This week's guest, Thuy-vy Nguyen, PhD, is one of the world’s leading researchers on solitude, and an associate professor at Durham University’s dedicated research lab, Solitude Lab. Her interest is in ‘ordinary, everyday life solitude’, the kind you’re more likely to find in the corner of a cafe than on a 10-day silent meditation retreat. It’s solitude in moderation – or what we on this podcast like to call alonement.

This episode is an edifying exploration of the latest in solitude research, from how the experience of being alone affects our mental state to the pros and cons of labelling yourself an introvert/extrovert. We also talk about solitude skills, and how almost anyone can get better at it – no matter how much they hate it to begin with.

You can find out more about Thuy-vy’s brilliant work on the Solitude Lab website. Meanwhile, stay in touch with me on Instagram @chezspecter and on Substack – francescaspecter.substack.com 

Referenced in the show:

Solitude: Seeking Wisdom in Extremes - A Year Alone in the Patagonia Wilderness by Robert Kull

Solitude: In Pursuit of a Singular Life in a Crowded World by Michael Harris

Solitude Skills and the Private Self – Research paper authored by Virginia Thomas

A Room of One’s Own by Virginia Woolf

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Struggle to cook for one? We've got you - our guest Eleanor Wilkinson, recipe developer and author of One Pot, One Portion, has dedicated her career to overcoming some of the most common hurdles people face when cooking solo. Inspired by losing her father at a young age, Eleanor resolved to seize life's simple pleasures and make every moment count, including the meals she ate alone. Trained at Ballymaloe cookery school, she turned her skillset towards the oft-neglected territory of single portion meals. From her special take on lasagne for one to her innovative ways to use up a pack of tortillas when it's 'just you', this episode combines practical advice with a continuous love letter to the joy that is nurturing yourself, stomach and soul, in your alonement. Nigella Lawson's a fan, and you will be too after tuning into this episode. Why not leave a review to let us know what you thought?

If you'd like to follow Eleanor's solo cooking adventures, her book One Pot, One Portion is out now, while she's on Instagram at @eleanorgwilkinson. She also regularly updates her website, eleanorgwilkinson.com, with new recipes.

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'That's the root of perfectionism: that chronic deficit thinking, the belief that we're not good enough. That we're not attractive enough, smart enough, fit enough, whatever it might be. In order to compensate for those feelings, we project on to the world a perfect persona that we feel like everybody wants to see – that we should be, essentially. And it's exhausting if you have to keep that up in every single interaction.'

Welcome back to another season of Alonement. My first guest on this season is Dr Thomas Curran, a world leading expert on perfectionism and the author of The Perfection Trap: The Power Of Good Enough In A World That Always Wants More. Endorsed by the likes of Adam Grant and, more recently, Gwyneth Paltrow, The Perfection Trap is the culmination of years of academic research, interwoven with other expert voices, and as well as being rooted in academia it’s also chatty, engaging and honest, which was not something I expected from an academic text. In this conversation, we chat about the relationship between alone time and perfectionism. This includes how solitude can sometimes be used as a space to recover from perfectionism, for practising a hobby that you’re not, technically, very good at – purely for the joy of it. But also the danger of bringing your own perfectionist tendencies along, like trying to get a PB every time you go for a solo run. We also touch on the potential loneliness of relocating you have to do as an academic professor – or any lifestyle, like digital nomadism, that involves rootlessness and moving around a lot. Finally, we discuss how time outside – specifically cycling in nature – is Thom’s favourite kind of alonement, and how sometimes finding joy in solitude can come to our rescue in our lowest moments. 

Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device (you can also use the code ALONEMENT at checkout).

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You can’t really love anyone until you love yourself. While we see this a lot on Instagram, it’s something that actually requires a lot of exploration – and it’s my guest this week, the bestselling author and mind coach Vex King, that many of us have turned to over the past few years to teach us the true power of self-love, through his books, first in 2018’s Good Vibes, Good Life and later in 2021’s Healing is the New High. Now, Vex is back with his new title – Closer To Love – an essential guide to bringing those lessons into dating and romantic relationships. In this episode, he shares a little sample platter of that wisdom. We discuss everything from how Vex’s difficult upbringing made him the person he is today - how he’s navigated what he calls the verb, or action, that is love, in his own relationship with his wife. Finally, a fresh approach to self-love: how to demonstrate it to yourself through actions, and how to self-love if you’re looking for a relationship but haven’t found one yet. 

We discuss, among other things:

• Vex’s understanding of love as something that exists ‘within you’ [5:31]
• How self-love can help us identify healthy relationship dynamics [7:58]
• ‘Healing’ in a relationship versus outside of a relationship [15:25]
• The distinction between ‘mature’ and ‘immature’ love [25:32]
• How to show yourself love through your actions [30:30]
• Vex’s journey towards self-acceptance after being bullied for his voice [40:23]
• Why daily meditation is Vex’s alonement [48:02]

Cultural references from our conversation:

• The concept of immature versus mature love, originating in Eric Fromm’s book The Art of Loving
• ‘Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving’, a quote from bell hooks’ All About Love
• ‘You can’t heal what you don’t reveal’, from the song ‘Kill Jay-Z’ by Jay-Z

You can purchase all of Vex King’s books from Vexking.com

Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content.

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon,  Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions,T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.

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My guest this week is Women Without Kids author, Ruby Warrington. We're are at a fascinating time in history – where, both in the UK, US, and across almost every developed nation like Switzerland, Italy, Japan and South Korea, adults are having children later in life – or, indeed, not at all. While statistics vary, it is a recognised trend – and that trend is relevant to all of us whether we have children now or in the future, or don’t. Author Ruby Warrington, for this week’s episode, has tackled that subject in her latest book, Women Without Kids – a timely non-fiction investigation into what it means to be, as it says on the tin, a woman without children today, with the help of expert insights from philosophers, anthropologists, social scientists and other writers. This is naturally a topic that lends itself an alonement slant, too – we all know that parenthood isn’t exactly famed for its abundant alone time, but what about a life, and heterosexual relationship, that takes place without it? Ruby, who is now in her mid-forties and has been with her husband Simon for over 20 years, shares the answers to that question, and many more – offering so many insightful perspectives into being childfree by choice.

We discuss, among other things:

• Why alone, for Ruby, means ‘sovereignty’ [3:57]
• The value of having strong connections in your life as insurance against loneliness [8:30]
• The link between Ruby’s introversion and her choice to be childfree [11:54]
• Why alone time is important in Ruby’s marriage [15:04]
• How Ruby envied her father’s lifestyle growing up [21:39]
• Ruby’s experience of abortion [29:32]
• When Ruby questioned whether she did want kids [35:09]
• Chosen families and ‘other mothers’ [39:18]
• What Ruby gained through the process of writing her latest book
• Ruby’s favourite kind of alone time [47:47]

You can purchase Women Without Kids from all good bookshops, and online.

Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content.

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon,  Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you to WestLab for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Their bestselling Dead Sea bath salt range is a skin hero, containing a unique blend of magnesium, calcium and potassium, which is brilliant for protecting and repairing your skin barrier and managing conditions like eczema, psoriasis, acne and sensitive skin. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions,T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.

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Donna Lancaster is a coach and therapist, best known as the co-creator of The Bridge, a retreat designed to help attendees navigate grief and loss, and the author of a book of the same name. More recently, Donna has published a pocket book called Wise Words for Women, full of advice on how to live a rewarding, connected life. I know we hear a lot of these buzzwords like authenticity and pain, but equally I think what a lot of us are searching for day to day is that person who emanates gentle, universal wisdom, that comforting phrase that catches you at the right time. Donna refers to herself as a ‘trainee elder’, and to those she touches with her work, that’s what she is. This is a conversation about how to find wonder and creativity in alone time; how to connect with nature; and just generally how to find a bit more joy in our lives. 

