Explorez tous les épisodes du podcast Become A Calm Mama
| Titre | Date | Durée | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Parenting Teenagers: Staying Connected While Supporting Independence | 15 oct. 2026 | 00:35:23 | |
Your teenager pulling away from you is normal, and it’s a sign their brain is doing exactly what it’s supposed to do. In the teen years, your child’s job is to build an identity outside your family, and their brain is wired to care far more about social safety than physical safety or future success. Your job is to stay calm, be available but not needy, listen without fixing, and hold clear rules without lectures. The way you handle these years is what sets up a good relationship with your young adult later. You’ll Learn:
Parenting teens is so, so hard. But as a mom who is now on the other side, with young adult children I have a really good relationship with, I can tell you that a lot of what makes that relationship work now came from choices I made during the teen years. In today’s episode, I’ll help you understand what’s happening in your teen’s brain so you can give them the support they need and stay connected, even as you let go of control. Read the full show notes here. ------------------------------------ Related Episodes:
Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Toolkit! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Toolkit here Connect With Darlynn:
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| How To Simplify Life as a Mom: Easy Routines and Family Rhythms (Encore) | 08 oct. 2026 | 00:39:43 | |
The simplest way to calm down your day is to decide in advance when each everyday task happens, cut down the number of choices your family has to make, and give your kids your full attention at the hardest transitions: wake-up, drop-off, pickup, and bedtime. In my house, that looked like easy ready-made breakfasts, no screens on school mornings, a small drawer of favorite clothes, lunchboxes on the counter right after school, the dishwasher run every single night, one sport at a time, and the same 5 to 8 dinners on repeat. In this episode, I’m sharing some of my own tried-and-true routines and rhythms for simplifying your daily life. This is not a to-do list or the way it's "supposed" to be done. It's how I created our daily routines, why I made those choices, and how they helped me establish a peaceful and easy rhythm for our home.You’ll Learn:
Your days will look different than mine did, and you definitely don’t need to use every tip I share here. I do hope you’ll get some ideas for how to structure your days and simplify your life. Start with one or two favorites, and take it from there! Read the full show notes here. --------------------------------------- Related Episodes:
Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Toolkit! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Toolkit here Connect With Darlynn:
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| Peaceful Meals: How to Get Your Kids to Behave at the Dinner Table (Without Yelling) | 01 oct. 2026 | 00:41:50 | |
There are two simple concepts that solve almost every dinnertime struggle. The first is the Division of Responsibility in Feeding - giving the right responsibilities to the right people (hint: it’s not your job to make sure your kid cleans their plate). The second is using the Limit Setting Formula to set clear limits that turn mealtime chaos into a routine your kid can actually learn from. Dinner doesn’t have to be so dramatic. Today, I’ll help you create a dinner routine that gives less chaos and more peace, connection, joy, and ease. You’ll Learn:
Read the full show notes here. ------------------------------------ Related Episodes & Resources:
Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Toolkit! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Toolkit here Connect With Darlynn:
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| How to Get Kids to Do Chores Without Nagging (Age-by-Age Guide) | 24 sept. 2026 | 00:56:07 | |
The fastest way to get kids to actually do chores is to stop reminding and start using a limit: "You're welcome to [the next thing] as long as [the chore is done]." Pick one or two age-appropriate chores at a time, connect each one to something that already happens next in your child's day (e.g. a snack, screen time, homework, going outside) and follow through calmly and consistently. In this episode, I’ll show you how to get your kid to do chores and how to build a habit that they can internalize so that doing their chores becomes automatic. I’m sharing an age-by-age breakdown of what's reasonable to expect from your kid, five common mistakes that keep chores from sticking, and exactly how to use the Limit Setting Formula so you're not nagging, bribing, or quietly doing everything yourself. You’ll Learn:
Read the full show notes here. ---------------------------------- Related Episodes:
Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Toolkit! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Toolkit here Connect With Darlynn:
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| Homework Struggles Solved: Afternoon Routines and Limits That Motivate Kids | 17 sept. 2026 | 00:48:49 | |
Homework fights almost never come down to laziness or defiance. They come down to five specific causes - exhaustion, procrastination, perfectionism, low motivation, and disorganization - and each one has its own reason behind it and its own fix. The two tools that solve nearly all of them are the Connection Tool (for the in-the-moment big feeling) and the Limit Setting Formula for building a routine. In this episode, I’ll walk you through what’s actually going on with each behavior, and exactly what to say and do about it. You’ll Learn:
------------------------------- Related Episodes:
Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Toolkit! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Toolkit here Connect With Darlynn:
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| Screen Time Battles? Here's How to Set Effective Screen Time Limits for Kids and Devices | 10 sept. 2026 | 00:32:35 | |
Screen time battles usually come down to one thing: you don't have a plan, so you're making the same exhausting decision over and over, in the moment, while your kid is asking (again). The fix is to decide your rules in advance - which devices, what content, when, and for how long - based on what your kid actually needs rather than an arbitrary time limit. Then, use the Limit Setting Formula to communicate the plan: tell your kid what they can have, and the condition they need to meet to get it. Hold the limit, even through the meltdown that follows. Between the frustration that you're dealing with constant requests and decisions, confusion, and conflicting information, it’s no wonder you’re overwhelmed. There’s a lot of mental and emotional stuff going on - and it’s just one small piece of parenting. Today, I’m sharing best practices and how to create a tech plan for your own family. You’ll Learn:
--------------------------------- Related Episodes:
Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Toolkit! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Toolkit here Connect With Darlynn:
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| Bedtime Routine Falling Apart? Here's How to Set (and Hold) Bedtime Limits | 03 sept. 2026 | 00:43:39 | |
Bedtime routines usually fall apart for one of two reasons: There's no real structure, or there is a routine but it collapses the moment your kid pushes back. Commands and threats might get short-term compliance, but they don't actually teach anything. The fix is the Limit Setting Formula: tell your kid what they can have or do, and under what condition. Then hold it (even through the meltdown that follows). And when bedtime runs long because of a meltdown or stalling, follow up the next day with restitution or a natural consequence for the time and energy it cost you. If your family is struggling with bedtime, it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with you or your kid. It means that you're missing a parenting skill or need some more information. Some of parenting is intuitive, but there are also a lot of skills that you have to build along the way. You’ll Learn:
In this episode, I’ll show you how to build a bedtime routine that actually feels doable and how to use clear limits and consequences when bedtime goes sideways. Over time, your child will internalize this new routine, so you can stop repeating, reminding, and yelling every night. Read the full show notes here. ----------------------------------------- Related Episodes:
Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Toolkit! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Toolkit here Connect With Darlynn:
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| Stress-Free Mornings With Kids: The 3-Step Easy Morning Routine that Works | 27 août 2026 | 00:34:02 | |
The three most important things you can do when you want easier mornings with kids are to create a to-do list, be honest about how much time you need to get it all done, and build out a simple timeline for your family to follow each day. Today on the podcast, I’m talking about the part of the day that trips up almost every family - the morning. I’ll walk you through my morning routine roadmap, a simple 3-step system to help you build mornings that actually get your kids out the door on time without stress. You’ll Learn:
If you want less chaotic, more organized mornings, you’re in the right place! -------------------------------- Resources:
Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Toolkit! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Toolkit here Connect With Darlynn:
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| Back-to-School with Intention: Setting Family Goals for a New School Year | 20 août 2026 | 00:22:34 | |
Before you jump into back-to-school schedules, rules, and to-do lists, I want you to set your goals and intentions for this school year. Because focusing on your mindset is what actually determines how this year will feel and how it all will go. In this episode, you'll learn:
If you don't decide on purpose how you want this school year to feel, the year will just happen to you. Instead of steering the ship, you’ll be reacting. But taking this 20 minutes with me to get clear on what you actually want will pay off all year long. Read the full show notes here. ------------------------------------ Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Toolkit! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Toolkit here Connect With Darlynn:
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| Back To School: What the First Week Really Looks Like (and How to Survive It) | 13 août 2026 | 00:26:27 | |
The truth is, meltdowns, mood swings, sibling squabbles, and up-and-down social feelings are all completely normal during the first week of school. Back to school is a transition, and it isn’t always a smooth one. The week starts out pretty great. Your kid is excited, they have a good first day, and then within a few days they start falling apart over a granola bar or refusing to get in the car or suddenly saying they hate their teacher. And you're thinking, “Wait, what happened? Weren't we doing okay? What has changed?” Nothing has gone wrong. This is just what the first week of school looks like. You’ll Learn:
I'm walking you through what to expect, the top five challenges families face during back-to-school, and two tools that will help you get through the mornings and the meltdowns. Read the full show notes here. ---------------------------------------- Related Episodes:
Free Resource: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Toolkit! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Toolkit here Connect With Darlynn:
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| How to End Summer with Less Stress and More Joy | 06 août 2026 | 00:15:29 | |
The way to make the end of summer joyful instead of stressful is simple: stop trying to force your back-to-school routines into place early. Let go of the pressure to fix bedtimes, screens, and wake-ups this week, and spend these last days actually enjoying your kids instead. School itself will rebuild the routine for you within the first few days. You don't have to do it in advance. You'll Learn:
If your kids are heading back to school in the next week or two, there's a good chance you're counting backwards from the first day, feeling the instinct to get it all organized: earlier bedtimes, less screen time, earlier wake-ups, chores back on the list. In this episode, I make the case that even if you put in all that effort, it won't actually work - and it'll turn your last week of summer stressful instead of enjoyable. I'll walk you through what's actually worth doing before school starts, what to let go of, and why savoring this week matters more than prepping for it. Read the full show notes here. --------------------------------------- Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Toolkit! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Toolkit here Connect With Darlynn:
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| Connected Parenting Without Burnout: The Beta Mom Mindset | 30 juil. 2026 | 00:20:11 | |
Is connected parenting accidentally leading moms to burnout? I think a lot of us have been doing something exhausting in the name of good parenting, including myself. Today, I'm showing you the big shift that stops connection from turning into exhausting, all-day emotional labor. You’ll Learn:
The exhaustion that you’re feeling doesn’t mean that you’re not doing a good job. It might just be a sign that you’re doing more emotional labor that is actually required. Read the full show notes here. ----------------------------------------- Related Episodes:
Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Toolkit! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Toolkit here Connect With Darlynn:
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| The Good Enough Summer: Mom Guilt, Boredom & Doing Less | 23 juil. 2026 | 00:23:34 | |
Summer doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be good enough. If your kid is melting down, bored, complaining, or grumpy this summer, that doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. Today I'm talking about mom guilt - specifically the kind that shows up in the summer - and challenging the idea that you need to fix it all. I'll show you how to take the pressure off yourself and embrace the "good enough" summer. You’ll Learn:
Read the full show notes here. ------------------------------------------ Related Episodes:
Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Toolkit! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Toolkit here Connect With Darlynn:
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| Managing Mom Stress: Mindful Parenting Tools for Hard Seasons with Cyndi Horwitz | 16 juil. 2026 | 00:44:50 | |
In hard and stressful seasons, it can feel difficult to find the time to take care of yourself. But that's actually the best thing that you can do. Today, I’ve invited therapist and author Cyndi Horwitz on the podcast to talk about something I’m very passionate about: Healing and supporting women when they’re going through difficult times. We’re talking about how to get out of the trap of self-abandonment and take excellent care of yourself so that you can manage mom stress and show up even in hard seasons. You’ll Learn:
This conversation is an invitation to tap into the belief that you are okay in this moment. We’re always breathing. Tap into it. We’re always moving. Do it intentionally. We’re always having conversations in our heads. Invite yourself to a lovelier one. Click here to read the full show notes. ---------------------------------------------- Related Episodes:
Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Toolkit! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Toolkit here Connect with Cyndi:
Connect With Darlynn:
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| Overcoming Mom Guilt: Stay Calm & Stop Self-Blame with Mary Skinner | 09 juil. 2026 | 00:40:36 | |
Mom guilt is real. And it's stopping you from being the calm parent you want to be. In this episode, guest Mary Skinner helps you understand why you feel guilty, where it comes from, and how to stop blaming yourself. We’re also getting into our own journeys of learning how to drop guilt, set better boundaries, and become the leaders of our families. There are so many little nuggets of wisdom in this episode that I can’t wait for you to hear. You'll Learn:
Mary Skinner is a holistic birth and postpartum doula, founder of the Lotus Doula Tribe, mother of three children, yoga instructor, and all-around amazing mom and person. I hope you love our conversation! --------------------------------------- Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Toolkit! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Toolkit here Related Episodes:
Connect with Mary:
Connect With Darlynn:
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| When You Feel Bad About Yourself | Confident Parenting with Jessica Tomich Sorci | 02 juil. 2026 | 00:48:45 | |
When mom guilt takes over, it's hard to feel like the calm mama you want to be. In this episode, guest Jessica Tomich Sorci shares why moms feel bad about themselves, along with mindful parenting tools to break the cycle. Learn how self-compassion isn't selfish; it's the foundation for confident parenting and real emotional connection with your kids. You’ll Learn:
Jessica Tomich Sorci is a licensed marriage and family therapist, as well as a specialist in Internal Family Systems (IFS). Her focus is on maternal mental health. She’s here today talking about her new book, When Good Moms Feel Bad: An Empowering Guide to Transforming Guilt, Anxiety and Anger Into Compassion, Confidence and Connectedness, which she wrote along with Rebecca Gushuri. ---------------------------------------- Resources/Previous Episodes:
Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Toolkit! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Toolkit here Connect With Darlynn:
Connect with Jessica Tomich Sorci:
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| When Kids Lie | Parenting Tools to Stay Calm & Connected | 25 juin 2026 | 00:30:39 | |
Today I'm getting into a topic that I hear about constantly from parents - lying. Is lying normal? What does it mean? And most importantly, what do we actually do about it? There are a bunch of reasons that kids lie. When you understand why it's happening, it becomes much easier for you to respond in a calm way - without getting really angry, blowing up, shutting them down, or criticizing. You'll Learn:
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Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Toolkit! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Toolkit here Connect With Darlynn:
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| Teaching Kids How To Make Good Choices | Confident Parenting Tools | 18 juin 2026 | 00:30:29 | |
I think we can all relate to wanting our kids to be more responsible, have more self control, and make good decisions. Today, I'm talking about teaching kids how to make good choices (and it’s not as complicated as you might think). You’ll Learn:
The powerful difference in these conversations is that you're not just telling your kid what to do. You're walking beside them, helping them figure it out. Read more in the full blog post. ---------------------------------------- Related Episodes:
Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn:
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| Play as a Parenting Tool with Dr. Kim Van Dusen | 11 juin 2026 | 00:48:48 | |
Today, I've invited The Parentologist, Dr. Kim Van Dusen, to teach us about how to make parenting easier using play. Dr. Kim Van Dusen is a licensed marriage and family therapist, registered play therapist, and parenting expert specializing in early childhood through adolescence. With more than two decades of experience as a clinician, educator, and public speaker, she works with families to support emotional regulation, positive behavior, and stronger parent–child relationships. In her book, Parenting Through Play: Creative Strategies for Building Better Behavior, Deeper Connection, and Positive Communication, Dr. Kim walks parents through 3 evidence-based modalities: play therapy, solution-focused therapy, and positive behavior interventions and supports (PBIS). We're talking about ways you can bring more play into your life and how to and turn charged moments into connection. Read the full show notes at www.calmmamacoaching.com/blog You'll Learn:
Connect with Dr. Kim:
Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn:
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| Creating Good Summer Vibes | A Calm Parenting Guide | 04 juin 2026 | 00:37:14 | |
Summer planning doesn't have to mean overwhelm. Learn how to stay calm with kids while building a summer that feels good (not just looks good on your calendar). In this episode, we go beyond schedules and camps to explore the mindset shifts, emotional regulation strategies, and practical tools that help you actually enjoy summer while handling the chaos that comes up. Because the way you think about summer matters just as much as what you plan. You’ll Learn:
The goal is that when you send your kids off to school in the fall, you can look back on this summer and think, "That was fun." Let’s make it happen! --------------------------------------- Whether you already have the entire summer planned out or you're winging it and hoping for the best, these tips will help you to feel comfortable and confident heading into the summer break. I like to think of summer preparation in 3 different parts: Your summer mindset Your summer plan Your summer confidence When you put these 3 pieces together, you end up with a summer that feels good for you, with a healthy combination of routine and freedom. Your Summer MindsetWhen I talk about mindset, the basic idea is that your feelings come from thoughts that you have. So by choosing the thoughts you want to focus on, you can feel the way you want. The way you think about summer and lots of open-ended time with your kids determines how you feel. If you go into the summer thinking, "This is going to be hard," or, "I don't like spending this much time with my kids," it is going to feel a lot harder. Summer is a long haul. It means a LOT of time with your kids, especially if you don't have childcare. Your kid is going to misbehave and have big feelings and complain and be too hot and overtired. You are going to feel tired. There are going to be hard days. Lots of parents get to the end feeling burned out, overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, and resentful. But you can also get to the end of summer feeling joyful, present, and with some really great memories. The first thing I want you to do is think about how you want to remember this summer. How do you want to feel about it? What thoughts do you want to have about it? How do you want to feel about yourself and your kids? What do you want the tone of your summer to be? Some examples of things you might want to chase are:
Once you're clear on what feelings you want to chase, you can set an intention to guide you. Let's say that you decide you're all about chasing fun this summer. Write down a few thoughts that you want to have about your summer, your kids, and yourself. These thoughts might feel like a bit of a stretch. It's a bit of a mix between making them believable and "fake it til you make it". Here are a few more examples to get you started:
Another one of my favorite thoughts for summer is, "We don't have to". Parents often think they have to have extravagant, over the top events for their children in order for them to be happy or enjoy the summer. And that's just not true. You can make good memories in the simplest of moments. Playing a game, lounging around, eating popsicles, going to the park, looking at the clouds. Just being present in those kinds of moments is enough. Memories are created in the feelings, not the things. What your kid really wants from you is your presence. They want you to be with them, look them in the eye, and move at their pace. Summer PlanA common mistake parents make in the summer is letting things be too much of a free-for-all. I believe that kids do need a break from the demands and strict schedule of school, tutoring, sports, appointments, etc. And I want you to have a balanced structure to your day. Having more flow and flexibility during the summer is helpful for kids' nervous systems because their nervous system is naturally slower than ours. But I also like to think of limits and routines as the metronome beat underneath your family. It's a consistent rhythm. So how do you know when to let things flow and when to bring in some structure? The areas I'll talk you through today are screens, sweets, sleep, and chores. Screen time. Ask yourself, "How do I want screens to go this summer?" Think about your screen routine during the school year. Will you keep it the same? Will you make changes? I know you probably want me to tell you want to do here, but I'm not going to. It really depends on what you have going on, how busy your family is, how overwhelmed you are as a mom, etc. I do think it is generally a good idea to avoid screens first thing in the morning. Give them a chance to get up, have breakfast, and get their bodies moving. You can set whatever limits you want here. For example, "You can watch TV for an hour as long as you have gotten dressed, had breakfast, and brushed your teeth." If your kids are going to camp, I'd avoid screens altogether in the morning. It's not worth the meltdown when you're trying to get them to turn it off and get out the door. Sweets. How much, how often, and when will your kids get sweet treats? Will you allow one sweet treat per day? Only when you are out? Only on weekends? Sleep. With the sun going down later, it's fine to make bedtime 30-40 minutes later. But once you decide on the new bedtime, be as consistent as you can. Of course there are nights when you're having a barbecue or you're watching 4th of July fireworks, and your kid ends up staying up late. It's not that big of a deal. The next day might be a little rough, but you can handle it. What gets really hard for kids is when they're up late multiple nights in a row. Their bodies get used to a rhythm, and it's important to stick to that as much as you can. Chores. The easiest way to get kids to do what you want them to do is to connect chores with another event. For example, "We'll leave for the beach once the trash cans are brought in," or, "We'll go to the pool today as long as everyone puts their laundry away by 11 a.m." Here's the thing with limits. You can decide in the moment or change your rules every day if you want, but it will be confusing for your kids and you'll likely have more big feelings because they don't know what to expect. If you do set limits and create a structure around these things, be prepared to follow through on them consistently. As you figure out your summer limits and structure, think about your ideal day. When you know how you want things to go, it's easier to decide what you want those rhythms and limits to be. Summer ConfidenceBefore we get into this one, I want you to know that a few things are inevitable during the summer:
Repeat after me. "I am not my child's camp counselor." It is not your job to make your kids happy or to make them have fun. Boredom is uncomfortable for them, but it's their job to figure it out. Play is their work. In order to avoid burnout as much as possible (and get through it when it hits), you'll need to be proactive about managing your energy. Move your body daily. Connect with other adults. Do something that delights you. Allow your thoughts and feelings, and work on your mindset. Rest when you're tired. Even with screen time limits, you have permission at any time to put on a movie for your kids and take a break. Wishing you a calm (and FUN!) summer, Mama! Additional Resources
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| Stop Negative Self-Talk: Help Your Kid Build Inner Confidence | 28 mai 2026 | 00:29:11 | |
When kids spiral into "I'm stupid" or "No one likes me," it's usually a sign they're dysregulated, not that something's actually wrong with them. In this episode, I'll walk you through the exact coaching approach to help your child build emotional regulation and inner confidence, plus how to interrupt your own negative self-talk patterns in the process. You’ll Learn:
It’s a big lesson: We can’t necessarily change our circumstances, but we do get to change how we respond to them. ---------------------------------------- We’ve all done it, and you’ve probably heard your kid talk negatively about themself, too. Things like:
As they get a little older, you might even see these negative statements come up around their appearance: I'm fat, I'm ugly, I don't like my freckles, I don't like my red hair, I don't like my dark skin, etc. Especially between the ages of 0-11, kids are building a set of beliefs about themselves. And as a parent, you want to guide them toward positive core beliefs. That’s what you’ll learn how to do today. When Your Kid Expresses Negative ThoughtsIt can be really hard as a parent to hear your child say these things about themself. At first, you might freak out a little bit and worry that your kid has anxiety, or they’re going to grow up to be depressed and have bad self-esteem. But here’s the upside - saying these thoughts out loud, narrating them, is much healthier than keeping them secret and holding them all inside their head. When you know what they’re thinking and struggling with, you can help them through it. Here are a couple of other things to keep in mind. This is one specific moment in time. I often talk about parenting the kid in front of you. This is a great example of that. These thoughts and feelings are not who your child is. This is a moment in time. And it’s an opportunity for you to talk to them, coach them, and help them with their big feelings and their negative thoughts. These statements are often general and/or exaggerated. When you hear things like, “I always,” or “I never”, it’s a sign that they are generalizing. This is a sort of extreme language. You can still validate that your child is feeling that way right now, while also holding the perspective that they won’t feel this way forever. Be careful about dismissing or minimizing. Often, when parents hear their child say something negative about themself, they laugh it off or say, “that’s not true”, or “don’t think like that”. It’s a bit of a tricky balance. You don’t have to get into a full coaching conversation every time your kid says something negative, but you also don’t want to consistently dismiss your child’s negative self-talk. You’re looking for some middle-of-the-road parenting here, where you’re not freaking out, but you’re still staying attuned to where your child is. If you’re not sure whether something needs to be addressed, look for patterns. If there is a certain statement or insecurity that keeps coming up, that’s when you want to dig a little deeper and do some coaching. Coaching Kids Through Negative Self-TalkWhen I use the term “coaching”, I simply mean that you’re offering your kid a different way to think. You’re teaching them how to think better thoughts. The first step (as usual) is to be sure that you and your child are both regulated and calm before you have a conversation about a thought. It is impossible to learn something new when you are in a Big Feeling Cycle. If your kid is mid-meltdown, they won’t be able to connect the dots or think logically. Connection always comes before coaching. When your kid expresses negative thoughts about themself to you, they are looking to you for reassurance. This is one of those times when you being calm is super important. Your worry doesn’t help your kid. They’re going to borrow your state of mind, no matter what. So let’s make it a positive one that helps build their confidence and trust in themself. In these moments, your child needs to borrow your confidence in them. They need to borrow your belief that they are going to learn to love themselves and they're going to grow into a strong adult who can handle lots and lots of things. The goal with a coaching conversation is to fill a skill gap. You’re trying to move them from one set of behaviors or thoughts to another. Toward more self-love, accountability, and maturity. I think of coaching conversations as having 3 parts:
Let’s walk through each step in a little more detail. ReflectThere is no “right” time to start a coaching conversation. Maybe the thing you’re talking about happened a few minutes ago. Maybe it was yesterday or last week. The more important factor is that you wait until everyone is calm. Give yourself space to think about it a bit. Some kids will want to talk about their thoughts and feelings with you. Some kids won’t. What’s important is that you give them the opportunity to reflect. And then you validate and normalize what’s going on for them. Here are some steps to guide you.
