Explorez tous les épisodes du podcast The RISE to Intimacy Podcast | Sex Therapy, Couples Therapy & Relationships
| Titre | Date | Durée | |
|---|---|---|---|
| How to Deal With Family During the Holidays After Trauma | 10 Nov 2026 | 00:17:48 | |
The holidays can bring up a lot of complicated feelings when you have a history of childhood trauma. You might genuinely look forward to certain traditions while dreading the thought of being around family members who hurt you or ignored what happened. Figuring out how to deal with family during the holidays can leave you feeling torn between wanting to enjoy the season and feeling obligated to keep everyone else happy. Just because your family has always celebrated a certain way doesn't mean you have to keep doing it. You can choose which traditions are meaningful to you, how much time you spend with certain family members, and whether you attend certain gatherings at all. You can even create an entirely different holiday experience with the people who make you feel supported and safe, without having to justify those decisions to everyone else. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I share five ways to prepare for the holidays when childhood trauma makes this time of year difficult. We'll talk about choosing who you celebrate with, creating meaningful traditions, setting boundaries with family members, and preparing for situations that might trigger painful memories. I also share a simple breathing technique you can use when you're feeling overwhelmed, so you can start creating a holiday experience that feels good for you and the people you love. 2:20 – How past Thanksgivings made me feel like I’d been thrown into a lion’s den 3:38 – Cultivate a joyful holiday experience by leaning into your family of creation 6:23 – Create your own holiday traditions that feel meaningful to you and the ones you love 7:52 – A permission slip that’s always a bit controversial, but will protect your peace and sanity 9:59 – How to make an “if then” plan for triggers ahead of time 11:30 – A quick but effective calming tool to keep in your back pocket 14:17 – How to do the cyclic sighing technique to calm you down and improve your mood
Join the Interest List for Couples Connection Bootcamp | |||
| How to Initiate Sex Without Pressure or Awkwardness | 03 Nov 2026 | 00:21:56 | |
It’s 10:30 at night. You’ve both worked all day, handled dinner, chores, and maybe the kids, and you’re finally in bed. One of you rests a hand on the other’s thigh, and the other person starts wondering what it means. Is this affection? Are they trying to initiate sex? For someone who's already exhausted or stressed, having to figure that out can feel like one more thing to deal with at the end of a long day. Most of us were never taught how to initiate sex. We learned from movies, awkward conversations with friends, and a lot of trial and error. And what worked in the early days of a relationship, when desire came more easily, doesn't necessarily work five, ten, or twenty years later. Especially when stress has made sex something you barely have the mental space to think about. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain why some of the most common ways we initiate sex can create confusion or pressure, how stress affects desire, and why initiation can begin long before bedtime. I also share six strategies to help you understand each other's initiation preferences, communicate your interest more clearly, and create more opportunities for connection without making sex feel like an obligation. 3:56 – Why the most common way couples initiate sex often leads to confusion or rejection 6:51 – Three questions to understand how your partner prefers to initiate sex 9:08 – How stress affects sexual desire and why building anticipation matters 12:24 – Why initiating sex often begins long before the actual invitation 14:44 – Talking about initiation preferences and starting the invitation earlier 16:21 – Helping your partner decompress and making your interest in sex clear 18:01 – Creating a shared signal to make initiating sex less awkward 18:58 – How to initiate sex when you experience responsive desire
Psychology Today: “There May Be a Better Way to Initiate Sex with Your Partner” by Petra Zebroff | |||
| Saying Yes When You Mean No Is Building Resentment | 27 Oct 2026 | 00:18:20 | |
You say yes to something your partner asks, even though you really want to say no. Maybe you're trying to avoid an argument, or you're worried they'll be disappointed or upset with you. So you tell yourself it's not a big deal and agree anyway. It feels like the easiest choice in the moment, especially when you don't know how your partner might react if you were honest. The wish that you'd said no doesn't just disappear, though. Each time you agree to something you don't really want, a little more resentment can build until one day, something small pushes you over the edge. Your partner is completely caught off guard because you've been telling them everything is fine. They've been taking your yes at face value, while you've been assuming they should have known you didn't mean it. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how these small, unspoken noes can quietly create resentment in your relationship. We'll look at the difference between saying yes because you genuinely want to and saying yes because you're bracing for your partner's reaction. I also share five steps to help you start being more honest about what you want and give your partner the opportunity to respond to what you're actually feeling.\ 1:36 – The most common response for why clients let their resentment silently build 4:59 – How saying yes to avoid conflict can end up costing you peace and add to your resentment 7:03 – Two reasons why we say yes in a relationship, and how each impacts your partnership 9:16 – The many reasons behind the unspoken no 10:39 – Check your reason before you respond by asking yourself this question first 11:13 – Beyond the yes or no choice: the in-between answers that take the pressure off 11:48 – How to practice saying no in low-stakes situations 13:29 – How to bring up a no you’ve been holding for a while without making it sound like an accusation 13:57 – What to do when you’re genuinely saying yes to something 14:28 – Two reactions when your partner tells you they’ve been holding things in, and how to react without derailing the conversation
Resentment Is the Silent Killer of Sexual Desire Why People Pleasers Lose Desire and How to Reclaim It How to Pause During Conflict Before It Causes Damage Why Your Partner Gets Defensive When You're Not Actually Criticizing Them | |||
| How to Talk About Sex When Your Partner Shuts Down | 20 Oct 2026 | 00:16:45 | |
You're struggling with your sex life, you're desperately missing your partner, and every time you try to talk about it, they change the subject, get irritated, or simply stay silent. Eventually, you stop bringing it up, even though the wanting hasn't gone away. In that silence, your mind starts filling in the gaps with assumptions you haven't checked for accuracy, leaving you wondering whether you're incompatible, whether your partner still loves you, or whether this is the beginning of the end. When your partner won't talk about sex, it's easy to start treating their silence as proof that something is wrong with your relationship. You may not realize how much your own beliefs about sex and compatibility are shaping those conclusions, or that your partner may be carrying an entirely different story about what's happening between you. Meanwhile, you may be grieving the sexual connection you once had, or the one you hoped you'd have together, while still sharing your everyday life with your partner. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how our beliefs about sex and compatibility shape the way we respond when intimacy becomes difficult, and why your partner might be avoiding the conversation altogether. I share ways to recognize and reframe the assumptions you're making so you can approach your partner with more curiosity and less pressure. We also talk about the grief that can come with losing sexual connection and how to think about the future of your relationship if you've made a genuine effort to address what's happening and your partner still won't engage. 2:28 – The beliefs about sex and compatibility that shape your response when intimacy gets difficult 4:16 – Treating your partner's silence as evidence that your relationship is failing 5:04 – What research reveals about sexual satisfaction and believing your sex life can improve 6:28 – The fears that may be making conversations about sex difficult for your partner 7:55 – Recognizing and reframing the assumptions you're making about your partner's silence 9:11 – Inviting your partner to talk about sex without creating pressure 10:32 – Grieving the loss of sexual connection while you're still together 12:41 – Deciding whether you're sexually incompatible when your partner won't discuss your sex life 14:06 – Setting boundaries and considering whether you can still feel fulfilled in your relationship
Why Your Partner Gets Defensive When You're Not Actually Criticizing Them How to Ask Your Partner to Go to Couples Therapy The Difference Between Boundaries and Ultimatums in Relationships | |||
| Why Your Partner Gets Defensive When You’re Not Criticizing Them | 13 Oct 2026 | 00:27:05 | |
You bring up something small with your partner. Maybe it’s the trash that still hasn’t gone out, something they shared in front of friends, or a moment where you felt dismissed. You’re trying to talk about one specific thing, and suddenly you’re hearing, “I can’t do anything right.” When your partner gets defensive like this, the conversation can quickly shift away from what you were actually trying to address. Sometimes the way something is brought up does matter. Leading with “you always” or “you never,” criticizing your partner’s character, or telling them how they made you feel can set them up to go on the defense. Other times, even when you bring something up carefully, your partner may still experience the complaint as a threat to who they are, and that can show up as denying, rationalizing, shutting down, or moving into a shame spiral. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain why defensiveness can take over a conversation even when you’re trying to communicate carefully. I talk about the difference between a complaint and a criticism, what happens when feedback starts to feel like a threat to your sense of self, and how attachment can affect the way you respond. I also share what each of you can do differently so the original concern actually gets addressed instead of turning into a second conflict layered on top of the first. 3:41 – Tone and delivery mistakes that can put your partner on the defensive 5:00 – The difference between a complaint and a criticism 7:59 – When defensiveness causes the original issue to get lost 10:46 – “Spitting versus chewing” and reflexively rejecting feedback 11:50 – What a shame spiral looks like in a relationship 15:54 – Identity threat and why feedback can feel personal 16:46 – Anxious and avoidant attachment responses to feedback 18:52 – Acknowledgment, validation, and mirroring to reduce defensiveness Mentioned In Why Your Partner Gets Defensive When You’re Not Criticizing Them | |||
