SAVE THIS EP! Still stuck in your head about the narcissist? In this 5-minute Thrive in 5, I’ll walk you through a quick but powerful nervous system reset to stop the obsessive thoughts and bring you back to peace—fast.

You’ll get: ✅ A calming breathwork drop-in ✅ 3 truth statements to interrupt the spiral ✅ A soothing visualization to reclaim your clarity

Because you deserve peace—not mental chaos. 👑

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Free 4 Minute Mood Boost Meditation https://christyjade.ck.page/insider   Grab your #notmyshit Journal on Amazon https://amzn.to/46dDSYk   TRANSCRIPT Speaker 1 (00:00):

Still obsessing over what the narcissist said, did or maybe didn't do. Feel like your brain won't shut up and your peace is always just out of reach. Queen, you are not crazy and you're definitely not alone in today's thriving five. We're doing a quick nervous system reset to stop that mental spiraling and get you back to your calm ground itself, even if you've not met her. Alright, let's take your power back starting now. Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to take a breath, queen, this one's for you.

(00:51) All right, beauty. If you have been stuck in a loop, replaying conversations, wondering why, feeling like you cannot let go, this is for you. Obsessive thoughts are actually a trauma response, not some personality flaw. So the brain clings to the pain because it's trying to solve it. But today, we're not solving everything we are soothing in this quick episode. So first, let's just drop in together. Place your hand over your heart and one on your belly if that feels good to you. Now you can either close your eyes or just soften your gaze and let's breathe together in through the nose. Inhale for four, holds for two, exhale for 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Again, inhale for four, hold for two, and exhale for 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Letting those shoulders drop, let your jaw soften your eyebrows, release any stress, and quietly say to yourself, repeat after me. I am safe in this moment, I'm allowed to stop thinking about them.

(02:43) Peace is mine and I'm reclaiming it now. Beautiful. So let's speak some truth to that lovely old heart of yours. Loud and clear. Okay, thinking about it over and over won't change what happened, right? It's not going to change anything, and this is something that has definitely helped me just stopping and saying, you know what? Thinking about it isn't fixing it. You've already survived it. Now we have chosen freedom, which feels a heck of a lot better. Even if we get these obsessive thoughts, sometimes they will get less and less and we can speed that up, that process up by doing exercises like this. Number two, they are not worth my energy today, right? They're not. Energy is your currency. We have a short time here on Earth, so we're going to spend it on you, not them. You deserve that. Whether you totally feel that or not.

(03:59) You do. I'm telling you, and I'm the smartest queen ever. Just kidding. Just kidding. Okay. Number three, we don't need closure from them, right? You can say, I am the closure. It's in you. We talked about this recently. I am the closure, their apology, whatever you might expect. We did a couple of episodes on apologies recently, right? Their apology is not going to heal you, but your own voice will. So let those settle in, right? Thinking about it is not going to change it. They are not worth your energy and you don't need closure from them. You are the closure. Alright, so we're going to do a quick visualization here. So again, you can have your eyes open close, but for me, I love closing them, but it's all up to you. Imagine yourself standing on a rocky shoreline and the waves are crashing, loud, chaotic, just like those obsessive thoughts that go through your mind.

(05:17) But now picture yourself turning around and behind you is a forest trail. It's quiet, it's peaceful. Sun is filtering through the trees. You take a step away, away from the chaos, then another step and another. So with each step that crashing gets softer and softer. Now, it's far behind you in the getting more and more quiet. You're stepping. You're stepping again. Now it's silent and you feel that warm glow of the sun on your skin, on your face. Breathe it in smile. Feel that. Feel that difference in what you chose to do to walk away from the chaos. This is your nervous system at peace. This is what you get to return to any time you choose or want to. Anytime you did that in just a few minutes, you took your power back from the obsessive loop. That's not small. No small potatoes here. That's a huge potato.

(07:06) If this resonated, first of all, save it. Okay? Save this visualization if it worked and helped you just feel calmer for a few moments and you can sit in this meditation as long as you want. You can pause it as you listen to it and stay there and enjoy the quiet and the peace. And also, if this worked, maybe it will help someone who needs that reminder too, who needs to be able to reset their nervous system because you're not alone and you don't have to spiral in silence again. You got me and you've got your friends trusted ones, right? So you're not alone in this.

(08:05) All right? I will see you in the next episode. That's your Thrive in Five Queen. Now go sip your tea, adjust your crown, and protect your piece like it's got a restraining order against toxic energy because it should. I will see you Tuesday for next week's full episode, AKA, your weekly deep dive into healing and handling the unhealed with grace and maybe a little side eye. So don't forget to follow the podcast so you don't miss a moment, and check the episode description for ways to work with me and grab your freebies because healing does not have to be lonely, and it definitely doesn't have to be boring. Until next time, sparkle up.

Blocked the narcissist and now they’re spiraling? Good. That’s not drama — that’s proof you took your power back. In this episode, we break down why they react that way, how to protect your peace, and why holding the line is your biggest win yet. 👑🔥

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Free 4 Minute Mood Boost Meditation https://christyjade.ck.page/insider   Grab your #notmyshit Journal on Amazon https://amzn.to/46dDSYk   TRANSCRIPT

All right, you finally blocked the narcissists. No more texts, no more dms, no more access to your beautiful energy. And now what? Though? They are spiraling. Suddenly you're the villain. They may be stalking your socials, blowing up mutual friends or family members, and maybe even running a full-blown smear campaign, which I have been on the other end of. And it's not fun, but it is very common with narcissists, right? So if you don't know what a smear campaign is, it is basically imagine them just badmouthing you to anyone and everyone. They can really for a reaction from you. But two birds with one stone, they get to also make you look bad to other people. But what I want you to remember today, this chaos, the rage, it means you took your power back and that is the win. So let's break it all down in this episode.

(01:02) Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice, and had to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck, and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now, I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there. And let's cue your royal glow up.

(02:00) Hey, queen, it's Christie. And today we're talking about what happens when you do the bold, brave thing and you actually block the narcissist. You hit the button, you silence the chaos. You close that portal to all of their icky manipulative games, right? That's such freedom. But now they're losing it, right? Often they will come back stronger and harder, and this can be a scary part of the process. I've been through it. It happened, usually does. So it's very expected. We'll talk about why, but it's also a big old, beautiful neon sign saying You did the right thing. Why do these narcissists spiral after you block them? This is, I don't know. This helps me just sit with all of it and be super clear. And I don't know. When I learned about all of this, it did help me feel better in this situation. Number one, I've talked about this.

(02:59) The narcissist doesn't want you. What do they want? Class control over you. It's all about the control. It's about the access, the option to push your buttons, rile you up. They like that. I know. Not cool, but at this point, you probably know that they want the supply. That's my favorite word, having to do with narcissists, because that's all they want. The supply with the control, your reactions, your emotions, your attention, that feeds them. So when you block them, you are taking their drug away. You're cutting off the hit. And for a narcissist that is panic mode, which can look like different things. So there can be sudden rage, right? There could be rage, just, oh my gosh. Let's say you blocked 'em on the phone. Then they, but not the social media. They might come over in your social media, they might show up at your house.

(03:59) They might get through a friend, get some message to you, and they may be ragey or love bombing attempts. They might call, and I've had this experience too, from new phone numbers or new emails. I had a narcissist create a whole new profile just to contact me. It also might look like those smear campaigns. This is very, very, very common because this is an easy access way. Sometimes narcissists can be lazy. So instead of having to go to the efforts of creating new this or that, they're like, well, we have mutual friends. We have mutual family. I'm already talking to, I'm going to, basically, they will make up stuff about you. Twist things into totally different situations, badmouth you, make your mutual friends and family turn against you. There's also the lurking. I have a public profile. Let's say TikTok. I can see right people.

(05:09) I can see who is viewing my stories or my reels. So you might be in a situation like that where they are lurking. They might drive by your place, get those cameras in order. Another thing is guilt tripping or using flying monkeys, their they're little puppets to check in for them. So again, there's a lot of different ways that they will try to get closer to you. So this isn't proof. You hurt them. It's proof you are healing you. So let's flip the script. You might think, wow, they really must care if they're reacting this much. No, no. They care that they've lost their freaking grip. Their ego is bruised. This whole illusion of control is shattered. They cannot stand it, but that isn't love. So I want you to be very, very clear. Some of you already know this and you just want them out.

(06:15) Some of you are going, are they trying so hard? Because I'm so special and there's a special bond between us and they love me so much. This is a character trait of love and passion. No, this is entitlement. This is their bruised ego being very upset. Don't confuse their chaos with care for you. This reaction is not a sign of your worth. I'm sorry. You're beautiful, you're awesome, you're worthy, but this is not a sign of your worth. It's a sign of your growth, right? You are growing away from them and they can't stand it again, not because of you, but because of their need for control and that supply that you were giving them at some point, and now you're not. And they're very upset about it. So how do you protect your peace and stay in that zone? How do you get basically unshakeable? So the number one advice I always love to give, as you know, is no responding. Not even once they wait. They wait for that crack in the door, even a leave me alone. Text is supply for them. Silence is your best weapon. It is your best weapon against the chaos.

(07:41) And you can have a beautiful visualization of this picture, a lot of chaos, and then silence next to each other. Doesn't it make sense that the best weapon against that would just be silence and calm? So no responding, not even a little, not a thumbs up, not an okay, nothing. Don't even say leave me alone. Number two, tighten up all those digital and energetic boundaries. So make sure your mutual friends are not passing any information along. And this again, has happened to me in my own family. You have to ask people, please do not give information about me. Cut it off. You are the one with that control. And if you can't trust that person, then you don't tell them information. You don't want to be shared. And if they cross your boundaries, that middle person, I mean, sorry. Bye. I am quick to get rid of someone who does not respect my boundaries.

(08:43) So remove them if you have to from your socials, block them and keep the narcissist obviously blocked everywhere. That's phone, that's email, that's all your socials. And reaffirm why you block them in the first place. Revisit the journal. Maybe you journaled about it, right? Or maybe you need to make a journal entry about it that you can go back to when you're feeling bad or guilty about blocking them. Write down how they made you feel. I'm not talking just saying I felt sad or I felt scared. I want you to write the visceral reactions. Your body, this feeling. I felt tight in my chest. I felt terrified to the point I was shaking. I felt like I could barely talk. My tight and my neck was so tight. Let that be your fuel as a reminder of just how impactful this is on not just your mind but your body and support yourself like crazy.

(09:46) Be your own B, f, F. Listen to the podcasts, meditate. Do that. Nervous system work. I'm all about somatic healing. I will pop my link in the description. If you would like to sign up for a session. I'm telling you, it is epic. You want to talk about resetting your nervous system from the body, not just talk. Therapy is amazing. I'm a big advocate. Obviously I do coaching myself and mindset work, but when you go from the body girl, it's a whole different thing. And lean on safe people who get it, not the mutual friends that still talk to this person. Okay, I'm sorry, that ain't it. You need to lean on safe people that are going to uplift you, validate your feelings, and give you hugs and pink sprinkle donuts. Okay, speaking of which, can I just tell you how amazing the people in my life that I have now are compared to when I wasn't choosing so well?

(10:49) I have these new friends in my life, and I'm bringing this up because this is a part of narcissistic abuse. You can attract controlling people or people who don't want you to shine. And since I'm later in my healing journey, and I have found some amazing friends, my dad passed last week, that was so hard. The amount of people that I've recently met, really quality, uplifting, amazing people, how they've shown up, I said pink sprinkled donuts, because one of my best friends brought me my favorite Krispy Kreme donuts, right? My friend showed up yesterday with flowers and a wind chime that had something related about death on it. And she also brought me a donut tea towel for the kitchen and just was like, let's chat. These are people that I have chosen very intentionally later in my life after realizing I wasn't choosing people, they were choosing me. And with narcissistic abuse recovery, you want to make sure you're choosing and you're choosing well, people that are really good, solid, uplifting, positive influences in your life. So little side note, just a side note. Someone needed to hear that, right? Alright, so let's get to this pep talk. I love a good pep talk and maybe we'll do an extra pep talk on Thursday related to this. Maybe a longer one, but I want to just leave you with this. You're not the villain. You are the queen warrior.

(12:27) You're not wrong for blocking them. You're not mean. You're not dramatic or sensitive. Repeat that one, please. I am not dramatic or sensitive. That's right. You're not. You are freeing yourself from manipulation and you are choosing peace over that chaos. You're not the villain in their twisted story. Their truth isn't even their truth. Their story isn't even true, the truth. And essentially, you are the hero in your healing journey. And that might sound like cheesy, but really you're saving yourself right now. Do you get that? Do you get how big that is? You are saving yourself. And if you have kids, your kids, you are breaking this cycle. So you are a hero in your own healing journey. And guess what? Every time you don't respond or you block or you get that, just no more, you've reclaimed another piece of your power. Every time you stay, no contact and don't let that door creak open.

(13:46) Your nervous system gets safer and calmer every time you choose, you win. Say that again. Every time I like how I'm talking myself, I'm like, say it again, Christie. Every time you choose you, you win. So their spiral is not your responsibility, their pain, their panic, their stories, not yours to hold anymore. Block, bless, keep healing forward. I am so proud of you. You are fierce, you are brave, and this is unshakeable. You hold onto this and you stay in your truth, not their fake shit out there. Okay? So until next time, Thursday, we have our Thrive in five. Stay in your power. Make sure to follow my podcast so you get the little notifications that are like Chris, do at it again, every Tuesday and Thursday. Tuesdays are my longer episodes. And then we have our Thrive in five, which are basically somatic healing. That could be breath work, that could be meditations, visualizations, affirmations. I did a prayer last week about my father that I hoped could also help anyone else grieving just for a hard situation. Okay? So just some examples. So definitely follow the podcast. I'd love you to join my Facebook community, and I will talk to you in the next episode.

Still feeling emotionally or energetically tied to the narcissist—even after going no contact? In this 5-minute mini healing, I’ll walk you through a powerful cord-cutting visualization to help you release their grip and call your energy back to YOU. 👑

✨ Perfect for when you feel drained, triggered, or just can’t stop thinking about them.

Make sure to follow the podcast so you don’t miss the upcoming FULL cord-cutting ritual episode!

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💌 Questions? Email me anytime — I got you: FierceMamaC@gmail.com

 

Free 4 Minute Mood Boost Meditation

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Alright, are you still feeling like they've got a grip on your energy even after you blocked 'em, you deleted them, you have walked away? Well, it's time for a five minute cord cutting reset. Think of it as a mini detox to reclaim your power. And I'll be guiding you through a deeper full cord cutting in a future episode. So make sure you click that follow button on my podcast so you don't miss it. Welcome to your Thursday. Thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to take a breath Queen. This one's for you.

(00:44) All right, queen, you've done the thing, you're out, you're healing somehow they're still in your head. You feel like you're in their web, right? They're still draining your energy, still showing up in dreams, thoughts, emotions, even maybe if you're co-parenting you have to have contact. But that is an energetic cord. And today we are going to cut it and this is your mini detox. A quick but still powerful reset. And I will walk you through that fuller one in the future. But this is just going to give us a little bandaid. Alright, so step one, you want to actually visualize the cord. So I want you to close your eyes, breathe in through your nose and out your mouth. Picture a cord stretching between you and this person. See where it's connected to your body. It could be your chest. Where do you feel it? Just whatever pops up. There's no right answer. Your chest, your gut, maybe even your throat. Notice its color, texture, its weight. Does it feel heavy? Does it feel light?

(02:08) This is energetic baggage we are releasing. Alright, and you're a queen, so I know you have some gold scissors, golden, beautiful shiny scissors. And I want you to imagine holding these scissors, they're infused with light truth and your power. Repeat after me. I release this energetic tie. I call my energy back. What's mine returns to me? What's theirs? I release completely. Now cut the cord with your scissors. Feel that freedom. Let the cord dissolve, disintegrate, or burst into light. For step three, we're going to seal and recenter. So place your hands on your heart, breathe in through your nose and release saying, I am whole.

(03:37) I am protected, I am free. And you are queen. We just cleared some space. You just reclaimed some power. So make sure you're following the podcast so you do not miss the full cord cutting that is longer lasting and very, very beneficial for people that are dealing with narcissists who really know how to suck your energy. So that's your in five for today. So don't forget, you own your power, you own these golden scissors and can do this cord cutting anytime. So make sure to save it so you can come back to it for a quick cord cutting and follow. So you will be notified for the full cord cutting coming soon.

(04:38) Now go sip your tea, adjust your crown, and protect your piece like it's got a restraining order against toxic energy because it should. I will see you Tuesday for next week's full episode, AKA, your weekly deep dive into healing and handling the unhealed with grace and maybe a little side eye. So don't forget to follow the podcast so you don't miss a moment. And check the episode description for ways to work with me and grab your freebies because healing does not have to be lonely and it definitely doesn't have to be boring. Until next time, sparkle up.

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TRANSCRIPT:

Speaker 1: (00:00) Hello, beauties. Hope everyone is having a fabulous summer so far, or winter if you're across the world. For me, I'm in summer mode. I'm in vacay mode. Life is good. And it just makes me realize that we truly can create a life we want, even when we've been through some. So today we're gonna talk about five ways to stop self blame and guilt after narcissistic abuse. And I'm doing a second podcast about this because it's come up a lot lately with my clients. Some followers have messaged me about the self-blame and just feeling like ashamed and beating themselves up. And we don't have time for that. So we're gonna get into it this episode. Speaker 1: (00:50) Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawly narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life. And I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:48) All right, so as we know, recovering from narcissistic abuse can be very challenging, right? And overcoming the self-blame, the guilt that just, oh, you feel like, how did I let this happen? All of those thoughts can really kind of stunt your healing. So we have to kind of break through this in order to move forward. So here are five ways to help stop all those things that we just, like I said, we don't have time for. Let's move, let's move forward. And shimmy, shake, come on. The first one, really educating yourself about narcissistic abuse. Obviously in my journey I have gone very, very, very deep in understanding the dynamics of narcissistic abuse, right? It was part of my healing journey. It's how I'm here now, helping you, giving you information. But it was really essential for me to get through the guilt and everything. Like once I realized, wow, these are actually a specific type of people that do X, Y, Z, it's almost like a science. Speaker 1: (02:54) It becomes almost predictable. I say almost, cuz not every little nuance is always predictable, but when you really start understanding narcissists, they become pretty predictable and you kind of know they're next to move and you start to see it in a more logical slash technical way rather than an emotional way. And that is helpful for our journey in healing. So listening to podcasts like this, watching YouTube videos, there's a million TikTok videos you can watch. There's just so much information out there now, thank goodness about narcissistic abuse. That being said, some of it, you know, check your resource if there's accurate information. Sometimes people just throw stuff there, stuff out there. So if you really want to understand, it is helpful to work with a therapist or a coach like myself that has been through it and truly knows what's going on, the ins and outs of narcissism and the abuse that they cause, right? Speaker 1: (03:55) But understanding those dynamics can help you recognize the abuser's actions. Were not your fault. And until you really get how it all works, it's kind of hard to not feel like you had some hand in it and you didn't. So learning about the personality disorder, which is a real thing, a personality disorder that is very, I'd like to call it calculated. It's very, it's a manipulative type of abuse. Learning all of that can help provide clarity and validation to your experience. For us, I've been there, I get it. Needing that validation is essential, essential in our journey. And you, you can really get that through understanding how it all works, how they work. Number two, seeking support from a trusted network. Hopefully you have a person or two you can trust in your life. If not seeking out, like I said, a therapist or coach who truly gets it, who can validate your feelings. Speaker 1: (05:05) Part of what I love about my work is when I'm sitting there with a new client and they're explaining their story and talking about their history and their abuse, and when I get to tell them how it works, explain that it's not their fault. And usually in the first session or two, there's some relief that comes out of them just hearing, just feeling validated. But hearing like this isn't your fault. And sometimes it takes a little longer, honestly, for victims, survivors of narcissistic abuse to really accept that it's not their fault. That can be a journey on its own. But just having someone say it to them who's been through it and knows like, this is not your fault. You are not crazy. I know your truth. I believe you and I validate your feelings is one of the best things in my job. Because seeing that relief on someone's face and knowing what that felt like when I heard it the first time, I, oh, I might get a little emotional right now. Speaker 1: (06:18) It's just, it's just such a relief because you feel like you are batshit crazy or you did this somehow and it's your fault and, and you wrecked your own life. Maybe you wrecked your kids life, like all these awful thoughts that aren't true. And you get even just a little bit of relief in the first couple of calls. And then as we do more and more work, you're gonna by the end of it, be like, I'm a badass queen. I didn't do. This Emma Effa is a crazy person who made me believe all this stuff. But it's not true. And you see the real truth, and I love that journey. So yes, it's super helpful to have someone close to you that you can trust and talk about to it about it too, like friends or family and or a therapist or coach. Speaker 1: (07:02) Number three, and this is hard for some of us because of the dynamic that has been placed upon us by such narcissist practicing self-compassion. So be kind to yourself. Acknowledge, first of all, nobody's perfect. We were not handed a handbook on anything when we were born. Okay? Like, I mean, let's throw parenthood in there. Let's throw how to navigate relationships in general, whether you're with a narcissist or not. We have to learn and grow. It's part of life. Like nobody's born just knowing everything. And especially with these jacked up, crazy narcissistic, abusive dynamics, there's no handbook. And that would be a hell, hell of a long, crazy wild ride of a handbook if there was one. So be kind yourself. You didn't know how to navigate this. Nobody knows how to navigate a narcissistic abuse situation. Nobody, right? But what we can do is once we realize it, once we're aware enough, it's pulling yourself out of it that counts. Speaker 1: (08:08) And then it's saying, I want to create a different life. I see what happened. It sucked. It's not my fault. And now I'm gonna be me 2.0 and I'm gonna be a queen and I'm gonna get through this and I'm gonna heal and everything is gonna be okay. If you have to do some affirmations, you know, I'm a big affirmation person. I might mention them like every other podcast episode for a reason. Take some of those self-blaming thoughts. I want you to write 'em down. This is your homework. I want you to write three self-blaming thoughts, okay? And I then want you to flip 'em to the opposite. Okay? So if you say, let's, let's give an example. It's example time with CHristy. Okay? Let's say I stayed with someone who was abusive and that was so stupid. I'm so stupid. I want you to change that too. Speaker 1: (09:08) Someone was abusive to me and I'm smart enough to be trying to get out of it. If you're there or getting out of it, or I, I'm smart enough to have gotten out of the situation, give yourself props. You're not stupid. I want you to switch it around to the opposite. You are smart, you are strong. That's why you're listening to this, okay? I want you to do three of those affirmations. Write 'em down, flip the negative to the positive, stick 'em on your mirror. Say 'em every day when you wake up, say 'em every night while you're brushing your two. And tell me how it feels. So that kind of leads me to the next one, which is setting boundaries. So we've gotta build up that confidence and know we're worthy, we're okay, we went through hell, we're trying to work through it, or we're on the other side of it. Speaker 1: (09:59) We are climbing through the mud, but we're gonna, we're gonna do this and we're gonna start by setting boundaries with our new relationships or maybe some old relationships or family or friends that maybe are used to you being a certain way, but she's not here anymore and she has new plans and she's got plans with boundaries in 'em. , right? Like, we're not here to be taken advantage of or taken for granted anymore. So you have to prioritize your wellbeing, set those clear boundaries, and move forward and regain a sense of control over your life. You're here because your life got outta control and you don't want it outta control anymore, right? So let's take your power back, let's take your control back. And the first step of that is creating boundaries. I have a 10 part boundaries course, it's epic. And it is in my show notes. Speaker 1: (10:55) There is a link for it. It is extremely reasonably priced for all the content in there. And I did that for a reason because I want it to be attainable for people who can't work, uh, one-on-one with me for an extended period of time. I want you to be able to build your boundaries and it's self-paced. One will leak out, leak out, that sounds weird. One will drop every week and you have, you know, lifetime access to these videos. And it will help you learn how to evaluate what boundaries you need to set, what to do while setting those boundaries. Who to set them with all of that fun and how to have the hard conversations and what to do with those conversations don't go well. Everything about boundaries is in this course. So check it out. Go check the link after you listen to the rest of this podcast. Speaker 1: (11:45) So you got your boundaries set, you're ready to go. And then number five, you focus on those personal growth and healing aspects. Engage in activities that promote your healing, your personal growth. That could be, if you're into reading and journaling, do that. If you're just wanting to take a new course, do something new for yourself. Like what is something you have not done that you want to do? There's gotta be one thing. Do that thing you need. You might need to distract yourself while you're healing. That's okay. I hear all this. I'm sorry. This may be different from other things you've been told. I hear often, like you don't wanna distract yourself from healing. You have to dive in and go deep and, and don't just distract yourself. I, I call on that. I did some distracting, I don't think of it as distracting. Speaker 1: (12:37) I think of it as part of the healing. I think doing something that lights you up in the midst of some hard stuff is absolutely necessary. So if I wanna go pursue a new hobby, take an art class, take a photography class, go dancing my butt off, I'm gonna do that. I don't think it's escaping. I think it is a part of growing as a person and that's part of healing. Discovering the new you, this new identity. Figuring out what do I like as this new person? Who am I now besides a bombass queen? Okay, so by investing in your personal development, any and all of that things, there's a lot of free resources out there too. But investing that time, maybe some of it is money, maybe it takes some money to take some courses, whatever it is. But you can rebuild that self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Speaker 1: (13:28) And that, I'm sorry, is huge in the healing process. So don't listen to those people who tell you don't distract yourself. You gotta dive in and Uhuh, we don't need to sit crying on a couch 12 hours a day. We need to shine a light on what needs to be healed, work on the healing, not obsess over the healing and live our lives and discover who we are and enjoy life. Right? Right. Yeah, that sounds so much better than like the deep dark healing and the shadow work and oh, it's all too much. That's too much. Mm-hmm. Positive vibes. And I'm not saying, what's the whole word they say like bypassing now, I can't think of it, but like bypassing healing and just kind of like, oh, yay. Life is butterflies and flowers only. I'm not saying that, but I am saying again, we highlight the things we need to work on. Speaker 1: (14:20) We work on them in a reasonable amount of time in our weekly schedule. We do, it's good to focus on the meditation or the therapy, but also there's a hell of a beautiful, joyful life out there that has a peaceful aspect, joyful happiness, all those things. I know you wanna feel, you can feel them in parallel to doing the work. So I'm, I'm just not all about that life where you dive into the dark and you spend seven months straight really, you know, taken that shovel and digging and digging and, and everything's so dark and at the end you're gonna have this bright light. That's not how I do things. If you're here with me, you probably are like-minded to me. You have to do what's right for you. If you wanna go dig and get deep and dark for a couple months and really do all that stuff that and that feels like you, that's your prerogative. Speaker 1: (15:13) Cool. I'm here to tell you my experience, what worked for me and what seems to work for my clients, right? So there's a balance and we mostly like to lean on the positive side and the growth side and the discovering who the f we are after abuse side. I'm all about that. So remember, healing from this abuse is a process that takes time, but that process can still be enjoyable. And that's what I want you guys to get. And I think so many people are scared of healing or just like, oh, I have to do this and that and it feels heavy. I'm not here for you guys to have to feel heavy. I want to lift you up and make your lives brighter. And that's what I've done with my clients. I would love to do it with you. There is also, besides my boundaries course, if you wanna work one-on-one with me, I have different options. Go click on the little linky link in my show notes if you wanna do one-on-one coaching sessions. I love doing them. They are my jam. So go sign up and let's chat and I will see you. Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Are we forgetting something? Are we forgetting? Little affirmation. Action. All right. Hands to heart. Not if you're driving. Okay, let's see. What's a good theme for today? Hmm. The guilt, right? Okay, let's take a deep breath. Hands on heart. Speaker 1: (16:38) I am releasing my guilt. My abuse was not my fault. I am ready to have peace cause I'm a queen. Yeah, you are. Yes you are. I will see you in the next episode. Smooches and Oches and all that stuff. Love you. Talk to you soon.

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TRANSCRIPT:

Speaker 1: (00:00) Hello, hello. We are still working our way through the psychological effects of narcissistic abuse and on today's episode we are going to talk about emotional dysregulation. So stay tuned and we will dive into 10 tips to help you with this. Speaker 1: (00:20) Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawly narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and free. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:32) So today we're talking about emotional dysregulation. What is that? You may ask? Well, it refers to the difficulties in managing and controlling your emotions effectively. So a lot of us, before I dive in, a lot of us cannot regulate our emotions correctly. If we have gone through narcissistic abuse, any type of abuse or trauma, which is like a lot of the world, let's be honest, but we can't manage and control those emotions. So it can manifest as in intense mood swings, impulsivity. Um, my impulsive shopping may have been a product of this anger outbursts, emotional instability, right? You might feel like your emotions go way high and then way low. And this actually can be very common because of the situations we were in or are in. If you're listening to this and you're still in a situation where we are literally like being trained by someone and manipulated to where our emotions are being tossed around high and low, high and low, high and low. Speaker 1: (02:36) So we get used to that feeling. So that is why even after you are out of a situation, you can still feel those intense mood swings. Your body remembers, woo, that was supposed to sound like a weird ghost and it just sounded like I was wooing for like a really good hockey team. But let's dive into like what do we do about it? I'm a very, what do we do about it? Now, person, as you may know from listening to my podcast, so here are 10 strategies that can help you cope with emotional dysregulation, uno, practice, mindfulness. There may be some overlap in some, some of these episodes here and during this series, but it's important to engage in mindfulness techniques such as deep breathing meditation, body scans. I don't know why body scans, like some people love them for me, it took me a while to do them and I still, they're not my go-to. Speaker 1: (03:29) So find what works best for you. Don't feel like if you don't love a good body scan, you don't have to do it right? Find something that works for you. It could be walking meditations, it could be meditating and having music in the background. It could be going for a run, right? But just somewhere where you're able to clear your mind and be present. These practices can help you become a aware of your emotions without judgment and respond to them more skillfully. So let's say you're meditating just like typical own style, right? As you learn to do this and it can take practice. So don't get frustrated if you try to meditate and you're like, all these thoughts, I can't do this, I'm incapable. No you're not. Shush. Just keep trying. Do it in small increments. Go from like five minutes, try to master that, then go to 10 minutes, try to master that next thing you know you're gonna be meditating all day. Speaker 1: (04:19) No, not a lot of us have time for that, but I'm sure it's amazing. I've never done it myself. So while you are in that meditative state, your emotions will come up, memories may come up, right? All these things will naturally come up and you have cleared your mind to let them come up. They might come up anyway in our everyday life, right? But here in meditation you can sit with your emotions without that judgment and just kind of observe them, right? Don't judge them. Just sit with them, observe them. And as you practice this more and more, you'll be able to just be more present with the thoughts instead of judging or trying to resist. Good tip. I'm glad I brought this up. Oh, thank you Christy. Here is a tip. When you are meditating, the more you try to resist a thought, the harder it's gonna be. Speaker 1: (05:05) It makes sense, but often we don't think of it. We're like trying to push these thoughts away or like, I don't wanna feel that when you're in meditation, it's the perfect place. When that thought comes up to observe it, embrace it, and try to pass it through, right? So mindfulness meditation, super, super amazing. Number two, building a support network. This, this has been one of the things that it might not happen right away because we may have trust issues with other people, which listened to last week's episode. You know, all sorts of things with relationships can get a little squeaky in the beginning. But as you build that, really try to build a support system with people who are supportive, are uplifting, that you don't have to walk on eggshells around. Could be friends, family members or support groups. We gotta declutter and take out the trashy friends and family members who are not supportive. Speaker 1: (06:01) Like we don't have time for that BS anymore. We didn't have time for it before, but now we know better. Come on, we're 2.0 over here we are Queens. Queens don't have time for. So make that bar very high for your friendships, for family members that you keep in your life. You are not gonna settle for less than people that treat you well and don't make you have fears and worries and walk on eggshells. I say walk on eggshells a lot because if you are someone who's been a victim of narcissistic abuse, you know that feeling. So I always use that phrasing cuz I know you know it, I know you know what it feels like in your body and I want you to pay attention. So you don't ever have relationships like that again. Number three, let's move it girl. Engage in regular physical exercise. Speaker 1: (06:48) So we know this, we know exercise is good for us, but are you doing it? Are you doing it every day? You don't have to like go be a hero for an hour and a half in the gym. I'm talking about just set aside 20 minutes. Usually you'll end up wanting to do it more. That's a little trick. But regular exercise does reduce stress, it improves your mood and emotional wellbeing. And what are we working on here today? Class emotional regulation. Okay, so if you really truly wanna regulate your emotions, this is a fantastic, I almost said fantabulous. Should I say that? Yeah, let's stick to that one fantabulous way to regulate your mind and body. Here's a little secret, find something you actually like doing. If you hate running, don't run. If you hate lifting weights, don't lift weights. If you love to dance to nineties rap like I do, go shake your tail feather anywhere. Speaker 1: (07:43) It could be your kitchen, it could be a Zumba class, it could be a hip hop class. Like I am starting tomorrow night. What? I'm so excited. Um, find something you love guys. This is your, like you're, you're signing yourself up for this. Nobody else. What do you wanna do? Make it fun. Number four, maintain a balance to lifestyle. Okay? You know the drill, that's simple stuff. You gotta sleep right? Okay, I'm gonna throw myself under the big old yellow bus right now. I don't sleep well and I have perimenopause and it's mess messing up my sleep even more. The hot flashes are starting. Like, what is this? Why does no one talk about this? Oh, it's not fun. So I'm working on my sleep schedule right now, like a little baby. I'm training a baby called me, but eating nutritious diet. I, I'm big on like, you know, you mess up here and there, it's okay. Speaker 1: (08:34) But in general, try to get those veggies and those fruits in. Try not to over sugar yourself. You don't have to be crazy psycho about a diet if you're not gonna stick to it. So try to do something at first realistic. And when you get into a jive, into a jive, what, what are these words today? Um, . When you get into a regular routine of eating better, then try to challenge yourself a little more until you really get straight and narrowed out. So I like to think in baby sparkles, right? Baby sparkle steps, okay? What's the one thing you can do this week to eat healthier? Whether that be do some lemon water every morning when you wake up or do one more servings of veggies this week. Each day mark it off. Get get yourself a little tracker calendar, do the work. So that's your homework this week and I want you to email me at fierce mama, c i E r Cmac G, whoops, fierce mama , F i e r C E M A M A C gmail.com. Speaker 1: (09:40) And I want you to write me, what are you gonna do this week? This is accountability people. What are you gonna do this week? One thing that you are going to eat healthier or drink that water or not drink that wine this week. Something this just for the week. Just for this week. All right? So taking care of your physical wellbeing we know can impact your emotional state. You know, it's true when I'm eating healthier and I'm drinking all sorts of water, being hydrated, getting all my beautiful colors of the rainbow in and my vegetables and fruits, I do feel better. I know that. So you know it too. Let's do this. Number five, learn and practice relaxation techniques, right? We learn a lot of coping tools, but you actually, you have to actually use them for them to work. Isn't that magical? So experiment though with different techniques, right? Speaker 1: (10:30) What works for one may not for the other. Same with the meditation stuff. So muscle relaxation, guided imagery, which I love. I'm very visual. So if you're a very visual person, you like doing art and like hands-on type things, you may enjoy guided imagery, meditations, I love those. Or just listening to calming music. Counting backwards like you did when you was a little kid. Counting your sheep. Find something that works for you because they can help you calm down during those moments where you're emotions are dysregulated, going, oh, help me, oh, help me. And you're like, what do I do? What do I do? You have a little toolbox of things that you know work for you. So discover, explore number six. You gotta dig a little, right? We gotta do a little work here. If you haven't done it already, it's time to get your shovel out. Speaker 1: (11:19) We're gonna go identify your triggers and then you develop your coping strategies accordingly. So pay attention to the situations you go through, the people that you are in touch with throughout the day or thoughts that trigger those emotions where you start to feel panic, where you start to be feel worried or stressed out or overwhelmed or like you wanna walk on those eggshells. Pay attention. What is it about this situation? So instead of stop dropping and rolling cuz that's for fire, we're not on fire, just stop dropping shovel, dig on down. What is it that is triggering me? That is what you need to ask yourself in that moment. And then once you figure out those triggers, you can use your strategies like positive self-talk. You know, I love me some affirmations, distraction techniques. I do that with myself. I do it with my daughter. Speaker 1: (12:13) I do love distracting by going outside, get out of the room you're in. Like, I don't care where you are. If you're at work and you're having so much panic, it's taking over. You're, I give you, I give you permission. Say Christy gave me permission, yo, to get up. Say you need to use the restroom, get out of wherever you are. You know, change of scenery is a big thing. Go outside, take a big gulp of air. If someone says that's not the bathroom, you say, well maybe it is to me. Okay, hey, it's not the first time I've peed on a tree. Ah, memories. No, I'm joking. Seriously though, get out of where you are if you can. And then of course there's always talking to someone like a therapist or yours, truly. Either way, somebody who understands narcissistic abuse and understands dysregulation and can help you with these coping mechanisms or just talking with you through them, that is huge. Speaker 1: (13:06) Talking about them with somebody who knows, has the experience and can help you, will accelerate your healing. If you want to work with me one-on-one, I will put a link. You can look at my availability. I am basically full for the summer. There's a couple spots open, so if you want it, grab it. And I would love to work with you and help you. So go take a little peek over in my show notes and sign up through the link. Number seven, express your emotions through creative outlets. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I'm excited about this one. I'm a creative, I love creative, I love art. But creative outlets, seriously for me, writing, I love writing, drawing, painting. If you're not into actual like art or drawing, even baking, cooking, using that creativity in a different way. There's so many ways to be creative that aren't necessarily what you would think as, as like typical creativity. Speaker 1: (14:00) And girl, if you can play an instrument or you wanna learn one, go for it. I sound like I said go for like the animal, go for it. Blast your emotions through that tube. A girl, I see you. So that's a great way any of those expressing yourself through, through art, through any creative outlet can be cathartic and literally like releasing that energy can be a relief. Number eight goes back to what I was talking about earlier, got a little ahead of myself, which I do sometimes, but seek professional help. If it is impacting your daily life. Get help. There's no shame in that game. It is, it does not make you weak, it makes you strong and it makes you a queen. And that's all I'll say about that. You know the rest. Number nine, practice self-care. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before. Speaker 1: (14:48) Joking, joking. We are big on self-care here in this podcast. So if you prioritize self-care that will promote relaxation and wellbeing. And what is wellbeing help? Yes, your regulation of all your emotions. So you know, the typical things. Go take your bubble bath, put on your lotion like you mean it. Read a nice book, a relaxing book. And look, I, I get it. People love murder podcasts. Can that not be part of our self-care though? Can we listen to something a little more gentle instead of murders? Good, thank you. Um, go. Like, I know some people are like, no, it relaxes me. No it doesn't. I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to, I'm gonna have to jump in here. Fight me. Uhuh. Murder's. Murder's not relaxing. Okay, guys, going for walks in nature, getting out nature period is, is relaxing. Just an automatic mood stabilizer. And get your feet in that dirt. Speaker 1: (15:45) Get it in the water. Oh, I was at the lake the other day. It was so relaxing, just watching the waves. Just, and I mean, it was a lake so it wasn't like tidal waves over here, but you know, the ripples in the water just immediately regulated my body and hobbies that bring you joy and peace. So that could be art, of course, that could be anything, any hobby that makes you happy that you can just be present and focus on and is calming. I highly recommend Number 10. We're at the end. Are you ready? Develop emotional regulation skills. That sounds easy, huh? . So learn specific skills to regulate your emotions. So that could be identifying and labeling your emotions, right? So what am I feeling right now? Really paying attention and being present and almost putting a magnifying glass up to your emotions. Speaker 1: (16:42) Like, hello in there. What is this feeling? Let's explore you. Right? Label it, call it out. And challenging your negative thought patterns. So when something comes up and you think, oh, this is gonna happen, or he's gonna do this, or Why can't I do this? You've, you've gotta stop that negative thought. And there, there are definitely episodes where I talk about this in my previous episodes, practicing self-compassion. Give yourself grace, girl, you've been through a lot. This is not going to all be healed magically, overnight, but it can be faster than you think. I will always add that. And also don't feel like, why did I put up with this? All of these thoughts. Like, we don't have time, we don't have energy for that. What you need to focus on now is what? Now? What can I do now? How can I better my life now? Speaker 1: (17:30) How can I have joy? How can I have peace? Stop thinking about the past so much. Stop the cycle when you feel those negative thoughts say mm-hmm have a buzzword. Like, hell no. That's what I used to say to mine. Hell no. Have a little buzzword. Have a little convo with yourself. All right. And also developing effective communication strategies. So things like setting boundaries, having those healthy relationships where you actually communicate with each other and respect each other. And don't walk on eggshells and work on the defensiveness, right? So this all takes time in practice, but it's doable. Okay? So remember, emotional dysregulation can be very challenging. It can, but with the time, effort, and support, you can learn to manage your emotions more effectively. You really can. So it's important to be patient. Like I said, give yourself grace and seek help. If that is me, just go into my little podcast notes over there. Speaker 1: (18:29) I've got an email. If you wanna email me questions, it will be there. I've got a link. If you're like, sign me up, baby, click it. Let's talk. We will have a one-on-one hour long session or you can sign up for more if you're like, I'm ready. No, I'm ready, I'm ready, let's do this. There are other options too. So go click away and let's chat. But we're not getting outta here without some affirmation. So you best put your hands on your heart. Unless you're driving, you are not a self-driving vehicle. Hands to heart, let's go. I am regulating my body. I deserve to find balance in my life. I am finding more peace every day because I'm a queen. Yes you are. I will see you in the next episode.