This last step is a big one, because kids have no idea that they actually have power over how they think and feel. What we're trying to do over the course of their childhood is to teach them that they have the power to change how they think about things. That they get to decide to think positively and feel better. It’s a big lesson: We can’t necessarily change our circumstances, but we do get to change how we respond to them. Here’s an example of starting a coaching conversation and going through reflection: Earlier, I heard you say, “I’m stupid.” Do you remember saying that? What happened that made you say that? It's normal for people to have thoughts like that, especially when you're feeling overwhelmed or you're feeling sad or you're feeling a little disappointed. It makes sense that you would think that because you made a mistake. But guess what? When you think that way, does it make you feel happy or does it make you feel sad? Does that thought help you feel good about yourself? Or does that thought help you feel bad about yourself? How do you want to feel? Okay, well you can keep your sad thoughts, but what about if you tried to think of a different thought? TeachHere, you’ll continue teaching that your child has power over their own thoughts (and remember: you can’t force them to think positive thoughts). To do this, you’ll teach them the 3 C's of thoughts. You catch your thought >> check your thought >> change your thoughts
The new thought you choose doesn’t have to be the exact opposite of the one you are replacing. The positive thought has to be something that your brain will believe. Something that is useful and also true. Going from “I’m stupid” to “I’m smart” might be too big of a jump. You can use what I call a bridge thought as an in-between to get to a more positive way of thinking. For example: Did you know that thoughts and feelings are like clouds? They come and they go. Negative thoughts are like rainy days. Positive thoughts are like sunny days. Sometimes it's raining, sometimes it's sunny. But sometimes a negative thought can get stuck in your head. And instead of just being a temporary cloudy day, it might become part of your everyday weather. Like a rainy day every day in your mind. I don't think you want to have a rainy day in your mind every day, right? Do you want to have a sunny day or a rainy day? Did you know that you get to choose if you want to have a lot of sunshine in your mind or a lot of rain? You get to pick thoughts that make you feel happy and more calm. I'm going to teach you a little thing called the 3 C's of thoughts. You catch your thought; You check your thought; You change your thought. PracticeTry... | |||
| Preventing Meltdowns | Teaching Kids Self Control Long-Term | 21 mai 2026 | 00:30:16 | |
Stop reacting to meltdowns and start preventing them. Learn the one skill kids often lack - and how coaching conversations teach emotional regulation, connection, and self control. In this episode, discover the 3-step coaching framework that transforms big feelings into teachable moments and breaks the meltdown cycle long-term. You’ll Learn:
Listen as I walk you through how to use coaching conversations in parenting to teach your child how to align their behavior with your family's values and manage the way they think, feel, and act. ---------------------------------- Kids aren't born knowing about time, money, manners, or managing their emotions. Over the course of parenting and raising them, you're teaching them how the world works, how feelings work, how their bodies work, how time works, how money works. This is parenting. And our goal is to do it in a thoughtful, respectful way. What is a Coaching Conversation?Basically, a coaching conversation is a teaching conversation that coaches your kids toward new skills, new values, and new concepts for understanding how things work in the world. One way to think of it is that a coaching conversation replaces a lecture. It's more collaborative. You're not talking at them, you're talking with them. To be clear, you are still the leader of your family. You still get to set the boundaries and expectations. We're not outsourcing that leadership to the child. In a traditional parenting model, the parent might respond to misbehavior by saying, "Hey, listen kid, that doesn't work. You've got to cut it out or else there's gonna be a consequence." Or they might moralize or lecture, going on and on about all the reasons that that behavior is bad and what it means. I'm sure you've responded this way yourself at times. The truth is that this is how many of us were raised. This is the only model we've had to follow. Today, I want to show you a different way. Preventing Meltdowns in the Long TermIf your child is having a lot of meltdowns, it is likely that they are lacking the SKILL of self-regulation, the skill of coping with negative emotion. How much better does it feel to know that the problem isn't that something is wrong with your kid - they're simply lacking a skill that you can help them learn and practice? In order to create long-term emotional health, we need to teach our kids the coping strategies that they need to regulate their nervous system and calm themselves down. That's where coaching conversations come in. How To Have a Coaching ConversationThere are 3 parts to any coaching or teaching conversation:
Before we dive in, remember that in order for these conversations to work, you must be as calm and neutral as possible. If you need to take a CALM break or wait until another time for the conversation, do that. Step 1: Reflect on the behavior. Use the Connection Tool to validate your child's emotions while also talking about the impact of their behavior. Help them to understand that the way they are processing their feelings is causing problems for others. As you make guesses about how your child might be feeling, phrase it as a question. This makes it more of a conversation. You can also explain to them different ways that big feelings show up for people. Some people want to run away and hide. Some people want to fight. Which way do they feel? I love using the image of feelings as a big wave that gets bigger and bigger until it crashes. Or like a race car with no brakes. This can put it into terms that your child can visualize and understand. Step 2: Teach a new skill. This is where you set the boundary and talk about what is okay and what you expect. And show them a better way to cope. Let your child know that big feelings are normal, but how they are handling those big feelings isn't safe. So you have to come up with new ways for them to manage their big feelings. You want to really slow down the conversation in this stage. Ask lots of questions and try to get a little buy-in. Then, teach them a new skill. The skill I want you to teach your kids in order to prevent meltdowns is (can you guess?) the CALM Break. Yep, the same tool that you use to regulate yourself. As a reminder, the CALM Break is: Catch yourself. Ask for help. Label your feelings. Move your body. Step 3: Practice the new skill. Practice the CALM Break together. Ask your child to imagine a scenario where they have a big feeling in their body. You can even use an example of something that actually happened. Then, go through the steps of a CALM Break together. These conversations proactively teach your kid how to regulate their nervous system. Here's an example of what a coaching conversation looks like in real life.Let's say that your child is having big feelings and hits their sibling... Reflect Hey, sometimes when you're upset and you don't talk about it, your feelings will build inside of you like a huge wave that washes over you. And it might make you say or do things that you don't want to do, like hit your brother. Think about the ocean or think about a big wave and it's just going to build, build, build, build, build, build, build, and then crash. Have you ever felt that way before where you have a big feeling in your body, and all of a sudden you're hitting? This happens, especially when you're young. You're not sure how to handle those big feelings. That's okay. Teach In this family, it's my job to keep everyone safe. So when someone fights their feelings by hitting, the other people in our house don't feel safe. I understand that your body is out of control when you're upset. But from now on, I'm going to make sure everyone and everything is safe in our house. When it comes to big feelings, it's your job to figure out how to deal with your feelings without hurting others. Do you think it's good for Mommy to keep everyone safe? Do you feel sometimes it's not safe when you hit your brother or sister or Mommy yells at you? It's kinda hard when someone keeps hitting other people in the family, right? That doesn't feel good, does it? The next time you feel mad and want to hit, I want you to take a CALM Break. Here's how we do it... (Walk them through the steps of the CALM Break) Practice Let's practice taking a CALM Break together. Let's think about the time that I gave your brother his ice cream first, and you felt jealous and mad, and you wanted to hit him. What do we do first? What does the letter C stand for? Right, catch yourself. Notice that you are having big feelings or showing your feelings through your body. Then, what's A? Ask for help. All you have to say is, "Mommy, I need help." Next, L - label your feeling. Say "I'm mad." Some other feelings you might notice are sad, disappointed, or overwhelmed. Last, for M, we're going to figure out what to DO with your mad feelings. What are some ideas? If you want to hit, maybe you can hit a pillow, or push against the wall, or clap your hands really loud. (As you practice, actually do the movements together.) A Few Things to RememberThe first time you have this conversation, you're introducing the concept of feelings drive behavior. You're introducing the concept that when we have big feelings, we can't just do whatever we want to do, especially if it hurts others. Instead, we have to find new ways to cope with our big feelings. Your kid won't catch every part of this the first time around. You'll need to have this conversation multiple times. This is not foolproof. We're all human, and our feelings will sometimes get the best of us. The way you teach true emotional health and regulation is over time. They'll need to learn and practice it over and over again. Teach the process in advance, when they're calm, so that you can then call on it when big feelings come up, saying, "Oh, remember - CALM Break." "Remember that you can ask for help." "Oh, remember to tell me what you're feeling." "Remember, you're supposed to be moving your body." If your kid is resistant to this conversation, it can mean 1 of 2 things: One is that they don't feel seen or validated enough. In this case, go back to the Connection Tool. Talk about why they're behaving the way they're behaving, what their feelings are and how feelings come out, and that feelings are okay and feelings make sense. The other reason is that they might be stuck in fear that you'll be mad at them. Or maybe they are embarrassed and uncomfortable. You can gauge how much to push in those moments. If you want to, you can revisit the conversation at a different time. If the resistance continues, say, "I know you don't want to have this conversation, but we | |||
| Help Your Kid Calm Down | Emotional Regulation Strategies | 14 mai 2026 | 00:31:52 | |
Teaching emotional regulation means giving kids better strategies than hitting, yelling, or shutting down. In this episode, discover why movement is the most powerful tool to help kids (and you) process big feelings, how to keep everyone safe when emotions escalate, and the 3 categories of movement that rewire your child's nervous system. Perfect for the car or your morning walk. You’ll Learn:
Listen as I talk about how to help your kid calm down in a really practical way. --------------------------------------------------- 3 Ways to Calm DownWhen the brain gets overwhelmed or feels threatened, it gets flooded with chemicals like cortisol and adrenaline. The best way to calm the nervous system is almost always to let the emotional energy out through the body, through movement. I like to think of movement in 3 categories: #1: Push it out. Push the big feelings out. I think of these as big, heavy movements. #2: Pull it in. Pull in a sense of comfort and soothing. These are quieter. #3: Move it around. Swirl the emotion around inside your body to shake it up and get it unstuck. When you notice that your kid is dysregulated (e.g. they’re seeming a little “off”, having big feelings, or are in full meltdown mode), ask yourself… “What do they need? Do they need to push it out, pull it in, or move it around?” Use your child’s behavior as a clue to what they need. For example, if they’re hitting, kicking, spitting, punching, running away, yelling, they likely need to push it out. If you try something and it doesn’t work, no problem. Try another type of movement. You’ll start to see patterns of what works best for you and your child. Why It Works: Co-RegulationThis thing that I'm teaching you is called co-regulation. Basically, your child is dysregulated. They are not able to catch their nervous system and bring it back online. So they need support from you in order to get back to baseline. If you can be a calm and regulated adult in that situation, then your child can “borrow” your calm nervous system. With your support, they will likely be able to move through a Big Feeling Cycle (aka meltdown or tantrum) faster. And once you have practiced these strategies together, you can help them to regulate before the train has fully left the station. One thing I want you to understand: Co-regulation is not easy. There will be times when you aren’t able to co-regulate. You might find yourself getting dysregulated while this Big Feeling Cycle is going on. It might feel very hard for you to stay present in front of your child. That’s okay. If you feel like you need to escape, that's fine. Just explain. If you leave the room abruptly or in anger, it can feel like a kind of abandonment. So, say some soothing comments to them before you leave, like, “I'm gonna go calm my body. I'm gonna let you calm your body. I love you, and I will be back.” If you’re judging yourself or thinking “I can’t handle this kid,” try telling yourself this instead: “In this moment, my child is dysregulated. I don't have the capacity to co-regulate. I'm going to trust that my kid's nervous system is able to manage itself.” Because here’s the truth. Yes, we want to teach our kids healthy strategies to regulate and self-soothe. AND the nervous system is naturally drawn to finding a way back to balance. It may not always look pretty, but you can trust your child to get to a place of calm. You can trust that their body and their brain are going to get them to the other side of that dysregulation and get back to a regulated state. How To Help Your Kid Calm DownWhen your kid is in a Big Feeling Cycle, the first thing you want to do is look out for everyone’s physical safety. You’re not going to let your child regulate in ways that hurt themself or others. The value here is, “In this house, everyone stays safe.” For example, if your kid is hitting you, you can say. “In this house, everyone stays safe. You can be upset, you can have big feelings, but I will not let you hit me. I am going to get up and move away from you. I have to protect my body.” Then, calmly take a few steps back. It’s okay to set some limits here. Like, “You can’t hit me, but you can hit this pillow.” Or, “I see that you need to move your body, so what are you going to do?” Now, here are some more specific ways to use the 3 types of movement to help your kid regulate and get back to calm. Push it outSome signs that your kid needs to push the feeling out include hitting, stomping, throwing things, or doing other big body movements. I picture it like a mini-Hulk. They have all this energy in their body and they want to get it out. Start by observing. What are they doing? Are they mainly using their upper body or lower body? This can help you direct them to a better alternative. Here are some of my favorite movements to try: Carry something heavy. Give your kid the task of moving something heavy from one side of the room or house to the other. A grounding stomp. Stand up and stomp your feet on the ground. I think of this like a dinosaur or an elephant would stomp - BIG! Adding rhythm to it is even better. Ask your child to copy the rhythm or that you do. Push out through their hands. Hold up your hands and ask your kid to push against them with their hands as hard as they can. If they’re too strong, or you have an injury, or you aren’t able to do this for any reason, they can also push against a wall. Bear crawl or crab walk on the ground. Choose a movement that is a bit challenging for them. If your child is hitting… instead, have them try hitting a pillow or clapping their hands really loudly. If they want to kick, let them kick a ball against a wall if you have the space. Give a choice. If your child is hurting other people, you may need to get them out of the room to keep everyone safe. One thing I used to say to my son is, “You can’t be in here because it’s not safe. I could drag you like a caveman, or you can walk and stomp on your own.” You're moving the child, but they're gonna have some say in how they move. Add a little play to it if you can. Ask them to pretend that they’re a dinosaur, caveman, pirate, snake, bear, whatever. Give ideas of how they can move their bodies in a big, aggressive (and safe) way. Pull it inPulling it in is about feeling cozy. These are going to be quiet, soothing movements. Squeeze and release. Have your child squeeze their hands into really tight fists. Then release. Let go. Get floppy like a noodle. Talk them through squeezing and releasing their arms, their shoulders, their face, their belly, their legs, their feet, their whole body. Butterfly hug. Have your kid cross their arms over their chest in a hug and give themself a squeeze. Then, with their hands still on their shoulders, have them gently tap their shoulder left, right, left, right. Other soothing movements include wrapping in a blanket, coloring, hugging or talking to a stuffed animal, drinking water, squeezing a stress ball, or petting a dog or cat. What about if your kid is dysregulated in public? You can’t always find a quiet, cozy space. One thing to try is pulling them into you, giving them a hug, and saying something like, “You’re having big feelings in your body. Let’s figure out what to do with those feelings.” Move it aroundThese movements are more gentle than pushing it out. You're just moving them around a little bit, allowing a little bit of energy shift inside the body. Shimmy shake. Have your kid put their hands in the air and then shake their whole body from their hands all the way through their chest, hips, knees, legs… all the way to the ground, and then shake it back up. You can pretend that you're shaking off the negative feelings like you're shaking off water from your hands. Some other great ways to move it around are:
Remember that these movements come after you’ve already used the Connection Tool to notice, narrate, name, and validate. This is the regulate piece. This is the answer to, “Okay, I validated their feelings. Now what?” Kids misbehave. They get dysregulated easily. They get overwhelmed and their nervous system misfires, especially if they're neurodivergent in any way. Through the Connection Tool and co-regulation, you are teaching them the skills to self-soothe and regulate. You’re showing them healthy ways to cope with hard circumstances and uncomfortable feelings. And you (and the rest of your family) can learn to self-regulate right alongside them. Previous Episodes:
Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling... | |||
| When Your Kid Acts Out | Stay Calm With This First Step | 07 mai 2026 | 00:31:12 | |
When your child hits, yells, or acts out, your first response matters more than anything else. In this episode, discover the crucial pause-point most parents miss and the exact emotional regulation and child behavior management steps to take before you react. We're breaking down the confessional truth about those triggered moments and giving you practical words to say that actually teach your kid to manage their own feelings. Perfect for moms who end the day feeling guilty about yelling. In This Episode:
Listen to learn exactly what to do the next time your child is acting out, so you can create more calm, safety, and connection in your home. -------------------------------------------- Why Your Kid Acts Out (And Why Correction Isn’t Step One)Let’s start with something important: All behavior is communication. When your child is yelling, hitting, grabbing, or melting down, it’s not just about disobedience. It’s their way of coping with big feelings or an unmet need that they don’t yet have the skills to communicate in a better way. When we immediately go to correction - "Stop it right now!” or “Don’t do that!” - we’re skipping over the real problem: the emotion or need underneath the behavior. If we move too quickly to discipline or redirection, kids don’t learn how to name and manage what’s happening inside. And honestly, they often have no idea what to do instead. This is why just correcting doesn’t work, and why the chaos often repeats itself tomorrow, or even five minutes later. So, what’s the first thing you should do when your child acts out? You connect before you correct. The Connection Tool is the heart of the Connected Parenting Process, and it’s a practical, step-by-step way to help kids learn emotional regulation, from the inside out. The Connection ToolOne of my all-time favorite tools to teach parents is the Connection Tool. In it, you:
Basically, you’re helping to connect the dots between what's going on on the outside and what's going on on the inside. Validation (letting your kid know that the way they’re feeling makes sense) is crucial, because when kids feel seen and safe, their nervous system begins to calm. Emotional connection always comes before learning or problem solving. Once you’ve connected with their inner experience, you can move into regulating and problem-solving. Your child needs new ways to cope and to communicate their feelings, thoughts, and needs in ways that work. You can validate their emotion and set a limit at the same time. Ultimately, you give them the responsibility to figure out better ways to cope with that feeling in the circumstance that they're in. Here are a few examples:
Regulating emotion is a tricky thing. It's hard for all of us. Discharging emotion is almost always done through the body. We let the feelings that are stuck inside of us release through our hands, our voice, etc. The goal is to discharge that emotion in a way that doesn’t hurt or cause problems for other people. You can suggest and show your child other ways to release or change their energy. And their behavior can serve as a clue to what they need. If they want to scream really loud, is there a way that they can regulate by screaming in a way that works for everybody? If they want to hit or be physical, is there a way that they can be physical that doesn't bother anybody? Try these movements:
Shifting from Correction to Compassionate Witness I know this approach can feel counterintuitive. Most of us grew up hearing, “Stop that!” or “If you don’t calm down, you’re in trouble.” It takes practice to pause, connect, and wonder about what your child is feeling or needing, instead of jumping right to judgment or solutions. And you might need to wait a little while for your child to regulate. If they’re in the middle of a Big Feeling Cycle, talking to them and trying to coach them can actually be really triggering. Stay present in that compassionate or neutral space while recognizing this is a kid who's having a hard time. When my son was 4 years old, he would rage around the house everyday around 4pm. These intense meltdowns would last about 45 minutes - every day! I decided to shift into the role of witness. that I would be there to make sure he (and everyone else) was safe, but I didn’t come at him with any big energy. Almost immediately, his Big Feeling Cycles were shorter and less frequent. Within a week or two, they were almost completely eliminated. Shifting your lens from “behavior judge” to “compassionate witness” is one of the most powerful changes you can make in your parenting. It means holding the thought, “My child isn’t giving me a hard time. They are having a hard time.” This mindset shift alone can help you stay calmer and more regulated yourself, which in turn helps your child “borrow” your nervous system as they settle down too. As a parent, you are the emotional leader in your family. Kids’ nervous systems are immature and easily activated. Everything is bigger, louder, and more extreme for them. Giving them grace, and modeling emotional regulation yourself, is a gift that will help them for years to come. This takes time, and that’s okay. You have to learn to reframe the way you look at the behavior in the first place and then get better at making those guesses about what’s actually going on for your kid. Keep practicing CALM. Take care of your nervous system and practice self-regulation. Look at your child’s behavior from a compassionate (or even neutral) place. Lead your family with calm confidence. Related Episodes:
Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn:
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| Nonviolent Communication for Moms with Margot Magowan | 30 avr. 2026 | 00:47:54 | |
Nonviolent Communication is the framework behind better parenting connection - and you may already be using it. In this episode, Margot Magowan reveals how NVC principles transform challenging moments into opportunities for emotional connection and effective limit-setting. Learn the exact steps to stop yelling and show up as the calm mom you want to be, with real-world examples you can use today. You’ll Learn:
----------------------------------------------------- Margot Magowan, a mom of 3, says that learning about Nonviolent Communication helped to transform everything for her family. When her oldest daughter was 15 years old, she started having behavioral health challenges, like refusing to go to school, abusing drugs, and stealing. Over the course of 3 years, she went to various wilderness and residential programs, receiving access to all kinds of support and resources. Now, at age 22, Margot’s daughter is thriving. She says, “I really credit it to me and my husband learning how to listen to her.” In her coaching practice, Margot supports other parents in learning how to truly listen to their children with presence and curiosity. The Basics of Nonviolent CommunicationNonviolent Communication (NVC) was created by Marshall Rosenburg, who believes that all human behavior is motivated by an attempt to meet certain universal needs. Margot explains that NVC is made up of 4 parts: observations, feelings, needs, and requests. Take the example of you and your partner getting ready to go to a party, and you’re worried you’re going to be late. Instead of saying, “We’re gonna be late. Hurry up!”, using NVC might look like this:
