Explorez tous les épisodes du podcast Parenting Teenagers Untangled: The award-winning podcast for parents of tweens and teens, offering realistic, science-backed
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Grades. Our obsession with them fails everyone. An interview with Exam Nation author Sammy Wright.104
What is school for, and are exam grades a good measure of a human? Does someone's grades tell us what we should know, or are we being misled? Do grades help children grow and engage with learning, or do they simply destroy interest and entrench social divisions? These are the sort of questions that perplex many of us who are parenting teenagers.
It’s coming to the end of summer in the UK which means there’s been a wave of exam results and the beautifully timed release of a terrific book called Exam Nation; why our obsession with grades fails everyone.
Written by Sammy Wright, Headteacher of a secondary school in the North of England and part of the UK government’s Social Mobility Commission for several years it was chosen by the BBC as book of the week, and applauded by reviewers across the serious newspapers in the UK, and I even found it laugh out loud funny at times.
In this interview we talk about what school is for, the difficult transition from junior to secondary education, the need for tests and the way in which we view grades. Sammy offers up thought about other ways of looking at schooling which he thinks has become too transactional and would serve us better if it were more focused on the whole person.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
Whether your teen is currently learning to drive, or those days are in the future, it helps to prepare ahead.
Both Rachel and Susie have teens learning, so it's a great time for Rachel to go through all of the tips and data to help us all think ahead about what is involved and how to make their life behind the wheel as safe and smooth as possible.
The free RISK ANTICIPATION driving course: https://www.teendrive365inschool.com/safe-driving-resources/teens
NEW DRIVER AGREEMENT CATEGORIES:
What are you responsible for in terms of cost?
Enforcing zero tolerance for driving under the influence. Discuss situations.
Use of a mobile phone. Switch off notifications.
Remind them of the consequences if they break the law.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
The amount of holiday teens get varies enormously around the world. For some, it's a much needed break from routine, for others it's a real chance to flip the script of their life and focus their attention on things that aren't part of the rigid educational agenda.
In this episode we talk about ways in which we can help our teens use their summer to grow in ways that genuinely interest them. Lots of skills get little time for development whilst they're at school, so it's a great chance for them to explore their passions in an unstructured environment, or get some experience in the workplace.
There's no right way to do summer, but hopefully some of these suggestions can give you ideas for things you can do; including simply working on your connection if you think that things haven't been going too well.
The blog detailing my method for change: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/blog/Be-the-person-you-want-to-be-not-the-person-others-think-you-should-be/
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
A healthy body image: Feeling happy and satisfied with your body and what it can do.
An unhealthy body image: Highly self-critical, comparing their body to others and obsessing about some aspect of it.
Beauty and body image are universal triggers for shame. Shame is a deeply painful sensation from the belief that we’re not good enough and will not be accepted by a group.
Influences:
Family environment,
Ability/disability
Attitudes of peers
Social media
Cultural background
Only 5% of American women have the body type that advertising depicts as ideal. People magazine poll found that 80% of women respondents felt insecure when they viewed images of women in TV and films. There’s an entire industry fueling our negative feelings regarding body image.
How to prevent body image issues as a parent:
Psychologists Jean Baker Miller and Irene Stiver 1997 study said that what gives us self-esteem (the opposite of shame) isn’t a terrific outfit or success, it’s forming and maintaining relationships which makes people feel sure of their value.
Talk to your teenager about images in social media. Help them to see how fake they are and how digital manipulation is rife, also how everyone doesn’t look like that.
Praise your teenager for what they can do, not what they look like.
Sharing the knowledge that shame is a normal experience helps the teenager feel that they aren’t alone.
Be kind to yourself. Expecting perfection from ourselves makes us expect it from others.
Be proud of things about yourself that aren’t about your appearance.
Avoid negative talk about your diet/crash diets.
As a parent, be proud of what your body can do.
What to look out for:
The teenager belongs to a group that insists on a certain body type.
Perfectionism.
Continually comparing their body to someone else.
Not wanting to leave the house, or try new things, because of the way they look.
Obsessing about weight, or a part of their body.
Spending a lot of time looking in the mirror for imperfections.
Linking food with feelings of guilt or shame.
Strange eating habits.
What to do
Talk with your child about what you’ve noticed. Don’t dismiss it.
There are some excellent self-help books.
Seek professional help early.
Resources:
https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/healthy-lifestyle/body-image/body-image-teens The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor I Thought it was just me by Brené Brown
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
We'd all love our children to breeze through school, enjoying a satisfying academic life, having lots of friends, and coming out at the end feeling a success. But what if you have a child that doesn't thrive in an academic environment? What if they can't or won't do the work? How do you deal with it and what techniques can you use to motivate them?
And our listener’s question comes from Emma: '‘My fourteen year old is very musical, but wants to stop playing the piano now she’s grade four. I’m so upset about it, because whenever she seems to be good at something she goes so far then just gives up and wants to hang out with her friends. What should I do?"
TED Talks: Sir Ken Robinson Do schools kill creativity? https://www.ted.com/talks/sir_ken_robinson_do_schools_kill_creativity?language=en
Books referenced: The Self-Driven Child by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey Thrivers by Michele Borba
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
Our teens are growing up in a world of TikTok, You Tube and Instagram, places full of barely dressed people talking freely about body positivity and sex. It’s hardly surprising that they might have a different view of what’s acceptable from that of their parents.
In the UK, sex is legal at age 16, but any sexual images of a person under 18 are deemed child pornography, even when the person sending them is the creator.
Research compiled in the UK for Cultureframed.org:
1 in 7 under 18’s sends sext messages; 1 in 4 receives them. 1 in 8 who received a message has sent it to others without the sender’s consent.
Internet Watch Foundation, confirmed 68k cases of self-generated imagery that needed to be removed in 2020 – up 77% on the previous year.
In 80% of these cases, the victims were 11 to 13-year-old girls. Fewer than 8% of young women send nude pics because they genuinely want to.
Book: When You Lose It, Roxy and Gay Longworth.
Why do they sext?
Seeking someone’s approval
Long distance/online relationships, where there is a desire to have a sexual relationship
Feeling confident in their looks and they want to share with other people
Peer pressure
Fun
As a result of harassment, threats or blackmail
What to do? Having regular talks about relationships, sex and consent. Use open questions, actively listen, and never be shocked.
