Redemptive Living Radio – Détails, épisodes et analyse

In this episode, a continuation of episode #113, Jason shares about what it looked like for him to "not take from me" (from a needs perspective) as well as a rubric he used to help keep him focused on what mattered most when I wasn't able or willing to meet his needs. We banter back and forth about staying up late talking recovery (Jason clearly thinks we stayed up until the wee hours of the morning for YEARS), we talk about Jason wanting physical touch from me while lying in bed at night and we also talk about times when he desperately needed something from me while sharing emotionally and I wasn't able to give it to him.

Please note: this had nothing to do with me having a callous heart (although I'm completely capable of that) and more to do with me holding boundaries and also hanging on by a thread and not having anything to pour into the relationship as it was hanging on by said thread.

You can download the rubric Jason talks about in this episode by clicking on the podcast freebie link.

Jason mentions several caveats:

- some women want to know what his needs are, even if both of them know she can't meet the needs. This is more so coming from a place of needing to see him be vulnerable and lean into intimacy. Jason cautioned the guys, in doing this, do not blame her for your needs.

- if a wife says she wants to know (his needs, in vulnerability), jason tells the guys - don't give an inch and take a mile.

Toward the end of the episode, we discuss how this applies when there is severe intimacy aversion, and he doesn't even share that he has needs. I thought this comment was key that Jason said: "the needs get shrouded in other things and expressed in ways that aren't vulerable - as in, they come out in passive aggressiveness or aggressiveness or in wonky expectations of things that don't make any sense."

We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8.

• Shelley mentions Episode #85 when discussing super-sized needs. Here is a link to the episode.

• Registration is OPEN for the next Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men, outside San Antonio, TX. The workshop is April 24-26. Click here for all the details and to register.

• Registration is open for the May RLW Retreat in Rosemary, FL. You can click here for all the details.

• If you are interested in a couples conference/event, we would love for you to let us know by filling out this quick form.

• Ladies, would love for you to consider one of our support groups - there are three new groups starting in April.  You can snag all the details here.

• Same with 1:1 Coaching - if you are curious about 1:1 coaching - start here.

• Anchored, led by Kate Jones, is SOLD OUT.  It is a fantastic class, and if you are interested in taking this class in the future, join the WaitLIst here.  No stress, it WILL come back!

• We will be uploading the video portion of the podcasts to the WOHT Academy website. If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find the signup button for our Public Content Section. If the content is helpful, you might consider joining the Academy membership to access more teaching videos and weekly live teaching with our team.  

• For more information on RL Academy, click here.

• Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.

• Pocast Freebies can be found here. (Please note, you have to email us (see link below) if you need us to send the updated podcast freebies to you. Working on a better way to deliver these, but for now, we need you to let us know if you want the updated list of freebies.)

• We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses, and online courses - check out our websites :redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!

• Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + monthly polls + all the things. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list.

• Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

Hey Guys!

In this episode, we dive into another listener question (or rather, a series of questions) pertaining to him comparing and criticizing her in his addiction (and oftentimes, well after the addiction has stopped).  We have a more casual conversation about this, so if you like structure, check out the show notes below for some scaffolding.  This is such a GREAT question, and as you will see from our conversation, this is complex, important, and STILL something we both work on.

Question #1 - Can a husband help heal his wife's wounds from years of criticism and comparisons to other women?  

The quick answer is unequivocally YES.  We return to this in the latter half of the episode.

Question #2 - Why does he compare her to other women, in his immaturity and in his addiction?  

Some of the reasons include: 

• To shore up his 3I's - (his criticism of her shores up insecurities in him.)

• Faulty standard due to a history of sin around sexual integrity.

• Standards in our culture and our Christian subculture.

• Projecting. (This is similar to shoring up the 3I's.)

For us women, knowing these whys can help us depersonalize comparisons and criticism.

Question #3 - How will this ever work?  How will I ever measure up to what he saw?

• We want to encourage women to be themselves and to NOT change themselves to "be" who they think he is "more" attracted to.  (That is complete nonsense and crazy-making!)

Question #4 - The listener also asked - OR, is this primarily the wife's work, to see her value aside from her husband's actions and words?

• There is grief for us women that it's not even possible to look like what he consumed.  This is a part of our work.

• We also work toward embracing our uniqueness and who we are, not who we are not.

• Finding security (and our value) in the right things.

We then loop back to the first question: can a husband help heal his wife's wounds from years of criticism and comparisons to other women?  I ask Jason what he did to help me heal from his comparisons and criticisms.  And he shares a lot and talks a lot.  Which I am okay with, I'm just letting you guys know what happens - haha!

We end with talking about this real longing for women to feel highly esteemed by him and to be seen as beautiful by him, because of everything she is, not just because of the physical.

We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8.

• Anchored, led by Kate Jones, is open for registration.  It is a fantastic class, and you can find all the details here.

• The Worthy of Her Trust Workshop for men, outside San Antonio, TX, is SOLD OUT. Join the WaitList for the next workshop here.

• Ladies, would love for you to consider one of our support groups in the New Year!  We have several starting, and you can snag all the details here.

• We will be uploading the video portion of the podcasts to the WOHT Academy website. If you scroll to the bottom of this page, you'll find the signup button for our Public Content Section. If the content is helpful, you might consider joining the Academy membership to access more teaching videos and weekly live teaching with our team.  

• For more information on RL Academy, click here.

• Join the community on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.

• Podcast Freebies can be found here.

• We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses, and online courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!

• Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter + monthly polls + all the things. Click here to subscribe to Jason's list.

• Questions for the Podcast? Email us with the subject line: Podcast

In this episode, we talk about the purpose of sexual abstinence or sexual fasting in the recovery process.  Yes, it is important for rewiring the brain (for him) but it's also important for learning authentic intimacy.  We unpack the concept (new to me!) that sexual intimacy is tangled up with all the other forms of intimacy which is part of the reason some men don't have solid relationships with other guys. {(Blew my mind!}  We go into the how, the why, and the what.  We also discuss how it can be helpful for her if she isn't feeling safe in the relationship.  We end with some of the deeper issues that can bubble up while a couple is going through a sexual fast.  We are so glad you are here for this tough topic!  

• MasterClasses can be found here.
• Shelley refers to a section in the Rescued workbook on sexual abstinence - see pages 120-121; for the building blocks of intimacy, see page 118.
• Our friend and colleague, Invia Betjoseph says - "sexual abstinence is like control - alt - delete on the brain"
• Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
• We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites:  redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
• Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason's.
• Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

When it comes to lust, we are missing the point if we are only focusing on eyes and mind.  Lust is a heart and soul matter.  Men have to decide - do I want to live with integrity and honor my wife?   Who is God calling me to be?  Do I want to be that kind of man or not?  These questions, these heart changes are where it starts.  Sure, there is behavior modification (not looking, 1:1 rule) but that in and of itself is not enough.  It must be connected to a deeper purpose.  Jason gives 5-6 practical steps men can take to make the shift in changing how they see.

• Article Shelley referred to from a study conducted at Princeton University on seeing women as objects.
• Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
• We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites:  redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
• Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason's.
• Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

Regular check-ins are a foundational tool for many couples in recovery. It was for us! in this episode we talk about how to view the check-ins (hint: its not a box to check!), how to approach them and why consistency matters. We give a framework for the FITNAP check in that we use with folks and talk about how we transitioned to that from the FANIT found on page 153 in the Rescued Workbook. 

• MasterClasses that we offer - www.redemptiveliving.com/masterclass
• Here is a link to an older video Jason did on Acting In. A tich outdated, but it gives the gist -  Understanding Acting In
• Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
• We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites:  redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
• Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason's.
• Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

In this episode we talk about the difference between integrity issues and addiction. For some wives the label of "addict" can bring relief, because the issue is a quantifiable and there is a plan for help. For others, the label is a death sentence that brings hopelessness. We wanted to give folks an understanding of key characteristics of addiction and talk about why there is resistance for many men to see themselves as addicts. While this is all important, we also want to look through a different lens that takes away the labels and categories, and attempts to get to the heart of the matter - surrender.

• Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
• We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites:  redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
• Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason's.
• Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

We also wanted to shine the light on all the work that he is {hopefully} doing early on in recovery.  Jason goes into some of the internal work he is doing that she might not see - fighting for his integrity, fighting resignation, fighting to not adopt failure as an identity - just to name a few.  We also talk about the work she will start to see - which is a byproduct of the internal work he is doing.  Jason throws out the word characterological - which I question the validity of.  I know better than to do this people.  In Jason's other life, he loves Jeopardy, cross word puzzles and all things word-related.  

• Dusting off some blog post archives - a series on empathy and humility - here is part one, part two and part three.
• Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
• We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites:  redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
• Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason's.
• Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

So apparently men in Jason's office say that they are doing a lot of the early work of recovery (not her). Not to start a fight or anything but…

We dig more into this during this episode of the pod. Truly, when both the husband and wife are engaged in recovery - they are both working really hard. We thought it would be helpful to name what she is doing early on in recovery so that he can really see how much she is working on. Grief work, getting safe, detachment, waiting well. Fighting for hope, self-control, financial sacrifices. So much.

• A recent blog post on detachment.

• Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.

• We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites: redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!

• Click here to subscribe to Shelley's {almost} monthly letter and click here to subscribe to Jason's.

• Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.

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We dig into the trauma model versus the addiction model and of course take some rabbit trails and talk about things like vicarious trust, codependency, trauma and the Redemptive Living way of doing things.  We are so glad you are with us for season #2!  

• It was this episode where Jason mentions codependency and how much he hates that word.
• Click here to order Rescued.
• I continue this conversation on the blog - here is the first of the blog posts on this topic.
• Would love to connect with you on Instagram - @shelley_martinkus.
• We offer 1:1 coaching, couples recovery coaching, support groups, MasterClasses and on-line courses - check out our websites:  redemptiveliving.com and rlforwomen.com for the full scoop!
• Questions for the Podcast? Email Shelley with the subject line: Podcast.