Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. 

On this episode, we answer these questions:

• What does it mean to be sexually healthy as a single?
• What type of boundaries should I have for dating?
• I’ve heard of the “love cocktail” of chemicals people experience when falling in love. Can a person actually experience withdrawals from feeling in love?

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. 

In this episode, we answer these questions: 

• What comes first: thoughts, feelings, or behaviors?
• I grew up in a home where we didn’t talk about feelings. How can I learn more about feelings, so I can teach my kids about feelings?
• I struggle with talking about feelings, especially to my husband. What can I do to get better at communicating my feelings?

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. In this episode, we answer these questions: 

• Is calling a sexual sin “addiction” just excusing the behavior?
• Is sex addiction real?
• People who struggle with sex addiction, why can’t they just stop the behavior?

Unraveled: Managing Love, Sex, and Relationships

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. In this episode, we answer these questions: 

• What is betrayal trauma?
• My husband says I'm overreacting but the pain and foggy-headedness I'm feeling seem uncontrollable. Is it possible to heal from betrayal trauma?
• Women I’ve been with in group use phrases like "before Pure Desire and after Pure Desire.” What are they referring to?

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. 

In this episode, we answer these questions: 

• Is fantasy ever okay?
• Should my husband share his fantasies with me?
• I can’t be intimate with my husband unless I fantasize. How can I practice being more present?

Show Notes

The Fantasy Fallacy, by Shannon Ethridge

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. 

In this episode, we answer these questions: 

• I quit drinking and now I don’t enjoy sex. How can I learn to like sex again?
• I am afraid to re-engage with my husband sexually after quitting porn. How do I learn to become aroused by my husband instead?
• My husband and I are doing well with our recovery and healing but I’m still afraid to engage sexually, because I can’t get the images of his porn use and affairs out of my head. Will this ever go away and what can I do to help this process?

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. 

In this episode, we answer these questions: 

• I’m nervous about telling anyone what’s really happening in my marriage. Where can I find safe people?
• Since discovery, I feel like I’m going crazy! Where can I find help?
• Is this long, expensive process going to fix anything, when I’m not the one with the problem?

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Since 2016, Ashley Jameson and Heather Kolb have supported, educated, and equipped women to experience sexual health, healing from betrayal trauma, and success in relationships. We know what it’s like to be in crisis—searching for answers—and continually hearing the churchy answer. Each week, you’ll hear real talk about sex and relationships from a biblical and clinical perspective.

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. 

In this episode, we answer these questions: 

• I could go the rest of my life without sex. Is this normal?
• My husband is sexually anorexic. What does this say about me?
• Does the Bible really tell us we can’t withhold sex from our husbands?

The Great Sex Rescue, by Sheila Wray Gregoire

Betrayal & Beyond

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. 

On this episode, we answer the following questions:

• I’m five days post disclosure and I’m clueless how to handle this. How should I feel? Can I sleep with my husband if I want and be so angry and hurt at the same time? It’s a weird place to be. He didn’t have an affair but lots of acting out online in chat rooms, fantasy too. I think I’m still numb, is that normal? I’m also a therapist so I feel like I know the answers to these questions but it's different when you are on this side of the fence. a little. maybe a lot, I dunno. Does that help?
• Why do things like violent sex scenes and nude women arouse me?
• We are trying to recover from my husband's SA [Sex Addiction]. He is getting counseling and I know our intimacy needs to be restored one day at a time. Is it wrong within our marriage for him to say explicit words to me? I feel like he's trying to make me feel safe but at the same time these words trigger me.

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. In this episode, we answer these questions: 

• I’m in a Betrayal & Beyond group and it’s teaching me so much about emotional awareness and health. My husband is in a Seven Pillars group and he’s not learning anything about emotional health or betrayal trauma? Why is this?
• When/How will my husband learn to be empathetic and take responsibility for the pain he’s caused me, if it’s not in the Seven Pillars work?
• My husband has been in group for months and I’m not seeing any changes in his attitude or behaviors. Can I talk to his group leader to find out if he’s actually doing the work?

Show notes:

Help Her Heal, by Carol Juergensen Sheets

Help Them Heal, by Carol Juergensen Sheets

Worthy of Her Trust, by Stephen Arterburn

Pure Desire Counseling

Betrayal & Beyond  (Women's Betrayal Resource)

Seven Pillars of Freedom (Men's Recovery Resource)

The Compassionate Warrior (Men's Recovery Resource)

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. In this episode, we answer these questions: 

• Can my husband rape me?
• Can I say no to my husband?
• I feel disconnected when we don't have sex, but when I have sex with my husband I feel used. What can I do to change this pattern?