We discuss, among other things:

• Why Donna feels most authentic when she is alone [3:53]
• Donna’s struggle with loneliness growing up [6:31]
• How Donna’s relationship with nature makes her feel more connected to the world [12:!6]
• Are you a mountain person, a sea person or a forest person? Donna believes we all have a ‘natural leaning’ [19:08]
• How to have a ‘Date with Wonder’ [24:40]
• Why wealth can make you feel lonelier, according to Donna [28:39]
• Is loneliness something we should accept in our lives? [39:30]
• Donna’s love of colouring books as an alone time activity [45:19]

You can purchase Donna’s latest book, Wise Words for Women, now online and in bookstores.

Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content.

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon,  Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Their bestselling Dead Sea bath salt range is a skin hero, containing a unique blend of magnesium, calcium and potassium, which is brilliant for protecting and repairing your skin barrier and managing conditions like eczema, psoriasis, acne and sensitive skin. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions,T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.

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This week’s guest is author Naoise Dolan. I am absolutely thrilled to have Naoise on this season – she’s widely consider of the millennial generation’s most talented writers, ever since her Sunday Times bestseller debut novel Exciting Times was published in 2020. It’s currently being adapted into an Amazon Studios TV production starring Phoebe Dynevor. We’re here to discuss her hotly anticipated follow up book, The Happy Couple, which is a sort of anti-rom counting down to the wedding of a boy and girl who probably shouldn’t get married. During this recording, we chat about Naoise’s experiences of being an expat in Berlin – where she’s lived less than a year. Fans of Naoise, who is originally from Dublin, will know that she is no stranger to the experience of living abroad – her first book, Exciting Times, was heavily inspired by her own expat experience living in Hong Kong, while she’s also lived in Singapore and Italy. From an alone time perspective, this is an interesting position to be in – and Naoise describes how this sense of being a foreigner has enabled some of the incredibly perceptive social observation in her writing. We also discuss Naoise’s autism diagnosis, and how it might or might not reflect itself in her writing – plus, whether framing writing as ‘neurodivergent’ is useful in the first place. I found Naoise incredibly thoughtful and intelligent – she has a dark sense of humour, which I really appreciate, and she has one of the best laughs I’ve ever heard on this podcast. I hope you enjoy this conversation as much as I did. 

We discuss, among other things:

• Naoise’s decision to relocate to Berlin [4:56]
• Navigating cultural differences as an autistic person [9:01]
• Why Naoise structured her book around a wedding narrative [19:25]
• Main character syndrome, in relation to Naoise’s protagonist Celine [24:08]
• Naoise’s characters’ self-sabotaging tendencies (in The Happy Couple & Exciting Times) [30:26]
• How Naoise’s neurodiverse perspective influences her writing [34:23]
• Naoise’s love of drawing in her alone time [38:30]

You can purchase Naoise’s book, The Happy Couple, now online and in bookstores.

Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content. My book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, based on this very podcast, now from Amazon,  Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, expires 31st August 2023.

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My guest for this week’s episode is podcaster and author Caggie Dunlop, whom you might also recognise as a former cast member on the rather well known reality show called Made in Chelsea. Caggie has since reached a whole different audience. Her show Saturn Returns – which explores the coming of age happens somewhere around your late twenties and early thirties – has united a community as they navigate the shared challenges and opportunities that come with this age. I discovered the show last year – unsurprisingly, just as I was coming into this life stage – and was lucky enough to be Caggie’s guest on an episode released this May. Afterwards, Caggie generously agreed to come on and talk all things alone time with me – together with discussing her debut book, a memoir meets guidebook co-written with astrology expert Noura Bourni. In this episode, we talk about everything from the loneliness that Caggie faced when she pursed her singing career in LA, to, on the more positive side, how to navigate the vulnerable early stages of a blossoming relationship in a healthy way. I also ask Caggie how solo holidays work out when you’re a recognisable former reality TV star. 

We discuss, among other things:

• Why Caggie describes herself as ‘a bit of a recluse’ [4:45]
• Independence vs. codependency in a romantic relationship [7:25]
• Why alone time was a ‘sanctuary’ for Caggie, growing up [10:10]
• The definition of ‘Saturn Return’ [19:19]
• How Caggie’s own ‘Saturn Return’ let to a career pivot [25:31]
• The power of the ‘slow burn’ when entering a relationship [32:09]
• Navigating anxious attachment [35:52]
• Caggie’s recent solo mini break [39:40]

You can purchase Caggie’s book, Saturn Returns, now – while her podcast of the same name is available to listen to wherever you get your podcast.

Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content.

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon,  Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions,T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.

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This week's guest is Adam Gopnik, a long-standing staff writer at the New Yorker, and the award-winning author of a frankly intimidating number of books, most recently The Real Work: On the Mystery of Mastery, which explores the process of learning a new skill. And then there was his recent Hollywood debut – those who’ve seen Oscar-winning film Tar might have also spotted Adam playing himself, as an interviewer, alongside Cate Blanchett in the film’s opening scene. Today, we’re talking about solitude – and how it’s played out in Adam’s writing career and life more broadly. As a true New Yorker, Adam tells me how his version of alone time manages to integrate a great deal of companionship too, from his love of working amid the hustle & bustle of others in his office days to the more collaborative strands of his career, including writing for musical theatre. Alone time, for Adam, is best spent pacing around a crowded city listening to what he still still refers to as a walkman – alone in a crowd. He also shares with me how his childhood, growing up as one of six in a crowded noisy house, has shaped his love of being around others in modern life. Finally, we discuss the beauty of solitude as depicted by the art of Edward Hopper – which Adam and I share a love for.

We discuss:

• How Adam’s upbringing primed him to feel most comfortable around the noise of others [4:34]
• His love of walking alone around a city [7:08]
• Adam’s lifelong struggle with insomnia – and how he treats it [10:38]
• Writing routines, and approaching writing like a ‘physical challenge’ [16:30]
• Edward Hopper’s depiction of solitude [26:04]
• The art of ‘social solitude’ in New York [31:34]

References from our conversation:

• Adam Gopnik's 'walkman' playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1oe0WuKABmBtL576sGgW64?si=c45849d6d4a94cef
• The Edward Hopper exhibition at The Whitney, New York
• ‘What sin to me unknown dipp’d in ink’, from Alexander Pope’s Epistle to Dr Arbuthnot
• The Monologue Art Museum

You can purchase all of Adam Gopnik’s books, including The Real Work, at adamgopnik.com/books.

Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow her personal writing plus podcast bonus content. You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, based on this podcast, from Amazon,  Waterstones and Bookshop.org. Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions, T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.

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This week’s guest is Dr Nicole LePera, whom you might be more familiar with as the Holistic Psychologist – the handle of her somewhat insanely popular Instagram account. She’s also the author of multiple books, including her New York bestseller How To Do The Work, and her latest title, a workbook called How To Meet Your Self. With fans including Elizabeth Day, Dr Rangan Chatterjee and Mel Robbins, Nicole’s popularity is justified – with her succinct but hard-hitting social media posts bringing therapeutic insight out of the expensive and often inaccessible clinical space and in front of the 9 million people who follow her on social media. 

We discuss, among other things:

• The practical challenge of alone time when you’re in a throuple, or three-person relationship, as Nicole is [5:40]
• How Nicole developed a fearful relationship with being alone in childhood [8:10]
• How your body can go into a ‘threat state’ when you’re alone [10:45]
• Nicole’s experience of struggling with being physically alone in her early twenties [15:05]
• How to practically teach yourself to cope better with alone time through Nicole’s five-minute exercise[18:16]
• Can you learn to be alone through therapy? [20:51]
• How to avoid the addictive trap of ‘self-help’ [26:51]
• Why Nicole is passionate about mental health advice being widely accessible via social media [33:31]
• Practical advice for engaging with self-help content sensibly [37:08]
• Why Nicole’s favourite alone time involves nudity (not like that!] [41:18]

You can find links to Dr Nicole Lepera’s latest workbook on howtomeetyourself.com. Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content. You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon,  Waterstones and Bookshop.org. Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions,T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.

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This week's guest on the podcast is the poet Amy Key. We're here to discuss her first work of prose, Arrangements in Blue: Notes on Love and Making a Life, which is a memoir inspired by the work of Amy's beloved musical icon, Joni Mitchell. Aged 44. Amy has been single for 22 years. Her book challenges us to consider the claim that life can both be wonderful in the absence of romantic love – and that it is yet still valid to want it nevertheless. Described by The Guardian as a ‘cathartic meditation on singledom’, Arrangements in Blue is a book that reflects on the universal question of what makes a life rich and whole, in a way that resonates regardless of your relationship status. It is also a nuanced discussion of different kinds of alonement, from the luxury of living alone (it's worth mentioning. Amy speaks to me from her flat in London, where the walls are painted a gorgeous shade of pink, and there's a piano and her books in the backdrop) to the highs and lows of solo travel. 

We discuss, among other things:

• Why ‘alone’, for Amy, means ‘attunement’ [4:25]
• What was behind Amy’s decision to theme her book around Joni Mitchell’s ‘Blue’ album [8:15]
• The challenge of living life on a different timeline to your peers [13:34]
• What people in long-term relationships could learn from Amy’s account of long-term singledom [16:34]
• Do single people face discrimination? [23:55]
• The contagious joy of holidaying alone [26:59]
• Practising self-care and personal boundaries as a single person [34:08]
• Amy’s platonic relationship with her mentor, the late poet Roddy Lumsden [38:30]
• Why Amy's asking for more, not less, from her dating life [44:46]

You can purchase Arrangements in Blue now at all good bookshops. 

Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content.

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon,  Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Their bestselling Dead Sea bath salt range is a skin hero, containing a unique blend of magnesium, calcium and potassium, which is brilliant for protecting and repairing your skin barrier and managing conditions like eczema, psoriasis, acne and sensitive skin. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions,T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.

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The Alonement podcast is back! And for the first episode of this season, I’m speaking to one of the most-requested guests since the show began: Susan Cain. Susan is the author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking, a book which spent eight years on the New York bestseller list after its publication in 2012. The book was inspired by her former career as a Wall Street lawyer, a profession where she came face-to-face with what she identified as a Western bias towards extroversion in the workplace. In Quiet, she celebrates the traits of introverted people, including their capacity for reflection and solitude. In April 2022, Susan published Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole, which is an exploration of how embracing life’s sadness, as well as its positive moments, can be the pathway to a greater appreciation of beauty and wonder.

We discuss, among other things:

• How Susan navigates busy publicity cycles as an introvert [4:49]
• Free trait theory [10:03]
• The ‘Alone togetherness’ of spaces like Starbucks, co-working spaces & family homes [14:28]
• Why Susan Cain’s unpublished memoir was called ‘Freefall’  [23:21]
• Why the act of being creative is inherently bittersweet [25:05]
• The relationship between alone time, religion and spirituality [29:08]
• Susan’s critique of positive psychology [31:32]
• Why Susan is a ‘happy melancholic’ [33:15]
• A different look at romantic obsession – and how it can help us learn more about our deeper internal desires [34:16]
• Should introverts only date extroverts – and vice versa? [39:16]

Cultural references from our conversation:

• ‘Only connect’, the epigraph to EM Forster’s Howard’s End
• Ryan Little’s ‘Free Trait Theory’
• The film Splendour in the Grass
• The ‘Bittersweet’ playlist created to accompany Susan’s latest book
• The discipline of positive psychology, founded by Martin Seligman
• The Myers Briggs personality test

You can purchase all of Susan Cain’s books, including Quiet and Bittersweet, on susancain.net/books.

Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content. You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon,  Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Their bestselling Dead Sea bath salt range is a skin hero, containing a unique blend of magnesium, calcium and potassium, which is brilliant for protecting and repairing your skin barrier and managing conditions like eczema, psoriasis, acne and sensitive skin. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions,T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.

Social links: @ChezSpecter on Instagram & Twitter, while Susan is @susancain on Twitter and @susancainauthor on Instagram.

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Welcome to season 10 of Alonement! Katie Norris, an award-winning comedian and confirmed cat-cherlorette (OK, I came up with that) is my guest on the first episode of this season. Katie adopted her 'lockdown baby', Atticus, at the start of the pandemic. He's been her companion as she's established herself as a stand-up comedian, and taken a prolonged dating hiatus. She shares how she's claiming the much-maligned 'childless cat lady' stereotype (with a middle finger up to JD Vance). Plus, the highs and lows of solo comedy (after years of being a double act) and maintaining self-esteem in the face of criticism. This is a conversation about following your heart, as Katie has done, towards a life that feels right for you – romantically, and creatively. Whether you’re a fellow pet owner, a single person, a comedy fan or simply someone curious about all of the above, there will be something here for you.

Happy listening – and if you love this episode, do leave a glowing review!

Now for some handles! You can find Katie on Instagram at @katienorris26 – while Francesca is on Instagram @chezspecter and writes a Substack newsletter, francescaspecter.substack.com

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Hello Alonement listeners! So, a quick announcement to share that I've just launched a new project called The Shoulds. The Shoulds is an online Substack publication and community space that explores the hidden rules and stories that shape our lives. In many ways, this newsletter will be just like this podcast covering a lots of similar topics around psychology, authentic living, and relationships. But also it will be a space for us to have two-way conversations and get to know each other a little bit better. I would love to see as many of you possible over there at Substack. To follow, just type francescaspecter.substack.com into your web browser and enter your email address to receive updates directly to your inbox.

You can also follow me on Twitter and on Instagram – @ChezSpecter.

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This clip is taken from my guest interview with former Blue Peter presenter Konnie Huq, first released in August 2020. Konnie speaks about the sustaining power of having 'anchors' – close friends and family whom you know are at the end of the phone – and how this prevents loneliness, even when you are alone.

Twitter: @ChezSpecter @Konnie_Huq

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Season 7 finale! How did that happen?! We are, however, going out with a bang... This week, I have the pleasure of chatting to friendship expert & psychologist Dr Marisa G. Franco, whose new book Platonic: How Understanding Your Attachment Style Can Help You Make and Keep Friends combines two of the most zeitgeist-y lifestyle topics of the moment: attachment theory and the value of friendship. After interviewing Marisa, I was actually invited to provide the cover endorsement (!) for the UK edition, which I couldn’t have been more honoured to do. Here’s what I said about it: ‘Relationships take work. We’ve always accepted that romantically – but, curiously, rarely do we apply the same adage to friendship. Marisa G. Franco’s Platonic is the book that changes that. It not only champions the essentiality of friendship for a happy life and gives a generous reflection of the author’s own experience, it also gives you the toolkit for deepening existing friendships and making new ones. This is all done through the fascinating lens of attachment theory, once again something you may have applied to your romantic relationships but likely never before to your friendships. This is a timely, unique guide to approaching friendship, often the profoundest source of connection in your life, with the love (and self-reflection) it deserves.’

