Explorez tous les épisodes du podcast Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE
Plongez dans la liste complète des épisodes de Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE. Chaque épisode est catalogué accompagné de descriptions détaillées, ce qui facilite la recherche et l'exploration de sujets spécifiques. Suivez tous les épisodes de votre podcast préféré et ne manquez aucun contenu pertinent.
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Is my Partner a clinical "Narcissist" or does he just have Narcissistic Tendencies?
11 Nov 2025
00:45:11
This episode (#306) addresses a common but painful question from betrayed partners: “Is my spouse a narcissist, or just showing narcissistic tendencies?” Mark and Steve explain that while the term “narcissist” has become a cultural buzzword, true narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is rare and defined by a complete absence of empathy. In contrast, addicts in denial often appear narcissistic because they’re reacting defensively from fear and shame. Their hurtful behaviors—blame-shifting, gaslighting, and emotional withdrawal—mimic narcissism but stem from self-protection, not superiority.
The hosts emphasize that what matters most isn’t the label but the destination. Whether the issue is narcissism, addiction, or emotional immaturity, the key question is: Where is this relationship heading if nothing changes? The described situation clearly reflects an abuse cycle—one fueled by denial, volatility, and manipulation. For the addict, breaking that cycle means pausing reactivity, taking full ownership, and seeking specialized recovery help rather than generic therapy. True healing begins only when defensiveness gives way to empathy and accountability.
For the betrayed partner, safety and support come first. Isolation only deepens the trauma, so finding community through trusted friends, family, or support groups like S-Anon and SALifeline is essential. She must set firm boundaries and remember that protecting her partner from consequences is not the same as loving him. The episode closes with practical resources—including books like The Gaslighting Recovery Workbook and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents—and a hopeful reminder that even deeply wounded couples can rebuild when they both commit to truth, humility, and genuine change.
My Porn Addicted Partner uses photos of Family & Friends to Fantasize! What Do I Do?!
03 Nov 2025
00:48:38
This episode (#305) opens with a raw letter from a betrayed partner who discovered her husband had been using social media photos of women they both knew—friends, clients, even family—to fuel his sexual fantasies. Her anguish—“How could he ever love me if he could do this?”—captures the emotional devastation of betrayal trauma. We discuss how porn and sex addiction warp the brain’s functioning, turning sexual stimulation into a survival need. When addiction takes over the limbic brain, logic, empathy, and morality shut down, producing behavior that makes no sense to the healthy mind.
For betrayed partners, healing begins not with fixing him, but with caring for themselves. That means seeking outside support, reframing “How do I get over this?” into “How do I attend to my trauma?” and embracing acceptance—not as approval, but as facing reality so they can make empowered choices. From there, the partner can form clear, self-protective boundaries based on her authentic needs. Boundaries aren’t about controlling the addict—they’re about safeguarding one’s own integrity and safety.
For addicts, true recovery demands brutal honesty and a willingness to dismantle the lies that keep them in the “secret sexual basement.” They must uncover the emotional roots of their addiction, stop reacting defensively, and take proactive leadership in rebuilding trust. Healing requires outside accountability, transparency, and a daily commitment to growth. Ultimately, both partners must walk their own journeys—she toward safety and truth, he toward honesty and maturity. Whether they reunite or not, redemption is possible when both confront reality with courage, humility, and integrity.
When a partner reaches the heartbreaking point of saying, “I love him, but I feel I’m losing myself,” the question of staying or leaving becomes urgent. After 21 years of repeated betrayal, secrecy, and broken promises, one woman wonders how long she can endure the cycle. This PBSE episode (#296) unpacks that struggle, emphasizing that being lured back by charm is not weakness but love—and also highlighting how charm without change is manipulation and emotional abuse.
We examine the addict’s cycle of secrecy, discovery, promises, and relapse, and show how it traps both partners in a destructive spin. From the partner’s perspective, the cost of staying has shifted from compromise to self-abandonment. Using analogies like a failing business merger or an overdrawn bank account, we frame the critical question: at what point does loyalty become losing yourself? The markers include lack of honesty, no accountability, and the erasure of authentic identity.
Ultimately, partners must find clarity through boundaries, safe support, and honest reflection. Journaling, support groups, and evaluating whether growth or disappearance defines the relationship can provide direction. While ending a marriage is always a tragedy, the greater tragedy is staying in one where you are erased. The message is clear: you are worth safety, truth, and love—whether inside this relationship or beyond it.
The More I Learn About His “Disgusting Past” the Less I Want to Have Sex with Him! How Can We Ever Recover From This?
13 Dec 2023
00:29:53
We know that the title to Episode 206 is hard-hitting! But, this is very close to a "quote" from a PBSE listener who is a partner in betrayal trauma healing. Here's the very raw and real situation and question she sent to us— "Hi Mark and Steve, My husband and I are coming up on one year since D-Day. We’ve each been in individual therapy and 12 step groups: he for his addiction, me for betrayal trauma. One of the problems is that we haven’t had a formal therapeutic disclosure and more and more information about past betrayals keeps trickling out. Every time it does, my scab is ripped off. Here’s the heart of my question—the more I learn about his disgusting past, and many many betrayals, the less I want to have sex with him. In fact I feel actual physical disgust at the thought. I hope to work through my trauma and his recovery and come out the other side with a stronger relationship. My question is what do I do about the absolute physical/sexual revulsion I feel toward him? Thanks so much. I love your podcast."
In this episode, Mark & Steve directly address HOW this couple can have the best chance to "come out the other side with a stronger relationship." They talk about what each partner can do to "own their side of the street" and set and hold healthy boundaries. They also address what a proper, healthy "therapeutic disclosure" looks like and WHY it is CRITICAL that this approach replace the all-too-common "toxic trickle-disclosure."
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
What is the Betrayed Partner’s Responsibility in Rebuilding a Relationship?
05 Dec 2023
00:35:31
In Episode 205, Mark and Steve tackle a VERY sensitive, but crucial topic. This episode comes in response to a porn/sex addict in recovery who wrote the following—
"Hi there, I just want to start by saying thank you for your work in this area of addiction. I'm an addict and I've been in a relationship for the past 4 years. I've betrayed my partner several times during that time. I've been to treatment and I've come a long way since those early days in the relationship. I've stopped my damaging behavior and language towards my partner and I've been showing up for her consistently over the past few months. I feel like I'm doing everything I can for her. I've had to endure a lot of emotional and verbal abuse over the past few years from her and it's mostly always been blamed on my addiction or my behavior. I always believed that if I acted differently then things would be different. Now that I feel like I am showing up at my best, I'm really starting to question whether or not my partner is capable of treating me respectfully. I realize that the recovery process takes time and consistency, but the abuse is becoming intolerable for me. I feel like I’ve continued to be attacked and yelled at. My partner often says or hears things that she doesn't remember saying afterward when she's in a triggered state. One thing I have noticed in this area of recovery is the lack of information regarding what the betrayed partner's responsibility is. I feel like my partner is struggling with taking responsibility for her abuse or her own recovery work. When should an addict walk away? What is the betrayed partner's responsibility in rebuilding a relationship? What should and shouldn’t be tolerated in the recovery process? "
In this episode, Mark & Steve speak with authenticity, empathy and compassion to addicts in recovery; partners in betrayal trauma healing; and to couples seeking to repair their relationship. This is a very direct discussion about a very important issue.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
How to have a Healthy Couples Dialogue in Tackling Sexually Triggering Topics
28 Nov 2023
00:28:16
In Episode 204, Mark & Steve take on what is often a very difficult topic for couples—talking openly, authentically and non-defensively about all aspects of their sexual relationship. This episode is in response to a situation and question sent in by a PBSE listener. Her partner is in active, genuine recovery from porn/sex addiction and doing a lot of things right. Yet, there are some aspects of his behavior that she is unsure about. Here's how she describes the situation—
"My question today centers around what should our new "normal" look like in the bedroom? . . . My partner has completely stopped watching porn and masturbating and has been strong in this rule since May of this year. He does however still tell me about his fantasies about me during the day. How he will dress me up in his mind and think about me in a sexual way, along with other scenarios he might conjure up . . . I can't help feeling that by doing this he is still living in a fantasy world. I'm not sure this is a good thing. We have a very healthy sex life in the real world and we are both still very attracted to each other. I'm unsure how to bring this up because I don't want to take away from the fantastic work that he is doing, but at the same time if his addict brain is still activated then we will need to address it. I understand this may be a difficult topic to address as every human is different but I would love to hear your thoughts on how an addict's brain in recovery should treat lust towards their partner. Thank you again for all that you do."