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On this episode, we answer these questions:

• My question is how do you know if you are actually having an orgasm?
• I don’t know that I have ever enjoyed sex. I can orgasm but I don’t know how to wake my body up. Sex was shamed in my Christian home then I was supposed to enjoy it after marriage but for so long, sex was used as a tool when my husband was in his addiction. We are doing so much better, relationally, after PD but I don’t know how to start liking sex.
• How are the brain and orgasm connected?

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On this episode, we answer these questions:

• My husband went to a “massage parlor” for a hand job about every two weeks until I discovered what he was doing 13 months later. How do I get over the shame?
• My question is, after a 33-year marriage, where I trusted my husband, I found out he was having a long-term affair with a married woman. I suspected porn and seeing some of the pictures on his phone, he was into some very devious stuff. I’m now divorced, and I’m wondering if I can trust another man again to love who I am and not feel like I have to be a woman of the world to grab a man’s attention again. I’m doubting that I’m someone desirable in bed anymore.
• After having sex with my husband, I feel so much shame and often cry. Why is this? We’ve been through the healing process, but I can’t seem to shake these feelings after sex.

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On this episode, we answer the following questions:

• Since discovery, it's been hard for me to know when my husband is telling me the truth. Should I trust my gut intuition even though he’s telling me I’m being paranoid?
• What is gaslighting? Can you give examples of what this looks like?
• What are the best ways to respond if I think someone is gaslighting me?

Show Notes:

The Betrayal Bind, by Michelle Mays

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. In this episode, we answer these questions: 

• Why am I so angry?
• My husband betrayed me; why am I taking it out on my kids?
• Growing up, it was implied that being angry was sinful. I know I'm hurt but how do I know if I'm dealing with anger?

Anger Test

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On this episode, we answer the following questions:

• Everyone thinks he’s the ideal husband, but I’m miserable. Where do I find help if nobody sees the problem?
• Why is it so hard to walk away from someone causing me pain?
• My husband and I are in counseling, and the counselor thinks I’m the one overreacting. What can I do?

If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!

Full Episode On Youtube

Betrayal & Beyond

Unraveled: Managing Love, Sex, and Relationships

Authentically You

Seven Pillars

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex & Love, with Ashley and Heather. 

In this episode, we answer these questions: 

• How much do I share with my kids?
• If I tell people about my struggles, will I look like a bad mom? 
• How do I avoid hurting my kids while I’m recovering? 
• Will I be able to raise secure kids when I’m such a mess?

If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. 

In this episode, we answer these questions: 

• Since discovery, I can’t seem to function like I did before. I’m crying one minute and angry the next. How long will this last?
• As a betrayed mom, what steps can I take to begin healing and ensure I don’t take out my pain on my kids?
• How much do I share with my kids?

P.S. If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

In this episode, we answer these questions:

• I’m close to completing the Betrayal & Beyond group but it doesn’t seem like our group will continue to interact much after the group ends. I am only 6 months into this journey and still feel like I need the support of a group (especially since no one in my real life knows about this issue). If the recovery process is 3-5 years, what do y’all recommend for continued connection after Betrayal & Beyond? Are there effective ways to try to get our current group to keep connecting? How can I keep building the support I need in my recovery (beyond individual therapy which I do already)?
• My husband and I interact with other couples who've been through Betrayal & Beyond, Conquer Series, Seven Pillars, marriage counseling, etc. What can I say to the betrayed wives who don't want to let go of the anger, or they don't want to forgive their husband? Most husbands are actively trying to stay sober, but the wives feel like they are entitled to stay bitter. My healing journey is a success, because my husband's recovery is a success. My husband says his recovery is a success because my healing is a success. How do I share this with wives with sensitivity, but not come off as holier than thou?
• How do I help the women in my group who are already divorced? Do you have much in the way of resources for them?

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Help Them Heal Book

Unraveled

Divorce Care

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

In this episode, we answer these questions: 

• I feel rage every time I have sex with my husband. I am angry about how he took advantage of me all these years by having sex with himself and stealing my sex. I do NOT want him to feel any pleasure because he has already stolen enough pleasure for a lifetime through abusive behaviors. How can I possibly move forward in this relationship? And I’m a woman who likes sex.
• I am severely unattracted to my husband. He has acted out for our entire marriage, lying about it and pretending to be someone different. He walks around fantasizing that some woman will save him because he is so insecure. I am attracted to men with emotional and spiritual maturity, and a strength that comes from their inner being. Now I just see him as a nerdy teenage boy and I don’t know how to move past this. What should I do?
• Since my husband stepped into recovery, he is entirely different sexually. He used to never arrive during intercourse and now he climaxes so abruptly. This makes me angry. I confronted him numerous times during our marriage about his sexual issues in bed and he always lied and gaslit me about it. Now, our sexual relationship is totally different and I’m angry about it. How am I supposed to forgive 14 years of his lying, manipulating, and behaving like a child?

