Simple advice from experts, to unlock your deeper sexuality. Welcome to How-To Sex Podcast; a resource to give daily guidance for successful sexuality, regardless of how you like it. We tap into the expertise and insights from a wide variety of masters, who want to share their discoveries, and innovations.
Site
RSS
Apple
Data updated on 18/08/2026
Recent rankings
Latest chart positions across Apple Podcasts and Spotify rankings.
Shared links between episodes and podcasts
Links found in episode descriptions and other podcasts that share them.
Discover shows related to How To Sex, based on actual content similarities. Explore podcasts with similar topics, themes, and formats, backed by real data.
“In our maturer years,” wrote
Erasmus Darwin, “when an object of vision is presented to us
which bears any similitude to the form of the female bosom; we feel a
general glow of delight, which seems to influence all our senses, and
if the object be not too large we experience an attraction to embrace
it with our lips as we did in early infancy the bosom of our
mothers.”
Breasts are the natural second target, but
often the first one we reach. Just how sensitive they are, in men as
well as in women, varies enormously, and according to physical state
and mood. As with other sexual organs, size is unimportant in
relation to sensitivity; if it still creates insecurity, however,
fascinated attention is a more effective cure than surgery. Some
breasts don’t answer at all, even in the emphatically
non-frigid; some answer to extremely gentle touches, some to very
rough handling (but they are sensitive
structures; don’t let a need for
forceful contact get the better of sound common sense.)
Going round and round the nipple with the
tongue tip or the glans, soft kneading with both hands, gentle
biting, and sucking gently like a baby are the best gambits; she can
do the same for him. (While there, both can occasionally check for
suspicious lumps.)
If her breasts are big enough to meet, one
can get a surprising degree of mutuality from inter-mammary
intercourse. This is a good expedient on occasions
when she doesn’t feel like vaginal
intercourse. She lies half flat on pillows, he kneels astride (big
toe to her clitoris if she needs helping) with his foreskin, if he
has one, fully retracted. Either he or she can hold the breasts
together; wrap them around the shaft rather than rub the glans with
them. It should protrude clear, just below her chin. Intercourse
between the breasts is equally good in other positions; head to tail,
or with her on top (especially if she has small breasts), or man
sitting, woman kneeling; experiment accordingly. An orgasm from this
position, if she
gets one, is “round” like a full
coital orgasm, and she feels it inside. Breast orgasms from licking
and handling are “in between” in feel. His ejaculation
this way gives her what’s known as a “pearl necklace”;
he should rub the semen well into her breasts when he has finished
(see semen.)
Breasts, vagina, and clitoris all at once
make the fastest and most concentrated buildup of sensation once
intercourse has begun, for some women at least. Many easily
stimulated women can also experience a rather special pleasure from
suckling a baby.
She says: “Unlike a man’s
nipples, a woman’s can have a direct hotline to her clitoris
and vagina. A man who can dial this correctly and will only take the
time can do anything. Palm-brushing, eyelash-brushing, licking, and
loud sucking like a baby can work wonders; the orgasms one gets from
these are mind-blowing without detracting a jot from intercourse to
come after. Please take time.” He, meanwhile, can get a very
special jolt from this, made more intense still if she is actually
lactating; male suckling is more of a majority interest than you
might think.
On him, rather than by him, stimulation is
less likely to have an effect; few men can get a nipple orgasm, but
try a stiff pair of feathers (see feathers) or very gentle fingertip
friction; men’s nipples easily get sore.
If the effect seems
lacking, assiduous attention over time may help; try gentle circles
with a toothbrush. There is no proof in the theory that caffeine
creates temporary nipple sensitivity, but it’s still worth a
try. Fluctuating hormones before her period can turn sensitivity into
discomfort, and if there is itching, swelling, bleeding, or
discharge, get it checked out. This applies to him as well as to her.
If a partner likes
pain, or to test the possibility without putting the question direct,
pinch nipples lightly, then harder (never when sore, lactating, or
newly pierced.) The aim is a balance of pleasure and pain; after,
once pressure is released, the whole body will be achingly sensitive
for hours. If this appeals, move to nipple clamps (not clothes pegs,
which aren’t adjustable); a linked pair with one on each of his
and her breasts also provides a neat accompaniment to any movements
that create a gentle tug. When taken off, pinch with fingers, then
release slowly to allow the blood to flow back in comfortably. Limit
time on such play; 15 minutes is enough.
Next in line after breasts, buttocks
alternate with them as visual sex stimuli for different cultures and
individuals. Actually the original primate focus, being brightly
colored in most apes; apparently equally fancied by the Neanderthals,
who produced some of the best Stone Age figurines.
The buttocks are a
major erogenous zone in both sexes, though less sensitive than
breasts because they have fewer nerves and a layer of fat, and so
need stronger stimulation (holding, kneading, slapping, or even
harder beating; see discipline.)
Intercourse from behind (see rear entry) is
a pleasure in itself, but be careful if she has a weak back. In any
position the muscular movements of coitus stimulate the buttocks in
both sexes, particularly if each holds the partner’s rear
fairly tightly, one cheek in each hand. These extra sensations are
well worth cultivating deliberately. Visually, good buttocks are a
turn on in almost equal measure for both sexes.
while
the penis is emphatically his, it also belongs to both of them.
Not only the essential piece of male
equipment, even if it is often and expressively described as a
“tool,” the penis has more symbolic importance than any
other human organ, as a dominance signal and, by reason of having a
will of its own, generally a “personality.” No point in
reading all this symbolism back here, except to say that lovers will
experience it, and find themselves treating the penis as something
very like a third party.
At one moment it’s a weapon or a
threat, at another something they share, like a child. Without going
into psychoanalysis or biology, it’s not a bad test of a love
relationship if, while the penis is emphatically his, it also belongs
to both of them. In any case, its texture, erectility, and so on are
fascinating to both sexes, and its apparent autonomy, a little
alarming.
Like the vagina, the
penis collects anxieties and folklore, and is a focus for all sorts
of magical manipulations. Male self-esteem and sense of identity tend
to be located in it, as Samson’s energy was in his hair. If it
won’t work, or worse, if she sends it up, or down, the results
will be disastrous. This explains the irrational male preoccupation
with penile size. Size has absolutely nothing to do with physical
serviceability in intercourse, or; since female orgasm doesn’t
depend on getting deeply into the pelvis; with capacity to satisfy a
partner, though many women are turned on by the idea of a large one,
and a few say that they feel more (see size.) If anything, thickness
matters more than length. Nor has flaccid size anything to do with
erect size; a penis that is large when at rest simply enlarges less
with erection. There is no way of artificially “enlarging”
a penis.
Nor, except in very
rare cases, is a penis too big for a woman; widthwise, the vagina
will take a full-term baby. If his penis, whatever its length, knocks
an ovary and hurts her, he shouldn’t go in so far. A woman who
says she is “too small” or “too tight” is
usually making a statement about her arousal levels; she needs time,
understanding, and foreplay. Shape also varies; the glans can be
blunt or conical. This matters only in that the conical shape can
make receptacle-tipped condoms uncomfortable through getting jammed
in the tip.
Women who have really
learned to enjoy sex are usually as fascinated by their lover’s
penis, size included, as men are by women’s breasts, shape,
odor, and feel, and learn to play with it fully and skillfully.
Circumcised or not (see foreskin), it’s a fascinating toy quite
apart from its main use. There is a whole play scene connected with
uncapping, stiffening, and handling it, making it pulsate or
ejaculate, that is a major part of togetherness. This is equally
important for the man; not only is it ego-boosting, but good hand-
and mouth work practically guarantee a good sexual partner.
Care and maintenance:
if he isn’t circumcised, he will need to retract the foreskin
fully for cleaning purposes, and if it won’t retract beyond the
corona all round the glans except at the front, get it seen to
(correcting it involves a trifling operation with a blunt probe and
doesn’t necessarily mean that he needs circumcising.) If it
won’t retract properly or is over-tight and gets stuck, get
that attended to as well.
Slight asymmetry often
develops with time; this does no harm unless it’s pronounced or
painful, in which case see a doctor. On the other hand, don’t
bend an erect penis or use a position in which it could get violently
bent by accident. (This usually happens with the woman on top if she
is careless near orgasm, or in putting him in, and he is just short
of fully stiff; keep a little control here.) It is possible, though
difficult, to fracture one of the two hydraulics contained in the
shaft. This is very painful and can lead to pain or kinking on
subsequent erection. The normal organ will stand up to extremely hard
use, but not to these. (Avoid also silly tricks with suction and so
on; see inflators.)
Sores, discharge, lumps, bumps, bleeding,
and so on signal illnesses and need treatment. Even if you both have
proof that you are free of all sexually transmitted diseases; if you
aren’t, condoms are mandatory; don’t have oral
intercourse with someone who has a herpes on the mouth; you can get
recurrent herpes of the penis or the vulva, which is a nuisance.
If the foreskin is dry from masturbation or
long retraction, saliva is the recommended lubricant. Commercial
equivalents are now sold that make things more comfortable and add
sensation, but steer clear of the ones that claim to slow down or
speed up response; they can anesthetize or irritate him and, by
association, her. If he has problems in this department, it’s
best to use less “quick-fix” methods (see hair-trigger
trouble, and performance.)
Preoccupation with the
size of their genitals is about as common in men (it is a “dominance
signal,” like a deer’s antlers) as sensitivity about
their breasts and figure is in women. That, however, is its only
importance in matters sexual. The “average” penis is just
over five inches overall when erect and between three and four inches
round, but penises come in all sizes; larger ones may be spectacular,
but no more effective except as visual stimuli. Smaller ones work
equally well in most positions; and may, as only the first few inches
of the vagina are sensitive, actually work better than larger
examples. In any case, she will almost always report that what
matters is how it’s used, not how big it is.
Non-erect size in the
male is equally unimportant; some men before erection show no penile
shaft at all, but extend to full size easily. The same applies to
testicle weight; it varies, as does nose or mouth size, but has
little to do with function. Small genitals are usually due to active
muscles in the layer beneath the skin; a cold bath will shrink the
best-endowed male down to Greek-statue proportions.
Accordingly,
excessive preoccupation with size is an irrational anxiety, often
created by the fact that men see their own penises as small because
they are seen from above and other men’s penises as large
because they are seen from the front. Don’t fall for the hype
on lotions, potions, stretching exercises, or surgery; one can’t
reliably and safely increase size, any more than one can increase
stature. She should learn not to comment on it except favorably; he
should learn not to give it a second thought. The few cases where
male genitalia are really infantile occur in conjunction with major
gland disturbances and are treatable but rare.
All the above
reassurance also applies to vaginal size. Few women are too small;
lubricate, add lots of foreplay, wait until she has “ballooned”
through arousal before penetrating. So long as she isn’t
hurting; in which case stop instantly; a tight woman gives the man
extra-intense feelings. Nor is any vagina too large: if it seems a
loose fit, switch to a posture in which her thighs are pressed
together; from behind for best effect. Long term, do Kegel exercises
(see pompoir ) to keep muscles toned; though lots of sex works just
as well and she will enjoy it more. Apart from postpartum stitching,
surgery to tighten the vagina is usually a reflection of lack of
confidence on her part or inappropriate demands on his.
Genital anatomy
probably fixes which postures work best for a given couple, but no
more than that. With rare exceptions, men and women are universally
adapted. The only practical exception is in the case of a very big
penis and a very small woman, in which case she should be careful on
top, or she will knock an ovary (which feels very much like
accidentally knocking a testicle does for a man), and he should avoid
thrusting too hard until he knows he won’t hurt her. As to the
size of other structures, such as breasts, these may be individual
turn-ons, but every build has its sexual opportunities built in: use
them.
Cutting off this
structure is possibly the oldest human sexual ritual. It still
persists; for cultural as well as supposed health reasons. Some
believe that cancer of the penis and cervix is rarer when it’s
done (a myth) or that it slows down orgasm (for which there is no
evidence.) It probably doesn’t make very much difference,
either to masturbation or to intercourse; one normally retracts it
anyway for all these purposes; though if he doesn’t have one,
there is a whole range of covered-glans nuances he can’t
recapture. Holding the skin back hard with the hand (her hand) during
intercourse works for both the circumcised and uncircumcised as an
accelerator, and offers a sensation of its own.
Women who have experienced both are divided;
as they are over which looks sexier. Some find the circumcised glans
“neater” and are even turned off by an unretracted
prepuce as looking “feminine,” while others love the
sense of discovery that goes with retraction. If he is uncircumcised
and she prefers the other, he can retract it; if vice versa, simply
find other amusements. In terms of function, it’s probably
there for immunological protection and helpful for lubrication; the
high density of nerve endings doesn’t harm either.
While in the area, a word about the
frenulum, the “little bridle” that connects the underside
of the glans to the shaft. It is sensitive to stretching; it’s
probably this that creates the sensation during up-and-down hand
work; and circumcision may tighten it or sometimes remove it
altogether. If it’s intact, try lubricating with your thumb,
massaging frenulum and little finger directly on it circling smaller
and smaller. Flick across with the tongue and apply sustained
pressure while he simply relaxes. Reserve this technique, however,
until he is ready to come more or less instantly.
In sum, the circumcised man isn’t at
any important disadvantage (or advantage), but many people prefer to
be able to choose their egg with or without salt, and let their
children do likewise.
Basically, a sperm
factory. The testes produce sperm; the scrotum is the control device
to keep them producing it at the right temperature, moving up when he
is cold and down when he is warm. No need to panic at asymmetry; it’s
normal for one testicle to be smaller and for the left one to hang
slightly lower; though extraneous lumps or pain should be checked out
immediately. It’s also a highly sensitive skin area, and needs
careful handling, since pressure on a testis is highly painful to its
proprietor. Gentle tongue and finger work or cupping in the hand is
about right, or try a fingertip along the visible center line and
gentle teasing on the perineum between scrotum and anus. She can take
it right into her mouth.
There is no lovemaking without spilling
this, on occasions at least. You can get it out of clothing or
furnishings either with a stiff brush, when the stain has dried, or
with a dedicated cleanser designed to remove blood. If you spill it
over each other, massage it gently in. If you want a very copious
ejaculate, he can masturbate nearly, but not quite, to orgasm about
an hour beforehand to increase prostate secretion. If his semen
tastes bad, try altering his diet, and if that
makes no difference, get a checkup; it can
indicate health problems. She may like to know that an average
ejaculation delivers about five calories and a dose of vitamin C.
its coolness, texture, and tightness are
triggers far a whole range of sexual feelings.
This is our chief extragenital sexual organ;
underrated by men, who concentrate on the penis and clitoris; better
understood by women. She says: “The smell and feel of a man’s
skin probably has more to do with sexual attraction (or the opposite)
than any other single feature, even though you may not be conscious
of it.”
Skin
stimulation is a major component of all sex. Not only its feel when
touched, but its coolness, texture, and tightness are triggers for a
whole range of sexual feelings. Built in; the so-called erogenous
zones are the ones most rich in nerve endings; lips, earlobes, feet,
buttocks, breasts as well as genitals. Sensitivity will vary; for
both according to mood and for her according to menstrual cycle. But
it can be boosted in some people by emphasis, and by adding other
textures, especially fur, rubber, leather, or tight clothing. Much
underrated part of human sexual response, to be played to the full if
it turns you on (see friction rub, pattes d’araignee, and
tongue bath; use these to educate your own and your partner’s
skin.)
Most natural lubrication comes from her; the
male equivalent kicks in only just before orgasm, which is far too
late. The normal excited vagina is correctly set for friction; if she
is too wet, dry gently with a handkerchief-wrapped finger (not
tissues; you will never stop finding the bits.) But don’t try
to de-lubricate with lotions or potions; they can lacerate the
vagina.
If she is too dry;
it’s normal for many women; it’s likely because she is
not sufficiently aroused; simply take the time and put in the effort.
More lasting dryness can be due to stress, infections, medication,
depression, hormonal ups and downs, and some medical conditions; see
a doctor.
If more lubrication is needed, saliva is the
best natural one. There is also much to be said for the many
commercial possibilities offering added sensation, smells, and
tastes, though note that oil-based ones destroy latex condoms,
silicone-based ones destroy silicone sex toys, and some anesthetize.
Be particularly sure to use lubricant if
he is penetrating anywhere that doesn’t
naturally oblige; breasts, armpit, anus.
The fuel in the sex machine, keeping desire,
arousal, and performance ticking over, as well as driving affection
and love. For the most part, they form a constant underpinning of
mood, supporting though never replacing the honest-to-goodness sexual
diesel generated by enthusiastic lovers.
A peak or a valley, on
the other hand, can impact. Sexually, the crucial fuel is
testosterone, for her as well as for him. His will peak during
his twenties, then settle into a more or less consistent pattern,
dipping over the course of a long term relationship and rising in a
new one; no excuse for straying, but a possible explanation of the
temptation to do so. With age, it will gently decline; but rarely
enough to cause problems; if his erection is failing, that’s
reason for action, not resignation.
In her, testosterone
has the same effect, raising desire, demand, and energy; in the last
third of her menstrual month, when levels of the hormone are high,
try more urgent, fighting sex. Around the menopause, as estrogen
drops away and testosterone levels stay high, she may find to her
delight a lust that lasts for months or years; a second adolescence
of which she can take full advantage.
Oxytocin, the “cuddle hormone,” both bonds
partners in affection and makes them less likely to want to be
sexual; one reason why the postorgasmic default is to hug rather than
go for a second bout. Add in prolactin, the “done that,
time to rest” hormone also released at orgasm, to explain why,
for him in particular, the default may well be to sleep. Prolactin is
released when breast-feeding too, another reason why postpartum she
may be utterly turned off all things sexual; just as the
contraceptive pill, breast-feeding, and stress may imbalance her
general hormone levels, with the same low-desire result. But never be
held hostage; hormones may affect mood, but they can’t overrule
action; clear thinking, reassuring communication, and making love
regardless are often enough to offset imbalances.
Preferences.
Confidence.
Cassolette;
Vulva;
Vagina.
Clitoris.
Mons pubis.
The New Joy of Sex: Part 2
Thursday, January 8, 2026 • Duration
The
New Joy of Sex: Part 2.
A private performance of fine arts.
The
antique idea of the woman as passive and the man as performer used to
ensure that he would show off playing solos on her, and early
marriage manuals perpetuated this idea. Today, she is herself the
soloist par excellence, whether in getting him excited to start with,
or in controlling him and showing off all her skills. Solo recitals
are not, of course, necessarily separate from intercourse. Apart from
leading into it, there are many coital solos; for the woman astride,
for example; while mutual masturbation or genital kisses can be fully
fledged duets. Solo response can be electrifyingly extreme in the
quietest people. Skillfully handled by someone who doesn’t stop
for yells of murder but does know when to stop, a woman can get
orgasm after orgasm, and a man can be kept hanging just short of
climax to the limit of human endurance. The solo-given orgasm,
whether from her or from him, is unique; neither bigger nor smaller
in either sex than a full duet but different; sharper but not so
round. And most people who have experienced both like to alternate
them. Trying to say how they differ is a little like describing wine.
Differ they do, however, and much depends on cultivating and
alternating them.
Top-level enjoyment doesn’t have to be
varied, it just often is. In fact, being stuck rigidly with one sex
technique usually means anxiety. In this book we have not, for
example, focused on coital postures to the exclusion of all else.
The common positions
are now familiar to most people from writing and pictures if not from
trial; the more extreme ones, as a rule, should be spontaneous, but
few of them have marked advantages. This explains the apparent
emphasis in this book on extras; the “sauces and pickles.”
That said, individuals who, through a knot in their psyche, are
obliged to live on sauce and pickle only are unfortunate in missing
the most sustaining part of the meal; exclusive obsessions in sex are
very like living exclusively on horseradish sauce through allergy to
beef; fear of horseradish sauce, however, as indigestible,
unnecessary, and immature is another hang-up, namely puritanism.
