Welcome back to you and me!!

Today we're talking about what shana rishona is really all about. It might not be what you think! (Plus a tool that can help you at any stage of your marriage.)

The First Year Married program launches June 2! If you're a newlywed, you can sign up here: kaylalevin.com/newlywed

The Glow Community to join us for Mastermind the Worst Part of Your Day: kaylalevin.com/coaching

Give a gift to a newlywed or a friend who could use some extra support: kaylalevin.com/gift

FREE Shalom for Shalom Challenge

WhatsApp: bit.ly/shalom30

Email: bit.ly/shalom-challenge

Mentor sessions coming up on the podcast! Know someone who has great ideas to offer about improving some area of our lives? Email me at kayla @ kaylalevin.com your ideas--whether it's you or someone you know!

Podcast: Ep. 62 - Your Marriage Is A Baby

When the issue seems so big it can be hard to see the value of each small action. This week we're discussing the power of making small steps--whether in response to the war, in our marriages, or any area.

Also an update on the podcast, the Shalom for Shalom Project, and other ways to work on your marriage now.

To join the Shalom for Shalom Project on Whatsapp

Click here to join by email

When life is stressful, sometimes the last thing you think you can handle is supporting a struggling husband. Today I want to talk about some of the struggles I'm seeing a lot with the clients I work with and how fierce support can create a bedrock for your marriage you will be so grateful for in the decades to come.

Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you in my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at kaylalevin.com/coaching

[The Newlywed Mastermind is open for registration for the March cohort! What in the WORLD are you waiting for?! www.firstyearmarried.com/coaching]

Who says coaching has to be complicated?

In this week's episode, I'm sharing a quick tip for building more positivity, commitment, and love in your relationship... and you can do the entire thing yourself. Working on your marriage isn't always about the heavy lifting--sometimes, it's a small shift in mindset and a tiny detail.

Also, coffee.

(Photo by Takahiro Sakamoto on Unsplash)

Hey friends! This one was a re-record thanks to technical difficulties but I think take two turned out even better for you! 

This week I'm talking about what you want. No, not the simple fluffy "I feel like a VANILLA latte" type of wanting, but what you REALLY want, what lights you up--and what to do if you don't even remember.

But we're also going to take it another level deeper and learn a skill about using the language of "want" when you are working towards your goals--whether that's a career, family, educational, or spiritual goal. This one's gonna be a game changer for you.

Want to take this work deeper?

Make sure you're registered for the next Mastermind. Spots are limited. www.firstyearmarried.com/coaching

This week we're talking about what the "dream" is in your marriage -- and why you might already be living it without even realizing it.

Also, I ramble a lot. 

...and use the phrase "pea in a cup" EXTENSIVELY -- but it's not like the kind at the doctor.

Ennnnjoy!

More stuff: www.firstyearmarried.com

Mastermind (because obvs): www.firstyearmarried.com/coaching

What struggles are you dealing with that could actually be a non-issue?

How do we find the mental obstacles we've created?

When you set a compelling goal, your brain has a heyday. Lucky us, right?

But what's awesome about that is it gives you a chance to see WHAT your brain has been offering you all the time. (It just gets louder.) 

So this week I'm taking you on a mini coaching session (workbook included at www.firstyearmarried.com on the podcast episode page) to find your obstacles, clarify your goal, and live the dream.

Also... make sure you're on the wait list to find out when new coaching spots become available and new workshops are offered! 

This week I'm addressing a really common situation I've heard from a surprising number of you! Dealing with EXTRA in-law time when your family is far away and you can't see them due to COVID.

BUT even if that's not your highly-specific scenario, I want you to know that I'm also teaching a new tool that you will DEFINITELY want to use in your self-coaching! So don't miss this one.

By the way, make sure you're on the email list. Really good stuff coming your way soon. You don't want to miss it.

You can sign up at firstyearmarried.com

Your feedback on part 1 was awesome and here's the second installment. This week you'll hear all about how we've used self-coaching tools to improve our marriage and deal with challenges that have come our way. 

More from Kayla at www.firstyearmarried.com (make sure you're subscribed to the email list!)

Learn more about the self-coaching model by Brooke Castillo that we reference in the episode at thelifecoachschool.com

In honor of our 100th episode (WHAATTTTT!!!), The Husband (AKA Noah) is interviewing me this week. 99 episodes of editing this podcast has given him a lot of ideas of what he'd LIKE to hear me talk about! In the first half of this interview, we discuss newlywed cooking meltdowns, a devastating loss during shana rishona, the challenge of aliya, and how our marriage has transformed over the years. 

