Reconciliation between parents and no-contact adult children can be thought of as a phase of estrangement.
That means that for many parents, reconciliation will be disappointing – at least for a while. 
Things aren’t back to normal. Conversation doesn’t flow. You might still feel estranged, even though there’s contact.
What’s going on?
In this episode, Tina normalizes some of the disappointing and frustrating aspects of reconciliation. She explains that it’s nobody’s fault, and that it may require continued personal and interpersonal development. 
If your adult child’s behavior seems unpredictable even though they’re supposed to be reconciled, it doesn’t mean the process has stalled. It may simply mean that it’s getting under way.

EPISODE RESOURCES:
Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 164: Emotional Safety
Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 171: Understanding Ambivalence
Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 144: What’s Your Strategy?
Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 97: Road Map to Reconnection (Part 1)

For more information on why adult children become estranged (or "go no-contact") and what parents can do about it, read Tina Gilbertson's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.

Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.

Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

TRANSCRIPT:

These are uncertain times for those of us who create and freely share content via the Internet.

I mentioned on the podcast earlier this year that I needed some time to assess the impact of all the changes happening in the world of digital information, including the widespread, unregulated use of AI.

At that time, I removed the show from a couple of the larger platforms, and stopped releasing new episodes to those platforms. Unfortunately, many smaller platforms were also affected. And that’s made it a lot harder for the show to be found by new listeners, which is a dilemma I’m still wrestling with. 

Because it’s become clear that even more changes are necessary to protect the integrity of this podcast, even while making sure that you, the listener, can still access it.

So here’s the current plan. 

Starting with Episode 177, which will be released on July 29th, 2024, new episodes will appear in more places, but with certain exceptions, they will expire when the next episode is released.

And beginning immediately, I’m going to start expiring some of the older episodes – again, with certain exceptions.

Namely, the following: 

- If you’re used to listening to the videos on our YouTube channel, or ...

- If you listen on the Reconnection Club website...

Nothing will change for you.

There will be no expiration and you can disregard this entire announcement. (Again, that is if you listen on either our YouTube channel, or our website.)

However, if you use a podcast player app like iHeartRadio or Pocket Casts, then new episodes starting with 177 will typically be available for only two weeks, and then they will expire. 

There are ways to get around that two-week time limit. Within those first two weeks, you should still be able to download episodes and keep them for however long you want, depending on the app. Please check on that directly with your app. I don’t have that information.

But if you ever lose an episode or can’t find one that you’re looking for, remember you can always find every single episode, old and new, on the Reconnection Club website, at reconnectionclub.com/podcast, or by episode number, for example, "reconnectionclub.com/130" for Episode 130. Or, subscribe to our YouTube channel for free and listen there.

I know that episode expiration will not be a welcome change, and I thank you for your understanding and patience as I try to strike a balance between limiting unauthorized access by AI, and preserving your access to the podcast as a listener. 

I also thank you for sharing the Reconnection Club Podcast with other parents experiencing unwanted estrangement from their adult children. 

Thank you for your continued support in these challenging times. 

Parents of estranged adult children often get no response to messages they send.
With every lack of response, parents become more and more discouraged. They take their child’s silence as continued rejection, and they start to feel powerless.
While it’s true that adult children often don’t respond if they don’t like the message, there are other reasons why they might not reply, even if the messages lands well.
In this inspiring episode, Tina suggests that getting a response shouldn’t be considered the only measure of success. As long as they know their messages are helping to restore the relationship, parents can feel good about what they send.
If you’re thinking of offering an apology, or if you’ve sent apologies in the past without apparent effect, make sure you know the elements of an effective apology.
(Go to https://reconnectionclub.com/87 for a link to Lesson 1 of the Reconnection Club apology course.)
That’s just one example of how parents can educate themselves to become confident in what they’re sending to their estranged adult children.
Make sure everything you send during an estrangement is both heartfelt and on target.

If you’ve been in the Reconnection Club environment long enough, you’re probably on board with the idea of taking your estranged adult child’s point of view.
You want to be supportive, to validate his thoughts and feelings, while you work on repairing the relationship.
But how do you do that in the face of poor behavior, without feeling like a doormat?
In this week’s show, Tina looks at 3 scenarios where parents are vulnerable to feeling like doormats:
- Your adult child only contacts you when she needs something, then disappears again.
- Your child uses foul language when he speaks to you, but you don’t want to complain and risk losing contact.
- You send invitations and wait for responses that never come, so you never know whether to set another place at the table.
With these examples in mind, learn how to strike a balance between being supportive and being walked on.

Many parents rejected by an adult child are committed to working toward a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. But they recognize that even if they work very hard and do everything right, reconciliation can take more time than they’d like.
Some estranged adult children simply need more time before they’re ready to try again. They may be too busy or too anxious right now to take the relationship off the back burner and re-engage.
This leaves parents with nothing to do but wait.
Or does it?
For unwillingly estranged parents, waiting should not be a passive enterprise. If you’re waiting to hear from your child, don’t waste valuable time. You could be preparing right now for a better outcome in the future.
In this episode, Tina explains why parents should spend their “waiting” time constructively and offers specific suggestions for things you can do.
You’ll be lucky if you have the time to do the recommended homework before your child comes back. If you do, it will make all the difference in a successful reconciliation.
Members can discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club.
Not a member yet? Learn more and join.
Check out Tina’s book, Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child

You’d be surprised how many estranged adult children come from close families.
It’s a myth that parents must have been toxic and abusive for adult children to seek estrangement. Sometimes the very closeness that characterizes a family is what underlies the adult child’s need for distance.
But how can that be? Aren’t close families good for children?
Yes, close families are wonderful environments for children to grow up in. But not every family is close in the right way for children to thrive.
In this episode, Tina distinguishes between closeness and enmeshment.
While closeness is healthy and feels good for everyone involved, enmeshment pumps the brakes on individuality and autonomy, especially in children.
The closeness that parents enjoy in enmeshed families may be experienced by children as control or benign oppression.
As always, Tina offers hope for parents to turn things around.

How can they do this? Is it really okay with them? Are they happy?
Research suggests answers to these questions, and Tina shares the information in this informative episode.

Estrangement from your adult child may or may not include verbal assaults from him or her, featuring foul language.
If you’re faced with this kind of behavior, given the current estrangement, what’s the best way to respond? You don’t want to push your child further away. But does that mean you have to tolerate whatever language they may fling at you in a text?
In this episode, Tina offers a 2-part response for parents. Her approach takes into account both your family’s communication history and the importance of healthy boundaries, even during estrangement.
Don’t continue to put up with rude behavior. Know where your limits are, and calmly assert them. Do this with your child, your spouse or partner, other family members and friends.
Setting boundaries, if you do it in the spirit of building better relationships, will not damage your bond with your adult children. Use the examples given in this episode to set your own boundaries around the disrespectful use of foul language.
In the spirit of picking your battles, Tina also offers an opinion regarding your adult child’s use of “snarky tones” with you.

Estrangement doesn’t happen on a whim. If your adult child has cut ties with you at the moment, he has reasons that make sense to him, and that are probably long-standing.
In order for the estrangement to end, those reasons usually need to be addressed and neutralized.
Many parents rejected by their adult children are in such a hurry to end the estrangement that they don’t take sufficient time to investigate the “why” of what happened. They miss opportunities to understand and correct missteps that led to problems in the first place.
Even if they search high and low for the cause of their children’s behavior, parents as a group tend to look in the wrong places for the causes of estrangement.
In this informative episode, Tina helps parents slow down and focus their efforts where they’ll be most fruitful. If you can pinpoint the real cause(s) of your adult child’s desire for distance, you can start building a better experience for both of you in the future.

Mothers and daughters have the potential for a very close, lifelong relationship. But not every mother-daughter pair enjoys a harmonious, supportive bond.
You may have seen your friends get together with their grown daughters, and watched them with envy. Your daughter, in contrast, has become estranged. How did this happen, and why?
If the mother-daughter bond is supposed to be so close, why do so many mothers and daughters become estranged?
Mother-daughter relationship coach Rosjke Hasseldine has some important thoughts on that question, and she shares them in this episode.
Listen to an excerpt from Tina’s interview with Rosjke, who is also the author of The Mother-Daughter Puzzle and The Silent Female Scream.
In this excerpt you’ll hear Rosjke discussing the roots of conflict between mothers and daughters – what often goes wrong in this very special relationship, and why the problem extends beyond just you and your daughter.

It’s common for rejected parents who are unwillingly estranged from an adult child to feel utterly powerless. And that's a horrible feeling in the face of a breach in an important relationship.
But there are three specific assumptions parents make that leave them truly powerless. These insidious assumptions are:
Your child’s estrangement is entirely about something that happened in the past,
Someone else is controlling (or has brainwashed) your child, and
Your child has a personality disorder that’s making him act this way.
Each of these assumptions in the parent says, in effect, “This estrangement in entirely beyond my control.”
Only when parents give up any hope of having a positive impact on their troubled relationship, are they truly powerless to heal estrangement from their adult children.
The other episode mentioned on this show was Episode #62, Personality Disorders and Estrangement.

It’s the festive season – always a complicated time for people experiencing estrangement from family.
The holidays are full of friendship, gift-giving, celebrating and creating memories. But for parents rejected by one or more of their adult children, it can feel wrong to participate.
Having a good time feels … unseemly. How can parents enjoy themselves when such an important relationship is in trouble? Don’t they miss their children? Don’t they love them?
In this episode, Tina suggests that it’s not only okay, but healthy and important, for rejected parents to enjoy themselves during estrangement.
The holidays are a good time to practice this. But throughout the year, if you’re too sad to participate in good times and creating happy memories with others, you’re adding to your pain and loss.
According to Tina, you deserve better. She outlines three typical reasons why parents find it hard to let loose, and counters them with common sense and compassion.
This inspiring episode will give you permission to go ahead and enjoy yourself this holiday season, and beyond.

There are many more episodes to come! To find ALL episodes of the Reconnection Club Podcast, go to Reconnectionclub.com/podcast.

Your adult child, who’s always been such an empathetic soul, has ruthlessly cut you off.
How can such an empathetic person have no empathy for the parents who raised him? Doesn’t he care that he’s hurting you?
It seems like a mystery.
The problem of empathy is that it can’t coexist with estrangement. To be empathetic, you have to stop being estranged.
But if contact is painful for you, then it’s a win-lose situation. Either the parent “wins” because the child is back in contact, or the child “wins” the prize of the distance she desired.
In either case, someone loses.
Tina explains this painful dilemma in this interesting episode.

It’s painful when estranged adult children don’t respond to invitations at the holidays. At this time of year, even a video chat would be meaningful in lieu of a family gathering.

If you’ve issued an invitation and not heard back, you have plenty of company. It’s frustrating and hurtful. Why do they do it?

In this episode of the podcast, Tina suggests three reasons why an otherwise polite adult child might fail to respond to invitations during estrangement.

If you haven’t already sent one out, Tina recommends not issuing invitations to estranged adult child. However, she does give two exceptions to this general rule.

When you go in for a vaccination, the nurse might tell you to relax just before he gives you the needle.
Obviously, relaxing is not natural in a situation like this. And yet resisting the needle creates tension, and may even make the shot more painful.
Resistance is not only futile, it often creates more pain than does acceptance. Thus, acceptance of a painful process can actually make it less painful than resistance.
There’s a lesson here for parents of estranged adult children. They naturally resist silence, the inherent rejection, and the estrangement itself.
Importantly, parents also resist their estranged adult children’s versions of the relationship. They defend themselves against unfair or inaccurate depictions of themselves as parents and as people. And while this is natural, it may not be the best response to estrangement.
Nor is it the best response to any unwanted situation.
In this episode, Tina urges you to embrace the current reality of estrangement from your child, in order to find peace and freedom in an otherwise losing battle with reality. She explains why acceptance doesn’t mean giving up.

For more on handling estrangement from your adult child, see Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child: Practical Tips and Tools to Heal Your Relationship.

It’s not unusual at all for an adult child to cut off parents after getting into therapy. And the cut-off may extend to other family members and even old friends.
When this happens, it’s tempting to blame it on therapy. Your child was fine and so was your relationship, until he went into counseling.
If it seems your child has been brainwashed by a counselor or therapist and that’s why she’s become estranged from family, that’s understandable. But there are underlying assumptions there that might simply not be true.
One is that your child’s therapist is not an ethical professional. And another is that estrangement is not your child’s own idea.
Both of these are statistically questionable, as Tina points out in this informative episode.

Will your estranged child send you birthday wishes this year? Should you celebrate your child’s birthday even though she’s not currently speaking to you?

How do you survive not only your own birthday without them, but theirs?

Estrangement doesn’t respect birthdays. In many or perhaps most cases, you’ll be disappointed if you expect your child to contact you on your birthday, or answer a text from you on theirs.

For tips on whether to send something on your child’s birthday, listen to Episode 33.

This episode (#59) is all about how to survive the day well, and even have a good and meaningful birthday, while you’re estranged.

The key is to take responsibility for your own experience, and plan ahead.

One of the hardest things about being estranged from your adult child is the feeling of rejection that often accompanies the enforced separation.
It’s not easy to live with the pain of rejection day after day. So in this episode, Tina offers five specific ways to cope constructively.
You won’t want to miss this show if the sense of rejection is getting to you.One of the hardest things about being estranged from your adult child is the feeling of rejection that often accompanies the enforced separation.
It’s not easy to live with the pain of rejection day after day. So in this episode, Tina offers five specific ways to cope constructively.
You won’t want to miss this show if the sense of rejection is getting to you.

Reconciling with your estranged adult child may be the brass ring, but once you attain it, you find that another phase of estrangement has just begun.

Reconciliation is a process, not an event. It can be a phase that lasts quite a long time. It’s challenging. It’s confusing.

That’s why Tina created this episode. In it she shares a few simple truths about the marathon of reconciliation – things to keep in mind during the process.

If you’re feeling uncomfortable around your child,

If your child seems to be testing you with her behavior,

These could simply be aspects of a natural process unfolding.

As always, Tina advises the judicious and continuing use of apologies to smooth the rough edges of interactions. But it’s also possible to overdo it, and in this episode, she offers a word of caution about that.

If possible, she says, once you’ve educated yourself about the process, try to hold it loosely. You don’t have to be perfect, just do your best.

Not every parent estranged from an adult has received a request for no contact. If you have, then the most appropriate response might be to acknowledge the request and take a step back for a while. But if your adult child just seems less interested in the relationship and won’t tell you why, or hasn’t indicated that you shouldn’t reach out now and then, you can engage in thoughtful contact without making the estrangement worse, by applying some of Tina’s 10 rules of thumb for communicating with estranged adult children.

Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list

Estranged adult children often fail to return texts. This is true even if parents are requesting a simple,  one-word answer.

Why do otherwise kind and polite young people refuse to offer their parents the courtesy of a brief reply?

It turns out that a text is not just a text. It represents your relationship, and reflects what’s going on at the moment.

Tina explains why asking for a return text is actually asking for more than just time. The whole process of communication is fraught with complex dynamics, especially when relations are strained to begin with.

After listening to this episode, you may be able to give your confused brain a rest from trying to solve this head-scratching puzzle.

Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.

There’s a special type of pain reserved for parents who still have contact with their adult children, but feel disconnected anyway.

Tina calls this sense of distance “emotional estrangement,” meaning that the distance between you and your child is not physical, but emotional.

This condition can happen following a physical estrangement, or it can constitute the estrangement itself.

In this episode, Tina posits 5 potential sources of emotional estrangement:

1. An elephant in the room
2. Feeling like strangers
3. Hurt feelings
4. Life circumstances
5. Implicit boundary setting

Click on the player below to listen.

Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.

Episodes 97, 98 and 99 form a 3-part series outlining an overall stepwise approach to reconnecting with your estranged adult child.
In the 3rd and final episode of this series, you'll find out why it's important to go through the steps in order, and not to enter Step 3 prematurely.
By the time you get to this last step, you should already have completed 90% of the work of reconnection -- even without your adult child's participation.
Tina cautions that many rejected parents go through the steps backwards, expending energy in fruitless efforts for which they haven't yet built a foundation.
You'll also hear about three different traps that parents can fall into, in trying to repair an estrangement.
Once you've spent constructive time in Steps 1 and 2, you'll be prepared for Step 3, which should be the easiest of the three, if approached in order.

Tina talks through three ideas from How to Win Friends and Influence People that you can begin to implement today.

Use these tips to meet the needs of your estranged adult child and draw them back into connection with you in an honest and generous way.

If you like the idea of attracting your adult child with sincere attempts to meet his or her emotional needs, you’re in the right place with the Reconnection Club.

Learn more at https://reconnectionclub.com/learn-more

For parents estranged from adult children, the concept of independence is often overlooked. But cultivating independence can have a positive impact on a rejected parent’s quality of life. That includes how you handle unwanted estrangement.

“To the world’s best mom...”

If you ever received a note like this from your child, you might be wondering, how on earth did that adoring child become the silent, unyielding estranged adult she is today?

How did you fall so far from grace, without doing anything differently?

Tina suggests there are two main reasons for this seeming discrepancy in your child's feelings.

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

For parents of estranged adult children, this is one of the most practical and powerful tips available to help them in their quest for reconciliation.

While this bit of wisdom didn’t originate with Stephen R. Covey, there’s a very good reason why he made it one of his 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

Seeking first to understand is rocket fuel for relationships. But as Tina points out in this episode, it’s hard to put “seek first to understand” into practice.

Learn how to reconnect with your child by joining the Reconnection Club, an online school and support hub for parents estranged from adult children. Learn more at reconnectionclub.com/learn-more.

In this episode, Tina describes specific problems created during estrangement by the parent’s low self-esteem, and what you can do to improve your self-concept.
She also talks about why adult children become estranged after going into therapy. It may not be why you think it is.

Tina often says that reconciliation is a process, not an event.

In this episode, she discusses specific stages of learning that parents must traverse in order to get to the ultimate prize of permanent reconciliation with their children.

Have you ever sent a text or email to your estranged adult child that you later regretted?

Most rejected parents have done something like this at one time or another. If you haven’t yet, you probably will… unless you listen to this episode.

Estrangement from an adult child is difficult, but when a birthday comes around, it becomes complicated as well. Should you send her a gift? A card? An email? Or nothing at all?

What’s the etiquette for recognizing an estranged child’s birthday?

There’s no rulebook to go by, but common sense suggests that there are two ways to handle birthdays during an estrangement. The first is to respect your child’s request for no contact. This keeps it simple, but what if it doesn’t feel quite right in your case?

You can always dial down the level of what you usually offer. In this episode, Tina describes different ways to dial down typical birthday behavior, such as sending gifts, cards, and money.

She also offers a practical suggestion for handling “big” birthdays (like 30), where it just wouldn’t feel right not to acknowledge such a milestone.

If you’re worried about your child feeling abandoned if he doesn’t hear from you on his birthday, Tina offers a perspective that just might change your mind.

If you’re not already a member of the Reconnection Club, please keep in touch. Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.

It’s bad enough to be estranged from your adult child, but when other relatives stand by and watch without attempting to help, you feel twice burned. Once by the rejection, and again by the abandonment of passive family members.

Why do people who supposedly care about you continue to communicate with an estranged adult child who’s breaking your heart?

Why do they insist on posting pictures of your child on their social media pages, where they know you can see them?

Why do they favor the child with their friendship, instead of standing in solidarity with you?

These are good questions, and they do have answers. For the most part, relatives are not out to hurt you with these types of behaviors.

There’s also some evidence that family members are more uncomfortable than you may realize about being “caught in the middle” (see the link below to a recent study).

In this episode, Tina provides insight into this excruciating situation, along with advice on what to do if you have one or more relatives who are still in contact with your estranged adult child, but don’t appear to be doing anything to help end the estrangement.

Research paper --Taking Sides and Feeling Caught (2019):

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/337165996_Taking_sides_and_feeling_caught_Communicative_complications_for_immediate_family_members_of_estranged_parent-child_dyads

Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.

Inspired by a member's post entitled "To Reach Out or Not?" in the Reconnection Club forums, Tina addresses the question of contact in the shadow of the novel coronavirus.

Members can find the discussion, "To Reach Out or Not?" in the General Discussion forum at reconnectionclub.com.

To learn more about the Reconnection Club, go to reconnectionclub.com/learn-more.

Episodes 97, 98 and 99 form a 3-part series outlining an overall stepwise approach to reconnecting with your estranged adult child.

In the first episode, Tina explains why it's important to slow down and avoid acting impulsively, from a place of desperation.

This foundational episode provides a rationale for Step 1, and then lists specific tasks appropriate for this first phase of responding to your adult child's estrangement.

You'll learn why it's necessary to pay attention to your nervous system, and how best to avoid unnecessary suffering. (According to Buddhism, pain is unavoidable, but suffering is optional.)

Reconnection Club members can find an annotated guide to the Road Map, with links to Tina's favorite resources, inside the Reconnection Club.

“You should get therapy.”
Has your adult child said those words to you? Have they made therapy a condition of continuing the relationship?
Being told to seek therapy is no one’s idea of a compliment. But for parents of estranged adult children, it may be the start of a fantastic voyage into their own inner depths. Not to mention an unexpected portal to a better relationship with themselves and their child(ren).
What does it mean when a child suggests therapy, and what should you do if they say it’s a condition of reconciliation?
Is there anything to be gained if you don’t even want to be there? Should you go to therapy anyway?
In this episode, Tina gives five things to think about if you’re one of the many parents urged to seek therapy by an unhappy adult child.
In the end, any advice your child gives you on the way out the door is worth at least a look. Why? Your child knows you pretty well. And he won’t bother making suggestions unless he cares – at least a little bit – about the outcome.
Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.

There’s no question that estrangement from an adult child is painful for rejected parents. But many parents suffer even more than necessary, because they believe their child is willingly hurting them.
Nobody wants to think of their child as heartless, cruel, mentally ill, easily brainwashed, or any of the other qualities often attributed to people who estrange themselves from family.
Instead, Tina suggests throwing out unsatisfying and inaccurate explanations, and relying instead on the mental model of Hanlon’s Razor:
“Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by neglect.”
Tina puts an estrangement spin on that model to help parents understand and come to better terms with why estrangement happens.
This episode also includes a brief discussion about the difference between estrangement and the silent treatment.

Although estrangement from family isn’t normal for young adults, a normal phase of development can contribute to your child’s need for distance.

In this episode, Tina briefly explains individuation and differentiation, and why these natural processes sometimes require distance from family.

More importantly, she talks about specific steps you can take if you suspect your child’s estrangement is largely or wholly motivated by a developmental phase.

Whether your child is 19 or 39, a phase of development can contribute to a sudden pulling away. That’s why it’s important not to personalize an adult child’s need for space.

Not taking the behavior personally is just one of six tips for parents of young adults who may be going through individuation and differentiation.

Here are Tina’s tips for coping with developmentally-motivated estrangement:

1. Redefine your child’s behavior.
2. Give her the space she’s asking for.
3. Focus on personal development.
4. Assess your social network.
5. Don’t give in to irrational fears.
6. Grieve what you’ve actually lost.

Differentiating between thoughts and feelings is an ongoing task that can take a lifetime to master. Your child isn’t the only one capable of developing new skills. Use the current estrangement as a catalyst to grow as a person. See the link below for help with managing difficult emotions.

Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.

If you’re having trouble in any relationship…
Especially if you’re the parent of an estranged adult child…
You can’t afford NOT to be good at apologies.
We know that people who estrange themselves from family don’t do it to be hurtful. They do it because they feel hurt in those relationships. They’re protecting themselves.
That’s why apologies are sometimes the only communication that can break through a wall of silence. Until they receive an apology, anything else is not that interesting to someone who feels hurt.
In this episode, Tina describes three elements of a good apology. Without all of these being included, your apology to your adult child (or anyone else) may fall flat.
If you’ve ever received the pseudo-apology, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” you know that apologies don’t always melt the ice. That particular version misses the mark in every way.
Find out how to craft a truly effective apology to make repairs and/or progress in any relationship.
And if you’re worried about coming across as insincere, rest assured that it’s impossible to use the elements described in this episode without the apology coming from your heart.
If you like this episode, please don’t be a stranger…
Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.

What’s the difference between estrangement from your biological child vs. an adopted child, particularly when that child is of a different race, or comes from a different country?
Eli Harwood of the PASS Center in Denver, Colorado answers that question for us on today’s episode.
This episode will be of interest to both adoptive and biological parents who want to make sure they’re on the same page with their adult children when they communicate with them.
Tina shares an excerpt from her interview with Eli, who co-founded the PASS center to provide training and counseling around adoption issues for both therapists and adoptive families.
In this excerpt, Eli also talks about:
Why adoption can create a setup for later parent-child estrangement,
Why trying to make things okay for an adopted child of a different race can backfire,
Why love itself might not be enough to create a strong bond with an adopted child,
And what parents can do to try to repair the relationship once their adopted child is an adult.
Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.

Rejected parents sometimes say things like, “My child has made a lot of bad choices. She’s miserable, and according to her, it’s all my fault.”

In other words, the adult child is choosing to blame her parent or parents for her problems.

Treating them like garbage because she feels bad about herself. Turning parents into scapegoats.

Blaming someone else for our problems is common, but we usually blame people who are in some way involved. So if your child has at least average intelligence, why would he blame you for something you’re not involved in? It doesn’t make sense.

Such adult children are certainly expressing anger and disappointment in the parent – there’s no question about that part – but the cause of those feelings may be something a little different than what's often suggested.

This episode explores what might really be going on when a parent seems to be scapegoated by an adult child, and how parents can possibly break through this painful dynamic.

Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.

At last, your child is back in touch! And while it feels wonderful to be close again, you don’t want to say or do the wrong thing.

You instinctively know what the research has shown, which is that estrangements can and do happen over and over again within the same parent-child relationship. And every time your child becomes estranged, you don’t know if this will be the last time.

So you’re walking on eggshells, hyper-aware of your behavior and wondering if you’ll ever calm down about the whole thing.

You may also be dealing with some hurt feelings left over from when your child was rejecting you. And you have to figure out what to do with those feelings, and how not to let them out around your child, in case you accidentally push him away.

Which is why you can’t relax, even though technically you’ve reconciled. 

What you’re experiencing is normal. It’s part of what Tina refers to as the circle of change. It’s a journey from where you started to where eventually you’ll end up. And some parts of it are quite uncomfortable.

In this episode, you’ll learn about the circle of change, and how you’ll eventually get to a more relaxed state with your child if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.

You might seek out an estrangement specialist for therapy, because you want someone with a certain amount of compassion for what you’re going through – probably someone who’s been there.

This is true of most estrangement specialists. Apart from your podcast host, Tina Gilbertson, most professionals who specialize in estrangement coaching are, or have been, involved in their own estrangements.

In this episode, Tina shares both good and bad news. The bad news is that estrangement specialists are exceedingly hard to find, and there probably isn't one near you.

The good news is, you really don’t need a specialist in estrangement, or even someone who’s been there themselves, to get good support.

Research on compassion for distress indicates that people who’ve been there and overcome estrangement may be less, not more, compassionate than people who’ve never experienced what you’re going through. That's counter-intuitive, but apparently true of these folks as a group (not necessarily as individuals).

To find a caring and competent therapist, use the suggestions outlined in the episode,

Links:

https://www.goodtherapy.org/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us

For parents estranged from adult children, it’s not easy getting through the holidays.

This episode contains six survival tips to help see you through a potentially difficult time of year.

One of the ideas mentioned, perhaps not surprisingly, is to volunteer (as long as you’re up for it mentally, emotionally and physically). Not only can helping others boost your mood, but it’s easier than ever to find things to volunteer for in December. See the links below to get started.

Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.

Links:

https://www.volunteermatch.org/

https://www.unitedway.org/get-involved/volunteer#

https://volunteer.ca/index.php?MenuItemID=355

https://www.gov.uk/volunteering

https://www.volunteer.com.au/

The question of how often to reach out to an estranged adult child is probably one of the top concerns of rejected parents. That’s mostly because they’re in a hurry to resolve the situation, which is understandable. They want to know how soon they can try again.

If you’re feeling anxious about when you can or should contact your estranged child, please listen to Episode 1 to get another perspective.

Unfortunately, there’s no formula that every parent can apply when it comes to a schedule of contact. Some should probably step back entirely for a while, others have adult kids who might actually respond to weekly texts, and there's a whole range of conditions in between.

Nevertheless there are several facts that every estranged parent should probably be aware of when thinking about a contact plan.

This episode explains why less is most likely more when it comes to reaching out to your child, especially if he or she has asked for no contact.

We talk a lot about contact schedules inside the Reconnection Club, and there’s a monthly Q&A call where you can ask a question specific to your situation. To learn more about Club membership, visit reconnectionclub.com/learn-more.

This week’s episode begins with an assertion that neither pain nor compassion is a zero-sum commodity.
Estranged adult child are in some ways wounded by the relationship they share with their parents. Most people in this position are in pain over the necessity of estrangement.
Acknowledging that fact, we can still find compassion for the rejected parent who finds himself left behind. It’s usually the case that he did the best he knew how to do, and didn’t mean to hurt his child(ren).
Estrangement involves pain on both sides.
Tina talks about three separate types of parental pain, which she suggests exist at deeper and deeper levels in the parent.
If you’re hurting over the relationship with your adult child or children, this episode is a must-listen.

It's incredibly sad and distressing to be estranged from your adult child or children. Yet a positive attitude can make life more manageable, no matter what’s going on.

Being more positive is good for both mental and physical health. But adopting such an attitude is so much easier said than done, when you're estranged from your own child!

You can’t feel more positive just by wanting to. But the good news is, you can adopt particular behaviors that tend to lead to more positive emotions. Behavior is a direct path to motivation and other positive feelings.

In this episode, Tina shares a couple of actions you can put into practice today to stay more positive, even while you’re estranged from your adult daughter or son.

Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.

Whether your adult child lives in the same city as you, 100 miles away, or on the other side of the globe, it’s always possible that you could be faced with sudden, unexpected contact.

What if he calls or texts you out of the blue? What if you bump into her at the farmer’s market? You may be surprised by spontaneous contact, but you don’t need to be unprepared.

This episode offers parents 4 steps to prepare for unforeseen contact with your estranged adult child.

Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our “Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child” checklist.

A good apology is the ultimate relationship repair tool, and a must for anyone estranged against their wishes.

Still, many parents are hesitant to embrace the idea of apologizing to their estranged adult children. I’ve thought a lot about why this is, and have come up with what I call the “Four Horsemen of the Apology.”

These are things that get in the way of parents making use of this incredibly effective tool.

In descending order of severity, the four horsemen are trauma, low self-esteem, fear of vulnerability, and concerns about fairness.

Traumatized parents don’t see an apology as a tool to help them get what they want. They often have difficulty taking perspective, because a traumatized brain is understandably focused on self-preservation. (It’s not safe to step outside your own awareness as long as there’s a threat.)

They also don’t want to take the blame for an estrangement that may remind them painfully of having been abused themselves. The past superimposes itself on the present in painful and destructive ways.

The second horseman is low self-esteem that says, “If I apologize, that means I made a mistake.” And that’s intolerable to someone with injured self-esteem because it seems to confirm their worst fears about themselves.

The third horseman is fear of vulnerability, characterized by the belief, “If I apologize, my apology can be used against me.” I demonstrate in this episode why this is more fear than fact.

The fourth and last thing that makes apologies hard is our universal desire for fairness. It’s trained into us from the time we’re young. It just doesn’t feel fair to apologize when we’re not the ones engaging in hostile or distancing behaviors AND when we tried to do the right thing.

It’s perfectly okay to wish that things were fair. Yet as the person who wants to reconnect, it’s up to you to apologize if you want to try to open the door. Why? Because it might be the only thing that works.

Suggestions for overcoming the four horsemen are offered in this episode.

Working your way back to an adult child when they’ve cut off contact is a time-consuming process. This is maddening, when all you want to do is to reconcile and reconnect as quickly as possible.

But haste makes waste, because being in a hurry almost always means making mistakes. This is true for any important endeavor. Today we discuss 3 common mistakes parents make in reaction to their adult child’s distancing. These are drawn from the “Top 7 Mistakes to Avoid” checklist at reconnectionclub.com, which you can get when you sign up for our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list.

It’s natural to be in a hurry to reconcile, especially because of the mistaken belief that if this isn’t fixed right now, it won’t be fixed at all. It’s a myth that the best (or only) time to reconcile is as quickly as possible. There may be reasons why now is not the best time for you and your child to come back together. Review Episode 1: Time can be your friend. The other myth that sends parents into a tailspin is that estrangements get more entrenched over time. This is not necessarily true and definitely not helpful. The fact is, haste makes waste.

Ignoring a no-contact request, if you’ve received one, is another mistake that’s all too common. It may be difficult to honor that request, but think about how ignoring such a request might come across to your child: It’s as if you’re saying, “I don’t care how you feel or what you want. I want to contact you anyway.” If your child is unhappy with you, your position won’t go over well. In this episode I explain why honoring a no-contact request is not the same as doing nothing.

Acting from emotion is hard to avoid when something so important is at stake. But of course, the more important something is, the better it is to take your time and be intentional about how you handle it. Since emotions aren’t at all intentional, acting from a place of emotional need usually doesn’t serve the estranged parent. Especially when the parent’s needs conflict with those of the adult child. Being strategic doesn’t mean being cold; it just means thinking through your actions and their consequences before taking any steps.

Get the “Top 7 Mistakes to Avoid when Reconnecting with Your Child” checklist at reconnecectionclub.com/mailing-list.