What do they post about themselves?
What sites do they use and what draws them there?
What types of attention are they looking for online and from whom?
How do they decide what information to share?
Set clear guidelines and firewalls.
Boys? Adolescent boys are under enormous pressure to impress their peers.
Ask boys why they would feel entitled to ask for these photos, knowing the pitfalls.
Ask them what pressures they feel from their friends and porn culture.
Do they know that it’s illegal to disseminate or ask for nude images of under age people?
If something's happened:
Speak to the school and parents of the other teenager to the get the material removed.
The IWF can search for explicit images or videos of your child and remove them.
Tell your girls about the #gurlsoutloud support hashtag.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
Remember those years when your child followed you everywhere, and gazed at you with adoring eyes because you knew everything? Have they now turned into a teenager who simply grunts, or screams at you, when they occasionally emerge from their bedroom?
Changes in a teenage brain help them to develop abstract thinking and self-reflection but they also make them hyper-critical and keen to develop emotional distance so they can practice life without you around.
What to do: Daniel Siegel says we need to teach them to have reflective conversations:
Numerous brain studies show that when we do this (either with someone else or in our own heads) it stimulates the integration of the prefrontal cortex where planning and problem solving takes place, and allows us to tune into others ie empathy.
How to do it: JoAnn Deak - Girls will be girls.
Don’t assume or jump in straight away.
Don’t move straight to the fix-it mode.
Help them to explore what they’re saying.
Leave some grey areas.
Discuss strategies for action. Don't overreact. Once you’re in the strategy phase that’s when your knowledge can help inform the teenager’s decisions.
Don’t be afraid to provide your moral/philosophical bottom line. There are so many grey areas it can be a relief to know there are some black and white’s.
Techniques: Parent Gym based on how to talk so your kids will listen.
Super silence and active listening.
When to do it?
Try to develop regular non-crisis moments where conversations can happen. Saying goodnight, car journeys, meal-times, fixing their bike.
Listen to the news together to start a discussion. Get them to entertain you. What’s the gossip? What are you reading? What have you been watching? What’s your favourite music at the moment? Take a genuine interest in their answers.
Books, and materials, we've referenced:
Brainstorm by Daniel Siegel
How to talk so your Kids will listen; How to listen so your kids will talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Girls will be girls: Raising Confident and Courageous Daughters by JoAnn Deak
Parent Gym coaching materials
Tangling with your teenager Helen wrote 'My sixteen year old is dating and says he’s in love. What do I do if he brings her home and wants her to stay the night? Do I put them in the same room, or separate them?'
ISSUES:
Explore your own feelings about it, and why? Convey them to your child.
Talk to the other parents to find out how they feel about it. If they aren’t happy, talk to the son about what his alternatives are.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
Alcohol: How to discuss it, and staying connected. Should we be letting our teenagers drink and what should we be telling them about it? Also, how to stay connected.
You only have to scan the jokes on birthday cards in the shops to see how much drinking alcohol is ingrained in our culture as both fun and an escape from drudgery. So there's little wonder that teenagers can be eager to join the club. But when should we let them start, and how do we keep them safe?
And in tangling with our teenagers Alex asks "How do I stay connected with my teenager when they argue, and don’t seem to want me anymore?"
Join Susie and Rachel as we combine the advice of experts, and our own experience, to tackle these problems.
Interesting articles:
The effect of peer pressure on drinking in Denmark: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/16066350600691683
Books:
Alcohol Nation by Dr Aric Sigman
Love Bombing by Oliver James
How to talk so your kids will listen, how to listen so your kids will talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
Definition of Binge Drinking: The Royal College of Psychiatrists clearly defines binge drinking as drinking over 2.5 standard 175ml glasses of wine (6 units) for a fully-grown adult woman or 3.5 glasses for a man (8 units), in a short space of time.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
Just when you thought that you’d got the hang of parenting, your child changes again... and now they're a teenager.
In this episode, we have a rummage in your parenting toolbox to work out what’s in there, and how useful it actually is.
And in Tangling with your Teenager, we gather all of your suggestions to answer Natalie’s question. ‘How do I get my son to do what I say, and tidy his room?’
Answers range from taking the door off to pretending there are mice in the room.
Do you have any tips, or any great stories that will teach us what not to do?
We'd love to hear from you, including any questions you'd like answered?
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
It's incredibly frustrating to parent a teen who seems smart but is constantly late, can't set effective goals, can't keep going after their initial burst of enthusiasm, who's messy, doesn't start projects on time, or can't seem to control their impulses.
Are they being lazy or is it that they lack a key skill which is holding them back? The latest book I read makes it clear that problems with any of these tasks isn't necessarily lack of interest or laziness, but can be a lack of skill in an area called executive function.
In this episode I talk through the types of executive function deficits, and how we can spot them. What's exciting is that the book implies that with the right training our teens can learn how to overcome the sorts of things that drive us nuts and are holding them back from achieving their goals.
It's an exciting prospect, because it puts the emphasis on the need to learn skills rather than on personal failing, and gives us parents hope that by being supportive in slowly acquiring the skills our kids can lead lives free of the enormous frustrations that these deficits can cause.
BOOK: Smart but Scattered Teens, by Richard Guare PhD, Peg Dawson, EdD, and Colin Guare
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
Hermes was a Greek god able to move quickly and freely between the worlds of the mortal and the divine, helped by his winged sandals. We mere mortals, on the other hand, are stuck here on Earth, and more likely to associate the word, Hermes with expensive handbags.
When a listener wrote a beautiful email talking about her struggles with a young daughter who has been begging for one of these extremely expensive Hermes bags for her birthday I thought it would be a great topic for discussion.
The problems our listener faces trouble so many of usthe various issues in the hope of supporting the listener and helping others along the way; after all, we're a community here to help each other.
TOPICS COVERED:
Parenting styles
Desire for posessions as a way to feel included
The importance of values
Celebrating our own culture
The impact of society on our desires and choices
BOOK SUGGESTION: Hold on to Your Kids, by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
I scan the newspapers daily to keep an eye on what's going on that might be relevant to us parents. I usually share it on my Instagram and Facebook feeds, but it's also good to sit down with another, equally interested but unpolitical, parent, to simply chat about the state of the world that our kids are growing up in.
