This special episode of SelfWork will guide you to step into your inner power as we talk with author and personal branding expert... Jessica Zweig.

I usually don’t have spiritual authors or leaders on SelfWork – not because I don’t believe in the importance of spirituality – but I’ve always kept my own spiritual beliefs more private from my work.

This time, Ashley Stahl - who not only has been on SelfWork as a guest, but has hosted for me – introduced me to our guest today. So I got very interested! And I’m delighted I read this book and met this woman.

Her name? Jessica Zweig. And her new book is The Light Work: Reclaim Your Feminine Power, Live Your Cosmic Truth and Illuminate the World.

How Jessica stepped into her inner power: 

"I’ve spent the last 9+ years helping industry giants (hello Google and Pinterest!) discover their superpowers and harness magnetic personal brands at my award-winning agency SimplyBe.

But I’ll let you in on a secret — behind the scenes, I was broken.

Completely and utterly burned out. I had built my business on a relentless cycle of toxic masculine energy and in 2022 I hit rock bottom — an insurmountable depression and physical depletion.

My path to “burning bright” began with a transformative journey to Egypt and a profound spiritual experience that changed who I am and my entire purpose in life.

It is this enlightenment, combined with my personal branding expertise, that enables me to guide you in stepping into the next, fully-lit, brightly shining version of yourself."

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Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

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Today’s we’re going to focus on emotional detachment and distancing. I'll explain what it is and when it's healthy - and maybe even necessary - to do just that. I'm also going to bring forward a harsh criticism of a blogpost on unconditional love that I wrote years ago, after having the experience with parents and adult children needing to distance themselves from family, sometimes painfully, sometimes with relief.

What are some of the situations when emotional distancing or detachment is healthy?

• When expressed boundaries or basic respect for those boundaries isn’t given
• When someone won’t take any responsibility for their hurtful actions or their impact on you or others
• When there’s been a pattern of ‘honeymoon’ with many “I’m sorry’s” and “that’ll never happen agains” – but it does
• When you need a break from neediness
• When others that you love and need to protect are being affected by the chaos
• When you’re getting divorced

Today’s listener email is from a woman from Poland who describes that she’s been scared about the schizophrenia that runs in her family. And she also talks about detaching from an abandoning and abusive dad – but could only allow herself to do that this past year. I’m always so touched when someone takes the time to write – and I’d love to hear from you.

Vital Links:

The podcast on unconditional love being used up

Advertiser's Link:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

First of all, I cannot express how grateful I am to be back and to be healthy. Fear was very much a part of the weeks before my surgery. I had to realize and accept that I wasn’t in control of what might or might not happen. I was only in control of my response to those things. So that’s what I tried to focus on – how was I going to respond? But all has turned out very well... and I feel intense gratitude.

The topic for today was brought to my attention by a wonderful voice mail I got over the break. This listener asks about how to handle a strange sort of guilt she feels when she's not doing a purposeful activity and feeling confusion over what to say to someone who innocently asks, "Whatcha been doing?" After you haven't been doing anything much of importance.

We'll focus on three sources of this guilt: Self-reproach. Fear or anxiety about how you might be judged or perceived as lazy or incompetent. And last... "time anxiety" itself, which is anxiety over how you're spending your time - and how to quell that anxiety with one simple question. "How would I define 'time well-spent?'

Vital Links:

The Clockify Article on time anxiety

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

Start fresh in 2023! BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Our Sponsors:
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Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I first met Shauna Springer -  or Doc Springer as her military clients call her  - when I interviewed her for one of her books, Warrior. There was something about her that I really warmed to and now am glad to call her a friend. Her books demonstrate what an incredible therapist she is, as well as being widely known as an expert on psychological trauma, military transition, and suicide prevention. So she was an obvious pick to guest host here at SelfWork!

Her guest is another phenomenal woman. Alexa James who’s the CEO of NAMI Chicago. Under different Chicago mayors, she’s started mental health programs in the police department and worked closely on police accountability, She helped with Chicago’’s response to Covid, and now continues to bring mental health treatment to the far under-served.

What you’ll hear today are two very caring and very knowledgable and very experienced women talking about innovative treatments that are being used more and more: ketamine infusions and SGB or stellate ganglion block. You can learn more on her website stellacenter.com. They offer great hope!

Vital Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

Start fresh in 2023! BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Shauna ‘Doc’ Springer is a co-founder and the Chief Psychologist for STELLA, a leading, trusted authority on innovative trauma treatments. Dr. Springer is responsible for developing STELLA's trauma informed approach to care across its international network of more than 50 clinics. She leads training and public speaking engagements for Stella and is the host of the podcast "The Story of Our Trauma."  She is a best-selling author of two books on trauma (WARRIOR: How to Support Those Who Protect Us and Relentless Courage: Winning the Battle with Frontline Trauma and is widely considered to be one of the world's leading experts on psychological trauma, military transition, suicide prevention, and close relationships.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
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Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Bob Waldinger's publicist used these words to describe him - "warm and humble."  That can be hard to find… and I knew I wanted him to be our guest here on SelfWork.

He has plenty of things he could crow about (as we’d say in Arkansas). He’s a Harvard  professor, 20-year director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development? And his TED Talk is one of the ten most popular of all time, with over 43 million views. What’s the Harvard study all about it? It’s the longest scientific study of happiness every conducted. Here’s what they say: “Radical for its time in 1938, this first -of-its-kind study is now in its 84th year, with an 84% retention rate. Even JFK was a participant!

He’s understandably proud of the wide range of data the study has amassed through the years – as they wanted to focus on what keeps you healthy rather than what makes you sick. His new book came out three days ago – it’s called  THE GOOD LIFE.

It explains in detail:

• The most common misconceptions about happiness.
• What social fitness is and how to exercise it.
• How to understand the influence of your childhood on your adult relationships.
• What you’re likely getting wrong about achievement.
• The first step you can take if you want to live a good life.

We had a wonderful conversation – but not only do I hope you enjoy it, I hope that you’ll learn more about what will truly bring you happiness.

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Hello everyone in 2023! I wanted to tell you all that my surgery went perfectly – and I’m getting back into gear! I cannot say how grateful I am without tearing up – and have so many thanks for the guest hosts that have filled in so far, Kimberley Quinlan, Lewis Howes and this week Ashley Stahl. Shauna Springer is coming on a week or two – and then I’ll be back!  I’ll be back live and kicking on January 20th – a full week before I’d planned – and I can’t wait!

I want to tell you about two opportunities today to interface with me. First,  I’m going to be running a study group on the book Perfectly Hidden Depression – and it will be free – for my facebook group starting hopefully in February. Several of them had expressed that they were either stuck somewhere in the book or it was overwhelming to get started – so I want to lend my support. If you're interested, join my FB closed group here because that’s where all the communication about  the study group will be.  And you’d need to buy the book.

And here ‘s the second opportunity! Last fall, I was approached by a new app called Meomind. Their mission is to provide an online experience where users can hear sessions between real people and real therapists. What’s hoped is that you can hear very useful techniques and ideas from the therapists – and hear how the client is affected by seeing themselves from a different perspective. Yes, the clients are paid as are the therapists. And I was a little afraid it would be false-seeming. It is far from that. You can pick the topics you’re most interested in – and if you’ve ever wondered what being in therapy with me would be like – now you can find out! It has to be downloaded on an Android or Iphone. But again – it’s totally free – and you can find the two sessions I have on there now under that tab “New”.  I’ve loved being involved and hope you head over to Meomind. 

