The boys are back with an episode recorded in person! They take a look at Street Fighter (1994) and ask themselves questions about destiny, megalomaniacal dictators, the amount of cocaine done by JCVD and, of course, NFL football? There was a good movie somewhere in here, but poor Steven E. de Souza (Die Hard, Commando) got hemmed in by Jean-Claude Van Damme's insanity. 

This movie is for rent on YouTube, and next week's movie is for rent everywhere... F9! We return to our friends, the Torettos, and the dumbest crew on the face of the earth... and also, off the face of the earth!

The boys are back in town, with Robert Patrick, Alyssa Milano, Alyssa Milano's ex-boyfriend and the Chairman from Iron Chef: America! Nintendecember rolls on with Double Dragon, one of the few movies we do that the actors don't universally hate. In this, we explore if Alyssa Milano is one of the most sadistic villains in movie history, what exactly Bo Abobo is supposed to be, what the different gangs of New Angeles stand for, and the Hollywood sign conspicuously being 10 feet above sea level.

Next time we will take on Street Fighter! 

Double Dragon is on YouTube, for free. Just search for it. It's right there!

You can read about how many days of the week there are here.

The Boys return with another late-90s summer blockbuster... Con Air! This movie stars Nicolas Cage, John Malkovich, Colm Meaney, Ving Rhames, Steve Buscemi, and also, John Cusack is there, I guess? The guys discuss if it's actually possible to be too cool at fighting that it's illegal, the American penal system, a space weirdo, whether or not themed casinos have gone too far, and if it's possible to just tell guards about an undercover agent in their midst.

...And what exactly happened with Steve Buscemi to get the gimp mask put on him?

Next week's movie is a true summer blockbuster... Murder in the Orient (1974)! This is Ron Marchini's first film and is almost impossible to find. I am just going to link off to the Daily Motion of it so you don't have to wade through a million "Did you mean 'Murder on the Orient Express'?" Google search results.

The boys continue the Summer of Blockbusters with the only movie filled entirely with the stupidest people on earth... Broken Arrow! Broken Arrow is a coming-of-age dramedy that involves two old friends passing the same $20 back and forth, while wacky hijinx ensue. Surprisingly, this movie is kind of boring, despite a $2 billion jet exploding.

Broken Arrow stars John Travolta and Christian Slater, and involves John Travolta ripping off Christian Slater lines. Unfortunately, this movie is mostly just professionals going about their jobs behind the scenes, and also Howie Long was there?

BUT FIRST!!! We saw F9, and we have some thoughts. Hint: the movie is good, and maybe bad? 

Next episode's movie is Con Air, starring Nic Cage and John Malkovich. It's absolutely wild, so we know that next episode will have a lot more to discuss.

Joe and Jeff return with this week’s absolutely amazing flick: Face/Off! In this movie, they take Nicolas Cage’s face… off, and put it on John Travolta. Then they face off, see it has layers! The boys explore 3D printing technology, one simple way to destroy the whole plot, the absolute chaos that took place behind the scenes, an unearned Jesus allegory, as well as the ultra-creepy face-touching thing, including an alternate ending!

If you want to see Face/Off in about 50 seconds, this is all you need. Also YES we forgot to mention there is a Face/Off sequel in the works! This is Jeff's fault!

If you want to watch the whole thing (which we wholeheartedly recommend), you can watch it on Hulu and Paramount+.

Face/Off and John Woo-ne kicks off The Summer of Blockbusters, where we tackle some of the biggest flops in the last 30 years. We will also, of course, watch a Ron Marchini movie. Broken Arrow is up next on the docket, followed by Con Air, Speed 2, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Jaws: The Revenge, and one movie that Jeff promised himself that he would never watch ever again.

Broken Arrow, the next episode’s movie, is not currently free to stream but is rentable starting at $2.99.

The boys are back after some scheduling snafus, with a big announcement... We are going bi-weekly. It turns out a podcast about stupid movies is easier to do during a worldwide pandemic than outside of it! We send off our weekly episodes with another Asylum flick... Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf! In this movie, Casper Van Dien sort of drunkenly wanders onto the set of his wife's movie and the cast & crew are too kind to tell him no. Plus, Jeff lies to Joe again and they play a trivia game. Why is this 2.5 hours when the movie barely clocks in at 85 minutes? Who knows! Probably because there are two miniature episodes of Homers at the Bat squeezed inside. 

This is the third in a trilogy, and don't worry if you haven't seen the first two; you kind of already know what happened in those. In this iteration of the Sharktopus Saga, former baseball player Felix Rosa (Feliz Rosa?) gets mad he can't get RBI anymore and decides to go on a murderous rampage. 

Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf is on Amazon Prime and Tubi, both free with ad support.

We will be back in two weeks with FACE/OFF (1997), the John Woo, John Travolta, Nicolas Cage classic! If you know anything about bad action movies, you know FACE/OFF. We follow that up with BROKEN ARROW, a 1996 John Woo, John Travolta, Christian Slater flick. So, you know, completely different!

Joe and Jeff return from an impromptu hiatus because Joe's house was hit by a glitch (it was organic, not reptilian). We take on Ape vs. Monster, a movie that Jeff ended up watching three times because it made such little sense. In this one, we figure out how Ape vs. Monster ties into Planet of the Apes, King Kong vs. Godzilla, time travel, parallel universes, 1990s treats (and not treats), and QAnon! Jeff also has an aneurysm because he has a degree in History, and the person who wrote this... doesn't (to put it delicately). 

Ape vs. Monster is on YouTube in a bunch of places, we watched "Giant Ape vs. Giant Monster."

Next week's movie is SHARKTOPUS VS. WHALEWOLF as we have a truncated Monsters vs. May before turning to John Woone. Next week's episode will be recorded on Tuesday due to Jeff's lovely wife's birthday!

Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf was pulled off YouTube but is on Amazon Prime and Tubi!

Monsters vs. May rolls on with the O.G. Godzilla vs. Kong! This 1963 flick is a re-edit of a 1962 *comedic* King Kong and Godzilla movie in Japan, that America turned into a more serious adventure. The boys discuss what exact role Eric Carter, the head of the UN news desk plays in world politics, if the Giant Octopus was a false flag,  if King Kong needs intervention, who exactly is naming these creatures, and why this movie is obsessed with a satellite. Also, Jeff lies to Joe a whole bunch!

Next week's movie is Ape vs. Monster (2021), the first of three Asylum Pictures movies for Monsters vs. May. This is definitely not a Godzilla vs. Kong rip-off! 

Both Ape vs. Monster and King Kong vs. Godzilla are on YouTube, for free.

The boys return from an impromptu week off due to seasickness (Joe was knocked out and tied to a boat headed toward Antarctica) to review Godzilla vs. Kong, a movie that literally delivered on everything it promised, straight from the beginning of the movie! So grab your showerin' bleach and get ready to see Godzilla and King Kong finally square off in a way you have never seen before (unless you have seen Neon Genesis Evangelion)!

In this episode of the podcast, the boys explore the deepest, darkest conspiracies, determine if the movie backdoored a new anti-Semitic slur, argue about if Matthew Fox and Kyle Chandler look alike (they don't), and learn some great science facts! If you know the difference between 7 and 11, then you're way ahead of Joe on this one!

May around these parts is MONSTERS VS. MAY! Godzilla vs. Kong inspired us to see other classic duos square off. In order, we will find out who wins in a rematch: King Kong vs Godzilla (1963), then Ape vs Monster (2021), then Megashark vs. Crocosaurus (2010), and finally, the mack daddy battle of them all: Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf (2015). All of these movies, like all fine flicks, are streaming on YouTube.

Godzilla vs. Kong was on HBO Max... And probably will be, again?

Son of Kong is the 1933 sequel to the 1933 hit King Kong! All your old friends are back (I think!). This is an action-adventure movie promising a little version of King Kong, which forgets all three of those components until the last ten minutes. This one was made back when they knew how to make movies: quick, incoherent, and meandering. There's a return of everyone's favorite segment... Jeff Does Math! 

Son of Kong is on HBO Max. Next week we wrap up Ape-Ril with Godzilla vs. Kong (2021), which is also on HBO Max. Our upcoming theme months include Monster May, John Woo-ne, Joystick July, Arcade August (the same thing, really), and Sequel September. That leads us either into a mental break or Brawloween 2!

The boys kick off Ape-Ril with the Paul Giamatti, Tim Roth and Helena Bonham Carter psychological thriller/slapstick comedy: Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes. In this film, Mark Wahlberg gets sent forward in time to a planet where apes and humans live side by side with unsettling allegories to the humans being both animals AND African-Americans in the United States! We explore all the questions for the movie that has no answers. How does time travel work? Was there an Ape American Civil War? Why doesn't anyone listen to Mark Wahlberg and not follow him?

But most importantly, we explore Semos' lineage, and find an unusual patriarch of the clan!

Also, the scene they absolutely 100% felt the need to add back into the movie! Hint: it's weirder than you think! Double hint: it's when Mark Wahlberg kisses Helena Bonham Carter after succumbing to New Kids on the Blockholm Syndrome.

Planet of the Apes isn't available for free anywhere, but we promise you that it is even weirder than you remember and that Paul Giamatti just plays the standard Paul Giamatti role (except he's an orangutan). 

Next week the boys return with 1933's Son of Kong! This one is mercifully only 70 minutes long, and is on HBO Max. Ape-Ril closes out the following week with the big beasts battling it out on HBO Max: Godzilla vs. Kong (2021).

We told you all we were done with Ron Marchini in March, but like Jesus, He has risen. It felt a little out of place to not finish the Ron Marchini Cinematic Universe, with 1995's Karate Commando. Or is it Karate Raider? Or is it Jungle Wolf III? This movie is impossible to find, and felt impossible to watch. The official credit in the movie is Jungle Wolf III, but he plays an entirely new character (Jake Turner). Nevertheless, let's call this movie by its Christian name: Forgotten Warrior - US Warrior IV: Jungle Wolf III: Return Fire II: Karate Raider AKA Forgotten Warrior - US Warrior IV: Jungle Wolf III: Return Fire II: Karate Commando. This bad boy is on YouTube as Jungle Wolf III: Karate Commando. 

The Marchini Primetime players are all back to send Ron Marchini off in style with one last romp through the Philippine jungle. All our friends are here! Chris Ost! Michael E. Bristow! Joe Meyer! A woman who acted in exactly one movie in her entire career! Also a former Batman star and a D-list celebrity just securing the bag!

This movie is 100% part of the Jungle Wolf canon, but somehow Ron Marchini gets away with calling himself Jake Turner and not Steve Parrish. Also, his half-Korean Aryan son is gone. This one is a strange sendoff, but better than Chuck Norris or Steven Seagal just hanging around.

Next week we will be back with 2001's Planet of the Apes, or as Joe and I call it: Marky Mark Planet of the Apes (Cinemax or VOD), to kick off Ape-ril, a month of Joe and Jeff just monkeying around. We will follow that up with 1933's Son of Kong (HBO Max) and the smash hit of the last week or so: Godzilla vs. Kong (2021) (HBO Max)! It'll be nice to be back to movies with budgets, for a change!

You can find all the previous Marchini Cinematic Universe movies here:

Death Machines (Episode 10)

Omega Cop (Episode 11)

Karate Cop (Episode 12)

Ninja Warriors (Episode 42)

The Forgotten Warrior (Episode 43)

Jungle Wolf (Episode 44)

Return Fire - Jungle Wolf II (Episode 45)

Questions about our well-being? Concerns about our well-being? Comments about our well-being? Reach out to us at reactionariespodcast@gmail.com

The Boys return with their end-of-year run through bad video game movies. This week they take on Uwe Boll's 2005 uh... masterpiece(?)... BloodRayne. In this flick, Rayne is a half-vampire who needs to break out of the tutorial and go on several quests for in-game items before defeating the final boss... Ben Kingsley! This movie has two Reactionaries alums, Michael Madsen (L.A.P.D.: To Protect and to Serve) and Michelle Rodriguez (Fast & Furious franchise, The Assignment), with Rodriguez doing her best and Madsen doing... well, nothing. It also has Meat Loaf with a gaggle of Romanian prostitutes and a great diet plan.

BloodRayne is sitting on YouTube, for free, as is next week's movie... Double Dragon (1994)! A dystopic future thriller that definitely isn't just The Medallion again, plus... Alyssa Milano's pants and Robert Patrick as a guy named "Koga Shuko."

The Steve Parrish Saga comes to its inevitable conclusion with Forgotten Warrior - US Warrior III: Jungle Wolf II: Return Fire! This twee indie coming of age movie focuses on Steve Parrish’s (Ron Marchini) son, Zak. He has completely cast off his half-Vietnamese roots to fully embrace his destiny as an Aryan Prince. In this film, we explore what exactly it means to become a man, and how old is too old to have your father undress you. Also, is it creepier to sit in someone’s living room, uninvited, or to watch them dress? Adam West co-stars as a corrupt government official working with the Italian Mafiosos in Central California, hellbent on taking down Steve Parrish.

If you liked Forgotten Warrior, and Jungle Wolf, you’ll love Return Fire, a movie that is 20% Forgotten Warrior and Jungle Wolf. Not like, thematically, it’s like if a clip show was a movie.

Marchini Madness has come to an end, which means it’s time for Ape-Ril… Ape-ril FOOLS that is! We start Ape-Ril in two weeks, but next week we bring you… another Ron Marchini flick. This time, it’s 1995’s Karate Raider, starring Ron Marchini (of course) as well as Burt Ward, Joe Estevez… and all your favorite Ron Marchini Players. This movie was erroneously originally placed on IMDb as Jungle Wolf 3, which means we have to cover it. And of course, call it by its Christian Name... Forgotten Warrior - US Warrior IV: Jungle Wolf III: Return Fire II: Karate Raider.

Both Return Fire and Karate Raider are on YouTube, but for some reason Karate Raider is listed as "Jungle Wolf 3 Karate Commando" for reasons I'm sure we will explore, especially considering its full title is: Forgotten Warrior - US Warrior IV: Jungle Wolf III: Return Fire II: Karate Commando

Ron Marchini returns for the second part of the Steve Parrish Cinematic Universe. It has everything you love from The Forgotten Warrior, including about 10 minutes of The Forgotten Warrior! We reckon with the problem that Ron Marchini has now made back-to-back Communist propaganda movies in this trilogy. In Jungle Wolf, Ron Marchini must leave his blond-haired, blue-eyed half-Vietnamese son… Zak, and travel to San Sebastian (literally El Salvador). Isn’t it wild how Vietnam and “San Sebastian” both look just like The Philippines! And how every Vietnamese person and San Sebastian citizen look Filipino! Strange! Probably nothing. And of course, you know there has to be a completely original composition for this film that just explains the events of The Forgotten Warrior.

The Forgotten Warrior – US Warrior II: Jungle Wolf is available on YouTube, for free, with Dutch subtitles!

We will return next week with the third movie in this saga: The Forgotten Warrior – US Warrior III: Jungle Wolf II: Return Fire.

Joe and Jeff take on the most boring movie they've done yet, to predictably short podcast results. This film feels like a low-grade fever when you're done with it. Confusing, a little disorienting, and tiring. Ron Marchini defects from the capitalist pig-dogs to live life with the Viet Cong. That is, until, in a (quite unrealistic) turn of events, a US Militaryman comes by and starts doing war crimes on the Vietnamese countryside... a year after the Vietnam War ended. This is either in pursuit of documents or Ron Marchini, the movie isn't quite clear. 

A quick reminder that the good guys are literally the Viet Cong and the bad guys are Americans. Ron Marchini returns in Jungle Wolf, a direct sequel to this, where he serves with the American military.

The Forgotten Warrior is on YouTube, as is Jungle Wolf

Marchini Madness kicks off with 1985's Ninja Warriors! Do you know literally anything about ninjas? Because if so, you could be an expert to this team of dumb dumbs. Ken Watanabe (no not the Ken Watanabe) stars with Ron Marchini and a cast of people who begged imdb to not have their names associated with this flick. 

In Ninja Warriors, Ron Marchini is doomed to relive his last day on earth until he gets everything right, and he is freed from his hellish torment. That, and he has some internalized racism and sexual identity frustrations to sort out.

Ninja Warriors is available on YouTube for free, as is next week's movie in Marchini Madness... Forgotten Warrior (1986)

Do you like vague anger at liberals? Do you like snarky asides about trigger warnings and hand sanitizer? Do you love a good guy with a gun? Well, do we have the movie for you!

Run Hide Fight (2021) is Ben Shapiro's The Daily Wire's first foray into filmmaking and they really work some stuff out in this one. Weirdly and incorrectly described as "gender-swapped Die Hard in a high school" this movie sucks out loud.

Please watch this movie to figure out if Zoey and Christopher are hearing the same voices if Zoey's mom is trying to herald the apocalypse, and if Zoey is is bad, or even worse, than the shooters (except she doesn't have a weird and/or small penis).

Run Hide Fight is available through The Daily Wire's subscription service or, if you're a big boy or big girl, you can figure out where to get it.

Next week we start MARCHINI MADNESS!!! The theme month idea that started this whole mess of theme months. We will be watching the Steve Parrish Saga: Ninja Warriors (1985), Forgotten Warrior (1986), Jungle Wolf (1986), and Return Fire: Jungle Wolf 2 (1986).

All of these movies, like all great movies, are sitting on YouTube, for free.

It's not every day that a movie pairs a literal brain dead cop (Treat Williams) with a figurative brain dead cop (Joe Piscopo). We're watching Dead Heat (1988)! In this horror-action movie, the dad from A Christmas Story and Vincent Price team up to do eveil things with regards to reincarnation. The guys discuss evil plots, school tours, Joe Piscopo's regenerative process, as well as just what is up with that Pig Biker guy.

If you're curious just what exactly the population of Rhode Island multiplied by the square root of the weight of Joe Piscopo's ex-wife is, this is the episode for you. We watched this movie because The Medallion (2001) from Jackie Chanuary apparently ripped entire sections of the film off... but we have no idea which sections even come close! 

Dead Heat is on Amazon Prime, as well as available through your library on Hoopla.

Next week's movie is the most recent Treat Williams masterpiece... Run Hide Fight. It's distributed by The Daily Wire, but you can find it online without paying for it.

What can we say about Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance? It stars several porn stars, guys who literally bought their way onto the set, a lost Estevez/Sheen and Tommy Wiseau... and none of them are the worst actors in the movie. If you like confusing plots, incest(?), and blatant disregard for FAA regulations surrounding the use of floating orbs on airplanes, then Samurai Cop 2 is for you! This is the sequel to our Deathcember Episode (Episode 31), Samurai Cop. 

The Samurai Cop original episode can be found here.

Samurai Cop 2 is available on Tubi and Hoopla.

Next week's episode is Dead Heat (1988), available on Amazon Prime, Shudder, Hoopla and Tubi.

And as always: keep it warm.

The guys finish Jackie Chanuary with a trip into February and Jackie Chan’s insane money laundering adventure Bleeding Steel (2017). Do you like Star Trek? The MCU? Star Wars? Tron? Underworld? Assassin’s Creed? Fantasy Mission Force? The Medallion? Fast & the Furious and maybe… Fight Club? Then this is the movie for you. In this flick, Jackie Chan’s daughter dies and is implanted with an Iron Man heart… 13 years before the bulk of the events of the movie. Jackie Chan goes undercover as Janitor Jackie Chan, not to be confused with movie star Jackie Chan, who also exists in this universe. It’s a complete pile of nonsense and gibberish but there are about 30 production companies involved!

Bleeding Steel is only available via rental, but it is definitely worth the visual gibberish.

Our movies for February will be Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance (2015), Dead Heat (1988), and Run, Hide, Fight (2020).

The boys continue their run around the Jackie Chan universe with their first English offering. Well... sorta. There was stuff that was originally in Chinese, but it was clunkily ADRed. It's 2003's The Medallion! Starring Jackie Chan, Claire Forlani, Lee Evans, and not Nikolaj Coster-Waldau. In this film, an evil British man tries to get immortality from a small child using a BFF chain. The evil British man fights and loses to a mystical dragon and a mystical fish. Also, Jackie Chan dies halfway through and there is a secret agent character that pops up out of nowhere and is never explained again! It really could have been more like Joe's favorite TV show... Chuck. The Medallion is apparently a ripoff of Dead Heat, which we will be watching in Free For All February. 

The Medallion is available on PlutoTV, which is a mess of a platform to try to use. I hate it so much.

Next week's movie is our last ride in Jackie Chanuary. Unfortunately, due to scheduling issues, it will be in February. That will be Bleeding Steel, which is available on PlutoTV or for rental for $3.99 on major platforms. After that... SAMURAI COP 2!

The scream is called the Howie Scream.

Jackie Chanuary continues with 1985's Heart of Dragon. In this film, Jackie Chan learns the power of love and family, as well as the limitations of his brother's mental capacity. We discuss consent, abuse, and how the power dynamic actually works between kids and someone with mental deficiencies. 

The description of Heart of the Dragon from reelgood.com:  "Story of a cop who forsakes his dreams of sailing around the world so that he can care for his mentally retarded brother. Innocently caught up in a gangland fight, the brother is kidnapped to force the cop to turn over a police informant." Heart of the Dragon is available on Daily Motion in two parts.

In next week's edition of the podcast, we move over to the first of two Jackie Chan offerings from his American period. We will be watching 2003's The Medallion, starring Jackie Chan, Claire Forlani, and Lee Evans! We assume this movie will have 100% fewer children taking advantage of adults.

Jeff and Joe kontemplate the ikonik 1997 klassic, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. This is the story of a group of aktors who did not want to rekreate their roles as Earth's Greatest Fighters, and instead did much kleverer things with their kareers. Instead, karacters were all played by a small group of aktors, since wearing masks makes it work. Plus, this was the movie debut of the man behind one of the most iconic sci-fi characters of all-time!

This kinematic masterpiece... wait that one doesn't work... is on HBO Max.

 Next week's movie, BloodRayne (2005) is sitting there, for free, on YouTube. It stars two Reactionaries friends: Michelle Rodriguez, and Michael Madsen.

When we say Fantasy Mission Force (1983) has everything, we mean everything. Indiana Jones, Planet of the Apes, Halloween 2, ghosts, mahjongg, bazookas, Nazis, Mad Max, cirque du soleil, Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Shining, James Bond, Escape from LA, Rambo, and more! The guys try to unravel this flick starring an international cast of Chinese actors that just kind of bumble around China, Canada, Luxembourg, and Japan, and South America trying to save General Abraham Lincoln, as well as the major general of the country of Africa. This thing was a mess.

Next week's movie is Heart of Dragon (1985), the second of Jackie Chanuary's Chinese movies. This one looks like it's going to be a doozy. It is in two parts on Daily Motion.

Jeff and Joe get into the last belated episode of Deathcember with 1991's Samurai Cop, starring Matthew Karedas and Robert Z'Dar. In Samurai Cop, Joe Marshall (the titular cop who is a samurai) is brought in to help take down the hated Katana gang, run by Fujiyama (he's the boss). There are lots of butts in this movie, and men's underwear that is somehow smaller than the ladies' underwear. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll marvel at how many horribly inappropriate remarks the police and doctors make in this movie. Samurai Cop is on Tubi and Hoopla.

Next week's movie kicks off Jackie Chanuary with Fantasy Mission Force (1983). This is on YouTube as well as DailyMotion, for free.

Jeff and Joe give you a bit of Christmas Eve cheer thanks to some immense screwups by FedEx! In this episode, they take a look at a truly baffling movie. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever was, by most accounts, written by one group of people, filmed by a second group and… edited by a third? It’s a truly mindboggling example of filmmaking in which Lucy Liu kidnaps a child/bioweapon and Antonio Banderas fights against her, or with her? Or both? There’s also a thing with a rogue deep state operative? Who is raising Antonio Banderas’ kid? None of this is anything we can confirm, despite watching the movie multiple times. We can confirm, however, that the package was correct and there’s a bus that slid on its side!

We will be back next time with Joe’s gift to Jeff… 1991's SAMURAI COP. Samurai Cop is streaming on Tubi.

The boys get back to their roots: preening d-bags emoting improperly at each other. That's right, it's time for Ben Affleck to make his Reactionaries debut. In this episode, we join some Reindeer Games (2002). Joe insists that Ben Affleck isn't handsome, Jeff can't keep Nick and Rudy straight, and we discuss who exactly is the dumbest, worst criminal in this movie full of dumb criminals. Reindeer Games is currently streaming on Philo, FuboTV and Sundance.

Get some hot chocolate, some pecan pie, some monster-free gelatin and enjoy Reindeer Games, starring Ben Affleck, Charlize Theron, and Gary Sinise.

Jeff then bequeaths Joe with the first gift of Deathcember... Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, a movie that has a 0% Rotten Tomatoes score. This is a movie so terrible that it is not streaming anywhere, except dubbed into Hindi on YouTube. This movie features Antonio Banderas, Lucy Liu, and a bus on its side, according to the packaging.

The boys take a break from the high-flying world of Chuck Norris dealing with Nazis to deal with Hulk Hogan as Santa... With Muscles! Yes, it's a family movie. No, we don't care. We discuss what you do when Santamania runs wild on you, if a fart machine was a part of Operation: Paperclip, and why Blake Tolkowsky Modification is a terrible businessman. They also explore the billionaire factory in this town, if Mila Kunis has always been a 35-year-old divorcee, and what exactly a suicide by fart would look like. Santa With Muscles is free on YouTube if you look for it.

Next week's movie is Reindeer Games! It is a classic bad Christmas action movie, starring Ben Affleck, Charlize Theron, and Gary Sinese. It's on several pay subscription services but is $1.99 to rent, as well. It's only $5 to buy on Amazon. You know you want to.

When you think of international espionage, a high-priced ancient diamond ring, and the Third Reich, you of course think... Spokane, Washington. The boys send out Norrisvember with style, and the movie that caused Chuck Norris to retire. In this film, Chuck Norris is a private investigator who helps an aged jewel cutter. And does this movie have everything! Veiled antisemitism! Gems that look like candy! And way more Nazis than you would expect! The Cutter is on Amazon Prime.

Next week we kick off our string of holiday movies with Santa With Muscles, starring Hulk Hogan. It's a kid movie, but who cares! It's just sitting on YouTube will then watch the bad movie action holiday classic, Reindeer Games. Then, we have two mystery movies as Joe and Jeff swap "gifts" of movies to do this month!

The boys continue Norrisvember with Hero & The Terror, a trip to a world of intrigue and mystery. In Hero & The Terror, Chuck Norris plays a cop who is tasked with tracking down an escaped killer, who he previously caught in a right-place-right-time situation. Of course, like all Chuck Norris movies, this is just a ploy for a duchy in Burma. They focus on the important questions raised by this movie: does The Horror like blondes? Did he build the tunnels himself? Is it possible to get tricked into raising your partner’s baby, when that baby doesn’t even exist? Is it possible to be racist against the Welsh?

Oddly enough, this was not a made-for-TV movie, it was a real movie with a premiere and everything. It’s available for free on YouTube, except for the last minute. But we fill you in on that.

We finish up Norrisvember next week with The Cutter (2005). This is on Amazon Prime.

In December, we will start our holiday-themed month of movies that will probably have a worse name than Brawloween.

Apologies for the wonky schedule, the holidays are getting us all out of whack!

The boys take a trip to the mean streets of Santa Madre, CA, home of the worst police force in the entire universe. They laugh, they cry, they drop nuggets about Air Force One, and Jeff tells Joe His One Story! A Force of One is on Amazon Prime.

Next week's movie is Hero and the Terror (1988), which is just chilling on YouTube if you look for it, for free!

The boys kick off Norrisvember with a movie about family, soul-stealing, finances, and maybe marijuana? This week's movie is 1977's Breaker! Breaker! which could honestly have been in Brawloween with some different music choices. Chuck Norris investigates a small town after his brother's disappearance, and he discovers that investigating a small town after his brother's disappearance is harder than it looks. The boys show off their math skills, uncover vast conspiracies, an entire town built filled with 1850s gold rush settlers built in the 1970s. They also take on their first advertiser! Shelly's TV Dinners! If it's Shelly's... It's Good For Your Belly! This movie is fantastic and not a big pile of 10-100!

This week's second movie is 1979's A Force of One, which is available with an Amazon Prime subscription.

Apologies for being late with the one, there was a big to-do last week involving the guy from Home Alone 2!

The boys wave a fond farewell to Brawloween with a series that has seen better days... Jason X! Jason goes to space! Where all great franchises eventually end up! They discuss Jason's real voice, why a character exists at all, how Jason is less visually horrifying than a children's television show character, the logistics of Jason's aging, and space terrorism. They also make two minor tweaks to make Jason X a much better movie. They also argue about a much better movie than Jason X! Next week kicks off Norrisvember with 1977's Breaker Breaker! 

The Boys are back after one of us tried to become a spooky scary ghost and get sick. So, no Slender Man this month, only Thir-thirteen-en Ghosts! This is a "remake" of a movie from 1960, but all they took were the ghosts and the glasses. Everything else is basically just a bunch of people wandering around a glasshouse filled with spooky scaries.

Thirteen Ghosts stars Tony Shalhoub, Shannon Elizabeth, F. Murray Abraham, and the incomparable Matthew Lillard as a lunatic psychic exploring a house slash devil machine. The boys answer questions like "was the little boy's murder a cover up?", "did Bobby kill his mother?", "why does Satan need a failsafe?" and of course, the question that plagues us all: "why is there a squish room?" and the question we ask most frequently: "WHO IS F. MURRAY ABRAHAM'S RUSE FOR?!"

Thirteen Ghosts is on HBO Max.

The rest of the year will be spent on video game movies! In Nintendovember and Nintendecember, will explore Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997, HBO Max), BloodRayne (2005, YouTube), Double Dragon (1994, YouTube), and Street Fighter (1994, 123Movies)!

Brawloween marches on with the Chuck Norris religious action monster classic(?) Hellbound. Shot entirely in Israel (even Chicago), the movie evokes all the things you love from Star Wars (yellow text!) and basketball (the playoffs!). Chuck Norris and his partner must travel to Israel to track down the emissary of Satan... Prosatanos. That's not a real thing, by the way. They made up a minion of Satan and named him Pro Satan. Yep. After exploring Chuck Norris' motivations (mostly trying to see the inside of a skull), the figure out how many international incidents happen in this film. Finally, they determine where Shatter and Jackson fit in the ranks of the worst cops in Reactionaries Lore.

Hellbound is $1.99 on most streaming services.

Brawloween concludes next week with Jason X.

This is the greatest and best horror movie in the world... Tribute. The guys take a look back at the not-so-classic Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, and Jeff reveals a horrible secret about the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise. The main topics of conversation in this horror-action movie are an alternative to the G.I. Bill, the logistics of owning a food truck and how exactly taxes work when you feed people humans as a source of income. That last one is literally a concern of one of the murderers, we didn't come up with it.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 is streaming on Amazon Prime. 

Next week's movie is Hellbound, wherein Chuck Norris is a detective who must travel to Israel (slightly outside his jurisdiction) to solve a Rabbi's murder. That is no longer free but is $2 to rent from the Google Play store and iTunes.

BRAZOS!

The boys kick off Brawloween (the spookiest of all action movie months) with the Steven Seagal vampire/zombie/meth-head action flick, Against the Dark. If each zombie movie trope creates a beautiful piece of the rainbow, this movie takes all those colors and swirls them all together into one hideous brown mess. The boys get really political about those clowns down in D.C. and try to figure out what, exactly, the military does in this movie. This one gets super long because the guys have to stop and ask what is happening a billion times because nothing happens in the movie, at all, and they wander up and down like three hallways repeatedly. There’s a programming announcement at the end of the podcast, as well.

Against the Dark is streaming on Amazon Prime.

Next week, the podcast will take a look at 1986’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2: Chop-Top Jones and the Temple of Doom (okay I made up that second half). This is also streaming on Amazon Prime and stars Dennis Hopper!

There will be no further preactions due to scheduling issues (outside of specific one-offs), so that we can focus our attention on the films!

Joe and Jeff take a quick look (and we mean quick) at the trailer for Against the Dark. It's 75% shots of zombies and Steven Seagal slicing at things, so there's not much to go over here. This is the first movie of BRAWL-O-WEEN! Our love letter to terrible action-horror flicks. We have two better ideas for October, but we're already stuck with Brawl-o-ween!

Against the Dark is streaming on Amazon Prime!

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95CdQS-X4YA

Seagal September comes to a merciful close with Beyond the Law, a movie featuring Seagal, Johnny Messner, Zack Ward, Patrick Kilpatrick and, of course, DMX! In this movie, Steven Seagal is a former/current mob boss with the world's deadliest fail son. Please note: the legal views outlined by the characters in Beyond the Law do not reflect legal advice, and are not actionable. Sit back, relax (Steven Seagal did while making this movie), and enjoy what actually might have been a good movie at one point that was thoroughly derailed by Steven Seagal. Oh, and there are 5 rap songs, with none by the actual rapper in the movie. Incredible.

Beyond the Law is on Hoopla and Showtime.

Seagal September is over! To celebrate taking a break from Steven Seagal, we start Brawloween with 2008's Against the Dark starring... Steven Seagal! Psych! Gotcha! There is no escaping from Seagal September. Against the Dark is streaming on Amazon Prime.

Brawloween continues after Against the Dark with Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986), Hellbound (1994), and Jason X (2001), the whole reason Joe started the podcast.

Seagal September comes to a close with 2019's Beyond the Law, starring DMX, Johnny Messner and, of course, Steven Seagal. In this one, the boys imagine conversations between Steven Seagal and Donald Trump (the most powerful man in the world and Donald Trump, respectively), Zapruder film a split-second of cards being played, and envision a better James Bond universe as well as a much, much better American political universe.

Beyond the Law is no longer available on streaming for free, so have fun renting it!

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWFVPgU23Lw

Flight of Fury is Steven Seagal's masterpiece. That's right, he wrote it. And lemme tell ya, you can definitely tell that Steven Seagal wrote this. Constants like directions, time, speed... all a matter of debate. In this movie, action star Steven Seagal demonstrates numerous action star traits, like knowing how to hold a gun, and crouching... also reacting properly to the news that the US Military broke the laws of physics.

We theorize that this movie might have been written by the Memento guy, since no scene has any bearing on the scene that follows it. Who's ready for some chaotic action with the vivacious Jessica (who loves Steven Seagal), the ever-loyal Rojar (who is not loyal) in Banansistan (not Banansistan)? Wait until the end when we discover that the Navy is Indiana Jones, which makes Steven Seagal... the Nazis? 

Flight of Fury is on Amazon Prime.

Next week's movie is Beyond the Law, which is no longer streaming for free anywhere. Hoo boy. $3 to rent a movie where Steven Seagal plays a mob boss... actually that sounds kinda worth it.

There is only one trailer for this movie and a full 22% of it is the green screen that shows before the trailer and a picture of the DVD with a flag waving in the background, so enjoy the episode! We are back with the Steven Seagal-written action smash hit of 2007: Flight of Fury. We discuss Ticker some more, and wonder whether Steven Seagal actually things that stealth bombers turn invisible...?

This one is super short because we have nothing to work with, so the prediction is equally off the rails! 

Flight of Fury is on Amazon Prime.

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fsx6XdLznEI

Steven Seagal is back, and this time he's brought Nas, Chilli, Tom Sizemore, Jamie Pressley and Dennis Hopper! With a lineup like that, this movie can't be a bomb, right? Er, sorry... device. I'll try to be more zen. The guys break down the 2001 movie that was exactly what we wanted to see two months post-9/11: lots of explosions in civilian areas. If it seems like the thread gets lost about two-thirds of the way through the movie, it's because it descends into utter chaos. Sit back, get zen, grab a tequila and a coke, and ~reach out and touch someone~

Ticker is on Amazon Prime. We will be back with Seagal September's third installment: 2007's Flight of Fury

Seagal September continues as the boys check out the most frenetically-edited trailer in the history of cinema. This bad boy averages 1.5 edits per second, and it feels faster than that, somehow. Steven Seagal and Tom Sizemore hunt down Dennis Hopper, who, in a new type of role, is a bomb-based terrorist. Jeff threatens to quit the podcast and accidentally time travels but IS REDEEMED because this movie came out in November 2001, upon further research. 

Ticker is on Amazon Prime, for free. YOU DA BOMB, BABY

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9AMD1WygHI

Joe and Jeff take a reprieve from blockbusters by getting into the podcast's bread and butter: low-budget schlock that snookered big-name actors into a paycheck. L.A.P.D.: To Protect and to Serve never lives up to its first five minutes, and tells the story of a group of crooked cops, who just want to steal boomboxes and have some parties in peace. Instead, there's a ding-dong and his father mucking everything up. This "stars" Dennis Hopper, who never leaves the police station, and Michael Madsen, who selectively removes his sunglasses. 

L.A.P.D.: To Protect and to Serve is based on a true story and was mercifully scrubbed from the internet in most places. But, you can still find it on 123movies.com. 

Next episode's movie is Slender Man (2018) as the boys do a Brawloween two-step with that then Thir Thirteen En Ghosts (2001), which is on HBO Max this month.

The Glimmer Man is the first movie in Seagal September as we take a leisurely stroll through Steven Seagal's collection. In this one, Steven Seagal and Keenan Ivory Wayans star as two mismatched cops: Seagal is steeped in Chinese traditions and Keenan Ivory Wayans is a street smart detective. Somehow, this movie was made just two years before Rush Hour and is worse in every way. It hits on every late-80s action movie trope and throws a bunch of convoluted nonsense out there for good measure. You'll laugh, you'll cry (unless you're Keenan Ivory Wayans), you'll marvel that this movie came out after Independence Day. First you see nothing, then you see a glimmer... then you see... a truly terrible movie.

The Glimmer Man is sitting for free on YouTube; the sign of a great movie! Seagal September marches on next week with Ticker (2001).

The guys kick off their string of theme months with STEVEN SEAGAL SEPTEMBER! This episode has the first, chronologically: 1996's The Glimmer Man. In this flick, Steven Seagal is a retired CIA wetwork assassin-turned-Buddhist (we think) who liaisons with a police department (we think) after his girlfriend(?) is killed. He teams up with Keenan Ivory Wayans to catch the killer and is a little bit rock & roll along the way. This movie is basically every other 90s action movie in the entire universe, but Steven Seagal has a crazy gold kimono in it. We talk the movie, 90s movie tropes, a kimono, and the basic tenents of Buddhism.

The Glimmer Man is on youtube, just sitting there, for free. 

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SwuIA5Emjm4

Outro Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6ZdUZFy2BI

When myth and history merged into mystery... We travel to modern ancient Greece, where an Austrian bodybuilder/Nazi Super Soldier is a Greek (demi)god who is incredibly terrible at improv! We laugh, we cry, we wonder why anyone would wrestle a man who killed a bear (???). We won't learn great interpersonal skills or learn how to tie a tie. The boys also get into stereotypes, world records, interfaith deities, and Arnold's fascination with skin tight sweaters. Also, Jeff springs his top ten characters of the first 18 episodes on Joe, out of nowhere!

Hercules in New York is free on Vudu! If you liked what you heard, we post two episodes a week, and you can subscribe wherever you get podcasts!

Outro Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6m2zUCsFrfY

If you have any questions or concerns you can email us at reactionariespodcast@gmail.com

Next week kicks off STEVEN SEAGAL SEPTEMBER with 1996's The Glimmer Man.

The boys take a break from unrealistic science fiction to discuss a movie wherein an Austrian bodybuilder is cast out of Olympus for being an obnoxious weirdo with two different voices. They travel through time not only via narrators, but characters as well, and they're aobut to find out that being an Austrian bodybuilder... is harder... than it looks. A broke Hercules deals with the trials and tribulations of 1970s New York City, including weird little turtle guys, local hoods, and cabbies who want to get paid their fares! He also takes off his shirt... a lot.

Hercules in New York is streaming free on Vudu and IMDb TV (which is inside the Amazon Prime app)

Trailer 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9qAR-Jnbug

Trailer 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXABEG56bXg