None of it is scientific, or based on deep fact, but sometimes it's nice to chew the cud and hear other parents talking freely about the issues that might affect our own parenting and kids.
I'd love to hear if there are any topics that particularly interest you, or if you agree/disagre with any of our views. Email Rachel @teenagersuntangled@gmail.com and you can sign up for my newsletter on the website at www.teenagersuntangled.com.
Quote: Viktor Frankl: 'When a person can't find a deep sense of pupose he distracts himself with pleasure.'
Sources: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-13454193/Mel-Stride-blames-pornography-video-games-alarming-surge-jobless-young-men.html#:~:text=Mel%20Stride%20said%20that%20easy,of%20economic%20inactivity%20across%20Britain. https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/china-president-xi-high-school-pupils-military-training-gkgwmj2q7 https://news.sky.com/story/which-countries-have-national-service-and-how-does-it-work-elsewhere-13143261 @Mrpink on Twitter https://eu.usatoday.com/story/life/health-wellness/2024/03/01/muscle-dysmorphia-bigorexia-are-severe-problems-thanks-to-tiktok/72792612007/
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
We all love our kids and hope for the best, but we also worry about how well they'll navigate life once they're old enough to leave home. It's a fine balance between supporting them enough for them to feel loved, and letting them fail so that they learn the skills they need.
With the reported increase in kids who 'fail to launch' I thought it might be really helpful to talk with someone who spends his days helping young adults who're struggling.
We talked about the vital importance of routine, helping them to feel positive about themselves - especially in the face of failure - what we can do to help them find their own purpose in life, and giving our kids healthy role models on which to build their own life.
KEN'S TIPS:
Start with the sleep/wake routine, helping them to create their own schedule.
Once they have a solid routine in place, introduce three extra things:
Something creative
Something reflective
Something physical
Types of anxiety: Body-based Mind-based Totems: something that represents a challenge Time-based Distance: Having to leave a safe space
Depression: All the parts of the daily routine will help make a difference to their depression.
If you would like to ask Ken any questions, or learn more about mentoring: Www.kenrabow.com
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
Missing out can cause visceral pain; particularly for teenagers, but why is it so awful and can anything be done to help them with it?
This episode was inspired by a parent whose daughter is at an expensive private school, but the family are finally having to accept that they can't afford it and will have to withdraw her. We love our, kids and want the best for them, but why choose something that's a massive stretch for us? What is 'the best' and where do we get our ideas from?
I would argue that FOMO is at the root of the decision to put her there, and even the daughter's request a Hermes handbag, rather than a present more suitable for a young girl.
In this episode we talk about where our desires come from and why our social environment can have such an impact. We discuss why figuring out, and staying anchored to, our own values whilst getting our kids to find something that really matters to them, is at the heart of protecting us from the pain of FOMO.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
Is it a constant battle to get your teens to do the right thing? Getting them to bed on time, eating healthily, keeping their screen time to an acceptable level are all problems that come up regularly. So when a listener asked for a script to use to get her teens into bed I decided that it was worth delving into what other parents are doing right and how we can adapt their behaviour to our own households.
The research has made me rethink my own life structure and the importance of routine in decluttering my life.
KEY REFERENCES: Atomic Habits - James Clear Podcast with Angela Duckworth - No Stupid Questions - 186 Do You Need a Routine? App I've started using: Streaks
SOME LISTENER RESPONSES: Melissa: I don't think I said much. Other than you sleep better if you don't do tech just before bed. I think intially the cut off was an hour before bedtime. Which gave flexibility to give them a ten minute warning etc. Son mostly now stops tech before without prompting.
Grant: As part of screen time, there is an option to set down time on each of their devices. It works well for us.
Natalie: No phones, laptops or TVs in their rooms after 9.30pm but equally we, as parents, have to do the same. Read before bed, everyone asleep by 10.30pm latest on a school night. Not had to resort to plan B yet (WiFi turned off) as they do it. Lead by example. Also no phones or TV at dinner and we all eat together every night. I'm a big believer in systems and routines. Less arguments as no suprises.
Ashleigh We try and stick to 8pm cut off. And it helps when they have sports training they need to sleep for
Holly We have a 9pm cutoff. Phone gets plugged in in the hallway outside the room
Sarah I have a cut off too. I started this when they were younger and then each year gradually increased the cut off, but they had to prove to me that they could come off their devices at the allotted time and get up for school the next day without any arguments. If they didn’t come off at the agreed time or were difficult the next morning, the agreement was that they would lose some screen time the next night by coming off earlier.
I work on a “prove you can be trusted” basis with both my teens for almost everything. I rarely have trouble with them as they can see the benefits of trust e.g. they get to do more! it’s worked wonders for my 17 year old who is having the time
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
Nearly one in five teachers in England has been hit by a pupil this year, according to a BBC survey.
But it's not just in England. Stricter school discipline is making a comeback to Australian classrooms in a bid to help teachers stamp out disruptive behaviour. France is bringing back school uniforms to tackle the issue, and in America, more than 70% of 1,000 educators said in a recent national survey that students are misbehaving more now than they did before the pandemic in 2019.
Meanwhile, teachers are leaving the profession faster than they're joining in the UK, and school avoidance rates are at an all-time high. It's a complex issue that Simon Currigan talks about a lot on his podcast, School Behaviour Secrets.
In this conversation he gives us his version of what's happening, gives us a top tip on how to deal with a teen when they've lost control, the importance of asking why... at least five times, and gives us a framework for understanding school avoidance.
NOTES TO SUPPORT THE PODCAST: SEND - Special Educational Needs and Disability SEMH - Social Emotional Mental Health needs; part of SEND
EMOTION COACHING:
Empathise with their position - connection before correction.
Boundaries based on values.
Problem-solving - get them to engage in coming up with solutions.
The Toyota Five
RAIDED framework for understanding school avoidance:
Relationship problem
Anxiety
Identity - what do people like me do in a situation like this?
Direction - where they are focusing so it can be a desire to be out of school because of what's happening at home.
Environment - is the school too overstimulating or do they have sensory needs?
Dislocation - do they feel unwelcome in the school community, as if they don't belong.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
My aunt and uncle provide a huge amount of free childcare so that their son and daughter-in-law can work, but many say that's not been their experience. The Boomers have become notorious as a generation who are known to have reaped the rewards of the post-war boom but who appear to be more interested in travelling and enjoying themselves than supporting the next generation in their child-rearing struggles.
