Explore every episode of the podcast Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

04:03 Q1:  Married for 20 years but never loved him

21:10 Using the written word to express yourself

40:55 Q2: Can the "least attractive" still find sexual satisfaction and happiness? 

1:03:25 Final thoughts

Q1: I have been married to my husband for 20 years, we are both 45 now. He is a wonderful person, gentle, caring, sweet, intelligent, and an amazing father to our three small children, who all love him deeply. We have been through so much together and he helped make my dreams come true. I have great respect for him as a person and a deep seated gratitude for what he has done for me and my family, but I never loved him as a wife should love a husband, I’ve never been physically or sexually attracted to him. At this point in my life, I feel like I want to be with someone who I am physically attracted to. I want to experience the great romance that I never did in my youth. I know you will say leave him and find it, but you see, Dr. Lisle, it’s not so simple. He loves us greatly, and If I leave, it would crush him. I just can’t do that to him or the children, who are so very attached to him. If I leave, the guilt will eat away at me and I will be very unhappy, because I do love him in a way, for everything that he’s done for me. But don’t I deserve to at least try to go out and find my great romance? The more I think about it, the more it seems that I won’t be happy either way. What should I do?

Q2: Can the woman who is objectively a 4 on the attractiveness scale really be happy and sexually satisfied with a man who is a 2 or 3? Or is she just with him because she knows she can’t do any better? Is she actually attracted to that man? I know I would never find a man who is a 3 attractive. I would much rather stay single for life than be with a man I am not 100% attracted to. Can less attractive people truly be happy in their pair bond relationship?

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Become Binge Free Course by Justina Froese

https://justinafroese.com/become-binge-free/

Participants will have long-term access. It includes 100+ lectures, a community, social eating solutions, over 10+ hours of video content, recipes, and more—literally everything about recovering from binge eating. It’s like a binge eating library that will be updated whenever there’s something new and valuable to share. 

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

01:08 Q1:  Emotional Affairs – Is there such a thing? Is this a modern phenomenon?

16:20 Human Love instincts

24:10 A modern day problem

46:46 Can you prevent an emotional affair?

1:02:45 Final thoughts

 Q1: Does Dr. Lisle believe in such a thing as an emotional affair? For instance, if someone in a committed relationship has a friend, coworker, or other acquaintance that they are attracted to and even fantasize about, how do you know where the line is and what is normal “boredom” as opposed to a real problem? Do you think that people who find themselves having feelings of emotional infidelity should disclose those details to their spouse if it doesn’t become physical? I realize that this is a vague question and any answer might come down to personal ethics. However, I would like to know if Dr. Lisle has any thoughts on this topic based on counseling people who have been in these types of situations.

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Become Binge Free Course by Justina Froese

https://justinafroese.com/become-binge-free/

Participants will have long-term access. It includes 100+ lectures, a community, social eating solutions, over 10+ hours of video content, recipes, and more—literally everything about recovering from binge eating. It’s like a binge eating library that will be updated whenever there’s something new and valuable to share. 

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

01:40 Q1:  My friend went missing 17 years. How can I get closure?

14:14 Getting familiar with different causes of death

33:23 Trying to find out what you’re worried about

51:30 Final thoughts

Q1: My question is about closing an open loop when it is impossible to get closure and all the information. A good friend of mine went missing 17 years ago. Police did an investigation but never found out what happened to him. He seemingly vanished into thin air. The investigation has been dead for 17 years with no new leads so it’s likely we’ll never know what happened to him. I still have an open loop regarding his disappearance and I regularly think about what might’ve happened to him. How can I close the loop and move on if it’s impossible to get all the information? Will this haunt me for the rest of my life? I’m not holding out hope that he’s alive, he’s likely dead, but I want closure and I’ll probably never get it. What can I do?

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

02:56 Q1: Do we call people lazy to excuse ourselves or to change them?

12:42 Q2:If goals bring esteem, why so much burnout?

28:20 Who gets burned out most often?

44:44 Evolution of Self esteem

1:10:20 Final thoughts

Q1: Is the attribution of 'laziness' to others a form of self-deception by people high in conscientiousness to justify lowering our empathy to others? After all no one chooses their personality, some people are naturally less conscientious than others.  Or, does our nervous system get irritated so that we signal our anger to lazy people so they change their CBA of their behaviour?

Q2: I have a question about self-esteem and building long-term happiness through the meaningful pursuit of achievable goals, which I’ve heard Doug discuss, and how it relates to burnout/feeling overwhelmed and therefore unhappy with life in the modern world.    If this really is the “formula” for happiness, why do so many people today end up burnt out or overextended in their pursuit of achievement, constantly striving for more?   In Europe, where I live, there’s a stronger cultural focus on slow living and enjoying simple pleasures, with less emphasis on wealth and material success. People here seem happier in general. Are they just pursuing more “realistic” goals? That are perhaps unrelated to building wealth?  In the U.S., why does goal achievement so often seem to come with unhappiness, burnout, and exhaustion?  If it is true that the only way to truly have self esteem is the meaningful pursuit of achievable goals, can you be happy if you ate NOT intentionally trying to better yourself or make yourself more competitive?

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

01:50 Q1: What factors can predict divorce?

18:20 The Love Instinct

50:14 Q2: If marriage reduces effort to earn esteem, how can a woman feel secure having kids—and is it her job to vet the man well enough not to leave?

56:44  Final thoughts

Q1: Can you speculate/attempt to predict who is most likely to get married and then divorced?  My wife and I have been happily married for almost 45 years but all around us we hear of couples divorcing even after just a few years of marriage.

Q2: I appreciate your reasoning when it comes to marriage. From my recollection, you've explained that when 2 parties enter a legal contract like marriage, it now becomes more difficult to leave which can impact the effort both people put into earning esteem from one another.   Psychologically, this makes sense especially when it comes to a relationship without children. However, if a couple is considering children, how else  can a woman feel secure that the children & her will be provided for?  Is this simply the responsibility of the woman to properly vet the male for being a decent guy who won't just abandon his family even the relationship breaks up?

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

02:00 Q1: Too neurotic to ever feel truly calm?

18:26 Recommending an expert in anxiety & OCD

31:55 Q2: If I think I'm a 7 but men treat me like a 3, who’s right—me or evolution?

54:30  Final thoughts

Q1: Dear Dr. Lisle, I'm a big fan of yours and have come to understand that a person's personality is defined by their genes. However, I feel like I cannot change my circumstances enough to be happy. I'm highly conscientious and highly neurotic and I find that this combination is making enjoying life difficult. I'm sensitive, anxious and I have OCD tendencies. I'm also sensitive to loud noises, uncomfortable clothes and clutter. I'm always trying to perfect and optimize everything. I feel like I'm intelligent enough to realize that I cannot stop bad things from happening from cancer to accidents to criminality, but my brain is still trying to figure it all out and I try to prepare myself for anything and everything. I have a great pair bond relationship, I'm happy with the people who are my friends and family, a nice enough home and an okay job. But I'm just so stressed and anxious most of the time. Is it possible that I'm so neurotic that I'm just always going to be somewhat anxious and cannot find the environment/lifestyle in this world that would somehow calm my nervous system down? I started going to therapy once again to try and find some techniques that would help and my new therapist seems to be a good person and intelligent, but a part of me just feels that I'm not going to find relief there other than just some acceptance when the therapist tells me something like "it is ok to be just who you are". She says that cognitive behavioral therapy can help with generalized anxiety disorder. I'm not so sure.

Q2: I’m a young woman and all my life men of all ages have been mean to me for no apparent reason. I’m not talking about dating, but everyday life, like at the grocery store, at school, work, or just in general. They either ignore me or are just rude. Women, on the other hand, are always nice to me. I don’t think I’m unattractive, I’ve always rated myself above average, but men’s behavior toward me indicates otherwise. This has led me to hate men and actively avoid interacting with them. Should attractiveness be determined based on your opinion of yourself or on feedback you receive from the opposite sex? There is a discrepancy there for me, because I think I’m a 7 but I get treated like a 3 by men. Is pretty privilege a real thing and I just don’t get to experience it?

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

02:48 Q1: Regarding Episode 27 “How to make great friends”, Could DDL address more specifically how to make great friends? Similarly he has said we should earn esteem in the right way from the people who matter. How do we know what the right way is, and how do we identify the people who matter?

14:57 Conflicts of interest between friends

23:20. Never make a big decision, when a small decision will do

33:30 How do you earn esteem in the right way

44:36 Final thoughts

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

04:25. Q1: Divorced dad entangled with ex

12:28 Genetic commitment calculations

27:14 Q2: Stuck with a closed-off boyfriend

33:53 Hugging an un-huggable friend

42:09 Final thoughts

Q1: Any advice for a divorced dad who is still entangled with his ex wife? We have been divorced over five years now, but are still friends and live near one another. I initiated the divorce for a few reasons, mainly her emotional instability and our lack of intimacy. My ex is a nice person, but emotionally fragile. I help her a lot because we have two kids together and because she cannot handle working full time, so doesn’t make much money. I pay almost all of the bills for our kids and am often at her house. I don’t mind doing these things, but I can tell this is a turn off and red flag for women I have dated. The longest relationship I have had was just a few months, and that woman told me she felt she couldn’t trust me not to go back to my ex and that she knew she would never be a bigger priority than my ex. Am I wrong to feel this level of responsibility to someone I am no longer married to? Is it realistic to expect I can ever find love again while remaining close to my ex? If so, how should I approach this topic with romantic prospects?

