How To Sex – Détails, épisodes et analyse

What should a man know before he dates a nymphomaniac?
With Clint Jahn & Olivia Bury. Listen to the podcast at How To Sex.



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Most people do not understand nymphomania. It’s real, but it’s not a mythological magic power. Nor is a Satyriasis. There is a vast difference between a woman who enjoys sex and has a high sex drive and a nymphomaniac. When referring to a man with the same obsessive sexual compulsion, the correct term is: satyriasis.

Nymphomania is reserved for females.

The overarching behavioral term is hyper-sexuality. Let’s look at what Wikipedia has to say;#

Hypersexuality is extremely frequent or suddenly-increased sexual urges or sexual activity. Hyper-sexuality is typically associated with lowered sexual inhibitions. Hyper-sexuality can be caused by some medical conditions or medications. Medical conditions such as bipolar disorders can give rise to hyper-sexuality, and alcohol and some drugs can affect social and sexual inhibitions in some people. A number of theoretical models have been used to explain or treat hyper-sexuality. The most common one, especially in the popular media, is the sexual addiction approach, but sexologists have not reached any consensus. Alternative explanations for the condition include compulsive and impulsive behavioral models.
The International Classification of Diseases of the World Health Organization includes Excessive Sexual Drive, which is divided into satyriasis for males and nymphomania for females, and Excessive Masturbation.

But perhaps those mythological characters are tools of fantasy by people who’ve become obsessed and driven by inner psychiatric conditions.

The American Psychiatric Association (APA) considered and rejected a proposal to add sexual addiction to its list of psychiatric disorders, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). A proposal to include a diagnosis called hypersexual disorder, simply describing the symptom without implying any specific theory, is under consideration for inclusion in the appendix of the DSM, but not in the main list of official diagnoses. This means that the descriptives are not the illness, but manifested traits of the illness.

Some people call nymphomania ‘sex addiction’, because it can manifest as a destructive compulsion. These people will make unhealthy choices and engage in high risk behaviors to fulfill their desires, which are barely under control. In many ways it is similar to alcoholism, with the recklessness and shame and damage that goes along with that.

Okay, enough of the medical and psychological talk. Let’s talk about how to respond to a person whom you’re suspecting has a compulsive behavior.

C. R. Jahn was in a relationship with a college classmate.

It starts out absolutely thrilling. It can meet & surpass all of a virile 22 year old man’s fantasies; for a short while.

It is theoretically possible to have a healthy monogamous relationship with a nymphomaniac, as long as you engage in open honest communication about your mutual needs and expectations. You will be expected to have sexual relations with her at least three times a day and your cunnilingus skills need to be top tier, otherwise just forget about monogamy because that probably isn’t going to happen. Sorry.

I was engaged to a nymphomaniac for about a year and a half once. Everything was great for the first six month. but as soon as I started working over 40 hours a week, things went toxic and rapidly spiraled downhill. Like an alcoholic, they will lie and sneak and place blame on you for their mistakes.

I dated a few other nymphomaniacs. One was 100% loyal until I needed to leave the state for a few months. I do not blame her one bit. I expected it. It wasn’t her. It was her illness. She was the primary victim of a hideous and psychotic mental crisis.

Nymphomania is often the result of any of the following;

· long-term child sexual abuse and is frequently comorbid with

· borderline personality disorder,

· bipolar disorder, or

· addiction issues.

These are mentally ill or damaged people who struggle to maintain a facade of normalcy. Sometimes they have the willpower and fortitude to control their cravings. Usually, they end up destroying everything around them. Many of them end up losing their job, home, driver license, custody of their children, and any vestige of their reputation.

Bipolar Disorder can happen to anyone, at any stage of life, and the onset is most frequent in young adults.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a complex psychiatric condition marked by intense emotional reactivity, unstable relationships, and impulsivity. One manifestation of this impulsivity can be hypersexuality, a behavior characterized by a significantly increased interest in or engagement with sexual activity. A high occurance of BPD is observed in teens who were sexually abused at a young age. Some believe it is the one chronic mental ‘illness’ that a predator can inflict on a victim. It is also associated with post-traumatic stress from sexual abuse.

The Sex is perhaps great, but it should not be your primary objective. When your entire life revolves around satisfying your sexual urges you are going to make unhealthy decisions. Most of us know better than to engage in sexual relations with coworkers, neighbors, your partner’s friends, or random strangers. Often a nymphomaniac will not make these distinctions. A lot depends on their willpower and mental stability. Some have it under control, many do not.

A lot of women are wrongfully accused of being nymphomaniacs due to being openly sex positive and unashamed of it. Other women mistakenly self-identify as nymphomaniacs because they love sex. True nymphomania is an illness which negatively impacts their life. Fortunately, it is also somewhat rare. If a girl has never had public sex in front of strangers or had anonymous sex with a man she did not know, she probably is not a nymphomaniac. The girls I knew would think nothing of participating in a spontaneous gangbang or fucking someone’s dog, laughing the whole time like it was a big joke. In retrospect, I feel sorry for these women.
Famous Nymphs

Sir Laurence Olivier and his wife, Vivien Leigh, were Hollywood Royalty. They appeared to have it all; talent, beauty, status, awards, recognition. They were the top of the A-list.

Unfortunately, Vivien Leigh suffered from bipolar disorder, then known as being manic-depressive. Her costars often had difficulty working with her due to her manic episodes which created a great deal of tension on the set.

Vivien’s greatest fear were the bouts of depression. She was terrified of becoming suicidal. At some point, she came to the conclusion that the only way to prevent the depression was to have a great deal of sex. As long as she could continue to achieve release through sex she could keep the depression at bay.

In the brain, a sexual orgasm triggers the release of a chemical called dopamine. It’s a natural mood-enhancing part of being a healthy person. The other related chemicals in the brain are serotonin and norepinephrine. These are self-balancing in a healthy person, but can become radically imbalanced in a mood disorder. Sex can give a short term spike of contentment to a person suffering severe clinical depression. But a bipolar person can also be at the other extreme, having so much dopamine and feeling a rush similar to a cocaine trip. It’s beyond euphoric. The person will tell you they’ve never felt better. They will often lack all self-awareness and resent any suggestion that they need help, or need to change their behavior. Bipolar Disorder affects men and women in relatively equal numbers.

Vivian’s husband, Olivier, did his best but he has been quoted later, as saying, “You know, she was a nymphomaniac. And I’m a premature ejaculator. Not a good match-up.” In order for their marriage to continue, Olivier stood back while Vivien took on many lovers to help her condition.

Sadly, their arrangement took its toll and they ended their 20 year marriage in 1960. Vivien Leigh, the legendary star of stage and film, was branded a nymphomaniac, a derogatory word meaning sex addict. This brought her more condemnation than sympathy or real help.

In 1950, after a party at Director George Cukor’s home in the Hollywood Hills, all the celebs present entertained illicit passion for a price.

In a biography, “Reframing Vivien Leigh”, the author notes that Ms. Leigh had every social disease known to mankind at the time. Her list of conquests go from Robert Taylor thru Peter Finch.

To read her story is to be inspired with pity and terror. She fought a lifelong battle with bipolar. Evidence of her delicate condition surfaced long before that incident. An open secret throughout British and American film circles.

Actress Sarah Miles became a very close friend to Olivier, after his divorce from Vivian. Decades later, Miles described a crisis she later had to confide to Olivier.

Sarah says she got a chance to see Vivien’s seething jealousy and sexual appetite for young men up close in 1963 when she landed a bit part in "The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone" starring Leigh, then 48, and 24-year-old Tinsel Town hunk Warren Beatty.

When womanizing Beatty spied 20-year-old Sarah in her sex kitten leather costume, Beatty began firting with Sarah.

Suddenly Sarah found Vivien’s “vixen eyes glued to either Warren or me all day. It was obvious to me they were having an affair,” she recalls. “I found Vivien to be a distinctly brittle, dark and jealous woman.” Miles, says Olivier finally admitted Leigh was a nut job in 1963, when she was in a play he was directing in London’s old Vic theatre.

One morning, Sarah was looking exhausted when she arrived on set; and confessed to Olivier that she was having to deal with her young actress roommate, who was “a manic-depressive, schizophrenic nymphomaniac” and kept her up with mobs of men parading through their apartment.

“Well, well, what a coincidence,” Olivier said and told her, “Vivien had been diagnosed with exactly the same three conditions.“ The more we compared notes, the closer we became, for we both shared the utter despair, the unimaginable frustration and hopelessness of wrestling with such pitiable creatures.”
A Confession

Now let’s hear from a woman in recovery from her mental illness and resulting nymphomaniac behavior.

Olivia Bury tells us her personal story of coping and recovery.

I’ve been diagnosed for 5 years with Bipolar Type 1, the kind that has longer and deeper cycles with mania and even psychosis.

As someone with Bipolar 1, I have extreme difficulty recognizing when I'm in the thick of an episode. The disorder pretty much takes all my judgement, self-awareness, and general clarity from me and smashes it. It's why I rely rather heavily on friends, family, and professionals to help me recognize my prodromal symptoms so I can get help early.

The mania is often the most destructive aspect to my illness as it starts by giving me a false sense of wellbeing. Slowly, my energy builds and I find myself spending several nights at a time awake investing myself in learning new topics such as mathematics, physics, or technology to an obsessive degree. I feel oppressed by my medication and quickly stop taking it to get higher. I begin writing music and creating art that in these moments I honestly believe are revolutionary.

I exercise excessively with my intense energy and find myself rolling in euphoria. My budgets and finances are trashed as I take to getting piercing, tattoos, clothes, raves, alcohol, and drugs. I immerse myself in what I call ‘carnal rage’. My ultimate goal is to burn bright and fast by indulging almost any vice there is. Hyper-sexuality leaves me a hungry nymphomaniac, where I wake in the mornings with one or many people in my bed. Often times I wake up not even knowing where I am or how I got there with several strangers.

I stop going to work, and my random untold absences often lead to my getting fired which only serves to worsen my finances. As I crawl towards psychosis, I end up getting more irritable and chaotic. The world slows down while I speed up and I find myself frustrated with those that can't keep up. I am extremely vulnerable to being taken advantage of and pick up the most unsavory individuals that upon my return to stability torture me. I end up back in the realms of paranoia and delusion. I become a god or some escaped experimental subject or soldier on a mission to save the world. I am hunted by cults and evil scientists. I am swallowed by chaos, euphoria, irritation, and delusions of grandeur paired with magical thinking.
Porn Industry Exploits

Some people are fully aware of their disorder and behavior, but seek to direct it for their own benefit. Taylor & Tatiana Russo were interviewed for a publicity campaign in their pornography ventures.

The two talked about the driving hyper-sexuality which keeps them in the sex industry.

Taylor explains; “I shoot some fetish content for my boyfriend who owns a bondage company. Regardless of that, I always feel like a virgin about to get deflowered before every shoot. When I shoot with my sister, it's not about trying to compete against her. If that was the case, I would have just continued shooting on my own. “

Tatiana added; “I like doing things for shock value. She does whatever comes to her head at the moment. Once we made the decision to work together, we might as well do the best that we can. Teamwork! I mainly hope that our bipolar mood swings manage to hit the ‘get along’ mark, because those are the moments that we forget about morals and just go with the flow.”

When asked; “How did you arrive to the decision that making adult movies was the right choice for you?”

Taylor chuckled; “Ha, I'm a nymphomaniac. I’m narcissistic, love fucking, money. Seems to make sense to me.”
Satyriasis, or male counterparts of Nymphomaniacs

Now, to put the issue in an accurate context, let’s be clear. Men can also suffer conditions that manifest hyper-sexuality. Let’s hear from a man who wishes to remain anonymous.

Yes, I am, but I have slowed down somewhat in my older age. But for 42 years I was diagnosed with so many errant conditions, until I came to the happy diagnosis of hyper-sexuality.

I am male. I am not a mythical beast. I have been called an addict but, unlike the perception of a kind of sex addict ending up beaten and on the streets, a punk sub, I functioned. I was a participant - a wise and sly and manipulative director - in my hyper-sexuality.

I operated for the majority of my life in a manic state. A few of the people dealing with bipolar brain issues will become understood as ‘unipolar’. I happen to be one of those. No bipolar crap, as I have never been depressed; and I was seen as driven, happy, kind, witty, very smart, fun to be with, sympathetic, never overbearing, emphatic, even.

I subjected myself to psychiatry during all of those years. Manic Depressive was my first diagnosis, I think. I saw the same shrink for those first 12 years and we waited and waited and waited from the ‘depression’ to come; but it never did.

I lived a controlled manic existence; I felt the tightness and grip in my body, the need of release or death every hour, but I, well, stumbled upon a solution, or solutions, early and satisfied the urgency of my needs with no need for recourse to dangerous sexual practices.

By “dangerous” sexual practices, I don’t mean to imply that my appetites did not escalate into needs that furthered my homosexual & bisexual encounters. I do not know of anyone who is hypersexual who is not bisexual, usually beginning at a very young age. My needs escalated into multiple partners, Dom & Sub relationships and forays into bloody sadomasochist roles. I was Traveling through the U S and Europe to full-scale orgies.

If there is a spot of narcissism in hyper-sexuality, for me it was staying in shape, not so much to remain being attractive but in order to maintain the strength and stamina to enjoy eight to ten orgasms a day. Masturbation could not satisfy me, not at all. I needed others. There is the magic word, need.

I don’t believe in satyrs and nymph fantasies. I’m not ever certain than ‘mania’ is an illness any more than having the drive, and all that is entrenched in that word; to be successful, is an illness.

Some in the dark arts of psychiatry are uncertain that hyper-sexuality is an illness. Some in the dark arts of human sexuality are unable to pinpoint what is normal, what is a normal sexual drive, how many orgasms do normal men and women have in one day or one week!

A married couple, or two partners in a monogamous relationship? After two years of commitment, do they really only have sex three times in one week? That sounds monstrous to me. Sick and unsound.

Don’t think that we do not fall in love. Don’t think for one minute that we don’t appreciate higher, less base qualities in others. We simply have needs more urgent than discussions of 19th-century French literature.

Another questioner asked what it felt like to be hyper-sexual. My answer would be that it either feels how you want it to feel or, maybe, it feels like any life task in which you fail or succeed. More the latter, I guess. If you cannot earn enough money to feed your family I am guessing that you would feel that you have failed a task that you needed to succeed; and I suppose that you would feel some anxiety and sadness and a failure. So it is with hyper-sexuality - a singular life task of great need and if you are able to satisfy that need then you win, you are not a failure.

This society has no interest in male hyper-sexuality; but rather has a fascination with female hyper-sexuality: the nymphomaniac. Those failed whores who fuck their way into a bloody gutter because, well, that’s what happens to whores, right? The female porn models that grow old and advise younger women to stay away from porn because it destroys your heart. They are our public whores. Hypersexual males - we satyrs - are looked upon as lucky! Just a man who gets a lot of pussy.

I also think that the ‘what does it feel like to be hypersexual’, questioner, may have wanted to know about the sex. A little titillation, maybe. The sex? It is good, it fulfills needs. Of course the sex is good. Unshackled.

"Bipolar folks will understand, I'm sure. Will others? It's hard to know. Some will be inclined to want to understand. Others will think I'm making this up and I'm rationalizing bad behavior. What I really want, though, is to change the way psychiatry and psychology and society see this behavior."
Clarity on the Bipolar diagnosis

Diagnosing a mood disorder is based on a person’s departure from their own baseline behavior. It’s not based on whether it fits into a cultural or societal norm of the masses. If a person is always a sex fiend, It’s just a behavioral observation; a personality feature. But when a person who used to be reserved and discreet, becomes uninhibited, compulsive, and manifesting insatiable & risky behavior, It’s clear that they are ‘not themselves.’ That’s completely separate from the issue of whether they fit in with our societal expectations. They don’t fit in with their own established norms.

A bipolar person can be very persuasive and rationalize everything. They are truly the last person to know that they have a crisis.

A woman responded the account of the hypersexual man we just heard from.

I read this answer when it was first posted and sobbed. I cried because the majority of the post is dead-on . It's taken me a month to be able to address this question, and I can't, or won't fully explain everything that's happened in my life, but I am the female version of this person.

I wasn't diagnosed until pretty recently. I am 40-something. Yes, I needed intense connections with other people on every level: intellectually and spiritually, but especially sexually.

Hyper-sexuality is definitely about a different kind of intense connection, but it is definitely about the sex, too. Different bodies. Different needs. A different kind of fulfillment, or not. This behavior started in college; I held onto my cherished virginity until then. That was truly difficult.

The need to connect, to be stimulated by someone, is ever-present. A pattern emerged; serial monogamy. Onto the next long-term boyfriend. I would exhaust him, in every sense of the word, or find another who could try to be all things, all the time, to be several men at once.

But even during a relationship, pursuit of other men, their pursuit of me, or preferably, all of the above, was wonderfully explosive. Enough sex, seemingly. Then not. Never, ever enough.

The hyper-sexuality happens during the manic stage. If you're manic and you were seeking sex, the end of that relationship doesn't really affect you. The downside is, when a relationship goes awry, and he's someone more long term, or someone you were more attached to, it can trigger a depressive episode. And then, one of two things: Depression leading to complete avoidance of sex, or depression leading to sex to fuck away your depression. Sort of like the famed actress Vivian Leigh, who fucked random men as a desperate means of avoiding suicidal despair.

Guess which one is worse. The tailspin can be swift and the depression profound and prolonged. And living just seems like an impossibility, sometimes for months. How people survive this is beyond me. How I lived through this; I don't even know. I self-medicated and should be dead several times over. Street drugs, including booze.

To answer the question, why are bipolar people hypersexual? I guess the best analogy would be "Why do people eat?" It's biological and not something you can control. You just have a need; your body tells you what it needs, and you respond. Sometimes there are obsessive Compulsive manifestations, like over-eaters, going on spending sprees, workaholics, and other behaviors.

Fast forward some years to modern times and post-diagnosis: taking a few different kinds of meds. One of these meds impairs your memory, the other two deaden your libido. It's like I still have the drive but maybe not the impulsiveness to act out because the mania is controlled.

Not a controlled substance, but a substance that controls.

And then there’s the possible side effects of the psychotropic drugs that my doctor’s had me try. Eventually I found a combo that I’m content with, but it’s taken a lot of effort, patience, and teamwork. I need a competent healthcare and counseling team, and a supportive circle of friends and family, who provide the feedback that I and my medical team can rely on.

For people who see an opportunity for a great fuck with a hypersexual; Please look in the mirror first. If you’re going to exploit someone whose illness puts their life in danger; You might be a more pathetic person than they are. And they have an illness to blame. You don’t. Go pay a hooker for cheap sex, because at least the hooker has a business model.

If you’ve found yourself in what’s becoming more clearly an unhealthy sexual hookup, Offer your partner the most valuable gift you can offer. Your honest perspective and deepest caring assistance, if they will avail themselves of your offer. Trust me, sex will become even more fulfilling, when a hypersexual regains full control of their sex drive.

#The New Joy of Sex: Part 1. The art of gourmet lovemaking.

2008, based on the works of Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam. Listen to the podcast at How To Sex.

Preface 1.

I first wrote this book nearly 20 years and over 8 million copies ago. I am a physician and human biologist for whom the natural history of human sexuality is of as much interest as the rest of human natural history. I had notes on it. My wife encouraged me to bring biology into medicine, and my old medical school had no decent textbook to teach a human sexuality course.

Joy was compiled and very importantly, illustrated, just after the end of that daft and extraordinary non-statute in Western society, the Sexual Official Secrets Act. For at least two hundred years, the description, and above all the depiction, of this most familiar and domestic group of activities, and of almost everything associated with them, had been classified. When, in the sixteenth century, Giulio Romano engraved his weightily classical pictures showing sixteen ways of making love, and Aretino wrote poems to go with them, a leading ecclesiastic opined that the artist deserved to be crucified. The public, apparently, thought otherwise (“Why”, said Aretino, “should we not look upon that which pleases us most?”) and Are tin’s Postures have circulated surreptitiously ever since, but even in 1950s Britain pubic hair had to be airbrushed out to provide a smooth and featureless surface.