Repolishing.
Ingredients.
Tenderness.
Nakedness.
Women (by her for him.)
Men (by him for her.)
The New Joy of Sex: Part 1
Saturday, January 3, 2026 • Duration
#The New Joy of Sex: Part
1.
The art of gourmet lovemaking.
I first wrote this book nearly 20 years and
over 8 million copies ago. I am a physician and human biologist for
whom the natural history of human sexuality is of as much interest as
the rest of human natural history. I had notes on it. My wife
encouraged me to bring biology into medicine, and my old medical
school had no decent textbook to teach a human sexuality course.
Joy was compiled and
very importantly, illustrated, just after the end of that daft and
extraordinary non-statute in Western society, the Sexual Official
Secrets Act. For at least two hundred years, the description, and
above all the depiction, of this most familiar and domestic group of
activities, and of almost everything associated with them, had been
classified. When, in the sixteenth century, Giulio Romano engraved
his weightily classical pictures showing sixteen ways of making love,
and Aretino wrote poems to go with them, a leading ecclesiastic
opined that the artist deserved to be crucified. The public,
apparently, thought otherwise (“Why”, said Aretino,
“should we not look upon that which pleases us most?”)
and Are tin’s Postures have circulated surreptitiously ever
since, but even in 1950s Britain pubic hair had to be airbrushed out
to provide a smooth and featureless surface.
People today, who
never experienced the freeze on sexual information, won’t
appreciate the propositions of the transformation when it ended; it
was like ripping down the Iron Curtain. My immediate predecessor in
writing about domestic sex, Dr. Eustace Chesser, was (unsuccessfully)
prosecuted for his low-key, unillustrated book Love Without Fear, and
even in 1972 there was still some remaining doubt about whether Joy
would be banned by the Thought Police.
Preface 2.
With Your Body.
On gourmet lovemaking.
Preventions: Part 2
Wednesday, October 1, 2025 • Duration
STDs: What Are They and How Do You [not] Get Them?
This episode deals with the following STD concerns:
Chlamydia, Genital Herpes, Gonorrhea, Hepatitis B, HIV, HPV, Molluscum Contagiosum, Syphilis, Trichomoniasis, Chlamydia, Genital Herpes, , , , , , , .The number of cases of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), now more commonly referred to as sexually transmitted infections (STI), in the United States hit an all-time high in 2019, according to data released on April 13, 2021, by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). The shows that nearly 2.5 million new cases of gonorrhea, syphilis, and chlamydia were reported that year.Chlamydia remained the most common condition reported to the CDC, with close to 1.8 million cases, up 19 percent since 2015. Gonorrhea diagnoses reached 616,392, up 56 percent since 2015. And primary and secondary syphilis diagnoses reached 129,813, up 74 percent since 2015.Of high concern is that cases, that is, syphilis in newborns, nearly quadrupled between 2015 and 2019, reaching 1,870 cases. From 2018 to 2019 the number of stillbirths caused by syphilis increased from 79 to 94, and the number of congenital syphilis-related infant deaths rose from 15 to 34 deaths.While the 2019 STD statistics reflect pre- numbers, preliminary data from 2020 suggests many of the same trends continued during the pandemic. Experts attribute some of the growth in STDs in 2020 to disruptions in and treatment programs caused by the pandemic.While 2.5 million cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis may sound like a lot, it’s likely an undercount: Many people with these and other STDs, formerly known as venereal diseases, go undiagnosed and untreated. The CDC estimates that nearly 20 million new sexually transmitted infections occur every year, accounting for almost $16 billion in healthcare costs annually.Inequities in STD BurdensThe numbers of STDs increased in all age groups and among all racial and ethnic groups in 2019, according to CDC statistics. However, some groups saw higher rates of STDs than others:People ages 15 to 24 accounted for 61 percent of chlamydia cases and 42 percent of gonorrhea cases.Gay and bisexual men accounted for nearly half of all primary and secondary syphilis cases.Here’s what you need to know about how to spot, treat, and prevent STDs.What Is the Definition of an STD?“STDs are diseases that are passed from one person to another through sexual contact,” a representative of the CDC says.According to the CDC, some of the common STDs are chlamydia, gonorrhea, (HSV-2), human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), human papillomavirus (HPV), and syphilis. "Many of these STDs do not show symptoms for a long time," per the CDC, "but they can still be harmful and passed on during sex.”Virtually all STDs can be transmitted through anal, vaginal, or oral sex. In addition, some STDs can also be transmitted through close skin-to-skin contact, even if no intercourse occurs.HPV, for example, can be spread through skin-to-skin touching. In addition, “, a viral skin disease, can be spread through sexual or casual contact, as can , an itchy skin condition caused by a mite infestation. It is also possible to get scabies from an infected sleeping bag or bed,” says , an endowed professor of infectious disease translational research in the departments of medicine, epidemiology, and microbiology at the University of Alabama in Birmingham, who works with the CDC.STDs don’t just affect the genital regions: “ can be transmitted through oral and genital sex,” says Dr. Hook.It is important to remember that STDs may have no symptoms. However, new vaginal or urethral discharge or a new rash after sexual contact should be evaluated by a medical professional.When symptoms do occur, they can include the following:Chlamydia Symptoms of chlamydia can include vaginal discharge in women, penile discharge in men, and in men and women.Gonorrhea Gonorrhea can cause thick, cloudy, or bloody discharge from the vagina or urethra, and pain or burning when peeing. If you have gonorrhea in your anus, it may cause itching in and around the anus, discharge from the anus, and pain when defecating. Gonorrhea in the throat may cause a sore throat.Hepatitis B can cause fever, fatigue, loss of appetite, nausea or vomiting, abdominal pain, dark urine, clay-colored bowel movements, joint pain, and jaundice (yellowing of the skin and whites of the eyes). Symptoms can appear anywhere from six weeks to six months following exposure to the hepatitis B virus. Chronic hepatitis B sometimes causes symptoms similar to acute disease.Genital Herpes typically include red bumps that develop into blisterlike sores in the genital area and sometimes on the buttocks or thighs. A new infection with HSV-2, the virus that causes most cases of genital herpes, may also cause flulike symptoms, including fever, headache, feeling tired and achy, and swollen glands.Oral Herpes Symptoms of oral herpes can include itching of the mouth or lips, sores or blisters on the lips or inside the mouth, and flulike symptoms such as fever, headache, body aches, and swollen glands.HIV can resemble those of the flu: fever, headache, muscle aches, and sore throat. They may also include swollen lymph nodes, diarrhea, nausea and vomiting, a fungal infection of the mouth, and a rash on the abdomen, arms, legs, or face. If HIV goes untreated, later symptoms can include fatigue, weight loss, night sweats, joint pain, short-term memory loss, and recurrent infections.HPV Most strains of no symptoms and are detected only after abnormal cells are discovered during a Pap smear. However, , which appear as skin-colored or whitish growths on the genitals or anus.Molluscum Contagiosum Often the only sign of this skin disease is pink or flesh-colored bumps with a dimple (indentation) in the center. It is most common in children, who typically get it from skin-to-skin contact or from shared towels or similar items. In adults, it can be sexually transmitted.Pubic Lice Symptoms of include itching in the genital area, tiny bugs in your pubic hair, and visible nits (eggs) on hair shafts. Pubic can also infest the hair on legs, armpits, eyebrows, eyelashes, and other facial hair such as mustaches and beards.More on Scabies and Pubic LiceScabies This skin infestation causes intense itching that is typically worse at night. It can also cause small red bumps or a rash and raised lines on the skin where the mites have burrowed.Syphilis In the primary stage, , or ulcer, at the location the bacteria entered the body, often in the genital area. In the secondary stage of syphilis, a rash may occur on the torso and elsewhere on the body.Trichomoniasis Another common STD, trichomoniasis is a parasitic infection that can cause burning and itching in the genital area for men and women as well as painful intercourse. Trich can also cause a smelly discharge and painful or frequent peeing.Can I Have an STD and Not Know It?Yes. Many STDs don’t cause any symptoms, especially during the early stages, so the only way to know for sure if you have one is to get tested. Keep in mind that you can get an STD from having sex with someone who has no symptoms and may not know they have an STD.Are Adolescents Disproportionately Affected?The CDC reports that half of newly reported cases of STDs occur in people between the ages of 15 and 24, noting that young women’s bodies are biologically more susceptible to STDs.“Chlamydia and HPV are common as soon as you become sexually active,” Hook says. “Gonorrhea and genital herpes peak in the late twenties to thirties.”All STDs, though, including HIV, can and do occur at any age.When and How Often Should I Get Tested?“Women should be tested for chlamydia on a regular basis. Some gynecologists test for it automatically, but not all do,” Hook says.Testing for chlamydia, gonorrhea, and trichomoniasis involves collecting either a urine sample or a swab from the vagina or penis.For other STDs, including HIV, syphilis, and genital herpes, blood testing is most accurate.To test for HPV, a sample of cervical or anal cells must be collected.How often an individual needs to be tested for STDs depends on their level of risk for infection.The CDC recommends the following for testing for chlamydia:Annual screening in sexually active women age 25 and younger and in older women who are at an increased risk for infection because of a new sex partner or multiple sex partnersAnnual screening in men who have sex with men, based on exposure history, with more frequent screening in people at the highest riskScreening in all pregnant women at their first prenatal visitAnnual screening in sexually active people living with HIVThe CDC's recommendations for gonorrhea testing include the following:Annual screening in sexually active women who are at risk for infection, which includes women ages 25 and youngerAnnual screening in men who have sex with men, based on exposure history, with more frequent screening in people at the highest riskScreening in all pregnant women under age 25 and older women who are at an increased riskAnnual screening in sexually active people living with HIVThe CDC's recommendations regarding screening for syphilis include these guidelines:Screening in all pregnant women at their first prenatal visitAnnual screening in men who have sex with menAnnual screening in sexually active people living with HIVThe CDC has .In all cases, more frequent screening or screening for additional STDs may be appropriate for certain individuals, depending on their risk factors, including sexual behavior and how common a particular disease is in their area.Where Can I Get Tested for STDs?Your family doctor or ob-gyn should be able to do STD testing. In some areas, other options include specialized STD or sexual health clinics.You can find locations in your area that offer fast, free, and confidential testing using the CDC’s tool.How Can I Protect Myself From Getting an STD?Abstaining from all sexual contact is the only way to reduce your risk of STDs to zero. But the following measures can also help:Having only one sexual partner, and ensuring that person is monogamous too, lowers your risk of STDs. every time you have sex greatly reduces the risk of all STDs.Getting vaccinated against hepatitis B is the best way to avoid this viral infection. The hepatitis B vaccine can be given to people of any age.Getting the HPV vaccine protects you against strains of the virus that cause genital warts and cervical and other cancers. The HPV vaccine is routinely available to people ages 9 through 26. It is additionally approved for adults ages 27 through 45 but not routinely recommended. Adults age 27 or older who believe they would benefit from should discuss it with their doctors.What Are the Treatment Options for Common STDs?Some STDs are curable with medical treatment, while others can be managed to control symptoms and reduce the risk of transmission.These STDs can be cured with antibiotics:ChlamydiaGonorrheaSyphilisTrichomoniasisSTDs that can be cured with insecticides include the following:Pubic liceScabiesMinor surgical procedures such as cryosurgery (freezing) or laser surgery can treat certain STDs:STDs that can be managed with antiviral medication include these infections:Chronic hepatitis BGenital herpesHIVWhen precancerous cells caused by HPV are found on the cervix, treatment may include watchful waiting or surgery to remove the abnormal tissue.Does Having One STD Make You More Likely to Get Another?“Having one STD does not predispose you to others, aside from the behavioral risks shared by all STDs,” says , a professor emeritus of medicine at the University of Washington Center for AIDS and STD in Seattle, who also served on the board of the American Sexual Health Association.“However,” says Dr. Handsfield, “having genital herpes due to HSV-2, but not HSV-1, roughly doubles the if sexually exposed to the virus.”What Happens If STDs Are Left Untreated?“The longer something goes untreated, the more likely it is to cause complications,” Hook says. “Left untreated, infections from can travel from a woman’s cervix to her uterus and fallopian tubes, which may cause infertility.”Untreated syphilis "can become neurosyphilis, causing neurological disease,” says , an assistant professor of obstetrics, gynecology, and reproductive science at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai in New York City. Late-stage also include and other cardiovascular problems.Untreated HIV can impair the immune system’s ability to fight off infections and diseases, leading to so-called opportunistic infections, neurological complications, and sometimes cancer.Untreated chronic hepatitis B can lead to liver failure, cirrhosis, liver cancer, and death.Failing to treat STDs can have risks for future generations as well. Women who have herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, or syphilis can transmit the infection to their baby at birth, which is why testing for STDs; and following safer sex recommendations; during pregnancy is so important.HIV can also be passed from mother to child during pregnancy, labor, or delivery, but the risk of transmission can be reduced if the mother takes antiretroviral drugs throughout her pregnancy and the baby receives HIV medicines for several weeks after birth.
It’s a fact: If you’re a woman, and you have sex with a man, it’s possible you’ll get pregnant. But if you don’t want to have a baby, there are many forms of birth control to help prevent pregnancy.Birth Control: A Definition and OverviewWhile abstinence, or refraining from intercourse, is the only way to prevent pregnancy with 100 percent certainty, contraception, or birth control, comes in several different forms, both non-hormonal and hormonal.Non-hormonal methods generally create a physical barrier between the sperm and the egg; a notable exception is the copper IUD, which changes the uterine environment but does not actually present a physical barrier. Two permanent contraception methods require surgery: sterilization, or , for women and for men.Hormonal methods generally prevent ovulation (the release of an egg), make it more difficult for sperm to enter the uterus, or prevent a fertilized egg from implanting in the uterus.What’s the Best Birth Control Method?“It varies, and it depends on you and your lifestyle,” says Keosha T. Bond, an assistant medical professor at The City University of New York School of Medicine in New York City. “I try to explain there’s no one-size-fits-all. It’s more, ‘What can I do, and how does my body react?’ There are so many contraceptive methods out there, but not every one will fit every person.”How Effective Is Birth Control?The effectiveness rate of various birth control methods is based on perfect use; meaning the method is used consistently and correctly every single time, and typical use, which includes people who use the method inconsistently or incorrectly.Knowing what all your are will help you and your partner choose what works best for you. “I think it’s awesome to be talking about it. A lot of people just don’t know” about birth control, says , an obstetrician and gynecologist with Orlando Health in Florida.Birth Control Methods: All Your Contraception OptionsHere’s a look at the various kinds of birth control available today.Hormonal Birth ControlHormonal Birth Control Option: Vaginal Ring (NuvaRing or Annovera)Hormonal Birth Control Option: The Patch (Xulane or Twirla)Intrauterine Devices (IUDs)Barrier MethodsNatural Family Planning and Fertility Awareness MethodsPulling Out, or WithdrawalVasectomy: The Ultimate Birth Control?Emergency Contraception
Broken Cock
Saturday, September 27, 2025 • Duration
Recklessness ruptured my plumbing, and permanently curtailed my sex life.
I am writing this mainly because there is not a lot of information about this particular injury
Around October of last year I was having sex with my girlfriend, when I thrust too hard at the wrong angle and tore my Urethra and two blood vessels in my penis.
When the injury first occurred I was close to climaxing. Because of this, when the injury happened and the blood vessels and urethra were torn, blood started mixing into my urethra. I was cumming blood
I was not in pain but I could feel that my dick was not pointing in the right direction and turned on the lights, blood was everywhere and pouring out of me at an alarming rate (think you’re cumming but it doesn’t stop and its blood)
At this point I’m panicking and yell out that I need to go to the hospital immediately.
I throw on loose pants without zipping them up, a hoodie, and grab a towel to soak the blood that’s coming out. Then me and my girl go to the hospital.
The hospital near me specialized in bodily injury and doesn’t have the type of urologist doctor that I need to see, so I have to drive 30 minutes away to the closest hospital that has a Urology department.
Once I get to this secondary hospital, I am immediately taken in and put into a room of my own once they see my dick; and about an hour later I see a Urologist who runs some tests and tells me about the ruptured urethra and blood vessels.
I need surgery.
The surgery is a process called “de gloving” where they “de-glove” the skin around your penis, roll it down, and make an incision into the underside of the skin and go in and stitch up the torn vessels and urethra, these are dissolvable stitches and they stay in your penis until they go away on their own.
This post is part of the Podcast. Subscribe in your favorite apps.
Bondage sex is often associated with Sado Masochism. But that vaste generalization does a great disservice to a wide range of sexual proclivities. Each part of this grouping ought to be understood on it’s own attributes.
Bondage is simply adding real or perceived restrictions in a sexual encounter. It’s the fantasy of lost control over a situation which thrills many lovers. It often incorporates a fantasy scenario and some role-playing.
Sadism is the infliction of discomfort to a lover.
Masochism is a self-inflicted discomfort.
Today we’re hearing from Alfie, about her lover’s favorite kink. He allows himself to be restrained and subjected to sexual frustration, in the form of a very delayed ejaculation.
Healthy lovemaking of this sort may include switching roles, or may remain in fixed roles of a dominant & a submissive.
My favorite Tease & Denial plot.
You will need:
Set the scene:
Apply the Massage Oil:
Next, it’s time for part one of I don’t know how many:
If you’ve ever fantasized about getting kinky in the bedroom, you’re not alone. The runaway success of E. L. James’s Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy of books; the three top-selling print and e-books in the United States between 2010 and 2019; not to mention the sales of the movies they generated, prove that interest in BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism) is anything but rare.