| Answering Relationship Questions About Sex and Connection | 06 Oct 2026 | 00:24:12 | |
You can be talking to your partner about the same relationship and interpret the conversation completely differently. I learned that recently when I told my partner, Dallas, I was feeling disconnected and found out he heard that very differently than I intended it. Neither of us knew there was a misunderstanding until we actually talked about what that word meant to each of us. While I spend my days talking about sex and relationships as a couples therapist, Dallas didn’t grow up talking about feelings and certainly didn’t learn to do it during his time in the Marine Corps. We have very different levels of comfort with some of these conversations, so we’ve had to keep talking through what we each mean and what we need from each other. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, Dallas joins me to answer relationship questions about sex and connection from Reddit. We start with aftercare and what partners may need from each other after sex, then get into emotional connection and why deeper conversations can feel so uncomfortable. We also share how these conversations have shown up in our own relationship and what we’ve learned from having them together. 1:13 - Answering Reddit relationship questions with Valerie’s partner, Dallas 3:06 - What aftercare can look like and how to ask your partner what they want after sex 6:06 - How Valerie and Dallas realized they meant very different things by “feeling disconnected” 10:02 - What someone may mean when they need emotional connection before sex 13:26 - Can you get an avoidant partner to have deeper, more honest conversations? 15:45 - How Dallas became more comfortable talking about feelings and vulnerability 18:41 - Why difficult conversations trigger defensiveness and how responding gently can build trust 19:51 - What happened when Dallas shared something deeply vulnerable with Valerie 22:19 - How deeper communication changed the way Dallas experiences their relationship
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| Is Watching Porn Cheating in a Relationship? | 29 Sep 2026 | 00:15:01 | |
You found porn on your partner’s phone, and now you’re wondering if watching porn is cheating or if you’re overreacting. Or maybe you’re the one whose partner found it, and you genuinely don’t understand why something you never considered cheating suddenly feels like betrayal to them. Either way, you can end up arguing about a question neither of you ever actually said out loud. That’s why couples can so easily talk past each other when it comes to porn. One person is focused on the fact that no touching happened and no one else was in the room. The other is focused on sexual arousal happening outside the relationship and the fact that it was kept from them. When you’ve never talked about what porn means in your relationship, that silence can create a gap between what each of you thought you had agreed to. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I break down three common myths about porn in relationships, including whether it counts as cheating, whether it harms relationships, and whether regular use means addiction. I also explain what the research actually tells us about when porn creates problems and how to have the conversation that may have needed to happen much earlier. 3:19 - Myth #1: watching porn is either always cheating or never cheating 4:33 - The unspoken assumption almost every couple carries about porn 5:26 - Myth #2: watching porn is bad for relationships across the board 6:40 - The pattern that predicts whether porn will harm your relationship 7:26 - Myth #3: watching porn means you have or are developing an addiction 8:55 - The biggest predictor of whether someone believes they're "addicted" to porn 10:23 - Three things that tie all these myths together (and actually do the relationship damage that porn gets blamed for) 11:54 - Four tips on how you can have a real conversation about porn in your relationship with your partner Mentioned In Is Watching Porn Cheating in a Relationship? | |||
| Sex vs. Communication: What If You Have Different Goals for Couples Therapy? | 22 Sep 2026 | 00:19:26 | |
You want to work on your sex life. Your partner wants to work on communication. When you are coming into couples therapy focused on different problems, it can be hard to know where you are supposed to begin. And if each of you already feels like your concern has been overlooked, even deciding what therapy should focus on can turn into another argument. Different goals for couples therapy do not necessarily mean you want different things from the relationship. You may both want to feel closer, but have very different ideas about what needs to change first. When each person starts trying to prove that their concern matters more, choosing a goal for therapy can become another version of the conflict you are already having. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how to tell whether you and your partner actually want different outcomes or simply disagree about where to begin. I also look at how communication, conflict, affection, and sexual intimacy can become part of the same cycle, and how to choose a shared starting point without treating one partner’s concern as more legitimate than the other. 2:19 - Why wanting better communication and wanting more sex may be more connected than they seem 5:16 - What “I want more sex” or “I want better communication” may actually mean to each partner 7:30 - How to tell if you want different things from the relationship or simply disagree about where to begin 9:50 - The relationship cycle that can make both communication and physical intimacy harder 11:59 - How to make room for one partner’s sexual boundaries and the other partner’s feelings of loss or rejection 13:10 - What disagreeing about therapy goals can reveal about the patterns already happening in your relationship 15:14 - When different therapy goals are actually a bigger disagreement about the future of the relationship 16:33 - Four questions to ask when different goals have kept you from starting couples therapy
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| Why Couples Start Feeling More Like Roommates Than Partners | 15 Sep 2026 | 00:19:37 | |
You can still love your partner, function well together, and somehow end up feeling more like roommates than romantic partners. Maybe you do everything together and have trouble functioning as two separate people. Or maybe you’ve become so independent that you divide the responsibilities, stay out of each other’s way, and rarely talk about what’s actually happening beneath the surface. These relationships can look completely different from the outside, but both can lose the balance between closeness and individuality. One can become so focused on togetherness that the people inside the relationship start losing touch with themselves. The other can become so emotionally separate that both partners know each other’s schedules, but not necessarily each other’s inner worlds. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how differentiation can help us understand why couples start feeling more like roommates than partners. I walk through fusion and emotional cutoff, the signs these patterns may be showing up in your relationship, and how maintaining both individuality and emotional connection can create more room for curiosity, vulnerability, and intimacy. 2:37 - How differentiation helps explain why some couples start feeling more like roommates than partners 4:56 - What fusion looks like when keeping the peace starts costing you a clear sense of self 6:29 - How losing individuality can drain energy, curiosity, and passion from a relationship 8:06 - What emotional cutoff looks like when independence becomes distance 10:45 - Five signs that differentiation may be part of your roommate dynamic 12:52 - Why simply spending more time together or more time apart may not solve the problem 13:19 - How to express your own preferences without creating more disconnection 13:56 - What to do when your partner’s emotions start taking over your own experience 14:54 - Rebuilding individuality without using independence as an escape from the relationship 15:26 - How to let your partner know you again and create more shared growth 16:33 - Why long-term partners need to keep discovering who each other is becoming 17:23 - What balance between closeness and individuality can make possible for intimacy
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| When Past Relationship Trauma Shows Up With a New Partner | 08 Sep 2026 | 00:23:15 | |
Past relationship trauma can quietly shape the relationship you're in now, even when your current partner has done nothing to cause it. Your ex cheated on you, so you check your partner's phone. Or a former partner emotionally disappeared when things got serious, so now you find yourself bracing for the same thing to happen again. This is one way betrayal trauma can follow you into a new relationship. Your brain may understand that your current partner is different, while your nervous system is still reacting to patterns it learned in the past. That can leave you questioning whether what you're feeling is a warning about this relationship or a response to something that already happened. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how past relationship trauma can show up through hypervigilance, comparison, testing, avoidance, and reactions around touch and sex. I also share how to separate old pattern matching from what is actually happening now, build new evidence of safety, and decide when and how to talk to a new partner about your past. 2:13 – The difference between an ordinary heartbreak and betrayal trauma 5:13 – Why betrayal trauma responses happen in the first place 6:24 – Four ways betrayal trauma can show up in your current relationship, even when your partner hasn't done anything wrong 10:38 – An example of trauma I often see as a sex therapist, and how a small change helped one client rebuild trust in their partner 14:33 – How to tell whether or not you’re truly dealing with a trauma response 15:17 – How I help current couples work through reactions to past relationship trauma 18:22 – When and how to tell a new partner about a past traumatic relationship
