In this episode of Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT, and Dr. Kevin Skinner, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT, continue their series on rebuilding life after betrayal trauma by focusing on one of the most essential—and most difficult—parts of healing: connection.

After betrayal, many survivors begin questioning not only their relationship, but their entire sense of safety with people. Dr. Skinner shares research showing that betrayal trauma often impacts our perception of trust, causing many to withdraw from friends, family, peers, and support systems. Isolation can feel safer in the short term, but healing rarely happens alone.

Together, MaryAnn and Dr. Skinner explore:

• Why betrayal trauma often leads to isolation and avoidance
• The nervous system’s fear of vulnerability and connection
• How secrecy and carrying trauma alone impacts the body and mind
• The healing power of support groups and safe relationships
• Common fears and barriers people experience when considering group support
• Why not all groups feel emotionally safe—and how to find healthy support
• The importance of “parking lot conversations” and authentic connection outside formal group time
• How healing happens through validation, attachment, and being truly seen
• The role of safe relationships in calming PTSD symptoms and rebuilding trust
• Attachment wounds, exclusion trauma, and the brain’s response to rejection
• How helping and supporting others in recovery also strengthens our own healing

Dr. Skinner shares powerful clinical stories illustrating how even one safe relationship can begin to regulate the nervous system and shift long-held beliefs of “I’m alone” into “I matter.” The conversation highlights how group healing is often less about the curriculum and more about the relationships formed through shared vulnerability and understanding.

MaryAnn also discusses:

• The difference between structured therapy groups and 12-step groups
• Why some group formats may feel triggering or invalidating
• Reframing harmful “co-addict” or codependency messaging through a trauma-informed lens
• The importance of finding people who can witness pain without minimizing it
• How collective healing creates growth, insight, and hope

This episode is a compassionate reminder that while connection after betrayal can feel terrifying, safe relationships are often one of the most transformative parts of recovery.

Key Takeaways

• Betrayal trauma frequently disrupts a person’s ability to trust others.
• Isolation may feel protective, but long-term healing requires safe connection.
• Group support can reduce shame, normalize experiences, and provide emotional regulation.
• Being witnessed in pain creates attachment and healing.
• One safe, nurturing relationship can profoundly impact recovery.
• Healing often happens collectively through shared stories, validation, and support.

Resources

• Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal by Kevin Skinner
• Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
• Secure by Amir Levine
• Sue Johnson and attachment-based healing concepts
• Patrick Carnes recommendation: attend a group multiple times before deciding if it’s a fit
• Grief After Betrayal Impact Scale Survey - please consider taking a few minutes to help with our ongoing research. 
• Visit Humanintimacy.com for the Rise Companion Course, Courses on Communication, Boundaries and both Individual and Couple Healing. 

Listener Invitation

If you are navigating betrayal trauma and feeling isolated, this episode encourages you to consider reaching out for support. Whether through therapy, group work, trusted friendships, or community, healing often begins when someone says: “I see you. You matter. You are not alone.”

 

Finding Yourself After Betrayal: Identity and the 8 C’s of Self with Kris Cristiano (Rise Season 2, Episode 19)

In this episode of Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT and Kris Cristiano, LCSW, CSAT, explore one of the deepest and most painful questions betrayal trauma survivors face:

“Who am I now?”

When betrayal shatters trust, it often disrupts identity, self-concept, confidence, joy, and connection to self. Together, MaryAnn and Kris unpack the healing process of rediscovering your core self while also making space for the ways trauma and life experiences fundamentally change us.

Through personal stories, clinical insight, humor, and practical tools, this conversation explores individuation, differentiation, dissociation, nervous system healing, and reconnecting with authenticity after trauma.

In This Episode

• How betrayal trauma distorts identity and self-concept
• Why many survivors feel disconnected from themselves
• The difference between survival mode and authentic living
• Reconnecting with values, interests, joy, creativity, and play
• Why healing is not about “going back” but reconnecting with your core self
• The importance of nervous system regulation in trauma recovery
• How storytelling helps integrate trauma and rebuild identity
• Why fun, laughter, and play are essential parts of healing
• Understanding dissociation and compartmentalization during betrayal trauma
• Practical grounding exercises to reconnect with yourself

Key Themes Discussed Rediscovering Who You Are

MaryAnn and Kris discuss how betrayal can cause people to abandon parts of themselves in order to survive, maintain relationships, or keep systems functioning. Healing often involves intentionally reclaiming lost parts of identity — even through small things like favorite foods, hobbies, humor, music, creativity, or values.

The Role of Trauma in Identity

Trauma changes the brain, nervous system, emotional responses, and worldview. Survivors may struggle with concentration, joy, emotional regulation, or activities they once loved. The episode emphasizes patience, self-compassion, and understanding that healing takes time.

Nervous System Healing

The conversation explores practices that help regulate the nervous system, including:

• Meditation
• Yoga
• Walking
• Singing
• Dancing
• Play
• Safe social connection
• Intentionality
• Emotional processing

Dissociation and Presence

MaryAnn shares how betrayal trauma can create a dream-like sense of disconnection from reality and self. The discussion includes practical ways to stay grounded and present while also honoring overwhelming emotions and triggers.

Storytelling and Meaning-Making

Kris explains how sharing our stories in safe spaces helps the brain integrate trauma, close emotional loops, and rebuild identity over time.

The 8 C’s of Self in IFS

Drawing from Internal Family Systems (IFS), the episode references the “8 C’s” — qualities associated with the core Self when we are grounded, centered, and not led by fear or trauma parts:

• Calm
• Clarity
• Compassion
• Confidence
• Courage
• Creativity
• Connectedness
• Curiosity

The conversation explores how healing often involves reconnecting with these qualities rather than abandoning who we truly are.

Memorable Moments

• The story of “watermelon” as a symbol of reclaiming identity after decades of self-abandonment
• The “what kind of eggs do you actually like?” metaphor from Runaway Bride
• Why “fun is part of recovery”
• MaryAnn’s reflections on reconnecting with humor and play after trauma
• The reminder that healing is not linear, rushed, or one-dimensional

Listener Reflection Questions

• Who was I before betrayal?
• What parts of myself have I abandoned?
• What activities, interests, or values made me feel most alive?
• What brings me peace, joy, creativity, or connection today?
• What small step could help me reconnect with myself this week?

Resources

• The Body Keeps the Score - Bessel van der Kolk
• Stephen Covey - Start with the End in Mind
• The Color Code - Dr. Taylor Hartman
• GABIS https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/Grief-scale
• Boundary Basics https://www.humanintimacy.com/course/boundary-basics
• Explore guided support and recovery tools: humanintimacy.com
• youtube.com/@human-intimacy

 

In this powerful continuation of last week’s conversation, MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT is joined again by Pastor Daryl Brazell, PSAP  where they unpack the deeper dynamics of deception in sexual betrayal, based on Darrell's work with Dr. Omar Minwalla. 

Together they expand on Minwalla's secret sexual basement metaphor, explore how secrecy, shame, and manipulation create an “intentionally manipulated reality”—a gaslighting dynamic that can leave partners questioning their instincts, their memories, and even their connection to their own intuition.

Daryl shares a visual model originally developed by Dr. Omar Minwalla, which illustrates the painful forced choice many betrayed partners experience: believing their partner’s words or trusting what their body and gut already know.

The conversation also introduces the concept of Integrity Abuse Behaviors—patterns of deception and manipulation that maintain the secret sexual life at the expense of the partner’s emotional and psychological safety.

Listeners will hear:

• How gaslighting and manipulated reality erode a partner’s trust in their own instincts

• The “Zero Factor”: how toxic shame and hidden secrets undermine intimacy and connection

• Why betrayed partners often feel trapped between their gut intuition and attachment bond

• The three phases of deceptive sexuality as identified by Dr. Omar Minwalla

  • Covert Phase – when the secret life is hidden

  • Exposure Phase – discovery and disclosure

  • Symptom Progression Phase – the long aftermath after discovery

• Common Integrity Abuse behaviors such as lying by omission, blame shifting, manipulation, and withholding critical information

• Why many betrayed partners feel isolated, confused, and unsure who or what to trust

• How naming and understanding these patterns helps begin the grief and healing process

MayAnn also discusses why grief is an essential part of recovery. When we finally have language for what happened, the brain can begin integrating the emotional experience with a coherent story—allowing healing to begin.

If this conversation brings up strong emotions, we encourage you to pause, journal, or reach out to a trusted support person. Naming these experiences can be painful—but it is also an important step toward reclaiming clarity and healing.

Resources Mentioned

• The Grief After Betrayal Impact Scale (GABIS) survey

• Human Intimacy Conference recordings available at HumanIntimacy.com

• Integrity Abuse Behavior lists and recovery resources referenced by Pastor Brazell

Share the Podcast

If this episode resonates with you, please consider sharing it with someone who may need support on their healing journey. No one should have to navigate betrayal trauma alone.

The Hidden Damage of Betrayal: The Secret Sexual Basement & the Grief We Don’t See with Darrell Brazell, PSAP (Rise Season 2, Episode 9) Show Notes

In this powerful conversation, MaryAnn Michaelis LCSW, CSAT, CPTT, welcomes pastor, recovery leader, and longtime colleague Darrel Brazell PSAP, to explore one of the most validating frameworks for understanding betrayal trauma: Dr. Omar Minwalla’s “Secret Sexual Basement.”

Many betrayed partners sense that something is wrong long before the truth is revealed. They smell the “toxic fumes,” feel the disconnection, and question their own instincts—often because years of gaslighting have forced them to doubt what their body and intuition already know.

In this episode, MaryAnn and Darrel unpack why betrayal trauma creates such profound grief—and why that grief often extends far beyond the behaviors themselves.

Together they explore how deception erodes trust not only in a partner, but in one’s own gut, voice, health, identity, and even faith.

If you’ve ever wondered why betrayal feels so disorienting and devastating, this conversation will help put words to experiences many partners struggle to explain.

In This Episode

The Secret Sexual Basement metaphor How hidden sexual behavior creates a toxic relational environment long before discovery.

 Intentionally Manipulated Reality (IMR) Why gaslighting forces partners into an impossible “lose–lose” decision between trusting their gut or trusting their partner.

 The “Second Brain” Injury How chronic deception damages the gut-brain connection and leads many partners to lose trust in their own instincts.

 Betrayal Blindness and Self-Abandonment Why partners often suppress what they know internally in order to maintain attachment and emotional survival.