Q2: I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years, he is 8 years older than me and we got together when I was 22. We do not live together.  He is very emotionally closed off and says this is because his parents never showed him much affection or told him they loved him so he’s never learned that behaviour.  He is also not very affectionate and gets visibly uncomfortable when I kiss him a few times in a row and rarely initiates this type of affection. I sometimes feel like I have a friendship, not a relationship.  It’s really difficult to have serious conversations about emotional issues or our future , including the prospect of living together as he gets overwhelmed and closes off.  When I spoke to him about the rejection I feel when he’s not affectionate he responded saying that is him being a genuine version of himself and he’s not willing to fake it.  Is this just a difference of personality types and do you have any methods to navigate these issues?

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

02:41 Q1: How common are affairs? Is this typical human behavior?

34:12 Q2: Am I broken or just in the wrong pair bond? 

57:40 Tenacious Delusions in Psychology

1:15:35 Final thoughts

Q1: Can Dr. Lisle talk about the frequency of affairs, particularly in modern western civilization? I was a little surprised to read about the prevalence of affairs, particularly in men in “happy marriages,” described in The Mating Mind. I have been happily married for over 15 years and don’t have any evidence my husband has had an affair. But, I have had a general sense that it is possible, and that sense is reinforced by Buss’ statistical reports on the topic. If so many married people, especially men, have affairs, it seems odd that I almost never hear about such things amongst my social group. Are men just naturally extremely and effectively discreet with their affairs? Any thoughts about the ethics of extramarital affairs given how this behavior is clearly a typical aspect of human behavior?

Q2: My friends are dissecting my ex relationship trying to analyse what went wrong, so do I actually, and Im being recommended a therapy so I do not make the same mistake again.  At almost 40 I met someone who was good enough to get pregnant with, although he turned out to be more disagreeable to what my nervous system could take( not to the outside world, just at home). One child, multiple miscarriages and 5 years later he left me… I felt guilty about it as I was the one making fights and creating conflicts as I would disagree with his criticism or poor advice or poor involvement/investment in a family life.  I have had a consultation with Dr Lisle already and his opinion was- it wasn’t a winning relationship.  But my ex partner came back. We went back to disagreeing and he left. All together 4 times in the last 6 months. He kept escaping to his sunny homeland Spain, whereas we’re in the rainy UK. Im left with a child on my own, and although I got what I wanted for many years, ie an offspring, my understanding is: he wasn’t my match, I stopped needing his help and I never truly admired his achievements. I was grateful for things he gave us, but I wanted more.  Do I need a therapy to work on myself being disagreeable like my father and my brothers. Or is the truth in the environment: once I meet someone who provisions enough and has a lot of expertise, I will shut up and sit quietly in awe?

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

04:31 Q1: My daughter doesn’t care about her appearance – could it be more than just preference?

14:32 Q2: Our 42 year old dependent daughter said she’ll kill herself after we die

32:35 Communication & Negotiation

39:06 Q3:  My pot-smoking husband’s libido has decreased – but is it me?

53:15 Final thoughts

Q1: Is neglecting personal hygiene and physical appearance really a sign of depression, or is it just personality? My 37 year old daughter doesn’t care about her appearance at all, she wears pajamas and slippers everywhere with her hair up in a tangled bun and doesn’t wear makeup at all. This doesn’t seem so bad, but she’s completely neglecting her personal hygiene, she doesn’t shower for weeks, smells bad, doesn’t wash her hair for months, doesn’t brush her teeth regularly, hasn’t gotten a haircut in years (her hair’s almost down to her knees) and doesn’t even brush her hair. Her complete lack of personal hygiene is worrying. She wasn’t like this when she was living with me, but that could be because I was always telling her to do those things. Now that she’s living alone, is this just who she is? Or should I be worried that there’s something else wrong, like depression?

Q2: My husband and I are both 77 years old and we are still working to support our 42 year old daughter. We could have retired a long time ago, but we still work to save up money so our daughter can live comfortably after our passing. We know she’ll never work - she hasn’t worked for 20 years. She was always a smart girl, she graduated with a bachelor’s degree in nursing and worked for a month during which she had many panic attacks and mental breakdowns. They forced her to take a medical leave of absence, was diagnosed with autism and anxiety issues, but she never went back to work and we’ve been supporting her ever since. We have quite a lot of money saved up, so she’ll be able to live comfortably after we die. I recently asked her what she’ll do after we die, she said she’ll kill herself, that she can’t live without us. This answer deeply upset me. My husband and I sacrificed our lives and retirement for her, just so she could kill herself in a few years. I feel like I wasted my life and she wasted hers, that I failed her and caused her to become so enmeshed with us that she can’t live without us. I’m heartbroken. I don’t know what to do. Do you have any advice?

Q3: Does a man’s libido change overtime, and is it common? It has been a year since I’ve noticed a decrease in my husband’s sexual advances and general sexual interest in me. What used to be sex at least once a week is now biweekly or less. And sometimes he even struggles to orgasm. I’ve brought this issue up to him a few times and his reasons is that he’s tired because he works a lot (around 10 hours a day sometimes) and is generally stressed with work and life. I agree that our life is stressful right now for a few reasons (his new job, child raising, finances, dealing with family (his in-laws) issues etc) but I also have a hard time believing that those are the actual reasons. Even though I get stressed and tired, I still want to be intimate. I really don’t believe he’s cheating or anything like that- he’s a devoted husband and father otherwise, and I also haven’t gained weight, I’m the same I was when we met. But I’ve always been insecure about my looks and body so his lack of interest is really taking a toll on my ego. It seems he’d rather watch a show on his iPad than spend time with me. Could what he be saying really be true? Does a man’s libido decline with stress or age? He is 43 and I’m 33. He is also smokes cannabis regularly (always has since I met him). Any advice on how to handle the situation is greatly appreciated!
 

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

01:35 Q1: I’m pretty but my ugly competitors are getting plastic surgery!

19:05 Q2:  My big, expensive wedding is coming up… but I don’t want to get married anymore

27:59 Q3:  Can I increase my estrogen to get more beautiful?

44:28 Final thoughts

Q1: You say that a woman’s physical appearance is the most important aspect of her attractiveness when attracting a mate, but we now live in a time when natural beauty has no value anymore due to the prevalence of plastic surgery. I have personally seen women go from a 4 to a 9 with tens of thousands of dollars in plastic surgery. This is pretty common nowadays, at least where I live. With the recent advancements in plastic surgery, it is becoming increasingly difficult to detect who is fake and who is natural. As someone who was born naturally pretty, I find this very frustrating and makes it less special for those who have won the genetic lottery. How will the prevalence of well done plastic surgery change the dating landscape in the future? Will men only realize that their wife was actually born ugly when their children come out ugly?

Q2: My fiance and I have been together for five years and our big, expensive wedding is coming up in few weeks, but I don’t want to marry him anymore. We have a destination wedding in Rome, Italy and we paid 250,000 euros in total for it and it is non-refundable. Also, we have 300 guests coming who already booked flights and accommodations from US to Rome, which are also expensive and non-refundable. We obviously can’t cancel it and waste money ourselves and waste our guests money. We booked the venue a year ahead of time and at the time I was 100% sure I wanted to marry him. Now I don’t want to anymore. I’m just not attracted anymore, and I discovered some differences in core values that I didn’t know of before. I told my fiance and he said it doesn’t matter what I want, we have to go through with it and make it work and not get divorced so as to not embarrass ourselves in front of our friends and family. He said if we get married and get divorced or annulled right after I would be considered a failure by everyone and lost 250, 000 euros for nothing. What should I do?

Q3: You say that women with higher estrogen levels are more beautiful. Is there a way for a woman to increase her estrogen levels either naturally or artificially and become more attractive? Or would this be unsafe?
 

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

01:39 Q1: I’ve alerted my wife that she has distortions, but she still has them!

18:53 Irrational emotions vs distortions

29:48 Q2: Why would someone complain about their job but do nothing differently?

47:51 Q3: How can I get over the loss of my husband?

57:33 Final thoughts

Q1: Dear Dr Lisle, pop psychology advises men to validate their wives emotions but how do I validate something that is objectively invalid. I have taken your advice and have tried explaining to her that she has distortions in her personality that cause her to screw her perspective in a way that creates irrational emotions but that only makes her more angry. How can you get someone to see that they are interpreting reality incorrectly?

Q2: Why would a person constantly complain, get good advice and solutions, then do absolutely nothing? A person I know works a job they hate, that takes way too much time off them, and pays far to little. They complain bitterly and regularly to friends and family, get all hyped about changing things up, then proceed to do nothing but get back to complaining. I'd like to not give a damn but unfortunately I live with this person.