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| The Difference Between Boundaries and Ultimatums in Relationships | 01 Sep 2026 | 00:14:27 | |
You’re trying to be clear about what you need in your relationship, so you draw a line and tell yourself you’re setting a boundary. But when your partner responds with defensiveness instead of change, it may be worth asking whether what you communicated was actually a boundary or an ultimatum. A boundary stays focused on your own limits and what you’re willing to do. An ultimatum shifts the focus toward controlling your partner’s behavior or forcing a specific outcome. The concern underneath both can be completely reasonable, but the way you communicate it can determine whether the conversation opens up or shuts down. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I break down the difference between a request, a boundary, and an ultimatum and show you how the same need can be communicated in very different ways. I also explain how anxious attachment and protest behaviors can push us toward ultimatums, share six questions to help you check yourself before a hard conversation, and talk about when a firm, non-negotiable boundary is actually appropriate. 1:56 – What separates a genuine ask, a healthy boundary, and a full-blown ultimatum 3:31 – An example of a boundary vs. an ultimatum around a partner's work stress 4:39 – How anxious attachment and protest behaviors escalate into ultimatums 5:33 – Six questions that reveal whether you're setting a boundary or issuing an ultimatum 8:46 – Situations where holding a non-negotiable boundary is completely appropriate 11:25 – What to do if you catch yourself about to issue an unnecessary ultimatum 12:14 – What to say if you're the one on the receiving end of an ultimatum
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| How Anxious Attachment Shows Up in Your Sex Life | 25 Aug 2026 | 00:12:48 | |
If you’re checking how long it's been since you last had sex or bringing up an ex just to see how your partner reacts, you've probably told yourself it's harmless. But what if the behaviors you’re using to feel safer in your relationship are actually creating more distance between you and your partner? Anxious attachment doesn’t always look like obvious clinginess or pursuit. Sometimes it shows up through testing, monitoring, or keeping score, especially when your nervous system is looking for proof that you’re still wanted and the relationship is okay. These protest behaviors are attempts to restore closeness, but over time they can start eroding the connection you’re trying to protect. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain why these protest behaviors develop, what they can look like in your sex life, and why they so often create more distance instead of reassurance. I also share three ways to start changing these patterns, so you can ask more directly for what you need instead of waiting to see if your partner passes the test. 1:49 – Why protest behaviors show up, the forms they take, and the neurological paradox they create 4:10 – Tip #1: Notice what’s happening in your body moments before the protest behavior takes over 6:05 – Tip #2: Ask directly for what you want instead of putting your partner through a test to find out 7:27 – Tip #3: Get curious about the real question your jealousy is hiding behind 10:10 – How to respond if you’re on the receiving end of a partner's protest patterns
Why Unmet Attachment Needs Sabotage Your Sex Life | |||
| Sex Therapy and Couples Therapy Shouldn’t Be Separate | 18 Aug 2026 | 00:11:01 | |
Couples can spend months or even years working on communication, conflict, and trust without ever talking about what is happening in their sex life. Once sexual concerns come up, their couples therapist may refer them to a sex therapist, almost as if sex is a separate problem that needs to be handed off to someone else. Part of the reason is that many couples therapists were never formally trained to talk about sex. That can leave couples doing important work on their emotional connection while their physical connection remains completely outside the conversation, even though the two are often affecting each other. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain why sex therapy and couples therapy are often treated as two separate specialties and why I do not think that reflects how relationships actually work. I also clear up some common myths about what each type of therapy looks like in a session and why couples should not have to choose between addressing their emotional connection and their sex life. 1:59 – How traditional couples therapy differs from sex therapy 3:07 – The training gap most couples therapists face, and the road to sex therapy qualification that I had to travel 4:54 – Why these therapies shouldn’t be considered completely separate from each other 7:42 – Debunking four common myths about sex therapy and couples therapy 9:14 – The one thing you should take away from this episode Mentioned In Sex Therapy and Couples Therapy Shouldn’t Be Separate | |||
| How Trauma Affects Your Romantic Relationships | 11 Aug 2026 | 00:18:29 | |
A calm, steady relationship can start to feel like something is missing, even when nothing seems wrong. If you have a trauma history, quiet may be harder to trust than chaos ever was. What feels like boredom or incompatibility may be your nervous system mistaking calm for the absence of love or desire. Trauma can also show up when you pull away as soon as a relationship starts to feel good, use sex or being desired as proof of your worth, or feel drawn to dynamics that do not always make sense to you. These patterns can feel isolating or shameful, especially when you do not understand why they are happening. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I walk through four specific ways trauma can affect your romantic relationships. I explain what may be happening underneath each pattern and share what can help you begin changing it without treating it like a lifelong sentence. 2:24 – A calm, safe relationship can feel boring after trauma 5:05 – Three ways to stop chasing intensity outside a healthy relationship 7:09 – Core beliefs, self-sabotage, and how trauma affects your romantic relationships 9:44 – When sex or being desired becomes proof of your worth 12:38 – The difference between consensual kink and a trauma response that needs attention 15:42 – Four signs an empowering sexual pattern may have become compulsive
How PTSD Affects Romantic Relationships and What Actually Helps Why People Pleasers Lose Desire and How to Reclaim It | |||
| When Scheduling Sex Helps and When It Makes Things Worse | 04 Aug 2026 | 00:13:36 | |
Scheduling sex can sound like a practical solution when life is full and intimacy keeps getting pushed aside. It can also leave you feeling like sex has become another obligation on the calendar, especially when the pressure starts building long before the scheduled time arrives. The difference often comes down to what that time is expected to guarantee. When scheduling protects space for connection and leaves room for desire to develop, it can take pressure off. When it starts to feel like a commitment to arousal, intercourse, or orgasm, your nervous system may experience the schedule as a demand instead of an invitation. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain when scheduling sex can help and why it sometimes makes things worse. I also share how to create intentional time for connection without making a specific sexual outcome the requirement. 2:12 – Why the idea that desire must be spontaneous might be quietly setting your relationship up to fail 4:37 – Responsive desire and the real goal of scheduling sex 5:47 – The impact of scheduling sex on highly anxious or neurodivergent people 6:34 – What most sex-positive content leaves out of the discussion 7:26 – The hidden buildup that can start days before the encounter and ruin the moment 9:24 – How a trauma history changes the feel of a scheduled block, and the reframe that makes it safer 10:54 – A four-part framework for trying scheduled intimacy without turning it into a test or obligation
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. Why Great Long-Term Relationships Still Struggle With Sex How to Stop the Pursue Withdraw Cycle Without Blame | |||
| How to Ask Your Partner to Go to Couples Therapy | 28 Jul 2026 | 00:13:54 | |
Couples wait an average of six years after problems start before ever getting help. If you’ve been sitting on the question, “Will you go to couples therapy with me?” you probably understand how that happens. You know something needs to shift, but you’re worried your partner will hear the request as, “Our relationship is failing,” or “You’re the problem.” Even if you never say those words, that energy can show up in your tone and body language. Research on conflict conversations has found that the first three minutes predict, with striking accuracy, how the whole conversation will go. So the words you choose, along with your tone and timing, can make the difference between an invitation your partner is open to and a conversation that turns defensive before it even starts. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I give you the exact language to use when asking your partner to go to couples therapy. I explain how to use a podcast episode as a lower-pressure starting point, respond to the fear underneath their objections, and pause the conversation if it starts going sideways. I also share why asking your partner to try one session can feel much easier than asking them to commit to therapy without knowing what that commitment will look like. 1:37 – Why the first three minutes of this conversation matter more than almost anything you say after 2:45 – How to choose your approach based on the pattern in your relationship 5:01 – How to broach the subject with your partner in a gentle, non-accusatory way 6:49 – Why your partner might push back, and what to do if the conversation starts moving towards conflict 8:32 – How to introduce couples therapy like an addition to the relationship instead of a verdict on it 10:27 – Why your relationship isn’t doomed if your partner still says no 11:34 – Bringing everything together so you can start applying it today Mentioned In How to Ask Your Partner to Go to Couples Therapy Sexless Relationships Get Worse the Longer You Wait Resentment Is the Silent Killer of Sexual Desire How to Stop the Pursue Withdraw Cycle Without Blame | |||