People today, who never experienced the freeze on sexual information, won’t appreciate the propositions of the transformation when it ended; it was like ripping down the Iron Curtain. My immediate predecessor in writing about domestic sex, Dr. Eustace Chesser, was (unsuccessfully) prosecuted for his low-key, unillustrated book Love Without Fear, and even in 1972 there was still some remaining doubt about whether Joy would be banned by the Thought Police.

The main aim of “sexual bibliotherapy” (writing books like this one) was to undo some of the mischief caused by the guilt, misinformation, and lack of information.

That kind of reassurance is still needed. I have asked various people; chiefly older couples; whether The Joy of Sex told them things they didn’t know, or reassured them about things they knew and already did or would like to do. I have had both answers. One can now read books and see pictures devoted to sexual behavior almost without limitation in democratic countries, but it takes more than a few decades and a turnover of generations to undo centuries of misinformation; and of this material, much is anxious or hostile or over the top. People who worried, when the book first came out, if they did some of the things described in it may now worry if they don’t do all of them. That we can’t help, nor the fact that the same people who went to doctors because of sexual fear and inhibition under the old dispensation now go complaining of sexual indigestion under the new.

Sexual behavior probably changes remarkably little over the years; sexual revolutions and moral backlashes chiefly affect the degree of frankness or reticence about what people do in private; the main contributor to any sexual revolution in our own time, insofar as it affects behavior, has not been frankness but the advent of reliable contraception, which makes it possible to separate the reproductive and recreational uses of sexuality. Where un-anxious books dealing as accurately as possible with the range of sexual behaviors are most valuable is in encouraging the sexually active reader; who both wants to enjoy sex and to be responsible about it; and in aiding the helping professions to avoid causing problems to their clients. It is only recently, as ethology has replaced psychoanalytic theory, that counselors have come to realize that sex, besides being a serious interpersonal matter, is a deeply rewarding form of play. Children are not encouraged to be embarrassed about their play; adults often have been and are still. So long as play is not hostile, cruel, unhappy, or limiting, they need not be.

One of the most important uses of play is in expressing a healthy awareness of sexual equality. This involves letting both sexes take turns in controlling the game; sex is no longer what men do to women and women are supposed to enjoy. Sexual interaction is sometimes a loving fusion, sometimes a situation where each is a “sex object”; maturity in sexual relationships involves balancing, rather than denying, the personal and impersonal aspects of arousal. Both are essential and built-in to humans. For anyone who is short on either of these elements, play is the way to learn: men learn to stop domineering and trying to perform; women discover that they can take control in the give-and-take of the game rather than by nay-saying. If they achieve this, Man and Woman are one another’s best friends in the very sparks they strike from one another.

This book has changed considerably since its first edition and it will be revised again in the future as knowledge increases. What will not change is the central importance of un-anxious, responsible, and happy sexuality in the lives of normal people. For what they need; in a culture that does not learn skills and comparisons in this area of living by watching; is accurate and unbothered information. The availability of this, and public resistance to the minority of disturbed people who for so long limited it, is an excellent test of the degree of liberty and concern in a society, reflected in the now-old injunction to make love, not war. It is a socially relevant test today.

Alex Comfort, MB, D Sc, 1991

Preface 2.

I am a relationships psychologist and sexologist whose lifetime aim, through a variety of expert roles, has been to help people enhance their emotional and sexual partnerships. So when the publishers of The Joy of Sex approached me to “reinvent” the book for the twenty-first century, it seemed to me the fulfillment of everything I have been working for.

I well remember the original publication of Joy, and the awed giggles with which I and my friends read, discussed, and then put into practice its suggestions. So I know firsthand what over the decades proved to be true: Joy is an astonishing and inspirational child of its age, born not only out of social but also political changes that irreversibly altered the sexual landscape for individuals, couples, and society. Barely a decade before the book’s 1972 publication, the contraceptive pill had, for the first time in history, enabled women to have control over their own fertility. In its wake came increased female education, emancipation, and self-belief, as well as a whole host of liberalizations, sexual and social; increasing permissiveness, more frequent cohabitation, easier divorce, more available erotica, and gay rights.

Joy was not only a product of this revolution, it also helped create it. Dr. Alex Comfort’s aim was to write the first book that gave readers accurate knowledge about sexuality, and permission to use that knowledge. The text and illustrations were designed to both reassure the reader that their sexuality was normal and to offer further possibilities with which to expand their sexual menu. He was hugely effective in his intention; 8.5 million copies of The Joy of Sex have been sold to date and it has been translated into fourteen languages. More than that, it was a key influence on the social changes of the late twentieth century and has been a byword for sexual vision ever since.

Why, then, reinvent? There have already been content revisions, in the author’s lifetime and after his death in 2000, the most recent being the highly successful thirtieth-anniversary edition by Alex’s son Nicholas Comfort. But the very changes that Joy itself wrought in society have meant that the book has come to need updating in a more fundamental way. This was my task; to re create The Joy of Sex for the contemporary world; to do what Alex Comfort would have done had he been writing today.

The majority of the text remains the same, but substantial additions have been made. Many of these are informational; there have been countless key scientific discoveries in recent years in the fields of physiology, psychology, psychotherapy, and medicine, while the advent of sexology; the specialist study of sexual matters; has resulted in both rigorous academic research and a more widespread public awareness of, and skill in, sex.

Alongside these informational updates, a great deal of refocusing has been necessary to reflect social shifts. An intimate relationship is a very different animal from what it was in 1972. It’s now largely expected that sex will be part of every love partnership, that bedroom activity will include practices previously considered outrageous, and that these practices will be informed and often suggested via a new raft of technological advances. It’s acknowledged that a woman can lead just as much as a man, both in bed and out of it; one reason why the publisher chose a woman to reinvent the book. And it is, albeit slowly, now acknowledged that a couple’s sex life lasts well into their later years and increases, rather than decreases, in quality.

Yet along with all these positive developments has come a flurry of problems that weren’t predicted in the heady days of 1972. Pressure to have sex; regret that one has had sex; worry that one isn’t sufficiently beautiful to deserve sex; worry that one isn’t having enough sex or enough good sex. And all that is set beside high rates of pregnancy, abortion, and sexually transmitted infections. In the twenty-first century, as we hastily adapt to a society arguably more sexualized than any previous one, it’s a wild world out there.

All of which is why the many changes made to Joy have been underpinned by what remains the same; an absolute yet pragmatic optimism around sexuality and its place in our lives. Running throughout the original book was a rock-solid seam of positivity that sex is a good thing and that mature adults, given the right information and inspiration, can be trusted to treat it as such. Despite the headlines and scare stories, I still deeply believe in what Alex Comfort proposed; that sex should be and can be a total joy.

I have loved reinventing the book because Alex Comfort’s values and aims are also mine. I too want to present knowledge in an accessible form. To encourage mature decision-making and offer the skills and strategies to do it. To protest attempts to enforce inhibitions on human sexuality. To see sex as the ultimate in human play, but at the same time a developmental essential that helps us grow as people and partners. Above all, to give people not just the technicalities, the fripperies, or the “junk food” of sexual literature, but an intelligent, thoughtful, and “gourmet” treatment of the topic.

In the end I return to, and repeat in my own voice, Alex Comfort’s words from his first preface. My intention and my hope is that this book will “benefit the ordinary, sexually active reader; eager to both enjoy sexuality and to be tender and responsible with it.” True in 1972. Just as true today.

Susan Quilliam, 2008

With Your Body.

i like my body when it is with your

body. It is so quite new a thing.

Muscles better and nerves more.

i like your body, i like what it does,

i like its hows, i like to feel the spine

of your body and its bones, and the trembling

firm smoothness and which i will

again and again and again

kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,

i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz

of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes

over parting flesh.; And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new

e. e. cummings

On gourmet lovemaking.

All of us, barring any physical limitations, are able to dance and sing; after a fashion. This, if you think about it, summarizes the justification for learning to make love. Love, in the same way as singing, is something to be taken spontaneously. On the other hand, the difference between Pavlova and the Palais de Danse, or opera and barbershop singing, is much less than the difference between sex as our recent ancestors came to accept it and sex as it can be.

At least we recognize this now (so that instead of worrying if sex is sinful, most people now worry whether they are “getting satisfaction”; one can worry about anything, given the determination.) And there are now enough books about the basics; we are largely past the point of people worrying about the normality, possibility, and variety of sexual experience. This book is slightly different, in that there are now enough people who have those basics and want more depth of understanding, solid ideas, and inspiration.

To draw a parallel, chef-grade cooking doesn’t happen naturally: it starts at the point where people know how to prepare and enjoy food, are curious about it and willing to take trouble preparing it, read recipe hints, and find they are helped by one or two techniques. It’s hard to make mayonnaise by trial and error, for instance.

Gourmet sex, as we define it, is the same; the extra one can get from comparing notes, using some imagination, trying way-out or new experiences, when one already is making satisfying love and wants to go on from there.

This book will likely attract four sorts of readers. First, there are those who don’t fancy it, find it disturbing, and would rather stay the way they are; these should put it down, accept our apologies, and stay the way they are. Second, there are those who are with the idea, but don’t like our choice of techniques; remember, it’s a menu, not a rule book.

Third, most people will use our notes as a personal one-couple notebook from which they might get ideas. In this respect we have tried to stay wide open. One of the original aims of this book was to cure the notion, born of non discussion, that common sex needs are odd or weird; the whole joy of sex-with-love is that there are no rules, so long as you enjoy, and the choice is practically unlimited. We have, however, left out long discussion of very specialized sexual preferences; people who like these know already what they want to try.

The final group of readers are the hardy experimentalists, bent on trying absolutely everything. They too will do best to read this exactly like a cookbook; except that sex is safer in this respect, between lovers, in that you can’t get obese or atherosclerotic on it, or give yourself ulcers. The worst you can get, given sensible safety precautions, is sore, anxious, or disappointed. However, one needs a steady basic diet of quiet, loving, night-and-morning intercourse to stand this experimentation on, simply because, contrary to popular ideas, the more regular sex a couple has, the higher the deliberately contrived peaks; just as the more you cook routinely, the better and the more reliable banquets you can stage.

One specific group of readers deserves special note. If you are disabled in any way, don’t stop reading. A physical disability is not an obstacle to fulfilling sex. In counseling disabled people, one repeatedly finds that the real disability isn’t a mechanical problem but a mistaken idea that there is only one “right”; or enjoyable; way to have sex. The best approach is probably to go through the book with your partner, marking off the things you can do. Then pick something appealing that you think you can’t quite do, and see if there is a strategy you can develop together. Talking to other couples where one partner has a problem similar to yours is another resource.

In sum, the people we are addressing are the adventurous and uninhibited lovers who want to find the limits of their ability to enjoy sex. That means we take some things for granted; having intercourse naked and spending time over it; being able and willing to make it last, up to a whole afternoon on occasion; having privacy; not being scared of things like genital kisses; not being obsessed with one sexual trick to the exclusion of all others; and, of course, loving each other.

As the title implies, this book is about love as well as sex: you don’t get high-quality sex on any other basis; either you love each other before you come to want it, or, if you happen to get it, you love each other because of it, or both. Just as you can’t cook without heat, you can’t make love without feedback. By feedback, we mean the right mixture of stop and go, tough and tender, exertion and affection. This comes by empathy and long mutual knowledge. Anyone who expects to get this in a first attempt with a stranger is an optimist, or a neurotic; if they do, it’s what used to be called love at first sight, and isn’t expendable: “skill,” or variety, is no substitute. Also, one can’t teach tenderness.

The starting point of all lovemaking is close bodily contact; love has been defined as the harmony of two souls, and the contact of two epidermis. At the same time, we might as well plan our menu so that we learn to use the rest of our equipment. That includes our feelings of identity, forcefulness, and so on, and all of our fantasy needs. Luckily, sex behavior in humans is enormously elastic (it has had to be, or we wouldn’t be here), and also nicely geared to help us express most of the needs that society or our upbringing have corked up.

Elaboration in sex is something we need rather specially and it has the advantage that if we really make it work, it makes us more, not less, receptive to each other as people. This is the answer to anyone who thinks that conscious effort to increase our sex range is “mechanical” or a substitute for real human relationship; we may start that way, but it’s an excellent entry to learning that we are people and relating to each other as such. There may be other places we can learn to express all of ourselves, and do it mutually, but there aren’t many.

Those are the assumptions on which this book is based. Granted this, there are two modes of sex; the duet and the solo; and a good concert alternates between the two. The duet is a cooperative effort aiming at simultaneous orgasm, or at least one orgasm each, and complete, untechnically planned release. This, in fact, needs skill, and can be built up from more calculated “love-play” until doing the right thing for both of you becomes fully automatic. This is the basic sexual meal.

The solo, by contrast, is when one partner is the player and the other the instrument. The aim of the player is to produce results on the other’s pleasure experience as extensive, unexpected, and generally wild as his or her skill allows; to blow them out of themselves. The player doesn’t lose control, though he or she can get wildly excited by what is happening to the other. The instrument does lose control – in fact, with a responsive instrument and a skillful performer, this is the concerto situation; and if it ends in an uncontrollable ensemble, so much the better. All the elements of music and dance are involved; rhythm, mounting tension, tantalization, even forcefulness: “I’m like the executioner,” said the lady in the Persian poem, “but where he inflicts intolerable pain I will only make you die of pleasure.” There is indeed an element of infliction in the solo mode, which is why some lovers dislike it and others overdo it, but no major lovemaking is complete without some solo passages.

To be continued. based on the works of Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam, for The New Joy of Sex.

STDs: What Are They and How Do You [not] Get Them?

By Everyday Health. Listen to the ► Podcast at How To Sex.

This episode deals with the following STD concerns:

 Chlamydia, Genital Herpes, Gonorrhea, Hepatitis B, HIV, HPV, Molluscum Contagiosum, Syphilis, Trichomoniasis, Chlamydia, Genital Herpes, Gonorrhea, Hepatitis B, HIV, HPV, Molluscum Contagiosum, Syphilis, Trichomoniasis.

The number of cases of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), now more commonly referred to as sexually transmitted infections (STI), in the United States hit an all-time high in 2019, according to data released on April 13, 2021, by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). The CDC’s surveillance report shows that nearly 2.5 million new cases of gonorrhea, syphilis, and chlamydia were reported that year.

Chlamydia remained the most common condition reported to the CDC, with close to 1.8 million cases, up 19 percent since 2015. Gonorrhea diagnoses reached 616,392, up 56 percent since 2015. And primary and secondary syphilis diagnoses reached 129,813, up 74 percent since 2015.

Of high concern is that congenital syphilis cases, that is, syphilis in newborns, nearly quadrupled between 2015 and 2019, reaching 1,870 cases. From 2018 to 2019 the number of stillbirths caused by syphilis increased from 79 to 94, and the number of congenital syphilis-related infant deaths rose from 15 to 34 deaths.

While the 2019 STD statistics reflect pre-COVID-19 pandemic numbers, preliminary data from 2020 suggests many of the same trends continued during the pandemic. Experts attribute some of the growth in STDs in 2020 to disruptions in STD testing and treatment programs caused by the pandemic.

While 2.5 million cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis may sound like a lot, it’s likely an undercount: Many people with these and other STDs, formerly known as venereal diseases, go undiagnosed and untreated. The CDC estimates that nearly 20 million new sexually transmitted infections occur every year, accounting for almost $16 billion in healthcare costs annually.

Inequities in STD Burdens

The numbers of STDs increased in all age groups and among all racial and ethnic groups in 2019, according to CDC statistics. However, some groups saw higher rates of STDs than others:People ages 15 to 24 accounted for 61 percent of chlamydia cases and 42 percent of gonorrhea cases.
Gay and bisexual men accounted for nearly half of all primary and secondary syphilis cases.

Here’s what you need to know about how to spot, treat, and prevent STDs.

What Is the Definition of an STD?

“STDs are diseases that are passed from one person to another through sexual contact,” a representative of the CDC says.

According to the CDC, some of the common STDs are chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes simplex virus type 2 (HSV-2), human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), human papillomavirus (HPV), and syphilis. "Many of these STDs do not show symptoms for a long time," per the CDC, "but they can still be harmful and passed on during sex.”

Virtually all STDs can be transmitted through anal, vaginal, or oral sex. In addition, some STDs can also be transmitted through close skin-to-skin contact, even if no intercourse occurs.

HPV, for example, can be spread through skin-to-skin touching. In addition, “Molluscum contagiosum, a viral skin disease, can be spread through sexual or casual contact, as can scabies, an itchy skin condition caused by a mite infestation. It is also possible to get scabies from an infected sleeping bag or bed,” says Edward W. Hook III, MD, an endowed professor of infectious disease translational research in the departments of medicine, epidemiology, and microbiology at the University of Alabama in Birmingham, who works with the CDC.

STDs don’t just affect the genital regions: “Oral herpes can be transmitted through oral and genital sex,” says Dr. Hook.

It is important to remember that STDs may have no symptoms. However, new vaginal or urethral discharge or a new rash after sexual contact should be evaluated by a medical professional.

When symptoms do occur, they can include the following:

Chlamydia Symptoms of chlamydia can include vaginal discharge in women, penile discharge in men, and burning during urination in men and women.

Gonorrhea Gonorrhea can cause thick, cloudy, or bloody discharge from the vagina or urethra, and pain or burning when peeing. If you have gonorrhea in your anus, it may cause itching in and around the anus, discharge from the anus, and pain when defecating. Gonorrhea in the throat may cause a sore throat.

Hepatitis B Acute hepatitis B can cause fever, fatigue, loss of appetite, nausea or vomiting, abdominal pain, dark urine, clay-colored bowel movements, joint pain, and jaundice (yellowing of the skin and whites of the eyes). Symptoms can appear anywhere from six weeks to six months following exposure to the hepatitis B virus. Chronic hepatitis B sometimes causes symptoms similar to acute disease.

Genital Herpes Signs of genital herpes typically include red bumps that develop into blisterlike sores in the genital area and sometimes on the buttocks or thighs. A new infection with HSV-2, the virus that causes most cases of genital herpes, may also cause flulike symptoms, including fever, headache, feeling tired and achy, and swollen glands.

Oral Herpes Symptoms of oral herpes can include itching of the mouth or lips, sores or blisters on the lips or inside the mouth, and flulike symptoms such as fever, headache, body aches, and swollen glands.

HIV Early symptoms of HIV infection can resemble those of the flu: fever, headache, muscle aches, and sore throat. They may also include swollen lymph nodes, diarrhea, nausea and vomiting, a fungal infection of the mouth, and a rash on the abdomen, arms, legs, or face. If HIV goes untreated, later symptoms can include fatigue, weight loss, night sweats, joint pain, short-term memory loss, and recurrent infections.

HPV Most strains of HPV cause no symptoms and are detected only after abnormal cells are discovered during a Pap smear. However, some types of HPV cause genital warts, which appear as skin-colored or whitish growths on the genitals or anus.

Molluscum Contagiosum Often the only sign of this skin disease is pink or flesh-colored bumps with a dimple (indentation) in the center. It is most common in children, who typically get it from skin-to-skin contact or from shared towels or similar items. In adults, it can be sexually transmitted.

Pubic Lice Symptoms of pubic lice include itching in the genital area, tiny bugs in your pubic hair, and visible nits (eggs) on hair shafts. Pubic lice can also infest the hair on legs, armpits, eyebrows, eyelashes, and other facial hair such as mustaches and beards.

More on Scabies and Pubic Lice



How to Know If That Rash Is Scabies

Scabies This skin infestation causes intense itching that is typically worse at night. It can also cause small red bumps or a rash and raised lines on the skin where the mites have burrowed.

Syphilis In the primary stage, syphilis causes a painless sore, or ulcer, at the location the bacteria entered the body, often in the genital area. In the secondary stage of syphilis, a rash may occur on the torso and elsewhere on the body.

Trichomoniasis Another common STD, trichomoniasis is a parasitic infection that can cause burning and itching in the genital area for men and women as well as painful intercourse. Trich can also cause a smelly discharge and painful or frequent peeing.

Can I Have an STD and Not Know It?