I have other ideas for this year and am filled with a new sense of purpose and drive. Thank you to all who have thought about me, prayed for me, and kept me in your heart! It has meant so very much.

 

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Ashley Stahl and I met when her book You Turn came out – and to prepare for her interview on SelfWork, not only did I read her book, I watched a couple of her TedTalks – yes she has two! And I thought her advice was solidly based on the importance of values in choosing a career.  I saw that she’d  established herself extremely well in the entrepreneurial world, giving career advice to many world wide – while at the same time, being very transparent and giving of herself. So I wanted to feature her and her work – so that SelfWork listeners could approach their professional lives more clearly.

Here's her actual bio:

Ashley Stahl is a counterterrorism professional turned career coach, an international bestselling author, a Fortune 500 spokesperson, and expert on intuition, personal branding, and fulfillment.  Daymond John (Shark Tank, Fubu, NYT bestselling author) says Ashley’s bestseller, You Turn: Get Unstuck, Discover Your Direction, Design Your Dream Career, is “the ultimate guide to discover your path in the workforce.”  Between her online courses, subscribers, and show “The You Turn Podcast,” (with 2M downloads), she’s been able to support clients in 78 countries in self-discovery, upgrading their confidence, and finding career fulfillment.

When I asked her to be a guest host, she energetically jumped right in – which was more than meaningful for me. And I loved listening to her episode! She’s going to share eleven what she calls “mindshifts” that have been vital for her to learn in 2022 and take now into 2023. Here’s a sneak peak into her list… she’s learned the difference between a “connection” and a true relationship – the first being highly seductive perhaps but the second holding within it security and consistency , which is so needed by us all. I’m honored she’s here – as I have been with all my guest hosts!

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

Start fresh in 2023! BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression, which is coming out in the spring in German, is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Our Sponsors:
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Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

2022 is coming to a close – and 2023 is on its way! So Happy New Year to all!

So today’s SelfWork episode turns the tables on me – as I’m being interviewed by Lewis Howes on his incredibly successful podcast, School of Greatness.

I listen almost every week to his interviews when I’m out walking, and learn so much from them. And since I was honored to be on (that story you can hear in last week’s episode…), I know what it feels like to talk with Lewis. He’s one of those people that can make you feel as if you’re the most interesting person he’s ever talked to – you know those kinds of people? He’s very approachable and even with all of his success, responded to my asking for him to be a guest host this month with a, “Let me see what my team can come up with.”

What you’re about to hear is the second half of my interview with him – as we continue to talk about what therapy is all about, and other issues that are common in mental health. His last question is one he asks every guest (of course, I’d listened to his other interviews but was still unprepared for this) – What are the three things that you’d want others to remember about you or what you’ve learned in life? That one was tough.

Vital Links: 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

 

I first met Lewis Howes in 2019, the year Perfectly Hidden Depression was published, as I was  a guest on his incredible podcast The School of Greatness. I was flabbergasted to be asked – listen to their own description of the show!  "Lewis Howes is a New York Times best-selling author, 2x All-American athlete, keynote speaker, and entrepreneur. The School of Greatness shares inspiring interviews from the most successful people on the planet—world-renowned leaders in business, entertainment, sports, science, health, and literature—to inspire YOU to unlock your inner greatness and live your best life."

I’m certainly not one of the most successful people on the planet so how did I get on the show? One of his producers loved the book and asked me on. It was a tremendous experience. But the funny thing.. they were busy building a new studio for Lewis, so our interview took place in his kitchen, sunlight streaming into his breakfast room early in the morning. He didn’t feel well but I guess he knew I’d come all the way from Arkansas to be on – so he soldiered through. He was also kind enough to be on SW himself, talking about his early sexual abuse as a child and how that had impacted him for years. For all of his success, when I reached out to see if he could be a guest host this month (fully expecting “sorry I’m too busy”), he contacted another of his producers, Chris,  who took over. And he offered to provide my interview with Lewis from December of 2019. I was blown away! And then, there were Chris’ words.

"I first want to say that your interview on the show was actually one that deeply impacted me and how I view mental health so thank you for all the work you do in the world. I hope your upcoming surgery goes great!"

So on this episode of SelfWork, you’re going to listen in on the first half of my interview with Lewis Howes.

Vital Links! 

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I first met Kimberley as a guest on her incredible podcast, Your Anxiety Toolkit, after the book Perfectly Hidden Depression came out. She's also been on SelfWork to discuss her own book The Self-Compassionate Workbook for OCD  and was an obvious pick to lead off these guest episodes. Why? Because she’s not only an expert at treating anxiety and I knew whatever she chose to talk about would be pragmatic and useful from the very moment you heard it – but she’s very caring, open, and organized.

When I listened to the episode you’re about to hear, I found myself much more calm at the end than when I’d begun listening!  You’ll learn fun facts, like having the strong urge to poop when you’re anxious is quite normal, as well as seven hard-earned but unbeatable steps to help you intervene with your response to anxiety. The point is not to stop anxiety. It’s to become aware of your own very unique response to it and choose what Kimberley calls “a values-based response to your anxiety” and to “ride its wave.” Not easy to do. But she’s also known for her oft-stated mantra, “Today is a beautiful day to do a hard thing.” Now that’s a fabulous mantra for anyone, but especially for those of us struggling with depression and/or anxiety.

You can find her through her book, her website where you can find treatment options for many types of anxiety, and her podcast Your Anxiety Toolkit! But she also is founder of the CBTschool.com, an online psycho-education platform that provides online courses for those with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviors.

Vital Links: 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today, I'll be answering three listener questions about how to make successful transitions with their moms or mothers-in-law. And I chose them because they're very much reflective of common problems you might have yourself.

Psychiatry blamed mothers years ago for everything from autism to schizophrenia and that was all plain wrong. Even Freud’s granddaughter, Sophie Freud, also a professor and psychiatric social worker, has said that her grandfather didn’t understand a woman’s sexuality at all.  So, we’re not throwing moms under the bus. I’m a mom and know I’ve not been a perfect one. But I have no desire to be thrown under any vehicle, bus or no bus - while dads have their own dynamic, which can often be destructive.

But these three listener questions did pertain to moms – so we’ll focus on potential problems that can arise as you become an adult yourself and make normal transitions.

Vital Links: 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

SelfWork post on enmeshment

Post on Borderline Moms

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Generally, when someone is called “a bundle of nerves,” they’re not describing a state of being that’s pleasant or desired. Those nerves could range from the fairly common experience of self-consciousness, where you have a heightened sense of yourself, to actual social anxiety, when the fear of being perceived negatively or being scrutinized by others can lead you to avoid interaction all together or have complete dread of a party or a meeting, going to church or to a family gathering. Of course, anxiety can have a very real source, such as if you fear scrutiny or even emotional abuse from a parent or a coach or a spouse.  But in social anxiety, the most innocuous situation can hold dread.

Today, we’re going to talk about what you can do about that dread – how you can allow for helpful self-consciousness or maybe a working term for that would be healthy self-awareness – but also cope with real fear of being in social settings altogether. Your social “muscle” – the ability to be with others comfortably and non-self-consciously – can grow stronger. But what the pandemic has taught even the most socially comfortable among us – that muscle can atrophy as well. And if was never strong in the first place? Then the task to exercise it can seem very daunting.

So, how can you learn how to stop telling yourself that you must look stupid, or out of step, or weird – and begin instead to become more comfortable in your own skin and work with your anxieties around being with others? That’s SW for today!

Here are the five steps toward building your social muscle and leaning into social anxiety!