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Feel like you have no control and can feel crazy town when having a conversation with a narcissist? Been there, girl, glad to say I'm not there anymore and I wanna help you too. So stay tuned for my four ways to gain control and keep calm while having these not so fun conversations.

mentioned episodes:

Episode 2 (about gaslighting and more)

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-2-5-signs-of-toxic-people-and-how-to-get-rid/id1662241353?i=1000592070178

Episode 5 (Grey Rock Method_

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-5-how-to-handle-narcissistic-abusers-the-grey-rock/id1662241353?i=1000594909977

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After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

TRANSCRIPT

 

Speaker 1: (00:00) Feel like you have no control and can feel crazy town when having a conversation with a narcissist Been there, girl, glad to say I'm not there anymore and I wanna help you too. So stay tuned for my four ways to gain control and keep calm while having these not so fun conversations. Speaker 1: (00:19) Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all the fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:39) Look, I'm a big believer in people can change and grow, but narcissist not so much. It is basically like 0.0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0 1% chance that they can. And I'm not here for waiting around and neither are you. So narcissists are constantly trying to find a way to control you. They do this by deflecting, making you feel like you're being unreasonable. And lighting, which I go into detail in an episode two if you're interested. So when you're stuck in a conversation with a narcissist, it can be hard to keep your cool and stay focused on the goal of the conversation or whatever you're trying to get across, right? Because they can make you feel like cuco, crazy cuco. But if the situation calls for it, there are four tips here that will help you keep control of the conversation. Number one, and this is a mantra of mine, don't take the bait. Speaker 1: (02:32) They want a fight. They want the power struggle. It's important to remember that a narcissist, they wanna win, right? It's their whole shtick. And the only way they can feel like they've won is what if you lose whoever they're talking to. So if you're in this conversation, they want you to lose. They're not gonna leave till you've lost. So don't take that bite bait. They can really wear you down. If you don't get into the power struggle with them. Their only option is to eventually walk away from the conversation, or I prefer to walk away from it myself, usually, right? So they will over time get sick of your lack of reaction. And that's called the Gray Rock Method, which I have a whole episode and I will put all relative, um, episodes in the show notes, the description of the podcast. So anyway, this is one of those moments where it's okay to not be nice and to not give anything away. Speaker 1: (03:26) You don't have to react emotionally or defensively and give them what they want. That is what they want, an emotional response from you that validates their feelings as being justified in some way, even though we know they're not, right? So this leads us to number two. Don't succumb to their demands. Set those boundaries and stick to them. The narcissist will try to guilt you into doing things for them. But don't let them set your boundaries. Stick to them. Be hardcore. Be that fierce queen. You are . You don't need to give an explanation. If they give pushback, just stand firm and just repeat whatever it is. No, I'm not comfortable doing that. Or no, I'm not going to do that. I need to go whatever it is. Um, hopefully you can have these conversations if you have to converse with them on the phone where it's easier to click and get away. Speaker 1: (04:17) If not, make sure you have a way to get out of a conversation with a narcissist in general. That is always a recommendation of mine. So stay in control of the conversation and if you need to leave it, leave it. Number three, do not talk about emotional things with them and do not get emotional. This is, this is one of the hardest things to do, especially when they're trying to manipulate and twist your mind all around. Okay? But it's important to remember they're not your friend. They don't care about you. That might be hard to hear if you're in the beginning phases of overcoming this, but they only care about themselves and how they look in front of others, right? The narcissist will try very hard to get a reaction out of you by saying something hurtful or offensive. Do not let them, if someone does something mean or insulting toward me, I tend to get upset at first cuz I may believe them, right? Speaker 1: (05:11) Like I'm an empath. We start to, we self-reflect. But with narcissist, you must realize this person doesn't actually care about your feelings. They care about making themselves feel better by getting under your skin and taking what control. So in order for us to not get sucked into this cycle of negativity over and over again, we need some self-control skills when dealing with narcissists. So do not talk about emotional things with them. Keep it very like surface level, okay? You're, you cannot trust them. They will use your emotions against you any opportunity. This includes sharing personal details. Even if they ask, you can just say, oh, I'm not gonna share that right now. Or, oh, I got just deflect. Get out of the situation. Or just if you can be firm with them, which I'm at that point, but I know it's hard in the beginning, but try to be as firm as you can and just say, you know, I'm not, I'm not comfortable sharing that information right now. Speaker 1: (06:10) Okay? And also, do not let them know how they make you feel. Don't say you've hurt me and you've done this. They don't care. And that's, that's again, giving them the control that they love and need. And it can backfire on you. So avoid any sort of emotional discussion and getting emotional. Save the tears for later in your bathtub and a bond bun. Number four, explain nothing. If you're stuck in a conversation with a narcissist, the best thing to do is give zero explanation for anything, even if they ask. They love to drag explanations out of people. If you're not succumbing to their needs, like we talked about, they're going to try to dig and they know you may be a people pleaser or an empath or just a normal human who doesn't wanna pa make people feel bad. So they will try to dig in there and get explanations out of you. Speaker 1: (07:05) And you need to, this is really you, where you need to stand your ground and not give any explanations. Keep your answers short and sweet or not sweet. That's okay too. You can save that sweetness for someone who deserves it. So you can be firm and direct and get out of the conversation as soon as possible. This is something just as a society especially, I don't know, in America, I am not, I can't speak for other countries, I don't live there, but I feel like we overexplain ourselves in general because we don't wanna make people feel bad. Like if we can't go to something, we sometimes will be like, well, I have this and that and that. And it's like this panic you feel like you have to explain. And my husband, who's the sweetest guy in the world, has said to me at, at times, like, why do you always feel like you have to explains so much? Speaker 1: (07:53) And I think that's part of my own trauma and my past with narcissist, um, relationship dynamic is I always had to explain, right? So we're done explaining queens, we're done explaining. This could be for narcissist, for anyone practice not explaining so much. Just saying, I'd love to but I can't make it. That's like for a regular example of RSVPing to somebody. Um, but then with a narcissist, they love, they love a detailed explanation so that they can actually use that against you and guilt trip you. So the shorter the no explanation, the better. Okay? All that being said, we're also human. So sometimes we may falter. In the beginning when I was, you know, getting out of a narcissistic situation, I, I was building my strength, I was getting confident, I was setting boundaries. I would falter sometimes. So don't beat yourself up, right? But remember that your feelings aren't the problem when you're dealing with a narcissist, it can be really tempting to think your reactions are what's causing the situation to escalate and get outta hand. Speaker 1: (09:02) This is often not true at all. Narcissists have this like, innate ability to push our buttons and make us feel small. It's part of their charm. So, or so they think, right? In reality though, there's nothing wrong with your emotions. They're just a natural response to their weird behavior . So try not to judge yourself too harshly when things may have gotten heated in the past or if you lose control for a moment now or moving forward. But now you have these tips to generally keep yourself calm and in control. So just to recap, do not take the bait. They want that fight. Don't get sucked in. Don't succumb to their demand. Set your boundaries. Do not talk about emotional things. Do not get emotional and explain absolutely nothing to them, right? Right. Ladies, you are amazing. You are fierce. And dang girl, you look good. All right. You got this queen. See you in the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www dot www.christyJade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade fun.

Top 3% in podcasts globally

This week we talk about How to Know if a Person is Trustworthy.  This can feel especially hard to those of us who have gone through abuse, but I think you will enjoy these tips!

Grab my setting boundaries E-Course here:

https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse

Wanna work with me 1:1? I have ONE spot left open for June!

https://christyjade.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

ARE YOU LOVING MY CONTENT? You can say thanks here:

https://christyjade.ck.page/products/queen-drop

GET ON MY WAITLIST FOR MY UPCOMING COURSE:

https://queensofpeacewaitlist.lpages.co/early-bird-waitlist/

Want to start your day off feeling amazing?! My EPIC 4 MINUTE empowering meditation is yours, free!

https://christyjade.ck.page/insider

Join my free facebook group here:

https://facebook.com/groups/christyjade

And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 

https://christyjade.com/

Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!

fiercemamac@gmail.com  

Let's connect on social media!

https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/

https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy

After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233

Speaker 1: (00:00) Hello, beautiful beings out there. Put a smile on your face. I want you to be happy today. Let's decide to be happy. I hope you're in a good mood. If you're not, let's turn it around. All right. Today we are going to talk about how to determine if someone is trustworthy. On the previous episode this week, we talked about trust and regaining trust in ourselves and other people. So I thought I would do a little tip session. Nine tips on how to determine if someone is trustworthy. There are some signs. So let's dig in. Speaker 1: (00:37) Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawly narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:35) So after narcissistic abuse, it can be tricky trusting yourself to make the good decisions, trusting yourself to be able to tell if someone's trustworthy, trusting other people. Cause there's some whack people that hurt our feelings and our souls . So let's dive into how to know if someone is trustworthy. Number one, honesty. So look for consistent honesty in their words and their actions. I say actions more than words, right? Because there's a lot of lip service, especially if you have attracted someone of the narcissistic personality and you're worried about attracting it again, they are good at lip service. So yes, words matter, but actions matter more. So are they transparent? Are they open? Are they truthful in their communication? But it's kind of like, well, yeah, you asked that, but sometimes like I thought they were honest. Now that you've been through it, believe it or not, you actually can tell a little better than the start of your journey with a narcissist because you're here, you're away, you're trying to heal. Speaker 1: (02:42) You did see red flags, you did get out or you're trying to get out. So you know, some of the red flags, you know that intuition feeling. You need to get in touch with your intuition to really be able to feel that. Again, I have some episodes go binge my episodes cuz I talk a lot about that. Meditation y yoga, doing these things really help you, um, kind of connect your intuition back to your mind, your body, your soul. So you can trust yourself intuitively, right? But one way to kind of test this is when you are, let's say dating or getting a new friendship, whatever. When you ask questions, do they feel like, seem like they're avoiding them? They don't want to answer, especially when you're asking pretty simple questions that have simple answers. Do they get defensive? So kind of read body language, see hesitancy, um, and see how open they are because a lot of narcissists will not answer certain things, especially in the beginning when they're trying to paint a beautiful, perfect picture of themselves. Speaker 1: (03:51) Also, look at that. Are they very arrogant? Are they talking about how great they are? Either way, uh, narcissistic or not, homie, don't play that. Like I I am not into arrogant people, , it's just not a great trait. So pay attention to these things as they're talking, like I said, their, their body, their demeanor. Like are they asking questions about you? Are they remembering them? Does it seem, seem sincere? And you, we'll start to build this trust. Like I said, if you've gone through it, you do have a better idea and you, it might take time. This might not be overnight, but keep listening and watching. Number two, are they reliable? So do they follow through on their commitments? Do they make excuses, which isn't that cool? Do they cancel all the time? I had one narcissistic relationship, uh, romantic relationship and whew, that guy put me through the ringer with canceling and excuses and all sorts of things. Speaker 1: (04:51) Not very dependable. So that was a sign I kind of missed a little bit. So are they dependable, punctual? That's a good thing. We like that. Can you rely on them to do what they say they will do? Number three is consistency. In the beginning, this may be a little tricky, but they will show themselves slowly but surely narcissist will become inconsistent. Um, often it can take a little bit, so sometimes we have to walk through the mud, but consistency is key. Do they display a consistent pattern of behavior over time or they, they do they change their stance or beliefs? Or if they're talking to one person, they may say something and then talking to another may say something else. Often narcissists will wear different masks depending who they're talking to. So if you're around their friends and they seem like different than when they're around you or they run into somebody unexpectedly and act off, pay attention to these signs. Speaker 1: (05:57) All right, number four, integrity. This is a big one when no one is watching. So sometimes it's hard because, well, it's no one's watching. No. But even when they're not like out on the public eye, they're not posting on Facebook, they're not in a group, you know, all eyes aren't on them. As you get more comfortable with them, they'd be more themselves around you. And how do they act within the walls of their own home? How do they treat wait staff? How do they treat people? Helping them, you know, like at the grocery store or whatever, checking them out. Notice how they treat others when they're not like performing. Cuz a lot of narcissists, especially the more outgoing narcissist, will have this big, charismatic kind of fake , um, personality and act a certain way. And then when they're with people they're comfortable with or alone, they act differently in a negative way. Speaker 1: (06:58) So pay attention to any shifts. It goes back to consistency. But also is it adding up to what they kind of present as their moral or ethical principles, right? Like in the quiet of the night, in the dark, when they're not on the stage of the world, how do they act and how do they treat people? Trustworthy? People act the same whether they are with themselves, whether with their, you know, of course there's little changes and just comfort levels, but I'm talking about what they do, right? Like I am who I say I am, right? I'm a giving person. I love to help people. Obviously it's what I do for a living. But behind closed doors, I also buy people their Starbucks. I pay for people at cvs. I leave little rocks that say cute little things on them, right? Like I do kind of random acts of kindness that nobody knows about. Speaker 1: (07:51) I don't talk about it. I'm talking about it now to make a point. But how do these people act when no one or just those close to them are watching? All right, number five might be one of my biggest, biggest tips here. Paying attention to accountability. So when mistakes or prob problems, problems speaking, problems arise, a trustworthy person will take responsibility, right? I'm not gonna say it's right away. We're all human. So if they need a minute or if they get a little defensive, that that's one thing, right? People are people, but if they don't own their mistakes, if they don't take responsibility, admitting their faults, apologizing, making things feel better, if they don't do that, they're not trustworthy. So a trustworthy person, and this can show up very early on and it's a good test to look at. If you have a conflict in the first month or two of a new relationship of any kind, how do they act? Speaker 1: (08:55) Do they take accountability? It's really important. Trustworthy people will take accountability and, you know, try to make it better and not just like put all the blame on you or flip things around or, you know, make it bigger than it is. So that's something also to pay very close attention to. Number six, confidentiality. So this is something, and again, it might not come out in the very beginning, but a trustworthy individual respects confidentiality, privacy, right? So anything shared with them, you share a secret with them, they're not gonna blast you. I know with narcissists, I've, in my own experience, I've told them something and found out that they told other people about it to use it against me later. So that sucks. But that's something to immediately if that happens, no, that person is not trustworthy. It seems obvious, but sometimes we will make excuses for people, right? Speaker 1: (10:00) Or they will make excuses for themselves. There is no excuse to share your secrets or your private matters. So trustworthy people can be trusted to keep sensitive or personal information to themselves and not misuse it. And especially use it against you later because that is definitely something narcissists do. I All right, number seven. Are they empathetic? Uh, most of us know narcissists do not have a true empathetic bone in their body. The trick is sometimes they can fake it a little bit, but really long term they cannot. So trustworthy individuals, they show empathy and concern for others, right? Something's going on, they pay attention. Oh, is that person okay? And you can tell it's sincere. They're thinking outside themselves. A lot of times. I mean, there's empaths like me who think outside of ourselves almost too much. Let me be honest. , sometimes I'm like save a little more for myself, but I'm always thinking about how other people feel and I wanna make sure everyone's okay. Speaker 1: (11:05) Stuff like that. But narcissists really genuinely don't care that deeply about other people unless it benefits them or, and they might fake it to get you to give them what they want, right? In certain situations. But you'll be able to tell, it will come out. And again, it's being able to stop and really analyze and be in touch with your body. Like something doesn't feel right about this, something doesn't feel authentic. Sometimes we like kind of dismiss those little red flags and we'd need not to. So trustworthy people demonstrate genuine care and they consider the impact of their actions on others. Where you might hear a narcissist say something like, yeah, whatever, I don't care. I don't care what she thinks, I don't care, right? Like, tough guy over there, I'm so cool and I don't give a. Well, that's cool, except we don't need those people in our lives. Speaker 1: (12:01) We want people who care about others. I mean, it seems simple, but here we are. Here we are, , we've been on this path, I've been down it. So I know you may be going through this and these are things to look out for. Yikes. Here's a big one. This reminds me of if you're watching, if you watched Vanderpump Rules this season, and there's Tom and Arianna, their whole fiasco, and I was kind of like, are we really surprised? Because if you don't know the story, this dude cheated on his girlfriend and everyone made this huge deal of it and it was a huge deal, but I was kind of like, I mean, it's almost as if, as if his track record is clean. So the next one, eight is trustworthiness and past experience. So look at their track record in previous situations. If you know them. Speaker 1: (12:52) Have they demonstrated trustworthiness? It could, that could be relationships work. Like is there a history? You know, but you're excusing away like, oh, that wouldn't happen with me. So basically this dude, Tom had cheated apparently with his current girlfriend now ex but on the show it was his current girlfriend Arianna. And he had apparently also cheated during the relationship earlier. And now he ends up cheating on her with one of her best friends. I wasn't that surprised. Um, he seems like he has a little track record. So sometimes we forget track records. Let's not forget track records. So trustworthy people, they have good track records and sometimes we don't know all people's track records and secrets, but if you know something in someone's past, for me that's, that's just always been a no-brainer. I've never dated someone who openly told me they had cheated or, you know, done something in the past. Speaker 1: (13:54) I haven't, I wouldn't put myself in that situation and not dogging it, but just saying, let's do better for ourselves. Let's not set ourself up like for that. Let's set ourself up for success with people who don't have that track record. Eh, they're out there. Number nine, you can get feedback from others. If you have mutual friends, anybody you know, you know, it's good to say, Hey, have you heard anything about this dude? You know, how is this a good guy? Is this a nice girl? It, it can't hurt to talk to people who have had experiences with the person you are quote evaluating. So their perspectives and observations can provide valuable in insight. It doesn't necessarily mean you have to take their word as gospel, but if you talk to a couple different people and they're both like, that guy's kind of a slime ball, well maybe that's a little jingle jangle in your old warning section of the brain. Speaker 1: (14:52) Now remember, trust is not a binary quality. It is on a, a big old spectrum, right? So it's essential to assess someone's trustworthiness over time and in various contexts before, you know, deciding yay or nay. But it's important to pay attention early on and also know that early on, some people, especially narcissists, will put their fake best face forward. So this is why it can be tough and why you can get sucked in. So I get the nervousness of trusting again, but it's something we have to do. And you, like I said, you're gonna be better at it than you think because you've been through what you've been through each time will get a little easier and you'll know some of the red flags. I mean, if you're working with me, you'll definitely know cuz you'll talk to me and I will tell you, I can sniff these mofos, uh, miles and miles away. Speaker 1: (15:49) Now, um, joking aside, kind of joking, not joking, but that aside also really writing down, you know, things that happened in your previous relationship that you were like, this doesn't seem right, but you ignored. Write that down. When you write something down, it helps just kind of solidify it for me at least. Um, solidify it and make it louder in your brain of like, this is something I need to pay attention to in the future. So writing stuff down definitely helps. And then you could write down what you do want in a person. I want someone who's transparent, who will answer all my questions. I want someone who doesn't cancel on me all the time, whatever it is. So what in the past happened that was a red flag that you kind of dismissed? And what do you want and feels good to you now that you're gonna look for in your future relationships? Speaker 1: (16:44) So that's your homework class dismissed. All right, see you in the next, in the next episode. And if you wanna work one-on-one with me, I will have my link in the show notes. I have a boundaries course in the show notes. I have freebies, like a meditation. I have a new, um, 30 day toxic relationship declutter guide. That is epic. So that's like if you're out of a relationship, how to really like de detox your mind, body, and soul from it. It's so good, so good. So go check that out. And there's a Facebook free, like a private Facebook group that I have. I've got my podcast obviously. So go check out all the show notes, all the things, go have fun and sparkle. Let's do a little affirmation before we go. Okay? Get ready for it. Hands on heart, unless you're driving. All right. I am ready to trust. I am worthy of a healthy relationship. I trust myself cause I'm a queen. Good job, you guys rock. All right, loves you Smooches on doses.

Top 3% in podcasts globally

This week we talk about 4 Tips on learning to trust again after narcissistic abuse. 

Grab my setting boundaries E-Course here:

https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse

Wanna work with me 1:1? I have ONE spot left open for June!

https://christyjade.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

ARE YOU LOVING MY CONTENT? You can say thanks here:

https://christyjade.ck.page/products/queen-drop

GET ON MY WAITLIST FOR MY UPCOMING COURSE:

https://queensofpeacewaitlist.lpages.co/early-bird-waitlist/

Want to start your day off feeling amazing?! My EPIC 4 MINUTE empowering meditation is yours, free!

https://christyjade.ck.page/insider

Join my free facebook group here:

https://facebook.com/groups/christyjade

And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 

https://christyjade.com/

Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!

fiercemamac@gmail.com  

Let's connect on social media!

https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/

https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy

After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233

TRANSCRIPT: Speaker 1: (00:01) Hello. In today's episode, we are going to talk about learning to trust after abuse. I know a lot of you think that's impossible. I'm not gonna say it's super easy or overnight, but yes, you can do it. And I have four lovely, one amazing queen vibe tips. Let's try to make something. Good, right? That's what I like to do. Stay tuned. Speaker 1: (00:26) Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawly narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Christy I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:24) All right, look, I get it. I get it. I've been there. I remember choosing a relationship that was not the healthiest and did I stay in it longer than I should have? Yeah, that's why I'm here. But I will say also after that lovely relationship that is sarcasm dripping out of my mouth, I found that I could trust again. And it took some time, it took some work, but we can make that fun. That's why, that's why we're hanging with Christy Jade. We make fun here. Okay, so let's talk about three ways to chip away at that self-doubt of like, can I trust myself to even have a good relationship or can I trust other people? I mean, that person was whack. Are there more whack people out there? Yes, there are. We're gonna get to that. Okay, so number one is surrounding yourself with supportive people, like uplifting people, cheerleaders people who have your back, loyal people, people who don't make you feel small. Speaker 1: (02:25) You may be like, are there those people? Because I, I kind of felt like, are there, I knew some cool people, but I will tell you this, when I truly disconnected from the controlling, complaining, negative people in my life, I started actually attracting people on a whole other caliber. Like super supportive, just sweet, thoughtful. It was so much that I was like, are you just blowing smoke up my? Is this fake? Is the shoe gonna drop? I'm talking even about friendships, but the shoe has not dropped. There are actually some really amazing good healthy people out there. And I feel like a lot of us, if we grew up with some maybe a little chaotic childhoods, if we chose some relationships that maybe kicked our to put it lightly, we think, oh, that's, that's just what's out there. At least for me, I kind of felt like that. Speaker 1: (03:21) I felt like I was used to being abused in ways, mentally, emotionally, even physically. And it was kind of like this bar I had cuz I didn't know what else was out there as far as especially romantic relationships and even just people being close to me not realizing like, oh, there can be people that are really understanding and who don't just have their way or the highway mentality, right? So one of the first things I did as I kind of cleaned out the closet, remember Eminem, that song I'm cleaning out my closet. I always think of that when I think of like my journey when I disconnected from one of the major narcissists in my life, I also cleaned house just of people that I felt weren't really serving or benefiting my life very much. And it wasn't feeling good and I had to walk on eggshells. Speaker 1: (04:14) Like it just all came together and it was a big wave of disconnecting from some people. And it was hard. I'm not gonna lie, but it's sometimes like when you open your eyes and you see something in a whole new way, you can't help but see things as a whole in a new way, right? So this is something that happens. I have a client right now who's going through this that they disconnected from their major player narcissist and started also realizing some of the friendships in her life were not so healthy either. So she's kind of cleaning out her closet. So building new relationships was huge for me. Finding people that talked about not other people, didn't put me down, didn't make me walk on eggshells, didn't make me fear or have worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. We're just good people. I started joining mom groups where I saw people that were actually doing good in the world and trying to be better and do good in the community, self-aware people. Speaker 1: (05:11) I started kind of strategically placing myself in areas where people were healthy individuals and were helping others. That's a great place to start because most people who help others aren't always selfish. Are there some people who do it for the clout and the recognition? Sure, but it's a good place to start. So finding people who are doing good in the world is a great place, right? Another place is just going to, they have like meetup dot coms, Facebook groups, like local Facebook groups of people that share interest, right? So that could be, if you're on self-growth journey, looking for other people in self-growth, maybe it's meditation class, yoga classes, things like that people are doing that are healthy activities. Joining those and finding people is a good start. They're al you may have to do a little screening. Okay, there's, there's always gonna be some crazy old controlling bug in the pack. Speaker 1: (06:10) Is that a thing? A bug in a pack? I make up so much y'all. It's perimenopause. Can I get a what? What? I swear I have perimenopause vocabulary, legit. I just start making words up. Now, I don't know. Welcome to womanhood. So there might be a bad apple or Abu a bug in the pack, A controlling bug, you know about those controlling bugs. So yes, there might be some screening and we're gonna talk about this. My next episode is actually gonna be on how to determine if someone is trustworthy or not. Ooh, I'm excited for that. So surrounding yourself with a good support system is really important to learn to trust. Another thing we've talked about this, but I'm gonna reiterate is listening to your body. So doing the meditation, doing the yoga, being with nature, getting in touch with your own body. Speaker 1: (06:59) Oh, get in touch with your body. But really listening to it, you know, you have intuition, you have prayer, you have the Holy Spirit and Satia, if you're a God person, you do paying attention to what your body is saying, how it's reacting will help you determine if you are feeling safe or not, right? I know we have trauma, so we gotta work through that. Let's go to some therapy if we need to. But in general, we really do have a good intuition. It's a matter of being able to get calm and aware enough to listen to it. So listen to that, listen to that intuition. Number three, which is harder for some of us than others, but setting boundaries. You want to establish clear boundaries to protect yourself from potential harm. So you have to clear, define what is acceptable and what is not. Speaker 1: (07:47) And I do this with like all of my clients in the beginning. We like my long term clients, we start off with, I call it the hell yes, hell no list. Like what is working, what is not? And then creating boundaries from there in your life. Like if something's not working, all right, how can we get it towards working? Or if you need help with, well, I don't know how to tell X, Y, z I don't trust myself. We work on that, right? So if you wanna work with me, go check out my show notes. There are all the ways to work with me, including there is a boundaries pre-recorded epic workshop. It's 10 videos, chalk full of boundary funds. So if you wanna check that out, it, it will be linked. So you wanna communicate your boundaries assertively and be prepared to enforce them. Speaker 1: (08:31) Because if you are dealing with controlling people, if you have to, obviously, you know, my first thing is like get the away from controlling abusive people. But if you can't, I want you to assertively state your boundaries. And if you have to enforce them, you enforce them, right? And you can always walk away. Give yourself permission to walk away if someone is mistreating you. So this can help you regain a sense of control and security when you feel like you like, well I have the control, right? Like, I am able to take this where I wanna take it. You have that power, right? So setting boundaries gives you such empowerment. It is something you probably have to work on. You've been a people pleaser. You've, if you've been abused, it doesn't always come super easy, but I'm telling you, it is a game changer. Speaker 1: (09:20) If you want peace, if you truly want peace and freedom in your life, you have to learn to set boundaries. Like you will not be able to achieve that without it. And you know me, I'm gonna, I'm gonna play it straight. Number four, gradually take small risks. This is, this is the scary one for some of us, but let's be honest, most of us, right? We we're like, risks equals more fear and more problems. But once you are out of your toxic situation, rebuilding trust requires taking those small steps. Start by taking calculated risks. So you don't wanna go like just jump off a cliff with no parachute. I'm not saying that. I'm saying in new relationships or situations be a little vulnerable. And again, I go back to trusting your body and it's kind of a chicken and egg. But we gotta start somewhere. Speaker 1: (10:14) So start the meditation, start the yoga, start just taking walks and being present with yourself. Get that nervous system rebalanced. I do reiki work if you wanna do that. I just had an epic, epic session this week. I will put my reiki calendar up there, or scheduling link there, sign up. It is, it can be life-changing if you let it. That's all I'll say to really rebalance your nervous system. Okay? So those type of things will help you be able to be more in touch with your body and your mind. And you will be able to start feeling a little safer taking those small risks and begin with people who have already shown themselves to be trustworthy in your life. That's where you start to help rebuild it. As you experience more positive interactions, your trust can gradually be rebuilt. And I'm not saying it's gonna happen overnight, but it can happen. Speaker 1: (11:10) It has happened for me and it feels so nice to be able to trust. It's a great feeling, right? It's a very freeing feeling to trust. So let's go through this again, surrounding yourself with supportive people. And you may have to seek this out actively. They're not gonna plop on your doorstep. Wouldn't that be nice though? You're going to set your boundaries, you're going to trust your intuition, and you're going to take those small risks so you can rebuild your trust. So these are four, four things that will really, really set you up to start trusting again. Do not forget to hit the subscribe. Follow whatever button you want. I don't know what it says, but that one that helps you to see my episodes on. But still she thrives because the next episode is going to help you determine if someone is trustworthy or not. Speaker 1: (12:02) So stay tuned. That'll be later this week and go catch up on any other episodes. We've got a lot. We, who's we? Me, myself, and I. Um, I have a lot of awesome content if I don't say so myself. Helpful stuff that has gotten me through my journey and helped now thousands of other people go through theirs. So go, go binge away. And like I said, if you wanna work with me one-on-one, that link is there. There's also the boundaries course. So take your pick and I will see you in the next episode. Don't forget, hand on heart. Not if you're driving. All right, let's do a little affirmation before we go. I will trust again. I am worthy of trusting. I will trust myself again. I am a queen. Yeah, you are. All right, go shine your crown. See you soon.

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Transcript:

Speaker 1: (00:00) Hello, hello. As a part of our psychological effects of narcissistic abuse series, today we are going to touch on a, a tricky, tough one, which is C P T S D, and that stands for Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Stay tuned to dive into some tips and tricks to help deal with it. Speaker 1: (00:23) Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with? I'm wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:20) So first of all, I am not a mental health professional, but I can offer some general suggestions on how to cope with complex post-traumatic stress disorder following narcissistic abuse. So first, it is important to remember everyone's experience is unique. So what works for one person may not always work for another. So you try and use these different techniques and methods and see what works for you. And there will be maybe some that don't. And if you're struggling with C PTs D, it's recommended to seek support from a qualified therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and abuse. So they can provide the personalized guidance tailored to your specific needs. Nevertheless, here are some strategies that I myself have used and hopefully will be helpful for you. Number one, educate yourself. So learning about C P T S D and narcissistic abuse is huge. Understanding the dynamics of the relationship and the impact it had on you can be empowering and really validating. Speaker 1: (02:25) That's something for me that was really big, was the validation. I got like, oh wow, this makes so much sense and I felt a lot less either shame, guilt, confused, you know, that blame, that guilt, all of that. So it helps you recognize your experiences are valid and they're not your fault. So I definitely like you're here, you're on my podcast. Maybe look at talks, YouTubes. There's so much information out there to help you really educate yourself on this topic. Number two, establish safety. This can come in all shapes and sizes. So you wanna create a safe environment for yourself, not just physically, but emotionally too. Which I mean everyone should be doing this in life, but especially narcissistic Abu abuse survivors. It's really important for us to like gear up and protect our peace. So this may involve, not may involve, this does involve setting boundaries. Speaker 1: (03:22) Setting boundaries is huge. Removing toxic people from your life. I am such an advocate of clearing the clutter of toxic people. I have an episode on it. I will link in the show notes. Um, but it's really, really important because if you wanna maintain well get peace and then maintain it. You cannot have destructive people in your life. Bottom line, it's just not gonna work, right? So seek temporary separation if necessary or permanent and surround yourself with supportive and understanding individuals that you feel safe with. And again, we're not just talking about physical safety. That is yes, very, very important, but also even not having to walk on eggshells. I actually talked about this in my last episode. It was all about walking on eggshells. Many people wrote me, I was surprised at how many people reached out and said this episode really hit them. Speaker 1: (04:17) So I want you guys to take a listen to that. If you have not, I will put that in the show notes as well. It's so important to not be around people that make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells. It is not healthy. And some of us didn't know any better and we thought that's just how some people are and you just accept it. It's part of who they are and their personality. No, it's a no for me. No thanks. And of course self-care. You know what, always talk about this. There's so many episodes about self-care because it is one of the most important things for us to do after we have gone through abuse. Everybody should like have self-care in their life, but we really need to prioritize those self-care activities that promote your physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. We need to run the whole gamut, right? Speaker 1: (05:03) And you can do this in bite size, habit changes, right? Adding some more water, lemon water, especially to your diet. You know, eating some more greens, it sounds like, simple stuff. But a lot of us really neglect ourselves, our bodies, our minds, our own wishes because we have been under the thumb of a narcissist. So when you finally get out, it's time to retrain ourselves, how to treat ourselves. Also, make sure you are moving that body. Get outta your head, get into your body. I cannot stress that enough. It is so important to move your body. Have regular exercise. And of course all of my relaxation techniques. I love meditation, yin yoga, deep breathing. These things may sound simple, but they can be absolutely life changing, especially if you're doing them on a regular basis. There is no way it cannot change all three parts of you as far as emotional, physical, and mental. Speaker 1: (05:59) As I mentioned in the beginning of this, seeking therapy is very important. If you have C P T S D and you're not working with a therapist, I do highly recommend that someone who specializes in trauma. So make sure they know what they are talking about when it comes to trauma, that is the most important thing. So get check your resources basically, right? They can provide a safe space for you to process these experiences and develop coping mechanisms and working through the impact of abuse. So cognitive behavior therapy, em d r, which is eye movement, desensitation and reprocessing say that five times fast. So we call it EMDR or dialectical behavior therapy may also be beneficial. So these are things you want to cross-Check that whatever therapist you choose has experience with trauma and also can perform these techniques. Whether you are an introvert or an extrovert. Speaker 1: (06:58) Number five is really important. You have to build a support network connecting with others who have experienced this type of abuse or C P T S. Both all of the above is really important. So you can get this through online support groups, forums. I personally love in-person things for support, but it depends on, you know, you, your personality. Like I said, extreme introverts may be a little shy, especially in the beginning with this sort of thing. Um, so you could start online and kind of graduate to in person or just throw yourself out there and be brave. So sharing your story though and hearing from other about their stories can be so healing and really help you kind of accelerate your healing journey. Some. Mm, you know how I feel about giving yourself hugs. Do it. I'm want you to do it right now. If you're not driving, I want you to give yourself a big fat hug cuz number six is practicing self-compassion. Speaker 1: (07:56) You need to be patient and very kind to yourself through this healing process. Recognize your healing from narcissistic abuse. It will take time. But I wanna remind you it is doable and you got this okay? And if you wanna work with me one-on-one, check the show notes. I can help you accelerate your journey, right? But it is normal to have ups and downs and you have to have that self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same understanding and care you would to a loved one cuz you are a loved one. Okay? I hope you're still holding that hug. Mm. Say I love you. Me, I love you. Me, yes, Queens need love. This is a fun one. Number seven, engaging in grounding techniques. So these can help you bring your focus back to the present moment. Because with CPTs D woo, we know about some flashbacks you can get so overwhelmed by those flashbacks, the intrusive thoughts, right? Speaker 1: (08:54) The ruminating thoughts we call 'em. They go over and over and just you feel stuck in your mind. So grounding can include deep breathing exercises using your senses to notice your, your surroundings. So you could stop and say, okay, find four things that are green, or find four things that are shaped like an oval. Or I'm going to use my touch sense and find three different textures. I'm gonna smell and see if I can smell some delicious strawberry donuts. Is that just me? But you get the point. So using your senses really brings you into the moment. It's one of my favorite things for myself, but also for my daughter. And it really works well for her. So again, you try these things out and see what works best for you and what you might wanna hit. Pass on. Another grounding technique is just that you ground your feet in the naked soil of that earth or water or stick your feet on a tree. Speaker 1: (09:54) I don't care. I want your feet touching something that is natural. We have, I don't know, we've disconnected ourselves so much between, ugh, just putting our faces in our phones and not peeing as much and wearing thick sold shoes. Oh my gosh, you guys, I had these amazing platform sneakers. Anyone else? Anyone else have that as a teen? I'm 43, so maybe I'm aging myself, but I used to have three inch thick platforms. I used to rock love those total side tangent, but I'm kind of joking about that part. But it is important to get out in nature and really have your naked feet out there. Put them in. Think about at the beach, part of the beautiful beach experience is your feet in the sand because you are literally connected to Mama Earth and she's a big queen and you're a queen. So you're hanging out together, celebrating your queendom through your feet and your sand. Speaker 1: (10:48) So I want you, this is your homework actually, if we're gonna do homework, if you've never grounded, I want you to go find an area that is free of sharp debris, . Whether it's sand, if you live near a beach, whether it is, yeah, I mean, if you have to drive a little bit, go drive. What else are you doing? Come on, take me with you. Go to a beach, go to the woods, go to, you can go out in your backyard, you can go to water is my healing energy. I will be honest. Talk about like customizing your plan. My biggest grounding is putting my feet in the water. I just love it. So find a body of water, make sure it's not contaminated with nastiness. But you get my point. Find somewhere you can put your feet in. This is your homework. I want you to check back. Speaker 1: (11:34) I want you to email me. I'll put my email in the in the show notes there. It's always there. And I want you to tell me where you grounded this week. Find a grounding spot. And I would like you to ground your feet somewhere special for 20 minutes and see how you feel after. Check in before say, what's my level? And you should try it when you're actually like stressed out or feeling a little, eh. And then I want you to go ground yourself and I want you to do one to 10 before. Pick your number and one to 10 after. How do you feel? Practice this little exercise and get back to me. Now this one, I find some of my clients love, like super love and some of them were like, not my. So number eight, consider journaling. Writing in a journal can be a very helpful tool. Speaker 1: (12:21) I'm a hu I've been writing since I was like outta the womb. So this is one of my jams. But it really is a great way to process your thoughts and emotions. It allows you to express yourself freely, right? I just, I just think of it as like, just let your brain go. Just write. Don't think about it. Don't think about what you're writing. Just free write and you gain insight into your experiences because it's almost like you're subconscious when you let it go like that. And you're not editing what you're saying or holding back, it's just you in that pen. And sometimes it takes practice to get so free, but it's just like your subconscious starts to pour out and you're like, wow, you might realize something you didn't even know about yourself just by doing this practice. So I recommend it. It's not for everybody, but give it a go. Speaker 1: (13:07) Give all these things a go. And you can also, in your emails to me this week, I wanna, I wanna see a lot of emails, okay? I want you to tell me where you're grounding your big toe and which of these techniques do you feel really resonates with you and will be the most beneficial? Hit me up at Fierce Mama. See at Gmail. But I'll put in the show notes if you wanna work with yours truly. I obviously have my own experience. I have a lot of tools to help you. You can find my one-on-one coaching session link in the show notes. So if you wanna set up a call, let's do it. And I look forward to hearing from you. See you in the next episode. Oh wait, you thought you were gonna get away with not doing some affirmations? All right, we're gonna do Hand on the Heart. I think more people need to hear this one. We're gonna say this again even though we've said it, and maybe two episodes. But it's a very important for us to hear my feelings matter. My feelings are important. I know my truth. Speaker 2: (14:20) Hmm. Speaker 1: (14:20) Hope that felt good. I am with you. Okay, I am with you. I will see you in the next episode and have a beautiful day.