In this episode, Mark & Steve do not delve into the topic of "What is healthy sexuality." They have covered that subject in many past podcasts. For example, in episode #170 “Why Are Sexual Boundaries Critical for A Truly Connected Coupleship?”, and Episode #144 “Are the Sexual Practices in your Relationship ‘safe’? How Can You Know?”
In this episode, Mark & Steve approach this situation from the realm of “advanced intimacy and communication." HOW can a couple talk about deep sexual/intimacy issues in a healthy, collaborate, unifying way?
- The Personal/individual work you MUST do in advance BEFORE tackling this topic as a couple.
- Specific elements of healthy, collaborative coupleship communication when engaging in this sensitive topic.
- The absolute "dont's" when trying to tackle this topic as a couple.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
How Can an Addict and Partner Stay “Safe” During Holiday Trips and Vacations?
21 Nov 2023
00:35:57
In episode 203, Mark and Steve tackle an issue that is often extremely challenging for both the individual who is in recovery from porn/sex addiction AND for their partner who is healing from betrayal trauma. That issue is—Trips and Travel—during the holidays as well as trips and vacations throughout the year.
- WHY can trips and vacations be SO triggering for both the addict and their partner?!
- HOW is safety created for addicts AND their partners when the addict travels "solo"?
- HOW is safety created for the addict and the partner when they travel together as a couple?
- WHY every guy in recovery from porn/sex addiction MUST create, share and follow through with a "TRAVEL PLAN."
- WHAT are the specific, essential elements of a Travel Plan?
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
I Have Been Betrayed by So Many Men! What Steps Can I Take Going Forward to NOT be Hurt Again?!
14 Nov 2023
00:34:48
Episode 202 is in response to a deeply traumatic situation and heartfelt questions sent in by a PBSE listener. For over 40 years, this dear woman has been betrayed, gaslighted, lied to, disrespected and dismissed by the men in her life, starting with her own father. Now, much older and wiser, IF she enters into a future relationship, she doesn't want to set herself up for the pain of the past. Here's how she expressed this deep concern—
"I don't EVER want these types of relationships again! What steps can I take to ensure I don't add [another dysfunctional] man in my life?"
In this PBSE episode, Mark and Steve talk raw and real about HOW to create the best chance for healthy, successful, connected relationships going forward. And how NOT to repeat the abusive, painful relationship cycles of the past.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
Why do Betrayed Partners Feel Unsafe? What does it take to Feel Safe Again and Why is this Critical to Healing?
07 Nov 2023
00:31:24
In episode 201, Mark and Steve address a very genuine and vulnerable cry for help from a woman who was severely betrayed by her husband. Her message and questions were lengthy, so here's a summary of what she submitted to PBSE—
- Our PBSE listener had a good friend who was temporarily living in her home. Her husband had an affair with the friend while she was staying there.
- When confronted, the husband and friend both blamed our listener for the situation, claiming it was because our listener was in menopause.
- This was followed by months of gaslighting, blaming and shaming which led to a nervous breakdown for our listener.
- Since then, the husband has done a little work, admitting to using porn, but has continued to stonewall, blame, shame, patronize, show disrespect, talk over her, etc.
- When our listener shared what she authentically needs for them to try and move forward (therapy, 12-Step, D2C, etc.) he declined saying that he was taking an online porn addiction course and that's all he can handle right now.
- All of this has continued "heaping on" until our listener feels completely unsafe in the relationship and in her own home. Her husband does not understand why she doesn't feel safe and insists he "is not a danger to her."
Our listener asked us the following questions—"Can you please do a podcast about safety for the betrayed spouse? Why we don't feel safe, what it takes to make us feel safe and how important it is for us to start feeling safe again? And also what makes us feel threatened and unsafe?"
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
Episode 200!!! What Does it Mean to “Dare” in Your Relationship?
31 Oct 2023
00:36:04
This is PBSE's 200th episode! We (Mark & Steve) want to express our deepest appreciation to all of our PBSE listeners in more than 185 countries world-wide. YOU are the reason we are so passionate about this cause and dedicated to bringing you our weekly podcast. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
One of the great passions that fuels our counseling work and the PBSE Podcast is the opportunity to help couples mend their broken relationships and move forward to be closer and more connected than ever! It was from this passion that our online recovery and healing program, "Dare to Connect" was born. In this 200th episode, Mark & Steve talk about what it means to "DARE" in your relationship and the deep levels of connection and intimacy that come as a result.
Dare to:
Be Transparent
Be Vulnerable
Be Humble
Be Account-able
Be Empathetic
Be Response-able
Be Boundaried
Be Collaborative
Be Confronting
Be Confront-able
Be Intimate
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
You Can Rewire Your Subconscious Mind—and Break Out of Porn/Sex Addiction!
24 Oct 2023
00:23:03
In Episode 199, Steve is on the road traveling so Mark is flying solo on the PBSE podcast.
Everyday we think, talk and act on "autopilot" in SO many ways! All of this is "hard-wired" in the subconscious mind's computer. And one of the most powerfully hard-wired programs the subconscious mind’s computer can contain is ADDICTION. Addiction is all about reacting on autopilot. We encounter stress, discomfort, pain, disappointment, shame, fear, failure and any number of other negative feelings and our subconscious programming automatically kicks in and moves us like a robot down the automatic track of seeking escape and self-soothing through long-established and practiced addiction outlets.
And after it’s all over we shake our heads and wonder, “How did I fall off the deep end again? It’s like I wasn’t thinking; like I don’t even have a mind of my own.” Truth is, when you give in to addiction, you’re not thinking; you’re not using your conscious mind at all—the hard-wired subconscious takes over and from that point you’re simply along for the ride.
The question is, are we stuck with the subconscious programing that has been hard-wired over a lifetime? Can our subconscious computer be “re-wired” and re-programmed? The resounding answer to that is YES!!! The next logical question is HOW? Find out in this episode of the PBSE podcast.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
SPECIAL EPISODE! For My Recovery & My Partner’s Healing—How Can I Stop “Scanning in Public”?
17 Oct 2023
01:07:01
Episode 198 is a very special episode! You will notice that this episode is much longer than what is typical for PBSE. That's because we're doing a "re-broadcast" of a special "on-location" Dare to Connect session we did for addicts in recovery back in January 2023. We are doing this in response to a request made to us by a current PBSE and D2C subscriber—
"Mark and Steve,the other day [in my Reddit group], I shared how my addict spouse had learned to not scan and objectify and the tools you had shared back in like December/January when you did the episode from the coffee shop. That (and other topics) have been instrumental in him learning tools for when he goes out [in public]. Well someone [in the Reddit group] asked what episode I was referring to. And I realized, I’m not 100% sure you have covered this in [any PBSE] podcasts. Or if you have, I don’t remember which ones at the moment. Is this something you can share with your PBSE listeners so that it’s public for others to learn and grow and improve?"
In this special Dare to Connect re-broadcast, Mark and Steve are actually broadcasting from a very busy and very public well-known coffee shop. In that setting, they take the Dare to Connect addicts in recovery--who are attending online--through specific TOOLS to use in triggering public places so that they don't scan or objectify and instead are fully present with their partner.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
Sick and Tired of the Roller Coaster Ride of Porn/Sex Addiction? Here Are Some Simple Tools to Start Breaking Free.
10 Oct 2023
00:25:29
After years or decades of feeling stuck in the endless "addiction cycle," it can be easy to become weighed down in hopelessness and the seeming "inevitability" of continuing relapse. In Episode 197, Mark Kastleman shares some simple, yet powerful tools to begin breaking free from the shackles of porn/sex addiction. For well over a decade, these tools have been tested and proved with thousands of addicts across the globe. Perhaps they can help you or someone you love in the fight to be free!
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
My Partner uses Porn to Punish Me for Not Losing Weight. How do I Recover from That?!