Q3: How to get over loss of a loved one other than “time heals all wounds?” I’m 38 years old and I lost my husband 10 years ago. Since then I’ve isolated myself and pretty much knew for a fact that I would be single for life. I tried going on a few dates but I wasn’t attracted to any of them because deep down I know that I am still in love with my husband, even though ten years have passed. I feel depressed because I often feel lonely, but it’s not a loneliness that can be alleviated with friends or family, it’s because I miss my husband. Is there anything I could do to move on?
 

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

0:00 Teaser Clips

0:32 Q1 Nephew is suicidal, but he called to tell me

09:19 The psychology of suicide

30:08 Follow up question from E355

37:20 Q2 My husband is addicted to marijuana – can he change?

53:07 Q3: I’m one month sober – can it last?

1:14:19 Conclusion

Q1: What do you do when a family member calls you and tells you that they are suicidal?  Last night I received a phone call from my 35 year old nephew telling me he was suicidal.  Growing up he was my favorite nephew but I haven’t seen him for over 20 year because he lives on the other side of the country and I was estranged from his father, my brother, who dies ten years ago. That’s when his life fell apart.  Before that he was a very likeable, bright, college graduate, financially successful and an extremely fit and healthy young man.   Now he is obese, severely depressed, has an alcohol and gambling addiction and on multiple psych meds, just waiting to “get his meds right”.  He did read Anatomy of an Epidemic and did a 60 day stint in a rehab and tried AA but felt “he didn’t need to be there”.  He was such a great kid so I’m heartbroken that his life has spiraled so out of control that he wants to end it. 😞Is there anything hope for him to turn his life around and where do you suggest he starts?

Q2: My husband is addicted to marijuana. He smokes it every day from morning to night, at home and at work. His parents and I have all tried to talk to him about his behaviour and how worried we are for his health. He's almost 40 years old and has been smoking since he was a teenager. I know I'm the bigger fool for being married to him but he's more than just the addiction, he is a hard worker and does everything for me a wife could want. And I do love him. Is there any hope of changing his behaviour, can he be persuaded to change? He was a cigarette smoker when we met and he quit when I asked him to. I feel like he should be able to quit marijuana too. I keep hoping, and waiting.

Q3: Dr. Lisle, I am 1 month sober from alcohol. I am keeping no alcohol in the home, to "take it out of season". But I am worried about relapsing, since that is common. How do I stop the sneaky voice in my head that will tell me it's okay to drink? My drinking had gotten entirely out of hand and dangerous. Is it important to follow any practices for mental and social health to remain sober for life (like most sober resources seem to promote), outside of just concentrating my thoughts on keeping alcohol "out of season"? For context, although I follow the McDougall diet where food choices are concerned, I on purpose allow myself to binge out on something "off-menu-rich" as a treat every month or 2 without "falling off the wagon" and getting more treats after they're gone, and I always maintain my ideal weight (I am very thin and athletic regardless of my food addiction, because I stick to the right foods other than that 'once-every-month-or-2' chocolate or candy binge). I'm worried this same mindset will carry over to alcohol and trick me into drinking again. I don't have a social circle of friends for support, to which my drinking contributed to, and I am an introvert.
 

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

0:00 Teaser Clips

0:22 Q1 Husband just decided he no longer wants kids

18:08 What could have gone wrong?   

27:01 Cinderella Effect

32:06 Q2 I’m pregnant and need emotional support, but my husband is focused on his business

44:10 Conclusion

Q1: I’m a 39 year old woman and my husband has just decided that he no longer wants to have kids. We talked extensively about this before getting married, I explained to him how important this was to me and he agreed that he wants kids as well. Now, a few months into the marriage, he changed his mind and doesn’t want them anymore. This is honestly a dealbreaker for me. My problem is that I love him, and if I leave him now, there is no guarantee that I will ever find another man to have kids with, much less love. I’m 39 years old so my biological clock is ticking and I don’t have much time left and I know finding someone to have kids with takes a long time. What should I do? Should I leave him and risk never finding anyone else to love and have kids with, or stay with him, hoping he will change his mind or let go of my lifelong dream to have kids? 

Q2: I have a baby due soon, but my partner is going through a tough time with his business which is causing him huge emotional distress at a time when I need his emotional support. He is stressed and entirely consumed with ruminations about his business (although financially everything is OK). Part of me feels resentful, part of me wants to make him happy. How can we navigate this reality without damaging our relationship in the meantime? We have love, commitment, kids and mortgage together and I'm happy in the relationship except for the fact that 99% of his mental energy is now going into his business with not much left for me and new baby.
 

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

Q1: How does one know if or when it is time to settle in dating? I’m 45 years old and have only dated men who I would consider a friend, and have never met anyone who excites me like a romantic partner would. Therefore, I let these men go, kept looking for the next best thing and never found it. Is there a point in life where we should just realize that this partner is the best we are ever going to get even though they are different than what we imagined? Is there a point where we should settle and stop looking even if we are not super excited about that person and how do we know when? At 45 I still consider myself good looking but I’m past my prime, so should I just settle for one of these “friends”?

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

1:35 Q1 - Should I lower my standards and settle?  I'm 45 and haven't yet found a partner that excites me.

5:45 General mood model – where does excitement comes from?

14:13 A common strategy for women

18:23 Women are told to lower their standards

23:41 Why are looks so important?  

28:40 Changing the strategy

31:15 A request for David Buss or Geoffrey Miller – is there scientific evidence for Repeat Exposure in women?

37:11 Things to watch out for.

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

0:51 My wife hired an escort but says it wasn’t technically cheating! 

19:01 I’m going to grad school to find a rich husband, but I’m not that into it

40:38 Scratching the psychological itch to get revenge

Question 1: Dear Dr. Lisle, I’m a 38 year old male and I work very long hours in finance. My wife, who is 27, and I have been going through a sort of dead bedroom situation for the past few months because I have been working 16-18 hours a day and sleeping about 4 hours per night. She is a housewife so she stays at home all day. Recently I just found out that my wife has been paying for and meeting with a male escort twice a week for the past three months while I was working. She confirmed that they did sleep together every time they met. She says that this is not technically cheating because she paid for his consent, so basically he didn’t want to have sex with her, he just did it for money so this shouldn’t count as cheating. She said there are no romantic feelings between them, but she hired the same guy for the past three months so obviously she’s attracted to him. Then she tried to blame it on me for working too much and not being there for her. Maybe I’m overreacting, but I feel heartbroken and betrayed. Is she right in saying that hiring an escort doesn’t count as cheating? Who is in the wrong here, me for working too much and neglecting her, or her for paying for sex and companionship outside the marriage? I don’t know if I should stay with her or not, I love her but I’m furious with her for taking advantage of my good nature and spending thousands of dollars of my hard earned money so she can sleep with someone else.

Question 2: Is it wrong to go to grad school with the primary goal of finding a smart, conscientious, potentially rich husband? I’m a second year dental school student, but I’m honestly here mostly to put myself in an environment surrounded by intelligent hardworking men, so I can have something in common with them and make them see me as wife material. I’m also hoping the repeat exposure would help. I am scraping by in school, passing but not too passionate about it as my main goal in life is to be a housewife to a rich husband. I’m just hoping to use the doctorate degree as an accessory to attract these men. Am I wrong in the way I’m thinking? P.S. Otherwise, where would I meet such men, on dating apps? I don’t think so.

Question 3: Does Dr. Lisle have any strategies for scratching the psychological itch to get revenge when someone has wronged you? Over two years ago, a long term “friend” betrayed me in an undeniable way and never acknowledged it or seemed remorseful.  We are no longer friends and don’t even talk, but have many mutual friends so he is somewhat in my life. I feel that he owes me a debt and sometimes ruminate about it. I have a near constant underlying feeling that I want him to experience the shock and betrayal that I did, and that I would be willing to facilitate it if I could.  I try to put my energy into developing other, more authentic relationships and into healthy living. Is living well actually the best revenge? I am not feeling that yet and would like to serve it cold instead. Any thoughts?

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld. 

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

1:09 My son doesn’t work, spends all day in his room, and lacks interest or motivation

17:08 What causes motivation?

21:40 I married a man I don’t love 25 years ago

42:24 Very happy with my partner of 12 years, but want to experience someone else as a comparison

Question 1: I have a very difficult adult child. My 23yo easily got a college degree at 21yo in computer science with excellent grades. Despite the warnings and encouragement, he’s never worked a day. Otherwise a very bright kid, he spends all day in his room online, has no friends or social life. He did about 5 interviews that went horribly and decided he no longer wants to try. He’s been telling us he has no intention of working and does not care what happens. He’s been in therapy and on meds for the last year but it has not helped. We’ve tried to be supportive and firm, but nothing works or makes sense. I don’t see depression, just disinterest, lack of motivation and low confidence. If he needs the car (which is rare) he borrows his mothers. We tried cutting off the internet and access to the car and he spent a month locked in his room without talking to us and lost 20lbs. We don’t buy him anything. We pay for family health care as we are still working and he has a younger brother, but that wont be forever. We pay insurance for 3 cars. Our plan was to retire , sell the house and downsize to the beach in a few years. We still plan to do it, but apparently it will be with him. We worry about his mental state and healthcare. I don’t think any healthy person would chose this path. He has admitted he is losing at life and not very normal - he speaks with a scary level of clarity and self awareness about it. His life and options will be sad and very limited if he does not snap out of this. We worry. Many who have told us to kick him out have not been through this and often don’t even have kids. We never could have seen this coming and we don’t know what to do.

