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We’ve all heard it — or perhaps we’ve even said it ourselves:
“That’s in the past; you just need to get over it.”
While Stoicism teaches us not to be prisoners of the past or paralyzed by things outside our control, ignoring history, holding grudges, or demanding that someone adopt a sanitized version of events doesn’t work either.
In this episode, we explore how we deal with the past in our relationships, particularly when it comes to applying Stoic philosophy.
From the temptation of revisionist history to the fundamental attribution error — where we judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions — we examine how the past often gets weaponized or avoided altogether.
Key takeaways from this discussion include:
* The Past Cannot Be Simply Erased: Telling someone to “get over it” is often an attempt to dismiss their reality or distance ourselves from discomfort. A healthy relationship requires a shared, honest acknowledgment of history.
* Beware the Weaponized Past: Whether it’s constantly bringing up the nice things you’ve done to guilt a partner, or fixating on a past “golden era” because the present feels uncomfortable, dwelling on yesterday can damage today.
* Recognize Differing Memories and Processing Styles: Two people can experience the exact same event and remember it differently. Navigating this requires curiosity and care rather than a power struggle over who is “right.”
* Avoid the Fundamental Attribution Error: We often excuse our own past mistakes as circumstantial while viewing a partner’s past missteps as flaws in their character. Stoicism calls us to approach one another with greater fairness and self-awareness.
* Build Bridges, Not Meta-Arguments: When past disagreements surface, disarm the tension by saying, “I remember that differently, but let’s talk about what that meant to you.” Prioritize connection over winning an argument.
Listen to the full episode below, and let us know:
How do you and your partner balance acknowledging past hurts or memories without letting them dictate your present?
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The Stoic Heart® helps individuals and couples navigate the complexities of modern relationships using the timeless principles of Stoic philosophy. We provide the tools for disciplined communication, emotional self-mastery, and deeper, more intentional connections in a variety of settings, from home to work to the wider community. We apply Stoic practice to help others live more in harmony with nature.
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