26 Aug 2025
00:47:55
This episode (#295) examines the devastating impact of a husband who weaponized pornography and withheld intimacy as punishment for his wife not meeting his “ideal” body standard. Over two decades, his rejection inflicted a “self-esteem massacre,” leaving her questioning how she could ever recover. We identify this behavior as rooted in immaturity, selfishness, and abuse, making clear that true love cannot coexist with manipulation, blame, and objectification.
On the husband’s side, recovery requires full accountability for the betrayal, exploration of the underlying reasons for his actions, and professional support to overcome blind spots. He must rewire his arousal template away from pornography’s objectification, learn to value his wife as a whole person, and proactively pursue her through consistent, tangible actions of empathy and repair. Without ongoing accountability and amends, there is no foundation for rebuilding trust.
For the partner, healing means cultivating self-worth independent of him, setting clear boundaries, and building a support network outside the marriage. She must find her authentic voice to name her needs, articulate the impact of his actions, and decide what is safe and healthy for her future. The article closes with affirmation: she did not cause this, she does not deserve it, she cannot fix him, and she remains inherently valuable and lovable regardless of his choices.
My Spouse “Fooled” Me and Everyone in Our Family for Years! Now I Can’t Stand to Even Look at Him! Is there any Hope for us?
03 Oct 2023
00:33:49
Episode 196 is in response to a very raw and painful situation shared by the spouse of a porn/sex addict. Here's what she had to say—
Hi and thank you both so much for what you do, I found you through the worst time in my life by the grace of god. I am in my second marriage with a man who is ten years younger than myself. I poured my heart and soul into this marriage, and I have recently found out all the secrets he has kept from me for years. He has fooled everyone, my entire family, even my daughters from my first marriage said, "what? not [Jimmy]." He seems as though he wants to work through his issues and has taken steps to make changes to make our marriage better, but I cant seem to get through this pain, devastation, and hate I feel all day everyday. I introduced him to your podcast, and he reached out to Steve about counseling and is willing to commit to the whole process, but I desperately need help getting through this pain, I pray everyday, go to church, and try to live like god wants us too, but I have so much hate I cant seem to get past. I’ve looked for help groups here in [my area], but there really isn't much here for the spouses. You both speak to my heart and I feel like you could help me, would dare to connect be something you would recommend for me, or do we both need to commit to the program? I know he would like to join me, but I am in such a dark place, I cant stand to even look at him. Would this help us to find peace again, together? Alone? I am desperately seeking your guidance and hope you are able to give me the peace that I so need.
In this episode, Mark and Steve share how this dear woman's story broke their hearts! During their deep addiction years, their wives faced similar situations and they have worked with many spouses over the years who have been deep in this kind of pain. This is called BETRAYAL TRAUMA and it is devastating in SO many ways for women married to sex/porn addicts—especially addicts who lie, hide, gaslight and keep deep secrets for years or decades. Mark and Steve review HOW betrayal trauma impacts spouses and WHY their addict partners NEED to deeply understand, show empathy and HELP HER HEAL!
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
What is the Difference Between “Codependence” and Authentic Feelings & Boundaries?
26 Sep 2023
00:32:27
There is an old, antiquated psychology model that is unfortunately still referenced by too many people out there regarding how porn/sex addiction impacts a spouse/partner. That old model is called, "Codependency."
For many years, Mark and Steve have practiced a far more effective and correct model and approach known as, "Betrayal Trauma." A PBSE listener who is the partner of a porn/sex addict, sent in a situation and questions around the misguided use and even "weaponization" of the term "codependency." Here is what she submitted—
"I recently showed my partner the episode titled “my partners definition of porn is different from mine” with the purpose of highlighting things like priorities and the authentic self. This was prompted because my partner has not been watching explicit videos, but was on tiktok listening to an adult content creator describing the physical aspects of one of the scenes she filmed; I brought this up with him to create a boundary around things that are overtly sexual as I feel they overlap with aspects of his pornography addiction. After he listened I asked him what he found valuable from the podcast and he said “the part about codependency” implying that my behavior was codependent because I was expressing that something made me uncomfortable and asking him to discuss possible solutions with me. Now whenever I talk to him about any negative feelings I have surrounding his behaviors he immediately says I’m being codependent. I looked through your podcasts for an episode on partner codependency but did not find one. I am hoping you guys could discuss what the difference between codependency and feelings or boundaries are; both so I can evaluate my own actions and behaviors and so my partner can hear it defined more clearly. I am fine taking accountability for codependent behaviors, but I do not want to be in a situation where all of my feelings get labeled as codependent."
In this episode, Mark and Steve talk raw and real about the differences between so-called, "codependency" and the expressing of authentic feelings and the holding of healthy boundaries.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
How Can a Porn/Sex Addict in Recovery, most effectively project His Authenticity and Higher Self?
19 Sep 2023
00:36:49
In Episode 194, Mark and Steve respond to what may be the most brief situation and question ever submitted to PBSE. It comes from a sex addict trying to reconcile with his partner. Here's his submission—
"How can I reconcile my infidelity and my care for women’s rights? My wife says that I’m lying to myself, but I feel like I do care about #metoo. Like, wtf???"
In this episode, Mark and Steve get raw and real about HOW a porn/sex addict in recovery can most effectively project his authenticity and higher self to his partner. First, Mark and Steve talk about "obstacles"—
Obstacles: - Lack of trust - Lack of empathy - Caught in victim mode - Lack of accountability for the past or future commitments - Unwillingness to collaborate - Lack of shame resiliency - Ego Defense Mechanisms (Pride, stubbornness, machismo, ego) - Incorrect paradigms surrounding sexuality, connection, etc. - Addict/Survival Resistance mentality
Then they talk about the "solutions"—
Solutions: - Actively seeking and developing trust-building experiences - An openness to other paradigms and ways of doing things (input from a spouse, therapist, group members, friends, etc) - Practicing and growing in active account-ability and response-ability - Developing vulnerability and mindfulness - Practicing & developing self-worth and confidence - Sobriety - Consistent follow-through and change in working to fix cultural and cognitive distortions regarding sexuality, connection, etc
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
What is “His” Role and “Her” Role in Rebuilding Trust?
12 Sep 2023
00:32:45
In Episode #193, Mark & Steve talk passionately about a super-crucial part of addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing—rebuilding trust! This episode was created in answer to the following situation sent in by a sex/porn addict actively seeking recovery and yearning to rebuild trust with his partner—
"Hello, I have been listening for a few months now and have a question. A little back story, I have been as far as I know addicted to sex/porn for most of my life (about 30 years). Until recently when I have been trying to do something about it by understanding it and the underlying issues. About two three years ago is when I had an affair (no sexual contact, but flirting and hiding everything). Wife found out about it and it’s been downhill ever since. We have not gone to therapy. We have gotten some books and have been listening to your podcasts for a little while. I feel I have made some improvements personally as a result. I guess what I am trying to ask is, when or how long does it take being faithful, open, honest, and committed to her for her to start to trust again? I know that it may take the rest of my life for that to happen. I am in desperate need of help and I don’t know where to go. I do not know who to talk to and I don’t know how to talk to her. My work has a chaplain service, and I talk with them usually every Friday, but I don’t know if it is helping or not. I do not believe that it is helping her at all. I do not believe that she talks with or to anyone about this."
Rules for Rebuilding Trust:
- The betrayer is optimally the one leading the charge. It is their primary role to lead out in:
Providing accountability about the past.
Providing ongoing transparency in all current and future situations.
Cultivating, practicing and expressing empathy for the pain of their betrayed partner.
Creatively and proactively pursuing both AMENDS and a COMMITMENT–BASED PLAN going forward for how they will go about enacting all of the above.
What can the betrayed partner do in the rebuilding of trust?
Crazy hard, but being open to the fact that trust is not “all or nothing”—looking for small areas where trust CAN be built. Trust is a “trajectory.” But even in so-called small things, "trust but verify."
Active steps to find and catalyze healing on your own end (EMDR, therapy, working a 12-step program, Dare to Connect, etc.)
Although trauma is a one-way street, healing in a relationship context is a two-way street.
He can hurt you, but he cannot fix you.
This is good news–your recovery doesn’t have to be completely dependent on him, particularly from an individual side.
When it comes to your own personal healing, you are in the driver's seat!
