Explorez tous les épisodes du podcast The Relationship Maze
Plongez dans la liste complète des épisodes de The Relationship Maze. Chaque épisode est catalogué accompagné de descriptions détaillées, ce qui facilite la recherche et l'exploration de sujets spécifiques. Suivez tous les épisodes de votre podcast préféré et ne manquez aucun contenu pertinent.
Rows per page:
50
1–50 of 180
Titre
Date
Durée
The Love Conundrum: How to Know If It's Truly Love
Welcome to The Relationship Maze, the podcast dedicated to helping you navigate the complexities of love and relationships. Today we dive deep into the age-old question: Is it really love? In today's episode, we explore the distinctions between love, lust, and projection, examining how love evolves and matures over time. We discuss the importance of nurturing love as an active, ongoing process, challenging the Hollywood myth of effortless, always-intense romance. We'll share insights on how to recognize real love, the role of curiosity and commitment, and the necessity of embracing both joy and pain in a relationship. So if you're ready to deepen your understanding of love and build fulfilling connections, stay tuned for an engaging and enlightening conversation. Don't forget to visit our website, therelationshipmaze.com, for more resources and our comprehensive online course. Let's get started!
00:00 Loving is active; being in love is static.
06:11 When does desire mature into genuine love?
09:36 Love grows from curiosity about differences.
11:58 Embrace love's full emotional range, expect effort.
15:01 Perceived love stems from unresolved past issues.
19:07 Unconditional love needs trust and balance.
23:31 Is it really love? Assess mutual expressions.
26:06 Commit to love; openness overcomes relationship differences.
27:47 Podcast break; explore past episodes and resources.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
The Power of Differentiation: Strengthening Bonds While Honouring Individuality
Welcome back to The Relationship Maze! In today's episode, "Differentiation," Tom and Angela dive into a crucial phase in relationship development known as differentiation. Have you ever felt that your partner is not the same as they were during the honeymoon period? Or struggled with being yourself in the relationship? You're not alone. Differentiation, a concept originally developed by Margaret Mahler, is all about recognizing and navigating the differences between you and your partner. We'll explore why it's natural for relationships to evolve, why noticing differences can be a good thing, and how this stage can ultimately lead to a more fulfilling and deeper connection. Tune in to learn how to navigate this challenging yet essential phase and transform your relationship into something even more rewarding. Don't forget to subscribe and visit therelationshipmaze.com for more resources to help you on your journey!
00:00 Mahler's theory: infants learn self differentiation stages. 04:59 Difficulty arises when relationship moves past symbiotic stage. 08:00 Partner's differentiation feels like an abandonment threat. 11:13 Recognize and respect partner's individuality and differences. 13:34 Arguments arise from unmet relationship expectations. 17:55 Couples therapy and resources help navigate conflicts. 19:59 Learning to communicate safely and empathetically is crucial. 24:48 Empowering stages, therapy options, podcast, course info.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Emotional Avoidance - How to Create More Connection With Others
Welcome to The Relationship Maze podcast. In this episode, we delve into the complexities of experiential avoidance, a common psychological phenomenon where individuals steer clear of situations that evoke negative emotions. Hosts Tom and Angela explore the underlying fears that drive this behaviour, such as the worry that addressing certain topics might negatively impact their relationships. They discuss how these fears are often rooted in past experiences and societal conditioning which teach us to suppress so-called negative emotions. Join us as we uncover the significance of facing these uncomfortable situations to foster deeper intimacy and stronger connections in relationships. We'll also provide practical guidance on how to recognize and manage the physical sensations and thoughts associated with these challenging emotions, ultimately helping you lead a more fulfilling life. Stay tuned to learn how to navigate the emotional landscapes of your relationships more effectively. 00:00 Overcome avoidance for better, fulfilling relationships. 04:39 Avoiding conflict in relationships due to fear. 07:16 Shortsighted way of interacting, withholding truth from partner. 12:18 Clients' childhood emotional experiences impact current behavior. 16:11 Avoidance driven by unknown uncomfortable feelings, disconnection. 17:10 Identify feelings, tune into the body. 21:13 Open communication fosters intimacy and connection. 24:30 Encouraging openness and curiosity in a relationship.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Are you experiencing burn out? - Signs you are on the slippery slope to exhaustion
Do you feel completely exhausted a lot of the time and do you struggle with low motivation and a sense of hopelessness? In today's episode we are looking at the symptoms of burnout, a term that was coined by the psychologist Herbert Freudenberger in the 1970s. Burnout is not a medical term but describes a cluster of symptoms that are experienced on a physical, emotional and behavioural level.
Burnout is not the same as stress; it is usually the end result of too much stress. While stress usually involves having too much of something (work, tasks, demands), burnt out often presents as having too little: too little motivation, hope, energy or care.
You may well be experiencing burnout when you display any of the following physical symptoms: feeling exhausted and drained, getting ill a lot - having a compromised immune system, struggling to sleep, over- or under- eating or you are getting frequent headaches, stomach pain or muscle ache.
Emotional signs that you are in the grip of burnout may include: experiencing low self esteem and high self doubt, feeling lonely in the world, feeling helpless and hopeless, having a negative view point most of the time and experiencing little joy or feeling quite detached from the world.
In terms of behaviour you may be withdrawing from people, start to use alcohol or drugs to cope, having lower tolerance for others, getting irritable or skipping work.
The first step to manage burnout is to notice the lead up to it. You need to recognise it, reverse it by learning to manage stress more effectively and to build more resilience to stress by taking care of yourself.
Burnout will inevitably affect your relationship. When burnt out you struggle with connection.
The Relationship Maze courses: What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz.
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
How not to take your partner for granted - gratitude and appreciation
In episode 79 of The Relationship Maze we talk about the importance of gratitude and appreciation. How often do you actively stop and notice the things in life that make you feel good - a friendly exchange with the postwoman, fresh green leaves on the trees outside your house or a hug by your partner? How often do you let others, including your partner, know that you like what they said or did for you?
Feeling gratitude and expressing appreciation are important in relationships as well as other walks of live. Research shows that focusing on those aspects of life that fill you with gratitude improves your overall wellbeing as well as your mental health.
We are hard wired with a bias towards negative experiences. Therefore focusing on positive experiences or those that we consider to be pleasurable requires some practice. People who regularly and continuously count their blessings are shown to lead happier lives and are less likely to experience depression.
While we do not want to diminish or belittle the challenges that you might face in your present life or that still echo from your past, we would like to highlight that in parallel to addressing these difficulties (e.g. through counselling), there is room to focus specifically on the little things in life that provide you with pleasurable experiences.
Equally, if you have had pleasurable experiences with your partner do you let them know? How often do you tell your partner or other people in your life that you appreciate their presence, support, love or kindness?
Both, gratitude and appreciation, contribute significantly to building and maintaining a health relationship where both partners feel noticed, appreciated and valued.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Mentalization and attachment- how to create a secure relationship
In today's episode we discuss the concept of mentalising: our ability to understand what goes on in our own and another person's state of mind. Mentalising is something that we learn when growing up. The better our primary caretakers are at tuning in and paying attention to our physical and emotional needs as a child, the better we are as adults to reflect on our own thoughts, feelings and behaviours as well as those of others. Mentalising means that we can step outside of our self and look in: what am I feeling/thinking/doing and why? And why is my partner responding in this way? What's going on for them? Mentalising is a skill we learned as well as an attitude. Those who are good at mentalising are good at emphathising and in this process they also learn something about themselves. Good mentalisers are interested and curious in other people and what makes them tick. Couples in distress usually struggle with their mentalising capacities. They are often not in tune with their own states of mind and they struggle to engage with their partner's inner landscape. Stress is the enemy of mentalisation. Our brain goes offline and we are simply acting in survival mode losing connection to others.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
The 10 most common relationship problems and how to address them
Today we discuss the top relationship problems that affect couples the most. We look at ways in which these problems manifest and at possible ways of addressing them. We discuss 10 items plus one bonus one.
1. Arguments: disagreements in any relationship are entirely to be expected. However, if the relationship is dominated by endless and repetitive arguments, then you may want to stop and consider what the typical contentious issues are in your relationship and to also think about the underlying causes. We are currently developing a mini course on effective arguing. Watch this space. - 2. Lack of connection: When you never find time to sit down and find out about your partner's experiences, then there is little engagement with your partner, the relationship will be suffering in the long run. Connections needs to be paid attention to and actively nurtured. - 3. Stress: Too much stress is the enemy of connection. When we are stressed we are too wrapped up in our own 'survival' and therefore cannot connect well with others. If chronically stressed then there won't be much room to empathise and understand your partner. - 4. Boredom: Many couples struggle to move on from the exciting hay days of the honeymoon period in their relationship. You start to see your partner in a more realistic light and might find it difficult to adjust to the more mundane daily routine of your life together. - 5. Children: As lovely as they are, children are frequently a stressor in relationships because of different views that partner's have of parenting and the competing demands of childcare, work and time for your partner. Couples with children often play out old relationship and family patterns from their family of origin which need to be brought into awareness. - 6. The wider family: You may struggle to get on with your partner's parents or siblings, finding them too interfering for example and/or your partner may not be keen on yours. The relationship with partners' wider family can frequently cause very serious difficulties in relationships. - 7. Trauma: When one or both partner's have experienced relational or developmental trauma in their lives, this is likely to impact the current relationship (unless the trauma has largely been worked through). - 8. Fidelity: If one or both partners have cheated and the understanding is that you are in a relationship where this is not acceptable, you will need to make a decision whether your relationship can survive this breach of trust or whether it's unforgivable. Affairs cause serious hurt and may take a long time to get over. Most affairs don't just happen spontaneously; if you decide to stay together there will need to be understanding on both sides whether there were any underlying issues that need addressing in orde
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Somebody that I used to know - the heart ache of relationship breakups
In today's episode we discuss the ending of a relationship and the heart ache that follows. We are all familiar with the metaphor of the broken heart. Many songs have been sung about the experience of being left by a loved one. There actually is such a thing as broken heart syndrome at the extreme end of the emotional and physiological pain that relationship breakups can cause.
