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Episode 229: My Adult Child Says I Trigger Them: What Should I Do?
What does it mean when your adult child says, “You’re triggering me”?
For many parents, hearing this word can feel confusing, painful, and disorienting. You may wonder what you said wrong, whether you caused a trauma response, or whether it is still possible to have an honest conversation without making things worse.
In this episode, Tina explains what the word “triggered” can mean, what may be happening in your adult child’s nervous system, and how to respond without becoming defensive, dismissive, or afraid to speak.
The word “triggered” originally came from trauma and PTSD research, where it described an involuntary nervous system response to something associated with past danger. Today, the word is also used more broadly to describe emotional distress, discomfort, overwhelm, or the desire to stop a difficult conversation.
This episode is also partly based on research from the Gottman Institute, particularly its work on emotional flooding during conflict. Emotional flooding happens when the body becomes so activated that heart rate rises, stress hormones increase, and the ability to think clearly, show empathy, and solve problems begins to decrease.
The Gottman Institute’s research was conducted primarily with couples, not parents and adult children. However, the underlying nervous system response to relational stress can still offer a helpful framework for understanding why difficult conversations sometimes become unproductive so quickly.
You do not have to decide in the moment whether your adult child is experiencing a trauma trigger, emotional flooding, or simply feeling overwhelmed. Your job is not to diagnose the reaction. Your job is to respond in a way that lowers the intensity and protects the possibility of repair.
Why You Should Listen
If your adult child says you trigger them, you may feel like you are walking on eggshells. You may become afraid to ask questions, bring up concerns, or continue difficult conversations.
This episode will help you understand what may be happening beneath the word “triggered” so you can respond with more steadiness and less defensiveness.
You will also learn why taking a break can help the nervous system settle, why pushing through an emotionally flooded conversation often backfires, and why returning to the discussion later is an essential part of rebuilding trust.
In This Episode, You Will Learn:
- What “triggered” means in trauma research, therapy language, and everyday conversations
- How the Gottman Institute’s research on emotional flooding helps explain what happens during intense conflict
- What to say when your adult child tells you that you are triggering them
- Why a real pause can restore clear thinking, empathy, and emotional regulation
- How returning to the conversation can support conflict repair and strengthen your relationship with your adult child
You do not need to argue about whether your adult child is using the word correctly. You also do not need to treat every use of the word as an emergency.
Instead, you can notice the emotional activation, regulate your own nervous system, take a meaningful pause, and make a plan to return to the conversation when both of you are steadier.
A pause is not the same as avoidance. The goal is not to abandon the topic. The goal is to create enough calm that the conversation has a better chance of becoming productive.
When you consistently show your adult child that difficult conversations can pause and then continue, you begin to create a new pattern. Over time, hard topics may feel less threatening because neither person has to fear that every disagreement will end in defensiveness, withdrawal, or a slammed door.
Listen now to better understand emotional triggers, nervous system regulation, emotional flooding, and how to respond when your adult child says you trigger them.
If this episode helps you make sense of a difficult moment, share it with another parent who may need to hear it.
Click Here to download the free guide: 5 Steps to Take Before Trying to Repair the Relationship With Your Adult Child
Tina Gosney is the Family Conflict Coach. She works with parents who have families in conflict to help them become the grounded, confident leaders their family needs.
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If you want support putting what you’re learning into practice, come join The Connection Community in Bridge to Connection. This is the perfect spot where you can learn, connect and get targeted help to start moving your relationship with your adult child in a different direction. Set up a Connection Clarity Call with Tina to see if this is a good fit for you: CLICK HERE TO SET UP A CALL
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Tina is certified in family relationships and a trauma informed coach.
Visit tinagosney.com for more information on coaching services.