Our whole focus in D2C this month is how “Boundaries” are essential to rebuilding trust. One essential component in recovery and healing is a clear division of response-abilities and roles in all aspects of the relationship.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
Should I Marry My Porn-Addicted Fiancé or Move On?
05 Sep 2023
00:31:30
We KNOW this is a VERY intense episode title! We decided to tackle this topic because it was submitted by a PBSE listener who is engaged to a porn addict and wants to know if she should proceed or end the relationship. Here's how she describes her situation—
"Hi, I really appreciate this podcast and what it offers—as a partner of a porn addict, it gives me valuable insight on what we are both going through. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. About 3 years ago, I found out about his addiction and it’s been an uphill battle ever since. All of this has been heartbreaking to say the least and I have been trying to make sense of the deep betrayal and hurt. About three months ago, I finally asked him to put accountability software on his device and regularly talk to an accountability partner. He also has content and website restrictions on his phone. Since then, there have been 3-4 times I’ve found that he has looked up pornography on his device or worked a way around the accountability software. Despite this, I see real progress from him—he was almost 3.5 weeks sober just recently. I believe it happens much less often and genuinely believe he is trying. However, I am defeated because he told me he slipped up again. I have given him so much grace and understanding despite my deep hurt and pain. I am becoming increasingly more frustrated and heartbroken every time this happens. Being with someone for 6 years, I have been ready to get serious and start a life with him. But, every time this happens I feel like we are taking more and more steps backward. How do we end this toxic cycle, reclaim our relationship and finally move forward? Or—do I need to be more realistic and end this relationship, as he is too deep in his addiction? Thank you for any insight."
In this episode, Steve shares his own personal relationship story to illustrate that many years ago he and his partner were in a very similar situation!
- Why is it crucial to understand the differences between "reactive/pain-avoiding recovery" and "proactive, leading-out, all-in recovery"?
- What are the "3 Critical Rules" for couples contemplating entering into a life-long committed relationship where one of them is a porn/sex addict?
- Why is it NOT in the best interest and happiness of either individual to enter into a long-term commitment UNLESS certain very specific conditions are willingly agreed to and worked on long BEFORE the final joining takes place?
- Why is it imperative that the partner of a porn/sex addict tell him what he "needs to hear" as opposed to what he "wants to hear"?
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
What Happens when Porn Use/Sex Addiction is Blamed on the so-called “Inadequacies” of a Partner?
29 Aug 2023
00:23:42
In Episode 191, Mark and Steve take on what is an extremely difficult and painful topic for the partners of porn/sex addicts. This episode is in response to a PBSE listener vulnerably and transparently describing a very hurtful and traumatic situation and history she is facing with her partner. During their relationship, he has regularly chosen to access porn and other sexual behaviors outside of the loyalty and faithfulness of their committed relationship. When he immerses himself into those destructive behaviors, he tends to “turn the tables” and place blame upon her for his choices. Here’s part of what she expressed—
“When he’s not active in his addiction, he’s the sweetest, most open, considerate, really great guy. When he’s active in addiction, everything is my fault. He’s been addicted to porn and sex probably his whole life, and he knows the issues underlying it. Would you please, please do a podcast on how it’s NOT how your partner is not a porn model; it’s not her behaviors when the addiction has always been there; it’s not right that he blames her and makes excuses for keeping on doing it. And maybe touch on how addicts can fall into self pity? Ugh. Thanks again for all you do. This is the first really applicable podcast I've heard about these issues, and the first place I found in depth descriptions and help. It’s a huge relief. Thank you.”
In this episode, Mark and Steve talk raw and real to individuals struggling with porn/sex addiction and to their partners, who too often can be blamed for destructive, betraying behaviors and choices that they did not cause, do not deserve and cannot fix.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
After My Lying and Gaslighting, My Partner Won’t Believe Me! How Do I Show True Empathy & Rebuild Trust?
22 Aug 2023
00:32:42
In Episode 190, Mark and Steve take on some excellent questions asked by a PBSE listener. He is in good, solid, active recovery from porn/sex addiction and alcoholism. He is doing a LOT of right things and amassing some really good sobriety. But, based on his long history of addiction, lying, gaslighting, etc., she is having a hard time believing that he is doing as well as he claims. Here's part of what he shared—
". . . she doesn't believe it was possible for me to cut back like I claim to have done. Making things worse, [in the past, I lied to her] and hid my porn use. Now I've been sober from porn for about 3 months. Even though it has been less than once a month between September 2022 - March of 2023, she believes it has been and continues to be substantially more. I was gaslighting her as well, which clearly has not helped. She is aware of all my disclosures now, but does not believe me. To add to the mix, she suffers from past trauma, including her upbringing, and prior relationships. So while I am sober now, and have been honest with her, I have an uphill battle to reestablish trust with her. Even in my sobriety, she believes I am still using, including as recently as last week. My sponsors have told me that I cannot control other people, which is correct, but I am wondering how I can go about reestablishing trust with my current partner? How can I learn to be more empathetic? How can I work to put us back on a solid foundation so I can repair the damage that I've done, or at least try to repair the damage?
Here are some insights that Mark and Steve offer in this episode—
- What is "true empathy/leaning-in" and how can it help rebuild trust?
- How can an addict in real recovery respond in healthy, connecting ways to a partner that wisely "seeks to trust but verify"?
- In order to rebuild or even establish trust for the first time, a porn/sex addict MUST show forth consistent, authentic "recovery efforts" and "recovery results." How does one in recovery specifically "lead out" in these two areas? How does an addict in recovery embrace and live the motto—"Talk is cheap, show me!"
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
Boundaries, Trauma and “Long-Distance-Sex”–Where do We Go From Here?
15 Aug 2023
00:38:15
In Episode 189, Mark and Steve answer three critical questions sent in by a PBSE listener who is trying to balance her own healing from sexual trauma and her relationship with a 15-year-porn-addict who refuses to get into recovery. And he insists on a long-distance, "digital/cyber" sexual relationship. Here's her situation—
"My partner and I are long distance. He has been a porn addict for the last 15 years and due to unrelated circumstances, refuses to get into formal recovery right now, although he has been clean for a little over 2 months. I have a long history of sexual abuse and and often suffer a form of sexual anorexia. The last time we had a conversation about him getting into recovery, I set a boundary around being sexual and said if he wasn’t willing to do even the smallest things for recovery then I wasn’t comfortable with being sexual. Right away he refused to abide by the boundary and continued to shove inappropriate conversations and jokes in my face, fully knowing it triggers me. Because of my past with sexual abuse, this feels worse than the addiction itself and we are having trouble navigating. He is annoyed that we have no sexual relationship (even through words) and it seems like he’s not able to understand my side of the story and doesn’t care to. Do I need to address my sexual trauma first? Is my boundary unfair? And how are we able to have a healthy sexual relationship from a distance without him being in formal recovery?"
In this episode, Mark and Steve talk raw and real in answering there 3 questions—
- Do I need to address my sexual trauma first?
- Is my boundary unfair?
- Are we able to have a healthy sexual relationship from a distance without him being in formal recovery?
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
Will Confronting my Addict’s "Acting-Out Partners" Help Me Heal?
08 Aug 2023
00:34:05
Episode 188 addresses a PBSE Listener's painful situation and heart-felt, crucial questions:
"Hi Mark and Steve, Firstly I want to thank you for hearing my previous question about my addict partners "empathy Button" being broken. Your podcast really reiterated that we are on the right track. Our disclosure day was with a Sex Addiction Specialist and we are both in ongoing therapy working through our individual journeys as well as our journey together.
Today I have a question geared more towards my head space than his. I mentioned in the past email that his preferred "porn" was interactive messaging and sexting to ex-partners, along with a few physical infidelities with a couple of these women. He openly admitted in the disclosure day that some of the women knew about me but that when he was asked by others, he flat out lied and told them that he wasn't seeing anyone. This was one of the most hurtful parts of his disclosure. I understand that it is not healthy for me to compare myself to these "fantasy" women and while I did start to do that in the beginning I can quickly catch myself when those thoughts arise now.
I do though, have one thought that keeps coming back to me—I want these women to know about me! I want him to tell them about me and that I know what they did. I want the ones who don't know about me to also know the truth and I want him to be the one to tell them. Part of the problem though is that we blocked and deleted their numbers and he also deleted his social media in the early stages of our therapy. So now we have no way to contact them. Im struggling to understand why I feel like I need them to know. Am I just being vindictive? Am I being petty? Or am I seeking acknowledgment in a situation that made me feel like I just didn't exist? If he does ever get a chance to tell them, would it even make me feel better? Id love your thoughts on this if you get a chance. Thank you for all that you do."
