Explore every episode of the podcast Bible Stories for Atheists

Previous version of this episode was sped up. This should be better.

Revelation starts heating up with the Four Horsemen, the Seven Seals, and the 144,000. There's probably more to say. I could talk about how funny we are, but that would be vain. I could talk about how funny you are, but that would be pandering. Maybe we could just pretend I had more interesting things to say here. 

You know who wouldn't unleash the Seven Seals on humanity? Arthur Morgan. I think that makes him better than Jesus.

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

We finally dig into the book of Revelation! I'd say more but I'm posting this late and screw it I'm just getting this posted.

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

In our exploration of the evolution of the end times through the bible we have breached the thin gossamer layer betwixt the testaments old and slightly less old. So we're talking about Jesus stuff again.

What did Paul, who was writing decades before the first gospel was written, think was going to happen in the end times? And also, sure, what did the gospels say? And also, sure, what do we think about all of that? These are all extremely good questions that almost certainly will be answered by listening to this very week's episode.

I'm not phoning in these descriptions. YOU ARE!

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

Better late than never! Here's the rest of the book of Daniel in all it's "glory". 

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

We start the book of Daniel. A book full of meaningful insights into what it means to think of the mind of God... or some confusing bullshit that made people feel smart by buying a scroll instead of giving a hungry guy some food. Oh yeah, just the fact they bought the scroll that the bible is based on pisses me off now. This is how militant atheism starts!

The writers of Daniel pretended to foretell the future. And Christians today pretend they were talking about people they weren't. That's it! 

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

Ok folks. We've said it before, but we really mean it this time, this is going to be a messed up one. 

We're covering the book of Ezekiel and it is NOT light reading. It is weird. It is violent. It is a little kinky. 

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

Happy Mother's day!

To celebrate, we continue digging into the end times by going through the book of Isaiah. How does this book define the end times? There is probably more to say about this episode but it's not coming to me so here we are.

By the way, we recorded these first few episodes a little while ago. We don't mention it but we are seeing your messages and comments welcoming us back. Thank you!

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

We're back! And we're going through the bible books chronologically from when they were written to see how the concept of "THE END TIMES" evolves. Because, big surprise, the bible is very inconsistent with what "THE END TIMES" means. 

In this episode we cover the books of Amos, Hosea, and Micah and we try to figure out what "the day of the lord" is supposed to mean.

Stay tuned every other Sunday for a new episode.

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

What's up! We just wanted to check in for no particular reason whatsoever. Definitely doesn't have to do with the fist of christian nationalist fascism choking the puppy of democracy. 

Where do we go from here? What role, if any, does this show have in the discussion? Does Josh's voice give you the naughty tingles? All these questions and more will be asked and answered and promptly forgotten.

Sources:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesus_and_the_woman_taken_in_adultery

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

Welcome to the season finale! Creation is over and it's all down hill from here. We find out that Abraham wasn't the best dad. At least until he gets his son laid! That's the best way to make up for the whole sacrifice thing.

Thank you for listening! Hopefully you learned something, even if it was how much of dumbasses we are. We'll be back soon, eventually, sometime.

Get registered to vote! https://register.rockthevote.com

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

You think you have it hard? You think you have bad neighbors? You think you have family problems? 

Well, I'm Lot. A mild mannered sodomite that never bothered anyone. And I was a proud sodomite. I sought to unite sodomites in love and acceptance! To reject all the awful crap God told us to do to people. That's what us sodomites are known for. Radical love and acceptance of all. Until a couple angels from the Lord show up and everything went to hell.

First my town suddenly developed a sex fueled rage aimed directly at my house, then my wife ghosted me! Next thing you know I'm kicked out with my two daughters. It's not easy being a single father of two. So sure, I drink some times. But I drink to cope. 

And, yes, I black out on occasion but I never let it get out of hand. And thankfully my daughters are old enough to take care of themselves and don't need me to always be the sober strong one. They're good girls after all. Maybe a little weird since their mom left and God killed everyone they knew including their boyfriends. But who wouldn't be messed up from that? 

I can't wait to one day read the scriptures myself and see my daughters memorialized as the pure angels they are. And hopefully they never take revenge on me for offering to throw them to a mob of rapists.

As for me, I want this simple adage written on my tombstone to help others with their own grief: "Lot's had lots of loss in his life but learned leaning on laughter leads to loving living." 

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

Sorry, in a rush this week. You'll have to make up your own funny quips and pretend they're in this description. 