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Speaker 1: (00:00) Hello. Hello. Today's episode's gonna be a little more casual, a little unplanned, a little cross your fingers. Let's hope something good comes out of this. Just kidding. Stay tuned. We're gonna dive into walking on eggshells. Speaker 1: (00:16) Hey Queens, welcome to, but Still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:14) So this is something I definitely went through with the narcissist in my life and every client I've had, every person I've had reach out. This tends to be something we all have in common, that with the narcissist, you are basically trained to have to walk on eggshells. Why? I don't know. Because the, the more you may go against them or not agree with them or just do what you want to do, the worse the consequences are, whether that's emotional, physical, whatever type of abuse. And this honestly could go for any type of a abuse, not just narcissistic abuse, but especially with narcissists. Man, it is their way or the highway. And we learn that we have to sacrifice our own wants, our own needs in order to placate them. I grew up pretty scared of somebody in my life. I grew up, I'll be honest, terrified because I was scared if I said the wrong thing made the wrong move, that person would explode. Speaker 1: (02:25) And it was a very scary experience. Every day I had to walk around on eggshells, right? That's a saying, walking on eggshells. And this was all, I honestly knew. I didn't realize the severity of how it would impact my entire life moving forward, even after I wasn't in this narcissist life anymore. So today we're gonna talk about how to change your mindset because it's not just kind of like, oh, here's a tip to not have to walk on eggshells, right? Like it's a whole mindset shift. So I thought, let's dig into it. I don't, like I said, I don't really have bullet points here, but I'm just gonna talk about my experience, what helped me and it, I'm so passionate about this. I may do another episode on it, but I just wanted to just have, have like a heart to heart with you guys about this because this is, something comes up, like I said, my clients are like, oh, I have to walk on eggshells. Speaker 1: (03:21) And then it bleeds into our lives. So when we are even out of the relationship, whether it's someone in your childhood, whether it's a romantic situation, you have really been conditioned to sacrifice your wants and needs. And we have these fears built in now of upsetting the narcissist. Yes. But it bleeds into our life of we now are often afraid of conflict. In my experience, I will say this, I'm a bold, fierce lady, okay? I've always had a stronger personality. So for me, this showed up just with a certain type of personality. I had no trouble with certain people saying, Hey, this is how I feel. But it was only people I felt safe with. The thing is, when you have grown up and are around narcissists, there can be a likelihood that you will attract and be comfortable with selfish people or people who are their way or the highway, because you are used to that personality, right? Speaker 1: (04:26) So we, and we're empathetic, right? A lot of narcissists will pick the empathetic, sensitive, I know how to pull your heartstrings type people so we can attract those people in our lives, right? It's not our fault. We're freaking awesome, but it, it can be a thing. So shining a light on the knowledge that you are afraid of having conflict, maybe it's only with certain type of people or certain personalities. A looking at that and saying, I know why I'm like that and I want to change that is like a first step, wanting to change something, like realizing it. I didn't realize it until I was out of the situation and was like, wow, I thought I was so fierce and bold, but let me look at my relationships with this person, this person, this person. There was some people in my life that I was really afraid and got that visceral reaction of nervousness to bring anything up to them. Speaker 1: (05:24) Whether it was just a dim difference in opinion, or if they said, we're going here at 10 o'clock, and I was like, man, I, I really wanna go at 12 cuz X, Y, z. I'd be afraid to say that because I knew I would get quote punished, right? Narcissist or selfish. People can often controlling people, I'll say, can often punish us for not doing exactly what they want, when they want, right? So that happened with a friend of mine where we were supposed to go somewhere. Let's say it was 11. She called the morning of and said, Hey, can we go an hour earlier? And I said, oh, we won't be ready by then. I, I think we had to drive, we weren't living in town something. There was something there where I was like, there, there's no way we could get there. And she said, oh, well then I'll just take my other friend. Speaker 1: (06:11) And those, those are signs of people that honestly they're not for me. We can all choose our own friends, but that is a personality I don't want. It was almost like, well if it's not convenient for me anymore, she last minute changed the time. And then because I couldn't do that kind of quote, punished me, I look at it, at it as it ended up being a punishment here, I had told my daughter we were going on this trip with them and then she canceled, right? Same thing happened with a friend we were supposed to go on a trip with. I told my daughter it was to Disney and then she said Nevermind. She was gonna invite her neighbors that were closer in age because it wouldn't be fun to have my daughter who is a little younger, two years and five years I think younger than her kids to do that. Speaker 1: (07:01) Like it wouldn't be as fun or convenient basically. And that I was, I was really upset by that. And this is, these are just examples of things for me that I'm just not here for anymore. This, these are people that are looking out for themselves. I'm not saying this particular person was a narcissist. I'm just saying when we are used to narcissistic people, we are used to selfish people. We're used to people that wanna do what's good for them and don't really compromise all of that sort of thing, right? So here comes the mindset shift. This is like these people, these types of people. When you get that reaction, when you feel like you are afraid to bring something up and it's strong, it might be the person that you're dealing with, right? It might be this isn't a great person to be in your life if you feel like they're gonna have a big reaction or punish you for having a different mindset or a different idea or not being able to do exactly what they want. Speaker 1: (08:01) On the other hand, if you're straight out of an narcissistic situation, you may have fears all together about upsetting anybody because you're just so used to that, right? So you do have to kind of discern the difference. But this is where you will have to push yourself a little. This is where the work comes in, right? We talk about the work of healing. This is an example when you feel that nervousness, especially if it's not the strong one you might get with certain personalities, but let's say it's with someone you like and know and trust, but you're like, I don't wanna cause a problem, right? This is where you do have to push yourself. And there are ways to say things nicely out of love where you can have these conversations like, you know, setting boundaries, bringing things up that you know, maybe someone has done something and you wanna bring it up. Speaker 1: (08:53) You can bring it up in a gentle way. Here is where the mindset shift is, okay? You have to know the people that are on your team, the people that want the best for you, they are going to have a healthy conversation with you. And that's what I don't think I realized because I had grown up with some unhealthy people in my life where conversations weren't healthy. So I didn't really know that existed till later in life, right? Like my husband is a prime example of somebody who can have a very healthy conversation. Will people get defensive? We're human. Yes. But there's a difference between getting like a little defensive right away if you bring something up cuz no one wants to hear like, oh this thing bothered me. Of course it doesn't feel good, but it's like, oh okay. They might, you know, seem a little taken aback, but it's what they do with that and how they handle it. Speaker 1: (09:47) And I'm telling you, there are great amazing people in the world that can have healthy conversations. I think when we've gone through abuse, when we had certain people around us in our lives, it's kind of like, that's all we know. And for me, that's what I believed was out there. And there was a whole idea of, oh well I've known this person for so long, so, and that's just them like excusing it. I will be honest, when I cut the narcissist out of my life, it was a total shift for me because I realized how much better I felt in my body. I wasn't scared anymore. I wasn't walking on eggshells. I had peace that I had never felt in my entire life. And I was like, I want more of this feeling. And I started to see there were a few other people in my life that were causing me that same feeling of feeling scared, of feeling like I have to walk on eggshells. Speaker 1: (10:46) And I was like, homey, don't wanna play that anymore. So homey didn't play that anymore. Was that a hard thing to do? Yes. I I, I don't recommend doing it all in the same day or anything, but um, having conversations about this, bringing this up, it will highlight who is a healthy individual and who is not. And if someone has a really bad reaction, it just gets worse and worse. That's not a fit for me, queen. It's not a fit for you either. It shouldn't be cuz you are here on my podcast because you want peace and you want freedom when you have to tiptoe or walk on eggshells around friends, family, romantic partner because you are afraid of their reactions that shows you do not have the right people in your life. And if it's a thing where you're just nervous about making anyone upset, that, like I said, you have to push yourself to have these conversations and do it anyway to see the response and then you evaluate from there. Speaker 1: (11:50) And you know, there are people out there. I'm telling you on the other end of this, I have a, a whole new set of friends and uh, I still have a lot of old friends. It wasn't like I had all horrible friends or anything. Um, but I do, I have new friends that I met later in my life in the last five, six years even, um, that are so uplifting that don't talk, people that don't gossip that I am not afraid to have a conversation with. We've had tough conversations. Sometimes we might say, oh, they might bring something up to me. I might bring something up to them. It's not often cuz we're all awesome queens and I'm just kidding. But if something comes up, it's like I'm not afraid and they're not afraid. We just talk to each other about it and move on. Speaker 1: (12:38) You know, it seems like what it should be. But I didn't really know that existed until later in life, especially with like close friends, right? I kind of thought, oh, you're close, you're gonna have problems. There's gonna be drama. I have had, I would what? I would not categorize any of my things with friends as drama. I don't have drama in my life like that anymore. And I used to, I used to have friend drama until I, I cut 'em all out. Um, because, and it, it sounds cold and I get that because now I'm on the other end of it. I will tell you, it was devastating to me even to have to cut people outta my life that I had been friends with for, oh gosh, half my life in some cases. But it just wasn't working anymore. It was devastating. You know, I'm human. Speaker 1: (13:27) I did shed a tear or two over some relationships. It's still a loss, but no, it's scarier than like getting a bad response from somebody or like being so afraid in those moments. Now it's scarier to me to not have my peace. And it's like once you have this sort of, this level of peace in your life, I'm terrified to not have it. You know? It's like, so I get to control that now. And you get to too, I get to decide who is allowed in my space. I get to decide who I spend my time with, you know? And it, it's become a lot more clear to me and I listen to my body, you know, all of this yoga, meditation, this really helps you get more in tuned with your body. And if you listen to your body, it's gonna tell you if somebody is good for you in your life or not. Speaker 1: (14:20) You know, e I can think even when I was dating a not so great guy back in the day, in my twenties, my body told me all the time, but I just ignored it. I'm like, but I love him, right? The good times are so good. But overall I was, I, I wasn't comfortable. I didn't feel good overall. I felt like I was walking on eggshells at time trying to get more like approval or something. It was just like not healthy at all. So you have to listen to your body and if you're walking on eggshells with everybody, you know, you should get therapy. You could or you could work with me. We can work on that stuff. That's something that is something you can fix, right? I have worked with clients working through that, just that they have low self-esteem or they feel like they have to prove their worth or they're scared because of their past situations. Speaker 1: (15:17) We can work through that. But again, if you're brave enough, you can start those conversations. You can have gentle conversations where you may say, you know, I'm changing. And I like, for example, I had a friend and I felt like she wasn't being so nice raising her voice at me, stuff like that. And I had changed and I don't accept people yelling at me anymore, right? Like I did my whole life until a few years ago. So I said, I really, I just, I don't wanna be talked down to or yelled at. And she had said, well, I can't help it. And that was kind of the beginning of the end there. A little more happened. But it was this light bulb in my head of like, that sucks. And maybe she can't, but that doesn't mean I have to take it. It's something I have decided I don't want in my life. Speaker 1: (16:08) I can't brush off being yelled at. I went through my life being yelled at and I just, I want peace, I want calm, I want, I mean peace. That's like the best word to describe it. You get to decide that and you have to know you're worth it and that it's out there. So there's two factors. It's building up your self-confidence and your self-worth of like, I know I deserve better. I know I deserve friends that make me feel good and don't make me feel scared and like I have to walk on eggshells or I know I deserve a partner that treats me well and can have healthy conversations. And then there's the aspect of, you know, pushing yourself. And yes, you may have to have hard conversations and you may distance relationships or you may disconnect completely from people. But again, for me on the other side, I can tell you it is so much scarier to stay in those relationships and have to walk on eggshells then to imagine my life now without the peace I have. Speaker 1: (17:05) Ugh, peace is, peace is underrated, man. No, it's just when you have peace, your whole, your whole body changes, your, your whole life changes. When you get to having this level of peace, it's, it's like blissful. Is there that happens? Yes. My life is not perfect. I have problems like anybody else. Things come up, external things that I can't control happen. But you have such a different perspective and my stress level is so much less than when I lived in that constant fear on top of everything else that goes on in the world, right? Like there's already enough out there guys. We don't need to add a layer of always feeling like we're afraid to do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing or upset somebody. Here's another news flash. We can't please everybody. We can't make everybody happy. We can't save everybody and we're not going to be able to make everyone happy all the time. Speaker 1: (18:00) And we may upset people, we may hurt people like it's human. And if we do be accountable, apologize, have a healthy conversation, do better the next time we're growing. So you can't be perfect and living in fear is the worst way to live. It's just the worst way. So that's, that's kind of, I guess my ramble today. It was pretty rambly. But welcome to me. And I want you guys though to really understand that mindset of like, I deserve better and I know more is out there. And, and if you're not there yet, try to believe that. Put that into your affirmations every day. I know there are healthy people that would love to be in my life. I'm gonna surround myself with healthy, uplifting people, those type of affirmations every single day. And watch this, this works. I did it . So I don't know, I just really felt it on my heart to share this message today. Speaker 1: (18:52) I hope it helps you. I hope it gives you a little bit of faith. Sometimes it helps to see someone on the other side. I can vouch there are amazing people and it's only because I dropped out the people that were stifling me and opened my world up and like opening up and making space for people that were uplifting and are healthier for me. And I cannot tell you the joy and the peace it has brought me. And I want that for all of you guys. So anyway, we will see you in the next episode and let's end with some affirmations. Maybe we'll do a little bit of, uh, I am deserving of healthy relationships. Now you say it. And I am full of joy and peace. Speaker 1: (19:44) And of course we'll end with I am a queen, a queen of peace, right? All right, I will see you in the next episode. And don't forget, today is the last day to sign up. Actually, I'll extend it to Friday tomorrow, just in case you hear this a little later. You're on the other side of the world or something. But I will extend it through Friday. But it is the last time I will be offering my special pricing on a one-on-one coaching session and my blueprint for the journey to piece program. It is only $97 down from 200. It will not go this low again. So I wanna throw that out there if you're looking to work with me in some capacity, definitely you wanna sign up for this. I will put the link in my show notes, a k, a podcast description. So go check it out. Join, I'd love to help you and work with you. Have a beautiful day.

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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233

SUICIDE HOTLINE: just dial 988

Speaker 1: (00:00) Welcome back to the Effects of Narcissistic Abuse series here on, but still she thrives. And today we are gonna focus on helping heal depression. Depression is a very real thing. I've gone through it myself. It can be a dark place. Some symptoms of depression are low energy, feeling very sad and hopeless. Thoughts of self-harm or suicide, irritability, changes in eating behavior, sleeping changes, loss of interest in hobbies and activities. Just not feeling up to doing the things we like to do and difficulty concentrating or even just making simple decisions. I do wanna start this episode out saying if you have depression and it is out of control, having any self harm or suicidal thoughts, you feel like you just can't get out of it, I would like you to seek help. If you are having suicidal thoughts, please call the suicide hotline. I will put the phone number in my show notes. Speaker 1: (00:56) If you have depression and it's not exactly to that level, but you really want help, I highly advise seeking therapy. And don't forget that there is online therapy. If you don't find someone that's a good fit locally, there is always online options. So let's dive into some of the ways you can help to accelerate your healing with depression after narcissistic abuse. As we know, recovering from narcissistic abuse is a very complex and challenging journey. I mean, that's a given. That's why I'm here. That's why I have this podcast, right? But it can lead to really deep emotional wounds, including depression. So the effects of this type of abuse can have a huge impact on your mental health and your physical health, right? So it's very important to remember that healing and reclaiming that inner happiness, which is possible, I promise. It is possible. It's having that faith, right? Speaker 1: (01:47) So today we're gonna explore strategies to help you support your recovery through this journey. Number one, first, as I mentioned, please seek professional help if you have depression. This can be a hard hole to climb out of, and it's very difficult to do alone. It's a serious mental health condition. And it often does require that professional support. So, like I said, reach out to a qualified therapist, find someone locally, find someone online. There are so many options with the internet now, so reach out and get help. It is not weak. And especially if this has been ongoing, it's really important to have support. There can be a stigma against therapy, or maybe you had a bad experience with a therapist. I urge you to try again. It is kind of like dating. It's not always gonna be the first therapist that you go into their office. Speaker 1: (02:36) It's a perfect match, right? I have gone through a couple where I was just like, what in tarnation? Did I just say Tarnation? Does anyone say Tarnation? I don't think that's a thing we should say no. But, uh, one experience I had, I literally was like, how is this person a therapist? Right? So you may have to kind of date around, but it is worth the effort to find somebody who can fully support you and help you on this journey. Because like I said, you really do need support. Number two, practice self-compassion. This one is hard sometimes, especially if you're like, you know, knee deep in depression. You don't have tons of compassion. But really try to be gentle with yourself. You know, the self-compassion is essential to counteracting the negative beliefs that have entered your brain and caused this cycle, right? Um, you've been told a lot of things for a long time. Speaker 1: (03:28) Probably if you are under the thumb or were under the thumb of a narcissist. So undoing that damage is not going to be overnight, but it is possible. And during the journey, you need to treat yourself with kindness, understanding, and forgiveness. Often we will blame ourselves first because narcissists blame us. So we take on that role. Second, even if we get out of it and we look back going, what did I do here? What did I do to my children? And it's like we put this guilt trip on ourselves. We do not need that extra guilt queen. Okay? You don't need that. Forgive yourself. It's okay. You did your best, right? You did the best with what you had. We all don't know the answers. We, we aren't born with a handbook. So I want you to give yourself grace, and I want you stop feeling guilty. Speaker 1: (04:10) Forgive yourself so you can make the room for that self-compassion. Now, what does that look like? Positive self-talk, right? I do this with my clients. It may sound simple, but I am telling you it works when you repeat affirmations over and over when you do the tapping, when you do any of these mindfulness activities to help retrain your brain to think positive thoughts that replace those negative thoughts, it will benefit you. Even if even in a few minutes, it'll benefit you. And over time, if you're repeating that every day, every night, whatever it is, it's going to have really long-term lasting effects and completely change your mindset and your confidence. So do all the self-talk and all the self-care too. What does that look like? I am big on yoga, especially yin yoga for trauma, re related things, getting outside in nature, exercising, just moving it all dancing. Speaker 1: (05:07) Nine is hip hop high up on my list. , anything you can do to get out of that head and in your body. I will tell you this, when I was going through some narcissistic abuse years ago, I was so d like I'm talking about my depressed time. I, I had a really depressed era. I will call it unrecognizable to myself or to other people. I am normally a, you know, bright, bubbly, yay, I'm the clown of the show. Do, do, do do. I was not. I was depressed. I was cut off from the world. I was laying in bed. I had gone through something else in my life and just all of it on top was just too much and I just felt like a big gray cloud. One of the things that helped me, actually, it's one of the main things, I will be honest, because I said I have to pull myself out of this. I really honestly didn't wanna go on medication. And that may have been stupid. Speaker 2: (05:56) I don't know. That was me. It was years ago. I just didn't want to. So I was like, well, if I'm not gonna go on medication, then I need to drag myself out of this. So I started just exploring what I could to get myself out of my head, right? I mean, listening to sad songs was not helping. So what did I do? I actually took my radio out of my room cuz I would sit there and just sit, listen to sad songs. Like that's what that is. Not helpful. Little tip on the side there. But what I did do was, first of all, I signed up for a class to just get me out of bed. It was a daily class at the community college just to get me outta bed. This is before I had a family or anything. Cause I was in my, I guess 19, 18, 19 years old. Speaker 2: (06:39) And also I'm committed to myself. You are going to get your butt out of bed every morning and run. I was not a runner, I just wasn't. I didn't even like running, but I knew I had to move my body and I had to get out of my head. It is huge in healing. So getting out in nature, moving your body, signing up for something fun you can look forward to, these are all some really great ways to care for yourself. Self-care. Yay. Number three is an important one. Building a supportive network. Especially when you have gone through abuse and you have been isolated from people you loved. This can happen very frequently, especially when you're in romantic situations with with a narcissist. Uh, that is one of their tactics to control you. They will isolate you, keep you from your peeps, and it's time to reconnect to the people you love. Speaker 2: (07:30) If they treat you well. If not building a new community, building a new supportive network. This can look like just joining a local. Let's say you're a mom. I know I have a lot of moms here joining a local mom's group. Going out, making the effort. Even if you don't feel like it, get those shoes on. Put some red lipstick on and go out and meet people and meet uplifting people. Joining meetup.com is actually a great place. I've gone, I actually made some great friends on meetup.com. I love Meetup because they have specific groups for specific interests. So let's say you're an avid book reader, they have book groups, book clubs, whatever. What else? Uh, if you're into yoga, they may have yoga or meditation, mindfulness type things. If you love cooking, they have cooking groups. If you love to travel, they have travel groups. Speaker 2: (08:19) So you can categorize it, you can filter it by location and interest and, you've got a built-in support. It's amazing. So my personal opinion when you're healing from abuse and isolation is to do those in-person things. Yes, there's online groups. I advise you can join those as well. But I will be honest, to really heal and get out of your head and out of your house, , cuz you wanna get out in the world and be living. I highly recommend in-person groups. And again, that could look, that could even be at the gym striking up conversation. You might have to put your neck out, which is a little hard after you've been a victim of narcissistic abuse. But that's what I'm here for. This is what I help my clients with, right? Like this is the stuff we work on. So if you're interested in working with me, I actually have extended my special pricing for my journey to piece call and blueprint. Speaker 2: (09:11) So it's normally 200, it is 97, I'm extending that this week. So because you're a podcast listener, you are getting special pricing. So you can look at that link. I will put it in my show notes in the podcast description. But basically this is stuff we work on When you work one-on-one with me doing all of this stuff, figuring it out, any questions you have, any guidance you need, any support. That is what I'm here for. Number four, so important is setting boundaries. We've talked about this a lot. It's one of my favorite things to talk about. I'm a boundary queen. But establishing and enforcing these healthy boundaries, right? Not just saying this is my boundary, but actually living up to it and making sure it happens and you stick to it is crucial in protecting your mental health during this time. Narcissistic abusers often disregard boundaries, which can perpetuate the feelings of helplessness that you have. Speaker 2: (10:05) And they can exacerbate your depression, which we don't want that queen. We don't have time for depression, right? We have a big badass life to live. Again, this is something I help with my clients because a lot of narcissistic abuse victims are kind of people pleasers or maybe have fears around the narcissist. So we work on ways how to really stay strong in your boundaries. So practice saying no when necessary and surround yourself with people who respect and support your boundaries, right? That's helpful. Number five, engage in self-reflection and healing activities. So we gotta do a little reflection on this journey just a little bit, right? So reflect on your experiences. Explore how has this impacted me? What is this abusive relationship done? Sometimes it's not fun to look at this, but it's very important. In order to heal, you've gotta shine a light on what it is, okay? Speaker 2: (10:56) So engaging in those activities helps your personal growth. You can do, and we've talked about this on many episodes, but we'll repeat it, journaling, art therapy. Again, all those good mindful activities like affirmations, yoga, meditation, and these activities will help you process your emotions while you're doing them. Even doing yin yoga where you are just sitting in poses for three to five minutes, that is helping you process the things that you have gone through. It is amazing to me. Ah, I just love this work. Number six, celebrating those small victories. I think we talked about this a little bit with anxiety too, but with depression, even the simplest task can feel so challenging. And I've noticed that even with myself back in the day. And then with current clients I have where you may be out of your situation, but you have a lack of energy, a lack of motivation that comes with the healing process, right? So even those simple Speaker 3: (11:52) Tasks can feel like, oh, so heavy. So celebrate each small victory along this journey. I want you to just clap for yourself. You can get an accountability partner where you can ask one of your friends every day in the morning or in the evening, just text each other three things you're grateful for and one win you had that week. And as you grow, you will see, you'll wanna do even more. You'll think of even more things. It's kind of just practicing this new muscle in your brain that's like, Hey, look, I'm winning at life. We love winning and sharing. Winning is great and your friend will love it too. So find a friend that is uplifting and loving and say, let's do this every day. I mean, who does not wanna start the day or end their day with happiness and victories and gratitude? I mean, that being said, if we have some setbacks, that's okay. Speaker 3: (12:45) Be gentle with yourself. Remember, it takes time. This healing process takes time. Every effort counts. So it's not perfection, it's progress and it's the effort you put in and that you're trying. That's so important. Do you know what a big deal it is that you're even doing this? This is amazing that you are here on my podcast. You are doing the work, you are self-aware and you are going to heal, and we're gonna make it fun. So remember that recovering from depression after narcissistic abuse especially, it is a gradual and individualized process. So seek the help, find a support group, be compassionate with yourself. Set those boundaries. You've gotta do a little self-reflection. I'm sorry, it's part of the process. Prioritize that self-care and celebrate the victories and have gratitude every day and be kind to yourself during it, during this whole process. Okay, what? What do we wanna end with? Let's think of some good old Christy, Jade affirmations. All right, hands on your heart, but if you're driving, keep your hands on your wheel. All right, take a nice breath. Hands on heart. I am healing. I am so proud of how far I've come. I am strong. I am a queen. It's true. I'll end with that. Like I said, it is the last week, but I did wanna extend my special pricing to you guys before my daughter is out of school, and I will less time to do one-on-one session. So grab it if you want it. It's in the show notes, podcast description, whatever you wanna call it. And I hope you all have a beautiful couple of days until we meet again in our next episode. Smooches and Ds.

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This week we talk about How to Help Heal Anxiety and Fear After Narcissistic Abuse

Let me help you with 1:1 coaching special pricing for the month of May with VIP PRICING!

One spot left!

https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/

GET ON MY WAITLIST FOR MY UPCOMING COURSE:

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Join my free facebook group here:

https://facebook.com/groups/christyjade

Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?

Grab my E-Course here:

https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse

And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 

https://christyjade.com/

Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!

fiercemamac@gmail.com  

Let's connect on social media!

https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/

https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy

After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233

 

TRANSCRIPT

FINAL But Still She Thrives Ep 34 Am I the Toxic One - The Answer You May Not Expect arrow_backDashboard   Quality:High All changes saved on Temi seconds ago. more_horiz DownloadShare   11:54                     00:00   Offset 11:53 18:35 Play replay_5 Back 5s 1x Speed   volume_up Volume   NOTES   Speaker 1   00:00 Today is a juicy topic. Am I the toxic one? I have been asked that. I see it all over narcissistic Facebook pages. People wanna know, am I the toxic one? And I've got some answers for you.   Speaker 1   00:16 Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mindf? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace.   Speaker 1   01:14 I am so excited to do this episode because A, we often will be made out to be the crazy one, the toxic one, right? The narcissist in our life will put blame on us. We know that. But once we get out and we're on the other side, especially, we may say, Hey, maybe I wasn't all these things. So I'm gonna dig in. There's two answers to this. There's a no, none of this is your fault and you are not the narcissist. Like if you are even asking, am I the narcissist, you're probably not because narcissists are not self-aware. They don't even think they could be a narcissist. So the odds of that are very low. Do you have any toxic traits by nature or that have been formed because of your relationship? Maybe. So let's dig in. So like I said, the fact you're here, you're trying to learn, you're trying to grow, is a very not narcissistic trait, right?   Speaker 1   02:11 It's also a not so toxic person trait. Does that mean you are free of any toxic tendencies that may be due to toxic relationships in your childhood, in your romantic hood, in your friendships, whatever it is that you learned or used as a response to someone else's toxic trait? Maybe. So we're gonna ask some questions. You can ask these questions to yourself and be honest, truly dig in. If you wanna figure out am I the toxic one? Do I have any toxic traits, right? The first one, are you only concerned with yourself? So this is a big narcissistic trait and it can be a toxic person trait. In general. Are you concerned with yourself? Are you self-absorbed? Everything's all about you. Everything always comes back to talking about you or your feelings, whatever, whatever odds are. If you are with a narcissist, you are probably sort of the opposite, A people pleaser.   Speaker 1   03:07 But once you are out of this situation or nearing getting out, you may start to build up that confidence and start to say, Hey, what about me? And that's great. I love that you're a queen. Do more of that. And at some point though, the the pendulum may swing the other way where you get like, wow, this is my time and it is your time. You get that self-care, but don't lose your, the sweet part of you, right? Like don't lose that caring for other people. Don't throw other people under the bus. All of that. You wanna still have that balance. But yes, it's time for that self-care and that does not mean selfish. There is a difference. Self-care is not selfish. So asking yourself, am I selfish in general, digging into that, if you are all about you and selfish, you can get help.   Speaker 1   03:54 There are ways to get out of that. You can seek therapy, read self-help books on how to start having more empathy or sympathy and caring more about others. The next question, do you always think you are right? Think about this. In any conflict that comes up with your romantic partner, with friends, with family members, do you ever say, Hey, you know, that might be my fault, or Hey, I'm sorry, I could totally see even though maybe I didn't tend it that way. I see how that could hurt you and I'm really, really sorry. Or hey, yeah, I jacked up, right? Think about, are you always right in an argument in conflict? If so, you have to dive into that. That is a very narcissistic trait. Doesn't mean you're a narcissist if you have trouble saying, sorry, not always. Again, that can be part of something else.   Speaker 1   04:46 Other disorders or can be related to trauma, whatever it is, it is somewhat of a toxic trait, right? Because you want to be able to say, Hey, I recognize I'm not perfect and that's okay and I'm gonna be accountable and I'm gonna say I'm sorry and I don't wanna hurt the people in my life. I don't have to always be right. This is a good one. Do you manipulate people to get what you want? Is that a pattern in your life? That is a, a very, very clear sign of narcissism. That is one of the ones for me, is like a huge red flag When I meet people, if there is any manipulation or coercion, not minding other people's feelings, but all about, again, that goes back to narcissist a lot are all about themselves and having control, right? So they will control others, they will do whatever they need to manipulate, gaslight, lie, whatever they need to do to get what they want.   Speaker 1   05:44 So ask yourself, do I have a pattern of manipulating people or coercing people or trying to get people to do what I want all the time? If so, that is definitely toxic unless you're in, in the courtroom, cuz that's part of your job, . But if that bleeds out into your personal life, even if you are a lawyer, that is something you should definitely work on and seek help for. Are you always angry? Step back and think, am I always angry and taking it out on other people, right? We're gonna have emotions, we're gonna have anger, we're gonna have sadness, we're gonna have joy, we're gonna have all these emotions. But what is it that you do with it counts, right? And if you are angry all the time, that doesn't necessarily mean you're a narcissist or a toxic person. It could be due to you having resentment because you were the victim of abuse.   Speaker 1   06:32 But what's important is to go get the help to release that negative energy. Okay? So getting therapy for something like that is really important. But think about, yes, that's a toxic trait, especially if you are taking it out on other people. And a lot of narcissists, they do have a lot of anger inside. They have a lot of depression. There's a lot of really dark feelings inside of a narcissist buried. Some are buried very deeply, but they come out in the form of treat mistreating other people, right? So are you mistreating other people due to your own emotions? If so, that can be a sign of narcissism, it can be a sign of many other things. And again, any of these traits, if they're coming up and they're, you're saying yes to these, it's time to get that help. That can be, you know, you can self-learn with books and podcasts, but you can also get accelerated help.   Speaker 1   07:22 And what I love in my life is therapy or coaching this. This one, I want you to think deep here because codependency is a thing. This may hit more people than any of the others. If you are a victim of narcissistic abuse and you're like, am I the toxic one? Something that happens to us as victims is codependency. And sometimes that can radiate where we actually then become codependent in other relationships. And even if we're disconnected from another situation, we seek out codependent relationships in friendships, in romantic ships. So you have to ask yourself, are you trying to make a new friend or a new boyfriend or girlfriend, whatever, someone in your life, are you trying to set it up so you are kind of codependent on each other? Are you trying to get someone all to yourself? This can come up more, I would say, more than a lot of these others, other things, even though you may not intentionally be doing it.   Speaker 1   08:28 I want you to think about this one. Are you in some way coercing? Whether it's intentional or not saying, oh no, don't go out with her. I had a friend like this and I don't think it was ill intended. And I thought at the time it was sweet, right? I was used to kind of co-dependent relationships in my life. And she would say things like, oh, you don't need to go out with such and such. You have me. Come on, we're all, we're all we need, da, da, da, right? Like Bonnie and Clyde. And it felt good to feel special. And I don't think she was doing it intentionally, but she constantly did that to a point I started to feel really weird. I'm like, I'm an extrovert with a lot of friends and I do want other friends and I don't wanna be isolated with just one best friend in my life.   Speaker 1   09:11 So if you notice that someone's doing that to you, it's time to be aware of that, that that is not healthy. It seems fun and it's, it's great to have a best friend, but to only have like one person in your life is a sign that of codependency, which is not healthy. And if you are on the other end and you're saying, oh wait, I kind of do do that. I didn't realize it. Well now you realize it. Yay. Don't we love self-awareness? Woohoo. So you can start to step away from that start to, once you look at something, you start healing and you start to be able to change it, right? So think about it. Think about your relationships in your life. Again, this could be family members, this could be your best friend, this could be your romantic partner. When your romantic partner, let's say, wants to go do something, do you guilt trip them?   Speaker 1   10:01 Oh, but I want you to spend time with me, da da, da. Right? Why is that? That's coming from some insecurity in you. Unless there's some big pattern and they're out like every day and don't spend any time with you. But think about that and stop doing it, queen. It's not a good look. All right? Do you humiliate your partner or others especially, I mean at all is like, don't do that, girl, don't do that. But do you do it in front of other people? That is a big sign. That is a narcissistic trait I have seen where they feel really good to put someone down. Like it builds them up somehow to put others down, especially in front of other people. It's a control. Weird tactic. I hate it. It's gross, it's yucky. I have a family member that does this and it, oh, it just cringe, cringe.   Speaker 1   10:49 Cringes me. Every time I see it, it's like, oh look, look, I'm gonna embarrass my wife, right? It's just really gross. But do you do that? Do you? And they play it off as a joke, right? There's nothing funny about being mean or disrespectful or humiliating somebody in front of other people or at all. But think about that. That is a toxic trait. And these might even just be bringing things up. If you're listening here to my podcast, usually it's because you're a victim of narcissistic abuse or some type of abuse, right? So this may be coming up as, oh my gosh, my person did that, you know, or I have a friend who does that all the time. Guess what? That not okay. And the whole, oh, I'm just joking, I'm just joking. No, I, and I'm one, I have tough skin, okay?   Speaker 1   11:34 I've got very thick skin. But when there's a pattern, and I had a friend like this too that would always make fun of me, like little jabs and, and I took it, I have very thick skin, but at one point they made fun of a physical feature of mine in front of a bunch of people. And that was the last time, we'll just say that fierce Christy here. I don't tolerate that, right? Other things, it was more like funny kind of embarrassing stories, but a story I would tell anyway, you know? And it was a frequent thing that this person would do. But when it came to like basically making fun of a physical feature that I could not change and didn't wanna change cuz God loves me as me, um, that hit way differently. And I saw then the pattern and was like, none of this is okay.   Speaker 1   12:21 I'm realizing now she gets a rise out of this. You know? So we had a conversation. She of course did not respond well. And that can happen too, right? How do people respond when you do bring something to their attention that, so you can also ask this question, which I didn't have written down here, but how do I respond when someone comes to me with a concern or hurt? How do I respond? Do I say, I'm sorry you feel that way, da da da. You try to explain and talk it through, or do you get defensive right away? So being really defensive, that does not mean you're a narcissist. First of all, a lot of people get defensive in life. It never feels good for someone to come at us with a criticism. But healthy people can stop, even if at first you get defensive can take a minute and say, okay, let me process this.   Speaker 1   13:07 Let's talk this out, right? But if you have a pattern of responding with that, like, I can't believe you're coming at me with this. Oh my God, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then not taking accountability, like we talked about earlier, that's, that is a toxic thing. So where do you stand in that? Or maybe you're on the other end where you're like, woo, thank God I'm out of that situation where that person never came or when I came to them, never came back at me with love and respect. And in general, do you treat people poorly? How do you treat weight stuff? How do you treat the mailman? How do you treat people walking by in the grocery store that accidentally bump your cart? You know, do you treat people nicely and kindly and give them grace? We all have our moments, right? We're human.   Speaker 1   13:52 But in general, do you treat people nicely? A lot of narcissists, they may on the surface seem charismatic and friendly, but if you watch them very closely, they will mistreat people. And you will see the arrogance come out mostly, most times. Now, these last two are more like common. If you are the victim of narcissistic abuse, this can be a result. So are you a Debbie Downer? And are you in that victim mindset? And this can happen, and I get it, I do understand, but you do have to work on this. And this is stuff I love to work on with my clients, taking them from feeling like a victim to feeling empowered and like, f this, I got this, nobody's gonna change my life and make me negative. Nancy over here, Debbie Downer, negative Nancy, all the names, because I get to take my control back and I want a life of peace and joy.   Speaker 1   14:42 So it's shifting that mindset and I love doing that. So this can be a result of your situations, right? Then do something about it. I'm a doer, I'm an action taker as my clients are. If you're not gonna wanna take action and you wanna wallow in what happened and feel sorry for yourself, which I get it. I mean, I feel sorry for all of us, right? But we gotta do something about it because life is too short to sit and roll around in it and not do anything and not step forward at all. You know? And there is a time period, there is a grace period where you can really release all that and let it out and let it go. And then it's time to say, okay, what do I want? Now I do, I know what I don't want. Who do I wanna be now 2.0 me.   Speaker 1   15:25 Okay? So yes, if you're a Debbie Downer, that could be a cause, like a, a result. I mean, that could be a result. So get some help, holler at me, look at my show notes, set up a call with me. And the second part of that in kind of similar is do you not fix problems? And this is, I mean, just all around, and this can be a narcissistic trait in this sense of somebody who doesn't want to fix or work on themselves. Narcissists are not self-aware. Generally there, there's such a tiny population of them that will actually say, Hey, I might be a narcissist or I might have a problem. Narcissists generally will not admit unless they're desperate in trying to get you back and have crocodile tears along with it and it's momentary. So there's that narcissistic part. But in general, I'm also saying, if you are a survivor of narcissistic abuse or any abuse, but you're not doing anything about it, that will become a toxic trait because you will get more anxiety, more depression, less motivation, all those things.   Speaker 1   16:26 And that is, again, what I do with my clients, is really taking you from that surviving to thriving like we are undoing damage that has been done. So if you sit in it and you decide, like there are people that are like, oh, well yeah, I wanna get help, but you know, I, I can't afford it because you know, I'm, I'm getting my grande coffees every day and I just can't afford coaching or therapy right now. That's you prioritizing something else besides your healing. So you say you wanna heal, but your actions aren't showing that that's a you thing and you're not fixing the problem. You can mask it, you can mask it with, you know, alcohol. You can mask it with distractions and going out. You can mask it with going on vacations. You can mask it with so many things, but you're not gonna fix the problem until you heal, take action, releasing physically the negative effects mentally doing mindset work.   Speaker 1   17:21 And it's fun with me. So I highly recommend myself. All right, this is getting long. So we gotta go, we gotta roll. But hopefully that helps you. Most likely you are not the narcissist if you are even asking that. Are you the toxic one? Most likely, no. Are there some things that may have come out of this that could be toxic traits? I would, I don't even know if I'd call 'em traits, just things that have developed maybe, but you get to undo them. That's the beautiful part, right? And you're here, so that shows something. So good job queen. You are so worthy of turning your life around. You are amazing and you are beautiful and you have more control than you think. Okay? I'll see you in the next episode. Don't forget to subscribe and join my free Facebook group. Look at the show notes. There's lots of juicy stuff there. There's even my freebie. You get a free meditation, I'm gonna be adding more freebies. So look out for those. Hopefully next week I'll have a couple more up. I wanna give you all the fun free things. So yay, always check the show notes and I'll see you later.  