In this episode, Mark and Steve talk about their own personal experiences and their decades-long work with partners in betrayal trauma healing, to answer the critical question—"Will Confronting my Addict’s Acting-Out Partners Help Me Heal?"
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
What Place Does “Edging” Have or Not Have in Healthy Recovery and Healing a Relationship?
01 Aug 2023
00:29:31
In Episode 187, Mark & Steve take on a topic and question from a PBSE listener that hasn't been specifically addressed on the podcast before. Here's what a listener submitted—
"Hi Mark and Steve - long time listener now and I've recommended your podcast many times to others in recovery. Thank you for all you professionalism, vulnerability, and all the resources you've put together! My question today is about so-called "edging" which refers to masturbation without orgasm. There seems to be confusion about whether this behavior is harmful, how or whether it fits into recovery, and how or whether it fits into a committed relationship, even without pornography or fantasy. Would you please share any wisdom you have around this behavior? Thank you for all that you do."
- What is "Edging"?
- How does it apply to various forms of "acting out" in addiction and life?
- How can you step back from "narrow definitions" to focus on the real keys—
Key #1—What is your "true intention"?
Key#2—What is the "honest impact" on the individual and couple?
Key #3—Does the "edging" behavior move you closer or farther away from what is truly "authentic" for you as an individual and in your most important relationships?
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
Healing for Betrayed Partners with a Sexually Abusive Past (PART 2)
19 Aug 2025
00:40:05
This is PBSE Episode 295—When betrayal trauma collides with a history of childhood sexual abuse, partners often feel doubly overwhelmed, carrying both the scars of the past and the pain of the present. Silence, a survival strategy from childhood, often resurfaces in marriage, leaving betrayed partners afraid to voice their needs for fear of conflict or abandonment. But silence only deepens the trauma. Healing begins when partners reclaim their voices, practicing authentic expression of their feelings and needs without falling into nagging or control. Pressure, when it comes from truth and transparency, is not harmful—it can be the very catalyst that sparks real change in the addicted spouse.
For betrayed partners, it is equally vital to build strong outside support systems—through therapy, 12-step groups, trusted friends, or recovery programs—that provide safety and perspective when their spouse cannot. This network enables them to “dial back” intimacy in unsafe moments, protecting themselves while remaining authentic and ready to re-engage when conditions improve. Boundaries and outside support affirm their worth and help them separate their healing from their partner’s recovery.
Addicts, for their part, must wake up and embrace full accountability. Complacency, secrecy, or half-hearted efforts only reinforce old wounds and destroy trust. Healing requires daily transparency, empathy, and proactive recovery work, not only to restore safety for the partner but also to live in integrity and peace. Though the journey is complex and painful, when both partners commit to these principles, the relationship can move beyond mere survival toward deeper connection, authenticity, and lasting healing.
My Partner’s Definition of “What is Porn” is Different from Mine—We are at an Impasse—Now What?!
25 Jul 2023
00:35:11
In episode 186, Mark & Steve address a very difficult and sensitive topic sent in to PBSE by the partner of an addict in recovery—
"My husband and I have been in healthy recovery for an extended amount of time. He thinks someone can be objectified whether they have clothing or not, so if he wants to watch a movie where he knows there is a scene with nudity—that has nothing to do with the topic of a movie—as long as HE knows his intent and purpose for watching the movie, it doesn’t break his boundaries of 'relapse/acting out' and isn't even porn to him. I’m dying! He can see how the scenes would upset me, but he won’t call them what they are–PORNOGRAPHY. Is he just in denial? When we have a conversation and I tell him the honest truth, that I want him to choose me/my feelings over the movie, he states he feels like if he has to comply and that diminishes his sense of self and his individuality."
Exploration for the Addict in Recovery:
- What is Authenticity? Who I am deep down—the values/attributes that I both possess, and am trying to cultivate and the person I am endeavoring to become?
- This all involves a clear understanding of not just what I value and prioritize, but also how do I take and hold my priorities in a balance? In other words, how do these priorities stack up against one another? Which are “more authentic” and more important than others?
- What are my "hills to die on"? What is authentic, not only for "me" but for "we" as a coupleship? What does "love" really mean to me? What does "giving up something for something better or more" really mean to me? What truly matters MOST to me?
Support For Partners Healing from Betrayal Trauma:
- It comes back to your own boundaries, both with your addict partner, but also with yourself.
- In what ways are your spouse’s choices impacting you, and HOW are you holding boundaries?
- Do you have clear consequences in place to keep yourself and/or the relationship safe?
- What does YOUR "optimal environment of healing" look like and HOW can you fight for that in healthy, authentic ways?
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
My Porn/Sex Addict Partner’s “Empathy Button” is Broken! What Can I Do?
18 Jul 2023
00:30:15
The title for Episode 185 may sound a bit strange—"My Porn/Sex Addict Partner’s 'Empathy Button' is Broken! What Can I Do?" Actually, the idea of a "broken empathy button" comes from a PBSE listener who sent us the following situation and plea for help—
"I am the betrayed partner of a sex addict and we are around 2 months into our journey at this point—very early days. So far I have to say my partner seems to be doing all the right things and listening to the podcast has somewhat reinforced that for me. I am struggling though to come to terms with the fact that [his] preferred “porn” was sexting and hooking up with past partners. He would have have [multiple] women that he would sext, fantasize over and orgasm too at any one time. There have also been physical infidelities with some of these women, however the majority has been sexual pictures and videos sent via text."
"We had our disclosure day 3 days ago and the totality of what had been going on behind my back floored me. I had been told parts, but not everything. I thought I was prepared but I was not. I could see that he felt bad for hurting me but I’m struggling with his lack of empathy towards what he’s done and the effect this has had on me. He has even said himself that his “empathy button” doesn’t seem to exist in the sexual space. He says he loves me and I can see him doing the work in these early days but I know we have a long way to go. Can you please shed some light on why he has no empathy and how we can work on fixing that empathy button. I am really struggling to understand how he is able to switch it off and not think of me and how it will hurt me when he’s acting out."
In this episode, Mark and Steve give some real, life-in-the-trenches guidance on what to do when empathy is not present in a relationship—How can the addict-in-recovery develop an ever-deeper empathy? How can the partner seeking to heal from betrayal trauma set and hold healthy boundaries and have her needs met? How can the coupleship seek the path of "collaborative empathy"?
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
How can we Connect When My Partner Acts Out and Then Goes to Shame—Silent, Stoic and Self-Absorbed?!
11 Jul 2023
00:30:47
In Episode 184, Mark and Steve respond to a PBSE listener's situation and question. This is a VERY common situation that MANY partners describe who are struggling under the heavy burden of Betrayal Trauma—
"My husband acts out & then completely turns inward about how awful of a person he is & in turn I feel like he pushes me away. How do I as a partner in betrayal react to this? His silence & ignoring me makes me so angry. I know that the opposite of addiction is connection & my husband has said this to me as well. How are we supposed to connect when he is so self-absorbed in his own shame?"
- Why is this situation SO common? It has to do with "legitimate needs" that an addict seeks to fill and also seeks to deal with shame, BUT in "unhealthy, inauthentic, destructive" ways. Nearly always, the addict learned to do this by what was "mentored" or "mirrored" to him through family, peers, the culture, religion, etc.
- WHY can addicts often enter into the "Victim Role" where they go stoic, silent, detach, disconnect, escape, pull away, etc? What are they hoping to gain? What needs are they hoping to fill? How is this a strategy to "cope with shame"?
- How can an addict in recovery break free from these old dysfunctional, disconnecting strategies?
- How can the betrayed partner shift to authenticity, transparency and vulnerability while also setting and holding healthy boundaries?
- How can a couple shift to a place of "healthy connection" in this crazy hard situation?
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
“Clearing Away the Wreckage of Your Past"—Recovery Lessons from Steve’s Metal Detecting Trip
04 Jul 2023
00:30:39
Almost 30 years ago, when PBSE co-founder Steve Moore was 13-years-old, his father was killed in a plane crash. This traumatic event played a big role in Steve developing an addiction to pornography as a young teen. A few weeks ago, Steve traveled to his father's plane crash site to "uncover the wreckage of his past." In this special episode, Steve relates his experience directly to how crucial "uncovering and clearing away the wreckage of your past" is to recovery and healing—
- “Scanning the Surface” sometimes brings insights about what is below the surface, and vice-versa.
- Meditation, or “quiet time” in recovery is easy to under-estimate and/or neglect.
- Exploring the “Physical Avatars”, or examples of trauma/one’s past can be a powerful experience, but should be done cautiously.
- Whatever methods you choose to explore your past, be on the look-out for opportunities for "post-traumatic growth."
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
I Want My Addict Partner to SUFFER; to Feel TERRIBLE like I do! Is that Normal? How Can I Stop this Feeling?!
27 Jun 2023
00:30:28
In Episode 182, Mark and Steve respond to a very authentic, vulnerable and VERY direct question from a PBSE listener—
"Can you address this question on your podcast? I want my partner to suffer the same hurt as he inflicted on me. I actually want him to feel terrible. Why do I feel this way. How can I stop feeling this way? "
- What does "Betrayal Trauma" look like and feel like when you are the partner of a sex/porn addict?
- Why does Betrayal Trauma feel "crazy;" create "emotional variability;" and even what might seem like a "split personality"?!
- What is "under" all the INTENSE emotions surrounding Betrayal Trauma? How can you move from a "symptoms focus" to addressing the "deep core issues"?
- Is "stopping" the intense feelings of Betrayal Trauma really the best answer? How can you "move through" these feelings to learn, become more authentic, create and hold boundaries, establish your own support system and sources of health and wellbeing and "become your own person"?
- If you are an sex/porn addict in recovery or thinking of getting to that place, what valuable insights and lessons can YOU learn from your partner's Betrayal Trauma?
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
Evolve from Treating the “Symptoms of Addiction” to a Real & Lasting “Change of Heart & Mind."
20 Jun 2023
00:28:09
In episode 180, Mark and Steve address an insightful inquiry from a porn/sex addict seeking a real and lasting change of heart and mind in his recovery. Here's how he describes his situation—
"Hello! I am a recovering porn addict, and I have been listening to your podcast for the past six months or so. I have had a CSAT for the past nine months and started going to 12-step meetings around the same time. The recovery process has been hard, but I have begun to finally uncover some of the needs that I have been trying to meet or ignore by using porn. It has been in some ways exciting to have a better understanding of my insecurities which I have unknowingly been trying to shore up with porn. But now that I have started to pull back the curtain, I’m not sure of the best way to move forward. How can I practically retrain myself to address my insecurities in a healthy way, now that those insecurities have been at least partly revealed? Just the knowledge of how my coping mechanisms are unhealthy and an idea of what a healthy response would be doesn’t actually change my heart or my brain. I can tell myself truths repeatedly and I can set up daily reminders of what would be healthy, but that does not seem to offer much in the way of real heart change. I know this question is very broad and answers may be insecurity/situation specific, but if there are any recommendations for how to really internalize healthy responses, I would appreciate it. "
- Why do porn/sex addiction “symptoms” seemingly get all the attention and focus?
- What is the difference between treating addiction “symptoms” and uncovering and healing the “core causes/issues” and why does this matter?
- How does all of this relate to “co-dependencies” and relying on the “external” to soothe the “internal”?
- Why can addicts in recovery become burned out, complacent, disillusioned and give in to the so-called “inevitability of addiction relapse”?
- How does an addict in recovery move from “sobriety” to a “real and lasting change” of mind and heart?
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
Should I Pay Off My New Spouse's "Porn Debt" So We Can Have a Solid Financial Start?
13 Jun 2023
00:33:02
We KNOW this episode title sounds crazy! But, many partners of porn/sex addicts face some hard decisions about where to "draw boundaries" as they try to navigate the relationship moving forward.
In this episode, Mark and Steve respond to a PBSE listener's genuine concerns and questions about discovering her new spouse has tens of thousands of dollars of credit card debt as a result of his years of online addiction. She accurately refers to this as "financial infidelity" on top of all the other aspects of infidelity. Does she offer to use her hard-earned savings to pay off that debt so they can "start their marriage" on a solid financial footing? Or does she set and hold healthy boundaries and accountability—and what does that even look like?!
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
Is There a “Statute of Limitations” on Feelings, Betrayal Trauma and Disclosure?
06 Jun 2023
00:28:29
In Episode 178, Mark and Steve address an all-too-common situation and question faced and asked by porn/sex addicts in recovery and their partners seeking to heal from betrayal trauma—"Should there be a limit on how long and how many times difficult feelings can be felt, expressed and processed; how long and how many times betrayal trauma can resurface, be confronted and shared; how long before Disclosure cannot be asked for, or additional Disclosures requested? Is there a "statue of limitations" on these things?
A PBSE listener—the partner of a porn/sex addict—asked Mark and Steve a lot of questions around these issues:
- Is there a limit on how long the partner of a porn/sex addict can express feelings, struggle with betrayal trauma or seek disclosure?
- Are all these issues things a couple needs to keep proactively talking about?
- Does everyone need to have a full disclosure? I'm not sure if I would even want that!
- When will I know as a partner that I am "OK?"
In this episode, Mark and Steve take on these and many more related questions.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
How do I Stop Comparing Myself to Porn and His Sexual Fantasies?
30 May 2023
00:28:22
In Episode 177, Mark and Steve address a very heart-felt question sent in by a PBSE listener—
"My partner recently came clean to me about porn addiction and online disloyalty, as well as checking out my friends. He insists that these other women's appearances have very little to do with his sexual attention towards them, and he wasn't even really attracted to them. He says it was all about the pornographic dynamic he projected onto them. Do you have any episodes that could help me stop comparing myself to them ? I can't help but feel insecure and self hating, and I always struggled with an eating disorder and it's gotten so much worse."
What this dear partner expresses is all-too-common in a heavily sexualized and body-image-centered culture and is only highly magnified when porn and sexual addiction are "heaped on top of it all."
Mark and Steve get raw and real about HOW to break free from the psychological devastation of "body/sexual comparison." They have some really crucial insights for porn/sex addicts who are trying to break out of creating an "environment of comparison." And they have some compassionate and practical solutions to help the partners of addicts live an authentic, confident, boundaried way of life.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
If “Sex is Optional,” How can a Couple Possibly Stay Connected?!
23 May 2023
00:25:00
In this episode Mark and Steve address a super common question—if "sex is optional" in a relationship, then how can a couple possibly stay connected?! This question actually came in recently from a PBSE listener. Here's how she asked it—
"Hi, I’ve been binge listening to your podcast for a few days now to try to understand my partner’s addiction. I have been able to take away a ton of great stuff, but I have a question. You often say that sex is optional. I think I understand the sentiment, but is it truly reasonable that a couple can sustain a relationship without physical connection for the rest of their lives?"
- Yes, it IS possible for sex to be optional in a relationship!
- Sex is "part" of physical connection, NOT the "be all, end all."
- A couple can be "sexual" while not achieving "intimacy."
- In the "True Art of Intimacy," there are 8 areas of intimacy, only one of which is "sexual."
- We can build a relationship based on sex and hope that the rest of our intimacy follows—OR—we can first build an emotionally-intimate/vulnerable relationship and allow the physical side of the relationship to "reflect" and naturally flow from the emotional intimacy foundation.
- What does "sex" and other forms of physical intimacy "mean" and represent for you in your relationship? If sex were to be removed from the relationship would your overall connection and intimacy still be fulfilling; would it be enough? Why or why not?
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
The Impact of a Sexually Abusive Childhood on a Betrayed Partner (PART 1)
15 Aug 2025
00:36:02
In Episode 293, Mark ands Steve address how childhood sexual abuse is a form of complex trauma that imprints deeply on a survivor’s understanding of love, trust, and sexuality. It often distorts sexual norms, blurs boundaries between consent and compliance, and creates lasting confusion around intimacy. Survivors may develop insecure attachment styles—avoidant, anxious, or disorganized—and struggle with either extreme sexual avoidance or sexualized attempts to gain connection and worth. These patterns are not merely psychological; they are wired into the brain’s emotional memory systems, shaping relationships for decades.