BDSM can involve role playing, sensory manipulation, and more. Here are a few popular ways enthusiasts like to get kinky! Prevalence: How Many People Practice BDSM? Further proof: Nearly 47 percent of women and 60 percent of men have fantasized about dominating someone sexually, while slightly more women and less men are aroused by the idea of being dominated, according to a 2016 study. The same study also found that almost 47 percent adults would like to participate in at least one nontraditional type of , and 34 percent said that they’d done so at least once in the past. No wonder if you search the phrase “BDSM” on Google it will return more than 500 million results. By comparison, the phrase “missionary sex” returns about 163 million results. The History of BDSM: Not So New Explore a little more and you’ll also discover that BDSM is nothing new. Among BDSM’s historical high points: Is BDSM Still Considered a Medical Disorder? At one time, mental health experts were dubious about whether those who practiced BDSM were mentally healthy. But the American Psychiatric Association took a huge step in destigmatizing kink with the release of the current Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) in 2013. For the first time ever, the guidelines drew a clear distinction between consenting adults who engage in sexual behaviors outside the mainstream, such as BDSM, and those who force others to engage in those behaviors without consent. That means simply experimenting with, say, whips and chains, is no longer a sign of mental illness that by itself “justifies or requires clinical intervention,” the manual states. There are true sexual disorders that are similar in theme. Sexual sadism disorder, for instance, involves inflicting physical or psychological pain on another for the purpose of sexual pleasure. And sexual masochism disorder involves deliberately involving yourself in a situation in which you are humiliated, beaten, or abused for the purpose of sexual excitement. The difference between these two disorders and BDSM is consent, in the case of sexual sadism disorder, and that BDSM does not go to the degree of causing significant distress or impairing function, in the case of sexual masochism disorder. The Psychology of BDSM: Why Are People Drawn to It? Most of the available evidence shows that the majority of BDSM enthusiasts are mentally healthy and typical in every respect except that they find traditional (“vanilla”) intimacy unfulfilling and want something more intense. “People always ask if it’s normal to be interested in BDSM,” says Michal Daveed, a spokeswoman for , a nonprofit organization in New York City that describes itself as the “oldest and largest BDSM support and education group” in the country. “Normal is a funny word to describe a really widespread and diverse humanity. If your definition of normal is how many people are doing this, it’s way more people than you may think,” says Daveed. “And if your definition of normal is ordinary, the BDSM world is full of ordinary people whose sexuality happens to be hardwired a particular way.” One landmark 2008 study backs Daveed up. It found that people who engaged in BDSM were more likely to have experienced oral sex or anal sex, to have had more than one partner in the previous year, to have had sex with someone other than their regular partner, and to have taken part in phone sex, visited an internet sex site, viewed an X-rated film or video, used a sex toy, had group sex, or taken part in manual stimulation of the anus, fisting, or rimming. However, they were no more likely to have been coerced into sexual activity and were not significantly more likely to be unhappy or anxious. Indeed, men who had engaged in BDSM scored significantly lower on a scale of psychological distress than other men. “Our findings support the idea that BDSM is simply a sexual interest or subculture attractive to a minority, and for most participants not a pathological symptom of past abuse or difficulty with ‘normal’ sex,” the researchers concluded. “BDSM is a healthy expression of sexuality,” says , a researcher at the Institute of Clinical Sexology and in the department of dynamic and clinical psychology at Sapienza University, both in Rome. Dr. Nimbi is also the coauthor of a study that compared 266 consensual BDSM practitioners to 200 control subjects who described their sex lives as traditional. () Echoing the earlier study, the researchers found that the BDSM group tended to report fewer sexual problems than the general population. “People engaging in BDSM are usually people who have thought a lot about their sexuality,” Nimbi said. “They have explored and faced their sexual boundaries. Basically, they know what they like, and they do it. This has a positive outcome on their sexual experiences and on the overall quality of their lives.” Many people think it’s a pathology or a perversion to, say, want to be spanked hard and to be happy about that, he added. “We each develop our erotic fantasies from our different tastes, experiences, and curiosities, beginning in childhood and lasting until the end of our lives. Everyone is different. We can develop the same fantasy from different stories, and we can develop different fantasies from the same stories. Some people find in BDSM a way to be free, to get wild, to let go, and to play a different role from their everyday lives. And if they get satisfaction and respect the ‘rules,’ why should it be abnormal?” The Physicality of BDSM: Why Does It Feel Good? , cofounder of the credentialing and training institute and a past president of the , as well as other experts are quick to point out that seeking the pain-pleasure connection is not unique to the BDSM community. Think of athletes who push past physical comfort to experience a “runner’s high,” or people who chase thrills by engaging in dangerous extreme sports, like skydiving. Think of the bliss that aficionados of super spicy food experience when biting into a pepper sets their mouth on fire, or the rush of fear that riding a roller-coaster or watching a horror movie can bring. “The same chemical cocktail of , , and other hormones that make those experiences pleasurable to some makes BDSM actually quite wonderful to others,” says clinical sexologist Francesca Gentille, coeditor of , and host of the podcast . “I like to compare sexual preferences to taste in food. Most of us don’t like bland food, but we have a range of how spicy we like it.” Common Questions & Answers What does BDSM stand for? BDSM is an acronym that stands for bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism. Why do people like BDSM? In the past, it was thought that BDSM might be a sign of unhealthy sexuality. But increasingly, even medical professionals say that BDSM is a healthy expression of sexuality. Erotic fantasies that fall into this category develop from different tastes, experiences, and curiosities that develop in childhood. What is a rigger in BDSM? A rigger is someone who, in engaging in BDSM play, ties rope for bondage purposes. What is a brat in BDSM? A brat, in the context of BDSM, is someone who misbehaves toward the dominant party in the BDSM scene being played out. Is BDSM illegal? BDSM occupies murky territory, legally. The foundation of BDSM “play” is consent between the parties engaging in it. However, you cannot legally consent to be tortured or assaulted. And what seems to be “play” to some may appear differently to others. Roleplaying and BDSM: The Variety Is Endless Doctor and patient. Teacher and student. Roleplaying is a common aspect of BDSM “play.” It may involve two or more people who “act out” a particular scene or fantasy. BDSM roleplay can happen in person or virtually. It almost always involves at least one individual being dominant and another being submissive. It may be simple, or it may be complicated enough to require a script. And actual sex is not the focus. “The core of BDSM is the psychological part,” explains , a dominatrix in Los Angeles who holds a PhD in clinical psychology. (She asked that her real name not be used, citing privacy concerns.) “For BDSM to be real, it has to involve an exchange of power with a lot of trust and respect. The couple has to decide which role they want to play, the dominant one or the submissive, and it’s that dynamic that creates erotic intensity.” Common themes for BDSM role play include: Most Recent While chains and whips might excite Rihanna (as she proclaims in the hit song ””), it’s wrong to think all manifestations of BDSM involve inflicting extreme pain. The range of erotic expressions that fit under its umbrella is huge. At one end there’s “light” BDSM, which includes activities like tickling, using a blindfold, tying your partner to the bedposts with silk scarves, slapping their rear playfully, and making verbal demands, such as “Call me Sir” or “Call me Madam.” No pain. No force. Just playful and pleasurable. At the other end of the spectrum is “hardcore” BDSM. This can include whipping, caning, binding with ropes, dripping hot wax directly on the skin, and hundreds more forms of erotic expression, many of which you might find impossible to imagine. “There are universal themes, but I’ve seen things that have shocked even me, not because they were unsafe, but because they were so infinitely creative,” says Dr. Britton. Asking to have clothespins attached to your tongue. Being mummified with plastic wrap so that you’re completely immobilized. Living as a submissive wearing a leather collar while serving a dominant partner. Yes, there are people who choose these activities — the key word being “choose.” “There are two essential things to know about BDSM,” explains Britton. “It is always voluntary, and the reason people do it is because it feels good. There’s something about transcending pain that can be almost a spiritual experience,” she adds. “It releases the self from the body. I’ve had people tell me, ‘the more my body is restrained, the freer I feel.’” Common forms of BDSM play include: The Importance of Communication, Consent, and Using Safe Words How can having someone strike you, perhaps to the point that you cry out in pain, not be abuse? “Consent is the magic word,” says Nimbi. “While mainstream sexual encounters also stress the importance of consent, consent often takes the form of an unstated, implicit assumption based on perceived behavioral displays of interest or willingness,” note University of British Columbia psychologists , and in a 2019 paper. “The BDSM community takes consent further, demanding explicit rather than tacit consent.” In a dominant-submissive “scene,” for instance one in which one person is going to be flogged, it’s standard practice for the “dom” or “top” and the “sub” or “bottom” to first negotiate at length and then contract, often in writing, what the sub is definitely willing to do, what he or she might be willing to do, and what is absolutely off-limits before they begin to “play.” They also must agree on a safe word or gesture that the sub can use at any time to stop the action. That means that if there’s any potential for pain, both players are aware of the rules and of their own limits. Ironically, it also means that the sub actually has more control of the scene than the dom, since he or she defines the parameters and has the power to stop the action at any time, for any reason. “There is no community on the planet more committed to the concept of consent than the BDSM community,” says , a lawyer and founder of the , a nonprofit advocacy and education group based in Sharon, Massachusetts. “Of course, you can come across a rogue, just as you can in any group. But if anyone crosses the line, they are cast out so quickly it would make your head spin to see it.” Common safe words include: Safe and Risk-Aware Kink: How to Try It Safely at Home If you’re planning on trying kink at home, experts advise going to a class, reading a book, listening to a podcast, or checking out informational videos on YouTube before trying anything other than light BDSM at home to see and learn how to engage in this type of erotic expression safely. “You have to learn this,” says Britton. “You don’t just go to Home Depot and buy a rope and tie your husband up. BDSM play is not random. It’s not built on spontaneity. It’s built on anticipating a set of behaviors that are negotiated beforehand.” “People playing at home without training is dangerous,” says Gentille, who spent four years as a collared submissive at home with a dominant partner in a relationship. “You can’t, for example, just leave a person alone in a room, tied up and gagged, and expect it to go well.” Social Etiquette and BDSM It might sound contrary, but there’s most definitely a code of behavior with regard to practicing BDSM properly. If you’re thinking about trying BDSM at a social gathering, often dubbed a “play party,” which can be an informal gathering hosted by someone or an organized event, you’ll need to do some prepping beforehand about the social mores. Can you touch someone else’s toys? How do you handle consent? Can everybody play? Learning the ropes before you go will ensure that you have a good time. The BDSM Terms You Need to Know BDSM also has its own language to describe who takes part, how they take part, and how things work. Among common terms you’ll encounter in this world are: BDSM and the Law: What You Need to Know The legality behind BDSM is murky. Legally, for instance, you cannot consent to be tortured or assaulted. And, to the outside eye, some BDSM activities can appear to fall into that category. So, for example, if police raid a BDSM event and see activities that they object to, they can charge the participants even if there is consent. While it’s unlikely you’ll encounter a problem, especially in the confines of your own home, it’s good to know the lay of the land, legally. And there are special cases — like custody battles — where people need to know how this kind of information can be used in court. BDSM: Beyond Taboo Of course, while BDSM is not for everyone (Britton herself identifies more as vanilla than kink), there is more and more recognition that it is 100 percent normal to fantasize about it. What’s more, given the reclassification of BDSM and related behaviors in the DSM-V and the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon, it’s easier than ever to explore those fantasies in real life without shame, if one desires to. One sure sign that kink is becoming less and less taboo: The Harvard College Munch, which brings together students with interested in kinky sex, is now recognized by the university as an official campus group. () “It’s very out in the culture right now, but it’s not fully out of the shadows yet,” says Gentille. “People are still embarrassed to talk about sex. What they discover when they dive a little deeper into it is that in BDSM you actually get to talk about what you like, what you’re curious about, and what is a definite ’No.’ It’s clear, overt, and collaborative and that can feel delightful. And if you like it, if you have control over what happens, it’s all good fun.” Speaking BDSM: A Glossary of Terms Used to Describe BDSM
Many people in their 70s and 80s are not only sexually active, but satisfied with their senior sex lives.
University of Michigan Institute for Healthcare Policy and Innovation. Let’s talk about sex. Though the frequency or ability to perform sexually may decline with age due to physiological changes, these don't necessarily affect how a person experiences or enjoys sex.
Aging-related problems like erectile dysfunction (ED), vaginal dryness, or urinary incontinence can affect sex. But their impact can also be minimized by using medication, managing chronic conditions, seeking individual or couples counseling, and changing sexual practices.
This article explores the sex lives of adults 65 and over and the problems that can interfere with sex as the body ages. It also discusses the various treatment options and ways to maintain—or even jumpstart—your senior sex life.
Studies suggest that men are almost twice as likely as women to still have sex or masturbate in their later years. A British study found close to 60% of men ages 70 to 80 and 31% of men ages 80 to 90 are still sexually active. In women, those figures drop to 34% and 14%, respectively. This lower rate of sexual activity in older women may be due to a lack of opportunity rather than a lack of desire. Research shows that older women are less likely to have partners (due in large part to the fact that they often outlive their partners). This is sometimes referred to as "the partner gap." It is common for men to experience sexual problems after age 40. Reasons include a natural decline in levels, heart disease, and prostate problems. The inability to achieve or sustain an or reach or ejaculation are common concerns. Erectile Dysfunction Erectile dysfunction (ED), formerly known as impotence, is the inability to achieve or maintain an erection firm enough for sexual penetration and long enough to achieve orgasm. While ED is more common in older men, aging itself does not cause the problem. ED is related to conditions, sometimes several at once, that directly or indirectly interfere with erections. Risk factors include high blood pressure, diabetic nerve damage, smoking, obesity, , depression, and even certain medications. An accurate diagnosis is needed to ensure the right treatment. ED drugs like Viagra (sildenafil), Levitra (vardenafil), and Cialis (tadalafil) are often the first-line treatments for ED. Lifestyle changes and counseling can also help. For some men, hormonal therapy, , and may be recommended. Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia is a non-cancerous enlarged prostate and one of the most common health problems in older males.6 BPH can cause symptoms like difficulty urinating, frequent urination, or waking up in the middle of the night to urinate (). On top of this, BPH can cause sexual problems like (low sex drive) and (difficulty reaching orgasm). Among the treatment options, testosterone therapy may help restore libido. There are also certain drugs used off-label that may help with delayed ejaculation, including cabergoline (originally marketed as Dostinex) and Wellbutrin (bupropion).7 Because some BPH medications can also cause sexual dysfunction, a change in the dose may help resolve these concerns. Lifestyle Changes to Treat Erectile Dysfunction Sexual Health Problems in Older Women More than a third of older women experience sexual problems. These are typically due to menopause, when estrogen levels steeply decline. Hormonal changes can lessen sexual desire and make it harder to become aroused. Sexual organs also change as a person gets older. A woman's vagina will shorten and narrow. The vaginal walls become thinner and less flexible, tearing more easily. Vaginal lubrication decreases, making vaginal intercourse more painful. Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) is diagnosed when an absence of sexual fantasies, thoughts, and desires causes personal distress. It is a problem that is common among many older women. A medication known as Addyi (flibanserin) is used to treat HSDD in women. It is currently only approved for premenopausal women, but research shows that it can also improve libido in older women as well. Vaginal Dryness Vaginal dryness is uncomfortable and can make sex painful. Over-the-counter (OTC) remedies that can help relieve irritation and itching from vaginal dryness include such as K-Y Jelly or vaginal suppositories like Replens. If OTC remedies don’t help, your doctor may prescribe estrogen cream as well as estrogen-containing vaginal rings and vaginal suppositories. There are also plant-based products, like black cohosh, that have estrogen-like effects. These should be used with caution in women who have had or are at risk of breast cancer. Pain With Sex Painful intercourse is more likely in older women as vaginal tissue tends to thin and tear easily after menopause. Standard treatments for vaginal dryness can often help ease pain during sex. If that is not effective, prescription drugs like Osphena (ospemifene) and Intrarosa (prasterone) can treat thinning vaginal tissues and help relieve moderate to severe vaginal dryness. Pelvic Organ Prolapse The pelvic floor muscles and tissues hold the bladder, uterus, cervix, vagina, and rectum in place. occurs when the pelvic floor weakens, causing the pelvic organs to drop and bulge (prolapse) in the vagina. This can cause pelvic pain and pressure, pain with sex, and urinary incontinence. POP is often treated with pelvic floor physical therapy to strengthen the supporting muscles. In some cases, surgery may be needed. Other Health Concerns How to Maintain a Healthy Sex Life
These
notes are mainly included here for interest and understanding; all
genuine lovers will want to know what’s under the hood in order
to make the car purr more sweetly; but largely there are no bedroom
applications. If the machine falters, however, science is
increasingly able to supply an answer; see your doctor.
More
of us than we may think have a wide sexual range; that is to say, are
able to respond sexually to either gender. Yes, many recognize who
they are early in life and never shift. But adolescents often
experiment before settling, and adults dream; same-sex relationships
are in the top three sexual fantasies for heterosexuals, and some of
the most surprising people; like Hans Christian Andersen; live out
such dreams in real life. Preferences are not a choice that can be
overridden in the long term; you may like both sexes, but if you
don’t, the irrelevant one simply doesn’t smell right and
there is no negotiating that.
If you occasionally
wonder; as opposed to having strong and clear desires in a particular
direction; you are probably not gay but curious. If you have strong,
clear desires, don’t agonize but talk it through; ringing a gay
or lesbian help line won’t mean you are persuaded or
presupposed into it, but will mean you speak to someone who has asked
themselves the same questions as you have and found appropriate
answers. Your own answer, once found, could transform your sex life
and also your life in general; passion can flow and activities that
seemed off-putting with one gender can, with the other, feel natural
and fulfilling. Surely it doesn’t need saying that the joy of
sex is rooted in knowing who you really are.
As
to the whole political agenda, happily in most countries all of the
above is not the “problem” it was when this book was
first written, though in most cultures it’s still a challenge
and in others it’s still actively against the law, either
secular or religious. We, however, believe that one person’s
flavor of sexuality is no one else’s business; everyone should
be free to follow their inclinations without fear or favor. If you
don’t, you not only waste your own life pretending to be
someone you aren’t, you also potentially waste the life of a
partner who knows there is something not quite right but can’t
pinpoint it. Whatever your preferences, be honest with yourself and
your beloved, and never think you can “cure” a partner of
their own preference by imposing yours upon them.
This book is written for the straight reader
but, within the context of a loving relationship, behaviors borrowed
from the whole range of possible preferences can have their uses.
Don’t dismiss (or judge) anything until you have tried it at
least once.
It is, surely, a
self-fulfilling prophecy that the more confident you are, the more
you will enjoy sex. This is not about arrogance; the assumption that
one is God’s gift will be an instant turnoff, particularly to
women, if only because they know with that sort of mental map a man
won’t have bothered to learn enough to be even moderately
useful. At the other end of the extreme, a partner who starts off
lacking in confidence only proves delightful if they ultimately
benefit from care and feeding; lasting and insistent insecurity is
draining in bed and out of it.
But true sexual confidence; being relaxed,
knowledgeable about oneself, willing to learn about another, ready to
ask for what’s needed, happy to take charge, and unwobbled by
either failure or rejection; makes for that ultimate in sexual
partners, one who is able both to give and receive with an equal
abundance of pleasure.
This
has nothing to do with looks. Nowadays, almost all women; and an
increasing number of men; are scared of being spurned on that count,
but this is because the media manipulates body image. If you don’t
love your body, change your mind; if your partner doesn’t love
your body, change your partner. Note to her: men are almost always
more focused on sensation and the feelings of acceptance that sex
gives than on your size, shape, or degree of firmness. If he has ever
hugged you clothed, he already knows your shape; if when you are
unclothed he has an erection, then he not only accepts but lusts
after it. Note to him: women care hardly at all about shape, so relax
please.
He, however, may have
other insecurities. He is asked to demonstrate potency in much more
obvious ways than she is, and the men’s magazines may have
convinced him that unless he can do so he will be rejected. But in
terms of pure erection, there are always other ways; and for most
women those ways are just as acceptable, certainly on an occasional
basis. If generally nervous, the answer is to end up in bed only with
a partner one is relaxed with and then try things out. As with all
human activities, the way to mastery is through play.
Whatever one’s size, experience, and
ability; or disability; good sex is one of the most powerful
confidence-builders because it places each partner right in the
center of the other’s attention; beyond that, genuine
compliments, demonstrated affection, and a total lack of comparison
will complete the magic spell. She says: “Show me that you
think I’m beautiful and everything else follows.” His
words may be different, but the essential message will be the same.
French for perfume
box. The natural perfume of a clean woman: her greatest sexual asset
after her beauty (some would say greater than that.) It comes from
the whole of her; hair, skin, breasts, armpits, genitals, and the
clothing she has worn: it is her own signature scent and no two women
are the same in this respect. Men have a natural perfume too, which
women are aware of, but while a man can be infatuated with a woman’s
personal perfume, women on the whole simply tend to notice if a man
smells right or wrong. Wrong means not so much unpleasant as
intangibly not for them. Often their awareness of a man includes
conditioned extras such as work odors or aftershave.
Because it’s so
important, she needs to guard her own personal perfume carefully and
learn to use it as part of her powers of attraction as skillfully as
she uses the rest of her body. (We now know the science behind all
this; pheromones, a kind of biological speed-bonding, making one
attractive, relaxing a potential partner, creating mood. They say,
“I’m interested; I’m interesting.”) In
particular, a woman’s personal perfume can be a long-range
weapon (nothing seduces a man more reliably, and this can happen
subliminally), but at the same time a skillful man can read it, if he
is an olfactory type, and if he knows her, to determine when she is
sexually excited.
Susceptibility
and consciousness of human clean perfumes vary in both sexes. Women
have the keener sense of smell, but men respond to it more as an
attractant. Whether these are inborn differences, like inability to
smell asparagus, or whether they are due to unconscious blocking-out,
we don’t know. Some children can’t understand the point
of blind man’s buff because they know by smell who is touching
them: some women can smell that they are pregnant. Men can’t
smell some chemicals related to musk unless they have a shot of
female sex hormone. Far more human loves and antipathies are based on
smell than our deodorant-and-aftershave culture admits. Many people,
especially women, say that when it’s a question of bed or
not-bed, they let their noses lead them.
