Flying Free – Details, episodes & analysis

Have you ever gotten a toxic text from a friend, a family member—maybe your spouse? The women in our Flying Free Kaleidoscope have the opportunity to post the toxic texts they receive so that we can help them process, and I came across one I just couldn’t wrap my brain around, it was so incredibly full of toxicity and falsities. 

So today’s episode is breaking down this particular abusive text that one of my members received, and honestly, it can actually be quite interesting once you get the hang of it. Come parse through this toxic texter's false beliefs and see how I would respond if I were the one getting this text. 

Read the show notes and/or ask Natalie a question here

Related Resources:

• Read one of my favorite books, Forgiveness After Trauma, and listen in on an interview I did with the author, Susannah Griffith. 
• Check out the article I mentioned by Christy Hemphill, “How Things Go Wrong with Metaphorical Reasoning in Ephesians 5.”
• Are you wondering what is happening inside your own painful and confusing marriage? I wrote another book just for you called Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage: A Christian Woman’s Guide to Hidden Emotional and Spiritual Abuse. 
• My newest book, All the Scary Little Gods, is a spiritual memoir about healing from religious trauma and toxic programming. 
• Flying Free is my private online education community designed for Christian women in emotionally abusive marriages. Whether you want to stay in your marriage or leave, we want to equip and support you through this community.
• Flying Higher is our educational community for divorced Christian women. 

Have you ever wondered, “Am I really being emotionally abused? Is it considered emotional abuse if my spouse is lying to me? Gaslighting me? Ignoring me? What are the kinds of mistreatments we can actually call ABUSE? 

My friend, this is a question I’ve been answering for other women for almost a decade now. This is my my life’s work. My passion. Let me help guide you just a little bit in today’s episode as we do a deep-dive on emotional abuse: what it is, how it destroys lives, and what we can do about it.

Read the show notes and/or ask Natalie a question here

• Are you wondering what is happening inside your own painful and confusing marriage? I wrote a book just for you called Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage: A Christian Woman’s Guide to Hidden Emotional and Spiritual Abuse. 
• My newest book, All the Scary Little Gods, is a spiritual memoir about healing from religious trauma and toxic programming. 
• Flying Free is my online membership program designed for Christian women in emotionally abusive marriages. Whether you want to stay in your marriage or leave, we want to equip and support you through this program.
• Flying Higher is my online membership program for divorced Christian women. Come rebuild your life after divorce with women just like you. 

“Does God really hate divorce? And why haven’t my years of praying brought any fruit?” 

Abuse survivors ask me these two questions regularly, and today, I’m going to use Malachi 2:16 as well as a chapter from my newest book, All the Scary Little Gods, to answer them both. Beautiful butterfly, I pray this episode is an encouragement to you as you wrestle with these important topics.

Read the show notes and/or ask Natalie a question here

Related Resources:

• Links to resources about the idea that God hates divorce
• My newest book, All the Scary Little Gods, is a spiritual memoir about healing from religious trauma and toxic programming. 
• Are you wondering what is happening inside your own painful and confusing marriage? I wrote another book just for you called Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage: A Christian Woman’s Guide to Hidden Emotional and Spiritual Abuse. 
• Flying Free is my online membership program designed for Christian women in emotionally abusive marriages. Whether you want to stay in your marriage or leave, we want to equip and support you through this program.
• Flying Higher is my online membership program for divorced Christian women. Come rebuild your life after divorce with women just like you. 

“You don’t know God,” the elder leaned forward and said to me. He knew I was preparing to divorce my emotionally abusive husband.

My body began to tremble. My voice shook. 

I realized later that he was right. His god was vindictive and cruel, like a mythological Zeus. 

The God I know — deeply, intimately, since I was a child — is gentle and kind and leads me away from fear and control.

That was the first church meeting I ever walked out of. And the last one I ever had with those elders. 

It’s also when I realized that I could fly free. So can you. 

In this episode with licensed marriage and family therapist Naomi Norton, we discuss:

• 11 dominant fears the Christian community uses to influence (CONTROL) women
• Why being connected to the physical (your body, emotions) is so important
• How to prioritize, process, and honor fear
• What the church usually says about fear (and why their perspective is SO DANGEROUS)
• How being aware of fear (the types, the ways they surface) can HELP US PROTECT ourselves
• Why moving toward fear is often NOT a good or godly response
• The reason you love God but you’re afraid of him (and how to get rid of that fear)
• How to respond to people (often church people) who USE FEAR TO CONTROL US

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

Related Resources:

• Naomi’s Facebook page is like a 5-course banquet for emotional and spiritual abuse survivors. You’ll gobble it up! 
• If you live in or near Kansas City and you’re looking for a therapist, check out Naomi’s website.
• If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com
• I'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-download
• You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com
• And finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Naomi Norton is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She’s been in private practice for eight years. She has a passion for working with marginalized communities and people who’ve suffered religious trauma. Naomi is in the final stages of completing her Ph.D. in family therapy at North Central University. Her dissertation research focuses on the evangelical Christian community’s perspective on mental health.