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Speaker 1: (00:00) Hello, my beautiful queen Bees. Today we're talking more about the effects of narcissistic abuse. If you are jumping in new here, welcome. We are doing this whole series on the effects of narcissistic abuse, psychologically, mentally, emotionally, all of fun. So stick around for how to help heal anxiety and fear after narcissistic abuse. Speaker 1: (00:26) Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with? I'm wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:23) All right, so we know surviving, narcissistic abuse can take a lot of courage and resilience, but the journey toward healing does not end once the relationship is over. Once you've disconnected, often survivors are left grappling with anxiety and fear that linger long after the abuse has ended. So these emotional wounds can be very overwhelming, but it's essential to remember that healing is possible, right? Having that faith has been a big part of my journey. So today we're gonna explore strategies to help you navigate and overcome some of those anxieties and fears. Empowering you to reclaim that inner strength. Cuz girl, I see it. I know it's there. Let's do this. First of all, you have to validate your feelings, right? It's the first step really, in any form of abuse, acknowledging it and saying, yes, yes, this was abuse, this was bad. It's okay that I have these effects, these psychological effects, whatever sort of effects, it's okay and it's normal in this situation that I'm in, right? Is this situation a common thing? No. We are warriors who have survived some of the craziest type of abuse out there. So it's okay to validate your feelings. These people made us feel completely crazy, like things were our fault. Like we were crazy, like we were perceiving things incorrectly, that we were just paranoid, that we were sensitive, you know, all the things they called us. Okay? So you're out of it. I want you to breathe. Put your hand to your heart and say, my feelings are valid. I'm serious. I'm gonna give you a moment. Speaker 1: (03:06) Really s just suck it all in. Like it's okay. It's okay that there may be some resistance there too. This is why I'm big on affirmations, repeating these things daily in the morning before you go to bed. My feelings are valid, is a really important affirmation for people who have gone through such abuse. Another standard, I did it myself, is seeking professional help. This stuff is hard to go through alone. I highly suggest reaching out to myself of course, because this is what I do. Very specific to this type of abuse. I have a lot of knowledge, a lot of experience, and it's fun to work with me. So yay. Or a therapist, I always will say a therapist who has experience in their own lives with narcissism is going to be very beneficial. Okay? So someone who specializes in trauma and abuse, great, but narcissistic abuse, it is different. Speaker 1: (04:05) And I do think it's important to try to seek out a professional who has the experience with narcissism. So whether it's me or a therapist, somebody there to help you understand narcissism further. Not only that, but helping, keeping you accountable every week to be doing this work because it, it can be tiring. But that's why in my programs, whether you do one-on-one or with my upcoming course, it's always going to be, this doesn't have to be so heavy and so hard. We'll have our moments. But this is really on building our, our self-esteem back and doing fun things and doing the meditation and making it lighter and happier and, and bringing peace and joy into your life in a fun way. So if you can get that from someone else or myself, that is fabulous, but have someone supporting you, you definitely need that along this journey. Speaker 1: (05:04) The third thing is practicing self-care. So engaging in self-care activities is crucial for your wellbeing. Focusing on nurturing your physical, emotional, and mental health, right? So you can do this kind of, I call it sparkle by sparkle. Focusing on one thing at a time and adding it to your routine so you don't overwhelm yourself and you don't feel like, oh, I have to do all the things to change my life. First of all, you're changing your life for the better. So, woo-hoo. Second of all, it can be fun. It's going to be fun. It's meant to be fun. My journey, I didn't realize that healing could be so liberating. Build my confidence so much and just make me like cutting out all the chaos and filling it with peace instead and uplifting people instead of people I had had in my life. It truly changed my world in such a way that that's part of why I do this, right? Speaker 1: (05:59) Like I want you guys to get to experience this. So a lot of these things, we've talked about them in multiple episodes, but exercise, meditation, journaling, spending time in nature, all of these things are truly going to help your anxiety levels, your fear, because this is all this energy that gets stuck in our physical body, right? And our mind and all, but physical exercise truly releases negative energy. I talk about yin yoga a lot, I love it. If you want to ask me more about yin yoga, you can email me at fierce mama M A M AAC gmail.com. That'll always be in my show notes on the podcast, by the way, wherever you're listening. But exercise is so important, such a great, great way to release energy meditation, being present, right? Really being in the moment. And yes, some things, some hard things may come up and you walk through and release them. Speaker 1: (06:56) Same thing with journaling. It's a great way to process and do those fun things. Find those new activities that maybe you didn't get to do or old hobbies you kind of fell out of doing or someone made you stop doing things you love because they were so controlling, right? This is your time to recreate yourself and part of that journey is this self-care. So remind yourself too that you deserve love, kindness to yourself. Very important. Give yourself grace and healing. So number four, I just touched on it quickly, but surrounding yourself with supportive people. Man, what a life changer. So for me, this was huge. This was a defining moment in my life, realizing there are people out there who are so uplifting who really support you and like trusting people again, and it can take some time, but trusting that people have your best interests and looking out for those red flags, and I have episodes on that of course, but looking out for those things can take time as well. Speaker 1: (08:02) But if you have friends already that are supportive, spend more time with them, spend more time with the people you trust and have fun with too, right? Maybe you just have some friends that are really fun to hang out with and you just wanna go get a margarita and chat and sit outside and have a good laugh. That's so important for your soul too. There are also a lot of support groups, especially with this online world. Now, there are tons of support groups. So you can look on Facebook or other social media outlets and find a community. Um, I myself am part of a couple of narcissistic abuse groups on Facebook. So whatever is your jam or your social hangout, see if you can find some people there. Even if you're watching videos like on YouTube, I find that if you're involved and you comment, you can kind of find each other. Speaker 1: (08:53) I actually made amazing friends, one of my best friends I made through YouTube about 10 years ago. We both were doing makeup videos and found each other and now we talk all the time. So you just never know what's out there in the world wa web. But surrounding yourself with people who uplift you like that and validate your experiences can counteract the negative effects of that abuse you've gone through and help alleviate that anxiety, the fear, the feeling like, oh, I'm crazy, or just not good enough. All that stuff that comes up. You start to kind of rewrite those thoughts by your own self-healing, but also hanging out with people who are saying the opposite and are like, do you know how amazing you are? I have a best friend who's like such a cheerleader and it, it might be over the top to some people, but I don't care. Speaker 1: (09:44) I feel like people have gone through the we've gone through. It's okay for us to get a little cheerleading in. It's okay to have friends around us that are really in our corner and like, girl, you're amazing. Don't forget it. We should all have that. So I hope you find that too. All right, number five, back to setting boundaries. I know we talk about this a lot because it's so dang important. I'm the queen of boundaries. I love it. So one common trait though of narcissistic abusers, which you may know by now, is a lack of respect of boundaries. So learning to set healthy boundaries is essential at this point. Essential for your wellbeing. Like if you wanna go on this piece journey and you want it to work and you wanna not go back, you wanna not get sucked into the drama, you don't wanna attract future relationships, whether it's romantic or friendships, anything that even smells like narcissism. Speaker 1: (10:38) Then you have to learn how to set these healthy boundaries, right? This can reduce the anxiety and fear because you know that you have your peace bubble and no one's gonna get in there, no one's gonna ruin that for you when you set those healthy boundaries. So it does it, it can take some time, like it took me a little bit to get there, but that's what I'm here for to help you. Yay. So recognize that you have the right to say no and remember that is a full sentence. No, you don't have to explain yourself away and prioritize your needs. So practice assertiveness in communicating your boundaries and surround yourself with the people who not only uplift you, but respect your boundaries and support them. Like they want you to have boundaries. They want you to protect yourself and they wanna help you protect yourself. Speaker 1: (11:28) Those are the people we're trying to have in our life. Got it, . All right, number six, explore therapeutic techniques. So, you know, we talked about exercise, some meditation, all of that. This is kind of focusing on that. Mindfulness, the meditation, deep breathing exercises, yoga, shout out to you in yoga or creative outlets, right? Like this weekend, me and my stepsister had so much fun. This was Memorial Day weekend for us here in the US and it's a long weekend. I actually had a four day weekend, should I, how many times can I say? Weekend, weekend, weekend. But my stepsister and my nephew came over and we had so much fun doing artwork, jamming on the guitar and singing and just having a good old time. And that is something, creative outlets like that, like art, that's something I brought back into my life after I disconnected from a narcissistic abuser and it really helped me release and helped me feel better and reduced. Speaker 1: (12:32) The anxiety, it gets you out of your head and you're putting that energy out, man. Do like a Jackson. If you, if you're in the angry phase, you get a bunch of those brushes dipped in all those pigments and just start waving all up in the air. Like you just don't gu No, but really there's, there's so many ways to express ourselves in our emotions and after abuse, it's just a, it's a great way, it's a great way to release less, but not least. Number seven, embrace self-reflection and growth. So use this period of healing to engage in, in this self-reflection, in digging a little, right? And it doesn't have to be so hard and dark. It can be, yes, you're gonna have moments, okay, we're gonna have to process, we're gonna have to feel the emotions to get through them. But the longer you try to resist, the harder it is to actually walk through the mud, right? Speaker 1: (13:27) To me, it's like the slower you go or you have a resistance picture, you're walking through mud, it's gonna take longer. I'm the type, I'm like, you know what? I know I gotta do this. I'm gonna feel this pain. I'm gonna let out a big cry about it. I'm gonna do what I gotta do and I'm gonna run. Cause we wanna get to that piece, right? That's why you're here, that recreating yourself, peace, joy, feeling like a queen. We're here for it. So explore your values, your interests, your passions. Rediscover. Who are you? It's you 2.0. You get to decide. You get to create who you want to be. Now you aren't under the thumb of anyone else. You don't have to walk on eggshells anymore, right? So set goals, dream and celebrate even the tiniest achievements. By focusing on your personal growth, you can rebuild your self-esteem and completely regain. Speaker 1: (14:23) I can't say completely, okay, God's in charge, but you know what I mean. You can regain so much more control over your life than you have had up to this point, right? Like how does that feel? Take a breath and just think, how would it feel to feel really in control of my life alongside if you're a God person, which I am. I mean I got my arm and arm of God, me and g o d hanging out. He's got the control, but I get to make so many decisions that free will is there for me to listen to his whispers or his yells. If you're not a God person, I don't know. Listen to the universe, listen to your higher power, whatever. I don't care what it is, but there's something out there that is bigger than us and you get to reach higher and you get to pull from that and know there's many beautiful things in this world and you deserve them just as anybody else. Speaker 1: (15:16) Sometimes we look, oh, why did I have to go through this? Or look at them. They have this right? Comparing, especially with social media. No, you get to create a beautiful life and you have to believe that first before you can do it. So you've gotta do some healing. You've gotta do this work, but I promise you, you can build yourself a beautiful life no matter what the past has been. Okay? Okay? Overcoming this anxiety, these fears after abuse. It is challenging. I'm not gonna lie about that, but it is possible. So remember to be patient and kind to yourself. Give yourself a little hug every day. Say, oh, you're doing so good girl. Look at you. Look at you growing and navigate this healing journey by seeking support, practicing all that good self-care. I mean, that's fun, right? We should get excited about more self-care. Speaker 1: (16:03) Setting those boundaries, those fierce, fierce boundaries cuz you're a queen and embracing the personal growth, you can reclaim that inner strength and pave the way for a brighter, peaceful, more joyful, anxiety free future. How does that sound? That feels so good, doesn't it? Yes. Ooh. All right. Don't forget to go on my show notes. Um, let me look at the date I have. Oh my gosh, we only have two more days if you're listening. No. One more day. If you're listening on Tuesday, it's today and tomorrow I am still doing my May deal where you get a V I P pricing for my journey two piece blueprint. You get one full one-on-one session with me coaching on Zoom. You can either see my face or not. You have an option of video or audio, seems like everybody wants video so we can see each other. Speaker 1: (16:59) And then I will send an email, follow up to our call with our little plan we discuss, and then there will be a mini checkup call at the end. And if you choose to, you can move on and continue to work with me. Weekly is usually how I roll because we love that accountability and really start thriving in your life because that's the name of the podcast. But still she thrives. We gotta thrive. We're here for a short time. We gotta make it the best we can. And yeah, we had some happen, but guess what? We're stronger than that. We are stronger than our past. So check out those show notes, the podcast description, whatever you wanna call it, to sign up for the journey two piece blueprint. Yes. So I'm gonna end with a couple little affirmations cuz you know how I roll. Speaker 1: (17:46) Let's put our hands to our heart. But not if you're driving girl. No. All right. I am safe. I am free. I'm a queen bee. Yeah, I had to, I had to be cheesy and rhyme. Why not? All right. Worry less, smile more. Okay, we're gonna, we're gonna knock these anxieties and fears out. We're gonna get 'em. See you beauties. In the next episode, don't forget to hit that subscribe button so you get notified when the episodes come up. And also you can join my free Facebook group. It's in the podcast show notes. And also I have a freebie. If you don't have my meditation, girl, what are you doing? Go get it. It'll say four minute meditation in my podcast notes. It's amazing. Start your day right? Cuz you know when you start it wrong things go wrong. I'm just saying. Okay, love you.

Still feeling stuck after leaving the narcissist? You’re not broken—you’re healing. In this episode, Christy breaks down the real reason survivors feel frozen after narcissistic abuse and shares powerful steps to start moving forward with confidence and clarity.

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Hello Queens. Today we're getting real about a feeling that so many women carry in silence after narcissistic abuse. Why can't I move on? Why do you still feel stuck even though they're gone, or at least you're broken up, even if you're co-parenting, but they're like out of your daily life? Why do you still feel stuck? Why do you keep second guessing, freezing up, replaying things in your mind, you just feel like you're not moving forward? If that's you, this episode is your permission slip to stop blaming yourself and start understanding what's actually happening underneath the surface.

(00:42) Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry ice, and had a come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now, I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you so steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up.

(01:40) Okay, so let's get something straight right now. You are not lazy, broken or weak. You're traumatized and there is a difference. Feeling stuck is often your actual nervous system doing what it was trained to do. So that's a little bit of a relief here, right? It is freezing to survive. You are in survival mode if you're still feeling the stuckness. So after the chaos, and we all know the chaos of narcissistic abuse, the gaslighting invalidation, the emotional whiplash that yo-yo, the up and down, that you're great, you're the worst. All of that, your body gets stuck in a loop and it's not just your mind, it's in your body. So intellectually it's over. And like I said, that could just be in a different way. It's not the daily. It's not the hourly, but it's over in a sense. But your nervous system has not gotten that memo.

(02:45) It's not caught up, and we call this trauma paralysis. It's not that you don't want to move forward, of course you do, but your body, here's the key, your body holds that it remembers all of what's happened. It doesn't feel safe enough to, I want to say that a different way. It doesn't feel safe yet enough to move forward. So we live in this world that pushes quick fixes and snapbacks, right? Like, oh, just let it go. You should be over it by now. Why are you still thinking about them? I have been guilty of this saying this to myself and saying this to others for sure, right? When you're in protection mode over a friend, you might be like, oh, don't worry about them. You shouldn't be thinking about them. You deserve more. Don't even worry about them. All those things are things we say to ourselves, to others, but that's not always the reality, especially with narcissistic abuse.

(03:50) The mindset in that is actually toxic in itself. Narcissistic abuse is not like a regular breakup. It is psychological warfare, and that might sound extreme, but narcissistic abuse is extreme. If you've been with a narcissist, they are extreme. So of course you're not over it. Within a few weeks, maybe even a couple years, you're still feeling stuck and you're not stuck because you're weak. So I want you to hear that again. You are not stuck because you're weak. You're stuck because you were wounded by this narcissist, by this relationship. So take a deep breath here, pause and just take it. Inhale through the nose, exhale through the mouth. These are my favorite just to calm down. Breaths like inhaling through the nose, out through the mouth is called halo breathing. It's a type of breath work, and just let this settle in as you do these slow breaths and you're connecting to your body, and when you connect and slow your body down, you can actually hear things like affirmations and meditations a lot more clearly, and it's more likely they will actually sink in. So that's why I want you to just kind of calm your body down. Focus on your inhale through the nose, exhale through the mouth and hear this. Healing is not linear and it's not on anyone else's timeline.

(05:29) This is very personal to you and your journey, where you're at, who you are, all sorts of things. So I want you to know that it's not linear and it's your timeline or God's timeline. If you're a God person, I always view it as God's timeline for me. So why do you feel frozen? Let's break this part down. Some of the biggest reasons you may feel like you can't move forward. One, you are afraid of repeating the pattern. Can I get a what? I've heard this one so much from my clients, they are terrified and I was too, but terrified of repeating the pattern. This can be a romantic relationship. This can be friendships. I had some friendships that weren't so hot and I was afraid like, am I a bad friend picker? So you're afraid of repeating this pattern, you got burned. Of course you're scared it will happen again. So that alone can keep you frozen in this hypervigilance. So that's one reason. Another is you lost yourself, okay? You can be found, so don't freak out, but I mean I'm sure you already know and feel because I hear it all the time. I lost myself.

(06:53) It is a phrase I hear all the time, but for so long your identity was shaped by abuse. And again, this could be with parents, this could be with siblings, this could be with a romantic interest, a best friend, a boss. And even if it's not decades, it could be a short amount of time. It still can do a lot of damage. So who you were, what you liked, what you wanted, it all got buried under survival mode and under what they wanted, or you tiptoeing around because you were in fear of them, so therefore you couldn't be your true self. So you did lose part of yourself. Again, you can get it back. Number three, you're subconsciously blaming yourself. You might not even know it. You might know the abuse wasn't your fault. You might still carry guilt, shame, or what if I would've?

(07:56) Just those types of thoughts. That inner narrative can create major resistance from moving forward. It goes along with just not trusting yourself. Having that guilt can lead to feelings of like, oh, I made a poor decision, so I might do that again. Number four, your nervous system is still dysregulated, going back to your body, remembering everything and not being caught up. So even after they're gone or you're not dealing with them in the same way, your body may still be stuck in fight, flight, freeze or fawn. That's why somatic healing is so amazing. If you're a new, here I am a somatic healing facilitator along with a narcissistic abuse recovery coach, and I have a link in the description for the one-on-one somatic healing sessions. I call 'em sparkle sessions. There's also coaching. I always have my information in the description of the podcast, so go check that out.

(09:06) If you are ready to start feeling safe in that body, right, your body remembers it's dysregulated. We want to get it regulated again, and doing that somatic work is the fastest way to do it. So the fifth reason why you may feel frozen is you are grieving the fantasy. You may not miss them, but you miss what you thought was there or the dream of what you wanted to be there. Sometimes we're in denial and we kind of have this ideal, even though we see some things, we glaze over it, we have this dream, the potential what could have been and grieving that can be very complicated, very confusing, but again, it's normal. This is all normal reactions to post narcissistic abuse. Alright, the good part. How do we move forward? Yay. We like the problem solving here. So what do we do with all this, right?

(10:14) Number one, tell yourself the truth. If you have to stare in the mirror every day when you wake up, put it on a post-it on your mirror, add it to I do affirmations. I've talked about that on my phone. Memos, voice memos. Leave yourself a voice memo. You are not stuck because something is wrong with you. You're stuck because something wrong happened to you. I'll say it one more time. You're not stuck because something is wrong with you. You're stuck because something wrong happened to you. Okay, two, here comes that body work gently reconnect with your body. We get very disconnected from our body when we are in survival mode, when we're in fight or flight, right? You're, you're not where you need to be. So let's do a little micro somatic reset together. Place one hand on your heart and one on your belly. If you're driving or something, save this for later. You can just listen. So inhale slowly through your nose for 4, 3, 2, 1, and release slowly.

(11:43) And sometimes when I'm starting out, I just do four in four out to make it easy. You can change it to four and then six. But sometimes if you're just starting with breath work, you can exhale not quite as long, and you never want to do this in a place where you're not sitting or laying. Always be cautious with breath work so you don't get lightheaded. Okay, do another inhale for four seconds in 4, 3, 2, 1, and exhale, 4, 3, 2, 1. Now, do you feel your body settle a little bit, queen? Yes, that is a nervous system reset. Even a minute a day can shift things, right? I'm just showing you a tiny, tiny micro somatic experience, right? It's a tiny one that was under a minute. That can just help you settle a little. But that's just the tip of the iceberg. We have some amazing, amazing exercises in the somatic world.

(12:56) Alright, number three, for how to move forward, take small, doable action. I say doable because I don't like to bite off really big bites that are so overwhelming because after narcissistic abuse, you're already overwhelmed. You don't need to have some huge mountain to climb. So don't aim to sprint. Aim to shift one healthy new habit or one boundary. They're my favorite. One new affirmation a day, just one. Like I said, put one affirmation on a post-it, put it on your mirror and say it when you brush your teeth. One thing, don't overdo it. Don't be like, yes, I want to do this and that. It's too hard to maintain. Okay, and speaking of affirmations, there is a link in the description for my free affirmation bundle just for survivors like you. It is only free for a few more days. So go grab that. Okay, number four, don't do this alone.

(14:07) So moving forward support is so important and healing happens in safe supportive spaces. So we're not lean on your ex narcissist sister. Okay? I'm sure she's lovely. Let's go a little safer, at least for now. Somebody who doesn't have contact in relation with the narcissist is good. So having a friend is important. Then there obviously are podcasts like this. My Thrive in five mini episodes I do on Thursdays are awesome coaching with me one-on-one, a therapist really knows narcissism. They do not all. So do your research and any type of narcissistic abuse support that is valid. There are books out there, some of them are very stale in my opinion. I am working on a course specific to narcissistic abuse recovery. Super excited about that. There are courses out there, whatever you need, don't try to fight it alone, okay? There is absolutely hope so I will drop my coaching info in the description box.

(15:30) Just a reminder, so I do narcissistic abuse recovery coaching, right? Obviously that is my specialty. And in that, yes, it's a lot of talk and that, but if you choose, and I always give the option, we absolutely can. And a lot of people do the somatic exercises too, so it's a good balance. I love, that's my favorite way. I sometimes just do somatic. Some people don't want to talk, they just want to heal through the body. There's some more introverted or private people, they don't want to share their story. We do somatic healing. You don't have to say much. You can tell me what comes up, but you say whatever you want that comes out. But you can sit there for a whole hour and we just do body work and you don't really have to say much at all. And then there's some people who do the somatic sessions and they talk a lot through it.

(16:25) They want a lot's coming up for them, and they're more expressive, like I am. My ass talks through that. I have a somatic facilitator as well, and I talk through my sessions. I'm verbal. I'm visual. So I see a lot and I'm just like, oh, there's this and that. Help me. It helps me analyze it. But whatever style you have, I will be able to work with. I will ask you before the session so I know what do you prefer, any of that. So somatic sparkle sessions are really just focused on the somatic experience, but you can have a little talking in there. Narcissistic abuse, recovery coaching is, I would say mostly talking and we can sprinkle in this somatic experience, but either way, you're going to definitely get healing. And the somatic way is obviously more body-based and we go into meditations, visualizations. It's really great for visual people, but I definitely have clients who are not that visual and we've done other exercises.

(17:38) There's so many different methods. It can be sound, it can be, like I said, visualizations, even future visualizations, repetitive language. There's all sorts of things we can do. And if you want more information, I don't want to sit here and talk about my session for the next half hour or so, but if you have any specific questions or want to know more, there is a link you can look to get more description. But if you have further questions, just email me. My email's always in the description too. I'm just a email away. So you are not behind, you're not broken. You are not stuck forever. Even though it might feel like it, you are healing you listening to this right now, shining a light on it is healing and it takes time. It takes feeling safe and compassion with yourself. Compassion from someone who can support you like myself or a therapist, and the fact you're here listening, learning, that's movement, that's power.

(18:49) You are taking your power back right now. So give yourself a pat on the back. You have moved forward just in the last whatever. How many minutes is this? 18 minutes. Okay, so sip that tea. Remind yourself I'm not stuck. I'm rising. You are rising up. You are not stuck, are you? Maybe not exactly where you want to be. I mean, isn't that most of us, you are rising one sparkle at a time. You are rising up. So check that description for free tools, coaching links, anything and everything you need to keep on rising like the queen, you are.

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TRANSCRIPT

Top 3% in podcasts globally

This weeks starts the series on the Psychological Effects of Narcissistic abuse and how you can start your healing journey in relation to each one! 

Let me help you with 1:1 coaching special pricing for the month of May!

One spot left!

https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/

GET ON MY WAITLIST FOR MY UPCOMING COURSE!!!

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FREEBIE TIME! My FREE 4 MINUTE empowering meditation:

https://christyjade.ck.page/insider

Join my free facebook group here:

https://facebook.com/groups/christyjade

Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?

Grab my E-Course here:

https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse

And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 

https://christyjade.com/

Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!

fiercemamac@gmail.com  

Let's connect on social media!

https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/

https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy

After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233

 

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1: (00:00) I am so excited to start this series. This is all about the long-term psychological effects of narcissistic abuse. This is something I go really deep into with my clients and we work on it one-on-one and their customized plan. But I'm starting this series to help more people know about what those effects are, and we'll go as we go on in the series, we will touch on each one more deeply and about how specifically we can help heal each wound. Stay tuned. Speaker 1: (00:32) Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies. Let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:30) The long-term psychological effects of narcissistic abuse can be significant and have a lasting impact on the victims. So we're gonna talk today about some common effects that survivors may experience. Let us dive on in. So first, a big one, low self-esteem. Pretty much every client I work with, every victim I've spoken to and myself has had narcissistic abuse that results in lower self-esteem. It often involves consistent criticism, belittling and demeaning behavior, right? So obviously over time, especially if you've been in a really long-term relationship, whether it's during your childhood or a romantic relationship or even a friendship, this can erode a person's self-esteem leading to feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt. I know for myself, between my childhood and my adult sh in between there, starting at a young age because I was put down and told that I was stupid or I wasn't interesting or whatever it was that my narcissist used to say to me to make it as if I was not as smart as them. Speaker 1: (02:46) I was not as good as them would know the right buttons to push that over time. And honestly, pretty quickly in my childhood, I became a person who believed that they were not, not capable enough, especially in the academic area, which I was smart. I am smart, right? We all have our strengths in any academic area. One may be more than the other, like English and creative versus scientific and math, whatever. But I was convinced I wasn't really good at anything. Even though I was in honors classes, I felt like it was almost imposter syndrome. Like maybe I'm just somehow getting by somehow. That's not really true. I was really brainwashed that I was stupid. I'm sure a lot of you can relate to that. A lot of us are made to feel like we are not as valuable as the narcissist. We are not smart, we are not capable. Speaker 1: (03:40) They want us to be dependent on them and to need them. So they will reiterate and repeat how not intelligent we are in some form. And this completely will trash our self-esteem as time goes on. So if you have low self-esteem, if you have low self-worth, you are not alone. And it makes absolute sense that you don't if you have been a victim of narcissistic abuse. Another super annoying side effect of narcissistic abuse is anxiety and fear. So victims of narcissistic abuse may develop chronic anxiety and fear due to the unpredictable nature of the relationship. So if you grew up or in a a romantic relationship, any situation with a narcissist where you had to walk on eggshells, you had to look over your shoulder and wonder what mood are they gonna be? Are they going to mentally exhaust me? Are they going to physically hit me? Speaker 1: (04:34) Are they going to keep me away from my family? I had plans with today? Whatever it is, there's always fear underneath when you're dealing with a narcissist. So this will bleed into other parts of your life, even after you have disconnected from the narcissist. Something that is, that ingrained will continue on. So it's absolutely necessary, obviously to get help for all this. Again, we will be talking about how to heal these situations and these wounds in this series. So make sure to subscribe on whatever platform you're listening. Depression, ugh, this one is rough. That big dark gloomy cloud that takes over your life makes you feel like you don't have any motivation. You don't wanna get outta bed, maybe you don't wanna shower. Maybe you feel like you have nobody in your life, you're alone. Even if you have a couple friends, you might have a million friends, but you feel this isolation, this loneliness, this downward spiral. Speaker 1: (05:35) Um, if you're in a narcissistic situation, you may feel like you are stuck and can't get out. And even after you are out of this situation, this can still linger. Depression can still linger. You can have guilt, you can have shame. You can have a lot of depression based feelings that occur because of their gaslighting. That can really, really cause depression and being in your head too much cuz you're always trying to figure out what you did wrong or are you crazy? So victims may feel hopeless, helpless, and trapped even when you are outside of the situation. Your mind can still feel trapped. And this is normal when you are in or out of any narcissistic abusive situation. All right, let's just gather around for a big warm welcome to the complex post-traumatic stress disorder. See P T S D, you've probably heard this, especially narcissistic abuse victims. Speaker 1: (06:33) If you had star, if you have started studying this, you know, people will talk about narcissistic abuse, ptsd, it is common. It can cause symptoms similar to those of PTs D but with additional features related to the long-term nature of abuse because some of us have gone our entire lives under the thumb of a narcissist. So survivors may experience flashbacks, hypervigilance, disassociation, and difficulty forming, trusting relationships. I know a lot of you have talked to me about how you feel like you cannot trust not just other people, but your own relationship with yourself. You have trust issues because you feel like you can't trust yourself, that you're not going to get yourself into another narcissistic relationship, whether that is just because that's what you're used to from your childhood or your upbringing, or whether that's because you chose a relationship that ended up being narcissistic, which is not your fault. Speaker 1: (07:35) I wanna reiterate that. But this is something that can occur in PTs, D and C, PTs D where it can feel a little worse with C P T S D if it is a longer amount of time. You have more time that you have doubted yourself and you look back and think, gosh, I dealt with a and maybe, uh, quote, I chose to, which I hate that. I hate that wording, but a lot of people say that to me. Well, I chose this relationship, right? I don't like to think of it that way. That's a whole other episode. But that is something that can happen from that sort of relationship because you look back on it almost with a guilt and a lack of trust. So trying to move forward, trying to gain trust in a new relationship, you can feel totally scared, terrified, and not trusting of yourself. Speaker 1: (08:26) Again, these are very normal, normal effects of narcissistic abuse. More of those trust issues, the external trust issues repeated betrayals and emotional manipulation have occurred in a narcissistic relationship, right? So this can make it very challenging for you to trust others. And you may become guarded and suspicious of anyone fearing others will take advantage of you and hurt you. Again, emotional dysregulation. This is a recent buzzword. I'm glad it's getting more attention. Narcissistic abuse can disrupt a person's ability to regulate their emotions. Survivors may experience intense mood swings, difficulty managing your anger or your sadness and struggling with stabilizing your emotions. That's what it is. They're dysregulated, they're up, they're down. You can feel like your own emotions are not predictable. And this is again, a very normal side effect of narcissistic abuse, if you wanna call it that. Um, it's very common and I think first of all, knowing about it and shining a light on it can help saying, okay, this isn't me being crazy or being, because we get called crazy a lot when we are abused by a narcissist. Speaker 1: (09:47) Can I get a what, what? Yes. So this is finally shining a light on this and saying, wow, this is actually a side effect. This is an effect of abuse, emotional dysregulation. So again, very, very common. And we'll go to the next one, which is self blame and guilt. So often narcissists will shift the blame onto their victims. Very common. I mean a hundred percent common, making you believe that the abuse is your fault. So this can lead to feelings of guilt, self blame, and a very distorted sense of responsibility for the abusive behavior. We, which we touched on a little bit, especially reflecting back. But even while you're in it, sometimes that is why we stay in the situations we are, um, made to believe that it's our fault. And if we didn't do X, y, z, this narcissist would not act this way. Speaker 1: (10:43) I'm here to tell you that's. They will act that way no matter what it is. Not you, it is them, but they are going to make you feel like it is your fault. And even when you disconnect from a narcissist, you can absolutely still have this guilt and shame and it is a very, very normal feeling to come out of narcissistic relationships, feeling this way, still having that guilt, guilt, still questioning yourself. And you are not alone in this at all. All right? Having boundary issues, this is a huge one. You may have had boundary issues to begin with and they, it can only get worse because narcissists stick abuse often involves a violation of personal boundaries. They don't respect boundaries, right? So survivors may struggle with setting and maintaining boundaries in their relationships, in their future relationships leading to difficulties in asserting their needs and protecting themselves from harm. Speaker 1: (11:42) Even though when we get out, we get this relief and all of that, it's so ingrained in us to almost people please and be afraid. We're afraid to set boundaries, right? But I'm gonna help you with that. Yes I am. Stick with me, I'm the boundary queen. Now, social isolation, ooh, those narcissists will isolate their victims from family, from friends and support networks, right? They want you again, dependent on them. As a result, survivors may experience social withdrawal, difficulty forming new relationships, even if you want to. There's this subconscious pull that it just feels scary or wrong because of what you've been through. And you could have a feeling of loneliness. I've experienced this myself. I mean, even at a, at a time I had 50 friends. I'm an extrovert, all these people in my life because of narcissistic situations and what you are led to believe in your mind, you can feel very lonely regardless of what connections you do have. Speaker 1: (12:49) I want to just add in here, it is very important to have support after you have disconnected from a narcissist or narcissistic situation. Um, especially if they were like your main squeeze. Um, it's so important to try to reconnect with old people in your life and be honest with those people and try to gain that support or new friendships. And it's difficult. I have a couple of episodes on friendship that I will post, but also there will be upcoming episodes about this topic. Last but not least, self-doubt and identity confusion. So the constant gaslighting and manipulation can make victims question their perceptions and reality, right? So I get it. You may lose touch with your own identity, your preferences, the values, right? Because you have been dependent on this person or they have created a dependency on them where they are controlling you, you are under their control. Speaker 1: (13:52) You are letting them make all of your decisions, right? So you don't even know what you like and don't like anymore. And you have now been conditioned to prioritize the needs and desires of the narcissistic abuser rather than yourself. So this is a huge part of what I do is recreating your identity as the new you U 2.0. I'll keep saying it because that's what, that's what I do with a lot of my clients, right? Where are you now? Where do you wanna be? And let's figure out who the hell you are. I mean, we know it's a queen, but what kind of specific queen are you ? So it's important to note that the impact of this abuse can vary from person to person, right? Not everyone will experience all of these effects, though a lot of them are very, very common. So seeking professional help from someone like me who is experienced in narcissistic abuse specifically can be very beneficial for survivors in addressing and healing these psychological effects. Speaker 1: (14:58) So as always, you can look at the links in my show notes to uh, find the ways to work with me and I will have anything I mentioned link below in those show notes. Whatever platform you are on, you can find it. And a reminder is this the last week? This may be the last week. I have I think just one more slot open for my blueprint journey two piece, um, which is one call. And then we have like a little mini checkup call, but we do a customized blueprint for you if you are looking for a boost into your healing. Um, I will put that link definitely in the show notes. So check that out. And that is just through the month of May. You are grandfathered into that pricing. If you sign up and you do it in June instead, you'll still get the same pricing, but you have to sign up in May. So I'll put that link if that, that's a great way to start working with me. And it's, it's a really, it's a really great deal. It is half off my regular price, so I'm so excited to work with more of you. So check out my show notes and I will talk to you in the next episode. And don't forget, you are not your narcissistic abuse effects. They do not define you and you can heal and you are a queen.