| How to Know If Mismatched Sex Drives Are a Real Problem | 21 Jul 2026 | 00:19:02 | |
Your desire for sex doesn’t match your partner’s, and now you’re wondering what that difference says about your relationship. Is this a normal part of being together long term, or a sign that something has started to go wrong? Mismatched sex drives are incredibly common, but that doesn’t mean every desire gap should be ignored. Sometimes the difference comes down to spontaneous and responsive desire. Other times, resentment, pressure, and emotional disconnection have started changing the relationship far beyond what happens in the bedroom. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how to tell when mismatched sex drives are a normal part of a long-term relationship and when the gap has started causing real damage. I also share the signs that tell me a couple may need support and what we actually work on in sex therapy. 2:13 – Why mismatched sex drives do not mean you’re incompatible 3:09 – How spontaneous and responsive desire create a cycle of rejection and pressure 6:14 – Five signs mismatched sex drives may need outside support 10:40 – Why initiating sex more often can make the problem worse 11:19 – Two responses to sexual rejection that damage the relationship 12:25 – What couples work on first in sex therapy 15:34 – What a fulfilling sex life can look like after sex therapy 17:08 – How to tell if mismatched sex drives are normal or a real problem
Why People Pleasers Lose Desire and How to Reclaim It | |||
| Is a Woman’s Orgasm Worth the Effort? | 14 Jul 2026 | 00:21:58 | |
A viral podcast clip recently claimed that pleasuring a woman during sex has “not much ROI” and that using a vibrator would make him feel “cucked.” Reducing a woman’s orgasm to a business calculation may sound extreme, but the belief underneath it is far more common. Female pleasure is treated as extra, optional, or only worth pursuing when it happens easily. Sex education often skips the clitoris, pornography turns performance into instruction, and penetration is still treated as the main event. That means most of us were never taught how female pleasure actually works. When that becomes the script, a woman’s pleasure is easier to ignore, and the orgasm gap becomes far less surprising. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I break down the anatomy behind female pleasure and what the research says about how women reach orgasm during partnered sex. I explain what the orgasm gap reveals, why women’s pleasure can disappear from the sexual equation, and how that pattern affects desire, trust, and connection over time. I also share what helps couples create a sex life where both partners feel seen, informed, and genuinely invested in each other’s experience. 0:53 – What one viral podcast remark about "ROI" reveals about a much bigger cultural blind spot around female pleasure 6:08 – Why incuriosity is the real issue for some men here, not simply being unaware of where the clitoris is or how to stimulate a female partner 14:09 – The three-part process used in couples therapy to help a woman reconnect to her own pleasure and openly communicate it to her partner 15:07 – What separates the men who make real progress in this work from the ones who stay stuck 17:53 – Why this matters beyond a single podcast clip 18:47 – What happens when both partners commit to closing the orgasm gap
“How long does it take for a woman to reach orgasm?” | International Society for Sexual Medicine Why You Can Orgasm Alone But Not With Your Partner Why Women Struggle With Desire and Knowing What They Want | |||
| When One Partner Wants Sex and the Other Pulls Away | 07 Jul 2026 | 00:24:15 | |
When one partner wants sex and the other pulls away, it can start to feel like every attempt at closeness comes with a risk. If you’re the one initiating, you may feel rejected, unwanted, or unsure whether your partner desires you anymore. So eventually, you stop trying altogether, not because the desire is gone, but because the rejection has become too painful to keep risking. Underneath that pattern, both partners are usually trying to protect themselves. One person reaches for sex because it helps them feel connected and reassured, while the other starts experiencing that same initiation as pressure, expectation, or the possibility of disappointing their partner again. The more loaded sex becomes, the harder it is for either of you to feel safe enough to reach for each other in a way that actually lands. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain the dynamics behind the sexual pursue-withdraw cycle and how it impacts both partners’ nervous systems. I talk about why the same couple can be each other’s pursuer and withdrawer, why this pattern often outlasts the arguments it creates, and how the way you say no can be the difference between disappointment and rejection. I also share four strategies you can practice together to interrupt the cycle, rebuild safety around physical intimacy, and start feeling connected again. 2:32 – A brief disclaimer for the partner who withdraws from sex 22:05 – What actually creates the sexual pursuit-withdrawal cycle in relationships Mentioned In When One Partner Wants Sex and the Other Pulls Away How to Stop the Pursue-Withdraw Cycle Without Blame Why You Can Orgasm Alone But Not With Your Partner Fixing a Sexless Relationship Starts With Emotional Regulation | |||
| Why Women Struggle With Desire and Knowing What They Want | 30 Jun 2026 | 00:26:07 | |
You love your partner and want sex to feel close, connected, and mutual, yet desire can still feel harder to access than you think it should. When they ask what you like, what turns you on, or what would help you feel more present in your body, you may not have a clear answer. That confusion can be painful for both of you, especially when your partner experiences your uncertainty as distance, disconnection, or rejection. Those moments make more sense when you look at how early the messages start. Long before you were in an adult relationship, you may have learned that your body was something to monitor, your desire was something to hide, and your sexuality belonged to someone else before it ever belonged to you. Those messages do not disappear just because you are with someone safe. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain why women’s desire can feel so hard to access and why knowing what you want sexually is not as simple as “just tell me what you like.” I trace how shame, fear, safety messaging, and social conditioning shape the way women relate to their bodies and desire. I also share what male partners need to understand, and where women can begin when they’re ready to start reclaiming their sexual desire. 3:37 – How school dress codes teach girls that their bodies are something to monitor, manage, and cover up Mentioned In Why Women Struggle With Desire and Knowing What They Want Why You Can Orgasm Alone But Not With Your Partner RISE to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult | |||
| How to Resolve Conflict With Your Partner Without Resentment | 23 Jun 2026 | 00:24:09 | |
Ever tried to resolve conflict with your partner, only for the argument to end because one of you finally gave in? It might look like the conflict is resolved, maybe even like someone won, but the person who backed down is usually still hurting underneath it all. They’re tired of explaining themselves, tired of having the same fight on repeat, and tired of feeling like the only way to move forward is to check out. That kind of “resolution” doesn’t create real repair. It creates self-abandonment, and over time, that is exactly how resentment starts building in a relationship. Real conflict resolution has to make room for both people to feel heard, respected, and steady enough to reconnect, even when the issue itself does not have a clean solution. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I’m concluding this communication series by sharing how to resolve conflict with your partner without leaving one person feeling like they lost another fight. I walk through the difference between solvable problems and perpetual problems, how to work with each one, and why reconnection after hard conversations matters just as much as the resolution itself. 2:54 – Why not all conflicts in relationships can be resolved 4:09 – How to figure out whether you’re dealing with a solvable or unsolvable conflict 5:37 – Five steps to resolve solvable conflicts between you and your partner 11:09 – An example of how Dr. John and Julie Gottman learn to live with one perpetual difference between them 13:23 – How to move from gridlock to dialogue with your partner about the unresolvable issues 18:00 – One final step to tackle after you’ve reached a solution or a compromise 20:41 – Quick review of the communication framework covered in this series
How to Validate Your Partner Without Losing Your Own Perspective How to Pause During Conflict Before It Causes Damage Relationship Reset Couples Program Relationship Readiness Intensive | |||
| How to Pause During Conflict Before It Causes Damage | 16 Jun 2026 | 00:24:04 | |
You’re in the middle of a heated argument with your partner, and suddenly you can’t think clearly. Maybe you go quiet and wait for it to be over. Maybe you say something you already know you’ll regret. When this happens, learning how to pause during conflict can be the difference between a hard conversation that gets repaired and a fight that keeps causing damage. When your nervous system becomes flooded, your body moves into fight or flight. Your capacity to listen, feel empathy, think clearly, and problem-solve drops, which means trying to push through the conversation usually makes things worse. The goal is not to avoid the conflict, but to step away with enough structure that both of you can come back when your bodies are actually capable of connection. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I walk you through the Pause Protocol, a structured process I use with my clients when conflict becomes too overwhelming to continue. I explain what physiological flooding is, why productive communication becomes impossible in that state, and how to pause, regulate, reconnect, and return to the conversation before more damage is done. 2:21 – What’s happening in your body when a conversation between you and your partner goes sideways 5:16 – Why pausing in the middle of the argument isn’t the counterproductive move it seems like on the surface 7:22 – What the pause protocol is and how to use it effectively (so things don’t get worse) 10:18 – Where most people go wrong with the protocol, and how long the pause should last 12:43 – How to check back in with each other once the pause period ends 15:01 – Why walking away doesn’t have to mean you’re leaving the issue unresolved, and a pattern worth paying attention to if it develops 17:33 – Three things that happen when you don’t take a time out during an argument with your partner 20:05 – A review of what you need to agree on as a couple before you need the pause protocol Mentioned In How to Pause During Conflict Before It Causes Damage How to Validate Your Partner Without Losing Your Own Perspective Relationship Reset Couples Program Relationship Readiness Intensive | |||