Breaking up in a relationship is a life event that we have all experienced. It is a ‘common’ experience like moving house, leaving school, growing up and yet it can be one of the most devastating and destructive experiences one has. In particular, the breakup of a long term relationship can be traumatic and give rise to a range of very strong (conflicting) feelings including rage, despair, resentment, relief, pain and an overwhelming sense of sadness. Each partner’s future feels very delicate and uncertain.
The end of a relationship has frequently been described in similar terms to those losing a loved person to death. When losing a partner – particularly a long term partner - you go through various stages of grief and through a cycle of very intense emotions. In her ground breaking book on Death and Dying (1969), Elizabeth Kübler-Ross describes the stages a grieving partner goes through in their experience of losing a person they loved. Kübler-Ross’ description closely matches the emotions experienced when losing a partner:
1. Denial - there is a sense of disbelief that the breakup is actually happening. You are still postponing your grief as you still hold out hope that things will work out eventually.
2. Anger - the reality of what is happening has now set in. You may ask yourself why this terrible thing is happening to you. You are angry with your ex-partner for having ruined the relationship and you are angry with yourself for letting this pain happen to you. You may also be angry with others for not helping enough.
3. Bargaining - at this point you may negotiate a different kind of relationship with your ex-partner, e.g. being friends from now on. Bargaining in the grief model referred to negotiating with a higher power for the situation to be different.
4. Depression - you have now begun to acknowledge the reality of the situation. Feelings of sadness, regret or fear of the future may arise.
5. Acceptance - at this stage there is more of an emotional detachment from the initial rawness; there is less of a sense of shock. You may slowly start to move forward in your life.
The length of each these stages varies as does the order of each. Grief is not a linear process. Acceptance may be the predominant feeling, but there can still be days filled with anger or depressive feelings.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Today Tom is talking about the importance of setting goals in your relationship, or if you are single just how important it is to set goals if you want to find a fulfilling relationship.
Setting goals helps you become proactive in your life rather than reactive. Taking time to reflect on what you want and taking small regular actions is crucial in order to find and create more fulfilling relationships.
One model that can help with taking positive action in your life and relationships is the GROW model. The GROW model was created by Sir John Whitmore and his colleagues in the late 1980s.
GROW stands for:
G - Goal
Here you want to consider what it is you want to work on and what you would like as a result of taking action. It is useful to create specific goals, that can also be measured, so that you can monitor your progress towards achieving them.
R - Reality
Consider where you are now. In order to monitor progress and use feedback effectively, it is crucial to know where you are starting from.
You may consider many different elements in your current situation, including what actions you have taken so far, what your current motivation is and also any things holding you back from getting the results you want.
O - Options
Here you want to brainstorm lots of different options regarding how to achieve your goal. It can really help to make sure when you come up with options to avoid judging them, just write them down.
After you've created lots of options, then you can start to consider the advantages and disadvantages of the different options.
W - Will
Here you basically commit to action. Choose the options that you will act on and decide when you will start. You can rate the different options according to your level of commitment.
Taking action as soon as possible is always best and making sure that the steps you take action on are not too big. Small steps that are achievable lead to huge results over time.
After this podcast, take time to reflect on what goals you want to set and take action on in the area of relationships.
If you want to explore in more detail how you function in relationships, head over to our comprehensive course, The Relationship Maze. We help you understand yourself and your partner, improve your communication skills and work on building a long lasting, loving relationship.
Here's what one of our subscribers had to say about the course: 'I found the strategies suggested enabled me to see myself differently and explain why repeated approaches to relationships always had the same outcome. A real “light bulb” moment for me. There is a great wealth of material
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
'It's not me, it's you' - how blaming can break relationships
In today's episode we talk about blaming others and being at the receiving end of blame. Do you often blame our partner or other people you go on a date with?
Couples often blame their partner for things that go wrong in their life. Often one partner criticises the other aggressively and the other partner defends or withdraws. The more one defends or withdraws, the more the other protests and continues blaming. This cycle can go on for some time. Research by John Gottman shows that couples who get into a toxic blaming/defence pattern in the first few years of marriage have more than an 80% chance of getting divorced within the first 5 years of their relationship.
Do you notice that you tend to point the finger at your partner or the other person when you feel frustrated, irritated, anxious or distressed? Or do you notice that you always defend? Constant defensiveness can be an underhand way of blaming the other person too.
When we blame the other, we usually discharge some form of pain. Often the blaming partner does not feel heard, understood or cared for. Sometimes we pass on unpleasant feelings that we cannot tolerate ourselves to our partner.
For the person who is always at the receiving end of blame by their partner managing this can be extremely hard if their self esteem or confidence is low to begin with. Being constantly blamed is undermining and contributes to a lack of trust in oneself as well as the relationship.
Frequent blame in the relationship is a sign of disconnection.
The opposite of blaming is taking responsibility of your own actions and being accountable. You can let your partner know how their actions impact on you. Rather than attacking, you can say "I feel..." or "when ......, I don't feel connected to you", or "I would love it if...."
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
What does a healthy relationship look like? - In conversation with Dr Marni Feuerman
In today's episode Angela is in conversation with Dr Marni Feuerman. Dr. Marni Feuerman is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in South Florida. She is a nationally recognized relationship and marriage expert with specialized training in couples therapy. Dr. Marni is a frequently quoted expert in the media and content contributor. She has written for HuffPo, VeryWell.com, Dr. Oz’s ShareCare and The Gottman Institute among others. Her popular self-help book for women who struggle with repeated unhealthy relationship patterns is titled, Ghosted & Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart about Healthy Relationships.
In this episode Dr Marni looks in more detail at underlying work that needs to be done when couples say they need to improve their communication.
Dr Marni highlights what a healthy relationship looks like. For example, in a healthy relationships couples are able to be emotionally open and vulnerable with each other. Partners are curious about their own as well as their partner's experiences. They want to learn what's going on for their partner.
The starting point in any relationship is knowing yourself. When you are self aware, you have the capacity to notice your triggers points: what makes you feel angry, disappointed, sad or frustrated? How does your partner elicit this response from you? What do you need to feel better? What can you do for yourself/what can your partner do for you?
Dr Marni highlights ways of responding that enable you to get the support that you need from your partner and to learn to tune into your partner's needs.
What kind of checklist should you have when looking for a partner? Dr Marni highlights the four As that can serve as red flags in a new relationship: Agenda, alignment of values, addiction, abuse.
Do you want to explore the issues discussed in today's episode in more detail? Do you want to gain a better understanding of your way of being in relationships? Do you want to learn how to build an emotionally fulfilling relationship? All of these questions get addressed in great detail in our self paced online course, The Relationship Maze. Find lots of instructional videos and plenty of activities that help you gain more understanding of your needs and those of your partner.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Social Anxiety - what you experience and how to address it
Social anxiety affects large numbers in society. Judging by current trends it is on the rise and affects in particular but not exclusively people in their 20s. Social anxiety is the persistent and troublesome fear that other people will judge you (negatively), that you won't be able to engage with others or that you will say or do something that will leave you humiliated or ashamed.
Social anxiety is much more than just feelings of shyness; it is 'shyness on steroids'. Also, people who are introverted don't necessarily struggle with social anxiety. Introversion is a personality trait but not a mental health condition.
Because of the intensity of the fear those struggling with social anxiety will often attempt to avoid the very situation that causes the fear in the first place. This creates difficulties if you are looking to meet a partner and are highly fearful of being exposed in a dating situation.
We briefly talk about the brain science behind anxiety, in particular the role of the amygdala, the small almond shaped region in your brain that controls fear responses. In people with social anxiety there is a significant increase in amygdala responses.
The only way to address social anxiety is to create experiences that show you that your underlying assumptions about a social situation may not be true. The more you lean into situations that are scary for you, the more you will eventually lose the fear of these situations. In therapy, anxieties are usually addressed through gradual 'exposure' to the very situation that you invest with so many negative associations.
Often socially anxious people are fearful of not having anything to talk about when going on a date. As a conversation starter you may want to look at the New York Times The 36 Questions that Lead to Love - some of the questions are quite intimate, others are great for exploration and to initiate a discussion that may be quite interesting.
If you want to explore in more detail how you function in relationships, head over to our comprehensive course, The Relationship Maze. We help you understand yourself and your partner, improve your communication skills and work on building a long lasting, loving relationship.
Here's what one of our subscribers had to say about the course: 'I found the strategies suggested enabled me to see myself differently and explain why repeated approaches to relationships always had the same outcome. A real “light bulb” moment for me. There is a great wealth of material available on this site - such great value for money. I highly recommend The Relationship Maze'
If you want more
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Are you or your partner affected by trauma in your life? Trauma has a profound effect on our overall wellbeing and in this episode we explore some of the ways in which trauma may impact you. The term 'trauma' often gets used in colloquial language to indicate high levels of stress. While it is true that all traumatic events are stressful, we cannot say that all stressful events are to do with trauma.
The impact of trauma can often manifest many years later. We distinguish between single event trauma, e.g. a car accident, an operation, war, loss in the family, witnessing a horrific crime, a natural disaster and developmental/complex trauma which happens over a period of time and is recurring, e.g. abuse, abandonment or neglect.
Early symptoms of trauma can include flashbacks, hypervigilance, intrusive images, nightmares, shame and lack of self worth, mood swings, high sensitivity to sounds and light, hyperactivity, abrupt mood swings or feeling stressed most of the time.
Later presentations of trauma may include panic attacks, avoidant behaviour, addiction, being attracted to dangerous situations, hyper sexual activity, self harm, struggle with memory and often a difficulty to connect with other people. In this episode we briefly talk about ways of enabling you to stay within your 'Window of Tolerance' (Daniel Siegel), i.e. the mental and physical state where you are feeling calm, relaxed and well.