On this week's episode:
- Tower of Babel
- We meet Abram/Abraham
- A big piece of evidence that Moses didn't write Genesis.
- The War of the Nine Kings
- And we read an email from friend of the show, Dwight

For the flood story with the sources highlighted, check out this page: https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com/resources/bible-history

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

Have you given YOUR firstlings to the Lord? If you don't, your brother might and then where will you be? No regard from the Lord. How are you going to make it in this world without the Lord's regard? You'll end up stripping at Jezaballs for Chucky Cheese tokens!

And we let the flood pour over us. Turns out there are two completely different flood stories in the bible and most people don't realize it. Speaking of which, you should check out this video for more Flood Facts (trademark).

"The Pre-Biblical Origins of Noah's Flood" by ReligionForBreakfast
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qw13SadIPOs

For the flood story with the sources highlighted, check out this page: https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com/resources/bible-history

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

In the beginning, we'll lay out the building blocks of our 6000 year old universe. And explain that hard, blue shell up there that gets dark at night when you can see the holes in it, or what "NASA" calls "stars".

And we talk about the first people. The lab rats in this odd experiment gone horribly infallible. Turns out not knowing right and wrong leads to sinning. Now that we know that, we must permanently punish the lab rats and their descendants forever. That's science.

Eve made his pull out game weak and here we are. And Linz just texted me that food is done so this description is too. 

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

New 5 episode series coming every Sunday starting August 4th. We'll be covering the first half of Genesis. Insert witty jokes here. Too much crap to do today to do it myself. 

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

Hey folks! For our episode today we're changing things up. We're going to be switching to a more "seasonal" model. The plan is we'll get a few episodes lined up around a theme and put them out weekly. So that's the plan, but you should still listen to the episode because we're really funny when we explain it. Like funnier than I was when I just explained it, which wasn't really funny at all.

Also, we got a great message from a listener named Patience!

"You're beautiful." - James Blunt

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

This is a special episode with two special guests. Ministers Bendr Bones and Luis Cypher, co-heads of the Satanic Temple - West Michigan.

Recently, they made news by having the AUDACITY to deliver the opening invocation at an Ottawa County board meeting. And when the Ottawa County board were forced to allow the invocation local Christians lost their damn minds.

Invocation Video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7kkBj0mnVM

Overflow Room Video:
https://twitter.com/leftofcentermi/status/1782911971936870781

https://thesatanictemple.com/
https://www.facebook.com/WestMichiganTST/
https://twitter.com/SatanicMichigan

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

We read a selection of Psalms suggested by AI to figure out if this ancient book of songs holds up to the hype.

It doesn't.

Despite Josh's warnings that we might find the material repetitive and dull, we plunge ahead with open minds, only to discover that the Psalms are boring as Pshit. 

I don't have anything more to say about it. Why don't YOU have something to say about it?! Huh!?

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

The kingdom of Israel splits into two separate nations after the death of King Solomon. His son Rehoboam ascends to the throne and when the people ask him to not be a dick like his dad. But his friends goad him into doubling down on his dickishness. He should have listened to Nancy Reagan and just said no to peer pressure!

So Jeroboam comes back from Egypt to take control of the northern kingdom of Israel while Rehoboam maintains control of the southern kingdom of Judah (oh yeah, and Benjamin).

And Jeroboam decides to make some golden calves. Why would he do that? Didn't he know golden calves are bad? Does he not read his scriptures? Or is there something else going on here? Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Is that like a medical condition? Are you giving off avian pheromones or something? You should get that checked out.

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

David FINALLY kicks the bucket, but before he does, the good, upright King David, who loved and obeyed God unlike any other king, gives his son a kill list. And boy does Solomon tick off those boxes with gusto.

It's a bloody start to the peaceful reign of Solomon. Solomon who had to be the one to build the temple because of all the bloodshed by his father. Weird... 

God grants Solomon a wish and Solomon asks for wisdom and immediately regrets not wishing for more wishes. 

Solomon is then so wise that he starts handling parental custody disputes. But is he actually wise or is he insane?

"Jesus is a biscuit. Let him sop you up." - Latrice Royale

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

“Was the Gospel of John Changed to Suppress Mary Magdalene?” by ReligionForBreakfast – https://youtu.be/rfy6oiB_U-A

Crucifying Tony Stark – https://youtu.be/V9_AeLmuRKc?t=120

Turns out Jesus wants us to #TaxTheRich! At least that’s what he tells some Pharisee’s who try to trap him by asking one question and giving up.