Which means it’s
sad that, culturally, we are conditioned to deodorize and perfume.
Better by far would be soap and water, although the unfortunates who
sweat profusely may well have problems. A mouthful of aluminum
chloride in an armpit is one of the biggest disappointments bed can
afford, and a truly deodorized partner would be another. If smell
(and taste) do become unpleasant, it’s probably a shift of diet
or an infection; both can be cleared up, and should be done so in
short order. There is no excuse for bad breath or the unilateral
eating of garlic. Where lovemaking regularly happens at the end of a
long, hot, or hard day, create a ritual of showering together
beforehand. If you find each other’s perfume becoming
distasteful long term, however, it may be a reflection of a more
emotional distaste. Take it seriously.
Many women shave their
armpit hair, conditioned as they are by the idea that hairlessness is
sexy. Opinions are divided on this one; fashion dictates armpits
should be bare, but hairs catch our pheromonal scent. This could be
played as an argument for more body hair in general, but men’s
facial hair doesn’t have the day-to-day importance of a woman’s
little tufts. These are antennae and powder puffs to introduce
herself in a room, or in lovemaking. They are there to brush the
man’s lips with; he can do the same more circumspectly. Kissing
deeply in the armpit leaves a partner’s perfume with you.
In the genital kiss,
start with the lips covered, then brush the closed lips, then open
her; when she gives the kiss to a man, she proceeds in the same
order. It’s the fullest way to become aware of each other, even
before you start to touch. She will feel much more at ease with this
if he says clearly that he likes her scent and taste. Many women
labor under the belief that their natural odor, particularly the
pussy scent, is too strong. He can reverse this more or less
instantly by showing enthusiasm.
can
be stroked, sucked, squeezed, licked, softly stimulated with a
vibrator.
Her external parts, the equivalent of
scrotum and penile skin for him, and beautifully immortalized in
feminist artist Judy Chicago’s exhibition The Dinner Party;
thirty-nine vulval images symbolizing thirty-nine inspirational
women. Can be stroked, sucked, squeezed, licked, softly stimulated
with a vibrator; go up one side and down the other. Her perineum;
between vagina and anus; is as sensitive as his; tease gently with a
fingertip.
The U-spot (see trigger points), between
clitoris and vagina, can also be gently pressed in circular
movements; use a careful knuckle or the tip of his penis; an unerect
penis will give different sensations from an erect one. If she is
sensitive post-climax, this will help her scale the peak again.
She may be insecure about the way she looks
here; color, thickness, and size; but this is just one more
reflection of the fact that most genital images we see have been
doctored. New or growing lumps or bumps, however, like rashes or
pain, need attention. The
current fashion for “tidying”
labia surgically is a mutilation; in cultures less primitive than
ours, women do the opposite, actively stretching their labia, then
proudly folding them into origami shapes.
As magic as the penis, and to some males
slightly scary: luckily, few anxieties survive closer acquaintance,
but they are involved in certain male hang-ups. Prudes treat it as if
it was radioactive; “All magic,” said a Papuan wizard,
“radiates from it as fingers do from a hand”; and a lot
of put-downs of women throughout history grew from this kind of
Freudian undergrowth.
This is sad, for the
vagina to her is as powerful yet vulnerable as the penis is to him,
the source of reassuring menstrual blood, thudding orgasms,
longed-for birth. Theoretically, only the first third of the vagina
is truly sensitive; as a symbol of her openness and femininity,
however, the whole of it is at the heart of her sexuality.
Normally slightly
moist, or women would squeak when they walk, the vagina wets more or
less copiously with sexual excitement; some women also ejaculate at
orgasm, though that’s certainly not universal (see trigger
points.) Apart from this, any staining, discharge, rash, bleeding, or
pain indicates infection and needs checking out; have regular Pap
smears and a vaccination too, please, to protect against cervical
cancer. The normal vaginal odor varies greatly between women and
between times, but should always be pleasant and sexually exciting.
For care and maintenance, don’t douche; it destroys not only
healthy secretions but also the pheromones that attract him. A
healthy vagina self-cleans.
Whether or not he has
ever explored a woman’s pussy in detail, with fingers, eyes,
and tongue, he should make sure he explores hers. She should learn to
kiss with it; she has two mouths to his one.
The first edition of
this book commented that “the phallic-minded male is inclined
to make a reassuring rush for the clitoris.” We now know that
such a male would be absolutely correct; the clitoris and the phallus
are in fact gender-adapted equals. Australian urologist Helen
O’Connell’s research shows that the average clitoris;
both what’s above the surface and the much bigger section
buried in the pelvis; is quite as big as a flaccid penis, is made of
exactly the same erectile tissue, has a penis-like shaft, and
displays a tiny glans with its own foreskin. Smugly, it also has
twice the number of nerve endings as its male counterpart.
Whether because of too
little knowledge or too much distrust, society has never given the
clitoris the same weight of symbolism as the penis. Those more aware,
however, know that its role is to set light to the vagina as “pine
shavings can be kindled to set a log of; wood on fire” (Freud.)
Comedienne Carol Leifer put it more succinctly: “Making love to
a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location”
(see clitoral pleasure.) It is regrettable that some cultures feel
the need to excise it; though Western cultures too, until very
recently, used circumcision as a cure for “female problems.”
As to its role in
climax, there is surely no point in joining the “pro” or
“con” debate; everyone has the right to experience an
orgasm in as many ways as they want to and are able to. But it should
be added that while many women don’t ever orgasm easily through
intercourse, few fail to orgasm through stimulation of the clitoris.
It is, of course, the only human organ designed purely for pleasure.
The decorative fat pad situated over the
female pubic bone that acts as a buffer in face-to-face intercourse,
and which, more importantly, incorporates a layer of nerve endings
that serve to transmit sensation to the rest of the area when it
moves or is moved.
Many men are not
aware, if they are oversold on direct clitoris stimulation, that most
women can be brought to orgasm simply by holding this gently in the
cupped hand and kneading or shaking it, before, without, or as well
as putting a finger in the vagina (see pubic hair.)
He can either grasp it
(it exactly fits the palm) or rest the heel of his hand on it while
using the fingers on the labia, or he can cup the whole area, mons
and closed labia, in palm and fingers; he can then practice seeing
how much sensation he can produce with her lying completely closed.
In return, she can grasp his mons, circling his penis with her
fingers, her other hand on his scrotum; though typically the effect
is not the same; some men find that it simply tickles.
One
of the things still missing from the essence of sexual freedom is the
unashamed ability to use sex as play. In the past, ideas of maturity
were nearly as much to blame as old-style moralisms about what is
normal or perverse. We are all immature, and have anxieties and
aggressions. Coital play, like dreaming, may be a programmed way of
dealing acceptably with these, just as children express their fears
and aggressions in games. Adults are unfortunately afraid of playing
games, dressing up, and acting scenes. It makes them self-conscious:
something horrid might get out. In this regard, bed is the place to
play all the games you have ever wanted to play; if adults could
become less self-conscious about such “immature” needs,
we should have fewer deeply anxious people. If we were able to
transmit the sense of play that is essential to a full, enterprising,
and healthily immature view of sex between committed people, we would
be performing a mitzvah: playfulness is a part of love that could be
a major contribution to human happiness.
But still the main dish is loving, un-self-conscious sexual pleasure
of all kinds; long, frequent, varied, ending with both parties
satisfied, but not so full they can’t face another light
course, and another meal in a few hours. The piece de resistance is
good old face-to-face matrimonial, the finishing-off position, with
mutual orgasm, and starting with a full day or night of ordinary
tenderness. Other ways of making love are special in various ways,
and the changes of timbre are infinitely varied; complicated ones are
for special occasions, or special uses like holding off an over-quick
male orgasm, or are things that, like pepper steak, are stunning once
a year, but not dietary staples.
There
are, after all, only two “rules” in good sex, apart from
the obvious one of not doing things that are silly, antisocial, or
dangerous. One is: “Don’t do anything you don’t
really enjoy,” and the other is: “Find out your partner’s
needs and don’t balk at them if you can help it.” In
other words, a good giving and taking relationship depends on a
compromise (so does going to a show; if you both want the same thing,
fine; if not, take turns and don’t let one partner always
dictate.) This can be easier than it sounds, because unless their
partner wants something they find actively off-putting, real lovers
get a reward not only from their own satisfaction but also from
seeing the other respond and become satisfied. Most wives who don’t
like Chinese food, will eat it occasionally for the pleasure of
seeing an Asian food loving husband enjoy it, and vice versa.
Partners who won’t
do this over specific sex needs are usually balking not because they
have tried it and it’s a turnoff (many experimental dishes are
nicer than you expected), but through ignorance of the range of human
needs, plus being scared if these include things like forcefulness,
cultivating extragenital sensation, o r role-playing, which previous
social mythology pretended weren’t there. Reading a full list
of the unscheduled accessory sex behaviors that some normal people
find helpful might be thought a necessary preliminary to any extended
sexual relationship.
Couples should match
up their needs and preferences (though people don’t find these
out at once); you won’t get to some of our suggestions or
understand them until you have learned to respond. It’s a
mistake to run so long as walking is such an enchanting and new
experience, and you may be happy pedestrians who match automatically.
Where a rethink really helps is at the point where you have gotten
used to each other socially (sex needs aren’t the only ones
that need matching up between people who live together), and feel
that the surface needs repolishing. If you think that sexual
relations are overrated, the surface does need repolishing, and you
haven’t paid enough attention to the wider use of your sexual
equipment as a way of communicating totally. The traditional
expedient at the point where the surface gets dull is to trade in the
relationship and start all over in an equally uninstructed attempt
with someone else, on the off chance of getting a better match-up by
random choice. This is emotionally wasteful, and you usually repeat
the same mistakes; better by far to repolish.
As to practicalities, we suggest couples
either read the book together or (perhaps even better) read it
separately, marking passages for the other partner’s attention.
This works wonders if; as is often the case; you don’t really
talk easily about sexual needs, or are afraid of sounding tactless.
Finally, if you don’t like the
repertoire or if it doesn’t square with yours, never mind; the
aim of The Joy of Sex is to stimulate your creative imagination. Sex
books can only suggest techniques in order to encourage you to
experiment. You can preface your own ideas with “this is how we
play it,” and play it your own way. But by that time, when you
will have tried all your own creative sexual fantasies, you won’t
need books.
a constant awareness of what your partner is
feeling, plus the knowledge ol how to heighten that feeling, gently,
toughly, slowly, or last.
This, in fact, is what
the whole book is about. It doesn’t exclude extremely forceful
games (though many people neither need nor want these), but it does
exclude clumsiness, heavy-handedness, lack of feedback, spitefulness,
and non rapport generally. Tenderness is shown fully in the way you
touch each other. What it implies at root is a constant awareness of
what your partner is feeling, plus the knowledge of how to heighten
that feeling, gently, toughly, slowly, or fast, and this can only
come from an inner state of mind between the two of you. No really
tender person can simply turn over and go to sleep afterwards.
Many if not most
inexperienced men, and some women, are just naturally clumsy; either
through haste, anxiety, or lack of sensing how the other sex feels;
so don’t grab breasts, stick fingers into the vagina, bend the
penis, or (and this goes for both sexes) misplace bony parts of your
anatomy. More women respond to very light than to very heavy
stimulation; just brushing pubic or skin hairs will usually do far
more than a whole-hand grab. At the same time, don’t be
frightened; neither of you is made of glass. Women, by contrast,
often fail to use enough pressure, especially in hand work, though
the light, light variety is a sensation on its own.
Start very gently,
making full use of the skin surface, and work up. Stimulus toleration
in any case increases with sexual excitement and even hard blows can
become excitants (though not for everyone.) This loss of pain sense
disappears almost instantly with orgasm, so don’t go on too
long, and be extra gentle as soon as he or she has come.
If we could teach
tenderness, most of this book would be superseded. If you are really
heavy-handed, a little practice with inanimate surfaces, dress
fastenings, and so on will help. Strength is a turn-on in sex, but it
isn’t expressed in clumsy hand work, bear hugs, and brute
force; at least not as starters. If there is a problem here, remember
you both can talk.
Few people want to be
in bed on any terms with a person who isn’t basically tender,
and most people are delighted to be in bed with the right person who
is. The ultimate test is whether you can bear to find the person
there when you wake up. If you are actually pleased, then you can be
sure that you are onto the right thing.
The normal state for lovers who take their
work at all seriously, at least as a basic requisite. They don’t
so much start clothed, and shed what they must, as start naked, and
add any extras they need.
Nakedness doesn’t
mean lack of ornament. A woman may take off all her clothes, but put
on all her jewels; the only practical need, as with wristwatches, is
to see they don’t catch or scratch. This is for daylight; it is
difficult to sleep in them. For night, an increase in the value put
on lovemaking is probably the main reason that many people now sleep
naked. The only exception may be after; warm bodies tend to stick,
and a blotter worn by one or other can add to comfort.
Nudists used to be associated with health
fanatics enjoying a strict regime of cold showers and vigorous
sports. Now, thank goodness, a more relaxed attitude prevails. Today,
nudity is natural, not a ritual.
Organized “nudism”
in most countries is a family affair. This is probably a good idea;
the nudity of one’s own parents can be worrying to some
children, and shouldn’t be overdone. There is, however, a lot
to be said for the opportunity to look at men and women in general
under unforced conditions; it is the discharge of residual anxiety of
this sort about our body acceptability that probably makes group
nudity so relaxing, rather than the opportunity to get an all-over
tan. There is also evidence that children brought up in a naturist
environment may be more responsible when faced with sexual
opportunities and asked to make sexual choices. You should be able to
pick a naturist club to taste; they offer facilities for open-air
nakedness, which are hard to organize at home, and are universally
tough on sexual advances, which makes for an almost uniquely relaxed
atmosphere.
Women, like men, have direct physical responses, sure; science proves
that we get turned on just as much as you and as quickly; it’s
simply that traditionally we have been discouraged. But our triggers
are different (breasts and skin first, please, not a direct grab at
the clitoris), and can’t be short-circuited. It matters to us
who is doing what, far more than it does to most men. The fact that,
unlike you, we can’t be visibly turned off and lose erection
often confuses men into hurrying things or missing major resources.
It isn’t true that nudity, erotica, and so on; don’t
excite us. Probably the difference is that they aren’t
overriding things and that we don’t separate them from emotions
as easily as you do. Is it fair, I wonder, to give a simple instance?
You, sir, can make orgiastically satisfactory love with a near
stranger in half an hour flat. But please don’t think for that
reason that you can do the same for a woman who loves you personally
if, at the end of the half-hour, you turn over and go straight to
sleep. Granted this however, there are common reactions. Granted this
difference, however, there are common reactions.
We seem to be less heavily programmed than you for specific
turn-ons, but once we see one of these working on a man we care
about, we soon program it into our own response, and can be less
rigid and more experimental because of this ability.
Often, if women seem
under-active, it’s because we are wary of doing the wrong thing
with that particular man, like touching up his penis when, in fact,
he is trying not to ejaculate; tell us if you see us at a loss. The
penis isn’t a “weapon” for us so much as a shared
possession; it’s less the size than its personality,
unpredictable movements, and moods that make up the turn-on. We like
penetration because it makes us feel close to you; but don’t
feel put down if we don’t then necessarily climax through it
alone (see her orgasm); work with that rather than being discouraged
by it.
Another important thing is the tough-tender mixture: obviously
strength is a turn-on, but clumsiness (elbows in eyes, twisted
fingers, for instance) is the dead opposite. You never get anywhere
by clumsy brutality; however brutal good lovemaking sometimes looks,
the turn-on is strength-skill-control, not large bruises, and the
ability to be tender with it. Some people ask “tough or
tender?” but the mood shifts so fast that you have got to be
able to sense it. Surely it’s possible; because some lovers do
it; to read this balance from the feel of the woman. No obsessive
views about reciprocity; who comes on top and so on evens out during
the passing of time: there can be long spells when we are happy to
let you do the work, and others when we need to control everything
ourselves and get an extra kick from seeing how we make you respond.
Women aren’t
“submissive” any more than men; if we have knuckled under
in the past, it’s only through social pressures. If we are
dominant, we don’t always act it out in bed by wearing spurs
and cracking a whip. Men have a real advantage here in the
constructive use of play (and can help women to act it out too.)
Since we all have some aggressions, good sex can be wildly forceful,
but still never cruel.
As for sexual equality, nobody can possibly
be a good lover without regarding their partner as a person and an
equal. That is really all there is to be said on the matter.
Our sense of smell is the keener. Don’t
over-saturate early on with masculine odors; just before orgasm is
probably the time for full odor contact. Our own smell excites us as
well as yours.
We learn, over a
period of time, that the sort of hand and mouth work that men like
varies enormously. Some like it very rough, some hate it anything but
extremely gentle, others in between. There is no way for us to tell
except by asking and being told; therefore it’s up to you to
say what you like or you may get the opposite; remember that we love
to know how to be good for you.
Some men are
extraordinarily passive, or unimaginative, or inhibited, and; oddly;
when they are any of these things, we don’t become
correspondingly forceful. We may long to do things and feel
thoroughly frustrated, but we won’t show it in most cases. So a
woman’s lovemaking will only be as good as her partner’s
and, more important, she will resent any man who is unexciting, not
only because he is unexciting, but also because she will know she has
been unexciting too.
Finally, you should
never presume that what excites one woman sexually will work just as
well on another woman. Women probably do differ sexually rather more
than men, because of the greater complexity of our sexual apparatus
(breasts, skin, and so on as well as pussy.) Never assume that you
don’t need to relearn for each person. This is also true for a
woman with a new man, but perhaps a little less so.
The most
valued thing in lovemaking is "the divine gift of lechery.”
We often wish that women’s sexuality
was like ours, even though we know it isn’t. Our sexual
response is far brisker and more automatic: it’s triggered
easily by things, like putting a coin in a vending machine.
Consequently, women and parts of women provide automatic sexual
stimulus for us; your clothes, breasts, odor, and so on aren’t
what we love instead of you; simply the things we need in order to
set sex in motion and express love. You seem to find this hard to
understand.
Secondly,
most though not all male feeling is ultimately centered in the last
inch of the penis (though you can, if you start intelligently, teach
us female-type sensitivity all over the surface of our skin.) And
unlike yours, our sexuality depends on a positive performance; we
have to be turned on to achieve an erection, and not turned off, in
order to function; we can’t be passively “taken.”
This matters intensely to men at both a biological and a personal
level; sexual success is what makes us feel worthwhile. It explains
why we are emphatically penis-centered and tend to open the
proceedings with genital play, probably before you are ready and when
you would much rather wait to get in the mood. Genital approach is
how we get into the mood.
You
need to understand these reactions, as we need to understand yours. A
woman’s concern about being a sex object misses the point;
sure, the woman and the various parts of her are sex objects, but
most men ideally would wish to be treated piecemeal in the same way.
Thus, the most valued thing, from you, in actual lovemaking, is
intuition of these object reactions, and direct initiative; starting
the play, taking hold of the penis, giving genital kisses ahead of
being asked; being an initiator, a user of your stimulatory
equipment. This is hard to put in simple terms; it is what is meant
by “the divine gift of lechery”; the art of sensing turn
ons and going along with them for the partner’s response. It
isn’t the same for the two sexes because male turn-ons are
concrete, while many female turn-ons are situational and atmospheric.
Remember too that we may simply be tired of having to deliver, in
life as well as in bed, and your taking over doesn’t just offer
us the ultimate compliment, it also gives us the opportunity to relax
and enjoy. Sex may be about the only place in our lives where we get
to be held and nurtured.