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TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1: (00:02) Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still, she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with, and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought, and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 2: (01:00) And I have a special guest today. I'm so excited to have on. This is my friend, my personal friend, Carol Lorraine, and she is the owner of Sizzling Marketing Group. She is a marketing genius. She actually helps me with my marketing, and she has been a client of mine and we're friends, so we have a lot of history together. Um, I'm so excited to have you on. Welcome. Speaker 3: (01:25) Thank you. I'm so excited to be on your podcast. I'm a fan, I'm a fan of her podcast. . I've, I keep learning through it as well, even though I've been studying this for a while. But I always learn something new. So I tell people that as well. Like, just listen, you're, you'll learn something new, a new perspective, something. Speaker 2: (01:43) Yes. Yes. And Carol, like she said, she has done some research and education herself on narcissistic abuse and had her own experience. So I guess we can start there. What has your experience been with narcissistic abuse up to this point in your life? ? Speaker 3: (02:01) Uh, I definitely have been in a romantic relationship with one. Didn't really realize that until later when I started learning more about it. But that was, yeah, I've had some relationships where there were the narcissistic behaviors going on. I definitely understood back then it was like, this is not what I want. But I understood more later about avoiding attachments, narcissistic behaviors. There's obviously a spectrum on it, so not everyone's like horrible, but they do have tendencies. So, Speaker 2: (02:39) Yes. So what, what point or the culmination of things, what made you kind of want to dive deeper to get that deeper understanding? Similar to my situation where I just reached a point, um, did you have a specific point where that hit or that light bulb was like, I really wanna dive deeper and like really understand what's going on with the whole narcissism thing, because it's such a word that's thrown around and not used correctly and all of that. So Speaker 3: (03:07) Yes. It was when, it was a few years ago, I think I caught it on YouTube or something. It was a clip of Oprah and Kate Hudson, and they were talking about relationships, talking about how we attract certain people in our lives, certain types of relationships. And they mentioned some book, and I don't remember the name, but I'll find it. And that way you can link it mm-hmm. . But it was, um, they were speaking such high praise about it. And Kate Hudson said, this book inspired me to break up with a relationship at that time. And she said, it's because I realized why I attracted that man in my life. And I realized why I attracted the same man in my life in a different body. Mm-hmm. . And it was of unhealed issues she had going on unhealed wounds that she hadn't faced yet. Speaker 3: (03:56) And it was like, oh my God. Right? Like, okay, there's something I'm doing that is attracting something. Like I wanna learn what I'm doing. I wanna learn what these wounds are and how to fix them. And so it was doing that deep dive, learning more about attachments, learning more about like trauma wounds and all those things. And I was like, oh my gosh. And so then I realized, and I looked at, okay, what are there patterns in people I've dated? Like is there something I can find that has been a pattern? And some of them were different, but yeah, there was somes similarities and some of them. And I thought, okay, now I know why I attracted that. And I now at least the good thing is I can fix that. Speaker 2: (04:34) Yes. So for you, what was, what you first of all noticed as the pattern in your, well, let's start with who you dated. Was there a certain pattern that really showed up? I know you mentioned kind of avoidant. Can you go deeper into that a little bit? Speaker 3: (04:51) And, you know, not everybody was avoidant. So, and I actually, I was not avoidant with everybody either. I was the ones avoidant with me. So, but I actually did have really secure relationships too. I, one of my really good friends is an ex-boyfriend of mine from college, and we talked about our relationship and I was like, we actually have a very good relationship. Yeah. The only reason was because I realized he was an alcoholic. Mm-hmm. , that was, I recognized earlier in my life that I, I didn't realize until after I was dating them that they were alcoholics. They were all very funny. They were all, they made me laugh. Like I had a lot of fun with them. But after spending more time dating them, I started realizing, this isn't healthy. This person's actually an alcoholic, you know? Mm-hmm. And that mean this. But then I realized, why am I attracting alcoholic after alcoholic? Speaker 3: (05:37) You know, what is it about these people? You know, obviously they were all funny and charismatic and all those things. But then I realized, you know, they, they did have, and then, and then I started to pinpoint certain things about their backgrounds, their childhoods of what led them to utilize alcoholism to self-sooth. Yes. But one pattern I found was the alcoholism, um, the avoidant with some of them. See, he was not an avoidant, that particular boyfriend of mine, um, he was an alcoholic, but we had a very good relationship aside from that. Like, we really didn't even fight, you know? I mean, even when I brought up a couple concerns, he like fixed it immediately. And I told him that like, you were actually a really good boyfriend, aside from the fact that I just didn't wanna be with someone who I couldn't go out to dinner with and you'd not get drunk. You know, like, Speaker 2: (06:23) Yeah. Right. It was just Speaker 4: (06:24) Like Speaker 3: (06:25) That. And I was like, oh, you know, like, I don't want that, you know, I just wanna be able to go to dinner and then we just have a nice dinner and come home. And it's not like you're slamming like shots, you know, after one, another party till like three in the AM on a Tuesday night, you know? Speaker 2: (06:38) Yes. And speaking of alcoholism, that is something that can be common for narcissists to B because, well, a, they have a lot of pain inside and a lot of them use that as an escaping mechanism. Mm-hmm. . And also, you know, like you said, it's a way for them to, you know, do that self soothing in general. Mm-hmm. . And as far as your pattern that you saw in yourself, like you said, so some of it was avoidance. Was there anything else that popped up for you that you learned and, and kind of chipped away at so that you could heal? Speaker 4: (07:15) Yes. I recognized for me the, gosh, it depended cuz it was with different people. Mm-hmm. , like I, I was able to have secure relationships with some people and there was other people I was not. And so I think with the ones I was not able to have a more, just, more like steady relationship with. I ran away a lot. I did not handle, you know, I just, like, if I saw something that triggered me, I was out, you know? Mm-hmm. breaking up with them a lot later on, getting back with 'em, you know, I had like those rollercoaster relationships. Yes. Yes. Whereas the difference now is I wouldn't do that again. So now, like since two years since my last breakup, and I've healed thanks to a lot of our work, I think we're meeting like every week Speaker 2: (08:07) . Yes. But Speaker 4: (08:09) Thanks to that, now if I see an issue that I know will be problematic in terms of compatibility, I already know and I'm not going to even engage further anymore. And I'm totally at peace with the fact just knowing like, we're not compatible enough, reas my old self would still continue and think, well, maybe I can work on that and maybe I can fix and, you know, maybe we can. And, and now I'm like, no, there's certain things that I know are really crucial to a foundation of a healthy relationship. And if, and it needs to feel peaceful for me, there needs to be conflict resolution skills, there needs to be self-awareness. And I no longer wanna be somebody's coach. I no longer want to do those things. Right. I, you know, would like to have someone who's already done that work as well, because I can't be in something now that doesn't feel peaceful. Cuz now I know what that feels like and I can't go back to the chaos in the rollercoaster anymore. But I was used to a rollercoaster life growing up, which is why the rollercoaster was okay for me. Like, I mean, I ran away a lot growing up, and so packing my and leaving was like, this is the norm. Speaker 2: (09:22) Just another day. just another day. Yes. And that's a great point to bring up. Um, because yes, if we grow up in, you know, narcissistic environments or just any sort of abuse of, or even just being dismissed, and I've talked about this recently of some of my clients, even just being dismissed, not feeling like you're important or heard. And that could be generational too with kids that is like, you know, yeah. Be seen and not heard. You know, I'm the parent and the, not like a mutual respect. Um, but that can, when you have some sort of environment that is some sort of trauma or up and down like that, and you and I have talked about this too, where you're so, you're just so comfortable with it that you, it's like you don't know any better. So a lot of us who have been in romantic situations, it, it does usually point to the fact that as children, we were in some sort of dynamic, whether it's narcissistic or not, where we felt comfortable with the chaos or the up and down, almost like, it, it felt safe in a way for us that was like a comfort of, and that could be like, oh, they may, my parent is so up and down where it's that over the top. Speaker 2: (10:39) I always say like, Eminem and Kim, right? It's like mm-hmm. that up and down where the good is really, really good, almost like blissful mm-hmm. . And the, the lows are so low and you, you feel so bad, but, so then you just ache and seek that high again. And it's like almost becomes an addiction to that big dopamine hit. Um, which, and that you and I also spoke about recently, um, getting into relationships that are healthy, such as me and my husband and whatever, where it's like, oh, this is what it's supposed to feel like. It's not those crazy highs and big lows. Not like we don't have great days or great dates and different things, but yeah. It's a lot more even and not, oh my gosh, I'm on cloud a thousand and the world is perfect and then these deep lows Speaker 4: (11:33) And, and my prehealth cell would get boring. Yes. In healthier relationships. Like I said, I did have some fun secure relationships, so maybe it wasn't all attributed to that, but I do remember with my ex-husband when we first started dating about a month and a half in, I was just like, this is too easy. Yes. Speaker 2: (11:55) I was just gonna say, it's exactly what I said with my husband. I was like, I was like, I Speaker 4: (11:59) Think I'm gonna break up with him. I don't know, something off about this. Like, I don't know, I'm, and I remember like having to talk to son, be like, you actually, you actually prayed for somebody like this. Mm-hmm. , what are you gonna do? Do you really wanna go back to your like, toxic previous relationship? Which is kind of what I was considering. Yeah. Like going back to the like person beforehand. Yeah. Speaker 2: (12:21) Almost like there's an excitement and uncertainty that we Speaker 4: (12:25) Get Speaker 2: (12:26) Used to. Speaker 4: (12:27) Well, I got so used to, well, and also growing up, I growing up I would leave and then my parents like, you know, and they didn't have to like beg me back. And, uh, I got used to that to me being like, I'm glad I had like, okay, I'm leaving, right? This is, I don't like this. Um, but then I got used to someone constantly begging me back and so like in the previous relationship I was so used to leaving him, like doing whatever he needed to do to get me back. So like getting with my husband, uh, ex-husband, I was like, this is weird. There's like, you know, I subconsciously, I was kind of like, where's the drama? Where's the, you know, like this. Speaker 2: (13:06) Yeah. Speaker 4: (13:07) You know what I mean? It's almost Speaker 2: (13:08) The cat and mouse or the game of it. Yeah. Speaker 4: (13:11) Yeah. Like I don't, I don't even wanna call it excitement, but like, something just felt so different and I, I'm, you know, I ended up staying and not breaking up with him and doing all that thing, but we ended up still having like a, you know, we, we still had like a tornado hurricane relationship anyways, so he had, you know, unhealed things also from his past. And then we did not fight well, you know, like mm-hmm. , he, we did not fight well and you know, it was so that was like bad if we'd get an argument it was get like worse, you know? So. Right. Um, and I'm so glad that the boyfriend had, after him, he was like, so calm, like, so calm, so patient, you know, if we were arguing he was like, I was just like so impressed with like how calm he was. I was like, oh wow, . Um, that's so different. Yeah. Speaker 2: (14:03) And it's refreshing. I mean, after you get over the hill of it, like I did with my husband at first, I, I was literally just waiting for a shoe to drop. I'm like, okay, this first of all cannot be real. This is too easy. And then once I was like, I worked on myself a little to be like, you deserve easy peace. It's okay. Like I just wasn't used to it and kind of almost had to train myself to be okay with a healthy relationship. Speaker 4: (14:28) And Speaker 2: (14:29) Then it's like, even if it doesn't work out, if it's someone that's healthier and you know, like you and your ex may have not worked out, but you saw, look, there's, this is what it should feel like. The calm part of it and the, you know, maybe I don't know what, what worked and what didn't in that relationship, but whatever worked, it's realizing, oh, this is out there and I, I can get that and I deserve that behavior and that communication or whatever it is, it's, it's nice to, for me it was something I never really had until my husband. So having, it was this just light bulb of like, this exists. Like, once I got over the hump of like deciding, hey, I do want this and I'm okay and I deserve this. It was like relaxing into that. It was scary. But, so just, I don't even wanna say happy cuz it's a calmer feeling. Just this peace of like, I can have a life like this holy. You know? Yeah. Speaker 4: (15:27) Like, this exists and, you know, and I've met, I've dated, um, several men since my last relationship in the last two years. Some of them, you know, a couple months and then some of them just here and there because they don't live here. Speaker 2: (15:41) Mm-hmm. . Speaker 4: (15:42) And luckily they've all been, you know, very, most of them have been like just really great solid men. And, and it's really refreshing because the only unfortunate part was like, oh, they don't live here. I'm not doing that again. You know, like, I'm not doing long distance again. Old Carol would've done that, not this one. I'm not committing to somebody that's not in my vicinity. You know, there's already enough things that contribute to obstacles and relationships. I'm not gonna have the long distance one be an extra one. I, I did a long distance before I got married the whole time. We were long distance and then it created, I shouldn't say it created, but the fact that we didn't live in the same place and have all that, when we got married and lived together, it was very hard to navigate. Yes. When I moved to Houston and we were like living together for the first time and in the same city and the same home for the first time, it was rocky. That first nine months. Really rocky. Speaker 2: (16:38) Wow. Yeah. I had a, a long distance relationship as well. Same as you. Um, I think the earlier me would have been just like so excited, like, oh, I have this guy who likes me and I like him. And almost like, I don't say I was desperate, but a desperate energy toward the relationship because I was like, oh, this guy's great, you know? And then I had to realize, yes, but it just started, it was going on too long to not be together and same as you. It just doesn't work for me. It works for some people. Great. It just, it, it didn't work for me. So it was like, you know, that's okay. I see there, you know, he was a nice enough guy. I won't say the level of my husband cuz like nobody is, not nobody, but I mean mm-hmm. it, I didn't date many nice nicer guys anyway. And, um, it was just cool to see like, okay, well that can possibly happen. And then, you know, then I met my husband, which was just unreal and really like, I Okay, that's like a whole other level and Speaker 4: (17:44) Yeah. Well, and, and even, so here's the other reason I attracted certain dynamics because again, I didn't really know peace yet. I barely reached that in 2022. Um, which I'm so glad I did. It was just life changing. The caliber of men that exist, like your husband, like some of my friend's, husband's, boyfriends. I truly didn't believe in that. I didn't believe in it. I didn't think that existed. So I settled for what I thought was like, well this is, I mean, that's the best it's gonna get. Speaker 2: (18:22) Yeah. Yeah. Speaker 4: (18:23) Like, I just really just thought, you know, we asked, we're offload, but now when I really, and it's part of it, that part of that's my fault too. You have to believe in something to start seeing it, right? Yes. So once I started believing that and telling a different story that there are men, like the kind of me true like dream man I would want, that would be working for me, you know, a good fit for me. Mm-hmm. , I started seeing them like a lot more. Like I, I started meeting a lot of them. Unfortunately they don't live here, but I'm like, well, at least it's nice to see that there's so many great men out there and too bad we don't live in the same city, we're too far from each other. But it was really refreshing. Um, and you know, so when they come in town, when I'm over there, we'll see each other and it's fun and it's still nice to be in their presence, but yeah. And that, that was also cha like big Speaker 2: (19:14) For me. Yeah. And that's a great takeaway for listeners who are post narcissistic abuse can, as we know, do a lot of damage to our self-esteem and all of that, but also our faith and our trust. And even I had someone say, do I even wanna trust, like they're scared to even want to trust even open up vulnerable. Speaker 4: (19:35) Oh, I was terrified. So after the, the one I dated, I was 19 and, uh, we dated a few months, but he ended up being Yeah. At the end of the relationship. And that's when you learn more about a person when they're not getting their way right. Yeah. So at the end of the relationship when I left the relationship, the things he was doing, like threatening to kill himself, threatening to come to my home, you know, just harassing me to a certain extent. It, and I ended up, I remember doing something I regretted so bad doing. I remember paying a credit card for him because I kept, they kept calling him and I was like, why don't you just pay it? You know? And I, yeah. And I remember my gut instinct said, don't do that. But then I had to hold, I'd be such a bad girlfriend if I don't pay this credit card for him, which mm-hmm. Speaker 4: (20:15) that I was mad at myself for years after that. I was so angry, so bitter with men after him, went through a depression after that. Like, I just completely changed who I was for a while. Had no faith in men. And I literally called him Satan. Like that was his name for everybody knew. Like, I did not call him his name. His name was Satan for like, that was, I was like, yeah, my ex-boyfriend, I call him Satan. Um, I don't feel like that anymore. But for a while, like I, I had so much resentment towards all man because of him and, and just how much he switched on me, you know, after I think he thought like I had no other options or something. And I was la think again, fu , Speaker 2: (20:56) You're like back. Yeah. Sometimes it's empowering. Uh, yes. My ex told me, he said, you will never, when he realized he used to do same stuff, right? It's kind of like harassing and leaving stuff flowers and calls and tears. And when he finally realized like, oh, I think she's really serious this time, cuz we had broken up a couple times. He looked at me dead in the eye and said, you are never going to find someone like me. And I looked at 'em back and I said, thank God for that. Right? Yeah. Um, but sometimes it's almost empowering if you're at that point to have them turn, turn into the real them in the moment where they're not doing the like, oh, let me get her heartstrings or, you know, winner back over. And they have that moment where they can't help themselves and they have to be that. And that's Speaker 4: (21:51) Why I told them Satan, cuz I remember like the last, one of the last times I spoke to him in person, the last time I saw him in person, I had a, and I remember just telling, I was looking at him, I was so disgusted. I was like, who's this evil creature that was repulsed? And I remember like, I don't know what I told him, and he said he, I never will forget. He like kind of leaned back and he was just like, it was like such a fun, such an egotistical thing to say. But he said, yeah, sometimes I just like to lean back and look at all of the work I've done. like the, the, the, the Yeah. Messed up. I was like, Speaker 2: (22:27) Oh my Speaker 4: (22:28) Gosh, get me out of here. Right? Yeah. So like that kind of egotistical, narcissistic behavior absolutely. Repulses me. It disgusts me. Like complete, like any romantic feelings I had is like completely demolished at that point. I'm like, let's, ew. What a monster. Speaker 2: (22:46) Yeah. Let, and let's touch on that just for people who are listening and I, I've done some red flagged episodes and stuff, but for you, what, what are a few like deal breakers that seem narcissistic or abusive or just sign of a toxic person, right? We can label what we want, but at the end of the day, whatever toxic type of trait, what are a couple of those that stand out that you're just like, nope, Speaker 4: (23:11) Gaslighting. I know not everybody knows what that means, but someone who tries to create a scenario in which they try to make you feel like you're crazy or you don't know what you're talking about. Um, someone who you can't even disagree with without their claiming you're arguing, you know, or someone that is trying to make you think, you know, I I'm smart and educated enough to know what the going on. You know what I mean? Yes. Like, you ain't convincing me I'm nothing. I don't care who you are. Um, and, and I'm, I'm again ugly. I've been in healthy relationships where I can have, you know, these conversations right. With my boyfriend, my partner, and they're not doing that to me and they have a very healthy response. And so like, not having that healthy response is like, ugh, cringe. Yes. Get me outta here. Speaker 2: (23:53) It's such a turnoff now. Right? It is Speaker 4: (23:55) Disgusting. It is absolutely disgusting to me for somebody to try to, to do that to anybody really. Someone who's not self-aware, can't, can't do it. You know, I, I wonder like, that's why I ask, you know, when they about previous relationships and I wanna know how do they respond when I ask, well, what, you know, what do you think she'd say when people ask about you and her? Like what is she, what is her perception of the relationship? I love Speaker 2: (24:17) That. Speaker 4: (24:18) Because, you know, if they're only saying negative things, I mean, we all have neg I could say negative things about myself if I want to, but like, what would that person say were your issues. Mm-hmm. , what would the person say that made her feel bad or made her mad or triggered her? Like, what were your downfalls? You know? Yeah. Um, I love Speaker 2: (24:36) It. You got 'em up on that desk doing an interview, . Speaker 4: (24:39) Yeah. Well, and I learned that actually from, who was the girl that did singled out? Speaker 2: (24:45) Oh, Jenny McCarthy. Speaker 4: (24:46) I read a book of hers a long time ago, probably like 20 years ago. Yeah. And it was like a relationship book, but it was like a memoir, like kind of funny. But she talked about that and she said through her therapy she learned and that she, a guy friend was like complaining about his girlfriend and what she wasn't doing anymore, like, you know mm-hmm. , everything was on her. And she's like, okay, well, like cool. Now if I gave her the opportunity to vent about you, what would she say? You know, I love Speaker 2: (25:10) It. Speaker 4: (25:10) And yeah. And I was like, that's such a good way to reflect. And even on me, if I went to my ex-husband, my ex-partner, and I said, Hey, I want you to just have a vent session about me, what would you say? So even self-reflecting on that and thinking, what could they say? You know, what could I have done better? You know, what, what, what could they complain about me just to, to work on those things. Speaker 2: (25:33) Yeah. And it's not comfortable. Like none of us wanna sit there and like think about all our faults, but I think for those of us who have been through the work, who are self-aware, we're able to still do it anyway. And that is a difference. I mean, try to get a narcissist to, to talk about their faults. I mean Oh yeah. There'll be a red flag right away. They'll, they'll stutter or make a joke or something. There's no way they're gonna really pull Speaker 4: (25:59) That out. I asked one actually last few months. Yeah. Um, I asked somebody and he, when I asked, well, what, what would, what does she say? You know, I know you've said a lot and what, what does she, what does she say is the reason? Yeah. And he completely like, immediately, like just, he was like, oh, and I, of course she said, you know, whatever her things and, and that's it. He did not, he did not say what she says. So you didn't answer the question. I didn't say that, but I was like, that wasn't enough information for me to be like, no self-awareness, no ability to share. Speaker 2: (26:29) Yeah. You know, Speaker 4: (26:30) And, Speaker 2: (26:31) And a reminder, don't be afraid to ask these hard questions. Yeah. I know like you and I are perhaps bolder than some people, but give yourself permission. You know, like even if you're a more passive personality, you have to remember you are creating a new life for yourself after narcissistic abuse. And the only way you're gonna do that is by creating boundaries and setting standards for yourself. And, and these things can be part of that. So asking those hard questions, think of it as you could be saving yourself from a lot, a long time of pain or trying to figure something out when by these questions you can get a big peak under the hood . Right. Speaker 4: (27:11) Well, you know what in, Speaker 2: (27:12) What's in there? Speaker 4: (27:14) The difference too, when somebody has done work and their way they respond. So for example, my ex-boyfriend, uh, from college, I'll just, I'll call him D and uh, he said I could talk about him. We had, we, like I said, we didn't have a bad relationship. We had a really good relationship and we laugh about it all the time. We were together, like, we dated like three to four months mm-hmm. , but we were together every day cuz we worked together. We were together every day Yeah. For like, you know, 12 to almost 24 hours, you know, during that time for the span of three to four months. So I was like, even though we only dated three to four months, like that's a lot of time we spent together work, we got to know each other through work anyways. But when me and him talk about these conversations, and I'll ask him that about his previous, you know, longer term relationships and his responses are, that's a, that's a good question. And you know, I've reflected on that and I, what I did wrong. Mm. He's so comfortable. That's great. Answering those questions. He's already reflected on it. And if it is a question I've asked that he hasn't considered, same thing, God, that's a really good question. And then he'll answer it like, he has no discomfort. I love that. Sharing all those things as opposed to a man who's like, oh yeah. You know, just completely like, get me out. Speaker 2: (28:26) Well, of course she has her crazy narrative or her story, but Speaker 4: (28:30) Right, right, right, right. Yeah. It's so, it's, it's very different from a person who truly has done work and they can take a question like that. And it's not like triggering. It's like they appreciate like this really cool dialogue and reflection going on, reflecting on things. They're comfortable with it. And you know, usually people that have another work, they, they're not comfortable with it, but they're gonna escape that question fast. Speaker 2: (28:54) Yes. So, obviously we know this affects romantic relationships and for myself and my life, it has affected almost every other aspect of life. So, curious how this has affected maybe your friendships, if it's huge impact on my friendships, um, and just what I tolerated growing up versus now what do I tolerate and, uh, work life even just in day-to-day. Um, touch on how it's affected things outside of romance. Speaker 4: (29:22) I know back in college, I reached a point maybe somewhere midway in college. So leading up to that, of course you have your friends through elementary, middle school, high school. Unfortunately, you tolerate some things cuz you gotta see these people every day. Right. And sometimes it's better to keep someone close and keep them as an enemy. mm-hmm. . Um, but I reached a point where I completely no longer had anybody close to me who I could not trust around the man I was dating, who I could not trust around my money, my purse, who I could not trust to not just say bad to me, to a a friend. I introduced them to like someone who's trying to take my friends away or turn my friends against me, still my boyfriend. You know. And I had a lot of that for a long time. Not from a lot of friends, but mainly like one or a couple. Um, and I reached a piece even just from like relationship, like friendships I should say, um, for a long time. And I didn't come across another woman like that until, um, I was like 29, 30, something like that. And I recognized it immediately. Speaker 2: (30:28) No, don't, can't excuse it. Some people excuse it like, oh well she's insecure such a, I just don't care and I don't have time for that. Me neither. Like, we talk about it, Carol and I, we have phone conversations and she's one of my most uplifting friends and we have that dynamic and it feels so good. I've said to her, like, I just, I love our friendship because it's just like we're each other's cheerleaders and we wanna see each other rise. And, and that's how it should be. And some people just excu, there's a lot of jealous Speaker 4: (30:56) Yeah. Speaker 2: (30:57) Women who knock each other down out there. Mm-hmm. competitive and mm-hmm. . And it's just like, I, I don't get it. I just think it's gross. So, anyway. Speaker 4: (31:04) Well, and I think also something is, um, something like you and I have in common and also my other really close friendships. Um, and it's that even if something's going wrong, you know, even if you're struggling with something in your life, which I've, we've been friends long enough that you have, there are some things that you were struggling with and vice versa obviously is going through like, the most horrible breakup of my life. . Yeah. Um, but we never, and I knew, I never even had to worry about it. Like, felt jealous of one another, felt like I couldn't applaud you for anything great going on. It just like, for me, it's always inspiring to see great things happening for other people. Cause I'm like, that can happen for me. You know, like Right. I'm excited for you, especially considering the, you know, previous thing that's happened in your life and all my other friends. Speaker 4: (31:50) But it's also exciting cause it's just like, oh, it's like what the possibilities, right? Like that can happen for anybody. Yes. So, um, but yeah, there are those friends and I'm sure you've had 'em, that like, if things aren't going well in their life, like they don't want them going well in your life either. Oh yeah. And it's like, oh, like, you know, you can't even like, say anything and you can't be yourself anymore around them cuz you're like, okay. Like, I can tell they're just, they don't want, they don't, they're not happy to see things going well for me right now and that makes me uncomfortable and doesn't make me feel safe and secure around them. Mm-hmm. Speaker 2: (32:19) . And, and if they're triggered, you know, like that to me, you know, my, not my phrase I say all the time mm-hmm. , I overuse it and it might sound cold, but it's really just like, no, it's not mine to carry their triggers. And yes, I can have compassion, but if it's a pattern of somebody who is going to be jealous or whatever, like that's okay. But you can do that from a distance and you can go get help and therapy or whatever you gotta do to work through that. Because I don't wanna end up being like a punching bag for someone else's Speaker 4: (32:48) Mm-hmm. Speaker 2: (32:50) Stuff. Like, I went and did the work and I got help for certain things that did trigger me. Right. Um, in my life. And I think it's, it's up to us, it's up, uh, to us to make the decision that we wanna do better instead of sitting in those feelings of envy or, you know, com competitiveness. It's like, well look deeper. Why is that mm-hmm. and, and work on it man, . Right. Speaker 4: (33:16) Exactly. I can't a lot indulge. Speaker 2: (33:18) Don't Speaker 4: (33:18) Wanna do that. Living in that space, living in that energy. You know, I've learned, and I know you've learned too, is being very particular spec or picky aware of your audience of who you're going to for advice. Because not everybody's qualified to give the advice for what you're looking for. Speaker 2: (33:35) Amen. And Speaker 4: (33:36) Or in or in the right energetic space to, to be able to give you like a positive, you steer you in the right direction. Cuz sometimes people are gonna give you advice from their own triggers. Mm. And it's like, oh, you know, so I've learned that too, of like, okay, they're not the one to go to to ask for advice about this. You know, I'm gonna go to the person that I know could give me really good advice on this. Yes. And then even and generally Speaker 2: (34:00) In a healthy mindset. Mm-hmm. Speaker 4: (34:02) , you know, and, and I am so grateful and I know I've told you this and I've told some of my other really close friends, it's just like, God, thank you. You are home to me. I can come to you and never fear you're gonna be jealous or steer me in the wrong direction or not applaud, you know, things that are deserving. Um, or make me feel like I can't trust somebody. You know, I have a good amount of friends that I can go to for that, that are like ho that feels like home. I feel safe, I feel secure to give them a call, to spend time with them in person. It feels safe and secure. And once I recognize I'm not feeling that with someone, I'm listening, I'm like, Hmm, listen to this, listen to this. But like, listen to what you're feeling right now. Uh, there's something not energetically, you know, I can see it. I can feel . I'm like, no, I can feel that. And energy is really strong. And so I've learned that, yeah. I've been right about things that I've sensed. I've, you know, and it's come to fruition that certain energies, like they don't want the best for me. So, um, now I'm trusting that and I'm leaning in more and just really appreciating that at least I have people I can trust. Like, thank God. Like, I just, it helps me not feel alone. Speaker 2: (35:14) Yes. And Speaker 4: (35:14) You in in that Speaker 2: (35:16) You are should thank yourself too. And I, I've done that with myself. Like, yes, I'm so blessed, but I also took a while to get here where, like you said, I trust myself, my intuition, I'm, I've created an environment of safe people around me and mm-hmm. , I love that you use the word safe. Often people think of safe as like, not in harm's way physically or whatever. And I think it's important to remember safety is like that feeling of home and comfort and almost predictability in a way, right? Because with narcissists you get that unpredictability. You don't know what's coming through the door, you know, or by the hour you just don't know. It's this unsettled, unsafe feeling. And I think it's so important. I love that you said that surrounding ourselves with safe friends, it's really important. And I think that's a great word to remember for people listening. Speaker 2: (36:07) If you're, you know, just starting your healing journey and you're moving forward trying to recreate your life with healthy relationships all around, tap in with yourself and does this person feel safe? Mm-hmm. A a constant safe, right? Yeah. Not just up and down. Like one day you feel like, oh yeah, they love me. Oh my God, they're protecting me. They must love me. And, and then the next day they're not. Right? Mm-hmm. , it's like consistent, safe behavior. So yes. Mm-hmm. . I love that. What do you recommend people do who are at the start of diving into and understanding navigating narcissism? Because a lot of people come in here, right? On my podcast, like, okay, I wanna learn more. Like, what, what do you recommend? Speaker 4: (36:52) Well, I'm assuming they're, they're looking into it because maybe a breakup, they're reflecting, they're healing, they're wanting to heal something. They're, maybe they're recognizing there's something they wanna change. Like you said, confidence. Yes. Because if someone doesn't feel confident in their abilities to live without the job, to live without the man, the woman mm-hmm. , you know, the family member or whatever. If you don't have that confidence, well then, yeah, you are scared to leave. Cuz you're thinking, well, what am I going to do? Exactly. So if they're at the very beginning, then work on your self-talk and work on your affirmations and work on building your self-confidence up study. Do what you need to do so you feel like, Hey, I'm valuable. I'm getting to the point where you're so confident and it's not cocky, it's just confident. Oh, and those are self up. That's Speaker 2: (37:37) Our society, man. Gosh. Mm-hmm. , you say one positive thing about yourself or you share too much, people view you as overconfident or cocky and it's like, no, guess what I've learned. And that's, I think a lot of those are unhealed people. Because I will tell you, when I really went through my healing and learned, no, I'm not saying I'm better than X, y, z this person, it's, I am just as worthy as anybody else and I am as beautiful as anybody else. Right. And even to say that out loud, I'm like, oh, someone's gonna cringe out there listening to me say I'm beautiful. Right. . But we all, I mean, we are all these things and so many of us, especially women, and I'm not gonna say it's just women, but in general in our society, we have this dynamic of we are not really supposed to have pride and, and confidence in ourselves. Speaker 2: (38:35) And I know we're working on it as a society, I see the empowerment and self-care, like we're kind of getting there, but it's, it's still not where it should be. Um, and that's something I work on with clients, right? When we start working together, it's building that confidence by doing, we, we do like kind of an evaluation, um, of what's working and what's not. And digging deep. We don't sit and wallow in all of that, but like, we start off there because we have to see, well, where are we starting from and where do we wanna get? And then working with those tools to help build the confidence, the affirmations releasing. And we've done energy work, Carol and I like with yin yoga and reiki and all sorts of stuff, releasing that negative energy and you create space for all the good stuff, you know? Speaker 2: (39:21) And it's, it's such an amazing journey. I mean, to put silver lining on a horrible situation, I'm, I'm not grateful for what I went through, but it totally created who I am. And without it, I wouldn't, I don't think I'd be thriving and able to help the women as quickly and accelerate as I can because of what I've gone through and how I've healed in my journey, you know? So mm-hmm. , and I know, you know, you've had a journey too, and you talk about thriving, you know, I love that word. Carol is man, the epitome of thriving. To watch a single mom with two amazing boys, kicking at your business. And oh, you're just such an amazing human and I'm so glad we got connected to begin with, let's say. I don't know, it was like, at least it was like a decade ago, right? Um, Speaker 4: (40:13) It was a while back. Yeah. Yeah. What a blessing. Yeah. And I remember I used to watch your, your whiny Wednesdays and I had such a, I just loved you. I never would've thought that we'd like, somehow, I don't even know how we came friends, but , Speaker 2: (40:25) I remember, I was trying to think of that the other day. I was like, it was probably something makeup, we both did makeup videos on YouTube at the time too. Speaker 4: (40:32) Yeah. It's so, and you're like so funny and so bold and also so loving and caring and supportive and it's, oh, thank God. You know, just, it's so nice to have women like you that I've been able to meet and, and like, God, thank God I had you too after that breakup. Oh my God. Like, you know, I forget when I go back and, and remember mm-hmm. Like all the phone calls, the sessions we had, I mean, we were like meeting every week. Yeah. And I was like working on things every week. And that was the first time I'd ever faced all these dramas and wounds and stuff I needed to heal. Speaker 2: (41:13) And, and the key is though, you were ready. That was rush. You were ready though. And that's, um, you know, if you, whoever's listening out there, if you're in the beginning of this journey, you have to say, am I ready to have peace? Am I ready to be truly happy? Because until you decide to be ready, it's gonna be a way bearer struggle when you surrender and say, I'm gonna do whatever I have to do now because I just can't live like this anymore. And I want peace and I want calm and I want these things. They're talking about you. You have to make the decision to say, okay, it's time, it's go time. I said that to God. I remember having a prayer, I was like, God, I am ready. Like, bring it, please. You know? Mm-hmm. , you have to really just, Speaker 4: (41:54) Yeah. Well, and my whole life changed. My, my my routine changed. Yes. You know, for the first time I actually started prioritizing meditating and facing those things and like self-care and exercise and water and like the, you know, yoga every night. Like, just, just reflecting, like doing all those things that like I didn't prioritize it before and I've always been really busy and now it's a priority. Now someone's like, oh, can you do a meeting at this time? I'm like, mm. I'm still running at that time. . Right. You know, like, no, I'm, I'm barely getting back from my workout at that time, you know? Yes. Now it's like, I'm like, no, I'm not just saying like, oh you wanna do 7:00 AM No, because at 7:00 AM I'm working out, you know? Mm-hmm. . So Speaker 2: (42:35) Yeah. There's no excuses. And that's, yeah. Look, I can vouch, I could say I'm busy all I want, but that's me. I can vouch Carol is a busy, busy woman, right? . And she creates the time and I'm all about creating the time. We waste a lot of time. And you can create that intentional time to make sure you're putting yourself as a priority in your own life. I mean, it's pretty simple. Mm-hmm. , but a lot of us don't, don't do it. Don't worry. Speaker 4: (43:01) Yeah. I wasn't, I wasn't prioritizing those things. And once I started prioritizing them and I remember you telling me like, Hey, you need to spend a night or something where you're not booking anything that day. No, but meditating and I spent the whole weekend meditating. I did a, a yoga sound bowl on like a Friday night, which was amazing. And then Saturday and Sunday I booked nothing but just meditating self-care. Like that's it. It was like, I'm just gonna do this and I'm not gonna schedule anything. Cuz like you said, I always had some appointment in the back of my head. Yeah. Like, where's this gonna end? You know, like, Speaker 2: (43:34) No, you have to give yourself, Speaker 4: (43:36) That's, I have to give myself time. And it's actually pretty exhausting doing that too. Like you, it's like, it's like recovering from like reflecting and like working on that stuff. It's very draining. It's emotionally draining and so it's not easy to go through, especially when you have a full plate. But it's doable, but so worth Speaker 2: (43:54) It. So rewarding. Speaker 4: (43:55) Right. So worth it. So rewarding. So glad I did it sucked. But yes. Speaker 2: (44:01) It's so rewarding. You, you're one, you're like the perfect client because you, you listen, take the advice and even the hard stuff, like even spending that time and when you really wanna go be running around town and doing all the things, you took the time in the space. And so you, it's great to watch you reap the rewards. You know, we could, we could talk forever and ever. I'm sure I'll have Carol on again cuz I just enjoy you so much and you're so wise and uplifting and just such a reminder of how you can go from surviving or figuring things out, navigating to thriving, you know, and it's, it's awesome to watch. So mm-hmm , where can we find you in your marketing? Geniusness? Is that a word? Um, on social media? Are you I think yes. Being on Instagram, so Speaker 4: (44:53) Of course Facebook, Instagram. I just re restructured my TikTok cuz I lost it for a little bit. So I have nothing on TikTok anymore, but I'm about to start it. So Carol Lorraine is, they can find me if you just put that there. That's all my social media is. But yeah, my business account is sizzling marketing group on Instagram. Yes. My personal account, as you know, is the Caroline in the city, uh, which is linked. If you go to that Instagram account everywhere, you know, you'll just see Carol Lorraine if you just like Google that, they'll find me on LinkedIn and Speaker 2: (45:22) Yeah. And I can link it. Yeah, I'll link it in the show notes as well. So you can find our lovely Carol if you need any marketing assistance. But also she's just so fun to watch on like, on Instagram I joked saying, I think I see on there cuz like I stalk her on there. She has such fun reels and just, she's so open and she's just awesome to follow. So go follow her regardless. And if you want to work with me, do some coaching, dig deeper and want that accountability and support, um, I will link my website. It's www.christyjade.com. There's a work with me section, but I'll also link it. Everything's always in the show notes. Um, but thank you so much for taking the time out today of your busy schedule and helping. I mean, these conversations are helpful, so thank you so much. Mm-hmm. Speaker 4: (46:12) . Well, yeah, and if anybody does come from, from this podcast to my social media, leave me a comment and let me know you came from the, the podcast. That'd be helpful. Speaker 2: (46:20) Oh yeah, that's, Speaker 4: (46:21) Yeah, I mean, it's all, I love connecting and actually seeing the face or the people. Speaker 2: (46:25) Yes. I love that. Mm-hmm. . All right, well, we will be back at some point talking about something else because I just feel that in my soul. But, um, mm-hmm. , you all have a wonderful day and don't forget to subscribe to the podcast so you get all the notifications and remember, you are awesome. You're amazing, and you deserve the best. All right. Love you guys. Bye. Speaker 5: (46:46) Bye.