In this episode, recorded just before the book release, we discuss:

• What ‘attachment theory’ actually means, in – as Dr Marisa G Franco put it – ‘a rather big nutshell’
• How secure friendships underpin your ability to feel ‘safe’ when in your own company
• The value of showing vulnerability in your friendships
• The challenges we face when making (and keeping) friends in adulthood
• Practical advice to nurture healthy friendships 

You can order Dr Marisa G. Franco’s book, Platonic: How Understanding Your Attachment Style Can Help You Make and Keep Friends, now on Bookshop.org

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon, Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you so much to Flash Pack for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Flash Pack is a travel company that offers boutique group adventures for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s. Visit flashpack.com/alonement to learn more and quote ALONEMENT at check-out for £100 off your first trip.

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In this clip, we hear from psychologist and Instagram sensation Dr Emma Hepburn – with one of my favourite pieces of wisdom from our original recording, released in April 2021.

Emma Hepburn’s book, A Toolkit For Modern Life, discussed in this episode, is available to order now.

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My book, Alonement: How To Be Alone & Absolutely Own It, is available to order on Amazon, Waterstones, Bookshop.org and all good booksellers.

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Twitter: @ChezSpecter @@EmmaNeuropsych

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This week my interviewee is radio and TV presenter Nihal Arthanayake. While I’ll be asking the questions today, Nihal is most used to playing the other role, having interviewed countless household names, including Minnie Driver, Ricky Gervais & Benedict Cumberbatch on his regular BBC 5 Live show. He’s recently written a book, Let’s Talk: How To Have Better Conversations - based on what he’s learnt through his job, which we’ll be discussing as part of this episode. 

We discuss, among other things:

• How the David Lloyd became Nihal's creative haven when he was writing his book
• Nihal's love of long, solitary drives
• The value of taking time to do nothing
• 'Quiet quitting'
• How male loneliness comes around – and why we need to talk more about it
• The complicated business of male friendships

You can order Nihal's latest book, Let's Talk: How to Have Better Conversations, now from Bookshop.org. 

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon, Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you so much to Flash Pack for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Flash Pack is a travel company that offers boutique group adventures for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s. Visit flashpack.com/alonement to learn more and quote ALONEMENT at check-out for £100 off your first trip.

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Another week, another bitesize mini-episode from Alonement archives. This conversation with journalist and author Daisy Buchanan comes from the first season of Alonement, recorded in person at my flat in November 2019. Before pivoting towards writing books, Daisy worked as an agony aunt for Grazia magazine, answering reader questions around everything from work to relationships. We discuss the philosophy underlying all of her advice: that, actually, her role was to empower people to recognise their own capacity for self-knowledge, and to, in the least woo-woo way possible, realise that they had the answers within them. As ever, Daisy is kind, soothing and wise in this clip - I hope you enjoy listening.

Twitter: @ChezSpecter @NotRollerGirl

Instagram: @ChezSpecter @alonementofficial @thedaisybee

Get in touch: press@alonement.com

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This week I have the absolute pleasure of speaking to one of my favourite authors, Holly Bourne. After beginning her novel-writing career in the young adult genre, Holly has released three brilliant titles for adults over the past few years, which are full of wise reflections on relationships, navigating social pressure and recovering from trauma. She’s influenced, in part, by the five years she spent working as an online agony aunt for a youth charity, specialising in relationships and mental health, and her present role as the youth ambassador for Women’s Aid. Her honest, empathetic writing has made me, and so many other that I know, feel less alone – saying that, I can’t wait to see what she has to say about alone time, and what it means to her.

We discuss, among other things:

• Why her heroines' 'happy endings' always involve them finding a greater degree of love for themselves
• How Holly learnt to enjoy taking herself out for dinner
• How female friendship can offer a 'safe space' away from the male gaze
• The challenge of adjusting to a new relationship after being happily-single for a period

You can order Holly's latest book, Girlfriends, now on Bookshop.org.

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon and Waterstones.

Thank you so much to Flash Pack for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Flash Pack is a travel company that offers boutique group adventures for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s. Visit flashpack.com/alonement to learn more and quote ALONEMENT at check-out for £100 off your first trip.

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Erling Kagge, one of the greatest living polar explorers – and the first in history to reach the 'three poles' – is the guest that we hear from in this week’s mini episode, taken from our longer conversation released in February 2022. Speaking to me from his home in Norway, Erling shares touchingly in this clip how the time he spent living in London in early adulthood was more lonely than the period he spent 50 days and 50 nights alone traversing the South Pole. Our conversation is a reflection on what it truly means to experience alonement; to be lonely; and everything in between.

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In this week’s episode, I interview poet, BBC radio presenter and author Salma El-Wardany. Salma’s debut novel, These Impossible Things, has been a breakout international hit. It’s a novel about three British Muslim women whose close friendship falls apart one devastating night, and covers the themes of platonic bonds, identity and growing up. 

We discuss, among other things:

• Salma’s experience of heartbreak and rediscovering herself afterwards
• How to maintain independence in a romantic relationship
• The tension behind growing up in a community-based religion like Islam, and learning to advocate for one’s alone time
• How Salma’s mother inspired her love of alonement

You can order Salma El-Wardany’'s debut novel, These Impossible Things, now from Bookshop.org. 

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon, Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you so much to Flash Pack for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Flash Pack is a travel company that offers boutique group adventures for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s. Visit flashpack.com/alonement to learn more and quote ALONEMENT at check-out for £100 off your first trip.

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Journalist and novelist Sophia Money-Coutts is the star of this week’s mini-episode, first released in a longer form in August 2020. In this clip, we discuss a really important, timely topic of egg-freezing – undoubtedly one of the most important advances in fertility medicine like, ever. Sophia is wonderfully honest about her decision to freeze her eggs in her thirties, and discusses the ups and downs of going through the process as a single woman.

You can order Sophia Money-Coutts' latest novel, Did You Miss Me, now at Bookshop.org.

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon,  Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

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Maggie Smith is a poet & writer who found overnight fame when her poem, ‘Good Bones’, went viral on social media in 2016. Later on, her life was to take a further change when her husband of 19 years, and the father of her children, announced he wanted a divorce two years later. Her memoir, You Could Make This Place Beautiful, published in April 2023 – explores the connection between these two events, how become a hit writer led to the breakdown of her marriage – and what could be found in the disruption that followed it all. Throughout it all, Maggie’s love of creativity and solitude has been a constant – something she speaks to me about in this episode. We also talk about finding love in middle age, and the joy of a relationship that’s free from the pressure of milestones.

Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.

Takeaways

• Alone time can be a positive and restorative experience, especially for creative individuals.
• Being in a relationship that is not working can be lonelier than being alone.
• Financial independence and self-sufficiency are important for personal empowerment.
• There is freedom in choosing a relationship without merging lives and milestones.
• Alone time is essential for creativity and self-reflection.

Chapters

00:00

Introduction and Small Talk

03:33

Exploring the Meaning of Alone

04:27

Aloneness as a Positive and Restorative Experience

05:24

The Irony of Being an Introverted Writer

06:24

The Challenges of Being an Introverted Writer in the Public Eye

08:15

Navigating Life After Divorce

09:43

The Loneliness of Incompatible Partnership

10:41

Living Alone vs. Living Without a Partner

11:36

The Myth of Partnership Solving Loneliness

13:29

The Shift in Attitudes Towards Being Alone

14:52

The Impact of Age on Relationship Choices

16:13

The Pressure to Settle Down and Have Children

17:32

Financial Independence and Self-Sufficiency

18:45

The Liberation of Not Racing Through Relationship Milestones

19:58

The Freedom of Choosing a Relationship Without Merging Lives

21:20

Balancing Independence and Vulnerability

22:48

The Lack of Cultural Models for Non-Traditional Relationships

23:44

The Beauty of Constant Companionship

24:43

The Negative Side of Hyper-Independence

25:39

The Importance of Alone Time for Creativity

27:29

Learning to Accept Help and Support

28:54

Returning to a Special Place for Solitude

31:43

The Restorative Power of Writing Alone

33:09

The Impact of Professional Success on Relationships

35:31

The Evolution of Creativity After Having Children

39:21

The Joy of Having Unstructured Alone Time

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Ever wondered about the relationship between sleep and ‘alone time’? That’s the topic of this week’s episode with Dr Kat Lederle, a sleep scientist and chronobiologist (read: ‘body clock scientist’). I don’t know about you, but as someone who occasionally sits up for hours in the early morning with insomnia, I’d never considered how a lack of ‘me-time’ in the day might turn into a sleepless night… this conversation truly opened my eyes, and gave a fresh view on why quality alone time is just so important, not only for our waking hours but for our sleeping ones too. 

We discuss, among other things:

• How a lack of ‘me-time’ can lead to sleeplessness and insomnia
• Why the best bedtime routines actually begin in the day
• Whether or not it’s a good idea to journal before bedtime
• The value of taking ‘mini-breaks’ throughout the day

You can learn more about Dr Kat Lederle and the Somnia sleep clinic on the Somnia.org.uk website.

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon, Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you so much to Flash Pack for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Flash Pack is a travel company that offers boutique group adventures for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s. Visit flashpack.com/alonement to learn more and quote ALONEMENT at check-out for £100 off your first trip.

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Talk about an alonement icon – radio DJ & broadcaster Vick Hope is a woman who radiates everything this podcast is about, as a sunny, ambitious, beautiful soul with an infectious passion for life, or as she puts it 'a gratitude for being alive'. This episode was recorded in September 2020, and in the full episode Vick talks about living alone, being single and building a relationship with herself after a one-time fear of time by herself. While no longer single (Vick is rumoured to be engaged to Calvin Harris), this is a universal message of what it means to celebrate your aloneness as a unique individual – regardless of your life stage stage or romantic relationship status. Listening back to this gives me chills, and I hope it resonates with you in a similar way. Another reason this one is close to my heart: the full-length of this episode was recently nominated for an award at the Skylark International Women's Podcast Awards, ceremony to come – the award is appropriately titled 'Moment of Insight From a Role Model'.

Twitter: @ChezSpecter @vicknhope

Instagram: @ChezSpecter @vickhope

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As political protests go, a four-year vow of celibacy is on the extreme side. And that’s what this week’s guest, British-American film director & writer Emma Forrest, decided to do following her divorce from actor Ben Mendelsohn, a period of her life which coincided with Donald Trump serving as the 45th US President from 2017 to 2021. ‘Looking at him makes me not want to have sex,’ Emma reasoned – devoting herself to single parenting, finding joy in solitude, relocating from sunny LA to not-so-sunny London  – and writing a memoir, Busy Being Free: A Lifelong Romantic Is Seduced By Solitude, about all of the above.  

In this episode, we discuss:

• How, as a single parent, Emma has instilled an appreciation for healthy solitude in her daughter
• What it takes to have a ‘good divorce’
• How celibacy helped cure Emma of her ‘addiction’ to romance
• Why Emma’s ultimate sexual fantasy begins with a day of uninterrupted writing
• The joy of leaving a bad movie mid-way through

You can order Emma Forrest’s book, Busy Being Free: A Lifelong Romantic is Seduced by Solitude, now on Bookshop.org

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon, Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you so much to Flash Pack for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Flash Pack is a travel company that offers boutique group adventures for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s. Visit flashpack.com/alonement to learn more and quote ALONEMENT at check-out for £100 off your first trip.

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Mo Gawdat, bestselling author, podcaster & former chief business officer of Google X, is the star of this week's minisode, taken from our conversation first recorded in September 2021. In this clip from the archives, Mo shares his unique advice for learning to be alone comfortably with our thoughts, ie the gold standard of alonement. With a background in engineering, Mo is one of the most original thinkers I've ever met – and I hope you can be inspired by this cherry-picked snippet of wisdom from our episode together.

Mo Gawdat's latest book, That Little Voice In Your Head, is available to buy now.

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon, Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

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This week’s guest is Phoebe Fox, aka Marial from The Great, who acts alongside Elle Fanning and Nicholas Hoult in Hulu’s deliciously irreverent ‘anti-historical’ comedy-drama. I interviewed Phoebe, a RADA-trained actor who's been nominated both an Olivier and a SAG, earlier this year for GLAMOUR magazine, and I enjoyed our conversation so much that I begged her to come on the podcast so we could continue it. 

We discuss, among other things:

• The ‘grounding’ that helps Phoebe step out of her character after a long day of performing
• How Phoebe and her fellow actor husband Kyle Soller have navigated living away from each other during long filming schedules
• Why it’s important to define your own idea of success
• Phoebe’s discovery of meditation during lockdown

You can watch The Great now on Channel 4. 

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon and Waterstones.

Thank you so much to Flash Pack for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Flash Pack is a travel company that offers boutique group adventures for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s. Visit flashpack.com/alonement to learn more and quote ALONEMENT at check-out for £100 off your first trip.

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For this week's mini-episode, I'm revisiting my conversation with Dr Julie Smith, a clinical psychologist turned bestselling author known better by her Instagram handle, Dr Julie, or simply as that therapist off TikTok. In this clip, we take a deep dive into what it means to journal well. Of course, we see a lot on Instagram about journalling, but as inspiring as that can sometimes be, I wanted to go deeper than picture-perfect stationery. Dr Julie, in this ten-minute clip, goes to the core of what journalling does to our brain – and how it serves as a unique tool to help us process emotions, through helping us put names to our emotions and through reducing rumination. She also offers alternative to journalling for those who, whatever reason, don't get on well with it.

You can order Dr Julie Smith's book, Why Has No One Told Me This Before?, now from Amazon and Waterstones.

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon and Waterstones.

Thank you so much to Flash Pack for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Flash Pack is a travel company that offers boutique group adventures for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s. Visit flashpack.com/alonement to learn more and quote ALONEMENT at check-out for £100 off your first trip.

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Described by close friend Bear Grylls as ‘stronger than 99% of the men I know’, Megan Hine is a survival expert and TV presenter who works on and off camera to make some of the most extreme adventure shows on television happen. She also holds a degree in psychology – just another string to her already-very-loaded bow. I managed to catch Megan during one of the rare occasions she wasn’t on location for her day job, wrestling tigers, escaping tribal warfare or climbing a mountain (I’m not even exaggerating…). During this podcast interview, she chats to me via Zoom from her home in Wales – with the gorgeous sound of birdsong and clucking chickens.

We discuss, among other things:

• Megan’s incredible, self-designed career as a survival expert – and how it began with her taking solo mountain expeditions at the tender age of nine
• Being a ‘survivalist’ – and how we can apply those skills to our everyday lives
• Why taking a ‘pause’ is an essential survival skill 
• What happened when Megan experienced burn-out
• What ‘going bushy’ means – and how it applies to lockdown

You can learn more about Megan Hine on her website, Meganhine.com. 

You can order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon, Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you so much to Flash Pack for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Flash Pack is a travel company that offers boutique group adventures for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s. Visit flashpack.com/alonement to learn more and quote ALONEMENT at check-out for £100 off your first trip.

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As Florence Given tops the fiction bestseller charts with her debut novel, Girlcrush, I decided now would be a brilliant time to revisit this episode – first released in July 2020, after the release of her non-fiction book, Women Don't Owe You Pretty. In this clip, the writer, illustrator & podcast host shares how she learnt a crucial lesson about alone time at the age of 14, when she was 'ousted' from her school clique.

If you'd like to learn more about Florence, her books are available on Amazon, while you can also listen to her hugely successful podcast, Exactly. With Florence Given on all good podcast platforms.

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon,  Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

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I’m delighted to welcome Sunday Times bestselling author Owen O’Kane on to the show this week. Previously an NHS Clinical Lead for mental health, Owen is now a psychotherapist and bestselling author. His books have all sorts of intriguing names, like Ten Times Happier and Ten To Zen. But when I saw the title of his latest book, How To Be Your Own Therapist, my ears pricked up. This is a podcast about alone time and how to make it better – and given that therapy is something which many of us consider valuable, but remains expensive and inaccessible to many, I thought that self-therapy, as Owen describes it, sounds like a brilliant use of your alone time. In this episode, he reveals some of the practical wisdom he shares in his latest book – plus, a little more about his own background, and what led him on the his career path, plus how he likes to spend his alone time.

We discuss, among other things:

• How to stop living on autopilot and tune into the emotions driving your behaviour
• Owen’s practical, daily tips to administer ‘self-therapy’
• Owen shares the biggest indication, for him, that he needs some time alone
• We discover Owen’s background, and what led him to pursue this career
• How alone time helps therapists recover from the emotional toll of their job

You can order Owen O Kane's latest book, How To Be Your Own Therapist, now from Bookshop.org. 

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon, Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you so much to Flash Pack for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Flash Pack is a travel company that offers boutique group adventures for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s. Visit flashpack.com/alonement to learn more and quote ALONEMENT at check-out for £100 off your first trip.

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@Owenokaneten

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Welcome to ‘Me Time’, Alonement’s new, weekly series of 10-minute mini episodes from the archives. We’ll be showcasing the very best wisdom from some of our favourite former guests, in bitesize episodes designed for those smaller pockets of Alonement that you get throughout your day.          

I'm kicking off with a slice of Alonement history: an excerpt from the episode with philosopher, author & School of Life founder Alain de Botton, originally recorded in November 2019. It was actually the first ever episode I recorded of this podcast, and one of the few I got to record in person ahead of the pandemic – at Alain’s office in north London. This recording happened at a time where I was still shaping my own understanding of alonement, and why it matters. Alain was challenging, in a way that proved invaluable. There’s no instant magic in taking time alone, he argued. Long periods of time alone won’t lead to self-knowledge, just like that. Essentially, we need to think about what we’re doing in that alone time, and make sure we’re spending that time in a conscious way - in order to make it ALONEMENT. In this clip, he takes us through a practical exercise we can do when we’re alone: an exercise that involves asking ourselves hard questions about our relationships, our career, and our friends – in order to work out who we are, and what we want; to tune into our intuition, rather than let our major life decisions be dictated by external influences. 

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There are certain rites of passage that take place after a major break-up. For some, it’s a hair-cut or a big solo trip, or a regrettable rebound with someone the polar opposite of your ex. My guest this week, Alice Vincent, departed from the cliches: for her, it was growing plants. In her partly autobiographical books, Rootbound and more recently Why Women Grow, Alice chronicles how she came to growing plants as a way to heal and regain a sense of control after a break-up in her late twenties. As her life has changed – Alice is now married with her first child – gardening has remained a constant for her. In this episode, we discuss how Alice has navigated the changes of the past seven years, how gardening has allowed her to maintain a version of independence throughout it, and why she never feels lonely while out in the garden. Later, Alice also shares her tips for beginning your gardening journey by yourself, whether it’s just growing herbs on a windowsill, using a balcony space or joining a community garden. 

Takeaways

• Alone time can be a valuable and fulfilling experience, allowing for personal growth and self-reflection.
• Creating personal space, whether through gardening or other activities, can provide a sense of independence and freedom.
• Navigating relationships and sharing space with a partner requires constant communication and a willingness to compromise.
• Taking time alone, whether through solo trips or dedicated alone time at home, can be rejuvenating and empowering.

00:00

Introduction

04:34

Transition to Writing

06:27

Exploring Alonement

07:43

Defining Alone

09:38

Aloneness in Different Life Stages

10:35

The Luxury of Alone Time

13:04

Navigating Alone Time

14:28

Themes in Rootbound and Why Women Grow

15:21

Finding Solace in Gardening

19:46

Creating Space for Oneself

20:46

Gardening as a Solitary Activity

24:41

The Meditative Nature of Gardening

27:03

Living with a Partner and Maintaining Independence

30:16

The Ambivalence of Sharing Space

34:32

Choosing Relationships on One's Own Terms

38:52

Creating Personal Space

43:37

Tips for Starting a Growing Journey

47:21

Taking Time Alone

50:07

Ultimate Alone Time

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Iona Bain is a personal finance expert who appears regularly on BBC Morning Live and writes a weekly column for the i Paper. She’s written two books, her second is Own It – a millennial guide to investing. On a personal level, she’s also recently made the big step of buying her first flat as a solo   buyer – a process she described to me in an email as a ‘learning curve’. In this episode, we discuss questions around solo finance – including the cost of living alone and the dreaded ‘single’ supplement’ – which, as many of you will know, is the additional cost often associated with doing things solo, from getting a hotel room to buying food in the supermarket. So many of you had specific questions you wanted me to ask Iona, so in the second half of this episode I’ll be bringing out some crowd-sourced audience questions.

We discuss, among other things:

• How Iona went from a musician who stored cash from gigs in a piggy bank, to a leading money expert.
• Iona's journey to buying her own place alone (and why she's transparent about having had help)
• Why our relationship with money is about more than just numbers – there's emotion involved, too
• The Single Supplement and how to navigate it
• How learning to spend time alone can help us not only save, but also spend on what matters to us

You can order Iona Bain's latest book, Own It, now from Bookshop.org. 

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon, Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you so much to Flash Pack for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Flash Pack is a travel company that offers boutique group adventures for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s. Visit flashpack.com/alonement to learn more and quote ALONEMENT at check-out for £100 off your first trip.

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Welcome to the tenth and final episode of season 6. This week’s episode is the second of two live recordings I did back to back at Kings Place in London – which was recorded in front of an audience. My guest is Abigail Bergstrom, the literary agent behind some of the biggest bestselling books in the past few years. More recently, at the beginning of this year, Abigail published her own debut novel, titled What A Shame. It is a beautifully-written story which explores everything from heartbreak and healing to the occult. I can testify to loving Abigail’s book so much I read the whole thing in one sitting, over the course of an evening. During our conversation, we discussed among other things the importance of turning up as your ‘best self’ for alonement (i.e not completely hungover or tired – because you wouldn’t turn up like that for a date!); the role that alone time plays in emotional healing; plus, why despite being a lover of solitude Abigail will never be taking herself off to a cabin in the woods – and feels a little bit miffed when her boyfriend goes for solo breaks in a log cabin. I hope you enjoy listening. 

You can order Abigail Bergstrom’s book, What a Shame, now from Amazon and Waterstones.

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon and Waterstones.

Thank you so much to Flash Pack for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Flash Pack is a travel company that offers boutique group adventures for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s. Visit flashpack.com/alonement to learn more and quote ALONEMENT at check-out for £100 off your first trip.

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Contact: press@alonement.com

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This week, I have something very special for you – it’s the first ever live recording of Alonement, which was recorded in front of an audience at Kings Place in London. In what was a fairly ambitious move, I decided to record not one but two episodes back to back – which I’ll be releasing this week and next. The first guest to join me on stage was Olivia Petter, the author of Millennial Love, a brilliant memoir and social commentary on the modern dating landscape. She’s also the host of a podcast of the same name, which I’ve been lucky enough to be a guest on in the past. Oh, and your ears do not deceive you, that really is a gospel choir singing faintly at the beginning due to a slight timings clash at the concert hall – bear with us, it only goes on for the first 90 seconds. Let’s just call it divine intervention. 

During this episode, we discuss everything from the how-tos and how-nots of bringing solitude to your relationship to the frankly bizarre terms used to describe dating in online dating ('Cuffing'? 'Breadcrumbing?' We're exhausted!). This was a lively and, well, live conversation, and I hope you enjoy it as much as we (and the audience) did.

You can order Olivia Petter’s book, Millennial Love, now from Amazon and Waterstones.   

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon and Waterstones.

Thank you so much to Flash Pack for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Flash Pack is a travel company that offers boutique group adventures for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s. Visit flashpack.com/alonement to learn more and quote ALONEMENT at check-out for £100 off your first trip.

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Contact: press@alonement.com

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My very special guest this week is Emma Gannon, host of the Ctrl Alt Delete podcast, one of my absolute favourite shows and the first I ever listened to. Now a prolific author of both fiction and non-fiction, Emma is a true career inspiration – and well as an example of how to live a varied, creative life. Her latest book is Disconnected: How To Stay Human In An Online World, a practical guide to finding connection and community both online and off – in a nutshell, how to make our internet with the digital world that little bit better. As someone whose online brand is so established she was once described as ‘Miss Internet’ by Emma Barnett on Woman’s Hour, Emma is a true authority on how to approach our internet age in a more rewarding way – and I loved her suggestion that true connection begins not with other people, but with a deeper fundamental connection to ourselves first. Tune in to hear our conversation, which is jam packed with insights about everything from choosing a child-free life to Emma’s top tips for solo weekends away (my favourite? Pack your comfiest slippers!). 

You can order Emma Gannon’s latest book, (Dis)connected: How To Stay Human In An Online World, now from Amazon and Waterstones.

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon and Waterstones.

Thank you so much to Flash Pack for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Flash Pack is a travel company that offers boutique group adventures for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s. Visit flashpack.com/alonement to learn more and quote ALONEMENT at check-out for £100 off your first trip.

Twitter:

@ChezSpecter

@emmagannon  

Instagram:

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@emmagannonuk

Contact: press@alonement.com

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Become the author of your own story – that's the promise from this week's guest, Roxie Nafousi, a self-development coach and bestselling author of Manifest: 7 Steps To Living Your Best Life, who champions the power of manifesting to bring about positive transformation in your life. Manifesting is a deceivingly simple concept; in a nutshell, it means changing your thought patterns in order to bring about positive change in your life and meet your goals. But it requires not just thought, but action – explains Roxie, who talks me through the power of solo practices like journaling, vision boarding and meditating in order to think hard about what you want from your career, relationships and creative life. This definitely convinced me of the merits of the practice, which some have written off as woo-woo or unrealistic but, actually, is firmly grounded in practical, realistic steps and intentionality. Plus, yes, quality alonement – which, yes I'm biased, but I maintain is the unifying force behind most modern day personal development practice. Anyway, have a listen, let me know what you thought, and I'll be back next week with a shiny new episode.

You can order Roxie Nafousi’s book, Manifest, now from Amazon and Waterstones. 

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon and Waterstones.

Thank you so much to Flash Pack for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Flash Pack is a travel company that offers boutique group adventures for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s. Visit flashpack.com/alonement to learn more and quote ALONEMENT at check-out for £100 off your first trip.

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Contact: press@alonement.com

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This week's guest is Isy Suttie! The comedian, author and actor best known (among Peep Show fanatics) for playing the character of Dobby on the hit British sitcom. We discuss Isy Suttie's debut novel, Jane Is Trying, together with her stand-up comedy career and relationship with fellow comedian (and alone time fan, by the sounds of things!) Elis James. What follows is a gorgeous chat about the value of integrating alone time into your professional and family life, in order to live and create meaningfully. My Peep Show obsession is now in fierce competition with my adoration for the lovely, warm & wise soul that is Isy Suttie. I also have 100x more respect for the sheer craftsmanship and art form of comedy, a career which makes Isy’s other lines of work (you know, casually writing a book and acting in an award-winning TV series) sound like a breeze, comparatively. Anyway, happy listening – Isy is a joy.

You can order Isy Suttie’s book, Jane Is Trying, now from Amazon and Waterstones. 

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon and Waterstones.

Thank you so much to Flash Pack for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Flash Pack is a travel company that offers boutique group adventures for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s. Visit flashpack.com/alonement to learn more and quote ALONEMENT at check-out for £100 off your first trip.

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@IsySuttie

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Contact: press@alonement.com

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This week’s guest is author and journalist Angelica Malin, who recently published Unattached: Empowering Essays on Singlehood, a curated anthology of 30 writers (including me!) exploring the experience of being single, which was published by Square Peg earlier this year. Angelica, or Jelly as I know her, just so happens to be one of my closest friends. During our conversation, we discuss how our close friendship (and having other ‘single’ friends) is one of the most important factors in navigating a happy, ‘unattached’ lifestyle – from being each other’s plus-ones at parties to empowering one another to take solo trips to Santorini (you’re going to love Angelica’s account of hers). Angelica also shares how the breakdown of a five-year-long relationship at the beginning of the pandemic led to her creating a community of single women through her work, after deciding she – and others – shouldn’t have to navigate this lifestyle in isolation. This is an intimate conversation between close friends, and I'm so happy that, through the beauty of podcasting, you can be part of it.

You can order Angelica Malin's book, Unattached: Empowering Essays on SInglehood, now from Amazon and Waterstones. 

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon and Waterstones.

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My guest this week, Oliver Burkeman, may be many things – but he's not a productivity expert. Thankfully, the former Guardian columnist rejects both the societal obsession with productivity hacking and the idea of being an expert (he'd much prefer to be regarded as a work in progress tackling the problems he personally struggles with through his work, he tells me on this episode). While Oliver makes no lofty claims about his wisdom, I'm going to do it for him. The bestselling author of Four Thousand Weeks – a provocative title when you find out it refers to the average human lifespan – and other personal development books such as Addicted To Busy is a soothing balm to anyone who finds themselves chronically trying to do everything, and feeling inadequate in the process. During this episode, we discuss the value of taking time for yourself within a busy, people-focused life; the unexpected overlap between an obsession with productivity and spending time alone; and we also talk about why coworking spaces are the absolute best for alone togetherness.

You can order Oliver Burkeman's book, Four Thousand Weeks, now from Amazon and Waterstones. 

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon and Waterstones.

Thank you so much to Flash Pack for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Flash Pack is a travel company that offers boutique group adventures for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s. Visit flashpack.com/alonement to learn more and quote ALONEMENT at check-out for £100 off your first trip.

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She’s famous for her 60-second videos, yet I was lucky enough to have a full 60 MINUTES interviewing this week’s guest, the wonderful Dr Julie Smith. She’s the clinical psychologist, online educator and ‘TikTok therapist’ who has been looking after the emotional health of her 3 and a half million (!) followers over the past three years through her light-hearted yet information-filled videos, which break down complex psychological concepts with the help of dance, handy props and lip-syncing. Yup, you can learn and have fun, kids! Once I'd stopped shamelessly gushing over Julie – oh you bet I cut that bit out – we had a fabulous discussion about everything from creating an actual IRL self-soothing box (which I will immediately be off to do after uploading this episode) to the emotional education that comes from watching Jim Carrey films. 

You can order Dr Julie Smith's book, Why Has No One Told Me This Before?, now from Amazon and Waterstones. 

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon and Waterstones.

Thank you so much to Flash Pack for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Flash Pack is a travel company that offers boutique group adventures for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s. Visit flashpack.com/alonement to learn more and quote ALONEMENT at check-out for £100 off your first trip.

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@Dr_Julie_Smith

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Contact: press@alonement.com

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As far as being 'alone' goes, my guest Erling Kagge has experienced the extreme end of the spectrum. The first man to ever complete the Three Poles challenge (that's Mount Everest, the North Pole and the South Pole) on foot, Erling once spent 50 days alone, without radio contact, during his solo South Pole expedition in 1992 – a feat which saw him featured on the cover of Time magazine the following year. While it's impossible not to be awed by Erling's achievements, this podcast has always – at its core – celebrated those more moderate, everyday form of aloneness accessible to us all. Which is why the next part of this famous Polar explorer's career is so fascinating: he went on to write books with beautifully-simple, inclusive titles, Walking: One Step At A Time and Silence: In The Age Of Noise, which offer a guide, based on Erling's unique vantage point, of how we can access the stillness and solitude inside our own minds through simple everyday practices. 'After having travelled to hundreds of countries,' he tells me, 'My interpretation is the universe in your own mind – your body, your soul – is just as mysterious and huge as the universe stretching out to the stars and the planets'.

We discuss, among other things:

• Why Erling found living in London lonelier than 50 days & nights alone in the South Pole
• How being a Polar explorer can affect your relationships
• The relationship between time alone and fulfilling your life's potential
• How being close to nature helps you to be present

You can order Erling Kagge's book, Silence In The Age Of Noise, now from Amazon and Waterstones. 

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon and Waterstones.

Thank you so much to Flash Pack for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Flash Pack is a travel company that offers boutique group adventures for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s. Visit flashpack.com/alonement to learn more and quote ALONEMENT at check-out for £100 off your first trip.

Twitter:

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Instagram:

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Contact: press@alonement.com

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Leslie Stephens is the writer behind Morning Person, a top 10 Substack newsletter that chronicles her life in Portland, Oregon. In August last year, shortly after her 30th birthday, Leslie announced to her readers that she was separating from her husband. Over the past 18 months, she’s chronicled her journey of living by herself for the first time, including her recent solo house purchase – which we chat about in this episode. She also shares her advice – as a former food and lifestyle editor – of establishing a home by yourself, and – crucially – for yourself, rather than designing around the absence of someone else. Whether or not you’re already familiar with Leslie’s work, this conversation is full of gems for any kind of solo living – I hope you get as much from it as I did.

Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device. This season of Alonement was edited by Pineapple Audio Production.

Chapters

00:00

Introduction

01:00

Learning to Make a Home for One

02:25

Designing a Home as a Solo Liver

05:22

The Challenges and Mistakes of Designing Alone

06:47

Designing with a Partner vs Designing Alone

10:59

The Lack of Resources for Solo Living

11:55

Creating Content for Solo Living

13:17

Making Changes in a Solo Living Space

14:44

The Importance of Solitude in Designing a Home

19:44

The Lack of Resources for Designing a First Home Alone

21:08

Building a New Relationship with a Parent

22:32

Navigating the Grey Areas of Life

25:16

Coping with Weekends and Sundays Alone

27:07

Finding Joy in Cooking for One

32:29

Creating Recipes and Experimenting with Cooking Alone

38:11

The Inspiration Behind the Novel 'You're Safe Here'

46:26

Maintaining Solitude in a Relationship

47:45

The Ultimate Alonement: Movement and Stillness

10:00

The Importance of Self-Awareness

20:00

The Role of External Validation

30:00

Navigating Comparison and Social Media

40:00

The Impact of Internal Dialogue

48:40

Conclusion

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For Radhika Sanghani, author of the brilliant new novel 30 Things I Love About Myself, time alone holds an important significance as the space where she’s learnt the true meaning of self-love. Her book even includes an aspirational, alonement-loving heroine… and what could be better? Appearing as my first guest on this season of the podcast, Radhika brings an infectious, empowering energy and a whole smorgasbord of wise insights, from the relevance of her spirituality for her alone time to how she’s ‘proved herself’ to herself through solo travel: ‘I can tick that off my “being brave” list!’. 

We also discuss: 

• Why talking to yourself gets a bad rep (but is perfectly normal, we hope!)
• How to rewire your inner monologue
• Whether self love is fixed, or requires constant maintenance 
• Dating yourself, and why it matters

Happy listening. With thanks to our sponsor, Flash Pack, a travel company that offers boutique group adventures for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s. Visit flashpack.com/alonement to learn more and quote ALONEMENT at check-out for £100 off your first trip.

You can order Radhika Sanghani’s book, 30 Things I Love About Myself, now from Amazon and Waterstones. 

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon and Waterstones.

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Contact: press@alonement.com

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Can you believe we’ve reached season finale time *already*? No, me neither, to be honest… but we’re out with a bang! Natasha Lunn, the author of Sunday Times bestseller and one of 2021’s most talked-about non-fiction titles, Conversations on Love, is my marvellous final guest for season five of the podcast. 

Natasha’s debut book, Conversations On Love, is inspired by her bimonthly newsletter of the same name. Over the past four years, she’s interviewed leading psychotherapists, writers & thought leaders, from Alain de Botton, Dolly Alderton, Esther Perel and Philippa Perry, on the subject of love, in all its forms.

We discuss, among other things, the relationship between solitude and loving other people; why we shouldn’t make false divisions between ‘single people’ and ‘coupled up people’; the process of ‘enmeshment’ and how it can affect a relationships; how friendships have ‘phases’, just like romantic relationships; myriad forms of loneliness; and so much more.

Natasha is a wise and thoughtful interviewee – and this was a very special conversation to end the season with.

Tata for now, friends. Remember you can always get in touch via Twitter (@ChezSpecter) and Instagram (@ChezSpecter/@alonementofficial) – and of course, if you’ve loved this season, I’d love it if you could leave a review on Apple Podcasts to share what you thought. See you next season!

Natasha’s book, Conversations On Love, is out now.

My book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, is out now from Amazon, Waterstones and all good bookshops. 

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This week I’m talking to Michael James Wong, the founder of global mindfulness collective Just Breathe. Earlier this year, he launched a brilliant meditation app of the same name. He is committed to bringing mindfulness to people around the world – whether that’s through in-person events which in the past have attracted over 1,000 participants, or through being connected online. He’s also just about the calmest person I’ve ever spoken to. His latest book, Senzaruru: Small Steps and Gentle Wisdom to Heal the World, really speaks to Michael’s ‘less is more’ philosophy. In this conversation we discuss the value of bringing the quiet, stillness and calm of mindfulness to our alone time – even if that’s just 10 minutes a day. We also discuss the idea of ‘inaction skills’ – which is basically a skillset around doing nothing, and just sitting with our thoughts. Enjoy listening – wherever you are – and I hope you reap the benefits of taking this for yourself.

Homework:

My book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, is also out now from Amazon, Waterstones and all good bookshops. 

You can download Michael’s meditation app, Just Breathe, on iOS and Google Play.

Social links:

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