Happy Chanukah everyone!

Rabbi Tatz Marriage shiur on SimpletoRemember.com (part 1)

Rabbi Tatz Marriage shiur on SimpletoRemember.com (part 2)

Rabbi Orlofsky: Eretz Yisrael and the Geulah

As we wrap up 2020 I wanted to share a simple tool that can have a profound impact on how you experience your marriage: the Marriage Check-In.

Now, there are ways in which just generally thinking about our marriages can actually lead us unintentionally into negativity and worry.

A structured process allows us to guide our brains to help us to think creatively and proactively so we find answers that will give us the biggest real-life benefit.

To get the PDF, go to www.FirstYearMarried.com and join the email list. You'll get it in your inbox!

Enjoy!

Kayla

Wife, mom of five, and... Olympic marathon candidate?! 

Beatie is going to blow your mind with her story about how she took up running to get herself back to being active and ended up as a professional runner for Israel and a candidate for the Tokyo Olympics.

Not only is her journey incredible, but she speaks from such a real place about the struggle of taking care of yourself, especially while growing a family, and the value of exercise for each person--marathon runner or not!

She is such an amazing example of tuning into what feeds her deeply and making space for it in her life. And look where that took her!

So whether you're looking for general inspiration for self care or to rethink your approach to exercise, make sure you check out this episode.

You can find Beatie on Instagram @marathonmother and Facebook 

And don't forget to subscribe to this podcast so you can catch each new episode!

Enjoy!

(Heads up: I'm calling this one a #Jewsode because it is PARTICULARLY specific to the religious Jewish world. All are welcome to listen and apply as you like, of course, but since the content is inherently about Jewish life, this episode may be less generally applicable than usual.)

I've had several requests, especially during COVID, to talk about husbands who are skipping minyan (prayers), not going to shul or praying at all, or otherwise not doing what you expected in the spiritual realm.

In this episode, I'm taking you through a simple exercise to help you identify why you're feeling triggered by his behavior and get some space so you aren't so reactive. So grab some paper :) 

At the end of the episode, I also discuss the concept of a woman's olam haba being tied up in her husband's learning and how to not let that idea make you go totally bonkers when he slacks off, and also how to pursue your values in a way that's truly effective and doesn't generate all this stress and anxiety.

** My husband pointed out that I didn't translate all the words! So here's your glossary (and some helpful articles) if you need it.

minyan - prayer quorum

daven - pray 

olam haba - the world to come

Shacharis (or Shacharit) - morning prayer

The Business Trip Phenomenon: when your husband goes away and suddenly you are SUPER functional and do so much better than when he was home--WHY is that? Why can't you manage when he's around? And then, instead of him coming home and seeing how great you're doing, you totally fall apart. Has this ever happened to you?

Listen this week to hear why this happens and what you can do to have a smoother reunion after his trips, and what you can keep from the magical wonder-woman energy from when he was away (and what you shouldn't expect to carry over into your day-to-day life.)

Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at kaylalevin.com/coaching

On the two year anniversary of my "diaversary" - the date of my type 1 diabetes diagnosis - I wanted to talk about how we use thought work when we can't improve a situation.

We focus a lot on what we can change--SO MUCH more is in our power than we realize.

But sometimes it's not in our control. What do we do with that? 

www.firstyearmarried.com

Don't miss Part 2 of my interview with Alison Armstrong!

Here are a few gems she shares:

• Your husband ACCEPTS YOU FULLY (and what that actually mean)
• Your husband manages his energy and motivation differently than you do.
• How men change throughout their development, and how we change, too (but differently)
• How to communicate with your husband so that he'll WANT to help

LEARN MORE:

Alison Armstrong's programs can be found at her website UnderstandMen.com

I strongly recommend her two books, Keys to the Kingdom and The Queen's Code

Alison refers to our natural time schedules and the website thepowerofwhenquiz.com

Learn more about coaching with Kayla at FirstYearMarried.com (not just for newlyweds!)

To hear my previous interview with Alison, listen to Episodes 50 and Episode 51

WHOOPEE! One of my absolute favorite humans, teachers, thought leaders, the marvelous Alison Armstrong, is back on the podcast this week!! 

We talked about what newlyweds come up against--the frustrations and struggles--and how they reappear at each stage along the line.

Mainly, you'll learn about expectations: how they change when we get married (for ourselves and for our partners) and how we often realize they're there a little too late.

I know you'll enjoy this episode so much!