Margot says that when she first learned this, it felt a little robotic (and her kids hated it when she talked to them that way). She says that what really helped it to feel more authentic was when she focused on her energy rather than her language. Basically, it’s not about the script. It’s about focusing on connection. This is called NVC Consciousness, which Margot explains as “being open and curious and present and compassionate to whatever is happening.” You’re not trying to fix anything (sound familiar?). It goes hand in hand with the Connection Tool that I teach. You’re going into the situation as a neutral witness and viewing your child’s behavior as an expression of needs or feelings that they don’t know how to handle. Ultimately, Nonviolent Communication is:
It’s important to keep in mind that the goal of NVC is not to get to the other emotion. Or to get compliance out of our kids. Although these things do sometimes often happen when we show up in a compassionate way. The Universal NeedsThere are quite a few universal needs within NVC (if you want to see them all, Margot has a free list for you here). She helped us out by breaking it down into a few key categories:
For example, if you walk into your child’s room and find them lying in bed when they’re supposed to be cleaning their room, your first thought might be, “Ugh, my kid is lazy. They’re not doing what they’re supposed to do.” After that initial thought passes, ask yourself, “What need are they trying to meet?” Maybe it’s comfort or ease, and this is their best strategy to do that. Then, you can look at the behavior through a more neutral lens. And as a parent, if you’re feeling angry, resentful, or frustrated, you probably have some sort of need that’s not being met. Be really gentle with yourself in wondering why the situation is upsetting you so much. Margot says that NVC has made her more aware of her own needs and how to get them met. She says, “I was using all 3 of my kids to meet my own needs…I didn’t need to shift my kids’ behavior to meet my needs.” She figured out new strategies to take care of herself. Now, she sees that a lot of moms hold to strict rules for their kids because they are trying to meet their own need for safety. If you find yourself being rigid somewhere, ask yourself, “What am I scared of? What am I making this mean?” This is how you get to CALM. By managing your own needs and taking care of yourself, you can then show up in a connected, compassionate way for your child. The Giraffe and the JackalIn Nonviolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg uses two animal metaphors: a Giraffe and a Jackal. The Giraffe is compassionate, open, and curious. The Jackal is more judgemental and angry. One of the things that Margot coaches parents on is spending time with the Jackal when it shows up. And how to get your needs met from someplace other than your kid (having a safe container, like a coach, to bring these feelings and needs to is super helpful). You can ask for this clearly if you’re talking to your partner or a friend. Say something like, “I just want empathy. I just want you to listen to me and not try to make it better or fix it or take it away.” You can also do this for yourself in a journal if you need to. Here’s the magic. When you show up as the Giraffe and listen to your kid and they feel safe and their nervous system regulates, they reach that state of compassion and curiosity in themselves. Margot says, “I feel like we're doing such a service of actually modeling how to show up for them so they can show up for themselves and be healthy adults.” Challenging ChangeThere is a real obstacle that happens when we change our parenting. Our children want what is reliable and predictable. So even if you’ve been yelling, this is what they know and expect. When you change your behavior, your kid might not feel like it’s trustworthy or safe right away. It’s unfamiliar, like you’re an imposter. It freaks them out. Margot explains that her kids thought the yelling parents were the authentic ones. They didn’t totally trust them when they stopped yelling and started trying this new approach. Your child might even try to pull you back into your own pattern. Their behavior will escalate and they’ll almost want you to yell, because that’s what they’re used to. You have to restrain yourself and stay within your new value system long enough to get all the way through that emotion. Eventually, they will catch up to the new version. And they’ll really like this calmer, more connected parent that you’re becoming. It just takes some time. Doing something different isn’t always easy in the short term, but the long term gains are so worth it. Previous Episodes:
Connect with Margot:
Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn:
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| Help Kids Manage Big Feelings | The Connection Tool (Improved) | 23 avr. 2026 | 00:32:43 | |
Help your child manage big feelings so their behavior naturally improves. This episode teaches the NEW 5-step Connection Tool - the hybrid parenting approach that combines empathy with clear boundaries. Learn real-life scripts, how to see behavior through a compassionate lens, and why understanding your child's feelings on the inside changes everything on the outside. Perfect for moms tired of power struggles and yelling. You’ll Learn:
I’m walking you through exactly how to use (new & improved!) The Connection Tool to coach your kids when they're having big feeling cycles or when they're dysregulated. -------------------------------------- The Connection Tool is one of my favorite tools I’ve ever created to help parents emotionally coach their kids when they're having big feeling cycles or when they're dysregulated. Today, I’ll walk you through exactly how to use it. And if you’ve been around a while, you may notice a few improvements. The Connection Tool falls under the 2nd pillar of my Connected Parenting Process: Calm >> Connect >> Limit Set >> Correct This process is meant to simplify parenting for you as much as possible. When you’re seeing off-track behavior, it means that some parenting is probably needed. And by going through the 4 steps of the process, you can use your kid’s behavior as a clue to what they might be feeling or needing. The best way to improve your child's behavior on the outside is helping them understand how to cope and communicate with their big feelings on the inside. Kids don’t know what to do with disappointment, anger, jealousy, and those other hard emotions. So, they complain, ignore you, run away from you, call names, hit their brother, etc. The Connection Tool helps you teach them how to handle those emotions in an appropriate way. What Do I Mean By Connection?When you hear the term “connection” as it relates to parenting, your mind might automatically go to the connection between you and your child. Of course, I want you to have a good relationship with your kid, but that’s not exactly what we’re talking about here. When I talk about “connection” in the Connected Parenting Process, I’m really talking about the connection between your child’s behavior and their emotions. You’re helping to connect what’s happening on the inside and how it’s showing up outside of them through their behavior. In essence, it’s about connecting your child to themself. Giving them an understanding and awareness of how they're thinking, how they're feeling, and helping them learn to manage their feelings in healthy ways. Emotional health and wellbeing always starts with awareness. This is also called “emotional literacy”, which essentially means that they can understand what they are feeling, describe it with words, and express those emotions in health and appropriate ways that work for them, your family, and their community. From there, they can also learn how to shift their thinking so that they have a better mindset about whatever is going on in their life. One thing I want to point out is that when your child is in a big feeling cycle or acting out, they don’t need limits or correction (yet). What they need first is connection. Threatening, accusing, minimizing, or insulting are not helpful in this situation. They will only make your child more dysregulated. The Connection ToolI’ve been teaching this tool to parents for a long time, but through the process of writing my book, I realized that it was incomplete. The NEW Connection Tool has 5 parts. 1. Notice. This is just for you. You notice that something is going on. Your kid is dysregulated or acting out. They might be tired, hungry, overstimulated, facing frustration. They're having feelings of stress, Frustration, anger, disappointment, disappointment. Often, you’ll notice this before they really lose it. You’ll see that something is a little off, something’s brewing. Your kid looks mostly fine, but inside their nervous system is working really hard. This is a great time for you to take a CALM break. You know that your kid is starting to show big feelings, and they’re going to need your help. If a behavior shows up and you find yourself upset by it or you start showing up with some of those less-than-helpful responses, those are also signs to take a break, get calm, and re-align with your goals. 2. Narrate. When somebody is dysregulated, they have exceeded their capacity to cope with their emotional upset in a healthy way. They no longer have access to logic. You can help bring them back into the moment by narrating the behavior you see. For example: “I am giving each of you dessert, but I saw you hit your brother because I gave it to him first.” “I said that it was time to turn off the video game, and I noticed that you haven't done it yet.” “I said it was homework time, but now I see that you’re playing in the backyard instead of sitting down at the table.” You are narrating the circumstances and the specific actions and behaviors that you’re seeing. This is what's going on on the outside. Stick to the facts. 3. Name. Now, you name the feeling that’s happening on the inside. I like to phrase this as a question or curiosity. Like this… “I wonder if you are feeling angry that I gave your brother the dessert first.” “I wonder if you are sad that you don’t get to play video games any more.” “I wonder if you are feeling annoyed that it's time to do homework.” The narrating and the naming go together to help neutralize the behavior. It’s like holding up a mirror and saying, “Hey, I'm seeing this behavior and I'm thinking it's because of this circumstance.” 4. Validate. Now that the feeling has a name, let your child know that however they’re feeling is valid. Of course they’re feeling angry, sad, annoyed, etc. One of my favorite phrases for this is, “That makes sense.” 5. Regulate. This is where you help your child move through the feeling so that they can get back to a state of calm. Ask, ”What are you going to do with that anger (or whatever emotion you’ve named together)?” You can give suggestions. “Do you want to run around? Do you want to jump up and down? Do you want to talk about it? Do you want to tell me more things? Do you need to take a break from the family?” Let them know that you can help them or they can do it on their own. There are a ton of different ways to regulate the nervous system, but moving the body is almost always a great starting point. It helps to push those emotions through and out of the body. Imagine it like an electrical current that is all charge up and needs to be discharged. Sometimes, you’ll need to set a boundary as part of regulation. For example, “You can stay here and eat this dessert with us as long as you're not name calling.” Remember that limit setting has to come from a very calm, grounded place. The message is, “This behavior isn't safe for everybody, and we want you to be around here.” This process of regulation often only takes around 90 seconds (even though it might feel like an eternity). Once your child is regulated and calm again, you’ll coach them through resetting their mind and thoughts (more on that in the next episode!). The goal of the Connection Tool is not that your child will not have big feelings anymore. The goal is for there to be less and less damage when those feelings come up. All humans are going to have tough emotions. And kids will be immature. We want to move away from violence, disrespect, and behaviors that cause problems for others, like time delays and energy drains. We want our kids to understand that their feelings are valid and make sense. And to know healthy ways to move that emotion through their bodies and minds. We’re helping them to connect the dots between what's going on inside of them to what's going on on the outside of them. And holding them responsible for their behavior in a loving way. Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn:
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| Raise Confident Kids | 3 Essential Beliefs for Emotional Health | 16 avr. 2026 | 00:32:22 | |
Emotional regulation starts with what kids believe about themselves. In this episode, I'm sharing the 3 essential beliefs that set your child up for confidence, healthy risk-taking, and strong relationships - and the one thing you can do to plant each belief without forcing it. Perfect for moms who want to raise kids that think for themselves and handle big feelings well. You’ll Learn:
This episode breaks down the key ingredients to helping your kid become emotionally healthy and resilient - now and as an adult. ---------------------------------------- The three essential beliefs are:
These are the beliefs that help ensure your child grows up to have good self esteem, take risks, think for themselves, be responsible, and have good relationships with others and with their own body. Each person comes into the world preset to believe these things. They want them to be proven true. The problem happens when they start to get different messages or they have experiences in childhood happen to them and that are never explained. Your child's earliest years (between 0-5) set the groundwork for their subconscious beliefs about themselves and the world. And those beliefs are reinforced up until around age 12. They are absorbing messages all the time about themselves and the world based on their environment and their interactions with you. You have a lot of influence over your child's beliefs about themselves. When you can reinforce these essential beliefs in them - showing them that they’re safe, lovable, and capable - they get the message and carry those beliefs with them into adulthood. Belief #1: I am safe.This is the belief that I am safe, and the world is safe. I don't need to worry so much about my needs. I can relax in my environment, and from that relaxed state I can go and try and do hard things and take big swings in the world and live my life. Why it matters Babies cannot meet any of their own physical needs, so they trust and rely on us to care for them. This is the beginning of building safety. “The grownups in my world are safe.” As they get a little older, safety becomes not only physical but also emotional. They want to know that you can handle their big feelings. You are the person who will protect, not harm, them. They don’t need to be scared of you. The idea of safety also shifts as we see more behaviors. They might start to see safety as conditional. That they are safe and cared for as long as they act a certain way. It can also be based on the adult’s emotional capacity, patience, etc. When their safety is in question, the child becomes hypervigilant and aware. They’re always looking around trying to figure out, “Am I safe?”. Without a core belief that the world is safe, we start to see things like anxiety, dissociating, seeking safety in relationships (or rejecting relationships), and other unhealthy behaviors. What to do The goal, then, is to be a physically and emotionally reliable caregiver for your child. This means regulating your nervous system, so that you can be calm and reinforce these core beliefs. Boundaries and rules are also important to creating a sense of safety. We don’t want to be too harsh or rigid, but predictable routines and limits help kids know what to expect and show them that their adult is going to do what they say they will do. I like to think of these rhythms as a metronome in the background of life. Belief #2: I am lovable.You can also think of this belief as “I'm good enough”. We want our kids to walk through the world believing that they're good enough exactly as they are. That they're worthy of love, and you accept them unconditionally. Why it matters Kids have a really hard time separating themselves from their behavior. So when you communicate that you don’t like how they’re acting, it can be confusing. They can take it to mean that you don’t like them. Or that you only love them when they’re behaving a certain way. This means that you have to actively communicate to them that they're lovable no matter how they act, that they are good enough, and that you accept them exactly as they are. They don't have to do anything or be anything different in order to receive your unconditional acceptance. They can't earn your love, and it can't be taken away. When a child goes through life thinking that they're not good enough or they're not lovable, they show up with a lot of people pleasing behavior. They may be perfectionistic. They may deny their own needs or their own ideas. They might squash down their creativity or intuition because they think they need to show up in a certain way in order to be accepted by the adults in their life. What to do One of the really difficult thoughts for us to work through as parents is, “I love my kid, but I don’t like them right now.” We have to actively work on shifting that to, “I like my child no matter how they act.” Let’s be honest, this is more challenging with some kids than others. One of my favorite tools is called a Delight List. You write out a list of things that you like about your kid. Then, you can communicate to them, “I like you”, “I find you delightful”, “You're my kid and I enjoy having you in particular as my kid”. I want to clarify one thing: Unconditional acceptance does not mean that we’re letting misbehavior slide. The difference is in the way that we communicate boundaries and consequences. It’s the frustration, blaming, anger, and shame that we’re getting rid of. You can have compassion for why your child might not want to follow a particular rule, while also being firm. Remind yourself that they are still learning how to follow directions, delay gratification, and control their impulses. They’re little, and they’re figuring it out. Belief #3: I’m capable.This is the belief that I can handle things, I can figure stuff out, and I know how to take care of myself. Why it matters In order for your child to believe that they are capable of learning, growing, doing new things, and mastering new skills…they have to make mistakes. And this isn’t just about learning to clean up their messes or tie their shoes. There’s so much growth going on beneath the surface. Kids are also learning how to manage their nervous system, regulate their emotions, delay gratification, and understand cause and effect. They’re going to make a lot of mistakes. If you get frustrated and angry when they make those mistakes, you end up communicating to your child, “You’re not good enough, and it doesn’t seem like you’re capable.” What to do Normalize misbehavior and mistakes. Make sure your child understands that they’re not “bad” when they mess up. They’re still learning. This means that you want to create an environment where it’s normal to not know how to do everything. When you start to feel frustrated, try looking at your child’s behavior through a different lens. Where is that behavior coming from? Is it emotional immaturity? Physical immaturity? An immature nervous system? Lack of skill? If you can see your child's behavior from a neutral lens (or even a compassionate lens), then you can be compassionate towards them. Adopt a growth mindset that your kid gets to be a beginner. They get to work towards higher and higher levels of skill. They won’t be good at everything (including behaving), and that’s okay. Coaching Your Kid Through Negative ThoughtsSometimes kids will share with you the negative thoughts that they have in their heads. They might think things like:
It can be difficult to hear that your child is thinking these things. But it is beautiful that they feel comfortable sharing those thoughts with you. And it gives you the opportunity to coach them through it. Here’s how:
Here’s the underlying message: Hey, you know what? You're safe in this world and in this family and in this environment. No matter how you act, you're lovable. I'm going to know you're capable even when you make mistakes. I'm here to support you no... | |||
| Mom Drama & Cliques | Building Confident Parenting Connections | 09 avr. 2026 | 00:40:49 | |
Mom drama, cliques, and guilt are real - and they're not your fault. In this honest conversation with my friend Danielle, we explore the surprising connection between matrescence and toxic mom groups, why supportive parenting communities matter, and practical ways to stay calm when surrounded by mean mom energy. Discover how building confident, mindful parenting relationships actually makes you a better mom. You’ll Learn:
We're all trying to figure it out. The more kindness we have for ourselves, the more compassion we can have for others. -------------------------------Danielle and I raised our kids alongside each other. We were in the same elementary school and community, but we also had different friend groups and different experiences. She is one of my favorite people to talk to about motherhood, so I’m so excited she’s here. Experiences of MatrescenceEvery woman in motherhood is going through some stage of matrescence - the process of becoming a mother. During this transformational time, we tend to experience a lot of the same insecurity, confusion, and overwhelm that we felt in adolescence. Maybe you’ve felt insecure or confused. Or thought:
These are all super common during matrescence. Plus, once you think you’ve started to figure things out, everything changes as your child moves through stages of infancy, toddlerhood, preschool, elementary, high school, and beyond. Mom DramaWhen you’re going through matrescence, you’re also likely surrounded by other women who are also going through this transition. When you put a group of moms together, those insecurities can show up as immaturity and drama. And just as teen girls stir up drama because they’re insecure and not sure when they fit in, moms act out their insecurities in a similar way. Particularly when their kids are around early elementary age. When your kids are in preschool, it’s like you’re at war together. You’re sharing stories and struggles, comparing behaviors, and just trying to figure out how to get through it. It’s a very physical time in parenting. You’re picking them up, putting them down, dealing with sleep issues and potty training. It’s a daily battle, and you’re exhausted. Once your kid is out of diapers and strollers and is off to school, there’s a shift from physical parenting to emotional parenting. You start to look around and wonder, “Am I doing this right?” This is the stage when we tend to see “mean mom” behaviors that are driven by insecurity, fear, and the desire to fit in. BelongingThe preschool years are short. You may connect with other moms mainly in the drop-off or pickup line, and you know that in a year or two, kids will be heading in different directions and to different schools. During the elementary years, you might start looking for longtime friends, knowing that your kids will be in school together for the next 6 or 8 or 12 years. Now, you’re looking at other moms and asking yourself, “Are these the people we want to spend time with?” “What group am I going to be in?” You want to make sure that you and your kids are in with the “right” families and groups. What often happens then is that the insecurity of wanting to set our kids up for success and make sure we’re in the right group lends itself to observing, judging, and criticizing other moms. Then you get into comparison. And then you get into gossip. FearDanielle brought up a fear moms have of a “bad kid” rubbing off on their child. Especially if your kid is slightly divergent or working through emotional regulation issues, people tend to run away. It’s like behavioral issues are contagious. There isn’t a lot of grace extended in those early years. It’s a fear not only of their kid behaving badly but also insecurity around the parent’s ability to handle that behavior. Moms think, “I don’t even know how to parent that, so I’m just gonna avoid it.” JudgmentMany people also have the belief that your kid and their behavior is a reflection of you as a parent. So, when someone sees a child behaving badly, they might jump to the conclusion that the mom is a terrible parent. At this young stage of parenting, everybody is blaming everybody. Everyone's judging everybody. There’s this idea that if there’s misbehavior, something has gone wrong. Or if your child has emotional pain, it’s the parent’s fault. Danielle points out that, “we’ve created a culture where we recognize that kids go through painful experiences. They have a lot of emotions and sometimes they're really big and sometimes they lead to behavior that isn't great. And we've done a great job of creating language around that and acknowledging that that happens to children. But we haven't gotten past the fact that all of that obviously lies at the feet of the parent. Every child's outburst, every child's pain, every child's misbehavior, every child's tantrum is because the parent is doing a bad job.” CliquesAll of these factors can sometimes lead to cliques and excluding other families. It can lead to a mean-girl mentality. When one of my sons was in kindergarten, I had the experience of being pushed out of a mom group. I felt like I was in high school, being excluded. It was so painful. And as I've talked about this story with other moms, they have shared with me similar things that have happened. Finding Compassion for MomsI want to offer a new lens for all of this. Other women are going through this matrescence transformation, too. They’re trying to figure it out, too. Everyone is really scared. We all want our kids to be okay, and we don’t want to mess them up. But hurting other women in the process - gossiping, spreading rumors, judging, criticizing, shaming, and blaming - is not the way to do it. We can make decisions that work for our children without being cliquey. We don't have to act like teenage girls and talk a bunch of shit and exclude people. If we can build a little more awareness, it might avoid people getting hurt. Danielle adds that operating from fear and exclusivity is detrimental. You get less perspective and understanding. It actually goes against the goals we have for our kids. Encouraging people to be more inclusive will enrich their lives and the lives of their children in ways they probably can’t foresee. This is how we build empathy. Model your valuesBullying has been at the forefront again lately. There’s been a good effort to teach kids about bullying, including creating the “buddy bench”, where kids can sit if they need a friend. What’s the point of these efforts if kids then hear moms bullying each other at home? We know it isn’t possible to invite everyone to everything all the time. But what about the mom who’s struggling, feeling lonely and isolated? Where’s her buddy bench? You don’t have to become best friends or invite her to every single moms’ night out. But we can still be lovely and kind to each other. We can not talk shit and refuse to be a part of the rumor mill. Danielle said it beautifully: If we don't want kids to be bullied… If we don't want our kids to be the bullies… If we want our kids to feel that they're growing up in a safe community… WE have to demonstrate that. We're all in some stage of motherhood and matrescence. We're all trying to figure it out. The more kindness we have for ourselves, the more compassion we can have for others. Previous Episode:
Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn:
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| Matrescence with Dr. Angele Close | Motherhood's Identity Shift | 02 avr. 2026 | 00:51:25 | |
Dr. Angele Close is back to talk with me more about matrescence - the profound identity, emotional, and physical transformation mothers experience (and most of us never talk about). We're exploring how motherhood reshapes who you are, why mom guilt is actually a sign of something deeper, and how understanding your own emotional shifts helps you stay calmer with your kids. If you've felt lost in motherhood or wondered why becoming a mom fundamentally changed you, this episode is for you. You’ll Learn:
It’s a big deal to become a parent! We are forever changed by the experience. Today, we’re diving deeper into what it means to go through this process, how it changes us, how it's like adolescence, and the beautiful gifts that come with becoming a mom. ------------------------------------ As you may remember from our previous conversations, Dr. Angele Close is a clinical psychologist, motherhood coach, and mindfulness teacher who draws on the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model of healing and transformation to support maternal mental health and well-being. She helps mothers navigate the identity shifts of matrescence, releasing perfectionism and shame so they can embrace motherhood with greater self-compassion, confidence, and joy. Dr. Angele is also a mother of 3 teens and the author of Unburdening Motherhood: A Guide to Breaking Cycles, Healing Trauma, and Becoming a Self-led Mom. Transformational StagesWe all go through certain periods of transformation in our lives. Two of the biggest are adolescence and matrescence, and Dr. Angele shared some comparisons between them. She says that each of these is a transformational journey that every woman who becomes a mother will experience. Just as your body, identity, and friendships change during adolescence, your mindset, identity, career, and relationships also change over the course of motherhood. And while we all go through this transformation, every person’s experience is unique. Matrescence begins in the moment that you start thinking, “I think I want to be a mother” (or, “Oh shit, I’m going to be a mother!”). And it lasts as long as you are a mother. Because this covers such a wide range of time and experiences, it can also help to pinpoint where you are within matrescence:
Depending on your stage of matrescence, there are some common patterns and experiences that Dr. Angele has seen come up for moms. Fantasy v. Reality This is a big one in early motherhood. Chances are, you had a vision in your mind of what it would be like to be a mom. Maybe it was carried with you from childhood, when you pretended to be a mom to your dolls. Personally, I had a vision of strolling down Venice Beach in a cute outfit with my nails done and perfect hair. I had no idea what it was actually going to be like. The lived reality of motherhood is usually a bit different from the visions in our heads. Suddenly, you’re dealing with sleep schedules, feeding schedules, figuring out how to manage your time and energy in a whole new way. There’s a heavy mental load, lots of new demands, and you’re mentally and physically exhausted. The next thing you know, you haven't showered in days, you forgot to brush your teeth, haven't put a bra on, and can't figure out how to get you and your kid(s) out the door. It can be a little bit of a rude awakening compared to that vision of walking along the beach looking beautiful with the wind blowing in your hair! You probably realize that there are parts of momming that you don’t like. And then you feel like a bad mom. When you’re early on in matrescence (the first 4-5 years), it’s kinda like early adolescence. It feels awful, you don’t know who you are, and you’re confused about what you’re supposed to be doing, what matters, and what doesn’t. That confusion of identity leads us to… The Inner Split Matrescence isn’t just about schedules and the demands of motherhood. It is a full transformation of identity. Matrescence can be really uncomfortable and isolating. You might feel torn between who you were as a woman and who you are becoming as a mom. Between what you want and the limitations that you’re facing. Dr. Angele explains that most moms make their child a priority, which is natural because babies are so dependent on us for survival. But as time goes on and our inner needs and ambitions are constantly sacrificed, that stuff starts to bubble up and seep out. You might start to test the waters by mentioning the way you’re feeling to family or friends. And too often, it’s invalidated or responded to negatively. When you’re afraid of not being seen as a “good” mom, you’re less likely to be honest about what you’re going through. And social media doesn’t help. Those curated feeds give you the idea that you’re supposed to look or act a certain way. So you think, “Oh, I guess I’m just not doing this whole motherhood thing right.” Then the shame and guilt come in (which Dr. Angele calls “inner emotional poison”). Ultimately, Dr. Angele says, “We just want to feel validated in our experience. We don’t want someone to solve it for us. It really is about us finding our own way through, but there’s just not enough awareness and support.” Why Matrescence MattersDr. Angele says that learning the word matrescence “put a language to what I'd been struggling with and feeling for 9 years.” She went on to say it was so validating to know that what she was going through was real and that it had a name. When we have a word to put to a feeling, it helps us to make sense of our inner experience. Think about adolescence and all of the knowledge and resources that exist to help get out kids through that transformation. Moms don’t have that right now to help them through matrescence. Without this word, so many moms think there’s something wrong with them. But they’re just mothers who are changing, shifting, and figuring things out. We deserve to understand ourselves and understand what we're going through. Instead of thinking about the struggles in terms of what our kids are going through (e.g. “Oh, that’s just what it’s like to have a toddler.”), what if we framed it in terms of the mother’s transition (“Oh, you’re struggling because you’re in the middle of an identity shift.”)? As I talk about so much with parenting, it comes down to curiosity. What is the unique inner struggle that this mom is facing? Processing MatrescenceFirst of all, let's normalize the fact that you shouldn’t know better. Everyone else doesn’t have it all figured out. It’s normal to struggle. Many moms have perfectionistic inner manager parts that just want to do it “right”. We want society to see us as successful, a “good” mom. We want that external praise. But trying to be Supermom depletes us. It doesn’t leave room for us to admit that we don’t know. You’re learning. You’re becoming. You’re on a continuous journey of figuring it out. Dr. Angele shared some practical tips that she teaches moms who are going through matrescence. Notice what the word “matrescence” brings up for you. As you’ve heard us define this process, how do you feel? What thoughts came up? Dr. Angele says, “Usually, when I tell moms about matrescence, I see literally see light shine, the eyes widen. They’re processing already that they now have a word that explains all the changes.” Next, now that you have a word for what you’re going through, think back on your experience. How does this new lens change the way you see your struggles and transformation? Dr. Angele says that in many moms, this is when the heart opens. They’re filled with self-love and compassion for themselves. “It’s like an awakening moment,” she says. The truth is, it’s hard to find space to be you within matrescence. But it is possible. Dr. Angele encourages us to take advantage of micro-moments. You don’t need 20 minutes of meditation to experience benefits. Try this:
These simple compassionate gestures activate oxytocin and literally change your brain. You can think about this within the framework of the CALM Break, as well. C: Check in yourself. How am I doing? A: Align with your values. How do I want to show up? L: Label with love. This is a transition. I’m still figuring out who I am as a mom. M: Move. Take a few deep breaths or do a shimmy shake. The Gifts of MatrescenceMatrescence is an opportunity to become who we want to be and develop the identity as a mother that we want. I know this was certainly true for me, and becoming the mom I wanted to be led me to so much healing and growth. Dr. Angele agrees. She says, “[Matrescence] wasn't what I thought was going to happen to me. I didn't see it as a spiritual awakening, but... | |||
| The CALM Break | Stop Yelling With This 4-Step Parenting Tool | 26 mars 2026 | 00:31:47 | |
If you want to stop yelling, it starts with understanding stress, not willpower. In this episode, you'll learn the 4-step CALM Break - the game-changing evolution of the Pause Break - designed to help you stay calm with kids when emotions run hot. Discover why parental overwhelm happens, how to reset in the moment, and why this mindful parenting tool works even for the hardest days. You’ll Learn:
The CALM Break is the new and improved Pause Break. It’s a step-by-step process for what to do when you find yourself overwhelmed, yelling at your kid, or just not showing up as the parent you want to be. Today, I’m breaking down what it is and how you can use it to show up as a calm mama. --------------------------------Why Aren’t You Calm?We all feel overwhelmed and dysregulated at times, especially when it comes to parenting. Understanding what’s going on can help you to be more compassionate with yourself and feel less out of control. Your nervous system has two parts: the sympathetic and the parasympathetic. The parasympathetic nervous system is the calm part. It's what we think of as “rest and digest”. It's a state of equilibrium and balance. For the most part, you should be living your life in the parasympathetic nervous system. These are the times when things are relatively easy, you know what to be doing, the demands on you are manageable, and you're able to keep up. When things become stressful - there is too much demand on you and you feel overwhelmed - your nervous system says, “Uh-oh, we can’t handle this,” and it decides that you need a bunch more stress hormones (e.g. adrenaline, cortisol, epinephrine) in order to deal with what’s in front of you. This triggers your sympathetic nervous system. That's the fight, flight, freeze, faint, fawn response. Basically, you either become activated or you shut down. At certain times in your life, this stress response can be really helpful and useful. But we’re not supposed to stay in an activated state all the time. The stressors in our lives aren't supposed to outpace our ability to manage those stressors. But kids (even if you only have one) create a lot of extra stress. You're constantly worried and looking out for their safety. You're constantly trying to problem solve. They’re melting down because their nervous system is immature and misfiring all the time. And then you add the everyday life demands of time, money, work, relationship drama, physical fatigue, and it can feel so overwhelming. A lot of the time, you can handle things as they come up. Somebody spills their juice, you clean it up, you move on. Give yourself a little credit here for not being a raging lunatic all the time! But there are also moments when your stress response takes over. Your brain tells you this is an emergency, your stress response activates, and it takes you out of your logical, thinking response. This is when you need to use the CALM Break to get your parasympathetic nervous system back online to manage the stress juice and get you back to a more balanced state. The CALM BreakListen, if you have kids under 10, it’s probably cuckoo pants all the time in your house. Under age 5, forget it. You've got kids climbing and jumping and throwing and spitting and punching and hitting. And you're gonna feel like you're going bananas (and you kind of are). Your nervous system is not ready for those demands. It’s not built to be. CALM is an acronym that helps you remember the steps to follow when you notice that you are overwhelmed, triggered, or dysregulated. CALM stands for: Catch yourself Align Label Move Step 1: Catch Yourself & PauseThis step is about building awareness of how you’re feeling and when you are dysregulated. You can also think of the “C” as checking in with yourself. This can be as simple as noticing and saying to yourself, “Oh, I’m very overwhelmed right now.” When you interrupt your stress response, you are retraining your nervous system to respond differently to those circumstances. Step 2: AlignAlign refers to getting your nervous system back online with your values and your goals of becoming a calm parent. First, delay. Don’t do any parenting in this moment while you’re activated. Communicate to your kids that you're not in alignment. Say something like, “You know what? I'm getting upset right now. I love you, and I don’t want to yell at you. I'm going to take a CALM break.” Or, “I'm sorry, this is not how I want to act. I will talk to you about this in a few minutes after a take a break.” When you tell your children what is happening in real time, they will feel less afraid. They will feel less activated. Plus, as you start to get calm, they might start to calm down, too. Step 3: Label Your Thoughts & FeelingsNarrate for yourself what you're thinking and what's going on and name those feelings. I want you to do this with kindness and self-compassion. There’s no need for negative self-talk or criticism. Being hard on yourself will only activate more stress. Some common default thoughts include, “My kid never listens,” “My kid is so entitled,” and “They should know better.” These thoughts often lead to feelings of frustration, resentment, or discouragement. This is the piece where you get to really connect with your own heart and your own overwhelm and your own nervous system and give yourself some love. Once you label what you’re thinking and feeling, tell yourself, “Yes, this is hard, but I can get through it.” Step 4: MoveI think of this as “move your body, move your mind.” Moving your body is the best way to move stress juice through and regulate your nervous system. There are lots of great examples for this in the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet. Then, you can move your mind by working with your mindset. That means that you can shift the way you’re thinking and feeling so you get into a better state of mind. We're not bypassing or ignoring our feelings here. Instead, you’ll acknowledge them and then ask yourself:
The fun thing is, you can get better at moving your mind and coaching yourself when things are rough. You get better at normalizing the stage of life that you’re in and telling yourself a better story about it. Here are some thoughts you can borrow when you need them:
This is how you label what’s true and move your mind to a more balanced state. When you are working the whole Connected Parenting Process, you will feel much calmer and your nervous system won't activate as much. When you feel confident that you can deal with misbehavior, you won't find it so overwhelming. Resources:
Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn:
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| The Connected Parenting Process | 19 mars 2026 | 00:23:36 | |
Meet my signature parenting framework: The Connected Parenting Process. Learn the 4 steps to stop yelling, feel more calm, and build stronger emotional connection with your kids. Plus why I renamed this mindful parenting approach and how it fits the hybrid parenting shift moms are making right now. You’ll Learn:
I want this process to be accessible to EVERY parent - moms, dads, bonus moms, stepdads, even grandparents. I want to talk about parenting in a more holistic way. Introducing The Connected Parenting Process. ---------------------------------------- I’m back from a 10-week hiatus of recording new episodes. The reason for that break is that I’ve been busy writing a book! It’s all about raising an emotionally healthy kid using connected parenting. More to come on that later, of course. Through the writing process, I realized some things about how I’ve been teaching about parenting and how I want to talk about it moving forward. For the last several years, my signature process has been called The Calm Mama Process. But now, I see that this title isn’t really fair to moms. It makes it seem like the mom is the person who's supposed to be calm and do all the connected parenting. I realized that in some ways, by titling my parenting philosophy “The Calm Mama Process”, I was putting pressure on moms to be the person who's responsible for parenting, and I was alienating dads in the process. I do not want to perpetuate these gender-typical roles and continue putting the emotional and mental labor of parenting solely on women. Frankly, I’m over anything that puts more pressure on moms. I’m done with it. I want this process to be accessible to EVERY parent - moms, dads, bonus moms, stepdads, even grandparents. I want to talk about parenting in a more holistic way. So, I decided to rename my framework The Connected Parenting Process. The Connected Parenting ProcessIf you’ve been with me for a while, this will sound pretty familiar. My process, whatever the name, has always been made up of these 4 parts: calm, connect, limit set, correct. When you practice those 4 pillars, you raise an emotionally healthy kid and you are a connected parent. Let’s walk through them together. CALMCalm is all about the parent and your connection to yourself. The tools, strategies, and concepts under this pillar support your emotional health and your ability to self-regulate. By learning to process your negative emotion, coach yourself through big feelings, and manage your mindset around your kid’s behavior, you will be calm. This is so important (and the first step) because the rest of the parenting pillars are really hard to access if you are not calm and regulated. CONNECTConnect is about connecting your child to themselves. You're teaching your child the connection between what's going on inside of them and how they're acting on the outside. You give them tools to connect how they're behaving to how they're feeling and then coach them to self-regulate. This is one of the main differences between traditional parenting and connected parenting. Traditional parenting is focused only on behavior modification. It doesn’t matter how the parent is acting or if it’s aggressive. It doesn’t matter what is driving that behavior in the child. The focus is solely on behavior and consequences. In connected parenting, we focus on the feelings that are underneath the behavior and on helping our kids learn to cope with their emotions (which means that they don’t need to act out). LIMIT SETLimits connect your child to the boundaries that work within your family. As a connected parent, you will set, communicate, and hold limits. Beyond your family, you’re using boundaries to connect your child to the world - helping them understand how the world works and giving them clear guidance and parameters on which behaviors are okay. This isn't a feelings-only or a behavior-only model. It’s a combination. You can have compassion for your kid and also not give in just because they’re having a big feeling (no way!). Helping them regulate that emotion and having a firm limit helps them to become resilient. CORRECTCorrect is where you show your child the connection between their behavior and the impact of their behavior. If they fail, they have to fix it. If they make a mistake, they have to repair that mistake. We're connecting behavior to consequences. In this model, consequences are not just meant to modify behavior. We’re helping them to see, in a logical, neutral way, that certain behaviors cause problems. Misbehavior might cause a time problem, an energy problem, or a money problem. You want your kid to start to connect the dots between their behavior and the impact their behavior has on others. And then do what they can to make it right. When you have those 4 pillars it means you are raising an emotionally healthy kid who turns into an emotionally healthy adult. If you are hitting those pillars pretty regularly in your parenting, you can kind of relax. That is what I really want for you. You don’t have to keep feeling like you’re never doing it “right”. Or be constantly overwhelmed. It’s pretty incredible to have a process that you can look to when you’re worried that you’re messing it all up. Go through the steps and check in. Ask yourself:
The Connected Parenting Process is exactly what it sounds like. We want our kids to be connected to their parent(s), themselves, and the world, and to be able to work well within the world. The name itself will help you remember what you're doing here and why you’re parenting the way you are. Mentioned in this episode:
Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn:
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| How To Apologize and Reconnect with Your Kid [Stop Yelling Series, part 10] | 12 mars 2026 | 00:29:47 | |
You yelled. You shamed. You're drowning in mom guilt. It happens to every parent. But what matters is what you do next. In this episode, learn the parenting tools that turn your biggest mistakes into moments of real repair and deeper connection with your kids. Discover why a true apology isn't just "I'm sorry" and how modeling accountability teaches your child emotional regulation and breaks the harmful cycles you inherited. You’ll Learn:
When you create a rupture in your relationship with your child, you first have to forgive yourself. Then, it’s time to apologize and reconnect with your kid. --------------------------------------- You know what this looks like… Your kid keeps complaining about what you’re serving for dinner. Or they keep asking for something over and over, even though you already said no. Or they start hitting their sibling while you’re trying to make an appointment on your phone. You lose your compassion and patience and get angry, overwhelmed, irritated, or frustrated. You get dysregulated, short-tempered, and disrespectful toward your child. It’s normal to lose it with your kid. It's part of being in a relationship with anybody. There are times when we get upset and create a disconnection, or rupture, with the other person. What’s important is how you choose to handle it afterward. What It Feels Like For Your KidChildren are very self centered. That's their natural way of viewing the world. They're pretty sure the world revolves around them. So when they notice that you’re mad, they will automatically think that they are the reason. And further, they’ll think that something is wrong with who they are. They don’t know how to separate their core self from their behavior yet. They internalize our anger, and it's very easy for them to go into shame. This means that when you yell or get upset, you have to go back and give your child some understanding of why you behaved the way you did. We call this repair. You explain to them that you were in a big feeling cycle, and you didn’t use your tools of taking a pause or deep breathing or moving your body or whatever you typically use to calm yourself. The conversation is about repairing your relationship with your child, as well as their self-esteem and internal self-talk (basically your kid’s relationship with themself). When To RepairHere are some signs that your child might need a repair conversation with you. You might notice that they:
When you act out your big feelings on your kid, it activates their stress response. They go into fight, flight, freeze, faint, or fawn. Anytime you notice that you’ve created a rupture, go make a repair. If you’re at the beginning of your Calm Mama journey, you’ll probably have to do this a lot. You haven’t developed the skills yet, and that’s okay. You are still learning. Another thing to note is that the repair conversation should happen separately from parenting, limit setting, or correction. You might feel tempted to say something to your kid like, “I’m sorry I yelled, but I wouldn’t yell at you if you would just put your pajamas on.” Discussion about your child’s behavior is a whole different conversation. You are responsible for how you respond to misbehavior. Repair is the time for you to fix your mistake and reconnect. How To Apologize and Reconnect with Your KidRepair is the act of returning to a moment of disconnection, taking responsibility for your behavior, and acknowledging its impact on your child. You caused a problem with your behavior, and it is your responsibility to make it right. You’re essentially saying to your child, “Hey, I know that happened. I was wrong. I’m sorry, and I’m working on it.” But it’s not enough just to say, “I’m sorry.” We also want our kids to have a chance to talk about how they felt in that moment and have their feelings acknowledged. We want them to understand that your behavior was not about them. Remember, it’s not your kid’s job to forgive you and make you feel better. You have to do that work for yourself first. Take the time to reflect, get calm, and forgive yourself for your mistake. When you’re ready, you are the one who should initiate the repair conversation. Don’t wait for your kid to come to you. Whether it’s the same day or a couple of days later, come back to the incident in a timely manner. Step 1: Narrate the moment of disconnection. Let your child know that you’ve been thinking about what happened. Talk about how you acted out. Step 2: Take responsibility. This is the “I’m sorry.” Before you go into this conversation, make sure that you are truly ready to take responsibility for your behavior without blaming, criticizing, or trying to assuage your own guilt. You have to be neutral and compassionate toward yourself. Be ready to receive your child’s story and experience of your behavior (which can be really uncomfortable). Step 3: Acknowledge the impact on your child. You can say things like, “I bet that was really hard for you,” or “I wonder if you felt hurt or scared by the way I acted?” Invite them to tell you how they felt and what it was like for them. Ask simple questions to help them name the emotions. Then, validate their feelings. Step 4: Now what? Make a commitment, and make amends. Let your kid know that you’re working on staying calm. Find out if there’s anything you can do to make things better. Let them make a request, and try to respect it. Here’s an example: Step 1: I’ve been thinking about what happened yesterday when we were rushing to get ready for school. I yelled at you. Step 2: That was my fault. I'm sorry. I should not have done that. Step 3: I would imagine you felt very scared when I was yelling at you. Did you feel scared? (Yes, I don’t like it when you yell). Yes, of course it’s scary when you see me yell. That must have been really difficult for you to feel like I didn’t love you or care about you. I am sorry. Step 4: I want you to know that I’m working on staying calm. Is there anything you want me to do to make things right? What a beautiful thing in your relationship if you can be neutral and open enough to receive your child's pain - even if you're the one who caused it. What a gift to let them have a voice and the power to communicate the hard things that they've experienced - even if those things were done by you. The goal is to help your child not internalize the shame that makes them think, “I’m not good enough,” “There’s something wrong with me,” or “I’m worthless.” We want our kids to know that, at their core, they are good, worthy, loved, forgiven, accepted, and safe. We want them to know that our anger is not their fault and that they can make requests of us (and of others). We are human. We make mistakes, and we can fix our mistakes. And that’s a powerful thing. Related Episodes:
Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn:
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| Rupture & Repair [Stop Yelling Series, part 9] | 05 mars 2026 | 00:27:08 | |
You yelled. Your kid's crying. Now what? Learn how to handle the rupture and repair your connection afterward. In this episode, we break down why most parents spiral in guilt, the 10 benefits of doing repair well, and the exact steps to turn a moment of losing your cool into deeper trust and emotional security. You’ll Learn:
In this episode, I’m sharing what’s really going on when you lose your temper and what to do after the dust settles. ----------------------------------- When You Lose Your TemperFirst, let’s get clear on one thing. No one can make you angry. Not even your kid. Anger is an emotion that comes from your thoughts about a situation or behavior. And getting angry isn’t actually the problem. What really matters is how you handle the moments when anger takes over and you lose your temper. These moments are sometimes called “ruptures”, because they interrupt the connection between parent and child. When you speak or act harshly towards your child, you create a negative impact and disconnection in your relationship. Have A Repair ConversationWhen you do lose your temper, it’s time to take responsibility for your actions and repair the rupture (in the same way we would guide our kids to take responsibility for the impacts of their behavior). "Repair" is the conversation you have with your child in order to mend the disconnection between you. These conversations teach your kids how to resolve conflict, empower them to make mistakes and repair them and create more emotional safety and connection in your home. A repair conversation has three parts:
And in between, you hold plenty of space for your child to process and respond. I’ll walk you through these three parts in more detail and show you how to have a repair conversation with your kids that actually restores connection and strengthens your relationships. There is no "right" outcome for these conversations. They can be awkward and don't always go smoothly. But, I promise, the benefits outweigh the discomfort. Listen in to learn how so that you’ll be ready the next time you lose your cool. Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn:
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| The Difference Between Mean & Firm [Stop Yelling Series, part 8] | 26 févr. 2026 | 00:27:57 | |
When you say "no" to your kids, do you worry you're being mean? Learn the difference between firm parenting and mean parenting, and how to set confident boundaries without the guilt. In part 8 of the Stop Yelling series, I break down the emotional cues that separate firmness from anger, explore what real consequences sound like, and help you show up as the calm, boundaried mom you want to be. Because staying calm with kids doesn't mean saying yes to everything. You’ll Learn:
Get clear on the difference between being firm and mean and what to do when you’ve actually been mean with your child. ------------------------------------- The Difference Between Being Mean & FirmI want you to know…
Being mean is when you hurt your child’s body. It’s when the moment of holding their arm to protect yourself or others becomes you squeezing too hard, or shoving their body away. Being mean with your mouth is when you personalize your kid’s behavior or mistakes and say something about them as a person. There might be a moment or many moments when you’ve been physical with your child in a way that crossed a line. Or moments when you’ve called your child a mean name. Or lectured them into shutdown mode. Cornered them with your rage.
What To Do When You’ve Been a Mean Mom As you hear me share examples in this episode, you might be flooded with shame and guilt. The way to get out of that shame and guilt is to talk about these moments. To find out what was going on for you in that moment. To be tender enough with yourself that you can say what you did, and ALSO explore what led up to that moment. You can’t change something if you won’t look at it. The best thing you can do is find your firm, strong, leadership voice as a mom. Get clear on what is and what is not allowed in your family. Be firm, without being harsh. I’ll leave you with this quote from one of my clients who said “Firm limits are the shortcut to the behavior you want without making your kid feel like shit in the process”. Yep. Firm, but not mean. You’ve got this. Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn:
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| The 3 Stages of Becoming Calm [Stop Yelling Series, part 7] | 19 févr. 2026 | 00:31:55 | |
One thing moms struggle with is feeling bad about their progress in becoming calm and showing up calm with their kids.
We all know we aren’t at our best when we’re stressed, overwhelmed and reactive. But knowing how to calm down in the moment isn’t always as easy as it sounds. You’ll Learn:
I’m walking you through my 3-step process to catch yourself, pause and get back to feeling calm. --------------------------------------- Why Do I Still Get So Mad?All moms experience really tough parenting moments. Moments when you’ve been stuck in what I call Mad Mom Syndrome You know what I'm talking about.
Then, when you have a mad mom episode and act in a way you don’t think you should, a lot of criticism, guilt, and doubt pours in. You feel bad that you aren’t calm or think you should be getting there faster. But here’s the thing…Becoming calm is a PROCESS. It’s a PRACTICE. It’s something you work on over time. Some days it’s easy, and some days it isn’t. All of that is ok. These types of moments are a clue that you are in your stress cycle and feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Your brain is convinced that the circumstance is an emergency. Then, the brain activates a BIG, INTENSE STRESS RESPONSE. You become super reactive and respond to your children with stress, anxiety, frustration or anger. Then they escalate their stress behaviors and the next thing you know you are in a chaotic argument with your kids. The 3 Stages of Becoming CalmBecoming Calm is a process. It takes time. Be gentle with yourself. When you feel yourself spiraling, CATCH YOURSELF AND PAUSE. This is simple but not easy, and it comes in stages. Stage 1 - The AFTER. When you’re first starting out, you may only catch yourself after you've yelled or gotten upset. Stage 2 - The DURING. After a while, you’ll catch yourself while you are yelling or acting upset. Stage 3 - The BEFORE. Eventually you start to catch yourself before you yell or act out your frustration/overwhelm. This is the goal that you’re working towards. No matter what stage you’re in, to get out of Mad Mom Syndrome and get back to feeling calm, you need the Pause Break. There are also 3 steps to the Pause Break: Step 1: STOP Don't Talk. Don't Engage. You can stop yourself at any point when you notice you are in your stress response and are seeing signs of Mad Mom Syndrome. Step 2: DELAY Don’t decide. Don’t act. Don't do anything about the situation (unless it’s a true emergency). Give yourself time to think and get calm. Step 3: RESET Actively do something to calm your stress response. During a "Reset", you will move your body, your mind or both. Pause is where all of your personal growth happens. It’s the space where change occurs. If you only take one thing away from this episode, I hope it’s this: You can always PAUSE. This process is what it ACTUALLY looks like when you are changing your brain and the way you show up as a parent. Be gentle with yourself, Mama. You’ve got this! Mentioned in this Episode:
Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn:
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| My Go-To Strategy for Getting to CALM [Stop Yelling Series, part 6] | 12 févr. 2026 | 00:24:24 | |
In this episode I’m sharing with you my definition of CALM and giving you my go-to strategy for getting to calm using a tool I call The Pause Break. You’ll Learn:
The Pause Break allows you to access calm, even in the middle of a moment when you feel overwhelmed or angry. ---------------------------------------- Before we get to that, let’s talk about what the absence of calm looks like. I know you’ve been there, and so have I. Get Calm with the Pause BreakShowing up when you aren’t feeling calm looks a little different for everyone, but you might find yourself:
…generally acting in ways you don’t love. When you have a mad mom episode, it’s easy to beat yourself up and tell yourself things like I’m a bad mom or I’m messing up my kids. Which makes you feel guilty, embarrassed, ashamed, frustrated and confused. The more negative thoughts you have, the more defeated, discouraged, and guilty you will feel. And when you feel bad, it’s hard to change your behavior. So you end up yelling again. I call this Mad Mom Syndrome, and it is a vicious cycle of negative thoughts leading to negative feelings leading to negative actions and then back again. So how do you break that cycle? That’s what we’re diving into for these 30 minutes. The Pause Break is the single most important tool I teach. It is where all of your personal growth happens. It’s the space where change occurs. If you only take one thing away from this podcast episode, I hope it’s this: You can always take a PAUSE BREAK. It’s the first, and most important, step towards CALM. Listen to the full episode now for all the details. Related Episodes:
Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn:
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| How Childhood Trauma Shapes Parenting [Stop Yelling Series, part 5] | 05 févr. 2026 | 00:54:20 | |
Today, I’m getting pretty personal about things I experienced in my childhood and how trauma informed my parenting. We’ll also talk about some ways to feel better and heal from traumatic experiences in your past. You’ll Learn:
Please note, this is a really emotional episode, for me and possibly for you listening. If you feel stressed, embarrassed or overwhelmed at any point, please stop reading or listening, and take care of yourself. --------------------------------------- My best friend, Tiffany Howsam, is here with me today. Tiffany is a licensed marriage and family therapist, as well as a certified life coach. We’ve been friends for almost 20 years, and she has created a safe place for me and been a big part of my healing and parenting journey. How Trauma Informed My Parenting When my son Lincoln was 4 years old, he was having major meltdowns, getting in trouble at preschool and being aggressive. And I was screaming all the time. There were times that I felt like a victim, like I was being abused by my son. When I told Tiffany this, she explained that it was not normal to feel this way and that I didn’t have to continue feeling this way. That is when I realized I needed some help. One of the first parenting workshops I attended was also my first experience with inner child work. I realized that when Lincoln was being aggressive, I felt like I was in danger, being attacked. As a result of my adverse childhood experiences, I never really felt safe in my body, environment or relationships. Everything always felt dangerous, so I was constantly seeking security and a sense of control. I tried to find the rules of how I was supposed to live, and it often showed up as perfectionism. I wanted to crack the code on everything - figure it out so I could do it “right” and be safe. This trauma also showed up for me in the form of eating disorders, people pleasing and a high sense of vigilance, When I had kids, there were so many decisions to make, and I didn’t feel like I knew the right answer to any of them. And when it came to behavior, I didn’t know how to not yell at them. So I’d yell. Then I’d feel ashamed and beat myself up, tell myself that they were bad. When you don’t have good parents, you actually don’t know what else to do. There’s no template to follow. As parents, we can have the best intentions. Then, we’re triggered and an old wound or stress response comes back up, and we’re in it, doing the thing we don’t want to do. There are so many things I went through that I wanted to protect my kids from. I made their emotional health my #1 parenting goal, which meant that I lowered my standards in other areas. I just wanted them to feel safe and held and cared for. How I’m Healing From Childhood Trauma There are several choices I made and strategies I used over the past 15-ish years to help me out of the trauma response, overreactivity and toxic stress. A lot of my childhood stress came from growing up in an unpredictable environment. When I was a kid, I never knew what was happening. There was so much confusion, and nobody talked to me about it. As a mom, I became really focused on not having chaos in our family. I wanted everything to be simple and flow smoothly. When my kids were young I was doing a lot of healing work, and I needed routines to support me. I did a lot of work on my mental health, through journaling, therapy and other people in my life who I could trust. I learned all I could about parenting. I read books, attended classes and workshops, completed workbooks and put a lot of time and energy into it. Then I combined all I’d learned about parenting with skills I’d used to work on my mental health to coach my kids through their feelings. I practiced being more honest with my kids, narrating circumstances and helping them name the emotions (what I now call the Connection Tool). When I think about the things that have healed me, it’s radical listening, radical honesty, radical self-love and radical action. I’m willing to be honest with myself, trust my love for myself, listen to what I’m saying and then take new action. Tiffany thinks of this as showing up for yourself how you want to show up for your kids. I see it as showing up the way you wish adults had shown up for you. How You Can Heal From Trauma Our bodies and behavior give us clues when we are not well. If you find yourself being aggressive, yelling, being physical, emotionally checking out, looking at your phone all the time, not paying attention…these are all signs that something is off. But instead of jumping to self-judgment, we can have compassion for ourselves and get curious about where it’s coming from. What is happening underneath? What are you protecting yourself from or running away from? What are you trying to create that is lacking? Be gentle with yourself, Mama. Doing something new is not easy. Learn to speak to yourself kindly. Bring gentle curiosity to how your childhood might be showing up in parenting and in other strategies you use in your life. Then, get some support from a therapist or through one of my parenting programs. Find someone who can give you a different perspective, awareness and the support to work through it. It is never too late to start working on this stuff - to figure out how you want to parent and work on your mental health and stress so that you can show up the way you want to. Resources:
Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn:
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| Understanding and Nurturing Your Nervous System [Stop Yelling Series, part 4] | 29 janv. 2026 | 00:31:52 | |
In order to feel less stressed (and stop yelling), you've got to learn to understand and care for your nervous system. You’ll Learn:
I’m zooming out to talk about the bigger picture of your entire central nervous system. And I’ll show you how you can use your own nervous system to calm yourself more quickly. ------------------------------------------- Your Nervous System ExplainedThere are two main parts of your nervous system. The first is your sympathetic nervous system. You might also have heard this talked about as your fight/flight/freeze/faint/fawn response). The second part is your parasympathetic nervous system, which includes the vagus nerve. The two parts work together to help you respond to stressful situations and then decrease that stress response, kinda like a teeter totter. One is activated at a time, while the other is decreased. Think of your nervous system as an information highway running through your body at all times. It takes in information through your senses and tells the brain how to respond to what you are experiencing. Neurons (brain cells) carry this message all throughout your body. If your brain interprets any of this information as dangerous, it triggers your stress response and activates the sympathetic nervous system. To your brain, a threat can be something like a kid spitting in your face or getting a bad grade or spilling juice all over the table. Stress juice floods your body, giving you the oomph to respond to the danger. When your stress response is activated, there is a period of time where you aren’t able to regulate your nervous system. When that threat has passed, you start to come back online and your parasympathetic nervous system comes into play. The parasympathetic nervous system is your best friend when it comes to managing your stress response. It has its own network of nerves and helps relax your body after periods of stress or danger. It typically activates on its own after a stressor, but when we have triggers coming at us all the time (like in parenting life), it gets weakened and doesn’t respond as well. That’s why you need tools to reset the system on your own. When we talk about calm and taking pause breaks to reset, the parasympathetic nervous system is the piece that we’re resetting. Chronic Stress Your stress response is healthy and necessary. But often, our brains misinterpret things (like spilled juice being a life-or-death emergency). Parenting is a lot. What ends up happening is that you have a lot of demands and stressors coming at you one after the next, and you don't always have enough time to recover from them. This causes us to be chronically stressed. We constantly have stress juice pouring through our bodies, and it makes it really difficult to stay calm. This is what’s going on when you find yourself getting angry and annoyed about every single thing your kid does. You’ve probably been in an activated stress response for a while, so you are dysregulated. As a mom, you’re dealing with stressors all day long, especially if you have more than one kid. But there are little breaks in between. Our goal is to practice getting ourselves into the parasympathetic nervous system so that we can more easily recover from stress. We want that teeter totter to go easily up and down so that we flow smoothly between the two states of stress and non-stress. The way to do this is to intentionally activate your parasympathetic nervous system in times of calm. This helps strengthen the response so it’s easier for you to access when you do get stressed. Strengthening the Parasympathetic Nervous System Regulating your nervous system is like digestion - stress juice comes up and it’s got to get out somehow. The best way to do this is to preset or reset your nervous system most days through rhythm, relationship or reward. In general, I think the best thing is taking 20 minutes of movement a day. If you don’t have a 20-minute chunk of time, the goal is still to focus on soothing yourself, but those 20 minutes can be spread throughout your day. Some of my favorite stress reset exercises take less than a minute to do, but it’s enough to let your nervous system see that you’re safe and okay. Some examples of resets during your day include:
I also encourage you to reframe the time you spend doing these reset activities. You’re not ignoring your kids. This is also parenting. You’re recharging so that you show up the way you want to as a mom. The cool thing is that your kids will probably start doing it with you, and they’ll learn to reset their own nervous systems from a young age. Your stress response isn’t going away (and we don’t want it to). What I want for you is to not get stuck there. You don't have to stay stressed and activated all the time. I hope you’ll spend time this week thinking about your nervous system and taking care of it as much as you can. Go for walks, connect with other adults, nurture healthy sleep habits, spend time in nature and be KIND to yourself. Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn:
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| 3 Ways to Get Out of the Parenting Stress Cycle [Stop Yelling Series, part 3] | 22 janv. 2026 | 00:34:57 | |
I want to let you in on a little secret. You don’t yell because there’s something wrong with you (or your kids). You yell as a response to stress and what your brain perceives as a threatening situation. In this episode, I’m talking about the stress cycle - what it looks like, why it happens and how it shows up in your parenting. You’ll Learn:
But it’s not healthy for us to live in a state of chronic stress. Let’s break the cycle. ------------------------------------ Before we get into the details, I want you to first imagine walking your dog at night and seeing a pack of coyotes. They start chasing you. Your brain activates the stress response, quickly assesses the threat and decides that you should RUN. You get back home, come in and close the door. You are technically safe, but your body doesn’t know that yet. It still has all of the stress juice running through your system. Once you are inside and safe, it’s time to deal with the stress that has accumulated in your body. You do that by getting your breath back, telling someone what happened, getting a hug, shaking, crying. Stress cycle complete. YAY! Now imagine that instead you come inside, but before you get a chance to deal with the stress juice, there is a new stressor. You walk into the house and your kids are arguing and your husband is yelling at them. Then you head to the kitchen and notice the dishes piled in the sink and there isn’t any meat thawed for dinner. Stressful situations keep popping up and the stress juice continues building up inside you. 2 key parts of the stress cycleNotice that there are two parts of the story above: the actual threat of the coyotes and what happens after. The stressor. The stressor is the external situation that is happening around you. This can look like your child screaming, crying, being aggressive, arguing with you, peppering you with questions, blaming you for things, etc. The stress response. This is the stress juice. It’s a sort of chemical cocktail of hormones and neurochemicals that course through your body and create your stress response. And it’s not a bad thing. It helps us respond to our environment and keep ourselves safe. But it’s not healthy for us to live in a state of chronic stress. When stress juice builds up in you and isn’t released, it can make you more reactive, less effective and clouds your thinking. The problem many parents face is that we are constantly surrounded by stressors, but we don't give ourselves a chance to release the stress juice and reset. Sometimes, we don’t even realize that stress is building up inside of us. We think we’re handling things well until something unexpectedly sends us over the edge. Parenting stress cyclesThink about some of the stressors above. If you were out in the world and another adult was screaming at you or being aggressive toward you, it would likely mean that you are in a threatening situation and that you need to do something to protect yourself. So when your kid is screaming, crying or complaining, your brain can’t tell the difference. It thinks you’re being attacked, and your stress response is activated. Aggressive behavior isn’t the only thing that triggers us, though. You might also notice yourself reacting to things like dilly dallying, rudeness, bad grades or your kid just being grumpy. These behaviors activate us because we feel we’re being threatened not physically, but socially. As a community-based species, we fear rejection from others. The type of threat might be different, but your stress response works the same way. The cycle usually looks something like this: Behavior → Reaction → Guilt → Nothing Changes → Same Behavior → Reaction → Guilt 3 ways to get out of the parenting stress cycleThere are a couple of places where we can interrupt the parenting stress cycle. #1: Decrease the stressors One of the best ways to create less misbehavior (and therefore fewer stressors) is to teach your kids better ways to deal with their feelings. To give them the tools to know what they’re feeling, how to talk about those feelings and what to do with their feelings in ways that don’t cause problems. Creating routines and setting better limits also decrease stressors by removing some of the friction around regular, everyday things. #2: Deal with your stress juice The more frequently you reset your stress juice, the less it builds up over time. This is where the Pause Break and Calm Mama Break come in. Think of it as stress hygiene. #3: Reframing behavior Often we add meaning to a behavior, and this creates even more stress. We regret not doing things differently, feel fear around what the behavior means for our kid’s future or look for someone to blame. If you can think about the behavior differently, you will feel less stressed about it. This week, I want you to practice noticing when you are in a stress cycle. And instead of judging yourself for it, get curious about why you got so stressed in the first place. Noticing is step 1. Next week, we’ll get into more tools on how to break out of your stress cycle. Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn:
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| Stop Trying to “Fix” Your Kid’s Feelings [Stop Yelling Series, part 2] | 15 janv. 2026 | 00:34:45 | |
“Fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” is a phrase I use often in my coaching. When you say it out loud, it captures that feeling we have as parents when our kids behave in a way that leaves us feeling overwhelmed, angry or worried. In this episode,you’ll learn:
What I hope you take away from this episode is it's actually good for kids to feel upset and have you be okay with their feelings. You do not need to fix your kid’s feelings. You only need to acknowledge them. ---------------------------------------- "Fix it, change it, stop it, solve it" is an emotional and physical response to what our kids are doing, and our brain jumps in and tries to fix, change, stop or solve the situation. Your Kid’s Big Feelings The most common time I see parents experience this reaction is during a Big Feeling Cycle. When your kid has big feelings, they might express them in ways that are overwhelming to you. The tendency is often to try to shut down their behavior. But because that behavior is a reaction to how they’re feeling, we end up shutting down their feelings, too. The problem with jumping in to fix/change/stop/solve is that you miss an opportunity to connect with your kids and to help them connect with themselves and learn how to process their own negative emotion. What “Fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” Looks Like Here are some things I see parents do when they don’t like the way their child is expressing their emotion.
