Shifting our approach to feedback
In my recent conversation with mindset coach, Margaret Jennings (MJ), our conversation started with the emotional rollercoaster created by feedback—especially when you're early in your career. Feedback, both positive and negative, is useful but can also result in a wild ride. MJ once described herself as a “floundering high achiever” in her 20s. She is a more grounded and self-aware leader today. Her insights are both relatable and instructive.
Like many of us I’m sure, she once heavily relied on external validation. She was on top of her game when feedback was positive, but when it turned critical, it felt like failure. This is something that likely resonates with a lot of high achievers. Her sense of self-worth was tied to what others thought about her accomplishments, whether in school or sports. In many ways, this made her successful in the short term, but it came at the cost of long-term fulfillment.
She explained that it’s natural to want to please those around us—whether it’s parents, teachers, or coaches. After all, as babies, this is how we secure food, love, and safety. But the problem comes when we carry this strategy too far into adulthood, to the point where our identity is solely built around what others think of us. This approach eventually leads to burnout and can limit our potential for growth and happiness.
Consider the mental gymnastics we all do when we receive feedback. It reminded me of the challenge of a good golf swing: You can’t perform well if you are overanalyzing every aspect of it all the time. Margaret agreed and said her turning point came when she started working with a mental performance coach. This coach helped her realize that her value didn’t have to come from others' opinions; instead, she could generate her own sense of worth internally. That shift in thinking transformed the way she performed, both in work and in life.
Building a relationship with yourself
MJ brought up the concept of building a relationship with oneself: We’re constantly in a dialogue with ourselves, and it’s crucial to make that relationship a positive one. Through practices like journaling, meditation, and self-reflection, we can learn to identify and understand our own needs and desires, leading to a more balanced and sustainable approach to both work and life. Looking back at my own life, there was a time when I had a few ideas about a career path but was relying a lot on others’ expectations and evaluations of my abilities to show me the way. It took a long time to move past that.
I asked Margaret about how she specifically changed the way she talked to herself, and her response was insightful. She noted that awareness is key—you need to recognize the quality of your self-talk. Is it positive and affirming, or is it critical and self-defeating? She likened this to any relationship, explaining that you need to invest time and energy into yourself just as you would with a friend or partner. You’d have a difficult time building a positive relationship with anyone else if you were constantly critical of them.
It strikes me that adopting a growth mindset is your ticket off of the emotional rollercoaster. You no longer see constructive feedback as a personal attack but as an opportunity for growth. This mindset shift is vital, especially for high achievers who can often fall into the trap of seeing any criticism as a sign of failure.
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Embracing uncertainty
MJ talked about the importance embracing uncertainty, something that has been on my mind lately, and her thoughts on it really hit home. Our constant search for certainty is often counterproductive because so much of life is inherently unpredictable. Instead, we should focus on what we can control and accept that not everything will go perfectly. It’s about shifting from an all-or-nothing mentality—where you're either a success or a failure—to a more nuanced view where growth and learning happen over time. (If you’ve been a listener for a while you know how much I love long-term thinking!)
I think we waste a lot of time and energy trying to control things that are not in our power to control or trying to predict things that we do not have the capacity to predict.
So, our focus is such a limited resource, that if we have the choice to allow it to be consumed by things we can't control, which is going to fuel anxiety and overwhelm, or we can choose to look at this situation and say, okay, realistically, what can I control here in terms of having impact and creating clarity? Then we're able to make more progress forward.
We also touched on expectations and career transitions. This is where the growth mindset can make a huge difference for you. First of all, growth is about trying new things, stepping into new roles. It occurs to me that being ready for a new position and being good or great at it are two points on the curve. Our expectations for our performance at the beginning need to be realistic and not necessarily at the level of someone who did that job for 3-5 years.
Being ready means you have the tools and are able to grow (there’s that word again) into the role. Of course you will get better at it over time. For example, MJ is a hockey player. She described the excitement of lacing up her skates and getting on the ice for the first time. She pointed out that if she didn’t expect to fall on her face before learning how to do crossovers and stop and start, it would have been difficult to achieve any success.
You may have noticed I’ve been thinking and talking about culture within organizations a lot lately. It occurs to me that we each create a culture within ourselves that affects our ability to perform in any role we take on (leader, parent, contributor etc). MJ’s advice goes a long way toward helping us ensure that is a supportive and growth oriented one that will lead to our success.
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