Yes. Many STDs don’t cause any symptoms, especially during the early stages, so the only way to know for sure if you have one is to get tested. Keep in mind that you can get an STD from having sex with someone who has no symptoms and may not know they have an STD.

Are Adolescents Disproportionately Affected?

The CDC reports that half of newly reported cases of STDs occur in people between the ages of 15 and 24, noting that young women’s bodies are biologically more susceptible to STDs.

“Chlamydia and HPV are common as soon as you become sexually active,” Hook says. “Gonorrhea and genital herpes peak in the late twenties to thirties.”

All STDs, though, including HIV, can and do occur at any age.

When and How Often Should I Get Tested?

“Women should be tested for chlamydia on a regular basis. Some gynecologists test for it automatically, but not all do,” Hook says.



Chlamydia Treatment and Prevention

Testing for chlamydia, gonorrhea, and trichomoniasis involves collecting either a urine sample or a swab from the vagina or penis.

For other STDs, including HIV, syphilis, and genital herpes, blood testing is most accurate.

To test for HPV, a sample of cervical or anal cells must be collected.

How often an individual needs to be tested for STDs depends on their level of risk for infection.

The CDC recommends the following for testing for chlamydia:Annual screening in sexually active women age 25 and younger and in older women who are at an increased risk for infection because of a new sex partner or multiple sex partners
Annual screening in men who have sex with men, based on exposure history, with more frequent screening in people at the highest risk
Screening in all pregnant women at their first prenatal visit
Annual screening in sexually active people living with HIV

The CDC's recommendations for gonorrhea testing include the following:Annual screening in sexually active women who are at risk for infection, which includes women ages 25 and younger
Annual screening in men who have sex with men, based on exposure history, with more frequent screening in people at the highest risk
Screening in all pregnant women under age 25 and older women who are at an increased risk
Annual screening in sexually active people living with HIV

The CDC's recommendations regarding screening for syphilis include these guidelines:Screening in all pregnant women at their first prenatal visit
Annual screening in men who have sex with men
Annual screening in sexually active people living with HIV

The CDC has additional recommendations for other STDs.

In all cases, more frequent screening or screening for additional STDs may be appropriate for certain individuals, depending on their risk factors, including sexual behavior and how common a particular disease is in their area.

Where Can I Get Tested for STDs?

Your family doctor or ob-gyn should be able to do STD testing. In some areas, other options include specialized STD or sexual health clinics.

You can find locations in your area that offer fast, free, and confidential testing using the CDC’s Get Tested tool.

How Can I Protect Myself From Getting an STD?

Abstaining from all sexual contact is the only way to reduce your risk of STDs to zero. But the following measures can also help:Having only one sexual partner, and ensuring that person is monogamous too, lowers your risk of STDs.
Proper use of a condom every time you have sex greatly reduces the risk of all STDs.
Getting vaccinated against hepatitis B is the best way to avoid this viral infection. The hepatitis B vaccine can be given to people of any age.
Getting the HPV vaccine protects you against strains of the virus that cause genital warts and cervical and other cancers. The HPV vaccine is routinely available to people ages 9 through 26. It is additionally approved for adults ages 27 through 45 but not routinely recommended. Adults age 27 or older who believe they would benefit from HPV vaccination should discuss it with their doctors.

What Are the Treatment Options for Common STDs?

Some STDs are curable with medical treatment, while others can be managed to control symptoms and reduce the risk of transmission.

These STDs can be cured with antibiotics:Chlamydia
Gonorrhea
Syphilis
Trichomoniasis

STDs that can be cured with insecticides include the following:Pubic lice
Scabies

Minor surgical procedures such as cryosurgery (freezing) or laser surgery can treat certain STDs:Genital warts caused by HPV
Molluscum contagiosum

STDs that can be managed with antiviral medication include these infections:Chronic hepatitis B
Genital herpes
HIV

When precancerous cells caused by HPV are found on the cervix, treatment may include watchful waiting or surgery to remove the abnormal tissue.

Does Having One STD Make You More Likely to Get Another?

“Having one STD does not predispose you to others, aside from the behavioral risks shared by all STDs,” says H. Hunter Handsfield, MD, a professor emeritus of medicine at the University of Washington Center for AIDS and STD in Seattle, who also served on the board of the American Sexual Health Association.

“However,” says Dr. Handsfield, “having genital herpes due to HSV-2, but not HSV-1, roughly doubles the risk of HIV if sexually exposed to the virus.”

What Happens If STDs Are Left Untreated?

“The longer something goes untreated, the more likely it is to cause complications,” Hook says. “Left untreated, infections from gonorrhea and chlamydia can travel from a woman’s cervix to her uterus and fallopian tubes, which may cause infertility.”

Untreated syphilis "can become neurosyphilis, causing neurological disease,” says Suzanne Fenske, MD, an assistant professor of obstetrics, gynecology, and reproductive science at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai in New York City. Late-stage complications of syphilis also include aortic aneurysm and other cardiovascular problems.

Untreated HIV can impair the immune system’s ability to fight off infections and diseases, leading to so-called opportunistic infections, neurological complications, and sometimes cancer.

Untreated chronic hepatitis B can lead to liver failure, cirrhosis, liver cancer, and death.

Failing to treat STDs can have risks for future generations as well. Women who have herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, or syphilis can transmit the infection to their baby at birth, which is why testing for STDs; and following safer sex recommendations; during pregnancy is so important.

HIV can also be passed from mother to child during pregnancy, labor, or delivery, but the risk of transmission can be reduced if the mother takes antiretroviral drugs throughout her pregnancy and the baby receives HIV medicines for several weeks after birth.

Complications of STDs

Does the Number of Sexual Partners Affect My Chances of Getting an STD?

“As a broad rule, more partners means higher risk,” Handsfield says. “However, there are innumerable exceptions. Some people have 100 or more partners per year and remain free of most if not all STDs. Others have one or two partners and multiple infections over time.”

The bottom line is to use condoms or dental dams (small sheets of latex) to lower your risk and discuss STD testing with your medical provider if you are sexually active.

Can STDs Recur?

A curable STD that has been treated correctly will not recur, but it is possible to get the same STD again. In fact, it’s fairly common. To avoid getting the same STD again, your sexual partner, or partners, must also be treated. And to avoid getting the same or other STDs after treatment, practice safer sex, including using condoms each time you have sex.

The good news is that getting infected more than once does not appear to cause more long-term complications.

“In women, a second or third infection with chlamydia may raise the risk of complications like pelvic inflammatory disease,” says Handsfield. “But for the most part, people with multiple episodes of STDs do not fare any worse than after the first infection.”

Chlamydia: Often a Silent Disease

Many people don't realize they have chlamydia because they don't experience symptoms. That's why the condition is often called a silent infection. But untreated chlamydia can cause serious complications in both men and women, including ectopic pregnancy in women. To prevent such complications, young women and men at high risk of chlamydia are advised to get tested for it yearly.

Genital Herpes: A Lifelong Infection

An easily transmitted disease, genital herpes is caused by a virus that stays in the body for life. The infection can cause painful sores to form on the genitals, thighs, or buttocks, but the severity of symptoms ranges widely from no symptoms at all to recurring sores, painful urination, and flulike symptoms. Medication can prevent or shorten outbreaks, as well as lower the chance of passing the virus to a sexual partner.

Gonorrhea: Still Curable, but Antibiotic Resistance Is a Problem

Gonorrhea is highly contagious and, like chlamydia, may cause mild or no symptoms. If left untreated, though, it can cause serious complications, including pelvic inflammatory disease in women and epididymitis in men. While gonorrhea is curable, some strains of the bacteria that cause it have become resistant to most antibiotics.

As of December 2020, the CDC recommends a single 500-milligram (mg) intramuscular dose of the antibiotic Rocephin (ceftriaxone) for uncomplicated gonorrhea. Treatment for coinfection with Chlamydia trachomatis with oral doxycycline (100 mg twice daily for seven days) should be administered when chlamydial infection has not been excluded.

Hepatitis B: Disease of the Liver

Hepatitis is an inflammation of the liver, and the hepatitis B virus is one of several viral causes of hepatitis. There are also nonviral causes. In the United States, infants have been routinely vaccinated against hepatitis B since 1991, and the rate of acute hepatitis B in the United States has plummeted since then. Worldwide, however, chronic hepatitis B infection is common.

HIV: Incurable but Preventable

HIV is a virus that attacks the body's immune system, impairing its ability to fight off infections and diseases over time. The final stage of HIV infection is called acquired immunodeficiency syndrome, or AIDS. AIDS is a life-threatening disease. You can reduce your risk of getting sexually transmitted HIV by using condoms correctly and consistently.

Just about everyone who is or has been sexually active has had HPV at some point. In most cases, the virus clears up on its own, but when it doesn’t, it can cause genital warts and a variety of types of cancers, depending on which strain of the virus you have. The Gardasil 9 (HPV 9-valent) vaccine protects against both warts and cancer and is approved for adolescents and young adults.

Molluscum Contagiosum: May Clear on Its Own

This viral infection can be sexually transmitted or spread through contact with infected skin or contaminated objects, such as towels and toys. It can also be spread from one area of the body to another by touching a lesion then an unaffected area of skin. In many cases it goes away on its own, but treatments are available if it doesn’t.

Syphilis: Life-Threatening if Not Treated

Syphilis is a bacterial infection that is growing more common in the United States, particularly among men who have sex with men. It can be cured with penicillin or, in the case of a penicillin allergy, other antibiotics. Left untreated, syphilis can affect the heart and brain and be life-threatening. Syphilis that is passed from mother to infant (congenital syphilis) is also a severe, life-threatening condition.

Trichomoniasis: A Parasitic Infection

Trichomoniasis is more common in women, particularly young women, than men. The parasite that causes trichomoniasis can infect the penis or vagina but not the mouth, anus, or other body parts. While symptoms of trichomoniasis may raise a medical provider’s suspicions, a definitive diagnosis requires a laboratory test.

By Everyday Health. Listen to the ► Podcast at How To Sex.

Can a device make it better for us? By Anonymous. Listen to the Podcast at How To Sex.



A battery-charged vibrator

Sex toys — also called adult toys or “marital aids” — are objects people use to have more pleasure during sex or masturbation. Sometimes sex toys can also have medical uses if you have a sexual dysfunction or medical condition. There are many different types of sex toys, and people use them for lots of different reasons.

It’s totally normal to use sex toys, but it’s also totally normal not to — it’s a personal decision, and everyone’s different. As long as you’re using sex toys safely, there’s nothing harmful about it.#
Why do people use sex toys?

All kinds of people may choose to use sex toys, for many different reasons. For some, using sex toys is the easiest (or only) way they can have an orgasm — this is especially common for women. Sometimes people use sex toys to help them masturbate. People also use sex toys during sex with their lovers.

Some people with disabilities or limited mobility use sex toys to make it easier to masturbate, have sex, or do sexual activities or positions that would otherwise be harder or not possible for them.

Sex toys can also help treat the symptoms of certain disorders, like erectile dysfunction, genital arousal disorder, hypoactive sexual disorder, and orgasm disorder. And some people find that sex toys help them deal with the sexual side effects of certain medications, health conditions, or menopause — like a low sex drive or decreased sensation in their genitals.
What are the different types of sex toys? There are thousands of different sex toys out there. Some of the most common ones include: 

•  Vibrators (aka vibes, personal massagers) — Objects that vibrate (move continuously/buzz) to stimulate your genitals. It’s very common for people to use vibrators to stimulate their clitoris and other parts of their vulva and vagina. But vibrators can also stimulate the penis, scrotum and testicles, nipples, and anus. Vibrators come in all shapes and sizes. Some can go inside a vagina or anus, and others are meant to be used outside the body.
• Dildos (Objects that go inside a vagina, anus, or mouth.) Dildos come in many shapes and sizes, but they’re often shaped like a penis. Some look like realistic penises, and others are more abstract. They can also be slightly curved, to help stimulate your g-spot or prostate. Dildos can be made out of lots of different materials, like silicone, rubber, plastic, metal, or, break-resistant glass.
• Anal toys  Sex toys made specifically to stimulate and/or go inside your anus. Anal toys include plugs (usually called butt plugs), anal beads, prostate massagers, and dildos with a wide base. You need to use lube to use anal toys safely. And it’s very important that any toy you put in your butt has a flared base (meaning it’s wider at the bottom) or some other way to pull the toy out, so it can’t accidentally slip all the way in. If a sex toy goes all the way inside your butt, it could get stuck and you may have to go to the doctor to get it out.
• Sleeves (aka masturbation sleeves, penis sleeves, or strokers) — Soft tubes that you put your penis into. Sleeves come in all shapes and sizes, and often have different textures on the inside for more sensation. Some even have vibration or suction. There are also strokers that are specially designed for a larger clitoris or smaller penis, particularly for intersex people or trans men on hormone therapy.
• Penis rings (aka cock rings, erectile dysfunction rings, or constriction rings) — rings that go around your scrotum and/or penis. Penis rings slow blood flow out of the penis when it’s erect (hard), which can increase sensation, or make your erection harder and longer-lasting. The safest penis rings are made from soft, flexible materials that you can easily remove, like silicone, rubber, or leather with snaps. Some penis rings have little vibrators on them, to stimulate you and/or your partner. Because penis rings restrict your blood flow, don’t wear one for longer than 10-30 minutes, and take it off right away if you feel any pain or discomfort. And talk to your nurse or doctor before using penis rings if you have a bleeding disorder or are on blood-thinning medicine.
• Pumps (aka penis pumps, vacuum pumps, or vacuum erection pumps) — Vacuum-like devices that use a hand or battery-powered pump to create suction around your penis, clitoris, vulva, or nipples. Pumps used negative air pressure to create a vacuum, which drives blood flow to the area, which helps increase sensitivity and sensation. Some people also like the feeling of the suction. Penis pumps can help you get an erection, but they won’t make your penis permanently bigger. Some pumps are designed to help treat erectile dysfunction, genital arousal disorder, and orgasm disorder — you can get more information about these pumps from a nurse or doctor. But most of the pumps you buy in sex stores or adult shops are not medical devices, they’re just meant to enhance pleasure during sex and masturbation. Make sure to follow the instructions, and don’t pump for longer than the instructions say. And talk to your healthcare team before using a pump if you have a blood disorder, or are on blood-thinning medication.
• Ben Wa balls (aka Kegel balls, Kegel trainers, vagina balls, orgasm balls) — Round objects that you put inside your vagina. They can help you do exercises that tone and strengthen your Kegel muscles (aka pelvic floor muscles). Kegel balls are usually weighted so you have to squeeze your vagina to keep them inside your body. Some are hollow with smaller balls inside that roll and bounce when you move, making a jiggling sensation. You don’t need these balls to do Kegel exercises, and not everyone uses them for that purpose — many people just like the way they feel inside their vagina.
• Packers (a k a prosthetics) — objects that look and feel like a realistic penis (usually soft) that create a “bulge” in your underwear or clothes. Some packers also let you pee standing up (called stand-to-pee or STP packers). Like with anyone’s genitals, packers aren’t always sexual or used for sex. But some packers can be worn bent down or sticking up, so they can resemble both a non-erect (soft) penis and an erect (hard) penis, and can be used for sex.
• Harnesses (aka straps or strap-on harnesses) — garments that hold a packer, dildo, or other sex toy against your body. Some are worn like underwear or jock straps, and others may go around other parts of your body, like your thigh.

There are so many different kinds of sex toys and ways to use them that figuring out where to start can feel a little overwhelming. Going to a sex toy shop and asking someone who works there about different products can be a great way to learn more about sex toys and what might work well for you. You can also just try something that seems interesting and go from there. Or you may decide sex toys aren’t for you, and that’s totally Okay too. The point is that there are lots of options for different bodies and different kinds of sex — so no matter who you are or what kinds of sex you have, sex toys can be an option for you.
How do I use sex toys safely? Sharing sex toys with other people can spread a sexually transmitted disease; referred to as an STD.

If someone who has an STD uses a sex toy, the body fluids on that toy can spread the infection to the next person who uses that toy. So if you’re using a sex toy with a partner, it’s important to take steps to help prevent STDs.

Wash your sex toys with mild soap and water after you use them, and before they touch another person’s genitals.

Putting condoms on sex toys can help keep them clean and prevent the spread of STDs. Just make sure you change condoms before the toy touches another person’s genitals.

If you’re using a sex toy in your anus, make sure you use lots of lube.

The anus doesn’t lubricate itself (get wet) the way a vagina does, so putting something in your butt without adding lube can be painful, uncomfortable, and even unsafe. And never put a sex toy that’s been in an anus into a vagina without washing it or changing the condom first. If germs from your anus get into your vagina, it can lead to vaginitis. It’s also important to make sure that any sex toy you use in your anus has a wide base or some other way to keep it from going all the way in. If a sex toy goes so far into your anus that you can’t reach it, you may need to see a nurse or doctor to get it out. (You can’t lose a sex toy in your vagina because your cervix blocks the end of it.)

Don’t use silicone lube with silicone sex toys, unless you put condoms on them.

Silicone lube can react with the solid silicone in your toy and damage it. Water-based lube is a safe bet to use with any sex toy (and any condom).

Only allow non-porous toys inside you.

If you’re putting a sex toy inside your body (mouth, vagina, or anus), it’s best to use one made of a body-safe, non-porous material — like 100% silicone (not silicone blends), hard plastic, stainless steel, aluminum, and break-resistant glass. Toys made from non-porous materials don’t absorb germs and are easier to keep clean. Sex toys made from materials that may be porous, but you can always use a condom on your toy to help it stay clean and keep any possible germs on it out of your body.

It’s always best to use sex toys that are specifically made to be sex toys.

This is especially if you’re putting them inside your body. DIY sex toys might not be safe, especially if they can break, have rough, sharp, or loose parts, or are made of materials that are unsanitary or can cause a reaction.
Where can I buy sex toys? You can buy sex toys at specialty stores, usually called sex shops, sex stores, or adult stores. Some pharmacies, drug stores, or large retail stores sell a small variety of the more common sex toys, like vibrators.

Many sex stores and sex toy brands have websites where you can buy products online (they usually mail them in plain packaging for privacy).

Now, let’s hear from a knowledgeable connoisseur of various sex toys.
Sex Toys 101 Things to consider when buying a new toy. By X xene

My new sex toys arrived in the mail a couple of weeks ago and as I tentatively opened the packages, I hoped I had made the right decision. For me, shopping money is very limited and it always pisses me off beyond belief when I order something that turns out to be a dud. Over the last few years, I have amassed quite a collection…one worthy of a full size toy chest if I were to store them all together. So when it comes to picking out toys, the wrong ones and the right ones, I definitely have the experience behind me to make wiser decisions than when I was first starting out.

So, because I am such a nice person, I thought I’d put together a list of things every girl, and guy, should consider when buying a new toy. I want to break it down into separate criteria, Price, Function, Size, & Product Maintenance.

Price:

You have to make sure you know what you’re looking for before you ever venture into a store, or onto a site. Now, I know you won’t have a particular product in mind, but ask yourself this question, “Am I looking for something to use everyday, every week, or just on special occasions?” The answer to that question that indicative of how much you should expect to spend.

If you just want something to ‘try out’ or use for one night of kink, don’t waste a lot of money on it. Chances are, you can find a cheap version of whatever it is somewhere online…but if it’s not going to be used that often, you really don’t have to worry too much about the quality of it. Cheap is fine. Most likely, the thrill will come from the psychological aspect of using the toy…not the physical sensations it gives.

If it’s a toy you plan to use weekly, like with a partner, I’d go for the upgrade…but not for the top of the line model. However, if you are not in a relationship, are in a long distance relationship, or are a chronic masturbator (which I could probably head up the support group on that one), go for quality. Otherwise, you’re just going to spend more money in the long run because you’re gonna break it, wear it out, or get tired of it. You get what you pay for and quality sex toys are rarely cheap. Although, I do luck up sometimes with a discount coupon or something manufactured by a company still trying to make a name for itself. If you are lucky enough to encounter any of these bargains, jump on them. Just because you’ve never heard of the company doesn’t mean the product won’t be quality. Actually, Doc Johnson, one of the most famous sex toy manufacturers puts out a lot of toys of questionable quality. Just check out what you’re getting first and you should be fine.