If marriage is for life, then the only way out is death. Right? 

I’ve been asked that question, or a variation of it, many times. I used to wonder that question myself. 

Marriage IS for life, but not in the way you’ve been told. It’s for the sake of bringing life TO you. And when it’s destroying you instead, THERE IS A WAY OUT. 

But the very Bible verses written to bring protection to abused women and rebuke to abusive men have been twisted and turned on their heads…until the words “for life” are a curse and death seems like the only escape (whether his or yours). 

Allow me to right these warped words and help you fly free from your despair. 

In this episode:

• Why you might reconsider telling church leaders about your husband’s abusive behavior
• The four reasons women consider “telling on” their husbands to church leaders (and the problems with each)
• The four possible responses you can expect when you report your abusive husband’s behavior to church leaders (helping the victim is the rarest)
• Why the “God hates divorce” verse is COMPLETELY WRONG and what it really says
• The 8 things you don’t owe ANYONE (at church or otherwise) when it comes to leaving your marriage
• The only two things you absolutely need to get out of your marriage (and they’re available no matter your circumstances)
• Why wishing your abusive husband were dead doesn’t mean you’re an evil person
• How I went from lying on a bathroom floor wishing for death to flying free, remarried, with a new home, a new family, and an amazing job (and my story isn’t unique among Flying Free and Flying Higher survivors) 

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

I'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-download

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

And finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

“I’m going to be ninety-two next month, and I have waited my entire life for a book like this.” 

A woman said this to Tiffany after she spoke to a Sunday School class about her book, “Gaslighted by God: Reconstructing a Disillusioned Faith.”

Many Christians are told their doubts are a sign they haven’t prayed or fasted enough. That their spiritual frustrations are an indication they’re backsliding. That they just don’t have enough faith.

Do you feel a sense of futility over ever measuring up as a Christian? Ever pleasing God? Ever nailing down the formula for blessing or meeting the mark for making yourself small enough?

Tiffany wrote “Gaslighted by God” to give a voice to the pain of devoted Christians whose faith is cracking under the abuse of legalism, who are desperately clinging to beliefs that are hurting them, and who need to know it’s not their fault.  

In this episode:

• What spiritual anxiety is and how it manifests
• The significance of Tiffany screaming at a church sign
• Why the Christian “answer” for everything is so damaging
• The similarities between a space chimp and shell-shocked WWI veterans and what we experience because of legalistic theology
• How Jesus expanded the definitions of sin to protect the vulnerable, not add a bigger burden
• So much more! 

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

Related Resources:

• Reach out to Tiffany on her website. 
• Read her incredible book, Gaslighted by God. 
• If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com
• I'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-download
• You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com
• And finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Tiffany Yecke Brooks is the lead or contributing writer on more than two dozen books, including multiple New York Times bestsellers. She is the coauthor of Fear Is a Choice: Tackling Life’s Challenges With Dignity, Faith, and Determination (with NFL running back James Conner), Limitless: The Power of Hope and Resilience to Overcome Circumstance (with Paralympic gold-medalist Mallory Weggemann), and the narrative nonfiction historical thriller Espionage and Enslavement in the Revolution: The True Story of Robert Townsend and Elizabeth (with historian Claire Bellerjeau). Her newest book, Gaslighted By God: Reconstructing a Disillusioned Faith was released in May 2022 by Eerdmans. She has also published articles in peer-reviewed journals and the Smithsonian.Tiffany holds a PhD from Florida State University, where her dissertation covered, in part, cultural adaptations of stories from the book of Genesis, and an MA from the University of Bristol in the UK, where her thesis examined cultural influences and literary techniques in the Gospel of Luke. A popular speaker for student groups, faith conferences, and academic lectureships, Tiffany has taught literature and writing at Abilene Christian University, McMurry University, and the University of South Carolina – Beaufort.

How do you feel about accountability? Like it, love it, want some more of it?

Or maybe it’s like medicine to you — icky but necessary.

Hold on to your booty, cause I’ve got an opinion on it too. 

I think it’s a made-up practice that got a “virtue” sticker slapped on it. I think it arrests our development into emotional adulthood. In fact, I’d say accountability does more harm than good. 

And it can never match the power of internal motivation for true, lasting life change.

Christian accountability conditions us to believe:

• We are helpless and foolish
• We don’t have the capacity for self-motivation or self-leadership
• We have to be externally motivated by something outside of ourselves (like pain or the humiliation of confessing our faults/sins/failures)
• We can't make our own decisions
• We have to get guidance from and obey other people (who usually have penises)
• We are flirting with danger if we think independently

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

I'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-download

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

And finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Surprise! Abusers never want the same thing as their victims. Why should divorce be any different?

Shocking! Abusers never want their “property” to start acting like a person and hightail it out of Dodge (“Dodge” being the marriage. Okay, you get it.)

Spoiler alert! You get to make your own decisions because you’re a grown woman. What? Yes, it’s true.

Divorce isn’t a magic toilet that flushes all your worries away. But it’s a wise, viable option for women who are being systematically destroyed by their closest relationship. 

For women who want a divorce from their emotionally abusive husbands, this episode is a reminder of the core things they need to know.

The Rundown:

• When somebody kicks our shin over and over: We LEAVE THE ROOM
• When religious people demand we save a corrupt “marriage”: We CALL BS
• When others say we can’t get divorced: We BREAK OUT THE LAW
• When we are about to take the leap: We MAKE SURE WE’RE SURE
• When we jump off the cliff (and get a divorce): We GET CAUGHT BY A LOVING GOD
• When emotionally and spiritually abused women need help recovering, they get dozens of Butterfly stories and workshops, and 12 courses including “Divorce Basis” and “The 90-Day Escape Plan” in Flying Free

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

I'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-download

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

And finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

Imagine a mother who stares at her baby.. She won’t smile. Won’t look it in the eye. Doesn’t react when it holds its arms out to be held. Refuses to comfort it when it cries. The baby screams and sobs. The mother won’t move. 

Now multiply that cruelty across each thousands of days. Switch the mother for a husband. Change the baby to a wife. 

Other people may throw out the “But does he hit you?” strawman (only extremes, only obvious physical, qualifiable harm counts as abuse). But that baby knows better. You know better. Your desolate heart knows better.

The most devastating hurts don’t show on the outside. 

In this episode:

• The different flavors of abuse vs. the different ways victims react
• Reaction #1: Fighting Back
• Reaction #2: Hiding
• Reaction #3: Freezing
• Reaction #4 Appeasing
• How a still face and a baby show the impact of covert emotional abuse
• Why trying to prevent emotional pain only creates more pain
• Responses that lead to healing, freedom, and peace

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

I'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-download

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

And finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com

“I feel like a massive failure as a Christian and a mom. Like a puppet—and he’s pulling the strings.”

Too many women finally muster up the courage to leave their abusive husbands and face an even more painful betrayal: Their exes turn their own children against them. Lying, manipulating, bribing, even using threats in order to get the kids on their side. 

It’s sickening. And it can feel like there’s no hope, no justice, and no way forward. 

If this is you—wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, no matter how bad things are—I need you to stop and listen to me.

Because I’ve seen terrible cases of parental alienation turn around. I’ve lived it. 

No matter what happens: Your future depends on cutting the strings of your puppeteer. 

In this episode:

• How to start making the most of your rights as a parent (without guilt or fear)
• Why a lack of focus is often the biggest problem (it’s the perfect setup for your ex to succeed at his crappy mind games)
• How to turn the volume of his voice down (and come to trust your own)
• The story of 1-hour a week visitation making all the difference in a restored relationship between a mom and her son
• The danger of believing your ex-husband (remember the term “self-fulfilling prophecy”?)
• Why your ex acts like a quack (because he’s a duck, not a cat)
• A tale as old as time: The ex who is suddenly the sweetest person in the world (grab your BS-vision goggles)

Access the transcript, read the show notes, and/or ask Natalie a question here

If you are a Christian woman who thinks you may be in an emotionally destructive marriage, learn more at https://flyingfreenow.com

I'll send you (free!) the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage, which has an assessment to help you figure out if your relationship is abusive or not. All you have to do is hop on my mailing list at https://flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-download

You can also find out about our online education and support program for women of faith at https://joinflyingfree.com

And finally, if you are a divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, lose weight, have amazing relationships, get things done, build a business or career, and even find a good man (if you want one) - check out Flying Higher at https://joinflyinghigher.com