1.  Shame will tell you you’re a bad or inferior person because your anxiety exists. Challenge that shame and  let go of that belief.
2. Transparency and self-acceptance can help lead you to work with your fears. Be open with others you trust about your anxiety.
3. Whatever makes you anxious offers a clear direction of what you can choose to learn.
4. Naming your anxiety shifts your perception as something that's happening to you, but isn't you. Don't think, "I'm anxious." Think instead, "I'm aware that anxiety is happening to me" or, if you've named your anxiety, "I can feel (name) arriving on the scene."
5. Practice this over and over until it becomes your new way of experiencing and working with anxiety. 

The listener voicemail is from a woman who sent me a message that ended abruptly with the words, “Women like you…”  I’ll share that with you – what I did in response – and what concerns me the most about her message to me. It may not be what you think by the way… a little healthy criticism is a good thing.

Vital Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

Tara Wells' article on self-awareness and self-consciousness

New York Times article on the pandemic and its impact on social anxiety

NPR's interview with the author of Good Anxiety, Wendy Suzuki

Recent research on narcissism in Psyche.com

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today we’re focusing on the tools necessary to help you listen and "how to be there” for someone else.

We'll discuss what it’s like to listen to the stories of those who trust you to create a safe space for them to talk – and what it means to “be there” for someone. What it’s like to hear things that are very hard to hear. And what it’s like to carry on with your own life as you do so. I’m going to offer a list of eleven necessary tools that I’ve learned to use over the years. What I hope is that that list is helpful to you as you go about the business of loving others and being there emotionally for them.

I should say that this episode isn’t a substitute for any mental health treatment that you might choose or need.

And I have two listener contacts to share with you, both of which made me smile.

Vital Links: 

Nash Fung TEDx

Zazzle link for The SelfWork Mug!

Advertiser's Link: 

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Psychology Today article on "Estrangement: The Silent Epidemic"

New York Times article on Fractured Families

Forbes article on parental alienation

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

The term “cancel culture” came to be around 2016 and according to the dictionary, it’s the practice or tendency of engaging in mass canceling as a way of expressing disapproval and exerting social pressure. Yet, in families, estrangement has been around quite a long time. Parents can distance themselves from children. Adult children can stop “coming around” as the term goes. Friendships can end. The root of the word in Latin is extraneare, "treat as a stranger." It can be chosen by you or it can be chosen for you, meaning that someone can estrange themselves from you. It can be a painful part of any relationship where there has formerly been affection or trust or mutual respect. How is it connected to a dynamic called parental alienation? And of course, how do the stereotypes of “family” and “the holidays” make the pain of estrangement even worse?

We'll talk about these questions and I'll be looking into the work of Dr. Karl Pillemer to give us great direction. He's the author of the recent book, Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them.

The listener email today is from a mom who’s been a listener to SW for quite some time – but a tragedy has occurred in her family, and she’s asking for some advice. There’s a trigger warning here – her daughter has been sexually abused – so please listen with care.

Vital Links! 

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Psychology Today article on "Estrangement: The Silent Epidemic"

New York Times article on Fractured Families

Forbes article on parental alienation

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

We’re going to talk about labels today  - and how the mental health world, its science, its leaders, and its language might be influencing us to over-pathologize what’s normal. Meaning that you can come to believe something is sick or wrong or abnormal when actually it IS normal when it’s understood in its own context. But another fact may be even more disconcerting. You can base your decisions about what you “call” something by the knowledge or experience or reasoning you have at hand. And that language might be misleading or limited

Our listener voicemail is different today and I was eager to see what I could find to answer her question. She asks if something like a name change after trauma could help with building a sense of confidence? I think that’s a great question – especially fit for SW because it’s all about what you have control over and regaining a sense of empowerment.

Vital Links: 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

The parable of the blind men and the elephant

HuffPost article on pathologizing children's behavior

A conversation wit Dr. Allen Frances

.

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Samantha Skelly is such a vibrant and fascinating guest! She wrote her book several years ago - Hungry for Happiness: Stop Emotional Eating and Start Loving Yourself. And this is what she says about it: This book is how I turned my mess into my message. The journey of struggling with emotional eating, exercise addition & severe body image issues - within these pages contains the most effective & impactful tools to heal emotional eating for good.

You can tell from her words that she's got a great sense of humor and adventure! And now, she's helping people all over the world with breath. That's right - she's teaching people how to breathe - the right way. And here's her own editorial take on that! "If you’re reading this thinking ‘what kind of hippy sh*t is this?’ - you’re not alone, before I tried it, I too thought it was all hype.Then I had an experience that healed me in ways I never knew possible. And that’s my wish for you."

I know you'll enjoy her as you come breathe along with us! She has a new app to help you as well, called "Pause Breathwork". Thanks to BetterHelp for once again sponsoring this episode of SelfWork!

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

You can order my book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I began this episode thinking I’d talk about ten things I’d learned from being a therapist. But I realized that almost every one of them could be their own podcast episode. Today we’ll focus on the first – not in importance, but the first that came to mind – perhaps connected with the zeitgeist of our time. The need to be right or living being certain that you are. We’ll discuss these questions: Is having the need to be right a bad or a good thing, helpful or hurtful? Is it connected with a mental or emotional condition such as depression or anxiety? How can that belief affect your relationships with others? I’ve done my research and we’ll look at it from various angles – and then, per usual, I’ll add in my two cents.

Five Major Takeaways!

• Being right and needing to be right are two completely different things. You can be right but also be humble.
• Being wrong is a means of learning. Coming to a conclusion that proves to be wrong or misguided is a means through which you figure out things that will be helpful to you. “I was wrong about that.”
• Your perspective is unique and thus has value. But it’s also limiting – meaning there are other perspectives that are valuable as well..
• A change of perspective creates growth; When you think about some of the most meaningful movies or books you’ve ever seen or read, it probably involves watching someone’s perspective change. The Star Wars series is an embodiment of this – when we watch someone cross from the “dark” side into the “light.” Or vice versa. The battle of what’s their truth – what’s their belief – and how perspectives can change for good and bad.
• Living with uncertainty is a skill.

The voicemail message for today is from a listener who’s been on disability for years and is struggling with self-worth and finding a sense of purpose, especially because her son is graduating, she’s getting a divorce so she’s facing being alone. That’s a lot to have on your plate. What would you say to her?

We'll also hear from two of SelfWork's awesome sponsors: AG1 and MagBreakthrough!

Vital Links: 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

And... Click this link to order Magnesium Breakthrough with a free product giveaway and 10% off your order!

You can hear more about boundaries and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

The Forbes article on being right or being effective.

Cleveland Clinic article describing the traits of sociopathy

Take a look at this ambiguous images! 

SelfWork episode: Depression Is Not Simply A Chemical Imbalance: Part 2

 

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Radical acceptance is a termed that describes a way of being - acknowledging the reality of what is happening rather than fighting it emotionally and thus, causing yourself, and perhaps even others, more suffering. I very much like a Carl Rogers quote that Tara Brach, author of the 2003 best-seller, Radical Acceptance, used in her book; “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Radical acceptance takes that idea even further – that accepting what happens in your life also brings a much greater ability to cope rationally with it.

The listener email is from a therapist who’s dating someone who sounds severely depressed. And she doesn’t know what to do. I’ll see if I can come up with a couple of ideas for her – and all you “helpers” (and I’m one of them) can get helped yourself.

Important Links:

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Blog post about empty nest called Separate Houses

Article by Margarita Tartaskovsky in Psych Central.