Function:

In order to get a product, whether cheap or expensive, that does what you want it to do for you, you have to ask yourself, “What gets me off?” The vague terms, clitoral stimulation, anal stimulation, g-spot stimulation will be terms you find plastered on nearly all toys. Taking their word for it will most likely end with you laying in your bed frustrated that it isn’t working and eventually getting tired and throwing whatever you’re playing with across the room only to fall back on your fingers or an old reliable toy.

If vibration does it for you, there is something you should take into consideration. Anything wrapped with a jelly sleeve (or any other soft covering) is going to be lacking in the vibration department. No matter how powerful the vibrator inside is, the vibrations just don’t travel through soft matter easily. If you want something heavy on vibration, you need a toy made of hard plastic or metal.

If you want something that stimulates the g-spot, you first have to know exactly where yours is located (and it differs in depth from woman to woman). You also need to know what kind of stimulation you need. Some women prefer a gentle rubbing type stimulation, whereas others prefer thumping or tapping. And for some, it is as simple as steady hard pressure. Know what feels good to your body before tackling the sex toy store.

Size:

Yeah, I said it. Size matters. Just probably not in the way most men seem to think it does. Granted there are some size queens out there, but most of us couldn’t accommodate more than 7 inches comfortably anyway…so what’s the point?

For some reason, the manufacturing companies have decided that if it doesn’t vibrate, thrust, gyrate or sing “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” that in order to sell it must be the size of a tanker truck. But they couldn’t be more wrong. Unless it’s a double header, there is no reason to have so many foot long dildos on the market.

And what’s up with all of them having bulbous heads the size of a softball? I don’t know about anyone else, but just because my body was designed to push out a child doesn’t mean I want to experience myself being stretched out like that just for the hell of it!

With the anal stuff…be careful. I have fallen prey to this more times than one by buying over the internet. If you just want a little backdoor teasing, make sure you get specific measurements of the plug/vibe before you get it. Most of these seem to be made for porn stars and gay men who are used to having something large up their ass. But, if it’s not something you do often, go for a smaller model. I promise, it will feel three times as big once inside you.

Cleaning and Storage:

I have to say that these are things I never really thought about for a long time. I guess I had been buying sex toys for about three or four years before I even thought to check out the cleaning/storage instructions on the box before purchase. But this can be a very time consuming and expensive part of the ordeal. Trust me, wait until you have to pay twelve dollars for a special cleaning solution for a toy that’s not that great…it finds the bottom of the box (no pun intended unfortunately) very quickly.

Hard plastic, metal and glass toys can all be cleaned with warm soapy water. They don’t really have to be wrapped up or stored in any special way. They’re easy…and, as I’m sure you’ve noticed by now, my preference.

Jelly coated toys fall into different categories depending on how porous they are. But some take special cleaners. Some require boiling water. And all of them should be wrapped in clear plastic wrap before storing. And every piece of lint or dust will stick to them. Think about where it’s going…do you really want dust inside you? Kinda gives new meaning to the “it’s been so long I’m growing cobwebs” saying, doesn’t it?

Then there are the cyberskin toys…just avoid these at all costs. I believe Hustler or Penthouse puts them out. But these things are a dandy. Sure, they feel as close to real as any toy I’ve ever used, but it’s not worth the pain in the ass of cleaning them. In order to clean them, you first use warm soapy water (and they only come clean if you jump out of bed and get them to the sink while the stuff you’re trying to wash off is still wet). Then, you have to set up a system of some sort where you suspend them to let them air-dry. But none of the cyber-skin material can be touching anything or it leaves weird permanent indentures and slick spots. After they’re dry, you have to sprinkle them with talcum powder to keep the 'skin’ from getting all sticky and nasty feeling. They’re a real pain in the ass and I would say just avoid them altogether.

By X xene for Literotica
This post is part of the How To Sex podcast. Subscribe in your favorite apps.

10 Ways To Female Climax.What Kind Of Sex Does Your Woman Want?

based on a post by Arse Gratia Artis. Listen to the Podcast at How To Sex.

The Female Orgasm

Being a man, I'm obviously an expert on what women experience. Although I have never had a female orgasm, I have caused quite a few, and have some observations. I'm going to make a generalization here, and that is that most women, probably excluding committed lesbians, like cum and feel some thrill at getting a guy off. But this isn't about that; it's about what gets women off. And what they say when they're cumming is a whole different topic.

What follows is not based upon a random sample nor a scientific study. It isn't random since it includes only women I have enjoyed, and it isn't scientific because it's just observations without analysis. Women's response is highly varied, much more so than men. Here are a few types, although they are not rigid categories; there is overlap.

#

 

The Inside Girl.

She likes foreplay, her clit is sensitive, but if you really want to get her off, you have to fuck her good and hard. Sometimes she cums quickly, sometimes it takes a while, but she always cums from having a cock in her. Like most women, she wants your cum inside, too, and sometimes that makes her cum.

 

The Clit Girl.

You could fuck her all day but she won't cum unless you play with her clit. If she says, "I've never had an orgasm with a man inside me," don't take it as a challenge if you ever want to do it again. Just play with her clit or do whatever she needs to get off and you can fill her with cum to your balls' content.

 

Oral Annie.

She says, and you can verify if you get close enough, that she only cums from oral. If you're into it, she can be a lot of fun and she'll usually return the favor, or at least let you fill her while she stares at the ceiling.

 

The Sucker.

She gets off on getting you off. While these women are rare, they can be a lot of fun. You may get to fuck her sometimes, but mostly she wants to make you cum in her mouth. She usually swallows, and some like facials. Beware, though, that if she won't let you see her naked she may have a good reason.

 

Hard to Please.

She takes forever to cum, sometimes to the point of, "Just cum in me." Do it. She's probably tired and needs her rest. But if necessary use a vibrator on her clit, or suck her, or whatever it takes. One variation on this is the girl who gets close, then you either stop or don't do something exactly right and she needs to start over as if nothing has happened. She tends to be demanding.

 

The Analist.

You might think a girl who likes taking it in her ass is every man's dream, and I won't deny that I enjoy it. Some women can cum from anal even without other stimulation, which is very hot. However, women are only tight there for the first couple of inches, so a deep anal fuck isn't necessarily as hot as vaginal from a purely physical point of view. Some women use this as a form of birth control.

 

One and Done.

She's worse than most men in that once she cums she loses all interest in sex. You need to cum first, then be able to make her cum or you won't get another chance. She can be fun of you're young and stay hard after you cum. While rare, these women are out there.

 

The Squirter.

For some women, squirting orgasms are the most amazing and sought-after. Not every woman experiences them, and some not very often. Others require that you keep a supply of towels handy if you get them into your bed. They're usually extremely sexual, and once you're in a relationship with one she'll probably want sex more than you.

 

Nipplegasms.

There are a few women who can cum just from nipple play. It takes a while, but from what I hear it can be amazing. One woman explained it thus: "There's a direct line from my nipples to my clit." But I didn't touch her clit until she came from nipple play. Another observation: If a woman lets you play with her breasts, she'll probably let you fuck her.

 

The Normal Woman.

 My favorite, and I use the term "normal" because a lot of women seem to be in this category. She'll do it all. Suck your cock and swallow. Cum from you giving her oral. Sometimes let you (or ask you to) fuck her ass. She enjoys talking about sex, too. But what she really likes is a good long fuck that gets her off several times, and getting her pussy full of your hot cum. If you're a guy who can cum multiple times in an evening, she'll love you forever.

 

I'm sure there are more, so feel free (so to speak) to add your comments and observations.

 

Prone Positions for intimacy

BY THE EDITORS OF MEN’S HEALTH. Listen to the ► Podcast at How To Sex.
 

A fun, new sex position is an easy way to immerse yourself in a sexual experience. Take a much-needed break from stressing about work or the state of the world by attempting something adventurous in the bedroom, like the many sex positions you’ll find on this list. (Don’t worry, we also included fan favorites like missionary, cowgirl, spooning, and doggy style.

Which positions should you try next? Start by asking yourself what you’re hoping to achieve by changing up your usual routine. This will guide how you approach this list of sex positions, explains Ian Kerner, sex therapist, and author of; She Comes First; and, So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex.

#
Guys, if you and your woman are looking for positions to help her orgasm, then you want to look for sex positions where you can manually stimulate her clitoris during penetration. “Most women are not going to be able to get highly aroused or have an orgasm unless there’s some kind of clitoral stimulation happening,” Kerner says.
Or perhaps you want to explore elements of BDSM (an umbrella term encompassing Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism, and Masochism) with new sex positions. “Some of these positions are great for power play, where you can feel dominant or submissive,” Kerner says.
Some of these sex positions are fun to try for novelty’s sake, but not necessarily ideal from start to finish. “You will likely want to mix and match positions,” Kerner says. “You can start in some of the more adventurous and highly athletic positions, but then transition into a less demanding position, where you can fully relax and feel present in the sex you’re having.”
If a sex position feels uncomfortable, don’t overdo it. This isn’t a “push through the pain” situation. Just switch to something else! There are plenty of positions here to choose from.
These positions are detailed in no particular order, but we’ll need to split this topic into two parts, because of the great variety of expressions on the list. And if we’re just not descriptive enough for those listening to the audio podcast, be sure to pull up the transcript with detailed illustrations of all 56 positions.
And now, let’s continue with the next position.


Chapter 4: Man On Top
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYG8ZOF2HeIJMM1I7aWkBTyIzn601EOOlYozG3oTT_ucANzhfNgnKVZ8YSHFmXJ6Sxd7FBU5MTpTYmhuxRqPGA5kkM-maKH8mqU7-St-Ol_i57NWVzos8LL5lEdjLJ7uz9kh2xYtNxDmlOy04avQvpxIFVw1LC2xNfkCWHb3N-0u7VDRV9FuozX5w2D5h1/s640/missionary.jpg 

27. Missionary

Also known as: The Matrimonial, Male Dominant

Benefits: We know this one isn't necessarily new to lots of guys, but there's something sort of kinky about doin' it in the most vanilla position of all. Plus, you get lots of eye and body contact.

Technique: Men, Your woman lies down on her back, her legs spread enough for you to lay upon her, facing her; with your legs between hers, and your penis penetrating her vagina. The massive skin-to-skin contact triggers oxytocin for both partners and aids deeper sexual arousal. Kissing enhances intimacy and bonding. Her hands are free to stimulate him, why he shifts his weight occasionally from one arm to the other, giving his a free hand for pleasuring her breasts, and other intimate touches. The most commonly used position in the world, the missionary, is an especially intimate position allowing for face-to-face contact. You like it because you can control penetration depth and speed of thrusting. Your woman enjoys feeling your weight on her body, and the maximum skin-to-skin contact.
Note that this position can make it more difficult to hold off ejaculation because of the intense friction and deep thrusting. To lengthen lovemaking, start with this, then switch to a position that maintains clitoral pressure without so much pelvic back and forth.

Also try: Push up to create space in between you to sneak a small vibrator down for buzzing the top of her mound.

Hot tip for him: Raise one of her legs so her knee is level with your right shoulder. Keep her other leg flat on the bed. Thrust toward the inner thigh of her raised leg. This adjustment forces tighter penetration and more clitoral pressure.

28. Quicker Picker Upper

Also known as: The Pillow Driver

Benefits: A little bit of variety if missionary begins to feel stale; good upper body exercise.

Technique: Men, Place a pillow under the small of her back or her buttocks to tilt her pelvis and change the angle of your penetration for different sensations. Bracing yourself with your hands on the bed as in a push-up position, you take your weight off her body.

Hot Tip: Some women love the passionate hammering of her cunt. By adding lumbar support, it give a man more direct impact for vaginal thrusting. It's also helpful for when a woman's belly is larger, such as during the 3rd trimester of pregnancy.

Note: Pregnancy often brings out the sexual animal in a woman. Some are insatiable.

 

29. David Copperfield

Also known as: Trick and Treat

Benefits: This sex position is the “pièce de résistance” for women who prefer a strong, upward stroking motion.

Technique: Men, Place a pillow under her hips to tilt her pelvis up. Bend her knees so she can place her feet on your shoulder blades. This experience is all about using both hands and your mouth, drawing out the hidden clitoris from its nest, and lavishing it with tender affection and intense stimulation.

Also try: Amplify your oral efforts with a simple sleight-of-hand trick: While you lap away, try using your hands to push gently upward on her abdomen, stretching her skin away from her pubic bone, and helping to coax the head of the clitoris out from beneath the hood.

Hot tip: Let your tongue rest firmly and flat against the full length of the vaginal entrance, then have her move and grind against your tongue.



30. Closed For Business

Benefits: A variation of One Up that allows for slow buildup. Some women who struggle with hyper-sensitive genitals, and who reach orgasm faster than they prefer, will want to regulate the lovemaking foreplay.

Technique: Some women find direct clitoral stimulation uncomfortable. Having here close her legs during oral sex may help. The man places his hand above her public mound, applying light pressure, and then rubs his tongue on the area around the clitoris to add indirect stimulation.

Hot tip: The man can also try keeping his tongue still while the woman rocks her pelvis back and forth.
 

31. Magic Mountain

Benefits: Think the deep penetration of Doggy, with the closeness of Flatiron (great for dirty talk). Women who love anal fun, enjoy the intimacy of her man's heavy breathing and sexy talk in her ear.

Technique: Find a low-lying piece of furniture, like an ottoman or a bed. Kneel over it so it provides a bend at the waist (this can also be done with a stack of pillows on the bed). The man kneels behind the woman, entering from behind. He then forms his body to that of the woman’s.

Hot tip: Slow. It. Down. Instead of quick thrusting, aim for a slow and steady flow.
 

32. The Seashell

Benefits: This position will provide just about the deepest penetration you can get in a forward-facing position.

Technique: Men, You'll need some flexibility for this one. The seashell is very similar to Happy Baby, except a bit more... folded. Start in missionary, and have the woman bring both her legs up by her head. The man then enters facing them, leaning into the woman's legs.

Also try: If the stretch becomes a bit too much for the woman, take a break with Happy Baby—where they bend her knees up to 90 degrees. You will both still get the deep penetration that Seashell provides, without the woman feeling like they're tearing up her hamstrings.

Hot tip: Place a pillow underneath the woman's hips for more lift—it'll make the bend for the receiving woman a bit more comfortable.

 

33. The Captain
Also known as: V is for Victory

Benefits: Deep penetration, G-spot stimulation, and access to the clitoris.

Technique: Men, The woman lies on her back and raises her legs in the air. Kneeling, hold her ankles and spread her legs into a V shape before entering her.

Also try: Making sure she stretches her hamstrings first.

Hot tip: Since your hands are busy holding her legs in place, she should hold a vibrator if she wants to add some added clit stimulation to this position.
 

34. Doggy Style

Also known as: Man's Best Friend

Benefits: Deep penetration and an erotic view.

Technique: Men, This could be your next move after starting in The Flatiron sex position. Entering your kneeling woman from behind, you'll be able to thrust deep, so the tip of your penis touches her cervix, an often-neglected pleasure zone. But you should do this slowly and gently. Some women find it painful.

Hot tip for her: She may be able to increase the intensity of your orgasm by pushing her pelvic floor muscles outward, as if trying to squeeze something out of her vagina. This causes the vaginal walls to lower, making the G-spot more accessible.

Hot tip for him: Your hands are free to roam her body. Try leaning over her back and reaching her dangling, drooping breasts. Her nipples may become very firm aroused, and engorged. Try stroking her hair, shoulders and back. Reach around her hips to stroke her clit while penetrating her. Hang onto her hips and get aggressive if she likes a rougher pounding. Have some oil or lube handy to massage her anus while you have an excellent view and access. She may want you to explore further in her anus if she’s in the mood for it.

 

35. The Flatiron

Also known as: Downward Dog, The Belly Flop

Benefits: Intensifies vaginal pleasure.

Technique: Men, Your woman lies face down on the bed, knees slightly bent and hips slightly raised. For comfort, and to increase the angle of her hips, she can place a pillow under her lower abs. You enter her from behind and keep your weight off her body by propping yourself up with your arms. This position creates a snug fit, making you feel larger to your woman. Many men find this position very convenient when they come home late to their sleeping woman. But be advised to use lube on your penis first, and go slow if you’re surprising your woman. Her vagina probably hasn’t had time to respond sexually with sufficient natural lubrication.

Also try: You'll last longer in this position if you switch to shallower thrusts and begin deep breathing.

Hot tip: Less friction means less stimulation—and can help you last longer. Try using a very slippery silicon-based lubricant, which may allow you to thrust longer before reaching orgasm.



36. The G-Whiz

Also known as: The Shoulder Holder, The Anvil

Benefits: Allows deep penetration and targeting the G-spot

Technique: Men, Your woman lies on her back. You kneel between her legs and raise them, resting her calves over each of your shoulders. Rock them in a side-to-side and up-and-down motion to bring the head and shaft of your penis in direct contact with the front wall of her vagina. Because this angle allows for deep penetration, thrust slowly at first, to avoid causing discomfort.

Also try: Bring her legs down and have her place her feet on your chest in front of your shoulders. This allows your woman to control the tempo and depth of thrusts.

Hot tip: Notice when your woman is nearing orgasm. You do that by listening for her breath to become short and shallow. Flushed skin and slightly engorged breasts also indicate she’s nearing the peak of her arousal.

 

37. Happy Baby

Benefits: Ideal for vaginal and anal penetration. This one's great for her G-spot stimulation. And it's a comfortable option if the woman experiences lower back pain.

Technique: Men, The woman assumes the happy baby pose, a popular yoga position where you lie on your back, bend your knees into your chest, grip the outer edges of your feet, and roll side to side like, well, a happy baby. In this case, instead of rolling around, the woman stays put so you can enter her from a kneeling position.

Also try: Tweaking your angles by sliding a sex pillow underneath her hips.
 

38. The Face Sitter

Also known as: Hovering Dragonfly

Benefits: A comfortable position for your woman An erotic one for you. It accommodates long sessions of orally pleasuring the man.

Technique: Men, Rest a pillow behind her head, then straddle below her shoulders. Support yourself by holding the bed's headboard or the wall.

Hot tip for her: If your woman's mouth becomes dry after a while, she can add some mint- or fruit-flavored lube to your shaft.

 

39. Pretzel

Also known as: The Pretzel Dip, The Camel Ride

Benefits: The deep penetration of doggy-style while face to face.

Technique: Men, Kneel and straddle her lower leg while she’s lying on her side. Your woman will bend her upper leg around the side of your waist, which will give you access to enter her vagina. For many women, rear entry hurts their backs. This sex position allows them to lounge comfortably while enjoying deep penetration. This position is ideal for women who are healing from physical setbacks, because the man can better avoid rough agitation while copulating.

Also try: Manually stimulate her using your fingers. Or withdraw your penis and, holding the shaft with your left hand, rub the head against her clitoris to bring her to the brink of orgasm. You can reinsert when she wants you back inside.

Hot tip: Be gentle with her clitoris. It's more sensitive than your penis, so touch lightly at first. Some women even prefer gentle pressure around it rather than direct stimulation. Go soft, then increase speed and pressure.

Hot tip for him: And ask her to direct you, faster, slower, lighter, harder.
 

40. Mountain Climber

Also known as: The Pushup

Benefits: Creates great eye-to-eye contact. Keeps your weight off her body.

Technique: Men, Begin in the ‘Missionary’ position, then show her your skills. There's a reason people swoon when they see a six pack. They know a man with strong abs is going to be great in the sack. The mountain climber position shows off your strength and hard abs (if you have them). While penetrating between your woman’s legs, assume the standard "push up" position. This gives you a great live porno view, and you’re the porn star! You can watch her body react to a building orgasm.

Also try: Lower yourself to kiss your woman teasingly while thrusting with your shoulders as well as your pelvis.

Hot tip: Tease her with a series of moves: by entering with just the tip; thrusting just halfway in; then removing yourself and stroking her outside with your rigid penis. She can reach down and grab your shaft and rub her clitoris with it.
 

