Explore every episode of the podcast Divorce Coaches Academy
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When Men Divorce: Exploring the Male Experience in Divorce Coaching
Divorce can knock the wind out of the protector identity many men carry. We explore what happens when that role shakes, why so many dads go silent, and how outcome-oriented coaching can turn conflict into a proving ground for empathy, clarity, and calm co-parenting.
In this DCA Podcast episode, Tracy welcomes JH Harper, a DCA-certified ADR divorce coach and executive communication coach, who works primarily with fathers. Together we get practical about the tools that actually help: the three phrases men struggle to say without a caveat (“I’m sorry,” “I don’t know,” “I need help”), cognitive empathy through role-play, and the SCARF model for mapping triggers around status, certainty, autonomy, relatedness, and fairness.
We dig into the stories men tell themselves—about failure, blame, and masculinity—and replace them with questions that move things forward. What kind of dad do you want to be in five years? What experience do you want your child to have at big milestones when both parents share the room? Instead of staring at the obstacle, we focus on future mapping, micro-scripts for hard conversations, and agreements that stabilize kids’ routines. JH shares how fatherhood becomes a live wire to empathy and purpose, and why “combat is optional” can be a north star during negotiations and co-parenting.
You’ll hear honest talk about the loneliness men face, shifting gender roles, and the subtle ways language in the divorce space can exclude fathers. Most of all, you’ll get a playbook for redefining strength as accountability, presence, and calm leadership. If you or a dad you love is navigating separation, this conversation offers a way to lift your eyes from the rear-view mirror to the horizon line of a healthier family dynamic.
If this resonated, share it with someone who needs it, subscribe for more real-talk on divorce and conflict, and leave a review to help others find the show. Your feedback shapes future conversations. ______________________________________
JH Harper is a DCA® Certified ADR Divorce Coach. A former journalist, he is also an executive coach who works with high-profile leaders globally on communications principles. He lives in New York City.
When love gets loud, decision-making gets messy. We sit down with family law attorney, mediator, and certified ADR divorce coach Lauren Fair to unpack why support from family and friends often feels good in the moment but can quietly anchor clients in rigid positions. From “my cousin got the house” jurisdiction myths to the rallying effect of loyal allies, we trace how emotional justice can overshadow long-term interests and derail reasonable agreements.
Together we map a different path: neutrality, structure, and reality testing. Lauren shares how she helps clients separate feelings from facts, weigh costs against outcomes, and align choices with core values like stability for kids, financial sustainability, and healthier communication. We talk through funding dynamics—when a parent pays for services and expects a say—and how to reset power imbalances without blowing up negotiations. You’ll hear practical tools you can use immediately: boundary scripts that honor love while declining directives, somatic cues to sense whether a choice is grounded, and a simple framework for designing a support circle on purpose.
For clients, treat advice as data and keep your hands on the wheel. For family and friends, the most loving move is to listen more and fix less. And for coaches, expect outside opinions to surface weekly and have a clear protocol ready to normalize the noise, test realities, and protect client agency. Love and protection matter, but clarity and resolution move families forward.
If this conversation sparked insight, subscribe, share it with a colleague, and leave a review. Your support helps more professionals and families move from chaos to clarity.
When alcohol concerns collide with custody arrangements, families need more than good intentions—they need accountability. Laura Crossett joins the Divorce Coaches Academy podcast to reveal how Soberlink's remote alcohol monitoring system transforms high-conflict co-parenting situations into manageable, child-centered arrangements.
Laura brings rare insight as both a recovery professional and former monitored client herself. "I saw firsthand the drastic improvement in my family relationships," she shares, explaining how objective test data eliminated the need for accusations or defensiveness. Her 18-year recovery journey and decade of experience with Soberlink technology offer authentic perspective on rebuilding trust between separated parents.
The conversation explores how Soberlink works—a portable breathalyzer with built-in identity verification through digital photography, providing court-admissible, tamper-proof results in real time. What makes this technology particularly valuable is its ability to shift the dialogue away from addiction labels toward practical child safety. Rather than demanding lifelong sobriety, the system simply asks: "Can you commit to being alcohol-free during your parenting time?" This approach reduces stigma while keeping focus where it belongs—on children's wellbeing.
Perhaps most powerfully, Soberlink creates pathways for children to maintain relationships with both parents when drinking concerns might otherwise limit contact. For concerned parents, it offers freedom from hypervigilance and constant worry. "You can actually do something fun for yourself instead of worry," Laura notes, highlighting how the technology allows both parents to be more present and emotionally available.
Recognizing financial accessibility matters, Laura details the Family Assistance Program and new device rental options that make monitoring more affordable across different income levels. For divorce coaches, family law attorneys and parents navigating this challenging territory, Soberlink represents more than technology—it's a neutral third party that verifies compliance, eliminates accusations, and helps families move forward with confidence.
Are you a DCA certified divorce coach? Ask us about the Soberlink-DCA Affiliate program
Are you certified but feel like you're ready to elevate your practice? This week we have the pleasure of talking with two certified, practicing divorce coaches who recently completed DCA's ELEVATE program to add an ADR divorce coaching certification to their credentials.
Heather Cary and Carolyn Jacobs give us the inside scoop on their backgrounds, their initial certification, their decision to pursue additional ADR training, and how the DCA foundations, frameworks and skills have provided just what they needed to take their coaching practice to the next level.
ELEVATE is a new option for CDC certified divorce coaches who are looking to add ADR and conflict resolution skills. The ELEVATE program includes every lesson, every module, and every resource that our new divorce coaching students have access to. We believe our ADR approach is so revolutionary that we just couldn’t leave anything out. The coaching frameworks and approach to divorce fundamentals look and land differently when viewed and taught through an ADR lens.
Listen in as Heather and Carolyn describe how learning to speak ADR language, working with clients to focus on conflict management, and delivering an effective coaching session every time has increased both their impact with clients and their bottom line.
When people find out what we do, it's not unusual to hear “UGH, I wish I’d known you when I went through my divorce. I made so many mistakes.” In this week's episode, we’re reviewing the five common mistakes people make and talk about how a divorce coach helps clients sidestep those mistakes and save time, money, relational damage and emotional energy.
Right now the average divorce with attorneys in the US will cost each party somewhere in the neighborhood of $15-20,000 and can easily exceed 6 figures when you add in custody battles, forensic accounting, discovery, depositions, motions, and all the other professionals and processes. Certainly legal fees can add up quickly when conflict escalates, but there are many other costs that clients pay when divorce mistakes are made.
When clients are stressed and overwhelmed and/or driven by emotions like anger, sadness, vengeance, jealousy, or indecision, their lives are impacted on every level. While those costs are much harder to quantify, they aren’t hard to observe.
Studies show that an employee can lose 40% of their productivity when going through a divorce, costing many companies millions of dollars in lost revenue. Clients who are struggling to manage their own emotions aren’t able to attend to the emotions or needs of their children in a healthy way. And when people are experiencing these costs of divorce, they may act and make decisions that don’t reflect their best selves or their best interests.
Listen in as Tracy and Debra dive into the 5 most expensive divorce mistakes and talk through the coaching tools you can use with each.
Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
If you’re working in the world of divorce, chances are that a number of your clients are going to be dealing with feelings of betrayal. In this episode we’re going to dig into how betrayal impacts emotions and decision making and discuss how you can work with clients struggling with the double whammy of betrayal and divorce.
Research presented to the Senate indicates that 56% of divorce cases involve one party having an obsessive interest in pornographic websites. According to the American Psychological Association, infidelity in the United States is said to be responsible for 20-40% of divorces. A Bankrate survey reports that 1 in 4 Americans keep financial secrets from their partner.