| How to Validate Your Partner Without Losing Your Own Perspective | 09 Jun 2026 | 00:23:45 | |
Your partner may have told you they don't feel heard, even though you were right there listening to every word and even responding. Hearing someone and making them feel heard are two different things, and most of us were never taught how to validate our partner in a way that actually lands. When that gap becomes a pattern, the same fight keeps happening, just with different words. When resentment starts building, most couples rush to explain themselves or fix the problem, skipping two steps that have to come first, acknowledgment and validation. The reason both feel so hard comes down to what's happening in your brain, because the moment your partner shares how they feel, your brain interprets it as an attack and shuts down the exact skills you need to respond well. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I'm starting a new series on communication with these two foundational steps. I explain why your brain interprets your partner's feelings as a personal attack, what acknowledgment and validation actually look like in practice, and how to use them even when you think your partner is completely wrong, including where they have limits and what to do when emotions get too high to keep talking. 4:33 – How the cycle of repetitive arguments usually begins 5:57 – Why jumping straight to defensiveness or problem-solving ends up backfiring 8:57 – Four common beliefs that keep couples from acknowledging or validating each other 13:55 – The difference between acknowledgment and validation, and why couples can often struggle with one and not the other 17:00 – What to do when you disagree with everything your partner says 19:05 – The difference between validation and invalidation (and a commonly used phrase that seems validating, but isn’t) 21:36 – What validation does NOT require you to do, and how to set a boundary while still validating your partner’s feelings
Relationship Reset Couples Program Relationship Readiness Intensive | |||
| Why TikTok Therapy Advice Is Hurting Your Relationship | 02 Jun 2026 | 00:22:30 | |
You're in the middle of a conflict with your partner, but instead of turning toward them, you turn toward your phone. Within minutes, you've watched three videos, found a comment section that agrees with everything you're feeling, and now you have a word for what your partner is doing to you…or do you? The flood of mental health content on platforms like TikTok feels like progress on the surface, but it's doing real damage underneath. Clinical language gets stripped of its context, handed to an algorithm, and packaged as a 60-second verdict on your relationship. And a lot of what's being passed around as insight is actually accelerating conflict, pathologizing normal disagreements, and teaching people to replace conversation with consumption. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I reveal the four biggest ways I see TikTok therapy content damaging real couples. I also share five concrete things you can start doing to change how you use it (without needing to delete it). 2:10 – Why the most viral mental health content is rarely the most accurate 5:23 – How therapy language gets weaponized in relationships 9:04 – How TikTok's algorithm feeds your worst relationship fears 10:51 – Why one-size-fits-all advice fails infinitely complex relationships 12:46 – What happens when consuming content about your relationship replaces being in it 14:04 – Five things you can do to change how you engage with relationship content online
Esther Perel | Books | Where Should We Begin? | |||
| The Fawn Response and Why Being "Easy" in Relationships Costs You Intimacy | 26 May 2026 | 00:14:38 | |
You’re the easygoing, low-maintenance one who keeps the peace. You’ve probably spent years being this way, but what if it’s costing you the connection you crave in your relationship? Most people know about fight, flight, and freeze. But the fawn response is the one that flies under the radar, because it doesn't look like a problem. It looks like being a good partner. You say yes when you mean no, you minimize your feelings before they even leave your mouth, and you prioritize your partner's comfort over your own needs. But fawning isn't your personality. It's a survival strategy your nervous system learned, and over time it quietly erodes the intimacy you're working so hard to protect. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I break down what fawning actually is, how it connects to self-silencing and attachment patterns, and why the fawn response shows up in your sex life in ways you might not expect. I also share practical ways to start shifting this pattern without overwhelming your nervous system. 1:07 – What the fawn response is and how it connects to self-silencing 3:50 – How fawning overlaps with anxious attachment and emotional suppression 6:01 – What sexual fawning looks like and why it leads to low desire and avoidance 6:59 – The relational dynamic fawning creates and why your partner may not see it 9:11 – Why you can't force yourself out of fawning and what to do instead 10:54 – Tracking emotions in your body and redefining what safety means in relationships Mentioned In The Fawn Response and Why Being "Easy" in Relationships Costs You Intimacy | |||
| Resentment Is the Silent Killer of Sexual Desire | 19 May 2026 | 00:17:32 | |
You've told your partner what you need. Maybe you've told them a hundred times, and nothing changes. So at some point, you stopped asking. You stopped being vulnerable. You stopped fighting for it. And somewhere in that silence, a story started forming that says, “They don't care. They never will, and maybe this relationship is too far gone to fix.” That resentment doesn't announce itself. It builds slowly through dismissed comments, unresolved arguments, and years of swallowing your needs until you forget why you even had them. It quietly rewires how you see your partner, until you're no longer responding to the person in front of you but to the story you've built about them. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I break down why resentment is the most underestimated threat to long-term relationships and sexual desire. I share how it fundamentally changes the way you interpret your partner’s actions, what it's actually trying to tell you, and what it takes for both partners to move through it before emotional distance becomes the new normal. 2:15 – How resentment stops being about a situation gone wrong and becomes a hardened story about your partner 3:57 – One of the most frustrating ways resentment shows up 4:46 – Example of how unprocessed hurt can move partners into avoidance, retaliation, and conflict 8:13 – How one painful moment can quietly expand into a verdict about your entire relationship 9:52 – What to do (and what not to do) when resentment starts building up 11:02 – What it looks and sounds like when both partners engage in repairing conflict and misunderstandings 15:47 – What your resentment toward your partner is trying to tell you
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| Why You Can Orgasm Alone But Not With Your Partner | 12 May 2026 | 00:24:32 | |
You can orgasm just fine on your own. So why does it feel almost impossible with a partner in the room? If this is something you've quietly wrestled with, you're not the only one. Research shows about 58% of women find orgasm easier through masturbation than partnered sex, and the same pattern shows up for men. This has very little to do with your body's capability and almost everything to do with what's happening in your mind and your nervous system when someone else is in the sexual space with you. The moment another person enters the equation, your brain shifts gears. You go from being in your body to being in your head. You start monitoring, analyzing, bracing for the thing you're afraid of, and that internal noise drowns out the very signals your body needs to build arousal and reach orgasm. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain why your body can orgasm on its own but shut down the moment a partner enters the picture. I walk through the most common barriers I see in my practice, including performance pressure, body image, shame, and trauma, and share five research-backed strategies you can start using today. You'll learn what your body is asking for when orgasm feels out of reach, and what it actually needs to feel safe enough to let go.2:22 – The well-researched phenomenon that’s silently hijacking your arousal during sex with a partner 5:26 – The cycle that starts with one bad experience and can quietly reshape how you approach every sexual encounter that comes after it 8:39 – The most common barriers that prevent people from reaching orgasm with a partner 13:09 – Cycle-breaking strategy #1: Directed masturbation and how to translate those cues to your lover 15:22 – Strategy #2: Mindfulness intervention and what it actually looks like during sex 17:03 – Strategy #3: How to regulate your nervous system before and during sex so your body can prioritize pleasure, not survival 18:48 – Strategy #4: The Sensate Focus process that takes the "target" of orgasm off the table and treats a wide range of sexual difficulties 20:49 – Strategy #5: How to lean into your desire, attraction, and connection to your partner
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| Sexless Relationships Get Worse the Longer You Wait | 05 May 2026 | 00:20:01 | |