Excerpt from Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

My dad used to say to us as kids, “Your rights end where someone else’s nose begins.” And that’s where I began learning about boundaries. Psychological boundaries are those that define where your own personal limits are as to what is emotionally harmful, and what is not. And that is unique to every individual. We'll ask these questions: What makes a boundary necessary to voice? Are there “understood” boundaries? When does a boundary have a positive effect and when is it not? How is a boundary different from a demand? Or is it? What is your recourse if a boundary you’ve set and explained is continuously ignored or blatantly defied?

The listener email has a great question about how a history of an ex with a pornography problem and the underlying deceit can have an effect on future trust and self-confidence. She’s asking for help – what can she do?

Vital Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

And... Click this link to order Magnesium Breakthrough with a free product giveaway and 10% off your order!

You can hear more about boundaries and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Terry McGuire is a former broadcast journalist and voiceover talent who has earned a living with her voice for more than four decades. After experiencing her longest and darkest depression, she decided to use her experience to begin to give voice to depression through beginning the podcast - Giving Voice to Depression. There, she has collected and shared stories of her weekly guest's resilience struggles, provided mental health management tools, and general experiences of depression Her message is clear: she wants listeners to know that they're not alone, that recovery is possible, and the dark thoughts in their minds are symptoms -  and not truths.

She's got a lot of titles after her name. She's president of with the non-profit Giving Voice to Mental Illness. During the pandemic, she became a certified peer support specialist. She's on the board of directors of NAMI of Wisconsin, the steering committee of Prevent Suicide Greater Milwaukee, and works as a mental health advocate with the AB COR Foundation for Mental Health. I'm honored to known her, and to bring to your attention another great mental health podcast.

Important Links! 

Click this link to order Magnesium Breakthrough with a free product giveaway and 10% off your order!

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today we’re going to talk about guilt and self-forgiveness. Basically there are two forms of guilt. Healthy guilt – or when you feel remorse for something that you did or said or felt – and maladaptive guilt which is guilt that doesn’t serve any positive rationale, but instead eats you up from the inside. For example, survivor’s guilt, a fairly common kind of guilt, is maladaptive. I’ll also offer my own seven steps to self-forgiveness. For many, especially for those who struggle with depression already, self-forgiveness can be a struggle.

Please know this episode may be triggering for those of you who’ve been through a difficult experience and listen with caution and care.

Here are those seven steps:

• You choose or want to do the work of forgiving yourself. That means you don’t wallow in blame, but you also take your share of the responsibility.
• Look at your past and see if you were constantly blamed (you were the “black sheep”) or if you weren’t guided to take responsibility (you were never in the wrong). Either end of the spectrum could be paralyzing
• Seek a therapist’s help or talk to a trusted friend to shed light on this dynamic. Acknowledge how you could be repeating the pattern.
• With this new perspective, write out what your mistake was. Did you see that it was a mistake and make it anyway, or did you not realize it was?
• Ask yourself, “If someone I cared about made this mistake, would I treat them the same way I’m treating myself?” Have self-compassion.
• Visualize and write out what it would be like for you to forgive yourself – to take responsibility but not to wallow.
• Do something constructive. Make amends if possible. And move on.

The voicemail for today isn’t meant to create any kind of political or spiritual furor. So please recognize that. But the poignancy of this listener’s question rang very true to me – and that is, “What am I supposed to do when my therapist seemed to understand and have compassion for what I shared with him, but I later learn has very strong opinions about the rightness and wrongness of that choice?"  The topic happens to be abortion – but the process, not the content, is why I’m responding. It’s about experiencing a betrayal of trust by your therapist.

Important Links:

 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

SelfWork Episode on survivor’s guilt in Episode 240

Psych Central featured a story on guilt,

A wonderful article on Covid and survivor's guilt

You can hear more about forgiveness and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I’m so delighted to bring you this interview in recognition of Suicide Awareness Month. Why? Erin Gallagher, current interim executive director of This Is My Brave, is going to tell you about the life and suicidal death of her son, Jay. His life was ended after his high school had been alerted there were warning signs – big ones – very alarming ones – and because he didn’t “seem” depressed and denied it, they ignored these signs. They didn’t dig any further than Jay saying, “No I’m not depressed.”

Erin has poured herself into learning more about why this school counselor didn’t search further. Why Jay was believed so readily. Our paths met because of my work in perfectly hidden depression. Her discoveries are achingly true: one being that even those who’ve sought therapy don’t report suicidal thoughts – due to fear, stigma, or their own denial that’s being pressured day in and day out by intrusive thoughts of dying that can invade even the most “perfect” seeming of lives. Please listen – but listen with care. I am honored to be her friend and greatly respect what she’s done and is doing about Jay’s death and how it occurred.

Vital Links:

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

And... Click this link to order Magnesium Breakthrough and enjoy a whopping 42% savings!

Erin Gallagher's own story for This Is My Brave's first high school performance.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques included can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

How would you answer the question, "How's your mental health?'

If you watched the Olympics, you saw Simone Biles not only succeed wildly, but demonstrate to all the world how important maintaining her mental health has been to her. She talked openly about regular therapy sessions and the meditation practice that you could see her doing between competitions. Today we’re going to talk about the concept of mental health versus mental illness. It’s a crucial distinction – and one that I think a lot of people get mixed up. As Simone said of her departure from the Tokyo Olympics four years ago: “Nor do I have to explain why I put my health first. Physical health is mental health.”

The voicemail message for today is from someone whose mother wants to treat her still as if she were a child – and tries to maintain control over her now grown daughter. I’ll have some ideas… although I’m happy to report that she’s read some of my work and that has offered her an explanation of why she’s feeling the way she does.

Vital Links:

The UK mind.org post on what creates mental health

Dr. Margaret's podcast episode on how to build self-esteem

Advertisers' Link:

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Here’s a special preview of the new season of The Happiness Lab for the YGTG for this month!  You might think you know what it takes to lead a happier life… more money, a better job, or Instagram-worthy vacations. You’re dead wrong. Yale professor Dr. Laurie Santos has studied the science of happiness and found that many of us do the exact opposite of what will truly make our lives better.

She’ll take you through the latest scientific research and share some surprising and inspiring stories that will change the way you think about happiness. In the preview you’re about to hear, Laurie is joined by the US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy to talk about a massive public health crisis that has touched nearly all of us at some time or another: loneliness. Loneliness is a far more common and far more serious problem than we think. If we're feeling lonely, what can we do? As you'll hear in this preview, we need to build out our social connections.

Hear more fromThe Happiness Lab at https://podcasts.pushkin.fm/thls5?sid=selfwork.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

One of my favorite things to do on SelfWork is to respond to your questions! The first is a reaction to a recent podcast from 19 year-old podcaster Sadie Sutton who was explaining her journey with depression and her parents’ role in it. This listener wanted to know if I was following up with an interview with her parents – a great question actually. But no, that’s not the plan. But I wanted to respond to some of her thoughts as that episode touched a sensitive and vulnerable place in her heart – and maybe it did yours as well.

The second email is from someone whose partner has been diagnosed as BPD/bipolar and is looking for some support for herself. And the third from a listener who’s turned to his family for affirmation – and keeps getting ignored or even criticized for it. His question – how do I become my own cheerleader?

Vital Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Sadie Sutton Interview on SelfWork

Episode 86 on support for someone who loves someone with borderline personality disorder

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

What’s emotional incest? (Please be aware that you could be triggered by this episode if abuse is in your past and I’ll share links to help lines.) It’s not the same as sexual incest – but can certainly cause its own type of damage. It falls within the dynamic of enmeshment but has its own definition and characteristics. Emotional incest is defined as a parent turning to a child to meet their emotional needs instead of having that relationship with an adult.  We’ll talk about how it happens and how it’s so often missed since it can appear as if all is normal, when it's not at all. And as always, we'll focus on what you can do about it.