Question 2: I’m a 50 year old woman. About 25 years ago I married a man I didn’t and still don’t love only for financially security. I have a college degree but I never worked in my life, not even a summer job in high school or college. If I leave my husband whom I don’t love, I will have to get a job but how can I if I’m 50 years old and never worked. No one will hire me because others my age have 20+ years of experience. Should I just stay with my husband even though I don’t love him?

Question 3: I’ve been in a relationship for 12 years, and we’ve been living together for 2 years now. We’re both almost 30, not married, but really happy together— of course, with our ups and downs. We’re very close, but also independent; we make plans together as a couple, but also have our own plans with friends. The sex is good. We’ve never been with anyone else sexually, or even kissed anyone else, which shocks everyone. I’m really happy with him, and I know I want to continue my life with him, with him being the father of my future child. But sometimes, I feel like I’d like to have an experience with someone else— not with anyone specific, just to try it, to have a comparison, or to experience something different. At the same time, I know he wouldn’t want that, and it’s something he would never accept. So, if I were to do this, I’d have to keep it a secret, and I’m really afraid of that— if he finds out, or if it changes how I feel about him. I don’t know. What do you think?

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

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Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's show, Dr. Lisle discusses a listener’s question about transference and counter-transference. 

• 0:00 Intro
• 0:57 Question #1
• 2:46 A synopsis of psycho-dynamic thinking
• 9:36 Psycho-dynamic thinking is naïve and bizarre
• 11:21 What is a therapeutic relationship
• 20:10  Attraction can occur in a therapeutic relationship
• 26:50 ‘Transference’ from therapist’s past experiences
• 33:43 Therapeutic dynamic is usually not a burden or threat
• 37:36 Warning sign that something is out of line
• 45:38 What drew Dr. Lisle to be a psychologist
   

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's show, we discuss a recent survey reported by survey artist, @Aella_Girl (on X).  This survey reveals some interesting deductions about human mating difficulties in finding our “Magic 10%”. Dr. Lisle explains what the term “Magic 10%” means, and we then go over 2 listener questions – the first is whether sexuality is learned or conditioned, specifically bisexual fantasies, and then our last question is about a family member whose recent cancer diagnosis has caused them to act in a puzzling way. 

0:00 Teaser Clips & Intro

2:05 Aella_Girl has conducted a survey with very interesting results

15:32 Attractiveness rating 2D vs 3D

22:32 Innate delusion makes it hard to find a mate, but when you do it feels amazing

28:05 What is “the Magic 10%”?

41:05 Identifying as a heterosexual woman but still being aroused by women

I identify as heterosexual but I find myself to be more sexually aroused by women’s bodies than men’s, even though I only date men in a romantic setting. Even when I’m with my boyfriend, I have to fantasize about naked women in order to orgasm, but I could not imagine courting or being courted by a woman. Am I so attracted to the female body because as a society we have been conditioned to view the female body as a sexual object regardless of our sexual orientation? Ever since I was a child, all I saw on tv was sexy females in movies advertisements, etc. Could this have affected my sexual orientation, like if I was born straight, could media influence have skewed me a bit toward homosexuality? I know it is common especially for women to be aroused by both sexes. Or am I just a closeted bisexual?

51:33 Family member with aggressive cancer making rash decisions

My family member was recently diagnosed with an aggressive cancer and has less than 6 months to live. She is young (in her 30s) but appears to have made peace with this reality and is happier than I have ever seen her. She wants to continue to live her life normally, but in the last few weeks she has made some rash decisions (like ending the relationship she was in, her boyfriend was planning to propose and was left extremely confused).  I am very shocked by her reaction and her peace with everything, as I am struggling. Many other family members and her close friends feel the same way. We want to be more present in her life but she insists on keeping us at a distance and continuing to live just as she did before. How can I change my perspective and also make peace with not treating her differently?

56:28 End
 

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's show, Dr. Lisle discusses the idea of “going crazy”, a question about personality and intelligence testing, a question about disagreeable co-workers, and a follow-up from episode 347.

0:00 Teaser Clips

1:23 Question 1: Woman cheats on her husband then snaps

9:57 Can it be induced by psychiatric medications

12:22 Question 2 – Are there errors/biases in personality or intelligence testing?

23:40 What are some limitations to personality or intelligence testing?

30:02 Do personality or intelligence tests change throughout life?

34:58 What is an IQ test?

38:50 Question 3: Are my problematic/disagreeable female co-workers less estrogenized?

47:47 Question 4: Follow-up from past episode

1:10:45 End
 

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's show, Dr. Lisle gves us an update on his upcoming book, and we take a question from a listener who is rethinking a friendship with their friends’ husband following the death of his wife.

0:00 Teasers and Intro

0:23 Year in Review and Book Update

23:42  Friend acting unbothered following his wife’s death – what might be going on?   

1.  My wife had a best friend since 5yrs old up until last year when she got an extremely aggressive cancer at the age of 42 which unfortunately took her life in only a few shorts months since diagnosis. As you can imagine it caused a great deal of sadness for my wife, myself, and her friends and family. Her husband on the other hand at least from outside seems to have a totally different response to this situation. At her funeral there was not any look of sadness or not even one tear on his face. No one took much notice as of course people have different reactions to bad situations. However in the coming few months we learned that he was already on dating apps and not long after that found another girlfriend and it’s like nothing happened. It’s like he lost a business partner and just got another. This culminated when he rang my wife to ask her if this new girlfriend can come to my son’s communion to which she was put on the spot and found it hard to say no. The event was very awkward and I was angry that he put her in that position.  My question is this, what should I make of this person? My feelings towards him have changed. I no longer want his kids and mine playing together as I don’t want to interact with the new girlfriend neither does my wife. How does someone move on so fast after a near 20 yr marriage? I’m confused and angered by all of this. It feels like a betrayal of her memory. Can you share your opinion of this situation?

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's show, Dr. Lisle discusses our first question in which a wife feels like she’s sometimes just being used for sex and food. Question #2 is from a listener wondering if some people are just doomed to never find love.

0:00 Teasers and Intro

1:21 Question 1: Wife admires husband but sometimes feels like all he wants is sex and hot meal

36:29 Question 2: Are some people (in the middle of bell curve) not able to find romantic love?  

1.  I've heard you say that in a good relationship, the man finds the woman attractive while the woman admires the man's character. This describes my marriage. My husband and I have been together for 30 years. He still wants sex a lot, and I admire his work ethic and dedication as a father.  The problem is, I can't help but feel I'm being "used." I often feel like all he wants from me is sex and a hot meal.  He seems to pour 99% of his energy into his job and career advancement, leaving my emotional needs completely neglected. He works long hours, rarely has time for me, and doesn't share in parenting duties. He's constantly stressed and often snaps at me when he's in a bad mood. When I get upset, he always says he didn't mean it and that he only lashed out because he was at his limit.  I know I can't change who he is, and I can't change my own feelings about his attitude. What can I do to improve our situation?

2. Are some people, who are otherwise normal or middle of the bell curve, just not meant to ever find romantic love? If they are reasonably attractive, intelligent, and have good character is it possible for them to still end alone? What would cause this? Is there any truth to the saying that love comes when you are not looking or when you least expect it?
 

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's show, Dr. Lisle discusses the concept of Beating Your Genes and applying evolutionary psychology as a therapist, and then he answers listener questions on dating, dietary disagreement, and mutual decision making in relationships. 

0:00 Teasers and Intro

1:56 Applying evolutionary psychology in a therapy practice

25:05  Beating your Genes

28:05 Young woman dating a wealthy man but feeling guilty from all of the gifts

50:34 Husband and Vegan Wife have a great relationship but there is strain around what food to feed their baby

59:10  Women may feel more secure with their mate when he’s right 70% of the time

1. Three months ago, I started dating a very rich man. I am not at all a gold digger and I was not looking for a man at all when I met him. He treats me well and spoils me. However, I feel guilty accepting his gifts and money and not giving him anything in return. I’m 25 years old and a student. For my birthday he bought me thousands of dollars worth of jewelry while I bought him a tie. I felt so bad for not being able to buy him something more expensive. I feel like our relationship is unbalanced and feel guilty every time he spends money on me. I know lots of girls who would love to be in my situation and they definitely wouldn’t feel guilty. What’s wrong with me? How can I stop feeling guilty and just enjoy my time with him?

2. My husband and I are in a magic 10% relationship and we have a one year old baby. I am plant based vegan and he is not. I never thought this would be a problem before we had kids but now it’s putting a huge strain on our relationship. I’m the one who does the most child rearing and so our baby started eating 100% whole foods plant based like me. My husband however thinks that veganism is not healthy for babies so he insists on giving her eggs, meat etc for her brain development. Maybe I have OCD when it comes to healthy eating but I am in such emotional pain when I see him feeding the baby meat. We fight all the time over this and if we continue like this we will end up divorced, which I don’t want to happen because I know I was so in love with him before we had a baby. What should I do? How can I save my marriage?