You've been in a sexless relationship for months, maybe years, and you have no idea where to begin to find your way back. You've read the books. You know what you're supposed to do differently. But nothing changes, and you can't help how you feel. What you're up against isn't a communication problem. It's a pattern that started in your mind long before it showed up in the bedroom, and it's now running on autopilot. The thoughts you have about your partner create chemical reactions in your body, those reactions become emotions, and those emotions drive the behaviors that keep the cycle going. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I walk through the neuroscience of why these patterns become so automatic in a sexless relationship and why waiting to address them makes them harder to change. I explain how cognitive behavioral therapy, neuroplasticity research, and the thinking-feeling loop all point to the same conclusion about how relational patterns get built and broken. You'll learn what's happening in your nervous system when you and your partner repeat the same fight, and three things you can start practicing today to begin interrupting the cycle. 2:59 – The specific cognitive pattern that does more damage to relationship satisfaction than the conflict itself 5:52 – The biochemical loop that makes rejection feel like your baseline reality 8:29 – How mindfulness practices help you shift your internal state before engaging with an angry partner 11:22 – Why will alone isn't enough to break the cycle and how just 30 seconds can physically alter your brain 13:28 – What the data shows about waiting years to address the constantly repeating patterns that’ve led to your sexless relationship 16:00 – Three practical steps you can start today to interrupt the cycle from the inside out
Fixing a Sexless Relationship Starts with Emotional Regulation How to Stop the Pursue Withdraw Cycle Without Blame What Actually Happens in Sex Therapy? The Neuroscience of Goals and Behavior Change | |||
| Why Your Partner Triggers You More Than Anyone Else | 28 Apr 2026 | 00:17:09 | |
You're talking to your partner, and they glance at their phone or sigh at the wrong moment, and suddenly your whole body tenses up. Maybe you start yelling, or you shut down and want to get out of the room. Later, you're lying in bed replaying it, wondering why your partner triggers you so easily, or worse, whether you're the problem for reacting the way you did. You're not the problem, and this isn't about the sigh. When your partner triggers you, your nervous system is responding to something much older than the moment in front of you. Romantic relationships activate your attachment system more than any other relationship in your life, which is why the person you love the most often has a direct line to your oldest wounds. The closer you get to someone, the more those old patterns come to the surface. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I talk about why your partner seems to trigger you more than anyone else in your life and what you can actually do about it. I share real examples from my practice, the science of why old wounds resurface in close relationships, and five steps you can start practicing when you feel yourself getting pulled into the cycle. Getting triggered in your relationship isn't a sign that something's wrong with you or with your partner. It's a sign that something inside you is ready to heal. 00:52 – Why a small moment can create a reaction that feels much bigger than the situation itself 2:20 – How childhood experiences quietly shape your expectations for relationships in adulthood 4:27 – The psychological phenomenon that draws you toward partners who mirror your early caregivers 5:25 – How couples can get locked into repeating cycles without realizing they are responding to old patterns 9:40 – Five steps to break the cycle of reacting to old wounds when trying to connect with your partner 14:25 – What being triggered by the person you love most means about you and your relationship
The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk An Introduction to Interpersonal Neurobiology | Dr. Dan Siegel The Neurosequential Network | Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D. | |||
| What Jealousy in Polyamory Is Actually Trying to Tell You | 21 Apr 2026 | 00:24:39 | |
Polyamory often gets framed as a mindset shift, a philosophical reimagining of love, freedom, and connection. But your nervous system doesn't care about your philosophy. It just knows your partner is with someone else, and your chest is tight, and your stomach is turning. Jealousy in polyamory doesn't mean you chose the wrong structure or the wrong partner. It means you're human. The question isn't whether jealousy shows up — it will — but whether you have the skills to work with it instead of react from it. Because without those skills, even the most thoughtful relationship agreements start to crack. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I walk through what the research actually says about jealousy in polyamorous relationships, why emotional regulation is the skill that determines whether non-monogamy works for you, and how compersion develops, not as a personality trait, but as something that grows when the relational environment is safe. I also share real examples from my practice and practical tools you can use, including for the moments when your partner isn't available to co-regulate with you. 1:53 – What emotional regulation is, and what research says about it and polyamory 4:33 – Comparison to emotional regulation in monogamous relationships 5:59 – Why emotional regulation is a relational skill, not just an individual one 7:59 – How jealousy can become useful information that leads to a deeper understanding between partners 11:49 – Other benefits of practicing nervous system regulation in polyamorous relationships 14:53 – Four consequences of not building and cultivating emotional regulation within this relationship structure 19:27 – Five practical tips for building your nervous system regulation skills Mentioned In What Jealousy in Polyamory Is Actually Trying to Tell You Polyamory and Non-Monogamy: What a Sex Therapist Wants You to Know Communication in Polyamorous Relationships Is Never a One-Time Event | |||
| Communication in Polyamorous Relationships Is Never a One-Time Event | 14 Apr 2026 | 00:18:48 | |
You may have had one big conversation about opening your relationship and assumed that was enough. Or you haven't been able to have the first one yet because you don't know how to start without derailing it before it goes anywhere. Either way, communication in polyamorous relationships is where things most often break down, and it's rarely because people aren't willing to talk. What feels okay to agree to in theory doesn't always hold once you're living it. Agreements that made sense six months ago stop fitting, and jealousy, when it shows up, needs its own conversation rather than being pushed through or explained away. If you're not in the habit of returning to these conversations, resentment starts building in the gap between what you said you were okay with and what you're actually experiencing. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I walk through what communication in a polyamorous relationship actually has to look like. I cover the specific conversations about structure, expectations, and jealousy that need to happen more than once, the fear that stops people before they even begin, and what I've seen in my practice when these conversations happen well and when they don't. 0:55 – Why this episode applies to monogamous couples too 2:57 – What effective communication in a polyamorous relationship actually requires 4:08 – What happens when couples assume they're on the same page and stop checking in 4:58 – Jealousy, compersion, and what to do when your nervous system signals a threat 6:08 – The fear that stops people before the first conversation begins 8:20 – What to get clear on before you try to have the conversation 8:53 – Two clinical examples of what it costs when these conversations don't happen 11:04 – What Valerie learned from her own time practicing polyamory 12:29 – Questions to work through with your partner when considering polyamory 16:20 – Why emotional regulation is the prerequisite for every hard conversation
Polyamory and Non-Monogamy: What a Sex Therapist Wants You to Know | |||
| Polyamory and Non-Monogamy: What a Sex Therapist Wants You to Know | 07 Apr 2026 | 00:28:46 | |
Non-monogamy is no longer a fringe idea. It's showing up on dating apps, in therapy rooms, in late-night Google searches, and inside long-term relationships that look completely fine from the outside. But curiosity alone isn't enough to navigate it well. The choice to open a relationship matters far less than the skills you bring into it, and the quality of your conversations will shape everything that follows. If you or your partner have been thinking about this, or if the conversation has already started, this episode is not a pitch for or against any relationship structure. It's an honest look at what non-monogamous relationships actually require, and why opening a relationship that's already struggling almost never fixes it. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I walk through how polyamory, ethical non-monogamy, and open relationships actually function, what the latest research says about satisfaction and commitment, and the emotional labor these structures demand. I also share what I've seen in my practice when couples navigate this well and when it causes further damage, and I name the assumptions that most reliably lead to failure. 1:31 – The difference between polyamory and open relationships 5:16 – Two main polyamory structures and research-backed findings about non-monogamous relationships that might surprise you 9:52 – Examples of successful and non-successful polyamorous relationships I’ve seen in my practice 13:12 – Five core motivations behind why people genuinely pursue polyamory 16:30 – Four common myths that prevent people from choosing non‑monogamy or polyamory 21:48 – Four assumptions that often lead to failure for couples considering these types of relationships 25:00 – The conversation that matters more than the decision itself
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| How Healthy Couples Stay Connected While Others Drift | 31 Mar 2026 | 00:25:59 | |