Minimizing. When our kids are upset, we want to say, “Oh honey, it’s not that big of a deal. It’ll work out.” This sounds like a nice thing to say, but your child is left feeling like you don’t understand. It feels like a really big deal to them. We want to validate the emotion and acknowledge the intensity of their feelings instead of minimizing it.
Comparing. This looks like, “This sort of thing happens all the time,” or, “Other kids don’t complain about this,” or “This wasn’t a big deal to your brother.” It happens when you think their feelings aren’t warranted or justified. We’re trying to get them to think and feel differently but, again, we’re doing it by shutting down their feelings.
Ignoring. There might be times when you need to take a break to calm yourself before dealing with a situation. Ignoring is different. This is another way of shutting your kid down, and it makes them feel unheard, unfelt, unseen and unvaluable. Your child might think, “Mom only wants to talk to me when I’m happy.” Talking about their feelings is how they’ll learn to deal with them.
Weaponizing gratitude. Gratitude is an incredible emotion. I love it. Weaponizing gratitude is when we use it to bypass negative emotion. You cannot get rid of sadness by thinking grateful thoughts. We have to feel the sadness (or anger or worry) and acknowledge it before we allow the brain to find another perspective.
Indulging. Sometimes, you might try to change the circumstance to make your kid feel better. Maybe you tell them they can skip practice or promise to go get ice cream afterwards. Instead of letting them feel upset, indulging tries to give them a positive feeling so they forget about the uncomfortable feeling.
Logic-ing. This looks like giving lots of facts, trying to logic them out of their feelings or explaining why the situation is their fault. Facts are facts, but giving people more information doesn’t solve feelings. We can’t think our way to a new feeling. We have to feel our way through it.
Shutting them down. When your emotion (anger, fear, sadness) gets bigger or more intense than your child’s, it’s common to try to shut them down. You have a big reaction to their big feelings. This often shows up as yelling or other big noises or movements to try to shift your kid’s behavior. It triggers fear, freeze or faint response or people-pleasing. It might work in the short-term, but it isn’t effective in helping your child become an emotionally healthy and self-regulated person. What your child actually needs from you is co-regulation. They need help soothing their big feelings. They need somebody to recognize and acknowledge that their feelings are valid.
I know you might be thinking, “Oh no, I do all of these things.” Believe me when I tell you that I am so familiar with them because I’ve done them all myself. We do these things with the best of intentions. We want to protect our kids and ourselves. There’s no need for guilt. It’s an opportunity to notice what you are doing and try a different approach. What to Do with Big Feelings Here are a few alternate strategies to try. Take them one at a time (not all at once) and see what works.
Name it. Help your child name the feeling. This is a huge part of emotional literacy, which is made up of: I know what I’m feeling. I know how to talk about it. I know what to do with the feeling.
Move it. Rhythmic body movement regulates our nervous system. It brings our brain back to balance and lessens the intensity of the emotion.
Show it. Ask your child to act out their feeling. How big is it? They can show you with their face, their body, on paper or with a toy. This helps take something that feels really complicated on the inside and puts in on the outside.
Describe it. What color is the feeling? Is it heavy? Is it tight? Is it in your belly? Is it sinking? Is it a buzzy feeling? Is it a hot, burning feeling? Is it murky or is it clear? Describing feelings using adjectives is incredibly powerful. Then you can play with and manipulate the feeling. Can you change it to a different color? Can you take that tightness and pop it like a balloon?
Distract it. We still want to name and acknowledge the emotion first with this strategy. But sometimes, we just get stuck. We need to go outside, look around, have a snack or a hug to shift gears. What I hope you take away from this episode is it's actually good for kids to feel upset and have you be okay with their feelings.
When they see that you can handle their emotion, they learn that they can handle it, too. That their feelings aren’t scary. Feelings come and go, and it’s not a problem. You do not need to fix your kid’s feelings. You only need to acknowledge them. Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn:
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| What Misbehavior Really Means [Stop Yelling Series, pt. 1] | 08 janv. 2026 | 00:38:46 | |
Today I’m talking about misbehavior and the #1 reason it is so hard for parents. Misbehavior creates a lot of conflict in families. It’s one of the main reasons parents yell. You’ll Learn:
If you’ve ever thought “If they would just listen and stop acting out, I wouldn’t have to yell!” this episode is for you! ----------------------------------------- Maybe your brain has offered you the solution of getting your kids to behave better by having more rules and more limits and more consequences. By being more strict. Many parents think the answer to misbehavior is in having better routines, or being more consistent, or being more firm. The problem with this solution is that it doesn’t address the roots of misbehavior. In this episode, I’m sharing why it’s so triggering and upsetting for you, and some concrete and practical steps to handling misbehavior without resorting to lecturing, avoiding, yelling, threatening or shaming. Surprise! It all starts in your brain. As a parent, your child’s behavior often activates your stress response. Your brain wants to INTERPRET your kid’s behavior as a DANGER to your physical or emotional safety. It will TRICK you into thinking that your kid’s behavior is a threat to you. It will tell you that you need to protect yourself. Get bigger. Get louder. Fight back. Run away. And that can make it hard to remain calm. But when you can understand what’s driving the behavior and view it as an opportunity rather than a problem, you can head off the stress response and feel more calm in the situation. Related Episodes:
Free Resources: Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn:
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| Action Plans that Stick [Goal Setting Series, part 3] | 01 janv. 2026 | 00:29:56 | |
Today’s episode is the final installment of a series on setting (and achieving!) your goals. This week, we’re talking about making an action plan - one that you’ll actually follow through on. In this episode, I’m walking you through how to tackle a goal that is challenging for a lot of moms - simplifying weeknight dinners. You’ll Learn:
If you missed either of the previous episodes, go back and listen to the first two episodes about defining your goal and solving for obstacles. And be sure to grab the free workbook here. ----------------------------------------- I once read that former Secretary of State, Madeline Albright, decided to go back to college when she had three small children. She did all of her schoolwork while in the car waiting for them at pickup. Proof that big goals are achieved through manageable, consistent actions. Throughout this series, I’ve used the example of my own 2026 goal to publish a book to illustrate this goal process. Today, I’m tackling a goal that is a little more relatable for most moms - simplifying weeknight dinners. 3 Steps to Defining Your PlanStep 1: Do a brain dump Start by rewriting your goal, so you’ll keep it top of mind. Then, write down anything you can think of that will help you make progress toward your goal. What are all the things you could do in order to make your goal happen? Brain dumps are the time to get EVERYTHING out on paper. There are no bad ideas in this stage. No editing, just brainstorming. Think about what will keep you accountable, too. When I started my podcast, one of my action items was to share my goal with others. Don’t keep your goal a secret. When other people know what you’re working toward, they can check in and cheer you on. Step 2: Choose your first small step Emphasis on SMALL. The goal here is to start taking action without getting overwhelmed. Taking the first step will help you build momentum to keep going. When in doubt, start small - small, simple actions, small chunks of time. These are much easier to stick to than big, lofty goals that leave you with a feeling of dread. Step 3: Chunk your goal into phases There are a few phases that are common to most goals. They’ll look different depending on what you’re working toward, but the overall concept is the same. In the beginning of a goal, you probably won’t be sure what to do or which approaches will work best for you. There’s a lot to figure out, and your actions will take longer at the beginning. As you continue taking action, you’ll build routines and momentum, until your goal starts to feel easy.
Example: Making Weeknight Dinners The goal: I want weeknight dinners to feel calm and less chaotic. Step 1: Do a brain dump
Step 2: Choose your first small step This could be something as simple as choosing three dinners and writing them on a sticky note. Pick meals that you already know how to make and that your family likes. Step 3: Chunk your goal into phases
Making Time for Your Goal The final part of your action plan is figuring out when, where, and how you are going to do your plan. Get specific! We talked about overcoming time obstacles in episode 205, so go back and review if you need to. Check your capacity. How much time are you going to spend on your goal? You can think about this in terms of how much time you have or how much time you think you need to make the progress you want. Do a time audit. Find the gaps in your day where you can work on your goal. Then, commit to it! Make sure nothing and nobody gets in the way. Put it on your calendar. Make an appointment with yourself, and keep it the same way you would keep any other appointment. Commit to your goal the same way you commit to your job or volunteering at the school or keeping a lunch date with a friend. Decide where you will work on your goal. Will you need certain materials that you can keep set up in a certain place? One of my hacks for an exercise goal is doing my workouts in front of the tv. It makes it feel more fun. Adjust as you go. If the space that you create isn’t working for you, that’s okay. If you decide to work on your goal after the kids go to bed, but you find that you’re always really tired by that time of night, try another time. Pivot and figure out a new solution. You can always make a new plan. Have fun! If your goal feels heavy and like something you’d rather avoid, you’re not very likely to stick with your action plan. How can you make it fun? Turning on some music is one that works well for me. Or commit to a very short period of time, like 10 minutes. If you want to keep going after that, great! If not, you’ve still made some progress. I want to leave you with a few final reminders… Your goal does not have to be lofty. It just needs to be meaningful for you. You are capable. You have already overcome so many other things. You've achieved so much in your life. Women are incredible. We can achieve so much when we get committed to it. Today, I challenge you to think of the smallest step you can take toward your goal. And do it! Resources:
Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn:
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| Defining & Overcoming Obstacles [Goal Setting Series, part 2] | 25 déc. 2025 | 00:31:35 | |
Welcome to part 2 of the Goal Setting Series! Last week, I walked you through how to figure out what you want and clearly define your goal. Today, we’re talking about defining and overcoming obstacles on the way to your goal. I’ll share some common obstacles, as well as really tangible strategies to help you overcome them. You’ll Learn:
Obstacles are inevitable whenever you are achieving something big (or even something small). By preparing for setbacks, you’ll be less likely to get discouraged and thrown off course. If you haven’t already grabbed your copy of the free Goals Workbook, click here to get it and follow along. --------------------------------------------- I’m using my 2026 goal of publishing a book as an example throughout this series. This is a goal I’ve wanted to achieve for a long time, and I have PLENTY of evidence of the obstacles that have prevented me from achieving this goal in the past. Common Obstacles to Achieving a GoalThere are 5 obstacles that I’ve seen come up in myself and others over and over again. They are:
The good news is that these are all solvable! You just have to be committed and have some helpful tools and strategies ready to go. Obstacle #1: BeliefYour thoughts about yourself, your goal, and what's possible for you play a major role in whether or not you achieve your goals. We know that thoughts lead to feelings, which lead to action. That means that if you don’t have belief in yourself and your goal, you’re way less likely to take the actions needed to achieve it. Some of the negative thoughts that creep up can be sneaky. Watch out for ones like:
Just because these thoughts pop up, it doesn’t mean they’re true! Strategies to Build Belief This first strategy is one of my favorites, and I do it often. I call it an “I love you” letter. Sit down and write yourself an encouraging letter, as if your best friend is talking to you. Or your purest core Self that is full of love for you. (You can hear me read one of my old I love you letters to myself in the full episode). The next strategy goes back to last week’s episode and your “why”. When you reconnect with the true reason you want your goal, it often inspires you to action. Another way to build belief is to create an evidence log. When you think that your goal is impossible, your brain will start looking for evidence that that is true. Instead, practice looking for evidence that what you want IS possible, and write it down. Here are some ways to find that evidence:
These bits of evidence do not have to be directly related to your goal. You’re just building a body of proof that you can succeed. For example, my goal is to publish a book. Some of my evidence includes times I wanted to (and did) graduate from college, start a podcast, build a profitable business, improve my marriage, and eat healthy. As you add to your log, I know that you’ll end up with plenty of evidence that you are a person who is capable of achieving her goals. You can also use this strategy if you are struggling with impostor syndrome or thoughts like, “I’m not smart enough,” “I’m not good enough,” etc. Focus on positive personality traits like, “I am a person who doesn't quit. Even if I've quit before I've come back to it,” or “I am a person who likes to work hard.“ Decide that you are good enough, and look for evidence of that being true. Obstacle #2: KnowledgeThe truth is that, sometimes, you really just don’t know what to do. Or you don’t have the information or skills to make your goal happen (yet). When I started my business, I got trained in a bunch of different parenting philosophies. Then a few years later, I went through life coaching certification. When I wanted to start this podcast, I had to do some research and took an online course. The solution to this one is super practical. When you are lacking knowledge, it means that you have to invest in yourself, education, and resources that you need in order to fill that knowledge gap. Obstacle #3: QuittingQuitting is probably the #1 obstacle to achieving your goals. We’ve all done it. You just stop working on it. You can always overcome quitting by starting again. You can un-quit whenever you want. It’s a decision you can make at any time. It's not that big of a deal to quit and then say, “Oh well, I quit, but now I'm going to go back.” Tell yourself, “I love quitting AND I love starting again.” Obstacle #4: TimeThis is a huge obstacle for most of us. And the solution is really in the planning. You not only have to figure out what you need to do to achieve your goal; You also have to get clear on when you’re going to do it. None of us has an infinite amount of time (or energy and mental capacity). These limitations are real. So when you want to achieve a goal, you will probably have to sacrifice in some other area. You can look at overcoming the time obstacle in 2 different ways:
I recommend starting with a time audit. (You’ll find a template for this in the workbook.) Look at your week or a couple of weeks and write down how you are spending your time. As you review your audit, you’ll probably find some chunks of discretionary time that are available. This helps you create a sort of time budget. Depending on the approach you’re taking, you’ll find out:
You may discover that you do not have enough available time to take the actions you want toward your goal. This means that you’ll have to get rid of some things in order to create more time. This goes back to the prioritizing that we talked about in last week’s episode. This is what happened to me when I really started looking at creating focused time to work on my book. I found some areas of life and business that were taking up a lot of time, and I made some decisions:
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| Defining Your Goals (Goal Setting for Moms, part 1) | 18 déc. 2025 | 00:28:38 | |
Are you already thinking about things that you want to achieve or create in 2026? For me, it’s publishing my book (eek!). In that spirit, today kicks off a brand-new 3-part series all about getting what you want, prioritizing yourself and your goals, and making good things happen. We’re starting at the beginning - defining your goals. Because you can’t get what you want if you don’t know what it is! You’ll Learn:
This episode will show you how to figure out what you want and define it in a specific, real, and accessible way. Click here to get the free goal-setting workbook. --------------------------------------- How To Reach Your GoalsThroughout this series, I’m walking you through the 4 main steps I take when I am working toward a goal. This has worked for me to build my business, start a podcast, and achieve many other things in my life. Here are the 4 steps:
I’ll go into each step in much more detail, but here is what you need to know upfront. In order to take action and achieve your goal, you have to prioritize your goal. You have to commit, to say “yes” to your goal and your action plan over and over again. And in order to prioritize one thing, you will have to deprioritize other things. The truth is that you have a limited amount of time available to you. If you want to give more time to your goal, you’ll have to make some difficult decisions about where your time is going. Now, let’s take the first step and define your goal. Defining Your GoalHere are 3 strategies (and a fun bonus exercise) to help you get clear on your goal. I’ll use my goal of publishing a book as an example as we go through this process. Goal GuidelinesMake it specific. If your goal is too generic (e.g. I want to lose weight), it can be hard to make a clear plan, stay committed, or to even know if you’ve reached the goal. My current goal is to publish my book before the end of 2026. There are two things that make this goal specific for me. One is the timeline. The other is a shift in wording from “writing” a book to “publishing” a book. Why is this important? Because I have had the goal of writing my book many times. I actually have written the book many times in many forms. But I have never actually sent a draft to the publisher (even though I have one ready and waiting). I have been NOT doing this for 3 years now. I have a lot of fears and overwhelm around this goal, so I have continued to put it off and prioritize other things. No more. So get specific.