Betrayal Trauma occurs when the actions of another violate the trust on which a relationship was built and it can cause lasting changes in the areas of the brain responsible for regulating emotion, thought, and memory.
Many symptoms arise immediately after a betrayal trauma, while other symptoms can begin months or even years later. In one survey, more than 33% of respondents reported having continued symptoms more than 5 years after the discovery of the betrayal.These symptoms can complicate the divorce process and the inherent conflict involved.
Listen in as we explore how different people respond to trauma and how they have different coaching needs. We also share how to identify if your client might need additional mental health support and offer some scripts you can use to gently introduce this idea.
Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
These days with all the talk of narcissists, domestic violence, intimate partner violence, and coercive control, we get a lot of questions from divorce coaches about how, when or whether they should be working with clients involved in these situations.
In this episode, we clarify the specific role a divorce coach plays and examine those circumstances where coaches need to be cautious that they’re not crossing the line into advising, advocacy or UPL in their efforts to protect clients dealing with high conflict or intimate partner violence.
We set the stage by defining the terms divorce coach, educator, advisor and advocate. then we walk through a couple of hypothetical scenarios with a client we call "Michelle" to demonstrate the difference between coaching, advising, and advocacy.
Resources to have on hand:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: thehotine.org 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Local Domestic Violence Resources: womenslaw.org
So how do you figure out what your role as a divorce coach should be when conflict is ramping up? We share 3 guidelines that will help you make decisions:
Your Comfort Zone
Your Consult Call
Your Coaching Agreement
Your Professional Ethics
Learn more about DCA™ or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
It’s Thanksgiving and we’re so thankful for all of you who take the time to listen each week. We thought it might be a great opportunity for you to get to know us a little better and get a sneak peek behind the scenes at the DCA podcast.
Listen in as Tracy and Debra talk (and laugh) about:
how they record the podcast each week
why they started the podcast
what brought them to the profession of divorce coaching
their proudest achievements
their personal obsessions
the first time they met in person
who they'd love to collaborate with and why
their dream podcast guest
We had a ton of fun recording this and hope you enjoy this more personal view into the people behind the microphones.
Have an idea for a future topic or episode? We'd love to hear from you.
Learn more about DCA™ or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
In last week's episode, we talked about why people resist change and did a quick review of the 5 SCARF domains - status, certainty, autonomy, relatedness, and fairness. Today, we want to dive deep into the domain of certainty and discuss how uncertainty impacts both resistance to change and conflict.
We consistently see a perfect storm of someone’s tolerance for risk, their resilience and their emotional intelligence come together to either weather the uncertainty and changes that divorce brings or create more waves by feeling afraid and resisting them.
To the human mind, uncertainty equals danger. If your brain doesn't know what’s coming next, it can’t protect you. So it has a tendency to assume the worst, over-personalize threats, and jump to conclusions. Did you know that our brains find psychological uncertainty just as (if not more) painful than actual physical pain?
We crave certainty and safety. No wonder the uncertainty of divorce has the potential to create so much chaos.
We discuss the results of scientific studies as well as research with elite athletes and then share 4 coaching strategies and some powerful questions to use with clients struggling with uncertainty.
Our role is to support clients in their resilience, their decision making, and their emotional management so they are in the best possible position possible to deal with the almost guaranteed uncertainty that comes along with divorce and co-parenting.
Learn more about DCA™ or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
In this episode, we’re talking about working with those clients whose resistance to change is creating obstacles to negotiation and could potentially be escalating conflict. And resistance to the inevitable changes that divorce brings can cause everything from avoidant behaviors to decision making that’s downright destructive.
As divorce coaches, helping clients examine and dismantle that resistance can go a long way toward creating a more collaborative divorce and co-parenting environment.
We talk about how people typically cope with and react to change, what resistance really is, common resistance patterns, and how it shows up in divorce and co-parenting. Then we review the #1 tool you can use to help clients bust through the resistance that's keeping them stuck.
When we help clients gain clarity about the reasons behind their own resistance to change, we open up possibilities for growth.
Learn more about DCA™ or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
For many clients, the idea of facing mediation with a difficult spouse or co-parent is terrifying. It feels so much more comfortable to think about hiding behind an attorney and letting the justice system do its thing. But we know that not only is it possible, but it’s actually preferable to try to resolve things out of court with a difficult character. So today we're talking about helping clients feel confident that they can mediate with a narcissist, meanie or bully.
Side note: As a rule, we avoid the use of labels like narcissist, psychopath, borderline, or addict. Our goal is to help our client recognize patterns of behavior, identify what is within their control, and to empower them to take charge of their own decision making. We want to dispel the perception that this is happening TO them and instead support them in taking strategic actions and aligning their choices with their goals and values.
Experts in the field of conflict resolution are beginning to say that methods of alternative dispute resolution may work in your client’s favor and we discuss 8 of those reasons in today's episode.
Court is the high conflict person's playground
Costs can escalate quickly
The legal process moves slowly
Conflict can spiral out of control
Children get caught in the crossfire
Control is out of their hands
Lose the ability to use de-escalation strategies
Deceased compliance
So, while clients may feel that litigation is a safer alternative for dealing with their difficult spouse, by working with you they can gain the skills and confidence they need to try meditation. And by doing so, potentially avoid the expense, stress, and damage of a court battle.
Learn more about DCA™ or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Most divorces are not legally complicated, but there are two things in many divorce documents that complicate the process for clients and increase conflict … and that’s language. Language that’s difficult to understand or language that’s too vague to provide post-decree guidance. This week we're talking about how to help clients ditch the legalese and loose language in an effort to reduce conflict.
Have you ever seen a divorce settlement agreement that’s so full of latin words, statute reference numbers, long sentences, and outdated old english that you feel like you need a law degree to understand what it says? Yep, that’s legalese. And while lawyers seem to love it, the rest of us find it confusing, intimidating, and impossible to comprehend.
And then there's language that's so vague and open ended that it leaves the door open for future conflict. When details about who, when, where and how are omitted, we can run into post-decree compliance arguments. If the agreement simply says that parents have joint legal decision making, what happens if they can't come to agreement? There is so much opportunity to discuss options now that can prevent conflict later.
As divorce coaches, we can help clients feel confident their agreements aren’t filled with confusing legalese they don’t understand or loose language that could lead to future conflict. Of course, we need to be cautious that we aren’t participating in UPL, but we can work with clients to:
Advocate for clear and complete language
Review parts of their agreement that are unclear
Explore needs, fears, what if's, and goals
Document questions for the mediator/attorney
Detail what they would like the agreement to say
When we empower our clients to advocate for clear, concise, and detailed language in their agreements, we set them up for success.
Learn more about DCA™ or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
A couple of weeks ago we talked about amicable divorce and explored the idea that there’s a wide space between being BFF’s and being mortal enemies. In this episode, we get into one of the sneaky issues that can drive conflict - and that’s decision making biases.
In his book "Thinking Fast and Slow", Daniel Kahneman introduces us to the idea of system 1 (fast, automatic) and system 2 (slow, methodical) decision making. Our clients’ overtired and overworked brains are desperately seeking some relief; some way to get through the decision making process more quickly and with less effort. And so there are 6 shortcuts or biases that have a tendency to show up in divorce and coparenting that contribute to conflict and the inability to resolve differences.
Status quo
Loss aversion
Anchoring
Endowment effect
Confirmation
Overconfidence
When clients allow defense mechanisms and survival emotions to run the show, they tend to make decisions based on fear and bias. And the result is escalating conflict.
The antidote to system 1 biases is values based decision making. It is impossible to ignore or eliminate our biases, but we can help clients tune into what's truly important to them, so they can make decisions based on intention- which is values based. This might be a great time to consider using either the Best Self or Personal Values Exercise with your clients. As Roy Disney says “It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are”.
Learn more about DCA™ or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Divorce coaching isn't just for one type of professional anymore. What began as a niche service has evolved into a versatile skill set embraced by lawyers, mediators, paralegals, therapists, financial professionals, mortgage lenders, realtors and entrepreneurs—each using these powerful tools in unique ways.
For attorneys, divorce coach certification addresses a critical gap in legal education. While law school prepares them for legal analysis and courtroom advocacy, it rarely teaches the soft skills needed to manage highly emotional clients making life-altering decisions. Certified divorce coach training provides structured frameworks for helping clients regulate emotions, clarify values, and make informed choices. Lawyers who complete our program consistently report more productive client meetings, less time spent on emotional management, and greater professional satisfaction. As one family law attorney with decades of experience told us, "This is the best continuing education I've ever taken."
Mediators find that coaching skills dramatically improve client preparation and engagement. The ability to help clients articulate needs, understand interests (rather than positions), and develop realistic expectations transforms mediation outcomes. Meanwhile, paralegals and other legal support professionals discover new career opportunities, with some boutique firms now creating dedicated in-house divorce coach positions—a trend that benefits both clients and legal teams by reducing stress and improving service delivery.
Beyond the legal field, our certification attracts therapists seeking to expand their practice, financial professionals wanting to better understand the emotional components of financial decisions during divorce, and entrepreneurs building innovative support services. What unites this diverse community is a commitment to transforming how people experience divorce—reducing unnecessary conflict, preserving co-parenting relationships, and empowering clients to make thoughtful decisions during a challenging life transition.
Whether you're looking to enhance your existing professional skills or create an entirely new career path, DCA's revolutionary divorce coach certification offers a structured methodology grounded in alternative dispute resolution principles. Our approach teaches that while conflict in divorce is inevitable, combat is optional. Ready to be part of this professional revolution? Our next certification cohorts begin in October, and we'd love to welcome you to this growing community of practice-changing professionals.
Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Tracy and Debra are back on their microphones telling some truths this week. One of our absolute core values is to advocate for the professional practice of divorce coaching and yet we keep coming up against 2 things that make us crazy. The first one, we talked about a couple of weeks ago and that is individuals using the title of divorce coach without the proper training. If you missed that episode, it’s #74 and we recommend you give that a listen before you dive into this. It might give you some background and context.
But today, we really want to wrestle with the idea that there is no oversight in the divorce coaching industry. There’s no organization that determines which training programs meet minimum standards. Hell, no one has even defined what those standards are.
We review some of the components of most professional designations and what's missing in the profession of divorce coaching including:
Educational Standards/Requirements
Residency/Supervision
Examination
Continuing Education
Finally, we tackle the trademark fallacy. A trademark is NOT an assurance of quality, it's NOT an assurance of standards, recognition or status - it’s just branding. For about $250, you file some paperwork with the USPTO and, voila!, you've got a trademark to protect the name of your company, your logo, or your program. Any language that suggests otherwise is intentionally misleading.
All we can do for now is continue to remind both potential learners and clients to pause before they believe everything they read. Encourage them to take responsibility for their own process and do their research, ask questions, and make sure they’re getting what they think they’re getting. A name, a trademark, fancy language, or a title doesn’t mean a thing in this world. It’s buyer beware.
Learn more about DCA™ or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
When clients tell us that their goal is an amicable divorce, we wonder what their expectations are when they say that. What are they really anticipating their divorce experience will be like? So that’s the topic of today’s conversation. What does it mean to have an amicable divorce and if it’s not amicable, then what is it?
In 2014, Goop ( Gwyneth Paltrow’s wellness and lifestyle brand) published an article titled “Conscious Uncoupling” and that started a new wave of thinking about how couples could do this thing called divorce. But it's also gotten a bit twisted over the years and many people have gotten the idea that an "amicable" divorce means being BFF's with your ex, having family dinners, and vacationing together.
Somehow we've created this binary where a divorce is either amicable (meaning we get along all the time) or it's high conflict. But there's always conflict in divorce. So how can we work with clients to manage expectations when it comes to divorce conflict open them up to some new ways of thinking about what it means to be amicable?
We'll review some powerful questions as well as some tools and strategies you can use with clients to explore:
1. The possibility that there is a wide space between being BFF’s and being enemies 2. The possibility that our client can show up amicably regardless of how their partner shows up
We believe an amicable divorce truly is possible for the majority of couples if we focus on those words pleasant, respectful and polite. And one key is working with your client to get past some of these limiting beliefs that the existence of conflict means that it’s not amicable.
Learn more about DCA™ or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
This week, we’re taking the Stay or Go episode from a couple of week ago to the next step and we're talking about partnering with your client to develop an exit strategy. This means helping them gather the information they need and develop action plans to remove the fear and uncertainty around when and how to divorce.
Fear is not only the obstacle that keeps individuals stuck in unhealthy, unhappy marriages unable to make decisions or take action, but it’s also the #1 driver of cost and conflict in divorce.
Debra shares the results of an informal survey she did that showed that only 20% of respondents believed they had some or significant control over either the cost or the outcome of their divorce. We know clients have much more influence - they just need information and a strategy.
Failing to prepare thoughtfully when considering divorce can start things off in a way that quickly snowballs out of control. On the other hand, taking time, being strategic and establishing goals and priorities can pave the way for a good divorce if things go well. And it can protect clients in the event that things go poorly.
We'll review the 5 reasons an Exit Strategy (or divorce plan) is so incredibly helpful for clients and talk through some of the important elements of a solid plan. When we help clients identify and address their fears, our clients get a better outcome financially, relationally and emotionally.
Learn more about DCA™ or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
We’re noticing more and more people out here saying they’re divorce coaches, but when you dive into their bios, there’s no mention of coursework or certification in divorce coaching. They're using the title but don't have the training.
In this episode we're going on a bit of a rant about everybody and their brother calling themselves a divorce coach, but we're also going to give you some guidance about how to advocate for the profession of divorce coaching and have hard conversations with others about the importance of certification and training.
We'll review the 4 main reasons using the title without the training is problematic for our profession:
We're already fighting a stigma/reputation issue
Diminishes the credibility of those who have done it
Makes it harder to earn a seat at the table
Confuses the public
Then we'll give you some scripts you can use if you get a networking request from someone using the title without the training.
Our goal in this episode is not to bash other professionals - it’s to continue the conversation and help you advocate for the profession of divorce coaching. And that starts with speaking up about the importance of certification and training. Because you never know...your courage to step into that conversation might be the spark to get someone on the path to certification.
Learn more about DCA™ or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Our clients often face big decisions about real estate, especially the marital home, but as we’ll discuss today, money matters in divorce aren’t just about the numbers. They frequently get complicated by big emotions, so we thought our guest Jody Bruns would be the perfect expert to talk us through the best way to support our clients in making smart, strategic decisions when it comes to mortgage financing.
Jody is President and Founder of the Divorce Lending Association and is credited with establishing industry certification programs for both real estate and mortgage professionals working with divorcing clients. Jody takes her knowledge further as an approved continuing education provider for multiple bar associations and financial planning boards, educating attorneys, financial planners, and other divorce professionals on the underlying concerns when divorce and real estate meet head-on.