When betrayal trauma occurs in adulthood, the impact is often magnified for survivors of early abuse. The discovery of infidelity or sexual betrayal can reawaken old wounds, undermining not just trust in the current relationship but in people in general. Past reconciliations with abusers or protectors may unravel, and hypervigilance can take over—making the world feel unsafe at every turn. This compounded trauma is not simply about the betrayal itself; it’s about the way the betrayal mirrors and magnifies the earliest, most damaging experiences in the survivor’s life.
Understanding these intersections is critical for both survivors and their partners—especially those in addiction recovery. Naming these patterns removes the mystery behind overwhelming emotional reactions, replacing self-blame or confusion with clarity. For the unfaithful partner, it deepens awareness of the harm caused and the seriousness of the recovery work ahead. For the survivor, it creates a foundation for informed healing—making it possible to separate past from present and begin rebuilding trust and safety in a deliberate, compassionate way.
How Can We Avoid the Traps and Pitfalls of Addiction Recovery and Betrayal Trauma Healing?
16 May 2023
00:25:08
Episode 175 finds Steve and his wife on vacation on the island of Hilo in Hawaii. Hilo is the site of an actual "active" volcano. While there, they observe that there are limited "solid footpaths" around the volcano and a LOT of areas of "thin crust" where the lava is flowing one or two inches below the surface! The surface "looks" solid, but step on it and BAM! you plunge through the crust and into the molten fire!
In this episode, Mark & Steve take the Hilo location and terrain and create an analogy:
—How do we "walk out onto the thin crust" in addiction recovery, betrayal trauma healing and our relationship?
—How do we ignore or refuse to see the "lava-core-issues" under the "thin-crust-symptoms" of addiction and betrayal?
—What do "solid ground" and "experienced guides" look like in healthy recovery and healing?
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
What Keeps us Stuck in Addiction and What Does “Real” Recovery Look Like?
09 May 2023
00:28:53
The partners of sex/porn addicts can find it difficult or near impossible to discern whether or not their partner is still "stuck in addiction" or in actual "real recovery." Here's how a PBSE listener describes this frustrating, painful experience—
1 year ago, iIfound my husband of almost 25 years has been addicted to porn our whole marriage and he had racked up tens of thousands in debt that included monthly subscriptions for Viagra, for cam girls and gambling. He has struggled with ED for the last 10 years and always gaslit me into thinking it was“I made him nervous” about performing. I begged him to tell me what was going on, but he denied all. I have known about his porn use but did not know anything about PIED [porn-induced erectile dysfunction] and had no idea he was depending on Viagra to be able to have sex with me. For a while after D-Day [disclosure day] he was able to perform without Viagra, but the last 6 months , we are back to ED. He denies using porn. But besides listening to your podcast, he has done nothing for true recovery. No program, no groups, no CSAT , no disclosure, etc. He says has not slipped once with porn or masturbation but i find it hard to believe this “white knuckling” approach is that successful. He just admitted this year to being molested by a neighbor boy at a young age, but refuses to talk to anyone other than me. His parents knew about it but never discussed it. I believe this is why he struggles with being emotionally unavailable and has used porn to numb his pain. He has gotten emotional once with me, but mostly is closed off to emotion. I know he needs to be the one to decide to truly lean into recovery. But since you are the ONLY people he listens to, can you do a podcast on what true recovery is - that it’s not just avoiding porn. I don’t want to leave him - but I’m pretty sure I’m standing in the middle of a volcano that will eventually explode again without help. Thank you for being the one guidance we have.
In this episode, Mark and Steve talk raw and real about what keeps us stuck in addiction and what REAL recovery actually looks like.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
What Happens When we “Weaponize” What Could be “Healthy Boundaries”?
02 May 2023
00:27:37
Healthy Boundaries are CRITICAL to our individual happiness and authenticity—AND—to our connection as a couple. But when we're not experienced with setting and holding healthy boundaries and/or we've spent our lives "going along to get along," it can be all-too-easy to "weaponize" what could otherwise be healthy boundaries—sabotaging our own authenticity and and connection in our couple-ship.
This episode is in response to a situation sent in by a PBSE listener—
My husband starting reading " No More Mr Nice Guy" which was referred to him by his 12-Step sponsor. Now he says his"boundary" is going to Jiu Jitsu 2 times a week which is during bedtime with the kids. I said I am ok with one, but not two, especially on Mondays which are really challenging. He responds that his needs are important and he can no longer back down because then he is compromising his self care time. [He goes on to state] that his needs are also to receive love and me pursuing him romantically. (Even though he continues to act out [in his addiction] every 2 months or so for the past 3 years.) How do I respond? Aren't boundaries to help a relationship thrive? This does not feel that way.
In episode 173, Mark & Steve talk about boundaries—healthy vs. toxic—and HOW these boundaries can be "weaponized." They also discuss HOW to find a place of "collaboration" and "balance" between individuals in a coupleship.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
“Normal Human Attraction” vs. “Toxic/Betraying Lust”?
25 Apr 2023
00:29:00
In Episode 172, Mark and Steve tackle a topic that is extremely difficult, triggering and traumatizing for the partners of porn/sex addicts and even for the addicts themselves—the line between "attraction and lust." This episode is in response to a situation and questions submitted by a PBSE listener—
Hi Mark and Steve, The PBSE podcast really has been such a Godsend helping inform my husband and I of the possibility of hope and healing. We had our 4th D-day a few months ago, but in some ways it was the very first, as we finally have acknowledged the impact my husband's porn addiction has had on our marriage (4 years married) and the damage "ignoring it" has done. We are really starting to experience some great progress even after a few months of fighting for genuine connection. My question, however, is this: why do men often struggle with the concept of monogamy? My husband and I really struggle to see eye to eye, as he seems to believe that men are wired to notice and be drawn to the physical bodies of other women. He also believes that, then, monogamy is a choice to live the best way God intended and to choose to not act on those desires, and it will be a constant battle with temptation. He does not see a day in the future when he will not value and be curious about female specific body parts on others, even after recovered from porn addiction. Is this the porn addiction speaking? Or is there an element of truth to this? This is so outside of my own experience of sexuality as a woman, and I am really challenged to see a future with someone who will always prize female sexualized body parts—mine, but also the general public, and see that as normal. I have loved the episodes that have touched on public encounters/experiences and making a plan with your spouse for areas that could be challenging. However, I would love to hear this facet answered on the PBSE podcast if you'd be willing. Thank you so much.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
What can I do about “Random ED Symptoms” in Sexual Intimacy with my Partner?!
18 Apr 2023
00:24:32
Erectile Dysfunction (ED) is a VERY common challenge among those struggling with porn/sex addiction AND also common for addicts in recovery. The discussion in Episode 171 is in response to a question from a PBSE listener—
Hello, I’m an addict in recovery. I’m in good solid recovery I listen to multiple podcasts a day I go to therapy once a week, im working on an empathy workbook in my free time and trying really hard. I’ve been free from porn for 60 days. Since d day I had one slip up about 25 days in where I was watching YouTube videos I shouldn’t have. My wife found this out on her own. And this is after we had been really starting to get intimate and recover together. Since that day I haven’t acted out in any way. I’m really struggling with weird symptoms of random ED with my wife which makes her question my recovery but I don’t have an explanation for this. So when this happens I overreact and get mad and depressed so then it makes it seem even more likely I’m acting out, but I am not. I don’t know what to do in this situation. How am I in good recovery and this is happening? Why can’t I be vulnerable in those situations and try to work through it with my wife. Why is this happening?
- What are some of the potential causes of ED?
- How are physical health issues, mental health issues and emotional issues involved?
- How does an individual's "Arousal Template" play a factor in this?
- How can the addiction recovery process contribute to struggles with ED?
- How pairing "emotional connection" with "sexual connection" is part of answer.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
Why are Sexual Boundaries Critical for a truly "Connected Coupleship"?
11 Apr 2023
00:30:24
Once an addict starts into recovery and his partner begins her journey of healing betrayal trauma, a couple should immediately look at the difficult but essential work of SETTING BOUNDARIES. Why? Because the most connected relationships are BOUNDARIED RELATIONSHIPS!
The first priority is to set boundaries that create "safety" in the relationship. Without safety, what every couple desires—intimacy (into-me-you-see)—is not possible. Among the most important boundaries establishing safety are SEXUAL BOUNDARIES.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
As a Partner in Betrayal Trauma, I Feel Resentment Toward my Addict Partner. How do I Manage this?!
04 Apr 2023
00:21:33
In episode 169, Mark and Steve address a very raw and real scenario and question from the partner of a porn/sex addict. As a partner trying to heal from Betrayal Trauma, she feels a lot of resentment toward her addict partner who is in recovery and she wants to know HOW to process through these very legitimate feelings—
Hi! I would love to hear a discussion of the effect of resentment on the partner in recovery. My husband and I have been married for 19 years. D-Day was 15 months ago, and since then my husband has been sober and began to enter into recovery. He attends SA and I attend SAnon. We both have been working with therapists individually. I listened to your episode on resentments several times because so much of what you said resonated with me. I too experienced the hurricane of my husband's moods and lived on egg shells for years, never knowing the true reality of addiction he was in. In those years, the resentments were really difficult to live with and I think I numbed them out and focused on raising our kids. However, I find [that my] resentments that creep out as we navigate recovery hurt so much more as I am feeling them all deeply in my soul and whole being. Could you address resentments from a partner's perspective, the boundaries needed and any tips for navigating recovery when relationship setbacks seems so consequential and painful. Thank you so much- I am learning so much from your podcast.
- The bravery, resilience and love of partners suffering from Betrayal Trauma is AMAZING!
- Addicts are not the only ones who struggle with resentments!
- The legitimate, understandable reasons WHY the partners of addicts find resentments bubbling up inside their hearts and minds.
- HOW to face these resentments and process them/move forward in healthy ways—what is the role of the partner AND the role of the addict on this journey?
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
How a lifetime of “Communication Trauma” can prevent “Healthy Connection” in the Here and Now.
28 Mar 2023
00:20:13
We have all suffered from "communication trauma" in our life experiences! This can too easily get in the way and/or sabotage healthy communication and connection in our current relationships. Here's how a PBSE listener expressed the challenge she is having with her partner who is an addict in recovery—
Hi. I was wondering if you could do a podcast on communication. My partner is a recovering sex addict and he has a hard time with communication and working on fixing issues that come up because he basically freezes and doesn’t know what to say. With years of verbal abuse from an old employer, plus the life of addiction that he’s battled- he learned to not argue or say anything to avoid confrontation. This becomes a battle for me as I’m really trying hard to work on communicating with him and making it a priority for myself. This is something we are battling and I don’t want to lose out on what is an amazing relationship (even with the addiction) just because we can’t communicate effectively. Even simple things as asking for help with something he’s struggling with can be to much, and then he’s just angry because he’s struggling but won’t reach out to me and it causes conflict.
- What are the potential "causes" of Communication Trauma?
- What is the first step to shifting into healthy communication styles?
- Why finding "safe" people to share with is CRITICAL!
- How to begin daring to engage in the SCARY process of "Collaborative Confrontation/Conflict."
- What are some simple "healthy communication" tools and strategies?
- How to PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE!
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
The “Fallacy of Fairness”—Why I Cannot Stand Up For Myself with my Partner
21 Mar 2023
00:27:16
In this episode, Mark & Steve address a PBSE listener's question about WHY she has trouble standing her ground, having a voice, speaking her truth and holding boundaries with her porn/sex addict partner. She is suffering from a very common "thinking error" known as the "fallacy of fairness."
Too often, we base whether or not we ourselves or our partner has an "equal voice at the table" at where we or they are with regard to our "moral standing;" our "rightness in the relationship;" our past behaviors and other factors. We become trapped and stuck in the "fallacy of fairness" and the relationship is unable to move forward—whatever that may mean. In this episode, Mark & Steve will teach you HOW to recognize this thinking error and HOW to evolve out of it WITHOUT giving up or violating one another's boundaries.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
In this episode, Mark and Steve review what is an often mismanaged or overlooked “critical” part of porn/sex addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing—the “Formal Disclosure Process.”
- How NOT to do a disclosure: go-it-alone; “wing it;” engage in “staggered disclosures;” etc.
- How to PREPARE for a Disclosure–both the addict and the partner
- What the “day of disclosure” looks like
- Critical follow-up to the Disclosure—the “Impact Letter” and “Reconciliation/Amends Process”
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
I Keep Finding Myself Hurt In Relationships with Porn/Sex Addicts—How Do I Break the Cycle?
05 Aug 2025
00:37:55
This episode (#292) explores the repeated heartbreak many betrayed partners experience when they unknowingly enter relationships with porn or sex addicts, offering both empathy and practical strategies for breaking the cycle. It begins by affirming that betrayal is never the betrayed partner’s fault, highlighting how addicts often hide their behaviors through manipulation, secrecy, and even self-denial. The emotional devastation of discovering such betrayal—especially after believing a partner shared your values—is profound, and the first step toward healing is letting go of misplaced self-blame. Support systems such as therapy, 12-step programs, or recovery communities are presented as essential for replacing isolation with understanding, accountability, and informed caution.
From there, the discussion moves into proactive ways to protect oneself in future relationships. This includes pacing physical intimacy to avoid neurochemical “fog” that can cloud judgment, learning to spot early red flags such as boundary-pushing or defensiveness, and ensuring that emotional, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy are built before sexual involvement. The article stresses the importance of cultivating self-love and personal security before committing to a partner, which allows for the creation and communication of healthy, non-negotiable boundaries. These boundaries not only help filter out unsafe partners early but also foster transparency and respect in ongoing relationships.
Finally, the article underscores the value of doing personal work before pursuing another relationship, particularly exploring attachment patterns, vulnerability to codependency, and habitual overlooking of warning signs. Breaking the cycle doesn’t simply mean avoiding addicts—it means becoming someone who won’t settle for relationships that compromise their self-worth. The conclusion offers a hopeful vision: while no one can guarantee they’ll never be hurt again, self-awareness, intentional boundaries, and strong support networks can ensure that if betrayal does occur, it will be recognized sooner, addressed decisively, and healed from more quickly. At the heart of this approach is the belief that every person deserves a relationship where trust is cherished, respect is mutual, and love is genuine.
Having Trouble with “Couples Check-ins”? Give this a Shot.
07 Mar 2023
00:21:28
What is a "Couples Check-in" and WHY is it so ESSENTIAL to your relationship success?
What are the BARRIERS to the Couples Check-in?
How to use the "Core Couples Check-in" format to succeed when all else fails!
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
When it comes to boundaries and consequences in recovery and healing, what is “my side of the street vs. his"?
28 Feb 2023
00:25:05
In this episode, Mark and Steve address what can often be a confusing topic for couples—when it comes to recovery, healing, boundaries and consequences, what is my side of the street vs. his side of the street? How do I know when I've crossed the line? Here's a question sent in by a PBSE listener about this challenge—
Guys, do you have anything to share for those of us unsure of when we should be staying 'on our side of the street'? I'm hearing it but I can't make sense of where the line should be drawn. Do I step way back onto my side of the street and support his efforts even when they seem so base level and even when I sense he's drifting toward relapse? Do I congratulate him while part of me is crying out "so he bloody should"? My understanding is that I can make requests for what would make me feel safe. As in x amount of recovery work. But consequences for that wouldn't be fair on him and would be stepping onto his side of the street? As in if you don't do XYZ then I'll need to distance myself from the relationship or something along those lines. When he's not engaging much with his recovery work, I become very anxious and afraid, and start questioning whether he's up to no good or whether I should leave him. It just feels so necessary to me that he commits himself to recovery if he wants the relationship. Am I understanding right when people say stay on your side of the street then that would mean let him participate in as little recovery as he wants and I can't set consequences around that?
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com
Is all this “Recovery & Healing Crap” really Worth it? Hope for Couples.
21 Feb 2023
00:24:31
Recovery from Porn/Sex Addiction and healing from Betrayal Trauma are HUGE commitments, take a long time and are HARD work. It can be easy in the early to mid stages of that journey to wonder if success is really possible and if all this "crap" we're going through is really worth it!
In this episode, Mark and Steve share their personal experiences and the experiences of working with couples all over the world—there is GREAT HOPE and YES it absolutely is WORTH IT!
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com