Personal folklore
apart, what the male turn-on equipment requires is the exact reverse
of a virgin or a passively recipient instrument; not a demand
situation, because that in itself can threaten a turnoff due to
feelings of inadequacy, but a skill situation; I can turn you on, and
turn myself on in doing so, and from that point we play it both ways
and together. You can’t, of course, control your turn-ons any
more than we can, but it helps if you have some male-type object
reactions, like being excited by the sight of a penis, or hairy skin,
or by the man stripping, or by physical kinds of play (just as it
helps if we have some sense of atmosphere.) It’s the active
woman who understands our reactions, plays on them, and leads them
out while keeping her own who is the ideal lover.
The main aim of “sexual bibliotherapy”
(writing books like this one) was to undo some of the mischief caused
by the guilt, misinformation, and lack of information.
That kind of
reassurance is still needed. I have asked various people; chiefly
older couples; whether The Joy of Sex told them things they didn’t
know, or reassured them about things they knew and already did or
would like to do. I have had both answers. One can now read books and
see pictures devoted to sexual behavior almost without limitation in
democratic countries, but it takes more than a few decades and a
turnover of generations to undo centuries of misinformation; and of
this material, much is anxious or hostile or over the top. People who
worried, when the book first came out, if they did some of the things
described in it may now worry if they don’t do all of them.
That we can’t help, nor the fact that the same people who went
to doctors because of sexual fear and inhibition under the old
dispensation now go complaining of sexual indigestion under the new.
Sexual
behavior probably changes remarkably little over the years; sexual
revolutions and moral backlashes chiefly affect the degree of
frankness or reticence about what people do in private; the main
contributor to any sexual revolution in our own time, insofar as it
affects behavior, has not been frankness but the advent of reliable
contraception, which makes it possible to separate the reproductive
and recreational uses of sexuality. Where un-anxious books dealing as
accurately as possible with the range of sexual behaviors are most
valuable is in encouraging the sexually active reader; who both wants
to enjoy sex and to be responsible about it; and in aiding the
helping professions to avoid causing problems to their clients. It is
only recently, as ethology has replaced psychoanalytic theory, that
counselors have come to realize that sex, besides being a serious
interpersonal matter, is a deeply rewarding form of play. Children
are not encouraged to be embarrassed about their play; adults often
have been and are still. So long as play is not hostile, cruel,
unhappy, or limiting, they need not be.
One
of the most important uses of play is in expressing a healthy
awareness of sexual equality. This involves letting both sexes take
turns in controlling the game; sex is no longer what men do to women
and women are supposed to enjoy. Sexual interaction is sometimes a
loving fusion, sometimes a situation where each is a “sex
object”; maturity in sexual relationships involves balancing,
rather than denying, the personal and impersonal aspects of arousal.
Both are essential and built-in to humans. For anyone who is short on
either of these elements, play is the way to learn: men learn to stop
domineering and trying to perform; women discover that they can take
control in the give-and-take of the game rather than by nay-saying.
If they achieve this, Man and Woman are one another’s best
friends in the very sparks they strike from one another.
This book has changed
considerably since its first edition and it will be revised again in
the future as knowledge increases. What will not change is the
central importance of un-anxious, responsible, and happy sexuality in
the lives of normal people. For what they need; in a culture that
does not learn skills and comparisons in this area of living by
watching; is accurate and unbothered information. The availability of
this, and public resistance to the minority of disturbed people who
for so long limited it, is an excellent test of the degree of liberty
and concern in a society, reflected in the now-old injunction to make
love, not war. It is a socially relevant test today.
Alex Comfort, MB, D Sc, 1991
I am a relationships psychologist and
sexologist whose lifetime aim, through a variety of expert roles, has
been to help people enhance their emotional and sexual partnerships.
So when the publishers of The Joy of Sex approached me to “reinvent”
the book for the twenty-first century, it seemed to me the
fulfillment of everything I have been working for.
I well remember the
original publication of Joy, and the awed giggles with which I and my
friends read, discussed, and then put into practice its suggestions.
So I know firsthand what over the decades proved to be true: Joy is
an astonishing and inspirational child of its age, born not only out
of social but also political changes that irreversibly altered the
sexual landscape for individuals, couples, and society. Barely a
decade before the book’s 1972 publication, the contraceptive
pill had, for the first time in history, enabled women to have
control over their own fertility. In its wake came increased female
education, emancipation, and self-belief, as well as a whole host of
liberalizations, sexual and social; increasing permissiveness, more
frequent cohabitation, easier divorce, more available erotica, and
gay rights.
Joy was not only a
product of this revolution, it also helped create it. Dr. Alex
Comfort’s aim was to write the first book that gave readers
accurate knowledge about sexuality, and permission to use that
knowledge. The text and illustrations were designed to both reassure
the reader that their sexuality was normal and to offer further
possibilities with which to expand their sexual menu. He was hugely
effective in his intention; 8.5 million copies of The Joy of Sex have
been sold to date and it has been translated into fourteen languages.
More than that, it was a key influence on the social changes of the
late twentieth century and has been a byword for sexual vision ever
since.
Why, then, reinvent?
There have already been content revisions, in the author’s
lifetime and after his death in 2000, the most recent being the
highly successful thirtieth-anniversary edition by Alex’s son
Nicholas Comfort. But the very changes that Joy itself wrought in
society have meant that the book has come to need updating in a more
fundamental way. This was my task; to re create The Joy of Sex for
the contemporary world; to do what Alex Comfort would have done had
he been writing today.
The
majority of the text remains the same, but substantial additions have
been made. Many of these are informational; there have been countless
key scientific discoveries in recent years in the fields of
physiology, psychology, psychotherapy, and medicine, while the advent
of sexology; the specialist study of sexual matters; has resulted in
both rigorous academic research and a more widespread public
awareness of, and skill in, sex.
Alongside these
informational updates, a great deal of refocusing has been necessary
to reflect social shifts. An intimate relationship is a very
different animal from what it was in 1972. It’s now largely
expected that sex will be part of every love partnership, that
bedroom activity will include practices previously considered
outrageous, and that these practices will be informed and often
suggested via a new raft of technological advances. It’s
acknowledged that a woman can lead just as much as a man, both in bed
and out of it; one reason why the publisher chose a woman to reinvent
the book. And it is, albeit slowly, now acknowledged that a couple’s
sex life lasts well into their later years and increases, rather than
decreases, in quality.
Yet along with all
these positive developments has come a flurry of problems that
weren’t predicted in the heady days of 1972. Pressure to have
sex; regret that one has had sex; worry that one isn’t
sufficiently beautiful to deserve sex; worry that one isn’t
having enough sex or enough good sex. And all that is set beside high
rates of pregnancy, abortion, and sexually transmitted infections. In
the twenty-first century, as we hastily adapt to a society arguably
more sexualized than any previous one, it’s a wild world out
there.
All of which is why
the many changes made to Joy have been underpinned by what remains
the same; an absolute yet pragmatic optimism around sexuality and its
place in our lives. Running throughout the original book was a
rock-solid seam of positivity that sex is a good thing and that
mature adults, given the right information and inspiration, can be
trusted to treat it as such. Despite the headlines and scare stories,
I still deeply believe in what Alex Comfort proposed; that sex should
be and can be a total joy.
I have loved
reinventing the book because Alex Comfort’s values and aims are
also mine. I too want to present knowledge in an accessible form. To
encourage mature decision-making and offer the skills and strategies
to do it. To protest attempts to enforce inhibitions on human
sexuality. To see sex as the ultimate in human play, but at the same
time a developmental essential that helps us grow as people and
partners. Above all, to give people not just the technicalities, the
fripperies, or the “junk food” of sexual literature, but
an intelligent, thoughtful, and “gourmet” treatment of
the topic.
In the end I return
to, and repeat in my own voice, Alex Comfort’s words from his
first preface. My intention and my hope is that this book will
“benefit the ordinary, sexually active reader; eager to both
enjoy sexuality and to be tender and responsible with it.” True
in 1972. Just as true today.
Susan Quilliam, 2008
i like my body when it is with
your
body. It is so quite new a
thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like
your body, i like what it does,
i like its hows, i like to feel
the spine
of your body and its bones, and
the trembling
firm smoothness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and
that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the,
shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and
what-is-it comes
over
parting flesh.; And eyes big love-crumbs,
and possibly i like the thrill
of under me you so quite new
e. e. cummings
All of us, barring any
physical limitations, are able to dance and sing; after a fashion.
This, if you think about it, summarizes the justification for
learning to make love. Love, in the same way as singing, is something
to be taken spontaneously. On the other hand, the difference between
Pavlova and the Palais de Danse, or opera and barbershop singing, is
much less than the difference between sex as our recent ancestors
came to accept it and sex as it can be.
At
least we recognize this now (so that instead of worrying if sex is
sinful, most people now worry whether they are “getting
satisfaction”; one can worry about anything, given the
determination.) And there are now enough books about the basics; we
are largely past the point of people worrying about the normality,
possibility, and variety of sexual experience. This book is slightly
different, in that there are now enough people who have those basics
and want more depth of understanding, solid ideas, and inspiration.
To draw a parallel, chef-grade cooking
doesn’t happen naturally: it starts at the point where people
know how to prepare and enjoy food, are curious about it and willing
to take trouble preparing it, read recipe hints, and find they are
helped by one or two techniques. It’s hard to make mayonnaise
by trial and error, for instance.
Gourmet sex, as we define it, is the same;
the extra one can get from comparing notes, using some imagination,
trying way-out or new experiences, when one already is making
satisfying love and wants to go on from there.
This book will likely
attract four sorts of readers. First, there are those who don’t
fancy it, find it disturbing, and would rather stay the way they are;
these should put it down, accept our apologies, and stay the way they
are. Second, there are those who are with the idea, but don’t
like our choice of techniques; remember, it’s a menu, not a
rule book.
Third, most people
will use our notes as a personal one-couple notebook from which they
might get ideas. In this respect we have tried to stay wide open. One
of the original aims of this book was to cure the notion, born of non
discussion, that common sex needs are odd or weird; the whole joy of
sex-with-love is that there are no rules, so long as you enjoy, and
the choice is practically unlimited. We have, however, left out long
discussion of very specialized sexual preferences; people who like
these know already what they want to try.
The final group of
readers are the hardy experimentalists, bent on trying absolutely
everything. They too will do best to read this exactly like a
cookbook; except that sex is safer in this respect, between lovers,
in that you can’t get obese or atherosclerotic on it, or give
yourself ulcers. The worst you can get, given sensible safety
precautions, is sore, anxious, or disappointed. However, one needs a
steady basic diet of quiet, loving, night-and-morning intercourse to
stand this experimentation on, simply because, contrary to popular
ideas, the more regular sex a couple has, the higher the deliberately
contrived peaks; just as the more you cook routinely, the better and
the more reliable banquets you can stage.
One specific group of
readers deserves special note. If you are disabled in any way, don’t
stop reading. A physical disability is not an obstacle to fulfilling
sex. In counseling disabled people, one repeatedly finds that the
real disability isn’t a mechanical problem but a mistaken idea
that there is only one “right”; or enjoyable; way to have
sex. The best approach is probably to go through the book with your
partner, marking off the things you can do. Then pick something
appealing that you think you can’t quite do, and see if there
is a strategy you can develop together. Talking to other couples
where one partner has a problem similar to yours is another resource.
In sum, the people we
are addressing are the adventurous and uninhibited lovers who want to
find the limits of their ability to enjoy sex. That means we take
some things for granted; having intercourse naked and spending time
over it; being able and willing to make it last, up to a whole
afternoon on occasion; having privacy; not being scared of things
like genital kisses; not being obsessed with one sexual trick to the
exclusion of all others; and, of course, loving each other.
As
the title implies, this book is about love as well as sex: you don’t
get high-quality sex on any other basis; either you love each other
before you come to want it, or, if you happen to get it, you love
each other because of it, or both. Just as you can’t cook
without heat, you can’t make love without feedback. By
feedback, we mean the right mixture of stop and go, tough and tender,
exertion and affection. This comes by empathy and long mutual
knowledge. Anyone who expects to get this in a first attempt with a
stranger is an optimist, or a neurotic; if they do, it’s what
used to be called love at first sight, and isn’t expendable:
“skill,” or variety, is no substitute. Also, one can’t
teach tenderness.
The starting point of
all lovemaking is close bodily contact; love has been defined as the
harmony of two souls, and the contact of two epidermis. At the same
time, we might as well plan our menu so that we learn to use the rest
of our equipment. That includes our feelings of identity,
forcefulness, and so on, and all of our fantasy needs. Luckily, sex
behavior in humans is enormously elastic (it has had to be, or we
wouldn’t be here), and also nicely geared to help us express
most of the needs that society or our upbringing have corked up.
Elaboration in sex is
something we need rather specially and it has the advantage that if
we really make it work, it makes us more, not less, receptive to each
other as people. This is the answer to anyone who thinks that
conscious effort to increase our sex range is “mechanical”
or a substitute for real human relationship; we may start that way,
but it’s an excellent entry to learning that we are people and
relating to each other as such. There may be other places we can
learn to express all of ourselves, and do it mutually, but there
aren’t many.
Those are the
assumptions on which this book is based. Granted this, there are two
modes of sex; the duet and the solo; and a good concert alternates
between the two. The duet is a cooperative effort aiming at
simultaneous orgasm, or at least one orgasm each, and complete,
untechnically planned release. This, in fact, needs skill, and can be
built up from more calculated “love-play” until doing the
right thing for both of you becomes fully automatic. This is the
basic sexual meal.
The
solo, by contrast, is when one partner is the player and the other
the instrument. The aim of the player is to produce results on the
other’s pleasure experience as extensive, unexpected, and
generally wild as his or her skill allows; to blow them out of
themselves. The player doesn’t lose control, though he or she
can get wildly excited by what is happening to the other. The
instrument does lose control – in fact, with a responsive
instrument and a skillful performer, this is the concerto situation;
and if it ends in an uncontrollable ensemble, so much the better. All
the elements of music and dance are involved; rhythm, mounting
tension, tantalization, even forcefulness: “I’m like the
executioner,” said the lady in the Persian poem, “but
where he inflicts intolerable pain I will only make you die of
pleasure.” There is indeed an element of infliction in the solo
mode, which is why some lovers dislike it and others overdo it, but
no major lovemaking is complete without some solo passages.
Does the Number of Sexual Partners Affect My Chances of Getting an STD?
“As a broad rule, more partners means higher risk,” Handsfield says. “However, there are innumerable exceptions. Some people have 100 or more partners per year and remain free of most if not all STDs. Others have one or two partners and multiple infections over time.”
The bottom line is to use condoms or dental dams (small sheets of latex) to lower your risk and discuss STD testing with your medical provider if you are sexually active.
Can STDs Recur?
A curable STD that has been treated correctly will not recur, but it is possible to get the same STD again. In fact, it’s fairly common. To avoid getting the same STD again, your sexual partner, or partners, must also be treated. And to avoid getting the same or other STDs after treatment, practice safer sex, including using condoms each time you have sex.
The good news is that getting infected more than once does not appear to cause more long-term complications.
“In women, a second or third infection with chlamydia may raise the risk of complications like pelvic inflammatory disease,” says Handsfield. “But for the most part, people with multiple episodes of STDs do not fare any worse than after the first infection.”
Chlamydia: Often a Silent Disease
Many people don't realize they have chlamydia because they don't experience symptoms. That's why the condition is often called a silent infection. But untreated chlamydia can cause serious complications in both men and women, including ectopic pregnancy in women. To prevent such complications, young women and men at high risk of chlamydia are advised to get tested for it yearly.
Genital Herpes: A Lifelong Infection
An easily transmitted disease, genital herpes is caused by a virus that stays in the body for life. The infection can cause painful sores to form on the genitals, thighs, or buttocks, but the severity of symptoms ranges widely from no symptoms at all to recurring sores, painful urination, and flulike symptoms. Medication can prevent or shorten outbreaks, as well as lower the chance of passing the virus to a sexual partner.
Gonorrhea: Still Curable, but Antibiotic Resistance Is a Problem
Gonorrhea is highly contagious and, like chlamydia, may cause mild or no symptoms. If left untreated, though, it can cause serious complications, including pelvic inflammatory disease in women and epididymitis in men. While gonorrhea is curable, some strains of the bacteria that cause it have become resistant to most antibiotics.
As of December 2020, the CDC recommends a single 500-milligram (mg) intramuscular dose of the antibiotic Rocephin (ceftriaxone) for uncomplicated gonorrhea. Treatment for coinfection with Chlamydia trachomatis with oral doxycycline (100 mg twice daily for seven days) should be administered when chlamydial infection has not been excluded.
Hepatitis B: Disease of the Liver
Hepatitis is an inflammation of the liver, and the hepatitis B virus is one of several viral causes of hepatitis. There are also nonviral causes. In the United States, infants have been routinely vaccinated against hepatitis B since 1991, and the rate of acute hepatitis B in the United States has plummeted since then. Worldwide, however, chronic hepatitis B infection is common.
HIV: Incurable but Preventable
HIV is a virus that attacks the body's immune system, impairing its ability to fight off infections and diseases over time. The final stage of HIV infection is called acquired immunodeficiency syndrome, or AIDS. AIDS is a life-threatening disease. You can reduce your risk of getting sexually transmitted HIV by using condoms correctly and consistently.
Just about everyone who is or has been sexually active has had HPV at some point. In most cases, the virus clears up on its own, but when it doesn’t, it can cause genital warts and a variety of types of cancers, depending on which strain of the virus you have. The Gardasil 9 (HPV 9-valent) vaccine protects against both warts and cancer and is approved for adolescents and young adults.
Molluscum Contagiosum: May Clear on Its Own
This viral infection can be sexually transmitted or spread through contact with infected skin or contaminated objects, such as towels and toys. It can also be spread from one area of the body to another by touching a lesion then an unaffected area of skin. In many cases it goes away on its own, but treatments are available if it doesn’t.
Syphilis: Life-Threatening if Not Treated
Syphilis is a bacterial infection that is growing more common in the United States, particularly among men who have sex with men. It can be cured with penicillin or, in the case of a penicillin allergy, other antibiotics. Left untreated, syphilis can affect the heart and brain and be life-threatening. Syphilis that is passed from mother to infant (congenital syphilis) is also a severe, life-threatening condition.
Trichomoniasis: A Parasitic Infection
Trichomoniasis is more common in women, particularly young women, than men. The parasite that causes trichomoniasis can infect the penis or vagina but not the mouth, anus, or other body parts. While symptoms of trichomoniasis may raise a medical provider’s suspicions, a definitive diagnosis requires a laboratory test.
Contraceptive methods that use hormones alter how your body works in order to prevent pregnancy. These range from daily-use options, such as birth control pills, to long-term-use approaches, such as hormonal IUDs, which can stay in place for several years, says Dr. Bond.
Hormonal Contraception Option: Birth Control Pills
There are two types of birth control pills: combination pills that contain both estrogen and a form of progesterone called progestin, as well as progestin-only pills (also known as the mini pill).
The pills work by preventing ovulation, so there is no egg for sperm to fertilize, or by thickening cervical mucus so sperm cannot travel to an egg.
Birth control pills need to be taken every day as directed. Most types of progestin-only pills must be taken within the same three-hour time window every day. Some pills can also be used to stop your period.
How effective are birth control pills? Combined and progestin-only birth control pills are more than 99 percent effective if used perfectly and 93 percent effective if used typically.
How much do they cost? You need a prescription to get birth control pills. They may cost nothing or up to $50 a month and can be free or low-cost with most types of health insurance, Medicaid, or other government programs.
Hormonal Birth Control Side Effects
Some people don’t do well on hormonal contraception. “Each woman is different, and you have to understand your body,” says Bond. If you notice one or more of these side effects, let your doctor know:
Nausea
Weight gain
Changed menstrual cycles, including spotting
Some women like the effect of ‘the pill’ on their breast size. They are glad to have that kind of ‘weight gain’.
