Welcome back for the next journey of The Family Express Podcast with Kathryn de Bruin and Ronda Evans where our destination is resilient and connected families. Today’s guest is Dr. James Hawkins from Arkansas. Our episode focuses on shame as a parental block. All Aboard !
1:00. James opens with what he likes about in EFFT.
5:20. We set our episode focus on parental shame and the impact on attachment when a parent is blocked by shame.
7:30. James locates when in a session we may see a parent get caught in their parental shame. Kathryn clarifies that as a child distills or opens up about their experience, then a parent may get hijacked by the shame as they metabolize what their child is saying and they lose their emotional balance.
9:40. The reframe: As the parent loses their emotional balance and is consumed by shame, the reframe is that this shows how much they care about their child and what their child goes through and experiences and thus shows the parental intent to caregive/to give care to their child when the child needs it.
10:30. James offers a demonstration of how to validate the good reason that shame is showing up at this moment for a parent (flipping the block intervention).
12:25. James talks about the importance of maintaining focus in EFFT sessions particularly when a child opens up to distill and share their experience. Focus: #1 stabilize/resource the child. #2 respond to parental shame by validating it and making sense of it showing up in that moment.
14:50. Kathryn and James relate to times when they have missed that focus and they missed reframing the parental shame and it has affected the kid.
17:35. Kathryn provides a demonstration of an enactment of validating the kid's response to the parental shame, and then re-focusing back to the parent to help them respond to their child.
18:40. We discuss the power of attachment in coming alongside a parent who gets caught in shame, or when families get stuck in negative patterns.
23:53. James provides a demonstration of how he intervenes when a parent is in emotional distress (ie, shame) and a child moves into an emotional caregiving role to the parent.
26:05. He honors and validates the good reasons for the existence of the child caregiving, and not only ask the child to "give up" that child caregiving of the parent.
28:00. James differentiates between experiential shame (that is an opening to parental accessibility) with appropriate time and place whereas "behavioral shame" as a defensive/protective strategy, and how behavioral shame in a pattern pulls for positive reinforcement/reassurance
29:45. James and Kathryn discuss the difference between guilt and shame. James describes that when a parent feels guilt in the moment, and then sees their child's position, and can convert this to caregiving action, this is an ideal moment and we the clinician want to put this into action with an engaged encounter (ie, enactment).
34:49. James describes one way to respond/intervene with a "behavioral shame" moment in a parent. He describes this is "a Sue intervention." His intervention focuses on making the process explicit, and some highlighting of the timing of the behavioral shame.
Thank you for listening!
Kathryn de Bruin is an ICEEFT Certified EFT Trainer. Kathryn and Ronda are both licensed marriage and family therapists, EFT supervisors and therapists, and AAMFT Approved Supervisors.
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You can follow Dr. James Hawkins
Website: https://www.dochawklpc.com
IG: doc_hawk_lpc
FB: dochawklpc
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