Explorez tous les épisodes du podcast Sex, Love, and Addiction
| Titre | Date | Durée | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Part 2: Couples Make it Work Only When I Do My Part with Dr. Geoff Goodman | 12 Sep 2024 | 00:30:28 | |
Dr. Rob continues his conversation with Dr. Geoff Goodman about the power of the 12 Step program, which worked for Geoff when nothing else did. Finding an effective therapist who can support you and your partner requires so much more than just delving into the past - it requires making demands and setting goals that you can realistically achieve as you move forward. One huge component of recovery for both you and your partner is finding the right support groups. If the first one isn’t a good fit, don’t give up, keep trying until you are surrounded by people who can lift you up, whether you are the recovering addict or the spouse!
TAKEAWAYS: [1:30] The power of the 12 Step program, for Geoff, is that it works. [3:18] Understanding the why behind your addiction won’t automatically shift your behavior. [8:50] Effective therapists will help addicts beyond simply understanding their past. [11:28] If you’re acting out sexually in ways that are ruining your life, your therapist can help! [13:35] Addiction recovery does not equate to relationship therapy. [16:02] How might spouses consider self-examination without feeling blamed for their spouse’s addiction? [19:45] Finding needed support when finances and resources don’t allow it. [24:26] “I don’t belong there”- how to find the right support group for you.
RESOURCES: Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
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| Part 1: Couples Make it Work Only When I Do My Part with Dr. Geoff Goodman | 05 Sep 2024 | 00:29:46 | |
Dr. Rob welcomes back podcast guest Dr. Geoff Goodman for a conversation about the impact that addiction has on relationships. He offers insights into the struggle of not only the addict, but of their partner as well, and shares his experience with falling in love with a woman who did not know that he was an addict. Some partners are more supportive and involved while others appear to be disinterested or even disgusted and fed up. No matter what scenario you’re in, there is hope for finding a life beyond addiction, together.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:24] What people don’t understand about addicts, from the partner perspective. [3:56] Dr. Geoff revealed his own sex addiction to his partner long before they were married. [6:30] From a spouse’s point of view, learning about addiction can feel like a bait and switch. [7:50] ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ only works for so long in a committed relationship. Even the ‘right one’ can’t resolve a loved one’s addiction. [10:15] Willing yourself out of addictive behavior has a very short success rate. [11:22] When enough is enough, there is hope for addicts. [12:46] Addiction prevents partners from being fully committed to each other, both in and out of the bedroom. [16:40] Reading literature about porn addiction can help a partner understand what you are going through. [18:46] Your partner knows better than anyone what you are going through in recovery. [19:39] Geoff’s career of treating sex addicts didn’t start until he was in recovery. [22:40] Geoff explains why he doesn’t self-disclose to his patients. [24:50] The impact of addiction and recovery on parenting.
RESOURCES: Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment
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| BONUS: Why Should I Write Down All My Anger and Hurt? | 04 Jan 2024 | 00:33:01 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami talk about the healing properties a journal practice can have. A listener wrote that her therapist wants her to journal out the resentment and anger that her SA has caused her, but the mere thought of doing this gets her re-triggered and angry all over again. Is there really a point to all of this aside from re-remembering the betrayal?
TAKEAWAYS: [:25] My SA husband’s entire family has suffered from some sort of sexual addiction or abuse. Is all of this hereditary? [8:30] How can intermittent reward cause or enhance relationship addiction? [16:15] What’s the point of writing my betrayal down? I feel so angry just thinking about it. [18:50] If you have a lot of anger inside you, a journal practice can be very healing. [19:45] My addict is weaseling out of our initial agreement. What should I do? [26:05] If you’re not doing the work, then it doesn’t matter what you say or do. [26:15] He’s sober but still can’t be intimate with me. He says he feels shame. Is this just an excuse?
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com | |||
| Betrayal Trauma with Tim Stein | 04 Jul 2019 | 00:37:26 | |
Tim Stein is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, engaged in helping couples find the love they are meant to have. Tim is the co-founder of Willow Tree Counseling in Santa Rosa, and works with sex addicts and their partners providing individual, group, and couples therapy. Tim is a bright and rising star in the field of sex addiction, and speaks about the expected betrayed partner responses, along with the honesty that must be present in order for true healing and recovery to occur.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:19] Tim co-founded Willow Tree Counseling in Santa Rosa, and this gives an opportunity to people on the central coast of California a place to go during this time of trauma and recovery. [5:32] Tim understood addict recovery, and got to understand the trauma betrayed partners really went through after working with a colleague. This folded into the partners sensitivity movement, which also goes along with the idea of Prodependence. [7:38] When a partner is betrayed, there are certain “predictable unpredictable” behaviors and responses. This individual has just had their bottom fall out beneath them, and also may have felt denied of their intuition and devalued for quite some time. [11:04] Even before a cheating partner is caught, chances are their energy is less than completely loving and connected with their partner. They may start to be even more forgetful, cold or distant, and may be resentful towards their partner to try and justify their bad behavior. [16:10] Partners can pick up on this energy can have autoimmune or libido issues before the cheating is out in the open. They can pick up on the possible shame and guilt the addict feels, and these cues can cause real physical and emotional symptoms. [19:02] It’s not a comfortable thing to admit struggle and vulnerability, and even tougher when the addict is in recovery. However, it is part of the important process of building back true trust with their partner and loved ones. [23:05] Most of the relationships that Tim sees fail occur when the addict isn’t able to do the rigorous work of total honesty and disclosure to make their partner feel safe and understood.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com
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| Addiction Treatment: What We Do and Why We Do It | 27 Jun 2019 | 00:33:04 | |
It’s a solo show today as Rob discusses treatment and the crucial healing elements that must be in place when working with addicts. He talks about his experience running the Seeking Integrity treatment center for over 25 years, and how groups can model the closeness and connection that addicts may miss in their upbringing. He also discusses the role of integrity, and how addiction is not an excuse for bad behavior but rather an indicator that one is struggling with issues and trying to work on them.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:58] Often times someone will say they are entering themselves in a treatment center for one reason, but first we have to really understand why they are coming in. While being a better person is certainly an appropriate goal, it’s really about having integrity and living in a way that doesn’t harm yourself or someone else. Integrity is so important to healing, that is why Rob named his treatment center Seeking Integrity. [4:05] Addicts are usually unable to get their needs met in healthy and positive ways, and this leads to them living a separate and compartmentalized life, and getting what they want through manipulative behavior. Healing will begin as they start to take care of their own emotional needs and the needs of others instead of slipping into behavior that allows them to disappear into fantasy. [8:33] Many addicts did not have a model for healthy families or intimacy from their own family while growing up. Understanding that this would cause trauma is called Trauma Informed Treatment. Therapists will understand they have a deep and enduring problem with intimacy and closeness and perhaps are using drugs as an escape. [11:26] Trauma is not an excuse, it is an opportunity to honor and acknowledge triggers and emotional touch points that keep us disconnected and separated from true intimacy and connection. [14:33] One of the most important elements of healing is relationships. Groups and programs can give addicts the kind of family experience they never had growing up, and for the first time ever they can learn to depend on other people. [25:02] If treatment is done right, the clients will get a deep sense that people can be there for them and still give them support. [29:08] Integrity comes from integration and bringing separate parts together into a whole. Recovery is about not having anything to hide.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com
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| Trauma and Addiction: The Connection with Dr. Jamie Marich | 20 Jun 2019 | 00:35:50 | |
Dr. Jamie Marich is an EMDR therapy master trainer and author of 5 books including Process: Not Perfection and creator of the Dancing Mindfulness approach to expressive arts therapy. Dr. Jamie joins the show to talk about expressive arts solutions for trauma recovery, what trauma work is, how someone knows if they have trauma, and the resources to begin working on it. She and Rob also talk about both the similarities and differences of trauma work in addiction and therapy and what the two could stand to learn from each other to give even more support to those affected.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:08] Jamie worked in Humanitarian Aid in Bosnia in 2000-2003, and she met Janet, a mentor that got her on her own path to recovery. Janet validated so much of her experience in addiction by telling her “It’s no wonder you became addicted after everything you went through, but what are you going to do about it now?”. This was the first time someone framed it in a way that made sense, and put her own trauma into perspective. It challenged her to take action and really work on her issues. [5:54] Often times we associate trauma with putting the responsibility on someone, especially when it is from our early childhood. Jamie explains that it is good to practice mindfulness, but first we have to explore why one is difficult to stay in the moment in the first place. [10:46] The idea of safety and a commitment to the well being of the addict is strong from both the addiction and therapy treating camps. It’s not productive to keep citing trauma without addiction, so to explore one we have to consider the other. Jamie will have a conversation with her clients about what safety really means, and how it’s okay and not “bad” or “wrong” if they aren’t able to feel perfectly safe right away, or even ever. [12:21] Jamie defines trauma as any unhealed human wound. It can come in different forms such as physical, mental, emotional, and trauma work is the broad spectrum of connection and activities that helps us know that we are not our thoughts, feelings and sensations, we are just the person that has them. [17:23] Whether your trauma is associated in your memory or not, it can play out in how the body responds. The body may react thinking it’s protecting itself, and so much of trauma work needs to involve embodied activities that help you realize a more adaptive kind of coping. It is possible that through this work, people will feel their feelings for the first time in a long time. [25:40] Jamie encourages us to give it 3 sessions with a therapist to see if there is a connection and see if they give you choice with the treatment options they offer. For example, they may be able to work with you through cognitive therapy, expressive arts work, and EMDR. [28:20] Both a 12 Step Group and expressive arts work allows us a safe place to connect with ourselves and others. [31:55] Jamie provides much value and resources for everyone. Her latest book, Process Not Perfection, can be an addition to therapy or a self guided resource for healing.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com
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| Understanding Professionals in Crisis with Ryan Patrick Bayley, MD | 13 Jun 2019 | 00:35:24 | |
Even those of us with the most education and opportunities can still end up struggling with intimacy, drugs, and addiction. Executive Coach Dr. Ryan Bayley joins the show today to discuss his work helping professionals redesign their life events to close the gap between where they are and where they want to be. Ryan draws from his own experience in Emergency Medicine to coach physicians from anywhere to burnout to just looking to find more stability in their life. He also shares why physicians have a high burnout rate of almost 60%, what burnout looks like, what types of situations tend to get professionals in trouble, and how working with a coach can help.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:44] Ryan himself is double-boarded in Emergency Medicine and Emergency Medical Services, and holds an adjunct faculty position at the Duke University School of Medicine. Ryan went to medical school at Vanderbilt University School of Medicine and completed his undergraduate at Harvard University. [2:05] Ryan became a coach because he feels physicians and high performing individuals should feel engaged and challenged, and yet not at the cost of being able to honor what is important to them outside of work. [3:08] Often the high performing professions are in an environment where they have a lot of responsibility and there is little tolerance for error or weakness. This is especially true for physicians, and burnout will cause them to act out and possibly lose a career for which they sacrificed years and much of their identity. Physicians have a 60% burnout rate, and a single act of disruptive behavior can lead to them losing their license completely. [14:37] As a coach, Ryan sits down with his client and helps develop a vision step by step of where they want to be from a holistic point of view. They then map out action steps to get there, and the accountability steps it will take to move forward towards that vision. This is similar to the mindfulness and support that a sponsor for a 12 Step program would give someone they are working with. [22:25] It is possible to be very smart, and yet emotionally empty and dissatisfied at the same time. Physicians especially are often very high achievers, perfectionists and do extreme work. They “need to be needed” and Ryan works with them to have them achieve as much health in their career, or possibly realize they are ready for a career change. [28:42] Since physicians rely on trust from their patients and the families of their patients, there is little room for instability and symptoms of burn out. Having a coach like Ryan can help them find stability and reflection to do their best, so their health is in good shape to in turn help others. [32:41] Working with a coach is a two way street, and it is important to discuss goals with your potential coach to see if it is a match for both parties.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com (919) 951-7709
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| Money, Power, and Sex with Debra Kaplan | 23 May 2019 | 00:36:39 | |
Debra Kaplan, MA, LPC, LISAC, CMAT, CSAT-S specializes in helping adults and adolescents overcome addictions, issues related to sex and love, relationship struggles and unresolved traumatic stress. Today she shares information on how sex, money, and power play a role in addiction, what her experience was like working in the heavily male-dominated environment of Wall Street, what monetized rage is, and the first steps one must take in order to break free of the need for external validation to feel worthy and safe.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:35] Although we do see abuse of sex and power in a large public forum, it can also happen in subtle ways. It may even be hard to notice that one is being abused, and not always understood by the one being controlled. [5:16] Monetized rage speaks to the monetary exploitation of one individual by another. It can be an exchange of sex for money, cutting off funds, or only giving funds when a certain monetary need is met. [6:20] There is a self centeredness that exists with sexual exploitation. It can take place when there is a power differential, at any level of income and any demographic, age or gender. [12:46] It is almost a universal experience that women have to put on some type of armor to just exist in a culture where remarks and suggestive behavior run rampant. [17:22] Women gear up to protect themselves one way or another in subtle ways. This can look like dressing down at work intentionally, or trying to also be overtly sexual to deflect unwanted attention. [23:09] The greatest factors that negatively impact relationships and cause divorce are finance and work stresses, and cheating / infidelity. Debra works on helping couples realize their individual value, and what each of them bring to make the relationship better. [27:40] In a culture that thrives on showing off money, sex, and power, it is imperative for people to know their self worth as a human individual. [32:41] Social media has given us a 24/7 access to keep up with the Joneses, so it’s important to know that it’s just a highlight reel of people’s lives, and there is much under the surface we don’t see.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Debra Kaplan Counseling Facebook Debra Kaplan Counseling LinkedIn Decades After ‘Boom Boom Room’ Suit, Bias Persists for Women
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| Healing Trauma and Addiction through Connection with Andrew Susskind | 16 May 2019 | 00:34:51 | |
Rob is joined with colleague and friend Andrew Susskind in today’s episode to talk about the issues that surround recovery and healing. They discuss what to expect during recovery, and where some may still be stuck even if they are moving forward. Andrew is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, Brainspotting Practitioner and Certified Group Psychotherapist. They also discuss his book It’s Not About the Sex, Andrew’s work with the nervous system, and the resources available to help others understand themselves.
TAKEAWAYS: [4:02] Addiction, in general, is typically based in broken-heartedness and feeling unworthy. This could be something from someone’s past or early developmental trauma that gets them into a pattern where they are seeking to fill the “hole in the soul” with addictive compulsive behavior. [7:39] It’s a double problem between the shame that the addiction brings, and the actual feelings that cause the addiction in the first place. [10:50] Unless there is real help offered in the early stages, it is common for people to act out what has been done to them. Once there is some kind of abuse or trauma where our nervous system has trouble balancing, it can feel like anxiety, panic, or dissociation. [14:15] Andrew helps his clients with somatic awareness to understand more about what’s happening in the body including thoughts, memories, and sensations. When he discovered this work, it opened up a whole new level of questions to get down to the core of the information coming from their body. [18:02] As a social worker, it is Andrew’s job to help people find help and healing despite how much money and time they have. [21:12] We are biologically hardwired for connection, and true recovery lies in being able to feel loveable, desirable, and worthy of others believing in us. [22:49] Some of the themes that Andrew addresses in It’s Not About the Sex have to do with grief, shame, narcissism, emotional sobriety, regulating the nervous system, and knowing there will be stumbling and fumbling along the way. [24:49] Connection is important, but having people that are emotionally dependable who can be there in a meaningful and deep way is crucial. [29:12] It takes two whole people to come together and make a really meaningful relationship and true emotional contentment. [30:56] For some it’s about trusting others, and some people may want to feel safe in the world. It comes down to each person experiencing intimacy or a meaningful connection in their life, whatever it means to them.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com It's Not about the Sex: Moving from Isolation to Intimacy After Sexual Addiction
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| Treating Sex and Drug Addiction Together with David Fawcett | 02 May 2019 | 00:33:59 | |
Dr. David Fawcett returns to the show today to talk with Rob about all the different ways that drug and sex addiction intersects, what exactly chem sex is and announces their new project Seeking Integrity, the first series of treatment environments that address both issues. David is a therapist, author of Lust, Men and Meth, and expert in methamphetamines and stimulants in sexual behavior. They also discuss the traditional challenges in treating drug and sex addictions together, the biological explanation of why the two fuse together, and how Seeking Integrity helps others within their connection with themselves.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:07] Over time, the behavior becomes fused so that the person is unable to separate the drug addiction from the sexual problem. When you do two things at the same time and dopamine is involved, it bonds the two things together much like a Pavlovian conditioned response. [3:56] When an addict experiences an uncomfortable emotion, they go to their “medicine” such as drugs or acting out sexually. As these two become combined, they have an even harder time recovering. [4:31] Seeking Integrity’s goal is to evolve and advance treatment for addicts of all kinds so they can heal long term. One of the challenges is that this topic is not addressed in drug and alcohol recovery centers, and the two are often treated separately. [7:53] We still view sexual addiction as a moral issue rather than a medical issue. David finds it helpful to show scientifically based documentation such as brain scans to show that this is not always the case. [9:20] At Seeking Integrity they work on developing coping mechanisms to lower the chance of transferring one addiction to another. [11:21] The goal of treatment is to not be perfect right away, but to make strides towards being healthy. [13:19] The brain has to regenerate dopamine, and while the addict is recovering they may experience long periods of depression, which is why it’s important for them to work with a professional and realize that healing takes time. [17:38] A lot of addictics have a lot of trouble with intimacy, and much has to do with how they were raised and what they learned about it. [20:58] Addicts need to reset their brain chemistry so they can learn to be still, and develop relationships that foster connection, joy, and pleasure. [24:18] Finding connection is at the cornerstone of Seeking Integrity, as that is one of the strongest and most profoundly healing feelings any human can experience.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Lust, Men, and Meth: A Gay Man’s Guide to Sex and Recovery What’s Wrong With Addiction Treatment Sex, Love, and Addiction - David’s podcast QUOTES:
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| About Disclosure with Mari Lee | 04 Apr 2019 | 00:36:07 | |
Mari Lee is an author of best-selling books Facing Heartbreak and Healing Betrayal, speaker, and LMFT, a Sex Addiction Therapist, Specialist, and Supervisor. She also is the founder of Growth Counseling Services and Shine Women’s Retreat. She talks with Rob about what it is like to be a woman in her job working with both partners and addicts healing from betrayal, and how she helps her clients feel heard, resources for hope and healing, and why she loves working with addicts.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:37] Mari didn’t always want to work with sex addicts. When she came into the work, her passion was about supporting traumatized partners. There wasn’t a lot of support or knowledge about working with betrayed partners, and much of it was based in codependency rather than prodependence. [4:31] Mari began to understand that the choices the addict was making had little to nothing to do with their partner. [7:25] Mari does a lot of psychoeducation with her clients about what is going on in the limbic and nervous systems. [8:55] If a partner grows up in an environment where there is shaming and much negativity, hiding and deceit become coping mechanisms and they develop a core belief that they are unloveable. Their actions then reinforce that behavior, and they need to first get help for the relationship they have with themselves. [13:18] It is often more difficult for the partner who has to look at their spouse as troubled because they want to have empathy but they are so hurt, shocked and angry. [16:45] The disclosure process, or “clinical formal disclosure” can be a very painful and traumatic time. This is a very thorough process where the addict and partner agree to come into a sacred healing space to disclose all the betrayals and hidden secrets. [17:43] Over time, a partner that is being gaslighted feels fear, obligation, and guilt. One of the most healing tools is for the addict to work with a therapist and give their partner full disclosure and truth, and the power to decide if they want to continue the relationship. [26:45] Mari wrote Facing Heartbreak for partners who can’t afford to see a therapist, or are unable to see one due to logistics, insurance or financial means. [30:14] Mari refers to her clients as survivors and thrive-rs. They may be scared at first, but she helps them move away from the idea of victimization and towards empowerment and understanding how to set tangible boundaries.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com
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| Hold me Tight with Dr. Sue Johnson | 28 Mar 2019 | 00:38:08 | |
Dr. Sue Johnson is profoundly known for her work on bonding, attachment and adult romantic relationships. She paved the way for much of the work being done now on attachment and intimacy, focused couples therapy, and her work changed the landscape of emotions based therapy. Today, she talks with Rob about EFT, Emotionally Focused Therapy, her best-selling book Hold Me Tight, and why EFT gives people hope, validation, and the connection necessary to heal themselves and possibly their wounded relationships.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:04] Sue got a firsthand look at adult interaction as a young child working in her family’s pub. Through witnessing the many people night after night, she saw the power in vulnerability and compassion. This fascinated her and led her to work with distressed individuals, and ultimately distressed couples. [7:05] In a distressed couple, the conflict is just a symptom of the real problem — disconnection. [9:11] Much disconnection comes from one person pushing to be heard and the other partner shutting them out. Dr. Sue works with couples to move from the dance of automatic anger into vulnerability. [12:45] EFT, or Emotionally Focused Therapy, helps individuals and couples look at where they may be stuck in their emotions, fears and needs and then introduces the feeling of love and safety. Through this, bonding occurs and partners have what Dr. Sue refers to as “hold me tight” conversations. [14:05] When therapists first ask how a couple fell in love in therapy, it helps them remember that there once was a connection and may diffuse some of the initial anger. [18:57] EFT first gives people hope, then validation for feeling wounded. Their partner has to understand how their actions caused so much pain, and why their wounded partner now needs safety and predictability. [22:28] After a betrayal when the wounded partner is doing “detective work” they are usually not looking for a reason to leave, they are looking for a reason to stay. [27:03] Technology can drive us apart, or it can call for us to be more committed than ever to human connection. [29:01] Dr. Sue follows the Pro-dependence model, and knew there was something more than the codependence model after working in many clinics and large hospitals. [30:18] Dr. Sue’s work encourages people to get addicted to the natural good feelings that come when we reach out to others as a resource, and experience authentic connection. [33:31] The more we feel connected, the less we turn to behaviors that are addictive and destructive.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com
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| The Cost of Neglect with Enod Gray | 14 Mar 2019 | 00:31:51 | |
Therapist and counselor Enod Gray joins the show today to talk about how people are affected by neglect. She and Rob discuss the types of family dynamics that often lead to neglect, how people are affected by neglect, and what solutions are out there for folks dealing with this painful and under-discussed subject. Enod is based in Houston and offers counseling through her True Self Transitions business. She also discusses her new book, Neglect — The Silent Abuser and how one can begin to heal from childhood neglect.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:01] Neglect often goes undetected and unrecognized. While clients report overt abuse, neglect can be so foundational in so many issues. When neglect happens pre-verbally in a child's development, there is typically a feeling of emptiness and pain that feels as though it comes from an unknown source. [5:03] Enod names the types of situations where neglect most occurs in families. Some of the biggest ones are:
[10:21] A few crucial elements for the neglected to heal: they must go within themselves and tell the truth about what happened, and how they are going to reenact now in the present day. They must seek professional help for distractions/addictions, learn to play, and learn proper boundaries. [13:28] It often is tough for neglected people to trust others and to find an intimate connection. This isolate, in turn, can lead to depression and anxiety, so it is very important for them to find ways to connect. [16:26] Addiction can take on many forms. A few examples can be sexual addiction, the addiction to work and achieve, love addiction, or a need to prove themselves worthy so they can find “the one”. [20:02] It can be tough for men to deal with the true pain and grief neglect causes, as society tells them to be strong and stoic.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com
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| BONUS: Am I Just Having Fun, or Is This a Full-Blown Addiction? | 21 Dec 2023 | 00:33:17 | |
Dr. Rob and Tami break down the gray area between just having fun, being “at-risk” for an addiction, and being a full-blown addict. It can be difficult to define the line fully when you’re in the middle of a “good time.” Dr. Rob offers various considerations for you to think about to determine whether you’re barely teetering the line or if you’re in a bad and unsustainable place.
TAKEAWAYS: [:35] I believe my partner is a narcissist and a sex addict. He’s hurting me but I can’t seem to walk away. How can I just leave him? [8:40] Have a three-circle plan! You need a healthy plan that will value you. [10:50] Can you become addicted to friendships? [15:50] My betrayed partner doesn’t believe me anymore, even when I’m telling her the truth. Do I just agree with her? [22:30] Is there an in-between stage where someone can be between “at-risk” for an addiction vs. being a complete addict? [26:55] Do I need to do yet another formal disclosure with my addict? We just don’t have the money for another therapist right now.
RESOURCES: Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
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| All About our Runaway Ego’s! With Dr. Lou Cox | 07 Mar 2019 | 00:39:25 | |
Dr. Lou Cox is a Clinical Psychologist with over 55 years of experience. In his private practice, he works as a Psychotherapist and Awareness trainer, and Addictions Specialist. Today, he and Rob discuss both the healthy and unhealthy functions of the ego, why we have an ego, and how it relates to our need for love and connection. He also shares why compassion and courage are essential to getting loose with the ego and talks more about his book The Ghost in the Machinery.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:53] Dr. Louis Cox is a Clinical Psychologist, expert in the area of addiction and alcoholism, author and also has the organizational consulting practice: EgoMechanics Inc. [3:01] We typically think of “ego” as someone that is loud, bossy and attention seeking. Dr. Cox discusses that there is the “self aggrandizing” ego, however there is also a “self diminishing ego”. This is where one presents themself in a way that doesn’t cause any conflict or rock the boat too much with the fear of losing love and feeling shame and abandonment. [4:19] We develop defenses and start conditioning our behavior by the age of 7. As we are out in the world getting feedback from our caregivers and those around us, we learn how to act in order to feel connected and accepted. It is where these behaviors become compulsive that the problems lie, and addictions typically surface. [10:32] Our egos tell us that in order be feel loved and worthy, we must create an image of what we think deserves love and connection, and then compulsively act according to it. [11:15] The ego can function both in ways that are healthy and detrimental. We need our ego to keep our connection, but it is a balance of making sure it doesn’t hinder the authentic expression of our real selves. [15:19] Addicts use for the purpose of feeling okay, where most people use primarily to have fun. [18:20] The need for autonomy and the ability to be ourselves is crucial for children. Often times when they feel as though they aren’t able to fully be themselves, issues arise. One characteristic of addiction is the denial that one is out of control. [22:18] Much of what we see as addiction and character personality problems in our culture relate profoundly to early childhood experiences of love, stimulation, validation and acceptance. [22:27] Our ego often tricks us into not speaking up about our needs due to fear of rejection and abandonment. It also may lead someone to deny their need for love, and create abusive and destructive behaviors. [27:58] Dr. Cox titled his book The Ghost in Your Machinery because our egos often operate silently and unconsciously. This book is for the community of people who have had a wake up call and are seeking good inner guidance besides the ego. It provides a set of resources to access all that the ego usually blocks for a need to stay in control. [31:31] Left to our own devices, we will default to what we learned as a defense mechanism in our early childhood. [35:41] Compassion and courage are essential to getting loose with the ego.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com
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| Mental Health or Addiction? What you Need to Know With Dr. Candice Christiansen | 28 Feb 2019 | 00:33:38 | |
In this week’s episode, Dr. Rob welcomes back Candice Christiansen, founder and clinical director for the Namaste Center for Healing. She and Rob discuss some co-occurring diagnosis that is found as an underlying source in addiction and avoidance, and why it’s not unusual for people that have sexual problems to also have an emotional and mental disorder that causes them to act out. They give a few examples of these conditions, define some characteristics of those on the spectrum, and talk about the importance of getting a professional evaluation to make sure one is getting the proper treatment.
TAKEAWAYS: [4:46] Sexual addictions and disorders aren’t always based on personality and narcissism. There are also many instances where it is an attachment based disorder. The acting out is a learned behavior to try to escape, self soothe or connect. [5:45] Candice describes how self-stimulating behavior relates to those on the autism spectrum. Part of her job is to help the addict replace porn with a non harmful replacement to self-stim. [9:04] High functioning autism will often be diagnosed when a child is young because there is a clear language deficit or auditory processing issue. [11:15] Those on the spectrum are usually very intelligent, and may not get social/sexual cues. They may also be very honest to a fault, blunt, and get overstimulated by bright lights or loud noises. [15:07] Sociopaths know that their actions may hurt someone else, but they don’t care or possess empathy, while those on the spectrum have “in the moment” thinking, but do show great empathy. [16:19] There are conditions that can look like a learning disability, so it is very important to get a thorough evaluation by an expert. [25:43] A symptom of bipolar disorder is often the tendency to be hypersexual. When a bipolar individual is stable and their disorder is in remission, many times they stop acting out. [26:02] Other diagnoses that Candice sees where people act out include both OCD and OCPD. [27:38] Mental health professionals must have a common language so they know how to best treat a condition and everything that goes along with the condition. [29:01] A diagnosis is not a judgment, it’s an observation so that an issue can be treated properly and professionally.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com
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| Prodependence: Understanding the Treatment Model with Kim Buck | 14 Feb 2019 | 00:35:19 | |
Kim Buck, LPC and CSAT, joins the show, to share her excitement in the concept of prodependence, and her own experience in integrating it within the treatment of her own clients. Kim has over 15 years of clinical experience as a therapist and works in multiple modalities depending on the clients needs. As the Clinical Director at Family Strategies Counseling Center in Arizona, she runs treatment programs for hundreds of people. She and Rob also talk about the difference between the codependence and prodependence models, and the changes she has seen firsthand in her treatment centers when implementing this model.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:31] Kim heard about the concept of prodependence and was an early adopter, using it in her own practice. The concept of codependency helped in her own recovery, however there were concepts in the model that she found shaming and blaming towards the partner experiencing betrayal. Prodependence addressed those issues for her, and she aligned with it due to how it lessens the blame of the betrayed partner. [8:02] Kim started rewriting some of the curriculum for the partners to integrate the prodependency model. She now has three active prodependence groups for partners of sex addicts, and they learn how to take care of themselves and set boundaries in this time of crisis. [11:56] The first goal of Kim’s work is to help them sort through the mess of their partner’s actions, and offer them support and hope. If they need the additional work, it will come organically. However, oftentimes in the early stages of treatment, people just need support and understanding while they are in crisis mode. [17:34] Prodependence invites the addict to look in the mirror and not blame the other partner for their actions. It increases the chance that a betrayed partner will come back and question what they did in the past, creating a mutually agreed upon opening to explore and grow. [22:45] For Kim, she had some fundamental issues with some of the concepts of codependency, and found that prodependency served to depathologize rather than pathologize. It removes the idea that the partner has an illness that is causing the partner to act out, and instead understands that most often they are just trying their hardest to solve a problem dragging their life down the drain. [28:01] The goal of codependency which is self care and detachment is valid and necessary, but trouble comes in when blame is placed on the partner and sees them as part of the problem.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Arizona Board of Behavioral Health Examiners Family Strategies Counseling Center
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| All About Sex and Relationship Healing with Joe Saavedra | 07 Feb 2019 | 00:33:25 | |
Joe Saavedra, is an MFT and sex addiction treatment provider who is passionate about working with people who have the experiences that come with addictive and compulsive behavior. Joe has a true healer’s heart and spirit, and works in an integrity and empathy based model. Today, he talks about the importance of group work, his own story of addiction and recovery, and why there is true power in relational intimacy with others.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:02] Joe does a Men’s Sex Addiction 101 Drop-In Group on Sex and Relationship Healing. The group is successful because it is a great support system, and helps men find healthy connections in a safe and interactive virtual setting. The goal is to build relationships and help people realize they are not alone. [6:44] The goal with Joe’s group work is to get the men into a pattern of activities that stabilize them, and provides a sense of hope. [9:30] Rogerian group therapy is the type of therapy that is non judgemental, accepting and loving. [13:35] The groups are gender separate, because they seek to create a safe space for the addict and keep an open forum. There is also support provided for the betrayed partner. [18:58] Joe has a background in the railroad industry, and during his time working on the railway his own addiction blossomed. He struggled with addiction, and it adversely affected his marriage. He got help and remarried his wife, and continues to take personal inventory of his own actions and stays accountable to others. [26:24] The DIY client thinks they don’t need any help, but in order to truly heal, we need others in our life.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Men’s Sex Addiction 101 Drop-In Discussion Group jsaavedra@emmausroadcounseling.com
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| Breaking Down our Defenses to Heal with Kristin Snowden | 31 Jan 2019 | 00:35:14 | |
TAKEAWAYS: [0:55] Kristin and Rob ran a treatment program for a number of years called Promises Malibu. This experience of opened her eyes to a new approach for those struggling with active addiction and outpatient care. She was strongly impacted by the work and applied what she was learning to her own relationships. [10:30] Narcissistic defense occurs when one has to get an external reflection of what they are doing right because of a feeling of emptiness on the inside. [14:05] Often people don’t seek help until they are in enough discomfort and realize the choices aren’t working for them and they need a different way. [15:33] There’s a lot of vulnerability in healing a relationship and breaking down our defenses. [20:07] Kristin shifted her thinking from acting based on the perceived rewards to really seeing people for who they are, accepting both their flaws and her own, and lessening “black-and-white” type thinking. [23:52] Kristin feels as though when you are connected with your spirituality or a higher power, you look at what’s happening as though someone else is in control, and it’s okay to let go and surrender. [24:45] Kristin explains the power behind running groups and the connection that occurs when her clients share observations and experiences in the safety of a group. [26:18] Kristin feels a strong pull to help those who fly under the radar with their issues. They may be high functioning, and she helps them access a higher sense of awareness and consciousness about their addiction and acting out behavior. [31:18] In owning our vulnerability, it releases us from the anger and self-righteous indignation, and gets right to the pain we need to access for true healing.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Sex and Relationship Healing Kristin
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| The Paradox of Intimacy and Hurt with Dr. Leon Seltzer | 24 Jan 2019 | 00:31:30 | |
Dr. Leon Seltzer joins the show today to speak about his work in intimate relationships, early wounding and healing, and the paradoxical relationship of intimacy and independence. He and Rob also discuss how defensive behavior and betrayal mirrors the world of addiction and the role that a family attachment bond later has on picking relationship partners. Dr. Seltzer describes the qualities he sees in couples able to work their way through great difficulties, and what seems to be missing in those unable to overcome betrayal.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:07] Dr. Leon Seltzer has two doctorates, one in English, and the second in Psychology. He is also a prolific blogger for Psychology Today, and has written over 400 articles for the website which have resulted in over 30 million views. [3:24] Those that grew up without a secure attachment bond to their family may have a tougher time trusting their partner. When people aren’t secure within themselves, they are in self protection mode rather than truly able to feel vulnerable. [6:09] A child needs to feel that they can be themselves in their relationship, and yet secure enough to go out on their own and develop self confidence without their parents. [9:49] In order for people to really know us and connect with us on an authentic level, we must pursue an intimate relationship that also includes us being independent. The paradox is that to be completely intimate, we must be able to be independent. [12:03] We want to give the wounded partners time and space to feel angry, hurt, and betrayed, but if they decide to stay in the relationship there is a certain point where the punishing becomes detrimental to moving forward and healing. [15:13] Emotional resourcefulness, empathy without shaming, and ability to express vulnerability are key traits that Dr. Seltzer sees in couples that are able to work through betrayal. The partner acting out must recognize how their behavior has hurt their partner. They also must endure guilt deep enough that they really get how much harm they have done to the other person, so much so that it is unthinkable to do it again. [18:54] If the acting out is due to fear, the partner acting out must learn ways to make them feel less ashamed without going back into the addictive process. [21:08] A large part of betrayed partners healing is recognizing their own behaviors that may be in place to distract or disengage from their own emotions, and to have more compassion for avoidance and defensive behaviors. [25:36] It is common for couples dealing with infidelity to be so focused on the betrayal that they miss opportunities for growth and connection beyond the hurt. You can never get trust back fully right away, rather by degrees in a process that takes time.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Paradoxical Strategies in Psychotherapy Psychology Today: Leon Seltzer
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| Managing Relationship Heartbreak with Terri Real | 17 Jan 2019 | 00:35:21 | |
Terry Real offers workshops for couples, individuals, and parents around the country along with professional training of the Relational Life Therapy method for clinicians through his Relational Life Institute. He also is the best-selling author of I Don’t Want To Talk About It, Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, and his new book The New Rules of Marriage is out now. Today, he chose the topic of healing betrayal, the added challenges that addiction brings in to the situation, and the roadblocks that must be moved in order for real healing and change, and possibly even a transformed relationship better than it was before.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:43] In order for it to count as infidelity, there needs to be two elements: a violation of contract and trust, and deceit. [5:14] The partner usually has two questions: how can you do this, and how can I know you won’t do this again? [5:47] The three phases that generally occur when coming back from infidelity:
[11:38] Reassuring behavior will help to regain trust, and the need for it differs couple by couple. [19:42] The harmony phase is the innocent “love without knowledge” phase, the “knowledge without love” phase is the dissolution phase, which then flows into experienced love where you know what is at stake, but it is an informed choice to stay. [26:40] The same type of narcissism that gets the partner to betray in the first place, also keeps them from successfully being accountable and trustworthy to their partner in the healing stage. [29:44] Personal empowerment is based in individual power, and relational empowerment is to bring your full strength into the relationship.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com
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| “We Do!” Saying Yes to Your Relationship with Dr. Stan Tatkin | 10 Jan 2019 | 00:41:48 | |
Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, joins the show today to talk about creating a long-lasting and secure relationship. He discusses his latest book, We Do, his work at the PACT Institute, and how we can encourage people to take time to have the important discussions before jumping in headfirst to a commitment or marriage. He also discusses the smart way to vet out a potential relationship, monogamy as a choice, the Commandments of a secure functioning relationship and advice for couples dealing with betrayal.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:10] Stan Tatkin’s book, We Do is a pre-commitment manual, meant to help people understand the nuts and bolts about intimacy, agreements, and having a purpose and vision for being together. [5:10] Monogamy is a choice, not something provided by nature. While it is nature’s plan to mix up the gene pool about every 4 years, honest and true intimacy is something very possible with the right tools. [6:04] Love that stems from secure functioning is interdependent on the parties surviving and thriving together. It is a mutual agreement to protect each other, agree on being in it together, and a commitment to practice radical loyalty. [8:07] In the early stages of a relationship we may get hooked in by love or even lust, but an attitude and spirit of collaboration and cooperation keeps us together. [10:17] While most premarital counseling focuses on our goals surrounding finance and children, Dr. Tatkin feels it should be more about vision and expectations, to find out if we are really on the same page. [12:19] Yes, it matters if your friends like your significant others. We can use our social networks to vet out our potential partners, and see how well we fit in the community together. When red flags are popping up from our family and friends on our partner, that is something to be taken seriously. [14:48] Women also bond and release oxytocin in not just sex, but eye contact and kissing. [15:48] Dr. Tatkin is interested in keeping partners together because our primary attachment bond has the ability to be the lighting rod to give hope and influence others in society. [17:48] Although the human relationship is complex, we need it to survive. As primates, we are driven by attachment, community, interaction and relationships. Humans need each other to amplify our emotional states. [23:09] Dr. Tatkin shares some of his Commandments for Enduring and Connected Love:
[28:08] Secure functioning doesn’t necessarily mean monogamy, it just means we agree and are up front about the big ticket items. [30:24] Being able to depend on and trust our partners is the most important factor of long lasting and secure functioning relationships. [32:29] Couples dealing with betrayal almost always need a mediator to help. It is never acceptable for someone that has betrayed you to rush your healing, or blame you for any part of their behavior. [35:26] By nature humans are self serving, but when we seek to help not only ourselves but our partner, we can begin long lasting love. [37:02] To stay healthy and happy we must have at least one secure functioning relationship.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love
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| The Human Magnet Syndrome with Ross Rosenberg | 27 Dec 2018 | 00:32:00 | |
Ross Rosenberg, psychotherapist, international speaker, author, and professional trainer joins the show today to talk with Rob about codependency, narcissism, and sex addiction. Ross explains his model of self-love deficiency disorder and talks about the work that he is doing at his Self Love Recovery Institute and with his Human Magnet Syndrome books. They also discuss what Ross defines as the core of codependency, the dance of SLDD and narcissism, the difference in getting help for women and men, and resources of how someone can begin to move from self-love deficiency to self-love abundance.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:25] Ross Rosenberg is a psychotherapist, an international speaker and best selling author. He is a professional trainer who is considered an expert in the field of narcissism, trauma, codependency, and narcissistic abuse. His Human Magnet Syndrome has sold over 70,000 copies. [5:25] Ross explains that codependency is really a problem with self love deficiency that traces back to early childhood trauma, core shame, and the addiction that one has that drives them into unhealthy relationships. The first step is to meet them where they are at, and affirm their experience in a way that resonates. [7:40] Codependency is a symptom that will repeat itself, and Ross helps his clients understand that they are both the victim for what happened to them, along with responsible for their treatment and future. [9:30] The “human magnet syndrome” is an unconscious dynamic that plays out no matter how much we desire to change our choices. Once one acknowledges it and heals to experience self love and hope, the true change of relationships can begin. [12:29] Codependence has never been a diagnosis, and both Rob and Ross are finding strength based ways of healing rather than looking at our deficits and negative parts. [19:23] The rules are changing on how information and help is accessible for people that may typically not have abundant resources. Ross and Rob both give out a wide amount of information for free or low cost on podcasts, webinars and YouTube videos. [19:59] Although Ross sees females as 75% of who gets help as an SLDD, it really is more like 55% women and 45% men. It is exponentially harder and more shameful in our society for a man to admit and seek help for neglect, abuse and gaslighting in his relationship. [24:19] Dependency is a good thing, and it is our nature and part of the human condition to long for connection and partnership. [25:53] SLDD is an addiction, and the pain of being alone connects them to the core shame, that connects them to the pain as a child. They find a person that fits them best, which is most often a pathological narcissist or someone equally unavailable, such as an addict. [26:37] Ross’s 4 Categories of Pathological Narcissists:
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com
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| Answering Your Questions with Dr. Rob and Tami | 22 Nov 2018 | 00:34:54 | |
This week, Rob returns with the great Tami VerHelst, his sidekick and first point of contact for the important questions that get sent their way. Tami came up with her list of best and newest questions over the recent weeks and generalized them to boil it down to a combination of the original question and common questions they get quite often.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:10] Q: How does one figure out sexual preference when acting out with the same sex? A: That is a hard question, and because there are so many levels to it, it usually is a case by case situation. For the man married to a woman and acting out with men occasionally, he might be bisexual and doesn’t want his wife to know, he could be gay, or may have sexual trauma and abuse and acts out all over the place which happens to include men. Whether your husband is having sex with men or women, lying, cheating and living a double life is the major cause of concern. [6:24] Q: What does healthy sexuality look like? A: For a sex addict restarting the dating process, dating is something you do in a bold brightly lit coffee shop for about an hour, then head your separate way. It is important for sex addicts newly dating again to lower their expectations of dating, be clear on your boundaries, and slow down the process and get to know someone at least a month or two before sex. It helps to have someone in the recovery program to go over the date with, and decide if it is beneficial to continue dating. [9:54] Q: How does a recovering addict work their way back to intimate sexuality with their partner? A: Whether it’s an affair, porn or acting out in another way, the addict has been conditioned to a high level of stimulation in order to get aroused. In order to re engage sexually with their partner and achieve stimulation, both parties must have an attitude of willingness and openness. [14:58] Q: What’s the difference between a sex addict and a love addict? A: Sex addicts consistently and persistently seek out body parts and equate it with power and importance in a primitive way. Love addicts don’t objectify body parts, but they fixate on how that person makes them feel and gets caught up in a glorified version of that person. Love addicts either do one of two things when they see their partners’ “real” side: back away, because they want the fantasy instead, or stay in a relationship with the wrong person instead of seeing the reality of the situation and moving on. [18:20] Q: What are the purpose of 12 Step meetings, and why are they useful? How do I pick one? A: For the addicts, peer support is essential for healing. It allows someone to reduce shame, find a community and bond with like minded individuals that have been through similar issues. It removes the “terminal uniqueness” and the feeling of being the “worst”. [22:54] Q: How do I set boundaries? A: We set boundaries before a situation occurs, and they should be something each partner draws up to help themselves feel safer and more secure. [30:36] Q: What is edging? A: Edging is masturbation for short or long periods of time, where you don’t allow yourself to orgasm. One would do that to make the experience last longer.
RESOURCES Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse: A Step-By-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating
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| Discover and Connect with Your Own Inner Voice Again with Lucy Beresford | 30 Nov 2023 | 00:53:34 | |
Lucy Beresford hosts LBC Radio’s Sex and Relationships show and she’s the author of 4 books, including the global best-seller Happy Relationships. She works as a psychotherapist at The Grace Clinic, London and from time to time at The Delhi Psychiatry Centre in India under Dr. Sunil Mittal. In this episode, Lucy talks about refinding your voice again after a betrayal, how to create a deeper connection with a partner, and what are the steps forward if you continue to stay in a marriage that had a betrayal in it.
TAKEAWAYS: [5:00] Lucy shares a time where she lost her voice and had to rediscover it again. [6:10] How can you show up for yourself? How can you own your own voice? [7:30] What does Lucy mean to ‘have a voice’? [10:15] It’s very hard for women who have experienced betrayal to have a voice. [12:10] When women get into relationships, their sense of self often gets drowned out. [19:40] It’s so hard to stay committed to someone when you’ve had a small fight; much less a betrayal. [24:50] Unfortunately for addicts, they’ve hurt their best friend and partner and so they can not depend on this person (right now) for emotional support. [31:10] What do we unwillingly enable in someone else because of our own baggage and history? [34:35] You’ve consciously chosen to stay, now what? [40:45] Lucy talks about disclosed non-monogamy and what that means for a couple. [46:15] If your personality is being crushed and you’re becoming a former version of yourself, when should you stop everything and listen? [50:00] A little bit about Lucy and her work/books.
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
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| What Men Caught Cheating Need To Know with Dr. Rob and Tami | 15 Nov 2018 | 00:32:17 | |
This week, Rob is joined this week by his compadre and sidekick, Tami VerHelst. They discuss a topic and challenge that comes up so often that it inspired Rob’s book, Out of the Doghouse: A Step-By-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating. Rob shares how he wrote a book to help men, but knew that the women in their lives would purchase (and possibly throw at them). Rob and Tami also discuss cheating in the digital age, what men typically do that makes the situation worse, and some steps that will actually heal relationships.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:58] Men tend to be problem solvers, and jump in and offer solutions right off the bat. What struck Rob is that the problem of infidelity and betrayal is one they aren’t so good at, and tend to solve it with gifts, and get impatient when that doesn’t work. [5:50] The title from Out of the Doghouse came from the concept of a video where a woman gets an unwanted vacuum as a gift, and banishes her husband to the doghouse. There, he meets other men guilty of similarly heinous crimes, and they conspire on how to get a reprieve and return back to normal life. [6:32] Women buy 95% of all self help books. [7:49] Rob redefines infidelity in the digital age as the keeping of profound secrets in relationships. What tends to break people’s hearts is not that their partner had sex with someone else, but that they were lied to, deceived, or that details were omitted. [12:01] Men are more able to compartmentalize, and women tend to be more holistic thinkers. They may see a one night stand or even an affair as something that has nothing to do with their primary relationship, whereas their partner will be devastated and hurt. [14:03] Tami gets many emails and messages of women catching their partner with another male. It doesn’t matter who or what gender the betrayal is with, infidelity still hurts and can destroy their relationship. [16:11] The worst thing a man can do is blame their woman or partner for their cheating or need to step out of the relationship. The man must take responsibility for their actions, and the outcome of their decision. [17:50] Other things men do after a betrayal that don’t work: asking for forgiveness shortly after while the pain is still raw, giving gifts and financial demonstrations of love, continuing to cheat, blaming their partner for their anger. [21:12] A few steps from Out of the Doghouse that are proven steps towards repairing a relationship: men must have empathy for their betrayed partner, and display an understanding that they have caused the pain. Men should actively disclose the general details to their partner, but make sure it is in a professionally supportive environment. [26:05] It is important for men to be sure they want to stay in their relationship, and are sincere about staying before they jump into all of the healing work.
RESOURCES Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-By-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Out of the Doghouse for Christian Men
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| Relationship Between Trauma and Addiction with Dr. Christine Courtois | 08 Nov 2018 | 00:38:55 | |
Dr. Christine Courtois is a leader and trailblazer in the world of trauma and sexual addiction. Over the past 30 years, she has developed treatment approaches for complex posttraumatic and dissociative conditions that have been ahead of its time and is one of the first trauma professionals to create the field of modern trauma therapy. Today, she talks about both the similarities, the differences and the disconnect between the trauma and the addiction world, and ways she sees that shifting to bring more education and understanding between the two. She and Rob also discuss emerging research in the field, why looking at the past can help us move forward in the future, and what support and information are out there for childhood abuse and how it may affect adult life.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:52] The first step of trauma treatment is safety, which is the first step of sexual addiction treatment as well. [3:41] Christine feels we are making progress in helping addiction professionals understand trauma history, and trauma professionals see how big a role addictions play in child abuse and complex trauma. There is still a long way to go, however, before we fully see addiction co-addressed with the trauma from the start of treatment. [5:40] Addiction itself is traumatic, especially to a dependent child. [7:24] The money paid by the government for mental health goes to a completely different silo than for addiction treatment, even though professionals understand the two are often intertwined. [9:42] The training for trauma professionals to assess addiction was not at the forefront over the past years, and Christine makes one of her biggest priorities to expand knowledge about trauma in areas that need more awareness. [12:05] Working with a complex trauma is much like doing addiction treatment. [15:40] In 12 Step programs, the term 13th Stepping refers to when one is sober and they decide to start dating or sleeping with partners to feel better rather than focus on their healing. [17:51] In someone with both a trauma or addiction, often there are many betrayals that have occurred interpersonally. [19:50] It’s not about blaming bad parents or situations, it’s about uncovering the influence certain things had upon a person. While we can’t change the fact these events happened, they can serve as a vehicle to understand more of what’s going on today so that they can take accountability in moving forward with their lives. [27:34] Often in treatment, one is able to come to terms with who their parents really were and accept that it’s up to them to learn it as an adult and take responsibility for their own healing. It is also beneficial to look at the attachment style of their parents, and what they got in their own childhood as a model to pass down to their own offspring. [34:03] Christine’s advice to those in the field would be to make sure there is education, self-knowledge, and support systems set in place.
RESOURCES Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency It’s Not You, It’s What Happened To You: Complex Trauma and Treatment by Christine Courtois | |||
| Restarting Your Sex Life with Dr. Pat Love | 25 Oct 2018 | 00:36:43 | |
Dr. Pat Love is known for warmth, humor, and her practical and research based wisdom. Her work has taken her around the world to help people understand and improve their relationships through just about every platform including magazines, TV, blogs, and workshops. Today, she talks about the inspiration she gains by new research and information in the field, how she brings couples together when there have been many years of distance and the formula for desire and true passion. She also gives a formula for passion and intimacy, the strongest predictors of longevity in relationships and the three key elements that make up real life trust.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:28] Dr. Pat Love has numerous amount of blog posts, You Tube clips, trainings and workshops that have made her a renowned relationship consultant. She is also a distinguished professor, licensed marriage and family therapist, and long-standing clinical member and approved supervisor in American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. [4:26] More research is coming out everyday to support the evidence that being there for each other during not only the fun times, but the tough ones as well is one of the main keys to a healthy and fulfilling relationship. [5:42] Many of Rob’s clients struggle and wonder how they will be sexual with their partner after there has been a betrayal. [7:11] One of Dr. Love’s motivations for writing her book Hot Monogamy was to dig in and process how to feel intimacy again when there has been a betrayal. [9:21] There are two pathways to desire, there are autogenic and psychogenic. We often stereotype all women to be “brains” and men to be “body” in term of desire, but it is more like a continuum. [11:58] The formula Dr. Love came up with in Hot Monogamy is P(passion)=S2i (two sexual beings joined by sexual intimacy). [14:21] One of the strongest predictors of longevity is emotional regulation, the ability to calm, soothe and cheer yourself no matter what is happening. [16:16] The three steps to build trust:
[18:09] Infatuation lowers our defenses, and the desire and brain chemistry cocktail leads us to focus only on the positive instead of processing negatives. [19:55] The all too common phase of “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” isn’t always something to break up over. Often times, it presents a critical moment where the infatuation has passed and you are at the threshold of true love. [23:56] Dr. Love adapts her model and teachings based on the current research and information, and Hot Monogamy will be updated to reflect the digital age. [28:47] Dr. Love shares her experience of getting her hormones checked and taking testosterone for a couple months. She saw that all the sexual cues that related to her desire were screaming at her under the influence of 1 cc of testosterone. [32:34] The discussion of “chore play” is important for taking the time to relax, and block out some time to create desire.
RESOURCES Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate, Intimate Lovemaking by Dr. Patricia Love @Pat Love facebook @DrPatLove twitter
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| Understanding Millennials and Porn Addiction with Gabe Deem | 18 Oct 2018 | 00:37:16 | |
Gabe Deem is a strong voice when it comes to the issue of porn addiction, and his passion and drive helps offer encouragement, advice and support to both men and women during the recovery process. Today, Gabe shares his work and drive behind Reboot Nation, a free online community with over 11,000 members that helps addicts and their partners overcome problems related to porn use. He and Rob also talk about the ways that he educates himself to stay current on the subject, his own story of porn use and the dysfunction it led to, and interest in the neurochemical processes behind addiction.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:32] Gabe became dependent on porn and developed porn-induced erectile dysfunction (PIED) at the age of 23. [2:42] Early on in Gabe’s recovery, he wanted to go straight to the source and educate himself on porn addiction. He thought there was no better way than to go to those leading the discussions, hence why he attends conferences to get in the conversation in order to share awareness and help future generations. [3:46] When it’s articulated in a simple way, young men and women can see just how large an effect a stimulus like porn can have upon our sexuality. [5:07] Reboot Nation does have a separate section for women, and Gabe seeks to provide a safe space for women to meet their needs. [7:23] Gabe considers himself recovered, rather than an addict. [9:44] In his work, Gabe finds that most men that developed youthful sexual dysfunctions were exposed to porn at a very early age. He was looking at porn since age 8, and that was a crucial factor in his conditioned response to arousal. [12:09] What really started to change things for Gabe was when he dove into the neuroscience behind porn addiction and sexual conditioning. [14:12] Rob’s “cheesecake theory” explains that if you eat cheesecake everyday and come to expect it, your brain is going to wire itself to really not want broccoli, plain toast, or anything but cheesecake. [15:58] Gabe considers himself pro-education, not anti porn. He considers his message empowering, and gives people hope with the message that it is possible to regain their sexuality and steer themselves towards a healthy sex life. [22:41] Gabe and Rob seek to bring the two different populations of porn addicts and sex addicts together, and realize that although they require different treatment, one can help the other. [24:05] Although Gabe didn’t feel personal shame for watching porn, his chronic use through adolescence led to opportunity addiction, where he rewired his brain to a point that led to sexual dysfunction. [26:19] VR is going to bring a whole new experience into the world of porn and addiction. [26:38] Gabe shares his own personal story on his experience with porn dependency and dysfunction. [28:32] The porn induced ED test is an important gauge to gain clarity on where the dysfunction is rooted in. [30:48] Gabe encourages everyone to seek professional help if they think they need it, or if they are having trouble going through the Reboot. [34:13] Reboot Nation has a section for partners of porn addicts as well, and hopefully coming soon a section for professionals to learn more.
RESOURCES Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Addicted to Internet Porn with Noah Church
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| Addicted to Internet Porn with Noah Church | 11 Oct 2018 | 00:36:27 | |
Noah Church is an expert, recovery coach, speaker and author of Wack: Addicted to Internet Porn, and evolution of the porn addiction treatment world. Today, he talks about the difference between addiction and dysfunction, his own personal experience and struggle with porn addiction, the ways porn and sex addiction differ, and what he is doing to make a difference.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:12] Noah himself began using porn at age 9. At 24, he realized how much of a negative impact his porn use had on the rest of his life, and knew he had to seek help and change things around. [3:41] In both porn and sex addiction, there is a stigma to fight, and people that need support. In sex addiction, Rob has seen a deep early trauma, and a pervasive intimacy disorder that affects their dating life and general ability to function in any sort of healthy relationship. [5:51] Noah has the perspective of someone that both has gone through porn addiction, and someone that helps others recover in their own struggles. [9:25] When Noah was 18 and in his first long term relationship, he experienced difficulty with sexual intimacy and what he would later learn to be was porn induced erectile dysfunction. The pattern repeated up until Noah had graduated from college, and he confronted the issue and recognized it was something he needed to leave behind. [16:53] It was when Noah watched Gary Wilson’s TEDx talk on “The great porn experiment” that he began an understanding of recovery and a light at the end of the tunnel. He began sharing his experience online, and even shared his experiences with his romantic partner. [21:54] If you were exposed to porn in an excessive way before puberty, it’s going to cause damage. Fetishes typically develop around ages 9-11. [25:25] Noah sees a blurry middle between a sex addict and a porn addict. Some of his clients have a primary porn addiction which has escalated into engaging in destructive sexual behavior, and some have never had sex. [28:12] Virtual Reality porn will present a whole new host of issues and challenges in both porn and sex addiction. While VR may be more addictive than the state of porn now, we will have to wait and see how it affects real life intimacy. [32:37] Only 20 states in the nation offer sex education, and of those 20 states, 12 require parental permission.
RESOURCES Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Wack: Addicted to Internet Porn by Noah B.E. Church The great porn experiment | Gary Wilson | TEDxGlasgow
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| Mother Hunger with Kelly McDaniel | 27 Sep 2018 | 00:35:02 | |
Kelly McDaniel is an expert on women and addiction. Her deep empathy in the field helps women find, develop and be okay with themselves despite the trauma that may have occurred in early attachment. Today, she speaks about her upcoming book “Mother Hunger”, the lasting patterns that emerge due to early trauma, and how Mother Hunger treatment is different that typical sex and love addiction treatment.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:04] Kelly McDaniel, LPC, NCC, CST, maintains a private practice in Nashville, where she specializes in the treatment of adults and couples. In addition, she is an EMDR trained therapist and member in the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH), and holds an education of an MA from Georgetown University and St. Mary’s University. [1:39] In 2008, Kelly’s first book “Ready to Heal” came out, written for women healing from addictive love and sex. The book kicked off that women needed gender-specific information in a culture that objectifies female bodies and women’s wisdom. [2:38] In 2012, the second edition was expanded to include a chapter on McDaniel’s original term “Mother Hunger.” Mother Hunger is a concept that has assisted both clinicians and clients to identify the origin of addictive relationships and foster the healing process. Currently, Kelly is offering two, three-day therapeutic Intensives for women who are exploring their relational patterns in depth. [5:31] Kelly finds her work resonates with both clinicians and the women that seek help. [7:02] Kelly defines “Mother Hunger” as a form of pre-verbal trauma that occurs in early attachment (5 weeks into conception in utero to age 3) that affects a woman’s belief system, physiology, psychology and relationship capacity. [8:37] A neglected child that is left hungry for connection, touch or love will turn to dissociation, or a freeze state, in order to protect and comfort themselves. [13:32] Our most basic idea of what a good partner would be is deeply affected when we are neglected or abused. When Kelly works with women in betrayal, it is a replay of the original wound and a map of where to go to heal. [17:22] The first ways we take in the world are through our mother’s love and some form of feeding and nourishment. These traumas are related to our most primitive stages of love, and continue to play romantically with both our current day lovers and support system or lack thereof. [20:46] Crisis is when your emotions and intellect is out of balance, and you are so invested emotionally in a situation that you are not thinking clearly. When those who have Mother Hunger get into a relationship, they get weighed down by the emotional need that comes up with the possibility of finally being loved. [21:37] Mother Hunger treatment is very different than standard sex and love addiction treatment. It is more related to the treatment in EMDR and somatic training, and sitting inside the grief for a longer intensive amount of time. [24:04] Women with Mother Hunger haven’t yet built a sense of identity, community or trust within themselves and others. [27:25] We profoundly underestimate postpartum depression and how that affect the ability to give love and nurturing. [29:39] The trauma forms before language, and is wired in to the body as the norm for what the world feels like. [31:30] Women with Mother Hunger transfer their attachment needs to men early on.
RESOURCES Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Ready to Heal: Breaking Free of Addictive Relationships
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| Addiction, Impulsivity, and the Commitment to Change with Paula Hall | 20 Sep 2018 | 00:33:10 | |
Since Paula Hall’s work in the field began over 15 years ago, she has seen many shifts in the way we treat and educate surrounding sexual addiction and sexual impulsivity. She is now a leader, and between her own work at The Laurel Centre, her 9 published books and her team of 20 people in growing locations, she is a voice for change and empathy for both men and women struggling with addiction. She talks today about the difference in approach that the UK has towards addiction, gives a sneak peek into her upcoming book Sex Addiction: A Guide for Couples, and what she sees for the future of giving individuals and couples hope and direction.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:09] At a time when she was working in private practice, Paula attended a sex therapy conference and saw there were just a handful of speakers on the subject. Once she saw it was being recognized as an addiction with pragmatic relapse strategies and recovery work, it made sense to apply this model. Since she was familiar in working with the model of drug addiction, she decided to further her training in sexual addiction. [4:08] It took Paula four years to get her first book published, as every publisher she went to said there was no market in sex addiction. [7:55] The US and UK come from different directions in the field of sexual addiction. Awareness of sexual compulsivity and addiction came in America through the lens of addiction. In England, the concept came out of sexology, where sex in all of it’s non offensive forms are considered healthy and normative. In the UK, the 12 Steps are used in chemical addiction treatment, but not heavily for sexual addiction treatment and recovery. [10:56] To Rob, the word “addiction” means access to a lifelong resource of free support, examples of recovery and shame reduction. If we de-stigmatize addiction and the connotations that the 12 Steps must be done in accordance with religion, that may help the negative associations that go along with the treatment. [14:15] In Europe they are more liberal in certain ways, but when you have more choice it brings more responsibility. The challenge Paula sees is one of seeing moderation as prudish and limiting. [16:38] Writing Sex Addiction: The Guide for Couples was the hardest book Paula has ever written, primarily because working with couples is a multi layered and complex experience. There are two people with different perspectives and fractured agenda on the past, present and future. Paula reminds us there are some things you can not compromise on - two examples are values and children. [22:04] Paula uses the metaphor of a ship that has been hit by a tidal wave to describe what happens to couples when there is a betrayal or sex addiction All crew members must scramble to safety, and drag the relationship back to the harbor to assess the damage without creating any more damage. Then, it is hard work and dedication to get every aspect of intimacy back, building it up from the ground floor.
RESOURCES Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency We Need to Talk About Sex Addiction - TEDx
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| Codependence vs. Prodependence with Carol the Coach | 13 Sep 2018 | 00:35:31 | |
Carol Juergensen Sheets, aka “Carol the Coach”, has a passion for understanding trauma, disconnection and isolation, and using her gifts to help both sex addicts and betrayed partners through their darkest moments and into the light of healing. She also loves to use media and broadcasting to spread her message to millions, in a judgment and blame freeway. Today, she talks with Rob about her work in partner focused treatment, her radio show on Blog Talk Radio that receives more than half a million listeners weekly, the concept of blame, guilt and remorse in addiction and the shift she has seen in the field over the past decade. Carol has a deep enthusiasm for her work, and it is apparent in her work as a therapist, coach, media personality or caring member of the community.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:32] Carol has an affinity for disseminating information to the public on a wide scale. Her podcast is one of the oldest, and now has half a million downloads per week. She helps people globally, interviews leading experts and helps colleagues and clinicians gather cutting edge education to bring back in their work.
[7:26] Carol compiled a book in sex addiction, Sexual Addiction: Wisdom from the Masters, that she donated to the American Federation of Research. This body of work served to share the wisdom on a wide range of topics on addiction, compulsion and partner betrayal.
8:16] When Dr. Patrick Carnes appeared on Carol’s radio show, he brought up the notion that suffering and trauma of addiction and betrayal can actually be a precursor for growth, healing and connection.
[9:46] If a partner is acting out and is in a deep and enduring relationship, there is a higher chance they will feel remorse than an individual that is unable to connect. Relationships provide a depth of learning, and isolation continues the process of sexual addiction.
[10:45] It it often helpful for partners to hear that the compulsions and of their sex addict partner started earlier than their relationship. This may help take a large burden of remorse off their backs, and realize they did not cause the behavior and it was present long before their coupling.
[12:18] Carol shares how she noticed a shift in the field around 2007 in how the partners were acknowledged in their deep pain, and not blamed from a model of codependence and causation. She began in to invite them in to her sessions, and realized they needed their own specialized help. She got involved with APSATS, The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists, and within a year was training her own colleagues. Partner betrayal is still seen as a deficit area, and Carol supports crisis management both separately AND together between the partner and the addict.
[17:01] Conflict breeds intimacy when partners are able to work through their grief and restore and develop a foundation of safety and stabilization. Once there is full disclosure in the early couples recovery work, couples can begin to work on empathy. The addict must acknowledge the issues, validate the partner’s feelings and reassure the partner that he or she can begin to feel safe. Partners also must work through their shame, or the blame from others around them from staying with a sex addict.
[21:55] Carol speaks upon an older model that looked at partners with the same need for confrontation as their sex addict partners, even adding the label of codependence. Now, we realize that this is a person in crisis reacting to the betrayal trauma, and they need support rather than blame.
[29:27] Remorse is a natural part of grief, and it is common for the spouse to already blame themselves on some level for their partner’s betrayal. Carol works with her clients on building up their sense of worth and belief that they are deserving of honesty, truth and love.
RESOURCES Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency American Federation of Medical Research Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal Sex Addiction: Wisdom from the Masters Sex Help with Carol the Coach - You Tube Blog Talk Radio - Sex Help with Carol the Coach
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| Love is Everlasting with Dr. Harville Hendrix | 06 Sep 2018 | 00:39:01 | |
Dr. Harville Hendrix is an international expert in the field of human intimacy and human relationships, and is dedicated to teaching individuals what love is in both feeling and action. Today, he talks about the crucial steps in a relationship before love can even enter the picture, and the interesting way our unconscious minds match us with our partners.
He and his wife Helen authored the best-seller Getting the Love You Want, and draw from over 40 years of working with couples to get to the root of how we can be curious instead of judgemental and find ourselves through our relationships. Lastly, they talk about Imago, their work in education and their work helping couples understand each other even in the most painful of circumstances.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:54] Even before love happens in a relationship, there must be a differentiation process where we become aware that our partner is not a figment of our imagination here on this earth to love us in exactly the manners we think are best. Until that process occurs, real love cannot yet be born. [5:07] The highest divorce rate is year 7. [5:54] During courtship and early stages of marriage, partners have a tendency to conform to the “perfect person” for their partner. [6:52] Polar energy is needed for interest, and if we end up marrying the exact same type of person as us, that will lead to a couple feeling disinterested, not challenged and eventually disengaged. [8:52] We tend to unconsciously seek out our partners for the same needs we are looking to find in our caretakers. Caretakers may be neglectful or intrusive, and this absence occurs both in single family homes and intact homes. [10:10] It’s typically about 2 years in to a relationship when we see real differences start to come out, the fantasy is unmasked and the partner is left triggered, confused, and anxious. This need for the symbiotic relationship to be back may often lead to compensatory behaviors. [13:01] If we become curious instead of reactive, that will lead us to really understand our partner, and see both them and ourselves clearly. [16:31] It is a huge loss when couples see the illusion, and walk away from an opportunity. [18:31] 20 out of 50 states have mandatory sexual education in schools, and of the 20 states, 12 require parental consent. [20:17] Dr. Hendrix recounts a story about a couple he met that was from an arranged marriage, and he found they had similar expectations and challenges than a couple that met organically. [24:41] Context is just as important as the self, and what gives birth to the individual. [26:39] Imago Relationship Therapy has been in the culture for 30 years, and is a three step dialog process to help people connect, talk and listen. [32:40] Talking can be the the most dangerous thing people do. Dr. Hendrix is concerned with strengthening the health, safety and dialogue of a couple when he is working with them. [35:06] Learning better relationship and conversational skills is something that can benefit people both in personal and professional relationships.
RESOURCES Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Safe Conversations Leadership Training
QUOTES: “Love has to be love of the real, rather than love of the fantasy.” “There is a collusion to become symbiotic with each other.” “Instead of judgement and criticism, we can shift to curiosity.” “When the energy dies and the love dies, now is the time for growth to begin.” “If you do not feel safe with your partner, you can not connect with your partner.” | |||
| Women in Sex and Love Addiction with Staci Sprout | 30 Aug 2018 | 00:37:08 | |
Staci Sprout, author of Naked in Public, therapist and speaker joins the show today to share her experience of over 24 years working with couples, individuals and groups on sex and love addiction. She discusses her current project, where she dedicates her time and expertise to train therapists on how to better work with females, and how to broach different perspectives and reasons for acting out. She and Rob also talk about cultural issues in dating, women using porn and ways people can find connection and love in a healthy and productive manner.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:40] Staci is a gender variant woman and doesn’t fit the typical bell curve profile of a female in recovery. There are certain qualities that have been typically more masculine in a traditional sense, such as identifying herself as an addict in her book Naked in Public. [4:41] Many women hate the term sex addict, and struggle with shame and oppression in society over their sexual identity in the first place. Others will identify with it almost as a badge of honor, which is more rare yet found in the younger generation. [6:31] The majority of female sex addicts tend to act in ways that are more in pursuit of unavailable partnerships, staying in abusive relationships, or other relationship and emotionally driven situations. [7:17] Staci wrote Naked in Public from the perspective of a female addict that we typically see in men. This includes behavior and a mindset leading to casual and unattached sex, typically with many partners. [12:17] The longing for love and connection is so powerful, and we can still be drawn into implicit longing and cravings if these needs are not met. A large part of Staci’s recovery is being able to do what she does consciously, and observe impulses and cravings without judgement or shame. [16:03] A woman that doesn't know how to date the right man isn’t broken, and shouldn’t give up on love. [17:23] One of the signs of mental dis-ease is when your emotions and intellect are out of balance, and you lose the ability to make a good intellectual choice. Having a supportive community that you can share with, is a human and healthy need. [21:44] Our culture is still waking up to the power of attachment, and open to learning new ways of picking partners and finding intimate and meaningful connections. [25:44] As exposure to porn is getting younger, Staci cites a study where at least 1 in 3 women watch porn every week, and 1 in 10 every day. In an ever evolving technological world, therapists must find a way to factor in online addiction with the human needs in love and sex. [29:02] Rob and Staci discuss what dating is, and what it is not. Hands off, lights on! Enjoying coffee for an hour or two then parting ways is healthy, and part of the forgotten fun of courtship is taking your time to get to know someone.
[32:29] Distress tolerance is good for reclaiming the innocence of dating and vulnerability. Often times people move too quickly or give up on love entirely because of a past bad experience, having no clue how to date in the first place, or having no support to bounce ideas and fears off of.
RESOURCES Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Sex and Relationship Healing Live Webinar Marie Claire - How Porn Affects Women’s Lives
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| How to Heal After a Betrayal: Dr. Monique Thompson on Navigating Infidelity | 16 Nov 2023 | 00:46:01 | |
Dr. Monique Thompson is a Psychotherapist in Dallas, Texas. She has seen over 1,000 couples in her counseling practice over the years and now shares tips and tools for couples to help recover from infidelity. She recently wrote a workbook for couples who are looking to recover from infidelity and shares her industry insights with Dr. Rob on today’s episode. After infidelity, many couples are unconsciously going to war with one another. Dr. Monique shares how you can get back to peaceful territory once again.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:40] Why did Dr. Monique decide to write a book about infidelity recovery? [7:20] What responsibilities or accountability should the non-affair partner take on? [10:55] When you choose to stay, you have to mentally keep in mind you’re going to war. You’re no longer in a time of peace. [11:25] Some couples never consciously choose to stay. They just didn’t get divorced and that is not the same. [15:35] Why did Dr. Monique write the Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples? [20:30] Your own healing comes from a place of healing within yourself. Your partner won’t be able to help you with that. [24:30] Are you compelled to set down ultimatums in hopes your partner will change? [32:25] Dr. Monique shares why it’s important to take a deep breath in and reset your mindset. [36:00] Sometimes people cheat because they can’t be themselves. What happens when someone finally reveals their ‘true’ persona and their partner still wants to leave? [39:55] Does Dr. Monique have a different approach for a young couple vs. an older couple?
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples
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| Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency with Dr. Rob and Tami | 23 Aug 2018 | 00:36:09 | |
Today on the podcast, Rob and his partner in crime (and healing), Tami explore a new model to treat the betrayed and hurting partners of sexual addicts - Prodependence. Rob has been immersed in the last few years in looking for a new model that moves beyond codependency, and helps to validate and support the partners of addicts, rather than pathologizing and blaming them. His new book, Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, explains this model and the framework of attachment vs. trauma therapy and changes the lens from confrontational to invitational.
He and Tami answer questions about the formation of codependency in the 1980’s and how it evolved, the issues with the codependency model, explanation of the “crazy” state of an upset partner, and how Prodependence encourages loving in a manner exhibiting boundaries and self care.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:29] Rob’s book, Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, will be out in September. Rob has been very invested in this topic over his many years as a therapist, including his PhD dissertation on codependency.
[2:06] Q: Why did Rob write Prodependence? A: For the first ten years that Rob was in practice from 1991 - 2001, partners of sex addicts were treated using codependency, the same model that was used for alcohol and drug addiction. This speaks to not just what is going on with the addict, but assumes that a partner’s distress and anger has to do with their own early life experiences instead of the trauma they feel from the addict’s behavior. Codependency says that we are working out and repeating patterns from unresolved relationships.
[3:45] There is an assumption, in the models we have been working with, that the partner is somehow in part responsible for maintaining addiction.
[5:21] Prodependence states that every action a partner or loved one takes - enabling, rescuing, even nagging, is acting out of love. It is the nature of relationships where we are attached, and looking out for our primary bond. When our primary bond is threatened, what seems like “crazy” behavior is really just the partner trying to step up and save their family.
[6:21] Codependency came out in the 1980’s, and became a big pop culture issue during the rise of feminism. It emphasized that partners look at themselves and take accountability, while prodepenence recognizes the partner is going through a major crisis and must be treated for the trauma happening in that present moment for at least the first 60-90 days.
[8:51] When we experience a loss and grieve, we have regrets and remorse as part of the process. It’s natural for partners to blame themselves, rather than realize they have been victimized. There is an emphasis in codependency to look at the partners behavior, and from that, surmise how they enabled the addict’s behavior.
[12:37] Prodepenency supports the proven fact that we do better in life, work and social situations when we have a stable relationship and attached bonds.
[13:35] In the early stages of treatment, it’s important to acknowledge the partner’s suffering and efforts to keep their family together.
[15:35] Q: Do you think that Codependence Treatment as a trauma based model can actually be counterproductive when working with loved ones of addicts? A: The essence of codependency is a trauma based and deficit based model. It says to the partner, you have some problems in the way you love, and pathologizes them to feel wrong and broken for the love they have been trying to show in order to save their family and marriage. Prodependency has empathy for the way they have been trying to love, and supports and teaches them to find a different way.
[21:33] When partners come in to seek help, they often have been lied to and had their suspicions doubted over a long period time. It’s not their early trauma that makes them feel “crazy”, it’s the thought of their whole world being a lie, or getting information that takes the bottom out of everything they have believed to be true.
[24:04] Prodependence says partners act “crazy” because they have been living in a crazy and traumatic situation and living with an active addict who has been lying, cheating and gaslighting them. That’s enough trauma for the first couple months of treatment, rather than spend time focusing on why they may be acting out from their own childhood.
[25:36] Q: Do you think a lot of therapists have evolved away from the true Codependence trauma based work, but have lacked the language to express this evolution, perhaps until now with Prodependence?
A: As the Codependence model evolved in the culture, the emphasis began to grow more on the partner’s responsibility for why their addict partner was acting out. Even though the field has naturally evolved its stance from blaming addicts partners, the only formal model that therapists have had has been codependency.
[28:51] The goals of Codependency for partners to take care of themselves, set better boundaries and love in a healthy way is well intentioned, but demoralizing and defeating as soon as they are blamed or there is something wrong with them.
[33:15] Someone in a crisis needs simple direction, support, validation and hope, which is what the Prodependence model offers.
RESOURCES Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency
QUOTES: “A spouse will never be responsible for any behavior that an addict does.”
“I don’t believe that dependency is a bad thing. I think it’s a good thing. We lean into the people we love, and fill in each others weaknesses.”
“Partners of addicts are in crisis. People in a crisis need support, direction, education and hope. They don’t need to look at their own issues or history.”
“When this person that you love becomes a life trauma themselves, you are going to be traumatized and be in grief.”
“I don’t think any of us grow up learning how to love into a house on fire.”
“We know that trauma precipitates addiction, but that doesn't’ mean it precipitates addiction in a partner.”
“If you’re a mess, it’s because you’ve been living with an active addict.”
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| Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men with Dr. Rob | 16 Aug 2018 | 00:29:38 | |
In today’s episode, Rob digs in deeper on the topic of sexuality and sexual addiction in gay men. He discusses the different norms in gay vs. heterosexual communities, what determines an addictive or compulsive sexual behavior, and the specific challenges gay men have in building relationship intimacy. There are both many differences and similarities in how gay and straight men act out in addiction, and also specific knowledge therapists need to have when working with the gay population.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:39] When Rob entered the field of work in the Sexual Addiction and Compulsion in the 90’s, we were dealing with the height of the HIV crisis. Many of the men that were behaving in unsafe or promiscuous ways were sex addicts, and there were not a lot of educated experts to help them. [3:33] Rob wrote the book Cruise Control in 2003, which is the first and only book of its kind. In 2013, he updated it to include the present-day landscape of certain drug use such as methamphetamines, social media and hook up apps, and marriage. [4:56] Gay men exist in different cultural expectancies and behavioral patterns than the heterosexual population. There is also a lack of cultural validation over time for long-term intimacy building. [5:31] Many gay men have grown up being encouraged to appear a certain way and hide or deny their sexuality. They are already accustomed to having a front-facing presentation to the world of who they really are not, which is also a what sex addicts possess. [6:22] Most gay men don’t get to date in high school and end up repressing their sexuality, so there is a delayed adolescence and they often explore sexuality, relationships and intimacy starting in their 20’s. [7:02] Unfortunately in the gay world, there aren’t a lot of role models for healthy long term dating and relationship building. Younger men often don’t get to see what a healthy gay coupleship looks like, because once gay men find their partners they typically leave the singles scenes and join the paired up community. [8:34] The tendency for males to want to dominate and lead may not produce the same type of synergistic male / female relationship that produces empathy, intimacy and compassion. If two men want to be together, they will have to learn these skills and work on their affiliation. On the other hand, lesbians usually need help with individuation in relationships, as they tend to enmesh quickly in the beginning. [9:54] If an individual is demeaned and devalued for their sexuality, it is natural for them to internalize and act out against it. [11:11] We don’t talk about HIV or AIDS very much anymore, even though we lost 350,000 people before we got medication. The cultural response is almost as if it didn’t happen, and that is something that gay men live with every day. [12:18] Men share common characteristics on how they view sexuality, relationships and intimacy. The traumas that drive straight men to act out sexually are the same ones in gay men. Men are visual by nature, and it’s not unusual for gay men to have body issues, food issues and stresses among their physical image. [13:58] Gay men act out in similar ways as straight men, whether it’s a hookup app, webcams, a club, or a one-night stand. Grindr has been helpful of taking gay men out of dark alleys and put them on the same dating and relationship ground as heterosexuals. [18:03] The #2 leading addiction problem in America after opioid addiction is ChemSex. It’s difficult to compartmentalize what pieces belong to the sex addiction, and what pieces belong to drug addiction. Recovery from meth and sex addiction is a long and challenging process. [20:34] In treating gay male sex addicts, it is imperative for the therapist to know the lingo and how gay men view sexual experiences, not pathologize, and know that they will most likely need to learn intimacy. They will need guidance on finding places, hobbies activities to go to where they can grow their community, receive peer support and build their skills without being sexual. The therapist must be open to many non typical therapy topics such as sex toys, threesomes and open relationships. [23:04] Many times gay men believe part of being gay is having many sexual partners and experiences. That may be the case, but doesn’t have to be true for someone that is relationship and commitment seeking. [24:55] In the healing process where heterosexual and gay men are both present, the men bond together as men, rather than necessarily around sexualization or homophobia.
RESOURCES Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men
QUOTES: “Being a gay male who is a sex addict, it’s a difficult thing to identify, own and work past because of the cultural issues that are involved.”
“There are fewer cultural boundaries for potentially excessive sexual behavior among gay men.”
“Most gay men already know how to do that (have a front facing presentation of themselves that didn’t fully show who they are) because they grew up hiding their sexuality.”
“Homosexuals have not had the 2-3000 years of relationship building experiences and skills, because it has never been acceptable.
“Being a gay woman or man means you live in a subculture that is exposed to extensive cultural, legal, and religious oppression directly related to your sexuality.”
“It all adds up to the same thing if you are an addict - that hole in the soul that never gets filled up and you are always running looking for a rescue.” | |||
| Healthy Dating in Recovery with Jonathon Taylor and Jackie Pack | 09 Aug 2018 | 00:39:01 | |
Jonathon Taylor and Jackie Pack are on a mission to help people know what healthy dating and true intimacy look like. On today’s episode, they join Rob for a talk about their own journey as Licensed Therapists, their great work with One Layer Deeper, the common struggles they find from men and women moving from addiction to dating, the mistakes addicts make when they do go back in the dating pool, and their very own Dating Intensives.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:00] Addicts tend to pick up other people’s issues and focus on the person they are dating rather than themselves, possibly to control and evade feelings of isolation and lack of control. [6:04] One of the things that surprises Jonathon and Jackie most in their work is the wants, needs and desires men and women show in relationships that may have otherwise been clouded and buried in addiction. [7:19] When a sex addict goes out in the dating world without the flirtation, seduction and the need for control, they are actually quite vulnerable. That fear and anxiety is a large part of what addicts try to avoid. [10:20] Profound changes happen in addiction within a group dynamic with the common intention is getting sober and supporting individual recovery. It’s scary often times for individuals to move into the “wild” dating scene where heartbreak, emotion and intimacy must occur to feel genuinely loved and appreciated. [11:57] Jackie and Jonathon speak about their Intensives, and how the outcomes usually are deeper and wider than ever imagined. [14:44] Love addicts realize that dating is a numbers game, and often when the second or third date isn’t working out, they just give up. When in actuality, dating in recovery is conversation, a “get to know you” type of activity such as a walk in the park, and short periods of time where you get together and get to know someone. There are multiple reasons people date including friendship and companionship, rather than just being enmeshed or focused on sex. [19:46] Jonathon and Jackie help men and women become informed and authentic partners within their own relationships. Whereas before someone may have felt unlovable and hopeless, they teach their clients how to pick a date based on appreciating someone for their core values. [25:29] Octytocin is the hormone in our brain that bonds us to our loved ones, and often released on the women’s behalf typically during sex. In Jonathon and Jackie’s intensive, they coach women on dating to enjoy themselves rather than sole focus of becoming bonded and dependent on their partner. [30:20] Jackie defines trauma as “anything else than nurturing at critical points.”
RESOURCES
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| Working with Betrayed Partners with Michelle Mays | 02 Aug 2018 | 00:36:25 | |
Michelle Mays joins the podcast to talk about how the model of working with partners of addicts, her own story of partner betrayal and how it fueled her to make a positive impact in the field, her complex betrayal trauma model, and how partners that have been cheated on finding their way to healing themselves and find peace again.
Michelle runs PartnerHope site and has an amazing treatment center of her own, the Center for Relational Recovery.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:25] Michelle Mays received her Masters in Counseling in 2001 in Seattle, Washington where she then opened a private practice. In 2005 she crossed the country and moved back to Northern Virginia where she opened a private practice in Leesburg. One of Michelle’s passions is to educate and train other counselors to become excellent providers of care and healing for clients. In 2011 Michelle founded the Center for Relational Recovery, a counseling and training center focused on providing leading-edge treatment to sex addicts, partners of sex addicts, trauma survivors, and those struggling with relationship issues. [2:45] Michelle herself was in a relationship with someone that was a sex addict, so she had her own journey dealing with the hurt and struggle of getting help. She found that many people didn’t understand addiction treatment, and they minimized her confusion, pain, anger and distress. [8:23] When betrayed partners come in reeling from the pain of infidelity, they are in the middle of an unfolding trauma. Michelle realizes that it is a very visceral response, and it’s important for the therapist to realize they are seeing people in the middle of a crisis. [11:23] It’s important for therapists to notice their own stress levels and deal with them appropriately rather than trying to lessen someone’s pain due to their own internal feelings of overwhelm to a strong and emotional reaction. [13:13] Grief counselors know that people are blaming themselves and feeling a lot of remorse. Rob’s experience is that partners coming in who have just been betrayed also are experiencing grief, and therefore remorse. [14:51] Michelle has developed a model for working with complex betrayal trauma, which looks at three different components that bleed together.
[27:23] The betrayed partners must fully understand the depth of the betrayal, so they can know all the information, feel the pain and move on. Michelle says it takes at least a year for the betrayed partner to begin to feel like themselves again in the relationship. [27:48] When partners do detective work, they may find bits and pieces that hurt them more. It takes the other partner to sit down and tell them everything so they can get a full idea of what’s happening. [30:01] The more Michelle looks at research on attachment, the more she understands why such a high number of partners stay together after a betrayal. [30:30] On her website for betrayed partners, Partner Hope, Michelle has written about the shame that betrayed partners feel when deciding to stay. Our cultural story about leaving and never looking back is very different from the reality of what is happening. [33:11] At the Center for Relational Recovery, Michelle and her team treat the addict, partner and the relationship all at one time.
RESOURCES Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Center for Relational Recovery michellemays@relationalrecovery.com
QUOTES:
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| The Courage to Love with Paul Ginocchio | 26 Jul 2018 | 00:35:00 | |
Today Rob welcomes respected colleague and filmmaker, Paul Ginocchio. Paul talks about his work as an MFT and CSAT, and the intention and inspiration behind creating his film The Courage to Love. He and Rob dig deeper on the difference between sex addiction and offending, the positive emotional impact upon men that stand up and speak out about their sexual problems, and about how Paul himself moved forward to find healing and redemption in his own struggles.
Paul’s willingness to share and put himself out there has created a path for many to help rebuild their own lives and find recovery and love that they may have never thought possible.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:09] Paul is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, MFT, CSAT, with a private practice in the San Francisco Bay area. He specializes in couples therapy, and the assessment and treatment of sexual addiction. Paul is also the creator of the film The Courage To Love, a pioneering documentary film about sex addiction that tells the personal journeys of four individuals from the shame of sexual addiction to the hope and healing of recovery. [5:07] In Paul’s personal case of sex addiction, he felt it became an almost pathological need for release and validation to gratify him as an individual and his own self-worth. In his teenage years, he felt like porn was the first red flag where he knew he was out of control, but didn’t know what the term for it was or where to even begin to seek help. [6:25] Paul went to his first meeting in the Mission District in San Francisco during the mid 90’s, and tells his account of how intimidating the first experience of talking about his issue was to him. He was petrified but knew he had something in common with the guys, even though their particular story was different than his. It took him a few years of attending on and off before he fully committed to the 12-step program with Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. [10:22] Paul encourages first-timers to commit to attending at least five meetings, and understand that it’s normal and natural to compare yourself to others in the room, both for better or worse. [11:49] Paul has a background in documentary filmmaking and possessed a love for making film and videos since childhood. As part of his 11-step he went to a 10 day silent meditation retreat, and the idea of the film and the title came to him as he was mid-retreat. He started shooting it 2007 while in grad school as a therapist, and first tried to pull from his connections within S.L.A.A, but quickly realized most people wanted to remain anonymous and weren’t ready to be public about their addiction and struggles. Despite his initial hesitation, he appeared as a subject in the video, and found Jay by googling “sex addiction memoirs”. Jay then introduced him to Greg, and years later Silvia got in touch and she was added, which has been a saving grace to connect females to the film. [15:56] Paul chose to go even beyond sex addiction and include Jay, who was an offender and who acts out in exhibitionism. [17:46] Exhibitionism and voyeurism are misdemeanor offenses, and often have highly addictive components. Sexual offending is exhibiting and engaging in nonconsensual sex and/or behavior. The Courage to Love film gives hope to the offender community, that there is a place to go and get help. [21:46] Paul talks about how the film has affected his work as a therapist, and the ability for the stories in the film to inspire others to open up and share their own stories. If he had to make a new film today, he would broaden the perspective to include the partner and spouses of addicts and couples in recovery. [30:15] The landscape of today’s modern digital age produces a much different plight than over the recent decades.
RESOURCES Out of the Doghouse for Christian Men The Courage to Love on YouTube Robert Weiss on Megyn Kelly Today Discussing Female Sex Addiction
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| Rebuilding the Lost Connection in Human Sexuality with Dr. Carol Clark | 19 Jul 2018 | 00:38:14 | |
Dr. Carol Clark, Board Certified Sex Therapist and Board Certified Transgender Care Therapist, joins Ron for a talk on human sexuality, addiction and intimacy. She and Rob discuss what it really means to be a sex addict, the difference between true addiction and a behavior that is deemed unacceptable, and how we face, process, and move forward in situations that are often confusing and difficult.
Lastly, Dr. Clark shares the variety of interventions that she currently uses to assist clients seeking personal growth and mental health. She is Certified in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and specializes in treating sex addiction and gender dysphoria.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:51] Dr. Clark gets a lot of questions relating to sexuality and sexual identity from both couples and individuals. She breaks down the definition and meaning behind the words “gay”, “bixsexual” and “homosexuality”, and how they relate to sex and gender, and addiction. [5:03] Dr. Clark defines addiction as, “obsessive compulsive, out of control behavior done in spite of negative consequences to self or others.” In a sex addiction, sex is the drug of choice. There are many aspects to sexuality and attraction, including development in puberty and adolescent stage of life. To fully know if someone is an addict, there is much to be discovered, history to uncover and analyzing the energy that goes into the behavior. [9:56] When we get stuck at different parts of life, we must address the trauma, no matter how small. It’s traumatic for an individual to question their orientation with their loved ones denying their feelings or even threatening impending consequences if they were to follow their impulses. Rob sees people from very conservative or morality driven environments struggle with sexuality more than people who don’t come from those environments. [11:54] When someone is looking to get help, or even just to uncover what may be going on with their own arousal or orientation issues, it is important they seek someone that has education in Human Sexuality. [14:27] Whereas intimacy is about connection, addiction is about disconnection. Rob quotes a friend, “Sex for sex addicts, with a partner who they are really committed to, is not about being horny, it’s about being willing.” A lot of sex addicts are so used to being immediately aroused by a new stimulus, they often feel disappointed when they don’t feel that with their long term steady partners. [16:28] Dr. Clark’s book, Addict America: The Lost Connection, explores our culture’s tendency to look externally for internal validation. This never fills us, and sends us into an addictive place, seeking more with no success. [18:25] Rob explains the term secondary gains, and how for some people it may be just a simple behavior such as going to get a drink, or having sex as a way to foster intimacy and connection. For others, they will do a behavior to try and fill their void, or numb their pain. [23:21] Dr. Clark says that when someone comes in to her office who has been encouraged to deny or push away any part of who they inherently are, there is much work to be done. [23:40] Dr. Clark helps her clients process negative events and turn them around through EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. After they reprocess the old memories, they can move forward and explore what is congruent with their own beliefs. [30:43] No couples are going to agree 100% of the time on sexual desires and what makes them aroused. Dr. Clark and Rob both agree that what is important is the communication between partners to identify what works for that particular relationship. The world of sex addiction is becoming less rigid about a one size fits all approach for everyone, and becoming articulated towards what works for that individual and their love lives.
RESOURCES Out of the Doghouse for Christian Men Addict America: The Lost Connection Therapy Certification Training
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| The Cultural Era of Narcissism with Tara Lemasters | 12 Jul 2018 | 00:35:19 | |
In a world of self-centered social media and “it’s about me” culture, the work Tara Lemasters is doing is of utmost importance. Tara is a Licensed Therapist and an expert on the issue of narcissism, what it is and what it’s not, and our need to understand more deeply what a diagnosis of narcissism means. She and Rob also discuss when exhibitions of narcissism are normal and healthy vs. when self-obsession begins to take a turn into something much darker, and the difference between narcissist self-obsession and real empathy.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:24] Narcissism is almost something that is correlated with addiction. Most people that have problems with drugs and alcohol also have problems with how they see themselves. [2:05] Over the past 5 years, the term narcissism has become embraced in every relationship situation in our culture. The problem is not the word itself, but when a narcissist finds themselves more attached to their needs and addictions then the people they care about, with no fear of suffering consequences. [4:00] The term Narcissism is derived from Narcissus, a figure from Greek Mythology. This mythical being was so handsome that he fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water. [4:53] Our material and outward focused culture supports narcissism and the belief of “I must have / get more to succeed and be liked.” Social media also supports the tendency for us to show off or portray certain things to get likes or shares, making us feel more important and connected. [6:22] Rob explains how every addict is a narcissist when engaged in their addictions. It shows up in sex addicts when it is an abandonment of core values and beliefs, at the expense of compartmentalizing what they want, when they want it. The addicts puts the need to satisfy their own needs above others, and hide it so they can have their cake and eat it too. [9:38] Tara believes that the process of healing is a process of creating greater empathy for oneself personally, and for the people in their life that their actions have an impact on. When Tara’s clients start to experience grief regarding how their actions have affected who they loved ones, a crack of empathy starts to come through. [11:20] In the early stages of healing, Rob often sees narcissist self-obsession, where the addict is worried or upset about how judgements hurts and affects them, and their self image. Later on in the healing process, when they feel true empathy, the focus will be on how their actions impacted their loved ones. [13:14] Expectations do not always reflect reality when a partner wishes for their narcissist partner to heal and deal with their issue quickly. It may often take a while, and this can be very frustrating for a partner whose world has been shattered. Tara recommends that the hurt partner focus as much as they can on self-care and finding support of their own. [19:57] Narcissistic people tend to lack empathy, so they will do whatever pleases them the most, and not think about how that affects the people around them. There is a difference between narcissism and sociopathy, where narcissism tend to have intact remorse which may be brought out during treatment, but sociopaths are incapable of feeling empathy whatsoever. [24:46] Most men are problem solvers, and want to fix the problem they created. Their version of making things better may be radically different than how long it takes for their partner to heal from the hurt of their actions. [30:49] After a betrayal and initial trust is broken, it can never be the same again. Partners must rebuild together from the ground up, and it’s very similar to rebuilding a house from scratch.
RESOURCES Out of the Doghouse for Christian Men
QUOTES: “Narcissism implies that the externals is going to help determine how you think of me. Our culture certainly supports that.”
“An addict by definition is a narcissist.”
“Real empathy is not about you at all. It’s about understanding what others are going through as a result of how you treated them.”
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| Celebrating Community, Opening Dialogue and Changing the Game: Dr. James Wadley | 05 Jul 2018 | 00:30:58 | |
Dr. James Wadley is on a mission to bring openness and community to those from all walks of life that may otherwise have shied away from stepping forward to get help for themselves or their families. He is an advocate and voice for healing across the world and is passionate about working with both those in the community and training the professional leaders that work with them. He is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of Human Services program at The Lincoln University and licensed professional counselor in Pennsylvania and New Jersey. He is the founding editor of the scholarly, interdisciplinary journal, the Journal of Black Sexuality and Relationships (University of Nebraska Press).
Dr. Wadley talks with Rob about his background in education and educational leadership, his program development to help African Americans know where to turn when seeking treatment, and ways to improve the current structure so everyone feels welcome and deserving to be part of whatever it is that will serve them towards their health. He and Rob also discuss the ways that African American communities are typically underserved when it comes to mental health and addiction programs, especially sexual addiction, how we can help minorities step out of the hidden secrets of addiction and into the light of healing and hope.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:52] Dr. Wadley has worked with African Americans and minority groups for many decades, and still finds misconceptions, and mistrust around the community and medical and mental health professions. It is great for someone struggling to get initial support and advice from a member in the community or social group, but non-medical help can only go so far, and oftentimes their response comes from a pre existing belief, stereotype or myth. [5:06] Dr. Wadley and his colleagues actively try to work towards people having a “sex positive” approach towards sexuality. This means facing and dealing with the stigma and trauma of sexual expression in the African decent, whether it’s stereotypes surrounding the community, or the way they express their own sexual identity. [7:16] Rob and Dr. Wadley run into the same type of problems, but in different ways. Minority groups tend to not seek out professional help for their issue, and even when they do, the factor of access and finding a professional of a similar minority is usually of importance as well. [8:18] Although other cultures deal with sexual addiction just as much as the white culture, there are several factors that make up why they seek professional and 12-step treatment groups less. First, if they walk in and see that they are the only representative of their minority, they are less likely to open up and share, thus reducing the likelihood of ever returning again. [11:08] Dr. Wadley finds that spending time in the community is a way to at least open the conversation with people regarding their sexual behavior and help them get their guard down to see that there is no judgement or stigma around seeking help. [15:08] Dr. Wadley credits a lot of his success to the positive and inspirational people around him. [18:02] Although the communities may be different, the pain and shame of addiction is the same across the board no matter race or ethnicity. The top sexual issues among Rob’s young male clients are the same as Dr. Wadley’s - online porn, hookup apps, traditional affair / anonymous sex and prostitutes. Seeking out help online is better for anonymity, but individuals must be in the know that they are expected to share vulnerably everything they are dealing with. [21:22] Rob and Dr. Wadley discuss the difference of options when a couple has financial means and resources vs. when they need to stay together because divorce or separating just isn’t an option financially. [26:42] On a recent trip to Cuba, Dr. Wadley appreciated how he could fully experience the culture, as it is one of the few places that hasn’t been colonized.
RESOURCES Dr. James Wadley The Journal of Black Sexuality and Relationships Association of Black Sexologists and Clinicians
QUOTES: “While people in the community may be able to listen and give advice, they are not mental health professionals.”
“My work is to try my best to empower not only those people who are indigenous to the community, but also to work with the folks who work with folks in those communities in having a level of acceptance and appreciation towards diversity.”
“Minorities tend to want to keep their problems to themselves.”
“I allow my spirit to lead me.”
We as therapists and healers have to figure out how to provide access to those folks who probably can’t afford us.”
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| Redemption and Recovery with Tom Ryan | 28 Jun 2018 | 00:36:20 | |
Today’s topic is one of the most important, yet least covered subjects matter in sex addiction - redemption. Rob is joined by special guest Tom Ryan to talk about recovery, hope, the dichotomy of holding a position of power and prestige when dealing with an addiction, and when it’s okay to not get it right the first time, or the second. Tom is a spiritual community leader, father, husband and has much to share on the struggles of living a hidden life of denial and escapism. Tom is the author of Ashamed No More, and is Founding and Executive Director of Living Integrated, an organization that helps individuals with compulsive sexual behaviors find hope and healing by integrating their spirituality with healthy recovery practices.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:10] Tom attended the University of Missouri and earned a bachelor’s degree in education. He got involved with a youth ministry at a local church, and that led him to follow his divine calling to professional ministry. His life was a true dichotomy between spirituality, religion and the struggle of a compulsive sexual addiction. [7:45] Sex addiction can escalate and grow. Tom found himself continuously drawing the line of his boundaries further away from his morals, and then feeling the guilt and shame that came along with the emptiness and loneliness of living a secret addicted life. There is a tendency to call someone a hypocrite, liar or fraud instead of someone that is deeply struggling with painful issues. [11:14] Tom found help and visited a therapist, who recommended the book Out of the Shadows by Dr. Patrick Carnes. He cites the experience of discovering this work as “breathtaking”, because it showed him that he wasn’t alone, and he wasn’t a failure. [15:39] Tom and Rob discuss the disconnection and isolation that comes with addiction. Much like eating potato chips when you are hungry, you are satisfying an urge with an impulse that in the long run isn’t good or healthy for you, and doesn’t make you any less hungry than when you first started. [16:45] Tom and his therapist worked together to help Tom find a trusted friend to listen to his real story, and one who he could share his vulnerability with, and who would show up for Tom. [21:06] Tom shares how he came out to his wife as an addict, and the impact the disclosure had on his healing and marriage. Years later, Tom learned a lot, progressed through his treatment, but still felt ashamed that he didn’t have sustained sobriety, and his public persona didn’t honor who he was privately. [28:27] Tom hit his lowest point in 2008 when he was arrested. He felt ashamed that he had already been in treatment and been out as an addict to his loved ones, and still was acting out. [31:56] Many of the other faith leaders both Rob and Tom have worked with hold a sincere motivation to help others and follow their calling, but are stuck in the negative loop of their addiction, and often find it even harder to get help due to their elevated position. [32:02] In addition to Tom coming back on the show, there is a possibility of “Tom’s Corner” on Rob’s website, Sex and Relationship Healing. This will be a safe space for religious leaders and workers to connect with others and talk about their addiction, no matter what point of it they are currently at.
RESOURCES Sex Addiction 101 Mark Salling Out of the Shadows by Dr. Patrick Carnes
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| Drug and Sex Addiction (chem-sex) with Dr. David Fawcett | 21 Jun 2018 | 00:36:29 | |
Today’s episode features Dr. David Fawcett, therapist, author of Lust, Men and Meth, and expert in methamphetamines and stimulants in sexual behavior. David and Rob discuss trends in drug use among the gay male and female population, the frequent co-occurrence of both sex and drug addictions, risk factors and consequences of meth use, and the need for disruption in therapy to update training, assessment, and treatment.
David works hard to eliminates the stigma around addiction, and advocates to look at the whole picture of addiction rather than compartmentalizing it. He frequently presents workshops on LGBT health, addiction, HIV, and co-occurring disorders both in the US and internationally.
TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] We are in the middle of a dangerous trend. For about the last twenty years, we have seen a rise of stimulant abuse, particularly methamphetamines and cocaine in conjunction with sexual behavior. We have also seen a change in what kind of meth is coming in, as it’s much higher grade and leading to addiction in a quicker and more powerful way than ever before. [3:42] Meth and stimulants can be bonded with all types of behavior, not all sexually related. However, when used in conjunction with sexual behavior, people develop a dependence on the drug to perform in any capacity. David has noticed a trend with young gay men to skip over the pills and go right to the injectibles such as Trimix to treat erectile dysfunction. [5:36] The opioid crisis is certainly worth the mention and attention it has been getting in mainstream media, but meth overdoses are actually outpacing opioid-related ones. [6:39] Methamphetamine is a synthetic molecule that is neurotoxic and sits on the receptors for 9-10 hours, providing a surge and eventually the depletion of our “feel good” neurotransmitter dopamine. [7:44] Dopamine rewards behavior that helps us seek rewards in order to survive. The most natural way we release dopamine is through sex. [9:44] David sees many of his clients use meth to try and numb and dissociate negative feelings such as shame, isolation, and trauma. Over time, he has seen it most commonly in his clients that are gay men but is also now seeing it rise in the female population and eating disorder world as well. [10:50] There are a host of psychological and physiological severe consequences in meth use including brain damage, suicidal thoughts and actions, and cardiac issues. [12:53] Not all drug users become addicted. David discusses that although about 20% of drug users are led to addiction, the consequences are extremely severe. [13:05] David and Rob explain that meth and sexual addiction usually must be treated simultaneously. If one is a meth addict, chances addictions merge and work in tandem, creating a sex addiction as well. [15:57] Sexual addiction is often not addressed in drug treatment, left untreated may be a factor to lead the individual back to using. [18:20] There’s been a model of how we view addiction, and it’s been based on substances for 50 or 60 years, with a cultural resistance to natural occurring addiction such as sex and eating disorders. That model is changing, and more therapists and training programs are beginning to understand the repercussions and need for assessment of behavioral or process addictions. [21:38] Rob and David discuss the importance of finding a therapist that is well versed in the specialty one is seeking focused help. [25:45] David and Rob role play a typical call of someone seeking help for addiction and a potential therapist. [28:20] Therapists must do a more detailed assessment of sexual history as it related to addiction, and be hypersensitive to the level of shame, fear, trauma that their clients are bringing in to the treatment. It’s also important to help the client envision how sexuality is going to unfold in a healthy way in recovery.
RESOURCES Sex Addiction 101 David Fawcett Lust, Men, and Meth: A Gay Man’s Guide to Sex and Recovery
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| Foundation of Hope: The 12 Steps Way to Healing from Trauma with Dr. Jamie Marich and Dr. Stephen Dansiger | 28 Sep 2023 | 00:55:26 | |
Dr. Jamie Marich is a facilitator of transformative experiences. A clinical trauma specialist, expressive artist, writer, yoga teacher, performer, short filmmaker, Reiki master, TEDx speaker, and recovery advocate. Marich has taught conscious dance seminars at various conferences nationally, internationally, and online, and has trained more than 500 facilitators in the Dancing Mindfulness practice. She is also the author of several books including the original Trauma and the 12 Steps.
Dr. Stephen Dansiger is a master EMDR therapist and provider of EMDR Basic Training and Advanced Topics Courses with the Institute for Creative Mindfulness, and has helped set up the premiere Buddhist addictions rehab center, Refuge Recovery Centers. He has been practicing Buddhist mindfulness for almost 30 years (including a one year residency at a Zen monastery), and teaches dharma classes regularly in Los Angeles and other centers internationally.
TAKEAWAYS: [3:40] Why did Dr. Jamie and Dr. Stephen write a Trauma and the 12 Steps workbook? [6:40] Dr. Jamie loves writing books because it’s accessible for everyone, especially those who might not be able to afford therapy. [7:35] What made Dr. Stephen excited to collaborate with Dr. Jamie? [11:55] How do people heal their trauma while they’re also reliving it? [13:40] What is the greatest gift about being a therapist specializing in trauma? [17:00] Why throw 12-step practices into this mix of trauma and healing? [21:00] People enjoy the structure that 12 Steps brings and it makes it easier for them to follow a healing journey if they know what to expect. [30:00] Dr. Jamie talks about Step 6 and how it can perpetuate feelings of shame. [33:40] Now that you know about your trauma, what are the next steps? It’s important not to fall into a victim mindset. [43:30] What is mindfulness, really? [47:55] Many people who have come into a 12-step program have been wounded by God, and end up missing out on a wealth of knowledge and healing. [50:20] What books should you start with first?
RESOURCES: Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss
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| Shame, Honor and Culture with Sam Louie | 14 Jun 2018 | 00:39:38 | |
Trauma, abuse, and addiction happen everywhere, it doesn’t matter what class or culture. Today’s guest, Sam Louie, is a psychotherapist specializing in treating shame, trauma and a host of addictions. Sam is on a mission to reach more of the Asian - American culture and help them with their heavy shame and cultural stigmas surrounding addiction. Sam reflects on his own experience of addiction and then getting help, gives more information on Japanese culture as it relates to addiction and shame, and how he went from feeling defective to comfortable in his own skin and a role model for others. Lastly, Sam shares ways we can outreach to communities that may be different than ours to help others rise above the shame and embarrassment that go along with addiction.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:01] Sam Louie is a psychotherapist, blogger, and speaker on cultural shame and addictions. Sam is also an Emmy Award-Winning former broadcast journalist who continues to write. His books include, "Asian Shame and Addiction: Suffering in Silence" and "Slanted Eyes: The Asian-American Poetic Experience". On a personal note, Sam is a first-generation immigrant from Hong Kong who grew up amidst 3 generations of addictions. [3:46] Sam shares that one of the challenges with minority cultures and specifically Asian - American cultures getting help for their addiction is the feeling of cultural shame. Asians are collectivists by nature, meaning that instead of a focus on individualism, they put an emphasis on cohesiveness among the groups (family, society, government) in their world both on a small and large scale. Sam explains further that a lot of it is based on Confucian views where obedience and order are the common denominators. [6:02] Sam recalls how he first learned at a very early age how important it is to honor the family name above all else. [9:39] In the teenage years, traditional Asian values confronted with American tendency to rebel and strike out as an individual can be a confusing and conflicting time. [11:18] Shame can run deep in the Asian - American culture for cases of addiction, sexual issues and divorce. Sam speaks of a Chinese saying where shame can run 8 generations deep. [13:19] Sam shares how suicide in the Japanese culture can be seen as a way to get back honor and not shame their family. [16:01] In his youth, Sam encountered a role model in his Pastor, who showed vulnerability, encouragement and support. [19:44] In the Japanese culture, sexual shame even as the victim, reflects on breaking the code of honor within your family. [22:42] Sam reads one of his poems and explains the meaning behind the words. He then shares how his addictive and compulsive tendencies started emerging in childhood. [25:02] Children who are profoundly neglected and who experience emotional and physical neglect have to figure out how to comfort and validate themselves. This is where a lot of addiction stems from. [33:10] Educating yourself first on the nature of addiction is key. Then, finding someone of your ethnic background or cultural identification can help very much on the road to recovery.
RESOURCES Sex Addiction 101 Asian Shame and Addiction: Suffering in Silence Slanted Eyes: The Asian - American Poetic Experience
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| Spirituality and Addiction: What does one have to do with the other with Mark Anthony Lord | 07 Jun 2018 | 00:34:25 | |
Mark Anthony Lord is an expert in the area of spirituality and recovery. As an author, coach, speaker, and minister, Mark sees firsthand the damage that addiction can impart upon one’s spirituality and faith. When we heal, Mark believes it must be first from within. As a Reverend, Mark helps people from all walks of life become back in tune with their spiritually, or possibly even connect for the first time. He and Rob also talk about the isolating nature of addiction, the connection between God and sexuality, and fostering the one relationship that we can count on no matter what the circumstances, the one between ourselves and our higher power.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:46] Dealing with spirituality is one of the hardest challenges that sex addicts tend to have, whether it’s their own personal morality, or within the healing process. Betrayed partners also take issue with feeling as though they were living in a giant lie based upon their partners faith versus their actions of bad behavior. [3:00] Mark believes that addiction is a spiritual disease which disconnects an individual from their spirit of creativity, love, joy and generosity. Addiction affects us first spiritually, and drains our zeal for life. [4:26] The tendency for sex addicts to compartmentalize bad behavior is a way of perpetuating the cycle of disconnection, mistrust and unworthiness, thus leading to even more disconnection. [8:14] Mark loves doing exercises to reconnect people with their life affirming and life-giving passions. Whether it’s nature, family, work or service, we all get excited by something deep inside. [10:44] Although their paths of treatment are different, both Mark and Rob are doing work where people connect both with themselves, their own pain and ultimately, learning to take joy in the basic human connections around us. [13:26] One of the challenges about religion currently is the feeling that one must be “good” and “together” to partake in it, instead of it feeling like a salvation for those that need it most. Mark discusses some spiritually bankrupt religious leaders that could have used some connection in their soul. [16:25] A lot of people living in duality feel as though they must be afraid or fearful of God. They must be courageous to explore their own broken relationship with God, and heal it to move forward with recovery. [18:32] In the 12-step program, Mark has seen miracles happen time and time again once people connect with their own spirituality and begin to connect with the human experience in an open and vulnerable way. [19:26] Mark explains his belief that God and sex do not have to be separate, and that the power in both God and sexual energy in a healthy human being are aligned. [24:59] Our childhood attachments and security impacts our outlook on love, security and trust in the world. Mark believes the more of a broken upbringing one has, the more important it is to seek spirituality and a higher power. [26:10] Expecting people to never let us down or disappoint us, will always keep us separated and disconnected from our human experience. A big part of being spiritually in tune is to love others despite their flaws. [28:55] Mark feels that marriage is for the exact reason of loving one another through our brokenness. It doesn’t necessarily mean staying or leaving after a betrayal, just to love ourselves unconditionally.
RESOURCES To contact Mark Anthony Lord: lordmarkanthony@gmail.com
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| Helping Heal Addiction with Dr. Rob and Tami | 31 May 2018 | 00:36:41 | |
Tami VerHelst has been working with Rob for over 15 years in the field of sex, love and relationship addiction. She has been central to many therapists and is often times the very first person someone talks to when they are in crisis mode and undergoing a trauma. People with sexual addictions are often filled with shame and embarrassment, and she continues to be the lifeline that shows them that help is out there. Tami also talks about the difficulties of treating sex addiction compared to other addictions, the importance of getting help from an expert, the programs she is currently working to develop through Seeking Integrity, how she decides where to send someone to get help, and important resources for sex addicts and their partners looking for help and hope.
TAKEAWAYS: [1:51] Despite all the different stories and cases Tami has heard, she always looks at it through the lens of helping someone alleviate their pain. [2:43] When people first call Tami, they can do so anonymously. This takes away the fear of judgment that usually comes with admitting there is an addiction. [4:44] One of the most challenging issues Tami faces is people choosing to overcome the stigma and shame and follow through to contact the resources for support that she provides. [7:23] While drug and alcohol behavior may be able to be ended completely, sexual addiction and food disorders require a perimeter of what is healthy for the individual since sex and hunger are two of our natural desires. [13:35] Each addiction is quite unique and requires its own focus. Many times questions about sexual behavior are overlooked in the mental health field. [14:07] Tami has been in the field for so long that she knows the right questions to ask people to find them the appropriate help and resources. [16:31] If the partner gets good support and the addict gets solid help, they have a greater chance of getting through the trauma of betrayal. [19:49] Tami has seen more women acting with typical male characteristic behavior in the past five years. The world has changed dramatically with the advent of numerous apps that make it as easy as the click of a button to get sex. [23:53] For many addicts, it’s almost more exciting to search for sex and build to orgasm than the actual intercourse itself. [26:17] It is very important for the partner to stand up, draw a line in the sand, and not stand for their partner to continue on with harmful and hurtful behavior. It is also important throughout the treatment for the partner to get their own help and support as well. [33:10] To contact Tami directly, email her at: tami@seekingintegrity.org. [34:15] Tami herself struggled with addiction. She credits her amazing life with recovery and takes great pleasure in giving back.
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