Explore every episode of the podcast Back from the Abyss: Psychiatry in Stories | Psychotherapy, Trauma, and Psychedelics
| Title | Pub. Date | Duration | |
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| Parenting through the storm-- Adoption, trauma, acceptance, and humility | 14 Nov 2025 | 01:01:04 | |
BFTA storyteller Frank shares the joy, confusion, chaos, utter fear, and deepest gratitude when he and his partner Brad adopted and raised two boys, ages 4 and 2, from the foster care system. Twenty years ago, when Frank adopted the boys, trauma was not in the public awareness as it is today, and he was told that these little boys, who had spent some time in a meth house, might well have some challenges…..but he never could have expected what awaited. Can love overcome trauma? Can stability and structure and patience and compassion adequately compensate for profound early childhood neglect and abuse? Frank’s story is just one example, but it’s a beautiful one, these two dads trying to find a way to heal deep attachment wounds without a roadmap. Support the show! https://www.buzzsprout.com/396871/support
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| When our minds forget our bodies remember-- A trauma therapist comes back to life | 31 Oct 2025 | 01:13:41 | |
Rachael, a trauma therapist and today's storyteller, describes how her early childhood abuse was buried by the protective mechanism of dissociative amnesia. As Rachael wrote to Dr. H, “The only way I could continue to live, with no way out, with no one to tell, with no words even to describe what was happening to me, was to forget what was happening to me….when our minds forget, our bodies remember.” Rachael saved herself by forgetting, then was forced to finally face what happened to her when her body carried out its ultimate rebellion in the context of having her third child, her first girl….a little baby girl, with no one to protect her….or at least that’s what the terrible and unrelenting obsessions began to say. Support the show! https://www.buzzsprout.com/396871/support Rachael Parsons Svendsen https://www.rachaelsvendsen.com/
The BFTA CODEX is a listener-built and curated field guide to every episode. "I Love You, I Hate You, Are You My Mom?" An intensive experiential workshop exploring transference with Dr. H and Dr. Hillary McBride, June 18-20 2026 in Vancouver BC https://www.craigheacockmd.com/i-love-you-i-hate-you-are-you-my-mom/ https://www.craigheacockmd.com/podcast-page/ | |||
| Desperately seeking safety -- A trauma healing journey with Koelle Simpson | 11 Apr 2025 | 02:05:54 | |
Craig sits down with Colorado-based equine and somatic therapist Koelle Simpson to witness her harrowing and moving story of healing from repeated sexual assaults through a deep psychospiritual connection with horses, then learning how to trust her male psychotherapist, and finally coming to face the darkness and shame head on through the use of psilocybin mushrooms. A heads up-- this episode contains graphic descriptions of sexual assault, please be mindful of whether this is the right time for you to hear this. Koelle Simpson "I Love You, I Hate You, Are You My Mom?" A intensive experiential workshop exploring transference with Dr. H and Dr. Hillary McBride, May 28-30 in Victoria BC BFTA on IG @backfromtheabysspodcast | |||
| The clinical moment in psychotherapy-- A conversation with Dr. David Puder | 22 Dec 2020 | 00:55:15 | |
Dr. H sits down with Dr. David Puder, a psychiatrist and host of the Psychiatry and Psychotherapy podcast, to explore the beauty and challenge and mystery of psychotherapy. | |||
| Psychiatric diagnosis guides treatment....except when it doesn't | 08 Dec 2020 | 00:51:08 | |
In most specialties of medicine, the dictum "Diagnosis guides treatment" is the law of the land. In psychiatry, however, most of what we treat are often overlapping syndromes, not actual diseases, and these syndromes involve hugely varying dimensions of symptoms with a vast array of potential causes and exacerbating factors. | |||
| Craig Plays Goalie-- The Psychedelics Today interview | 24 Nov 2020 | 01:03:54 | |
The podcast Psychedelics Today recently released a two part interview with Will Hall, an author, podcaster, therapist, and voice of the anti-psychiatry community. This BFTA episode came about after Dr. H reached out to the hosts of PT and asked for a counterpoint to Will's complete dismissal of psychiatry as a meaningful part of the mental health treatment community.
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| Steering into the hard stuff-- A father and husband's story | 10 Nov 2020 | 00:43:33 | |
Dr. H sits down with his friend Brian, who watched his daughter, and then his wife, plunge into the depressive abyss. This is the journey of a father and husband, of a "we can fix this" engineer trying to find a path through the ambiguity and uncertainty of psychiatric treatment. | |||
| Touching the edges of life-- Healing from divorce | 20 Oct 2020 | 00:49:01 | |
In this third of an intermittent series about therapists in the abyss, Dr. H sits down with his colleague Dr. Elena Estanol, a Colorado-based psychologist, to explore Elena's "fourth dark night of the soul". Her story serves as a springboard for exploring how to cope with the randomness of life, learning to go inward to heal relational wounds, differentiating pain vs suffering, and finding peace with who shows up for us and who doesn't. | |||
| Craig's letters from the past: Mistakes made, lessons learned | 06 Oct 2020 | 00:25:16 | |
Dr. H finds a trove of patient letters from the last 15 years and shares three of the most poignant, using each as a springboard for lessons learned. | |||
| A mother's story-- Body dysmorphia, psychosis, and powerlessness | 22 Sep 2020 | 00:41:20 | |
After a difficult final year of high school, Tessa hoped and prayed that her youngest son would make the transition to college and find a way to thrive. He would be only an hour away, he wanted to go, and she was hopeful that getting a new start there could reverse whatever was happening to him. Yet just two months into his freshman year, it was apparent that he was sinking fast into a maelstrom of panic, body dysmorphia, delusions, and hopelessness. | |||
| Trauma, yoga, and spiritual recovery | 01 Sep 2020 | 00:38:08 | |
Trauma embeds in the complex zone between body and spirit, deep within the realm of primary consciousness. The typical psychiatric approaches of meds and talk therapy rarely access these unconscious realms. In prior episodes of BFTA, we have heard accounts of healing these deep wells of trauma with EMDR, psilocybin, and MDMA-- this episode highlights the unexpected power of a loving teacher and a guided spiritual practice. | |||
| Psychiatry in one question + When ketamine therapy gets difficult | 18 Aug 2020 | 00:15:28 | |
In the first half of this two part mini-episode, Dr. H explores the four stages where fully dissociative doses of ketamine can get a little rocky: | |||
| Craig and Saj Razvi talk shop— Dissociation, the unconscious, countertransference sadism, and psychedelics | 04 Aug 2020 | 00:37:54 | |
Saj Razvi (of Innate Path and Psychedelic Somatic Institute) returns to BFTA to help Craig do a deep dive into listener questions. | |||
| The Art of Deprescribing | 28 Mar 2025 | 00:22:39 | |
Dr. H breaks down the complex task of deprescribing into six clear steps, starting with the most important and challenging question of all: Who is the patient and why are they suffering? "Bringing Therapy into Med Management"-- a psychotherapy training intensive with Dr. H for psych NPs and PAs this October in Ft Collins https://www.craigheacockmd.com/training/ BFTA on IG @backfromtheabysspodcast | |||
| A special place in my drug addict heart-- Finding safety with Suboxone | 21 Jul 2020 | 00:59:57 | |
We typically think of addiction as a symptom of a deeper issue, such as trauma or a psychiatric disorder. Sometimes, however, addiction is the main event, and powerlessness is the starting point, not some ambiguous distant stop on the substance abuse train. | |||
| Losing patients, one after another--Craig's meditation on loss and life | 23 Jun 2020 | 00:11:25 | |
Season 2 is here! | |||
| Bonus episode-- Inside Eyes: Ayahuasca and sexual trauma | 09 Jun 2020 | 00:44:19 | |
Can a podcast have an identical twin separated at birth? If so, then "Inside Eyes" might possibly be that long lost twin of BFTA. Instagram: @lauramaenorthrup Twitter: @inside__eyes Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/LauraMaeNorthrup | |||
| Bonus Episode-- Conversations with a Wounded Healer (Interview with Dr. Hillary McBride) | 26 May 2020 | 00:45:41 | |
Self-described podcast junkie Dr. H reached out to Sarah Buino, host of the excellent podcast Conversations with a Wounded Healer, and they agreed to do this super nifty episode swap, in which Sarah will feature a favorite BFTA episode on her show, and Dr. H chose a favorite episode to feature here. FB: @woundedhealr and @headhearttherapy Twitter: @woundedhealr and @HeadHeart_Chi | |||
| Chris and Craig in the Fishbowl | 12 May 2020 | 00:45:26 | |
BFTA's two co-conspirators sit down together for a look back at the first year-- the origin story, highlights, points of gratitude, mistakes made, Craig's most poignant/painful moment, the Enneagram, and Chris' desert island albums (no Meat Loaf!) | |||
| Adventures in Exposure Therapy | 28 Apr 2020 | 00:43:57 | |
In this second of a two part exploration of OCD, Dr. H and Dr. Amy Indermuehle, a Colorado-based OCD expert, deconstruct Erin's treatment. Dr. Amy is a big fan of in vivo exposures, whether that be watching stomach-churning Youtube videos, touching forbidden items at Target, or riding out the anxiety wave in a public bathroom. Dr. Amy highlights how OCD treatment is so different from typical psychotherapy for anxiety and why so many therapists default to the much more comfortable (but counterproductive) option of trying to help patients soothe their nervous systems. | |||
| OCD in the Time of Corona | 14 Apr 2020 | 00:54:44 | |
The postpartum period is by far the most psychiatrically vulnerable time in a woman's life. Erin had always some some mildly annoying obsessive-compulsive tendencies, but they were never a major factor in her life, until just after her daughter was born. Almost immediately she was flooded with horrific violent images and urges, these then morphed into a paralyzing dread of viral contamination. | |||
| Ketamine therapy update + Listener questions | 31 Mar 2020 | 00:14:12 | |
Listeners ask: "Can I tell my story on Back from the Abyss?" | |||
| The two loves of her life-- Alcohol, self harm, and the path of recovery | 17 Mar 2020 | 00:59:48 | |
If only swimming or meditation were as good as vodka. Unfortunately, the most powerful and rapid-acting coping strategies also tend to be the most damaging and addictive. | |||
| MDMA and the Inner Healer | 01 Mar 2020 | 01:18:16 | |
After a nightmarish sexual assault at age 15, Mitch's life felt over. Wracked by daily dread, panic, and a desperate longing to die, he eventually found his way 22 years later to the MAPS trial of MDMA-assisted psychotherapy for severe PTSD. | |||
| Developing field awareness: Working with transference and countertransference | 14 Mar 2025 | 01:10:36 | |
This is an interview that Dr. H recently did on a podcast called "The Web: Weaving Psychology and Soul in Circle" where he goes deep into his own journey learning how to work with transference and countertransference. Carrie Haynes and "The Web" "I Love You, I Hate You, Are You My Mom?" An intensive experiential workshop exploring transference with Dr. H and Dr. Hillary McBride, Feb 4th-6th 2026 in Joshua Tree, CA https://www.craigheacockmd.com/i-love-you-i-hate-you-are-you-my-mom/ "Bringing Therapy into Med Management"-- a psychotherapy training intensive with Dr. H for psych NPs and PAs https://www.craigheacockmd.com/training/ BFTA on IG @backfromtheabysspodcast | |||
| When a tree falls twice-- OCD, emotional neglect, and resilience | 17 Feb 2020 | 00:38:46 | |
The root system of a tree is its hidden protection against the harsh realities of wind and drought and disease. For people, loving and healthy childhood attachments are our central hidden protection against the inevitable losses and tragedies of life. But what happens when these early attachments aren't safe and secure? | |||
| Bright and Shiny and Exciting: An Adderall story | 31 Jan 2020 | 00:32:31 | |
Life is much better on Adderall, until it's not. | |||
| Understanding Depression | 17 Jan 2020 | 00:07:24 | |
In this mini-episode Dr. H explores the critical implications of thinking about Depression as a syndrome rather than as a meaningful clinical diagnosis. The diagnosis of Depression is but the first tiny step in the journey of exploring biological, psychological, and interpersonal causes and factors which might then point toward effective treatment. | |||
| Can you take someone where you haven't gone yourself? A therapist faces death | 03 Jan 2020 | 00:29:30 | |
In this second installment of therapists in the abyss, Dr. H sits down with Jungian analyst and master therapist Dr. Michael Daine to explore how facing death catalyzed an exploration of the unconscious and the eventual rebirth both of his career and sense of purpose in the world. This then leads to a discussion of whether one can be a capable and resilient therapist without having successfully passed through periods of darkness and despair. | |||
| Therapists in the abyss: Vicarious trauma | 20 Dec 2019 | 00:27:30 | |
This is the first of an intermittent series of therapists sharing their abyss stories. Samantha was a newly minted therapist just out of her MSW program, full of hope and excitement for her new career, when she met a client whose horrific trauma story and rapid disappearance from therapy haunted her for years. Dr. H and Samantha explore how she was able to eventually move from the grief and regret of this vicarious traumatization to a place of acceptance and self-compassion. | |||
| My desert island psych meds-- Psychiatry in three medications | 05 Dec 2019 | 00:10:26 | |
In this mini-episode Dr. H opens himself up for major audiophile shaming as he (reluctantly) reveals his three desert island albums. With this revelation complete, he then moves on to the challenge at hand-- which three psychiatric medications are at the top of the heap, combining efficacy, safety, and breadth of symptom coverage? | |||
| Healing trauma with psychedelics with Saj Razvi— Part 2 | 19 Nov 2019 | 00:36:45 | |
In this second part of Saj's story, he continues to explore the transformative healing of his MDMA session. Initially believing his therapy journey to be complete, his mother later develops terminal cancer and his attachment wounds reactivate. This impending loss leads him to seek even more advanced and difficult work with psilocybin and the support of two experienced guides in the Netherlands. | |||
| Healing trauma with psychedelics with Saj Razvi— Part 1 | 05 Nov 2019 | 01:05:47 | |
This is the first of a two part very special interview with Saj Razvi, the Director of Education at Innate Path in Denver, CO. Saj weaves together his three fascinating perspectives— that of a nationally recognized trauma expert, his own personal story of early childhood neglect and how this shaped everything else to come, and finally his long journey of healing the deepest wound a person can have, eventually coming to MDMA and then psilocybin at the latter part of his therapy journey. | |||
| How to think about anxiety | 23 Oct 2019 | 00:07:04 | |
Anxiety and pain are the primary drivers of medical visits, as well as two of the more complicated symptoms to break down in a meaningful way. In this mini-episode, Dr. H presents the metaphor of "below the neck" vs "above the neck" anxiety to help us think about anxiety in a way that might better guide diagnosis and treatment. "Above the neck" anxiety emanates from the ruminating/imagining/obsessing/spin-cycle brain, while "below the neck" anxiety is the body's fight/flight response, with adrenaline coursing through the body to send the blaring smoke alarm signal of impending danger...even where there is no apparent immediate threat. | |||
| The Delta Flight Attendant-- Borderline Personality Disorder, Ketamine, and Self-Harm | 06 Oct 2019 | 00:51:39 | |
In psychotherapy, it’s the relationship itself that heals. In this episode of BFTA, Dr. H and his patient Jasmine explore their always complicated, often humorous, and at times very painful journey through the minefield of borderline personality disorder. | |||
| Sex Hormones and Psychiatric Illness with Dr. Neill Epperson | 28 Feb 2025 | 01:03:40 | |
Dr. H sits down with Dr. Neill Epperson, chair of the University of Colorado Department of Psychiatry, to talk all things hormonal. "I Love You, I Hate You, Are You My Mom?" A intensive experiential workshop exploring transference with Dr. H and Dr. Hillary McBride, May 28-30 in Victoria BC | |||
| One phone call changed everything: EMDR and Trauma Part 2 | 22 Sep 2019 | 00:44:47 | |
As her father descended into years of meth-induced rages and psychosis, Kate and her family repeatedly tried to flee...but there was no place to hide. And when at last, after finishing college and starting a new life with her husband, she thought she had escaped the demons of her past, a phone call lit her world on fire. Kate eventually found a way to heal through a six year treatment journey with the help of a deeply caring and skilled therapist and the tool of EMDR. | |||
| When the past haunts the present: An EMDR story | 04 Sep 2019 | 00:36:44 | |
Sometimes trauma settles deeply in the mind and body and wreaks a kind of clandestine subterranean warfare, turning the body against itself and manifesting strange, frightening, disabling, and even life-threatening symptoms. Sophie's trauma simmered for 16 years, making her life difficult but still mostly manageable. Suddenly, however, she was waylaid as her trauma metastasized into something infinitely more dangerous. A long torturous course through emergency rooms and various specialists eventually ended up on a therapist's couch, holding an oscillating paddle in each hand, walking directly into the mindscape of her mother's death. | |||
| Can cannabis be medicine? A psychiatric perspective | 21 Aug 2019 | 00:08:57 | |
Is cannabis a medicine or a coping strategy? Is it safer than alcohol, or in some people, much more risky? Does it help anxiety or does it trigger panic symptoms? This mini-episode explores the complex landscape of "medical" marijuana and what this looks like in Colorado. | |||
| Desperately NOT seeking meth: A harm reduction story | 07 Aug 2019 | 00:21:45 | |
Sobriety can sometimes be a bridge too far. In a last ditch attempt to escape his methamphetamine-drenched life, Larry moved 1000 miles away to live with his father, he threw away his cell phone, gave up all drugs and alcohol, started running, got a good job...and found himself increasingly overwhelmed by the need to put a needle in his arm. | |||
| Ketamine treatment for depression: Seven questions | 24 Jul 2019 | 00:16:00 | |
This mini-episode explores some of the most frequently asked questions about ketamine: | |||
| A power wash of the brain-- Ketamine, depression, and suicidality | 09 Jul 2019 | 00:50:37 | |
Chris successfully hid his increasingly severe depression throughout middle and high school, but by his first year of college he could no longer ignore the horrifying signs that his brain was losing touch with reality. Inanimate objects began to radiate into his thoughts, and suicide seemed the only way to escape. Fortunately Chris took the scariest leap of all and began to open up to a therapist about what was happening in his mind, leading to an exploration of shame, a reformulation of the self, and finally the unexpectedly powerful healing of ketamine. | |||
| Why it's so hard to find (or be) a good therapist-- The challenges of psychotherapy | 25 Jun 2019 | 00:08:12 | |
A wise psychotherapy supervisor once said: "There are only two things a therapist can do...hold...or poke...lots of therapists are good at holding...not so many are confident enough to poke...the good therapist has mastered the art of both." | |||
| One foot in the darkness— A path through treatment resistant depression and eating disorder | 24 Jun 2019 | 00:55:21 | |
Ellie grew up in small town Montana and found a highly effective way to cope with the terrible pain of adolescence, family chaos, and depression. Unfortunately, her eating disorder took on a life of its own and almost destroyed her. This is her hero's journey, not of "recovery" per se, but rather of courage, grit, and fierce intention to construct a new self, and ultimately, find a path into the light. | |||
| Strawberries-- A story of bipolar disorder | 18 Jun 2019 | 01:14:21 | |
In this very first episode of BFTA we explore one of the most frightening parts of the abyss, coming face to face with the desperate need to die. Elizabeth woke up five days after her near fatal suicide attempt and found herself with another chance-- this is her story of finding a new way to live and be in this world. | |||
| Adventures in Exposure Therapy (Re-release) | 14 Feb 2025 | 00:44:49 | |
This is a re-release of an episode called "Adventures in Exposure Therapy" which first published in 2020. That episode was the second of a two part exploration of OCD, the first episode was called "OCD in the Time of Corona." In brief, "OCD in the Time of Corona" was the story of Dr. H's patient Erin, who suffered from disabling OCD that focused on a catastrophizing fear of cold sores and the herpes virus. Dr. H initially treated Erin, then referred her to Dr. Amy Indermuehle, a CO based psychologist and OCD expert, who then took over the exposure therapy. "Adventures in Exposure Therapy" is a conversation with Dr. Amy both about the fascinating specifics of Erin’s OCD tx, as well as a ton of wisdom and guidance about how to do exposure therapy for various presentations of OCD. Dr. Amy Indermuehle "I Love You, I Hate You, Are You My Mom?" A intensive experiential workshop exploring transference with Dr. H and Dr. Hillary McBride, May 28-30 in Victoria BC | |||
| Can MDMA save a marriage? One couple's story | 31 Jan 2025 | 00:53:04 | |
Today’s story is the story of so many marriages— starting off with hope and excitement, then settling into careers and kids and unforeseen challenges, then facing emerging disenchantment and mounting frustrations, then maybe even reaching a breaking point, where the marriage seems unable to withstand all the stuff life is throwing in its path. For Daniel and Mindy, their initial years of love and hope and adventure were slowly buried by layers of physical and emotional pain, by Daniel’s chronic and worsening depression, by Mindy’s frustration and anger and shame. Teetering on the edge, they decided to begin working with MDMA, hoping to rediscover what they had somehow lost. | |||
| Psychedelics, psychiatric meds, and the question of tapering | 17 Jan 2025 | 00:18:06 | |
One of the more interesting and difficult challenges of integrating psychedelics into psychiatry is how to deal with the fact that so many of the folks who will seek out care for their treatment-resistant depression or OCD or body dysmorphia or PTSD or attachment trauma are on psychiatric meds, many of which can have very significant and even dangerous interactions with certain psychedelics. | |||
| In the room with Hillary McBride and Saj Razvi--- A moment to moment exploration of psychedelic somatic trauma therapy | 03 Jan 2025 | 01:05:00 | |
Saj Razvi and Hillary McBride return to BFTA, this time together, for one of the most compelling and fascinating episodes we have featured on the podcast-- an in depth, in the room exploration of the moment to moment unfolding of a psychedelic-assisted trauma session. During her training to work with Saj’’s psychedelic somatic model, called PSIP, Hillary did a profound session with Saj that led to some very unexpected gifts for Hillary. Interestingly, the psychedelic used for this session was THC— Saj has spoken extensively in past BFTA episodes why he considers vaped THC a particularly potent catalyst for somatic trauma work, to rapidly cut through dissociation and heighten autonomic reactions. First we’ll hear Saj give some background context and an introduction to the theory of his work, then we’ll hear Hillary enter into a very emotional and often physically grueling session, with both Saj and Hillary weighing in occasionally with commentary about the process, then finally we hear them both summarize what happened, how they understand the meaning and the story. A heads up, Hillary’s session gets very intense at times, if you don’t feel ready to hear someone walk the fires of their nearly annihilating trauma, maybe save this episode for another time. "I Love You, I Hate You, Are You My Mom?" An intensive experiential workshop exploring transference with Dr. H and Dr. Hillary McBride, Feb 4-6 in Joshua Tree, CA https://www.craigheacockmd.com/i-love-you-i-hate-you-are-you-my-mom/
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| Recognizing and Treating OCD | 20 Dec 2024 | 00:21:48 | |
In this solo episode, Craig synthesizes the most salient aspects of identifying and treating OCD, with some cool musical interludes to boot-- in just over 20 minutes! | |||