Having a living parent who's 65 or older whilst raising a child under 18 is Pew Research's definition of someone in the Sandwich Generation. Being a Sandwich Generation parent in an ailing economy, means being pulled in many directions at the same time.
Pew says 'not only do many provide care and financial support to their parents and their children, but nearly four-in-ten (38%) say both their grown children and their parents rely on them for emotional support.'
In this episode we talk about the trials of the Sandwich Generation, and it's rather more nuanced than the headlines make it sound. We discuss how important it is for us all to build community, to have open discussions about our needs and expectations, and to live in the season of our life.
GENERATION: PEW RESEARCH DEFINITION
Gen Z – 1997 – 2012
Millennials were born between 1981 and 1996
Gen X were born between 1965 and 1980
Boomers can be broken into two segments (Beresford research) – the first is 1946 and 1954 and the second is 1955-1964
And the Silent Generation who were born between 1928 and 1945
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
Nobody likes making mistakes, but some of us find it much harder than others. Whilst most of us look on with admiration at the kid who's prepared to keep working until they do things perfectly, underlying that drive can be a painful belief that they're never going to be good enough. The knock-on effect can be a lifetime of anguish and all sorts of issues with starting and finishing projects.
So when our listener asked us to talk about how to help her daughter who's showing signs of being a perfectionist, we bumped it up our schedule.
In essence, we parents need to strive to avoid black and white thinking and find the middle path; a growth mindset that welcomes mistakes as an opportunity to learn, and the resilience to use those mistakes to try again.
Some signs:
Frequent catastrophic reactions
Refusal to try new things
Being very self-critical and self-conscious
BOOKS:
The Perfectionism Workbook for Teens by Anne Marie Dobosz
Perfectionism: What's Bad about Being Too Good? by Miriam Adderholdt-Elliott, Miriam Elliott, & Jan Goldberg (Monarch Books)
When Perfect Isn't Good Enough: Strategies for Coping with Perfectionism by Martin M. Antony & Richard P. Swinson (New Harbinger Publications)
When Good Enough Isn't Good Enough: The Real Deal on Perfectionism by Thomas S., Ph.D. Greenspon (Free Spirit Publishing)
A lot of the research for this episode was drawn from an article by Amy Morin, the speaker who made 'The secret to becoming mentally strong. '
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
It doesn't matter how much we know, and how much we work at it, we'll all struggle to parent well at times; it's just part of being human.
To mark the 100th episode of the podcast I decided to give you a top ten of the best lessons I've learned, and continue to mess up.
In case you can't be bothered to listen, you're bored by me waffling, or you just want the list, here goes:
Connection over correction.
It's not personal, and it's not about you.
Kick the bullies out of your head.
It's not your job to tell your kids what to do, it's your job to help them find out who they are.
Routine is going to save everyone from nagging hell.
Assume your kids are trying their best and catch them being good.
Have clear boundaries, consequences and expectations, but be prepared to negotiate.
Community is way more important and helpful than we were told.
Be honest about your own failings.
Make time to enjoy the ride.
This list isn't definitive, it's just the stuff that's has felt most meaningful to me. Hopefully some of it will land with you, but if you have any other keys to heaven you can add then email teenagersuntangled@gmail.com and help us all out; we need all the support we can get.
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My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
What we give our kids to spend, and when, is a perennial problem for all parents. Money is a really tricky topic in any relationship; behind it lurks power, responsibility, and freedom.
When our kids hit their tween and teen years their needs and desires begin to rise rapidly, so how we enable them to get those things will have a lot to do with how we feel about handing them money, and what we say to them about it.
Early on, I decided that I would use money during the teens years to begin the handover of responsibility in an attempt to teach my teens the value of budgeting and managing their own finances.
This episode is an opportunity to hear how my system works and - two years on from when I first talked about it - to hear one of my teenagers discuss what the system has done for her and her sister.
It's not perfect, nothing ever is, but hopefully listening to someone else's experience can help us all think through the best way to set up our own system that works for us.
Let us know what you think teenagersuntangled@gmail.com
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My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
Many teenagers say their relationship with their parents is very stressful and they yearn to be able to get along better. They often feel that their parents are on their case all of the time and that they never talk about anything interesting or light-hearted.
Conflict is an inescapable part of parenting, but it doesn't need to be the only part. As parents, we can make such a difference by setting a more light-hearted tone. It's one of the best ways to build the bond in our relationship, which then makes it easier to deal with the more difficult parts of life.
Rachel asked listeners to share the ways in which they enjoy spending time with their teens and in today's episode we also share our own experiences of keeping it light and happy.
Hopefully, it will give us all faith that parenting teens can be enjoyable, and some ideas of ways in which we can keep our bond strong.
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My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
Grit is the ability to keep going toward a goal, even in spite of significant obstacles and distractions. It's a very apt name for the charity created by Dr Louise Randall, who was seeing many kids coming into her doctor's surgery needing help with difficult problems - such as self harm, eating disorders, and other mental health issues - and very little help available.
In this interview we talk about how she uses boxing to teach resilience to help teens connect with their place in life and their own bodies, in a meaningful and healing way .
One thing I love about this interview is that Louise gave us parents some of her top tips. Although she was reluctant, I pointed out that this podcast is all about helping parents to realise that we don't need to be experts to be good parents. We can all offer tips and support to each other because we all gets things wrong but we also learn things that might help others. Removing the judgement is critical to allowing us all to grow and do better.
A great acronym to remind us not to talk with our teens about something that's been bothering us if we are: HALT
Hungry
Angry
Late
Tired
The beautiful letter recommended by Louise: https://gretchenschmelzer.com/parents-corner/2015/6/23/the-letter-your-teenager-cant-write-you?format=amp
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My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
Does a goldfish have a longer attention span than us humans - as a Microsoft study found - or do we believe the latest study on concentration which says adults have actually increased in their ability to pay attention since the 1990's?
The latest study made us wonder about what's really going on, because we all know that gamers have phenomenal powers of concentration, but the rest of us feel we're struggling with attention.
Perhaps our real problem is a lack of focus caused by too many choices for what we could be doing.
In this episode, we talk about the two studies, other studies relating to the problems associated with too much choice, the impact of sleep-deprivation, and positive ways in which we can help ourselves to get things done in our daily lives.
TED talk: The gratification monkey - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arj7oStGLkU
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My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
The hashtag #eldestdaughtersyndrome is reported to have had a whopping 24.7 million views on TikTok, and counting, but what is it and why is it getting so much attention?
We look at the issues faced by the eldest sibling in the family, then talk more specifically about why daughters can feel resentful of the role that's foisted on them. It's easily done by us parents, particularly if we live in a patriarchal society.
The expectation that they will do more of the emotional and domestic heavy-lifting in the family than the other siblings can teach them great life-skills, even make them successful in the workplace, but it can also make them resentful at missing out on the benefits of childhood.
In this episode we talk about how we spot it and what can we do to rebalance what might be happening in our family.
THE EXCELLENT BOOK I MENTIONED:
The Thorn Birds by Colleen McCullough
USEFUL ARTICLES FROM HOME GIRLS UNITE ON INSTAGRAM:
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Sometimes it's good to talk about our own challenges. The occasional chat in which we discuss the sorts of things we've been facing can help to dispel any myths that other people have got things sorted, and can also give you ideas of how to reframe your own battles.
In this episode we cover how important it is to keep reminding ourselves to not take things personally. We talk about a teen who has battled through numerous issues and come out looking like a swan. The key message is that we want our teens realise that it takes time to get there. She didn't pop out fully-formed, but the battles she's faced have made her far more powerful - and dare I say happier.
We talk about how uncomfortable it can feel for us parents when our teen starts falling in love. We've covered the gritty 'teens having sex in our home', but this is more about the feelings we can experience as our child becomes romantically entangled.
The final reflection covers how difficult and challenging it can feel to be presented with new facts which require us to change our mind about something we believe to be true.
Let us know what you think; we always love feedback and any suggestions for new episodes.
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My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
Many teens roll their eyes if they hear people talking about manners. The concept sounds old fashioned - like something that should be relegated to the Victorian past - but often what they're thinking about is etiquette rather than manners.
I went into the differences, and nuances, of manners in part two of this previous episode: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-23-coping-with-an-empty-nest-and-manners-what-they-are-and-why-do-they-matter/
For this episode I've been joined by Brooke Romney, the author of 52 Modern Manners for Teens, about the vital role manners have in setting up our teens for success.
I mentioned a few previous episodes in the podcast. What do you think about manners? Do you have any particular ones that really matter to you.
Supporting your teen with meeting people and making friends: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-26-friendships-how-to-support-your-teens-social-skills-in-making-and-keeping-friends/
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My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
We've all got a past, but telling our kids about what happened in it is a tricky subject. Whether it's all about the fun - sex and drugs and rock and roll - or things that caused deep trauma, there's a good chance that our teens will start asking questions at any point.
Sometimes they're genuinely curious they want to connect, and get to know what makes the human that's one of the most important people in their life. Other questions are just an attempt at getting a free pass to do things that they might otherwise be held back from.
Opening up, and being honest with them, can help them in the process of growing up. It will help them to understand why you operate the way you do, and create a deeper connection with you. If we are too open with our kids we risk flipping the table and turning them into our own therapists or parents.
In this episode we delve into the issues involved, and talk about how we parents can tread that difficult line with our kids.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
One of the trickiest questions for parents is how to set expectations that help our kids thrive and grow without crushing them or making them feel low self-esteem or shame.
If we don't set expectations we run the risk of making our kids feel like nothing they do really matters, so they can feel overlooked and apathetic about life, but we've all heard about parents who damage their kids through unreasonable demands. Our expectations are born out of our own ideas of what matters, so how do we know that we're not pushing toxic ideas on to our kids?
In this episode we talk about how today's society has come expect very little of our teens, whilst seemingly piling on pressure and expecting too much. We talk about how critical the growth mind set is, the stages we go through in learning a skill, and how we parents can support out teens to grow a wide range of important skills without damaging their self-esteem in the process.
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My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
They're everywhere. Tabloid news feeds and social media are awash with photos of girls and women in bikinis, and why not? Women's bodies are beautiful and through antiquity the female form has been admired.
Yet many parents are deeply uncomfortable with the type of photos being posted, the age of the girls when they do it, and what it all means about them.
When Sharon asked us to talk about what's going on, and how she can help her daughter think more about her own values, and what she is posting, we knew it was a great topic for us.
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My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
In the West, we tend to see success for late teens as passing exams, getting into further education or getting a job, and moving on with life. So when we received an email from a mother, concerned for the welfare of her two step-sons who've performed poorly in their final high school exams, and who don't seem to be interested in finding work, we thought it would be a really interesting topic to unpack.
Her step-sons aren't alone. There is growing concern about the relative underachivement of boys in education across the Western hemisphere, and the term 'failure to launch' was even referred to as a syndrome in a recent article in The British Journal of General Practice.
We discuss coping with our own expectations and feelings of fear about our children's suceess, managing a complicated situation as a step-parent, and the structural issues affecting boys in today's society.
BOOKS REFERENCED:
Boys Adrift, Leonard Sax explores the alarming trend of boys falling behind in education and life.
Of Boys and Men: Richard Reeves. Why the modern male is struggling, why it matters, and what to do about it.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
Diets, and an obsession with weight, are so much a part of Western culture that it's hardly surprising our teens can struggle to understand how to eat well.
When I researched the topic for episode 9, I discovered that many experts are using mindful - or intuitive - eating to treat patients who develop disordered eating patterns. Indeed, the Intuitive Eating Workbook, which is now in its fourth edition, is recommended on the website of the UK's premier eating disorder charity Beat.
I reached out to Elyse Resch who is co-author of that book, because she has a long list of academic and industry accreditations, and decades of experience in dealing with eating issues. Even better, she's created The Intuitive Eating Workbook for Teens to help our kids at one of this vulnerable stage.
I’m delighted that she agreed to help us unpick how we are talking with our teens about this tricky subject.