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Speaker 1: (00:00) Good morning, good afternoon, or goodnight, wherever you are. Hello, I'm so glad you joined me. And today I have a special episode talking about a wound, a narcissistic wound, of course, that people don't really talk about. And maybe it's not so obvious, even though I would say a hundred percent of us have. So stay tuned. Speaker 1: (00:22) Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with? I'm wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:20) We have talked about effects of narcissistic abuse. There are many, many, many of them. And in today's episode, we're gonna talk about the one that pretty much everybody has. I've had it, all my clients have it. It's something that's underlying and it's something that we have to maintain because of the level of narcissistic abuse and what it does to our mind, body, and dang soul, okay? It is chronic fatigue. When you have been exposed to narcissistic abuse, your nervous system, it gets stuck. You are stuck in that survival mode. You're always walking around on eggshells, right? You're hyper aware of everything going on around you, and you know you're listening, you're looking, your senses are always heightened in your environment to protect yourself and stay safe. I can remember back when I was going through narcissistic abuse, especially the physical abuse, just that fear of what's on the other side of the door. Speaker 1: (02:21) Do I need to protect myself? And it's just that fight flight fawn, whatever mode you go into, but you're always on. Every part of you is just always on. I mean, that sounds tiring enough. But what happens is when you are on that, you're running on adrenaline, you're running on cortisol, you're running on these stress hormones, right? So once you disconnect, once this person isn't in your daily life, once, you're not having to have that protection and that armor on so tight, there's no longer this constant dependency on stress, right? And those hormones that it actually will cause fatigue. I was kind of thinking about it in comparison. I mean, it's kind of off, but you'll get my comparison. I like analogy. So here we go. So I was comparing it to when I was like so focused, and you all can probably relate when you're so focused on studying for finals or some huge test. Speaker 1: (03:21) But let's do finals, because usually that's multiple classes. You know, it can be a couple of weeks of really preparing. Or if you're like me, a procrastinator, maybe a couple days and, but you're thrown into something, maybe pulling all nighters, putting your own self-care aside, over stuffing that brain. But imagine that times a million with trauma and abuse thrown into it and needing to stay safe during that time, which is often way more time than the time you would spend to prepare for a final, right? For a lot of us, it was years, decades of abuse that was embedded in our daily life. So that is why so many of my clients come to me after they disconnect from a narcissist, and they're like, now what? Right? We're so acclimated and our body physically is acclimated to this type of lifestyle. So here we are going, okay, now what? Speaker 1: (04:16) You literally have no idea really what to do, where to start, your body, your mind, everything's just been shaken up, flipped upside down. Sure, there may be relief, of course, but there's a whole identity of yourself that you are losing, and part of that identity is constant stress in your mind and your physical body, right? So that seems like, oh, that would be, that would be great, right? And it is great, but it's also when any big changes happen that can lead to exhaustion and just different chemicals, hormones, you know, changing and having to recalibrate. So that leads us to the what now. And that what now goes beyond one podcast episode and is what I do with my clients, help them heal, find peace, find freedom. But let's get to the basics, right? Just to start out, first of all, you need sleep, rest, your body needs rest, your mind needs rest, sleep is great. Speaker 1: (05:14) But if rest is all you can get at the moment, we're still going through healing, we're gonna still have ruminating thoughts, but rest is so, so important. Like a queen bear in winter. Okay? You're gonna be a queen bear. This is your order. You need to get that rest. Now, one week of good sleep, that's, that's not gonna do the healing. That's not everything you need to do. So this is something where if you want change, you truly want peace in your life, you want to find that calm, you wanna find that balance, you are going to have to make changes in your routines, right? So I'm not gonna overwhelm you, and we're gonna get to this in a second. We're gonna do this in like little baby bits, so stay with me here. But we're gonna get into a pattern of at least trying to be able to get sleep here and there maybe once a week if you can, sleeping in. Speaker 1: (06:00) And we'll get into how to do that because I know a lot of us live busy lives, we're parents, all of that. But the other things that we need to do, and we're gonna do these one at a time, okay? So just stay with me. I'm saying this because I know how overwhelming it is in the beginning, and this is why it's great to have support and whatever, but I'm here trying to at least give you some bits and tips that you can take with you. And they may seem simple, but I'm telling you, they will be life changing if you can implement them one by one, and the order in which you wanna do it is up to you. So nourishing your body with healthy foods. Yeah, talking about the fruits and veggies, like this is simple stuff. But sometimes when we are so overwhelmed or exhausted, it's easy to reach for the takeout or the pink sprinkled donuts. Speaker 1: (06:51) I mean, what I'm human. So really making an effort to eat healthy, taking supplements if you need to, like go get your physical girl, go see what you need in that body getting out. Nature is another thing. Having alone time and not, I mean, alone time is super important for this healing process, but also it is important to connect and kind of regain trust in people, which can take some time, right? Depending on your situation. But even getting out with new people, uplifting people. And I have episodes on that. I have some friendship episodes and you can find, but there's, and this is also actually a really great time to keep on decluttering the people who are mistreating you or dragging you down. So it's like, while we're at it, let's, let's keep on a roll here, because you are protecting your peace and odds are if you've tolerated from one person, you've tolerated from multiple people. Speaker 1: (07:45) So again, this is a one, one piece at a time journey, but that might be something for me, that was one of the first things I did was also say, okay, what other people are in my life? Maybe I can't disconnect like so black and white yet, but who do I probably need to distance from now that I realize I'm getting mistreated by more than one person and I've tolerated a type of behavior because I was raised to accept this behavior and now I'm realizing I don't like that, I don't like that feeling. I don't like to be controlled, I don't like to have to walk on eggshells. So that is also an option at this time. Again, the order of this and the frequency or speed of this is up to you and your path. It is always helpful to have someone along for the ride. Speaker 1: (08:33) Like I said, and you guys probably know if you've been listening, I had my own therapist, I had a coach, both narcissistic, knowledgeable . So I do always say that even if it's a therapist you go to, I would love you to go to someone who actually has dealt with a narcissist in their own life. Um, that's just my personal suggestion. So it's not easy, you know, disconnecting from narcissist, period. It's not easy healing, it's not easy trying to create a new support system around you, right? It's not easy. But these truly are things you have to do to heal and clear space for that peaceful, joyful life that I promise you can have. And look, this, this crap is overwhelming as it is, right? I do not wanna overwhelm you. So remember, start with one thing. What is one thing you can change in your daily life to start healing? Speaker 1: (09:31) Don't overwhelm yourself. Like what seems the easiest to you? Is it just changing your diet, drinking more water? Is it cutting out the friend who always complains? Maybe there's just a coworker that maybe you could, they're just really up in your, texting you, complaining, whatever. Maybe it's shifting that relationship. You can do things slowly and on your own timetable, but the the trick is getting closer and closer to a peaceful life. Okay? So, and maybe that is getting out in nature every day for a certain amount of time. Maybe it is asking for help from a parent of yours, maybe a friend. If you're, let's say you're a single mother and you know, all this has just happened and you're exhausted, ask somebody for help and say, can you come over so I can take a two hour nap every Saturday for a little bit, right? Speaker 1: (10:23) There are ways to ask for help. I know it's hard, but you're worth it and you do deserve it. And after you implement one thing, sparkle by sparkle, I like to call it , your first sparkle in your life. Once you've got that going a little bit and you're feeling a little better in that area, add another. So once you're getting a little more sleep, you've got a rhythm, then maybe throw a little broccoli down your ch you get my point. So it's one by one. It, it doesn't have to be so hard, doesn't have to be so heavy and you don't have to do it alone. So I am here if you would like to work with me. All my information is always in the show notes, aka a podcast description on any platform that you're listening to. It will be there. I will leave my information on how to work with me. Speaker 1: (11:08) That link, I will leave my email if you have questions or you can feel free to email me. I have a free Facebook group that's a nice support group for narcissistic abuse victims. It's a women's only group. And before I go, I want to remind you, you are beautiful. You are strong af for helping yourself get out of a toxic situation. And even if you're in it and you're listening to this and you're wanting more for yourself, that's a first step. And be proud of even that, okay? It's hard. These are very hard situations. This is not for the faint of heart. And you can do this. You can do this. All right, I will see you in the next episode. I have a special guest, my client and friend Carol Lorraine, chatting about her experience with narcissistic abuse. We have a really great conversation, so make sure to hit subscribe. You do not wanna miss this episode. Smooches and Doses.

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Obsessive thoughts got ya down? Listen in on this week's episode for 5 ways to stop your ruminating thoughts after narcissistic abuse

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And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 

https://www.christyjade.com/

Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!

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Let's connect on social media!

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After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233

 

TRANSCRIPT:

Speaker 1: (00:00) Oh my Queens. This one's a hard one. These obsessive thoughts. I have so many clients come to me with this. I went through this. I remember not being able to concentrate at work. Literally having to go to the bathroom and be like, okay, get it together. Focus, because of my narcissistic situation inside of it. And even after we disconnected, it almost became worse in a different way, even though I was actually the one who broke it off with the narcissist. So cozy up, get a little drink, let's hang out. Let's talk about how to stop these obsessive thoughts, how to help stop them. We can't stop them immediately right away, but there are a lot of ways to do that. Also, the podcast episode before this is more about why we have these obsessive thoughts, especially after a narcissistic, abusive situation. So check that out either now or, or save it and listen to it later. Stay tuned for five glorious ways to help us with these obsessive thoughts. Speaker 1: (01:06) Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (02:03) All right? So first of all, remember, give yourself grace and patience with this process. Nothing is overnight, but it is possible to undo this damage and find peace and freedom from narcissistic abuse. So the first thing I'm gonna say, and this is one that helped me earlier on in the journey, especially when I had to just get out of my head immediately, and that is changing your environment. And it sounds simple, but you've gotta stir up that motivation to do it. First of all, you can't do it without doing it, but change your environment. I would literally go outside, like I said, even if I was at work, if I couldn't get outta my head, I would be like, all right. Hmm. Taking a little elevator ride down to the first floor and going outside, just shaking it off, saying, you know, saying hi to people, even in the lobby of my office, whatever, kind of distracted my brain a little bit to break the the cycle. Speaker 1: (02:59) So changing your actual environment, especially if you have time, you can go and hang out in nature. You can go for a run, pick up the phone, call a friend. Don't talk about the narc though. You've gotta make decisions and choices too, right? So change your environment and change. Change the thoughts, right? Like decide to talk about something else. If you are going to call someone or watch a funny show, like I said, get out, go to a store. I feel like it's a lot easier to get into our heads and really spiral down if we are sitting in our home alone in a quiet space, right? And over time we will have to find other coping mechanisms. But in the very beginning, that was something super helpful and it's something I still use today. I mean, in general with life stresses, that is one of my go-to things, is to get outside, do something healthier than sitting in my little brain full of crazy thoughts. Speaker 1: (03:58) Okay, number two, practicing mindfulness. If you've been following me, you know, I'm a big fan for a reason of all the meditation, yin yoga specifically. Um, it's a practice that involves paying attention to the present moment, right? So by focusing on the present moment, you may be able to reduce the power of those intrusive thoughts related to the past abuse or current abuse. You may be listening to this if you are currently in this situation as well. So I'm trying to address everybody. Um, mindfulness practices can include the meditation, deep breathing, you know, breath work and yoga. Number three is using grounding techniques. So these can help you feel more connected again to the present moment and less overwhelmed by those thoughts. Some of these include breath work, right? It's the same sort of thing. It's it's mindfulness, but it also is a physical activity that's going to ground you focusing on physical sensations. Speaker 1: (05:01) And I do this and talk about this with my clients. I even do this with my eight year old daughter. When she's a little, she gets a little anxiety, especially, she's kind of a perfectionist. Anybody relate, anyone have perfectionism or kids that have perfectionism? Um, so sometimes with her schoolwork, I mean literally if she gets below a 90%, she, she gets a little anxious. So in the moment we do the sensory activities, which is like I do something like, okay, find something, a red something that's the color red in the room. And then I want you to shut your eyes and smell. Is there any smell you can pick up? Then we do something with touch, maybe like find a very soft texture in the room or maybe find a, you know, more rough texture. Um, then one of my favorites is because there's always some sort of noise, even if it's some sort of room noise or a fan or birds chirping, shutting your eyes. Speaker 1: (06:02) And I like to say find two sounds cuz there's usually more than one. And you can do this and you can repeat this and change it. You know, you can then look for something the color teal, like make it a little tricky. Um, but that is a grounding technique that I really like, um, for any situation. But it does help you get out of that ruminating thought process as well. Number four, self care. If you know me, can you hear my snap? Yes, I'm snapping with excitement. I love self-care, but taking care of yourself can help you feel more empowered and less overwhelmed by the intrusive thoughts. So activities of self-care can include exercise. This is an amazing one. This is why running and for me it's dancing. I love dance. Um, it's so therapeutic. You literally are forced to kind of get outta your mind and be paying attention to what you're doing. Speaker 1: (07:02) It's hard to think as deeply and ruminating while you are engaged in physical activity. So that's a huge one for me. Again, spending time in nature is taking care of yourself, like getting that sitting in gratitude in nature too, right? Like gratitude is so important in self-care because, and I, and I do practices not just what I'm grateful for and I pray I'm a big God lady. Um, I pray and thank God, but I also practice gratitude for the things I have done. So it could be, what are five things you're proud of this week, right? So that's your homework. I'm sticking homework in today. I want you to email me and my email's always in the show notes, but it's fierce mama m a m a c gmail.com. I want you to just email me just two. We're gonna start easy cuz I know this is hard when you're coming out of abuse, I want you to say two things. Speaker 1: (07:59) You're grateful for that you did, you accomplished your wins. Okay? So email me that this week. Um, so definitely the gratitude, sitting in nature and engaging in any hobbies you enjoy. What's something maybe you couldn't do anymore? Maybe you were in a narcissistic situation where you were being controlled or you were having to live for somebody else. You forgot who the hell you were. We're gonna remind you. That's what I'm here for. I'm here for you 2.0, that's my jam, right? Ask any of my clients. Um, we want that 2.0 you that's like, yes, I am a queen, I know I'm a queen. Even if you don't feel like that right now, you are going to, if you work with me, oh, you're gonna feel like a queen lady. And what, where did you lose yourself? What ha what haven't you done that you loved to do years ago? Speaker 1: (08:50) Or maybe just always thought, God, I would love to paint or I would love to knit, or I would love to cook like more, you know, from scratch or bake more, whatever it is. There's so many freaking hobbies, photography and there's group courses where you can meet people. So that's another really good way to nourish and self care. So think about is there a class you can sign up for now that it's just you and you get to decide to live for just you, you don't have to worry about someone else and walking on eggshells, what can you do? And despite, maybe it wasn't a romantic situation or one that had that much control, maybe it was a sibling or a parent that you didn't live with, but just the dynamic of growing up with that, even in your childhood, you have a different way about you where you can develop people pleasing mentality, right? Speaker 1: (09:49) So let's please ourselves. Okay, that's a whole other episode. that came out wrong. No, but you know what I mean. What can you do for you now? So also this week try to think about what, what hobby can you pick up? Maybe you can join a class. I've gotten emails recently, uh, multiple people saying I inspired them to start doing more for themselves. And that makes me so happy. Keep it up. What can you do for you? Sign up for a yoga class. Sign up for a dance class. I'm gonna be starting in end of June. I am going to be doing a hip hop dance class that actually has a performance at the end of the session. Do you know how queen? I feel , I'm a queen. Oh my gosh, I'm so excited. I've done hip hop dance since I was 14 and there were years I did not do that. Speaker 1: (10:43) And now I get to get back to it and I am so excited. So yes, so make that part of your to-do list this week. Um, find something where you can really self-care and that includes finding something that you have lost or you never had but have been interested in doing. All right, number five, uh, seek support. I would not be here today without the support of somebody who went through narcissistic abuse. I repeat again, I don't care if it's a therapist, I don't care if it's a life coach like yours truly, or a support group. Make sure it is somebody who has gone through it. I cannot emphasize that enough. I first went to a therapist that said they knew about narcissistic abuse. I was so excited. I said, oh good. I don't know. I don't think everyone knows about it. Uh, we were on session one and it was horrendous. Speaker 1: (11:48) It just, it was not a match. And I said, have you been through narcissistic abuse? And he said, no, but I've studied it. And I said, well, I think you need to study it more. Which I mean, probably wasn't the best answer, but I'm feisty Christy, what can I say? Um, I was like, there needs to be a little more studying there because what he actually recommended for me was detrimental. And I knew that I'm very self-aware. I, I dig a lot, I research a lot and I knew what he was telling me to do was not enough and could even be detrimental. So I encourage you to find someone who is familiar but not just familiar, but has gone through this type of abuse. Specifically. I, that being said, in therapy you can do cognitive behavioral therapy and emdr, which stands for eye movement, desensitation and reprocessing. Speaker 1: (12:40) So those are successful things that you can do through therapy. Again, I do suggest doing them with someone who is very familiar with an narcissistic abuse and has experienced themselves. Or some of my, actually a lot of my clients are doing therapy like that and then have me wor are working with me to kind of make up for what their therapist isn't as experienced in. So the therapist might have that emdr, which they can do and they know which, um, thoughts to help work through. But then as far as the narcissistic abuse, specifically, my clients will be working with me to work through that stuff, right? And I do tapping and other, other therapies that can also help people through rewiring those thoughts. So if you do want to truly accelerate your healing path, this is my specialty, I'm running a half off coaching for the month of May. Speaker 1: (13:36) If you sign up in May, that means you are grandfathered into this pricing for the, you know, if you buy a package of one month, three months, six months, whatever a year to party it up with me, whatever it is, you are grandfathered into half off of that price, which is, I have not done that before and I'm really excited I'm here for it, but I am only doing it for two clients because just I, I do have to profit in my business. So this is really, really a good value. Um, and I put a lot into my coaching. You can ask any of my clients. I have testimonials. Um, I'm in the weeds with you. I am in there and in between sessions we do check-ins and I really, really care. And you are not just a number to me. You are a person and I want you to succeed. Speaker 1: (14:23) So I'm in it, I'm really, really in it. So you're gonna get a lot of value. So you can sign up in my show notes, there will be a link there, um, to schedule your first call. And don't forget, I also have an epic free meditation if you have not got it. It is a four minute mood boosting meditation you are going to love that is in the show notes as well. So I would love to work with you though. Um, any questions, always feel free to email me and I can't wait to help you find peace. You deserve it. So remember again that this healing is a process. It's gonna take time, but be patient kind to yourself as you work through this experience. Remember, you are amazing. You are smart as hell, and you deserve to have a calm and joyful mind. So don't forget to subscribe. See you in the next episode.

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Do you have obsessive thoughts about a narcissist in your life? In today's episode I share 4 reasons you can't stop thinking about them or the situation. 

Work with me for onlly $97 for the month of May!

https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/

My FREE 4 MINUTE empowering meditation:

https://christyjade.ck.page/insider

Join my free facebook group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

EPISODES MENTIONED:

What is GASLIGHTING? (ep 23)

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-23-what-is-gaslighting-the-narcissists-favorite-8/id1662241353?i=1000610540022

The Cycle of Abuse: (ep 6)

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-6-the-cycle-of-abuse-and-how-to-avoid/id1662241353?i=1000596278747

WORK WITH ME:

https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching

Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?

Grab my E-Course here:

https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse

And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 

https://www.christyjade.com/

Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!

fiercemamac@gmail.com  

Let's connect on social media!

https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/

https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy

After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233

 

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1: (00:00) Welcome to, but still she thrives. On today's episode, we are going to talk about all of those nasty, annoying sleep, disturbing stomach ache, causing obsessive thoughts we have over the narcs in our lives. Why can't we stop thinking about them? Stay tuned. Speaker 1: (00:19) Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:17) So I have had more than five clients recently talk about how disruptive the thoughts are, even after disconnection, even when you're out of the relationship. What is going on that I'm still obsessing, I'm still thinking about whether it's the narcissist, the relationship, what they did wrong. There are all of these obsessive thoughts. So let's dive into the why today, and then we're also gonna talk about how to help those thoughts in the next episode. So narcissists tend to target empaths and people who are more thoughtful by nature, right? They're easier targets, lucky us. Woo. So as those types of personalities, we tend to overthink as it is, then you throw in a manipulative narcissist who knows how to create a co-dependent situation with us. If and when we get strong enough to finally get out, which congratulations, by the way, our brain will still be stuck there for a while. Speaker 1: (02:19) And this is normal. This is normal in our situation, okay? For us who we are, and this situation, it's normal. Our brains really want to fix any problem. A lot of us can be people pleasers or we're so trained to please a certain person that our brain wants to fix any problem immediately because we are set up where we feel like, especially in narcissistic, abusive situations, if we don't fix the problem, it's gonna become a bigger problem. We are going to get emotionally or physically abused, right? This is how our brain is set up. So it is very normal for us to want to fix all the problems. So if we can't figure something out, our brain is going to ruminate, ruminate, ruminate. And with narcissist, it's usually a situation that cannot be fixed without disconnecting from them entirely, right? So if you are in the situation, it's even harder because truly living with a narc, you're going to always have these problems. Speaker 1: (03:21) They're always going to to create this dynamic. When you are disconnected, that's great, that's a huge step forward. But there still is work to be done because your brain is set up this way. So it's still trying to problem solve all the time, and it's trying to figure things out. But why do narcissists tend to make the obsession unbearable like it is? Because they've set up this codependent situation. This means they're already creating a relationship with us that is obsessive by nature. They confuse us, which leads us to having to spend more time trying to figure them out, trying to figure our relationship out or our, you know, past relationship with them out, like what just happened. That's a very common thing to feel when you get on the other side. You are like, what just happened to my life, right? Trying to figure out what is wrong with us. Speaker 1: (04:13) By the way, it's nothing. You're a fly queen, okay? We'll get there. That's another episode. Trying to figure out if we should stay or go or why we didn't leave earlier, or how it affects us and has damaged us or our children, right? There's a lot of figuring out. So they are so strategic, they know exactly how to make sure they stay on our mind and have control of us and our minds, even when we leave, even when we are apart. So they're still in there. The longer you've been with a narcissist, the harder it may feel to get out of these thoughts. But girl, I promise it is possible. Okay? So keep that hope up. All right. Now let's dive into how they do this specifically. So, so if you've been doing your research, you may know what gaslighting is. I have a whole episode on it. Speaker 1: (05:01) You may want, if you don't know what it is, you may want to also listen to that episode. I think it's episode 23. I will put that in my show notes. If you're like, what are show notes, Christy. , just go to wherever, whatever platform you're playing this on, right underneath, if you click, there should be information about each and every episode that has all my information, how to contact me, any pertinent information that I talk about during the episode, like this, you know, I'm talking about another episode you may want to reference. All of that good stuff is in every single episode's, show notes, they're all, they all have their own separate show note page on whatever, um, platform you are on. Okay? So back to gaslighting. So if you don't know what gaslighting is it, go watch that episode. But gaslighting is something they do that it really makes us feel crazy and wonder if we are in the wrong and one makes us wonder, are we causing the problem? Speaker 1: (05:59) So this leads to more obsessive thoughts to try to figure these things out. They also give us the silent treatment. This is something, ooh, they love a good silent treatment to control you when they're not communicating. This leads us to trying to get into their heads to figure out what they are thinking. Again, obsessive thoughts and all a part of their big nasty plan to keep control over our minds and our hearts, which it's worked. But if you're out, you broke through again, congrats. But these are things that have created the dynamic. So if you're wondering, how did I get like this? Why am I so obsessed? There's all of these parts play a part into it. Narcissists also play hot and cold games. We call it the yo-Yo, right? They are known for sucking you in, in the beginning with making you feel special, making you feel so alive and like you're the best thing since sliced bread or pink sprinkled donuts. Speaker 1: (06:59) But I'm, I'm a little biased. As soon as you get sucked in, they will start yo-yoing, you creating conflict, being abusive, lying, gas, lighting, cheating, name calling. Maybe the physical abuse starts earlier on it, it usually kind of graduates to getting worse. But even in that very first start of the cycle, right? There's a cycle of abuse where, and I have an episode on that I will link, um, but it starts out all the, like, this is your dream life and it's just this honeymoon, but it's beyond honeymoon usually it's usually a little more, um, they're laying it on a little thicker, really whining and dining and making you feel special and the complimenting all that. Then the yo-yo starts in where they start mistreating you, but you are already kind of sucked in and then it, it's just the cycle that continues, right? They suck you in, they spit you out, they suck you in, they spit you out and spit you out. Speaker 1: (07:54) Meaning the abuse, the lying, the shaming, all of the above, right? So imagine what your brain goes through, right? They're creating this conflict and then making it up to you. And they're princes charming. So they'll buy gifts, make promises, give those compliments. That is the cycle. And that my queens will enhance those obsessive thoughts because it's so confusing and it's involving your heart and your mind and your spirit. It's involving every single part of you creating this dynamic. So of course, of course this is going to be very difficult once you get out. So there are reasons we can get so obsessive in general, even after we have disconnected. That's why it can be so hard for us to escape. And often we can get sucked back in to the unhealthy situation a lot easier with them than someone else who does not create this codependent dynamic, right? Speaker 1: (08:52) A healthier person, let's say when you have a breakup with a healthy individual, it can be hard, but narcissists will make it a thousand times harder. And that dynamic we already have will create it to be more challenging. But again, that doesn't mean we can't do it. I've done it and have helped many clients through this. It is possible. It is possible. And if you would like to work one-on-one with me to get support that is needed on a journey like this, I am offering half off my coaching for the month of May. You'll, so you'll be grandfathered into this pricing for the remainder of your package. So whether you sign up for a month, three months, six months, a year of this mamma, Jamma, Christy, whatever it is, you will be grandfathered in to this pricing that will go up. So I only have two more spots for clients because this summer I am going to take it down a notch so I can enjoy this summer with my daughter. Speaker 1: (09:51) So I will be having, taking on less clients. So I have two more spots open. So go check the show notes for that link to sign up. It will give you the, the app pricing cuz you're a queen. And I just, I can't wait to help more women find peace. Like this is my jam. I'm so excited. So don't forget. Also, I have a free, amazing four minute meditation for you that is in the show notes. That's really cool. So go check that out. It's like a morning mood boost and it's literally four minutes. Everyone has four minutes in the morning, everyone, even the president of the United States. Do you think he wants my mood boost? Should I send him, should I send him my freebie ? Okay, so remember that healing from abuse is a process and it may take time to reduce the intensity of the obsessive thoughts. Speaker 1: (10:41) So be patient and kind to yourself. There's no magic pill, it's gonna do it overnight. But next episode, I will have a few techniques on how I have worked through this in my life and how my clients work through theirs. And we all use different tools. There's a bunch of tools you get to, you know, kind of customize how you want to do it, but there are a lot of tools to work through it and they are successful. So be patient and hopeful. . And remember, you are beautiful. I mean like Superfly, and you are worthy of uplifting and peaceful thoughts. So let's break this cycle. I'll see you in the next episode. Don't forget to subscribe so you get notification for it. Have a wonderful day.

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Does Your Narcissist Ex Miss you? When you go no contact, or they dispose of you, are narcissists capable of missing you? Listen to this podcast episode to get the answer!

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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233

TRANSCRIPT:

Speaker 1: (00:00) Last episode we talked about going no contact. So I thought, well, why not talk about does your ex narcissist, whether it's romantic friend, family, do they miss you? So we're gonna touch on that in today's episode. Speaker 1: (00:17) Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:38) I have had this question come up a lot. Does my narcissist ex whatever? Miss me. First of all, why do we wonder that? Because a good narcissist loves to keep us wondering, right? And we also know that they don't really function like healthy humans. So we get very confused by their emotions, by their communication. So they're confusing beings. We are left with many, many questions, aren't we? But I would love to clear this question up for you today. Okay, so do they miss you? It is somewhat of a complicated answer, but I'm gonna break it down. We are going to use an analogy. Yay. It's analogy time. Alright, we are going to compare this to a drug addict. Their drug and their dealer. You my friend, were their dealer. The energy they sucked out of you to build themselves up. The control they needed was their drug and they are the addict. Speaker 1: (02:30) So though this hurt me a lot to hear, and I know it hurts people when I talk to my clients about it, it's hurt. It's really hurtful, but it's something once you break through the pain of that, it's like such a relief and really empowering and helps you on your healing journey. But honestly, the narcissist, the drug addict, they don't miss the dealer. They don't miss you. They miss what you provided them, okay? You provided them the control they needed the energy they sucked out of you, right? For their own energy feed. You know, if you have studied narcissism, you know what I'm talking about. So the life they sucked out of you and to build themselves up, right? They miss that. They don't miss you as a person. And of course they miss how you made it easier to get their drug. But once they get a new dealer, let's say they move on in a relationship or if it's a friendship, you'll see they quickly move on to new people. Speaker 1: (03:26) That is a common thing with narcissists. Then they will dispose or stop coming after you, right? Because you know right away they freak out. They're like, oh my drug, my drug, I need my drug. Where's my dealer? And so they will claw you trying to get you back. They will try everything. They will try manipulation, they will try sweetness and flowers and cookies. Was that just me? And then they will get mad if you're not responding to it, not giving them what they want. And they will get angry. I mean, they try guilt trips. They try everything right in the beginning when you disconnect. It is very difficult. But if they get a new quote supply, as we call it that they can supply, deal them their drug, they will forget about you. That's if you get off lucky, it'll be a nice clean break. Speaker 1: (04:11) That's not often the case, but it can happen. So not to say it lasts forever. They may have a split from their new dealer and come back weeks, months, even years later, looking to see if you can give them what you need. If you're still there, if you, if they still have control of you and they will dress it up like it is you and that you are special. And I wanna stop and take a moment and say, you are special. You're a very special, beautiful flower, but you are not special to them. And that is the part that's like, ooh, I know it hurts. So I want you to repeat. I want like your hand on your heart and say I am special , okay? And we're getting cheesy here. I don't care because I want you to feel that you are special just because you're not special to them that means nothing. Speaker 1: (04:53) They don't know how to treat people, right? Nobody's special to them. It has nothing to do with you. They're incapable of appreciating special people. They're incapable of loving the way we do. Okay? So it's nothing to do with you. So I do just wanna stop and let you feel that and know that you are special. And it, that part has nothing to do with you, okay? They don't work like rational, healthy humans who know how to appreciate and love. Okay? So it's all about control to them. I actually have a little story, story time and Christie, this is just an example of how they do move on and get new supply. And then they, whether or not they have it or not like it, it might be kind of working but not as easy to get as it was from you. Maybe look, I'm an empath. Speaker 1: (05:39) Oh my heart strings, forget it. You, you get me with nostalgia. I'm yours. I'm putty in your hands, right? So one of my narcissists knew this about me, right? And I don't know if he had new supply or not, but probably a year or two after we disconnected, they reached out. I had not learned about narcissism. I didn't know really the whole situation. I knew it was toxic. I got out of it, but I didn't know it on a deeper level. And so I did fall prey again, okay? A little story time that not so proud of, but this can be part of our journey, right? So they had forgotten about me, but then they reached out out of nowhere saying they missed me and please could we get together? I had been so strong for so long, moved on and I think they doubted I would, right? Speaker 1: (06:28) But they were just testing. And I had a moment, I had a weak moment. I said, well maybe just for a short little friend leave, is it right? I asked when and what do you know? They said, ah, I'm actually pretty busy the next few months, few months . Okay? So in an instant though, a light bulb went off in my head and it, and it was hurtful, but it also was like, ah ha. And that's when I started to see this isn't about me. They didn't really miss me or they would've jumped at the chance. It was they were checking if they had control. I always will say this, right? There's two things narcissists do. They're either trying to get control of you or checking if they still have control of you. So they were checking if they still had it. I proved that, I guess they did have somewhat of control over me, but you know what? Speaker 1: (07:17) They could have it. I was so excited to be released , because they turn around, right? And were like, oh, I got control. Well that's cool. I don't really need to see you. I was just checking. So then basically it's another disposal. But I was there for it because I realized this is all about control. And now here's the proof, here is the proof. I did not feel special. It made me realize, no, they don't miss me. All that they just said is bs. I'm not special to them. And that hurt. But I also knew I was special. I feel like, what's that? Um, was that Saturday night Live? People like me, I'm special. I don't remember. But anyway, something cheesy that made me laugh years ago. And now I'm 43 in perimenopause and I don't know what's happening anymore in my life, but I do know what's happening with narcissists. Speaker 1: (08:01) Thank goodness for that. They don't miss you. They miss their supply or whatever you were giving them that they needed and they may move on and not need you anymore. And that's a really good thing actually. Okay? So I was happy to be released from the web. You know that web of the narcissist, it is sticky, it's awful. And though painful to like kind of know you're not special. It was painful, but it was liberating to realize it was never about me. That actually, as much as it can hurt, it can set you free. So it took time to believe though, just cuz I was not special to a narcissist didn't mean I was not special. I mean, there's a lot of confidence stuff that goes on, guys that we have to deal with, with narcissists. I mean, they do a really damaging job on our self-esteem. Speaker 1: (08:52) So it's taken a a while to build that up faster than I thought I could. Though I have gotten to a great spot, I still have my moments. I'm not gonna lie, I still have moments and that's okay. I'm so much better off and more free and more at peace. And it's just so much better on this side of the fence. Like I will, I will take it, I'll take, I'll take those little moments rather than walking every day trying to get validation and walking on eggshells. I know you know what I'm talking about. So, so it took a while to just accept like everyone else in this world, I am special and deserving. And worthy too, right? And I already had people, other people around me that did think I was special and important and valuable, you know? So open your eyes to that too. Speaker 1: (09:37) And also when you do disconnect from a narcissist, you do open yourself up and have more time for better people, more uplifting people, people that love you and don't wanna change you often, especially when we have gone through narcissistic abuse, we focus so much on who is not giving us what we need, wanting their validation that we ignore the people that do find us amazing. So does your narcissist ex-spouse, partner, friend, family member miss you? Nope. No. It is always about them and their needs. But you are freaking awesome and special to others and to yourself and to the big man upstairs. What? Yes, if you're a God person, that is important, remind yourself of that every single day if you're not, and be important to you or whatever higher power you feel a part of, because we're not put here to suffer and we are valuable every single one of us. Speaker 1: (10:41) So it is time to let go of anybody who makes you question yourself. Anybody? You with me? Good. You need to be appreciated. You are worthy of great things and you are special. You're just one of us Queens. Welcome to the club. All right, see you on the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, aka the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christyade fun.

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Narcissists can get you into their sticky web, but there are ways to get out! Listen to today's episode to get more insight.

My 4 MINUTE meditation:

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Join my free facebook group here:

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WORK WITH ME:

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Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?

Grab my E-Course here:

https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse

And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 

https://www.christyjade.com/

Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!

fiercemamac@gmail.com  

Let's connect on social media!

https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/

https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy

After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

DOMESTIC ABUSE HOTLINE : 800-799-7233

TRANSCRIPT:

Speaker 1: (00:00) Yes, Queens. On today's episode, we are going to talk about going no contact. Ooh, this is my fire. I love this, but I know it can be difficult. So we're gonna talk about the challenges and the benefits. And on Thursday we're gonna talk about does your ex miss you during the no contact period? Ooh, ooh, the suspense. Stay tuned. Speaker 1: (00:26) Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? And you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:47) First things first. I never list. Now that's not it. First things first, how to go no contact. Okay, so this is I I mean it's pretty simple. No contact as far as what it actually means. It's very straightforward. It is going no contact with the narcissist in your life that you know you are going to be a healthier being if you do not have contact with them. If you absolutely cannot and you are co-parenting or something of this sort, you have to go to my Gray Rock method episode. I will link it below. I think it's episode five, but not sure. So I will link it, um, in my show notes. Alright, so going no contact. First of all, narcissist. Uh, they can really deflect. They can twist things. You know, they're manipulators. So one thing you have to be is very, very, very clear in what your decision is. Speaker 1: (02:37) You have to communicate this to them. You cannot do it all. If you're that strong, more power to you, as I've learned, I think it's more beneficial to state very clearly and simply what it is. So I, you could say something like, I am no longer going to be in communication with you of any kind. Please do not contact me. Now the next one, block all forms of communication. You're saying you do not want to contact them. You have made this decision, you need to mean it. And what helps you do that is blocking them. That can feel awful inside. Blocking seems like a really horrible thing, but horrible people, horrible decisions sometimes result in things that are not so comfortable that we are put in a situation where we have to do them. Such as blocking. It is not to be mean to somebody else. Speaker 1: (03:28) It is blocking to protect your peace. If you are on this journey or, and you're saying, I really want peace, I really wanna be fully disconnected from this person, then this truly is the way to ensure that obviously blocking their email, blocking their calls, blocking their texts, blocking their messenger. What are we in 1999? AOL Messenger? No, but any of the messenger apps on Facebook, Gmail, TikTok, wherever you are, all the social medias, whatever way there is a way for them to contact you, put a wall between you because you no longer want that communication. Right? Right. You ha, I'm telling you, you have to really mean it for this to work. Another reminder is to avoid triggering situations because this can can make us waiver where we're feeling strong and we're like, yeah, look at me. I block that mouth all over town. Everywhere. Speaker 1: (04:21) Yeah. And then we get into a triggering situation and all of a sudden we get that little softer side coming out. We're like, oh man, well maybe, maybe I should just unblock to know if they, if there's an emergency or to know, I mean they might. Maybe they're having a hard time. We start to go down a spiral. So try to avoid triggering situations that could lead to that where your heart strings feel tugged at. Don't be going looking at your cute little memories in your photo albums. Does anyone even have photo albums? I am showing my age. I'm 43. I might have some photo albums. Okay, don't go scrolling in your Facebook memories. Is that more modern and up to date peeps? I said peeps to be cool, but you get my point. Don't put yourself in triggering situations. That could be, oh, reaching out to their sister. Speaker 1: (05:13) You're just checking in to see how she is. No, maybe you're just reaching because you are missing them even though it may seem wrong. This is natural that we miss people even when we decide to cut them out of their lives. So it's like having a little access to the person. Maybe you're asking their cousin, oh, have you seen Dean? How's he doing? That's a triggering situation cuz they're gonna start talking about, oh well actually his cat passed away. And then you're like, oh, I should unblock my all my stuff so I can just real quick tell him I'm sorry his cat died. Right? No, stay locked up like a box. Alright, the fourth thing in this part here is focusing on self-care. This is a huge part and you can go back through a couple of my episodes that talk about self-care, how I really in my start of this journey when I disconnected what I did to help myself. Speaker 1: (06:10) But self-care is so important just to name a couple of things. Get your exercise, get your sleep, get support. This is so important. I could not have done my journey after the disconnect. Not even just through it, but after, cuz it's a whole new life. It's a whole, I mean it's a recreation of yourself. I could not have done that without support. So if you do want to work with me, I will mention this. I starting in about a month or so, I'm gonna be doing part-time. So I do have a couple of spots open if you wanna work with me. I will put a link again in the show notes. If you are looking to just have one call or have you know several, um, you can get like package deals. So I will put those below. But you really, really should have support again with somebody who understands narcissism. Speaker 1: (07:00) I cannot say that enough, whether it's me or somebody else, someone who gets narcissism. So self-care includes getting support and help. Alright, so let's talk about those challenges of going no contact. Ah, okay. The guilt is really y'all. Let's just start with the biggest one for, I mean that was huge. I had such guilt and it did not help that family members laid on bigger guilt onto me or you. Let's say you're in a romantic situation and maybe it's your in-laws or your friends even, right? Your friends have so much with you and your partner and you all are buddies and hang out all the time and they don't want that to end. They may even guilt you. So you have your own guilt on top of other people's guilt on top of, of course the narcissist guilt. Cuz you know dang well they are going to throw their guilt all up in that, right? Speaker 1: (07:51) So that is especially why I needed the support I did. The guilt was literally like eating me alive. It was really getting to me. Another challenge is loneliness and isolation. First of all, if this is especially like in romantic situations, a lot of times the narcissists will isolate you so you are dependent on them, right? We got the codependency thing thing going. So when, and if you get to have the glory of disconnecting from a narcissist, you feel great and free, but you also are on the other side and you could be lonely because you have been isolated, you have been manipulated into isolating yourself from your friends, from your family, and it's hard enough to deal with any breakup. You're going to feel lonely in ways, right? Because you're used to having this person, especially in narcissistic situations. If you are an empath with a narcissist, you are codependent. Speaker 1: (08:46) That's just gonna happen. And now you have to untether those cords that have been tied for X amount of time depending on your situation. So you've got loneliness and isolation to deal with. Again, why you need support. The third one is potential backlash from the narcissist. And this is tough and I do wanna recommend, I always will put the, um, hotline number, the domestic abuse hotline. I mentioned this now because hopefully the narcissist in your life is not violent. If they are, I do suggest getting support and also calling the hotline number to guide you if there is any sort of dangerous situation you are in, aside from dangerous situation, just narcissist in general, you're gonna get backlash, you're gonna get guilt, you're gonna get maybe name calling. They'll, they will go through a variety of their own emotions. So they may try to win you with being sweet and then when that doesn't work, they may get angry and call you names, then they may threaten you. Speaker 1: (09:43) Then they may do a smear campaign where they are telling other people bad things about you. So there is potential for that backlash again, why you need support . So I know it's like I'm repeating myself, but I really wouldn't have been where I am today without support. It's, it's just my piece was worth every penny. So the last thing here in the challenges is dealing with the trauma that was already there. You are already dealing with trauma. So the good news is this is the start of your healing. When you stay in a situation, you're, you can't heal when you're still in the situation, you can't heal. So that's the good news. You are starting the healing, but you do have to deal with it. So you may have to do therapy, you may have to kind of dig down and see, well what led me to this? Speaker 1: (10:27) How can I avoid situations like this in the future? All of that stuff, which I actually will be putting out a chorus soon. I am so excited about how to avoid narcissistic relationships like ever getting them again. We love that. So I'm really excited about that. So you're gonna deal with that trauma. So it's also the healing. What can you do to heal? That's stuff I work on with clients all the time. There's yin yoga, there's journaling, there's meditation, there's a billion ways to deal with the trauma. I do suggest therapy. I do suggest mindset work, physical work, taking care of yourself as far as your diet and health, all of that. So yes, with anything like this, there's going to be challenges, but I am telling you from my experience, from my client's experiences, the benefits of going no contact and cutting, like truly disconnecting from a narcissist is so worth any challenge. Speaker 1: (11:20) So the first one is regaining control of your life. Being able to not have to walk on eggshells. Being able to make your own decisions, not worrying about what the other person has to think or say. And you know, I know relationships are a compromise, but if you're in a narcissistic situation, you know what I mean, it is like you can't do anything, right? They want you co-dependent on them. They're gonna decide everything for you. And it's, it's really a stressful way to live. So you get to regain control of you. I, I call it you 2.0. Like look, you get to get your life back, right? This isn't just like normal healthy relationships where of course you're gonna compromise, you're gonna change, uh, dynamics change, that's life, right? You have kids, things change. If you're in a narcissistic situation, you know, it goes a lot deeper and I want you to be free of that. Speaker 1: (12:15) The second is healing from the trauma. So we talked about dealing, but you get to heal. So this is your time. You actually get to feel really good and start your mind, body, spirit, all that good stuff. You get to start off on a new track and you really get to start deciding and creating your own life. Like decide is, I love that word because you are deciding, I, I made a decision to get out of this and now I'm deciding who I wanna be now. And in our childhood it's, it's really hard. We have to listen to our parents and we're born into certain situations and there's something beautiful about starting over when you're a little bit older. Like for me, I mean I was like, gosh, 38, 37, 38 when I started to really unravel and see like, wow, I can actually do things my way, how I want in my life. Speaker 1: (13:10) And I felt really free and it's been like a dream. Like I'm creating, I'm still creating it, but I'm still, I'm like creating this dream life that I never thought I could have. And like, God, I want that for you guys. So just have hope. Hold on to that. Hope that you can do that. And it takes some time, but it's quicker than you think. Especially if you have support, especially with me cuz we move fast. I don't like to wait for stuff. I'm a Taurus, I'm going places, I'm running, like we got things to do. We're not gonna like shrivel up and sit and waiver in the past. And I'm not, I'm not doing toxic positivity where it's like, oh, forget it happened. Like, we sit in it a little bit, we have some tears, we do some stuff, but we also say, well I have this pain and I'm not gonna let it dictate my life. Speaker 1: (13:54) I'm not gonna let it take over my life anymore and I'm going to use it as a fire under my butt to have the most amazing life I can cuz I still can, despite everything I can, I'm telling you. So sorry, I get real passionate about that . All right. Now building healthier relationships is a third thing. This is, like I said, I'm gonna build a course around this because this is so important. Not just with romantic relationships though, really one of the beautiful things in my life is when I cut out a specific narcissist out of my life, it just opened my eyes to like, wow, that relationship really took over and I really let that person get away with a lot and I don't wanna do that anymore. And there are other people in my life that even if they're not narcissists, that just the relationships don't really work for me and I've put up with some crap that I really shouldn't, and I see things in a whole new way. Speaker 1: (14:52) It really lifted the veil off. I will say that can be hard because it's, it's almost like once you see it, you can't unsee it, right? And you're like, dang, Gina. Um, so, you know, with everything there, there's an upside and a downside. But the upside was amazing because I did clear out a couple of friendships from my life and I, you know, I wish them well. There's not like hard feelings, but there were certain things that just weren't sitting well in my body and I didn't feel good about. And it's not like I didn't value our past experiences and we had some great times, but there was just some that was not working anymore because I had a new perspective in life. So it's setting new standards for yourself, for your life, new boundaries, all of that, and building healthy relationships. And when you clear out some of those, which you may, it leaves room for people that you didn't even know existed, right? Speaker 1: (15:48) There's people out there that are really supportive and positive and not negative and not draining, and you don't have to walk on eggshells around. And that was really, really cool for me to experience. All right, the last thing here is improving your mental health kind of with the healing from trauma. It's, it's such an amazing feeling when you start to get your confidence back when you're building this 2.0 version of yourself. It is, it's magical. And I know I sound cheesy, but welcome to me it's just this magical experience of, of empowerment. I mean, that's the only, that's such an overused word, but I, for the first time in my life, and the, and this is just in the last few years, you guys, the first time in my life, I actually feel powerful over my own life and my own choices. And it's, it's just, it's inexplicable. Speaker 1: (16:42) And again, I want you guys to experience that. All right? So I also really want you guys to meet other like-minded people. So this is a reminder that I have a Facebook group for women only on Facebook. I always link it in my show notes, but join that. You will get a free gift from me there. But you can also build community on that page of other women going through what you have going, what you know, whatever stage you're in, there's people in there that have gone through it as well. So I'd love you to join that page. So in conclusion, we'll have a little recap. We talked about how to go no contact, the challenges of going no-contact, the benefits which far outweigh the challenges. I'm telling you of course, if you are in a dangerous situation, it is a different story. I want you to call that 800 hotline in the show notes and really prioritize your self-care and your healing and yourself and get the support you need. Speaker 1: (17:38) I am here. There's therapists out there again, there is that domestic abuse hotline. You don't have to be physically abused to use that phone number, okay? Just a reminder that going no contact, it is a brave and empowering choice. And it might be scary and it might feel crazy and it may still be hard to do. You might have done it a year ago, but you get sucked back in here and there. I get it. I have been there. I understand it is a very, very hard thing to do. The fact you try or trying it all shows your strength. So keep fighting for this. And if you need to replay this 11 times to help, just do that. Whatever you gotta do, reach out to me. You can always email me my emails in the show notes too. And remember, you are brave. You are amazing. And dang girl, you are beautiful. See you in the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www. christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade, fun.

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Narcissists can get you into their sticky web, but there are ways to get out! Listen to today's episode to get more insight.

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TRANSCRIPT:

 

TRANSCRIPT:

Speaker 1: (00:00) Hello. So the last episode, we talked about the signs of gaslighting, and today we're gonna talk about if you're being gas lit, five ways to beat a narcissist at their own game. Speaker 1: (00:16) Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind f girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:37) All right, does that narcissist got you down? They often use gaslighting as a tactic to take control, right? So I'm gonna talk about five ways to beat a narcissist at their own game. First of all, stand firm in your truth. This is where they can make you feel so crazy. You've got to really be confident in the truth and know, okay, this is a narcissist, or this is a person who is trying to gain control so they will go to any length to make me be convinced that their story is the truth and mine is not okay. So you have to stand really firm in that and don't waiver in your conversations with them and even just in your own mind. Number two, and I preface this with, I come from a family of lawyers. Everyone is very big on documenting everything, writing everything down. Speaker 1: (02:29) It has saved me in many a situation. I mean, legally, personally, I, I write everything down and I, with narcissist specifically, I'm going to say, I've said it before, I am very passionate about this. If you are in, let's say, a co-parenting situation with a narcissist, do not have calls on the phone. If possible, have everything through email and through text. You can go through your lawyers and, um, ask them to make this an, you know, an addendum or add it to your, um, you know, custody papers. You should not have to contact them or them contact you about anything other than your children if it is a custody situation. Cuz in my mind, if you can avoid being in touch with a narcissist at all, we'd love to avoid that. So these situations, you're forced. If you do have someone in your family, you do not feel ready to disconnect totally from, or you have a boss or coworker that you think may be a narcissist, these are ways to help you. Speaker 1: (03:33) I of course, will always say, if you can get away from the narcissist, get away from the narcissist. That's the only way to really beat the narcissist . Okay, so we talked about standing in your truth and writing it down, right? Seriously, I take no risks with the narcissist and of course deal with them as little as possible. That being said, number three is that contact should be short and sweet. So if you do have to have the contact, make it clear and short. You don't have to make it sweet, actually, depending on your situation, you can just be clear and short. I would say also be firm. Like I say, stand in your truth. Don't add fluff. Don't try to use emotion to get them to be compassionate. Sometimes we can do that. Sometimes with narcissists we think, oh, maybe if I explain my feelings deeper or how much they're hurting me, no. Speaker 1: (04:24) First of all, they eat that up for supper. They love it, they want that, but also it won't work on them. Okay? Keep your emotions, that whole emotional part to yourself. Guard it with a cage . This is what we call the gray rock method. This is part of it at least, which in it's episode five, I believe on my podcast, goes deeper into the gray rock method. I will link that in the show notes. Um, but basically it's keeping things short and sweet. The gray rock is representative of just blending in, not letting them get a rise out of you not having emotion. Basically, you're a gray rock, and over time they tend to lose interest. And if you don't take their bait, it, it's kind of like they back off there can, you know, there can be patterns of them coming and, and checking to see if they still have control. Speaker 1: (05:16) Like, oh, maybe the gray rock misses me or whatever. But in general, it is a really great method that I have used myself and swear by. This is an important one. And I would say this is definitely hard when you have been, especially if you've been in a situation with a narcissist for a long time, and it's a close intimate relationship, whether it's romantic friendship, family ship, and even if you've been under the same boss for, you know, 10 years, they can have such a hold on you that you are terrified to rattle the cage. You walk on eggshells and I am giving you permission to leave without guilt. And this can look like leaving a conversation. This can look like leaving the relationship. This I know for some will be harder to hear or harder to do than others, but I am here to tell you I was, I was in a situation like that for so long where I was terrified and it wasn't just the narcissist that I was terrified of. Speaker 1: (06:22) It was the other people in our lives that guilt tripped me or me trying to disconnect from this person, right? So you can get guilt from multiple angles and it's hard and it's uncomfortable and that's why I'm a big advocate of getting support through me, through a therapist, whatever it is in your situation, because you really do. I got support during my situation. And yeah, I definitely think you need support when you are leaving a situation completely. But I'm also saying if you're in a conversation and you feel uncomfortable or you feel like they're manipulating you or you feel like you're getting sucked in, you're taking the bait, they are twisting things around, you are allowed to, I mean, take a breath, count to five and just say, I need to go. Whether it's on the phone, you hang up whether you are with them and you, you, you can call it Uber if I mean you, I know you're in like different situations sometimes where you feel like you might be stuck, you're not stuck, you are not stuck. Speaker 1: (07:27) And if it is a, um, dangerous or violent situation, please call the domestic abuse hotline. And that phone number is, um, in the show notes. But the best way to outsmart a gas lighter or a narcissist is to disengage. It's the gray rock. It's the not taking the bait. It's no longer walking on eggshells. It's being in your truth and it's disengaging. The second you feel that visceral reaction of this isn't right. I mean, your body speaks to you. So get familiar with your body. That's why you need those meditations. Go grab my four minute mood boost meditation. Just getting in touch with your body will help you so much when you are trying to just follow your intuition through narcissistic abuse. It's almost like we can, we can lose our own intuition. We can lose our own identity. We have been literally living in fear of someone else or for someone else depending on your situation. Speaker 1: (08:30) Um, so it's crazy stuff, but that's why you need support. So if you want to work with me, um, again, all my information is in the show notes. You can email me. That's probably the best way to do it. Um, so we can talk about in what way. There are different packages I have for coaching. Um, I do yoga and yin yoga really, really helps support the mind body balance. And I just did a couple episodes last week if you wanna listen to those that go in into more about yin yoga. So getting support, whether it's, you know, kind of talk therapy, coaching, yoga, you really need something if you are going through this. The post narcissistic abuse situation is real . Unfortunately, I've gone through it and I just, that's what I, why I do what I do. I I just want to help you guys accelerate through your healing and be strong enough to stay disconnected, to be strong enough and intuitive enough to recognize signs and to be able to not get into these situations, whether it's romantic, whether it's in the workplace, whether it's friendships to break the cycle, right? Speaker 1: (09:38) And you guys can do it. Um, you know, you ju just might need some guidance. That's, that's how I got here. I got guidance. I did a lot, had a lot of education, did a lot of research and my own experience, and I'm so passionate about it and I want, I want to help you. So I am here for you. Please email me and I will talk to you in the next episode. Don't forget, you are worthy of feeling good. You're not supposed to suffer and you're not crazy. You know the truth. Listen to your intuition. Get quiet enough to listen to yourself and start trusting yourself again. All right? See you in the next episode.

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A hot buzz word because narcissists are being exposed more and more, as are their tactics like gaslighting. Listen to today's podcast to hear 8 common ways narcissists (or anyone) gaslight their victims.

My 4 MINUTE meditation:

https://christyjade.ck.page/insider

Join my free facebook group here:

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WORK WITH ME:

https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching

Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?

Grab my E-Course here:

https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse

And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 

https://www.christyjade.com/

Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!

fiercemamac@gmail.com  

Let's connect on social media!

https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/

https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy

After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

 

TRANSCRIPT:

Speaker 1: (00:00) In today's episode, we are going to talk about gaslighting. It is a buzzword, especially over the last few years. So we're gonna dive into it and maybe you're wondering, am I being gaslit? What are the signs of gaslighting? I will let you know. Stay tuned. Speaker 1: (00:17) Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.Christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:38) So there are several, several ways that you can be gaslit by a narcissist or, I mean, gaslighting can be a tactic used by people who are not narcissists, but narcissists definitely use a lot of these ways to get what they want. So number one, that is a pretty clear sign, especially if it's a pattern, is getting super defensive when you are just having a normal conversation asking a normal question that they will then turn against you. We'll get into that too. But watching their body language, seeing their response and their defensiveness when you are going about a normal conversation or a normal question, is definitely a sign. Number two, complete denial. They know it did happen, but they're so convincing they can make you believe that it did not. Um, especially over time, like you can really start to feel cuckoo. Like wait, they're so convincing. Speaker 1: (02:40) They look like they believe it honestly. They usually do not believe it, but they are so hellbent on being right and not being wrong that they will even try to convince themselves of another story or in the moment just defend, defend so much so that you start questioning yourself and then they take advantage of that and they can get you to agree with what they're saying or even twisting the story, which is comes to our next. Number three is twisting the story. May like, they're like, maybe it happened, but it's not, it's not what you remember, but you know the truth. Like you're there going, wait, I was there, I remember this happen. And they have this way of twisting the stories, twisting the narrative. They may twist the blame. Well, often they do twist the blame. That's very common, right? So a lot of twisting going on, twisting the story, twisting the blame. Speaker 1: (03:38) And that leads to the next one, which is the reversal. So they reverse everything. Like you come to them with, you know, maybe a request, maybe a boundary, maybe getting further information on something. It could be in conflict, it could not. But once they get that defense up, like we talk about number one, they will what I call the reversal, they will reverse it and deflect away from them having the accountability, right? So that again, it'll make you feel crazy. And then you're on the defense, right? So they are purposely reversing it. So then you're on the defense, you have to defense yourself and it gets away from the original problem that you brought to their attention. And they can do this even by just saying things like, oh, you're crazy or you're dramatic, or Remember when you did this or I was just joking and then you came back at me in, in upset, but I was just joking, right? Speaker 1: (04:36) There's so many different ways that they can do this reversal, but in general, look out for whenever you go to them to talk about something, does it get turned back on you? That is another very clear sign that you're being gaslit. Number five, shaming you for bringing something up. They can, yes, they can make you feel bad about it, like the reversal, they can deny it, but they can also shame you and go into a victim mode and you know, start to make you feel bad. And maybe they say something like, I was just trying to help but you, you know, deep down, like it's not helpful. But I was just trying to help and I was just, oh little, oh me little, oh in all innocent me. But they're not innocent. They are vindictive, they're intentional with what they're doing. And now they're going to shame you for bringing something up because they need the blame to get away from them. Speaker 1: (05:31) Similar thing with number six, dismissing your feelings. When you bring something up, it doesn't matter. It's almost as if their feelings are the only feelings that matter. That is how it feels to be with a narcissist. They will guilt you and do all that other stuff. But at the end of the day, if you ask yourself, does this person seem to value my feelings? Sit with that. If no, they don't seem to ever care about your feelings and they do all these things to dismiss your feelings and to get it back to where they're in a good light and maybe you're in a bad light, that is not cool. That's another sign. Number seven, in general, narcissists do not apologize. It is rare. There's certain situations, and this is where it can get tricky and that's why, you know, if you work with me or one of my clients, that is something that it's much easier on a customized basis to be like, for me to be able to help with because I can hear the language and people can talk me through what they're experiencing and I can, you know, really have an understanding of, okay, this person is, is not sincerely apologetic, right? Speaker 1: (06:40) There's ways and you can learn it yourself too. But I've, I've been through years and years of this education and in my own life that I can really detect it. But just to give a general overview, they generally don't apologize. Like I said, they'll turn things around on you if they do apologize, it would be something, the language could be something like, well, I'm, I'm sorry you feel that way. Or I'm sorry you perceived it that way. I'm sorry you, I'm sorry you. Or if they're really desperate, they, they can do a whole crocodile to your sincere sounding apology. So that's where it can get tricky. But I trust my gut on this a lot too in my, in my past experiences of does this feel like they're just trying to get what they want? Or does it feel like a bulb has gone off in their head? Speaker 1: (07:25) Sometimes? In the beginning of all this, the only way to know that is to see the actions that happen after. So sometimes I know a lot of us don't wanna have regrets. We don't wanna maybe kick people out of our lives without knowing. Well, maybe they were sorry. You don't give a million chances though, right? It's like if they're sorry, they're going to change that behavior because they want to make you happy and they don't want to act that way. Narcissists, they won't. So that's, that is a sign. If after they say they're sorry and the crocodile tears come pouring out and they're gonna do this and they make promises or whatever, it's lip service and the stuff keeps happening. That is your sign Honey bunny. That's it. They, they're not changing for me. More important than an apology though I value on it's nice. Speaker 1: (08:11) But more important to me is the changed behavior after the apology. Okay? So that is a sign though. If in general they really don't apologize, that can definitely be a sign. The number eight, playing the victim. So, well, what about me, right? Like if you're having a conversation and you bring something up and the other person says, what about me and my feelings? That is not necessarily a bad sign. I think it's human nature for us to also wanna feel seen and heard, right? So the difference is if this person is never taking accountability at all and then saying like, oh, what about me and my feelings and did it right? But they're never saying sorry, they're never taking accountability. That is also a sign in a normal relationship, you have a conversation, you share your feelings. Could there be defense or upset? Yes, we're human. Speaker 1: (09:03) So you have to understand the difference of that. And not calling everyone a narcissist that gets defensive or feels like a victim. Cuz sometimes people have insecurities, but is to look for the patterns and also the shared accountability. And that doesn't mean every situation, both people are quote at fault. But over time in your relationship, whether it's romantic or friendship or family ship, whatever, is family ship a word? I don't know. I like it. Whatever it is though. Does the other person ever say, yeah, I really hear you. I see how that could have been taken that way. I'm really sorry. Yeah, another time they might be like, you know, I just don't see it that way. We're gonna have to agree to disagree. I don't, I don't see it that way. Yes, but the narcissist will continually in a pattern, play the victim, not take accountability, maybe apologize, but there is no change to behavior. Speaker 1: (09:52) So those are eight signs. There, there are more. But these, this gives you like a really good starting point. And like I said, if you wanna work with me one-on-one, I have an opening right now. I will say coming up to the end of the school year, I will not be taking on private clients after mid-June except the ones who are grandfathered in that I'm already working with. So if you have been wanting to work with me, you might wanna get in there cuz I have a tight schedule and, uh, with my daughter being home for, for summer, I will be home with her and just working, uh, more of a part-time schedule. So look in the show notes if you'd like to see how to work with me. My website information is on there, my emails down there. You can join my free Facebook group for victims of narcissistic abuse. Speaker 1: (10:43) There are women in there who aren't sure if it's narcissistic abuse, but they've been mistreated and it's, it's just a really good place to hang out and work on thriving together. I have started putting little mini videos in there and, um, I do v i p pricing and stuff in there and on my email list, if you're not on my email list, definitely sign up. I have a four minute meditation. When you sign up for that, you start getting like my newsletters and emails again with v i p pricing and little golden nuggets. My videos will be coming soon through email as well. So if you wanna get more Christy Jade in your life, you can do it by either joining that Facebook group or signing up for the meditation. And then you'll be on my email list and we will end with your feelings matter. Okay? You deserve to feel valued and heard and your voice matters and you are a beauty queen. All right, we'll see you in the next episode.

Feeling triggered by a narcissist’s mind games? This 5-minute Thrive in Five episode is your reset button. Join me for two powerful somatic tools—the Queen Shake-Off and the vagus nerve hum—to help release anxious energy, regulate your nervous system, and return to peace. Save this episode for anytime your crown feels wobbly, and remember: you’re not crazy, you’re just healing. 💫  

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Free 4 Minute Mood Boost Meditation

https://christyjade.ck.page/insider   Grab your #notmyshit Journal on Amazon https://amzn.to/46dDSYk   TRANSCRIPT Speaker 1 (00:00):

I am so excited for this week's Thursday, thrive in five, which is your five minute pause from the madness, the manipulation, the WTF moments that only a narcissist can deliver. So lovely. So take a breath queen. This one is for when your peace is under attack. Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to take a breath Queen. This one's for you. Okay, let me guess. You're getting triggered. They're texting, gaslighting, triangulating, or playing the victim like it's their full-time job, which it is. And suddenly you're right back in this emotional spin cycle. So first I need you to breathe, pause, and we are going to reset together. So first, here's your truth, right? Their behavior is not a reflection of you or your worth or any of that.

(01:11) It is a reflection of their disorder, their wounds, and their refusal to heal. There are people that will help themselves. Narcissists mostly are not, so you don't have to fix it. You don't have to respond unless of course there's legal stuff where you have to and you don't have to absorb their chaos. So we're going to do two resets today. Two choices. You can pick one, pick both if you're really having a time of it. So the somatic reset, number one is the queen shake off. Yes, we're adding queen in there. I want you to feel like a queen when you're shaking. So stand up if you can. Otherwise you can kind of do this while you're sitting, but stand up, shake your hands rapidly. You are getting this anxious energy, this chaotic energy that has infiltrated your body. You're shaking it off right? So start with your hands, shaking, shaking, shaking, and start to shake your arms.

(02:24) I like how I'm doing this right now. It's like I can't say the words without doing it, so hopefully it won't mess up my voice here. Then roll your shoulders back, roll your shoulders back, keep going. All right. Now while you're doing this, you're shaking, you're rolling your shoulders so you kind of look crazy. That's okay, we're here for it. Now, bounce lightly on your toes. So you're shaking, you're rolling, you are bouncing, you are getting this energy going through your body. This energy needs to go somewhere and say out loud, this energy is not mine. I release it. Okay, repeat it after me. This energy is not mine.

(03:18) I release it. This moves the adrenaline and cortisol out of your system and it's starting to tell your body, we are safe now. We are safe now. And if you want to get really cuckoo with it, which sometimes I do because I'm a cuckoo queen, you can run in place while you are doing this, right? So after you're bouncing, you start getting faster, faster into a running in place, shaking your hands and shoulders rolling and running in place. If you really have a lot of pent up energy and you go, go, go, go, go. And you'll know, your body will start to feel like, okay, I'm finally getting this out. You can start to wind down when you feel that. Then you can take some nice slow breaths. So this is just a practice. You can do it with me now for a few seconds, but you can do it later.

(04:16) Save this episode. This is an important one to have saved so you can go back to it every time. Sometimes it helps to just have someone's voice say, Hey, this is what you need to do. Because when you're going through manipulation and gaslighting and whatever, you get confused. Your brain's all fluffed around. It really helps to have a focus of someone's voice telling you what you need to do, even if it's something simple that typically you can remember when you're in this mindset and being jacked up emotionally by somebody, you're not in the same frequency that you need to be. So you might need a little guidance, that's fine. So save this episode and come back to it and you can do it longer if you need to. So then you're going to wind down once you're shaking and rolling and running or whatever, getting that energy out, and then you are safe now, right?

(05:13) And I would hold my hand to my heart and say, I am safe. Okay? Number two, somatic reset. Number two is the vagus nerve. Hum. If you have heard of the vagus nerve, it is connected to all things of balancing the nervous system. So you place one hand on your chest and one on your belly, take a deep breath in, and as you exhale, you hum low and long. So, and you repeat that just two to three times, this stimulates that vagus nerve, and that's your body's natural, calm the hell down button. Okay? So that is a really great automatic way to reset. So again, you repeat that low hum two to three times, and here's your reminder. You're not crazy. You're being activated by a pattern that used to control you, but today you're going to handle it differently. It's all on how we deal with things, right?

(06:23) Lemons to lemonade. You are self-regulating, stepping into your power instead of letting someone take it from you and you're in charge, not them, right? So you get to say, I'm having these feelings. I'm not going to take the bait. I'm not going to react back to them. I am going to shake it off, or I'm going to home. Home. That was so creep. I'll never do that again. So that is your thriving vibe. Like I said, please save this episode because if you are going to save any episodes, this is a very good one to save because it is like one of those quick fixes. Okay, you got this now go sip your tea, adjust your crown and protect your piece. It's got a restraining order against toxic energy. It should. I will see you Tuesday for next week's full episode, AKA, your weekly deep dive into healing and handling the unhealed with grace and maybe a little side eye. So don't forget to follow the podcast so you don't miss a moment, and check the episode description for ways to work with me and grab your freebies because healing does not have to be lonely, and it definitely doesn't have to be boring. Until next time, sparkle up.

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If you have been through narcissistic abuse or any trauma in your life, you are holding negative, nasty energy, literally in your cells, in your body. So this is an amazing, amazing practice that I discovered just a few years ago myself. That was a huge impact on my healing.

Yin Yoga Video:

https://www.youtube.com/live/cuxQxnI9D8w?feature=share

My 4 MINUTE meditation:

https://christyjade.ck.page/insider

Join my free facebook group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

WORK WITH ME:

https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching

Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?

Grab my E-Course here:

https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse

And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 

https://www.christyjade.com/

Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!

fiercemamac@gmail.com  

Let's connect on social media!

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After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

 

TRANSCRIPT:

Speaker 1: (00:00) Ooh, this is gonna be a good one. I am so excited to share with you about yin yoga. Let me tell you, if you have been through narcissistic abuse or any trauma in your life, you are holding negative, nasty energy, literally in your cells, in your body. So this is an amazing, amazing practice that I discovered just a few years ago myself. That was a huge impact on my healing. Speaker 1: (00:27) Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And Mindf? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought, and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:48) So I'm gonna just dive right in. Talk about all the good things about yin yoga. First of all, yes, like I said, if you have gone through any sort of trauma abuse, you literally are holding all of this in your body. When I discovered yin yoga, the first time I did it, I was in supported bridge pose. I will, I will let you imagine this. Christy's laying there circa 2020, I think, laying on my back knees up, and then you put like a yoga block under as my yoga teacher, Syd, between the, your crack and your back, right? That little lower back area. And if you don't know about chakras, this is where the sacral is. And there's a lot of, especially for women, a lot of stuff and energy that sits in there. And something about me popping that Sugi up released so much in that moment that I started crying. Speaker 1: (02:41) I'm not saying you're gonna have this the first time. I'm not. I don't know if you'll cry ever, okay? But it was an amazing moment and I fell in love with yin yoga, and I have not looked back. I actually got certified to teach it. So I am a yin yoga teacher. If you want to do a customized personal session with me, I will put in the notes, my email. Everything's always in the show notes, like that's the description of the podcast. So always go there after the show if you're trying to find any information, if you're trying to stalk me and find me. But you can just email me and we can talk about setting up a customized session. But let's talk about the amazing benefits. So what I experience, like I said, I mean that that first time I was like, whew, what just happened? Speaker 1: (03:22) What just happened to me? But we hold this energy. So first of all, talk about the energetics. And that's the biggest impact on me, is how I'm, I'm very mindd in touch with my body and everybody's different. But if you are too, and you can relate to that, like if your body's not okay, your mind's not okay. If your mind is not okay, your body's not okay. I am telling you, you will fall in love with this. You have to give it a chance. It's different from regular yoga in that you hold the poses usually from like three to five minutes. I usually do five because I really want you to sit in there and let go in your poses and let that energy work its way out. And also physically you're stretching the fasha and those deeper tissues that not all yogas or any of the like, you know, CrossFit, all that stuff doesn't really get into those little nooks and crannies. Speaker 1: (04:15) So with yin yoga, you're also getting into a space physically that's deeper and such a nice release, especially over time. This is a practice that, yes, in your first session you can definitely have benefits, but man, if you put this into your daily practice, your weekly practice, you will feel like a different person. So there's the energetics of letting go and maintaining, letting go because you know, life is never always bunnies and flowers. Wouldn't that be fun? But it's not. So even if we're releasing, there's always more stuff coming in, right? Like that's just part of life. It ebbs, it flows ups and downs. So you're getting to release on a regular basis these negative energies that live in your body, right? The other thing is obviously the mind letting go of the stress in a mind way, right? Like having a carved out hour a week. Speaker 1: (05:10) Or if you are bold doing it an hour a day and then you're gonna be like a superhuman because the quiet you get, it's similar to meditation, but you're also doing this physical aspect where you're physically releasing and mentally quieting and releasing, letting things process in your mind. So it's just like this double whammy . If you do meditation, you'll understand how meditation can be so epic. Add in your yoga. It is crazy. Again, especially if you keep this ongoing practice, there's also something to be said that's, that's different than typical yoga where you may hold up poses and balance. And in yin yoga, I, I always call it my gravity yoga, like I just feel like I'm letting go. And like surrendering to gravity, I'm melting. I used to call my, my class melt, melt into the mat because it's different in the way I do most of my poses, like laying down or sitting and you really get to release fully. Speaker 1: (06:10) And when you release physically fully, again, there's some shift. And I think that was part of it for me in that first session. I'm always going, going, going. And even with my exercising, I love dance. Like hip hop. I'm a hip hop dancer. Did you not know that about me? Um, so I'm always, it's just like action and going, you know, I stop and meditation. But to sit there and let my whole body totally melt into the floor while doing these poses that are literally releasing negative energy at the same time, it was such a release that those tears were joy. It was like, oh my, almost like bliss. You're just like, whoa. Like if you imagine you're in like a really happy epic dream, it's like that kind of feeling. It was just amazing. I will say the key to that is, and I'm surprised I got it the first time since sometimes I can fight myself when it's like time to relax, I will kind of like, I'm like a little toddler there where I'm like, I have this to do with like, my brain goes a mile a minute. Speaker 1: (07:15) For some reason in that first class I just fully surrendered to like, I'm taking this time for me because I need, like, I needed it. I was so overworked. It was during the pandemic, I was homeschooling my daughter, trying to run a business, being a wife and friend and all the things. And I was like, I need to like escape, right? , hey, it is what it is. But I escaped into something very healthy and healing and it, it set me on this amazing, amazing path. But that's why I wanna share it with you because not, I feel like not enough people know about yin yoga or do yin yoga. It, it's just something you need to try to understand and you have to give it a chance. And this is my whole thing right here that I'm trying to say is release surrender to it. Speaker 1: (08:04) Where you say, I'm not gonna let anything else disrupt this time. I'm going to fully surrender and let go emotionally and physically. Now if you are a victim of narcissistic abuse, my podcast brought you here, maybe , um, or you're a client of mine, you've gone through abuse, you've gone through trauma. This is such a precious tool to use to release that. And it also is proven that in general yoga shows, they've done studies where your calm and your confidence is definitely higher. I'm trying to think, do I have the percentage here? Lemme see if I can find it real quick. Mm. It doesn't say the percentage of what I'm looking at right now when I just try to look it up real quick. But there have been several articles I have seen on the effect on the self-esteem because that's something when you go through, through narcissistic abuse, your self-esteem can be shot. Speaker 1: (08:58) And this is something that actually immediately through a yoga class will heighten your self-esteem. Like it's crazy, right? So over time, imagine what that does. Yes, it's great to do talk therapy, it's great to work with a coach like me. It's great to set boundaries in your life, but having this physical supplement is just like, boom, watch out, here comes the queen. So those are my own little benefits. My experience with it that I just, again, I can't say how much I love it. I'm gonna tell you like generic things they say about yin yoga in general, that calms and balances the mind and body reduce, reduces stress and anxiety, increases circulation, which is always good, improves flexibility. Get down in f fascia and releases fascia and improves joint mobility. So especially, I'm 43, y'all, I'm gonna be 43. Well when am I posting this? Speaker 1: (09:49) Thursday. So tomorrow April 21st I'm gonna be 43. Come say happy birthday. Cuz for the first time in my life I'm actually feeling older. Like usually I'm like, woo, yeah, I wanna celebrate this here. It's hitting me. I don't know, it might be that little like the deeper wrinkle, crawling, crawling outta my bottom lip. I don't like it, what's happening anyway, but I have all these fun tools to make me feel better. , maybe I'll go do some yoga, get that silver esteem bag. Okay. And then the last thing balances the internal organs, which hey, I'll always take a balanced spleen and kidney and improves the flow of chi or prana, which is kind of your, you know, the balance of your body. So it's improving the flow of that, helping everything flow to together better and act as the well oiled machine our bodies are supposed to be. Speaker 1: (10:37) Can you do yin yoga every day? Yes you can. And this isn't something you have to do for an hour or even 45 minutes with my clients. I actually give them poses and sequences so they can choose. They might take one pose they might wanna do every morning that takes literally three minutes, right? But just to get that release. To start off the day, I'm big on starting your mornings with a little yoga or some sort of stretching, some sort of movement in your body. And also meditation, prayer, whatever is your jam. Like those, if you can take two things away, wake up the extra five or 10 minutes to do those things. And that really will set your day up. And the longer you do the better. And if you do yoga, I mean yoga at night, like yin yoga is great. I used to have uh, my nighttime classes where it was like Sunday nights, we had it kind of right before bed. Speaker 1: (11:31) So you're off to a great start. You, you can get very comfy and sleepy in yoga cuz it's such a relaxing melty yoga. So it's really good for any time of day. You can use it in the morning to start and kind of get energized. And there is specific, again, I would give you specific customized sequences if you are a client, client of mine or you can, you know, use certain sequences before you go to sleep. I will link my YouTube video of a class from last year that was about releasing negative energy. And I'm gonna ask this in my Facebook group. By the way, if you're not my Facebook group, I'm going to link that also in the notes. Go join. I'm starting to do little mini videos in there and it's gonna be a whole lot of fun. So go join. But I wanna ask in the group and you guys, you can email me or if you're in the group, message me there. Speaker 1: (12:25) Um, maybe I'll do a poll, but I wanna know if you'd be interested in like a mini course that shows you what yin yoga poses are beneficial for trauma slash negative energy release. Um, if you'd be interested in more of my yin yoga, like I said, I have that class, I will link below. It's free, you just watch it whenever it's 45 minutes. But I'm thinking about creating one that would be separate from my YouTube. That would be just like a very low cost video with sequencing to release, like really trauma related things. And so just trying to gauge the interest on that. So message me, hit me up. I'm on Instagram, I'm fierce Christy Jade over there. Um, so come follow me. Say hi. I love when people actually drop into my dms and say hello. I like to know who's following. Um, so don't be shy. Speaker 1: (13:20) Anyway, I hope this was beneficial. I encourage you to at least try my yin yoga class. See how you feel. Um, it's, it's amazing and epic. And sometimes you won't have like the release I did in the first one. It also depends on your openness, your tired level. So I encourage you also to definitely try it more than once. Slow was not always my jam. And it's become like that balance, that yin and yang of like me hip hop dancing all over and then the next minute laying on the floor like Gumby. It's a good balance. So I highly suggest it. All right, I will see you in the next episode. And don't forget, you deserve to feel good. You deserve to carve out time for yourself to let your body and your mind rest. And you are a gorgeous queen. Isn't that amazing? You're so lucky. Okay, love you guys. See you in the next step. And Smooches induces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade, fun.

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Whether you are connected or disconnected from your narcissist, they can still have major effects on you! Here are 5 quick yet effective tips to heal and calm your mind and body.

My 4 MINUTE meditation:

https://christyjade.ck.page/insider

Join my free facebook group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

WORK WITH ME:

https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching

Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?