Full Episode On Youtube

Shelia Wray Gregoire Courses

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

On this episode, we answer the following questions:

• When my husband's secret affair life was exposed, I felt like I had to have sex all of the time to keep him from cheating. Now, he doesn't know how to have sex (or true intimacy) because sex was always "done to him." How do we work through all of this?
• How do I deal with my husband not being sexually interested in me?
• My husband is doing well with his recovery, but I can't get past feeling violated and having attacks on my mind during sex. What should I do?

Pure Desire Podcast For Sex During Recovery

Peace Beyond The Tears

Full Episode On Youtube

Betrayal & Beyond

Unraveled: Managing Love, Sex, and Relationships

Authentically You

Seven Pillars

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

On this episode, we answer the following questions:

• I'm the only one in my group whose husband is not working on recovery or counseling of any kind. How do I navigate this, not manipulate or give ultimatums, and keep myself safe as I engage in this healing process alone?
• For me to feel safe and start rebuilding trust, I’ve asked to see my husband’s emails, but he refuses. He won’t join a men’s recovery group. I don’t know how to deal with this. Am I being unreasonable? I keep thinking something else is coming.
• After years of deception, affairs, porn use, and who knows what, I finally had my breaking point. He was willing to walk away rather than work through it. He could never tell me why. I struggle every day with the why's… And I struggle in support groups because so many are still together, working through it together. Is there such a thing as unresolved betrayal trauma? How do I heal without all the answers?

Full Episode On Youtube

Betrayal & Beyond

Unraveled: Managing Love, Sex, and Relationships

Authentically You

Seven Pillars

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.  In this episode, we answer these questions:

• As a parent in recovery, how do I start the conversation about sexual health with my kids?
• Is there anything about a teen brain that is different from an adult when it comes to struggling sexually or emotionally?
• How can I help my kids who struggle? (not just boys, but girls struggle too)

Full Episode On Youtube

Betrayal & Beyond

Unraveled: Managing Love, Sex, and Relationships

Authentically You

Seven Pillars

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On this episode, we answer the following questions:

• As a parent in recovery, how do I start the conversation about sexual health with my kids?
• Is there anything about a teen brain that is different from an adult when it comes to struggling sexually or emotionally?
• How can I help my kids who struggle?

Full Episode On Youtube

Betrayal & Beyond

Unraveled: Managing Love, Sex, and Relationships

Authentically You

Seven Pillars

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. In this episode, we answer these questions: 

• If we struggle with addictions, why can’t we just quit cold-turkey? 
• How long will it take to fully recover from addictive behaviors?
• How can the Three Circles tool help?

Full Episode On Youtube

Betrayal & Beyond

Unraveled: Managing Love, Sex, and Relationships

Authentically You

Seven Pillars

Three Circles Tool 

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On this episode, we answer these questions:

• I went to my church for help and left feeling more confused and ashamed. What should I do now?
• If I’m a woman who struggles, how do I know if I can go to my church for help? 
• What can churches do to create safe environments for women who need help whether it's their own sexual struggles or betrayal from someone else?

If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!

Full Episode On Youtube

Betrayal & Beyond

Unraveled: Managing Love, Sex, and Relationships

Authentically You

Seven Pillars

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex & Love, with Ashley and Heather. On this episode, we answer these questions:

• I relapsed last weekend and feel so much shame. How do I pick myself up off the floor?
• Who do I tell about my relapse?
• What tools can I use to get back to restoration? 

If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org or simply reply to this email. We can’t wait to hear from you!

Full Episode On Youtube

(All tools are free on our website - https://puredesire.org/tools/ )

FASTER Scale 

Crash Site Analysis 

Recovery Action Plan

Three Circles

Betrayal & Beyond

Unraveled: Managing Love, Sex, and Relationships

Authentically You

Seven Pillars

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

On this episode, we answer the following questions:

• I'm in a Betrayal & Beyond group and it's been great for healing BUT my question is, where do I fit in as the girlfriend? How do I approach a Safety Action Plan when I'm not a spouse and don't really know about relapses or anything in that space?
• We just had our 31st anniversary—second one since disclosure. It was rather miserable for me and I felt myself pulling away and closing down, preventing connection. I can’t reflect and enjoy the memory of our day without feeling like all the memories are tainted and full of lies. Do you have any strategies to have these dates, anniversaries, birthdays, Valentine’s Day, ect., come without all the pain and negative emotions associated with them?
• Can a marriage be healed and restored if both spouses are not doing a Pure Desire group? My husband is doing SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) and I’m in a Betrayal & Beyond group. It would be nice to be doing something that has similar language and would help him understand my betrayal trauma better. Do I need to let it go and realize we will be working on our recovery/healing with different resources?