 41. Spork
Also known as: Spoon and Fork Combo, Scissoring.
Benefits: Offers a natural bridge to more creative positions.

Technique: Men, Your woman lies on her back, and raises her right leg so you can position yourself between her legs at a 90-degree angle and enter. Her legs will form the tines of a spork (a spoon-and-fork utensil). She can do this with you facing her or facing her back.
Also try: If your woman is limber, lift her left leg up to increase the depth of penetration.

Hot tip for her: From the Spork position, have her lift her top leg and support it by resting it on your shoulder. From here, she can easily stimulate her clitoris using her fingers while you're inside her.


 

42. Coital Alignment Technique

 Also known as: The CAT

Benefits: Strong clitoral stimulation.

In a study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, women who were unable to have an orgasm in the missionary position reported a 56 percent increase in orgasm frequency using the coital alignment technique. Other studies suggest even greater success, with up to 73 percent of women achieving orgasm with CAT.

Technique: Men, The CAT is very similar to the missionary position except your body is positioned farther up and to one side. Instead of being chest to chest, your chest is near your woman's shoulders. Have her bend her legs about 45 degrees to tilt her hips up. This causes the base of your shaft to maintain constant contact with the clitoris.

Also try: Ask your woman to straighten her legs. Push your pelvis down a few inches while she pushes up.

Hot tip: Instead of thrusting up and down, rock forward and back to (hopefully) provide enough stimulation for your woman to orgasm. Make this position even better by grinding your pelvis in a circular motion.
 

43. Snow Angel
Also known as: Bottom's Up

Benefits: She gets a prime view of your derriere.

Technique: Men, This is challenging: Your woman lies on her back while you straddle her facing away. She lift her legs and wraps them around your back to elevate her pelvis so you can enter. she then grabs your butt to help you slide up and back. She can add a little massage action to her grip also.

Hot tip: Spin around into missionary style to face her while trying to stay inserted. Then switch positions, this time with her on top and facing away.
 

44. The X Position
Also known as: Crisscross

Benefits: Prolonged slow sex to build arousal. Shallow thrusts stimulate the nerve endings in the head of your penis.

Technique: Men, Sit on the bed facing each other with legs forward. Lift your right leg over her left, and she lifts her right leg over your left. Come together so you can enter. Now both of you lie back, with your legs forming an X. Slow, leisurely gyrations replace thrusting.

Also try: Reach out and hold hands to pull together for pelvic thrusting. Also, take turns alternatively sitting up and lying back without changing the rhythm.
Chapter 5: Woman On Top
 

45. Cowgirl

Also known as: Woman On Top

Benefits: “There's going to be G-spot stimulation, clitoral stimulation, and cervical stimulation,” says Kerner. “It’s a nice position for her to really control her orgasm. It also gives you a great view of everything that’s happening.”

Technique: Men, Cowgirl is one of the best sex positions because it allows for a variety of interesting sights and sensations, and offers your woman the psychological advantage of taking charge of pace and depth of penetration. Alternate between shallow and deep thrusts. "Shallow will stimulate the front third of the vagina, which is the most sensitive," says sex therapist Rebecca Rosenblat, author of Seducing Your Man.

Also try: Lie chest to chest, with your woman, stretching her legs out on top of your legs. Your woman should brace her feet on the tops of yours and push off to create a rocking motion that will rub the vulva and clitoral area against your pubic bone for greater pleasure.


Hot tip: It will be easier for your woman to climax if you stimulate her manually and orally until she’s extremely aroused. From the cowgirl position, have her squat over your face so you can pull off some oral stimulation.
 

46. Reverse Cowgirl

Also known as: Rodeo Drive, Half Way Around the World

Benefits: With a pillow under your head, you get an awesome view of your woman’s backside. She can control depth of penetration and pace with this sex position.

Technique: Men, Lie on your back with your legs outstretched. Your woman kneels next to you, then turns and spreads her legs, straddling your hips and facing your feet. Kneeling, she lowers down onto your penis and begins riding you.

Also try: Have your woman lean forward or back to change the angle of the penis for greater stimulation.

Hot tip for her: From this position, she can easily reach down to touch herself or direct your penis to where it feels best. She can also fondle your scrotum or massage your prostate, or anus.

Hot tip for him: You can easily add anal massaging to heighten her arousal. Have anal lube available if she wants your fingers to venture farther in, back there.

 

47. Pole Position

Also known as: Thighmaster

Benefits: Dual stimulation for your woman; for you—a great view of her rear and your penis entering her.

Technique: Men, Lie on your back and bend one of your legs so the knee is up in the air, keeping the other outstretched horizontally. Your woman straddles the raised leg with a thigh on either side and lowers herself onto your vertical penis(the pole), so that her backside is somewhat facing you. She should hold your knee and use it for support as she rocks up and down. She can have her knees down, or one leg swatted between your legs.

Also try: she can press her vulva hard against your upper thigh, rubbing as the feeling dictates.

Hot tip for her: From Pole Position, your woman can massage your raised leg during the action. Or reach down and touch your perineum.

Hot tip for him: Your eyes may be admiring the view of her arse, but she may really want a gentle sphincter massage. Have some anal lube within reach, as she may decide she wants you to explore her anal region farther in, as her climax builds.
 

48. '69'

Also known as: Inverted 69, Over and Under.

Benefits: Simultaneous oral pleasure.

Technique: When she’s on top in 69, she can control the intensity of oral stimulation on her clitoris by lifting or pressing her pelvis. From this position, it's easy to work her finger magic on your perineum, the sensitive area just below your testicles. Also try the man-on-top position.

Also try: Roll over onto your sides in the 69 sex position.

Hot tip for her: Place a cup of warm tea and an ice cube on the nightstand near the bed. When she gives you oral sex, she can alternate placing the ice cube then the tea in her mouth.

 

49. Lazy Man

Also known as: The Squat Thrust

Benefits: Puts her in control, maintains intimacy. Provides a frisky woman some sexual activities when you have little energy or physical limitations. As long as she can get you hard, she has all she needs to ‘scratch her deepest itches’.


Technique: Men, Place pillows behind your back and sit on the bed with legs outstretched. Your woman straddles your waist, feet on the bed. She then bends her knees to lower herself onto you, using one hand to direct your penis in. Just by pressing on the balls of her feet and releasing, she can raise and lower herself on your shaft as slowly or quickly as she pleases.

Also try: From this position, you both lie back into the Spider position or its more challenging variation, The X.
 

50.The Spider


Benefits: You both can still maintain eye contact while viewing the action at center stage.

Technique: Men, Both of you are seated on the bed with legs toward one another, arms back to support yourselves. Now you both move together as she places her legs over yours. Her hips will be between your spread legs, Her knees bent and feet outside of your hips and flat on the bed. Now align the genitals and enter, then rock back and forth.

Also try: She grabs your hands and pulls herself up into a squatting position while you lie back. Or you can remain seated upright and pull her against your chest into the Lazy Man position.

Hot tip: Help turn her on by straddling her bottom and massaging her back. While you're busy with your hands, She can wiggle, grind, and move her mons pubis in a circular motion against the sheets to stimulate the clitoris.

51. Waterfall

Also known as: Head Rush

Benefits: The blood will rush to your other head too.

Technique: Men, move to the edge of the bed and lie back with his head and shoulders on the floor as his woman straddles his pelvis. The blood will rush to your head, creating mind-blowing sensations upon orgasm.
 

52. The Socket

Benefits: “This looks like it's a nice position to fantasize a little and get a new view of your woman’s behind,” says Kerner. “It's a chance to get absorbed in the sensations.”

Technique: Men, From reverse cowgirl, have her bend all the way forward, extending her legs all the way back. She should be supporting her body by resting on her elbows, as if she was holding a plank.

Hot tip: Your woman can easily stimulate her own clitoris while you penetrate her. If the two of you are into spanking, go for it.
 

53. Pearly Gates

Benefits: Great for G-spot stimulation.

Technique: Men, You lie on your back. Your woman can straddles you in a reverse cowgirl position before carefully leaning backward until her back is on your chest.

Hot tip: You can reach around and play with her nipples or clitoris. (She can also use a vibrator in this position.) A chaise lounge is an ideal piece of furniture for this position. It also facilitates anal adventures. But be careful not to break a cock, with a wrong move or other accident.



54. The Fusion

Also known as: Getting a Leg Up

Benefits: Quicker orgasms for your woman; easier motions.

Technique: Men, From The Spider, your woman can lift her legs onto your shoulders, which increases the muscular tension that advances the orgasm sequence. By elevating her butt off the bed, it'll be easier for her to thrust and grind in circles.
 

55. Hovering Butterfly

Also known as: The Face Sitter

Benefits: She can direct the position of your tongue and the pressure against her by rising up or pressing down.

Technique: Men, Your woman straddles you, placing her knees at your ears. She can hold onto a wall or headboard for support. While you're doing your thing, she can use her fingers to graze her nipples or rub the top of her vulva.

Also try: Hold your tongue firm as she gyrates her hips, pressing her clitoris against it.
 

56. The ‘69′ Bridge

Also known as: Golden Gate

FYI: If your woman can do this, she may have been a Russian ballerina in a past life.

It’s the ultimate test of a woman’s limits.

Technique: Men, “This just looks impossible to me,” says Kerner. “But if your woman is able to do it, go for it. I think it’s just a victory in being able to pull this position off.” Add an incentive reward if she needs encouragement. A small, slender woman will have an easier time trying.

Hot tip: You may need to help out your woman by thrusting your pelvis up, so her mouth can actually reach your genitals.

Creative positions for intimacy: Standing or Sitting

BY THE EDITORS OF MEN’S HEALTH. Listen to the ► Podcast at How To Sex.


 

If you suddenly have an itch to try some new sex positions, we’re not surprised. When we recently surveyed 1,229 American men about their sex lives, a third of respondents said they’re feeling more sexually experimental now than before the pandemic began.

According to Justin Lehmiller, Kinsey Institute researcher and member of the Men’s Health Advisory Panel, stress could have something to do with the widespread craving for sexual novelty. “When we’re stressed, it’s often harder to feel desire or to stay in the moment, because our mind is distracted and wandering,” Lehmiller says. “Trying something new can create this immersive experience that lets us be in the moment and raises sexual arousal.”

#
A fun, new sex position is an easy way to immerse yourself in a sexual experience. Take a much-needed break from stressing about work or the state of the world by attempting something adventurous in the bedroom, like the many sex positions you’ll find on this list. (Don’t worry, we also included fan favorites like missionary, cowgirl, spooning, and doggy style.)
Which positions should you try first? Start by asking yourself what you’re hoping to achieve by changing up your usual routine. This will guide how you approach this list of 56 sex positions, explains Ian Kerner, sex therapist, and author of; She Comes First; and, So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex.

If you are looking for positions to help with female orgasm, then you want to look for sex positions where he can manually stimulate her clitoris during penetration. “Most women are not going to be able to get highly aroused or have an orgasm unless there’s some kind of clitoral stimulation happening,” Kerner says.
Or perhaps you want to explore elements of BDSM (an umbrella term encompassing Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism, and Masochism) with new sex positions. “Some of these positions are great for power play, where you can feel dominant or submissive,” Kerner says.
Some of these sex positions are fun to try for novelty’s sake, but not necessarily ideal from start to finish. “You will likely want to mix and match positions,” Kerner says. “You can start in some of the more adventurous and highly athletic positions, but then transition into a less demanding position, where you can fully relax and feel present in the sex you’re having.”
If a sex position feels uncomfortable, don’t overdo it. This isn’t a “push through the pain” situation. Just switch to something else! There are plenty of positions here to choose from.
These positions are detailed in 5 chapters, which include standing, sitting, sideways, man-on-top, and woman-on-top.

And we’ll need to split this topic into two episodes, because of the great variety of expressions on the list. And if we’re just not descriptive enough for those listening to the audio podcast, be sure to pull up the transcripts with detailed illustrations of all 54 positions.
And now, let’s get started with the first position.
Chapter 1: Standing Positions

The next several positions don't even require a mattress. Often our spontaneous desires won't wait until bedtime. Let's get started.

1. Stand and Deliver 

Also known as: The Bicycle

Benefits: You can enjoy the view of your penis thrusting.

Technique: Men, Stand at the edge of a bed or desk while your woman lies back and raises her legs to her chest. Her knees are bent as if she’s doing a "bicycling" exercise. Grab her ankles and enter her. Thrust slowly, as the deep penetration may be painful for her.

Also try: Have your woman place her heels on your shoulders, which will open her hips so her labia press against you

Hot tip: Encourage your woman to play with her clitoris manually. Also, show her that she can control your penetration by flexing her thighs.
 

2. Standing Dragon

Also known as: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Serpent

Benefits: An ideal position for G-spot stimulation. Seeing the round curves of your woman’s rear tends to be highly erotic for you.

Technique: Men, Stand and enter your woman from behind as she poses on all fours on the edge of the bed and arches her back to lift her buttocks.

Also try: You can move your legs outside of hers, then use your thighs to squeeze her knees together, which tightens her vagina around your penis. The tightness often enhances the response for both of you.

Tip for him: This position also allows you to keep both hands free for pleasuring her backside. Keep some lube handy in case she wants deep anal massaging.


 

3. Standing O

Benefits: Ideal position for all things cunnilingus: clit sucking, rubbing, digital penetration, G-spot stimulation.

Technique: Men, While on your knees, have your woman stand up-right. She should then drape one of her legs around your shoulder while you eat her out.

Hot tip: Ideally, you want your woman's hands above your head. This can be accomplished through the use of some BDSM restraints. If restraints aren’t her thing, see if you can find an anchored bar or beam for her to grasp.



4. Restroom Attendant

Also known as: Drop the Soap

Benefits: Good for a quickie at the workplace, a party, or mid-flight.

Technique: Men, Slip into a bathroom and ask her to look into the mirror while you enter her from behind. It lets you have eye contact during the G-spot-targeting rear-entry sex position.

FYI: Women fantasize about this scenario.
 

5. Butter Churner

Also known as: Squat Thruster

Benefits: An extra rush of blood to your woman’s head to increase her ecstasy.

Technique: Men, Have your woman lie on her back with her legs raised over her head. This is not a plain Jane position! Squat over her, holding her upraised legs steady; and dip your penis in and out of her vagina. Be extra careful to thrust lightly to avoid stressing her neck—Kerner warns this position could potentially result in a neck injury. The side armrest of a sofa might help create a position similar to this with less physical exertion.

Warning: Most men’s erect penises have limits to how much they can bend downward. If this position is painful, stop before your penis ruptures internally and needs emergency surgery.

Also try: By removing yourself fully, you'll give your woman the extremely pleasurable feeling of you first entering her over and over again.

Hot tip: Novelty ignites passion by increasing your brain's levels of dopamine, a neurotransmitter linked to romance and sex drive, says biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, PhD. The Butter Churner qualifies for novelty, but you don't need to go to such extremes to sustain romance. Anything that's new and different will do the trick.



6. Couch Surfer

Also known as: The Lazy Susan

Benefits: Convenient for a quickie and adds spice outside the bedroom.

Technique: Men, Ask your woman to bend her body over the arm of a couch as you enter her from behind. She can grind on the firm but cushy arm for multiple stimulation with minimal effort.

Also try: Have her cross her ankles. This will squeeze her vaginal and gluteal muscles tightly around your penis.

FYI: This is safer than the Butter Churner, but similar.

7. Yourself on the Shelf

Also known as: The Bicycle

Benefits: “You can enjoy the view of your penis thrusting inside of your woman, and this position really allows for direct clitoral stimulation,” says Kerner.

FYI: This position requires a man with enough strength to hold his woman safely, while she gyrates up and down on his penis.

Technique: Men, Have your woman perch her butt right on the edge of a bed, chair, counter, or table. With you standing in front, you can enter her. Then have her wrap her legs around you. From there, stand up-right, placing your hands firmly around her back to support your woman without injuring your penis.

Also Try: If you don’t have the quad and glute muscles to pull this position off, just keep your woman on the edge of a counter, table, or other furnishing, penetrating her there.

Hot Tip: It’s a great way to finish having sex. Since the position is strenuous, try moving to it 30-60 seconds before you and your woman are about to orgasm.

Caution: Have a safe emergency landing spot near you(bed or sofa), in case you have an injury or lose your balance.
 

8. Ballerina

Also called Ballet Dancer

Benefits: Erotic move for quickies in tight quarters. Good option for outdoor sex. Allows for easier penetration. Your woman has control of thrusting, depth, and angle.

Technique: Men, You stand facing one another. Your woman raises one of her legs up and wraps it around your buttocks or thigh and pulls you into her with her leg.

Also try: If that wrapped leg gets tired, cradle it with your arm. If your woman is very flexible, lift her leg over your shoulder.

Hot tip: Try this standing position in a hot shower, if you have something to hang onto. During the steamy foreplay, rub each other's entire body with a coarse scrub to stimulate nerve endings and blood flow.
 

9. Iron Chef

Also known as: Kitchen Confidential

Benefits: Good sex position for a quickie with deep penetration.

Technique: Men, Help your woman up on the counter, seated facing you, with her panties removed. She sits on the edge of the counter and wraps her arms around you while you enter her from in front. Bathrooms and kitchens are the two most popular locations for this coupling, but Dining tables and workbenches are also a thrill.

A variation between The Ballet Dancer and Yourself on a Shelf; in which your woman raises her legs up and wraps them around your butt or thighs. Your kitchen counter is often the perfect height for this standing-to-seated appetizer.

Tip for him: Women often fantasize about being ravaged by her man while preparing him a special meal. Watch for signals, like a scantily dressed, or suggestive-talking woman in the kitchen. Kissing keeps her cooking!

 

10. H2 Oh Yeah

Also known as: Aquaman's Delight, Water Sex

Benefits: Good for an outdoors quickie, while still avoiding prying eyes.

Technique: Men, Another variation of The Ballet Dancer. Your woman's buoyancy in the water makes this sex position easier to hold. And all you need to do is shift some bathing suit material out of the way of certain body parts; the lifeguards will be none the wiser.

Tip for her: Cold water can hamper a man’s sexual response, so she needs to be especially attentive to arousing him in a cold pool or lake. On the positive side, men don’t ejaculate as quickly when their genitals are cold, so she gets to take her time and enjoy the ride longer. Shoulder deep water is best for minimizing the weight of the woman getting a ride on her man.



11. Wheelbarrow, Standing

Also known as: The Hoover Maneuver

Benefits: Calorie burner because it's so athletic. You can stroll around the house in this position, but draw the shades first. She may also experience a heightened climax from blood rushing to her head.

Technique: Men, You enter your woman as you would in doggy, or standing, rear entry; but lift her up by the pelvis and have her grip your waist with her legs. Stand up to invert her body, while thrusting rhythmically. Summer camp wheelbarrow races were never this much fun!

Also try: Ask her to rhythmically squeeze her pelvic floor muscles, to help her climax.
 

 12. The Elevator

Also known as: The Bees Knees

Benefits: Great for out-of-bedroom fellatio.

Technique: Men, Your woman kneels in front of you, covering her teeth with her lips and encircling your glans with her mouth. She then slowly pistons her lips up and down on your shaft, alternating speeds and occasionally stopping to move her tongue over and around your glans.

Also try: Lean a dressing mirror against a wall to the side of your body so you can enjoy the view of your woman going down on you from the side versus top down.

Hot tip for her: For variation, she can take one of your testicles into her mouth as she strokes the shaft with her hand.
 

13. Quickie-Fix

Also known as: The Bends

Benefits: Greater thrusting power, and good for quickie sex in your kitchen, especially if your woman is wearing a skirt.

Technique: Men, Ask her to bend at the waist and rest her hands on a piece of furniture, her knees or the floor for support. You enter her from behind and hold her hips for support as you thrust.

Also try: Reach below to caress her clitoris for extra stimulation. This is a great ‘shower sex’ position.

Hot tip: Massage her shoulders or stimulate her breasts by bending over her.
Chapter 2: Seated Positions

In the next several positions, we'll discuss ways to intimacy in a seated position. These options accommodate pleasure in situations where a bed is not an immediate option, or perhaps it's just time for some variety.