The honeymoon phase is over, and real life has taken its place. When routines settle in, the stress piles up, and the spark no longer feels automatic, it’s common to wonder if something has gone wrong. But healthy relationships aren’t conflict-free, and healthy love isn’t accidental; it’s a practice. From validating your partner before you try to fix the problem to creating novelty on purpose, there is a roadmap for building a connection that is resilient rather than reactive. Whether you feel distant, stuck in recurring arguments, or simply want to protect the life you’ve built, you can learn to cultivate intimacy with intention. You don't have to settle for a "comfortable numbness" where your only time together is spent sitting in silence across from one another. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I break down the foundational elements that separate couples who drift apart from those who deepen their connection over time. I reveal how ingredients like emotional safety, friendship, conflict repair, and sexual well-being form the backbone of lasting intimacy. I also discuss how to apply the RISE model to look beneath the surface of your conflicts and rebuild real connection. 00:53 – Why conflict itself is not the red flag most couples think it is 2:35 – What emotionally safe couples do differently during hard conversations 4:25 – How validation can calm disconnection before solutions are even discussed 5:56 – One thing that most of us do when our partner upsets or triggers us 7:57 – The overlooked friendship factor that predicts long-term satisfaction 10:33 – Why most recurring fights are not actually about the topic on the surface 14:29 – The impact of working as a team when under stress, instead of each person dealing with it alone 15:42 – How novelty can reignite connection after the honeymoon phase in your relationship ends 17:20 – The difference between independence that strengthens a bond and control that weakens it 19:24 – Why sexual well-being reflects far more than frequency 20:18 – Who couples therapy is for and the model I developed and use to teach foundational relationship skills
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| Why Great Long-Term Relationships Still Struggle With Sex | 24 Mar 2026 | 00:27:05 | |
You’re still in love with your partner and committed to a fulfilling life together, yet something feels off. The chemistry that once felt effortless now feels unpredictable or absent. You care deeply for each other, but you are completely out of sync sexually. If you’ve ever wondered why sex feels so hard when the rest of the relationship is fine, it isn’t necessarily a sign that you’re failing. It’s more likely a sign that stress, emotional disconnection, or old conditioning are quietly shaping your desire. When this tension lingers, sex starts to feel loaded. You might find yourself making excuses, feeling pressured, or waiting to want sex the way you used to. Attraction becomes something you analyze instead of something you feel, and you may begin to interpret a lack of desire as a personal rejection. Meanwhile, routines take over, the same old scripts repeat, and the emotional safety you need to feel open begins to erode. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I reveal what is actually happening beneath the surface when desire becomes mismatched in long-term relationships. I explore how the mental load, trauma, and toxic cultural messaging impact your connection. You’ll learn the vital difference between spontaneous and responsive desire, why feeling "seen" is a prerequisite for arousal, and how you can begin rewriting your sexual script to find that spark again. 1:33 – Why fluctuating desire is often a signal for conversation rather than a sign of failure 4:27 – The hidden impact of stress, mental load, and survival mode on erotic energy 5:58 – The difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire, and why it matters 7:55 – Emotional connection as a prerequisite for physical intimacy for many partners 10:07 – Why asking “What does emotional connection mean to you?” changes everything 12:21 – The powerful role of social, cultural, and religious conditioning in shaping desire 15:42 – How shame around pleasure can quietly suppress sexual expression 18:21 – Trauma’s influence on agency, boundaries, and sexual safety 20:10 – Practical shifts that help couples reconnect without pressure or performance
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| How AI Is Quietly Rewiring the Modern Dating World | 17 Mar 2026 | 00:22:15 | |
You want real connection in a world that feels increasingly artificial, but the modern dating scene often leaves you feeling exhausted and quietly discouraged. You long for something organic and meaningful, yet you’re navigating systems that reward speed and constant availability over depth. If you feel like retreating from the apps and the emotional whiplash, it is a sign that your nervous system is trying to adapt to an environment that was never designed for your emotional safety. When you are caught in this tension, attraction starts to feel confusing. You might find your chemistry going flat or feel overstimulated by options while staying undernourished by connection. Intimacy can start to feel like something you measure rather than something you experience. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain why dating feels so different right now and how AI is quietly restructuring the way we experience attraction. I explore how these platforms are designed for engagement rather than bonding, and how a lack of relational education affects the way we approach each other. You can learn how to reclaim your agency, slow down, and build a foundation for dating that prioritizes authentic curiosity. 2:26 – How algorithms are narrowing attraction in ways most people never consciously notice 7:02 – How engagement metrics on dating apps are quietly training users 12:11 – How choice overload impacts satisfaction and why trust is now harder to build on the apps 13:38 – The pros and cons of AI companions and how they’re designed to mirror emotional validation 17:41 – What you can do as a single person in the AI-mediated space of online dating 18:42 – Why the real fracture in modern dating is educational, not ideological Mentioned In How AI Is Quietly Rewiring the Modern Dating World | |||
| How Erectile Dysfunction Is a Nervous System Response | 10 Mar 2026 | 00:23:49 | |
When my partner Dallas experienced erectile dysfunction in his mid-twenties, he felt broken. He believed something was fundamentally wrong with him, and struggling with anxiety and PTSD only added fuel to those feelings. Erectile dysfunction is often attributed to age, hormones, or attraction, but when it happens in your twenties, the confusion feels even sharper. The shame can spiral quickly when you love your partner but your body still goes into protection mode. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, Dallas joins me to talk about his journey. We discuss how silence and misunderstanding lead to conflict and why this is actually a nervous system response rather than a lack of attraction. We look at how performance pressure and hypervigilance keep the body stuck and why there is no "quick fix" for these complex patterns. Dallas shares how he used emotional regulation to stop being afraid and find his way back to pleasure. 00:52 – Common myths about erectile dysfunction and what you should do before you see a sex therapist 2:56 – What Dallas was thinking before sex even began and how one difficult experience can create an anxiety loop that feeds itself 5:59 – Statistics that prove how common erectile dysfunction really is 7:08 – The conflict that grew between Dallas and his ex-partner when he couldn’t talk about sex 8:12 – Why performance pressure blocks pleasure at the nervous system level and the role of hypervigilance, dissociation, and emotional withdrawal 10:36 – Why 12 weeks of therapy is rarely the full story and the importance of practicing regulation skills outside the therapy room 14:19 – How waiting too long to seek help can harden resentment and how long you should wait to re-engage in sex conversation after regulation 18:18 – What you can start doing if you’re experiencing erectile dysfunction 21:20 – Dallas’ final words of wisdom and how he feels now after therapy
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| Why Unmet Attachment Needs Sabotage Your Sex Life | 03 Mar 2026 | 00:16:08 | |
You love your partner, but you feel your body shut down the moment intimacy begins. Something inside you tightens even when you want to feel close. These moments don't mean you have a lack of love or desire. They are often signals from your attachment system. Your nervous system has built-in needs for safety, trust, and emotional closeness. When those needs aren't met, your brain can interpret your partner as a source of threat or pressure instead of a safe space. There is a learnable process for creating the emotional safety your nervous system needs to soften. You can understand why closeness feels risky and learn how to interrupt patterns before they spiral. Building responsiveness outside the bedroom creates the climate where sex becomes appealing again. It is about moving away from performance so intimacy can feel inviting instead of overwhelming. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I talk about four reasons why unmet attachment needs quietly sabotage your sex life. I explore what is happening beneath the surface when desire drops or the pressure to perform rises. I also break down exactly what to do using the tools of regulation, clarity, repair, and emotional safety. 2:19 – Why your nervous system can’t access arousal without safety and tips to get into a regulated space before initiating (or even talking about) sex 5:30 – Subtle ways emotional unavailability erodes sexual desire over time and a 5-minute daily ritual to rebuild emotional responsiveness 8:15 – How reassurance-seeking through sex can unintentionally create pressure and the reframing language that reveals the real need 12:02 – Why avoiding conversations about sex often leads to mechanical or resentful intimacy 13:27 – The link between early messaging about sex and avoidance as an adult and how to make space for honesty, clarity, and safer sexual exploration
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| How to Stop the Pursue Withdraw Cycle Without Blame | 24 Feb 2026 | 00:14:12 | |
One of you moves toward the relationship to close the gap. The other moves away to reduce overwhelm or conflict. This is the pursue-withdraw cycle, and it is one of the most common and painful patterns in any relationship. If you have ever felt like you are chasing connection while your partner shuts down, you are not alone. This cycle does not mean your relationship is broken. It means your nervous systems are trying to protect you in opposing ways. When you are stuck in this loop, intimacy starts to feel like a threat to your sense of self. The pursuer often wonders if they are too much or if they even matter. The person who withdraws often feels like they can never do anything right. To break this cycle, you have to look beneath the surface of the conflict and dive into the deeper, unspoken wounds. You have to learn how to regulate your body so you can move from being adversaries to being teammates. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I walk through why you fall into this dynamic and what is happening in your body when it triggers. I share four powerful, trauma-informed strategies to help you break the cycle for good. We talk about how to name the pattern out loud, how to speak from your fears instead of your defenses, and how to create repair rituals that stick. You can learn how to find your way back to each other without losing yourselves. 1:47 – How opposing protective strategies can create a loop that neither partner intends 3:49 – What makes high-functioning, high-achieving couples especially vulnerable to this cycle 4:52 – Ways to regulate before you withdraw from or pursue your partner 6:49 – How naming the pattern out loud causes the cycle to lose its power 7:47 – The subtle difference between fighting about logistics and revealing emotional truth 10:04 – Repair rituals you can create to reconnect after a cycle occurs
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| Why People Pleasers Lose Desire and How to Reclaim It | 17 Feb 2026 | 00:14:16 | |
If you have ever felt like sex is just another chore, you are not alone. Many people find themselves saying "yes" simply because saying "no" feels too hard. This isn't a character flaw. It is a survival strategy that usually begins in childhood. When you grow up learning that love is conditional, you become an expert at abandoning your own needs to take care of everyone else. By the time you reach adulthood, sex can easily become an obligation fueled by pressure. It stops being an expression of your own pleasure. Reclaiming your desire requires unlearning these old patterns. It is impossible for desire to thrive when you are stuck in a survival response like "fawn" or "freeze". The truth is that your desire may not actually be low. It is more likely that your permission to feel desire is low. Healing comes when you stop performing for others and start reconnecting with your own inner world. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I dive into the origin stories of people pleasing and how they quietly reshape your sexual energy. I walk through why pushing through sex to avoid conflict creates a cycle of withdrawal. I also share practical steps to help you notice your own internal cues. From challenging the guilt of setting boundaries to finding micro-moments of pleasure, we explore how to stop self-abandoning and start wanting again. 1:37 – How childhood survival strategies quietly shape adult desire and sexual patterns 3:30 – Why sex begins to feel like work when self-abandonment becomes a habit 5:21 – The neurological states that block arousal and create shutdown 6:22 – What the pursuer–withdrawer dynamic reveals about relational disconnection 7:15 – How I help clients when this dynamic shows up in therapy 10:22 – The most important thing for people pleasers to take away from this episode 11:10 – Practical steps you can take starting today to rebuild your capacity for sexual desire Mentioned In Why People Pleasers Lose Desire and How to Reclaim It | |||
| How the RISE Model Moves You from Roommates to Teammates | 10 Feb 2026 | 00:35:50 | |
Long-term couples rarely fall out of love overnight. Usually, they just fall into "logistics mode" where work, kids, and chores crowd out the space for connection. When life feels like an endless to-do list, intimacy starts to feel like just another chore. This shift into the "roommate phase" doesn't mean you are a failure. It is often a sign that your nervous system is overwhelmed and doesn't have the capacity for desire in this moment. I developed the RISE model based on a decade of experience as a therapist and my own journey of moving from performance pressure to true connection. By focusing on how we regulate, illuminate, strengthen, and empower, we can look beneath the surface of our patterns to restore safety and play. Rebuilding intimacy is not about perfect performance. It is about learning how to stay present in your body and choosing intentional connection one small habit at a time. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I walk through four of the most common questions I hear in therapy to show you how the RISE model works. We explore why you might still feel attracted to a partner you don’t want to sleep with, how to bring back passion when things feel routine, and how to stop being "ships passing in the night" so you can start feeling like teammates again. 1:57 – Why long-term couples feel like “roommates” and how to start reconnecting with your spouse 6:46 – The internal battle that can silently switch off desire (even when you’re still attracted to the other person) and why most people never recognize it 11:18 – An overlooked climate that is needed for desire to grow and shapes how the body responds to touch and closeness 15:21 – A counterintuitive truth about passion that challenges everything we’ve been taught about spontaneity 16:59 – Why you shouldn’t wait to go to couples therapy if you or your spouse has mentioned the idea of doing so 21:21 – How to bring back passion and sex when everything feels routine or awkward 30:17 – How to prevent drifting apart in a long-term relationship so you can continue growing together
Come As You Are and other books by Emily Nagoski | |||
| How PTSD Affects Romantic Relationships and What Actually Helps | 03 Feb 2026 | 00:19:13 | |
When difficult conversations with your partner feel overwhelming, when you need to resolve things right away or you need space to process, when a look or a tone shift sends your nervous system into overdrive, that's often PTSD showing up in your relationship. It doesn't mean you're broken or that you're the problem in the relationship. There's a learnable process for managing your symptoms so they don't manage you. You can find the moment between what triggers you and how you respond. You can stay connected to your partner even when your nervous system wants to fight, flee, or freeze. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy, I'm walking through what happens in your body when you're triggered, why PTSD impacts romantic relationships the way it does, and the specific steps that help you notice and name emotions before they take over. I'm also sharing how my partner and I have learned to navigate this together. This is about taking ownership of your healing and learning practical regulation skills that actually work. 1:45 – How my PTSD symptoms show up in the context of romantic relationships 4:16 – Why PTSD impacts romantic relationships (and a quick disclaimer before diving deeper) 5:46 – Common PTSD triggers that cause the nervous system to go into survival mode 7:40 – How learning to slow down internally can transform relationship conflict patterns 9:49 – The difference between character flaws and nervous system survival responses 13:09 – The moment between the stimulus and the response and how to find it 14:35 – What it really means to “feel your feelings” without being consumed by them
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| Fixing a Sexless Relationship Starts with Emotional Regulation | 27 Jan 2026 | 00:19:08 | |
When couples stop having sex, they usually assume it's about laziness, manipulation, or lack of attraction. But sexual disconnection is actually a signal that something deeper needs attention—usually safety, repair, and attunement. Your nervous system, emotional dysregulation, and unspoken resentment all play a part in creating sexless relationships. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy, I walk through the critical difference between consent and coercion, avoidance and control, protection and rejection. I explain how unresolved emotional dysregulation keeps couples stuck in cycles of shutdown and escalation, and why communication alone isn't enough without the ability to stay present in your body. 1:06 – Why sexless relationships are about more than frequency 3:43 – The subtle difference between withholding and self-protection 6:53 – How safety (not desire) often determines sexual availability 9:36 – The unseen role emotional dysregulation plays in disconnection 12:18 – What must be restored before intimacy can return
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| What Actually Happens in Sex Therapy? | 27 Jan 2026 | 00:09:59 | |
When most people hear "sex therapy," they assume it's about technique or performance. It's not. Sex therapy is about understanding how your nervous system, past experiences, and attachment patterns show up in intimacy. For years, I only associated sex with pressure and duty. I sabotaged a relationship I cared about because my body was screaming no, and I had no idea how to restore safety after my own trauma. That experience is why I do this work, and why I never separate trauma from sexual healing. In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy, I walk you through what actually happens in a sex therapy session, who it's for, and why so many people struggle to stay present during physical intimacy. If you've ever felt disconnected from your body during sex, this episode will show you why healing starts with safety, not performance. 1:26 – What sex therapy actually looks like behind closed doors 2:57 – Who sex therapy is for and the common issue of desire discrepancy 4:08 – How my childhood trauma led to a career as a sex therapist 5:22 – Why sex therapy and trauma therapy are connected 6:25 – Example of how trauma can quietly reshape desire, safety, and connection 7:41 – Reframe of sex as something that can heal, not harm
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| Why Sex Feels Like Pressure Instead of Pleasure | 21 Jan 2026 | 00:15:02 | |
Sex is everywhere. Yet meaningful conversations about intimacy are still wrapped in silence, shame, and confusion. Low desire, erectile struggles, or difficulty with orgasm get framed as personal failures when they should be framed as messages from the body shaped by culture, conditioning, anxiety, and emotional overwhelm. In this premiere episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I invite you to gain a deeper understanding of what actually gets in the way of desire. Drawing on my decade of experience as a sex and couples therapist, I unpack how social expectations quietly disconnect us from our bodies, how performance anxiety hijacks pleasure, and why emotional regulation and communication are the missing foundations for intimacy. 2:37 – A cultural myth that quietly shapes how desire shows up or shuts down in women 5:42 – An example of how men also face societal conditioning during their childhood 7:34 – The impact on romantic relationships between men and women as a result 8:33 – How performance anxiety can sneak into the bedroom 11:23 – How a lack of emotional regulation creates distance before sex even enters the picture 12:25 – What rebuilding desire actually requires
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