Who Shouldn’t Take Hormonal Birth Control?
For some people, the use of hormones is not recommended. “The pill is easy and awesome, but if you have migraines with aura (vision changes during a bad headache) or have a history of deep vein thrombosis, stroke, or other cardiac changes,” talk to your doctor to learn if you should consider another birth control option, says Dr. Greves. Moreover, if you have a blood-clotting disorder, you don’t want to take estrogen, and if you have breast cancer, you don’t want to take estrogen or progestin. Smokers and those considered overweight or obese should talk to their doctors about which contraceptives are recommended for them.
Hormonal Contraception Option: The Shot, Depo, or Depo-Provera
The shot contains high-dose progestin to prevent ovulation, and it also makes cervical mucus thicker to prevent sperm from reaching the egg.
In most cases, your doctor or nurse will give you the shot every quarter, but in some cases, you may be able to bring the shot home to give it to yourself.
How effective is the shot? Injectables are more than 99 percent effective with perfect use and 96 percent effective with typical use.
How much does it cost? It can cost nothing or up to $150, and it can be free or low-cost with many health insurance plans, Medicaid, and some government programs.
Hormonal Contraception Option: Birth Control Implant, or Nexplanon
The birth control implant, also called Nexplanon, is a small rod about the size of a matchstick that is placed into the upper arm. It releases progestin to prevent pregnancy for up to three years.
The implant must be inserted by a trained healthcare provider and can be removed at any time if you want to get pregnant.
How effective is the implant? The implant is more than 99 percent effective.
How much does it cost? It can cost anywhere between $0 and $1,300, but it’s totally free with most health insurance plans, Medicaid, and some government programs.
Like combination birth control pills, the vaginal ring contains both progestin and estrogen.
It’s a small ring that a woman wears inside her vagina, and the hormones work to prevent ovulation and pregnancy.
There are two types of vaginal rings: ethinyl estradiol and etonogestrel (NuvaRing) and ethinyl estradiol and segesterone (Annovera). Each NuvaRing lasts for up to five weeks. You take the old one out and put in a new one about once a month, and it can be used to safely skip your period. Each Annovera ring lasts for one year, but you must put it in your vagina for three weeks, then take it out for one week every month, during which time you’ll typically have a period.
How effective is the vaginal ring? Vaginal rings are more than 99 percent effective if used perfectly and 93 percent effective if used typically.
How much does it cost? You need a prescription to get the vaginal ring. NuvaRing can cost anywhere from $0 to $200, and Annovera can cost anywhere from $0 to $2,200. But vaginal rings can be free or low-cost with most health insurance plans, Medicaid, and some government programs.
Like the vaginal ring, the patch (brand names Xulane or Twirla) also releases estrogen and progestin, but through a patch worn on your stomach, buttocks, or back.
The patch must be changed once a week for three weeks, and then you skip a week and have your period. Xulane can also be used to prevent your period if you add a new patch on the fourth week instead of skipping a week.
How effective is the patch? The patch is more than 99 percent effective if used perfectly and 93 percent effective if used typically.
How much does it cost? You need a prescription to get the patch. One pack of three patches lasts for up to one month and can cost from $0 to $150. It is free with most health insurance plans, Medicaid, and some government programs.
Note: Hormonal treatments may also prevent a conception from securely attaching to the mother’s womb (nidation), resulting in a very early miscarriage which often appears to be a normal menstruation.
Intrauterine devices (IUDs) are one of the most effective forms of birth control. IUDs are inserted into the uterus by a trained healthcare professional and can work for up to 10 years, depending on which type you choose. They can also be removed any time if you want to get pregnant.
Copper (Nonhormonal) IUD
The Paragard copper IUD (also called the copper IUD) is the only nonhormonal IUD on the market. It’s a small piece of flexible plastic shaped like a T that has copper wrapped around it, which prevents sperm from reaching an egg because sperm are repelled by copper.
The copper IUD can be used as a regular form of birth control or as a form of emergency contraception (see more information about emergency contraception below). Paragard IUDs are the most effective form of emergency contraception. If you have one inserted within five days after having unprotected sex, it’s more than 99.9 percent effective against pregnancy and then provides very reliable contraception for up to 10 years.
Hormonal IUDs
Like the nonhormonal IUD, hormonal IUDs are a small piece of flexible plastic shaped like a T. They release a tiny amount of progestin into your body over several years, which helps prevent pregnancy.
There are four brands of hormonal IUDs available in the United States: Mirena, Kyleena, Liletta, and Skyla. Different brands last for different lengths of time. Whichever you choose, you can have your IUD removed whenever you want.
An IUD must be inserted and removed by a doctor, nurse, or another trained healthcare provider.
How effective is the IUD? All IUDs are more than 99 percent effective both for perfect and typical use.
How much do they cost? Anywhere from $0 to $1,300; they are free or low-cost with many health insurance plans, Medicaid, and other government programs.
Note: IUD devices may also prevent a conception from securely attaching to the mother’s womb (nidation), resulting in a very early miscarriage which often appears to be a normal menstruation.
Other than condoms, these older methods of contraception typically aren’t as effective. “Sponges or a diaphragm? I don’t want to say they are outdated, but they aren’t talked about as much today by healthcare providers,” says Bond. Most barrier methods need to be inserted into the vagina before sex, so “they take away from the romance aspect of engaging in sex,” she adds.
Similarly, “a diaphragm doesn’t work that great,” says Greves. “It’s better than nothing, but I don’t remember the last time I recommended it to someone.”
On the other hand, male condoms and internal condoms remain effective forms of contraception that can also help prevent sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
Barrier Method Option: Diaphragm
A diaphragm is a shallow, flexible cup made of silicone that you put inside your vagina. It covers the cervix and acts as a barrier so sperm can’t reach an egg.
Diaphragms are most effective when they’re used with spermicide (a cream or gel that kills sperm).
Your doctor must fit you for a diaphragm and give you a prescription, and then you can get one at a pharmacy, drugstore, or health center. After that, you can insert it and remove it yourself.
How effective is the diaphragm? If used perfectly with spermicide, the diaphragm is 84 percent effective. With typical use, it’s 83 percent effective.
How much does it cost? Anywhere from $0 to $250. You can probably get a free or inexpensive diaphragm with most types of health insurance, Medicaid, and some government programs. Spermicide, which is available over-the-counter at the drugstore, costs about $5 to $15 per kit.
Barrier Method Option: Sponge
The sponge is small and round and made of soft, squishy plastic.
You insert it deep inside your vagina up to 24 hours before you have sex. It covers your cervix and contains spermicide to help prevent pregnancy. The Today sponge, the only brand of sponge available in the United States; is sold at pharmacies, drugstores, and some supermarkets.
How effective is the sponge? With perfect use, the sponge is 80 to 91 percent effective (it’s more effective if you’ve never given birth); with typical use, it’s 73 to 86 percent effective.
How much does it cost? It costs about $15 for a pack of three. You may be able to get low-cost or free sponges at Planned Parenthood or another health center.
Barrier Method Option: Cervical Cap
Like the diaphragm, the cervical cap is a silicone cup, but it’s smaller. You insert the cap deep in your vagina to cover the cervix and prevent sperm from reaching an egg. It’s also more effective when used with spermicide.
FemCap is the only type of cervical cap available in the United States.
Cervical caps are sold in pharmacies, drugstores, and health centers, but you need a prescription. A nurse or doctor will need to examine you to determine which size cervical cap is best for you.
How effective is the cervical cap? Like the sponge, the cervical cap is more effective if you’ve never given birth. If you’ve never given birth, the cervical cap is 86 percent effective. If you have given birth, the cap is 71 percent effective.
How much does it cost? The cap costs between $0 and $275, not including spermicide. You can probably get a cervical cap for free or low-cost with most types of health insurance, Medicaid, and other government programs.
Barrier Method Option: Male Condoms
Male condoms are worn as a sheath over the penis during sex. They prevent pregnancy by stopping sperm from getting into the vagina, so it can’t reach and fertilize an egg.
Male condoms are used to avoid pregnancy, and they can also reduce the transmission of STIs. Most male condoms are made of latex, but some are made of plastics like polyurethane, polyisoprene, and nitrile for those who are allergic to latex. Lambskin and other animal membrane condoms also prevent pregnancy, but they don’t protect you from STIs.
How effective are condoms? If used perfectly, male condoms are 98 percent effective, or 87 percent effective if used typically.
How much do they cost? Male condoms are available in most drugstores, grocery stores, convenience stores, health clinics, online, and vending machines. A box of three usually costs between $2 and $6. Lower-cost or free condoms are available at various health centers.
Barrier Method Option: Internal Condoms
Internal condoms are soft plastic pouches that you put inside your vagina or anus before you have sex. They prevent pregnancy by covering the inside of your vagina, creating a barrier that stops sperm from reaching an egg. They also help prevent transmission of STIs if worn in the vagina or anus.
Internal condoms were once known as “female” condoms, but they can be used by people of any gender. The only brand of internal condom that’s available in the United States is the FC2 Female Condom. It’s available online, at many health centers, and by prescription in drugstores.
How effective are internal condoms? If used perfectly, internal condoms are 95 percent effective. If used typically, they are 79 percent effective.
How much do they cost? They usually cost about $2 or $3 each, but they are covered by most types of health insurance if you have a prescription. Some health centers may offer them for free.
Natural family planning or fertility awareness methods,(FAM); generally involve a woman taking note of the most fertile days of her menstrual cycle and avoiding sex during these days.
They include the Billings ovulation method, in which a woman looks at the consistency of her cervical mucus (long and stringy just before ovulation), and tracking basal body temperature (which rises a small amount during ovulation) to predict the time with the lowest odds of pregnancy.
FAM takes a lot of dedication, both to track changes over several months and to avoid vaginal sex (or use condoms) when most fertile. “I don’t think FAM is reliable,” says Bond. “There is pre-ejaculation that can contain sperm that you can become pregnant by. If you are not sure about taking some kind of pill, or other hormonal contraception, you should consider using condoms, because they are easy and don’t require that much change in the body.”
How effective is FAM? The effectiveness of fertility awareness methods including the Billings method varies widely, with a failure rate of less than 1 percent to up to 12 percent with perfect use, and from 2 percent all the way up to 34 percent with typical use.
How much does it cost? About $10 for a thermometer.
Pulling out, also known as withdrawal, is when a man removes his penis from the vagina just before ejaculating. It’s tricky, because pre-ejaculate can form before withdrawal. Avoiding pregnancy means keeping all sperm away from the vagina, and with this method, even a small amount of sperm can get into the vagina and lead to pregnancy. This method is best used when combined with another birth control method, such as condoms.
How effective is withdrawal? The withdrawal method is 96 percent effective with perfect use and 80 percent effective with typical use.
How much does it cost? Nothing, but condoms are recommended. Abstinence and Outercourse
Avoiding any kind of vaginal, anal, or oral sex is called abstinence, and activities such as kissing, dry-humping, masturbating, massage, and talking about fantasies are considered outercourse. The idea is to keep sperm away from the vagina to avoid pregnancy, but these methods require a lot of dedication and willpower.
Terms like ‘titty fucking’, ‘crotch fucking’, ‘jerking off’, and anal copulation; as well as fellatio (oral-induced male ejaculation), cunnilingus (oral-induce female climax), or nipple stimulation; are the most common outercourse options for a pleasurable climax without vagina penetration by the penis.
How effective are abstinence and outercourse? 100 percent.
How much does it cost? Nothing.
Considering a vasectomy? Learn about its effectiveness, risks, and impact on sexual performance. Make an informed choice!
Permanent Methods of Contraception: Tubal Ligation and Vasectomy
For women, sterilization or tubal ligation is a way to permanently prevent pregnancy. It requires surgery to seal off the fallopian tubes so that an egg can never reach a sperm and be fertilized.
For men, vasectomy is the option for permanent birth control. A vasectomy is a simple surgery in which the small tubes in the scrotum that carry sperm are cut or blocked off, so sperm can’t leave the body and cause pregnancy.
Permanent sterilization methods do not protect against sexually transmitted infections; condoms are still necessary to reduce the chances of contracting an STI. While vasectomy and tubal ligation reversal procedures exist, they are pricey and not always effective. Choose these options if you are sure you don’t want to have children (or more children).
How effective is permanent contraception? Tubal sterilization and vasectomy both have a failure rate close to 0 percent.
How much does it cost? Tubal ligation can cost anywhere from $0 to $6,000.
A vasectomy costs between $0 and $1,000.
Both tubal ligation and vasectomies may be totally free (or low-cost) with some health insurance plans, Medicaid, and other government programs.
If used as soon as possible after unprotected sex, emergency contraception (EC) is a safe way to prevent pregnancy. Methods are more or less effective depending on a few variables, such as your weight and how long it has been since you had unprotected sex.
EC comes in several forms:
The Progestin (Levonorgestrel) Pill, or Plan B One-Step
The progestin (levonorgestrel) pill, also known as the “morning-after pill” and by the leading brand name, Plan B One-Step, must be taken within 72 hours (three days) of unprotected sex.
How effective is the progestin (levonorgestrel) pill? Levonorgestrel pills can lower your chance of getting pregnant by 75 to 89 percent if you take them within three days after unprotected sex.
How much does it cost? Plan B usually retails for approximately $40 to $50 nationwide. Generic versions usually cost about $11 to $45. If you have health insurance or Medicaid, it’s likely that you can get the progestin pill for free, you just have to ask your nurse or doctor for a prescription (even though you don’t need a prescription to buy these types of pills over-the-counter). You may also be able to get the morning-after pill for free or low-cost from a health center or family planning clinic.
Ella
A pill that contains ulipristal acetate, also known by the brand-name Ella, must be taken within five days of unprotected sex. You need a prescription to get Ella, either by seeing your doctor or getting a prescription online.
How effective is Ella? Ella reduces your chances of getting pregnant by 85 percent if you take it within five days after unprotected sex.
How much does it cost? Ella usually costs about $50 at a pharmacy or drugstore, but it might be free if you have health insurance or Medicaid. You may also be able to get Ella for free or low-cost from a health center or family planning clinic. Depending on which state you live in, you may be able to get a prescription for Ella directly from your pharmacist.
The Yuzpe method
The Yuzpe method involves taking higher than usual doses of combination birth control pills that have both estrogen and progestin. This method is most effective within three days of unprotected sex, and it must be done under the supervision of a physician (the number of pills you would take depends on the brand of birth control you use).
How effective is the Yuzpe method? The Yuzpe method is thought to be about 75 percent effective at preventing pregnancy.
How much does it cost? It costs the same as combination birth control pills, which you would usually already have on hand if you are using this method.
Note: Hormonal treatments may also prevent a conception from securely attaching to the mother’s womb (nidation), resulting in a very early miscarriage which often appears to be a normal menstruation. The hormone dose also induces a prompt mentruational flow.
The Copper IUD
The copper Paragard IUD is a non-hormonal IUD. Once the IUD is inserted into the uterus, it makes it hard for sperm to fertilize an egg. When used as a form of EC, the copper IUD is most effective if used within five days after unprotected sex
How effective is the copper IUD? It’s more than 99.9 percent effective against pregnancy and then provides very reliable contraception for up to 10 years.
How much does it cost? It costs the same as when it’s used for regular contraception, anywhere from $0 to $1,300, but it is often free or low-cost with many health insurance plans, Medicaid, and other government programs.
Note: IUD devices may also prevent a conception from securely attaching to the mother’s womb (nidation), resulting in a very early miscarriage which often appears to be a normal menstruation. Some liken it to a ‘coat-hanger abortion’ device, but inserted by a medical professional, to limit damage to the woman’s body, while effectively puncturing any amniotic sack in the uterus.
About 8 hours later I actually went into surgery, I don’t remember anything. I was wheeled into the operating room and the anesthesiologist cracked a dumb joke, and then I was out.
I woke up with my penis wrapped up in bandages and a catheter in me. If you have never had to use a catheter, count yourself lucky. I was told I needed to keep the catheter in for 10 days.
These were the longest 10 days of my life. If you asked me what the pain was on a scale of 1-10, it was 7 with the opioids, and 11 without them.
Any little movement with my penis and I got searing pain. Wearing any type of clothes was out because I just could not take it, I was pretty much naked during those ten days. Anytime the catheter twisted? Pain. Anytime I had to roll out of bed to go get something from the fridge? Pain.
Worst of all? Erections.
As the men reading this will know, erections are not really voluntary, we just get them sometimes. Morning wood is a real thing and its not controllable.
Want to know what getting an erection feels like when you have stitches in your dick and a catheter? Worse than words could ever explain.
I woke up screaming three times a night. I would tear something and I could see the stale blood along the catheter as my erections came and went. The blood became crispy, and if I didn’t clean it when it happened, the next erection would be 5 times as painful because it would grow along the stale, sharp leftover blood on the catheter.
I quickly learned how to kill erections, but it was still really bad. I’m actually leaving out some details because I’m not fully recovered yet and the phantom pain comes back as I’m trying to recall it.
As of today, I have the catheter out and can walk around again, but erections are still painful, I imagine that will go away in the next few weeks.
Yes, You Really Can Fracture a Penis shaft — Here's What That Means
There are a lot of sexual myths out there, but doctors confirm that broken penises aren't one of them. Remember when Lexie Grey supposedly broke Mark Sloan's penis back when all our favorite characters on Grey's Anatomy were still alive? Nope, Shonda Rhimes wasn't making that up. While there aren't actually bones in the penis, a penile fracture is a real-life injury. We spoke to several urologists to learn how it happens, what a broken penis looks like, and how to treat one.
What exactly is a fractured penis (often known as a "broken dick")?
First, a quick refresher on what inside a penis can break in the first place: A penis contains two chambers of tissue called the corpus cavernosum, which fill with blood when the penis becomes erect.
Blunt force to an erect penis can tear the sheath surrounding these chambers (and even rupture the erectile tissue inside) so that the blood inside leaks out to other areas of the penis. If you need another visual, Alex Shteynshlyuger, a urologist in New York City, says to think of this covering less like a bone and "more like a sausage casing." (Doctors, however, call the covering of the corpus cavernosum the "tunica albuginea.")
How do penile fractures happen?
A penis can be broken during vigorous penetrative sex or through masturbation. When this happens during partnered sex involving a penis and vagina, "generally speaking, the penis will come out of the vagina and strike against the pubic bone," says Leslie Deane, an associate professor of urology at Rush University Medical Center in Chicago.
While a penis can fracture during sex in any position, research suggests that Female on top, or rear-entry positions such as ‘reverse cowgirl’ or ‘doggy style’ may lead to penile fractures more often than ‘missionary’ or ‘spooning.’ A penis may be more likely to exit a vagina or anus entirely when thrusting from behind and then, instead of reentering, bang against something hard like the perineum. (If you're an anal sex beginner, it's important to take things slow. Deane says penile fractures aren't uncommon, and that he sees several cases a year. He adds that he observes higher rates of the injury around Valentine's Day and that alcohol is sometimes involved.
What does a broken dick look like?
According to Stacy Loeb, an assistant professor of urology and population health at New York University, a penile fracture may be accompanied by a popping noise, a rapid loss of erection, and acute pain. "The penis may develop swelling and bruising, referred to as an 'eggplant deformity,'" Loeb says. This means that the eggplant emoji isn't totally off-base as a representation of dicks: It just looks like a broken one. Shteynshlyuger adds that some penile fractures lead to bleeding from the tip of the urethra and that patients may notice blood in their urine. If you're having fun with a penis that suddenly "pops," goes soft, and causes its owner immense pain, seek medical attention immediately. You might have a broken dick on your hands.
How is a broken penis treated?
Still reading? Good, because there's some positive news: If treated, broken dicks stand a great chance of making a full recovery. Unfortunately, Deane says, surgery is required in most cases. While there are less severe penile injuries that can occur during sex, such as a tear of one of the superficial veins, the only way to know for sure what's going on is to head to the emergency room.
It's also important to do it fast: "Surgical repair of the tear usually results in good outcomes," Shteynshlyuger emphasizes. However, "If a penile fracture is severe and not treated in a timely manner, it can lead to problems with obtaining or maintaining erections, [or] it may also cause scar formation in the penis and a condition called Peyronie's disease, which causes curvature and deformity of the penis."
After surgery to repair the ruptured "sausage casing" inside the penis, the recovering patient should be able to have sex again in about six to eight weeks, although Deane advises going slow at first. This doesn't mean that wild, headboard-rattling sex is off the table after a penile fracture, but it's not a bad idea for patients to ease their way back in.
Hard Flaccid Syndrome
A rare condition that affects some men, is called Hard Flaccid. They have a stiff, but smaller-than-erect cock. It’s painful, inhibits real erection, prevents ejaculation, and has constant pain which increases during urination.
Our best investigations conclude that it comes from a likely combination of muscle injury coupled with an anxiety or stress disorder. Many people manifest stiff muscles under stress. More often it’s neck, back, or chest muscles. But rarely it’s the pelvic floor muscles which connect the pelvic bone to the tailbone. When women do Kegal exercises for better vagina constriction, they are working those same pelvic floor muscle groups.
But when a physical injury leads to muscle spasms, like common back injuries cause, The spasms can lead to a precipitous chain of other ‘self preservation’ conditions.
The Hard Flaccid Syndrome is believed to be just such a ‘perfect storm’ chain of events.
Let’s hear from a few men who are dealing with this, and what their progress entails.
‘Old Will’ said;
“I had Hard-Flaccid for about two years. Low labido, cold penis, glands sometimes had white spots. Then for about 8 months I practiced relaxing, worked on my anxiety and anger issues and it all over time went away.
I started off on anxiety meds and that's when I noticed hard-flaccid getting better. Suddenly it hit me that the only thing I hadn't thought of was managing my anxiety. I was on that for about 2 months. Then when I got off the meds it started to get a little worse but I figured, if it was really anxiety that caused it, then I needed to calm down, and stop obsessing over it. I mean, I was absolutely obsessed with curing my hard flaccid. So, I just stopped looking into it. I stopped looking for cures online. I made the decision to just enjoy life for a change, better myself and not think about all this all day. And slowly, it just returned to normal.
When I first really started taking my mental health seriously, which was about 8 months ago, and the true beginning of my recovery process I lifted weights about 5 days a week. I wouldn't call myself heavyweight lifter. I did light moderate weight lifting. But I haven't been to the gym since November. I plan on going back. I'm a firm believer of exercise improving body and mind.
I masturbated during my healing process. I do think it would have made things move along a little faster, if I didn't masturbate at all, but I figured it was worse if I stressed over it. So, if I was gonna masturbate, I was going to enjoy it and have no regrets about it.
I know how difficult this is for people so I wanted to share my story and hope it helps many of you.”
‘Whirl Mind’ responded;
“Mine likely developed from a lot of sitting, possibly bad diet for a few days or spicy food that led to minor constipation/difficult bowel movements, and general stress that increased clenching. Who knew I could injury myself by crapping too hard?
Not totally sure though and I’m still in a minor flare, softer down there today though.
Mine also went away pretty much completely for about 2 weeks recently, without sticking to any routine. I’m noticing some pelvic floor inflammation and extra pain at the base as of a few days ago and the HF has returned but in a more minor way. Hoping I can get over this again and also trying to work on my anxiety.
My condition had suddenly turned into the thin & weightless “long flaccid” and it freaked me out at first, but after 5 days or so of that I pretty much just accepted any variance in that as good and got myself into a positive feedback loop. Note that I am an extremely high-strung person and this wasn’t easy but I was so desperate that it was imperative that I just let go. So pushing everything surrounding this shit to the back of my mind but also staying afloat on any positive changes like better hang, better fullness temporarily etc. I think this mental state was and is a huge part of the condition to focus on for most people but also a big reason why it is so fickle.
I don’t know if something in particular in terms of lifestyle or diet caused this recent return to HF but I do know that my anxiety surrounding the condition was a little worse for a few days this week. I can clearly feel the issue of dysfunction at the base which seems to stem from my IC and BC muscles, because when the both the Hard-Flaccid and Long-Flaccid states leveled out and I was feeling good and much closer to normal I still dealt with many of the muscular symptoms, or what I’m assuming are muscular.
Anxiety can be so hidden in our psyche and I’ve literally watched it, like a switch going on and off, effect at least the peripheral symptoms of this condition. I’ve practiced no-fap, which means abstaining from jerking off; mainly as an experiment but my erection quality is astounding at this point in time.
As anxiety is dealt with, libido should increase as well as Erection Quality in the absence of a more severe issue. The uncertainty of this condition is so hard to deal with, and with some firmness & tightness down there, now present again.
I’m seriously trying to get a grip on my anxiety and will probably do some light stretches. For me personally I found that sometimes getting into a routine all to fix HF would make things worse since I was so fixated on it, so if anything I’m trying to find a balance with everything.
Keep in mind I never stuck to any routine and was somewhat inconsistent, the change to Long-Flaccid happened so suddenly while I was just trying to sleep, and in pain; and the improvements that followed seemed to only come with time, working on anxiety and trying to live without thinking about this condition.”
Gunz GotBunz added his encouragement;
“Your symptoms are my symptoms, and I found that after being completely calm, and using the relaxation & mindfulness techniques every day, it was so easy for my wife to stimulate me my penis was so long and hard! I felt the glory of Rome that day!
But alas that was but once. Anxiety always takes a toll on the body, and the more I achieve mindfulness the better and bigger my erection gets!”
You’re watching a hot sex scene, getting it on in your backseat, or you’re taking a little “me time” with your favorite website, and, well, you notice things aren’t happening down there. What’s going on? It could be something called penis numbness. There are quite a few reasons a man can be the bewildered owner of a numb penis. Read on to learn how penis numbness reached you and then how to get him back up and at ’em!
1) Penile Injury – Known also as penile traumas, penis injuries can cause penis numbness . A penile injury damages the blood vessels, which are essential to a healthy penis because they bring the blood that produces an erection. Lots of things can hurt a penis, such as rough sex, too much masturbating, using a too-tight grip for self-pleasure, sexual aids, and group sports.
2) Neuropathy – Neuropathy is when a limb or appendage goes numb. This numb penis is often the effect of an illness or condition but can also be the result of the regular pinching of a nerve (say in the hip area). Neuropathy wears 2 masks. One time it feels like a cold numbness, and the next time it feels like pins-and-needles or lightning shooting through the penis. Medical conditions such as diabetes, obesity, lupus, multiple sclerosis, and some cancers can cause neuropathy.
3) Peyronie’s Disease – Peyronie’s disease is a condition in which the penis has a curve of more than 20 percent. In addition to being a painful disease, Peyronie’s disease has been associated with loss of penile sensation in some men. The scar tissue that causes Peyronie’s can be less sensitive than regular tissue, resulting in loss of genital sensation.
4) Lifestyle – Lifestyle is a big part of health, but it’s often the thing people are most reticent to change. Diet and exercise are significant factors that need to be addressed if there aren’t already healthy behaviors in practice. Stress can also make the problem worse, so be sure to incorporate stress-reduction techniques into each day. Changes in lifestyle have been shown time and time again to yield big results.
Penis Power: How to Get It Back!
Want a more-sensitive penis? In most cases, a man can regain sensitivity with a little dedication and a little help. Here are a few ways to breathe life back into a man’s boner.
Address the root disease if it’s the cause. Work with doctors and therapists to first treat the disease and then treat the symptom, not vice versa. Whole-body health should always be the number one focus.
Wear looser pants and underwear to give the big guy some space and not have to spend the day hugging fabric, which desensitizes it.
Spend some time each day letting it all hang out in a personal space. A little air also prevents too much contact for the penis.
More movement – sitting all day can deaden the nerves in the pelvic basin. Get up every hour or two to give them some freedom.
Don’t go too hard, or too often, when sexing it up.
For men who cycle, get a padded bicycle seat cover and padded shorts to reduce the hard compression against the nerves for prolonged rides.
Proper penis care can also preserve sensation and decrease the chances of penis numbness. Lightly, but thoroughly, wash it with a gentle cleanser and warm water, then rinse and air dry.
Use a reliable skin treatment oil, like Shea Butter, Almond oil, or other safe moisturizer. Avoid lotions with harmful ingredients. All of it gets absorbed into your organs, and can be toxic.
Sex lubricants that might be fine for a woman’s internal organs, may be terrible for a man’s external organ. Water-based lubes evaporate very quickly, especially with rapid stroking. If your lover is stroking you hard, and the once-viscos lube, is now a tar-like glue, It can not only tear your very thin cock skin, but it can also lead to bursting internal cells inside your shaft or glans.
Sometimes it’s only a fantasy desired by one of them, yet the other lover plays a role simply to satisfy the other’s sexual sesires. Here’s Alfie.
Spread eagle is my definitely my favorite bondage position. I love it. Tying at the feet is not always necessary, but the hands, absolutely. Even though a pair of cuffs in the middle do have their place, I’m a firm believer in hands at the corners. Some sort of strapping under the bed, whatever; we just want his arms out. Face up, of course.
n a bed big enough for both of you
n some kind of restraint system already attached at all four corners of the bed frame, to tie his limbs outward, toward the four corners of the bed
n a bowl or basket containing:
A: a bottle of tasty massage oil,
B: a cock ring, and
C: a feather, furry mitt, or something which is very ticklish.
Besides these, the following are preferred;
n big tits If you’ve got them
n and minty gum can be nice.
No need for a blindfold. believe me, his eyes are your friend. You might also keep a glass of water, gotta keep those spit and sweat glands pumping. Ice water if you’re a bitch.
And a word on gagging. it’s up to you! But if you’re gonna gag, gag properly (i.e. rubber is better than your thong). Let’s get started! But let him breathe freely. His muffled voice is more for your experience of domination.
Get your man on your bed. Your face and hairdo should be impeccable and sultry, with lipstick mascara, and whatever else makes you look like a high-class slut. But somehow keep your hair from falling into your face on onto his oily body.
You want his to see your impeccable face and styled hair for the entire event.
If there’s a clock in the room, hide it.
Get him on his back and give him a kiss. A pillow under his head is good. And he’s naked, right? Completely naked? Dote on him and ask if he likes the position of the pillow. This doting just camouflages the torment you have planned for today.
You don’t have to be also naked, yet; but let your clothing help set a sensual mood. A Silky robe or his favorite lingerie is a good choice to start with.
Make focused attention on his comfort before you gently attach the restraints. Adjust the wrist restraints so you can fit one finger between the material and his skin. You want barely any wiggle room in his arms.
And his legs? Well, that’s up to you. Being bound on the bed and all accessible is going to make him squirm whether his legs are forced straight or not. I say leave em. But he might accidently hurt you if he suddenly flinches his legs.
Once all restraints are attached, extend each of his limbs and tighten the length up, so he’s truly spread-eagle and limited from squirming around during the event.
Tease and denial is the name of the game here. Or “edging” if you like. And edging it is.
We’ll be taking him right to the edge of an orgasm, more than a few times.
You know you’re doing well if you lose count. I hope your blowjob skills are up to date, ‘cause tongue is king here. Not to say it’s your only asset (it’s not). but subjecting him to excruciating pussy-torture can come a bit later.
In case it’s not clear already, this guide is written from a woman’s perspective; so if you’re not one, some parts of it may not be applicable.
So! Your man-slave is bound and the fun can begin.
What’s first? Well, “what’s first” is the part that I don’t really know about. I hope the setting is nice, the light not too bright; the room not too cold. Sensual music or nature sounds can be nice.
I like to get on top for a moment after the restraints are on, & give him a hickey, then slither down to his knees.
Scratch his stomach and sides on the way down (good nails are good to have; nothing like a French manicure at your man’s balls). Yeah, scratch his balls a little.
Sensual disrobing:
By now it’s time to take something off. Make it a sensual performance for his enjoyment. I let my g string panties stay on a little longer, but you ain’t got a smooth stomach for nothing.
Now it’s time to bring out the massage oil. I Hope you taste tested it first. Sweet Almond or olive oil is reliable. Sweet Almond unscented oil has a very neutral taste. Artificial scents might smell nice, but usually are bitter tasting, and might upset your stomach. Plan on lots of tasting.
Mmm, oil. Again, don’t use any water-base lubricant for this event. Whatever oil it is you use, it’ll warm up in your hand and be a little more liquidy. We don’t need to let it yet, though.
So kneel facing him, right up between his thighs; & get yourself all slippery; it’s easy to start with your own arms, and then your chest and beyond. Show him how slippery. Cover yourself from your neck down to your thighs.
Now straddle over his waist as you coat his arms, shoulders, neck, chest, and armpits. It’ll make little suction noises when you dump it on your hands and on to his body. Cover everything in front of you, down to his knees, up to his nipples, only enough on his cock to get it shiny. Don’t put oil on his head, or yours. Take a minute to lightly rub his armpits, flanks, and nipples.
Now slowly slide your panties down each hip, then shift off him as you draw a leg out of the thong. Then get up and stand over him, facing his feet, with your ass and cunt in his full view. Now slowly descend to your knees, and apply oil on your ass, once coated sufficiently, lean over with a hand resting on the mattress right next to his crotch, so he can see you further rub the oil slowly over your anus and labia.
Add some more oil on his pelvis, thighs, hips, just make sure you’re carefully supporting your own weight as you slide your hands over his oily body. We don’t need any cracked ribs ruining the event.
When you’re both coated, rotate around and kneel between his thighs.
Now slowly lean over and give one of his nipples a lick, then lay flat on top of him again.
Let your tits make first body contact to his chest, and pause to oscillate a bit, before fully landing your entire torso onto his, with your thighs along the inside of his.
You can probably feel gravity pulling you towards his feet. You can position your breasts nicely between his thighs on the slide down stroke, then slide back up to his face and do it again. Maybe lick his balls.
Get up on your knees and rotate to straddle his stomach now, on your knees again, his eyes facing your ass. Pour or squirt some oil into your palm and hold it for, oh, ten seconds. Then cup your hand with it up under his balls, and drag the liquid up to his belly button.
Massage his entire scrotum sack, gently fondling each of his balls as you go.
Finally, drip a bit of oil over his cock tip, then use an open palm to very gently rub just his glans, the top cap of his cock.
Add some more oil on his cock tip, and sensually spread the oil down his entire cock shaft.
Ooh, all slippery, all of a sudden. Grasp his cock below the head and slide your hand back down again, and massage his balls some more, It’s amazing if the sack is trimmed or shaven.
Put your thumb and forefinger in an ‘okay’ circle position around the base of his cock, above the balls, and squeeze. Draw your hand up a little and see that cock head bulge; every nerve ending standing at attention. You can hold the tight grasp about 15 seconds, then release him now, because it’s time for the cock ring.
I prefer and recommend the simple stretchy rubber O ring that leaves his balls free. Have him take a deep breathe in, then have him completely relax his body as he exhales. While he exhales, roll the cock ring on down his oily shaft, right to the base. Now maybe give him a minute to cool down first if you have to. While your ass is in his face, rub your labia and anus slowly, some more, then crawl back down between his thighs and look at his eyes.
This is the slow, grueling handjob. It’s going to be very tasty indeed. I have a big smile on my face, perched inside his spread knees, looking into his eyes and licking my teeth.
What a view he has: my face, my hair, tits, neck, bare shoulders, and his big, helpless cock wrapped in my slick fingers. A nice little exclamation point.
With the cock ring on properly, his cock is; hard. Don’t forget it. The cock ring is a must-have for 90% of the time. The cock ring’s doing some work for you in keeping his penis bigger, harder, more sensitive and for longer. It also prolongs cumming, which is nice. Would you like to prolong cumming?
Anyway, back to the matter at hand. I’d say for now stay at his knees. Have one hand by his stomach and the other around his dick. Tickle, rub, caress and massage the head. Your fingertips have a little texture and it’s good for this.
Make a fist above the head and slide the cock through your liberally lubricated hand, and then the next above it. Keep one hand working his balls while the other is up and down the shaft, getting just high enough to touch the head.
But this isn’t really a handjob guide; it’s up to you to know how to get him real worked up in your hands, but just shy of cumming. Pay very close attention to his facial expressions. You should have learned these clues from all the previous sex you’ve had with your lover.
And I mean real just shy of cumming. Don’t take any chances if he’s looking ready bust a nut 'cause game’s over if he does, unless you’re both into a little Post orgasmic torture.
After the third or fourth almost-orgasm, just stop. Release his cock (I didn’t say take the ring off) and take a break.
Lie down next to him, ask him how he’s doing. He’s probably a mess already.
If he’s been talking a lot and annoying you, feel free to gag him. Ball gags are best. You can also shut him up with some tongue and a little gravity-biased spit swapping. Reach down and stroke his cock. I say gag him. If he doesn’t he’s never getting out. Hehe, look at those eyes. You need him to be able to breathe freely, because it’s one of the clues of his impending ejaculation.
Get back on top of him, looking away. Sit on his chest; or his neck. Don’t worry, he can breathe. Get out your oil. He’s likely to groan at the click of the bottle closing. That’s right, slow grueling handjob part two. Drip some lube on his cock and get busy again. It should take less than five minutes to get him to orgasm, so go for four and a half. Give it a couple minutes cool down period each time.
Take off his gag for a minute. Don’t worry, you’ll get it back on. Lie flat on top of his body, with your cunt barely rubbing the side of his cock shaft. Kiss him on the lips, and tell him you’re going to suck his cock a little; maybe a lot? See the slightly pained expression.
Tell him you’re going to eat him alive. I like to tell him; “Kiss me if you want to cum, suck my lips off.”
Save your saliva, put the gag back and reverse yourself. Apply some fresh oil and get into the 69 position. Depending on how tall you both are your thighs may be right past his face, but likely not (unless on purpose). Licky licky, sucky sucky.
Ooh, the blowjob, about the most vindictive instrument of torture at your disposal; pleasure-torture, of course, but torturous none the less.
Have your hands intertwined around his balls and the base of his cock, and point the thing at your lips. Tell him it’s just inches away. He can feel your hands, your breath and your tits on his stomach, but is looking at your spread ass. Told you a blindfold wasn’t necessary. That said, presentation isn’t as important now, either.
Press his cock against his stomach and give his balls a lick. In fact, give his balls the whole hog all over again. Lap away like a dog on peanut butter.
Tongue, tongue, tongue. Not the best from this angle though, so back to the shaft. Do a sloppy harmonica slide kiss up its length and back down the other side. Do it again; then let the tip of your tongue wander along the base of the head, all around; you’ll probably have been introduced to precum by now. Precum is the bomb. In fact, precum is a reward, and you want more of it. And god knows his dick wants more of your saliva.
Yes, saliva, the wonderful renewable fluid of many useful and interesting applications. Put it on his dick. Lots of it. Big, long, flat licks are good for applying the stuff. So is outright drooling. It’s also recyclable; anyway, coat it.
Purse your lips in the Marilyn Monroe “prune” shape and plant them on the head. Lower your own head, slowly, keeping them pressed, sliding your lips over the head so he breaks firmly through your kiss. I like to call this move “crowning” the dick.
Mmm, cocksucking. In this context of extremely erotic tease and denial, this is where the head of his cock gets a good workout. Get both hands around the shaft and your mouth on the head for the full engulfing effect, or take him to your tonsils while he’s gasping. He should be gasping.
He’s definitely feeling the restraints, for he really wants his hands on your ass. Or your head, or something, anything. Helpless as a little duckling.
So employ to whatever effect you choose. Your lips, tongue, teeth, the cavity at the back of your mouth…the roof of your mouth, cheeks, did I say lips? Teeth are special. The mouth’s real power, there to tease and delight, nibble and horrify, perhaps making a gentle introduction as his cock glides past your cool, wet lips for the umpteenth time.