Trauma is experienced in your body. The body holds our memories of trauma. It often manifests in a number of physical symptoms like chronic pain, stomach problems, fatigue, lowered immune system, skin disorders and many other presentations.
Trauma affects the way that you relate to other people. With early developmental trauma you may not remember exactly what happened to you but you may have learned for example that the people close to you are not trustworthy or reliable. This implicit memory will then still play out in your current relationship. Paradoxically, we are often drawn to situations that replicate the original trauma.
If you or your partner have experienced trauma, we recommend that you find a trauma focused therapist. Effective trauma therapy works with body and mind.
If you would like to create greater connection with your partner or would like to create a strong and solid relationship, we invite you to our comprehensive online relationship course.
The course draws on our years of experience as therapists working with individual clients and couples.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
The Inner Film: Exploring the Role of Projection in Shaping Relationship Experiences
In today's episode of The Relationship Maze, we explore the concept of projection and its impact on relationships. Join Tom and Angela as they delve into the fascinating topic of projection, shedding light on how our past experiences shape our perceptions of others. They discuss how projection can influence our attraction to certain people and how it impacts our behavior in relationships. Through insightful examples and discussions, they highlight the importance of self-awareness and how understanding our projections can lead to healthier, more fulfilling connections. Stay tuned as they offer practical tips and tools for navigating the intricate web of projection in relationships. Don't forget to visit the relationshipmaze.com for additional resources and information. This thought-provoking episode will deepen your understanding of projection and its role in relationships.
00:00 Early experiences shape our understanding of the world 05:32 Raising voice can signal fear or danger. 10:06 Exploring the shadow side and projection onto others. 13:23 Understanding personal emotions and projections in relationships. 15:50 Couples therapy theories: Familiarity in partner attraction. 17:50 Understanding projection gives control over subconscious behaviors. 22:07 Reflect on experiences, emotions through daily journaling.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
How to strengthen your relationship while in big life transitions
In today's episode we are in conversation with Dr Ilene Strauss Cohen - https://doctorilene.com - psychotherapist, author of five award winning self-help books and above all mother to two lively daughters. Ilene's publications include her most famous book, 'When It’s Never About You', and her new book, 'Anxious for Answers'. She’s a regular contributor to Psychology Today, with dedicated readers numbering in the millions.
In the discussion with Ilene we talk about life transitions and family as systems. How does a big change in a couple's or family's life impact on everyone? We discuss how the arrival of the child impacts on a couple. Having a first child is one of the biggest changes that happens to the couple relationship, yet many couples are often very unprepared for this big life change.
Another big life event that has a huge and often transformational impact on a family is the death of a family member. This is particularly true if this family member was very influential.
Ilene explores some of the idea of Bowen's Family Systems Theory. Couples and families are emotional units where each member impacts the other and is interdependent. If there is change at one end of the system, it will affect everyone else.
Ilene also highlights how to manage anxiety in the couple system. Couples in conflict are often in a high state of anxiety and need to regulate this first before they can resolve the conflict.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
The questions 'Do I really love the person I am with?' or 'Do I still love my partner?' are often asked in therapy. In the early stages of the relationship one or both partners might be unsure whether they have made the right choice. In a more established relationship where there is a lot of conflict, partners may start to question whether there is still love in the relationship.
We are often presented with ideas about love that present us with an unattainable ideal. Love in romantic films is often portrayed as the end goal of an arduous journey; once we are at the end point we will live happily ever after.
When loving another person we make an active choice; we decide that we are deeply interested in the other person and that we continue to be open to the process of engagement with the other. Love is not a finished product but a continual process. When loving someone we opting in; we have to want to love someone.
In this episode we discuss how your drivers and attachment style also come into play when feeling unsure about loving another person.
If you want to explore in more detail how you function in relationships, head over to our comprehensive course, The Relationship Maze. We help you understand yourself and your partner, improve your communication skills and work on building a long lasting, loving relationship.
Here's what one of our subscribers had to say about the course: 'I found the strategies suggested enabled me to see myself differently and explain why repeated approaches to relationships always had the same outcome. A real “light bulb” moment for me. There is a great wealth of material available on this site - such great value for money. I highly recommend The Relationship Maze'
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Commitment in a relationship - what does it mean to you?
In today's episode we discuss common fears that come up when it comes to making a decision about your partner. We also talk about the challenges that arise if one or both partners opt out of or question their commitment to the relationship and their partner.
What does the term 'commitment' conjure up for you? For many people the idea of committing to another person brings up a lot of fear. Frequently there may be an association with being trapped or stuck.
Difficulties with committing to a relationship may be down to a fear of being tied down to a relationship and partner that does not feel safe. If your earlier relationship templates in life have primed you to expect trouble in intimate relationships or if you have learned that relying on another person can be risky, you are likely to be very cautious at the idea of making yourself vulnerable and having dependency needs. In particular an avoidant-dismissing attachment style is often associated with partners who are masters at defending against intimacy.
Committing to another person and a relationship with this person means saying 'yes'. That does not mean that you have to agree to everything that your partner brings and that you cannot disagree. In fact, you frequently will. Fundamentally, committing to the relationship is a stance of openness to the other person.
The process of committing to another person can happen relatively quickly for some people, however, for others it may take a while, in particular if they have been badly hurt before. Commitment issues often arise because there is an underlying lack of trust: the trust that the other person can really be there for you. Rather than staying in the relationship which feels risky, it might feel less painful potentially for the insecure person to exit before they get hurt.
Even if you have made a firm commitment to your relationship by getting married, committing to your partner is an ongoing process that doesn't just stop after the wedding vows have been exchanged. Relationships go through different stages and in any relationship there will be two people with different view points, opinions, expectations and desires. These difference will cause the occasional, or frequent, conflict. Being committed to your partner and the relationship entails an openness to engage with your partner's perspective, even if you disagree with it or if it clashes with your own needs and wishes.
For more information on improving your relationship or starting a new relationship head over to The Relationship Maze website.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Why it is so hard to leave an abusive relationship
If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, you may wonder why they are putting up with the abuse and just don't leave. You may also ask yourself this question if you are currently in a relationship that is abusive.
Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviour in relationships where one partner maintains power and control over the other. The abuse consists of physical, emotional, sexual, economic, psychological or spiritual acts that threaten the partner. The partner who is at the receiving end of abuse is put down, belittled, intimidated, frightened, manipulated, hurt, shamed, blamed or injured.
Domestic abuse occurs across gender, socioeconomic, ethnic, sexual, religious or cultural boundaries. Man can abuse women and women can abuse man. The same goes for anybody who identifies as non-binary.
In today's episode we look at two aspects of domestic abuse: the abuse cycle and the trauma bond. We also look at the connection between an insecure attachment style and being in an abusive relationship. We use the term 'victim' or 'survivor' (this term emphasises the capacity of people who are the receiving end of domestic abuse to develop strategies that help them manage the abuse).
Abuse in relationships usually unfolds gradually. The perpetrator is mostly experienced as charming, caring and loving in the early stages of the relationship.
In the abuse cycle we identify four typical phases: the tension building phase, the crisis point/assault, reconciliation/honeymoon phase and the return to 'normality'/calm phase.
The glue that binds together perpetrator and victim is the trauma bond (also called Stockholm Syndrome). When in a situation that is experienced as dangerous our natural instinct is to turn towards the person closest to us for soothing. In abusive relationships that very person is also the source of the threat and fear. In the emotional confusion this causes for victims/survivors, they become increasingly anxious and more and more dependent. In particular in the reconciliation phase of the abuse cycle when the victim experiences 'love bombing' by the perpetrator the victim feels soothed and reaffirmed again by their partner. There is the perpetual hope that everything will be alright again eventually.
Survivors of domestic abuse tend to be in a 'freeze' state of the fight/flight/freeze response of the automatic nervous system. The safest way to survive the abuse is to 'play dead': to shut down, dissociate , deny or appease. A nervous system that is in a chronic freeze response often leads to a number of physiological manifestations: chronic headaches, stomach pain, high blood pressure, fatigue, depression and anxiety and many other PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) symptoms.
Survivors of do
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Red flags in relationships - 23 signs that you are in trouble
In today's episode we talk about the kind of behaviours that indicate that your relationship is in trouble. Some of these red flags require more urgent action, others may require attention further down the line. All of the flags listed below should not be ignored in the long run as they are likely to erode or undermine you and/or the relationship.
Pay close attention if your partner or the person you just met displays any of the following characteristics or behaviours:
They are physically or verbally violent. -
They express anger or other extreme emotional reactions (prolonged, silent treatment) in a way that makes you feel unsafe. -
You are concerned about their excessive alcohol and/or substance abuse. -
They exceed your physical boundaries even in small ways making you feel uncomfortable. -
They put you down regularly - even if done in a joking way. -
They hold views that are abhorrent to you, e.g. racist, misogynistic, homophobic. -
They are excessively jealous and can’t manage to control it - e.g. they tell you what to wear, who you can see or where you can go. -
They love bomb you, i.e. they make grandiose, over-the- top, expressions of love too early on. This is common with narcissists and often goes together with other toxic traits including gaslighting and emotional abuse. -
They are at a very different life stage, e.g. you want kids, they want to party. -
They describe all their exes in a very negative light, always blaming the other and not taking on any responsibility for their own, contributing actions. -
They are highly inconsistency or noncommittal. -
You experience a lack of emotional intimacy in the relationship. You can't really be open with each other. -
They rely on you as the only person for emotional support for their serious mental health issues. -
They don’t like it when you take time for yourself. They require constant attention. -
They ghost you frequently, early on in the relationship, disappearing and then popping up again. -
They gaslight you, making you question your own judgements. -
Your friends express an unusual dislike for your partner. -
They are rude to other people who they perceive to have less power, e.g. people in the service industry. -
You feel unusually hesitant to introduce them to your friends. -
Their dating profile differs significantly from the actual person in front of you. -
They don’t listen to you. -
They constantly require reassurance from you. -
They are glued to social media all the time not paying much attention to you. -
For more information on improving your relationship or starting a new relations
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Today we discuss different aspects of trust: the trust you place in yourself and in other people. We have to trust other people implicitly all the time. For example, when driving a car we trust the other drivers not to crash into us.