 The physical toll of betrayal trauma How chronic stress, suppression of emotions, and relational trauma may contribute to health issues.

 Faith and spiritual wounding after betrayal Why many partners experience deep spiritual grief when betrayal intersects with faith, marriage covenants, and religious communities.

 Why grief work is essential for healing Darrel shares a powerful truth: those who heal well are often those who learn to grieve well.

Resources Mentioned

• Grief After Betrayal Impact Scale (Survey)  If you haven’t yet taken the survey, you can access the updated working link in the show notes. Your participation helps expand research on the real impacts of betrayal trauma.

• Human Intimacy Conference 📅 March 13–14 Join clinicians with over 200 years of combined experience working with individuals struggling with sexual addiction and betrayal trauma. Use promo code 30OFF for 30% off registration.

Take Care of Yourself

This episode discusses heavy topics including trauma, gaslighting, and spiritual wounds. If this conversation stirred something inside you, consider taking a moment to care for yourself:

Drink some water  Step outside, breathe deeply, take a short walk Reach out for connection

Healing after betrayal is possible—and you don’t have to walk the path alone.

If this episode helped you, please:

• Follow the podcast
• Share it with someone who may need it
• Subscribe and like on YouTube to help more partners find these resources

Together, we can continue bringing hope, validation, and healing to those navigating life after sexual betrayal.

Should I Stay or Should I Go? Grief, Choice, and Healing After Sexual Betrayal with Dr. Karen Strange

Host: MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT  Guest: Dr. Karen Strange, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT

MaryAnn welcomes Dr. Strange back to conclude the grief and loss series, focusing on the deeply personal and complex decision many betrayed partners face: Should I stay or should I go?, offering validation, practical guidance, and reassurance that healing is nonlinear — and that hope grows when individuals reclaim choice, safety, and support.

The episode also includes a link to a recording of the Human Intimacy Pre-Conference Q&A with Dr. Kevin Skinner, Michelle Mays, Darrell Brazell, Dr. Strange and MaryAnn as they field questions from viewers, an invitation to participate in a grief-and-loss survey addressing the limited research in this area and a preview of the upcoming Human Intimacy Conference (March 13–14, 2026).

Topics Covered The “Stay or Go” Decision

• Why this question feels urgent after betrayal

• The importance of slowing down before making permanent decisions

• Exceptions when immediate safety (e.g., domestic violence) requires swift action

Nervous System Regulation

• Shock, rage, confusion, and disorientation as normal trauma responses

• Regulating the nervous system to support rational, grounded decision-making

The Power of Choice

• Reclaiming agency after betrayal

• The right to choose — and the right to change your mind

• Empowerment through informed, intentional decisions

Betrayal Grief vs. Death Grief

• The complexity of grieving someone who is still alive

• Ongoing relational ambiguity

• How unresolved betrayal grief can resurface after divorce or remarriage

The Importance of Witnessing

• Why grief needs compassionate support

• The healing power of peer connection

• The scarcity of structured resources for betrayal grief

Research on Betrayed Men

• Dr. Strange’s doctoral research interviewing 11 betrayed men

• The lack of research and support specifically for men

• The value of creating space for underrepresented voices

Sexual Reintegration

• Barriers couples face when attempting to rebuild intimacy

• Emotional, relational, and trauma-related obstacles

• Hope for renewed connection when healing work is intentional

Grief Exercise: Expectations vs. Reality

• Identifying the gap between what was hoped for and what occurred

• Naming losses clearly and concretely

• Reframing hope as agency — having plans, options, and forward movement

 

Resources Human Intimacy Conference Pre-Session Q&A 2/26/26

2nd Annual Online Human Intimacy Conference Grief After Betrayal Impact Scale

Men's Betrayal Group - send email to info@humanintimacy.com

 

 

Loss Before Grief: Rebuilding After Betrayal Take the Grief After Betrayal Scale

We often say “grief and loss.”

But what if it’s actually loss first — then grief?

In this episode, MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT and Dr. Kevin Skinner, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT explore the profound and often unnamed experience of loss after betrayal — and how grief emerges only after we cognitively realize what has actually been taken from us.

Because betrayal is not just trauma.

It is the loss of:

• The reality you thought you were living

• The identity you believed you held

• Your sense of stability

• Your worth

• Your attachment security

• The future you imagined

At first, there is shock. Survival. Chaos.

It may take months — sometimes a year or more — before the mind can say:

“This is grief.”

That cognitive realization changes everything.

Betrayal involves the loss of:

• The reality you believed you were living

• The partner you thought you knew

• Your internal stability

• Your identity

• Your sense of worth

Only when the loss is named can grief begin to organize.

Naming the Pain

Without language, pain remains chaotic. MaryAnn references the German word Schmerz — deep emotional and mental anguish — capturing the soul-level rupture many betrayed partners experience.

When we can say, “I am grieving,” healing begins.

Identity Collapse & Secure Self-Attachment

Betrayal often destabilizes self-trust and worth. Healing requires:

• Re-identifying personal value

• Validating your emotional experience

• Rebuilding trust with yourself

• Securely attaching to yourself

Attachment research (Bowlby; Mikulincer & Shaver) supports this internal reorganization as part of recovery.

The Power of Trauma Narratives

Telling your story helps the brain reorganize trauma. Research by James Pennebaker shows that expressive writing reduces depressive symptoms and improves emotional integration.

Each time the story is told:

• Meaning deepens

• Emotional intensity shifts

• Integration strengthens

The story changes because healing is occurring.

From Grief to Resilience

Grief is not a stage to bypass — it is a process to move through.

As described in grief research (Worden), healing involves:

1. Acknowledging the loss

2. Feeling the pain

3. Adjusting to a new reality

4. Reinvesting in life with meaning

Resilience grows when grief is honored — not rushed.

Resources

• Grief After Betrayal Scale

• Rise: Online Course 

• Human Intimacy Conference (Online March 13–14) Feb Promo 30OFF, March 20OFF

• https://www.humanintimacy.com

Selected References

• Bowlby, Loss: Sadness and Depression

• Mikulincer & Shaver, Attachment in Adulthood

• Worden, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy

• Pennebaker, Opening Up

If you are navigating betrayal:

You are not weak. You are not overreacting. You are grieving.

And grief honored becomes strength reclaimed.

Grieving through Burbles, Triggers, and Trauma-Anniversaries,

with Dr. Karen Strange 

Episode Summary

Grief is something every human experiences—but grief after betrayal trauma carries a unique kind of pain. In this episode, MaryAnn Michaelis LCSW, CSAT, CPTT and Dr. Karen Strange PhD, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT continue their powerful series on grief and betrayal, exploring why healing feels messy, unpredictable, and often overwhelming.

If you’ve ever wondered why emotions hit you out of nowhere, sometimes even decades later… why you feel numb one day and furious the next… or why your body seems to remember things your mind tries to forget—this conversation will help you feel seen, validated, and less alone.

Together, they discuss the truth many betrayed partners discover: betrayal can feel like a death—not only of a relationship, but of identity, safety, and the future you thought you were building.

This episode is compassionate, raw, and deeply grounding for anyone navigating the emotional aftermath of sexual betrayal.

In This Episode, You’ll Learn:

• Why grief is not linear—and why it often feels like a “squiggly mess”

• How betrayal trauma mirrors the death of a relationship and the loss of reality

• Why people often experience grief as confusion, powerlessness, and loss of self

• What “delayed grief” is and why emotions can resurface years later

• Why numbness is a normal survival response (and not a sign you’re broken)

• How “trauma-versaries” can affect the body even when you don’t realize it

• The importance of having your story witnessed—without someone trying to “silver line” your pain

• How anger and rage can show up in grief, and how to safely discharge that energy through the body

• Why acceptance is often the moment emotions begin to intensify—not disappear

A Powerful Reminder:

Grief doesn’t end. It evolves.

And healing doesn’t mean you never feel pain again—it means learning how to honor what you’ve lost, hold compassion for yourself, and create space for your story to land.

If This Episode Resonated With You…

Please like and share it with someone who may be silently carrying grief after betrayal. You are not alone, and you were never meant to heal alone.

🔗 Companion Course:

Find support and resources at humanintimacy.com

If this podcast helps you, please consider leaving a review—it helps other hurting hearts find support. _________________________________________________________________________

Join Us!

• Human Intimacy Conference, Online March 13 & 14, 2026 use Promo 30OFF

Check out our new Youtube channel to access all of Human Intimacy's podcasts: youtube.com/@human-intimacy ________________________________________________________________________

Resources and References

• Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On Death and Dying.

• Kessler, D. (2019). Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.

• Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity.

• Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly.

• Levine, P. A. (1997). Waking the Tiger.

• Levine, P. A. (2010). In an Unspoken Voice.

• Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion.

• Doka, K. J. (1989). Disenfranchised Grief.

• Freyd, J. J. (1996). Betrayal Trauma.

• van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score.

• Ogden, P., Minton, K., & Pain, C. (2006). Trauma and the Body.

 

 

Show Notes Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal Season 2

Episode Title: The Grief of Betrayal: Loss that No One Talks About 

Healing from sexual betrayal is not something you were meant to do alone. In this episode of Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, host MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT is joined again by Kris Cristiano, LCSW, CSAT, for an honest and grounding conversation about one of the most misunderstood aspects of betrayal trauma recovery: grief.

Together, MaryAnn and Kris explore how grief is not only connected to death, but to the loss of an entire reality—safety, trust, identity, expectations, and the future a betrayed partner believed they were living toward. They discuss why betrayal trauma creates a uniquely destabilizing grief experience, particularly because the loss is non-consensual and often leaves partners feeling disoriented, unsafe, and unable to trust their own perceptions.

This episode also highlights why healing requires connection, not isolation. Betrayed partners often carry their pain silently due to shame, fear, or a desire to protect their spouse’s reputation. MaryAnn and Kris emphasize that grief must be witnessed and validated in order for the nervous system to stabilize and for healing to begin.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, numb, angry, or stuck, this episode offers language, clarity, and hope—reminding listeners that grief can become part of your story, but it does not have to become your identity.

In This Episode, We Discuss:

• Why grief is a core component of betrayal trauma recovery

• How grief is not just about death, but about the loss of a familiar life

• The difference between traditional grief and betrayal-related grief

• How betrayal disrupts the nervous system and creates disorientation

• Why grief is not linear (and why that matters for healing)

• The impact of shame, secrecy, and “walking wounded” isolation

• How community and safe connection help regulate emotional overwhelm

• Why grief must be witnessed and validated to heal

• How to begin identifying personal losses after betrayal

• Hope for moving forward without being defined by betrayal

Key Takeaways

• Betrayal grief often includes the loss of identity, future dreams, and safety.

• Many trauma symptoms (anger, anxiety, hypervigilance, numbness) are grief responses.

• Healing happens through support and connection—grief is not meant to be carried alone.

• The goal is not to erase the story, but to integrate it without being consumed by it.

Mentioned in This Episode

• Disenfranchised grief (grief that isn’t socially recognized or supported)

• The importance of validation and witnessing in the healing process

• Neurobiology of grief and how the brain struggles to reorient after betrayal

• The Human Intimacy Conference (March 13–14)

Resources

Rise Companion Course: humanintimacy.com, Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal Questions / Contact: info@humanintimacy.com (send questions you'd like addressed at the Human Intimacy Conference) Human Intimacy Conference: March 13–14 (Online + recordings available) Use: 30OFF promo code

Upcoming Episodes

MaryAnn and guests will the grief series in upcoming weeks, including:

• Delayed grief

• Attachment patterns and grief

• How to live with grief without losing yourself

If This Episode Helped You…

Please consider sharing this podcast with someone who may be suffering in silence. Healing is hard—but you don’t have to do it alone.

In this episode of Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, MaryAnn Michaelis LCSW, CSAT, CPTT, welcomes back Dr. Kevin Skinner to continue Season Two’s series on rebuilding trust. Together they explore why rebuilding trust after betrayal is so complex, especially through the lens of attachment and trauma, based on Sue Johnson's core attachment question: “Are you there for me?”

They explain how trust begins early in life, how it’s shaped by our experiences, and how betrayal trauma can mirror early attachment ruptures—often leading to protest, emotional overwhelm, shutdown, or feeling frozen while waiting for clarity or disclosure. MaryAnn and Dr. Skinner normalize grief, numbness, and uncertainty as natural trauma responses, not signs of failure or weakness.

This episode gently reframes healing: trust doesn’t begin with forcing yourself to trust a partner again. It begins with self-trust, learning to listen to your body and emotions, finding safe support, and allowing honesty about where you truly are. Trust, when it returns, is earned through presence, consistency, and repair—not pressure.

If you’re unsure whether you can trust again—or even trust yourself—this conversation offers compassion, clarity, and hope.

Episode Takeaways

• Trust after betrayal is a process, not a decision

• Betrayal trauma activates deep attachment wounds

• Feeling frozen, numb, or unsure is a normal trauma response

• Self-trust is foundational to healing and boundaries

• Earned trust grows through consistent repair and safety

Resources

• The Still Face Experiment – Dr. Edward Tronick A visual illustration of attachment rupture and repair https://iceeft.com

• The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel van der Kolk, MD

• Human Intimacy Conference | March 13–14 Online conference featuring Dr. Skinner, MaryAnn Michaelis, Michelle Mays, Dr. Sheri Keffer, Dr. Karen Strange, Kris Cristiano, and more

 

Rebuilding Self-Trust After Betrayal: Empowerment, Group Healing, and Learning to Trust Yourself Again

Host: MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT Guest: Jennifer Johnson, CMHC, CSAT, CPTT

Episode Summary

Rebuilding trust after sexual betrayal begins not with your partner—but with yourself.

In this deeply meaningful episode of Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, host MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT, sits down with her longtime mentor, colleague, and friend Jennifer Johnson, CMHC, CSAT, CPTT, for a powerful conversation on self-trust, group healing, and empowerment after betrayal trauma.

Jennifer—who has worked with betrayed partners for over 15 years—shares clinical wisdom, lived experience, and practical metaphors that have shaped an entire generation of betrayal trauma therapists, including MaryAnn herself. Together, they explore how betrayal erodes a person’s sense of reality, safety, and self-confidence—and how trust can be rebuilt through validation, embodiment, boundaries, and resourcing.

This episode is especially for listeners who feel confused, disconnected from their bodies, unsure of their reality, or afraid of their own reactions. Through stories, metaphors, and trauma-informed insight, MaryAnn and Jennifer offer a grounded path forward—one rooted in compassion, strength, and self-reliance.

 

Key Topics Discussed

• Why sexual betrayal shatters self-trust and internal safety

• The power of group work and the healing impact of “me too”

• Why comparing betrayal stories minimizes pain—and why pain is pain

• The “drowning in 5 feet vs. 20 feet of water” metaphor

• How gaslighting and shame erode self-trust

• Learning to trust your body after trauma responses and triggers

• Why self-trust is independent of a partner’s recovery

• The “Water Your Own Tree” analogy: differentiation and empowerment

• Resourcing yourself for safety and stability

• Trauma as powerlessness—and why action restores agency

• The stages of healing: victim → survival → thriving

• The “getting hit by a bus” metaphor for trauma, recovery, and relearning trust

• Why healing does not mean abandoning the relationship

• The role of therapy, groups, books, and community in rebuilding trust

Key Takeaways

• Betrayal trauma disrupts your sense of reality—but you are not crazy

• Self-trust is rebuilt through validation, embodiment, and action

• Group healing reduces isolation and restores internal safety

• You can strengthen yourself without moving away from your partner

• Empowerment comes from recognizing your resources and choices

• Healing is a process—and different stages require different care

• Trusting yourself means learning what your body, emotions, and intuition need now

Metaphors & Frameworks Shared

• Water Your Own Tree: Strengthening yourself without abandoning the relationship

• Drowning Is Drowning: Pain does not need to be compared to be valid

•  Preparing resources for safety and self-reliance

• Getting Hit by a Bus: Trauma recovery as stabilization, rehabilitation, and relearning trust

• Victim → Survival → Thriving: Normal stages of betrayal trauma healing

Books Recommended in This Episode

• Intimate Deception – Sheri Keffer, PhD

• The Betrayal Bind – Michelle Mays, LPC

• Ambushed by Betrayal Workbook

About the Guest

Jennifer Johnson, CMHC, CSAT and CPTT, is a Clinical Mental Health Counselor based in Farmington, Utah, specializing in betrayal trauma recovery for over 15 years. She is a mentor to clinicians, a trusted guide to betrayed partners, and a passionate advocate for trauma-informed, empowerment-based healing. Jennifer also brings lived experience as a betrayed partner, offering deep empathy and credibility to her work.

About the Host

MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, and Certified Partner Trauma Therapist. She is the founder of HART Recovery Institute (Healing Addiction, Relationships, Trauma) and the host of Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal. MaryAnn is also a recovering betrayed partner and a dedicated voice for compassionate, trauma-informed care.

Additional Support

If you are in the early days of betrayal or seeking structured guidance, explore:

• Season 1 of Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal (Stabilization)

• Therapist-led groups and the online course Rise: Hope and Healing After Betrayal

• Resources available at humanintimacy.com

**You are not alone.

Your pain is valid. And learning to trust yourself again is possible.

Rise: Hope and Healing from Sexual Betrayal Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal: BRAVING, A Journey of Hope for Betrayed Partners with Dr. Karen Strange

Host: MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT Guest: Dr. Karen Strange, PhD, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT

Episode Summary

Healing from sexual betrayal is not something anyone is meant to navigate alone. In this Season 2 episode of Rise: Hope and Healing from Sexual Betrayal, host MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT, is joined by colleague and friend Dr. Karen Strange, PhD, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT, for a deeply compassionate conversation about stabilizing after betrayal and rebuilding trust—first with yourself, and then, if appropriate, with a partner.

Together, MaryAnn and Karen explore betrayal through both clinical insight and lived experience, addressing the profound shock, grief, and disorientation betrayed partners often face. Using Brené Brown’s BRAVING framework, they break down trust into understandable, actionable components while emphasizing that trust is rebuilt through behavior over time, not promises or pressure.

This episode also introduces the powerful Kintsugi bowl metaphor—the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold—as a symbol of post-betrayal healing, growth, and meaning-making after profound rupture.

If you are early in betrayal trauma recovery, struggling with self-doubt, or feeling pressured to “move on” before you feel safe, this conversation offers grounding, validation, and hope.

Key Topics Discussed

• Why betrayal trauma often mirrors PTSD

• Stabilization as the first priority after sexual betrayal

• The Kintsugi bowl as a metaphor for healing after being “shattered”

• Why trust is cognitive, not emotional

• Brené Brown’s BRAVING framework applied to betrayal recovery:

  • Boundaries

  • Reliability

  • Accountability

  • Vault (confidentiality and discernment)

  • Integrity

  • Non-judgment

  • Generosity

• Trusting behavior over words

• Gaslighting, self-doubt, and learning to trust your body again

• The role of accountability, support groups, therapy, and sponsors

• Why over-disclosure can retraumatize betrayed partners

• Rebuilding trust with yourself through self-compassion

Key Takeaways

• Healing takes time—and time is your ally, not your enemy

• Trust is rebuilt through consistent, observable behavior, not urgency

• You are allowed to share your story; your partner owns theirs

• Self-compassion is foundational to stabilization and recovery

• Listening to your body is a powerful form of wisdom

• You can actively engage in healing while you wait for clarity

Exercises Shared in This Episode

1. The BRAVING Self-Trust Exercise Write down B-R-A-V-I-N-G and reflect on what you need in each area to rebuild trust with yourself.

2. Daily Self-Compassion Practice Visit self-compassion.org (Kristin Neff, PhD) and choose a brief daily practice to support stabilization, reduce shame, and restore internal safety.

Resources Mentioned

• Brené Brown – BRAVING: Trust Framework

• Kristin Neff, PhD – Self-Compassion Practices

• Therapist-led courses and groups for betrayed partners: humanintimacy.com

About the Guest

Dr. Karen Strange, PhD, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist practicing in South Carolina. She brings both professional expertise and lived experience as a betrayed partner, offering deep empathy, wisdom, and hope to individuals and couples healing after betrayal.

About the Host

MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, and Certified Partner Trauma Therapist. She is the founder of HART Recovery Institute (Healing Addiction, Relationships, Trauma) and the host of Rise: Hope and Healing from Sexual Betrayal. MaryAnn is also a recovering betrayed partner and a passionate advocate for trauma-informed, compassionate healing.

If This Episode Helped You

Please consider sharing, liking, or subscribing. You may help someone else feel less alone and more understood.

You deserve healing. You deserve wholeness. And you don’t have to do this alone.

Episode Summary

Welcome to Season Two of Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal. In this opening episode, host MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT is joined by Kris Cristiano, LCSW, CSAT, to explore one of the most painful and misunderstood aspects of betrayal trauma: trust.

After Season One’s focus on immediate survival following discovery, Season Two shifts toward rebuilding—emotionally, relationally, and internally. MaryAnn and Kris unpack why trust cannot be rushed, demanded, or restored through checklists alone, and why safety and honesty must come first.

Together, they deconstruct common misconceptions about trust, love, and forgiveness, explore the impact of complex and cumulative trauma, and introduce tangible markers of real recovery—what betrayed partners can actually look for over time without abandoning themselves. The conversation also highlights the critical importance of self-trust, nervous system awareness, and relational healing within safe communities.

This episode offers grounding, clarity, and hope for anyone navigating betrayal trauma and wondering: How do I know what’s real now—and can I ever trust again?

Show Notes In This Episode, You’ll Learn:

• Why trust, love, and forgiveness are not the same thing—and why confusing them causes harm

• How betrayal trauma and complex trauma amplify the loss of trust

• The Marble Jar metaphor and why trust must be rebuilt one action at a time

• Why sobriety, compliance, and “checking boxes” are not the same as true recovery

• The role of honesty and safety as the foundation for rebuilding trust

• How betrayed partners can begin rebuilding self-trust, even after betrayal blindness

• Why healing from betrayal trauma is relational and cannot be done alone

• How shame and self-blame interfere with recovery—and why they don’t belong there

Key Takeaways:

1. Trust is a gradual process that requires honesty and safety as foundational elements.
2. Healing from betrayal involves understanding and dismantling complex trauma.
3. Recovery is not a checklist but a heartfelt journey of personal growth.
4. Building self-trust is crucial
5. Neuroception and listening to your own body and instincts.
6. A supportive community is vital for healing and offers essential insights and guidance.

A Gentle Invitation:

After listening, take a moment to write down one small thing you will do for yourself today or tomorrow—something realistic and achievable. Rebuilding trust begins by doing what you say you’ll do, even with yourself.

Resources Mentioned:

• Blind to Betrayal by Jennifer Freyd

• The Intimacy Pyramid by Dan Drake and the Rapson-Smith model

• 25 Signs of REAL Recovery by Kris Cristiano

Learn More & Continue Your Healing:

• Rise: Hope and Healing From Sexual Betrayal courses and resources: humanintimacy.com

• Human Intimacy Conference – March 13–14 Join us for insightful presentations, featuring leading experts in betrayal trauma recovery, including Kris Cristiano. Use PROMO Code: 40OFF

00:00 Introduction to Healing from Sexual Betrayal 01:11 Welcome to Season Two 01:44 Meet Chris Christiano 03:19 Understanding Trust After Betrayal 06:38 The Marble Jar Analogy 09:21 Complex Trauma and Self-Trust 22:08 Betrayal Blindness 30:14 Rebuilding Trust and Final Thoughts  

Connect With Us:

• Visit our website: humanintimacy.com
• Instagram: @HumanIntimacy

Don't forget to like, share, and subscribe for more insights on healing and recovery. Your support helps others find the path to healing and understanding.

In this episode of Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, MaryAnn Michaelis LCSW, CSAT, CPTT,  is joined by Dr. Karen Strange, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT, for a deeply compassionate conversation about what happens when betrayal trauma shakes not only our relationships—but also our faith, identity, and sense of meaning.

Together, they explore the often unspoken spiritual impact of betrayal and the painful questions that arise in the “messy middle” of healing, including: Why did this happen? Can I still trust my higher power? What do I believe now?

For many betrayed partners, recovery is not just about rebuilding trust with a spouse—it can also involve deconstructing and reconstructing long-held beliefs about God, safety, purpose, and self-worth. This episode holds space for that complexity with gentleness, honesty, and hope.

In this episode, you’ll hear:

• How betrayal trauma can impact faith and spiritual identity
• Why anger at a higher power is a common and valid response
• The experience of feeling “betrayed by God” or spiritually abandoned
• How trauma can destabilize beliefs about meaning, safety, and self
• The role of grief in spiritual deconstruction and reconstruction
• Why the “messy middle” of not knowing is part of healing
• How clients begin to rebuild their spiritual foundation after betrayal
• The connection between truth, lies, and identity after trauma
• What it means to find your “why” in the midst of suffering

Tools and practices discussed:

• Writing a letter to your higher power to express grief, anger, and questions
• Allowing and honoring emotions instead of suppressing them
• Identifying and challenging internalized “lies” after betrayal
• Practicing self-compassion during identity disruption
• Reframing painful experiences through meaning-making and reflection
• Seeking safe relational support during deconstruction and healing

Key themes:

• Spiritual deconstruction and reconstruction
• Emotional honesty in faith crises
• Identity loss and rebuilding after betrayal trauma
• Meaning-making in suffering
• The importance of safe connection and support
• Hope in the “messy middle” of healing

MaryAnn and Dr. Strange emphasize that questioning, wrestling, and even feeling anger toward a higher power are not signs of failure—they are often part of a deeply human healing process. Over time, many individuals find that their faith is not necessarily destroyed, but transformed.

Healing is not linear, and you are not alone in the questions you are carrying.

Resources

• "Man's Search For Meaning," Viktor Frankl
• GABIS https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/Grief-scale
• Boundary Basics https://www.humanintimacy.com/course/boundary-basics
• Explore guided support and recovery tools: humanintimacy.com
• youtube.com/@human-intimacy

 

Rise, Hope, and Healing After Sexual Betrayal: Closing Season One & Looking Toward Growth

 

Summary

In the final episode of Season One of Rise, Hope, and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, Dr. Kevin Skinner and licensed clinical social worker MaryAnn Michaelis reflect on the emotional journey of betrayal trauma and the foundational work required for healing. They validate the profound shock, grief, and disorientation that follow sexual betrayal, emphasizing that these reactions are normal responses to trauma—not personal failures.

Throughout the conversation, they review core concepts introduced in the season, including emotional regulation, triggers, PTSD symptoms, somatic responses, polyvagal theory, boundaries, self-care, and identity repair. Healing is framed not as a linear or finished state, but as a “both/and” process—one where growth and difficult days can coexist.

Using metaphors such as home remodeling, forest fires, peeling an onion, and run-walk marathons, they illustrate how healing unfolds slowly, layer by layer. They highlight post-traumatic growth, noting that while no one chooses betrayal, many survivors develop deeper self-awareness, stronger boundaries, renewed creativity, and a reclaimed sense of self-worth.

The episode also looks ahead to Season Two, which will focus on the second stage of healing—internal work, rebuilding trust (especially trust in self), and deeper application of tools learned in Season One. The hosts emphasize the importance of community, trauma-informed practices, and self-compassion, ending with a message of hope: healing is possible, identity can be restored, and no one has to walk this journey alone.

 

Resources Mentioned or Referenced

Programs & Educational Resources

• Rise, Hope, and Healing After Sexual Betrayal (Course) A structured healing course focused on assessments, internal work, parts work, boundaries, trust, and trauma recovery. Available via HumanIntimacy.com
• Rise, Hope, and Healing Podcast Focused specifically on betrayed partners and the stages of betrayal trauma recovery.
• Human Intimacy Podcast Broader conversations on intimacy, healing, and recovery.

Therapeutic Approaches & Concepts

• Betrayal Trauma & PTSD
• Post-Traumatic Growth
• Polyvagal Theory
• Somatic (Body-Based) Healing
• Emotional Regulation
• Boundary Setting
• Self-Compassion
• Trust (Self-Trust & Relational Trust)
• Group Support & Community Healing
• Trauma-Informed Yoga
• Mindfulness Practices

Professional Credentials Referenced

• CSAT – Certified Sex Addiction Therapist
• CPTT – Certified Partner Trauma Therapist

Clinicians Featured or Upcoming (Season Two)

• Dr. Kevin Skinner
• MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW
• Dr. Karen Strange
• Chris Christiano
• Jennifer Johnson

Books & Metaphors Referenced

• Beauty for Ashes (Biblical concept/book title referenced for meaning-making and growth after loss)
• Resilience research by Dr. Al Siebert (resilient mindset and “both/and” healing framework)

When Self-Betrayal Hurts Most: Relearning to Trust Your Inner Voice After Sexual Betrayal Episode Summary

In this powerful episode of Rise: Hope & Healing After Sexual Betrayal, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore one of the most painful and complex layers of betrayal—self-betrayal. While a partner’s betrayal is deeply damaging, many betrayed partners describe an even more devastating wound: the moment they realize they stopped trusting themselves.

We discuss the internal collapse that occurs when you silence your instincts, override your intuition, and ignore what your body and emotions tried to tell you. This creates deep internal chaos, confusion, and shame—because when you can’t trust yourself, where do you turn?

This conversation also explores the importance of reconnecting with your values, intuition, emotional truth, and a personal Bill of Rights. We talk about why so many partners abandon themselves in the name of survival, loyalty, fear, or hope—and most importantly, how to gently rebuild self-trust, re-align with your inner wisdom, and begin living congruently again as you move into stabilization and deeper recovery.

Resources Mentioned / Recommended

• Book: Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal — Dr. Kevin Skinner

• Concept Guide: Creating a Personal Bill of Rights After Betrayal Examples may include:

  • “I have the right to trust my intuition.”

  • “I have the right to emotional and physical safety.”

  • “I have the right to ask questions and receive truthful answers.”

• Support & Education

  • Rise Podcast & Healing Resources at HumanIntimacy.com

  • Human Intimacy 100-Day Healing Programs & Courses

• Helpful Therapeutic Approaches

  • Trauma-informed therapy / CSAT or CPTT clinicians

  • Somatic and body-based healing approaches

  • Boundary and values clarification work

You’re Invited — Human Intimacy Conference

If you’re looking for deeper healing, education, community, and hope, we invite you to join us at the upcoming Human Intimacy Conference. This powerful event brings together leading experts in betrayal trauma, recovery, and relationship healing—offering tools, insight, and connection to support your journey.

👉 Register here: https://humanintimacy.zohobackstage.com/HumanIntimacy2ndAnnualConference#/

 

Rise: Finding Your Voice After Sexual Betrayal — Expression, Healing, and Being Witnessed Episode Summary

In this episode of Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore what it truly means to “find your voice” after betrayal. Many betrayed partners struggle to express overwhelming emotions such as anger, grief, confusion, and fear—often because they’ve never had permission, language, or safe places to speak their truth. Others feel they do have a voice, but need support in finding the right words and safe settings to tell their story.

Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn discuss why expressing your story matters both emotionally and physically, highlighting research showing that suppressed emotions can increase depression and weaken the immune system. They talk about grief, trauma integration, and the importance of consolidating your narrative—what life felt like before betrayal, what changed after discovery, and how the experience is shaping your life now.

Listeners will learn about healthy ways to express deep emotions (journaling, burn journals, therapy, group support, safe body-release strategies), the importance of being witnessed, and how finding your internal voice strengthens boundaries, empowerment, and healing. This conversation reminds every betrayed partner that your emotions matter, your story deserves space, and giving voice to your experience is a vital step toward recovery.

Resources & Mentions

• RISE: Hope & Healing After Sexual Betrayal Online Course Guided exercises, assessments, journaling prompts, education, and structured healing tools to support your journey. https://www.humanintimacy.com

• Research on Expressive Writing & Emotional Health James W. Pennebaker – Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions Demonstrates the mental and physical health benefits of expressing emotions and telling your story.

• Healing Requires Witnessing & Storytelling Desmond Tutu & Mpho Tutu – The Book of Forgiving Discusses the importance of sharing your story, being witnessed, and honoring emotional wounds.

• Trauma & Meaning-Making Framework Discussion of narrative processing and trauma consolidation – understanding life before betrayal, the traumatic event itself, and how it changes you going forward.

• Support Through Connection Research highlighted by Wendy Watson Nelson & Dr. Jill Manning emphasizing connection and safe support as a critical factor in betrayal recovery.

• Therapy & Group Support Consider working with a betrayal-informed therapist or joining a betrayal trauma support group to process your experience safely.

Boundaries: The Foundation of Healing After Sexual Betrayal Episode Summary

In this episode of Rise: Hope & Healing from Sexual Betrayal, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore why boundaries are essential—not optional—for healing. They clarify common misunderstandings about boundaries, emphasizing that boundaries are not punishments, ultimatums, or attempts to control another person. Instead, they are acts of self-care rooted in values, safety, and personal responsibility.

Drawing from clinical experience, real-life examples, and research-based frameworks, the conversation breaks down how boundaries function as “if–then” statements focused on how you will respond to protect yourself. The episode highlights the difference between healthy boundaries and rule-setting, the role of self-trust and follow-through, and why understanding your why is the key to confidence and consistency.

Listeners will learn how boundaries support emotional safety, reduce resentment, and strengthen the inner core—especially after betrayal has shattered trust. The episode also addresses the fear that boundaries will damage relationships and reframes boundaries as a pathway to clarity, dignity, and, when possible, deeper connection.

Key Takeaways

• Healing rarely occurs without clear, self-honoring boundaries

• Boundaries are about your response, not controlling someone else

• Effective boundaries are rooted in values, needs, and self-awareness

• Boundaries support safety, self-trust, and differentiation

• Letting go of outcomes is essential when setting boundaries

• Practicing boundaries builds confidence and reduces resentment

Resources Mentioned

• Boundaries Course – Creating & Maintaining Healthy Boundaries Available at Boundary Basics

• Rise online Course: HumanIntimacy.com

• Vicki Tidwell Palmer, Boundaries Handbook for Women

• Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend, Boundaries

• Differentiation of Self (Bowen Family Systems Theory)

• Human Intimacy Courses & Educational Resources

When Your Body Takes Over: Understanding the Somatic Response After Discovery

In this powerful episode of Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore what happens inside the body in the shocking moments and months following D-Day. Drawing from clinical research, somatic therapy, and lived experience, they explain why betrayed partners often feel rage, panic, numbness, dissociation, or complete shutdown—and why these reactions are normal, protective, and deeply physiological.

MaryAnn and Dr. Skinner unpack the autonomic nervous system’s three instinctive responses—fight, flight, and freeze—and reframe them not as signs of “going crazy,” but as the body’s attempt to survive an emotional threat. They discuss how trauma is stored in the body, how healing occurs in waves, and how practices like titration, grounding, movement, and body awareness help gently release stored trauma.

Listeners learn why behaviors that feel “out of character” (such as yelling, swearing, shutting down, or being unable to focus) are common after betrayal, and how anger often acts as a protective protest covering the deeper layers of grief and fear underneath.

With compassion and clarity, the hosts offer tools for regulating overwhelming emotions, honoring the body’s pace, and finding glimmers of safety during chaos. They encourage listeners to use supportive relationships, healthy outlets, creativity, and somatic practices to slowly widen their window of tolerance and reconnect with their internal world.

This episode is an essential guide for anyone trying to make sense of their body’s reactions after betrayal—and a reminder that healing requires patience, softness, and learning to listen inward.

Resources Mentioned & Recommended Books & Theoretical Frameworks

• Deb Dana – Anchored and The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy (Understanding the autonomic nervous system, glimmers, and pathways to safety.)

• Dr. Stephen Porges – The Polyvagal Theory (Foundational neuroscience behind fight/flight/freeze responses.)

• Dr. Bessel van der Kolk – The Body Keeps the Score (How trauma is stored and released through the body.)

• Peter Levine – Waking the Tiger and Somatic Experiencing principles (Titration, pendulation, and body-based trauma healing.)

Somatic Practices & Tools

• Tadasana (Mountain Pose) – A grounding posture used to regulate and reset the nervous system.

• Superman/Wonder Woman Pose – Posture-based confidence-building and nervous system shifting (Amy Cuddy research).

• Body scanning – Increasing awareness of where trauma, tension, or emotional energy is stored.

• Bilateral stimulation activities – Walking, swimming, chopping wood, or rhythmic creative movement.

Related Human Intimacy Content

• Human Intimacy Podcast Episode #95 – Expanded discussion on somatic healing after trauma.

• Rise: Hope & Healing After Sexual Betrayal Online Course (In-depth assessments, body-based practices, reflective exercises, and guided healing modules.)

Additional Supports

• Journaling prompts for emotional expression

• Safe support systems: friends, therapists, groups

• Creative outlets: cooking, music, art, writing

• Gentle physical practices: walking, yoga, swimming

 

 

Gaslighting No More: Reclaiming Your Reality After Betrayal Rise: Hope & Healing After Sexual Betrayal Episode Summary

In this pivotal episode of Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis take listeners into one of the most damaging elements of betrayal trauma: gaslighting. While the term is often used casually in modern culture, Kevin and MaryAnn break it down clinically and relationally, helping listeners understand how gaslighting reshapes a person’s reality and intensifies post-traumatic stress symptoms.

MaryAnn explains the origins of the term and how betrayed partners often experience it as “crazy-making.” When someone senses something is off, but their partner denies, minimizes, or dismisses the concern, the betrayed partner begins to question not only their spouse—but themselves. Dr. Skinner shares the research behind his gaslighting scale and reveals a critical finding: gaslighting is the strongest predictor of PTSD symptoms among betrayed partners, even more influential than adverse childhood experiences.

Together they describe how denial, blame, minimizing, hiding, and lying distort a betrayed partner’s internal compass. Gaslighting becomes a form of psychological abuse, causing confusion, self-doubt, and a loss of trust in one’s own instincts. This erosion of personal reality leaves many partners unsure of what is true and what to believe.

The episode also highlights the path forward—what Gaslighting No More truly means. Dr. Skinner outlines the transformational role of a formal therapeutic disclosure, impact letter, and emotional restitution letter. These structured interventions help restore truth, rebuild safety, and begin repairing the relational damage caused by deception. MaryAnn emphasizes the importance of trained therapists, thoughtful pacing, and emotional support as couples engage in this process.

Listeners are reminded: your reality matters, and reclaiming it is essential to healing. Whether within the relationship or individually, addressing gaslighting is foundational to restoring trust, clarity, and emotional stability.

References & Resources Key Research & Clinical Foundations

• Skinner, K. — Internal research on gaslighting, deception, and PTSD correlations.

• Kefer, S. (2018). Intimate Deception: Healing the Wounds of Betrayal.

• Carnes, S. — ITAP foundational work on sex addiction and partner trauma.

• Vaughn, P. (1989). The Monogamy Myth. Research on the healing effects of discussing betrayal details.

• CDC Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study.

Books & Concepts Mentioned

• Dr. Kevin Skinner – Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal

• Dr. Kevin Skinner – Rebuild Your Relationship After Sexual Betrayal

  • Chapter 13: Gaslighting No More

• Psychological abuse dynamics

• Denial, blame, and deception patterns

• Therapeutic Disclosure Model (FTD)

• PTSD symptoms associated with betrayal trauma

Professional and Supportive Resources

• IITAP.com — Directory of Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSAT) and Certified Partner Trauma Therapists (CPTT)

• HumanIntimacy.com/Rise — Free betrayal trauma assessment including gaslighting and PTSD indicators

• Human Intimacy educational groups, intensives, and therapeutic programs led by Dr. Skinner

When Betrayal Reshapes How You See Yourself Rise: Hope & Healing After Sexual Betrayal Episode Summary

In this episode of Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore one of the most painful and often hidden impacts of betrayal: how it reshapes the way you see yourself. After discovering sexual betrayal, many individuals experience a surge of negative self-beliefs — I’m not enough… something must be wrong with me… I should have known… I’m unlovable. Dr. Skinner describes this internal narrative as a “virus” that embeds itself in a person’s belief system, making it difficult to see oneself accurately or compassionately.

MaryAnn explains how, developmentally, our brains are wired to seek approval, interpret social cues, and continually scan for safety. When betrayal shatters the foundation of a relationship, these systems go into overdrive, amplifying old insecurities, childhood patterns, and even generational messages about worth. Together, Kevin and MaryAnn highlight that while these negative cognitions feel overpowering, they are understandable responses to trauma — not reflections of your true value.

Listeners are reminded of a crucial truth: your worth has never changed. Negative self-talk may be loud, but it is not accurate. Healing involves challenging distorted beliefs, surrounding yourself with trustworthy voices, and engaging in therapeutic tools that help reframe your internal narrative. The hosts discuss powerful interventions such as attachment-focused EMDR, cognitive reframing, and guided support from safe attachment figures. This episode offers clarity, validation, and hope for anyone struggling to reclaim their sense of identity after betrayal.

Resources Books & Foundational Concepts

• Brené Brown – Daring Greatly, The Gifts of Imperfection (shame, worthiness, identity)

• Mark Wolynn – It Didn’t Start With You (generational trauma and inherited beliefs)

• Dr. Bessel van der Kolk – The Body Keeps the Score (trauma stored in the body)

• Francine Shapiro – EMDR framework and negative cognitions model

Tools & Therapeutic Modalities

• Attachment-Focused EMDR

• Cognitive reframing and restructuring

• Identifying core negative beliefs (“I’m not enough,” “I’m unlovable”)

• Inner narrative awareness: If I could hear your thoughts 24/7…

• Using secure attachment figures (past or present) for grounding

Human Intimacy Programs

• Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal https://www.humanintimacy.com/rise

• Human Intimacy Podcast episodes related to identity, shame, and worth

• Reclaim and trauma-focused intensives with Dr. Kevin Skinner

 

Understanding and Responding to Triggers After Betrayal Episode Summary

In this episode of Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore one of the most common and confusing experiences after betrayal trauma: triggers. Drawing from clinical research, lived experience, and decades of therapeutic practice, they break down why triggers occur, how the body responds, and what partners can do to navigate them with greater clarity and self-compassion.

Triggers often appear suddenly—at church, in a grocery store, during a conversation, while watching TV, or even in sleep. Dr. Skinner shares research showing that 80% of betrayed partners experience significant triggers across multiple settings due to heightened fear responses and hypervigilance. MaryAnn describes how the body becomes acutely attuned to cues of danger, often detecting subtle signals before the conscious mind can make sense of them.

Listeners are guided through the internal experience of a trigger—tight chest, racing heart, sudden emotion—and learn how to identify, name, and regulate these physiological reactions. The episode introduces two powerful tools:

1. “Name It to Tame It” (Dan Siegel) – Using language to bring the prefrontal cortex back online.

2. The COAL Method – Curiosity, Openness/Observation, Acceptance, Loving-Kindness – to slow down reactions and respond intentionally.

The hosts also discuss the difference between seeking external reassurance versus developing internal grounding strategies, the role of self-trust, and how to use tools like conscious breathing (including the “Yamaha breath”) to regulate the autonomic nervous system.

This episode provides validation, practical tools, and hope—reminding listeners that triggers are not signs of weakness, but expressions of the body’s innate protective system. With understanding, support, and practice, betrayed partners can move from reacting in fear to responding with awareness, agency, and self-compassion.

References

Briere, J., & Scott, C. (2015). Principles of trauma therapy: A guide to symptoms, evaluation, and treatment (2nd ed.). SAGE Publications.

Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead.Gotham Books.

Levine, P. A. (2010). In an unspoken voice: How the body releases trauma and restores goodness. North Atlantic Books.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton.

Scott, S. B., & Briere, J. (2006). “Exposure to interpersonal trauma and risk for posttraumatic stress disorder.” Clinical Psychology Review, 26(6), 615–625.

Siegel, D. J. (2010). The mindful therapist: A clinician's guide to mindsight and neural integration. W. W. Norton.

van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.

Skinner, K. (2017). Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal. Growth Publishing.

 

—

Additional Resources:

Rise: Hope and Healing Course

 

 

Uncovering the Hidden Wound: Understanding Shame After Sexual Betrayal Summary:

In this powerful episode of Rise: Hope and Healing from Sexual Betrayal, Dr. Kevin Skinner and Marianne Michaelis, LCSW, bring attention to an often overlooked wound—the betrayed partner’s shame. They unpack how shame takes root after discovery, transforming natural questions like “Why did this happen?” into painful self-blame—“I must not be enough.” Drawing from research showing that more than 70–80% of betrayed partners feel unlovable or stupid after betrayal, Dr. Skinner and Marianne explain how shame becomes internalized, influencing thoughts, relationships, and even the body’s physiology.

Using insights from Brené Brown and Treating Chronic Shame, they reveal that shame is relational—it thrives in silence, secrecy, and judgment, and begins to heal through connection, voice, and support. The hosts explore practical ways to interrupt the “shame virus,” including naming shame’s physical signals, separating your worth from your partner’s choices, and finding safe, trained support to share your story. They remind listeners that shame cannot survive empathy and that every individual—regardless of betrayal, history, or mistakes—is born with infinite worth that cannot be lost.

Listeners are invited to reflect, connect, and take the first step toward reclaiming their true identity beyond the betrayal story.

Resources Available

• Rise: Hope and Healing from Sexual Betrayal Course A guided 12-session journey offering tools to understand trauma, process emotions, and rebuild identity after betrayal. 👉 https://www.humanintimacy.com/course/hope-and-healing-from-sexual-betrayal

• Human Intimacy Online Educational Support Group Join Dr. Skinner and Marianne Michaelis in an upcoming online group offering teaching, Q&A, and community support. Learn how to apply these concepts in real time with others walking the same path.

• Additional Resources

  • Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal — Dr. Kevin Skinner’s book exploring the trauma response and pathways to healing.

  • The Other Side of Infidelity — Dr. Skinner’s TEDx Talk explaining betrayal trauma and its impact.

  • Treating Chronic Shame by Patricia DeYoung — referenced in this episode for understanding shame’s relational nature.

  • Articles, podcasts, and free tools available at HumanIntimacy.com

Keeping Your Boat Afloat: Self-Care That Stabilizes After Betrayal (PIERS Framework) Summary:

In this episode, Dr. Kevin Skinner and Marianne Michaelis reframe self-care as the essential stabilizer after discovery—not bubble baths, but daily practices that calm the nervous system and restore capacity. Using the PIERS framework(Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Relational, Spiritual), they show how gentle movement (not overexertion) can switch off fight-or-flight, how learning gives language and edges to a blurry trauma story, and how naming and expressing emotions releases their grip. They highlight the power of connection—groups and one trusted person—to accelerate healing, and they broaden “spiritual” to include values, nature, and quiet reflection that settles the body and clears the mind.

With habit-stacking tips (like listening to an audiobook while walking) and cautions against overwhelming already-taxed systems, the episode invites listeners to take one small, doable step today: choose a PIERS practice you can repeat tomorrow. The message is simple and compassionate—you are worth taking care of, and consistent self-care is how your boat stays afloat through the storm.

Resources Available

• Rise: Hope and Healing from Sexual Betrayal Course A structured 12-session program with videos, assignments, and group support for betrayed partners. 👉 https://www.humanintimacy.com/course/hope-and-healing-from-sexual-betrayal

• Human Intimacy Online Community Join our upcoming educational support group with Dr. Skinner and Marianne Michaelis—weekly sessions, Q&As, and guided learning designed to provide tools and community for ongoing recovery.

• Additional Resources

  • Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal – Dr. Kevin Skinner’s book exploring the science and path of recovery.

  • The Other Side of Infidelity – Dr. Skinner’s TEDx Talk introducing the trauma model of sexual betrayal.

  • Free articles, podcasts, and exercises available at HumanIntimacy.com

 

You Are Not Your Partner's Mother, Sponsor, or Dumping Ground: Boundaries and Trusting Your Gut with Rhyll Croshaw (Rise Season 2, Episode 17)

In this powerful episode of Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, MaryAnn Michaelis LCSW, CSAT, CPTT is joined by Rhyll Croshaw, a pioneer in betrayal trauma recovery, author of "What Can I Do About Me?",and co-founder of the SA Lifeline Foundation and SAL12step.org. 

Rhyll brings decades of lived experience, professional insight, and grounded wisdom to a conversation that speaks directly to one of the most confusing and painful parts of recovery after betrayal: How do I hold boundaries and learn to trust myself again when I’ve been conditioned to doubt my gut?

In this episode, Rhyll shares her story of 53 years of marriage and insights learned from 32 years of betrayal trauma recovery work, including: what happens when betrayed partners find themselves over-functioning in relationships—becoming the emotional regulator, caretaker, or unintended “dumping ground” for their partner’s emotions, recovery work, or instability.

At the heart of this conversation is a powerful truth:

You are not your partner’s mother. You are not their sponsor. You are not their emotional dumping ground.

And learning this boundary distinction is a critical part of healing.

In This Episode, We Explore:

• Why betrayed partners often lose trust in their own intuition and gut instincts
• How external voices (partner, sponsor, family, culture) can override internal knowing
• The emotional cost of becoming the “dumping ground” in a relationship
• Why boundaries are not rejection—they are role clarification
• The difference between supporting someone and over-functioning for them
• What it means to practice compassionate detaching
• How to recognize when you are carrying emotions that are not yours to hold
• Why trusting your gut is a recovery skill, not an automatic ability

Key Takeaways:

• Your gut is not broken—it has been drowned out by survival and confusion
• Boundaries are about identity, roles, and emotional safety
• You cannot be someone’s partner, parent, and sponsor all at once
• Compassion does not require emotional over-responsibility
• Healing includes learning to say: “This is not mine to carry.”

Powerful Themes in This Episode:

Trusting Your Gut After betrayal, intuition often becomes clouded by fear, doubt, and conflicting messages. Relearning to listen to yourself is central to recovery.

Boundaries as Role Clarity Boundaries are not punishment or withdrawal—they define what is and is not yours to hold in a relationship.

Compassionate Detaching Detaching does not mean abandoning love. It means staying connected to yourself while releasing responsibility for what belongs to another adult.

Emotional Over-Responsibility Many betrayed partners unconsciously become emotional caretakers for their spouse’s recovery or regulation—at great personal cost.

Memorable Quotes & Concepts:

• “You are not your partner’s sponsor, mother, or dumping ground.”
• “Boundaries aren’t rejection—they’re role correction.”
• “Your gut still speaks, but too many voices have been louder than it.”
• “Detaching with compassion means I care—but I don’t carry what isn’t mine.”

Hope & Healing Reminder:

Recovery is not just about understanding betrayal—it is about reclaiming yourself.

Learning to trust your gut, hold boundaries, and step out of over-responsibility is not selfish. It is foundational to healing, clarity, and emotional safety.

Resources & References:

• What Can I Do About Me? by Rhyll Croshaw
• Dopamine Nation by Anna Lembke
• SA Lifeline Foundation https://salifeline.org
• SAL 12 Step https://sal12step.org
• The Recovery Puzzle 
• Recovery Circles Model
• Rise online companion course 
• Boundary Basics online course
• Human Intimacy online courses - communication, relationships, The Intimacy Repair Method
• GABIS - the Grief After Betrayal Impact Scale Survey - Contribute to our Resarch! 

Share This Episode

If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who may be:

• second-guessing their intuition
• carrying emotional responsibility that isn’t theirs
• learning to set or hold boundaries after betrayal

You’re Not Going Crazy: Understanding Your Body’s Response to Betrayal through the Polyvagal Lens Episode Summary

In this powerful episode of Rise: Hope and Healing from Sexual Betrayal, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore why betrayed partners often feel like they’re “going crazy” in the aftermath of discovery. Drawing on Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory, they explain how your body’s automatic survival responses—fight, flight, or freeze—are not signs of instability but biological protections designed to keep you safe.

Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn walk listeners through the physiological impact of betrayal trauma, describing how the nervous system reacts when safety is shattered. They discuss common physical symptoms such as sleeplessness, loss of appetite, and panic, explaining how these are natural outcomes of a body in distress.

MaryAnn introduces practical grounding tools—like mindful breathing and body awareness—to help listeners reconnect with themselves, while Dr. Skinner emphasizes that healing begins by understanding and respecting the body’s instinct to protect. Together, they outline how to recognize where you are on the Polyvagal Ladder—whether in a state of ventral vagal calm, sympathetic arousal, or dorsal shutdown—and how to use gentle practices to move toward safety, regulation, and connection.

This episode offers clarity and compassion for anyone feeling overwhelmed after betrayal, reminding listeners that you are not broken—you’re human, and your body is doing exactly what it was designed to do.

📚 Resources & References

• Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

• Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

• Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Delacorte Press.

• Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.

• Human Intimacy — Course: Rise: Hope and Healing from Sexual Betrayal – A 12-week guided program designed for betrayed partners to understand trauma, rebuild safety, and begin recovery.

• Worksheet: Mapping Your Polyvagal Responses – Included in the course to help you identify your nervous-system states and create personalized strategies for regulation.

Understanding PTSD Symptoms After Sexual Betrayal

In this episode of Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, Dr. Kevin Skinner and Marianne Michaels dive deep into why sexual betrayal is best understood through the lens of trauma and PTSD. They discuss the history of partner responses—moving away from the outdated “co-addict” model—and explain how research since the mid-2000s has validated that betrayed partners often experience symptoms identical to PTSD.

Together, they explore the five PTSD criteria as they relate to betrayal:

• Criteria B: Reliving it through triggers, flashbacks, and nightmares.

• Criteria C: Avoidance of people, places, or even one’s own emotions.

• Criteria D: Negative mood and cognitions, including shame, self-blame, and feeling “not enough.”

• Criteria E: Hyperarousal and hypervigilance, including sleep issues and self-harm risk.

• Criteria A: Threats to life, including risks of STDs, sexual violence, or unsafe relationship dynamics.

This episode emphasizes that betrayed partners are not crazy—their reactions are normal trauma responses. By identifying symptoms through proper assessments, betrayed partners can validate their experiences and take steps toward healing.

📚 Resources Mentioned

• Assessment: Trauma Inventory for Betrayed Partners (free access)

• Skinner, K. (2018). Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal.

• Stephens, B., & Rennie, R. (2006). Early research linking betrayal trauma with PTSD symptoms.

• American Psychiatric Association. (2013). DSM-5: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (for PTSD criteria).

Additional Recommended Reading & Support

• Becker, M. (2019). Compassion for Couples: Building the Skills of Loving Connection.

• Mays, M. (2023). The Betrayal Bind: How to Heal When the Person You Love the Most Hurts You the Worst.

• Keffer, S. (2018). Intimate Deception: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Betrayal.

• HumanIntimacy.com — courses, resources, and upcoming retreats.

Shattered Trust: The Day Everything Changed 🌱 Episode Summary

In this opening episode of Rise: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis speak directly to those standing in the aftermath of discovery day—the moment life suddenly changes because of sexual betrayal.

They share clinical expertise, personal stories, and research insights from thousands of betrayed partners to validate the shock, confusion, and pain that follow betrayal. Using powerful metaphors like “being hit by a truck,” they help listeners name the trauma and understand why the experience feels so overwhelming.

Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn also outline how betrayal trauma mirrors the symptoms of PTSD, including intrusive thoughts, hypervigilance, avoidance, mood changes, and a deep sense of shattered safety. To bring grounding and relief amidst racing thoughts and overwhelming emotions, they introduce the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding tool, a simple yet powerful exercise that uses the five senses to calm the nervous system.

Above all, this episode offers a message of hope: though life may feel broken beyond repair, healing is possible step by step, breath by breath. You are not alone, and there is a pathway forward.

📚 Resources Mentioned

• Assessment: Betrayal Trauma Symptom Assessment – measure your current experiences and begin tracking your healing journey.

• Book: Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal by Dr. Kevin Skinner – research-based guidance for understanding and healing betrayal trauma.

• Grounding Exercise: The 5-4-3-2-1 Tool (identify 5 things you see, 4 you feel, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste).

• 12-Step Insight: “A day at a time, a step at a time, a breath at a time.” – a reminder for pacing yourself in the healing process.

• Support: Visit humanintimacy.com/reclaim for resources, courses, and ongoing support for betrayed partners.

Holding Boundaries In Discomfort: Emotions, Pushback and Staying Grounded with Dr. Skinner (Rise Season 2, Episode 16)

In this episode of Rise: Hope & Healing After Sexual Betrayal, MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT is joined again by Dr. Kevin Skinner LMFT, CSAT, CPTT to continue the powerful conversation on boundaries—this time focusing on what happens after you set one.

Because the truth is… setting a boundary is only the beginning.

What happens when your partner pushes back? When fear floods in? When you’re not even sure you can follow through?

This episode steps into the emotional reality of holding boundaries—the discomfort, the fear, and the growth required to stay grounded in your values.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

• Why boundaries must be rooted in your personal values (your “why”)
• The role of homeostasis—and why change in relationships feels so hard
• The difference between rigid vs. flexible boundaries
• Why you are allowed to change your mind as you learn and grow
• What it really means to follow through on a boundary
• How to handle pushback, resistance, or defensiveness
• The impact of shame filters in the betraying partner
• Why boundaries often trigger fear of loss and abandonment
• The importance of differentiation—holding onto yourself in the relationship
• How to stay grounded when you feel triggered, anxious, or dysregulated

Key Takeaways:

• Boundaries are not about control—they are about self-alignment and safety
• If a boundary isn’t connected to your values, it will be difficult to maintain
• You don’t have to get it perfect—you need to stay aware and adaptable
• Discomfort is not a sign you’re doing it wrong—it’s often a sign of growth
• You can be both shaky and strong at the same time

Emotional Reality Check:

Holding boundaries may bring up:

• Fear (“Will this end my relationship?”)
• Anxiety (“What if I can’t follow through?”)
• Confusion (“Am I doing this right?”)
• Grief (loss of identity, loss of what was)

This is normal.

You are learning a new way of being—like writing with your non-dominant hand.

🛠️ Practical Tools Shared:

• Define your boundary by asking: “What is my why?”
• Communicate clearly: “If X happens, I will respond by doing Y.”
• Prepare for resistance—it doesn’t mean the boundary is wrong
• Regulate yourself before having the conversation
• Build support systems (friends, therapists, safe people)
• Give yourself permission to adjust as you learn

Final Thought:

Boundaries are only as strong as the work you’ve done within yourself.

And even when it feels uncomfortable, uncertain, or scary— you are allowed to take up space, have needs, and honor them.

🔗 Resources Mentioned:

• Dr. Kevin Skinner’s work on rebuilding after betrayal
• Rebuild Your Relationship After Sexual Betrayal
• Boundary Course at Human Intimacy: https://www.humanintimacy.com/link/9yNi7c?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.humanintimacy.com%2Fcourse%3Fcourseid%3Dboundary-basics
• www.youtube.com/human-intimacy
• Grief After Betrayal Impact Scale Survey: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/Grief-scale

 Like and Share the Podcast

If this episode resonated with you, please help us reach others who may need support by liking and sharing it.  You never know who needs to hear that they’re not alone.

Slow Down, Don’t Torch It Down: Why Attachment Makes Boundaries Feel So Threatening

If boundaries feel overwhelming, confusing, or even dangerous to your relationships—this episode is for you.

In this conversation, MaryAnn Michaelis LCSW, CSAT, CPTT, and Dr. Karen Strange, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT, slow things down to explore why boundaries are so hard, especially in the context of attachment. This isn’t about “just set a boundary.” It’s about understanding the deep, often invisible forces—attachment styles and wounds, fears of loss, early modeling, and unmet needs—that can cause boundaries feel like a threat instead of a healthy tool.

Drawing from Robert Frost's Mending Wall, insights from The Betrayal Bind, and foundational principles in Boundaries, this episode reframes boundaries as something deeply relational—not rejecting.

Because when boundaries feel like they might cost you connection… of course you hesitate.  Check out our ttransformative course Boundary Basics online course- designed to help you understand, define and create healthy boundaries for all of your relationships at: https://www.humanintimacy.com/course/boundary-basics. 

What This Episode Explores

• The meaning behind “good fences make good neighbors” from Mending Wall—and why boundaries aren’t about keeping people out, but defining space with clarity and care
• Why boundaries can feel like risking the relationship instead of protecting it
• The very real fear of losing attachment, approval, and connection
• How family of origin (FOO) modeling shapes your ability to set boundaries
• How abuse and emotional neglect can create “collapsed” or unclear boundaries
• Why humans are wired to seek approval and belonging—and how that complicates boundaries
• How attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, secure) influence:
  • your ability to set boundaries
  • your reaction when others set them
• The internal experience of “I don’t even know what I need”
• Why confusion is a normal part of boundary work
• The difference between external rules vs. authentic, internal empowerment
• Why boundaries must be personalized to be sustainable (a core principle echoed in Boundaries)
• The fluid nature of boundaries—they can evolve as you heal
• A foundational truth emphasized throughout: Betrayal is a boundary violation. Period.
• How The Betrayal Bind helps frame boundaries as protective and adjustable, not all-or-nothing
• What we can learn from early childhood development (even at age 3) about having a voice without fear of punishment or loss
• Why many adults still struggle to say “no” without fear of losing love
• The pattern of “waffling” on boundaries and what’s underneath it
• How to de-personalize your partner’s reactions to your boundaries
• Why your partner’s protest is often not about you
• The role of shame in resisting or reacting to boundaries
• How addiction and trauma can lead to arrested emotional development
• Why boundaries actually help us become more relational—not less

Key Takeaways

• Boundaries feel hard because they are tied to attachment, safety, and survival
• If you didn’t see healthy boundaries modeled, you’re likely learning a new language
• Not knowing what you need is not failure—it’s part of the healing process
• Boundaries are not about punishment—they are about protection and clarity
• You may “waffle” as you learn—this is normal, not a setback
• Other people’s reactions to your boundaries often reflect their own limitations, shame, or lack of tools
• As shame decreases, boundaries become less threatening and more collaborative
• Like the rebuilding of the wall in Mending Wall, boundaries are something we maintain and revisit over time
• Healthy boundaries don’t destroy relationships—they create the conditions for real connection

Reflection Questions

• When I think about setting a boundary, what am I afraid might happen?
• Do I associate boundaries with loss of connection or safety?
• Where did I learn (or not learn) how to have boundaries?
• What do I actually need right now—and can I sit with that question without rushing the answer?
• Am I reacting to someone else’s boundary as if it’s about me?

 Closing Encouragement

If you feel the urge to “torch it down”—to react, shut down, or avoid—pause.

Slow down.

There’s likely a deeper fear underneath… one tied to connection, safety, and being seen.

As both The Betrayal Bind and Boundaries reinforce, boundaries are not about pushing people away—they are about defining what allows relationship to be safe and sustainable.

Boundaries aren’t here to take connection away. They’re here to help you finally experience it in a healthier way.

Resources

• GABIS https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/Grief-scale
• Boundary Basics https://www.humanintimacy.com/course/boundary-basics
• The Betrayal Bind - Michelle Mays
• Boundaries - Drs. Henry Cloud and Townsend
• Explore guided support and boundary tools: humanintimacy.com

Episode Summary

What are boundaries—really? And why do they feel so hard to get right after betrayal?

In this episode, Rise hostess MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT sits  down with Kristin Kristiano, LCSW, CSAT to unpack the confusion around boundaries—what they are, what they’re not, and why so many attempts at “setting boundaries” actually create more disconnection.

We explore the critical shift from trying to control someone else to creating safety within yourself, how to identify your bottom lines, and what it looks like to hold boundaries when you’re triggered.

This conversation brings clarity, validation, and a grounded path forward for anyone navigating betrayal trauma.

In This Episode they Address:

• What boundaries actually are (and what they’re not)
• The difference between requests vs. boundaries
• Boundaries and child development
• Differences between prescriptive vs. adaptive boundaries
• Why control leads to resistance in relationships
• How to shift from controlling behaviors → self-protection
• Understanding bottom lines and non-negotiables
• When a relationship may no longer feel safe to continue
• The difference between being triggered vs. something being wrong
• How to regulate before responding
• Rebuilding self-trust by listening to your body

Key Takeaway

Boundaries are not about changing someone else—they are about creating safety for yourself and learning to trust your own voice again.

Listener Invitation

If this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who may need support in their healing journey.

Check us out @youtube.com/human-intimacy

Follow Rise: Hope & Healing After Sexual Betrayal for more conversations that help you rebuild trust, reclaim your voice, and find healing after betrayal.

Remember: Self-trust is rebuilt by listening inward, not controlling outward

Stepping into one of the most requested—and misunderstood—topics: Boundaries, in this episode, Jennifer Johnson CMHC, CSAT, CPTT and MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT break down what boundaries actually are, what they aren’t, and why they can feel so difficult—especially after betrayal.

What Boundaries Are (And Aren’t)

What Boundaries Are Not

• Punishment

• Control

• Ultimatums

What Boundaries Actually Are

Boundaries are about creating emotional safety for you.

It’s not about controlling them—it’s about taking care of you.

Boundaries vs. Rules

Rules Focus on Them

“You need to stop…” “You have to…”

Boundaries Focus on You

“If this happens, this is what I will do.”

This shift moves you from:

• Powerless → Empowered

• Reactive → Grounded

Why Boundaries Feel So Hard

Common Trauma Responses

After betrayal, it’s normal to:

• Feel frozen or powerless

• Swing from no boundaries → extreme boundaries

• Confuse control with safety

These are trauma responses—not failures.

The “All or Nothing” Trap

What Many People Assume

Boundaries only look like:

• Separation

• Sleeping apart

• Divorce

What Boundaries Can Actually Look Like

• Taking space

• Going for a walk

• Pausing before responding

• Reaching out for support

Boundaries create safety—not punishment or forced distance.

The Key to Boundaries That Hold: Your “Why”

Without a Why

• Boundaries feel inconsistent

• You second-guess yourself

• They often collapse

With a Clear Why

• You feel grounded

• You stay consistent

• Communication becomes more effective

Understanding:

• What triggered you

• Why it matters

• What you need

…creates sustainable boundaries.

Boundaries Are Internal Work

What Boundaries Really Do

• Reclaim your voice

• Clarify your needs

• Restore a sense of control

After betrayal, boundaries become a way to say:

“I choose how I take care of me.”

If Boundaries Feel Hard

A Gentle Reminder

• This is normal

• This is a process

• You don’t have to do it perfectly

Boundaries can feel especially difficult when you still want:

• Connection

• Safety

• Repair

You’re not doing it wrong—you’re learning something new.

What’s Coming Next

This episode begins a deeper series on:

• Bottom Lines and Safety vs. Punitive Control

• Boundaries Abandonment and Attachment 

• Holding Boundaries when the Other Person Pushes Back

• When Boundaries Lead to Relationship Change

Share & Connect

If this episode helped you:

• Share it with someone who needs support

• Leave a review

• Watch on our Human Intimacy YouTube channel

Our goal is to help as many people as possible find hope, clarity, and healing.

The Data of Devastation: Early Insights from the GABIS

In this solo episode, betrayal trauma expert and host MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, CSAT, CPTT,

 shares early findings from the Grief After Betrayal Impact Scale (GABIS)—drawing directly from the voices and lived experiences of listeners in this community.

This is the data of devastation.

Not just numbers—but real accounts of grief, identity loss, and the unraveling of reality after sexual betrayal.

Because research in this area is limited, these listener-informed insights offer a rare and powerful look at what betrayal trauma actually takes—from a person’s sense of self, safety, and connection.

Be sure to check out this episode @youtube.com/Human-Intimacy to view the data charts and slides.

What You’ll Hear in This Episode

MaryAnn walks through key early insights from survey responses, including:

• Why staggered disclosure is more common—and more damaging—than most people realize
• The reality that many betrayed partners are left to discover the truth on their own
• The sharp drop in identity and self-trust after betrayal
• The most common and painful forms of grief reported by listeners
• Why so many people are suffering in silence
• Where support is helping—and where it’s falling short
• The often-overlooked physical and health impacts of betrayal trauma

One of the Most Striking Patterns

Across responses, one theme rose above the rest:

Loss.

Not just loss of a relationship—but loss of:

• identity
• safety
• trust
• reality
• and the future that once felt certain

As one listener shared:

“It’s the decades of never being truly known… the invisibility.”

Why This Conversation Matters

Grief after betrayal is often misunderstood—or missed entirely.

This episode brings language to that experience, helping listeners recognize:

• This is grief
• This is trauma
• And this response makes sense

Listen If You’re…

• Trying to make sense of your emotional response after betrayal
• Feeling like you’ve “lost yourself”
• Wondering why this feels so much bigger than just the betrayal
• Looking for validation, language, and understanding

Explore the Full Data

This episode highlights key findings—but there is more to the story.

• Watch the full podcast with visuals: YouTube.com/human-intimacy
• Contribute your experience to the ongoing survey https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/Grief-scale
• Access the full presentation from the Human Intimacy Conference 

A Final Word

If this episode resonates with you:

You are not overreacting. You are not alone.

What you’re experiencing is real—and it deserves care, support, and understanding.

If this episode helped you, consider sharing it. Someone else may need to hear that they’re not alone in this.

And as always—take care of yourself.

 

Why Betrayal Gets Worse After Discovery (What No One Tells You)

What actually happens after betrayal is discovered?

In this episode of Rise: Hope & Healing After Sexual Betrayal, MaryAnn Michaelis LCSW, CSAT, CPTT, and expert Pastor Darrell Brazell, PSAP, unpack the exposure phase (D-Day) using Dr. Omar Minwalla’s 22 Rooms of Betrayal framework.

They discuss why many partners experience increased confusion, trauma, and emotional harm after discovery, not less—and how integrity abuse behaviors play a central role and can intensify during this time. 

 

This episode includes discussion of sexual betrayal, deception, intentional abuse behaiors and betrayal trauma, which may be activating for some listeners—especially those early in their healing journey. Please listen gently and take care of yourself as you go. You’re encouraged to pause, take breaks, or return at another time if needed. You are always in control of how and when you engage with this content.

 

What’s Discussed

This conversation walks through common dynamics that emerge after discovery, including patterns like gaslighting, minimization, blame-shifting, and ongoing deception. It also highlights the painful mismatch many couples experience—where one partner is just beginning to process the truth while the other may already be in a very different place emotionally.

The episode also touches on staggered disclosure (or “trickle truth”) and why it can be especially damaging, as well as the continued patterns that often show up even after recovery has begun.

Recovery Realities

MaryAnn and Darrell discuss why healing doesn’t end with discovery or even disclosure. Trust remains fragile, trauma responses can persist, and harmful patterns may continue without intentional change. The conversation emphasizes that healing takes time, and there is no quick or linear path forward.

Closing Perspective

For many betrayed partners, discovery can bring both pain and clarity—helping make sense of things that never quite added up before. This episode offers language and insight into these experiences, reminding listeners that what they’re feeling is valid and that they are not alone.

Key Takeaways

• Betrayal trauma is complex and long-lasting
• Integrity abuse behaviors often intensify after discovery
• Staggered disclosure significantly increases trauma
• Healing requires consistent accountability, not quick fixes
• Safety and trust are rebuilt slowly over time

Resources

• Human Intimacy Companion Course: humanintimacy.com
• IAB Resource List
• Dr. Omar Minwalla’s “22 Rooms of Betrayal” resources

• The Grief After Betrayal Impact Scale (GABIS) survey

Listener Support

If this episode resonates with you:

• Share it with someone who may feel alone
• Follow the podcast for ongoing support
• Reach out for professional or community care

 

Primary Keywords: betrayal trauma, sexual betrayal recovery, integrity abuse, gaslighting in relationships, D-Day discovery, partner betrayal healing, disclosure trauma, emotional abuse patterns, relationship recovery after infidelity, Dr. Omar Minwalla,