Today we're talking about intuition, betrayal, and the kind of subtle control that can be so hard to name. So many women sense that something is wrong in their relationship but talk themselves out of it because they can't point to anything obvious enough to prove it. When I was trying to make sense of the emotional abuse in my marriage, every example I found online was something my ex-husband was far too smart to ever say out loud. Subtle control doesn't look like name-calling or threats. It looks like passive-aggressive comments, plans that suddenly change, and a moving target we can never quite reach. And yet, I don't know many women who look back and say their gut was wrong. We've just been trained, and gaslit, into ignoring it.
My guest, Chel Cartmill, is a next chapter transition specialist who has been coaching since 2007, guiding men and women through divorce, grief, broken relationships, and the longing for a fuller life. She uses tools like emotional regulation, breathwork, and embodiment work to help clients quiet the spiral, trust their own judgment, and break old patterns. She's also the author of Spider on My Neck, a story of deception, betrayal, and the physical warning sign she spent years explaining away.
Together, we unpack a passage from Chel's book about the endless search for the right combination of behaviors that might unlock the husband she thought she married. When I read it, I thought, this is the story of every single one of my clients. We also talk about how to trust our intuition again, and why doing the work and healing matters before stepping into the next relationship. As Chel puts it, every repeated pattern is an "opportunity to spot it, to know, to grow."
What you'll hear about in this episode
-
How the "spider on my neck" became Chel's warning signal, and why the body's early alarms are so easy to explain away (6:12)
-
Why the whole abuse cycle is the relationship, not just the reconciliation phase we keep trying to get back to (25:09)
-
How covert aggression and subtle control create crazy-making that no one outside the marriage can see (28:23)
-
How to tell kids it's okay to love their dad while naming his behavior as not okay (31:13)
-
How Chel runs an "intuition check" in her marriage now, and why curiosity rather than judgment is the way through (41:11)
Learn more about Chel Cartmill:
Chel Cartmill helps people find their footing when life looks different than they expected, or different than they want it to. As a Next Chapter Transition Specialist with coaching experience since 2007, she guides men and women through divorce, grief in all its forms, broken relationships and the longing for a fuller life – stronger relationships, a steadier sense of self and a deeper connection to what matters.
Chel's work goes beyond conversation to deliver the tangible results clients actually come for: the ability to quiet the thoughts spiral, trust their own judgment and move forward with real clarity. Her "how-to" approach equips people to break old patterns, get out of their heads and into their bodies, helping many find their voice for the first time. By teaching practical tools like emotional regulation, breathwork, mindfulness and embodiment work, she partners alongside every client as a neutral observer, encourager and compassionate guide – direct, judgment-free and present through the whole process.
Chel holds multiple advanced certifications, including Trauma-Informed Master Coach, Professional Co-Active Coach (CPCC), Reset Breathwork Facilitator, Grief Coach, and Divorce Coach. She is the author of Spider on My Neck, her debut book releasing this July. She lives in Florida with her husband and their German Shorthaired Pointer, and is never happier than when she is surrounded by family, out on the water, up in the mountains, or discovering a place she has never been before.
Resources & Links:
===================
DISCLAIMER: THE COMMENTARY AND OPINIONS AVAILABLE ON THIS PODCAST ARE FOR INFORMATIONAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROVIDING LEGAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL ADVICE. YOU SHOULD CONTACT AN ATTORNEY, COACH, OR THERAPIST IN YOUR STATE TO OBTAIN ADVICE WITH RESPECT TO ANY PARTICULAR ISSUE OR PROBLEM.
===================