THE TEN PRINCIPLES OF INTUITIVE EATING: https://www.intuitiveeating.org/10-principles-of-intuitive-eating/
• Reject the Diet Mentality. Throw out the diet books and magazine articles that offer you the false hope of losing weight quickly, easily, and permanently • Honour Your Hunger. Keep your body biologically fed with adequate energy and carbohydrates. Otherwise you can trigger a primal drive to overeat • Make Peace with Food. If you tell yourself that you can’t or shouldn’t have a particular food, it can lead to intense feelings of deprivation that build into uncontrollable cravings and, often, bingeing. • Challenge the Food Police. Scream a loud no to thoughts in your head that declare you’re “good” for eating minimal calories or “bad” because you ate a piece of chocolate cake. • Discover the Satisfaction Factor. When you eat what you really want, in an environment that is inviting, the pleasure you derive will be a powerful force in helping you feel satisfied and content. • Feel Your Fullness. Pause in the middle of eating and ask yourself how the food tastes, and what your current hunger level is. • Cope with Your Emotions. Food won’t fix any of these feelings. It may comfort for the short term, distract from the pain, or even numb you. But food won’t solve the problem. • Respect Your Body. Accept your genetic blueprint. Just as a person with a shoe size of eight would not expect to realistically squeeze into a size six, it is equally futile (a
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My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
My teen daughter has told me that the fact I am open about my own failings, and quick to apologise, makes it much easier to trust me and to feel safe admitting when she's gone wrong.
It's so easy to look back and see our mistakes, or where we might have done things better, but it’s hard to admit to them and forgive ourselves. The truth is, it's incredibly difficult to get it right in the moment.
As we discuss in this episode, when it comes to the sliding doors versions of life we can never really know whether a different path would have turned out better. All we can do is to try our best with what we have right now.
We've made this episode to help you feel less alone and hopefully some good tips too.
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My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
When the other parent is inconsistent, or never turns up for your kid, it can be incredibly challenging for both of you. It's hard enough as it is, but can be even more challenging when they are abusing a substance, such as alcohol or drugs.
When a listener told us about the difficulty she has parenting a teen son whose absent dad is an alcoholic we thought it was an important subject, and one worthy of discussion.
So how do we support a tween or teen in this position? What do we say to them? How do we help them with the feelings they might be having?
The National Association for Children of Alcoholics suggests using this mantra:
I didn’t cause it
I can’t cure it
I can’t control it
I can care for myself by communicating my feelings, making healthy choices, and by celebrating myself.
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My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
We're back with the first fresh episode of 2024. What a good time to talk about some of the things we've been reading, listening to, and watching, along with some news stories.
Let us know what you think. We're always interested in any feedback; positive or negative, and we'd love to hear from you if you have any great recommendations. teenagersuntangled@gmail.com
Podcasts recommended:
Mel Robbins
Unpublished
Good Bad Billionaire
Everything Is Fine
Search Engine: Why can't we just turn the empty offices into apartments?
TV:
Hunger Games
Netflix - Watch World War II: From the Frontlines
Book:
Do Hard Things: A teenage rebellion against low expectations by Alex and Brett Harris.
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My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
We've all done it; new year, new me. By January the 11th the lustre has rubbed off our shiny resolutions and we're back to our old habits.
The reality is that making resolutions and getting them to stick is harder than we'd like it to be. So how do we make changes in our parenting and our family in a way that will continue to work after the fireworks and fun?
In this podcast:
We talk about uncovering the intention behind the resolution. How to unpack those big problems to find a smaller goal to guide you. How to use small habits in your day to make those big changes more easy. And how using positivity can keep us going.
Some ideas:
Ask your teen what key change they would like to see and don't react badly to the answer
Find one on one time with each child
Don't text and drive
Create a tech contract
Create a chores contract
Yell less
Listen more
Sort out sleep routines
End your work day
Find space for you
Don't judge out loud
Let your teen cook once a week
Don't judge people out loud
Let your teen make their mistakes so they learn from them
Demonstrate the behaviour you want to see
Practice gratitude
Build a parent tribe of others who're in a similar situation
Make time for your partner
Get outside more
Sit down to family meals more often
Find games or activities you can all enjoy together
Resources: Small Move Big Change by Caroline Arnold. https://beenke.com/parenting/parenting-resolutions-you-can-actually-keep/ https://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/980167/new-years-resolutions-for-parents-of-teens/ https://www.rootsofaction.com/resolutions-that-can-change-your-teens-life/ https://hms.harvard.edu/news/uncontrollable-anger-prevalent-among-youth
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My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
Christmas is marketed as a time of magic and joy, but when it comes to your teenagers does it feel more like a time of pressure to deliver expensive gifts - and disappointment?
One of our regular listeners has asked us to research and discuss how to better deal with a teenager's lack of gratitude when things don't live up to their expectations, and our feeling that they don't appreciate what's been done for them.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
It's our two year anniversary, and what a ride it's been! Since we're taking a break to spend time with our families, we thought it would be the perfect time to reflect on what we think are the best things we've learned over the years, and signpost which episodes you might want to listen to again.
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My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
The pandemic saw thousands of children moving online to learn, socialise, and play. Unfortunately, internet predators have followed them there, using highly sophisticated tactics to reach children and coerce them into sexual activities.
We were recently contacted by our listener therapist, Frances, who says that she's been dealing with cases of grooming online and thinks it's vital that we discuss the topic.
She's right to highlight it. I've been contacted by parents who have confided in me that their teen has fallen victim; both boys and girls.
The disturbing nature of their activity has been exposed by Internet Watch Foundation analysts whose job it is to track down and view some of the very worst child sexual abuse material on the internet so it can be removed and blocked. They've seen a massive increase in abuse since lockdown.
The one thing I've learned from all of the research I've been doing is that we are pretty much the only gatekeepers online; the apps constantly duck responsibility. The key watershed is 13, because the internet companies aren't allowed to collect data on people below that age. But that's still incredibly young for most kids to be accessing the sort of things that are online, and often they lie about their age to get apps they aren't legally allowed.
We cover how to keep our teens safe, how to spot grooming, and what to do if your kid's a victim.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
One in eight UK teenagers now suffers from an eating disorder, according to the latest figures from the UK's National Health Service. That's a shocking fifteen-fold increase since before Covid.
These disorders are notoriously sneaky; parents I've spoken to say they creep up on us and it can take a long time to realise what's going on.
It's even worse if we focus in on seventeen to nineteen year olds where one in twenty boys and one in five girls has an eating disorder.
In this episode Rachel talks Umairah Malek, the Clinical Coordinator at the UK charity, Beat. She explains what an eating disorder is, what to look out for, and gives some great tips for how to support your loved one through to recovery.
Resources: The EAT-26 is a self-help test that takes just minutes to complete. [1] Mental Health America has a different version with fewer questions. [2]
Neither test can diagnose an eating disorder, but they can help you understand if your symptom severity is improving. So taking them, and tracking your scores, could be helpful.
Books: www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/about-eating-disorders/downloads-resources/helpful-books/ Hadley Freeman, Good Girls: A story and study of anorexia.
Netflix: Everything Now - After months in recovery for an eating disorder, 16-year-old Mia devises a bucket list of quintessential teen experiences to make up for lost time.
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My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
Extreme misogyny, and the resulting violence against women and girls, has recently been described in the UK as a national emergency.
According to the National Police Chiefs Council, online influencers like Andrew Tate are radicalising boys in and a way that is 'quite terrifying'.
Deputy Chief Constable Maggie Blyth said officers who focused on violence against women and girls are now working with counter-terrorism teams to look at the risk of young men being radicalised.
But what should we parents be doing, and how can we best support our boys? I reached out to Dr. Brendan Kwiatkowski who's a researcher and educator specializing in the social-emotional development and wellbeing of boys and men.
We talked about the emotional lives of boys and men, online influencers, and the idea of innoculating our boys before they hit puberty so they are prepared for the issues that tend to crop up.
Dr. Brendan Kwiatkowski: www.remasculine.com Dr. Brendan Kwiatkowski is a researcher, educator, speaker, and consultant specializing in the social-emotional development and wellbeing of boys and men—and how that intersects with the wellbeing of others. His PhD research investigated teenage boys’ experiences and beliefs about being male and compared their experiences based on their levels of emotional expression. He is passionate about positive-focused and person-centred research that humanizes and empowers participants, as well in research that is transformative and practically useful for people in the real-world. He lives in Vancouver, BC, and is part of the faculty of education at a local university. Some of the things Brendan enjoys regularly is breath-work, cold plunges, and free-diving.
BOY FRIENDSHIPS: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/boy-friendships-and-supporting-our-sons-in-forming-positive-friendships-also-what-the-we-sho-1/
TALKING ABOUT PORN: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/pornography-why-talking-to-your-teen-about-it-is-more-important-now-than-its-ever-been-and-great/
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
We all want the best for our kids, but there's a tricky balancing act between giving them the freedom to make the mistakes that build resiliency, and stepping in to protect and guide them.
There's been a modern shift towards close management of our kids, and a constant eye on academic grades. But it's worth considering how to ensure our desire to support them doesn't end up having unintended consequences; stripping them of their ambition, self advocacy, and desire to tackle things in life that are hard.
It's also worth considering how we parents will feel when that all-encompassing role begins to fade and they need to live life independent of us.
This episode takes a look at some of the modern styles of parenting, including the benefits and the problems in terms of turning out rounded adults. We also look at steps we can take to increase agency in our older teens in a way that will ease them into adulthood.
If you're committed enough to listen to the very end you'll also hear our blooper.
RESOURCES USED: Operation Varsity Blues on Netflix https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/what-is-helicopter-parenting/ https://www.verywellfamily.com/helicopter-parents-do-they-help-or-hurt-kids-1095041 https://www.mongooseresearch.com/blog/bulldozer-parents#:~:text=What's%20a%20bulldozer%20parent%3F,their%20child%20may%20come%20across. https://parentology.com/what-is-bulldozer-parenting/ https://www.businessinsider.com/helicopter-how-bulldozer-parents-harm-their-children-2023-6?r=US&IR=T
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
Has your kid seen porn? Research says 1 in 3 kids have seen explicit, hardcore porn by the age of 12, many by accident.
Whether or not your tween or teen has seen it the fact that hardcore porn is widely available, free, and easily accessed from any device with an internet connection will be having an impact on the whole culture they are growing up in.
We want our teens to feel that it's normal and natural to be interested in sex, and want to explore what's out there, but talking about it the modern issues can be a minefield. Whilst we're openly trying to teach our kids about consent, and educate our boys to be respectful of women, what they might be accessing online is the opposite. Much of it is degrading, and objectifying, and normalises potentially dangerous and harmful sexual behaviour.
A lot of parents I have spoken with don't know how to have those conversations, so I contacted Dr Mandy Sanchez, from Culture Reframed, an organisation that provides free education resources and worksheets for parents. In this episode she talks about how, and when, to talk about porn with your kid.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
In an era where house prices have gone up, wages have stagnated, and young people are staying in the family home for longer, how do we manage the transition to adulthood whilst our young are still living at home?
One of the big debates for parents is whether teens and young adults should pay rent. So when one of our listeners asked us to talk about it, we thought it would be a great topic for our club.
It’s definitely one to think about well beforehand, because your attitude to it will become an important subliminal message to your teen.
For some, seeing your child move out, or start to pay rent is a critical stage in growing up. For others, the idea of charging your teenager - or any member of your family - rent is an absolute no-go.
In fact the age at which our kids leave home varies wildly in different cultures; even within the same continent. Across Europe the average age of leaving home is 26, but in Sweden and Denmark it's closer to 21 and in Croatia and Malta it's nearly 32.
We discuss the concept of being a teenager, how different cultures think about the topic, and the pros and cons of charging rent.
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
Nobody would argue against the benefits of exercise, but there are lots of school kids who dread physical education lessons, and dodge exercise whenever it's raised.
When Nicola contacted us asking for advice on how to get her 12 year old daughter to do more exercise we thought it was a perfect topic for us to discuss.
It turns out that lack of exercise in teens is a worldwide problem, most pronounced in South Korea, and that teen girls significantly trail boys in doing the recommended amounts of exercise in almost every country around the world.
‘Globally, during adolescence, ‘girls’ worlds shrink, while boys’ expand’. One study finds that the map of 14-yo girls’ day-to-day movements is 2/5 the size of that of their 11-yo selves, and only 1/3 the size of 14-yo male peers’ movements. In Texas, teenage girls do 65% less physical activity than boys. Girls drop out of sport clubs in adolescence at far higher rates than boys. This sets a trend for life.’ Dr Rachel Hewitt author of In Her Nature
We talk about what it feels like to come from a family that doesn't exercise, some of the big barriers to it such as lack of facilities, space, shame, and public perception of who should be exercising.
Hopefully this will help us, as parents, to focus on ways in which we can support our teens to get more active. It will definitely benefit them and, if we lead by example, the benefit will be for the entire family.
BOOKS: Bounce: Matthew Syed
TIPS: https://www.parkrun.org.uk/ App my daughter loves: Couch to 5k runner (yellow) by Fitness22 www.boostfit.com
Parenting teenagers and media literacy. (0:02)
News consumption, physical activity levels in teens. (3:33)
Children's fitness and the importance of basic strength. (11:18)
UK school policies and gender equality in sports. (16:04)
Motivating kids to exercise and the impact of parental influence. (20:36)
Promoting physical activity and exercise for families. (24:31)
Promoting physical activity for teenagers. (28:49)
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I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
‘Trans’ and gender confusion: what to say to teens when we’re often more confused than they are. An interview with expert psychotherapist Stella O'Malley. 61
The words non-binary, queer, trans, are regularly used in social media and the news nowadays. Many teens are far more educated on their significance than us parents; in fact many of us would be completely unprepared over how to support a child that announces they're trans.
In some countries, and communities, anything that veers from heterosexual is still punished. In many first world countries there has been a large shift towards acceptance and understanding of people who don't fit into societal norms.
School environments are being adapted to provide accommodations. For some, this seems like an obvious progression, and rooted in kindness and care. For others this can feel very challenging, even offensive if it impinges on other rights.
Even if our own children aren't affected, they are living in a world were things have changed dramatically from when we were teenagers, so I decided we'd all benefit from listening to someone with extensive experience, and refreshing perspectives on gender.
Stella O'Malley's a psychotherapist, writer, public speaker and parent, with many years’ experience working as a mental health professional. She's also the founder of Genspect, an international alliance of professionals, trans people, de-transitioners, parent groups and others who seek high-quality care for gender-related distress.
https://www.stellaomalley.com/
Her podcast is called Gender: A Wider Lens, and her co-authored book is called When Kids Say They're Trans.
You can find out more about her at our website www.teenagersuntangled.com
Thanks for listening. Please hit the follow button if you like our podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
Our website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us: www.teenagersuntangled.com
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog: www.amindful-life.co.uk
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
In most episodes Rachel uses her journalistic background to trawl through studies and find out what a range of experts think about a topic. Susie brings her wealth of knowledge and experience of mindfulness and parenting to the microphone. Together, the two of us talk about the reality of parenting.
We're going to continue with that, but thought it might be nice to broaden the format to talk about current affairs topics, and how they affect us and our listeners.
In this episode we chat about the latest in teen slang; which can be hilarious. We also discuss the banning of mobile phones in schools, why it's happening, why it hasn't happened before, and what the benefits and issues are that surround it.
Also, we talk about exams. With the shift towards AI, is our education system really offering our teens what they need to equip themselves for being an adult? Are the subjects we study, and the way in which they are studied, still fit for purpose? Given that we can't get rid of AI, should we be incorporating it into the school curriculum?
We don't promise answers, but we're very keen to think about it, because these issues directly affect our teens.
We really enjoyed making this episode. What do you think? Shall we do it more regularly, or do prefer the research episodes? Would you like to hear more interviews? We're here for you (and to learn for our own sakes.)
CHAPTERS: 2:01 Teen lingo 7:10 Reviews 9:07 The things that trigger us are an opportunity to know ourselves better. 12:32 Getting stuck in an emotional spiral. 15:57 Mobile phone ban in schools
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You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
Deciding to split can be an incredibly challenging time for any married couple, but knowing the impact it can have on our kids can make it even harder to navigate the complex untangling of a life together.
We were asked by one listener to talk about it, because she has a family member who's planning to divorce once their teen has finished their main exams, but keeping it quiet in the meantime. It's a tricky question; do we stay together for the kids, when do we tell them, and how?
In this episode we talk about a news article that claims teenagers are the ultimate marriage wrecker, the impact on teens who live with parents in an unhappy marriage, and whether they are better or worse off than those in a single parent family.
We talk about the best way to tell your teen you are splitting, an innovative way of dealing with it called nesting, which allows the kids to stay at home whilst the parents move in and out, and the new apps that can ease the burden of communication.
Whatever path you choose, one of the best bits of advice I always give divorcing couples, is to try and choose a legal service that's trained in reconciliation to reduce the fighting, and cost, of going through such a difficult process.
THINGS THAT MIGHT HELP: A few apps; but there are many out there:
https://supportpay.com/
https://www.cozi.com/
https://www.custodyxchange.com/
https://www.onwardapp.com/
www.separatespace.co.uk Legal and mental health professionals who specialize in divorce. www.restoredlives.org online courses for people going through break-ups
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You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
Stacy messaged to tell us that her son had come home with a hickey for a second time, and she wasn't sure whether her reaction was the right one. My goodness, parenting can be hard.
Remember when you had your very first date? The butterflies, the nervous laughter, and the constant fear of saying the wrong thing? Now imagine your teen going through the same rollercoaster of emotions.
In our latest podcast, we take a look at the words being used for dating, what teens are getting out of it; which is a lot of personal growth, excitement, and status.
Don't miss the top tips on how to be the best parent possible to a teen who's started dating.
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You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
Everybody knows intelligence is important, but until the 90's we relied on the testing of IQ to measure it. The problem was that IQ didn't really predict success. When the term emotional intelligence began being used it became clear that it may well provide the missing link for understanding what makes some people more successful than others.
A teenager with a higher EQ will be better at communicating with others, and that helps them to resolve conflicts, understand where other people are coming from and support them. All of this helps them to manage their own emotions and overcome life's challenges.
The REALLY good news is that, unlike IQ, it isn't fixed; we can grow our EQ, and we can help our teens to develop theirs too.
So, when Betty asked us to take a look at how she can do that for her twins we decided it was a great topic to discuss.
EMPATHY VS SYMPATHY: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
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You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com
I'd never heard of a Gap Year until I took one, but it was life-changing; in a good way.
Whether your teen is starting out at senior school, or about to hit a transition year, it's worth talking with them about whether taking a gap in their education or work life is a good thing, because the earlier and more they think about what they might like to achieve the more they might get out of it.
In this episode we discuss:
When is the best time to take a gap year?
The benefits and the drawbacks.
How to structure and plan a gap year.
Transitioning back to home and school after you've been away.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit.
You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is teenagersuntangled@gmail.com And my website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me: www.teenagersuntangled.com