Listen in as we discuss the role of a CDLP®, how their specialized training sets them apart, and why having your client consult with one early in the process can both de-escalate conflict and result in a more satisfying settlement agreement. Here are just a few highlights from our conversation:
No all mortgage lenders are the same - why the CDLP® designation matters
Why bringing in a CDLP® earlier can improve outcomes for everyone
How a CDLP® supports negotiation and proposal development
Why emotions play such a big role in real estate decisions
Where clients can find a CDLP® in their area
We know you'll enjoy getting to know Jody as much as we did.
How often have you heard a client say “I’m miserable and I can’t imagine going on like this. I’ve tried and tried and nothing is changing. But … I’m afraid to get divorced.” They typically go on to share about all the problems in their marriage until they come to the big BUT that’s keeping them stuck.
And the 3 most common things that keep clients from moving forward are fears about:
Money
Kids
Conflict
In this episode we're talking working with clients who're trying to decide if they want to stay in their marriage or get divorced. We dive into research about unresolvable relationships conflicts, the rise in marital mediation, explore the often forgotten 3rd option of "waiting with intention", and the powerful questions to ask clients when they're stuck on their big BUT's and fears.
Listen in as Tracy and Debra chat about why this question is right in our wheelhouse and review the tools and strategies you can use to bust through those big BUT's that are creating obstacles to your client's decision making.
While we can’t make the decision for them, we can certainly offer lots of clarity and self-discovery to support them in making the choice that leads to their own fulfillment and happiness whether that means staying or leaving.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
In previous episodes, we’ve covered conflict styles, some magic words to use in mediation and the idea of tiered proposals, but today we're talking about one the most effective negotiation strategies there is - and that’s arguing with questions.
We’ve talked before about the ineffectiveness of positional bargaining, but it’s often the only way our clients have been taught to negotiate. They make the mistake of starting off negotiations by stating their position and then proceeding to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) why their position is valid and their partner should agree to it. JADE-ing continues back and forth and conflict escalates until someone backs down enough to come to a compromise or they walk away and lawyer up.
But there’s another way...and it's arguing with questions.
This is just one reason why divorce coaching can be the key to more successful negotiations. Because we have the chance to work with our clients at the individual level, we can create self-awareness. We have the chance to change those old limiting beliefs about positional bargaining. And we know that when one party shows up differently, the dance doesn’t look the same.
Listen in as Tracy and Debra walk through these 3 tools you can use to help clients learn to argue with questions.
Modeling
Scripts and Vocabulary Lessons
Role Play
Teaching your client to approach conflict with curiosity instead of justification or accusation will serve them well not only in their divorce negotiations, but in all their future relationships.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Make-believe or pretend play is an almost universal part of every kid's childhood. Most children love pretending to be everything from superheroes to astronauts, doctors, dancers, firefighters, and moms and dads. Today, we're getting into some tools you can use when you find yourself working with clients whose expectations and beliefs are keeping them squarely stuck in a state of make-believe.
Divorce expectations can be inherited from friends and or family experiences. They can come from from television shows, reality TV and movies about divorce. The problem with these expectations is that they often distort our client's perception of reality and make them see or hear what they want to see and hear rather than what’s really there.
When clients have unrealistic expectations of divorce, whether positive or negative, they can experience disappointment and stress when reality closes in. And that, in turn, can escalate conflict.
Reality testing is the ability to distinguish between what' s real and what' s not and it's a key component of emotional intelligence. Reality testing in divorce coaching helps our clients to avoid making choices or decisions that are based on unrealistic expectations, mindsets, or beliefs.
Listen in as we offer some tools and powerful questions you can use with clients to give their expectations a tune-up in preparation for a better divorce experience.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
We’ve all experienced it. Clients who can’t stop talking about their pain, are fixated on wanting to re-litigate past hurts, and who blame their partner for everything that isn’t going smoothly in their divorce process or co-parenting relationship. These clients are stuck in the problem cycle. And when they’re in the problem cycle, they can only see the problem. They can’t focus on solutions, so conflict resolution is nearly impossible.
Regardless of why they're stuck in the problem cycle, we see 3 consistent things that prevent our client from getting relief or resolution. Blaming their partner or co-parent for the problem. Focusing on the past and their pain rather than the future and their power. And allowing their negative emotions (blame) and a state of activation (pain) to throw fuel on the fire of an already tense situation
It’s our job as ADR specialists to help clients break out of that cycle and become more focused on taking action that can get them closer to their desired outcome. And we use a 3-step process to accomplish this:
Identify the problem (recognize conflict)
Develop alternative solutions (generate options)
Implement and evaluate (reflect and assess)
When we're able to successfully help clients move beyond the problem cycle, they can focus on empathetic problem solving and desired outcomes. And that allows them to take control over managing the conflict and take their power back.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
This week we’re going to take a classic children’s story and use it as a model for approaching proposal development with your clients. Goldilocks and the Three Bears is such a legendary fairy tale. You could ask just about anyone and you'd get the same general story. The three bears leave their home to go out for a walk. Goldilocks happens by and goes inside to explore the place. She samples the porridge and tries out their chairs and their beds. She assess each and determines that they are too hot, too cold, too big, too small, too hard, too soft, and finally, just right. Breaking and entering aside, we think there’s a lot to learn from Goldilocks when it comes to developing proposals in divorce that are just right.
So how do we use all these lessons from Goldilocks with clients working on divorce settlement proposals? Well, in order to help get clients prepared to be in that flexible thinking frame of mind, we like to work with them to develop Tiered Proposals. This helps avoid major negotiation mistakes like a my way or the highway approach and it helps them plan for both receiving and making counter proposals. That’s what keeps the conversation going and increases the chance that they can reach resolution.
This process of working through tiered proposals helps clients eliminate ideas that are too hot, too big or too hard and encourages them to reach beyond ideas that are too cold, too small or too soft. This intentional, strategic process allows them to find the range of solutions that are “just right” for them.
Listen in as Tracy and Debra talk through Goldilocks syndrome, the Goldilocks rule, and the Goldilocks principle and how they apply when supporting your clients in developing flexible thinking and a problem solving approach when it comes to crafting tiered proposals.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Feeling unheard or misunderstood by their divorce professionals can add another layer of stress to an already challenging process for our clients. What happens when their attorney seems dismissive or their forensic accountant isn't addressing their concerns? More importantly, how can you help your client effectively advocate for themselves without damaging these critical professional relationships?
This episode tackles one of the most persistent challenges we see clients face: conflict with the very professionals they've hired to support them. Tracy and Debra explore this delicate territory with practical wisdom, offering a framework for both divorce coaches and their clients to navigate these situations effectively. Rather than simply validating frustrations, we examine how to transform these moments into opportunities for developing lifelong conflict resolution skills.
At the heart of our approach is the understanding that most professional conflicts stem from misalignments in communication styles, expectations, or priorities—not sabotage. We break down specific techniques like creating "conflict prep sheets," practicing non-violent communication, and managing emotional reactivity when power dynamics feel intimidating. These tools help clients move from feeling victimized to becoming empowered advocates for their needs.
The skills developed through addressing these professional relationship challenges extend far beyond divorce. When clients learn to assert themselves effectively with their attorney or accountant, that newfound confidence transfers to negotiations, co-parenting, workplace interactions, and countless other relationships. As we often say, communication is both the source of conflict and its solution—making these skills among the most valuable tools we can provide our clients.
Whether you're a divorce coach looking to better support clients through professional relationship challenges or someone navigating your own divorce journey, this episode offers actionable strategies for turning conflict into opportunity. Ready to transform how you approach difficult conversations? Listen now and discover why we consider ourselves "conflict junkies" who believe in the life-changing potential of mastering these essential skills.
Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
One of the most common complaints we hear from divorce coaches is that they aren’t getting as many clients as they had hoped and that means they aren’t hitting their revenue goals. If that’s a struggle you’re facing, then this episode is for you. We’re giving you the 411 on crafting your elevator pitch so you can be prepared to talk about what you do in a way that makes people excited to know more.
The key to getting referrals and consult calls is effectively describing what you do and the value you provide. An elevator pitch is simply a very short, targeted way to describe what you do as a divorce coach. Think of a situation recently where you met someone new and they asked you what you do. How did you answer that question?
To craft an effective elevator pitch, focus on a specific problem or pain point that your potential client or referral partner has. Next, consider how working with you helps them solve that problem. Now boil all that down until you can create a 15-30 second statement that sounds like this:
I help…people with this problem Get…these results So they can…have this outcome
This seems simple, but it’s not easy. But trust us. If you do this right, the person on the other end will ask more questions. This won’t be the end of your conversation. Your elevator pitch is only the appetizer. But it has to pack enough punch to make the other person go “Wait, what? I want more.”
Listen in as Tracy and Debra talk through the elements of an effective elevator pitch and give some examples to get your creative juices going.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Do you want to make more money in your coaching business? Would you like a steadier, more reliable inflow of new clients? What if we told you that spending time and money on marketing is not the most effective way to make either of those happen? This week we want to dive into the importance of session focus and how it’s the critical, but often overlooked key to creating raving fans and referral business.
As a professional, certified divorce coach you save clients time, money, and emotional energy - and when they get those benefits they can’t wait to tell others about their experience with you. Just like you share when you find a great new restaurant, landscaper, or hairstylist, they want their friends, family, co-workers, and others to know how much you helped them.
And it all starts with Session Focus. When we neglect this first 5-8 minutes of a coaching session, we fail to set a course for delivering value. The conversation rambles, coaches get lost in the weeds, and the client walks away without clarity or action steps. And that means lost referrals and lost revenue.
So what does it look like to effectively establish session focus?
Listen in as Tracy and Debra walk you through using your GPS for Success (Gather, Prioritize, Strategize) so you can nail that session focus every time.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Our clients show up with a multitude of problems, questions, and difficult dilemmas. And the truth is, we’re tempted to offer a solution or an answer because it’s faster, easier, and eliminates our client’s distress. Today we want to talk about that urge to tell clients what to do - or what we call superhero syndrome.
One of the most difficult things to navigate as a divorce coach is that we can see the road ahead, have knowledge and insight the client doesn’t have, and want desperately to help them avoid mistakes and problems. It’s tempting to want to put on that superhero cape and rush to the rescue. But it’s not effective.
Giving the answer isn’t the answer. The best solution for our clients is to help them develop skills to make their own decisions and take their own best next action steps and we have 4 tools to do that.
Active/Reflective Listening
Powerful Questioning
Reality Testing
Impact Assessment
This work with your clients takes discipline. Every coach has to occasionally fight that urge to tell or just hand our client the solution. But, trust that your client has it in them. It’s your job to help them find it.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Divorce coaching is a relatively new profession, so most coaches offer a short, initial complimentary or free block of time for the client to get to know them and understand the value of the services we provide. And unless you got into this business as a ministry, you probably want to convert that initial conversation into a paying client. In this episode we want to focus on how you can consistently crush that consult call and grow your business.
But before we talk about the conversation itself, we talk about the purpose behind the conversation. It’s sales. If that made you feel icky, take a pause. Selling is nothing more than helping. Your prospect has a problem, and you have the solution.
What you call this initial conversation and the language you use sets your potential client up to anticipate a certain experience with you. We break down the 3 most common types of initial conversations (complimentary consultation, discovery call or strategy session, mini-session or laser focus session) talk through the differences.
We are big fans of the consult call and we go into depth about why we have such a crush on this kind of conversation for building your business. We even give you a 4-step script you can use to help you close more sales.
So how do you conduct an effective initial conversation that converts into a sale? Professionalism, scripts and follow up are the three keys to building your business. Listen in as Tracy and Debra give you all the tips to stop wasting time on unproductive calls and start getting paying clients.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
You may have heard that DCA is going global. And today we're honored to introduce you to Anne-Marie Cade - the DCA™ Director of Learning and Development for Australia.
She is an award-winning lawyer and mediator, a Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner, Certified Divorce Coach and Parenting Coordinator as well as a speaker, trainer and lecturer in law. She has a Masters in Family Dispute Resolution and Negotiation and was recently named Australian Mediator of the Year 2023 (Right?). She was also awarded a Churchill Fellowship recently and she traveled to 16 cities around the world in 2022 researching “Best Practice in Parenting Coordination” with a view to informing the implementation of the practice of Parenting Coordination in Australia.
We can't possibly list all her credentials, but trust us, she is a rock star when it comes to ADR processes in Australia and we couldn't be more excited to have her as part of the DCA leadership team. She is passionate about the work she does as Alternative Dispute Resolution professional with families, individuals, and corporate teams to help them reach peaceful resolution.
In her role at DCA, Anne-Marie leads the Q&A calls as well as oversees the professional mentorship for the DCA Australian divorce coaching certification program. We’re big fans and can't wait for you to hear more from her about her journey from lawyer to mediator to divorce coach and her passion for bringing DCA's certification to Australia.
Enjoy!
Our first cohort for DCA ADR Divorce Coach Certification Australia begins the week of July 24. If you'd like more information, schedule a meeting with Anne-Marie at www.divorcecoachesacademy.com or reach out to her at dca.au@divorcecoachesacademy.com.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Many of us (including our clients) have learned all the wrong things about negotiation. We think of haggling over the price of a car where each person gives up a little of their position until an agreement is reached. Essentially we’ve been taught incorrectly that the loudest and most assertive voice wins in any negotiation, or that both sides compromise and end up with less.
In this episode, we're talking about some ways you can help clients develop skills that will not only help them be more effective in mediation, but may help them generate more satisfying agreements.
Most divorce coaches spend quite a bit of time supporting clients in developing proposals and preparing to negotiate their property settlements and parenting plans. But negotiation is much more than just throwing demands around and successful negotiation requires specific language.
Listen in as we give a client scenario and review use of our 3 favorite techniques:
EAR statements
Yes, and...
Arguing with questions
And don't forget the importance of these magic words: thank you, I hear you, I understand, I apologize, that's news to me, I can own that, and I can live with that.
And finally, it’s critically important that your client understand their BATNA or best alternative to a negotiated agreement. If that’s not a concept you’re familiar with, please go back and listen to Episode #59 from a few weeks ago where we did a deep dive into this concept.
Using the right language in negotiation can determine whether conflict escalates, negotiations stall, and the couple moves toward litigation or ... the conversation continues and other options are explored.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Today we're talking conflict styles and how helping a client gain insight into their own as well as their partner’s dominant or historical conflict style can be a game changer in divorce.
Most couples have repetitive, unhealthy conflict patterns that have been established throughout their marriage. And those dysfunctional patterns don’t go away during divorce. As a matter of fact, they may become even more problematic when we add in the stress and fear that people experience during divorce.
So how can divorce coaches work with clients to help break those historical patterns and prepare clients for more effective conflict resolution? Well, it begins where all change begins - with awareness.
The Thomas-Kilman Model categorizes individuals into 5 styles: Competing, Avoiding, Accommodating, Compromising, and Collaborating. Some styles are passive while some are assertive and some are cooperative while others are considered uncooperative. No one style is better or worse - each has both benefits and costs.
By understanding conflict styles, we help clients gain awareness into the dynamics that are causing problems between them and their partner/co-parent and offer choices to strategically use different conflict styles in different circumstances to achieve their goals.
Today, we thought it might be fun, interesting, and helpful to demonstrate what it sounds like when a coaching session goes wrong. We were looking back on some of our most popular podcast episodes and we noticed that many of the most downloaded topics were related to effective coaching skills. A few of the super popular ones include:
So we’re going to run through a short coaching session demo and then break it down for you. Listen in and see if you can catch the moments when Tracy steps out of the coaching zone.
What did you notice? Let’s break down some of the problems we hope you were able to identify in this extreme example.
Dismissive/Invalidating
No Session Focus
Directive
Talking vs. Listening
Giving Legal Advice
Conflict Escalation
When we mentor new coaches, these are precisely the missteps we see over and over again. The good news is that by going back to foundational coaching frameworks, we can adjust and provide a much more effective coaching experience for the client.
If you'd like to do some self-reflection and make sure you're staying in the coaching zone with your clients, we invite you to join our Case Consultation & Mastermind Group. This group of professional divorce coaches meets twice a month to discuss difficult cases, best practices, and encourage each other to be their best selves.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Most bottom lines are generated out of fear and uncertainty. Clients feel that their well being, identity, status, financial security and more are being threatened in divorce. Today we're talking about helping our clients explore options that meet their core interests while still allowing for flexibility and collaboration - and that means understanding their BATNA and WATNA.
Bottom lines in divorce are not all inherently bad. Sometimes they can play an important role in establishing boundaries or insuring safety during the divorce process. However, when this positional thinking keeps clients in a state of inflexibility and conflict ... it can increase costs, extend time to settlement, impact future relationships (co-parenting), and negatively impact children.
BATNA stands for "Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement." In the context of divorce, BATNA refers to the course of action a person can take if they are unable to reach an agreement with their spouse through negotiation or mediation. It is essentially the fallback option or the next best option available to a person if the divorce settlement or terms cannot be agreed upon. WATNA stands for “Worst Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement.”
In essence, the better your client’s alternatives are, the more they may push for a more favorable settlement. The worse their alternatives, the more accommodating they may be in the settlement negotiations.
Listen in as Tracy and Debra review the 5 steps you can use to support a client in negotiation:
Identify alternatives
Evaluate alternatives
Assess the BATNA
Assess the WATNA
Negotiate from a position of strength
Your client's BATNA and WATNA serve as guiding principles to help them make informed, intentional decisions and have a backup plan in the event that negotiations break down.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
When clients act out of fear, anger, powerlessness, overwhelm, or other emotions, they aren’t making the best decisions for themselves. This week, we’re talking all about triggers - why they happen and what you, as a coach, can do to support your clients in managing those emotional responses.
How many times have you heard a client say, “that triggered me”? Or do you notice they're having a strong reaction to an event that seems out of proportion? It could be their amygdala that's to blame.
The most primitive part of our brain, the amygdala, often called our reptilian or lizard brain, is responsible for our survival. The amygdala is on guard 24/7 scanning the environment for safety. It lights up when a threat (real or perceived) is detected and fires off a series of automatic physical responses that prepare the body to respond to danger.
It makes sense that people feel threatened during divorce and that feeling can cause them to act in aggressive ways, have problems with rational thinking, engage in poor decision making, and damage personal relationships.
As a coach, what’s your first response? Do you roll your eyes and think your client is being overdramatic? Do you overstep the comments because you aren’t sure what to do or how to best support that client? Listen in as Tracy and Debra offer 5 tips and a number of tools you can use to support your clients when their emotions try to run the show.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Navigating the stormy waters of divorce conflict requires more than good intentions—it demands specific skills, awareness, and strategies. Tracy and Debra tackle this crucial topic that affects every divorcing couple at some point, revealing the true costs that extend far beyond legal fees.
When people enter conflict during divorce, their nervous systems shift into survival mode. In this dysregulated state, rational decision-making becomes nearly impossible. As we explain, "When emotion is high, intelligence is low"—a reality demonstrated perfectly by Will Smith's Oscar slap and its decade-long consequences. This reactivity creates a cascade of costs: financial (skyrocketing legal bills over sometimes minor issues), emotional (prolonged psychological distress), relational (damaged co-parenting dynamics), and generational (children who absorb and internalize conflict patterns). Most painfully, high-conflict divorces can stretch for years, preventing everyone from moving forward.
Properly trained divorce coaches occupy a unique position to break this cycle. Unlike attorneys or therapists, we help clients develop self-awareness about their conflict styles, recognize triggers, and build practical communication skills like BIFF responses (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm). The exciting reality is that it only takes one person changing the way they engage in conflict to transform the entire dynamic. Through techniques like conflict mapping, coaches help clients shift from feeling victimized to recognizing their agency and options. For co-parents especially, these skills prove invaluable as they navigate relationships that continue long after legal proceedings conclude.
Ready to deepen your conflict resolution skills? Join our six-week deep dive into the RESOLVE framework starting September 15th. Whether you're a DCA certified coach looking to expand your expertise or a coach certified elsewhere seeking foundational conflict training, we have options for you. Contact us at dca@divorcecoachesacademy.com to learn how you can help your clients move from reactivity to intentional response.
Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
We’ve said it before and we’ll keep saying it … if you want to get clients, grassroots marketing is the least expensive and most effective way to go. Today we want to talk about the mistakes we see new coaches make and what you can do to work your two most important referral pipelines - current clients and professional contacts.
There’s really only one thing that’s most likely to provide you with a steady flow of new clients - and that’s referrals. Not a fancy sales funnel, not a big Google Ad words campaign, not social media, and not an expensive business coach.
One of the most common mistakes we see new-ish coaches making is spending time and $$ on the wrong things like a fancy website, a business coach, networking with divorce professionals and trying to start group coaching programs.
Focus on first things first and that's getting one-on-one clients:
Perfect your elevator pitches
Talk to everyone you meet everywhere you go
Master the consult call
Next, increase the chances that current clients will recommend you:
Be professional
Provide value and results
Acknowledge and celebrate progress
Make the ask
Finally, cultivate a network of professional referral sources:
Talk to your own contacts - doctors, hair stylist, massage therapist, trainer, bartender - people that people tell their problems to
Participate in continuing education classes and events through ABA, Mosten-Guthrie, APFM, AFCC
Offer to speak or do lunch and learns for local business groups
Once you're up and running and have a steady flow of clients, you can consider what steps to take when you're ready to level up. But for now, talk about what you do, get potential clients on the phone, and close the deal. And when you turn clients into raving fans, you'll have started a ripple effect that will effortlessly bring you future clients.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Why would someone with decades of experience as a family law attorney and family court judge choose to pursue training as a divorce coach? We invited Chandlee Kuhn, a student in our current cohort, to share her perspective and give you some insights.
Chandlee J. Kuhn is the retired Chief Judge of the Family Court for the State of Delaware. Chief Judge Kuhn recently joined the Family Law Advice Center (FLAC), a limited representation law practice. In her legal role, Judge Kuhn evaluates legal matters and advises clients regarding their Family Court matters. She also coaches her clients to navigate the ups and downs of the legal process and life after Family Court. Judge Kuhn is a Certified Mediator for the Delaware Family Court and the Delaware Superior Court and has devoted her career to serving the community through numerous local and national boards and organizations, including as a Director of the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges, the Executive Committee of the Supreme Court of Delaware, the Delaware Court on the Judiciary, the Child Protection Accountability Commission, the Domestic Violence Coordinating Council, and the Criminal Justice Council of Delaware.
Those are some serious credentials, so we had to ask ... why divorce coach training? Not only does Chandlee have a love of learning, but as she transitions her work with clients to a limited law practice that doesn't litigate, she wanted to have the ability to both approach her cases from a new perspective and market her practice differently.
As an attorney, she is used to giving advice and telling clients what to do. She says one of her biggest AHA moments so far has been that in divorce coaching we teach our clients to navigate for themselves. She's looking forward to letting the client lead their own journey of self-discovery and trust that they have their own answers.
Chandlee was attracted to the DCA certification program because we are aligned with the ABA definition of divorce coaching as a method of alternative dispute resolution. She recommends coaching training to other divorce professionals because she believes it will allow them to get more satisfaction from a field that can be extremely draining.
Well, we couldn't be more excited to have THE Susan Guthrie joining us on the podcast this week. TBH we were fangirling a little bit, but we had the most incredible conversation about how she transitioned from litigation to ADR and why Susan believes a divorce coach should be everyone's first call.
Susan is a nationally recognized Top Family Law Attorney and Mediator with over 32 years of unparalleled experience. And now as one of the world's foremost family, collaborative, and mediation trainers, Susan is dedicated to helping legal and dispute resolution professionals elevate their practices for a more fulfilling and prosperous career.
Susan talks about the moment that changed the trajectory of her career from a burned out litigator to a mediator and how her own personal experiences with divorce and being part of a blended family have continued to impact her work.
She also share why she believes a team approach to divorce is the best approach for families and why a divorce coach trained from an ADR perspective is the right fit for that team. We couldn't be more honored that Susan is such a big supporter of DCA's new ADR divorce coach certification program.
And if you've been curious about artificial intelligence like ChatGPT, Susan will be holding a training on June 28 through Mosten-Guthrie Academy so you can learn how to incorporate this new tool into your practice.
Have you ever had a client who is timid about going into mediation because they believe their spouse or co-parent will over-power or try to dominate them? Perhaps they don’t feel like they have the confidence to advocate for themselves? Today we're talking about the concept of psychological power and that’s where we can look to Sasha Fierce for inspiration to help clients prepare to go into that mediation room with confidence.
For those of you who may not know who Sasha Fierce is, she is Beyoncé’s alter ego. She created Sasha Fierce to help her separate her confident on-stage persona from her more timid at-home personality.
And if you've ever seen Beyoncé perform, you may be wondering…timid???? There is nothing timid about her performances; they are bold, sexy, and confident. Well, that's thanks to Sasha Fierce.
As divorce coaches, we can help our clients create their own alter ego and embody a temporary sense of power when they are preparing to mediate. Research has shown that being powerful and feeling powerful have essentially the same impact in negotiations. So whether your client channels Oprah, the Dalai Lama, Batman, or their best friend, the point is that they can increase their perceived psychological power.
Next time you watch a Beyoncé video, think about that. Is she timid or is she Sasha Fierce?
The quickest route to jeopardizing your business is crossing the line and giving clients legal advice. Yes, as divorce coaches, we do support clients through the legal process and we do provide general divorce education, but we need to be very cautious to avoid acting as a legal advocate.
In this week's episode, we review the concept of the unauthorized practice of law, discuss what we can and cannot do as divorce coaches, and talk about the potential outcomes if you overstep your role.
Because divorce is a legal process, the only folks who are permitted to give legal advice are licensed attorneys. While requirements differ slightly from state to state, all states make it illegal to engage in the practice of law without first obtaining a license. Illegal! Anyone engaged in the practice of law without a license is committing a criminal act and is subject to penalties that range from fines to jail time.
Listen in as we talk through a common client scenario and illustrate the difference between coaching and UPL.
The bottom line is this ... if you're staying in the coaching zone and adhering to the principle that we don't tell clients what to do, you won't be in the danger zone.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Clients don’t always serve up their fears, goals, biases, needs, expectations, assumptions and thinking problems on a silver platter. Often they’re embedded deep inside their stories. One of the most critical skills we develop as coaches is to hear what isn’t being said. In today’s episode we dive into how excellent coaches train themselves to perform these Jedi mind tricks and how you can use those skills to create awareness and transformation for your client.
Why in the world are we calling these Jedi mind tricks? I mean what does Star Wars have to do with divorce coaching? What we’re actually talking about is being so connected to your client and what they’re saying to you that you’re able to use your training , discipline, and intuition to discern which clues, comments, and patterns require further exploration.
And we do that by doing 2 things consistently and doing them well - actively listening and remaining fully present.
Listen in as we explore specific active listening skills, mindfulness techniques, and client scenarios to support you in perfecting your Jedi mind tricks.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
These days everyone is talking about high conflict divorce, but is it always the other party? Today we thought we’d talk about those times when your client is contributing to the conflict and discuss some strategies for helping them identify when they’re getting in their own way.
Have you heard the saying “it takes two to tango”? That may be true in dance, but in divorce, one person can change the routine. That’s where divorce coaches have the opportunity to help clients recognize when they might be falling into old patterns of conflict that are ineffective.
When we think of times when out client may be the one creating conflict or throwing fuel on the fire, we're reminded of Taylor Swift's song Anti-Hero. The lyrics say:
Me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me At tea time, everybody agrees I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It can be difficult for clients to look in the mirror and accept the reality that poor emotional management, ineffective communication, lack of boundaries, unrealistic expectations, and short-term thinking are dialing up the conflict.
As professional divorce coaches, you have a variety of tools you can use to help clients see more clearly. While they may not be able to control their spouse's or co-parent's behavior, they can choose not the throw fuel on the fire. We discuss the stop, drop and roll strategy; BIFF, EAR, and GREATT communication strategies, reality testing, impact assessment, and exploring locus of control.
Martin Luther King, Jr has a famous quote that we adapted slightly here that perfectly reflects this idea that one person can change the dance of conflict:
“[Humans] are called upon not to be like a thermometer conforming to the temperature of [conflict], but [they] must be like a thermostat serving to transform the temperature of [conflict]”.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
We talked earlier this year about why we hate toxic positivity and it obviously hit a nerve. It’s one of our most downloaded episodes, so we thought we’d unpack that a little more and spend some time chatting about why we want professional divorce coaches to stop referring to themselves as cheerleaders.
Cheerleader: be an enthusiastic supporter of someone or something
Coach: to teach, motivate, and support team members in reaching their potential
A cheerleader says "Yay, you can do it" but with the skill set you already have. On the other hand, a coach says "You can do it AND I’ll help you figure out what you need to be successful".
Positive thinking or what we call toxic positivity is unhelpful, breaks trust, and can cause damage when clients are struggling with some of the difficulties of divorce. It doesn't include help to acquire the skills or insight to overcome the barriers or be able to accomplish their goals.
Divorce coaching is a form of ADR - our job is to help our clients manage conflict, not ignore it. And in order to do that hard work of skill development or self-reflection, we need to build a foundation of trust by validating the client's feelings, not stepping over them.
In other words, we have to name it to tame it to reframe it. Supporting clients to identify and process those emotions puts them in a better place to be ready to take action in their divorce or co-parenting process. And that's our ultimate goal.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
There’s a lot of confusion out there about what being a certified divorce coach means and why it matters. Advocating for the profession of divorce coaching is part of our mission here at DCA™ and today we’re talking about how important it is that anyone calling themselves a divorce coach have the proper training and credentials.
If we want professional recognition and a seat at the table, we need to start raising the bar. And speaking of bar...recall that the American Bar Association recognizes divorce coaching as a form of alternative dispute resolution. Not advice-giving, advocacy, or consultancy. Not cheerleaders or positive psychology peddlers. And not life coaches.
We are ADR specialists. In order to call ourselves professional divorce coaches, we need to have rigorous training that includes both an ADR foundation and coaching frameworks, demonstrate competency under the guidance of a mentor coach, and adhere to a code of ethics and professional conduct.
One of the things that really muddies the waters in the world of divorce coaching is that there is no international, national or state certifying body. There are many training programs that provide varying levels and types of education, but no overseer that insures these programs align with the ABA ADR-based definition.
Trademarks, logos and taglines are great - but they only mean that a program or organization has protected their name legally, not that they've been granted any authority. And DCA™ does not intend to pursue ICF accreditation because we do not align with their general coaching competencies - more specific tools and skills are required for effective conflict resolution and work as an ADR practitioner.
We hope you'll join us on our mission to raise the bar on the professional practice of divorce coaching so we can all get a seat at the table.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Mediation is becoming more and more popular as a means for couples to negotiate their divorce and co-parenting agreements. And many courts are now requiring mediation before hearing or trial dates can be set. But clients who aren’t properly prepared for mediation often make common mistakes that are obstacles to successful negotiation. Today we want to talk about a few of these mistakes and how you, as a divorce coach, can help set your client up for a better mediation experience.
Mistake #1: Not understanding the process or the role of the mediator SOLUTION: Divorce coaches can help clients understand that the mediator is a neutral facilitator and their role is to provide a fair process, not a fair outcome. Clients don't need to "make their case" to the mediator or worry that the mediator will "like" their spouse better. We support our client to identify what kind of mediation process they want, participate in selection of the right mediator, and prepare for engaging effectively in the process.
Mistake #2: Letting emotions run the show SOLUTION: We support our client in developing skills that allow them to respond strategically rather than react emotionally including tools to tolerate distress. We work to help them focus on solutions and the future rather than problems and the past. And we do some reality testing around the idea of emotional justice.
Mistake #3: Being unprepared to negotiate SOLUTION: Divorce coaches can help clients identify underlying interests (both their own and those of the other party) to avoid engaging in positional bargaining. We assist with flexible thinking and proposal development and well as strategic language and decision making.
If you'd like to learn more about helping clients be more prepared for mediation, join the waitlist for the next session of Pre-Mediation Divorce Coach training - a 6-week intensive to get you ready to support clients through the process.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Ready for some straight talk about building a divorce coaching practice? Forget the overnight success stories you've seen on social media. The path to a thriving practice follows a predictable pattern that requires patience, consistency, and strategic action.
Tracy and Debra break down the four distinct phases every successful divorce coach navigates. The Foundation Phase (months 1-3) is all about behind-the-scenes work – establishing your niche, setting up systems, and creating your brand. Though clients aren't flooding in yet, this groundwork is essential. Next comes the Visibility Phase (months 3-9), where you're networking, creating content, and often feeling like you're "shouting into the void." This is where many coaches get discouraged, but perseverance during this period builds the trust and recognition that eventually leads to clients.
The Growth Phase (months 9-18) brings your first consistent clients and referrals but also requires you to think like a CEO. Systems need refinement, continuing education becomes crucial, and mentorship can accelerate your progress. Finally, the Scaling Phase (18+ months) is when things "really start to click" – your practice becomes sustainable, and you can explore group programs or digital offerings without burning out.
What makes this journey manageable? Community support, realistic expectations, and celebrating small wins along the way. Whether you're just starting out or somewhere along this path, remember that building a profitable practice is absolutely possible – just not overnight. What small step can you take today toward building your sustainable divorce coaching business?
Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
We talked last week about what can happen when new coaches get distracted by the latest market trends and shiny objects. This week, we want to continue the conversation and chat about the importance of ongoing professional development. Because growing a divorce coaching practice isn't easy and it's certainly not a one-time event.
A general rule of thumb is to allocate about 10% of your gross revenue to professional development. But keep in mind, that many continuing education expenses are tax-deductible for you if you're self-employed.
By continuing to expand your knowledge, you'll gain confidence and that will translate into a higher consult call conversion rate and raving client fans. Ongoing professional development allows you to dive deeper into areas of interest to help focus your programs and offerings. And expertise or additional certifications provide credibility and/or may allow you to raise your rates over time.
We hear many new coaches say that they can't afford to invest in continuing education because they're not making money yet. But there are tons of free or low cost ways to learn and grow. The ABA, APFM and AFCC all offer affordable memberships for divorce coaches and give you access to free webinars and resources. Your local or state court or bar association may be another source for low-cost or even free educational opportunities.
Not only will you expand your knowledge base, improve your coaching skills, and stay current with the trends in divorce, but you'll meet lots of other professionals that can be referral or collaboration partners.
Certification is just the first step, If you want to keep growing your business, you have to keep growing too.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Trying to decide where to start or what to do next when it comes to your business can feel overwhelming at times. It's easy to see the latest shiny trend and lose focus. Debra and Tracy discuss how to navigate this difficult process, how to simplify your approach, and how to know what's working in today's episode.
When it comes to trying to grow your business, we all tend to look for inspiration from people who are already where you want to be. The important word here though is INSPIRATION! Trying to do everything that person is doing is a surefire way to end up confused and tired.
KISS isn't just a great band, but a good reminder that sometimes less is more. I'm talking about "Keep It Simple Silly"!
It's easy to lose focus of your goal without a proper plan. It's like chucking spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks. How are you going to know what's making a difference in your business if you don't know which piece of spaghetti is making the impact?
A great practice to help with this is tracking your Key Performance Indicators (KPI's). Having data specific to each new approach you take will help you understand not only what's bringing in new clients, but how to better allocate your resources.
It's important to remember that new followers or business contacts does not equal new clients. Make sure that what you're doing with your business is bringing in NEW BUSINESS. Followers and contacts don't make you money!
Ask yourself this....are you just making yourself busy or are you getting results?
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
When clients punt responsibility for their divorce decisions to others, it's a recipe for regret and resentment. In today's episode, Tracy and Debra discuss why this happens, what the repercussions are for the client, and what you can do to help.
We get it. Clients beginning the divorce process are scared. There's so much they don't understand and many assume they simply go hire an attorney and that's all they need to do. Their attorney will protect them and work for their best interests.
Ah, but it isn't that simple. Abdicating responsibility for decision making to an attorney or other professional just leaves clients feeling confused, disempowered, frustrated, and angry. These are the people that feel victimized and are still talking about their divorce 5 or 10 years after the fact.
If a client wanted to remodel their kitchen, they wouldn't let their contractors set the budget, decide where to put the electrical outlets or choose the backsplash tile. Why are they so quick to hand their power over in divorce?
As a divorce coach, our job is to help our clients take back the reins. To support them in learning to use their voice, ask questions, communicate clearly and directly, and use their divorce team members as contractors. Certainly, they may need the assistance of attorneys or financial professionals for their expertise, but our client is the decision maker.
When you can support your client to stay engaged and be in charge of their own divorce, instead of punting that to someone else, they'll be able to make informed, intentional decisions. And that's a win.
You can learn more about DCA™ or find out about any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below: