If you think structure matters, keep scrolling. This installment is a 95-minute free-association rocket that launches with Michigan’s oppressive heat and crash-lands on cryogenically-preserved genitals. The hosts — Alex, John, Nick, plus a drive-by from Ian — pinball between bodily ailments (an infected salivary gland becomes surprisingly fertile comedy), elaborate golden-shower hypotheticals, and a conspiracy theory in which suppressed vampire foot-fetishism somehow begat Jeffrey Epstein. There is no arc, only entropy.

What saves the chaos from total collapse is their knack for left-field riffs that feel both juvenile and oddly inventive. The “ejacuation” gag (skydiver must finish before hitting terminal velocity) is so proudly stupid it circles back to brilliance; the “rotten-mouth mime wielding inter-dimensional knives” bit is manic improv you can almost see storyboarded on a grease-stained Denny’s placemat. Occasional flashes of cultural commentary break through — AI-generated YouTube cadence, 9/11 media memories — but they’re quickly smothered by Sour Patch Kids and Dracula’s alleged bisexuality.

Do I recommend it? Only if you enjoy comedy that values shock over cohesion and don’t mind wading through a septic tank to find the occasional gold tooth. For listeners who crave polished storytelling or even basic segues, hard pass. For connoisseurs of unfiltered bar-banter absurdism, hit play and embrace the mess.

This episode of The Burt Selleck Podcast is a long, winding descent into absurdity, bodily functions, semi-coherent sexual philosophy, and barely tethered banter that somehow manages to be both repellent and engaging. It opens with lamentations about Ian's absence and devolves almost immediately into discussions of raw oatmeal diarrhea science, “gay ninjas,” and the gay Kinsey scale like it's all part of the same lecture series.

The episode feels like it’s on a barstool bender, fueled by overtalked beers and residual resentment toward the comedy industry’s gatekeepers (a solid digression into Rogan-world disillusionment). Somewhere amidst the chaos, there’s also a genuinely funny riff on the Rocky movies and a full-circle hippo vs. elephant deathmatch debate that probably reveals more about the hosts’ inner psychodramas than any therapy session could.

The tone is aggressively loose, often juvenile, sometimes gross, and occasionally self-aware in a way that gives the madness a glimmer of intentionality. But it's also two hours of relentless guy talk that doesn’t care if you’re keeping up—or want to be here at all.

Would I recommend it? Begrudgingly, yes—to a friend who enjoys watching a group of funny, bitter men spiral in real time with moments of brilliance buried in dick jokes and doom.

Okay, so this episode is unhinged. Like, fully unfiltered garage-talk energy from four guys who sound like they’ve been friends for 20 years and have no concept of an inside voice—or HR. It starts with a debate over whether they say “cuss,” “swear,” or “curse,” and from there it just devolves into a fever dream of bits, roast prep, conspiracy theories, engagements, ancient aliens, and whether or not it’s possible to kill someone in a CIA broom closet without leaving evidence. (Spoiler: someone thinks the key question is "was my cum on the body?")

Eventually they spiral into a philosophical conversation about committing murder, being emotionally equipped to kill, whether dogs can be reborn as phoenixes, and a dead friend’s Yorkie named Buttons. By the end, they’re talking about circumcision, mushroom-shaped bulges in jeans, and what food trucks they’d start if society collapses.

Warning:

This is not for the faint of heart. If you’re easily offended, skip it. If you’re in the mood to hear a bunch of degenerates get genuinely sweet about one of them getting engaged between riffs about buttholes and animal murder? This is your episode.

Verdict:

Listen if you like your comedy podcast with a side of chaos, a sprinkle of deep friendship, and absolutely no editing. Avoid if you require structure or don’t want to hear the word “c***” used as punctuation.

Nick can't handle my directness in this one. John and I are pretty sure he's going to have to amputate his foot. He tried landing an Eastside Dershowitz which is a much to complex move for the level of skater he is.

Nick tries to put a wedge between marginalized groups. John is very uncomfortable talking about issues that don't pertain to him. I'm still shell shocked from past audio issues.

We take Nick to Mime school for trying to make clowns out of us. (It's his fault we missed last week and didn't have this episode up yesterday, btw)

I'm back from Limestone and I was given one of the highest honors that you can be given while there. Nick comes up with his next killer premise. John suggests we go to Clawson Steakhouse to celebrate Ian coming back. Oh yeah, Ian is coming back.

We have a very important message in this episode.

It's another nostalgia episode, we reminisce about high school sports and the good ole days.

I had to get some stuff off of my chest. We talk about 4chan alien stuff too.

I was bullied about my dead tooth. I podcast with two people that are not very good people.

I brought the next Oscar winning movie to Nick and John and we start fleshing out the details of the story.

Nick started skateboarding. Before we started recording he showed us a video where he ate total shit.

We sort of re-tread old ground in this episode when we bring back the old "who would win, a bear or gorilla" argument.

Here's this weeks AI review:

This episode is a chaotic, rambling juggernaut of hypothetical animal fights, anxiety about sleep apnea machines, low-key geopolitical analysis, and tender moments of friendship masked as insults. The "100 men vs. 1 gorilla" debate takes center stage and becomes the backbone of a surprisingly in-depth discussion on human frailty, group dynamics, and just how useless militia guys would be in a real fight.

There are some strong comedic riffs (the gorilla’s new weapon is a man’s arm, the idea of gorilla cavalry, a jaguar in floaties being dropped into mako-infested waters), and everyone brings their A-game when it comes to one-liners and absurd logic. At times, the episode threatens to collapse under its own weight, but then it hits you with something like “jaguar life vest” or “Christmas, the man who smuggles entire PS5s in his ass,” and you're back in.

It’s long. It’s messy. It meanders. But it’s funny. If you like your comedy with a heavy dose of chaos and group-chat energy, this is absolutely worth the listen.

Recommended?

Yes — if you’re cool with no clear structure, lots of shouting, and a gorilla swinging militia guys like nunchucks.

No — if you need your podcasts edited, focused, or remotely productive.

Well folks, it's another Easter in the books and written off on God's taxes.

I like to think that this is one of our more experimental episodes*.

*I didn't have time to listen back and pull a title for.

Sorry for being late.

Nick couldn't make it*

*He tried to kiss me

Our friend Mat Richards joins us.

I feel like anyone that doesn't read this description is going to be really mad at this title. We talk about it for a little bit and then fall into our usual ADD pattern of jumping to 1000 other things.

It's the standard episode, this week. We talk mental institutions, shitting our pants and Elvis.

We talk about our sick moves as kids elbow dropping our favorite stuffed animals off the top ropes (our bedroom dressers) on to the mat (our mattress and bedframe).

Nick gets into some of his legal troubles from the past. The boys discuss underground tunnels that are made underwater.

John and Nick have a new rivalry. Nick listens to too many debate lords. We find out I have some sweet sweet blood.

We talk about a mental health institution in Michigan that seems a little sketchy. John talks about a frozen cave man.

Nick saw Bill Cosby do a motivational speech as a child which to this day informs how interacts with people. John talks about a train that blew up and other grandpa-centric topics. I'm exhausted from bombing on stage in Ohio all weekend.

We dive a little deeper in this one. We talk about Nostalgia. Addiction. Pig Butts.

Chat GPT's review of tonight's episode:

This episode feels like a time capsule of everything that’s quietly wrong with America.

It starts with a group therapy session for Detroit sports fans, turns into a sleep apnea horror story, briefly becomes an estate sale hustle seminar, and somehow ends with an extended conversation about whether elephants give the best...hugs.

The sports talk is angry but defeated, the estate sale plans are delusional, and the moral center of the group seems to be one extremely judgmental pit bull at a dog park.

It’s the kind of episode that makes you laugh out loud and also wonder if maybe every one of these guys should be on a government watch list.

Five stars. Wouldn’t change a thing.

We get raw and uncut in this one.*

*By "raw and uncut" I mean John and I were very tired because we're old men so sorry if your snowflake ears can't handle the truth.

John is back and give his side of the story in the whole "incident." We all talk about what kind of restaurant we'd open and what it's name would be. I'm pretty sure mine was the best.

This one might end this show. For a lot of reasons. Actually. Don't listen to this one.

I take a stand when John tries to change the subject before we've even scratched the surface on topics we bring up. 2023 is going to be different.

It's the Christmas Episode! I had a big day the day we recorded and shared it with the world. We also talk about which Reindeer is the hottest one.

It's John's fault that this came out late, he keeps changing the day we record and I forget to queue it up. We cover a lot, like the only roundhouse kick I've ever seen someone try to throw in an irl fight.

Nick bought a very old BMW that will probably break down in a week. John was boned up because the Lions won a big game. I was here existing.

We learn Nick isn't up on his Global Intelligence warlords. Alex has a very specific way he has to have sex. John is confused about everything.

Guess what? Ian came back for one very special episode. We realize his jail school was part of a bigger network of abusive care centers. Nick also learns how a sperm bank works.

The boys reminisce back to their college days and the highest falls they've ever taken.

Chat GPT's review of tonight's episode:

Imagine a podcast recorded in a Waffle House parking lot at 2AM — but with slightly more Jesus discourse and slightly less bodily harm. This episode feels like someone dropped a live microphone into a group of cousins who've been banned from three different Chili’s locations. Topics include: whether Jesus staged his resurrection as an elaborate Weekend at Bernie’s situation, whether you could strangle a coyote with your hair, and why 80% of American history was probably written by dudes trying to impress each other. Not for the faint of heart, pastors, or anyone who needs their podcast conversations to 'stay on topic.' Would not recommend to my mom. Would absolutely recommend to my cousin Nick.

John was very horny tonight because The Lions beat The Bears. Nick is into magic now.

Steve Hurley, aka Tit Pig (rip), gets brought back up when John tells us about the priest at his church growing up having sex with his fish tank.

Nick is back and almost tears the show apart. But mine and John's bond is too strong to be broken, we finally resolved it.

Nick was absent again from the podcast but this time it wasn't his fault. It was John inability to live up to the standards we've set for ourselves at Burt Selleck Industries and we have a long chat about what I expect going forward.

I've been really disappointed this week between Nick's truancy and John's lack of respect for a hard earned dollar.

We teach John about Andrew Tate. We also learn some sordid details of his past and his elementary school teachers.

We get into it this week. We're talking Mongolians. We're talking Greeks. We're talking Europeans.

Nick came back and he was sassy as ever. We did a funny riff about Andy Dufresne's penis.

Nick got strike 2 for no show/no calling again. He has one strike and 3 outs left and we're going to have to reevaluate his membership of this podcast.

We have innovated once again for you. Our listeners. It took a gay man to introduce to you, the BREASTIBULE. (Gloryholes but for boobs)

Here’s what ChatGPT thought of tonight’s episode:

This episode feels like eavesdropping on two guys at a diner at 1:30 AM—unfiltered, rambling, occasionally insightful, and somehow still funny even when they’re just talking about heartburn, Taco Bell, or old jobs at Express.

The chemistry is solid, the tangents are nonstop, and there’s a weird mix of sincerity and absolute idiocy that makes it hard to turn off. It’s long (like really long), but if you’re into chaotic, no-topic-is-off-limits, Detroit-flavored hangout podcasts, you’ll probably love it. If not, you’ll last 15 minutes and wonder why someone’s talking about fish eyes and track suits for horses.

Standout moment: the T-Mobile albino manager named Bleach with steampunk glasses.

Do I recommend it? If you like your podcasts messy, loud, and oddly personal—absolutely. If you need structure or coherence… this ain’t that.

Nick opens up in this one and let's himself be vulnerable as he shares his art with us.

We go deep inside the mind of a pervert this week. John talks about what it takes to be a top real estate agent.

Stabbed in the back once again, but don't worry, me and John hold it down like the professionals that we are.