Explore every episode of the podcast Come & Glow

"If you're saying yes and you mean no, you're just screwing yourself”

Everyone says communication is the key to better sex. Great. But…what does that actually look like when you're naked, vulnerable, worried about hurting someone's feelings, or not even sure what you want?

In this episode of Come & Glow, Lilly and Tolly take sexual communication out of theory and into three very real situations: duty sex (having sex because you feel like you should), navigating initiation and rejection, and realizing mid-sex that whatever you're doing just isn't working.

Because sexual communication isn't simply about talking more. It's about knowing yourself, paying attention to your partner, and—maybe most importantly—creating a relationship where both people can tell the truth.

• Why “just communicate” is pretty useless advice—and why so few of us have actually been shown what good sexual communication looks like
• Duty sex: why we say yes to sex we don't really want, and what obligation, validation, and emotional caretaking have to do with it
• The difference between consent and actually wanting to be there
• Why honoring a “no” may matter more to your future sex life than getting a “yes”
• The initiation/rejection loop—and why “Why doesn't my partner want me?” may be the wrong question
• What we're really asking for when we want our partner to initiate
• Spontaneous vs. responsive desire, and what happens when two very different desire styles collide
• The surprisingly useful 1–10 trick for talking about how open you are to sex without forcing a yes/no answer
• What to do when you're already having sex and realize you're just…not that into it
• Why “I don't know what I want, but this isn't working” is still communication
• The case for nonlinear sex: slowing down, stopping, changing course—and letting go of the idea that sex has to keep escalating toward a finish line
• Why losing your arousal (or your erection) doesn't have to mean the sex is over
• How much sexual communication happens without words—and whether we should be better at noticing it
• When horniness becomes your partner's responsibility
• Porn, masturbation, mutual masturbation, and all the ways desire can exist without requiring your partner to fulfill it
• And the bigger question underneath all three scenarios: Are you someone your partner can actually tell the truth to?

Can you be a deeply sexual person and a great mom at the same time?

Lilly and Tolly think the answer is an emphatic yes, and they're prepared to argue it loudly and unapologetically.

In this episode of Come & Glow, they tackle one of the last major taboos around female sexuality: the idea that motherhood and desire are somehow incompatible.

Why are we comfortable celebrating ambitious moms, career moms, and "super moms" — but still uncomfortable with mothers who want pleasure, intimacy, eroticism, and identities that extend beyond caregiving?

Lilly and Tolly explore how pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, parenting, and the mental load of motherhood reshape our relationships with our bodies and our desires and why reclaiming sexuality can be an important part of reclaiming ourselves.

Because becoming a mother shouldn't require disappearing as a woman.

• Whether motherhood and sexuality are actually in conflict or whether culture simply tells us they are.
• Feeling touched out, overstimulated, and disconnected from your body after becoming a parent.
• The difference between losing your sex life and losing your sexuality.
• Whether sexuality is inherently selfish, and whether that's actually a good thing.
• Carl Jung, resentment, and the "unlived life of the parent."
• Why many women feel pressure to become endlessly self-sacrificing after having children.
• Cardi B, Rihanna, and the celebrity moms creating new cultural scripts for motherhood and desire.
• The difference between duty sex and self-actualizing sex.
• Responsive desire, intentional intimacy, and reconnecting with pleasure after kids.
• How to model healthy conversations about bodies, consent, and boundaries for children.
• Why community, chosen family, and villages matter more than ever for modern parents.

Plus: Lilly and Tolly ask what might be the defining question of the episode:

Why do we celebrate boss moms, but not horny moms?

Maybe it's time for a new archetype entirely: not the self-sacrificing mother, not the "cool mom," not the virgin and not the vixen.

Just a whole person who happens to be a mom.

For decades, women have been told some version of the same story:

You're too much - too stressed, too busy, too hormonal, too complicated.

Maybe you just have a low libido?

But what if women don't have a desire problem at all?

What if we've simply inherited a version of sex, relationships, and culture that was never really designed with female pleasure in mind?