The listener voicemail is from someone who used what she called discipline to parent but her kids have some resentment toward her. We’ll talk about what she could do.

Vital Links!!!

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

International Sexual Abuse Hotlines

Sean Grover's article in Psychology Today on Emotional Incest

Check out SelfWork  Episode 62 on being overly close to your parent and Episode 224 on steps out of enmeshment

Dr. Pat Love's book The Emotional Incest Syndrome

Don Miguel Ruiz' book The Four Agreements

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

We can’t believe it! 300 episodes!!! And that’s due to your loyalty and your emails and your messages and your support and your reviews and…. well, you!   Thank you!!!

I had a topic in mind for this three hundredth episode of SelfWork. But I realized that what was on my heart and mind was how so many of you don’t think you have the time to deal with whatever depression or anxiety you might be feeling. Well I’m delighted you’re taking this next 25 minutes to listen – as today we talk about what may surprise you – that it doesn’t take as much time as you may think to do your own selfwork – or even to practice how to change your own relationship with time and yourself in the process.

It's about acknowledgement. And that takes a minute.

Then we have a little something to hopefully add a smile to your day! It's time for another blooper reel!

Vital Links! 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

And... Click this link to order Magnesium Breakthrough and enjoy a whopping 42% savings!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I’ve had many people tell me over the years that they feel free to tell me things because they know I cannot tell anyone else. That’s true of course- unless I believe that there's imminent danger of some kind to them or someone else. But I don’t think of my role as that of secret-keeper. Instead I think of a therapist as offering safety rather than secrecy. Part of the safety is the secrecy – but of course, in abusive or manipulative relationships, secrecy is often used with malintent. So today, we’re going to talk about secrets.

Here are the questions we'll answer!

• What are the most common secrets?
• Why can some people not keep a secret or why are they a tattletale or a gossip?
• What’s the difference between secrecy and privacy? Or secrecy and confidentiality?
• Is it true that when something is kept secret from you, it has no impact on you?
• What’s the difference between Secrecy and manipulation? And secrecy and abuse?

The SpeakPipe voicemail for today is from a woman who revealed childhood sexual abuse to her sister; her abuser was a brother, 8 years older than she. Sadly, the sister has withdrawn from her – and now she’s asking me what she should do. What would you say?

Vital Links: 

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Episode 217 on sibling sexual abuse

Interview with Michael Slepian about his new book on secrets

Psychology Today article by Michael Slepian

Why some people can't keep a secret...

How you can tell someone is lying.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

On SelfWork, I love to feature people who have used their own experience – and sometimes that experiences involves loss or grief – to live through something that has taught them important lessons. And they want to share that you.

Krista St-Germain is that kind of person. I’ll let her tell her story but I think you’ll be surprised at some of how she handled her response. She studied to become a life coach in order to try to learn what she needed to do to work through her grief and began a podcast so that, she, like me, could reach more people who were also widows and moms. She focuses on post-traumatic growth – and she stresses that PTG doesn’t involved romanticizing trauma – somehow trying to convince yourself or others that your trauma is something that you’re supposed to be glad happened. Not at all. But what you do with it is important.

Some of her major points:

• The myth about the grief stages
• How to avoid the social expectations surrounding grief
• Her truth about trauma, moving forward, and post-traumatic growth

Vital Links!

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

And... Click this link to order Magnesium Breakthrough and enjoy a whopping 42% savings!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

A listener left a voicemail for me within the past couple of weeks… in fact, two. Basically she asked, “I have trouble bonding with people and find myself not expecting too much. I’m in a good relationship now with my partner, but how do I get over this issue?  Can you give tips on how to start trusting myself, others and especially my parents?” I want to stress that being able to trust is about connection – about intimacy – and if you struggle with it, then you’ll not experience true connection, but isolation and fear. The good news is, as Bessel Van Der Kolk says in The Body Keeps The Score, “As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself…The critical issue is allowing yourself to know what you know. That takes an enormous amount of courage.” Trigger warning: We’ll be talking about specific examples of abuse.

The voicemail for today is from a listener who had severe withdrawal symptoms from being on an antidepressant for year, and asks about how to avoid withdrawal problems.  Again I’m not a medical doctor but I can convey what I’ve observed clinically.

Our sponsors today are Ozark Mountain Medicine whose CBD products are the best of the best, and the number one online therapy service, BetterHelp!

So sit back and relax – get in touch with your breathing and your body (that's another hint...) and let’s learn about how you can begin to trust after abuse.

Vital Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

And... Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

An article by Darius Cikanavicius that offered us a great way to organize our discussion and I'd highly recommend it!

I"d also recommend reading Bessel Van Der Kolk's The Body Keeps The Score for wonderful practical and conceptual advice on healing from abuse!

A SelfWork YGTG on pharmacogenomics testing

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today on You Get the Gist, you’re going to get to hear from Wade LIghtheart  Who’s Wade Lightheart? Well, he’s the cofounder of BiOptimizers, who became a new sponsor of SelfWork just last week! But he’s a three-time Canadian national all-natural body building champion, and a former Mr. Universe contestant who trained as a vegan – so he’s a guy that’s doing things differently. I think you’ll find him personable and his message truly vital to hear.

Click HERE for BiOptimizers special offer on Magnesium Breakthrough and watch your sleep - and your mental health - improve!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today we’re going to focus on how to help your teen with depression through an interview with a  great guest, 19 year-old Sadie Sutton, host of the podcast She Persisted. She was first diagnosed with depression when she was 13 and by the age of 14, had been hospitalized four times for severe depression, anxiety, and suicidality. Realizing things were going nowhere fast, her parents took her to McLean Hospital, a residential inpatient program. And it was there  - life changed.

Why should you listen and share her story? Suicide is the second-leading cause of death among people aged 15 to 24 in the US. 20% of high school students report serious thoughts of suicide and 9% have made attempts. Ohio State football player Harry Miller’s revelations that he attempted suicide, shared his struggles with his coach and got help. He says, “This is not an issue reserved for the far and away,” wrote Miller. “It is in our homes. It is in our conversations. It is in the people we love.”

Here are some of the salient points from Sadie:

• Her parents, especially her dad, didn’t realize or even perhaps believe, that a teenager could be clinically depressed – and his efforts to “snap her out of it” or “tough love” made things worse.
• Prior to McLean, none of her therapists or the programs she entered asked for her commitment to the process of healing they proposed. In fact, they flat said that her stay would do her no good if she wasn’t going to choose to do the work. And that requirement is what caused her to actually do the work of healing.
• Her parents took part of family therapy and learned a new way of talking about conflict, of expressing emotions, or negotiating, and of being aware of your impact on others.
• She's a huge fan of DBT 9 Dialectical Behavior Therapy and she talks about some of its basic tenets.

But before we begin the interview, I’m so excited to introduce you to a new sponsor here at SelfWork! Magnesium Breakthrough. As always, I’ve tried it myself and will tell you what kind of results I’ve had! They have a wonderful offer for SelfWork listeners – so please listen in to what could be the start of more restful sleep for you – and thus, a more stable mood and good daily energy.

Vital Links:

Click HERE for BiOptimizers special offer on Magnesium Breakthrough and watch your sleep - and your mental health - improve!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I’m thrilled today to introduce you to a new sponsor of SelfWork! Not only have I used this product for over three years,  but it suddenly dawned on me that I should talk to them about a collaboration! And voilá… here it is. Let me introduce you to Ozark Mountain Medicine’s fantastic CBD products!

We’re delving into my SelfWork emailbag again this week – and the questions you’ve brought me will resonate with many of you. I love hearing from all of you – because it gives me a chance to give back to those of you who are listeners in a very specific way. What are those topics? The relationship between self-esteem and lying, what to do with things that are left behind by someone who died (and this listener’s father had died by suicide – so trigger warning here), and last, is there a danger if you take medication for depression that it will numb you to your feelings?

Our second sponsor today is Athletic Greens – another product I use daily - and we’ll hear from them later in the broadcast!.

Vital Links: 

Click this link to try out some of the best CBD out there! Ozark Mountain Medicine's CBD products and get 10% off! 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

An informative Forbes article on lying and the neuroscience behind it.

VeryWell Mind article on feeling numb due to antidepressant use

Pharmacogenetic testing and SelfWork Episode on Pharmacogenetics

SelfWork episode on A Psychologist's View of Medication Use

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

How do you grieve a parent's death?

Even older adults have told me they feel "orphaned" after both of their parents die. So imagine what can happen when a parent dies when a child is young. There are all kinds of reasons for that child to feel as if their life will never be the same - that the loss makes it impossible to recover their innocence or contentment.

Today we'll hear from a listener who's describing this very dynamic. So much of what happens to a child depends on the adults around them. Yet, I offer ideas on what you can do about it as an adult yourself... as always. The death can't be changed, obviously. But how you live on, how you work through your grief, can be helped through these proactive steps.

Advertiser's Link: 

Click HERE for the NEW fabulous offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

If you've listened to SelfWork, or read my book Perfectly Hidden Depression, you know that I've cautioned about doctors and clinicians' overdependence on the DSM-V (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition). In this riveting conversation with the author of Pathological: The True Story of Six Misdiagnoses and activist Sarah Fay, she tells her story of being labeled with six different diagnoses during three decade  of treatment, all accompanied by prescribed medications with, at times, very difficult side effects, and numerous therapy techniques. Until finally, one psychiatrist told her - after the typical 30 minute initial visit - "I don't know what you have." His humility and caution changed her life, and she began looking into exactly what this "DSM" was and learning how subjective mental health diagnoses can be.

She's also quick to say that she's developed a healthy respect for mental health providers, as the field is a complex one to navigate. And as a provider myself, I know that there are many facets to "diagnosing" that have to be considered. That said, an accurate diagnosis takes more than 30 minutes to determine.

So, in this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, I hope you'll learn more about how mental illness diagnoses are made - and how you can have a conversation with your provider or clinician to make sure that you are truly seen and understood, not "labeled."

Vital Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Shame. People often come into therapy saying things like, “I’m afraid I’m wasting your time, “ or, “I don’t know why I can’t pull myself together, “ Or, “If I believed in my faith and God enough, I wouldn’t be here. But because I am, I’ve failed.”

I know – without a doubt – I’m listening to shame talking.

Today, we’re going to focus on the shame that you may carry around – that doesn’t belong to you. Here are the ten most common birthplaces of shame you've never deserved... but carried with you. And it's time to challenge any voices that tell you differently, because they're flawed and were absorbed by you as a child.

• You were treated like an object through physical or sexual abuse.
• You were neglected and your most basic needs were intentionally unmet.
• You were valued only for external attributes or achievements, not for who you were.
• You were put on a pedestal or smothered, so you lack a sense of true security in yourself. Instead, you could “do no wrong.”
• You were put in charge as a child, did the best you could, but ultimately felt as if you failed.
• You were pulled into adult conflicts/dynamics that you couldn’t fix.
• What hurt you was invalidated or you feared rejection if you revealed your true self.
• You weren’t allowed to want/be/talk/think differently than your parents.
• You grew up in a family where nothing made rational sense and rules were always changing.
• You were compared negatively to others.

The listener voicemail is from someone who’s been diagnosed with Bp 1, 2, and then BPD, and he’s become overly reclusive. But it sounds as if his biggest impediment to becoming more successful professionally and personally is his tendency to take what others say too personally – and building a wall of resentment toward them which is self-sabotaging to the work. At the same time, he has friends and family who are supportive – so what’s going wrong?

So please come with me today in this episode sponsored by AG1, as we discuss 10 sources of shame – and of course, what you can do about it…

Vital Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Excellent article on 17 shaming states children hear in shame-based families by Doran Lamb

BetterHelp''s extremely helpful article illustrating how to find a Certified DBT Therapist

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today's YGTG (You Get the Gist) is focused on self-help; can you seek out too much help? The answer is yes. Self-help can actually make some people feel inferior and ashamed, rather than better about themselves - especially if you inundate yourself with it, or are almost addicted to seeking out articles and TikTok's and Instagram reels. And... podcasts.

Even though I'm one of those people who are trying to offer my experience as a psychologist, I've often suggested to people that they need to stop looking outside of themselves for answers or waiting for just one more piece of information before they act. You can get into analysis paralysis - and time passes, and passes, and passes. And you do nothing - because you're so afraid of making a mistake.

So... if it will be helpful - truly helpful - please listen in to the wisdom of Mel Robbins and Mark Manson. But know you and only you can learn to trust yourself.

Vital Links:

Mel Robbins' five-second rule.

Great article by Mark Manson on the one thing that self-help cannot help you do.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Back when I was busy creating my own emotional chaos,  my therapists used CBT therapy (cognitive behavioral therapy) and family systems therapy – both of which were very helpful to me. But today, we’re taking a dive into a therapy I wish had existed then ...  DBT or dialectical behavior therapy. Why? Because DBT teaches distinct tools for those whose decision-making is highly governed by their intense emotions. And those tools are not only practical, but practice-able.

What I learned when I took that dive was that the tools of DBT are immense! And there are way too many of them for one episode! So, we’re going to focus on one aspect of DBT – the role of distress tolerance - which is one of the four modules of DBT.

The listener voicemail today is from a woman who’s confused because her husband has told her he no longer has feelings for her -especially sexual feelings – and she doesn’t know what to do. I’ll do my best to offer some ideas..

This episode is once again sponsored by BetterHelp, consistently rated as one of the best online therapy opportunities out there. And I checked and here’s an article by BH on finding a DBT therapist – and they offer tremendous ideas! But today, they have an offer for SelfWork listeners!

Vital Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Follow along with this episode by clicking on the info from this DBT great website to learn more about DBT!

A wonderful article on BetterHelp on how to find a DBT-certified therapy near you!

General information from Psych Central on DBT.

A SelfWork episode  on radical acceptance… and wow, it’s from almost 100 episodes ago!!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

What's one of the most frequent questions I get from SelfWorkers?

 What do you do when you care about someone who’s depressed or destructive or anxious or ill and they don’t seem to be able to or even want to help themselves? Maybe from your perspective they’ve given up, are in denial, or are extremely defensive about how they’re living or how their struggles are impacting you, the family, them, their job – their entire life.  Part of many mental and emotional problems – especially those that involve seeming distortions in thinking – are hard to recognize by the person who has those very beliefs or behaviors. Or maybe they don't see their depression – or their impulsivity – or their hypervigilance – as something that could be helped and/or treated.

When you're trying to love them, you can feel confusion, helplessness, self-righteousness, anger, sadness, irritation, disappointment – so many emotions. So today, we'll focus on five tips of what to do  – or try to do about it. And a quick hint… sometimes the “it” isn’t how to get your point across to the other person. Sometimes it means looking at yourself and reevaluating your own choices.

The listener email today is from a young woman who found my book PHD on Audible recently and she’s giving me what the book has meant to her. You might find yourself in her story… and if so, I hope the book could help you as well.

And in response to hearing from many of you these past few weeks about the meaning of Perfectly Hidden Depression for you - and for a little summer kick, here's a giveaway for you!!!  Email me at askdrmargaret@drmargaretrutherford.com or send me a voicemail.via SpeakPipe … and for the 10th email and the 4th Speakpipe, I’ll send you a free signed copy of my book PHD! So two ways of winning!

Here are the five tips:

1. Make sure you check your own agenda.
2. Remain available but know you may have to emotionally detach.
3. Recognize your loved one may not have the capacity to make the desired change at this time. Maybe they're learning something they need to learn.
4. Take care of yourself, and by so doing, you're acting as a role model as well.
5. Keep watch over your own mental and emotional state. Find a trusted friend or therapist to confide in.

So in this episode of SW, also sponsored by AG1, let’s focus on how you can approach or cope with depression and anxiety disorders in someone you love – when they themselves can’t seem to try or don’t agree with you that something is a problem.

Important Links: 

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

Wonderful Tiny Buddha article on what to do when someone you love won't help themselves.

Excellent article on Boardwalk Recovery: about Al-Anon

YouTube video on recent rise of young female suicides in Japan

Perfectly Hidden Depression Questionnaire

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Trigger Warning: Suicide and Violence

You may not know that suicide kills more first responders each year than die in the line of duty. This is one of many things that need to change.

This book, Relentless Courage, was written with this fact in mind. It's co-authored by Doc Shauna Springer and Michael Sugrue, formerly a member of an elite Air Force squad and a veteran police officer It was only during his police experience and after that Michael was pummeled by the incessant nightmares and flashbacks of PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder.  Relentless Courage tells his story so that other first responders can know they are not alone in their mental and emotional struggle.

Doc Springer and Michael also want you to know that this story and its powerful message has nothing to do with choosing “sides” - or the belief that you either side with the police or with the protestors. That does not need to be. Instead, there can be compassion for all – so that solutions – ideas for positive change – can emerge from compassion for all.. In fact, their efforts are trying to help those of us who aren’t first responders to feel – to recognize – the trauma that those that serve face every day. And to build into the police culture that their personal trauma and injury needs to be recognized – so that there can be support while they’re serving as police.

If you have trauma or violence in your past, please listen with caution. Yet I offer this episode for this patriotic weekend – as we all move forward to understand the pain of all trauma - and strive for compassion and understanding, instead of distrust and disdain. And if you are or know a first responder, this might be the episode they most need to hear.

BetterHelp is the proud sponsor of this episode, and is readily available to help anyone and everyone who needs it.

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I’ve long been fascinated by the connections between our minds and our bodies, so much so that I wrote my dissertation (the original research you must complete before they give you a Ph.D.) on pseudoseizures. What are those? They look like actual seizures -  which are bursts of uncontrolled electrical activity between neurons that can cause all kinds of movements and abnormalities in muscle tone, sensations, or states of awareness. But they’re not.  Pseudoseizures are seizure-like activity that’s apparently caused by emotional/psychological factors.

So today we’re focusing on the mind/body interaction – how your brain processes physical and emotional pain – a brief touch on what are called somatic disorders -  but what I want to focus on how your body might be expressing the pain or trauma you’ve experienced in your life. It's an intriguing topic and one I hope you'll enjoy.

The listener voicemail is from a daughter who believes her mom may have something to do with her being ill and not knowing how to leave or get other help. This could be something called “munchausen’s syndrome by proxy” which is a very complicated dynamic – but it might also be that this daughter’s mom has been part of her trauma. I’ll offer suggestions for both..

So in this episode, sponsored by AG1, let’s learn together about just how your body and mind are interconnected – which of course is what AG is all about! Settle in and I’m so glad you’re here.

Scads of Important Links!

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

A recent Forbes article… discussing how your brain processes physical and social pain.

Depression Isn't Simply A Chemical Imbalance Part One (SelfWork Podcast)

Depression Isn't Simply A Chemical Imbalance Part Two (SelfWork)

An article on somatic disorders found on VeryWellMind.

How To Become An Emotional Grownup I don’t have time sadly to discuss all of it – but here’s a

A recent Psychology Today article about different techniques that you can try to "get at" your body's holding on to trauma. And encouraging it to let go.

Article on FDIA. Facticious Disorder impoased on another

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

What risks do you run when you follow a quest for popularity or even celebrity? Envy is right at the top of the list, and today I'll offer 8 different signs that your need for external validation is running too high, and 6 more that reflect that envy has taken hold of your mind and heart. Envy is defined as believing yourself to be worthy of what you perceive others getting and your behavior then can become governed by that poisonous belief. We'll talk about the need for all of us to have a balance between what validation we receive externally with what we're able to give ourselves internally - and when those are out of balance, what you can do about it!

Then the third thing we’ll focus on is celebrity. Does being well known have a downside? Here’s what Tim Ferriss, whose podcast has been downloaded 700 M times, has to say about the fame he’s achieved, like it or not.  "If you suddenly had 100,000 or 1,000,000 or 10,000,000 more followers, what might happen? I thought I knew, and I was naive".

The listener voicemail this week is from a man whose brother is depressed but will do nothing about it. You can hear his concern and sense of helplessness in his voicemail – and I’ll do my best to try to offer some ideas.

So today in this episode sponsored by the #1 online therapy provider, BetterHelp, , we’re talking about the quest to be known – to be recognized by many – how you can know that you’ve become envious - the difference between internal and external validation (and how a balance of both is really great) – all of that! And what  megapodcaster Tim Ferris might say… welcome to the 288th episode of SW!

Here are the signs of being too needy or dependent on external validation:

• You scroll through others FB/tiktok/Instagram and compare their feedback to yours.
• You are almost constantly checking your own numbers or ‘likes’
• You bring up your own work with others without being asked.
• You begin to alter your life so that it ‘looks’ better on social media – or if social media isn’t involved, you spend time worrying that your life doesn’t seem “special” enough.
• The bulk of your time is spent trying to meet or exceed the expectations of others (this is very true in what’s called socially-prescribed perfectionism and is highly destructive.”
• You discount or deny your fear of disappointing others. Or being seen as having made a mistake.
• You begin to hide your insecurity by drinking more or using drugs.
• You’ve had tough – very tough – childhood experiences or traumas that you don’t disclose or you’ve never worked through.

And here's now it can  move into very ugly envy.

• You aren’t happy for others when they achieve success.
• Another person’s success makes you feel unhappy. I’ll take this even farther.
• You feel the need to diminish someone else’s success. You’ll say something about them that’s harsh or belittling.
• You judge others negatively.
• You’re happy when others face setbacks.
• You surround yourself with other envious people so you get validation.

Important Links:

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

Interesting interview with the actress who plays Lady Whistledown/Penelope in Bridgerton.

A blogpost by Tim Ferriss about what you may really get from fame

SelfWork Episode 010 on loving someone with depression

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I use all kinds of stories and metaphors in therapy  to help people actually remember a point. I’m not sure when I started doing it, but there’s something about a story or a picture that cements or anchors an idea in your mind. Just think about in Forrest Gump, the famous “Life is like a box of chocolates” and you’ll understand.

So today, I want to read you a poem that I use all the time in therapy. The author, Portia Nelson was an American popular singer, songwriter, actress, and author. In 1965, she portrayed the cantankerous Sister Berthe in the film version of The Sound of Music,and on TV's All My Children Nelson played the long-running role of nanny Mrs. Gurney. Her book of poetic musings, There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery, became a mainstay of twelve-step programs.

Here's Portia's poem that can act as an anchor for you!

“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

― Portia Nelson, There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

If you like SelfWork because we talk about "what you can do about it," this interview will be incredibly helpful to you! As a therapist who focuses a lot on how to move from negative, destructive thinking to much more positive, motivating self-talk - I've learned that HOW you talk to yourself highly influences what you actually do. I've asked people who are fighting viciously with one another to imagine what they want their relationship to look like in five years - and all of a sudden, their communication improves or is less vitriolic. In order to distance from pain, someone will move from saying "I feel..," into referring to themselves in second tense. "When something like this happens, you feel...". It's good emotional management.

It turns out these "techniques" have names or labels! Ethan Kross is a highly respected researcher from the University of Michigan - and his new book Chatter; The Voice In Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It identifies, verifies, and organizes these techniques for you! He's one of the world’s leading experts on controlling the conscious mind and as an award-winning professor in the University of Michigan’s top ranked Psychology Department and its Ross School of Business, he's the director of the Emotion & Self Control Laboratory. His research and teachings can show you how you can very purposefully change the way you talk to yourself so that you find more calm, resolution, creativity, and empowerment.  And he tells animated stories of how that chatter can lead to struggle, giving Simone Biles as a recent example. She opted out of the last Olympics due to her awareness that her own thinking was negatively influencing her performance and in so doing, honored the idea that your mental well-being and inner life has to be considered when making decisions.

So in this episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens or AG1, I know you'll be fascinated by his inspiring and useful ways of changing your inner conversation!

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Perspective is a gift. But most of us gain our perspective from years of living and learning. Life often hands us challenges that build that perspective and that wisdom.

But not too many people have two catastrophic medical conditions to cope with – and certainly not two that occurred in the span of a decade.

Lindsey Roy had just that.

At age 31, Lindsey Roy was named vice-president at Hallmark Cards — one of the youngest in the company’s more-than-100-year history. Her life was abruptly transformed five years later when she was nearly killed in a boating accident. Left with an amputated left leg and severe limb injuries, and facing a long and difficult recovery ahead, she was determined not just to heal, but to emerge stronger.

A second blow... 

Eight years post-accident, fully adapted to her circumstances and genuinely thriving, Lindsey confronted the unexpected again: she was diagnosed with a rare and progressive disease that destroyed the blood vessels in her lungs, requiring a double-lung transplant. This profound setback challenged her to actively shift her viewpoint in order to discover the hidden advantages of her situation and new depths of resilience in herself.

Now a sought-after speaker, she’s imparting these hard-won lessons to help you adapt, persevere, and innovate in your own life.

Vital Links

Lindsay's Roys 2017 TEDx

The Gift of Perspective - her first book recently published.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Trigger Warning: References to Suicide (International Suicide Prevention Resources)

After the shootings in New York, California and Texas within the last couple of weeks, I'm preparing an episode concerning mental health issues that may play a part in violent crime, but also - and very clearly - where they do not play a part. Hatred can be taught. Absorbed. It's very different than true mental illness. But that research will take a bit.

So, this episode highlights the email questions that you’ve sent to me – and my responses. The questions are diverse, as well as challenging. The first is from a man who identifies with perfectly hidden depression but cannot see a way to not fear that others will see his vulnerability.. The second from a mother of three whose suffered with postpartum depression, while her own mom has abandoned her. She says quite poignantly, “I see articles written on adult children abandoning their parents, but not adult parents abandoning their adult children.”  Last, we’ll hear from a widow who found an article of mine on her deceased spouse’s IPad – he killed himself before he even made it to a second therapy session with her after she learned of an affair. And she has deep, troubling feelings – and wants my help.

BetterHelp is sponsoring this episode – I’m always honored to answer your questions. And today is no exception. Thank you for being here. Settle in and let’s learn more about these issues.

Important Links and A Great Offer! 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

My article in the Gottman Blog about healing from affairs

Episode on suicide from Nora McInerny's podcast "Terrible Thanks for Asking."

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

My mom used to write T H I N K on my forehead as a child. Ugh. I hated that! ! But it was definitely her way of trying to teach me self-control, a skill that I didn't have much of as a child!

Today we’re going to focus on three skills that are considered ego skills or what compose ego strengths. First is self-regulation or how you monitor and cope with your emotions. Second is self-control - how you manage your impulses and reactions. And third is self-motivation - what does it take to give you a sense of proactivity and purpose. SelfWork is almost always about "what you can do about it" and this episode is no different. We'll define how these three skills interact and how you can build them into your own set of skills - so that they're available to you when you need them.

So in today's episode, sponsored by Athletic Greens, you'll learn that rehearsal is vital – not only to prove to yourself that you can change and grow – but to give your brain a chance to build new neurological circuitry.

The listener voicemail for today features a mom who feels completely disrespected by her now adult children. And asks if I have any advice… What would you say?

Important Links:

Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription!

VeryWellMind article on self-regulation

Podcast by Andrew Huberman called The Huberman Lab.

Tony Robbins article on self-motivation

Jessica Stillman article on Huberman's work

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Warning: This episode could act as a trigger due to its topic. Please listen with caution.

The murders in Uvalde, Texas this week may pull for many different reactions to such senseless violence. And the unbelievable but very real fact that children were once again targeted makes it even more devasting. 

I humbly offer these suggestions to you to help you make sense and give direction to your own swirling emotions as well as the way to talk to your children about how they might be feeling.

• Look around you and do something you have control over.
• Talk to your children. Allow them to share and work through their feelings and guide them to focus on an act of kindness toward others.
• Journal your own feelings but couple that expression with a plan, no matter how simple.
• Ask for help if you need it.
• Use your anger or anguish not as a weapon, but as motivation.
• This is trauma. Know that you are being affected. And that the only healing direction is through the feelings that you have. 
• And as always, take very good care. Of yourself, your loved ones, and your community.

You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my websiteand receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Where did you learn who Josh Peck was? Through his award-winning performance in Drake and Josh when he was a teen? Starring next to Ben Kingsley in The Wackness? Or has it been more recently in Disney+ Turner and Hooch? What I learned in this interview is that you likely didn't know who Josh was, because for years, he strenuously devoted himself to developing the Josh he wanted you to see. The comic. The really funny guy. Only through fighting severe drug addiction and finding sobriety did he begin to realize what he hadn't wanted anyone, including himself, to see.

Abandoned by his dad, Josh grew up in a very loving but somewhat vagabond partnership with his mom; he decided on the cusp of adolescence that he was going to be successful. And he was. But the pain he'd been hiding from was waiting for him - as it always is. Celebrity overdoses that ended in death - Heath Ledger and Brad Renfro - woke him up to what he was doing. As well as finding what he calls his "Apostles" - a piece of advice he got from Sir Ben Kingsley himself.

I loved talking with Josh. His book is funny, yes. But his sincerity and a very mature humility shine through. His journey is more than worth sharing. And his book, Happy People Are Annoying, is available now!

So in this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, you can get to know the real Josh Peck. As he now is. And who he intends to be in the future.

IMPORTANT OFFER FOR YOU! 

BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

Our Sponsors:
* Check out Calm: https://calm.com/SELFWORK


Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands