Explore every episode of the podcast Ficta Inferno

Bella, Jess, and Angela finally make it to Port Angeles. Bella does not believe in the buddy system and almost gets a true crime documentary made about her, and then Edward saves her before taking her out to dinner. No woman can take their eyes off of Edward I guess?

Bella thinks Edward is going to stand her up for their Seattle trip, Angela and Rebecca (insert generic girl name here) invite Bella to help with dress shopping. We’re still surprised Charlie hasn’t asked his own daughter to the dance since EVERYONE ELSE HAS.

We’ve arrived at La Push, unraveling more of the sexism in Meyer’s work as well as hoping Bella actually does fall into the ocean (she does not). Hey Jacob, where ya been loca?!

We’re back in school and everything is super confusing, especially with a certain someone suddenly deciding to be friends with Bella. That and a few forgotten moments come back, genuinely it’s funny.

How do we forget that three people asked Bella to a dance in one day, a dance where she’s supposed to ask someone? That and Edward is a pretty shit.

With the pretense of horror and suddenly having an X Reader with the longest-running Boogeyman in the horror world, it's a strange mix of bad writing, an exciting concept, and then a wish for things to be told from the perspective of the man behind the mask himself. It's not bad, not really- it just needs to be polished up a little bit. Hopefully, Maya can deliver a fun reading of Mine

More than enough information about snow is given, Edward keeps gate keeping, gaslighting, and girl bossing, Bella is an unreliable narrator, and Meyer doesn’t know shit about black ice. Book Poll: https://take.quiz-maker.com/poll4576396xBAC74F02-143

Chapter two doesn’t get any better. We’re supposed to hate teens for being teens? And once more the extent of just how much Bella obsessed over Edward was forgotten. Also #TeamMike

In light of busy schedules, let’s celebrate spooky season a little bit with some old stories from a long off childhood.

It’s that time of the year again, and this time we unlock our inner cringe. Twilight had a special place in the hearts of those that read it early on, then the movies came along. Does the book still hold up? Not really honestly, it’s a love hate relationship at this point in time. But we’re still reading it. #TeamEric

We get a recap of the actual story of Jeff the Killer, other creepy pastas make an appearance, pretty sure everyone is going to have a crush on Della, and everything is still confusing.

Coming at you with even more cringe, our reader character ‘Della’ doesn’t know anything about self-preservation and how it’s NOT okay for someone to just break into your house, even if it is to make you pancakes.

At last we reach a very anti-climatic end that doesn’t leave anyone feeling good…like at all. Eloise is still not like other girls and Siah and Maya reveal too much about knowing how blood spatter works.

We got the spice! Sort of, it’s…it’s okay, but it’s not…great. So warning for that, and character death. Eloise has Stockholm Syndrome at this point, Joker is a piece of shit, and a lot is learned about the hosts when it comes to taste in dirty fiction.

Trigger Warning for abusive relationships: Due to brilliant timing and forgetfulness, this episode comes a day late. It’s basically Fifty Shades meets 365 Days with the worst parts meeting one another. Also there’s a long con? There’s a long con involving cards…the card game doesn’t make sense. Help.

After last weeks unexpected break, today’s feature is a small blurb of cringe fanfiction brought to you by Wattpad. Author and name of the fic are not mentioned. Please enjoy this tale about the reader, whom happens to be an exotic dancer, working for Jared Leto’s joker. Man I wish it was Lego Batman Joker.

Oh snap here we go again. EL James’ book The Mister is also as sensual as wet cardboard and as sexy as the elder Kellog brother’s stance on libido- which is that is gross and disgusting. Literally there’s nothing sexy about this book.

Friends for Robots is a collection of short stories by Merc Fenn Wolfmoor, available on Amazon both kindle editions and paperback. Other works include So You Want To Be A Robot. The story today, It me, ur smol, is about a neural network trying to get humans to drink more water.

First and foremost, Norman’s website: http://empresstheresa.com In one of our longest episodes, we cover why Theresa shouldn’t be trusted with these powers and why she’s over all just not a good person character-wise- the fact that Norman wrote it this way is deeply disturbing.

Despite being sidetracked, as always, the discussion of just what a hero is comes into question. Theresa is plainly not that at all, if you couldn't already see, but Author-Chan seems to keep trying to push that on all of us. The absolute worst of Theresa just seems to come out here, there's something Norman doesn't seem to quite understand, and it's frustrating to the point of where in each chapter the same mistakes keep getting repeated. Theresa isn't a hero, she's just fixing the world she messed up in the first place.

Norman still doesn’t know how the environment works, somehow there are nuclear explosions going off, and this idea to save the planet is so insane it can’t even work in the science fiction sense.

Theresa goes on a picnic like the not so average bear instead of trying to save the world, but she ‘fixes’ the problem anyway. North Korea does some shady shit while Melvin is away, Theresa actually cries because what will she do without her man? Also she keeps fucking up the environment, the narwhals call for blood.

Theresa becomes a ‘pin-up’ girl and increasingly becomes insufferable. HAL learns some new tips and tricks, none of which actually make sense right off the bat, and this chapter is so forgettable we probably didn’t need to read it.

Theresa and Melvin take it to Paris y’all! And they make asses of themselves. Are we surprised? No, no we are not surprised by this at all. Travel guide Maya is here to talk about that one.

Theresa and Marvin are reunited and given residence in a mansion in the countryside of England, Norman gets everything wrong. Hundreds of soldiers are in the forest, we’re pretty sure they’re reenactors or something.

Literally nothing happens, everyone gets offended to the point of not finishing the chapter and just goofing off for a few minutes. The author published this not once, not twice, but four times and he didn’t bother to fix some language that’s definitely problematic.

The BBC special keeps going on, Siah and Maya keep getting offended, save the seapuppies, and Norman knows nothing.

When are we getting to the story? This is the story! Somehow both Siah and Maya get offended at the same time by the author, and for some other reason we have to know every little detail of what happened to Theresa after she was in the water. The author has a weird obsession with Theresa having this squeaky clean image and you know what, it’s boring. She’s really the person that reminds the teacher you have homework.

Coming to you from Maya’s house. The longest and most ridiculous chapter so far. Why the coke bottles? How many times did Winnie crop dust us? It’s only chapter 4 and it’s being going on for too long.

Somehow we always mention a bukakke, where there is a group of men we always find a way to squeeze it in. Also Norman doesn’t know how to write women decently, Theresa is boring, and if I have to google the college she’s going to to understand everything then you’re explaining things wrong Norman.

Literally nothing but something happens? The Amazon Commercial from Hell is retold and Jan goes missing, but no one really cares but we do? Also there’s been three presidents that all sound very boring.

Well, we thought Handbook was bad- this is kind of sort of worse. Listen as Maya becomes unhinged and starts speaking of outer gods that aren’t really there in the text, trust us this is for the best. Get ready for a lot of improv and inflection changes.

An excerpt of what is to come needed to be shared, no context and just know to buckle up buckaroos.

Here we have chapters 46, 47, and 48. Most things are wrapped up, Maya wastes money on the splash zone, and will we ever see hunchy ever again? Find out in the final installment of ModelLand.

Chapter 41: Stone to Bone and Flesh, Chapter 42 La Trois Carpines, and Chapter 43: Porcelain Living Dolls. All is revealed about Creamy and her apparently mysterious past, the Belladonna is finally seen, and Persimmon deserves better!

Today we have chapters 37: ManAttack and Heartache, 38: Left, Right, Left, 39: Breathless Sister-Friends, and 40: The 7Seven Tournament. A lot happens over these chapters, Tyra tries to knock-off quidditch, Tookie and Bravo are Toxic, Ci~L comes clean about stuff and stuff, and now we have a tournament suddenly happening!

Boys are not allowed in the D guys, okay? And Bravo breaks this rule just to see Tookie and tell her a little story, and things get a little bit awkward when sexy chicken tenders are brought up. Also Creamy is still pure evil because she is still willingly sacrificing people to the monstrosities that dwell within the Diabolical Divide.

The names of the chapters couldn’t even fit in the episode title! Today we have Chapter 31: Despairing Desperation, Chapter 32: There no, has never been, and never will be, Chapter 33: The Mutant Music Monster, and Chapter 34: The Mad Woman of the ModeLand.

It just keeps getting crazier  and crazier here. Apparently crossing the wall is a big no-no and yet the young Bella's are never told, Tookie doesn't know what  to do, Creamy is going mad with power and bloodlust, and Zarpessa has got some unresolved trauma. 

Trigger Warning: Mentions of eating disorders and self-hate. Tookie and company become the Knee Maracas (Unicas) and become the support they need while at ModelLand, and then it becomes kind of apparent that Bravo might actually like Tookie and the hospital section of ModelLand is bonkers as shit.

Trauma, Trauma, Trauma- at last we have more trauma that's shared amongst the group. Except  Tookie, Tookie doesn't get the trauma for today. That and we're reintroduced from past characters, plotting something that sounds rather nefarious. Hmm, who could it be and what is it that they could be up to?

So we're kind of sort of really in ModelLand. We get the D(orms) and experience one of the strangest classes, you'd be asking for advanced Chemistry again. Also we tell time by color here...color. We tell time by color-like that won't be a problem.  Also all these teachers (so far) are trash.

We’re finally in ModelLand(?) and it just keeps getting weirder and weirder. The teachers suck and literally everyone is a weenie it feels like. There’s still much confusion over the fact that Tyra just couldn’t come up with fake places vs combining names of real places with each other or elements from real places.

Hittin' ya with three chapters today! Two new challengers approach and some sketchy shit goes down! At last we find out who the Scout is...even thought we didn't really want to know or realize that we had to know what was going on? What really is going on and when are we getting to ModelLand? We may never know at this point.

Yeah, yeah, yeah we still have issues with Tookie, but this isn't an awful book compared to what we've previously read. Mayor McCheese sleep walks and has a dramatic flashback to when her daddy gets his eye poked out. Also the 7Seven (still don't know how to pronounce this) are introduced and we relive our retail nightmares and wish nothing but harm on Creamy.

Trigger Warning: Mentions of self harm

I do say it in the audio right  before it happens, it isn't drawn out or anything but man- it goes from zero to one-hundred really fast. World building occurs, much things are looked up, and we finally meet the one person that is Tookie's friend. Tookie will not and cannot shut up about her woe is me problems though.

For some reason we get a whole chapter about how Charlie and Della met, it's interesting but it's not interesting at the same time because a certain author doesn't know how Tarot works for the most part, nor does she know how to use common sense and suspend the belief of her readers. Again, we're almost free from the madness.

Charles gets Zade and Mac to Tennessee, this chapter is pretty much the equivalent of  filler from One Piece...again? Was that line used already? Della is boring but interesting(?) and everyone is so ready for this to be over, just a few more chapters until then!

At last we get to the show they've all been working on, and honestly it's a snooze. It's One thing cloaked in shiny glitter, and heavy velvet. But during the show is all right? Will the hosts ever stop talking about interesting things and just get on with the damn story? Over halfway through, but the tension is actually rising.

Is there something going on with Charles and Zade? Is Zade gaslighting the shit out of everyone? Will we ever get to see what goes on in the show? Why do Jackson and Mac find Zade attractive again? There's so many questions yet we will only have some of these answered.

Zade keeps using her powers for evil, mainly hurting others that have done her wrong. Charles is prying into Mac's relationship with her, it comes off as super creepy and no one likes it. Mac doesn't believe in magick, Jackson does. Zade keeps referencing people being rude to her about her tarot reading when we've got two readers right here who know others that do the same- it's confusing as shit. As always, Lani Sarem didn't do her damn research.