3. When it comes to females feeling more secure when their males make better decisions 70% of the time - does this apply to all decisions? Like: raising children, cooking, the finances, car repair, household operations, cleaning, travel planning, etc? Are males most comfortable when their female partners make better decisions than them 30% of the time? What about work environments? Should females feel their male bosses and peers make better decisions than them 70% of the time? If so, how can females ever be leaders in the workplace?

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld. In today's show, we discuss our last episode 345 being removed for 'medical misinformation' even though we have video proof of what was referenced in the offending episode. After an appeal, our video was re-instated, but the creepy feeling of censorship remains. So we are moving to the X platform. We hope to see you there for our normal BYG content.

Follow us: X: @beatyourgenes

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's show, Dr. Lisle discusses the US Presidential Election and what to consider if you are distraught or if you are celebrating the results of President Trump being elected. Also, Dr. Lisle discusses the concept of morality – what is it? Is it innate? Is it taught?

1. Dr. Lisle weighs in on what to consider about the US Presidential election

2. If morality requires us to act against our psychology, which is impossible, does morality exist?

Teasers 0:00

Intro  1:38

Opening discussion 3:08

Dr. Lisle on whether your candidate won or lost: 4:15

You have specific relationships with individuals not government 7:52

An example of an oil wild-catter 13:07

The Group Trap 21:10

Opportunity and Adversity 33:41

Beating your genes 36:19

Some wins and some losses for your tribal psychology 43:04

Question # 2: What is morality?  48:13

Individual differences that are species-specific 56:28

In group/Out group behavior 1:02:00

Morality of the species is magnificent 1:06: 20

Life goes on, look for opportunity 1:07:38

Outro: 1:08:35

Follow us:

YouTube: @beatyourgenes

X: @beatyourgenes

Insta: @Beatyourgenespodcast

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's Part 2 from episode 343, Dr. Lisle discusses a potential explanation for why homosexuality persists in the population despite homosexuals having fewer children. 

1. I understand that the very basis of natural selection is transmission and expression of genes - basically we are all evolved to pass as many of our successful genes into the population, and that the characteristics and behavior of the organism is evolved to promote this goal. However, how does that explain the persistent existence of gay people. Their behavior does not work to pass genes into the population - in fact, quite the opposite. I've heard this expressed as a Darwinian Paradox. Is there other behaviors that are also Darwinian Paradoxes? Btw, I'm gay and this in no way is intended to imply that homosexuality is an aberration. 

Intro 0:00
Question 1:  0:11
Dr. Lisle answers: 0:53
Final thoughts: 18:29
Outro: 21:20

Follow us: 
YouTube: @beatyourgenes 
X: @beatyourgenes 
Insta: @Beatyourgenespodcast 
Web: www.beatyourgenes.org 
Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com 
Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com 
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Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's show, Dr. Lisle explains how genes are passed on through generations and just how complex and interdependent they are. However, sometimes this can lead to the mistaken belief that societies can easily breed certain traits into or out of their population. 

1. Dr lisle you've often mentioned that we cannot get intelligent people to breed for generations and give rise to a population whose average IQ is higher than the current avg IQ i.e. china/singapore tried to experiment with this idea but they failed. But Dr Lisle you've also said that today's human is on average way more cooperative than the ancient human.. so if the average cooperation can be bred to a higher level, why can't the average IQ be bred to a higher level?

Teasers 0:00
Intro  0:45
Opening discussion 1:42
Excerpt from past Episode 299: 4:55
Question #1 8:20
Dr. Lisle Answers: 9:08
Darker skin defends better against solar radiation near Equator 14:40
Survival advantages move evolution very very slowly 15:38
Eugenics is not possible because gene interactions are too complex 33:30
It’s troubling to discover your own constraints: 41:10
Individual human beings have individual differences:  50:00
Outro: 55:30

Follow us: 
YouTube: @beatyourgenes 
X: @beatyourgenes 
Insta: @Beatyourgenespodcast 
Web: www.beatyourgenes.org 
Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com 
Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com 
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Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's show, Dr. Lisle’s discusses a term called The Ego Trap in the context of the following listener question:

1. Do you think Lebron James is ego-trapping his son Bronny? He has tweeted that Bronny is going to do extremely well he just needs a bit of time, but in reality the kid looks like he’s not even cut out for the D-League. I know there’s something to be said of Lebron’s status and influence in the league when it comes to decision-making, but I wonder what will come out of his son. Bronny has stated in the past that he wants to make his own name and not be compared to his dad. Do you think Lebron’s son will succeed in not feeling bad for living up to people’s high expections and just play the game because he loves it? Or will he react like a teenager with pushy parents wanting him to get straight A’s knowing that he can’t?

Teasers 0:00

Intro  0:36

Question #1 1:53

Dr. Lisle talks Basketball and Lebron and Bronny James#1: 3:14

Going over Ego Trap in context of Father/Son Dynamics: 15:32

It’s Motivating to potentially beat expectations: 38:35

Two Traps Dr. Lisle has named  38:58

Final thoughts/Wrapping up:  46:17

Outro: 50:28

Follow us:

YouTube: @beatyourgenes

X: @beatyourgenes

Insta: @Beatyourgenespodcast

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's show, we discuss the following listener questions about evolutionary mismatch at work, academia, and retirement.

1. I was on straight energy conservation mode for years at work. Putting in minimum effort and getting poor performance reviews. I hated it but for the life of me I couldn’t figure out how to get my motivation on board. Then I listened to you for years and over time bits of the pieces of the puzzle started coming together. Ultimately, I realized what I really wanted was the feeling of being productively occupied. To feel productively occupied though my brain needed to feel that it was generating real value in the world and get feedback that the value generated was indeed “real”. That is all to say I could never put a finger on the impact of my efforts in my corporate job. Does this mean the corporate world just isn’t for me? Or do I just need to zero in on what I directly impact in my current position and focus on that? Have you ever heard of people getting their mind/ motivation on board after 8 years of something?

2. I am a Master’s student in Psychology based in Germany, and I am planning to write my thesis on the topic of evolutionary mismatch in the workplace. My aim is to measure this mismatch using a questionnaire and then correlate it with hypothesized outcomes such as job satisfaction and mental health. I believe there may be connections between mismatch and phenomena such as burnout, as well as job satisfaction. This could potentially explain why some individuals prefer to work in small startups despite the objective drawbacks. However, I am encountering resistance from my professors, as they argue that the concept of “mismatch” is subjective and cannot be empirically measured, given that we cannot accurately determine the working conditions during the hunter-gatherer era. As such, they suggest that my thesis could be dismissed as a “just-so” story. I would greatly appreciate any advice on how to address this issue in my thesis.

3. Can you discuss the lack of goals once one is an empty nester? I am 61 and have many hobbies, i have volunteered so much I am having trouble finding anything that I can get excited about. I was a SAH mom and no grandchildren yet but not really interested in the grandchildren daycare duties if and when they present themselves. Post pandemic everything has slowed way down and it feels like reinventing the wheel for the hundredth time. My husband is still working for about 1 more year but we don’t have many common interests. I am coming off of 7 years of being the power of attorney and executor for my aunt who had dementia and passed then subsequently handling the estate with many beneficiaries who are not interested in any kind of support or help so thank goodness I am almost finished with those nearly full time complicated estate duties which utilized my skills well but was very stressful. Now I am just tired of all the working for free but advancing to nowhere. I am very self motivated but wow, the future looks very mundane. Can you suggest some action steps to get going again?

Teasers 0:00

Intro  0:42

Question #1 1:51

Answer #1: 3:08

Question #2: 37:20

Answer #2: 38:30

Question #3  48:55

Answer #3:  50:10

Wrapping up: 1:03:54

Outro:  1:05:13

Follow us:

YouTube: @beatyourgenes

X: @beatyourgenes

Insta: @Beatyourgenespodcast

Web: www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's show, we discuss  different questions on social anxiety and finish with a short question about dating.

1. Is there a social strategy that involves not competing in an effort not to be seen as a threat? I am a woman and believe I notice in myself a tendency to make myself small around other women. I do this in interactions with women who are both more and less attractive than I am. I have lately come to believe the result is often that they dismiss me as not interesting or relevant, although my goal is to make friends. When I force myself to behave more assertively, I have better long term social result, but it is hard to sustain in ongoing interactions and it causes me rumination and social anxiety. Am I afraid of unleashing my competitive side with people who I want to like me?

2. If the point of everything we do is to find mates and reproduce, why do conditions such as social anxiety exist? I have crippling social anxiety which no therapist has ever been able to fix. I’m a 37 year old woman and I’ve never been on a date because I am just terrified of men. I’m not on the apps, and when I go out in public I avoid men at all costs. How did my ancestors ever find a mate and reproduce with this type of behavior? It just seems counterintuitive to the essence of humanity.

3. Is there anything to be done about emotional instability? I've always felt like a raw nerve trying to navigate through life. I oscillate between very high and very low emotions constantly and when something goes wrong in life I feel it so deeply I become emotionally paralyzed. It makes having relationships hard, as well as trying to get through day to day life. I don't want to go on medication but sometimes I feel like a chemical lobotomy would be a relief. Is there anything to be done? If not, can you explain the genetic reason why a person like this might be beneficial to the tribe so I can focus on a silver lining?

4. In personality, is there a difference between disagreeable and difficult? I know some people who are obviously disagreeable and I do the distance thing with them you suggest, and that works for me. But I also have a few people in my life, with OCD and chronic anxiety who can be kind and nice but unpredictable. Sometimes they are very difficult if they are going through an episode, and it doesn't feel right to just walk away and create distance from the behavior. But usually I can't actually help much either, and things get very muddy and difficult. Can you help me understand the difference, between a disagreeable person (narcissist) and a difficult person (OCD)? Thank you so much.

5. If love is feeling like you are getting a good deal, then what are some techniques to make women feel that way? What are the best ways to make a woman look up to you and seek your approval as a man? How do I communicate that I am better than her?

Intro 0:00

Small talk  1:35

Question #1 3:25

Question #2  21:18

Question #3  32:05

Question #4 48:15

Question #5 1:02:45

Wrapping up 1:09:00

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Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld. 

Question 1:

I had a very traumatic childhood, but I don't blame my experiences with my violent alcoholic mother for any of my stupid adult decisions.  I did those all on my own -- with some help from my parents' genes, of course.  What Dr. Lisle teaches on this topic makes sense to me.  I have a friend who, by any measure, had a much less traumatic childhood.  In fact, I don't think it is fair to say that her childhood was traumatic at all. There weren't any drugs or alcohol in her childhood home, and, according to her, she didn't experience any physical, verbal or sexual abuse. Her physical needs were all taken care of and, at the time, she says she felt very loved by both her parents.  She is no longer close to them.   Looking back over her life at the age of 60, she now believes that her emotional needs weren't properly addressed when she was a child. Consequently, she has recently concluded that her problems stem from an attachment disorder caused by her parents. For the first time, she is calling what she experienced "trauma."  She is convinced that her parents' lack of attentiveness to her emotional needs qualifies as trauma and are at fault for much of her current depression and rage, as well as for her struggle with weight.    My friend is quite disagreeable, whereas I am quite agreeable.   Even among people who truly had a traumatic childhood, I have noticed a pattern:  Disagreeable people are more likely to want to blame someone for their shortcomings and for their life's decisions, whereas agreeable people don't tend to blame anyone.  In this way, it seems that agreeable people may be more readily able to grasp the lessons that Evolutionary Psychology has to offer -- at least in the arena of this important topic of trauma and its role in our lives.  What do you think?

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Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld. 

Intro 0:00

Question #1: 0:30

I have been with the same man for 13 years (since I was 19) and we have 2 children together. Though we have had our ups and downs and areas of incompatibility I believe our relationship is good, I love our family and want it to continue. However there is a part of me that wishes to fall in love with someone new again and feels regret about committing to someone when I was so young. What I don’t understand is the several times we’ve had a relationship crisis it would be him who wanted to leave. At those points the part of me that fantasizes about a new romance completely fades away and all I care about is getting him back again. Why is this?

Dr. Lisle answers: 1:18

Question #2: 35:40

I recently shared a passionate kiss with a married man. I'm worried the village might know. Small town and all. I don't want to be labeled as a bad person. This individual likely has their reasons. I believe they are going on 15+ years of marriage, a few kids, ect. Good looking guy in his mid 40's, business owner. If I get confronted, how do I put my words. To help people understand that men are inherently wife wife chippy and it may be understandable for them to kiss a random girl to feel like they are still valued in the market. I want to clarify I unexpectedly was the recipient of this kiss. But I didn't slap him and walk away. It was nice. I feel guilt over the matter and avoiding seeing anyone that may know. I'll let time ride this out and hopefully not have to deal with conflict. If I do, how would you suggest I handle it?

Dr. Lisle answers: 36:44

Question #3: 46:18

You focus a great deal of attention on mating strategies, mainly geared towards younger people who are making decisions about passing on genes and pairing up with the right person for resource security and safety. But what about people over 55 who are no longer worried about procreating and looking for financial stability? Are they following the same strategies when looking for a mate or companion? What is driving them?

Dr. Lisle answers: 46:45

Outro 1:04:01

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Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld. 

Question 1: How do I get back to being happy with so much violence and negativity swirling around in the news and in the world? No matter what has been going on in my life, I have always tended to be happy and optimistic, but recently it feels like everything seems pretty bleak in the world and it is bringing me down. I truly don't have any reason to be unhappy- I am part of a magic 10% marriage, I have a good job and great friends and make good money, and truly, want for nothing, but I am fighting feeling sad and anxious about everything going on around me even though I don't watch the news and am not on social media.

Question 2: Dear Dr. Lisle, I’m a 25 year old woman and I am unmotivated, have no career, no passions or purpose in life because my family is extremely rich. I am set to inherit a ton of money (tens of millions of dollars) from my parents, so basically I am set for life if I do absolutely nothing for the rest of my life. I didn’t go to college because I knew I was going to inherit all this money and I didn’t think it was worth it. Now, I literally don’t know what to do with my life. Other people need to work to live. I have more money than they will ever make in their lifetime and I didn’t even do anything to earn it. My parents tell me to do whatever I want because I’ll be rich anyway. I’m embarrassed to date because I have no interesting personality characteristics; I have no career, I’m unmotivated, no passions, no purpose in life. I’m just a spoiled rich girl who inherited daddy’s money, who’s going to love me for who I am? How am I going to spend the next 50 years of my life? I feel unmotivated to do anything because I’m already rich but then I feel guilty for having nothing to offer to the world. What should I do?

Intro 0:00

Question #1: 0:55

Dr. Lisle answers: 1:44

A threshold has been reached 41:53

Understand economics 42:10

Question #2: 46:52

Dr. Lisle answers: 47:55

Outro 1:08:40

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Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's show, we discuss  staying a virgin until marriage, and what to consider when having second thoughts before marrying.

1. I am a 32 year old female, Catholic and I want to wait until marriage to have sex. Not 10 paid dates, but marriage. However, it seems that nowadays no one is willing to wait. All the religious men I know that are my age are already married or even they didn’t wait. I don’t know what to do. I am still a virgin even at my age and I don’t want to give up my values just because men are used to living in an over sexualized world and want instant gratification. How do I approach this problem?

2. I’m a 45 year old female and about to get married for the first time but have second thoughts. A few years ago I met a man and he is now my fiance and we live together. He is very nice, smart, has a good personality, and is fairly attractive, but I never had intense passionate feelings for him. I never got those "butterflies" I would get whenever I had a crush. I should also note that I’ve never been in a relationship because I never felt ready and have always been busy with other things, and therefore wasted my 20s and 30s from a dating standpoint. My fiance and I get along very well, but a lot of the time it feels more like a comfortable friendship. I would love to have a passionate and meaningful relationship, but I feel that at my age, the good and attractive men have all been taken a long time ago. If I let him go, the older I get, the harder it will be to find someone. However, it also feels that by marrying him, I’m doing both of us a disservice. I also don’t want to be single at this point in my life. Should I go ahead and marry him even if I’m not in love with him?

Intro 0:00

Evolution of politics 1:00

About 10 paid dates comment from last show 7:00

Question #1 about Staying Virgin until Marriage 12:58

Question #2 about having second thoughts in upcoming marriage 35:30

Wrapping up 57:45

Outro 58:31

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Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In Today's show, we discuss a listener's struggle with being attracted to men her own age, and then Dr. Lisle discusses a question about whether 10 paid dates strategy is outdated.   To listen to past episodes that discuss 10 paid dates, check out episodes 18, 22, 35, 96, 151, 164, and 284.

Today's questions: 

1. I’m a 41 year old female. A combination of good genetics, good diet, exercise, good skincare, staying out of the sun have allowed me to look like I’m in my late 20’s even though I am actually 41. I always looked younger than my age and I have what is called a “baby face.” I’m not at all a narcissist, but I would rate myself a 9 even at my age. As a result, I don’t find any of the men my age to be attractive. i have dated men in their 20’s and they were definitely attracted to me, but were turned off when they found out my age, even though I look much younger. My question is, how do I get myself to be attracted to men my age? I find them repulsive.

 2. Is the 10 paid dates rule outdated? I spoke to many guys about this and they said that if a girl waited for 10 dates they would assume she is not attracted to them and move on, or that she is just using them to get free meals. They said if they pay they also want something in return. A few have also said that sexual compatibility is a factor in deciding whether they want a relationship with this person, so they wouldn’t enter into a relationship with someone they don’t know they are compatible with. For these reasons do you think that by following the 10 date rule women are missing out on great guys who are misinterpreting their intentions?

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A visionary physician and author, beloved husband, father, grandfather, brother, mentor and friend, Dr. McDougall died peacefully in his sleep at his home on Saturday, June 22nd, at the age of 77. Dr. McDougall leaves behind a profound legacy and in today's show, Dr. Lisle shares some stories and memories of Dr. McDougall.

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Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In Today's show, Dr. Lisle discusses the overlap of Big Five traits in normal human behavior and how to understand the conceptual framework rather than getting bogged down in formulaic thinking.  Our next question has to do with anti-anxiety medications and whether they are ever worth taking.  Then we wrap things with a question about being in a great marriage to a best friend but whose romance is fading.

 1. The big five traits overlap way too much! for ex is someone nice because they are agreeable or because they are extremely conscientious and believe it is the right way to behave or are they just intelligent enough to understand that being nice is an advantageous strategy to get people to cooperate with them? any new developments in the field of personality?

2. Are there any situations or personality types where you believe taking anti-anxiety medications would be a good choice? Versus just seeing a good anxiety therapist like Dr. Laura Bruce who most likely isn't covered by their insurance anyway? For example, I am high in neuroticism, also high in conscientiousness.. but also impulsive.. and I'm currently working a high pressure job to pay off a low interest loan. But the job is stressful (I came into it and discovered they were operating at a -160k deficit, I'm being transparent with the board but we are still operating at a big deficit and might need to close within a year or two).. and my friend keeps telling me to get some anti-anxiety meds. In this case, if I *need* to do something like work a stressful job for a year, should anti-anxiety meds still be off the table? Why or why not?

3. What does a position of power with respect to marriage look like. For me the biggest threat to leaving a marriage is loneliness. I’m not a super out going guy and I fear that growing old without her companionship will be very depressing. My wife is my best friend and the few friends I do have are couple friends we both share. My issue is that the sexual romance side of it is fading. We both have decent paying jobs so financially we could comfortably figure it out if we did decide on splitting. I’m also not worried about the one child we have together we are both on the same page that our job is just to give him a good life experience. The main issue is we are best friends and I understand that is partly because our lives are literally interdependent. Separating may server that bond.

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Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld. Today's topics are about people who seek and only feel relief if they have deep understanding about certain subjects, a parent who appears worn out from an estranged adult child, and a young man unsure about a long-term relationship.

Listener Questions:

1. Throughout my life, I continue to encounter people who have a deep attachment to understanding. They seem to only feel satisfied, secure or at peace if they understand their object of attention, feel they have a concrete plan of action, or believe that they know all the details there are to know about a situation. Not having these things leaves them anxious, unsteady or even prone to despair. What personality and evolutionary factors are at play here?
2. Most "experts" blame the parents when their adult children estrange from them. Even when there was no abuse, neglect, drugs,etc when they were growng up, and their childhood seemed pretty normal and enriched with activities, family vacations, etc. Is there something else going on? Trying to reconnect or talk may yields a peripheral relationship, meaning once or twice a year a text or phonically for the holiday, yet as older parents, we not only lose closeness with our own children, but our grandchildren grow up unaware of who their grandparents are. The question is, as a parent of two out of three adult children, am I wrong to just be worn out from hoping and trying and wanting to just wish them well now, and move on with my life? It's been so many years they seem like strangers to me anyway.
3.  I'm curious to know more about the 'magic 10%' and how that is impacted by personality. For context, I'm a 32 year old male dating a 30 year old female. I'm high in conscientiousness, low in neuroticism, slightly more disagreeable, slightly more open and slightly more introverted. I've had many sexual partner's over the years, mostly by female's approaching me (I feel gross writing this but think it is relevant for context) but was never in the right frame of mind to settle down. Now I am in my 30s and want to start a family. I have started dating a beautiful girl who I have strong feelings for, though I'm unsure if it is love. She is high in neuroticism, and middle of the road in most other traits. She very much loves me and I really enjoy her affection and spending time with her. I'm unsure how much my personality prevents me from feeling the love that she feels as it is evident to me that she loves me more than I love her. We have started talking about the future, kids, house etc and these are things that we both truly want. My line of thinking is simliar to a 'close enough is good enough', although I know that sounds crass. I would like to know this information as I don't want to turn around one day and have ruined this beautiful girl's life/wasted her time as these are very important years for her in particular.

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Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD and social scientist, Jen Howk, PhD, discuss the following listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.

1. What do you make of the common description that narcissistic/highly disagreeable people “wear a mask.” Do high disagreeables go around actively and purposefully fooling people about their true feelings and intentions any more than other people do? We all try to put on a good face for the most part, but is this actually more true for certain personalities types?

2. I discovered your podcast a while ago, and I've been fascinated. However, something sat not quite well with me, and that is that I couldn't integrate my experience of trauma within your framework. I've been raised by Narcissistic people, and ever since then, I found myself regularly in Close relationships with various narcissistic people. As far as I understand you, this is purely because those can be attractive people and has nothing to do with my upbringing. And I think it does; I think that simply my cost benefit analysis has been skewed that way: that I would consider my parents being worth my while and to avoid cognitive dissonance, I would also accept bad treatment from other people. Or is Cognitive dissonance not a thing in evolutionary psychology? I'd be glad if you could comment on that.

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Watch this episode on Youtube!   @BeatYourGenes

Host: Nathan Gershfeld                              

Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. and Jen Howk, Ph.D.

Podcast website:  http://www.BeatYourGenes.org

True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : http://www.TrueToLife.us

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Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses a listener question with host, Nathan Gershfeld.

In episode 328 dr lisle answered a questioner who was frustrated about their lower income relative to friends. One aspect of that question was that life isn’t always about making money or climbing dominance hierarchies. In fact the very same instincts to keep pursing more can lead you to being unhappy. How then does one navigate when to pursue more and when to beat the genes? Are there any rough approximations for gauging this?

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Watch this episode on Youtube!   @BeatYourGenes

Host: Nathan Gershfeld                              

Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. 

Podcast website:  http://www.BeatYourGenes.org

True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : http://www.TrueToLife.us

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Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD and social scientist, Jen Howk, PhD discuss twin studies, behavioral genetics, and the logic of evolutionary psychology with host, Nathan Gershfeld

Paper mentioned : https://tinyurl.com/j3c7tbt7

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Watch this episode on Youtube!   @BeatYourGenes

Host: Nathan Gershfeld                              

Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. and Jen Howk, Ph.D.

Podcast website:  http://www.BeatYourGenes.org

True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : http://www.TrueToLife.us

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Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discuss the following listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld

1.  I’m a 29 year old economics major and I’m frustrated because I see friends who have gone into investment banking, big law or medicine on track to make 5-10x my yearly salary. I’m making a decent living on 60k a year but I feel like an idiot for choosing my major and now it feels too late to change. What would you have to say for someone in my position? It feels like I squandered an opportunity. I know life is not just about making money but it’s a hard thing to ignore.

2.  My daughter is a good student and athlete, but she has low self-esteem. How can I help her increase her confidence?

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Watch this episode on Youtube!   @BeatYourGenes

Host: Nathan Gershfeld                              

Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D.

Podcast website:  http://www.BeatYourGenes.org

True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : http://www.TrueToLife.us

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Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD and social scientist, Jen Howk, PhD discuss listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld

Today's question: 

Is psychology doomed to remain a pseudoscience based on the crowd of people who self select to go into psychology? Im a university student and it from what i can tell, the vast majority of my peers and lecturers have no interest questions like why are we this way, how did we get here? Could it have happened any other way? Instead they are mainly just interested in having self serving theory that make them feel comfortable. With one of my lecturers, i was having a conversation about Norway's adoption studies showing that adopted children had their income, criminality and income correlated with their biological parents and not their adoptive parents. My lecturer said to me “i wouldn’t want to live in a world where genes are all that matter”. It feels to me that the major obstacle to psychology is the 90% of psychologists who think this way, and that no matter how solid the arguments from the other side will be, they will just keep thinking what makes them comfortable and call it a “scientific consensus”.

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Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD & social scientist, Jen Howk, PhD  discuss the following situation with host, Nathan Gershfeld:

I cheated on my husband three years ago while traveling for work.  It was a one-night stand and we didn't exchange numbers or keep in contact.  I don't even know his last name.  Until last month, I've never told anyone about this event.  At the time I cheated, I didn't really care because my marriage was rocky and I felt unappreciated.  But my huusband and I reconnected during quarantine and I started to feel extremely guilty.  Last month, I thought I would try going to confession with my parish priest. He said I need to tell my husband as part of my penance.  I wasn't really sure how to do that, so I've sat on it.  Last weekend, I came home to my husband throwing all of my stuff out of the bedroom and trying to kick me out of the hoouse. He knows everything. Apparently, the priest followed up to see if I'd told my husband, and when my husband said he didn't understand what the priest was talking about, he told my husband about the affair.  My whole world is exploding because I thought confession was supposed to be private. Does the priest have any kind of liability or responsibility? What can I do?

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Watch this episode on Youtube!   @BeatYourGenes

Host: Nathan Gershfeld                              

Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. and Jen Howk, Ph.D.

Podcast website:  http://www.BeatYourGenes.org

True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : http://www.TrueToLife.us

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Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD and social scientist, Jen Howk, PhD discuss listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld:

1. Help! My son just turned 8. He has acquired part of his personality from my mother- he can be loud and will overreact or get really angry about things. This includes being told he needs to stop an activity because we are leaving the house, etc. I am trying to help him manage these outbursts because kids are starting to make fun of him at school for them. Do you have any specific strategies that would help or should I focus more on his diet and sleep? He is normally a sweet boy and these outbursts have improved with age but I feel he needs more support.

2. Is there anything that is the opposite of the ego trap when you have been repeatedly told negative things like that you are worthless and will never amount to anything? If the ego trap is demotivating, is hearing the opposite motivating? If so, can't it also be extremely demotivating as well, especially if your mind is doing a CB analysis of the possibility of success and whether the energy output is worth it, but the people around you are saying that you won't succeed?

3. I have an aunt who is so solipsistic, doesn't enquire about anyone else and is disagreeable. Sitting across the table from her, it's difficult to understand how someone can be so blind to the life of others and narcissistic. She's was divorced by 2 prior husbands. Is disagreeable behavior like this related to the "theory of mind" module and if so can you describe the various demarks on the "theory of mind" bell curve?

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Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD  discusses the following listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld:

1.  I'm trying to decide whether to go back to work a year after my second child, or to stay home with her till preschool. I have heard you say on your podcast 'it doesn't matter who raises your kids' which I understand to be a reference to twin studies that show that parents have very little influence on how their children turn out (outcomes are about 80% genetic). How do you square this with attachment theory, and psychologists who say that children need one primary caregiver for the first three years or they will be beset with anxiety and depression in their teen years. I am thinking of the book 'being there' by Erica Komisar in which she advocates very strongly for being a stay at home mother for the mental health of your children. I would like to have a third child, but being out of the workplace for 6 years would dent our finances and possibly my self esteem.

2. Dear doctors, I grew up in a Christian home but stopped going to church once I left home. All of my immediate family are still very religious and my parents financially support someone who was my best friend in high school, who has become a missionary. I find that dynamic very unfair and recently told both parties that I feel boundaries have been crossed. My friend asked my parents to stop supporting her but they refused. I feel betrayed by my parents. How do you advise I deal with the relationship moving forward? I’ve already ended my friendship but wish I could be emotionally closer to my parents.

Watch this episode on Youtube!   @BeatYourGenes

Host: Nathan Gershfeld                              

Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. 

Podcast website:  http://www.BeatYourGenes.org

True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : http://www.TrueToLife.us

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus. Licensed for use. 

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD and social scientist, Jen Howk, PhD discuss the following listener questions:

1.  Can all personality types be equally happy if they apply diligent effort to worthwhile goals? ie all other things being equal, would a low conscientiousness individual be as happy as a high conscientiousness individual if they both applied their version of diligent effort and equally felt they hadn't left 'anything on the table' (despite those levels of effort and results being very different)

2. You have previously characterized men as "pair bonders or not." How has on-line dating changed the CB here for both sexes?

3. I am 51, happily married for 2 decades and have 1 child. We recently had a huge fight regarding whether we have a responsibility to help others. We have a friend who had a messy, complicated divorce and is struggling financially while still fighting her ex in court over child custody and business matters. He is a lying, unpredictable scam artist . As much as I feel sorry for our friend, I would like to keep a distance from this situation. Last time we saw her my husband offered to pay for a lawyer, and an accountant. While we live comfortably, we do not have the money this woman would need to become unentangled. When we got home I started yelling that my husband should not have made this offer because we really cannot afford it and I don't want her criminal ex husband knowing that we are helping her. While my cavewoman instinct was to protect my financial stability, I found it more effective to (over)emphasize the physical threat this could have on me since my husband travels a lot and her ex knows where we live. The fight escalated as my husband accused me of being selfish, uncharitable, and unwilling to help. I said that my time and energy go into taking care of my home and our family. We have already given this friend money and our time over the years. From an Evo-psych point of view, I understand that I feel a threat to my resources (financially and emotionally) as well as safety. My husband does not see this situation at all like I do. Shouldn't a cave-man have the instinct to primarily care for his family (only) and not spread their resources to another man's family??  Sidenote: while my son likes her kids, I would like to avoid any possible bad influence as one is already dabbling with marijuana. So, threat to offspring is another concern... Please offer any insight you have.

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Host: Nathan Gershfeld                              

Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. and Jen Howk, Ph.D.

Podcast website:  www.BeatYourGenes.org

Watch this episode on Youtube!   @BeatYourGenes

True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD and social scientist, Jen Howk, PhD discuss the following listener questions:

1. I have a friend who is very active in fighting for workers' rights. In fact he has a high level job in one of my country's major trade unions. He often organises protests, and is always the first person on the frontline with the megaphone. On a personal level, he is quite overweight, and I know for a fact does not help out much at home with housework and childcare. I used to think that social activists and social justice warriors were high conscientious types. But now I'm wondering if it is actually a mixture of disagreeableness and extraversion. Are people like Rosa Parks and Greta Thunberg, who we hold up as icons, conscientious or disagreeable, or a mixture of both?

2.  I am a woman in my 30s and I struggle with severe social anxiety and it seems like no matter what I do I can't get better. I'm terrified of wasting any more of my life due to my fears and avoidance behaviors. It's even difficult for me to hold down a job long term because of how hard it is for me to perform in front of others all day. My love life is nonexistent and I don't know how to make friends. What is social anxiety exactly? Is it that I've been stuck in the ego trap for years because I fear status loss? How can I overcome this? I tell myself I have no status to lose but it doesn't help. I get so anxious at times I even dissociate. Counselors just tell me to push through it. Doctors just try to put me on medications. I am tired of being crippled with fear every day and watching my days pass me by. I know the life I want isn't going to come to me while I'm hiding at home. I want to have a life that is meaningful to me but I don't know what to do.

3. I've been with my husband for 5 years. When I am with him I feel so in love, we have lots of good sex, we talk about the future. To me, he's gorgeous. He can't believe how much I enjoy his natural scent. But something happens when he isn't around. I start doubting everything about our relationship, thinking it's going nowhere, that I married the wrong person. Some of my thoughts are we're broke, he's 15 years older than me, I settled down too soon. It feels like I hate him and that he robbed me of my future. Why is this happening? I can't understand how I can feel so in love and then feel so ambivalent.

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Host: Nathan Gershfeld                              

Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. and Jen Howk, Ph.D.

Podcast website:  www.BeatYourGenes.org

True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD and social scientist, Jen Howk, PhD discuss the following listener question:

Why do people love formulaic media and entertainment? Most of the pop music that dominates the charts is nearly identical. It uses the same four chords in the same progression with similar melodies and lyrical themes. Most of the blockbuster films that gross massive amounts of money tell variations on the same story with similar effects, music, and actors. This seems even more pronounced in the era when massive franchises like Marvel and Star Wars reboot and re-hash the same stories/characters over and over… and over. Even content on TikTok or instagram tends to be made from a formula— the influencers tend to look the same, use the same music, and say/do the same things. Whether in music, film, TV, or social media, we seem to be stuck in a rut where very little “original” art rises to the surface.  I know there is a pleasure trap aspect to this, but I am curious why the majority of our human brains find this type of content so appealing to begin with. Why do we seem to get so much enjoyment from reliving the same experiences? Why do we find these particular types of media so fascinating?

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Host: Nathan Gershfeld                              

Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. and Jen Howk, Ph.D.

Podcast website:  www.BeatYourGenes.org

True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD, social scientist, Jen Howk, PhD, and Nathan Gershfeld, DC discuss the following listener questions:

1.  I am curious about the work of David Sinclair from Harvard about his anti-aging research. He makes some pretty fantastic claims. He does, for example, advocate for a plant-based diet, but then talks quite a bit about supplements, including prescription drugs like Metformin. I also heard him say that although plant-based diets are good, we must avoid foods that spike blood sugars - like rice and grapes. Aren't those whole foods? Grapes, really? What do they think of Dr. Sinclair's work...work considering or majoring in minor things?
2. I’m on the highest end of a healthy weight range even on a whole natural foods diet composed of fruits vegetables whole grains and legumes, with at most 1 avocado per week and 1 tsp of flaxseed per day. No nuts or seeds. I’ve lost weight before by restricting and over exercising, but I couldn’t maintain it. However I felt much more confident at this lower weight (about 10-15 lbs thinner than I am now). As women there’s a lot of pressure to be thin. How do I get over my desire to be thin? Is this something I can ever get over? I think about it every day and am tired of thinking about this.
3. Is the thicker persons' metabolism or spontaneous recovery different from the genetically skinny person? i.e. if your genetics figured out your survival success by having you eat more, weigh more and get more resources, won't your body be genetically predisposed to continue those successful survival instincts that helped in your survival before?
4. I’m having difficulty distinguishing the difference between eating intermediately to grit myself through the extinction curve of a condition cram circuit and eating under the hunger drive. How do I know if I’m eating intermediately or eating under the hunger drive when I got through this process ? Is there like a rule of thumb you would suggest we follow e.g 1 plate of food then nothing for a couple of hours??

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Host: Nathan Gershfeld, DC                           

Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. and Jen Howk, Ph.D.

Podcast website:  www.BeatYourGenes.org

True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us

Fasting Supervision:  www.FastingEscape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus