In this episode of SPFPP, we continue our discussion on what nonmonogamy can teach those practicing monogamy. Our guest reflects on how nonmonogamous relationships gave her permission to explore being single and reshaped her approach to emotional availability and intentionality in her relationships. We also discuss how having clear communication and aligned values became key takeaways that improved her monogamous connections. This conversation is part of an ongoing series exploring how nonmonogamous practices can enhance monogamous relationships.

In this episode, we dive deep into the complexities of relationships, focusing on conversations monogamous people need to be having—conversations often expected in non-monogamous relationships. Joined by a fellow herpes advocate, we explore topics such as ghosting, age differences, manipulation, and the impact of stigma on our self-esteem. We discuss the fear of disclosure, the importance of accountability, and how unhealthy relationships can sometimes divert our attention from what truly matters. Our guest shares insights from her journey through the kink community and how it shaped her communication skills, ultimately leading to a healthy marriage. We introduce the idea that the real challenge in relationships isn’t always finding someone else but learning to be vulnerable and open in communication. Stay tuned for part 2, where we’ll continue this important conversation!

Join us in this enlightening episode of "Something Positive for Positive People," where we sit down with Dr. Nazanin Moali, renowned clinical psychologist and host of the Sexology Podcast. Dr. Moali brings her deep insights into the mental health challenges and dating dynamics faced by individuals living with herpes. Through her expert lens, we explore the profound effects of STI stigma, offering both understanding and evidence-based strategies to navigate these complex emotional landscapes. Whether you're dealing with herpes personally or supporting someone who is, this episode promises valuable perspectives to help reduce stigma and enhance emotional well-being.

Our guest Kevin speaks to his personal experiences as someone who just wants to connect and has a genuine interest in vulnerability. We share some of his experiences with the men he was sexually active with before his herpes diagnosis and how that shifted for him AFTER his diagnosis. What I love most about his podcast episode is that he never speaks to identifying AS anything in terms of a label, but his existence describes it for him to where he didn't have to explain a damn thing. I want each of you to take a page out of Kevin's book, or a clip out of his podcast episode . . . That's more accurate lol. Labels are copouts for people doing the work of getting to know us. Let's start living out loud as ourselves and minimize the explanations of our existence.

This is a very important podcast episode for me. The reason is, that I am getting out of my own way and allowing myself to receive for once. It's been a very egoic thing for me to assume people will do for me just because I'm "good" or they "like" me, when the reality is that I'm running a business and enabling people to take advantage of me/my time/my business, while hindering the evolution and impact of it. This episode is the transition point between how things WERE and how they ARE. I really can't be replicating free information I've already put time into through this podcast/non profit/surveys/events/etc. in 1-1 conversations anymore with folks who haven't demonstrated investment to SPFPP. This means donations, sharing of content, showing up at the free events I put together, and any other offering of participation to engage that isn't necessarily exclusively aligned with your convenience. I realize I've enabled people to "take" from me and the organization, and now with that, I have to take responsibility for my role in that I haven't asked you all for what I and SPFPP need for you to even give. This episode does all the explaining about my intention, where to find free information and how we'll engage moving forward if we're in contact. I wanna thank you in advance for respecting my decision here as things move forward.

After some challenging reflections I have to put my ego to the side and begin to run this business like a business. Yes it's a non profit, but I see the impact in relation to where other . . . less impactful organizations are providing less and receiving more investment from us. The changes are going to be better for myself and the SPFPP community as it exists now and how it will later. I realize I've enabled people in various ways and I've also enabled myself to stay stuck. Effective immediately, we are all going to be doing better and challenging ourselves, removing the obstacles in our way from living the life we choose.

Launched in February 2020 3 months after encountering a fallen angel, the blessing of HSV bestowed upon our podcast guest today has become the catalyst fueling tens of thousands of women around the world. What Safe Slut stands for is self-empowerment through sexual expression. Safe Slut joins SPFPP to share her story being diagnosed with genital HSV-2 and how she was able to lean into this insecurity and make it literally one of the best things that's ever happened for her. Check out her Onlyfans and other social media accounts! Stay Slutty! :p Instagram: @Safe.Slut Instagram Backup: @safe.Slutt Tiktok: Safe.Slut Twitter: @Safe_Slut Patreon: www.patreon.com/safeslut Onlyfans: @herpes.witch YouTube: Safe Slut

Jamie Cawelti is the Executive Director of Sex Positive World, and runs Given Consent! I asked Jamie to join us for a workshop for folks living with herpes as a way of introducing them to the self-reflective tools and support resources people struggle to find their way to, but are always thankful they found them. So much of the non-sex components of sex are presented in this community. We often go straight into looking for a partner or avoiding disclosures. What I present here is a much safer space where practicing saying no, disclosing, and learning what you want so you can ask for it is really beneficial. This space offers something I haven't found in support groups, and it isn't exclusive to people with herpes, it's a mixed back of what you may need to support your healing through community. www.sexpositiveworld.org www.givenconsent.com @Givenconsent on socials STARS Workbook: www.maketimeforthetalk.com

I get tested for HIV, chlamydia, ghonnorea, syphillis (actually I didn't for this one because I was recently tested for that one), hepatitis c (which is on the rise) with Pivot Health here in Portland, Oregon! Listen to the process here on this episode of SPFPP!

When you spend so long in an identity that's safe for you, what happens is you attempt to become that person. I became Honmychest not realizing it was supposed to serve a purpose of just getting me through the villanry that is stigma. I downplayed and forgot how to be me. I'm figuring that out more for myself now as I navigate things I want to do for me using the Tony Stark and Iron Man comparison because we're so similar. I made my stigma suit, honmychest because that was the hero I needed when diagnosed. But really that's the suit, and I'm the pilot of it, meaning I have to practice being me, not the creator of the hero, but the hero myself as that's how strongly I identify with it. Enjoy this one! It's kinda deep!

The Iron Man Suit served Tony Stark very well to get him out of the unfortunate circumstance he was in. It definitely saved his life, but more importantly, outside looking in, it changed his life. When you take a much deeper look though, I am willing to argue that the suit didn't do anything at all. The creation of it came from Tony himself because he was present to his circumstances and out of recognition of his own needs, the Iron Man suit and persona was born. I've been struggling with integrating Honmychest into who I am as Courtney Brame, and all this time the answer was right here. I don't need to integrate something that came from within me. I need to remember that this creation served a purpose as a result of a situation I was present for, and recognized I had to become something more than what I believed myself capable of being in that moment. That moment has gone on for 5 years. 5 years of me challenging my beliefs of what I was capable of through the the experiences I had as honmychest only to realize none of those were possible without Courtney. Honmychest did for me what the Iron Man Suit did for Tony Stark. It was a pathway to Self. I ain't gathering infinity stones or anything like that, but I can confidently say that my Selfed path through the Honmychest suit has served its purpose as I explore one less external to cultivate my self image.

I visited home for 10 days and got to witness the challenge of being who I am or reverting back to who I think others think I am. I had an interesting handful of experiences. I will say, I cannot wait to get back to Portland though and develop a new routine incorporating journaling into it as well. This trip home empowered me to revisit family, friendship, and my relationship to myself.

Jessica Werner is an Ohio public health worker who recently through her efforts to advocate for uterus owners of color, LGBT community members, masturbation as STD Prevention and contraception was terminated from her place of employment for being sex positive. We talk a lot about censorship on social media regularly to the point of having to change spelling and wording to talk about sex education in order for it to maintain visibility on the social platforms. I'm active most on Instagram and see sex educators facing just having their content removed or not visible, but Jessica was fired for literally doing her job. There's a political agenda for what STD Prevention efforts are supposed to look like even at Government funding awarded organizations for them to . . . do their jobs? I don't even know anymore. Jessica was interviewed by media outlets and those are linked in the show notes. Sex education empowers people to take their power back through liberation of self. The status quo loses its control over the profitability of oppressed bodies when we learn that, so support a sex educator as soon as you can by uplifting their content, Venmoing if possible, and working with us when you can.

We had a great time! Be on the lookout for upcoming events regarding men's emotional wellness at www.getselfed.org.

Woo! If you liked Manifesto, you'll love Selfed. The more I speak to it, the more clearly it begins to define the healing process in a way that makes sense. The uncoupling of identity from its association is the working definition I have for selfed. Looking at life as the pursuit of wholeness with the expected pursuit to look like what society labels you and the other for your sense of fulfillment. To be able to identify that exclusively in its evolved essence . . . I can't type this in a way that doesn't sound super woo woo, so I hope that my words in this podcast communicate effectively.

I've put a pause on my social media posting for Something Positive for Positive People in order to make space for awareness of actions to take regarding the Supreme Court overturning Roe v Wade which protected people's access to abortion. Herpes conversations take the back seat because to human rights and it just doesn't feel right posting as if nothing happened, or is happening. This manifesto began as what was supposed to just be a journal entry, but it felt like things bubbling up inside me were able to come to my awareness as the pen rolled over the paper. The women around me emphasized the silence of men heavily and with some conversations, I realize there's a major distrust in the masculine on the liberal side of things, whereas the conservative side doesn't have that. Rebuilding trust in the masculine requires the masculine to be vulnerable and identify itself apart from the language we've given to it limiting it only in relation to pursuing wholeness through the reconnecting to the feminine. Now that this has made its way through me, I feel a shift that I can't describe. I feel better about reengaging on social media now.

Julian shares his struggles with addiction and his healing process while recovering in community. What I love about this episode is that we have a masculine presence here, not in the sense of in relation to the feminine or exclusively to sex. We are able to put a vulnerability lens to our displays of masculinity hopefully as an example for other men to express their emotions and healing in their own ways as well. Here's a link to the podcast on love addiction I mentioned: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/love-addiction-with-vic-mensa/id1449305737?i=1000433203421

July 21 at 6:30pm Pacific Time, MARK YOUR CALENDAR AND RSVP WITH ME! RSVP Here: https://forms.gle/MWSddcXYDahE4yqV6 There's an event coming where we can virtually commune as a way of being introduced to the world of sex-positivity. . . or Sex Positive World. Alright ya’ll, it’s here. The podcast episode I been hyping up that’s about to change the trajectory of people navigating a new herpes diagnosis! Jamie and I speak to what Sex Positive World offers and how it relates to reconnecting with (or connecting with for the first time) your own sexuality and doing so in a supportive, inclusive community space. I feel like this is the BEST thing I can do for our community directly as most of my time lately is venturing into bringing sex positivity into healthcare. I hope this directs people into sex positivity so that providers and patients can connect easier to be on the same page. Please RSVP and check out the event. See if it’s for you and go from there.

The 69 is all about perspective. I've had a healing experience that impacted me immediately because I decided to finally ask for what I needed, which is foreign to me as someone who's been disappointed so often by people. What I learned is that I've created a narrative about my beliefs that stems from thinking that I know what other people think of me and responding to that. This started with my parents. I sought out to resolve our unfinished business directly and it paid off. I hope this episode is one you find useful for wherever you are in your life experience and that if you can attempt this exercise, that you do. Since I mentioned it, the link to the intro to sex positivity will be added to THAT episode which will be episode 237. The show notes will contain a link to the google forms and you can RSVP for the event by July 20, 2022. I'll send the calendar invite about a week before but if you're interested in learning how sex positivity can be a great space for resources navigating relationships after a diagnosis, I strongly encourage you to attend the virtual meeting July 21 at 6:30pm pacific time.

There’s a difference between having needs and being needy. Asking for what you need is often also synonymous with begging, and no one wants to be a beggar, so in that, no one wants to ask others for what they need. This episode offers an opportunity to reframe how we view having needs, as well as folks’ reactions to us asking for what we need. I think neediness is synonymous with “begging” in the traditional sense of the word. In neediness, we are trying to get our needs met from others without directly asking for them to meet our needs. Having needs is just an observation. How people choose to respond to our needs request is not a rejection or reflection of us, but a reflection of their boundaries. We may be uncomfortable with asking for what we need because we’re so comfortable meeting the needs of others. So let’s practice asking for what we need where it feels safe to do so, or we can practice with high stakes like going to someone who’s historically let you down and then directly making a request from them with no attachment to whether they comply or say no. Here I share some moments where I expected to feel rejected after requesting my needs to be met by people, only to actually feel an alleviation of expectations. Let’s start being intentional about identifying our needs and then asking for them to be met before we can start covertly ask people to meet them through manipulation and neediness. Mark your calendars for July 21 at 6:30pm Pacific USA Standard time for a virtual event introducing SPFPP community members to sex positivity/sex positive world! Updates, a podcast episode, and RSVP info will follow in upcoming social media posts and podcast episodes.

The shorter the podcast episode title, the bigger the message. This is another solo episode with a real emphasis on our narratives. The unfinished business we have with our primary caregivers who nurtured us gave us experiences that allowed us to form a narrative around. This narrative becomes our beliefs. Challenging our beliefs, we begin to grieve that version of ourselves that held those narratives as true to our identities. I had an interesting experience with grief in last night's Yen Yoga class where I hyped myself up and received my own validation, however, there was a major resistance to it because in order to receive, I'd have to accept a truth that I was conditioned to reject about myself. This is an episode that absolutely reflects healing if you're up for it, or at the very least, it'll plant the seed for you because you won't be able to just unsee whatever this reflects to you. Enjoy!

I strongly recommend listening to episode 232 titled "dating" prior to listening to this episode on relationships. What I've come to learn in my 5 years running SPFPP is that the relationships that include sex are the ones that carry a significantly higher value to us when it's our friendships and other non-sexual relationships that allow for us to really be who we are. I learned that my relationships haven't worked out in the past because when you are who you are, and others can be who they are, there's this abundance of self that spills into the relationship/connection. I and my past partners haven't had that. In fact, our lack of self is what caused us to "take" from one another and "give" to each other from a place of scarcity that looks like "Here's all I have to offer" and it would be attached to an expectation. So this reciprocated taking led to a metaphorical overload as we still tried to give beyond our capacity hoping to get what we needed in order to feel "loved" and secure in the relationship. All that to say, in this episode, I came to the realization that I've struggled with this word "selfish" and confused self-care to mean that until my therapist broke it down to me. You get to hear my ah-ha moment real time when I realize that relationships are co-created by two or more people. The experience is sort of a sphere or container between them where there's reciprocal give to the interaction/relationship and then you're responsible for getting what you need from the relationship, not the person. When two people are able to, through a healthy, secure, enriching relationship, freely express themselves without their selfishness/self-care being perceived as a threat, there's an abundance of expression that just overflows into the relationship from both or all parties so that the relationship itself is abundant to where each individual is able to freely receive and give TO THE RELATIONSHIP. My example is how I "selfishly" have to maintain boundaries for myself in order to show up in the relationship that you and I have through SPFPP. This is our relationship. I selfishly talk through my experiences and express myself, and prioritize my pleasure and needs so that I'm abundantly able to leak my expression into this platform for you to get what you need from it. Your presence, engagement, support, challenging, and celebration are what I get out of this relationship AS YOU CAN GIVE TO IT, I'm not coming and seeking it directly from you which means potentially overloading YOUR capacity. This sphere is a massive ass community that I through my selfishness have cultivated. A good example is a tree. It simply does what a tree does, grow roots, eat soil, absorb water, grow toward the sun. In a tree just being a tree, it provides shade, sometimes fruit, and when it does what it does, it produces in abundance for EVERYONE else to benefit. I got that analogy from Mr. Locario along with the idea that selfishness isn't a bad thing. Something I kinda touched on unintentionally this episode was "self-rejection" so I just briefly talked about that, but will get further into that another time. I feel like that's its own episode. And lastly, why is unavailability attractive? We want to experience others, period. The quality of a person's experience is unfortunately compared to their value of where they give their attention. Someone super available all the time is invited to things and places sometimes as an afterthought, or there's this belief "Oh so and so ain't doin shit, so let's see what they're doing tonight." and that abundance of availability really doesn't make a person put any quality to the attention you give them. Now when you run a business, or volunteer, or make a lot of money, or are pursuing your passion, and others KNOW that, then there's a little more respect and value placed on your time and attention, so when they get it, there's this "Oh my god! They're making time for me with everything they have going on!!!??" appreciation for it. Actually a lot of these thoughts were sparked by Mr. Locario videos. I went down a rabbit hole on selfishness so shout out to him! Enjoy this episode and again, bring your notes!

Identifying the most recent event that triggered you in dating can often be tied to one of the first triggering dating experiences you've had. Don't try to find consistency in the situations, but instead, loo, for the consistency in emotion and you can tie it all together. I use my own dating experience lows as an example for you to work with when identifying your own patterns. I process this avoidance of rejection i've faced since childhood dating scenarios and recognize how it comes up now as I associate my identity with being @honmychest and the Founder of Something Positive for Positive People, but I also look at what dating looks like if herpes wasn't a factor. The most invalidating rejections come from one sided emotionally connecting exchanges for me, as I tend to be drawn to people who aren't available. If I intentionally "approach" those I have an interest in, I have an internalized fear there that I'm going to speak to my therapist about and explore on the podcast once I process it.

I recognize SPFPP is more of a self help podcast than a lot of other things I try to make it into. Letting the audience's needs guide the content, this episode was much needed and it really transitions well from the previous episode where we speak to athletics and what a coach/team represents. This episode touches on a lot of self-awareness/self-help jargon, so if it isn't your thing, I understand. For those who resonate with it, I hope you're able to take away what ya need and move on, and/or reach out to me if you're considering a coach and would like to connect to Clarice.

Here we answer the question about disclosing in nonmonogamy.

We conclude part 1 which we just abruptly ran out of time for considering how deep the conversation got compared to how we had intended. I wanted to speak about being former athletes and how that navigated herpes which we eventually got to organically haha, but we took a JOURNEY to get here that was unexpected but was absolutely necessary. We spoke to how athletics and the culture of sports can be a lesson of how we seek out unconsciously what's familiar to us. While we use our experience as athletes, this absolutely applies to anyone who makes decisions. I hope you enjoy this thang as much as we did recording it.

We didn’t get to the topic I wanted to discuss AT ALL about being a former athlete but I promise this is worth the listen. Our guest, Bri, discusses having moved forward with a partner who disclosed to her, they moved forward with intimacy and immediately from that ‘session’, she had her first outbreak. We talk about the emotional labor of supporting a partner through their diagnosis and symptoms, whether or not this was intentional, weaponizing herpes as a means of ‘trapping’ a partner, and how cis-het men navigate the emotional aspect of herpes stigma vs cis-het women. Part 2 is where we’ll get into concluding Bri’s story, and hopefully get to go into the bit about being a former athlete. So for ya’ll wondering how the abusive relationship ended, stay tuned. Oh Trigger warning on this one…. abuse. But we talk about identifying abuse here too.

Our guest, Chuck Copenspire and his identities Former queer life coach He/they Make corporate environments gayer, more efficient and more accessible Combining skill sets of sex work, trauma-informed, accessibility and neurodivergence DEI To chuck Creating space where an actual human can thrive without needing to pretend  Contribute true gifts- special brain and incredibly powerful when applied to the right problems Not only creating opportunities, but proactively seeking out people who think “they cannot do it” Getting out of the way and making room for other people BDSM Empowered in bossy/take no shit/boundaries part of themselves Unwillingness to consent to power dynamics that don’t make sense They need to be a respectable person, if they want respect Birth Dysphoria around default she/mama/ Brought into contrast his masculine experience Herpes HSV1 positive for 12 years, 20 when first experienced symptoms Getting comfortable with disclosure 2 or 3 rejections  Act of disclosure helped formalize consent boundaries for him Explicit consent for any bodily interactions Sexual health is mental health Shadow work/ Integration work Living in shadow is the self you were taught to hide Found BDSM spaces as a consenting space to be greedy, bossy, sadistic, silly, to be anything Regardless of BDSM element in one’s sexuality, there is inherently a shamed self who can be integrated with public presentable self Danger of not integrating- non consensually humiliating people he had crushes on Book: “Romancing the Shadow” Favorite fetish- helping straight people realize they’re gay How people react to dating him and realizing they are more queer than they thought Denial Curiosity Fear/anxiety: what will happen if they start to be gay, doing something wrong Challenging/validating/invalidating identities of people he dates Having identity challenged brings a lot up for people’s safety  Ways you feel comfortable being approached Masks w/ pronouns My identity is not validated by other people’s reception of it. It is mine and validated by me. Finding a space where he belonged In Spokane in his 20’s in drag and comedy scene Making mistakes and failures Cult Destroyed a cult Solo parenting Navigate disclosing Welcome new ppl into community, to sense if there’s the energy to disclose If a kiss might be coming, let them know I’m HSV1 positive Getting self-consent! Checking in and being a partner with his body Closing: 1 message, 3 asks Stay curious If you wanna talk to him, please do Willing to adopt a scorpion or tarantula Meet & hold a super billionaire to let them cry in his arms LinkedIn: Chuck Copenspire Instagram: your.pansexual.crisis

(Transcription available on the episode web page directly) Let me apologize in advance for the audio quality ya’ll. Liam is a firefighter and was chatting with me via FaceTime and this was the best quality we could’ve gotten for his story as someone who hasn’t tested positive for herpes who dates someone positive. We have more clear audio after a few minutes and if you make it through you won’t regret it. Liam speaks to valuing the integrity of his partner. He talks about how she disclosed to him and he found her character attractive. He didn’t feel as if he needed to have a particular reaction to her disclosure, and I thought it was interesting that he used the phrase “having an out”. I think this speaks to the importance of how we can put in so much effort presenting perfect in hopes of acceptance, but becoming exhausted over time because that isn’t a sustainable way of being with anyone, nor is it sustainable FOR anyone. While the discordant dating series has come to an end, I think we may have stumbled into a little bit of an expansion of what SPFPP is capable of providing.

Trigger Warnings of abuse, sexual assault, and some new revelations our guest Tammy had during our discussion. This can be challenging to listen to, so I encourage you to take care of yourself as you listen, or honestly maybe skip this one altogether. Abuse looks a variety of ways and what we discuss here are some identifiers of potential abuse. Again, trigger warning, abuse.

Laureen (not HD) is a trauma therapist, bikini competitor, East coaster, and a human who has experienced excessive bullying for most of her life for various reasons. I wanna preface this episode by asking that you respect her bravery in making herself accessible to people by not making any comments about her physical appearance please. It was amazing that she offered us her story and the vulnerability that came with it. Now that’s out of the way . . . As a Bikini Competitor, Laureen had what became realized as her first outbreak while on stage in a competition. There was a sense of denial with the initial symptoms which she went to the ER for not once or twice, but 3 times where she was treated for the common, curable STIs because they thought that was the cause of her discomfort/symptoms. She was able to focus on her show by just pushing this all down. She eventually received a diagnosis and meds to treat the symptoms and outbreak, but still sort of navigated the denial stage of grief. Connect with Laureen on Instagram @__Laureen (that's two underscores before her name)

Planned Parenthood Columbia Willamette in Portland, Oregon joins us for a conversation that taught me a few things I hadn't known before. For instance, I was completely unaware that after you receive treatment from a healthcare facility, you can make an appointment to ask questions. I don't know why but I absolutely thought appointments were exclusively for treatment, not education. Lena and Olivia were great to learn from and give us further insight to how Planned Parenthood services can be utilized by patients. The more we're able to exchange dialogue about stigmatized topics, the less stigmatized they become. With education and the expectation of communication (wow what a sentence), we can inspire allyship in our surrounding communities. This includes our sexual partners, our peers, friends, families, health care providers, media personalities/influencers. This sense of allyship can serve as a catalyst for folks to feel supported in their own dissolution of internalized stigma not just with their own sexual health, but even communicating ABOUT sexual health altogether.

We close out the Discordant Dating series of Something Positive for Positive People with Jesse. Jesse is someone who experienced an oral herpes outbreak and speaks to having learned from an extensive dialogue between him and his doctor. We talk about disclosing or not disclosing oral herpes vs genital herpes. It’s not that there’s a misconception that there’s something different. I am learning that there’s a consistency in that people generally have a discomfort speaking about sex in general. Taking it a little deeper, it’s likely about just not knowing what it’s like to have/live with or have had people share their herpes status with them in the past, you know? This episode highlights just how important education is when it comes to oral herpes (and obviously sex education in general). But how our guest speaks to his experience with his friends during his oral herpes outbreaks speaks to how stigma remains prevalent. We all know someone who has herpes, and THAT needs to be an ongoing narrative as it is more reflective of society than “Everybody has herpes”. It also invalidates the lived experiences of people who have herpes, disclose and are judged by people unaware of their status or who don’t have herpes. Adding to that, the people who have or get cold sores but don’t know they’re herpes contribute to this too. Cold sores are herpes. You hear it straight from our guest here.

We speak to many aspects of assessing compatibility. For instance, if someone lives too far, and you’re unwilling to commute 45 minutes to visit, and that’s your dealbreaker then that has nothing to do with a person just not a fit for something important to you like closeness. That’s one example to be considered when deciding who’s worth the “risk” if you will. Looking at the Pandemic, we make ongoing choices day in and day out as we interact with others to decide who’s worth it if we get Covid from them. The same rules apply with sex and STIs, and then we have to look at HSV. I think we need to see compatibility as compatibility and non-negotiables non-negotiables.

That phrase, ignorance is bliss has officially been cancelled. It’s ignorance that perpetuates stereotypes that keep unfavorable circumstances of the status quo uplifted. In this case, the status quo being that we don’t speak about the reality of potentially having already been exposed to herpes far before we either have someone share their positive status with us, or we present symptoms ourselves. How we respond to these scenarios is a direct reflection of how knowledgeable we are about not just herpes, not just sexual health, but also humanness of the human condition. Paul is the symptom-free/negative half of a discordant relationship. At 51 years old, he speaks from wisdom of lived experiences that revolve around maturity and emotional intelligence. So what is it that made him decide to move forward when his partner shared her positive HSV status with him? It’s easy, knowledge. This wasn’t our guest’s first rodeo with a partner who was positive for herpes, but it was the second rodeo where a partner had disclosed that to him. He values the vulnerability that comes with sharing a positive HSV status over the risk of transmission. I ask him some real questions such as “are you prepared to receive a diagnosis or have initial symptoms?” and he answered truthfully. No one willingly went out and chased down herpes. We all just ended up being exposed and having symptoms, or we are exposed. What I think I’m coming up with in these conversations is that it’s important to change the way we have conversations about connecting in general. If your values don’t align for whatever the nature of the connection with another person, whether short term or long term, don’t waste anyone’s time. Everyone can go their separate ways in pursuit of what IS in line with their values and also have a much more pleasant interaction.

If you missed the conference, you’ll be able to view the recordings for purchase here: https://spfpp.org/conferences but here’s a podcast recapping the conference and going a little into what you may have missed. If you attend, please come back to the conference feedback form to give us feedback on how we can continue to improve not only this conference but also future data and events moving forward as we strive to minimize stigma!

To this day, a Pandemic, a new baby, and ongoing sexual relations with a herpes positive partner are all seemingly nothing in the grand scheme of being clear on his values and bigger picture. Knowing what you want, AND being confident enough to say whether or not someone has the potential of providing that for you is really where the magic is. Are YOU willing to do something different to get something you’ve never had before? Does the person in front of you presenting this disclosure support your values and integrity? Do you want the same things over the same time frame? Is this about short term or ongoing engagement? Take these kinds of things into consideration when choosing a partner PERIOD. This isn’t about herpes, this is about decisiveness. It’s about clarity on remaining integral to your values and beliefs. No one “has it all together”. But we can damn sure align ourselves with people who WANT to.

Here we have the first of what I hope to be many shared experiences of people who have dated someone living with herpes while not having had symptoms or tested positive themselves. Our guest Laura shares what her experience has been dating someone non monogamously for more than a year. On this episode we chat about how she received her partner’s status share as something sexy given the vulnerability that comes with sharing something so intimate. We also speak to how his confidence and communication skills may have contributed heavily to her decision to move forward compared to if he wasn’t confident disclosing his status to her. Another thing that came up in this portion of the podcast is her placing more value on their compatibility with one another as a whole rather than just on the potential limitations herpes may put on their potential for uninhibited sex. It’s cool to hear Laura’s side of things and I hope this podcast can serve as a useful resource to discordantly dating couples where one person is positive for HSV whereas the other is negative or unaware of their status. Laura also speaks to advocating for her health with her doctor. As someone who is knowledgeable of health care providers’ resistance to herpes testing thanks to Dr. Evelin Dacker’s resources, Laura knew what to say and how to say it in order to get a herpes test for herself regardless of its accuracy. Laura’s experience is not to be reflective of every negative person in a discordant relationship. This is just something to expand our perspective. I hope the cluster of stories and experiences put together in this series not only encourage confidence for those who have a positive status to share, but also for people who are gathering information after having a positive status shared with them to just be receptive to allyship when it comes to herpes stigma.

Knowing what it means to date outside your race/culture including how social dynamics play a role in how we interact with one another is something that can be assessed over time, or it can be discussed through direct communication. Jennifer speaks to developing an apathetic attitude toward some of the ignorance she’s experienced over the years, and decides who’s worth the emotional labor to call in for a conversation about why some things said are not okay. We also discuss revisiting a herpes disclosure after a person has made the choice to move forward. Jennifer shares the perspective of having to acknowledge the realness of herpes which means having to tell partners she’s having an outbreak. Think of the comfort created over time. You’ve worked through the nerves that come with sharing your status to this potential partner. Time passes and you’re both in a good place about it then you have to pause sexual activities. The conversation kind of has to come up again. Jennifer shares how she’s navigated that with partners as well. For 65% off the yearly pass for our new sponsor, Beducated by following the link and entering coupon code SPFPP: http://beducate.me/spfpp

As I've been applying for grants/funding and experiencing rejection on a regular basis, I've come to realize through this series of recordings that I'm trying to fit in to places where I'm not blank enough. I'm not queer enough, black enough, or manly enough to belong in those spaces. This translates into SPFPP because it isn't enough about sex, mental health, or herpes to receive funding from places that on the surface make sense for it. It isn't blank enough to fit in because I'm not blank enough to fit in. And it took for me to realize this in order to once again reconnect with MY core and allow what radiates from it to be focused into the core of what I invest energy into. The Question mark in the center of the triangle graphic for this "Belonging Series" represents who I am. I'm someone who's lived experiences that covered that core. My healing process is deconstructing those identifiers and labels so that I can reconnect with my core and therefore let what aligns with it align with it. SPFPP is a suicide prevention resource at its core. I keep applying for sex/mental health/herpes related grants and the rejections are invalidating to me because they are. I keep trying to find community in herpes spaces, with men, in queer spaces, with other black people seeking out where my identity will be validated, and I'm only finding myself realizing I'm not blank enough to belong. Support our sponsors please: Visit http://beducate.me/spfpp and use code SPFPP to get 65% off your yearly subscription starting at just $9.99 a month!

Dr. Rob joins us in this series of Belonging as I just decided to name it. We discuss aspects of identity from a bit of a clinical perspective, in addition to my sharing of my experiences as I make out what Queerness means to me in relation to my Blackness. The title of Performative Blackness comes into place as a representation of MY Black experience, and is NOT to be assumed as every person of Blackness’ experience, so as you listen, please keep that in mind. I mention that I do believe people sometimes forget I’m a Black man and that while I wish I could reject society’s expectations and stereotypes for what that means, I still present in this way which means no matter what you hope for me, there are certain survival mechanisms I have to implement in order to be considered nonthreatening. As someone who dates outside my race, I have to be mindful that my partners are aware of MY Blackness not being the same kind of experience they may have had with other partners who have Black skin. It’s different but the same in many ways. We speak more to this in the podcast episode.

Two straight black dudes talk about queerness with curiosity. We not only discuss our relationships to queerness, but also our blackness and our manliness. This episode is in a way, a bat signal for those who can relate to the topic of these intersecting and at the same time conflicting. Patric and I talk about being black but not the right kind of black, being men but not in the traditional sense of what expressions of manliness is experienced like, and then by what our initial thoughts of queerness were, feeling like we don’t belong in that space either. Follow Patric on Instagram @pbrown_the_aeon

Here's a practical exercise to get to the core of your being through challenging and chizzling away at the social norms projected onto us. These projected identities are not who we are but who others think we are, and we play the role accordingly, UNLESS we challenge these. When we begin to challenge them, we transcend the meaning of the labels and expectations. Trimming away others' expectations of us is how we get to our core of being. Identification comes with conflict of belonging and not belonging and that struggle ought to guide us in the direction of BEING rather than performing for approval to associate according to our identities.

This episode highlights the bigger picture for SPFPP and its audience, volunteers, supporters, and gives donors understanding of what’s happening as spoken by one of our partners, a therapist supporting people living with herpes. This is what our donations work towards. This is where my bigger picture effort goes. The day to day discipline, consistency, ups and downs that you may or may not see. . . This is what keeps my motivation high. I can blow through symptoms of burnout because I so clearly see a future for this organization that streamlines a process for individuals to dissolve stigma within themselves by taking their own conceptions of themselves, and be willing to look at, feel, and heal the perceived brokenness that comes with the trauma of a herpes diagnosis. Time doesn’t heal all. It simply mends what is as it is. Don’t outsource doing the work to doing nothing but letting the pain settle in. Use this as an opportunity to reconstruct your identity from the shattered pieces of your identity. You got this! For 65% off the yearly pass for our new sponsor, Beducated by following the link and entering coupon code SPFPP: http://beducate.me/spfpp

Kim has been an admin for some of the alternative social support groups you’ve heard me talk about, or you’ve seen me post footage of on Instagram whenever I’ve been able to make it out. She speaks to her experience not only serving the community behind the scenes as an administrator and event planner, but as a member of them as well. Some people don’t need the services offered by Something Positive for Positive People. Maybe they already listen to the podcast, have a therapist, don’t struggle with disclosure, but just need something they can’t speak to. I recommend checking into these social support communities. They’ve added to my own confidence being open about my status. They also contribute to my “why” in a way. Knowing so many people wish they could do more but can’t due to the chokehold stigma has on some of us. With every sharing of status, with every support system tapped into, we create allies. Those allies begin to advocate for us in spaces we don’t feel safe to. The greater the allyship, the softer the stigma. To get connected to these social support groups, hit me up. I’m most accessible via Instagram @honmychest.

When we stand against the stigmatization of people, that’s the win in itself. We neglect the win that comes from challenging our own internalized stigma when we do something as simple as putting a friend in their place for making an offensive joke perpetuating the negative mental health impacts of a person struggling with their sexuality and sexual health. This allyship extends in the media. When influencers, celebrities and media leaders make a joke that invalidates the identities and experiences of people facing the day to day challenges of stigma, each time we speak against that, we welcome in allyship. I genuinely believe allyship will be the thing that most minimizes the unknowing transmission of herpes, thus less people thrown off by social stigma to the point of poor mental health status. That’s another conversation though. Suzanne was married TEN YEARS and it was when she exited her marriage that she began a relationship with someone new that she discovered her status. Herpes didn’t make her lower her self-worth or standards. In fact it raised them for her. Being a high value, empowered woman in the dating world is a challenge, but when you have your standards high, you minimize your exposure to the BS. The question becomes not who accepts me, but who do I accept? The awareness of sexual health practices in a partner has now become a high priority in her relationship choices. The toxic potential of being with someone who just says “I’ll still sleep with you even though you have herpes” is through the roof, and we should be aware of more compatibilities before moving forward. What I love most about my talk with Suzanne is how she speaks to the green flags to look for after disclosure. Communication, directness, receptiveness to mature conversations like speaking about sexual health practices are some sure-fire signs for potential in a partner. There’s more communication to look to beyond herpes status. What other compatibilities do we have with one another? What are some incompatibilities? Don’t tell people what they want to hear in order to get what you want. Instead, be honest. Two people who don’t know what they want is better than two people acting like they do for the sake of the interaction.

In episode 336 of Something Positive for Positive People, titled "Disclosing for a Lover," we delve into the complex dynamics of non-monogamous relationships where herpes is present. This discussion explores how individuals can ethically disclose their partner’s herpes status to new potential partners, ensuring privacy and respect are maintained. We unpack the challenges of navigating such disclosures without outing the person they represent, offering practical advice and insights for managing this sensitive situation with integrity and care. Tune in to hear from experts and community members who share their experiences and strategies for ethical communication in non-monogamous settings.

Instagram’s own KLongFit joins us to share her experience diagnosed at 19 with HSV1 genitally. Having grown up in a religious, Christian household, Katelyn speaks to how hearing “don’t have sex” from her mom contributed to her own shame around sex and how it impacted her behavior. She went many sexual encounters not disclosing to partners unconsciously looking for the hero she found two years into her diagnosis who has now been her partners for 5 years and has not shown any symptoms of HSV. This wasn’t a smooth transition as he was also someone she hadn’t disclosed to initially. She was outed at the dinner table by her sister’s bitter ex boyfriend who happened to overhear when Katelyn disclosed to her sister. This led to a necessary, and long delayed disclosure to the man she’d been with for 2 years at this point. We speak to her evolution on how herpes was what changed the course of her life along with Shoshanna Raven’s Living Brave community. Self-reflecting, journaling, and being forced into having to confront not only not having disclosed to her partner, but also the underlying emotions associated with it all. You should listen to this podcast period. This isn’t FOR any particular group of people. I think this helps us empathize with those who struggle with disclosure and have compassion for them as they don’t have the know how or resources to navigate the sigma until someone is able to pull them in for support or point them in the right direction of community. Allyship is so key. Stigma prevents us from establishing this within our social circles and community settings. We can minimize or even prevent instances like Katelyn’s experience if we lean into that minor discomfort of sharing our HSV status with people and share some of what we’ve learned having to navigate the inconsistency of available resources. I’ll do my part being louder about this being a healing resource for people struggling with herpes stigma and welcome in allies. We reference her article on Elephant Journal. Here’s the link to that if you want to read her story: www.elephantjournal.com/?p=2548654

First thing’s first, I did end up not getting ghosted ha! Kelsy started her herpes journey on Herpbler and was inspired by Ella Dawson’s anonymous profile there. Kelsy became loud in her personal life and on social media about her herpes status. She shares a story about having flown out to meet with a guy she had been talking to. He introduced her to 25ish of his friends. They were intimate and the sex was average. Not getting oral is NOW a boundary for her, but she made an exception because he checked the boxes. He said he just needed time to be comfy with it. He got real quiet on her after the visit was over and she wondered why. He eventually shared he wasn’t comfortable with her having herpes and he’s a nurse too so he had the information. We discuss how to navigate people saying they’re okay with us having herpes and then later not being okay with it. Managing the emotional labor with boundaries is key. They might already have herpes, but they just don’t know because of how tricky testing is as well as all the misinformation that’s out there making it challenging. So how do we REALLY know who’s okay with us having herpes? We don’t, man. It’s unfortunate but we are always taking a chance with someone. So all we can do is measure people’s actions and the consistency of that alongside their words. People are willing to unlearn stigma for themselves. We have to trust that. What having herpes REALLY means is the same thing for any other condition. We learn to give our body the best opportunity to operate at its natural capacity. A health condition creates a baseline for us to work with. As herpes is a highlight to an underlying trigger, we speak to Kelsy’s suicide ideation after her diagnosis. We also speak to her fear of abandonment and the narrative “What’s wrong with me?” as the topic when not being chosen given one’s weight of your value as it relates to your herpes diagnosis. Having herpes added to her security in herself only because she was willing to explore this within herself. Accepting my status doesn’t mean you’re a good person, and rejecting my status doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Don’t put all that weight onto someone accepting your diagnosis to the point where you overlook the red flags and other incompatibilities. Not wanting herpes is perfectly fine. Hell, I didn’t want herpes and here I am. It’s ok to not want herpes, what’s not ok is invalidating the wholeness of a person. I think this is an excellent follow up from episode 208 where I talk about '“lowering my voice” when it comes to having herpes and sharing what I do to keep those around me comfortable. It isn’t brave to be loud about our status, it’s confronting internalized stigma that is. I know I personally have some work to do around that for sure. Talking about sex is challenging and not “normal”. Filtering in people receptive to sexual health communication through sex positivity and people’s relationship to mental health leads to a higher likelihood of a positive disclosure and much more pleasant interaction. We get to a point where we have to stop caring so much about what other people think in the short term for the sake of our own bigger picture of wholeness. We discuss how we can benefit from communicating about past challenges in relationships. Having the sexual health talk should be just as normal as speaking about past relationships. Another thing to consider is how we look at compatibilities outside just herpes status? She also shared an experience she had disclosing her status to a health care worker who hadn’t known their herpes information. They were unaware that HSV1 can be genital story. WE ARE THE EXPERTS OF OUR EXPERIENCES! Take the opportunities to share experiences where it’s safe to do so for ya! Look at who has herpes that we’re NOT hearing from! Most people are okay with their status, don’t know or it just isn’t an issue for them. The younger folks navigating stigma correctly! They’re communicating, utilizing resources, becoming empowered far earlier than those before us. Now we have Safe Slut, Positively Positive, Shana Singleton, etc. TikTok… the list goes on. The end of stigma isn’t a universal ending of stigma. It comes at an individual level to be shared as needed and within the communities of those who’ve ended it within themselves. For Kelsy, it took 6-7 years to hit up a therapist in regards to the trauma that came from the relationship/person who gave her herpes. Empowerment and taking care of yourself is asking people about their status despite being someone positive in their status. Value yourself! Having a support system, their friend, and resources helped her not end her life. Follow Kelsy on Instagram @herp3tic Goddess

Adrial Dale has had herpes 10-15 years ( After a while you just kinda throw out a window) and he is the founder of H Opportunity. We actually connected back in 2019 at SXSW in Austin, Texas. Adrial made the slides for the “Making Disclosure Sexy” talk I did with Ashley Manta, the Cannasexual and Laura Aisha from the Ignite Intimacy podcast. We connected recently over this herpes stat sheet he created in 2014 that’s been circulating in the herpes support groups I’m part of. The information is clearly outdated and I challenged people to challenge that information when they come across it. Since then, Adrial has updated that information and it can be found on his site, H Opportunity. Swimming in stigma, Adrial sought out information that demonstrated the likelihood of him having a healthy sex-life post-diagnosis. He was cheated on by his partner and admits to being someone to make fun of people with herpes until he was diagnosed himself. His experience made him ask the question, “What stories are you telling yourself as a person with herpes?”. Alone, Googling herpes gives us a lot of assumptions and so many inconsistencies. During this episode, we look at a herpes diagnosis is the shovel that unearths what was already there for us! Self worth is associated with the feelings around our diagnosis. Courage is a choice. Those of us open about our status aren’t brave, we’re privileged. It’s those of us who choose to look at and deal with it are the brave ones. Hitting rock bottom can be motivation enough to begin to take a look at what it means to be courageous. Adrial’s journey really kicked off when he joined a support group THEN lead one. Seeing others like you makes navigating this a lot easier. I see people jump into offering support before having gotten it themselves and there’s a number of different ways that can go. It’s important to understand what people are going through before you try and say you have a solution for them. I often speak to this personally. I liked myself more around people who knew nothing about me except that I have herpes than I did around people who knew everything about me BUT that I had herpes. Take inventory on the version of yourself you like more. Do you like yourself more around those who KNOW you have herpes and nothing else about you or those who DON’T. Ask yourself this, “If herpes wasn’t what happened to you, then what would the trigger for change have been?”. Connection through pain/grief like “oh shit you too!?” offers a felt sense of deeper connection. Grieving our sexual selves after an STI diagnosis and the identity of our sexuality in the present and future or dwelling on what it used to be. We are all grieving when we’ve experienced intense emotion after a trauma. This healing can serve as rocket fuel for self-growth through acceptance. Embrace your WHOLE self, herpes and whatever else knowing it makes you stronger and more connected to yourself and those around you! The ideal time to disclose is where sex convo overlaps into what it looks like with one another. It applies to hookups and slower developing connections. Sometimes disclosing our herpes status can be a shortcut to vulnerability and surefire connection. Get clear on what info you want and look for that, but don’t get stuck on it. Look at the stats broken down and the impact it plays on your mental health until you find the aha moment. We need more information on barrier sex vs skin to skin contact sex rather than male to female sex as if we only do it for reproduction. Vulva to vulva sex is happening, and “use a condom” just doesn’t apply to this kind of sexual interaction. I really want to emphasize how importance it is to challenge the available information about HSV. While we ARE the resource, we’re not perfect. We only have what’s available to us and what others share with us, but challenge it to your lived experience and in spaces you feel safe to. Have some general foundational knowledge from the research as you look through/at stats for yourself. As we put our experiences out there, we learn the commonality. Connect with Adrial at https://www.herpesopportunity.com/