And give yourself a timeline. WHEN do you want to have achieved your goal? Make it manageable. Your goal doesn’t have to be something grandiose. In order for you to take action, it has to feel possible. Listen, I want you to have a big vision for your life. I also know that, for me, if the goal is too big, I often can’t quite see the path to get there. When your goal feels manageable and realistic, you’ll be less overwhelmed and more likely to actually take the first (and next) steps. Know Your “Why”This is the reason you want your goal. Reaching a big goal is challenging. It's hard. You have to put in continued effort. And when obstacles come up, you need a reason to keep going. If you don't know why you want something or how it's going to benefit you or what it's going to create in you, you are probably not going to be able to stay committed to it. For me, publishing this book feeds into my bigger purpose of healing the next generation in advance. But your why doesn’t have to be about some big higher calling. Another one of my whys is simply that I’m sick of talking about publishing this book 😂. I’m tired of not having achieved this. It’s time. Maybe you want to do something just because it will make you happy. There is no right answer. It’s about what feels right to you and will keep you committed to your goal. Use Your ImaginationThink about what it will be like when you achieve your goal. Imagine how it will feel. Maybe it’s peaceful, connected, satisfied, joyful, or content. Try that feeling on and practice it. Act as if it’s already done, you achieved what you set out to do. My vision looks like me sitting at my desk, holding a hard copy of my book in my hand. I look around at the books in my office and think, “What if that was my book?” It brings feelings of joy, satisfaction, and even relief. I feel excited about building momentum toward other books I already have in mind to write in the future. You might imagine making that first sale in your new business, sitting on a comfy couch in your updated living room, or looking amazing in your bathing suit. Notice what emotions come up. If there are negative emotions and doubts mixed in there, that’s okay. We’ll talk about those when we go deeper into dealing with obstacles later in this series. Not Sure What You Want?Something I’ve noticed over many years of working with parents is that it can be hard to even think about what you want while you’re raising kids. When you’re in the midst of parenting, it can feel like there is no room in your mind for it. This week, I challenge you to do a little dreaming. Here’s a fun exercise you can use to guide you. I call it the Dream Download, and it gives you a chance to uncover some of those deeper desires that might lie within you. Essentially, you're going to make a list of all the things that you want to achieve either this year or anytime in the future. There are no rules, and you don't have to be realistic or practical. Just dream. Try to list 5 things. Then push yourself to 10 to 15 to 20. What do you want to create for yourself? Keep digging into your soul and finding what is in there. Then, look at your list and choose 1 or 2 things you want to accomplish this year. Get specific about what that looks like, and define the goal. Mama, you deserve to dream. And once you know you want, you’re 1 step closer to making it come true! You’ll Learn:
Resources:
Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn:
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| Trauma Informed Parenting With Jamie Finn | 11 déc. 2025 | 00:51:38 | |
When a kid has experienced trauma, their nervous system often fires in ways that are unpredictable, intense, and challenging. Today, my guest Jamie C. Finn is sharing trauma-informed parenting techniques to help you and your child be better regulated. You’ll Learn:
We cover a lot of ground in this conversation, really drilling down to what it means to be a mom. Whether your child has experience trauma or not, I know you’ll love this episode! -------------------------------------- I invited Jamie to the podcast because she is a foster parent, an adoptive parent, and a parent of children she has birthed (7 kids total!). And she has a lot of experience raising kids who are neurodivergent and have a history of trauma. We cover a lot of ground in this conversation, really drilling down to what it means to be a mom. Jamie C. Finn has written 3 books: Foster the Family, Filled, and God Loves Kids. She is also the founder and president of Foster the Family, a national nonprofit that serves vulnerable children and the families welcoming them, as well as the founder of the Filled Gathering, the largest gathering of foster and adoptive moms in the world. Meet Jamie C. Finn Jamie’s family started out as something pretty conventional, but has grown into so much more. 11 years ago, she and her husband had 2 kids - one boy, one girl - living the American dream. Today, they have 7 children ranging in age from 2 to almost 17, including 4 kids that they adopted through foster care, and 1 in a current foster placement. She says it became a life of “keeping our doors open to kids who need us.” She came from a background of conservative, traditional, gospel-centered Christian parenting. And while Jamie still draws heavily from her faith and religion, her approach has changed drastically over the years. The first parent training she ever went to was very authoritarian, and she was immediately uncomfortable with the strategies she was being taught. But Jamie’s first trauma-informed training opened her eyes to a whole new way of thinking about her kids and their behavior. She was amazed to learn that a trauma-informed approach also worked with her biological child who struggled with ADHD and anxiety. She says, “This isn't just about trauma. This is about seeing our kids’ brains and meeting our kids where they are.” It’s not about getting immediate obedience. It’s more like saying, “My heart is for you and I'm with you and I want you to be able to succeed in obedience.” She’s now been on a journey for the past 11 years of learning to love and parent her children well and helping other families to do the same. The Power of Curiosity When I looked up “trauma-informed parenting”, I found that it was “based on the concept that behaviors are often windows into underlying emotions or unmet needs.” And I thought, well that just sounds like human-informed parenting to me. To some extent, Jamie agrees. She says that she doesn’t change the way she parents based on whether a kid has experienced trauma or not. She still wants to understand the need and how she can help them meet it. However, she believes that the curiosity goes deeper in a trauma-informed approach, especially when you don’t have the child’s full history. She says, “It leads to curiosity, which leads to generosity, which leads to meeting that need.” This curiosity can almost be harder to access with neurotypical, biological kids. It’s easier to expect them to have it all together. But even if their story, brain, and biology are typical, there are triggers that come up from their hormones, diet, school, schedule, friendships, sleep, etc. There is still plenty of room for curiosity about what is behind the behavior. I like to think of it as the journey to compassion. Judgment >> Neutrality >> Curiosity >> Compassion Curiosity always comes before compassion. It’s looking for a genuine answer to “Why are you acting this way?” Jamie says that “our kids usually can’t answer [that question]. That’s why it’s our job to be little detectives.” Is it coming from something that happened at school today, last week, or from a trauma in their story that happened 10 years ago? Even when you can’t find the answer, Jamie says, ask yourself, “How can I look at them as a full person who needs compassion right now?” Trauma-Informed Parenting Tools The thing about trauma is that it actually rewires the brain. It makes the parts of the brain that are reactive bigger and more reactive. And it makes the parts that are thoughtful and do good planning and thinking smaller and less potent. Essentially, the brain is wired to get afraid and activated and stay that way. I like to use the visual of a cup with the liquid being stress. A neurotypical, non-trauma kid has some liquid in their cup, but there’s still some room. Someone with neurodivergence or a history of trauma has a cup that stays pretty full, so when you add a stressor or stimulation, it overflows easily. As a result, it takes a lot more work to keep the nervous system regulated. And it’s also much more important to stay regulated. Jamie says that learning about trauma-informed parenting changed the way she parents ALL of her kids. Ultimately, it comes down to regulation. The tools she uses don’t necessarily depend on whether the child has experienced trauma or not. They’re more geared toward the age of the kid and what works for each individual. One simple tip is that Jamie likes to use the word “dysregulated” with her kids, rather than labeling a specific emotion. She says, “It is easy to be defensive of the idea that you're in a bad mood or you're being mean or you're angry.” Using the word “dysregulated” tends to bring those defenses down a bit. In my family, we tend to use the word “overwhelmed” in this same way. It’s more like, “Let’s take a minute. I want to help you calm down.” Staying Regulated as a Mom Your kid’s trauma or neurodivergence doesn’t just affect them. Jamie says, “All of your kid’s triggers are now your triggers,” because you are now managing your kids and their stressors and triggers. And that keeps your stress cup brimming, as well. It increases your cortisol levels, changes your brain chemistry, and keeps you more activated. When you’re not having a “typical” experience of motherhood, it can feel really hard. You feel different because your experience literally is different. It often feels like no one understands - teachers, playgroups, even parent educators. You’re not crazy. The work is objectively harder. You have to work harder at calming yourself and calming your child. Jamie says that parenting 7 kids has been a journey. She’s fallen on her face, dragged herself back up, and realized that something needed to change. One insight I love was when she said, “The expectation can't be that the kids are going to be the ones who are going to change. It needs to be me.” She realized that she needed to do something about her stress level because her kids were hijacking her nervous system every 5 seconds. She realized that she needed to take care of herself in every way - mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually - so that she could show up for her kids. She says, “When I show up for this 125% job at 50%, it's just not going to work.” Now, Jamie says, “For me to stay regulated is far easier than for me to become dysregulated and then have to reregulate.” She thinks of it like a prescription. Some daily actions that help are getting plenty of sleep, going for a daily walk, and reading her bible. She also goes to therapy and spends time with “her people”. Jamie says it was a huge pressure, but she knew that if she wasn’t regulated, her children would stay in their dysregulated states forever. Once she started seeing herself as the cornerstone, it became clear what needed to change. And the change has been dramatic. Jamie says that the true difference, now that the focus is on regulation rather than obedience, is “we don’t have a home of chaos. Yeah, we have a home of individuals who struggle in different ways at different times. And then we come back down and we have a home of peace and joy.” Creating a Rhythm of CareJamie explains that when you have trauma and dysregulation in your home, it can leave you feeling completely out of control. You become a victim to everything going on around you. But you actually have the power to change the dynamic in your home. There are SO many great regulation strategies out there, but often 1 or 2 things work best for an individual. Jamie and I agree that a great place to start is, “move your body, move your mind”. And the good news is that all of these strategies build on each other. One small thing can help you feel a little better, have a little more capacity and energy. The more often you come back to a regulated baseline, the longer you’ll be able to stay there. Making one choice, doing one good thing for yourself, makes it easier to make more good choices. And once you get into a rhythm, something like your daily walk, morning journal, or... | |||
| Regulation Strategies for Kids with Jeanette Yoffe | 04 déc. 2025 | 01:09:40 | |
Today’s guest is so special to me, because she is the person who taught me how to become the parent I am today. She’s basically my Darlynn. I’m so excited to introduce you to Jeanette Yoffe, who is here to talk about regulation strategies for kids. You’ll Learn:
We’re sharing our favorite simple strategies to help kids deal with their big feelings. You’re gonna love it! ----------------------------------- Jeanette Yoffe is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She's an adoptee, and she focuses on kids who have experienced trauma, attachment disruption, been in the foster care system, or were adopted. In addition to her direct work with families, she has an amazing book out called The Traumatized and At Risk Youth Toolbox, which includes 160 different therapeutic exercises that anyone can do to help kids process their big feelings. I first met Jeanette when Lincoln (my oldest son) was almost 5 years old. At that time, I was so desperate to be a good parent and not be a rageful mom and fuck up my kid. I truly think of her as an angel that came into my life at exactly the right time. She was our family’s therapist, and she introduced me to an entirely new framework for parenting and relating to my kids. Meet Jeanette Yoffe Jeanette loves all kids, but her heart is truly with foster children. She says that a lot of the work she does now comes from trying to be what she needed as a kid. Jeanette first went into therapy herself when she was a 13-year-old with suicidal ideation. For the first 15 months of her life, she lived with her birth family, but it was deemed unsafe for her to stay with her mother, who was struggling with mental illness. Then, she spent 6 ½ years in foster care in 3 different homes. Finally, she was placed in another home to be adopted at the age of 7 ½. She says, “Those frequent moves had a great impact on me and my nervous system and my ability to trust and feel secure in any relationship with any parent. Even when I was adopted, I kept asking my mother, ‘When are you going to give me away?’ Because that's all that I knew.” When Jeanette was 13, she was living with her adoptive family, which included 2 adopted siblings and a foster child, who had visits with her birth mother. Jeanette started to wonder, “Where is my birth mother? Why is she not coming back for me?” The conclusion she came to was that she must really be unlovable and deficient in some way. When she watched that foster child be reunified with her mother, Jeanette started questioning her life and her existence. She experienced anxiety and depression. She didn’t know what to do with those feelings. Her self esteem plummeted. Also around this time, Jeanette wrote a suicide note to her best friend and said, “Tonight I'm gonna do it.” Thankfully, her friend told her mother, and she started therapy. Compassion was the biggest piece of healing for Jeanette. She says, “Therapy really changed my life and helped me really make sense of what happened to me. Once I started having compassion for what I'd been through, I could start feeling a sense of relief.” This is now at the root of her work with kids and families. The PACE Model This model was created by Daniel Hughes. He teaches it as “PACE your child”. Jeanette teaches parents to “PACE yourself” first. Just as in the Calm Mama Process, you want to regulate yourself first so that you can be compassionate toward your child. You can do these steps in any order. P: P3 - Be patient, present, and playful. A: Acceptance - Always convey, “I accept you, I love you”. C: Curiosity - What’s happening? This is all about your tone. E: Empathy
Let’s dive a little deeper into some of the components of PACE and why they work. Playfulness actually releases dopamine - a feel-good hormone that will help you stay regulated. Conveying your unconditional love and acceptance separates the child from the behavior. You may not love what they’re doing, but you love them. Your child is not their behavior. And their behavior is not a reflection or a rejection of you. It is a strategy they are using to cope with their feelings. Curiosity helps your child feel safe. It’s the tone that you really want to understand what’s going on with them (not the critical, “What is wrong with you?”). Your curiosity actually opens up executive functioning in their brain. Empathy and compassion help our kids make sense of themselves. In this way, we can help them build a massive amount of awareness of why they act the way they act and what to do about it. Paying attention to your child’s facial expressions and nonverbal cues is also important and helpful as you practice PACE. Maybe they don’t want to be playful right now. Or maybe you’re showing up a little more aggressive than you want to, or the tone of your voice is pushing them away. It’s like a dance. Make adjustments as you go. Regulation Strategies for Kids Situations in our lives trigger stress. When we try to push that stress down and repress it, it compounds and creates anxiety. Jeanette explains that in the same way, compressing internalized anger becomes suicidal ideation. The solution is to externalize those feelings. To bring them outside of ourselves. Jeanette’s book has a lot of great strategies for doing this. There are tons of creative, even playful, ways of taking what’s inside and putting it outside in a way that you can see, experience, manipulate, or touch. Jeanette encourages parents to practice these strategies on themselves first, then teach them to their kids. Here are some to try.
The Shamewich This also comes from Daniel Hughes. Jeanette explains that kids with trauma have a lot of shame. One example of this is a kid that is struggling with a homework assignment and ends up repeating to themself, “I’m stupid.” We want to help them separate themselves from that feeling of shame, bring that feeling out, externalize it. The kid is not the problem. The assignment is the problem. Jeanette explains the shamewich like this:
This helps to separate your true self from your thoughts, behaviors, and circumstances. You are the bread, not all the stuff in between. Storytelling is also a great addition to the shamewich. Tell your kid about a time when you were young and made a similar mistake. Let them know that you learned from it, too.
The Stress Bag A core part of Jeanette’s work involves creating tangible toolkits that kids can use to work through emotions. For example, a stress bag, anger bag, or sad bag. She explains that feelings don’t have a structure. They can get really big and take over. So she uses these bags to help kids contain and cope with their feelings. If you’re creating a stress bag, inside are index cards with stress busters and stress relief tools. One example Jeanette shared is the stress ball bubble wrap. She tells the child to think about all the cells in their body and that cortisol is a stress cell. Then, they twist the bubble wrap while they imagine all the stress they’re holding in their body and pop it one by one. Another example of a stress buster is name it to tame it. The child tells you about something they’re stressed about. They voice the stressor and release it. Or, have them yell into a poster tube and put the cap on - trapping their stress inside. Other items that are great for a stress bag include play doh, bubbles, and drawing paper. You can even have fun choosing items and making stress bags together. One for mom, one for the kid. Keep the bag visual and clearly labeled in the child’s room. At times when you aren’t stressed, practice the exercises together. Of course, not every activity will work for everybody, so try things and see what works for you and your kid.