LEARN MORE: 

Alison Armstrong's programs can be found at her website UnderstandMen.com

I strongly recommend her two books, Keys to the Kingdom and The Queen's Code 

Learn more about Kayla's upcoming Mastermind Group Program and 1:1 Coaching at FirstYearMarried.com (not just for newlyweds!)

To hear my previous interview with Alison, listen to Episodes 50 and Episode 51

Hi friends! I wasn't planning to post my Zoom conversation with Ilana last week onto the podcast, but it was just so darn good that I had to! Enjoy the inspiration from Ilana Kendal who will teach you on this episode about how to use storytelling to channel personal growth, plus you'll get a peek into our very first FYM book club book. It's fun, we had fun, and I'm excited to share it with you. 

We'll be having Ilana back on in early December to answer your questions about the book, and I'll be sharing my thoughts as I work my way through her book. 

You can buy Choosing Up! from www.mosaicapress.com with the code FYM10 for 10% off

Or find the book on Amazon 

In this episode I'm sharing my somewhat unusual take on new year's resolutions.

Whether you celebrate now or in January (or heck whenever you feel like it), this episode will help you think about your goals in a way that will be more compelling and more sustainable than the goals you've tried before.

Join the mailing list at www.firstyearmarried.com

Or you can apply here for 1:1 coaching

This week we're diving into the idea of your relationship with Others--this can be the closer relationships like parents, siblings, and in-laws, or more distant relationships like coworkers or neighbors.

We usually run a paradox in our minds: "I wish you were less like you" and "I want us to have an authentic relationship."

But an authentic relationship means we accept the other person AS THEY ARE. 

Your brain wants to believe that if they changed you'd feel better. But the reality is, if you stopped resisting them as they are, you would IMMEDIATELY feel better. 

Crazy, no?

So join us this week as we talk about dropping the resistance, allowing ourselves to stop trying to please everyone else and show up in an authentic way, 

So many times, we go outside of ourselves for answers that are ours to decide.

We ask, "how is my relationship doing?" and then wait, looking for clues to tell us.

But if a relationship is, at its essence, just the thoughts you have about a person and your connection...

Then you're the one who gets to pick how it's doing.

What do you want to choose to think on purpose about your marriage?

This week I'll walk you through this exercise.

Your relationship with yourself is nothing more than the sum total of your thoughts about yourself.

It’s not more profound. ⁠

It’s not more literal.⁠

And, despite popular belief, finding out WHY you have negative opinions of yourself is not always necessary. In fact, it can be counterproductive when this “research” into our thinking inadvertently reinforces the opinion.⁠

Wanna know the good news?⁠

If it's all about your thoughts, you can change them.⁠

⁠Listen this week to find out how.

Other episodes on this topic:

First Year Married: Shame Won't Make You a Better Wife

The Life Coach School Podcast

LADIES I have such a treat for you this week! This conversation is such a total shift from what we normally talk about and SO IMPORTANT! I often get questions from women about how being tired/pregnant/sick/hormonal fits into thought work. This conversation, with occupational therapist/homeschooling supermom Chava Neiditch goes deep into our own individual profiles of what we need to stay regulated, balanced, and centered and how we all vary so much from one another. This is a fabulous episode if you're a parent but a must listen if you're a human being. Enjoy!

Last week we covered everything pre-and-during pregnancy. On this week's episode, Lauren Ohayon is answering questions about post-partum recovery and what myths we need to break about our bodies and what fitness is all about to take the best care of our bodies and ourselves. 

Sources from this episode:
Restore Your Core
One Strong Mama
@thelaurenohayon on Instagram

This week we're taking a deep dive into BOUNDARIES. What does it really mean to "have no boundaries" and what do we do with those people in our lives who make us crazy because they don't respect our boundaries? How do we set a boundary and, most importantly, what if our own boundaries need some work?

Referenced in this episode: Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody

This week I'm so excited to bring you Lauren Ohayon of the popular Restore Your Core and One Strong Mama programs. Lauren is a body expert who guides her clients to prepare for healthy births and recovery. I asked Lauren to come on and share with us, since I've had so many questions about preparing for and recovering from a first pregnancy. Whatever type of birth you are aiming for, I just love how Lauren describes how the body works and functions in a way that is totally understandable and holistic.

We morphed from interview to conversation, but I think you'll really enjoy eavesdropping on that so I included our conversation on our brain's power over our bodies (so if pregnancy isn't on your radar you may want to skip ahead to about 2/3 through the episode to hear this).

Sources from this episode:
Restore Your Core
One Strong Mama
@thelaurenohayon on Instagram

We talk a lot about the challenges that can come up with connecting to your spouse, especially as a newlywed. However, for some of us, the initial stressors of married life come from external factors. Bari Mitzmann came on this week to share her story about her first year of marriage and the health struggles she dealt with right as they were getting married. Bari is a great example of someone who embraces the “do-over.”

Bio: Bari Mitzmann is a wife, mother and content creator living in Nevada. Her content on her Instagram @barianna and the Woman of Valor Podcast is geared toward finding meaning and inspiration in every day as well as breaking stigmas tied toward mental and chronic illness.

Sources:

Instagram: @barianna

Website: https://barianna.com

Podcast: Woman of Valor

This week I have Krystal Conner on to talk to us about self care. Krystal takes what can sometimes seem like an undefined, unattainable idea and makes it super clear and actionable. I loved this conversation and I know you will, too!

Website: https://www.krystalconner.com/

Instagram: @drkrystalconner

Professional organizer/stylist Shira Gill talks about how to hack the thinking of a tidy person, what simple system she uses with all her clients to go from overwhelming mess to styled space, and how she and her husband communicate about their different tidiness-styles.  This episode is PACKED with tips and amazing ideas. Enjoy!

Follow Shira:

www.ShiraGill.com

instagram.com/shiragill

Today I'm excited to bring you a conversation with Shevi Samet, a Jewish educator who, among other things specializes in working with women before and after marriage. 

We're going super meta here today, talking about true meaning of marriage (we discuss this from the perspective of Torah concepts but feel free to use this as a springboard for your own belief work).

We also dove into why we get married, the social and individual concepts that drive us that we sometimes aren’t even aware of, the difference between love and commitment, and some bizarre and yet very helpful metaphors about parenting and marriage. 

Most importantly, make sure you listen to the end when Shevi explains where love and giving fit into a marriage and how neither have anything to do with selflessness. 

You can find Shevi at @itsalearninglife on Instagram or by email at sametshevi at gmail.com 

In the second half of my interview with Jamie Geller, we moved beyond cooking to some other major areas where she's been an inspiration to those around her.

As the head of the largest kosher food network, Jamie Geller has a lot to teach us about entrepreneurship. In this episode, she shares a bit about her background as a successful producer at HBO and the transition to building her own business. She also gives some really practical advice for those of us who are launching our own businesses.

I also asked Jamie to talk about her family's decision to make aliyah. What was the inspiration? what were the challenges? Jamie was extremely candid about her inspiration but also her resistance to the move, and what it's really like to pick up your whole family and move across the world.

Finally, we chatted about our great big cooking failures as newlyweds (and how our husbands helped us repackage the remains!).

Enjoy!

---------------

Sources from this episode:

JamieGeller.com

Jewlish on Instagram

Jewlish on Facebook

WE GOT JAMIE GELLER!!!

Can you tell I'm excited?! 

Jamie Geller, today the head of the largest kosher network in the world, has been an inspiration to me from the time I was a newlywed and stumbled upon her first cookbook, Quick and Kosher. Reading about her transition from successful single professional to what-am-I-supposed-to-do-with-this-oven made me feel so validated in my total lack of kitchen know-how. 

In this first half of our interview, Jamie opens up about her own newlywed transition, foods her audience loves the most, and how to make the never-ending chore of cooking something you can actually enjoy (actually, I was really surprised by her answer!).

Whether you keep kosher or not, Jamie is such an inspiration and I know you're going to gain a lot from this interview.

Enjoy!

Sources from this episode:

JamieGeller.com

Jewlish on Instagram

Jewlish on Facebook

Make sure you've subscribed to hear part 2 of the episode, plus more amazing guests in our summer #whosyourguru podcast series!

Last week we talked about finding your inner guru, the voice of calm that you can call upon when your brain feels like it’s spinning out of control.

This week I want to introduce you to the idea of finding an external guru.

The concept is simple. Find an area where you struggle, whether practically or emotionally. And instead of troubleshooting, look for the person for whom this is natural, satisfying, even... dare I say it... fun?

Actually, you don't need to go looking, because this summer I will be interviewing one powerful woman each week to be our guru in all the areas I hear most from you that you are struggling with. Whaaat!!! This is going to be so. much. fun.

Make sure you subscribe so you don't miss a single episode! We have some AMAZING interviews lined up!

https://firstyearmarried.com/ep-79-find-a-guru-and-summer-series-announcement/

In this week’s episode, I’m going to teach you a fun, easy tool that you can use to access the “wise” part of your brain when your thoughts feel out of control.

When we get caught up in anxiety, insecurity, resentment, or other strong emotions, especially if we are also newly-married and those emotions can be super intense, it can feel like our thoughts are spinning out of control. We get caught up in playing out every scenario, every conversation, every imaginary argument, and it feels productive but the truth is it gets us nowhere.

To recenter ourselves, to get back to a place where our thoughts can serve us and help us to get to a more balanced place, we need another “voice” that is distinct from the one spinning out of control.

So on this episode, I’ll teach you how to access your inner guru and play out some fun scenarios of what that could look like.

Want to take this work further and join a community of women committed to enjoying the newlywed season and growing as they do it? Check us out at www.firstyearmarried.com/course

See more episodes at www.firstyearmarried.com/podcast

The best thing about working on your marriage is that you get exposed to patterns of thinking that have existed for years--maybe even your entire life--and never really surfaced until it affects you in this relationship. 

What looks like a big problem is actually an amazing opportunity to improve your own self-mastery in a way you never could before.

Anxiety and resentment both come from an essential judgement, either of ourselves or of another person. With many newlyweds, these emotions seem negative and sometimes even scary--because we make it mean that we can’t have a good marriage if we’re feeling bad emotions. 

I often find that identifying the emotion of resentment can be tricky when we’ve spent our lives believing that there are “resentful people” and the rest of us.

But gaining awareness is the critical first step towards gaining traction. These emotions aren’t dangerous and you’re for sure not alone. Check out the episode to get some tips on dealing with these feelings in your marriage.

What You’ll Learn In This Episode:

• What drives anxiety and resentment
• Why we often mislabel them
• How to identify them more accurately, and why that’s important
• Why neither of these are a problem for your marriage
• What to be wary about when learning from a marriage educator or coach

When you’re ready to take this work deeper, join us in the First Year Married Online community.

This week, we're all (myself included!), listening to a replay of "Your Relationship with Yourself" - episode 89. Enjoy!

In this replay episode, I emphasize the importance of having a positive relationship with oneself, focusing on understanding the mechanics of developing that relationship, the concept of thought work, and its relevance to relationships.

I will cover the first of three fundamentals of thought work in the context of relationships: one's relationship with oneself, one's relationship with their spouse, and one's relationship with others.

Just like what ends up in our garage, our brains can contain various thoughts, including ones we intentionally put there, ones we struggle with, and ones we unknowingly adopted from others. I want to challenge the misguided notion that holding on to negative thoughts (or a really tall cabinet) will lead to growth.

Sometimes we get so caught up in "fixing" things that we lose sight of what we are actually aiming for.

But what does marriage look like with *true* connection?

What can we achieve when we allow ourselves to drop our agenda and truly experience our spouse?

Disney may have given us one image of what "Happily Ever After" looks like.

Design your own dream.

Let's aim high.

In this week's episode, we're diving into what happens in your brain when someone gives you a compliment and why never manages to improve our self image in the long term.

It's a brain-nerdy one, so I know you'll love it :) 

Think about who you could be when you could generate your OWN confidence and self-esteem, whenever you need it.

I'm going to tell you how.

First Year Married Online Course

First Year Married on Instagram

What do you get when you put two marriage coaches on a Zoom call? A fun, loving deep dive into the world of making marriages better. 

Maggie Reyes recently came out with a (now best-selling) book, Questions for Couples Journal and I thought this was the perfect chance to invite Maggie on to share with the FYM audience! I get so many questions about how to make date nights more meaningful and what books I recommend. I also love this book as an idea for couples who aren't going out on traditional dates--whether due to COVID or newlywed finances.

We covered a lot of ground in this episode--well beyond just the book--and I know you'll get a lot out of it.

Find out more about Maggie Reyes at MaggieReyes.com

Follow First Year Married on Instagram @firstyearmarried

Sign up for the First Year Married online course at FirstYearMarried.com/Course

It amazes me how much more comfortable we are talking about working on our parenting, but nobody wants to mention that they're working on their marriage.

Somehow, we can grow in parenting and it's noble, but if we need to grow in our marriage, it speaks of some deep failure in us.

But let's take a step back and consider...

What is actually going to make the biggest impact on your child's life? Another class, or a healthy and happy home?

In addition--not that we need anything beyond that--the meta-skills you learn in your marriage all translate to your parenting.

Self-awareness.

Self-control.

Self-compassion.

Realizing that no, your child is NOT actually the problem and yes, you CAN experience this differently.

And knowing how to do that.

Understanding how to step out of our experience and biases and see from another's perspective.

Modeling that negative emotions are not dangerous and we can handle some discomfort.

Count me in on that parenting class.

It starts with your marriage.

Join us at firstyearmarried.com/course

Whether it's you or your husband, because of COVID-19 or you simply haven't landed the right job yet, unemployment can cause huge stress--particularly for newlyweds. 

In this episode, I'm diving into some of the neuroscience that explains why our reaction might be more intense than logic dictates, what to do about it, and how to use this (or any) challenge as a way of building and supporting your new marriage.

I'm also sharing our personal journey as unemployed newlyweds, and why I wouldn't take that experience back for the world.

Learn more: www.firstyearmarried.com/course

Source: The Female Brain by Dr. Louann Brizendine

Are there some things you just shouldn't think in a marriage?

What does it mean if I'm annoyed by my husband?

Do happy couples ever think like this?

This week we're going to dive into something that's been coming up a lot in my coaching-- worry and panic and fear about certain thoughts. Put another way, your thoughts ABOUT your thoughts are causing more trouble than the thoughts themselves!

How do we address this?

Can Kayla manage to describe this without a visual aid?

You'll have to listen to find out ;) 

New here?  Check out the free video at FirstYearMarried.com to get the full foundation for everything I talk about on this podcast.

It's been a crazy few weeks for us all! I'm sorry I haven't been here in a little bit but I needed to step back for a few weeks. Hopefully you had a chance to catch up on some older episodes during the break. ;) 

There's no possible way for a podcast episode to address the range of experiences and emotions that COVID-19 is bringing up for us. For some, it's the frustration of being stuck inside, needing our normal outlets, missing our friends and support systems. For others, it's the devastation of losing loved ones or anxiety about high-risk friends and family (or ourselves).

So instead of addressing this whole gamut of experiences, I wanted to give you one clear tool you can focus on. I find this personally to be very grounding when life feels out of control so I hope it will be valuable to you, as well.

This episode is about my love of using lists, and how lists pick up where scheduling can leave off.

Much of what I learned about lists and routines I learned as a newlywed from Marla Cilley, the Flylady.

Enjoy!

In this week’s podcast, I’m answering questions that have come in about being irritated with a husband who is wasting his time during lockdown. This is a pretty common challenge (a LOT of you commented on this one!) so know you’re not alone--but I wanted to share a few ideas to help you understand this differently and hopefully experience less frustration.

1. He seems like an extension of us when we want to get things done. Now I have four hands! But… he’s not. He does actually get to decide how to spend his time. I find the easiest approach here is to catch yourself and laugh at it.
   
2. Just because you’re going through the same experience doesn’t mean you’re experiencing it the same. This whole coronavirus experience, even though for many of us it doesn’t require a lot of physical energy, it can be very draining. So he may be vegging out. And the truth is… maybe it ISN’T the most helpful way for him to process his stress or anxiety, but... you get that, right? Sometimes we reach for chocolate when we probably should go for a run.
   
3. It seems to me that on a meta level, we are being forced into appreciating the feminine. Male brains, due to testosterone, are wired for accomplishment and scoring points. Women’s brains are wired for emotions and communication. And we both have both, but right now practically ALL we have is the relationships and communication. Most of our externals are the same. And what most of us raised in the West have gotten is that our value comes from how much we accomplish, but that’s an inherently masculine approach. What if we’re wrong about that? Or what if it’s not right or wrong and this is an opportunity to see that value for what it is--an arbitrary value? What does it mean just to be?

* Coronavirus Update: After hearing from several of you, Noah and I talked extensively about how to best support you all during this situation. We've decided to make a temporary pay-what-you-can pricing on the First Year Married online course. Please share with your friends and let's support each other as much as we can. This doesn't have to be hard on your marriage--it could actually be amazing. www.FirstYearMarried.com/course gets you to the signup page.

Let's talk about surviving this whole COVID-19 situation as a newlywed. Schedules are out the window, your normal bucket-fillers like social time or work or the gym are non-options, and the stress may be running very high. So we're going to talk about what we can do to make the most of this situation.

First, of course, we gotta look at thoughts. How do we manage our minds so we don’t go insane or start to hate our husbands?

Second, (you won't be so surprised) we'll talk about hacks. Science and psychology based hacks are easy ways to improve your quality of life with a minimum of effort.

I'm also going to be talking a bit about getting ready for Pesach/Passover at the end, for those of you who celebrate.

So let's start by taking a look inside your head. How are you thinking about this whole thing? Coronavirus, being home probably, still newly married...

For a lot of you I'm talking to, the thought sounds something like this: “this is all very bad.” It's a pretty vague and generic thought, actually, but it's plenty strong enough to stir up some anxiety, overwhelm...

What if you were wrong about that?

What if this whole Coronavirus situation could actually be really good for you? For your new marriage?

Actually, this could be a fantastic opportunity for growth for you.

You are in the major leagues now. You've been listening to this podcast, reading books, working on your relationship... now's the time to put all that to work. Now's the time for some major self-awareness, some fantastic growth potential.

What are you feeling and where is it coming from? And how are you a little wrong? How is the opposite also true?

Take some time to get some awareness. If you're feeling off-kilter or overwhelmed or stressed, or you just got to the bottom of the container of Oreos and nobody helped you...

Great time to take a look inside your brain.

Ok so now for some hacks:

1. News restriction. When do you want to check? Take a day on. Take a day off. You could even ask your husband to keep you updated and just turn it all off. How many different places are you getting your news from? Twitter and WhatsApp and TV? Pick one. Narrow it down. The news is designed to suck you in. Put up some guardrails so you can maintain some mental space for yourself.

Technology/social media restriction. ebook or book? Go for the physical book if you can. We are much more on our screens than usual. What can you do that’s tech-free, even if for only a few minutes a day? If you can still go for a walk, can you leave your phone at home? Or just make some boundaries--leave the phone out of the bedroom and dining area, for instance.

More phone calls. There’s a hierarchy of meaningful communication, according to humanetech.com. Actual live phone/video calls are best, so try to make at least one a day. After that, voice messages are better than text, and using emojis actually improves the connection quotient of a text message. Group messaging, which isn’t really personal, gives the feeling of socializing but doesn’t pack the same punch. So call your bestie.

Read the full episode notes on the podcast page at www.FirstYearMarried.com

Hey there! In this podcast episode, I want to talk to you about why it's so important to keep your phone out of the bedroom, especially when it comes to maintaining a healthy marriage. Now, I know that there's no one-size-fits-all approach to marriage advice, but I truly believe that every couple should design their own marriage and create a relationship that works for them.

In this episode, I explain that getting your phone out of the bedroom is a crucial step in maintaining your mental health and building intimacy with your partner. With social media and constant communication, it's easy to feel overwhelmed and anxious, which can disrupt your sleep and make it difficult to build strong relationships.

I also discuss the challenges of giving up your phone as an alarm clock, but emphasize the importance of making conscious decisions about the values you prioritize in your marriage. Ultimately, I hope this episode helps you take a step towards a healthier, happier, and more intimate marriage.

As noted in the episode, you can join How to Glow here: kaylalevin.com/coaching

Many of you have listened to and adopted Zero Based Scheduling (from Episode 2: Why You Don't Have Enough Time and Episode 6: Zero Based Scheduling Update). But now, thanks to work-from-homes, school closures and, for some of you, kids at home (gasp!) that beautiful zero-based schedule has gone right out the window.

Never fear!

Zero-Based scheduling can be done on the fly. And it's still awesome. Planning out your day the night before (and I give you the main tips on how to do this successfully) will transform the following day.

PS

If you and hubs are about ready to kill each other in lockdown, go NOW and check out the free video at firstyearmarried.com and give yourself a mental breather! 

We are celebrating a holiday in the Jewish world... one that isn't quite as famous as Yom Kippur or Passover... today is Purim!

What happens on Purim? Among many other things, like donating money to charity, hearing the story of Purim read in synagogue, dressing up and bringing gifts to friends… men drink. Sometimes women drink, too, but generally it’s the men. And with that often comes behaviors that make us uncomfortable, nervous, critical...

And this can make some women really uncomfortable. But guess what, it’s not Purim’s fault, because we have similar situations coming in from non Jewish listeners, too!

"He doesn’t know how to be around my family."

"He blew it at work."

"He’s so embarrassing when he fights with my friends."

There are two pieces to this that we have to get clear on. 

1. Identification -- we have  a primal instinct to want to be accepted into the team or the tribe. Once you know that, you can start to settle that very anxious part of your brain that thinks this is all going to kill you.

2. Judgement -- wait, me? No way! Yep, call it like it is, my friend. Start to notice when you're in judgement. Be honest with yourself, so that you can start to learn when and how to move out of judgement.

Check out the podcast for the how-to on working through these two issues.

Happy Purim for those celebrating!

This week I’m answering a listener question and I think it’s a topic that will be so fun to dive into. Let me start by reading what she wrote:

Could you discuss “the importance of self-esteem: how both poor and healthy self-esteem can influence our relationships, and how to strengthen it. I realise that this is absolutely a backbone of all your material, but maybe it's worth revisiting a basic.”

Self-esteem is definitely a hot topic, and it’s one of those things that we talk about so much that we actually can lose touch with SPECIFICALLY what it means.

So let’s start by defining our terms.

Miriam-Webster defines self-esteem as: “a confidence and satisfaction in oneself : SELF-RESPECT”

So essentially, self-esteem is nothing but the thoughts we have about ourselves.

But that’s not how we talk about self-esteem. The way we talk about self-esteem, if someone didn’t have a clue what it was, it sounds more like a physical condition you have or don’t have. She doesn’t have self-esteem. That will hurt her self-esteem.

And since we discuss self-esteem in this way so consistently, we start to act like it’s a physical thing we can control and grow and hurt and effect.

Not a series of thoughts.

We all have the thoughts we go back to the most. The way our brain is wired, the more we think a thought the easier and more automatic it becomes to think it --or sometimes a specific major event will just give us one really deeply embedded thought right away.

And the reason I want to break it down for you is this:

If I think I need to work on my self-esteem, or I think I don’t have good self-esteem, those are also thoughts. And neither one is terribly empowering.

So I want to offer to you that self-esteem isn’t really a thing. It’s not. You can’t touch it or measure it. No two people will exactly agree on it. It’s totally subjective. Can you see that?

And when you don’t have a thing called “self-esteem” that is causing you to act a certain way or that you need to work on or that he has a problem with (I’ve coached on all of those, multiple times), what are you left with?

What you’re left with is a question: why did I act that way?

And it always comes back to a thought.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

I don’t know how to be married.

I’m no good at this.
I can’t learn.

The commuter train you always took before you hop on without even noticing.

The train that goes downtown to the dangerous neighborhood you let fly by.

And you can just sit in the station and watch them all go by.

I’m more interested in the person you can be than how accurately you’ve described all your shortcomings.

I still have negative thoughts about myself. But I just don’t spend so much time there unless I feel I need to do some major soul searching. Which sometimes I do. And I make changes.

So the most motivating thing, I think, is to remember: how do I want to show up?

How do you want to show up in your marriage?

Are you willing to skip some of your comfortable, recognizable trains to get there?

Are you able to focus on HIM and what you’re BUILDING and not on you?

Stop riding those trains. Let them get old and rusty.

Get clear on where you want to go. Then you’ll have a better idea of how to get there.

To take this work deeper and learn the critical research that will help you understand and support your husband and your marriage better, check out the First Year Married course at www.firstyearmarried.com. Join in March and be part of our March challenge!

In this week's episode, inspired by my husband's recent business trip, I lead you through an exercise to re-evaluate your self-care.

Many women drop their self-care (especially the most basic things, like sleeping and eating) when we get married or get into a long-term relationship.

These are all areas that we generally took responsibility for (even if we were lagging, we certainly weren't blaming our roommates or siblings because we didn't remember to eat breakfast!). And it's more than physical self care, too; it's also about the variety of relationships we fostered and needed. We need someone for advice but we don't expect that person to also give us a laugh or an exciting time out and also to provide our romantic needs and be a listening, supportive ear at the end of the day... etc., etc., 

And yet when we get married, we often expect our marriage relationship to provide what ALL those individual relationships provided. Which is an unhealthy and unfair expectation.

I thought I'd mastered this, but then when my husband told me he was going to be going on a business trip, I immediately realized there were a few things I needed to do if I wasn't going to have him to fall back on. Wait a second--why am I PLANNING to fall back on him in the first place? Why not taking care of myself in the first place??

So here are three ways to reevaluate your self-care regimen.

1. Imagine your husband is going to be going away for a week. What are the three things you'd for sure need to do to make sure your physical needs are taken care of? (Even if you usually do these things but they are now moving up to "nonnegotiable"--listen to the episode for my example about showers.)

2. What things would you "get" to do with some time and energy freed up that you may be holding in reserve for your husband? Did you imagine a coffee date with a friend or a paint night? How can you schedule that in now?

3. Imagine your husband is away -- what would you miss? What would be sad about that? And then you can take those things and celebrate all these wonderful elements he provides for your marriage! We always need to encourage our minds to be more positive and notice the positive, because they aren't naturally inclined to do so. What are three little things you'd be sad about if he was away?

Interested in learning more? The first lesson in the First Year Married Online Course is available for free at www.firstyearmarried.com

Enjoy!