Let's continue.
 

14. Face Off

Also known as: The Lap Dance

Benefits: Allows for face-to-face intimacy; cozy for long sessions.

Technique: Men, Sit on a chair or the edge of the bed. Your woman then faces you, wraps her arms around your back, climbs on top, and sits on your lap. Once in the saddle, she can ride up and down on your penis by rising with her legs or knees. Want to go faster? Assist by grabbing her buttocks and lifting and bouncing.

Also try: Your woman can sit astride facing you on a rocking chair. Old wooden rockers on hardwood or stone floors provide the greatest variety of good vibes.

Hot tip: There's lots of room for creativity in this position for stimulating erogenous areas of the upper body, head, neck, and face. If she likes to have her nipples licked, go for it!
 

15. Hot Seat

Also known as: The Love Seat, The Man Chair

Benefits: Good G-spot stimulation.

Technique: Men, Sit on the edge of the bed or on a chair with your feet on the floor. Your woman turns away and backs up onto you, sitting between your legs. She can ride back and forth by pushing off the chair arms or pressing up with her feet. She can control the angle of entry by arching her back and pressing her buttocks into your groin. While doggy style is about your dominance, The Hot Seat puts your woman in the driver's seat. And that makes it one of the best sex positions for both of you.

Also try: Your woman can reach under and stimulate the base of your penis, scrotum, and perineum. Meanwhile, you can reach around and stimulate her nipples.
 

16. The Little Dipper

Benefits: “A great position that allows for clitoral stimulation with both your mouth and fingers,” says Kerner.

Technique: Men, For the Little Dipper, the woman is on top and uses either a bed, couch, or chair to hoist herself over you. You then insert your penis into her vagina or anus. She then does tricep dips to move up and down on your penis. If done correctly, you should be in a T-shape formation.

Hot tip: Play with the man’s penis, or the woman's clitoris, for extra stimulation.

FYI, the woman will have sore triceps once you both finish.

17. One Up

Also known as: Over Your Shoulder, The Hamstring Stretch

Benefits: This is the best sex position for people who are particularly sensitive along one side of the clitoris.

Technique: Men, Kneel on the floor with your woman sitting, reclining, or lying on the edge of the elevated chair, sofa, bed or swing. Raise one of her legs and ask her to support it by wrapping her hands around her hamstring just below the knee. With one hip raised, she will be able to add some movement to aid in your stroking or to help move you to the perfect spot.

Also try: Encourage your woman to wriggle a little to help you get the rhythm right.

Hot tip: During oral sex, allow the knuckle of your finger to trail behind your tongue. The contrast between soft flesh of the tongue and hard bone of the finger will create a pleasing sensation. (For more oral pleasure positions, check out Your Ultimate Guide to Oral Sex.)

Hot tip for her: She can let you know the tongue pressure and technique she prefers by demonstrating with her mouth on your earlobe.

18. Spin Cycle

Also known as: Maytag Repair Man
Benefits: Extra vibes. It's true that women in the nineteen sixties fell in love with the automatic washing machine. But she seldom talked about all the benefits received from the modern convenience.

It seems that when a woman puts all her weight on the rapidly spinning machine, the vibrations pulse and overwhelm her nearby clitoral vaginal nerves.

Some brave women shared this little detail with her receptive man. This sometimes resulted in men utilizing the sturdy machine to enhance their woman's pleasure and perhaps even their own?

Technique: Men, This is a variation on the Hot Seat with your woman sitting in your lap, but this time planting yourselves on top of a washing machine, set at the highest agitator cycle.

Tip: Throw some heavy rugs in the machine ahead of time, and interrupt the process until the two of you are ready for some intimacy. Once you're both mounted and ready, Pull the knob and let the tremors begin.
 

19. Stairway to Heaven

Also known as: Step Lively

Benefits: Good hand holds for your woman, and you don't have to wait until reaching the bedroom.

Technique: Men, This is a variation on the Hot Seat with your woman sitting on top of you while you sit on one of the stairs of a staircase. Stairs offer good seating possibilities, and a handrail for extra support and lifting leverage for her.

Tip: This unique incline provides ways to gently support the woman's weight as she descends the shaft, gently. Either the upper steps or the hand rails can give her a safe and supportive aid.

Caution: the lower steps of a flight are perhaps a safer option, if orgasm intensity impacts consciousness, leading to a tumble down the flight.
 

20. Heir to the Throne

Also known as: Lazy Girl

Benefits: The ultimate sex position for oral on the go, use this to get your woman in the mood and help her cut loose.

Technique: Men, Have your woman sit on a chair with her legs wide open. You take it from there. This is a good sex position for either beginning the slow build-up with loose, broad, strokes, or ending with strong suction. Your woman is able to easily guide you, and she’s able to get a full view of you between her legs, which is a turn-on for many women.

Also try: Switch to a swivel chair and turn it left and right as you hold your tongue stationary.

Hot tip: Insert your index and ring fingers and stroke in a "come hither" motion to wake up her G-spot using this sex position. With either your tongue or other hand, apply pressure to her pubic bone. This dual stimulation executed just right will send your woman over the edge.


 

21. Seated Wheelbarrow

Also known as: Wheelbarrow at Rest

Benefits: Less strenuous than the standing varieties of this sex position, while still offering intense sensation. With less ability to thrust, this position allows a guy to last longer before blowing his load.

Technique: Men, A recliner or the edge of a bed will be handy for this. The man is seated and lays back. The woman straddles over him, facing away from him, and moves her vagina down his erect penis (as in Reverse Cowgirl.) He begins to sit up and firmly holds her around her hips as she leans down over his legs. The man firmly keeps his hold around her waist while she extends her legs backward along either side of him. She continues letting her torso lower down to the floor, while he’s holding her hips firmly planted against his penis. She sets the motion while he enjoys a great view and access to her anal assets. Try the wheelbarrow while sitting on the edge of a bed or chair. Movement is limited, but penetration is deep.

A nearby ottoman or other sturdy footrest can be helpful when the woman wants to transition her torso to facing down on his legs. She's then free to express tender affection to his feet and toes.

If the woman is aroused by spanking or anal probing, this position easily accommodates the lovers. A woman's orgasm may become more intense, if her head is declining to lower altitude than her hips.

Hot tips for him: Make some noise. Explore the deeper sexual response and energy by letting loose with powerful sounds, a roar, perhaps? Have some oil or lube nearby to give her a special anal massage and/or exploration.
 

22. Swiss Ball Blitz

Also known as: Romper Room

Benefits: See The Hot Seat. Also, adds bounce to your thrusts.

Technique: Men, Have a big exercise ball in your workout room? Use a stability ball to add some bounce to The Hot Seat. Sit on the ball with your feet on the floor. Have your woman back up onto you, sitting between your legs. Roll and bounce to it.
Let her do the grinding and pumping. Even the slightest energy exerted with bring an amplified response, and the thrill will exceed your biggest amusement ride fantasies.

Tips for him: She’ll have a great time, but your attention to her breasts with make it even more memorable.

Tips for her: Tuck the big ball in the corner of the room if you want it to stay securely put. It’ll allow you to focus on the pleasure and avoid an injury visit to the ER. The nurses there just love to hear your titillating red-faced explanations, but you’ll never live it down.
Chapter 3 Sideways Loving

 

23. Spoon, Facing

Also known as: Sidewinder

Benefits: A very intimate face-to-face position that encourages hugging and kissing.

Technique: Men, This is an ideal position if your woman is pregnant or either one of you had a knee injury because it keeps weight off the body. To get into the position, begin by lying on your sides and facing one another. Your woman spreads her legs slightly to allow you to enter her, then closes her legs so the part of your shaft that's outside can press against her clitoris. It's easy to kiss from this intimate face-to-face position.

Also try: Because thrusting is more difficult in this position, use different techniques such as grinding, circular, and up-and-down motions for added stimulation.

Hot tip: Hug each other for 20 seconds before getting busy. Hugging raises your levels of oxytocin, a bonding hormone your body produces naturally, and that will enhance your connection.
 

24. Spoon

Also known as: The Sleeper Hold

Benefits: Comfortable sex position if your woman is pregnant or you're heavy. Also ideal for long lovemaking. Good one for falling asleep afterward.

Technique: Men, You both lie on your sides facing the same direction, you in back. Your woman bends her knees and pushes her butt back toward you for easier access to her vagina. Adjusting the lean of your bodies will vary the angle of entry and help with rocking and thrusting.

Also try: Synchronize your breathing. One of you takes the lead and the other follows so that you inhale and exhale together. The coordinated rhythm opens an unspoken dialogue of intimacy.

Hot tip: To give her the sensation of greater width inside her, from the Spoon position, have her bend and lift her top leg to her breasts. Adjust your position, so you are more on top of her hip than behind her.

 

25. Gift Wrapped

Also known as: The Horny Mantis

Benefits: Relaxing position with deeper penetration and increased intimacy.

Technique: Men, Both of you lie on your sides facing one another. Your woman bends and spreads her legs, and angles her vagina toward you. You lift your legs between hers to enter while she wraps her legs around your back.

Also try: She can use her legs and feet to pull you close during thrusts for deeper penetration.
 

26. Open-Legged Spoon

Benefits: It's everything you love about the classic spoon position, with the added opportunity for clitoris access.

Technique: Men, From the spoon position above, the woman lifts her top leg and drapes it backward over her penetrating man’s hips.

Hot tip: The open-legged element of this position means the man in back can reach around and play with his woman's clit—either with his hand or a vibrator.

Concluding

In part two, we’ll discuss option for horizontal intimacy, with thirty variations in which men and women take turns being on top.
Join us next time, and enjoy some fun imagination; then plan on when & where to start mastering new coupling expressions.

Why creepy guys often don't get laid, even at a swingers’ club

By Hord Holm. Listen to the Podcast at How To Sex.

I've been to a Swinger Club on roughly a dozen occasions, so perhaps not enough to count myself as an expert. But perhaps enough to have observed some common behaviors, and these are what I want to address here, particularly in relation to single guys who go to Swinger Clubs.

The Swinger Club ScenarioWhat usually happens is that my husband suggests that we go to our preferred club about a week ahead of time (or further out, if there is an enticing theme advertised for a particular night.)#

We make our reservation, and then I wonder: what kind of night will it be? It will either be a great night, lots of fun with amiable strangers, or it will be a night for just me and my hubby because of a Plague of Creepy Guys, who we will have to spend at least part of the evening avoiding.

But what, pray, does this Plague of Creepy Guys look like?

I need to start by outlining how a Swinger Club will usually be laid out. The Club is most likely divided into three zones.

The first zone is the Bar and Social Zone. Sex might happen there, but the main purpose of this zone is for patrons to relax, buy expensive drinks, which brings in one half of the Club's profit margin, and get to know each other.

The second zone is the Spa Zone, with a sauna, massage area, perhaps a hot tub or even an indoor pool. Sex might happen here, too, but often the Club regulations will prohibit sex in the hot tub or pool, if there is one, for hygiene reasons.

The third zone is the 'Action Zone,' which is where most of the fucking will occur. There will be separate rooms offering greater or lesser privacy, perhaps with themes or pieces of equipment, mirrored walls and ceilings, etc.

On arriving at the Club, the average patron will head for one of the first two areas until they feel like heading for the Action Zone. And it's then that the Plague of Creepy Guys will be encountered. This Plague will most likely be really off-putting to the first couples who enter the Action Zone, though they may be less of an issue once a greater number of couples, or perhaps even threesomes & groups, are scattered about.But we have to ask a question: why is everyone at the Club?Well, to get laid, of course! Though there may be the occasional patron who is there more as a voyeur; in which case, the following isn't really addressed to them. And if that's you, then have fun and don't be too creepy about it. Those patrons looking to get laid are divided into three groups; couples, single men, and single women.

However, single women are generally rarer than hen's teeth! I have seen one in the times I've attended clubs, and talking to more regular attendees one in twelve visits is actually better than average. And when we consider it, that's hardly a surprise as it must take some pretty tough chops as a single woman to walk into a Swinger Club and put oneself in that situation without anyone on one's 'side'. Hell, I’m adventurous, but I would never go without my man!

This leaves us with a clientele divided between couples and single guys, and thus there are, by definition, pretty much always more men than women in the Club; unless it's a couples-only night. And this factor, the outnumbering of women by men, is the basis of the Plague of Creepy Guys.
Describing the ‘Creepy Guy’For the purposes of this piece, the Creepy Guy can be defined as follows: he can be young or old, handsome or a broken-down old wreck, or anything in between, but his defining characteristics are his silence and an air of desperation. He wanders around the Action Zone seeking to interpose himself on couples (or threesomes, or occasionally groups), with his cock in his hand and his mouth hanging half open, and at no point does he say anything.

Now, I get it. Single guys are the bread and butter of Swinger Clubs (indeed, they are the other half of the Club's profit margin). They pay a premium to get in and they want to get their money's worth. Single guys aren't necessarily Creepy Guys, either, but if they are they can be absolute pests.

Perhaps the Creepy guy is proud that he doesn’t spend the money on a cheap hooker or a lap dance. But he sees this entry charge as something which entitles him to a return on investment. Yet the women guests don’t owe Creepy Guy nothing!

On his own, the Creepy Guy; unless particularly persistent, can be largely ignored. But when they start prowling around the Action Zone in packs?

What usually happens is that a couple feels like getting it on, they go into the Action Zone and find a place to get jiggy, a Creepy Guy spots them, and through some weird telepathic process all the other Creepy Guys activate, and as a group they mob the couple, at a distance, thankfully; and become an off-putting crowd staring, hoping, wanking, gazing at the woman like dying men in the Sahara who've seen the promised oasis.

At this point, many of the couples retreat back to the Bar, and let someone else deal with the Plague instead.

So then the Creepy Guys go into standby mode, waiting for the next couple to enter the Action Zone, activating when they do, and following them around like a bunch of stalkers, waiting for the outside chance that they might be invited to join in. This is, after all, their ultimate aim.

Finally, when enough couples are enjoying one other; the Plague becomes less noticeable, and the atmosphere usually improves a notch or two.

But you see the problem here? The Creepy Guys are self-defeating, by and large.

There is the occasional woman who is fine with beckoning one of these horny lurkers to spread her legs, and sometimes there might be a particular themed night designed for such women to avail themselves of numbers of such men.

In truth, the Gangbang Night, or whatever other name might be accorded to it; is probably the best night for single men to attend the Swinger Club and get lucky. But even then, success is not a given.

Thus, there are many men who pay a large entrance fee, and find themselves with an expensive bar bill, which is due upon his departure. He pays, but he’s not had any action. They can be naturally disappointed, and sometimes they even take to forums to complain that they haven't been laid despite the money they've spent.

And so to the point: how can one minimize the chances of being one of those men?

A side note here: down at the Swinger Club we understand that other folks are going to ogle at us while we're getting it on. We might even welcome it, and often we do. Though, if we don't welcome oglers, and we try to find a more discreet corner; then perhaps it might be better to just let us get busy in peace. Please. If my man and I do decide to enlarge our circle, it’s usually to connect with another couple, not some out-of-town sales rep.
Porn Star LooksSo, you want to get lucky? Well, the first thing to note is that, as alluded to above, you can wander around a Swinger Club looking buff and tanned, as if you've stepped out of an expensive production, but that doesn't guarantee you success, and if you believe it does; then prepare yourself for disappointment.

It should also be noted that us women in a Swinger Club are likely not to be America's Next Top Model either: swingers are, basically, ordinary people. We are your neighbors, who just happen to have a sexual interest in people other than our regular partners.

So, 'Mr. Buff and Tanned and God's Gift to Phillies', if you do make contact with a woman in the Club don't turn her down merely because she doesn't meet your exacting standards. Of course, if you don't fancy someone that's perfectly fine, but don't go in expecting the impossible.

One problem is, that you may have got your image of what a Swinger Club looks like from PornHub, or from reading stories on this or other sites. Don't assume that either the films you've seen or the stories you've read reflect reality.

When a writer crafts a story about a Swinger Club there's no guarantee they've ever been to one, and even if they go week-in, week-out that doesn't mean they are writing reality -- by and large they are creating a fantasy. Don't fall into the trap of believing that an author's fantasy is anything more than, at its most realistic, an exaggeration.

The same goes for video: when a production company rocks up at a Swinger Club they will either ask for volunteers from the clientele who want to feature in their production (they will have done this some time in advance), or they will have hired talent to pretend to be swingers. Usually, it will be some combination of hired talent and genuine swingers. When it comes to the genuine swingers, though, it must be assumed that the production company will do what they can to pick the better-looking ones from those who have agreed to participate. Thus, what one sees in the final production doesn't necessarily reflect what an average group of swingers might look like, and it's best to assume that the group on film are generally better-looking than the swingers in the Club on the night you attend.

That isn't to say that swingers look like the back end of a bus, and I don't want to suggest that they do. But it is to point out that the likelihood is that the swingers you will see in a "Swingers' Report" or "Real Swingers' Club" type of production have been hired and selected. Fantasy stories on Lit, and videos on PornHub or its ilk are not reality.

The bottom line that I'm trying to get to is that looks mean little. Well, no, actually that's not true... The real bottom line is that looks mean nothing if you don't:
CommunicateRemember up above, when we examined what the average Swinger Club is likely to look like? There are usually three zones and the first one is a Bar and Social Zone. This is where Creepy Guy often makes his most basic mistake. The number of guys I've seen who take up position in the Bar and Social Zone, beer in hand, and then simply stare at any woman who happens to be there.

Of course, they never actually talk to said woman. No! That would be too obvious, surely! But they will sit (or stand) and stare, and make the woman feel uncomfortable, and when she doesn't pay attention to them and actively avoids eye contact, they stare at the next woman, and then go to the Action Zone after they've had a couple of drinks and congregate with the other single guys, and once a woman and her chosen partner enter the Action Zone they flock around in a group hoping to get laid. And mostly, they don't.

Please, if you are a single guy going to a Swinger Club, don't be that single guy, don't be Creepy Guy. I know it can be hard to talk to strangers, to be the one to break the ice, but I can vouch for the fact that the guys who do best aren't necessarily the ones with the buff muscles and the sock down their boxer-briefs. The guys who do best are the ones who take the time to introduce themselves to the women (and their partners) at the bar, who take the time to be pleasant and interesting, and who don't assume that they deserve to stick their cock in whoever they want just because they've paid their entrance fee.

Silently staring at a woman and making her feel uncomfortable are not winning tactics in this situation. And just because she is in a Swinger Club and thus, pretty much by definition, wants to get laid, it doesn't mean she automatically wants to get laid by you if you've been following her with your staring eyes, and then with your tongue hanging out and your cock in your hand. Yes, there are some women who might like that, who might feel flattered by that, but it's tactically better to assume that the woman you've spotted across the bar is going to feel far more willing to go to the Action Zone with you if you've taken the time and effort to go up to her and say, "Hi, my name is John. What's yours?"
Her PartnerAnd say hello to her partner, too. As we've already noted, single women are rare in Swinger Clubs, thus virtually every woman you meet will be with her partner. And here we encounter the next lie; (sorry, 'exaggeration') that porn and fantasy fiction feeds us: most guys who are in a Swinger Club with their wives/girlfriends are not into a humiliation kink. Some might be, and good luck to them if they are, but again it's best to assume that they very definitely aren't until you know otherwise. So, if you go up to a woman at the bar or in the social area, and she is sitting or standing next to a man, pretending he doesn't exist or treating him like some 'soy-boy' cuck is likely to piss off not only him, but also the woman, who doesn't want to see her man treated like shit thank you very much, no matter how much of a steak-eating alpha you might consider yourself to be.

Men who are in a Swinger Club with their partners have almost certainly had some in-depth discussions with their wives, and they are generally also keen to partner up with a woman they didn't arrive with. They are also probably happy, or even keen, for their wife to fuck about. But they will be leaving with the same woman they arrived with, and both halves of the couple view the other as their primary responsibility. So treat him with respect, talk to him as well as her, and if she's interested in going to the Action Zone with you; your respect towards her partner is, at the very least, unlikely to weaken her desire and indeed, may well reinforce it. You'll soon know.