Full Episode On Youtube 

All Pure Desire Tools

Help Her Heal

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

On this episode, we answer the following questions:

• My husband has cancer and is unable to have an erection without viagra. He's offered to help me achieve orgasm in other ways, but this feels selfish. What do I do?
• How do you deal with your sex drive after your spouse dies? You ladies talked about prior marriages but does it work the same way with the death of a spouse?
• How can you make talking about sex with your spouse more comfortable? Right now it just seems very awkward and uncomfortable bringing it up, so neither of us really talk about our needs.

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Sheila Wray Gregoire's Courses

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Email us your questions! - unfiltered@puredesire.org Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. In this episode, we answer these questions:

• In porn/sex addiction recovery resources, most of them seem to recommend a celibacy period of at least 90 days. My husband, who is a recovering porn addict, uses 1 Corinthians 7:5 to say that is unbiblical, saying that if we "deprive each other" then we will be more likely to fall into temptation. If the celibacy period is truly something that is worth doing to speed up recovery, how do I combat that argument about him saying it is unbiblical?
• What about if my husband relapses during those 90 days? What if we give in and have sex during those 90 days? For both of those prior questions, does this mean that the 90 days should start over?
• What changes happen in the brain due to an abstinence period? Will those changes only happen if someone chooses to do an abstinence period?

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Cleaning Up The Mental Mess

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

On this episode, we answer the following questions:

• What do I do if my boundaries are not honored and my spouse continues to gaslight me and make me feel like the mean one?
• What is the best way to come up with boundaries and what are some good boundaries?
• We have been doing "recovery" for 6 years now. My husband cannot go more than 6 months white knuckling sobriety before diving back into addiction—then lying and telling me he’s sober. I’ve tried setting boundaries and consequences, but nothing sticks. I need help.

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Recovery Action Plan Podcast Episode

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

On this episode, we answer the following questions:

• How do I stop thinking about the prostitutes my husband was with when he and I have sex? How do I get my head sorted out?
• Do you ever get to the point where your spouse's past with a prostitute doesn't bother you or will you always experience triggers?
• What happens when a partner’s porn and sex addiction ends up rearing its ugly head in the marital bedroom?

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

On this episode, we answer the following questions:

• My husband is in a Pure Desire group but does the bare minimum. He says he’s sober and offended that I don’t trust him. He says he will always resent me for asking for a polygraph. Should my husband’s attitude toward me change with recovery?
• Is it an unrealistic expectation that my husband wouldn't fantasize about other women?
• Will my husband always be a sex addict and want his addiction more than me?

Listen Now!

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

On this episode, we answer the following questions:

• How do I process my own betrayal from his porn addiction and abusing my daughters and their friends?
• How do I reconcile with my daughter, who was sexually abused by her dad, whom I'm still married to?
• We have not resumed anything sexual, hardly even touching, as we work with a coach on building intimacy emotionally and spiritually in our relationship. I realized recently that I feel like it will be betraying my daughters to enter a sexual relationship with my husband again. Is it possible to recover and heal from all of this?

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Betrayal & Beyond

Unraveled: Managing Love, Sex, and Relationships

Authentically You

Free Counseling Consultation

Seven Pillars

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Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather.

On this episode, we answer the following questions:

• I’m in a Betrayal & Beyond group and my husband is in a Seven Pillars group. We are working through this painful process. I’m curious about what specifically men are seeking out that they are not being provided with by their partners? Are we talking about specific acts, positions, role playing? I would love to understand what makes pornography better than me.  
• Part of my addicted spouse’s acting out is using me for sex. When it appears he’s doing work, and sex is back in the picture, he goes to cruise control and stops doing his recovery work. Then I feel unsafe and uncared for and used, and he gets upset, and the cycle starts all over again. What would you advise?
• Although my husband is not engaging in porn or masturbation, he does engage in “flashes” and fantasy while having sex with me. He says this is not breaking his sobriety, and according to our counselor it is. I feel violated, used, and betrayed. Can you help me understand more about the issues of “flashes” and fantasy?

Full Episode On Youtube

Betrayal & Beyond

Unraveled: Managing Love, Sex, and Relationships

Authentically You

Seven Pillars

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