This week, Lilly and Tolly dive into one of the biggest myths in sexuality: the idea that women are naturally less sexual than men. From the surprisingly recent mapping of the clitoris to the emotional labor of modern relationships, they explore why so many women feel disconnected from desire and why the answer may have far less to do with hormones than we've been led to believe.

Along the way, they discuss hockey romance shows, Nicole Kidman's unforgettable orgasm scene in Babygirl, the weirdness of female pleasure on television, copyright law drama involving drag queen environmentalist Patty Gonia, and why "taking more time" might be the single best piece of sex advice anyone can give.

• The difference between depicting female pleasure and understanding it
• Why Off Campus felt emotionally safe but sexually sanitized
• What Babygirl gets so right about desire, awkwardness, and power
• Why women don't just want permission to orgasm—we want permission to be weird.

• Why sexual energy is often messy, animalistic, and a little ugly
• The difference between "hot" and "authentic"
• Why female pleasure often gets sanitized even by women creators
• The cultural discomfort around women taking up erotic space.

• Why so many women think they have low desire
• Are women broken, or have we been set up to fail?
• The orgasm gap, education gap, and empathy gap
• Why the clitoris wasn't fully mapped until 2009.

• The internal structure of the clitoris and why it matters
• Why arousal is more than "finding the clit"
• What female erections are and why they're important
• Why so many women have spent years having sex before they were physically ready for it.

• Why caretaking can crush desire
• The emotional custodianship many women inherit in relationships
• Motherhood, burnout, and losing your sense of self
• Why feeling supported changes what happens in the bedroom.

• Why women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s are changing the conversation
• Menopause, pleasure, and reclaiming sexuality
• The surprising fact about the clitoris after menopause
• Why sexual energy isn't the same thing as reproduction.

1. Take more time.
2. Pay more attention.

That's it. That's the list.

Lilly's "villain origin story" started when she realized she'd spent nearly a decade having sex without orgasming, and that mainstream porn wasn't helping solve the problems she was actually experiencing.

So what are women missing?

Drawing from afterglow customer research, surveys, Reddit, and years spent talking to women about sex, Lilly and Tolly unpack the five biggest gaps showing up in women's sex lives...and why they're about so much more than technique.

From the orgasm gap and communication breakdowns to stress, body confidence, and the universal desire to feel wanted, this episode explores what actually creates great sex: emotional safety, presence, self-awareness, and authentic connection.

Plus: Lilly introduces afterglow's new Aura Framework - a new way to understand desire based not on acts or labels, but on the emotional experiences we're actually craving.

1. The Orgasm Gap

• Why the orgasm gap isn't just about anatomy
• The surprising difference between solo and partnered pleasure
• Why caring may matter more than technique
• The emotional impact of feeling like your pleasure matters—or doesn't

2. Communication Breakdowns

• Why talking about sex can feel terrifying—even in long-term relationships
• The importance of emotional safety and true consent
• How "no" can actually deepen trust and intimacy
• Why great lovers pay attention, not just perform

3. Body Knowledge & Body Confidence

• Why self-education is one of the sexiest things you can do
• The difference between body ignorance and body insecurity
• How self-awareness shapes sexual confidence
• Why knowing what you want changes everything

4. Stress & Presence

• Why stress is one of the biggest inhibitors of desire
• Sexuality, survival mode, and Maslow's hierarchy of needs
• The surprising relationship between playfulness and desire
• How nervous system regulation changes intimacy

5. Feeling Desired

• Why almost everyone wants to feel lusted after
• The psychology of feeling wanted
• Why chemistry isn't about conventional attractiveness
• The difference between being attractive and feeling desired

Lilly shares afterglow's new framework for understanding desire through four emotional dimensions:

• Authenticity: raw ↔ idealized
• Presence: embodied ↔ objectified
• Communication: implicit ↔ explicit
• Connection: tender ↔ wild

Together, these dimensions create your unique erotic "Aura"—because what turns us on isn't just what happens, but how it feels.