And it's also worth remembering that some couples give each other vetoes. So, if you act like my husband doesn't exist, barging between us and showing him your back, you might find that I can see him shaking his head over your shoulder and buddy, you've been declined!

One should, however, be wary of one type of swinger couple: the first-time swingers. They've talked about it, they think they've covered all the bases, but the truth is that neither of them really knows how they will react to seeing their partner being chatted up/chatting up someone else at the bar. Or even more to the point, how they will react when she has a stranger's cock in her mouth or has his fingers in a stranger's pussy, as she moans in his ear.

If you find yourself talking to a couple who've never swung before, treat them carefully, take it slowly, and read the room before. In your eagerness, you suggest that she gets it on with you. Most importantly, check that he's on board with it, and be ready to back off if the vibe is wrong.

There is one last thing to consider on the issue of looks, and that is single men and how they dress. Very often Creepy Guys have one other thing in common other than silence and an air of desperation; they seem to believe that they only need throw on any old t-shirt and jeans. Swinger Clubs have dress codes, but the reality is that they want single guys' money, so they will often turn a blind eye to a guy who falls (or even plummets) below expected sartorial standards.

But we women, for example, notice. If a man has made the effort to wear a shirt (ironed), and shave, and put on deodorant, it doesn't mean I will fuck him. But it does mean I won't be repelled by him, which is better than the way we feels about the roughly ten percent of the men in the Club every time we go; who can't be bothered to do these things. And for the love of God, wash your cock and balls!
Dutch CourageIt's hard to walk into a bar and not order a drink, especially if you know that you need to make contact with strangers if you're going to get what you really want. But booze can be a problem in the Swinger Club, and in particular, too much booze. How tragic it is to see a guy downing three or four beers and getting cheerful and chatty, and yet to know that he runs the real risk that Mr Happy will soon be Mr Floppy. Indeed, I have told my husband and others, on more than one occasion that, "he couldn't get it up," and when I point out which poor chap couldn't, I smile gently at the memory of him ordering yet another drink at the bar an hour earlier.

Of course, it might not be the drink: we're already in a pressured situation for any but the most confident of single guys. All that money spent just getting in, the realization that just being there is no guarantee of getting any action, seeing many more men than women and doing that mental arithmetic that tells us that failure is more likely than success. Hell, it's enough to drive a man to drink! And so, one drink becomes two becomes four, but then Hallelujah! A woman wants us to fuck. Followed, minutes later by gloom, as 'Tiger' doesn't want to come out to play.

So, as a general piece of advice, don't magnify the possibility of performance anxiety with an alcohol-based erectile difficulty: save the drink for afters. Yes, yes! I know you're the type of guy who can drain a keg and still service an entire cheerleading team, sure, but why take the risk?
ConsentWe've dealt with the main issues that I have noticed with single guys in Swinger Clubs, but. Actually, no, scrub that. We haven't. Here's a hugely important one: consent. By this I don't mean the obvious consent of asking someone before attempting to fuck them. Or actually, I do mean that, which is just incredibly disheartening to have to put down on paper. As a rough rule of thumb some guy is ejected from the preferred Club I attend every third visit, and the Club I go to with my husband isn't seedy in the slightest. But every three nights or so there seems to be some knucklehead who doesn't get it, who doesn't understand that even in the midst of half a dozen couples swapping and passing and doing everything and more, there is still positive consent.

I remember seeing this for the first time, on my first visit to a Swinger Club, and being impressed. The gaining of consent by experienced swingers is not a great production, but instead is a simple, "can I?" or "do you want me to?" followed by indicating the act the person has in mind. It's done with the minimum of fuss, and often the consent is a simple nod. Alternatively, the 'receiver' can ask for what they want the other person to do with them, which can be difficult for a novice but is something soon learned as the most effective way of getting what one wants (and is, let's face it, rarely turned down when it's a woman asking a guy to do something with her).

It needn't be more than this to get consent, but it does need to be at least this, and consent must be positive. It is not good enough when a person (and let's be honest here, it's almost always a woman) is put into a position where they have to say 'no' to stop a guy doing something: that guy should never have begun to do what he is doing without first securing the consent of the woman.

So, single guys, positive consent, at all times. If a woman tells you to do what you want with her, then huzzah! Have a ball! But until then, every step of the journey needs to be assented to by her. If consent isn't given, watch the experienced swingers take it on the chin and move on without getting their knickers in a twist, and emulate.

And a note here for any women reading this who might frequent swinger establishments: if you want a guy to do something, tell him, don't simply assume he's telepathic and then get disappointed when you find out he isn't.
CondomsThe last issue that needs to be mentioned here is condoms. Of course, you've seen the Swinger Club videos on the interweb and those hot'n'horny folks all go bareback, don't they? What's more, you're in the Club and you've had a couple or four beers and that latex sheath you're being pressed to wear is only going to ruin your performance. Tough!

The better Swinger Clubs will tell you that they can't, of course, demand you put a condom on, but they will recommend it to the end of time. The others will give you a false sense of security by saying they insist on them; but how? They won't have Swinger Club 'police' wandering around enforcing the rule; it's up to you. And it must be accepted that there are times when a couple in a club might well go bareback. You might even see it with your own eyes, and wonder why, if it's good enough for them, the woman you are about to slide into is insisting you put one of those pesky condoms on.

But here's the thing. That couple is probably a married or long term couple. They are regular partners. You just don't know that because you've never seen them before.

I canl attest that, when it comes to condoms, there are two types of guys. The first type is reaching for a condom before I’ve even got my panties off: it is an automatic reaction for him, in the environment of the Club to reach for a condom. I don't regard him as a saint for doing this, by the way, and he doesn't gain browny points.

But the second type of guy certainly loses points. His common request goes something like, "but I have a long-term partner, so we don't really need to use condoms, do we?"

Er; let's think about this, shall we? I (or indeed, anyone else) have just met Guy No. 2, and he expects me to take what he says on trust? And where the fuck are we, for pity's sake?! Oh yes, a Swinger Club where you, Guy No. 2, may well have had your cock, unprotected for all anyone knows, inside another person not thirty minutes before. Let alone what you might have been doing yesterday, or last week, or whenever/wherever you were able to convince someone else that bareback is the way. And no, it doesn't matter that you've had (or claim to have had) a vasectomy.

So, use condoms. Swallow your entitlement and stick that health-saving bit of latex on your manhood, and don't be a jerk.
EntitlementAnd so, to summarize, with a lovely little segue from the end of the last point into my final sub-heading.

Swinger Clubs are, by and large, a whole kaboodle of fun. But there is, as always, a 'but'. The 'but' generally being the attitudes and actions of those single guys who believe that, once inside a Swinger Club, they are entitled to the sexual attentions of a woman, any woman.

This short piece was inspired by a Forum thread begun by someone who came across very much as if they felt entitled to sex because, hey, it's a Swinger Club and I'm horny and paid my hard-earned money to get in, damn it! Now, to be fair, the person who began that thread did modify their position once they had engaged with other posters, and they did admit that their initial position was unreasonably entitled. So, kudos, and they deserve only respect for questioning their initial position and coming to the conclusion that it was unjustified.

However, reading the beginning of that thread sadly chimed with some of the behaviour of single guys that I have witnessed with my own eyes. These are the Creepy Guys, and whilst they might sometimes get what they want, they often don't and they often bring the whole atmosphere down, down, down. However, there are other single guys in Swinger Clubs that I've met, and they've been the opposite: they've been pleasant, conversational and humorous, and who'd have thunk it, but they've had far more success than their counterparts who wander around with glaring eyes and their cock in their hands, unable to comprehend why they are failing.

At this point I must also hat doff a particular article by Isabella Emily. It summed up much of what I have noted here, only more succinctly, and perhaps more kindly. So, kudos there, too. Isabella Emily, in particular, correctly noted that just because a woman is in a Swinger Club, she is not obliged to fuck any guy who happens to want her, and this point is the key to it all: just because you want her, it doesn't mean she wants you.

So, if you, as a single guy, are in a Swinger Club and feeling horny and you've seen someone you want to hook up with, please follow these simple suggestions:

1: Do Look as if you've made an effort.

2: Don't get drunk. Drunk people can be an annoyance, and are less likely to be able to perform.

3: Don't hang about with the other single guys in a little swarm, descending as a squadron whenever a couple look like they are about to have sex. In fact, try not to go to the Action Zone at all unless you are going with someone you already spoke to in the bar and who has agreed to a hook-up. Or simply to briefly check out the action in a non-creepy kind of way.

4: Do engage with people in the bar, saying, "Hello," and other similar social niceties rather than simply staring like a stalker. Smiling helps, too. And if someone doesn't seem that keen on you, accept their decision with good grace and move on.

5: If she is with a partner, as she almost certainly will be, don't pretend he doesn't exist. At least he got a woman to come here, Did you?

6: Do Get positive consent.

7: If you do get lucky, don't whine about condoms: just use one.

8: And if nothing works, and you strike out, Do accept your failure with humor. Because you are not guaranteed anything, you are not owed anything. And sorry if your time and money feels wasted but that's the way the cookie crumbles sometimes.

And the final don't? That should be obvious by now. Don't be the creepy stalker type guy who walks around expecting to get laid without needing to do anything as inconvenient as actually conversing with anyone, and getting clearly more frustrated as the evening wears on and he's getting nowhere. Basically, check your entitlement at the door.

Finally, if you really want to boost your chances in a Swinger Club, don't go on your own. I realize that isn't always possible, but if you can take a partner then you'll almost certainly hook up, even if it's 'only' with the person you came with!

Plus, I and other women may assume you’re more desirable, if another decent woman came with you.

By Hord Holm

Ms. Evangelina Vargas advises wives who want to be “hot.”

By vargas 1 1 1. Listen to the Podcast at How To Sex.

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This topic comes up more often than our society is comfortable with. To illustrate the matter, imagine the scenario of a couple of 50 year old English gentlemen down at the corner pub; when one of them says; “Nigel, I don’t know how to say this, but I have it on reliable certitude that your wife has been shagging a younger bloke from church.”
To which Nigel responds with a relaxed breath; “Well, at least someone is shagging her.”

#

Some men just lack the libido of their spouse, especially decades after the peak of a man’s virility of the early twenties.

More than a few marriages dissolve in a painful betrayal and severe disruption of a cohesive home. It’s even more traumatic when kids lose a 2-parent cohesion, because mom and dad couldn’t work out a satisfying sexual arrangement.
We’re presenting the expert advice of well-known ‘hot wife,’ Evangelina Vargas, to weigh in on the issue, for those of you who relate to the conundrum.

Guidelines for Happily Married Hot Wives

By Evangelina Vargas, with contributions from Dawn MWF 4 Blk

Okay, you have heard about being a “hot wife.” It sounds sexy but a little scary, too. You have lots of questions and uncertainties and many women have written my brother, Homer Vargas, for advice. Well, he has asked me to reply because this is something better handled between us girls. With two grown daughters, one kid in kindergarten, one in nursery school, and a bun in the oven, I’ve “been there, done that.”

Why?

Probably your first question is “Why should I become a ‘hot wife?’” There are many reasons but the most important one is, love. You have a wonderful husband whom you love more than anything in the world. You want to please him, to make him happy. You think that he might like a hot wife, but maybe you are not sure. What if he thinks you are a slut? Put that out of your mind, sweetie. Take it from me; if your husband is a heterosexual male, he wants a hot wife. If he is not heterosexual (or is a little underpowered sexually), there may be other reasons for you to become a hot wife, but I will not deal with those here. Men want hot wives; therefore you want to become the woman he wants.

Besides wanting to please your man, it’s also a matter of elementary justice. Your husband deserves a hot wife. He has made a commitment to you. He loves you above all other women. He has promised to be faithful to you, giving up pussy from all those other little hotties he was fucking before he met you. You owe him at least the sexual satisfaction he could be getting from those other women if he were still “on the loose.”

In addition, being a hot wife should be a matter of personal fulfillment. You are a woman and you want to be the best, the sexiest, the most feminine woman possible. Becoming a hot wife; an ever hotter hot wife; will give meaning and purpose to your life, releasing you from self-centeredness and ennui.

Then, too, being a hot wife is a very healthy lifestyle. To become and remain a hot wife, you will have to exercise daily, watch what you eat, maintain your body in top form. Dieting and physical fitness will not seem like a chore when you keep in mind that you are honing your body for your adored husband’s sexual gratification. You are not just a “sex object”; and proud of being a damn good one, you are a sex object d'art!

Moreover, being a hot wife is to your material advantage. You want the good things of life: a nice house, fancy clothes, travel, fine food. So how does being a hot wife get you these things? Simple, honey. To acquire the material possessions you want, you need a financially successful husband. And nothing contributes to a man’s success more than having a hot wife.

For one thing, a hot wife at home does wonders for a man’s self-confidence. After a night with you, he walks into that boardroom or law office or shop floor and looks around knowing that no other man in that room has a wife as hot as his! No one else, only a few hours ago, had a woman riding his cock, screaming his name in ecstasy as she orgasmed over and over, begging him to fuck her longer, harder. A man with a couple of good early-morning fucks like that under his belt can kick ass and get other men to do things his way.

But in addition to his self-confidence, the reputation of having a hot wife will give your husband leg up in any encounter with other men. Remember, men are competitive, always measuring themselves against other men. When his rivals and co-workers know your husband has a hot wife, it gives him prestige and allows him to get his way. He’ll be the one chosen for the highest bonus, the promotion, the challenging assignment that leads to advancement. And of every dollar he earns, 75% to 80% will be spent on YOU, his loving hot wife. (Of course if you are a hot high income professional that will further boost your husband’s career.)

There is another reason as well that must be mentioned, girls, even though it’s not too pleasant. You need to be a hot wife in self-defense. Knowledge that your man is married immediately makes him a much more attractive target for other women. For some women, knowing a man is able to make a commitment causes their claws to grow. Tired of boyfriends whom they have screwed for months or years only to see them slip from their clutches; these women may figure that here is a man who has proven catchable.

For others, it’s just the opposite. They know you have your guy well tied down and he’s not likely to get serious when all a girl wants is sex. And the way you look and act indicates that at least one other woman (you) has found him highly satisfactory in the sex department. Yummy!

Still other women seek out married men because they know that married men are likely to be sexually unsatisfied. Sad to say, most women (you are going to be a glorious exception) cut back on the frequency and nastiness of sex once they have “landed” a guy, leaving the poor schmuck flopping around in frustration like a fish out of water.

Finally, and this is paradoxical, the very success that your husband achieves thanks to your being his hot wife, makes him a more desirable prey. There are hundreds of sexy, slutty women out there wanting to take your husband from you and you have to be sexier and sluttier than they are, to keep him!

How?

Now that you understand the reasons to become a hot wife, the important question is, “how.” First, and this is almost too elementary for me to have to mention but many women miss this point: SEX. Yes! You will want to make love, have sex, fuck, screw, boink, shag, get it on, “do it” with your husband every time he can get it hard. Any woman can out-fuck any number of men; so there is no reason for your husband ever to be horny if your cunt is around. The key to a happy, successful, faithful husband is enough sex to keep his eyes crossed.

Almost more important than the frequency and nastiness (we’ll get to that later) of sex is to make sure he understands that you want sex it because HE is a macho sexy Neanderthal stud. You are not doing him a favor (although you are!). These are not just frequent mercy fucks. You are fucking him because he turns you on. He makes you hot. He makes you want sex. He makes you NEED sex! With such a man, you are a sex slave!

Now let’s talk about what kind of sex to have with your husband starting with what kind not to have. It will NOT be once a week, in the bedroom, missionary position, lights out, “think of England” while he empties his balls in you. No! You are so burning with lust for your husband that you will want him to take you on the shag rug in the living room, on the dining table, bending over in the kitchen, draped over the back of the sofa in the family room, in the shower. You have a totally irresistible desire to let him eat you and an almost irresistible desire to give him blowjobs (you swallow greedily), tempered only by the thought that each load of cum in your mouth is one less in your needy cunt. You are multi-orgasmic, or will fake it until you train yourself to become so. You are a moaner and a groaner and a squealer and a screamer. You claw his back in ecstasy. You like it doggie style, riding his cock, legs bent behind you head or heels (6" stilettos) in the air. He can call you every filthy name in the book if it gets you a harder cock and a more cum pumped into your needy cunt. You put every porn movie he’s ever seen to shame.

Because you want to fuck your husband so desperately, all the time, you are constantly looking for ways to excite him, to entice him, to make him want to fuck you. This means taking the initiative, seducing him! You will want to have a collection of sexy nightwear and scandalous casual wear for around the house that signal your constant horniness. Seldom is total nudity best. Always keep on a necklace, bracelets, and your heels during sex. Cleanliness is good and perfume is great, but never wash off or cover up the womanly scent of an aroused cunt. Be proud of how wet he makes you and put up with the mess.

Of course you do not stop being a hot wife when your hubby is off making money for you to spend. A true hot wife would not be able to go through a long day without her man if she did not have toys to keep her sane. Dildos and vibrators will keep you simmering and ready for his return. Masturbation is also important to help you become or remain multi-orgasmic. And of course he likes to know that while he is away, you are missing him so badly you need a large cylindrical object up your twat.

As you get into being a hot wife, seeing how proud and happy your husband is, you will gain self-confidence about displaying your body. You may decide to start taking out the trash early in the morning wearing only a flimsy nightie. You may want to shop for groceries in a short shift that lets anyone see you have nothing on beneath it but your stockings and heels. If you work, you will occasionally “forget” to wear bra and panties to the office.

Now the next point is not for everyone and not absolutely necessary to be a hot wife, but many hot wives are strongly bi-sexual. Girl-girl sex is a great way to pass the long horny hours when hubby is away but it’s also a great way to find women to bring to his bed for a threesome. (Husbands love threesomes with two women.) I have found nothing turns my husband on faster than seeing another little honey and me with our tongues buried in each other’s cunts. And later I let him show me how grateful he is.

Your looks

Hair is also important. You want a hairstyle that is attractive to your husband, not something that is convenient or easy to manage. Generally men like longer, curly or wavy hair. Variety is nice. If you are brunet, go blonde. If you are blond, try red or darker, perhaps darker with highlights. You have to find what works for you, but the important thing, is you are doing this for him. Don’t ask him how he likes your new style; ask him if it makes you look sexier. When he says yes, make him prove it.

Finally a word on body type. Any “body” can be hot as long as you are neither anorexic nor seriously obese. In general men like rounder and fuller women than other women do. Before you decided to become a hot wife, you were probably keeping your weight down because of the expectations of other women, so it’s likely you will can to put on a few pounds. On the other hand taking off a few pounds can say, “I want to be sexy for you.”

So far we have discussed what you need to do in private. Being a hot wife, however, is as much or more about how you behave in public as it is about what you do when you are alone with your husband (or with him and one or two other women). If there is one golden rule of hot wife public behavior it is: DRESS THE PART. When you go out, remember you are NOT dressing for yourself. You are no longer dressing for other women as most women are prone to do. You are not even dressing just for your husband. You are dressing to show off for and tease your husband’s friends, co-workers and rivals. You are dressing to attract and please other men.

Dressing to please and attract other men takes more time and work but take it from me, it will pay off tremendously in amount of attention you receive and how it affects your own “hot wife attitude.” You should always keep in mind what the men you are trying to attract will probably like but in general follow this simple rule when choosing what to wear: "Think dress first, skirt second, and pants only as a last resort.” This will be a radical change for many women but it’s important to remember that most men prefer their women in dresses as opposed to pants. Short dresses and skirts are sexier to most men and they provide easier access in erotic situations. Any skirt or dress that’s more than barely hiding your cookies should have a slit to show more flesh. Even a long gown can be sexy if slit nearly to the waist. You never know when you will have the opportunity to attract that certain man and you need to be dressed for the opportunity when it comes. The good news is that the hot wife lifestyle will probably make you feel like dressing up more and the more you wear dresses and skirts, the more you will find yourself wanting to.

Now I can already hear the objections. “Oh, Evangelina, I could never wear clothes like that. I’m too [fill in the blank] short-tall-round-thin-dark-light.” Nonsense. The point is not to have women (skinny supermodels) make clothes look sexy; it’s to have clothes make women (of all sizes and shapes) look sexy. Believe me, girlfriend, any woman looks good in a miniskirt and a top that shows the rounded top of your boobs.

Wardrobe

What you wear under your dress or skirt is as important as the outfit itself. All men love women in sexy lingerie. The colors and styles you may want wear will vary but in general, here are some suggestions and rules to follow:

1: Always wear matching or at least coordinated lingerie.

2: Bras & blouses should maximize your bust size and display as much cleavage as possible.

3. Choose thongs or French cut panties (crotch-less) are best. Avoid white cotton unless you are going for the “Catholic Schoolgirl” look. If you are with men who know you, no panties is the best option.

4. Always wear hosiery. High tops and thigh highs are great for casual wear but stocking held up by corsets or garter belt are best for formal occasion. No pantyhose. If you are like me, you probably have worn pantyhose your whole life, but they are death to your image as a hot wife. It is practically impossible get fucked on short notice if you are wearing pantyhose. Men understand this and detest them. Pantyhose say “I’m off limits”; not the message you want to send. Besides, it’s pretty difficult even to finger yourself or let a man finger you, in the damned things. End of sermon. Stockings, on the other hand, will make you feel far sexier and more feminine and they provide your husband easier access as well as a sexier sight. Once you get used to wearing them, you will probably have no trouble giving up pantyhose. Seamed stockings are the ultimate for attracting men. You will always get a lot of attention in clubs if you wear them and if you dare to wear them in public in the daytime, men will drool.

The only shoes you should ever wear in public are high heels. This will take some getting used to as well, but men love them. Three-four inches are fine for casual entertaining, but try for four-five inches for nights out. High heel, spaghetti strap, open toe sandals are the ultimate “fuck me” shoes.

Jewelry is a must! It should be flashy, designed to attract the attention you deserve. Earrings should be large, loopy or dangling. Necklaces should draw wandering eyes to your cleavage. Always wear your wedding ring. Men love to think the might be getting a shot at another man’s wife! Anklets and toe rings are a good sign that you are a willing hot wife looking to attract men. Bracelet’s and anklets show you are a happy member of your husband’s one-woman harem. A pierced navel below your tank top makes a sexy statement: “I’ll do anything to keep my husband fucking me.” Long highly polished nails in dark, daring colors help draw attention to you. And this goes for toes in those high-heel sandals.

13 ‘Fuck Me’ Signals

Being a hot wife is more than just looks, however; it’s also how you act.

1: In a situation where you are trying to catch a man’s eye; make sure to make plenty of eye contact with him and smile.

2: Show lots of leg. Cross and uncross your legs and bounce the top leg on the lower one, perhaps pointing the toe of your shoe. If you find that you are very attracted to him, eventually let the skirt ride high enough so that he can see that you are wearing stockings and garters. In clubs a woman wearing stockings and garters is taken as a sign that she is there to get fucked. And of course you are, by your husband that night, but no one else knows that.

3: Apply and reapply lipstick. Men want to see signs that you can’t wait to suck a cock and lipstick is a great way to send that signal.

4: Never miss the opportunity to drop something and bend over, from the waist, never bend your knees. (That’s what those expensive sessions in the gym are for.)

5: When dancing (probably the closest you can get to having sex in public), move your husband’s hands to your ass and press close to him during slow dances. If you can feel his cock, he can feel your tits. Don’t be shy about letting everyone see you come on his finger. With other guys, let them handle the merchandise knowing just exactly what they can’t have. Fast dances give you the opportunity to whirl and twirl and flash your pretty panties or your prettier cunt if you’re not wearing any.

6: If a man puts his hand up your dress; whisper in his ear and ask if him if he would like you to remove your panties.

7: If he compliments your dress; tell him you wore it hoping to meet a man like him.

8: Never miss an opportunity to tell him how sexy he is and how sexy and feminine he makes you feel.

9: However much you flirt with other guys, hang on your husband. Rub up against him. Squeeze his arm. Nibble his ear. Gaze into his eyes adoringly. Demonstrate to onlookers how eager you are for him to fuck you.

10: Do not hesitate to sneak off with your husband to do the dirty during a public event. Sex in public will probably not help his career, but for a man to be seen being dragged away by a hot wife who can’t endure another minute without his cock in her, is a real plus.

11: When you depart early from a social event, make sure everyone knows it’s because you are horny and need your husband to take you home and fuck your little brains out before you rape one of the guests.

12: If your husband travels, meet him at the airport dressed to kill: heels, see-through blouse, cunni-skirt, the works. When you see him, fling yourself into his arms and start a stand-up make out session that will shame other wives and drive other husbands mad with jealousy. Make sure the other passengers know what you and he are going to be doing as soon as you get home (if not in the taxi). Leave the men shaking their heads thinking, “What the Hell does he put in her water?”

13: Take your husband shopping for sexy clothes and underwear; modeling them is lots of fun. Husband love to say, “No” to wives who ask them, “Does this show off my titties too much?” “Do you think this skirt is too short?”

Hot & Pregnant

All of the above are fundamental to being a hot wife, but there is one thing that tops it all. Pregnancy! A hot wife wants to make babies for her husband. His genes deserve to have as many copies poured into the gene pool as possible and hey, as a hottie, yours do too. If knowing he has a hot wife at home is good for a guy’s ego (and earning potential) how much more is knowing he got his hot wife pregnant! By the same token, if other men are envious knowing your husband is fucking the shit out of his little hottie, they’ll become comatose when they find out you let him knock you up. And all those sexy things you wear: skirts, heels, stockings; and the sexy things you do: dancing, teasing, flashing; are twice as exciting when done by a woman with a bulging tummy.

There are ways to flaunt it in, however. Start wearing maternity clothes; outrageously sexy, revealing maternity clothes, as soon as the rabbit dies. There is nothing sexier than a pregnant woman and you are letting everybody see it. Hint to your friends that you had intended to wait longer before getting pregnant, but your sexy husband got you so wound up one night you had an “accident.” Alternatively, you might let them think this was your surprise gift to him. Always say “this baby” or refer to it by number, implying that this is just the most recent offspring of many; your husband may be planning to keep you in maternity clothes until you are 60. Hold, pat, and rub your belly at every opportunity. Show off in public with his hands proudly on his wife’s baby-filled tummy. Cultivate a dopey, fucked-out-of-it expression. Tell the wives of your husband’s friends how your libido has just gone through the roof. It will get back to their men who will want to shoot themselves in frustration. None will be able to look your husband in the eye.

Aged To Perfection

A final word on age. You are never too old to become a hot wife. It’s even more important, in fact, if you have taken a younger man as your husband. Although your dresses may not be quite as short now as when you were in Jr. High fucking the football squad, a hot woman of thirty five or forty or fifty is hotter than any twenty year old in full slutwear. And this goes in spades when you are pregnant. Imagine your gray-at-the-temples husband in the middle of a multimillion dollar negotiation when he says, “Can we roll this up pretty soon, TJ? My wife’s about to pop with our seventh kid and I need to get home to give her a good fuck!”

Wishing you every happiness as a hot wife,

Evangelina

By vargas 1 1 1 for Literotica

from How-To Sex Podcast 

 Do you seek to be comfortable in your body, or be just a piece of meat?

By Zahra Barnes & Dr Nikki Goldstein. Listen to the podcast at How To Sex.

Getting naked with a mixed social group might be a tantalizing item on your bucket list, but the options can be radically different, and lead to disappointment, even betrayal and abandonment. To the person who’s never seriously considered getting naked in a large mixed group, perhaps all the options seem the same. But where some groups, like swingers clubs; gather with the intent of openly sexual interactions; Naturist and nudist clubs specifically ban public sexuality. Even an innocent erection might be frowned upon and the guy might be asked to step apart from the women while he’s turgid.

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Some naturists clubs have an unspoken bias against any male arousal. They even tend to blame an erect man for proliferating a ‘rape culture’.

But at the swingers club, the turgid male; especially if heavily endowed; is almost revered. A man or woman whose physique is rather ‘unremarkable’ may end the event feeling disappointed and inferior. It’s perhaps that ‘meat-market’ culture which diverts many people to the non-sexual naturist clubs. A man with a considerably small cock, hidden in a thick pubic bush, has little to fear at a Naturist club.

You might see more women than men at a naturist club, but you’ll definitely see way more men at a swinger club. That’s what leads a modestly-endowed man to give up on the swingers club, unless he’s there with his devoted female life partner.

But let’s hear from a young woman who has created a naturist society for younger adults. Zahra Barnes shares her report on the club that Felicity Jones started.

Naturism Liberated Me

This Is What It's Like To Live Most of Your Life Naked

I firmly believe that if you want to experience euphoria sans drugs, all you have to do is take off your bra after a long workday. And post-shower, you can often find me wrestling my freshly-lotioned legs into a pair of jeans, muttering questions like, "Why can't I just live my life naked?" The thing is, I can. And some people do. Nudists and naturists participate in plenty of normal activities like swimming, camping, and karaoke without clothes. The degrees of nudity vary; some people are naked pretty much all the time, while others reserve it for social events every so often. But to hear them tell it, life is much better in the nude.

While you may have heard of nudists, chances are you're a little less familiar with naturists. Although the terms are often used interchangeably, some people believe certain nuances classify them as two different bodies. "We define nudism as being more about the actual nudity, while naturism has more of a philosophy behind it," Felicity Jones, 27, a resident of Long Island City, N.Y. and co-founder of Young Naturists America, YNA, tells SELF. "It’s about accepting people as they are, and also promoting the values of respecting other people and the environment." Of course, most naturists can't be naked all the time, because laws exist and being naked in jail doesn't sound particularly comfortable. But when they can, they do, and they enjoy the hell out of it.

Let's clear one thing up: Naturism's not about sex.

Sometimes it's easiest to define naturism by describing what it's not. "A lot of people imagine that it’s this amped up sexual environment, like people are having sex in the open or having orgies," says Felicity. "It’s not like that at all. There’s a time and place for everything," she says, while noting that YNA has "very rarely" had to kick people out of events because they're acting inappropriately.

Stateside nudism and naturism have their roots in the American Association for Nude Recreation, which was founded in 1931. With an spotlight on "wholesome nude family recreation," the organization's mission is "to advocate nudity and nude recreation in appropriate settings while educating and informing society of their value and enjoyment," according to their website. Similar institutions cropped up after, like The Naturist Society, which was founded in 1980.

If you're like, wait, record scratch, people are advocating me getting naked with my family? You're not alone. But as someone who grew up in a home where bodies weren't a thing to be hidden; we weren't naturists by any stretch of the imagination, but I wasn't taught to fear or shame nudity; I can see why this is worthwhile. So can Felicity, who grew up with a nudity-embracing family in New Jersey, and laughingly calls herself a "third-generation naturist." She co-founded YNA in 2010, and to date, they have around 400 members in the States and internationally. In addition to raising awareness about naturism, they put on events like the nude, public Bodypainting Day this coming July 9th, in New York and Amsterdam.

Misconceptions about the naturist lifestyle can have far-reaching implications. "When I post naked photos of myself online, I have to deal with sexual harassment, cock pics, and people assuming that because I’m naked I must be looking for sex," says Felicity. And while running YNA is her full-time job, her partner and co-founder works in sales. "His boss and coworkers all know [he's a naturist], but his boss wasn’t comfortable with him using his real name because people will Google before doing business with him," she says. Even though naturism's intentions are innocent, it can be hard for people to see it that way.

So, no, naturism isn't a cover for massive, wild orgies. Felicity and her co-founder started it in the hopes of filling a void in modern nudity-focused communities. "We didn’t want it to be just about getting naked, but creating a body-positive environment and combatting body shame," she says.

Lose the clothes, gain self-esteem?

Naturism fits beautifully into a society that's increasingly open to the idea that "perfection" doesn't exist. "Being a naturist forces you to accept who you see in the mirror," Serenity Hart, 26, a naturist and nude model in New York, tells SELF. Growing up as a black girl, she loathed the color of her skin and the texture of her hair. "I wished I could change who I was every day, until I found nude modeling," she says. "It challenged me to look past the things I couldn't change, but also learn how to embrace them. Nudity has changed my life." A big fan of naturism's confidence-boosting effects, Serenity wants to spread the message. Like basically everything else in the 21st century, she's using the Internet to do it.

Serenity offers Naked Skype Sessions for $30 an hour, or a package deal of $120 for five sessions. She stumbled upon the idea when she answered a friend's Skype call while in the nude. "At first she was uncomfortable and embarrassed for me even apologized and covered her eyes," says Serenity. Then, they got to talking about where this deeply ingrained negative reaction to nudity comes from. "I asked her to join me in being naked, and she did. So, Naked Skype was born," Serenity explains. "There is nothing more vulnerable than being completely present with a friend or stranger in the nude. No labels, no facade, no judgments, just openness and embracing your true self." She currently has 10 sessions per week with men and women around the world, usually talking about self-love and how to foster positive body image. "The sense of empowerment makes it all worth it for me," she says.

That emphasis on healthy self-image is a cornerstone of YNA's philosophy. That's largely because Felicity realized how beneficial nudity had been to her growing up when she and her family attended the Rock Lodge Nudist Club in northern New Jersey. "I saw the human body in so many different forms," she says. "I wasn’t so influenced by this culture that says if you don’t have a certain body type, you shouldn’t be taking off your clothes."

This is especially important for women. "A lot of the nudity taboo is about female breasts and genitals. People don’t see those parts on actual average bodies, so they can have a lot of anxiety," says Felicity. Growing up as a naturist, she was able to appreciate how broad the private-part spectrum is. "You see that they come in all shapes and sizes and can be as unique as a person’s face. That alleviates a lot of body shame and anxiety," she says. Given that American teenagers are more frequently asking for their labia to be trimmed, this message is more crucial than ever; especially because in general, women's labia are perfect just the way they are.

Another essential part of naturism is bonding with the environment. "For me, it's about being able to connect with nature in a way that is impossible while bound in material," Sheila, a 31 year old naturist in Northampton, tells SELF. "It's a chance to be wild and forget all the artificial day-to-day things that people fill their lives with." But one of her other favorite parts of naturism is that she can engage in recreational activities with people who hold the same feelings about how restrictive clothing can be. "My first time playing at  a pool table without a top was interesting," she says. "I never knew how boobs can get in the way when trying to play!"

Even before talking to these women, I considered myself extremely accepting of nudity. But after digging deeper and discovering the lifestyle's confidence-related benefits, I see that nudity can solve so much more than the fact that pants can feel like leg prisons. I have to admit that when Felicity invited me to participate in the upcoming Bodypainting Day event, the opportunity sparked some temptation. But in the end, I had to say no. Even though my self-esteem is quite solid, I'm not brave enough to show the world everything I've got. Although I'll be keeping the rest of my clothes on, my hat's off to anyone who is.

Now let’s hear from Dr. Nikki Goldstein, about the real culture of many swinger clubs.

The danger of turning your swinging fantasy into a reality

Many fantasize about swinging, but few can make it work. Nikki Goldstein has been in sex clubs and seen what really goes down.

 Standing on the side of the road at 1:30am with the rain pelting down, I was shielded from the wet weather but drenched from tears of the woman in my arms.

I was consoling her because her boyfriend had just walked off in a fit of anger after witnessing her erotically massaged by another man at a private sex club.

Ill-prepared couples often jump into this world of swinging, where there are many misconceptions and false fantasies and a high risk of someone ending up in tears. Sometimes hearts, sexual confidence, egos and relationships are broken.

It is still taboo to talk about sex and the subject of swinging or attending sex clubs is probably not one discussed at the office water cooler. It is a world protected by privacy and anonymity, something that is also responsible for those eager to check it out first hand.

However many party goers do not understand what really happens — it’s not all a scene from Fifty Shades of Grey.

If we were more open about sex, maybe we would make our decisions from a more informed place rather than a desire to explore unknown taboos for all the wrong reasons.

The problem is, how will you ever know what it feels like to watch your partner with someone else until you see it? The catch is that once you enter this environment, even if it’s just for a look, you might be faced with a reality you are not equipped to handle or ready to deal with. This is why preparation, communication and education are a must.

It’s a great fantasy, but would you really be OK watching your loved one with another person?

So, what actually happens in these clubs?

Most clubs in Australia are exclusive but still open to the general public and are either for couples or single females with some having all singles nights. They are hidden and off the beaten track and are BYO.

When you enter there is often a room with lockers where you can safely store your possessions and clothes and nearby there might be a hot tub or spa where you can meet some couples you want to “mingle” with.

There are also common areas where you can hang out and chat with others and areas such as dance, bondage and “play” rooms where the real action take place. Some have rooms full of mattresses and swings and others couches or beds. Some even look like hotel rooms with showers.

Many of these places from the outside would seem to be just normal apartments, town houses or factories and you might not even know if one was next door to you.

At best they can be great places to explore your sexuality, but it also takes a special type of couple to be able to survive it.

Inside, there can be a lack of seduction and people are often treated like a piece of meat with sexual play being done as easily as you would shake hands. You can see people going through the motions of sex like it’s mechanical. There are of course some scenes which can be sexy and entertaining but I am often disheartened on how sex no longer seems to be special at these clubs and is viewed as just another thing to do on a Saturday night.

I have also found at times a lack of respect for the people that have engaged in “play” together. When the fantasy bubble is bust and the tears come out, sometimes those involved back away very quickly.

I have been encouraged to explore these clubs and have been greeted by all personality types from the experienced swingers who love everyone and sex with everyone to the ego males using this as an excuse to bed more women and the poor partners going along out of fear their partner will cheat behind their back if they don’t agree.

The reality doesn’t often look like this.

There are the exhibitionists and those wanting to have their sexual desirability validated by the multitude of wondering hands and advances. There are also just the people that really want to play and engage in sexy fun.

But there is also a culture that surrounds these clubs that is one of severe alcohol and drug usage. In order to stay up all night having sex with strangers or people you have just met, some often feel their inhibitions need to be lowered chemically.

I personally find sex itself a high and my inhibitions are there as a common sense barrier to protect me, but unfortunately that is not the case for everyone. And with increased alcohol and drug usage comes the decrease chance of protection being used. Condoms, lubricant and wet whips line the walls but at the end of the day, no one can make you use them. (One day I will invent the condom police).

I might seem negative, but while there are many couples for whom this lifestyle has worked and is still working for them, I want to give a warning. These clubs are not for everyone and I only hope people can work that out before they enter the doors and play.

How To Do It Right

But if this is a strong sexual desire or something on your sexual bucket list, here is my checklist for what you need to know before to entering a world that can be exciting, sexual but also relationships suicide.

1. Ask yourself and your partner why you want to do this. Is it a sexual fantasy or relationships rescue? If it’s the first, then proceed, but if this is an attempt to patch things up in the bedroom, you could be putting yourself at a higher risk.

2. Communicate with your partner and discuss this situation A LOT. What would your boundaries be if you did this and what would it look like? You might just want to go for a watch or lightly play with someone else. Just being there doesn’t mean you have to have penetrative sex with other people. It’s also vital to discuss signs and signals for when you are not comfortable

3. Be creative with labels. If you want to explore this world it doesn’t mean you have to call yourself swingers or fit into a category of what you think this looks like. You create your own label (if you even want one) and your own rules.

4. Do your research. It’s good to look online and find out what clubs are in your area and how they work

5. Talk to other people. If you don’t know someone who is in this lifestyle jump on various chat rooms and ask what it is all about and maybe some tips for how other couples make rules and boundaries.

6. Use fantasy to test it out. When you are next having an intimate moment with your partner, talk as though you were in a club and what you might see around you. It’s good to gauge how you feel about the presence of others around you being sexual and wanting to be sexual with you. How would you feel?

7. Just go have a look first. Sometimes go and have a look one night to see how you feel. Make the rule that you will not participate that night no matter how much you want to and discuss what you saw and how you felt when you return home.

8. If at any time you feel uncomfortable leave.

By Zahra Barnes & Dr Nikki Goldstein.

This post is part of the How To Sex podcast. Subscribe in your favorite apps.