Explore every episode of the podcast Gateway Spiritualism

At some point, just staying with that presence didn’t feel like enough anymore.

Not because something was missing. But because something in me wanted to respond more directly.

Up until then, my engagement had been quiet—a kind of turning toward it. A recognition. A felt response.

But this was different.

In this episode, I explore the moment that relationship began to shift again—when it started to feel like there was something to say. Not in the usual way I talked to myself, but as if I was speaking from within that connection itself.

What happened wasn’t about finding the right words… but about where those words were coming from.

And that changed everything—from simply feeling the connection… to actively participating in it.

Once I began to sense that this presence was already there—and already responding—something in me started to lean toward it.

Not out of effort. But out of recognition.

At first, it was inconsistent. I would feel it… respond to it… and then lose it again—pulled back into the same reactions, the same urgency to fix what I was feeling.

But something had changed.

Even when I lost it, I knew there was somewhere I could return to—not a place, but a way of relating.

In this episode, I explore what happened as I began returning to that connection again and again… and how, over time, it became something I could stay with—not just in difficult moments, but in the ordinary ones too.

At first, it felt like I was the one doing something new.

Turning toward that presence. Engaging it. Noticing that something shifted when I did.

But I still thought of it as my action.

Something I was choosing.

Until something changed.

In this episode, I explore the moment when that experience stopped feeling one-sided—when it began to feel like something was responding back. Not as a dramatic event, but as a subtle, undeniable shift in how I felt in my body.

And with that… my focus began to change.

Less about fixing my circumstances. More about the emotional state I was living in.

This was the first time I didn’t try to fix myself.I noticed something else was there — a presence — and instead of changing the feeling, I engaged it.That changed everything.

As I began noticing a presence that didn’t come from effort… I tried to understand how it fit with everything I had learned from Joe Dispenza and Pema Chödrön.

But what I was experiencing didn’t match either approach.

I wasn’t trying to change anything. I wasn’t trying to accept anything.

And yet… something was shifting.

That’s when I started to wonder:

What if the change wasn’t coming from the technique… but from something the technique was engaging — without ever naming it?

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In this episode, something begins to shift in a way I didn’t expect. After stepping out of effort, I start to notice that the experience I’ve been trying to change… isn’t happening alone.

There’s the anxiety. The patterns. The familiar weight.

But there’s also something else.

Not reacting. Not trying to fix anything. Just… aware.

And the more I notice it, the more I begin to wonder: What if this presence is what I had been missing all along?

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At some point, I began to see that all of my effort had something in common.

Every approach I had used assumed that what I was feeling needed to be fixed, removed, or escaped.

But when that effort stopped working… a different question appeared.

Not “How do I change this?” but “What if I’ve been relating to this the wrong way?”

This episode explores what remains when the attempt to get out of what you feel comes to an end.

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The harder I tried to change how I felt… the more I stayed in the same place.

And that’s when I began to question something deeper— whether effort itself was keeping me stuck.

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I was stuck in depression— repeating the same thoughts, the same memories, the same feelings in my body.

I tried to change it… but nothing changed.

That’s when I began to see something I hadn’t seen before.

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I thought I was doing the right thing. I took responsibility for what had happened in my life.

But what I didn’t see… was how quickly responsibility turns into self-judgment.

And how easily you can get stuck there.

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This is where Gateway Spiritualism begins.

For years, I believed that if you worked on yourself honestly… your life would eventually reflect that.

And when mine didn’t — I assumed I had failed.

In this first episode, I share the moment that belief started to break… and what I began to see instead.

Not another way to fix yourself. But a different kind of relationship with what’s happening inside you.

If something in you senses there’s more to this… you’re in the right place.

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