• Why self-awareness may be the sexiest trait of all
• Dating apps vs. real-life chemistry
• Why younger people are returning to in-person dating
• Chemistry versus erotic compatibility
• Why emotional dynamics matter more than specific acts

• Great sex starts with feeling safe, seen, and desired.
• Self-awareness is one of the sexiest qualities a person can have.
• Desire isn't just physical—it's emotional, relational, and deeply contextual.
• The best lovers aren't mind readers; they're attentive, curious, and willing to communicate.
• Understanding what you want is the first step toward getting it.

As AI-generated content floods our feeds and curated perfection dominates social media, many of us are feeling an unexpected hunger: the desire for something real.

In this episode, Lilly and Tolly explore authenticity in porn, attraction, relationships, and everyday life. They discuss why energetic chemistry often matters more than physical appearance, what AI can and can't replicate, and why sex may be one of the most honest reflections of who we are.

The conversation spans everything from erotic authenticity and addictive scrolling to sex positivity, attraction outside of monogamy, parental sexuality, and the four pillars of great sex. Along the way, Lilly and Tolly make the case that becoming a better lover isn't about performing—it's about becoming more fully yourself.

• Why AI may never fully replicate human erotic energy
• The difference between stimulation and genuine connection
• Dead Internet Theory and the growing premium on real-world experiences
• Why people may increasingly seek embodied, authentic erotic content

• Why our sex lives often reflect our emotional lives
• How stress, self-awareness, and personal growth influence desire
• The relationship between pleasure, healing, and creativity
• Why eroticism extends far beyond sex itself

• Porn, social media, group chats, and our collective dopamine problem
• The difference between numbing and mindful pleasure
• Creating healthy boundaries around technology and erotic content
• Why balance may be more powerful than prohibition

• Physical attractiveness versus energetic attractiveness
• Why confidence, curiosity, and self-awareness are incredibly sexy
• How attraction to other people can reveal hidden parts of ourselves
• Rethinking jealousy, insecurity, and monogamy through a more compassionate lens

• Why mothers who openly enjoy sex occupy a fascinating cultural space
• The tension between selflessness and desire in parenthood
• The under-discussed topic of dads, porn, and male sexuality
• How becoming a parent reshapes erotic identity

Lilly shares afterglow's framework for understanding erotic preferences:

• Authenticity: candid ↔ idealized
• Connection: tender ↔ wild
• Communication: implicit ↔ explicit
• Presence: embodied ↔ objectified

The goal isn't to stay at one end of the spectrum—it's to recognize that our desires shift with mood, context, and stage of life.

• Great sex starts with self-awareness.
• Authenticity is often more attractive than perfection.
• Curiosity may be one of the sexiest traits a person can have.
• Attraction is fluid, complex, and deeply personal.
• The future of sexuality may be more human, embodied, and connected than ever before.

Most of us grew up believing that some people are naturally good at sex, and some people just aren't.

But what if that's completely wrong?

In this episode, Lilly and Tolly unpack one of the biggest myths in modern sexuality: the idea that being a great lover is something that simply happens because of hotness and/or chemistry. Instead, they argue that great sex has far less to do with performance or technique and far more to do with emotional intelligence, presence, curiosity, and the ability to create a vibe.

From the Gottmans' famous six-second kiss to dry humping, eye contact during oral, and why emotional safety might be the sexiest thing of all, this conversation explores what actually creates chemistry in and out of the bedroom.

They also dive into why afterglow was built differently: not just to turn people on, but to help them become more thoughtful, observant, and connected lovers.

• Why chemistry with one person doesn't automatically translate to chemistry with another
• The difference between sexual confidence and sexual skill
• Why "good at sex" means something different to every partner
• The danger of relying on one gear or one sexual script for every encounter

• The Gottmans' six-second kiss and why it works
• Why lingering eye contact can completely change the energy between two people
• How slowing down creates tension, anticipation, and chemistry
• Why presence is often more important than technique

• Why creating a "container" for intimacy might not be so woo-woo after all
• How mood, intention, and emotional presence shape desire
• Why Afterglow focuses on atmosphere and psychology—not just sexual acts
• The surprising connection between creativity and eroticism

• Why sex doesn't need to follow the same sequence every time
• Breaking out of the kiss → foreplay → penetration routine
• How expanding your menu of experiences creates novelty and excitement
• Why great sex is nonlinear and conversational

• Why emotional intelligence is the foundation of great sex
• The importance of true yeses, true nos, and taking responsibility for your own pleasure
• Creating a shared language with your partner around touch and desire
• Why consent and dirty talk may be more connected than we think

• Dry humping is wildly underrated
• Try eye contact during oral
• Use your hands intentionally, they change the entire mood
• Touch your own body during partnered intimacy
• Experiment with toys as a form of play, not performance

• Why men's insecurities deserve more compassion
• What heterosexual relationships can learn from queer communities
• The limits of rigid gender roles
• Why self-awareness may be the sexiest trait of all

• Great sex is less about performance and more about presence.
• Chemistry is something you create together.
• Emotional intelligence is an underrated aphrodisiac.
• You don't need more techniques—you need more range.
• The best lovers are curious, observant, and willing to communicate.

Lilly Sparks is the founder of afterglow, an ethical porn platform designed to help people have more pleasurable, connected sex.

Tolly Moseley is a writer, cultural critic, and former Editorial Director at Sex with Emily.

This week on Come & Glow, Lilly and Tolly dive into one of afterglow's newest films, Active Wear—a playful, chemistry-filled ode to dry humping, teasing, and all the sexy moments that happen before sex follows the usual script.

From there, the conversation spirals (in the best way) into Victorian romance, Lindy West, toxic literary heartthrobs, polyamory discourse, AI relationships, and why so many of us are searching for connection in a world increasingly designed for distraction.

Along the way, they explore a recurring theme: maybe the hottest part of sex isn't the act itself...it's the tension, playfulness, vulnerability, and emotional energy underneath it.

• Why Lilly considers it her favorite Afterglow film in years
• The challenge of creating porn that feels like a film vs. just a series of sex acts
• How the team used afterglow's four pillars of Authenticity, Communication, Connection, & Presence
• Why "friends who fuck" chemistry feels so different from traditional porn
• The surprising erotic power of dry humping
• Why sex doesn't need to follow the traditional "bases" progression
• The importance of couples orgasming at different times instead of chasing simultaneous climax

• Why teasing often creates more desire than immediate gratification
• The "in-between moments" most porn leaves out
• How touch, pacing, anticipation, and play create connection
• Why varying your sexual routine can be more exciting than trying something extreme

• Lilly's take on Catherine's impossible choice between survival and love
• Why Victorian heroines didn't have the options modern women do
• Whether Heathcliff's toxicity gets softened for modern audiences
• Why cheating scenes often feel so erotically charged
• The uncomfortable truth that danger and desire are often intertwined

• Why Lindy West's polyamorous relationship has sparked such strong reactions online
• The difference between criticizing polyamory and criticizing a specific partner
• Why audiences feel so protective of Lindy
• Memoirs, messy lives, and the internet's desire to rescue people
• What healthy threesomes can teach us about inclusion, attention, and emotional balance

• Can AI help people practice relationship skills?
• Where emotional support ends and dependency begins
• Why ChatGPT often feels like a mirror rather than a relationship
• What happens when artificial connection starts replacing human connection
• How technology is increasing our hunger for emotional intelligence

• Feedback afterglow receives from male viewers
• Why many men are looking for guidance, not just stimulation
• How porn can help people explore fantasies without acting on them
• Why the emotional meaning behind a kink often matters more than the act itself
• The difference between searching for behaviors and searching for feelings

• Desire thrives on tension, anticipation, and play.
• The hottest moments are often the ones between the obvious sexual acts.
• Emotional intelligence may become our most valuable relationship skill.
• Most people aren't looking for a technique, they're looking for a feeling.

When most people hear the word porn, they don’t think intimacy, artistry, or connection. They think shame, addiction, exploitation, or something they’re not supposed to want.

In this episode, Lilly Sparks (founder of afterglow) and Tolly Moseley (author of Submit Here) unpack why porn has become such a loaded word, how modern porn culture often mirrors the worst parts of the internet, and why that doesn’t mean erotic content itself is the problem.

They explore what happens when we separate desire from shame, why women’s pleasure has been sidelined for so long, and how reimagining porn through emotion and real pleasure can transform the way we experience sex.

This is a conversation about porn, yes. But it’s also about bodies, conditioning, relationships, and the freedom that comes from wanting what you want.

• Why the word porn triggers such a strong reaction in so many people
• Why it gets judged differently than social media, junk food, or other unhealthy habits
• The real reason stories and emotions make sex scenes so much hotter
• Why Lilly created the porn she wished existed
• The making of Lip Service, afterglow’s first film centered on cunnilingus and de-centering penetration
• Why receiving pleasure can feel vulnerable, especially for women
• Toys, anatomy, and the truth about what many women actually need to orgasm
• Why tension, teasing, and anticipation matter more than rushing to the finish line
• What straight culture teaches us about desire, pursuit, and gender roles
• Why queer communities often model deeper sexual self-awareness
• The myths people believe about performers and sex workers
• Why men’s desire deserves a healthier conversation too
• How shame disconnects all of us from our bodies

• Great sex starts in the nervous system, not just the genitals.
• Wanting something you don’t have is often the essence of turn-on.
• Porn doesn’t have to be empty, degrading, or addictive. It can be art.
• Better sex requires curiosity, self-awareness, and honesty.

Lilly Sparks is the founder of afterglow, an ethical porn platform for women and couples who want better sex.

Tolly Moseley is a sexual wellness writer, former Editorial Director of Sex with Emily and Author of Submit Here on Substack.

Ethical porn that turns you on — and teaches you how to have better sex.

Welcome to the very first episode of Come & Glow — where we talk about pop culture and sex the way we actually experience it. Messy? Tender? Funny? Yup: us too.

In this episode, Lilly Sparks (founder of afterglow) and Tolly Moseley (former Editorial Director of Sex with Emily) dive into the cultural obsession that can't stop/won't stop, Heated Rivalry. Yes, the Canadian hockey romance still has all of us losing our godd*mn minds.

We talk about what makes this show so addictive: the emotional safety, the slow burn, the female gaze, and the rare on-screen combo of explicit sex + genuine tenderness. More pls.

1. Why Heated Rivalry feels like a cultural moment (dare we say, a healing moment)
2. Ilya' “safe dom” energy (and why attention is the real kink)
3. The false binary many of us grew up with: hot sex = dangerous and safe love = boring
4. How the show nails the female gaze (it’s not about bodies — it’s about faces)
5. Queer joy in hyper-masculine spaces
6. The edits + cinematography details that make this show feel smarter than it needs to be
7. The relationship dynamic shift from intimidation-fucking to “are you okay?”
8. A PSA for the people: lube. Where is the lube?
9. The real reason fantasies can feel threatening in monogamy (and how to talk about them without detonating your relationship)
10. The “unconscious coddling” dynamic many couples fall into
11. A spicy closing takeaway: maybe your relationship would improve if you acted a little more divorced

Do you think safety is more of a turn-on…

or is danger more of a turn-on?

We’re choosing between:

1. Come & Glow
2. The Afters (a podcast about what lingers after sex: feelings, questions, laughter, and the quiet truths we don’t always say out loud)

Drop your vote + your pun suggestions.

Lilly Sparks is the founder of afterglow, an ethical porn platform for women and couples who want to have better sex.

Tolly Mosley is the former Editorial Director of Sex with Emily, and authors the popular Substack Submit Here, exploring human connection.

Ethical porn that turns you on — and teaches you how to have better sex.