We make predictions about what is going to happen based on our previous experiences. If these experiences have been largely positive, we are likely to have to have similar expectations of other people in subsequent situations. The same is true of negative experiences. Our experiences shape our beliefs.
When dating or in the early stages of a relationship you are in a situation of vulnerability. You cannot predict yet whether the other person is going to stick around. Dating comes with a certain amount of risk.
Whether you are more or less trusting in your relationships depends on your earlier experiences. If you have learned in childhood or adulthood that other people are not reliably there for you, you are likely to predict that the same will happen in your present relationships. If you have an insecure attachment style (anxious-preoccupied, avoidant-dismissive or fearful-disorganised), you will be less trusting of other people because your earlier experiences have taught you that the important people in your life are not always available to you.
If you have little trust in yourself, you may frequently self-sabotage by unconsciously choosing partners who are not trustworthy. They confirm what you already think about yourself.
The more trust you have in yourself, the more trust you think yourself as lovable and desirable, the more likely you are to project this out to other people.
How can more trust be created in relationships? We discuss some of the ways in which you can show each other your trust.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Attending to romance in your relationship is important for at least two reasons: to keep the relationship alive, exciting and fun and to continue deepening the connection between you. Ideally you pay attention to romance not just one day in the year but throughout your relationship.
Romance has different connotations for everybody; we all like to be romanced in different ways. For some people romance is more closely associated with the idea of excitement, mystery and passion; for others it is about the deep, steady and safe bond of love.
Our way of thinking about romance is influenced by the Romantic period in the 18th/19th century. As an antidote to the previous period of rationalism key features of the Romantic period where a celebration of the emotional, spontaneous, imaginative, the irrational and the mysterious often set in wild natural locations that mirrored the hero's emotional state. Think of Emily Bronte's Wuthering Height with the doomed lovers compelled to continue falling into each other's arms in the blustery winds of the Yorkshire Moors.
Romantic gestures make ordinary life extraordinary. They emphasise what is special about the person you love and what attracted you to your partner in the first place. Being romantic means being attentive to your partner, showing them your care and love and noticing their love in return.
Romance often takes you back to the early stages of the relationship where you were falling in love as opposed to staying in love. These intensely pleasurable feelings of love can be conjured up when you decide to focus on them. Visual cues such as photos from this period may help you recall the honeymoon period.
In this episode we talk you through an exercise in Imago Therapy by Harville Hendrix that helps you to re-romanticise your relationship to create greater and more loving connection with your partner.
And finally... we love seeing our audience grow across the globe. The top cities where most of our listeners live are currently Alpharetta (US), Los Angeles (US), New York (US), Brisbane (Australia), Melbourne (Australia), Calgary (Canada), Gabarone (Botswana), Frankfurt (Germany) and the small town of Dyserth (UK). Big shout out to all of you! We really appreciate your support. Email us to let us know if there are any particular topics you would like to see us talk about: info@therelationshipmaze.com.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Why communication is not the only important aspect of successful relationships
Most people would regard communication as the key element of a strong relationship. Couples who start with couples therapy often say in their first session that they think they need to improve their communication skills. They believe that more talking or different ways of talking will address and improve the difficulties in their relationship.
And they are right, of course. However, before any communication can take place both partners will need to have a certain willingness to talk to each other. They need to want to connect. Listen to today's episode to find out how to create more connection. <p>
< <ul><li>Learn to understand what goes on for you internally. <ul><li>-
<ul><li>Learn to gain insight into your partner's state of mind. <ul><li>-
<ul><li>Know what to do when you don't feel connected at all, e.g. when you are angry. <ul><li> -
<ul><li>Learn how your parent's ability to read your mind influenced your attachment style. <ul><li>-
<ul><li>Learn why openness and curiosity toward your partner are crucial. <ul><li> <p>
Connection can take place in many ways, for example by doing fun activities together or by giving each other a hug. Another key component that creates connection in our relationships is our capacity to 'mentalise'. Mentalising is the ability to 'read' or understand the state of mind of another person as well as your own. If you can reflect on the reasons why you or the other person may be thinking or feeling in a particular way you have a better understanding of certain behaviours and may be more accepting, forgiving and ultimately understanding.
Our parents' capacity to mentalise will influence our adult attachment style.
If you can mentalise well you can create more connection with your partner. You can think about your thinking. You have more capacity to regulate strong 'negative' emotional reactions and you can come to a better understanding of what makes your partner the react the way that they do.
Connection requires a certain amount of willingness, openness and curiosity. I need to want to understand what my partner is experiencing and why. This is the point where communication is key: I need to check whether my understanding of what my partner thinks or feels is right. I may think that I know but my mentalising may have been on the wrong track and may require clarification.
For more information on improving your relationship or starting a new relationship head over to The Relationship Maze website.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Do you get drawn into other people’s relationship struggles? Or do you draw someone in to yours?
Do you often get drawn into other people's conflict? Do you bring in a third person to alleviate stress? In today's episode we discuss an important concept from family therapy: the notion of triangulation.
When we are in a situation of intense relational pressure, be it at work, with friends or our partner, we often bring in a third person to release some of this pressure. For example, if you are very frustrated with some of the demands or behaviours of your boss at work you may complain to a colleague about the unreasonable demands made on you. This temporarily releases the pressure and makes the situation more bearable. The same is true in your relationship with your partner.
Triangulation can be functional or positive where it resolves the problem or it can be dysfunctional when it perpetuates the problem. If the conflict with your partner continues over a long period of time and you always need a third person involved in your difficulties (a friend, a family member or your child) the situation can become quite pathological and unhelpful.
The most important triangle in our life is our relationship with our parents. It determines our future relationships. If your parents always struggled to resolve their conflict they may have triangulated you or a sibling. You become the mediator or rescuer in the family who always tries to fix other people's problems. You become the parentified child, stepping into the role of the parent. This dynamic then get carried forward into adult relationships.
In conflict situations with your partner you may unwittingly be triangulating your children or you may bring in your parents. Your child or mum for example may then step into the stress situation to mediate and sort out the problem.
In dating situations a third person may be brought into the dynamic to make you feel jealous, often destabilising your self confidence.
In couples therapy the therapist gets triangulated with both partners wanting the therapist on their side.
Triangulation happens all the time, however, if unchecked, it can have a devastating impact on the person who is brought into the dysfunctional relationship, for example children who get drawn into the war zone between their arguing or divorcing parents.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
How do you know that you are with the right partner? Or do you never meet the right person?
Have you been looking for a partner for some time now? Do you struggle with finding the right person for you - either you are not keen or the other person isn't smitten by you?
Or are you in a relationship and unsure whether your partner is right for you?
When dating you may find that you are often attracted to a similar kind of person, frequently someone who may not be the best match for you. In today episode we discuss whether there needs to be an initial spark when meeting someone; what might make you feel attracted to another person; why your understanding of yourself is key in relationships; how your attachment style influences your dating behaviour; your unconscious choices in selecting a partner; factors that contribute to building a long term relationship; whether you may need to develop different strategies when looking for a partner; questions you may ask yourself to determine whether your partner is right for you.
We discuss all of these topics and much more in our online course The Relationship Maze, a comprehensive and easy to follow course that is informed by our many years of working as therapists with individuals and couples. We discuss all aspects to do with dating and relationships.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
The Inner Critic: Understanding Its Influence and Developing a Kind and Supportive Inner Voice
Welcome to a new episode of "The Relationship Maze" where we dive into the complexities of your critical, inner voice and the impact it has on our relationships. In this episode, Tom and Angela explore the role of the inner critic, discussing why it might have developed, its effects on your life and ways to manage it for a more positive experience in your relationships. They delve into the impact of early experiences, schooling, and social media on developing and reinforcing the inner critic, offering insights and practical techniques to challenge and detach from negative self-talk. Join us as we navigate through the maze of our inner thoughts and learn to cultivate a more compassionate relationship with ourselves.
00:00 Negative emotions can impact performance and relationships. 04:57 Developing soothing inner voice is important. 07:17 Insecure childhood attachments affect self-worth and relationships. 11:48 Agreement leads to public scrutiny and feedback. 15:46 Create character names to represent inner critic. 18:33 Negative self-talk hinders performance and meaning. 19:54 Adapting to criticism requires time and practice. 23:21 Writing down self-talk helps identify patterns.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Are you always the victim, persecutor or rescuer in conflict situations? - Understanding the drama triangle
In conflict situations we tend to step into familiar roles and often endlessly repeat the same unhelpful behaviour patterns. Karpman's Drama Triangle offers a useful model to understand the three roles that play out in these situations and what needs to be done to find a way out of these repetitive conflict scenarios.
The three roles we can step into are that of The Victim, The Persecutor and The Rescuer.
The person in the role of the victim feels oppressed, helpless and powerless and inferior. The stance in life is 'Poor Me'.
The person in the role of the persecutor is blaming, oppressive, critical and superior. Their stance is 'It's all your fault'.
The person in the rescuer role needs to help, find solutions, be supportive and allows the victim to fail. Their stance is "Let me help you'.
We tend to have a preferred role that we play in conflict situations. This role was usually formed in our family of origin and is therefore very familiar. However, in the drama triangle we also switch roles from time to time when one position becomes untenable. A victim can become a rescuer or persecutor; a persecutor can become a rescuer or victim.
Depending on the nature of your relationship you may be stuck in a particular familiar dance: one of you is always the victim, the other always the rescuer. One of you is always hard done by or helpless and the other needs to always support the other and enable your partner's difficulties.
When stepping out of the drama triangle the aim is to act in a more adult way, rather than from the perspective of child or parent. For more background info on the adult/child/parent model listen to our podcast of 7 March 2021, How to use Transactional Analysis to communicate better.
Nobody wins in being stuck in the Drama Triangle. To step out of it you will need to develop more awareness of the role that you play and to take responsibility for your own feelings and behaviours. Persecutors will need to learn to be more assertive rather than aggressive, victims will need to learn to recognise their vulnerabilities and learn how to address them and rescuers will need to set more boundaries, allowing the other person to make their own decisions.
We explore ways of communicating more effectively and dealing with conflict in much more detail in our online course The Relationship Maze. Check out our website to find out more and to access other resources.
You can also get additional show notes on
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Don't let the January Blues bring down your relationship - low mood and depression at the start of the year
Now that Christmas and New Year is behind you do you struggle with feeling sluggish, more pessimistic and less motivated than usual? The beginning of the year is often a time when many people experience very low mood. The month of January is often associated with high levels of depressive episodes. While the idea of 'Blue Monday' is reportedly a marketing invention by a travel company many mental health organisations report a 25% in the incidence of client depression.
In today's episode we discuss the difference between clinical depression and short term low mood episodes. Our moods fluctuate all the time and a short period of low mood does not mean that we are depressed. We look at the reasons for the high number of people feeling low after Christmas. We also look at the impact of depression on individual partners as well as the couple system.
The PHQ9 is a short questionnaire which measures the severity of depression. (Depression Severity: 0-4 none, 5-9 mild, 10-14 moderate, 15-19 moderately severe, 20-27 severe). Please be advised to contact a mental health professional if your depression severity is high.
We are adding more and more resources on our website The Relationship Maze - head over there now and find new ways to help you improve your relationships.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
New year's resolutions - How your values may inform your relationship goals for 2022
In this episode we talk about new year's resolutions for the incoming year. We start off by discussing the relative merits of new year's resolutions and setting yourself goals in general. You may always start the year with lots of new plans or you may not. Is now the time to consider what matters to you in your life and in your relationships? How do your values inform the goals that you are setting for yourself, either in your relationship or in aiming to find the right relationship for you?
We set goals explicitly or implicitly all the time. Goals give us a sense of direction in life. However, before setting off in trying to reach a particular goal it is helpful to consider first of all why you might want to achieve a certain goal. What informs your desire to have a specific relationship goal? For example, if your value is to have a close connection with your partner then you your goals should be related to this overarching value. One of your goals could be to learn to manage conflict more effectively. Disagreements with your partner that can be addressed and resolved build more connection and intimacy in the relationship. Another goal may be to go to dance classes or to undertake other activities that bring enjoyment to the relationship and help you build connection.
If you are single it would be helpful to have a clear understanding of the values that matter to you in a relationship. These values will clarify the goals that you can set yourself in going about on your partner search.
We briefly discuss different goal setting models such as SMART and GROW that can be helpful in breaking down your goals and keeping you focused on getting the result that you would like to see.
We are adding more and more resources on our website The Relationship Maze - head over there now and find new ways to help you improve your relationships.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
How differentiated are you? The key signs that indicate your level of success in a relationship
In today's episode Angela talks about the concept of differentiation. Differentiation refers to our ability to develop and evolve psychologically, on our own and in relationships with others. In relationships we need to maintain our sense of self while also getting close to another person without losing our identity. Differentiation means we are neither emotionally fused nor are we completely separate from each either; we know who we are and we can tolerate our partner being different from us. We can be our self within the structure of an intimate relationship. The higher the level of differentiation in the couple, the more mature and successful the relationship.
Angela discusses the signs that show that you are in a relationship where one or both partners are poorly differentiated. Or maybe you are in a relationship that shows high levels of differentiation?
Being locked up and thrown more closely together as a couple has been quite challenging for lots of couples during the pandemic. One indicator of a relationship that is mature and able to survive a lot of strain and stress in the relationship is the level of differentiation. Arguably a high level of differentiation in both partners is the number one indicator of a successful relationship.
In a nutshell differentiation is the process by which we become more uniquely ourselves by maintaining ourselves in relationship with those we love.
There are two forces that pull us in a different direction in every relationship:
Our need for togetherness. The pull to be loved and belong, to be part of a group. In this polarity, we might choose to minimize our personal preferences or dull our traits in order to be loved by our partner.
Autonomy/individuality. The pull to be myself and to follow my own directives. The need to create our own unique identify.
Differentiation is higher order to togetherness and autonomy. In relationships we need both. In today’s society independence is prized above all. It is seen as as strength. Therefore there is often confusion about this in relationships. Surely, if I am more independent that’s a good thing? Independence is a very valuable but relationships also require interdependence. We all have a need to be cared for and loved.
Signs that there are low levels of differentiation in the relationship include
An excessive need for harmony and the complete avoidance of conflict.
Constant fighting as both partners can only see their own position as valid.
Distancing yourself from your partner based on the belief that nothing can be resolved.
Leading separate lives.
Spilling over into each other. One or both partners feel responsible for the feelings of the other.
Signs o
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Having less stress at Christmas - synching your expectations around money, spending time with wider family and chores
If you celebrate Christmas you may have all sorts of expectations of the festive days. Based on your earlier experiences of Christmas you are likely to have a number of associations with Christmas - some positive, some negative. Many couples experience Christmas as stressful for a number of reasons: giving and receiving gifts that are appropriate, concerns about spending a lot of money, spending time with your partner's family and managing the various chores on the day(s). If you are single and spending Christmas without family, the holiday period can be experienced as intensely lonely. In this episode we discuss these potential stressors and consider ways of preparing for Christmas as best as possible.
Expectations You are likely to have a particular script about the way you would ideally like to spend Christmas; this may either be a wish for a corrective experience, now wanting Christmas to be the way you always wanted it to be but never quite got or a wish for the Christmas that you always had as a child and that you want to replicate as best as possible. Check with your partner what they want to avoid possible disappointments. Agree ahead of the Christmas days what you both wish for.
Gifts You may have a very clear idea in your head about the kind of present you want to get for your partner. Your partner may have the same thoughts. You may find that your ideas about Christmas presents vary wildly. One of you may be used to getting very extravagant presents; the other may buy a 'small' present. There can easily be disappointments about the presents that are received. It helps to clarify from the outset what your expectations (and means) are and to agree whether you want to surprise each other or indicate what you would like to receive.
Money Money has a transactional value that goes beyond monetary value. Money has symbolic significance; it can stand in for love, power, success, autonomy, dependence or sexiness. Each of us has grown up with a specific concept of money depending on how it (or the lack of it) was experienced when you are growing up. Partners in relationships need to have conversations about money and how it gets managed in the relationship, in particular when living together. At Christmas disparities and different ideas about money often come to the fore. Be clear what and how you want to spend your money over the festive period if you often experience challenges in this area.
The wider family - your partner's parents You may enjoy your partner's family/parents in which case there is no stress around spending extended time together. You may, however, find your partner's family challenging. There will need to be acceptance up to a point that your partner would lik
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
How does your attachment style influence your mindset? - Security, insecurity and rigidity in relationships and dating
Are you aware of your attachment style in relationships? Do you know what activates you into feeling insecure in a relationship? Knowing your attachment style will be hugely beneficial in understanding how you relate to other people. In this episode we consider whether your mindset is determined by your attachment style. We ask whether an insecure attachment style is more likely to lead to a fixed mindset and conversely whether a growth mindset can contribute to changing your attachment style. We briefly discuss the four attachment styles and how they manifest in relationships: secure, anxious-preoccupied, avoidant-dismissive and fearful-disorganised. Neither attachment styles nor mindsets are set in stone - a growth mindset can contribute to developing security in relationships.
Your attachment style is your specific way of relating to other people. Attachment Theory was originally developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. As a child you create an internal working model or template of relationships based on your experiences with your primary care giver(s). As adults we carry forward these templates; they will inform what we expect of relationships and our partners and how we respond to their behaviour. While these templates are not set in stone, they originate in our childhood experiences and get confirmed or amended with subsequent experiences in adult life. The following are a very brief summary of the different attachment styles:
Secure attachment
You find it easy to establish strong, intimate relationships. You can share how you feel - the good, the bad and the ugly. You trust other people and are happy to both give and receive love. You can depend on your partner but also be independent.
Insecure attachment
Anxious-preoccupied: you are very concerned about being abandoned by your partner - ultimately you cannot trust anybody to stick around for long. You need quite a lot of validation and reassurance by your partner and will often be experienced as 'needy' in the relationship. You spend a lot of time thinking about the relationship, constantly analysing what has been said and what this may mean.
Avoidant-dismissive: you are highly independent and struggle with too much closeness to your partner. You easily feel suffocated and trapped. You cannot really trust anyone to be there for you in the long run so you may as well best rely only on yourself. You tend to keep your feelings to yourself.
Fearful-disorganised: you want closeness but are also highly worried about being too dependent on anybody else. You want affection but are also highly suspicious of anybody who offers it to you. You may engage in a lot of risky behaviour and may be more likely to end up in a relationship that is violent. You struggle
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Do you have a fixed or growth mindset? - Mindsets and their impact on relationships and dating
Do you believe in the idea that love is either there or it isn't? Do you think that your partner is either meant to be for you or not? Do you worry that a partner who is not always as perfect as you want them to be may not be the right partner for you? In today's episode we discuss how your mindset influences your thinking about relationships and dating. The notion of mindsets was developed by Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck (2006). She suggested that people can take up two extreme positions in life: they either have a fixed mindset or a growth mindset. If you have a fixed mindset you believe that your own qualities or that of others cannot change; if you have a growth mindset you strongly believe in stretching yourself through learning and trying. Your mindset will determine your attitude to all aspects of life including your thinking about relationships.
Carol Dweck developed the idea of mindsets originally when observing children's behaviour. She noticed that some children gave up immediately when they were faced with a challenge or a setback telling themselves that they could not do the task. Other children, however, were not troubled by setbacks but simply tried again. Dweck's coined the terms fixed and growth mindsets to describe underlying beliefs about learning and about intelligence. Her findings found particular application in the realm of parenting and education. However, fixed and growth mindsets are equally useful concepts when considering romantic relationships.
Fixed mindset in relationships A fixed mindset means that you are more likely to think of relationships as static; you are either in the right relationship or you are not. If problems come your way, you are more prone to worry about the relationship in terms of whether it is right or not. This attitude starts at the point of dating. With a fixed mindset you weigh up whether the person in front of you is right or not. There may be a strong underlying belief in destiny. If your date is not ticking all the boxes you consider them to be the wrong partner for you. Ultimately with a fixed mindset you are more likely to be anxious about challenges. The idea of one true, ideal lover and love as a constant is of course drummed into us through fairy tale stories and romantic Hollywood movies.
Growth mindset in relationships With a growth mindset you accept that relationships like other aspects of life are ever changing. You view relationships as an unfold
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
What happens when you 'lose your mind'? - How understanding the structure of your brain helps in conflict situations
Understanding the structure of your brain helps you and your partner to understand what happens when you are in a state of high emotional expression, e.g. when angry or feeling under attack. We briefly discuss the three main regions of the brain: the brainstem, the limbic area and the cortex by using Daniel Siegel's highly visual hand model of the brain. When we feel threatened we react - that's the way our brain works. Being reactive and mobilising for fight, flight or freeze responses means we are in survival mode. In this mode we are reactive rather than receptive to our partner. In order to be open to others we need to be able to employ the thinking part of our brain, the cortex which enables us to reflect, think and connect with others. We discuss how to be able to switch from a highly reactive survival response to having the capacity again for social engagement: listening, understanding why we responded the way we did and being able to generate understanding for the other person.
Our brain had three main areas: the brainstem, the limbic area and the cortex (sometimes also called neocortex). In order of visualise these three areas Daniel Siegel suggested using our hand as a model. Put your thumb in the middle of your palm and close your four fingers over your thumb. The front of your knuckles would represent the front of your face; the wrist represents your spinal cord. Lift your fingers and move your thumb away from the palm of your hand you can see your inner brainstem. When you put your thumb back and curl your fingers over it, it means that your cortex is in place and working.
Most of the time when you are arguing with your partner you do so because you want to be connected, to be really understood and listened to. In order to be able to talk to each other effectively, i.e. to listen to the other and to be listened to, both partners need to be in a receptive rather than a reactive state.
The bit about the human brain
When our nervous system goes into a reactive mode our fight/flight/freeze responses get activated which make it neurologically impossible for us to be able to positively connect with another person. The parts of the brain that get activated in this state are older in evolutionary terms, the brain stem and limbic system. The old brain is hardwired for automatic reactions that don’t require thinking therefore allowing us to react very quickly when we perceive to be in danger. The sensory data from our brain gets the body into motion; it requires us to run, to fight back or to play dead depending on what seems to be the best strategy for survival at the time. We share this part of our anatomy, the “reptilian brain” (brain stem) and the
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
How to deal with a toxic partner? - Breaking away from narcissistic abuse
Do you suspect that you or someone you know may be in a relationship with a partner who is narcissistic? Narcissism is a personality disorder. A narcissist has an excessive need for admiration, a distorted view of their own importance and a complete lack of empathy. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist your relationship will be toxic. In today's episode Angela talks to Dr Mariette Jansen, author of 'From Victim to Victor – Narcissism Survival Guide' and the more recent 'Rulebook of a Narcissist – Narcissism Self-help Guide’. Mariette herself was at the receiving end narcissistic abuse; she is passionate about bringing more awareness to the experience of being in this type of toxic relationship. Mariette highlights how to spot the red flags that tell you that your partner might be narcissistic and what to do if you find yourself at the receiving end of narcissistic abuse. Mariette offers practical tips on how to respond adequately to the demands of a narcissist and how to break the narcissist's rules effectively.
Dr Mariette Jansen suffered for many years at the hand of narcissist abuse by her mother. She is now specialising in coaching clients who have a experienced narcissistic abuse by their partner or other people who are close.
Being in a relationship with a partner who is a narcissist gradually and painfully erodes a partner's self esteem and self worth. Often this process is not noticeable to the partner who may increasingly experience a number of feelings and thoughts that tend to be very self critical. A narcissist will shower you with attention and interest in the early stages of the relationship. This 'love bombing' is very seductive and exciting. In the course of the relationship the narcissist will change their tone. They will be become critical, complaining, attacking and may also frequently engage in 'gaslighting' their partner.
In this podcast we discuss how a person who is experiencing narcissistic abuse by their partner may invariably contribute and feed into the abuse. Mariette offers some practical tips on how to respond to your narcissistic partner when they are making unrealistic demands, put you down, make you question your judgement or belittle you.
Not sure whether your partner is a narcissist? Mariette's checklist will give you an idea of the types of behaviour that indicate that you partner may be narcissistic.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Are you often too giving? - The art of balancing the giving and receiving of love
Do you frequently feel that you are the only person around who is constantly giving? Do you struggle with actually taking in compliments when they are given to you? Or do you find yourself feeling overwhelmed when there is too much attention coming your way?In today's episode we discuss the importance of giving and and receiving love in a balanced way.We look at the complexities around giving: often the need to constantly give can be driven by an underlying issue with low self worth or a number of anxieties. Often there is also a correlation between giving a lot and not being able to fully receive other people's attention and care. Conversely, you may find yourself struggling with giving your partner or other people close to you the attention that they desire from you. You may also find too much attention overwhelming.
Do you often find yourself in a relationship where you feel that you are the one who is constantly making all the effort? There are usually underlying reasons for finding yourself in this position. These reasons may be related to
an insecure, anxious-preoccupied attachment style
a 'Please others' driver
low self esteem
anxiety about losing friends or a partner
Frequently, when finding yourself giving too much to others, you take up the position of the victim in the relationship with others and make others the perpetrator.
Conversely, do you find that you struggle to be very giving? Do you tend to be more withholding in relationships? The underlying reasons for your behaviour may be related to
an insecure, avoidant-dismissive attachment style
feeling overwhelmed when there is too much attention and focus on you
anxiety about becoming trapped in a relationship
There are many facets to giving and receiving love. The underlying reasons for giving too much/too little or receiving too much/too little tend to go back to earlier experiences that we had, either in childhood or in our subsequent adult relationships.
In today's episode we look at some of the possible scenarios that you may frequently find yourself in.
In Transactional Analysis we talk about drivers, ways in which we learned to behave to feel ok. If your driver is to 'Please others' (please see also our related podcasts Being a People Pleaser and 'I'm ok, you're ok' - the foundation of healthy relationships) you are likely to have a life script that tells you that you need to always be nice to other peopl
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Which Developmental Stage Are You At In Your Relationship?
In this episode of "The Relationship Maze," Tom and Angela dive into the different developmental stages of relationships, exploring the model developed by Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson from the Couples Institute.
Drawing parallels with early childhood development, they discuss the stages of adult relationships: symbiosis, differentiation, practicing, rapprochement, and mutual interdependence. Each of these stages serves a specific function in the development of the relationship and each of these stages requires particular developmental tasks of each individual as well as the couple as a team.
Tom and Angela unpack the challenges and dynamics couples face at each stage, from the initial euphoria of the honeymoon phase to the struggles of couples who don't move beyond this initial stage. These often present in couples therapy and face the challenges of enmeshment or hostile dependency. Tom and Angela also touch on the complexities of partners being at different stages in relationships and provide insights into navigating these relationship stages towards a healthier and fulfilling connection.
If you're looking to understand and improve your relationships, join Tom and Angela as they guide you through this enlightening exploration.
00:00 Couples Institute's relationship model based on developmental stages. 05:52 Stages of couple relationships: symbiosis and differentiation. 06:59 Seeing people in a different light is natural. 11:49 Practicing stage focuses on individual autonomy and self-esteem. 15:26 Stage of relationship development towards mutual interdependence. 18:16 Mutual interdependence creates a secure, mature relationship. 19:59 Rare to have partners at different stages. 25:12 Couple therapy: partners' different developmental phases challenge. 26:57 Visit relationshipmaze.com for improving your relationships.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
How self aware are you? Do you know what makes you tick? Self awareness is key to building successful relationships: it helps you to distinguish between yourself and others, to understand why you might have certain perspectives and beliefs and most importantly it is the springboard to making changes in your life if necessary.In today's episodes we explore why knowing yourself is so important and how you might go about getting yourself a little better. We offer some suggestions that can get you started on your journey to self awareness and self knowledge.
The ancient Greek philosopher Socrates famously stated that the unexamined life is not worth living. Socrates was referring to the idea of living a life where you are ruled by others, have no questions about your life and its purpose and where you don't know who you are. Not knowing yourself means that you are more likely to repeat the same old behaviours again and again - even if they don't necessarily serve you well. In a life examined you search for reasons, know who you are and what you want. And you work at improving yourself and your choices in life.
In this podcast we are referring to the kind of self knowledge that allows you to gain more insight into your internal life, for example into your beliefs, your values or your needs and wants. You are likely to chose a partner based on your particular ideas of the other person. You follow (often unhelpful) relationship templates that were acquired over a long period of time. Some of your ways of thinking and behaving in relationships you may be aware of, others may take much longer to uncover. Knowing yourself is, of course, a complex and ongoing process and there is always an element of unchartered territory when it comes to your unconscious motivations.
Not knowing yourself very well may at times lead to the puzzling question of why you encounter a problem again and again. For example, you may avoid conflict at all costs. Enquiring into the underlying causes of this avoidance may not resolve the issue immediately but will make a good starting point for gaining more understanding and trying out new ways of dealing with people that will make you feel less frustrated in the long run.
You can only really get to know the other person in front of you if you have an understanding of yourself first. Once you can gain an understanding of how you map the world, and how your partner maps the world you can work on creating a joint map of the world with some overlapping territory.
Getting to know yourself allows you to identify your ways of thinking, feeling and behaving and to assess whether some of these ways may need to be modified.
The good news is that our brains are rather flexible. We can always learn something new a
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Are you aware of the way that you give and receive love? Are you confident in your way of loving? And do you notice your emotions, thoughts and behaviours when loving someone else?In today's episode we consider where our notions of love come from. We all tell ourselves stories about love which inform our expectations, hopes and desires. These stories are told by our parents, friends, teachers, writers, singers or actors in romantic films. We have lofty ideas and ideals about romantic love. Often there is a big gap between our ideals and our reality. Coming to terms with the reality of how we are being loved can be painful.The way that we love is influenced by our experiences - we learn templates of how to go about loving someone else and being loved. Our attachment style informs our love template: if we have an insecure attachment style we often struggle to form trusting relationships.The way that we love changes in the course of a relationship as projections give way to seeing the real person in front of us. And the way that we learned to love is changeable. We can choose to think and behave differently if our way of loving does not serve us well.
There is no one single definition of what love is. There have been many different attempts to define love, for example from an evolutionary, cultural, sociological or spiritual perspective. For the purposes of our discussion today we consider love to be
a set of feelings and emotions
a number of physiological reactions in the body
a number of cognitive processes
a set of behaviours
We learn about love through a number of experiences and narratives. We witness expressions of love (or lack thereof) when growing up, either through being at the receiving end of love or through watching those closest to us interact in a loving way. Ideas about love also come about through stories that we hear - mostly through fairy tales or myths that introduce us to ways of finding ever lasting love. We watch romantic films or listen to songs that tell us what love should look or feel like.
There are many different forms of love - romantic love is just one form of love. (see also our podcast on the ancient Greeks definition of love: What the Greeks can teach us about relationships - seven types of love)
We have ideals about an experience of love that we strive for. Love should be all encompassing, passionate or should make us happy. We have an idea about how we give love or want to receive it. Often our experience of receiving love may not match our ideal. We may have to reflect on our expectations of love and whether there is room for some adjustments.
The way that we love is determined by our attachment style. Those with an insecure attachment style, either anxio
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Why you behave the way you do - interview with Dr Sarah Hill
Do you ever wonder why you behave the way you do in different situations? Do you get into stuck patterns - repeating the same behaviour even if it doesn't serve you well?Whether we realise it or not, we are all influenced by our past experiences. Our early memories influence how we show up, how we interact with other people and what triggers the way we react.Exploring these childhood stories that underpin our behaviour can help us develop greater understanding about ourselves. Regaining command of these stories can be a major act of transformation.In this episode I'm talking with Dr Sarah Hill, Managing Partner at Dialogix and author of 'Where Did You Learn To Behave Like That? A Coaching Guide For Working With Leaders'. Sarah explores how behavioural changes can be made and how you expand your repertoire and range of behaviour.
Dr. Sarah Hill, PhD is Co-owner of Dialogix and is based in the UK. Her early career in a range of different sectors formed the basis for the work she does today as a Dialogue Facilitator and Behavioural Dynamics Interventionist. The focus of this work is on tackling some of the toughest and most demanding behavioural challenges. She has also led the design and development of training in this field that is accredited by the International Coaching Federation. Through her experience as a supervisor of coaches and practitioners she has been described as the “consultant’s consultant“.
Sarah is Author of ‘Where Did You Learn To Behave Like That? A Coaching Guide for Working With Leaders’ and ‘Dare to….’, which is a companion journal to the book. Working globally, she is an internationally recognised expert in childhood story work with leaders providing a way for them to do deeper work on the Self. She is also co-Author of ‘The Tao of Dialogue’, which was published in 2019, has taught at the Said Business School, Henley Business School, Harvard Business School and Hult-Ashridge.
In this podcast episode Sarah discusses various ways in which we behave in particular situations, e.g. someone who is not at the centre of group discussions, watching from the outside but not participating - a bystander. You can become a stuck bystander and become silent. A deeper exploration looks at where this behaviour comes from. What's the story behind this behaviour? For example where you told only to speak when spoken to? What is your internal narrative and is this still serving you well now?
A lot of old stories are quite harsh- you might be telling yourself for example that you should never challenge other people even if they do you harm.
We can rewrite our internal narrative(s) and we can live a new narrative, for example we can change the old narrative of 'I am not good enough' to
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
It's not about winning - understanding your conflict style to manage arguments more effectively
In this episode we discuss the underlying reasons for getting into arguments, how you may experience the argument, your conflict style and what can be done to argue more effectively with your partner or others.What do you you consider to be an argument? Is is when someone shout at you or do you think you are in conflict if the other person has a different opinion? The way we view and interact in arguments is down to our previous learning about conflict, either in our family of origin, with friends or at school. We learn how to argue and how not to argue. Sometimes our strategies serve us well, often there are better ways of going about resolving differences.In this episode we talk about factors that contribute to one or the other partner initiating an argument and your different conflict styles. For example did you learn to appease others or to strike first pre-emptively?There are useful rules to bear in mind when wanting to resolve your differences in a way that makes both of you feel heard and understood.
In this episode we discuss the underlying reasons for getting into arguments, how you may experience the argument, your conflict style and what can be done to argue more effectively with your partner or others.
What do you you consider to be an argument? Is is when someone shout at you or do you think you are in conflict if the other person has a different opinion? The way we view and interact in arguments is down to our previous learning about conflict, either in our family of origin, with friends or at school. We learn how to argue and how not to argue. Sometimes our strategies serve us well, often there are better ways of going about resolving differences.
In this episode we talk about factors that contribute to one or the other partner initiating an argument and your different conflict styles. For example did you learn to appease others or to strike first pre-emptively?
There are useful rules to bear in mind when wanting to resolve your differences in a way that makes both of you feel heard and understood.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Anxiety and worry - how it affects you and your relationships
Do you or your partner often worry about lots of things to the extent that it significantly impacts your life? Does anxiety affect your relationships? In today's episode we talk about generalised anxiety: what it is, how it manifests, what might have caused it, how different therapeutic approaches think of and address anxiety and what might be done about it.We briefly consider the impact of anxiety on your relationship system and we end the session with a breathing and visualisation exercise that you can practice to bring your anxiety down.
We all feel anxious some of the time. Anxiety is our inbuilt warning system that helps us to look out for danger and to keep as safe.
Often the threat is a perceived one rather than a real threat. We talk about anxiety in the clinical sense if the anxiety is long, enduring and significantly impacts on a person's life.
Anxiety can take many forms and can focus on a specific area of concern for example in the case of of (social) phobia or obsessive-compulsive disorder. Panic disorders are a condition where anxiety manifests in a sudden and unexpected panic attack followed by a month or more of persistent concern about another attack.
While there are many different forms and manifestations of anxiety, the clinical definition of Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) stipulates that a person has excessive and persistent worry about a number of different events and difficulty in controlling these worries. Events are often over evaluated in relation to their likely impact and the intensity of worry is out of proportion compared to the likely impact of the feared event.
Because our body tricks us into thinking that we are under threat, it starts to mobilise for running away. Therefore physical symptoms of anxiety may include the following:
heart palpitations
dizziness or light-headedness
faster breathing
sweating or hot flushes
churning in your stomach and/or a need to go to the toilet (emptying our bladder or stomach helps us run faster!)
feeling restless and unable to sit still
pins and needles
Anxiety is not just felt in the body is is also is accompanied by thoughts that impact on your mind and your mood:
thinking that the worst is going to happen to you
feeling that the world is speeding up or slowing down
having a sense of dread
thinking that other people will notice your anxiety
thinking that you cannot relax
worrying about the anxiety itself, 'I know, I am going to be anxious' - the fear or the fear
feeling low and depressed
only being able to think about bad things and situations
not being able to stop thi
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Could this be the one? Or just the next one? - How to date the right person for you
In today's episode we consider how you know whether you are dating the right kind of partner for you. Dating can be a very challenging. You might have dated for quite some time already, met a number of people or are still waiting for the 'the one'. We consider how you might want to go about dating and what signs to look out for that tell you that you have met someone who you can potentially build a relationship with. We ask you to consider your current strategies and whether you regard them as successful. If they are not successful, what do you think needs changing in your approach?
Choosing the right partner can be challenging. Are you always aware of the kind of qualities that you are looking for in a partner? Love and care are expressed in many different way; it's helpful to know what qualities you need in a partner that make you feel looked after and loved.
Many people hold the strong belief, fed by Hollywood romances, that there is one right person out there for them. If they meet this person, they will be happy. The challenge with this concept is that it turns dating into a needle of haystack kind of experience. You will need to endlessly sift through hundreds of people until you meet the person destined for you. The truth is that there are many people who are right for you. It helps to be open to the possibility that the person in front of you may be the right person. You will need to decide to frame your encounters as such and you will need to work at creating the relationship that you want. You can grow to become each other's soulmates. You choose who you want to be 'the one'.
There does need to be some form of attraction, however, it helps not to make the idea of immediate fireworks your main criterion. Get to know the other person first to get some sense of who you have in front of you. This may ignite a spark at a later stage too.
In the world of online dating you have endless choices which may get too overwhelming. Focus on dating 5-7 people and get to know them better. Getting too fixated on just one person limits your options; conversely, endlessly dating, always looking for a better option, stops opportunities in their tracks.
Understanding relationships starts with you. Consider what you actually need from a relationship and whether the person you are dating is meeting these needs. Are they making you feel good about yourself? If the answer is 'no' and you feel insecure and unsure in the presence of this person than consider whether they are actually right for you. Ultimately you want to be in a relationship where you are respected, listened to, cared for and where you are having fun too.
Knowing your attachment style is hugely helpful to understand your responses to other people. Do you need lots of reassuranc
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
I just called to say I love you - How to speak your partner's love language
How do you know that you are loved? Do you need your partner to tell you that you are loved or do you prefer to receive a box of finely crafted chocolates? Are you aware of your partner's preferred way of receiving your love?Today we talk about the 5 love languages described by Dr Chapman in his bestselling book of the same title: words of affirmation, receiving gifts, physical touch, quality time and acts of service.All of these 'languages' are means of expressing our love. You and your partner may not speak the same language and therefore may miscommunicate. What you experience as an act of love may not be in the same way by your partner.
How do you know that you are loved? Do you need your partner to tell you that you are loved or do you prefer to receive a box of finely crafted chocolates? Are you aware of your partner's preferred way of receiving your love?
Today we talk about the 5 love languages described by Dr Chapman in his bestselling book of the same title: words of affirmation, receiving gifts, physical touch, quality time and acts of service.
All of these 'languages' are means of expressing our love. You and your partner may not speak the same language and therefore may miscommunicate. What you experience as an act of love may not be in the same way by your partner.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Challenges that prevent you from exiting an abusive relationship
In today's episode we discuss the some of the underlying relationship dynamics that contribute to making it very difficult for an abused partner to leave the relationship. The reasons for someone to stay in an abusive relationship are complex and manifold. In this episode we explore how an understanding of attachment theory can help to understand why an abused partner struggles to leave their abuser behind. Insecurely attached adults have an internalised notion of themselves as being somehow responsible for the lack of love and fair treatment from their partner. They don't consciously choose to be abused but they enable the abusive partner, who is also insecurely attached. Abused partners often have attachment wounds that makes it more difficult for them to set boundaries or to assert themselves.In addition to looking at the impact of insecure attachment we also discuss another important factor that explains why people stay in abusive relationships: the traumatic bond that acts as the 'superglue' between abuser and abused partner. When we are feeling threatened we all have a natural tendency to run towards the person who is closest to us- even if that person is responsible for the very threat in the first place.
There is often surprise and lack of understanding for individuals who are staying in relationships where they are at the receiving end of abuse. Abuse in this context can take many forms, for example being controlled by the partner, belittled, shouted down or physically assaulted. Friends may repeatedly suggest to the abused partner to leave the relationship; they may then get frustrated with the abused friend if the advice is not acted on.
Attachment theory offers a useful explanation for the dynamics in abusive relationships. Attachment theory was developed by John Bowlby to describe human beings’ strong need to develop close relationships and to attach to particular others in their life. Bowlby described attachment as an innate behavioural system that promotes the survival of human beings. He observed different behaviour patterns in babies when they were under threat as well as the responses by the babies’ primary caregivers. Infants whose caregivers respond to their distress are soothed and develop an understanding of the world that others are there to make them feel safe and secure in the world. Infants whose caregivers regularly ignore their distress will either crank up their crying until there finally is a response or they will give up. In both instances, these infants will develop a very insecure sense of themselves in the world. Insecure attachment finds expression either through an anxious preoccupation with getting attention from the caregiver or an avoidant dismissive stance of not needing any attention at all.
In 1987 Hazan
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Let’s talk about you and me - Effective communication in relationships
In today's episode we are talking about effective, verbal communication in relationships. While there are many ways of expressing love and care most relationship experts would agree that talking effectively to each other is crucial in any form of relationship. We discuss how to set the scene for effective communication, how not to communicate and what you will need to address when communicating effectively. Learning to listen to your partner and expressing what you are experiencing are the key blocks of any form of communication.
We are always communicating with our partner - be it through words or gestures. Even when we are purposefully not communicating, we are sending a message across that we are frustrated, angry, punishing etc. Talking to your partner is important. It's not the only way of building a good relationship; doing things together that you enjoy are also important. There are many ways of staying connected. In this episode our focus is on verbal communication.
How to communicate Make time for each other to listen and express regularly. Establish clear rules for talking to each other if there is conflict. If there is a difficulty you want to address make sure that
you bring up the concern as soon as possible
your partner is ready to receive you, i.e. not distracted by sending off another work email
you bring up one concern at a time - don't overwhelm your partner with a shopping list of complaints
don't bring up the past by saying 'you always', 'you never', '5 years ago...' - stick with the present
you don't use blaming language. Start by letting your partner know what you are experiencing. Use 'I feel...' statements.
How not to communicate Avoid the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse - attitudes and behaviours that research of the John Gottman Institute found particularly undermining in relationships:
Criticism - attacking your partner regularly. Not critiquing or expressing your frustration but having a go with at your partner with all round attacks such as 'why are you always so...', 'you're the type of person..., 'you never...'
Contempt - putting your partner down and being mean with the intention to insult and hurt. Feeling morally superior. This is the single most predictor of relationships heading for separation.
Defensiveness - usually happens in response to criticism. Seeing yourself as the victim who is under attack. Denying any form of responsibility.
Stonewalling - often in response to contempt. Withdrawing completely from the co
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Ain't No Sunshine Anymore - 9 of the biggest relationship problems
In this episode, we're exploring nine of the most commonly rated relationship issues that people experience and the steps you can take to address these issues. You may experience one or more of these issues at different times in your relationship. We'll explore these issues and also strategies to help you overcome them.
The biggest challenges people tend to face in relationships that we discuss in this episode are:
1. Lack of effort/Taking the partner for granted: your enthusiasm for your partner has faded over a period of time, other demands take over and you have become more distant from each other. You don't regularly check in with each other and there is a lack of communication.
2. Emotional Fusion: You are too enmeshed with each other and struggle to have a sense of separateness and independence in your relationship.
3. Stress: one or both of you are struggling with the demands of work, childcare or other chores that need doing. You are each wrapped up in trying to manage this stress and lack capacity to focus on the needs of your partner and/or the relationship.
4. Overwhelmed by partner's demands: you may struggle to meet your partner's demands and experience them as too critical. You feel that your partner is constantly nagging and/or requiring too much attention.
5. Parenting related issues: you may struggle to adjust to the new reality of becoming first time parents and the associated tasks. Or you may have different ideas to do with parenting, e.g. with regards to discipline or education.
6. Sexual desire/physical contact: you may have different ideas about the frequency or nature of your sexual and physical intimacy. One of you may want more, the other less sexual/physical contact.
7. Wider family relationships: you may struggle with your partner's relationship with parents or siblings. There may be a sense that their influence is not a positive one and you may not like them very much. Conversely you may find it difficult that your partner does not like your family. There may be too much or too little contact.
8. Addiction problems: one or both partners struggle with addictions issues, e.g. alcohol, drugs or porn addiction. In addition to the dependency of the partner with the addiction issue, there is often a need to consider co-dependency related issues of the other partner.
9. Infidelity: one or both partners is having an affair. Unless there is an agreement by both partners that it's ok to not be monogamous, infidelity seriously shakes up a relationship and often leads to separation. It is considered a serious boundary violation. Infidelity can be survived by the couple but requires careful consideration.
We've recently been told we are one of the top relationship po
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Navigating Dating Challenges: The Issue of Ghosting and Early Rejection in Online Dating
Welcome to another insightful episode of The Relationship Maze. In today's episode Tom and Angela dive into the challenges of online dating, particularly the phenomenon of ghosting. They discuss the impact of being ghosted, potential reasons for ghosting, and offer valuable insights into maintaining a positive attitude and healthy mindset when navigating the complexities of modern dating. Tune in to gain a deeper understanding of how to approach early stages of dating and learn strategies for building fulfilling relationships in the digital age.
00:00 Challenges of online dating addressed in podcast. 03:54 Traditional dating relied on personal connections, trust. 09:42 Overwhelmed with choice due to restaurant abundance. 11:10 Early dating involves projecting rather than knowing. 13:36 Early red flags signal potential relationship issues. 18:45 Building connections takes time for genuine attraction. 22:17 Online dating takes time and patience. 24:27 Take time, attraction can develop, respect yourself.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
Social anxiety can be a problem for most people at some point in their lives.When it comes to dating, social anxiety can be the biggest hurdle to overcome when you are trying to find a relationship. Social anxiety makes even creating a dating profile, let alone meeting someone nerve wracking.In relationships, social anxiety can cause problems when one person finds social situations awkward and can disrupt an otherwise good relationship. So in this episode we are exploring social anxiety and some ways to help solve it.
Social anxiety can be one of the biggest problems for anyone wanting to find or develop a fulfilling relationship. Dating and relationships involve interacting with other people, so feeling more comfortable in social situations is crucial.
In this episode I am talking about 2 different ways that anxiety is created - via the cortex or via the amygdala, and what this means to dealing with anxiety.
Some ways discussed to help with social anxiety include ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) and mindfulness.
singles who want to prepare for a long lasting relationship and find the right partner
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
What the Greeks can teach us about relationships - seven types of love
In this episode, we are exploring the seven different concepts of love described by the ancient Greeks. We often think about love in the context of romance, but there are many types of love including the love you have for a friend or family member, love in the sense of loyalty, passionate love and self love.The seven terms for love used by the ancient Greeks can help us gain deeper insight into love and relationships and explore areas to develop to experience richer love and relationships in our lives.
The 7 concepts the ancient Greeks used for love can give us a fascinating insight into our own relationships and how to develop more love in our lives. They are:
Eros: romantic, passionate love.
Philia: intimate, authentic friendship.
Ludus: playful, flirtatious love.
Storge: unconditional, familial love.
Philautia: self-love.
Pragma: committed, companionate love.
Agápe: empathetic, universal love.
We explore relationships in more detail in our comprehensive, online course The Relationship Maze, where you learn all there is to learn about relationships.
We regularly add new resources including the following:
FREE 10 day Relationship Challenge
Attachment Style quiz
Articles on relationships
Our comprehensive Relationship Course for
new or established couples
couples in conflict
couples preparing for marriage
couples who want to strengthen their relationship
singles who want to prepare for a long lasting relationship and find the right partner
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.
The mind, nutrition & weight loss - talk with Lowri Turner
In this episode, I'm talking with Lowri Turner. If you have ever tried to lose weight, or been on crash diets and ended up putting on more weight than before, then this episode will help you understand about effective and long lasting ways to sustain weight loss.Weight loss is difficult or impossible to maintain purely through restrictive dieting. Having a balanced approach combining proper nutrition and also working with the mind to find strategies and approaches to change our relationship with food is essential for long term results.Lowri turner is a nutritionist and hypnotherapist who specialises in weight loss. Tune in for a fascinating exploration about achieving the weight loss you want.
Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training. Tom's website Angela's website
Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.