His cock, still, sealed inside the tight, wet and very hot prison of your mouth, with your tongue the interrogator and no escape in sight. I’m sure it’s ecstasy, and ecstasy should last. For a real treat, squirt some (edible) oil in your mouth, let it sit for a moment, and suck him in. Loudly. Unseal your lips to allow some of the goo to dribble out. They call cum-swapping snowballing because of the accumulation; keep slurping. No need for lip gloss with this kind of action.
Instead of popping him out of your mouth when he’s about to cum again, if you think he can handle it just keep him there, suspended in your mouth (oxygen free). In the 69 position your mouth and throat are positioned excellently for sucking cock. Deepthroat him if you can. You want him to really feel and experience the depth and unrelenting cock-ministering power of your body.
Give him a real tour of the orgasm factory, so to speak. With the cock ring, one merely needs a hand and the lightest touch at the base of his cock in order to point it about.
You are his queen tonight, so continue to make the most of it. Give him the most lascivious tongue lashing of his life. Snake it up, down and around the shaft, his belly button, his thighs (no substitute for tits though), and all over the head.
Pointed tongue, flat tongue, slurpy dripping loving tongue; he can feel your every taste bud. Stop intermittently of course. One thing you’ll have to get used to is the sound of breathless disappointment.
I’ve described so far you being flat on his stomach, like a half of 69. If you are, after a good bit of luxury cocksucking, flip around, get your ass in the air, and; continue it. If you thought there was some spit content before, well. Give him a real working over all over again.
Noticed you haven’t used any artificial lubricant in a while? Yeah. Look into his eyes, stick your tongue out all the way, and give him a big snail trail from under his balls to the tip of his cock. You probably know how to swish your tongue around with your mouth closed to stimulate more production.
Have him watch you do this. Then, leave his cock flat on his stomach, lean over and, slowly, let a big fat string drip down past your lips and all over his cock and balls. Drool it. You’ll probably have to break it off at your chin, afterwards. Rub it in (to his dick, I mean), run your tongue up to the head again, hold it vertical, and do your best to make him squeal.
“What, you don’t want your dick sucked?”
You should be at least an hour in. That cock’s been wet for a while. It’s had quite a bit of tongue. If you’re good at blowjobs, he’ll have done some work. And having been licked all over, he ain’t nothing but cock now.
Reapply some oil and remind him. He’s probably moaning, panting, and unsure. Give his balls a scratch. The gag in his mouth will have been suppressing his complaints nicely, to say nothing of the feeling of helplessness it contributes. If this is his first time he’ll have never wanted to cum so badly in his life.
Slow, drawn out, deliberate and agonizing tease and denial is a kind of extreme erotic frustration that in the process of inducing is, well, quite delicious.
You can give your mouth a break now. Sit back at his knees, facing him, and produce your feather, fur, or strip of silk. Wiggle the point of the feather under and around his balls, maliciously target the head, and run it up to his neck. Aw, it’s just a little feather. Drape your piece of fabric on his dick and trace it over and around, or hold it at length and have it dance around his balls.
Set them aside. Did you bring some condoms? I hope so. Oil him up again and slip one on. Dribble a little oil on top, and put another one on! And one or two more, depending on their thickness (you probably don’t need to lube up the last one). Hoo boy. You’re going to fuck him like this. He’ll feel the heat but not your pussy.
So with a glint in your eye, release his leg restraints and have him slide his thighs together, then climb on cowgirl facing him.. Take him right to the hilt; I don’t want to know the noises he’s making. Grind away your clot on his pelvis, but keep the vertical strokes to a minimum. Is it unbearable? Of course not. So let’s turn the torture up to 11.
After you’ve had enough of this, take the condoms off, all at once, release his cock, and have your pussy sit at the base of his shaft. Tell him you want to polish his lovely shaft, and ‘this is gonna suck.’ Put your hands down on the bed beside him, and slide your pussy up the length of the shaft, till your clit is just past the head. Slide back down. Groaning, muffled moaning and heavy breathing are all to be expected. He’s not penetrating your cunt, but your labia & clit are enjoying his shaft.
Be agonizing. Wet pussy sliding on a cock in this state is a deadly, twisted move. You can be a little bit sadistic. Make his cock shine. I needn’t point out it’s the more sensitive underside of his cock you’re working with. So go extra slowly and ignore the whimpering. After a few minutes of this, get off, stand his cock up and plunge the whole thing deep into your pussy. Not too fast though. If you think he can keep still and you aren’t reverse cowgirl, lean forward and kiss his neck. Lick some of the sweat off your victim’s face. Then lean back, keeping his dick confined the whole time. Then crawl up and bury his face in your ass, and purr while he struggles, his cock twitching, getting nothing but air.
“What now? You want some cum soon?”
That can be obliged, if he isn’t ready for another slow, grueling handjob or getting sucked again. But he probably is; and how he gets off is, of course, up to you. Should he orgasm deep in your pussy? I say no. Having him cum all over somewhere visible is more rewarding. You could take the gag off now too, but he might bite you. Get your tongue at the ready, and prepare for an extra large spoonful of hot, sticky cum.
You know how to get him there; when he’s finally ready. I recommend the sloppy cum in mouth finish. Work him. This should be at least the 15th time he approaches a volcanic cum pop.
So either get a hand on there and tongue him to the first squirt, or jerk him with Oily Hand. A hand around his balls either way. Right when he starts ejaculating, pop that bulging cock head in your mouth and get on the receiving end. Smile while it oozes past your lips and down to his balls, like so much spit before it. Cum play is where it’s at. I’d say make sure to get all the cum out, for a giggle during cleanup.
Art and texts from ancient Greece and Rome show physical pain being used as an erotic stimulus, per the book An Illustrated History of the Rod, by William M. Cooper, first published in 1868.
The Kama Sutra, the revered Sanskrit text on sexuality written in India about 2,000 years ago, describes six appropriate places to strike a person with passion and four ways to do it. It also has chapters titled “Scratching,” “Biting,” and “Reversing Roles.”
The Marquis de Sade, a French aristocrat who lived from 1740 to 1814, wrote a variety of erotic novels and short stories involving being beaten and beating others. Eventually the author’s name gave rise to the term “sadism.”
Similarly, the term “masochism” is derived from the name of Austrian nobleman and author Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, whose 1870 novel Venus in Furs describes a dominant-submissive relationship.
Back in 1953, a Kinsey Institute study found that 55 percent of women and 50 percent of men were aroused by being bitten.
And even pre-Fifty Shades of Grey, 36 percent of U.S. adults reported having had sex using masks, blindfolds, or other forms of bondage.
BDSM enthusiasts have created an entire vocabulary around their lifestyle.
If you’re interested in exploring BDSM (bondage/discipline, domination/submission, sadism/masochism), you’ll need to understand BDSM terms. The glossary below will make it easier for you to parse the technical terminology as well as the not-so-scientific vernacular — aka, slang — you’ll need to speak BDSM.
Aftercare
When a scene is over, aftercare is the emotional and physical care that’s administered, usually by a top. Proper aftercare may be used to prevent a drop.
Age Play
When participants take on an older or younger role.
BDSM
An umbrella term used to describe a sexual practice that involves the use of physical control, psychological power, or pain. It typically includes the components of bondage and discipline, domination and submission, or sadism or masochism.
Bondage and Discipline
A type of BDSM practice that incorporates bondage (tying, binding, or restraining someone) and discipline (punishing a submissive partner when they break a rule).
Bottom
The person in a scene who follows the orders and receives the sensations.
Breath Play
A form of play when one participant controls their breath. This may include choking or holding the breath.
Consent
Agreeing to certain acts in a BDSM scene or relationship. Practitioners believe that consent is what separates BDSM from assault.
Contract
An arrangement that outlines the rules and structures of a BDSM relationship. It may be written or oral.
Dom
A dominant role, often referring to a male.
Domina
A dominant who is female and embraces a feminine gender role — sometimes called a Domme or Dominatrix.
Dominance and Submission (D/S)
A term for the behaviors or rituals that a submissive person follows in a BDSM relationship. In D/S, one person usually has power over another.
Dominant
A person who has the authority in a BDSM relationship or scene.
Drop
The physical or emotional exhaustion that takes place after a scene. Both tops and bottoms may experience a drop. Crying, feeling sad, and physical shaking are all signs of a drop.
Dungeon
A location where BDSM play takes place (usually in a person’s home or at a club).
Dungeon Monitor
A person (or group of people) who supervises BDSM activities at a club or play party to make sure the acts are safe and consensual.
Edge Play
BDSM acts that are considered more intense or dangerous, such as breath play.
Female Dominance
When a woman takes the dominant role in a BDSM relationship or scene.
Female Submission
BDSM activity in which a woman submits to a sexual partner.
Fetish
An obsession with a specific experience, body part, or object.
Fetish Wear
The clothing worn by those who practice BDSM (usually leather attire or other role-playing costumes).
Gender Play
A type of BDSM play when an individual in a scene takes on the role of the opposite gender.
Hard Limits
An activity that a person in a BDSM relationship absolutely won’t do. A hard limit can’t be negotiated.
Impact Play
A type of BDSM play that involves striking the body. This can be done with a hand, paddle, cane, whip, flogger, or other instrument.
Kink
Nonconventional sexual practices. BDSM is often referred to as kink.
Master
The person who has control over a slave in a consensual master-slave relationship.
Male Dominance
BDSM acts when the dominant partner is a man, also called maledom.
Male Submission
BDSM activities when the submissive participant is a man, also referred to as malesub.
Masochist
An individual who likes or becomes sexually gratified by their own pain or humiliation.
Munch
An informal meeting or party, often at a public place, where people interested in BDSM can mingle.
Play
A term used to describe the BDSM acts themselves.
Play Party
A social gathering where guests can engage in BDSM activity.
Pro Domme
A woman who is a professional top and dominant.
Protocol
A rule or rules that people practicing BDSM agree to follow.
Role Play
When one or more people take on a different identity during a scene. Examples may include teacher-student, doctor-patient, or boss-employee role plays.
Sadism and Masochism
This subset of BDSM involves inflicting pain or humiliation for the purpose of pleasure or sexual gratification.
Sadist
A person who enjoys or becomes sexually aroused by inflicting pain or humiliation on someone else.
Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC)
This phrase describes what the BDSM community considers ethical behavior. Kink enthusiasts stress that activities must always be safe, sane, and consensual.
Safe Word
An agreed upon word or phrase that a bottom, sub, or slave can say during a scene to stop the activity or session immediately. Some common safe words are “red,” “red light,” “pineapple,” and “banana.”
Soft Limits
A limit that’s more flexible than a hard limit. It might be an act that a person is hesitant to perform but may be willing to try.
Scene
The actual BDSM activities or encounters that take place.
Slave
A person who gives up total control of one or more parts of their life to a master.
Submissive
Someone who submits to a dominant person in a BDSM relationship or scene. Submissive can be shortened to sub.
Switch
A person who sometimes plays a top and sometimes plays a bottom in a BDSM scene.
Top
The person who performs the BDSM acts in a scene.
Topping From the Bottom
When a bottom tries to control a scene even though it was agreed that the top would be in charge.
24-7s
When individuals in a relationship engage in some form of BDSM at all times (24 hours a day, 7 days a week).
Vanilla Sex
Used by people in the BDSM community to label sexual behavior that doesn’t involve kink.
This post is part of the How To Sex podcast. Subscribe in your favorite apps.
Chronic medical conditions become more common as a person ages. Many of these can interfere with an older person's sex life.
Arthritis and Chronic Pain
Arthritis and other chronic pain conditions are common among older adults and can make sex very difficult. Depending on the cause, doctors may recommend physical therapy to strengthen muscles and improve flexibility.
Nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs), both over-the-counter and prescription, can be taken before sex to help ease the pain. Opioid drugs, while effective as a pain reliever, can cause a drop in testosterone and contribute to ED.
If the pain only occurs in certain sexual positions, let your partner know and try different positions. Bolstering your bodies with pillows and cushions can also help.
In the United States, almost one-third of adults over 65 have diabetes. Approximately half of these are undiagnosed.
Diabetes can cause sexual dysfunction in both men and women. This can be due to circulation problems, medication side effects, or nerve damage. Problems include:
The best way to reduce the impact of diabetes is to gain control of your blood sugar. Speak with your doctor if you have difficulty managing your blood sugar, and be sure to mention any sexual health problems you may be having. It's important for your doctor to know.
Heart Disease
Older age is the greatest risk factor for heart disease. Heart disease causes problems as arteries start to narrow and harden (referred to as atherosclerosis). This reduces blood flow throughout the body, including the pelvis and genitals, resulting in sexual dysfunction in both men and women.
Heart disease is one of the leading causes of erectile dysfunction in men. It can also cause women to have difficulty achieving orgasm due to the decreased blood flow to the genitals.
There is no one way to resolve these issues, but there is evidence that statin drugs used to reduce the risk of heart disease can improve erectile dysfunction in some men.19 Some studies suggest that similar approaches may improve sexual function in women with heart disease.
People with heart disease may also be nervous about sex due to fear of a heart attack. While sexual activity is generally safe, talk to your health provider if you are concerned.
Today, more than 40% of adults over 65 meet the definition of obesity. Research shows that women who are obese are more likely to experience sexual dysfunction than non-obese women. In addition, obesity increases the odds of erectile dysfunction in men.
These issues may be directly related to higher rates of diabetes among people who are obese as well as reduced blood circulation due to atherosclerosis.
Weight loss, achieved with a healthy diet and routine exercise, is considered the best strategy to overcome obesity. It may also improve a person's self-image and sense of well-being while making sex easier to navigate.
Urinary Incontinence
Urinary incontinence is the loss of bladder control. This becomes more common with age, especially in women.
Incontinence can be embarrassing and make sex awkward. Women who experience stress incontinence may be afraid to orgasm. Extra pressure on the abdomen during intercourse can also cause urinary leakage.
If you have incontinence, empty your bladder before sex. Changing sexual positions can help prevent urinary leakage by avoiding the compression of the bladder. Pelvic floor exercises can also help strengthen the muscles that aid with urine control.
Medications
Some medications used in older adults can cause sexual dysfunction in both men and women. These include:
Antidepressants
Antihistamines
Chemotherapy
Diuretics ("water pills")
High blood pressure medicines
Opioid painkillers
If you are having sexual difficulties, let your doctor know and advise them of any drugs you are taking, including over-the-counter, prescription, or recreational.
Lifestyle and Mental Health
Lifestyle and mental health issues can also contribute to sexual problems in older adults. These issues can be just as difficult—and sometimes even more difficult—to overcome than physical ones. If you are faced with any of these issues, there are things you can do to turn them around.
Alcohol
For some people, drinking a glass of wine helps them relax and get in the mood. However, too much alcohol can end up impairing sexual function. According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, alcohol is the most-used drug among older adults, with 65% of people 65 and older reporting high-risk drinking.
Alcohol can impair a man's ability to get an erection, cause premature ejaculation, or delay orgasm. In women, too much alcohol can make it difficult to climax.
Reducing the amount you drink can help, but if you are unable to control your alcohol use, speak to your doctor about treatment options.
Depression
In the United States, between 5% and 10% of adults over 65 are estimated to be depressed. This can lead to many health concerns, including sexual dysfunction.
In people with depression, neurotransmitters—chemical messengers that send signals between the brain and body—are out of balance. This can affect sexual desire, arousal, and orgasm. Ironically, medications used to treat depression can have the same effects.
While the benefits of antidepressants often outweigh the risks, therapy and counseling may offer a reasonable option for those with mild depression.
Stress
Stress can be a contributing factor to sexual dysfunction. Financial worries and health concerns are just some of the common stresses affecting older adults.
To relieve stress (and the effect it has on your sex life), consider stress management techniques like mindful breathing, tai chi, yoga, and meditation. Research shows practicing mindfulness and meditation can ease the effects of stress and improve overall feelings of well-being. This alone may help improve sex.
In addition, seek professional assistance from financial advisors, health advocates, and social workers to help better deal with the other stresses in your life.
Relationship Issues
Lack of sexual intimacy is often related to relationship problems. If you are and your partner are not connecting emotionally, it can lessen your desire to be intimate.
On the flip side, studies show that older couples who engage in sexual intercourse with their partner are likely to share a closer relationship. Moreover, closeness to one’s partner has been shown to increase overall well-being.
While this issue is not unique to older couples, many people find talking to a marriage counselor can help them work through relationship issues and rekindle sexual feelings and attraction.
Self-Image
With age can come weight gain and other body changes that may affect one's sense of physical attractiveness. Self-consciousness can spill over into the bedroom and affect a person's confidence during sex.
A 2019 study among older women found that those who were self-conscious about their bodies reported less sexual satisfaction. By contrast, those who had greater self-acceptance of their bodies irrespective of weight or aging-related changes had a more satisfying sex life.
Self-acceptance is ultimately the key. Working with a therapist, either alone or as a couple, can help you discuss your feelings openly and find a way to embrace a more positive self-image.
The benefits of maintaining your sex life as you age are physical and emotional. Being sexually active is associated with a lower risk of medical conditions and a longer life. It's also associated with a greater sense of happiness and overall well-being.
If your sex life has become stagnant and you'd like to rev it back up, here are a few things you can do.
Communicate
Good sex begins with good communication. Couples who have been together a long time often think they know what the other is thinking. But no one is a mind reader.
Talk to your partner about any concerns you have. You may feel as though your mate is no longer attracted to you because sex has become infrequent, when in fact they are experiencing a decline in sexual interest.
In addition, as sex organs change with age, what felt good before may no longer feel good or may even be painful. Be open with your partner about these changes.
Communicating about sex can be challenging at any age, however. If you and your partner struggle to talk about sex, consider seeing a sex therapist.
Redefine Sex
Sex, as you get older, may need to change. But different can still be good, if not better. With an empty nest and possibly retirement, there’s more time and privacy to explore.
Research shows older adults have a broader definition of sexual activity than younger adults. In other words, they better understand that there is more to sex than just intercourse. Foreplay on its own can be quite satisfying.
Be creative and willing to try new things.
Rethink Intimacy
Sex isn't just physical. It’s an emotional expression of intimacy. As you grow older, sexual intimacy changes. What this means to you and your partner may need to be redefined.
Emotional intimacy can be expressed through non-sexual physical touch. Examples of non-sexual physical touch include:
Back rubs
Cuddling
Holding hands
Hugging
Placing your hand on your partner's shoulder or arm
Playful nudges
Sitting next to each other
Touching feet under the table
Another non-sexual way to build emotional intimacy is spending quality time together. Things you can do:
Go out on dates with other couples.
Look through old photos and reminisce.
Play cards, board games, or word games.
Read aloud to each other.
Play music together.
Travel, explore new places.
Visit with friends or family.
Just Do It
Instead of waiting for the desire to strike, experts recommend that older adults just go for it. This is because sex has physical and emotional benefits. Orgasms release oxytocin, a hormone that induces a state of calm and improves sleep.
Even if you’re not in the mood, having sex can set the stage for more sex in the future. This is especially true for women. Having sex regularly helps increase natural lubrication and vaginal elasticity. It may also improve erections in men.
Summary
Older age can lead to sexual problems in different ways. Age alone increases the risk of erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, low libido, vaginal dryness, and pelvic organ prolapse. Medical conditions like arthritis, diabetes, heart disease, obesity, and incontinence can also directly or indirectly interfere with sex.
Lifestyle and emotional issues that can impair sexual function in all ages can become even more profound in adults 65 years and older. These include stress, depression, negative self-image, relationship problems, and alcohol abuse.
By working with a doctor or therapist, you can overcome many of these concerns and improve not only your quality of life but your sex life as well. Keeping open lines of communication and embracing change as a natural part of life can also help keep your sex life fresh as you approach your later years.