Also, Jesus is asked important questions such as if a woman clearly kills 7 brothers, all of whom she married, which one will she be married to at the resurrection.

Resurrection? As in when we die we don’t actually go to heaven? Wtf? Did Jesus say that we don’t go to heaven?

Jesus brings down the vibe by reminding everyone that the temple is going to be destroyed. But he seems to get it confused with the end times.

We finally discuss the story of Lazarus, the real one, the one that ACTUALLY gets resurrected. And we dig into the confusion around was Mary and Martha there or just Mary?

There’s a cinematic version of jewish leaders plotting to kill Jesus. And we circle back to the Palm Sunday to actually explain where the palm trees come from.

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

We kick off 1 Kings by only talking about the first chapter. We've heard the Chronicles' version of Solomon becoming king but now we'll learn the King's version which is very different.

The Succession drama is real as David gets sickly and curls up with a pretty young virgin. His oldest son for some reason thinks he's going to be the next king and tries to gather support by throwing a feast. Meanwhile, Solomon's mom convinces David to make Solomon king.

And we hear from some Christian pastors on what these ancient government documents mean to your personal life choices today.

Hope you enjoyed your VD!

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

Oh boy! Is this a great episode if you love vague quantities of precious metals and stones. And the names! Oh the names of it all!

We're blowing through the ingredients for a temple and plowing right into Solomon skipping the line to be king and David dying. All completely without incident. At least according to the book of Chronicles.

Oh yeah! And the bible talks about aliens! We're pretty sure an ET cult has to exist because of this verse.

Sorry, I feel like I just keep talking about me. How are you doing?

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

We dig elbow deep into a steaming pile of contradictions, curiosities, and constipated commentary. The unerring bible seems to glitch out on us. The all knowing, all powerful author had an apparent brain fart.

2 Samuel 24 and 1 Chronicles 21 tell the same story but with some pretty significant differences. Like for example, if the bible is in fact perfect, we are left with the only obvious conclusion that God and Satan are the same person. I mean, we never do see them in the same place at the same time. And if God just took off His glasses He sure would look a lot like Satan. Also, He would be beautiful and Zack would definitely win the bet with his friends when he takes God to prom. 

And we get into the stuff Christian authorities make up to explain it away. So that's a hoot. 

Anyone else notice how Xmas just comes way too early in the winter? It's supposed to be the high point but lately it's before we even get our first snow (thanks global warming!). And then it's over and we get dumped on and there's nothing to look forward to for like 3 months! I say we move Xmas to March. So when you're freezing your Marys' and Josephs' off through January and February you have Xmas in March to look forward to. God's perfect plan, my ass!

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

Fresh off overthrowing his son fresh off overthrowing him, David deals with a dick dividing his domain to dogshit. 

- Sheba gets the northern kingdom to split from David, but of course that doesn't last long.
- David incredibly has a need to kill even more descendants of Saul. 
- MOAR GIANTS!!1!
- And some politically charged poetry

Hearts and kisses, my dear. Hearts. And kisses.

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

Happy holidays all you war on CHRISTmas warriors! 

We're kicking back and watching  that time honored 2017 classic Christmas movie, The Case for Christ. Based on the book of the same name, this follows former "journalist" Lee Strobel as he proves that the path to Christianity is paved with stupid questions.

Oh yes, it makes complete sense when you set out on a quest to disprove Christianity to only focus on one part of the claim.  Ignore the Old Testament. Ignore the inconsistent theology. Yes. That's how good of a reporter he is.

Anyway, my mom, Jill, joins us and we had a lot of fun recording this. 

Hope you all are doing well and having a good time over the holidays! Yo Saturnalia! 

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

We continue our series on Acts starting with a story about a Sorcerer named Simon. 

A guy named Philip meets an unnamed Ethiopian eunuch who is really into a prophesy that Philip completely gets wrong. Also it turns out Christians can teleport.

We have a real Saul on the road to Damascus moment, when we talk about Saul on the road to Damascus.

We talk about the most important woman to never get any attention in bible.

And Herod dies at the end in a really crazy way.

Sorry, just kinda throwing this summary together this week.

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

We kick off our series on the book of Acts and start with yet another telling of the ascension of Jesus. Slightly different from Luke but very different from the other gospels.

Judas gets replaced.

The Holy Spirit comes on everyone at the Pentecost! Lapping up their loins with tongues of fire.

And the early church starts getting persecuted simply for yelling at everyone that they killed Jesus.

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

David's been kicked out of his kingdom by his son and returns to the wilderness. Luckily his son seems to have really bad advisors.

We get some crazy propaganda. As always.

And the feud between David and his son is resolved. David definitely had nothing to do with it.

This is our last episode for about a month and a half and I'm just ready to be done with this episode description. But Happy Thanksgiving! Unless you're Native American, then we're sorry. And Yo Saturnalia! 

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

Ugh uhhh ugh. Ughg ghgggh uggghhh ughg guhg. Ugh ghhhgh ugh God ughg. Ugh ugh ghgugh ugh bible bullshit.

Ughg ugh uhghghg ghg ugh. Ugh gugh ugh David. Ugh ugh ghgugh fucked up rich kids.

Ughghghg ugh ghughg ugh runs like a wuss. Ugh gghgu ugh gugh incest rape. Ugh ghgh uguhg the speaker of the national house of representatives gets his moral guidance from this book.

Ugh. Just fucking ugh.

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

Welp, talk about a roller coaster. We start with David getting God's promise to have a descendant on the throne forever (fingers likely crossed), to adultery, murder and divine infanticide. But dudes in dresses reading children's books, that's the problem?

It's the story of Bathsheba. And by the story of Bathsheba, I mean she was present for some events that David was pretty much doing. 

Finally, we discover, yet again, that the God of the bible has no problem with abortion. 

Queue up the Leonard Cohen, and sink your ear teeth into our podcast cake.

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

Like with all the other enemies of David, things really fall apart for Saul's son, Ishbaal.  I won't spoil anything but he dies and David becomes king of the entire land of Israel and Judah. 

 We start really getting into 1 Chronicles and talk about where the book came from and the differences with the books of Samuel and Kings.

We find out that David really can't stand the blind and lame. Therefore, he wants his people to attack the Jebusites by climbing up a well. That's the kind of reasoning the bible contains.

David gets jiggy wit it big Willie style. 

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

We kick off 2 Samuel with David "mourning" for his dead "friends" that he "didn't have killed". 

And actually immediately we start with a completely different version of how Saul died. Which kicks off the bullshit parade of David being absolutely perfect and having no malice for his enemies who just happen to keep dropping dead as soon as he leaves the room.

It turns out Saul had another son who didn't die on the battle field, named Ishbaal. We start seeing Ishbaal wasn't really the fighting type, at least as far as the writer wants us to think. But while David is crowned king of the southern kingdom of Judah, Ishbaal is crowned king of the the northern kingdom of Israel.

But it doesn't take long for Abner, Saul's commander, to turn on Ishbaal. Which works out great for him. Also, David demands to have his first wife, Ishbaal's sister, returned to his possession and she is, much to her current husband's lament. 

Toodles!

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

Between Linz having a migraine and our self isolating due to a COVID exposure, this episode was doomed to be amazing. 

This is the third installment of our 4 part series on the Book of Acts and it starts with a freakin' wizard! A wizard named Bar-wait for it-Jesus! In the middle of cursing the wizard, Saul changes his name to Paul and will never be called by his dead name again.

We find out Jesus' preferred penises. There's some trouble in paradise when Mark (last name Ono, we're guessing) drives a wedge between Barnabas (who I guess is John Lennon in this analogy) and Paul (guess which Beatle he is). Next thing you know, their little band breaks up. 

Paul contends with the UNKNOWN GOD. He literally kills a guy with boredom. And then decides he's going back to Jerusalem.

It's a high energy, high octane, high on Jesus episode!

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

We're taking a break from the bible to learn a little about some ancient superstitions. Well, OTHER ancient superstitions.

Have you ever had a baby give you menacing grimace? Has an ex-lover given you a chilling side-eye? Have you ever been some where in public and possibly had someone look at you even without your knowledge? THEN YOU MAY BE CURSED! But don't worry. I have a charm to sell you that can take it away. It's called a Hamsa Hand and it blocks the Evil Eye.

This superstition soaked into the Jewish, Christian, Islam, Hindu and pagan religious beliefs. Where did it come from and why is everyone so scared of it? 

No really, I'm asking. Because we don't know.

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

We wrap up the book of 1 Samuel and even though Samuel has been dead for a while he's not going to let that stop him from showing up in his own book.

David's town gets raided but luckily the raiders are much better people than David is. They leave all the women and children alive when they take them. Then David shows up to take them back and kills all of their people. But at least he's not a dick to the folks watching the purses while they're gone!

And Saul comes to a tragic end in battle. Weirdly he dies in battle with the people David has been hanging out with for a while. Hmmm...

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

David goes on the run from Saul! Ducking his attempts to capture him and living life as a fugitive. Just like that Harrison Ford movie. What was it called? Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull?

Good thing for Saul, when David gets a chance to kill him he chooses not to. And Saul sees the errors of his ways, forgiving David for the wrong doing he didn't do and let's him go. 

Good thing for Saul, when David gets a chance to kill him he chooses not to. And Saul sees the errors of his ways, forgiving David for the wrong doing he didn't do and let's him go. 

See how annoying it is when stories repeat?

Also, Samuel dies. Like the guy who the book is named after. But let's not dwell on that.

And Lindsay insists that women are not fruit. Josh is dubious. 

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

BREAKING NEWS: Saul sours on short sultry servant, David!

See! I could have written headlines during bible times. 

Talk about a short honeymoon period. David gets done killing Goliath and immediately some school girls come up with a jump rope song about David killing more people than Saul. So Saul gets all agro and starts throwing spears around willy nilly.

Meanwhile, David finds love with Saul's son, Jonathan. Unfortunately, Jonathan seems like he must be prettier than he is smart. He comes up with convoluted ways to determine if his dad (who is actively throwing spears at David) is mad at David. 

So weird, but hey, no one's in-laws are perfect, right?

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

We finally cover the ultimate David and Goliath story... David and Goliath! 

God, tired of having a tall, handsome king, has shifted his focus to a short, handsome king. And like an 80s New York real estate baron, he doesn't give a shit if there's overlap. Like maybe file for divorce BEFORE anointing the next one, right?

We also find a big narrative flaw when David is hired to play the lyre for Saul and David becomes like a member of the royal family. Then in the Goliath story Saul suddenly doesn't seem to know who David is at all.

Also... SO MANY REBUTTALS TO CHRISTIAN BS!
- Does the god of the bible care about all children's lives? Spoiler alert. No.
- Is the god of the bible perfect and unerring? Spoiler alert. No.
- Does the god of the bible change his mind? Spoiler alert. Yes.
- Does the god of the bible send demons to torment people? Spoiler alert. Yes.

So you're interested. We're interested. What do you say? You want to do this thing?

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

Merry Christmas, sinners & sodomites! In this week’s episode we dive into the gospels with the birth of our lord and savior. A story so vital and so foundational to the religion that it only appears in two of the gospels.

But that’s ok, because in the two we have the stories line up perfectly, with minor exceptions for the time, place, events and people. That’s right, we’ll hear a story about a small family on the run from an evil king escaping to Egypt. Then we’ll hear about a small family casually raising their god-baby.

And, oh boy, is this a story for musical lovers. Everyone breaks into song. Baby kick? Let’s sing a song. Get unmuted after pissing off an angel 9 months ago? Let’s sing a song. Pick up a messiah baby? We’ve got a song for that!

Finally, we’ll learn why being a shepherd on a certain quiet, holy night was probably shit-your-pants terrifying. Let’s just say the stars weren’t the only things brightly shining.

So strap in and strap on to hear the reason for the season!

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

Ok. NOW Saul is king, I guess. So there is your happy ending to the story. Nothing could possibly-- What's that? God's already done with him? Ughhhhhh...

Saul pisses off the all powerful Lord by cooking meat without a license. Samuel pulled him over and cited him for sacrificing without bribing a priest. Thus our God of Love passes judgement like a coked out squirrel.

Saul's son, Jonathan, carries out a plan so vague the Philistines never saw it coming and he deals a massive defeat to them. Then he eats some honey and his dad decides to kill him. Because that makes sense. Thankfully apparently everyone stops him.

And Samuel gives a retirement speech. Israel got him a gold watch and a bottle of whiskey. Too bad he lost his pension in the financial collapse of 1170 BC. 

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

I know what you're thinking. WHEN THE HELL IS ISRAEL GOING TO HAVE A KING!??!!? I know. It's frustrating. I've been there many times before. But in the words of esteemed Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!

Samuel begrudgingly tells everyone that since they have rejected God being their king, probably because nothing seemed to get done, that he's going to appoint a king for them. And luckily the most handsome and tallest guy in Israel just happens to stop by looking for ass. 

And when Samuel is telling everyone that Saul is going to be king, Saul decided to hide in the luggage and had to be fished out. How does that not give you confidence.

Be sure to check out the podcast Call Bethel by The Telegraph.

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

In our second episode on 1 Samuel it's all about the Ark of the Covenant! That's right, the GodBox that guarantees victory over your enemies. And we start with a story of Israel not only losing to their enemies but having the Ark stolen from them...

So what was the point of the Ark again?

God gets real testy with the folks who steal the Ark. Of course, he could get the Ark back in all kinds of non-violent ways if he, in his divine goodness, chose to. But he just gives everyone cancer and hantavirus until they give it up. Feel that radiant love.

So strap in and strap on your whip, leather jacket, and fedora!

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

Kicking off a new bible book strong with talk of barren women, boarding school, priests mistaking prayer for drunkenness, and shitty sons who steal meat. That's right, what other book could this be than 1 Samuel?

Samuel is the profit (sp?) that ends up appointing Saul to be king, realizing that was a fuck up and then appointing David, which works out completely fine with no issues at all. And this is starts his origin story. 

We learn about Samuel's barren mother, Hannah, who only gets pregnant once she promises to give the baby away to God. Because apparently all she really wanted was the be pregnant. And we learn about Samuel's mentor, Eli, chief priest to Israel and bad dad to Hophni and Phinehas.

Also, we kick off our attempt to go weekly with the show! So strap in and strap on for a whole lot more of our luscious voices lovingly lapping your ear holes!

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

WOO HOO! 50 EPISODES! So there's that.

We are joined by Josh's mom, Jill to give us a Christian perspective as we talk all things Christian. We talk about everything in this SEO-friendly bullet list:

• Leaving religion
• The Waco miniseries
• 7th Day Adventists
• A crazy Jehovah's Witness dream Jill had
• Trixie Mattel
• Pornhub
• Church abuse
• Sister Cindy
• Healing autism
• Blood transfusions
• And child marriage

Thank you to everyone who has supported us over the last two years! We love you!

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

Wrapping up Judges with some good old fashioned sexism, violence and mayhem! If you thought Jephthah's story was tragic, just you wait.

We meet a certain Levite who turns out to be Moses' grandson. An ambitious young man who doesn't seem to be bothered by Micah breaking all the laws his grandfather came up with.

And when his concubine runs away he has a hell of a time bringing her home. There's really just no good way of summing this up without giving away what happens. So you have to listen. 

Trigger warning: all of them. All triggers will be triggered.

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

Ooooh boy. This episode was so good we had to record it twice! 

We start off with an amazing story about a father and daughter and the things we do for the Lord. And the things the Lord lets us do for him despite being a loving, all knowing and all powerful Lord.

Our first Judge this episode is Jephthah. A guy that likes to make weirdly specific promises to God if he helps him kill his enemies.

Our second Judge is a guy you may have heard of before. He's the biggest prima donna in the bible, next to God. Samson and his luscious seven dreadlocks goes on a fever dream of an adventure. So much of the story is completely forgotten by most folks. Lions, bees, and linens, OH MY!

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

This is it folks. The crucifixion. The grand climax. Where God’s Holy Spirit comes on all of us. 

But first we find out what happened to Judas, who realized what a Judas he had been to Jesus. But of course, no one can say for sure what happened to him. 

Jesus is put on trial before Pontius Pilate who oddly comes across as a pretty decent dude. Too decent, mayhaps. And Jewish people seem to be suspiciously too eager to have Jesus killed and save ANOTHER JESUS!

And finally we discuss the crucifixion and death of Jesus. Including the rarely discussed zombie apocalypse that one of the gospels tells us happened when Jesus rose from the dead.

This is our first episode following the overturning of Roe. Linz shares her feelings on it. And we bring our grievances on the state of Christianity to God.

Love and kisses. Enjoy the episode.

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists

The bible is SO PRO-WOMAN! As you'll be able to tell from the story of Deborah, the only female Judge. Her story is well balanced in comparison to the story of Gideon, the other Judge for this episode.

Gideon is the closest we get to a scientist in the bible, what with his not trusting a single sign from God and requiring further evidence. Moist, soggy evidence.

Unfortunately Gideon wasn't much of a dad to his 71 kids, so one of them kills almost all of the other 70 and tries to take over Israel.

THUS SAYETH THE LORD!

Website - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.com
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@bibleatheists