Here are some more simple stress busters:
The Anger Bag Jeanette says, “Anger is the easiest emotion to have. It... | |||
| Cultivating Genuine Gratitude in Yourself & Your Kids | 27 nov. 2025 | 00:23:14 | |
Today is Thanksgiving here in the US, so in the spirit of giving thanks, today’s episode is all about gratitude, how it relates to children and parenting, and my three favorite strategies for cultivating genuine gratitude in yourself and your kids. --------------------------------- What is Gratitude?In Brene Brown's book, Atlas of the Heart, she defines gratitude as, “an emotion that reflects our deep appreciation for what we value, what brings meaning to our lives, and what makes us feel connected to ourselves and others.” So it isn’t just about saying thank you, it’s an emotion. And it requires that we look for the good and take the time to fully feel that appreciation. This isn’t something that comes naturally to humans, so it is a perspective and mindset that we need to cultivate and practice. The good news is that when you do that practice, it can become really easy to access those thankful thoughts and feelings. Gratitude and KidsGratitude is really hard for our kids, and here’s why. First, it has to do with their developmental stage. Because of the way their brains are developed, kids aren’t really able to see different perspectives until around age 9 or 10. Also, many of our kids don’t experience a lot of struggle. As parents, we want our kids' lives to be mostly simple, easy and happy. So for them, good is the norm. They don’t have much other life experience yet to compare it with. Basically, they don’t know how good they’ve got it. In many ways, we’ve taught them that. We've taught them to expect ease. We've taught them to think that the world revolves around them. But then we get mad at them for we get mad at them when they're not feeling grateful for a nice house or a loving family whatever you want your kids to be grateful for. I want to tell you that you don’t have to make them wrong for their ignorance or lack of perspective. It’s a part of development. The best way for you to cultivate gratitude in your kids is to model it for them. Weaponizing GratitudeSomething I see often as I coach moms is when a mom starts to share with me a challenge in her life and expresses her feelings, like hurt, disappointment or sadness, and she stops herself and sort of backs up a bit. Then, she says things like, “I shouldn't even be complaining,” “I’m being so whiny,” “I know I have it better than other people.” This is what I think of as weaponizing gratitude. You are using gratitude as a weapon to shut down your feelings. Trying to ignore the feeling, manufacture gratitude and bypass your negative emotions does not work. It doesn’t help you. What you need is a safe place to dump some of the junk that's going on.You need to have your feelings acknowledged, allowed and accepted, either by yourself or by whoever you're talking to. We all have lots and lots of feelings. And sometimes those feelings are not so great. We don't need to judge our negative feelings and then tell ourselves we should be grateful. The Other Side of Gratitude Now don’t get me wrong - I love gratitude. But I can only feel that feeling of gratitude because I've opened myself up to all the other feelings, the anger, the resentment, the sadness, the disappointment, the grief. All any feeling ever wants us to be felt. Gratitude is a wonderful emotion, but you cannot fake it. It's calm after the storm. Because gratitude is really perspective. And perspective only comes when we take an honest account of our lives, when we're looking at what is hard and what is great. It's okay to feel disappointed. It's okay to feel angry, it's okay to feel sad. It's okay to feel hurt. None of these are the opposite of gratitude, but we have to acknowledge them all. Once you process your negative emotion, gratitude is on the other side. Cultivating Genuine Gratitude There are three practices that have helped me access gratitude faster. When I use these strategies regularly, they help me shift towards gratitude with greater ease, so that once I move through my negative emotion, gratitude is easy for me to find. You can use these on your own or with your kids to cultivate more gratitude within your family. #1 As part of my daily journaling, I complete this sentence, “I am grateful for _____ because ______.” I love adding the “because” to this sentence. Adding the benefit or reason I am grateful for what I’ve focused on for that day deepens my appreciation of it. #2 Write a list of 10 things you really really wanted in the past and now you have. This is a great exercise for perspective and finding genuine gratitude! #3 Switch the focus of the holiday season from 'getting' to 'giving': Bring your kids into the gift giving process and allow them to pick out gifts for others. Set a budget and talk about the reason you chose that amount for each gift. Let the kids pick gifts within the range. Have them wrap them. The more invested they are in giving, the less focus they will have on receiving. I’m thankful for you, Mama (and your kids are, too). Have a wonderful holiday. xo, Darlynn Resources:
Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet! In this free guide you’ll discover: ✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.) ✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!) ✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.) ✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!) Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here Connect With Darlynn:
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| My Infertility & Adoption Story | Trauma-Informed Motherhood | 20 nov. 2025 | 00:33:36 | |
As I prepared for our 200th(!!!) episode of the podcast, I realized that I hadn't completely shared a huge part of my story with you. You may already know that I’m an adoptive mom. Today, I’m going deeper and sharing my infertility and adoption story. I sometimes talk about my journey as arriving through the back door of motherhood. In this episode, I’m talking about how I experienced infertility, why we chose adoption, and how that informed me as a mom, ultimately becoming a trauma-informed parent. ----------------------------------------------- My hope is that if you have experienced infertility, this episode gives a voice to your pain and a place for you to feel supported and loved. If you have not experienced infertility, I hope that hearing my story might help you have more understanding and compassion for your girlfriends or family members that are going through it. My Infertility StoryAfter a few years of marriage (I married young at 22), it became clear to me that I really wanted to become a mom. Sometime in 2001 or 2002, my husband and I started trying to get pregnant. For the first few months, I didn’t think much of it when my period kept coming. Six or seven months in, I wasn’t super concerned but thought it was a bit strange that I wasn’t pregnant yet. So I started the ovulation strips, the basal thermometer, and all those little at-home hacks to increase our chances. A year went by, and I still wasn’t pregnant. During this time, I was pretty sad. In the beginning, I was so excited for my friends when they got pregnant. But as time went on and it became more evident that maybe it wasn't going to happen for us, I started to feel jealous, scared, and less than. It triggered insecurities and feelings from my childhood of not belonging. At the one-year mark, we decided to go to the doctor and have some testing done. Our results showed that we would need some interventions if we wanted to get pregnant. The obvious answer at the time was IVF. I knew a few people who were going through IVF, and I was hearing about how much it cost and how devastating it was if it didn’t work. So, we decided to consider ALL of our options. After getting our test results, we weren’t closed off to the idea of adoption. In fact, I think there was a part of us that always sort of wanted to adopt. We just thought it would be in addition to our own biological kids. The options were laid out to us in two paths: the medical route or the adoption route. At first, I told my husband that I wanted to pursue both at the same time. Our Adoption JourneyAs we started to look at adoption, I was clear on one thing. I did not want to adopt through foster care. I was so desperate for this child, and I wanted a baby that could be mine. While I now know that this isn’t the risk factor I thought it was, I was so afraid that our relationship would be insecure, that a birth mother could come back and take my child away. So we decided on inter-country adoption. At the time, our main options were Russia, China, and Guatemala. We attended an adoption seminar and learned about the process, costs, and wait times. Russia seemed the most aligned for us in that we could have a baby in about nine months. It felt like the most natural timeline to me. We realized pretty quickly that both IVF and adoption required a lot of time, money, and energy. We had to choose one. When I have a big decision to make or I'm in a lot of emotional pain, I often end up on the shore, by the ocean. So after the seminar, my husband and I drove to Santa Monica, sat on the beach, and talked about it. We both wanted to pursue adoption for different reasons. Kevin wasn’t super invested in having a biological child. And I wanted a sure thing. I didn’t want to go through round after round of IVF. We decided to adopt. Adoption requires a lot from the parents. If you get pregnant and have a baby, you take it home and that’s that. With adoption, you’re evaluated on:
They call it a paper pregnancy, and you essentially have about 100 pages of documents describing everything about your life, home, finances, etc. It’s so intimate, like having someone look under the hood of your life and then decide whether you're good enough or not. You have to prove that you are worthy of adopting a baby. It was really hard. I knew that I was a good person, but it also brought up a lot of information, insecurity, and pain. I felt very alone during that time. I didn't really have anyone else in my life who was going through it. And I also didn't know how to deal with the pain of watching my friends have baby showers, give birth, and have newborns. They were afraid to share their joy with me because they knew I was in so much pain. Once our dossier was complete (and translated into Russian), we sent it over there and were added to the list to be matched with a baby. The youngest a baby could be adopted at that time was five months old, so we thought we’d get a baby around five or six months old. While we were waiting, Russia changed the rule to eight months old. We got stuck in this transition, and it took much longer to get matched than we expected. When I was waiting and so, so sad, wanting to be a mom so bad, our social worker said to me, “You know, Darlynn, you are gonna be matched with the right kid for you. No one ever thinks, ‘Oh, this is the wrong kid for me. I should have gotten the kid three months ago or three months from now.’” And I knew she was right. But I still had to wait. The best way I can describe it is that a piece of me was missing. I felt so much despair. And I could not wait for this baby to come into our life. In February of 2005, we got matched with our son, Lincoln. It was a really amazing experience. We got a photo of him and knew that he was ours. We flew to Russia and went to court to file for adoption. We went to his orphanage, met him in person, and signed off that we agreed to adopt this baby. And then we had to leave again. It was so painful to see him and then leave to wait for a court date. It’s like meeting your child and then leaving them at the hospital and not being able to go visit. We also knew that we were leaving him in poverty, neglect, and malnutrition. I couldn’t do anything about it. We had to get on an airplane, fly back home, and wait the two weeks until our court date. But two weeks went by, and we were still waiting. Eight weeks passed between the time we met Lincoln and our court date. Then another 10-day waiting period. It took four months from being matched to taking him home with us. Finally, he was ours. We went through the visa process, flew home, and I was a new mom to a one-year-old. Feeling like I missed out on the baby stage and that first year of his life has always been a bit hard and painful for me. But we bonded with him immediately. We loved him to pieces. He fit right into our family. We started to go to mommy groups and play groups. I met a bunch of friends that I still have to this day. It was such a beautiful time of my life because I finally was a mom. I got there, and it was incredible and wonderful. Within a year, we decided to do it again. The process was a little bit easier because we’d been through it before and knew what to expect. We thought it would take eight weeks for us to get matched with a baby again, but it happened almost immediately (like, within 3 days!). When we finally came home with Sawyer, he was also 12 months old. The Early YearsNow, we have two kids. They’re 22 months apart and were adopted two years apart. The transition with Sawyer was a bit harder. First of all, I already had a three-year-old at home, too. And we brought Sawyer home within just a couple months of deciding to have another kid. It’s probably no surprise to you that having two little kids is intense. We now know that Lincoln has ADHD, but at the time, it was coming out as lots of energy, aggressive behavior, meltdowns, impulse control, and anger. Around the time Lincoln was 4, I realized that his behavior was a little outside of normal, and I started to get support. I went to parenting classes, and I met Jeanette Yoffe, who changed the trajectory of my parenting forever. You’ll actually meet her on the podcast in a couple of weeks! Through meeting her, I started to learn about trauma-informed parenting, to understand that feelings drive behavior, and to not take behavior so personally. I learned about emotional dysregulation, stress response, and how the nervous system works. My brain exploded in so many amazing ways because I could see a pathway for my family to heal. Trauma-Informed ParentingI realized that things were so outside the norm with my kids because Lincoln had ADDA, Sawyer had sensory processing disorders, and they both experienced a year of neglect living in Russian orphanages. Nowhere in my education or preparation for becoming an adoptive mom was I taught the words trauma or trauma-informed or insecure attachment. There was no education about what I might experience by adopting a kid from a Russian orphanage. I became a Calm Mama because I became a mom of kids who had experienced real trauma. All of my training and everything I have learned has been because I wanted to parent these kids well and do right by them. And everything I learn I share with you, because I believe that if we can practice compassionate parenting, if we can learn self regulation tools for ourselves and teach those | |||
| Transforming Toddlerhood with Devon Kuntzman | Emotional Regulation for Young Kids | 13 nov. 2025 | 00:50:59 | |
If you have a child between the ages of 1 and 5, today’s episode is for you. I’ve invited Devon Kuntzman onto the podcast to talk to us about transforming toddlerhood. She is a toddler parenting expert who is on a mission to transform the myth that toddlerhood is terrible. You’ll Learn:
Today, Devon is sharing practical strategies to meet your toddler’s basic developmental and sensory needs, as well as ways to teach them skills to get their needs met and cope with frustration. ------------------------------------------- Devon Kuntzman is a wife, mama and the original toddler parenting expert on Instagram. She says she is so passionate about this age group because, “we know that the first five years really set the foundation for the rest of a child's life in terms of their brain development and emotional regulation.” As a certified coach with a degree in psychology, she helps thousands of families each year through courses, workshops, and the annual Transforming Toddlerhood Conference. Her community of 1 million parents and caregivers is committed to transforming their parenting, their toddler’s behavior, and their overall experience of toddlerhood while creating a relationship with their child that lasts a lifetime. Who Are Toddlers?One of my first questions for Devon was how she defines a toddler. I often think of toddlers as being separate from preschoolers, but Devon explains that she groups them together (ages 1-5) because they are all struggling with a lot of the same things. She says, “They still have very immature brains. They're lacking their impulse control skills, emotional regulation skills.” I think of toddlers’ decision making as, “if it feels good, do it.” It’s an emotional process for them. They aren’t really able to think things through and access executive function until around age 6. Devon does split them into younger toddlers (ages 1 & 2) and older toddlers (ages 3-5), largely based on expressive language skills and their ability to communicate their feelings and needs. Putting preschoolers into their own category, Devon says, can be confusing if we think that they should no longer be having the same behavioral challenges as toddlers. The truth is, it is still completely developmentally appropriate for them to struggle. Decoding Toddler BehaviorWhen it comes to toddler behavior, Devon likes to talk about “decoding” behavior. She says, “If we don't understand what's happening with the behavior, then it's going to be really challenging to know how to respond.” I think this is certainly true for all ages. The concept of decoding reminds us that there are layers that we need to peel back in order to really understand what’s going on. It requires us to get curious about the root of a child’s behavior. As you’ve heard me say a million times, the root of any behavior is emotion. A feeling that they are trying to communicate or cope with. They may also be trying to communicate a need, whether it’s a basic need like food or sleep, a sensory need, or a need to feel connection and affection. Devon says that impulse control is a common challenge for toddlers. Some behaviors that come along with this are spitting, wanting to grab things off the shelf at the grocery store, or taking off chasing a cat or a bird down the street. These behaviors are very reactionary. There is no thinking about safety, impact, or the future. Development in the Toddler YearsSome developmental needs of toddlers include the need to:
Of course, Devon says, these are needs that we all have as humans, but they’re so important in the toddler years because “the whole point of toddlerhood is for your child to become their own unique individual, to develop a sense of self for the first time.” In fact, toddlers are developmentally driven to push against us. Devon explains that babies often see themselves as an extension of their caregiver. Power struggles come into play when your toddler starts becoming an individual, separate from you, and you are still trying to control them. It’s a tricky balance. They want more independence, but they are also reliant on you to meet their physical and emotional needs. Devon says that we can give toddlers a sense of control in areas that are very inconsequential. And if you meet that need for independence throughout the day, you’re less likely to slip into power struggles, even when bedtime rolls around. It’s almost like making a deposit in their control bank. She explains that one of the best ways to do this is by giving choices that are within your boundaries while still giving your child some autonomy. Consider letting them decide how but not whether they do something. And a little playfulness can go a long way. “Play is the language of young children,” Devon explains. “So the more that we can speak their language, the more connection we'll have, which creates influence. And that positive influence then leads to cooperation.” For example, if your kid doesn’t want to go to the bathroom, ask them to choose how they get there. Maybe they’d like to jump like a kangaroo or crawl like a bear. Boundaries & ControlAs Devon likes to say, “It takes two people to be in a power struggle.” Deciding when to hold firm boundaries and when to give up a little control can be challenging. Devon shared a common scenario of playing with your child in a sandbox. They’re telling you what to do and how to play. She says that this is an example of them controlling within your boundaries. Play is your child’s job, so when you’re in the sandbox and playing and connecting with them, it’s a great time to let them lead. She says, “they are going to feel really empowered, really seen and heard, and you're really filling their cup.” That doesn’t mean that they get to be in control all the time (and they really don’t even want to be). For example, when you’re having a conversation with your parenting partner and your kid wants to come in and get your attention - this is not within your boundaries. This conversation is not your kid’s job. If you feel worried about being too permissive or your child becoming too bossy, ask yourself, “Is this within my boundaries or not? Is this something of consequence or is it inconsequential?” Finding the right balance of control is about stepping into leadership energy and saying, “I’m the adult. It’s my job to be in charge. It’s my job to guide, support, and teach my child the skills that they need.” When you set a limit or expectation, and your kid pushes back, there are a few ways you can respond:
State your limit and walk away. Devon says, “Don’t stand there to see what they do. The longer you engage in a power struggle, the more likely that they are going to keep pushing.” They think there’s still a chance that their strategy will work. Transforming ToddlerhoodDevon says that she wrote her new book in response to the questions that parents of toddlers were asking her every single day. Chapters are bite-sized (so you can actually get through them) and split into 5 themed sections. She calls it “a comprehensive quick-reference guide full of tips, scripts, behavior red flags, and FAQs”. One simple but powerful reframe Devon shares is looking at your child’s behavior as “strategic” rather than “manipulative.” The word manipulative has a negative connotation that can trigger a lot of parents, making them more reactive. Your child’s behavior is a strategy that they are using to get their needs met. They aren’t trying to trick you. They’re trying to get what they need. Devon says, “Children are very smart. They're very good at getting their needs met because their survival depends on it.” They’re paying attention to what strategies have worked for them in the past. It’s also important to remember that your child is wired to comply. They know that it’s in their best interest to keep the adults in their life happy. In fact, their biggest fear is losing your unconditional love and acceptance. They want to please you, but that developmental drive for independence gets in the way sometimes. When you hold a boundary, calmly yet firmly, it actually lets them feel secure. To know that you are the leader, you are in charge, and everything is okay. The more consistent and predictable you are with your limits, the more easily your kid will accept them over time. Another shift with big impact - Stop trying to win. Devon explains, “Sometimes we don't even realize it, but when we get triggered and go into our stress response... | |||
| Release Mom Shame with Dr. Angele Close | Self-Energy & Calm Parenting | 06 nov. 2025 | 00:57:10 | |
Dr. Angele Close is back on the podcast! Today, we’re diving deeper into letting go of mom shame and how to build a new relationship within ourselves so we can release that guilt and stress and show up in a more loving, kind, open-hearted way. You’ll learn:
Today’s episode is part 2 of my conversation with Dr. Angele Close. If you missed last week’s episode, be sure to go back and check it out here. You can also find links to my previous episodes on the Internal Family Systems model (IFS) at the end of the show notes. --------------------------------------- Dr. Angele uses the Internal Family Systems model in her therapy and coaching in order to help moms unburden themselves from trauma, guilt, stress, burnout, overwhelm, and that mental load that you're carrying in your head. She then teaches them how to relate to the stressors of parenting in a different way so that they can feel more joyful, calm, present, and able to actually enjoy the experience of raising kids. Turning Myths into EmpowermentIn last week’s episode, we talked a lot about the myths of motherhood, including the Good Mom myth. There is so much about mom culture in our society that is toxic. The messaging all around us is sending messages that we basically have to be Supermom, or else we’re failing. Dr. Angele says, “It’s oppressive. It’s life limiting…The liberation comes in the awareness of it.” When it comes to these myths, we have to ask ourselves, “What am I believing? What are the parts of me that have come to believe some of this stuff?” When you understand the answers to these questions, you can actually design your own experience of motherhood. It is an opportunity for awakening and empowerment. Dr. Angele says, “I think becoming a mother is a gateway for us to become our true, authentic self. That's the invitation. That's the true power.” Self Energy and Being Self-Led“Self” was conceptualized by Dr. Richard Schwartz, who created IFS. It’s that place inside yourself that is just you. He talks about an energy of being coherent and connected. Your body, heart, and mind are all in the same place. Dr. Angele thinks of it as our soul energy. She says, “It’s the energy within yourself which every human has. And it's not changed or tarnished by anything that you've been through or that's happened to you.” One example Dr. Angele shared was the image of the sky. Your Self energy is the sun, and your parts are the clouds. Even on a cloudy, overcast day, the sun is always there. Working with Your Parts - the Manager and the FirefighterUnfortunately, we’re not living fully in Self energy every day. That’s not realistic when we live in a complex world that often feels unsafe or stressful. That’s when our “parts” take the wheel. These other parts come in to help us navigate and cope and live in the real world. They’re a bit like our armor, our protection. When we can drop that armor and unburden our parts, we become more aware and conscious to choose our beliefs and energy. The Manager and the Firefighter are two of our Self-protective parts, and they come up a lot with moms. You might also discover parts that are a caregiver, critic, or coach. I’ve even named some of mine: iPad girl and Wild Child. Have a little fun with it! Manager PartsThe Manager can also be referred to as the Taskmaster or Momager. Other versions of the Manager might be the Measurer, the Critic, or the People Pleaser. This is a “doer” part. Moms are juggling so much. The Manager part takes care of it. It helps us achieve our goals and take care of the tasks on the never-ending to-do list. It gets our kids to their activities and puts dinner on the table. And sometimes it might be a bit perfectionistic. This is also the part that wants to be Supermom and is carrying the invisible mental load. When we lead from this part, there’s not a lot of joy. You might often feel rushed, overwhelmed, like there’s never enough time. It can feel like you’re on autopilot, just going through the motions. It also doesn’t leave much space for compassion and patience. In a tough parenting moment, your Taskmaster is watching the clock and pushing to get out the door, rather than connecting with your child. Firefighter PartsYou’ve probably heard me talk about fix it/f*ck it. If the Manager is the “fix it,” the Firefighter is the “f*ck it”. It’s the equally intense opposition to trying to be Supermom. It’s when you want to give up and burn it all to the ground. Dr. Angele describes these Firefighter parts as the Scroller, the Numb-er, the Shopper, the Snacker, the Binge Eater or Drinker. Maybe your Manager has been helping you eat healthy, but the Firefighter comes in and you eat 10 cookies in a sitting. These parts take over and sabotage all the work you’ve done. While they do serve a purpose, they are not supposed to be in charge. Tapping Into Self-Led Energy in MotherhoodWhen you’re leading from your parts, you often end up feeling in conflict with your values. For example, you bulldoze over your kid’s big feelings in order to get to school on time. Once that Taskmaster who only cares about being on time subsides, you’ll probably feel guilty because you didn’t show up in alignment with your values of compassion and connection. I like to think of Self energy as being the perfect mom. That is often what I'm trying to tap into with my kids. Rather than showing up as a Manager or a Firefighter, I want to come from the energy of curiosity and compassion. Like there's no emergency here. In that energy, I can parent them in a way that they feel seen, understood, and empowered to do their own thinking. Dr. Angele describes her own Firefighter part that would freeze or numb her out in order to protect her from really painful, difficult feelings. And while she’s thankful for the way it helped her get through some tough years, when she became a mom it caused her to shut down when her kid was dysregulated or having a meltdown. She had to go to that part and work with it in order to feel safe enough to be in her Self energy. There are lots of different ways that we can access Self energy.The question that Dr. Angele finds most helpful is asking, “Who’s here?” What part(s) are active in you right now? That curiosity or beginner’s mind can be a gateway to Self. Dr. Angele also says that truly being in her body is what she comes back to over and over when she wants to access Self energy. She says, “We live in a culture that values rationality and being logical, and we're cognitive and analytical. To me, the wisdom of Self and presence and loving awareness is in our body.” Nature is also a beautiful gateway for Self. Particularly for people who are not religious, nature provides a way to connect to something greater, which Dr. Angele says, is what Self energy is. To me, self-love is the ultimate hack to get to Self energy. It’s that idea of, “I love you and I’m not gonna let anything hurt you.” It makes you feel safe to let your Self shine through. So how do you know when you’re in Self energy? One way Dr. Angele described is that it almost feels like you can slow down time. For me, it feels like a settled feeling in my belly. I feel less tension in my chest and less tightness in my throat. Kind of like a sinking feeling where my body can feel relaxed and heavy. Balancing Your Parts with Self-Led EnergyWhen I started working with IFS, I realized that my parts didn’t even know that my Self existed. My manager and some other parts were so strong that they thought they were me. Dr. Angele says that this is common in the beginning. Your parts think that they’re doing life all by themselves. If they don’t do it, nobody will. So we can speak from Self to those parts - let them know we see them, that we’re grateful, and that they aren’t alone. Step 1: Start by seeing that each of your parts has good intentions. Understand what that part is trying to do for you and open your heart to it. Be compassionate and loving toward it. Step 2: Express gratitude for that part. Let it know you appreciate how it is trying to help you. Say, “I see that you’re working so hard. Thank you.” Step 3: Get curious about how it can actually work well for you. As you heal, Dr. Angele says, your parts’ job descriptions need to change. They don’t need to fly in and protect you from everything as you develop capacity to hold your own pain. Ask the part, “What role do you want right now?” As moms, our Taskmaster is exhausted. If we don’t tap into our Self energy and balance the system, we can’t rest. When moms’ Taskmaster is on 24/7, they literally can’t sleep. Or you’re sitting and watching TV, but you’re still thinking about all the things you have to do. It’s really draining. You can even ask your Manager, “Would you like a break?” Take it a bit further and wonder, “What would it look like to take a break? What would you do during it?” The same goes for our Firefighter parts. They might be used to coming in and dousing the... | |||