Grab my E-Course here:

https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse

And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 

https://www.christyjade.com/

Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!

fiercemamac@gmail.com  

Let's connect on social media!

https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/

https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy

After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

 

TRANSCRIPT:

Speaker 1: (00:00) Whether you are still connected or disconnected from a narcissist, they can still have power over you. They can trigger you, whether it's in the conversations with them or thinking back on your situation. A lot of triggers can come up. They get in those nooks and crannies and they bring out our insecurities. They make us feel cuckoo bananas, as my grandma used to say. I use other words. So we are going to talk about five quick ways and ways that I definitely used and still use when I am feeling triggered. It still happens in my journey too. You're not alone. Speaker 1: (00:39) Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:59) When we feel triggered and emotional, we want a quick fix. Can I get an amen? So I have found these five things to be the best. They're not the only methods or techniques to use, but these are five that I use and I love. So number one is yin yoga. I discovered this a few years ago and now I teach yin yoga cuz I love it that much. And I do classes, I do one-on-one sessions. But in the moment, even when you are having this kind of visceral reaction to a narcissist or to memories of a narcissist or things that are brought up because of a narcissist, it is so helpful to even just hold a yin yoga position for a few minutes. Yin yoga is so good at releasing the negative, really just, ugh, that awful energy you carry when you're getting triggered. And yin yoga, for me, I, I love all yogas, but yin yoga is my jam. Speaker 1: (02:57) It gets into the deep, deep parts physically and mentally that for me, other yogas did not reach. So I am a big advocate. It is, you don't need to be flexible, you don't need to be advanced in yoga. It is so simple, but so freeing. So with my coaching clients now, I do provide sequences, like customized sequences for them. It's all related to releasing trauma, releasing those negative energies, stagnant crap that's sitting in our bodies. And you can go online, you can find different things. If you sign up with me for coaching, I will create a sequence for you. I also, I'll put in the show notes. I have a YouTube class up. Um, I just made it public so I could share it with you guys. If you want an example, there's like a 45 minute letting go of, of negative energy sequence that I do on there. Speaker 1: (03:50) So you can check that out on my YouTube channel. But in the meantime, you can always go look up, um, yin yoga poses or yoga poses even that are related to releasing negative energy, having to do a trauma, any of that. But if you want something more specific, you can email me at fierce mama m a m a c gmail.com if you want to, you know, get something more customized. Number two, meditation and breath work. So I put these together because with trauma they are an amazing pair. Meditation does not have to be some crazy long exercise, right? It can be beautiful. I mean, I've done some long meditations and been like, whoa, the Holy Spirit just spoke to me. But you, this can be like a very quick few minute activation exercise, whatever you wanna call it. And it might take a little practice to get there where it's, you can drop into that quiet place and cut out the distractions, but you will get there and it's more quickly than you think. Speaker 1: (04:52) So if you pair this with breath work or even just doing the 4 78 technique, which I'll explain in a minute, it will make a big energy shift. So you can do them separately, but together they're so powerful. Just getting in a really quiet space. So you're kind of calming the body down and doing then like stepping into the actual breath work. So for the 4, 7, 8 technique, you breathe in for four seconds through your nose, you hold it for seven seconds and you exhale for eight and you repeat this until you feel like a calm little piece frog. I love this. It's a quick thing. I have taught my daughter to do it. I've taught friends to do it. I've taught my coaching clients to do it. It's so simple, but it really, really does just get you kind of out of your head and breaks that cycle. Speaker 1: (05:43) By the way, if you don't have my four minute meditation, it's a morning boost. I call it meditation. One of my client's favorite meditations I've created. If you don't have it, I will put that in the show notes. That is something you should be doing every morning. It's free. Just go grab it every morning to start your day off. You have four minutes, everyone's got four minutes. If you don't wake up four minutes earlier, it is worth it. I promise. When you start your day in that head space in a peaceful, calm, uplifting, it's a little empowering mind specifically, um, it just sets you off in a better mood. So that like anything coming in that day, anything negative, any stress, it will feel a little lighter. And if you want to, you know, do meditation throughout the day or at night, of course that's gonna amplify your results. Speaker 1: (06:34) But just doing that four minute meditation alone has changed my clients whole day, their energy and ah, I just love it. So that will be in the show notes. We have a lot of things in the show notes today cuz these are all tools and techniques and resources I have. Number three is journaling a plain notebook. We'll do get yourself a cute little pen, cute little notepad, making fun. But get those feelings out. Writing can really help release a lot of pen up, sadness, anger, resentment, any of those fun feelings as a result of narcissistic abuse. Yay. So just get it down on paper. I also created a not My journal, it's called hashtag not My. Um, that's my little coined phrase because as I went on this journey, I realized how much stuff I was carrying that was not mine to carry. Speaker 1: (07:26) And that was a result of, you know, abuse and mistreatment. And we learned to take on others crap that specifically narcissist who we were the victim of. But also we learned that as a behavior that it's almost just comfortable taking on feelings that really don't belong to us. We should not have to carry through our lives. So I created a notebook, and again, I'll put that in the show notes. You can get it on Amazon, but basically it has prompts for every day, every morning to basically just blah, drop those feelings into this notebook. And it's in four little, each page has four little sections. It, it just feels so good to get this stuff off your chest and start your day fresh. So fresh and so clean. Clean. Let's bring it back to the nineties. Was that nineties or two thousands? Number four is mirror work Mirror. Speaker 1: (08:17) I still have my mom's new yorken. Me Mira, it's m i r a Mira No mi rohr work . Can someone say that word right for me? So the premise with this is that you learn to love yourself by directly looking in your own eyes in the mirror and declaring your love. Mm-hmm. . Yeah, Queens. We're about to get crazy up in here, okay? But there is a book actually that talks about this. It's called Mirror Work, 21 Days to Heal Your Life. So Powerful. I will put that book in. Uh, it's from from Amazon as well. You can get it there. I'll put in the show notes. But in the meantime you can just practice saying, I love you in the mirror every morning. I know it sounds a little kooky, but if you wanna go deeper, this book will help you kind of dig up some stuff and looking in the mirror. Speaker 1: (09:07) Truly, this is so powerful, actually more powerful than I thought it was. I was like, oh, I guess it'll be nice. Let me read the book, see how it goes. It's actually really, really powerful and healing. So I know that's a longer term thing to read the book, but in the short term, and just, if you're having a moment just getting to a mirror and looking at yourself in your eyes and you can do affirmations, you can, you know, declare that self-love. You can say, I am worthy this person's feelings and these person's actions do not determine my emotions and my actions. Right? That's huge. That's a huge thing. So saying that on repeat will help you alone. Number six, support. So any kind of support, but support is necessary when healing from narcissistic abuse. This is my opinion, but I'm gonna scream it through the hill, through the hilltops at the, oh no, on top of the hilltops, on top of the hills. Speaker 1: (10:04) I'm gonna scream it somewhere. It's gonna be loud and crazy cuz that's the Italian stallion in enemy. No, I am telling you, you cannot walk this path alone. You should not have to. You shouldn't, you can, but it's, it's gonna take longer to heal and it's, it's gonna be hard, right? It's hard enough even with support, it's doable. I've come so far and I have many clients who we have walked through this together and they are doing amazing. So it's doable, but I'm telling you, without support, it is a lot harder and a lot slower. So therapy is awesome. One benefit of working with me is I give you Voxer access. So if you're having a moment, you can vent it to me on a voice message through Voxer, and I check a couple times a day, usually more so I can jump in there and can help coach you through it. Speaker 1: (10:57) Whether that is talk therapy, reminding you of a great way to break this cycle. Like we're talking about these tools here, or reminding you what a badass queen you are, but having support from someone and the accountability to stick to your healing journey. That might sound silly, but it is a journey and it is a decision. And it's, it's just like anything else when you choose like, I'm gonna start this exercise program, I'm going to eat healthier, right? This is just that in a mental health form, you're working on your mental health and accountability is also huge. So it's the support slash accountability. So if you wanna find ways to work with me, they're in my show notes. You can go to my website, um, you can always email me again, fierce mama c gmail.com with any questions, but you should not walk this alone. Speaker 1: (11:47) And I have a very deep understanding of narcissism. And as I always recommend, even if you don't work with me, find someone who truly understands it and has been a victim themselves of narcissistic abuse and walk through that. I, I feel like I always may get flack for saying that because there are people who study this and don't have the experience. And just from me living through it, I know what it takes to truly understand it in a way that other people don't. So even if it's not me, find somebody who gets narcissistic abuse and has actually walked through it. So let's recap. Five awesome quick ways to heal When you are triggered are yin yoga poses, meditation and breath work, journaling, mirror work, and of course getting that support. All the information will be in the show notes. And let's end with some affirmations. Speaker 1: (12:45) You know, I love me some affirmations. Okay, hand on heart, take a breath. If you, if you're driving, don't touch your heart that you need to touch the steering wheel, okay? But if you are not and you are in a, a safe, calm place, , put your hands on your heart, shut your eyes. And I want you to feel this. You can write it down and add it to your morning affirmations. Okay? I am not going to let someone else's emotions determine mine. I am in control and I am free. Let's do it another time. I'm in the mood for a little extra. I am not going to let someone else's emotions determine mine. I am in control and I am free. Ugh. How's that feel? Yes. Okay, I will see you in the next episode. Have a wonderful week. And again, all this information is always in my show notes in the podcast description, smooches and deuces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, aka a the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade fun.

*Top 3% in podcasts globally

This episode is for ANYONE, narcissistic abuse or not, who wants to find or nurture friendships as an adult.

Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!

My 4 MINUTE meditation:

https://christyjade.ck.page/insider

Join my free facebook group here:

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WORK WITH ME:

https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching

Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?

Grab my E-Course here:

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And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 

https://www.christyjade.com/

Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!

fiercemamac@gmail.com  

Let's connect on social media!

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After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

 

TRANSCRIPT:

Speaker 1: (00:00) Happy Friday. Might not be Friday for you. Maybe you're listening to this on another day. Have a happy other day of the week. But today we're gonna talk about little tips and tricks to make and make a friend. Just one, no, make friends as an adult. Um, we talked about this earlier in the week, um, more about why it's hard, especially for people who've been through abuse. So I'm not doing my regular intro and outro today. I'm just hamming it on up myself. I feel like dodos do too. That's a lot of dues due to allergies, my throat scaling me. But I promised you guys an episode, so I'm going to give it to you. We also went to the aquarium yesterday in Baltimore, Maryland. Highly recommend it is so, so fun. But I've been running, just running. It's our spring break this week, and I've just been running and kind of run down and I was like, I still have to do my episode. Speaker 1: (00:55) Ah, so let's dive in. Look, we're gonna do like a fake new intro. It'll be like, but still she thrives, but still she thrives. My throat is not thriving, but still she thrives. All right, so let's dig, dive on in. Also, if you don't know who I am, by the way, I'm Christy, you probably got that part so far. But I am a narcissistic recovery abuse coach and I work with people, usually do weekly calls. I'm working on creating a course. But if you're interested in working with me, just go to my website, which is www.christyjade.com/workwithme and find the ways to work with me. Or you can always message me or email me at fiercemamac@gmail.com. So early in the week, we talked about friendships and how they can be hard, especially if you have been through abuse. Speaker 1: (01:52) There's walls up, there's fears, there's insecurities. And even if you haven't, those things can happen. Or if you've been hurt by a friend trying to regain that trust or put your wall down, which my thing, I've had a little wall, I've pulled it down recently, so that's why I was talking about this all with you. So today I wanted to discuss things that have helped me kind of first put my wall down and also, you know, try to find new friendships and nurture my old. So I guess first things first, first things first. I'm the realist. Anyone name that tune. Um, first thing is, uh, kind of realizing that I had a wall and I guess I did realize, but then I was like, I am an extrovert. And in general, we all, no matter introvert or extrovert, we do need people. We need community, whether we wanna admit it or not. Speaker 1: (02:49) And I was feeling kind of a void there. So recently I was like, you know what I need? I need to bash this wall down. It's getting old, it's getting crusty. We don't want it there anymore. So it's first like realizing you do have a wall or maybe you're a little jaded or whatever it is, and saying like, I am making a decision to take this down. And that is gonna also mean that I am going to have to change my ways, right? Sometimes we want change without actually like having to do the work. , imagine that. Um, and that's why I say like with my coaching clients, I'm like to make changes, you actually have to make changes like in how you go about your every day, right? You're like daily to-dos and your efforts are going to change. So if you really wanna make a change, you gotta make some changes. Speaker 1: (03:39) Sounds simple, but a lot of people really want that magic pill and it doesn't exist. Or it might be illegal. I don't know. So I made this decision that I was going to put more effort in with a people I already knew, but I was like, you know, they're kind of on the outskirts of my life, not my daily life, but I really enjoy them. And they may not be exactly like, it's almost like we have this idea for me of like this best friend that encompasses all the different things. Like they're funny, they're very thoughtful, they're this, it's like this whole list of things. And I realize part of the thing is like, not everybody has all that, especially when we're trying to balance our lives. Some people might be a little flaker than others, right? Some people may be really super thoughtful and sweet, but not like the girl that's dancing on the bars, having the best time of her life on a Tuesday. Speaker 1: (04:39) That'd be me, by the way. Just kidding. Um, but you know, there's different traits and it's like one person doesn't have to have all those traits. So I was like, you know, I, what traits do I like? And they don't all have to be in like one specific bestie. And I already have a bestie. I don't see her every day. I do talk to her every day. But these people, it was like building the community of people that are closer geographically. I'm like, I really want more people to hang out with in within, you know, five or 10 minutes. So we can say, Hey, wanna go grab, uh, I was gonna say grab a nail, wanna grab a nail, wanna go to the salon, get our nails done, grab a coffee. Um, and for me, just getting out even for an hour really, really refreshes me and fills that friendship, you know, hole, that's not weird. Speaker 1: (05:33) And maybe we'll title this friendship hole. So I started reaching out to people that maybe I talked about hanging out, like, oh yeah, we need to hang out. I actually started putting more effort into those. Like, I like those people. I had an intention of hanging out, but somehow we both are like, oh yeah, we'll hang out and then we don't. So there were a few, I was like, you know, I actually really enjoy time with them and I would like to see them more. So instead of just being like, yo, let's do that. I am going to, the next time I talk to them, say, Hey, Thursday, seven o'clock, what are you doing? Right? That actually has worked. I mean, not every single time, cause people again are busy and have lives. Um, but getting specific instead of just saying, yeah, we should make the time. Speaker 1: (06:21) Even if, let's say you're at, let's say like my daughter's dance and there's a mom and we talk every time, right? And it's like, oh yeah, we should get together, da da da. First of all, there's times I wanna get together without my kids. A lot of times I'll be, oh yeah, let's do a play date. And either we do or we don't, whatever. But it's also like getting these friendships, getting to know people. I found you can do a lot better without the kids around. I like doing both. It's fun to like have, you know, whole family hoop loves. I don't know what that is. That's an, it's another episode. Um, but having those just like mom nights together. So I started even being more specific about that. Like, Hey, do you wanna go grab coffee? Just me and you. Oh yeah, that'd be great. Speaker 1: (07:06) And I'm like, all right, when are you free next week? Or I'm free Tuesday and Thursday. What's a good time? You know, like, because we can get distracted. And I have found when I felt like these people maybe didn't want to because we talk vaguely about doing it and then they wouldn't follow up, guess what? Sometimes I wouldn't follow up either. Side note. Um, not because I didn't like them, right? I found by doing this, I was like, oh, people actually do. And when you make it specific and you're like, Hey, this time and they are showing up, it didn't discourage me because they would follow through, right? Another thing I have done more recently is signing up for classes again, which I was doing before Covid and with Covid, you know, my family's extra cautious, so I wasn't doing a lot of like, extra things that I didn't have to do with a group of people. Speaker 1: (07:59) Now I'm like, Hmm, give me your diseases, everybody. Here we go. We're back in. And I started taking more classes. Like when you do things you love, usually end up meeting like-minded people. Like I love art. So I've been taking, there's like a local craft, an artsy store, um, and they offer different classes on all sorts of things. All things arts and crafts and I love those things. So I started doing resin work recently, which is like, it's kinda like liquid plastic that hardens. You've probably seen it in Men Me artwork pieces like little Tray, I've made trays. They have just all sorts of things. Anyway, well we get, we get sidetracked because squirrel. So I started taking those classes and I meet, I've met women through there. Um, also, you know, my friend runs a local mom's group. I've met many women through there, even online. Speaker 1: (08:59) And then we've met up in person. Um, and you can post in those groups and just say, Hey, I'm going for a walk at 11. Anybody down to walk around that pretty lake, right? So getting involved in the community, you can do online as well. And when you go through local groups, I know there's a buy nothing group in our area. I've met a couple women through that. Like where, you know, you give each other's trash to each other and you, you like it and it's treasure or whatever. What's that saying? someone else's trash can be your treasure girl. I don't think that's a saying. Um, but, so I've met women through that and I've seen some, I, I haven't met like a bestie on there, but I've seen some women and I think there's men on there too, but I've seen some relationships really flourish through that. Speaker 1: (09:53) And it's just like building community in that way as well. Um, also meeting people through the school. Like my daughter had talked about this girl and we knew them through um, girl Scouts. Shout out Jen, I'm gonna talk about, you know. Um, and like, so my daughter's friend, she's cool and they've become closer and I've met her mom and we've, you know, hung out kind of at Girl Scouts, chit chatted whenever, but never actually had hung out outside of school related activities. And I was like, oh, she's cool. And her daughter and my daughter get along, right? So like this week I reached out and was like, Hey, what day? Cuz we were both on spring break together and I was like, Hey, what days do you have available? Do you wanna hang? And she was like, yeah, definitely right? And that's cool. And like that's getting to know people better and hanging out and it, it's just cool. Speaker 1: (10:53) Our daughters got to hang out. We got to chat and get to know each other better. So these are things that you can do and it does take effort and you might have to follow up. It might not be the first time, right? I mean, there's been people that I've followed up with and been like, okay, if they don't respond or don't get back to me, forget 'em. That's been my like mo forever when I meet new people. Cuz I'm like, I don't wanna be chasing people. It's, but that's some jaded. That's some like unhealed trauma, , it's just stupid. Um, but it's like we've like, oh, I don't wanna be rejected. Oh they must not like me. But I've found that to be BS as I've done more of this like intentional. Either I'm gonna follow up again, am I gonna ask someone 18 times when they're like, oh yeah, sure, no, but you get my point. Speaker 1: (11:44) And I have also noticed when I do that more specific like, Hey, when are you available? Exactly. Or my favorite way because I don't like planning that far ahead these days. I don't know why I used to be the biggest planner ever and Covid did something to my little brain where I don't like to plan that far out anymore. So it might be the week of, but I might shoot out a message to a few people or I might, you know, shoot a message to someone if they're not busy, shoot it to someone else. Just, Hey, I'm gonna, I feel like going out and getting a drink, who's down? And it's been really helpful that way. So A making things more intentional. B doing things that you love like those classes or just, you know, even taking a walk around the local little town center, you might meet someone who's also taking a little walk around the town center and you can be like, girl, your walking shoes are fire, right? Speaker 1: (12:45) Next thing you know, you're skipping together arm in arm. Just kidding. Um, but you have to be vulnerable enough to do that. And it took me like a while to get here and that sounds silly. It might sound silly to some people, but if you're following me and you have been through abuse, you probably can relate because we have an extra thing where um, we have insecurities that other people may not have, right? So we might feel like, oh, she's gonna think I'm a weirdo if I compliment her shoes and try to talk to her. She might think like, no, I mean I'd love someone to compliment my, my clouds. What are they called? I just ordered them. Adidas. Adidas cloud form. Is that it? I'm so excited. They're supposed to be lightweight and comfortable. So, um, message me in our group. If you're not in my group, by the way, it's in the show notes. Speaker 1: (13:37) I don't know the link offhand, but come join the group and get engaged. Facebook sucks and doesn't show group things in the feed very often. Like if you're a group and you're not paying for advertisement, like I'm not paying for ads. Um, if you're at all a business, they like shove you down in the algorithm. So join my group and engage. The more engaged you are, the more it'll show up and we can actually have discussions in there cuz it's kind of like birds chirp in there, tweet, but I mean, I guess birds chirping is better than total silence. No. Um, so tell me in there if you have cloud forms, okay, message me, DM me on Instagram. What am I on Instagram? I have to literally look at it. I think it's like fierce. Let me check it out. Lemme check it out. FierceChristyJade. Speaker 1: (14:26) That's my name on Instagram. If you're not following me there, what are you doing with your life? Come follow me. Um, I post all sorts of crap on there. I post my podcast apps, my personal shoes, um, some random dance videos, some narcissistic jokey kind of videos. So check me out. Check me how beaches, I'm in a weird mood this morning, as you can tell. Okay, so we talked about kind of putting that wall down, just making a decision to do it. Like that's courage, people you're afraid but you do it anyway. Okay? And then just getting those new friendships, how to, you know, get out in the world and find new little buddies and maintaining your old friendship friendships. This is something a lot of, I guess a lot of these people could be people you've kind of drifted from. Speaker 1: (15:22) Um, I'm more talking about people that I love to death and if they live close we'd probably hang out every week. But people have moved, like most my friends moved far and wide places, right? So those people, I do have it like I have carved out once a month I carve out a time where I reach out to somebody I haven't talked to in a while. It's just a thing I do to keep up with those friendships because I do value them. And before you know it, sometimes it's like six months have gone by and I haven't spoken to them. And it's always like one of those things where you talk and it's like, feels like no time has passed. So it's not the end of the world. But I don't like it to go so long and you know, I guess I'm, I'd say there's at least a handful of people that do not live near me. Speaker 1: (16:16) So I don't see frequently that are on rotation all must be dialed. Like, okay, yeah, it's time. Katie, this one's for you. If you're listening, like my friend Katie, she lives in Georgia. She has two kids, she's a lawyer, she's busy. I'm busy and I'll just be like, okay, I'm gonna either text her like, Hey, can you chat tomorrow at eight? Or sometimes I just call, um, and she's done the same. So that's just an example of carving out and you could put it on your calendar like every first of the month. You know, either text someone or set up to set up a time or just call and at least try to keep that ball going. You know, it's not always perfect. Sometimes we miss each other and it's another month. Um, but it's just something for me that's important because they are people I value and I want them to know I value them. Speaker 1: (17:12) And those deeper friendships I've had since like grade school or, well mostly I'd say mostly high school at this point. Mostly high school friends, um, or college friends. You know, there's history there and I do feel a connection and I don't want to, you know, lose touch with them to the point it's like, oh, it's been three years and I haven't spoken to you. Right? So that's just another thing. Maybe those friendships aren't that important to you or you already have a rhythm or you go on a girls trip once a year. That's another fun thing you can do plan trips to see these people again. During Covid I kind of fell off the earth as far as like big traveling. So now we're back to that. Um, so that is on my agenda. I have a lot of friends to visit . I have makeup for lost time, but that's on there. Speaker 1: (18:05) And even keeping this for me, I'm also like a d d. So I have lists everywhere. I forget, I'm like where am I? Who am I, what do I have to do? But keeping a list of like friends I wanna visit, you know, some of these would be day trips for me. Like I have a friend in Jersey actually, we were supposed to just hang out yesterday, but her daughter got sick. Um, she was gonna come to the zoo with the, or not the zoo, the aquarium, but her daughter got sick. So, but that's on. I did note in my mind like, okay, she didn't get to come down here so we should go visit in the next couple of months. Maybe we can make it out to Jersey, um, you know, for a quick weekend trip or whatever. So those are other things. Nurturing the relationships you have as well as finding the new ones. Speaker 1: (18:53) And just remember this whole thing. I think a lot of it is fears and insecurities. So do that mindset work. If you need help with that, I do that with my clients all of the time. That is a big thing. We do mindset work, kind of retraining the brain, that can be affirmations and other things. You know, having the deeper talks and digging up a little. Not everyone loves to do it, but if you want change again, ya, oh, that would've been good if I could have sang it the right way. You gonna have to make great changes to be a great change. , maybe I'm sleep deprived. My best friend said her favorite. Christy is a sleep deprived Christy, I'll leave you with that. Um, alright, so you guys, that's your homework. Go out there. I want you to think of one person that has maybe been on the outskirts that you don't know that well, but you'd like to get to know better and actually take the time to reach out and set a date without guilt. Speaker 1: (19:52) We should talk about that on another episode cuz this is like 20 minutes already. But I've talked to moms too recently that said they just have this guilt of spending the time with friends when they feel like they should with their family because they're, you know, they're at work all day and whatever. I'm telling you, we cannot pour from an empty cup. If you are feeling a lack in the friendship area, it's gonna show up and you're gonna have maybe some underlying resentment, not like crazy, but I don't know if that's, that's kind of a strong word for it. But you really need that refresher through time with your girlfriends to also be a better mom, a better wife, a better whatever. I have found that when I am, like, when my cup is full of friendship, , that sounds so weird. Um, I'm just a better person all around. So there's your motivation. Let's chat. If you want to dive deeper Speaker 2: (20:47) With me, you can always grab a call with me at www.christiej.com/work with me and we can have a little call a little chatzky. All right, see you in the next episode.

*Top 3% in podcasts globally

This episode is for ANYONE, narcissistic abuse or not, has been hurt or insecure in friendships and is struggling to find true friendship later in life.

Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!

My 4 MINUTE meditation:

https://christyjade.ck.page/insider

Join my free facebook group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

WORK WITH ME:

https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching

Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?

Grab my E-Course here:

https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse

And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 

https://www.christyjade.com/

Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!

fiercemamac@gmail.com  

Let's connect on social media!

https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/

https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy

After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

 

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1: (00:00) What's up? Welcome to, but still she thrives. It's Christy. We're gonna have like a kickback. Let's just be real. Let's be transparent and let's talk about something that more than just people who have dealt with narcissistic abuse can relate to today. And that topic is how it can be hard to make or maintain friendships as we get older. And yes, having abuse in your childhood or even in your relationships can have an impact. We'll talk about that and then we'll just talk about how certain situations with friends can really have an impact on future friendships. Speaker 1: (00:41) Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life. And I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or at pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (02:02) Honestly, this episode, I just wanted to be very forthcoming. I wanted to open up a little, you can get to know me a little better and just how certain things have affected me in my life, in friendships, um, not just relationships or not just related to narcissism. I thought I'd just have a very open conversation about this. And I mean conversation. I want you guys to email me or write in the Facebook group. Um, those things are on how to contact me are always in the show notes, aka the description of this podcast on wherever you're listening it. So let's start off. First of all, for those people who have gone through narcissistic abuse, this can have a huge impact on our relationships and our friendships. Um, that's something we don't always talk about. For me, dealing with narcissism really created some big insecurities in me. Speaker 1: (02:58) I had some confidence in some areas, but when it came to relationships or even friendships, I was trying to make up for a loss, right? Like I almost created a family with my friendships. So very dependent on friends, like they were like my family. I felt very close and connected to my friendships that I formed. I was very good at keeping up with them and keeping close to them. That's something I'm really still good at, um, especially in my inner circle of people. That is something people have even noticed and noted about me my whole life. And I think part of that is, yes, I'm an extrovert and whatever that, that plays into it, but I think it's also when you feel like there's a disconnect and you're not treated well by some members of your family that you're around, it's, it feels safer and more comfortable to create your own space, right? Speaker 1: (03:57) Like I would not be home as much as maybe the typical person. I would stay out, I would stay over friends' houses a lot to kind of build that safety and security that I did not feel. So as I got older, um, like I said, I'm an extreme extrovert. I have a ton of acquaintances, but I would call them more than that. And I had one friend that was like, I had like 50 people at my party and she's like, there's no way you can like actually be friends, friends with these people. It's like 50 people. And I'm like, mm, yeah, I'm, I'm pretty close with a lot of em, you know, because I created that dynamic. So as I got older and had more responsibilities and got married, had a child, and especially when I did this could come with just age and maturity, but in my situation it also came with, you know, having a narcissistic abuser in my life and cutting that person off and realizing, wait, there are other people in my life and other friends that aren't treating me the best. Speaker 1: (04:56) It was just like once, it's kind of like one of those domino effects where once you realize something and you set it free and you see how feel it feels so good, you start to realize, wait, I'm getting that other feeling in this part of my life, right? So it's this domino effect. So that started happening. So there were a couple of friends that some I tried to talk to and it wasn't received well. Some just kind of distance naturally that I felt I had to create that distance to have peace in my life, to feel like I was being treated well by friends and not controlled it. You know, sometimes when you're used to narcissism or a certain way of, it doesn't even have to be narcissist, but a certain type of person in your life, in your childhood, you can later almost be drawn or during childhood be drawn to that. Speaker 1: (05:49) And as you get older, be drawn to relationships that are similar, right? Like people that are maybe more on the controlling side or people that it's their way or the highway Highway or whatever they say goes, that definitely can play out. And you might be bob in your head. Yep, yep. Especially if you've been through abuse. So I'm gonna dive in kind of pivot here to talk about a situation that happened when I was engaged. When I got engaged, one of my very, very, very close bestest friends, basically as I say, broke up with me. It, it felt like that. I mean, I was friends with her for ver a very long time. I think it was like two decades, well, no, 15 years maybe. But we were very, very close. And I still to this day am not entirely sure why she cut me off. Speaker 1: (06:37) And it really hurt. I got it, got a vague idea, but it, you know, it was something that was really sad that we couldn't talk it out. But then fast forward years later, I had a similar situation where I cut someone off and I was in a place where I felt like I couldn't even, I didn't wanna try anymore. And I think it was just like the reverse of that, you know? She didn't wanna try, she didn't have the energy to say or do whatever she had to say or do. And it was devastating to me. I was very, very like really heartbroken over it. You know, this is one of my best friends and, and it sucked at the end of the day. It sucked. And I know a lot of women who this has happened to in their lives. A lot of my own friends, a lot of clients that have lost friends and either don't know why or they do know why, but it's just really unfortunate and it, it's hard and it can change us. Speaker 1: (07:30) So this is the part where whether you have have had abuse in your life or not, which, if you've had abuse a man, that rejection there, that feeling like you found someone you felt safe with and they let you go like that, that is what really was hard for me. I think, you know, yes, it was sad to let her go, but we had kind of grown, uh, I won't say a part, but grown into, we were growing into kind of different people than each other and maybe different interests, different things like that. So on the service, if you looked at it, it wasn't like, and she had been kind of not so nice to me the couple years before we stopped talking. So part of me was like, well, it's not even like, oh my gosh, I can't live without this specific person. I think it really dug at that wound of man I felt safe and that's not real. Speaker 1: (08:25) It almost made me feel like I, I thought I could trust and I was safe with this person and I'm not. And after you go through abuse, like that really can re-trigger things. And so I think that's why it was like just really hard to deal with at the time. Anyway, obviously life went on and I grew, but I did notice that when I was meeting new people, I had a wall up. And that can happen where I didn't, I didn't really trust women. I get along, I feel like I get along easier with men. Um, and I don't know if that's just, cuz this situation, it's like girlfriends, this happened with or whatever. I do feel like in general, I'm very goofy and sarcastic and sometimes in my world, at least where I live or people I've met, I do feel like men are almost more easygoing. Speaker 1: (09:12) Or maybe, maybe it's a thing where they're not looking to make friends and I'm not looking to have like man friends around. So it's kind of like, it's just, there's no expectation there. So it lifts that potential, you know, friendship or whatever. You know how like you have mommy dates, it's like, oh, I, I hope I like this. You know, kid's, mom, that'd be cool. There's, I don't feel like there's like a big potential for that because I don't know, as a married woman, I'm not gonna be like hanging out with these other men 24 7, go and get our nails done. And shopping at Target, though, that would be fun. I've told my husband, I'm like, God, I wish I could like do it up with all the men. , that sounds awful. That is not what I meant, which just came outta my mouth. Speaker 1: (09:53) Um, but he knows what I mean. He's like, well, I mean you can talk to men and Christie, you know, I'm like, I know, but there's just a difference. So anyway, I get sidetracked, but that's me welcome to ADHD world. But back to meeting new friends, having these walls up, not trusting. I've met people though also that just, they're like, I don't wanna put in that effort because it feels like dating all over again. It feels like surface level. And I don't love surface level. I am like one that goes in. Um, but I also love to have fun. I'm, you know, if you follow me, you know, I'm goofy, I'm silly, I'm loud, I'm ridiculous basically. And I like some ridiculous people. So it's kind of like dating again and we have these responsibilities. Maybe you have kids like I do, a lot of my friends have kids and sometimes it's hard to keep up with everything. Speaker 1: (10:45) It's overwhelming for me. I would say I do crave those closer connections. And having that tribe of people, I feel like for me, I have a, I have a lot of friends like in different areas of my life, but not like one, you know, tribe that's like together kind of. And I always think that's cool and I've been part of those, but as life ebbs and flows, um, I've gone kind of in and out of some of those situations and as I've opened my eyes to what I want in friendships, I've also been like, well that isn't working for me. But since I've had that discovery, which was how many years ago, probably eight years ago, I do have like a radar with people I meet and it's like, I mean, it's not like I'm, it's a crazy screening test. Not, but it is like, is this person thoughtful? Speaker 1: (11:38) I mean, there's a lot of people that are really up their own. Let me just say it. And I, I might get flack for this because I understand some people, I don't know, like even my husband's like, why? I just, he's like, so, feels, feels socially awkward. So he is like, I just kind of answer what people ask. And beyond that he, like, when he's on the surface level part of it, he obviously has deeper friendships, but he doesn't, it's not in him to dive deeper and ask people a lot of questions. Like me, I feel like Oprah Winfrey, like I just, I love, I'm fascinated with people. I love learning about people. I love different people's cultures. And so, you know, I really try to find out about people and I, and I care, like if I, if I, you know, connect with you, I'm like, oh, let's hang out. Speaker 1: (12:24) You know, there's a potential for a friendship. I'm, I love my people. So I will say something in my more recent years, like if someone's all about them and then there's a difference between Shire people and people that are extroverted, but all they talk about is themselves. And you can ask 'em 50 questions and then they don't ask one question about you. Like, that is a pet peeve of mine. I don't get it. And I'm like, especially if they are extroverted, but hey, I don't know everyone's life. So there could be another reason, right? They could be, they could be insecure about it, but I'm just, I told you I'm being an open book today. So back to the walls that we hold, especially if we had abuse in our life, but even if we didn't, just, if you've been hurt by a friend, if you just, you know, have your issues cause of X, Y, Z, we can have these walls up or not have the energy or feel like we don't have the time. Speaker 1: (13:19) Or maybe you are my socially awkward husband. Sorry honey, sorry . Um, actually he doesn't care about really making new friends. I mean he, he likes people, you know, but it's not like he doesn't have the desire like I do as an extrovert, right? To connect like that is something like I need in daily life to connect with people outside of even probably my inner circle. I mean, I talk to my like real tight girls every day, like text, sometimes we talk on the phone, but I do like connecting outside of that circle. So I just wanted to talk about this cuz I, I think, you know, we don't always talk about this and it's something I want people to not feel alone. Like if you have this, especially if you've gone through abuse, you already listened to my podcast, then you probably have been through some sort of abuse. Speaker 1: (14:08) That's why it can feel harder. That's why it can be more emotional when we reach out to someone like, Hey girl, you wanna go get some, you know, go grab a drink. And they're like, oh yeah, definitely. And then you're like, cool, let me know when, and they never get back to you. And then you feel like, oh wow, I guess they don't, they don't like me, right? It's like these insecurities, I mean, I feel that way. I'm like, oh, maybe I'm too much. You know, which could be, hey, I could be too much for some people , but it's not always what we're telling ourselves. It's those negative, crappy thoughts often created by being mistreated, like as children or in, in relationships prior. A lot of it is just BS thoughts that enter our heads and people are just either busy or yeah, they're not really into making new friends in the season of life or they're scatterbrained. Speaker 1: (15:03) I had one friend, I actually, I've had two people say this to where I, I reached out and asked them to hang out and they're like, oh, I can't on Thursday, but, you know, keep asking me. Or you know, the other ones, I, I forget the exact wording, but you know, no, but, but keep trying. We gotta hang out. Where I was like at first like, well that's jacked up. Why do I gotta be the one to initiate all the time, you know? But guess what? Because you're the one that wants to connect and it seems like they want to and they have followed, like I have followed up and we have hung out. But some people, they're just not great at doing that. So I guess this is just to say you're not alone if you're feeling this way. It is hard as we get older and keep pushing, keep trying. Speaker 1: (15:44) If you wanna connect, try to make it less personal. It's not always about you. It might be girl, maybe you're annoying as. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. But yeah, not everyone is gonna be for any, everybody either. But that's not bad. That's the, that's the way the world is, right? I mean, if we got along with everybody famously and had 90 best friends, that'd be way overwhelming. So, you know, it's good to have discernment when you have had abusive situations. You may be like me where you may be like, maybe I'm a little extra sensitive about looking for signs of like, mm, that person is too into themselves. And it does seem like they always take over and only wanna do what they wanna do. And like I see these red flags. Are they always red flags or am I little overcautious? I don't know. Speaker 1: (16:31) But that's where I'm at. And so far I've made some really nice friends and I'm making more friends and I'm bringing in some further friends closer that I think seem like really good people and they're uplifting and they're, they're doing good things in their lives and not gossiping and talking and they actually, there's like substance there that's important to me too. So it's like we wanna kind of have people that we don't wanna force friendships with just anybody. And at the same time, it can be hard to find friends in this stage of life, right? So I'd love just this conversation to keep going. I will bring it up in my Facebook group, email me if you wanna talk privately about it. Cause I think a lot of people deal with this stuff and just, I don't think we discuss it as much as we could and to feel supported. Speaker 1: (17:19) That being said, I think that's, I'm, I'm deciding today, I'm gonna do an extra episode this week, A quickie on maybe tips on making friends in later life and after abuse and all of that. Cuz I have been kind of working through this with myself so that I'm lowering my wall and letting more people in, more closely letting myself be vulnerable, which has not been easy for me, um, you know, in the last several years. So even though I've met people, I kind of, I don't let 'em all the way in, you know, I've noticed that. So I'm excited. I'm, and I'm starting to, we can do it together, work on it together. But I have started thinking about ways to do it and I'm going to put that on my next episode. Some little tips if you're in the same situation as I am. Speaker 1: (18:11) And if you wanna be my online friend, hit me up. Hit me up girl. Um, it's always fun. I have made so many online friends during the pandemic, oh my gosh, the, especially in 2020, even 2021 I was in online groups and like there is a plethora of amazing people out there and we have like the whole world that we're able to connect to because of the internet, which is just amazing. It's so cool. So yes, that's, I guess that's the tip I'll leave you with. You can also do online, but I'm a big in-person, person that a person, person, person, . I really am into connecting and, and actually, you know, feeling that vibe. Did I just say vibe? Feeling that vibe girl. But you know, connecting in person. But sometimes if you are super shy or awkward, even meeting people online could build your confidence, whatever. Speaker 1: (19:07) Um, but let's do tips on meeting new friends. I will throw that out later this week. So make sure you're subscribed to my podcast on, but still she thrives there. You just click a little subscribe button. And I would love you guys if you are liking this podcast, please, if you have not, go scroll down and check off, not check off like, I don't know, hit the five star little guy if you like me that much. If you wanna gimme five stars, if you wanna gimme one, just skip this . Just don't do that. , no. Gimme a five star review and I'd love to hear your actual feedback too. You can write a little comment in there and that really helps my podcast reach more people. So I would so appreciate it. And big air hugs. You deserve good friendships. You are amazing. You're a great friend. Speaker 1: (19:59) And f those people who are mean to you, . All right, see you in the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you.

*Top 3% in podcasts globally HOUSE OF RUTH HELP/RESOURCES AND DONATION/VOLUNTEER INFORMATION BELOW: House of Ruth, Domestic Violence Support Center – www.houseofruth.org; 202/667-7001, x515 (free, confidential counseling for trauma and abuse survivors) • Office of Victim Services, Victim Hotline – www.DCvictim.org; 1-800-844-5732 (4HELPDC) • National Domestic Violence Hotline – www.thehotline.org; 1-800-799-7233 • DC Volunteer Lawyers Project - www.DCVLP.org Resources- Adolescents and kids • Veto Violence- dating violence prevention training for teachers, coaches, school personnel, youth leaders https://vetoviolence.cdc.gov/apps/datingmatters/ • Kids Help Line- online resource for broaching difficult topics for kids 5+ https://kidshelpline.com.au/kids/issues • Love is Respect- safe dating resource for teens with phone/text support https://www.loveisrespect.org/ • Teen Dating Violence Prevention Guide- icebreakers and activities https://www.communitysolutionsva.org/files/Building_Healthy_Relationships_Across_Virginia_Unit • ChAMPS- on-call, mobile mental health emergency service for DC youth www.dbh.dc.gov; (202) 481- 1440.   Want to  learn more about donating or volunteering? You can contact House of Ruth chief development officer Elizabeth Kiker via email at ekiker@houseofruth.org -----------

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TRANSCRIPT: Speaker 1: (00:02) Welcome to, but still she thrives. We have a very special guest today, Leona Brannan, and she works for the House of Ruth. And this is a resource I wanted to share with you guys who are local to the DC Maryland area. So we're really just, uh, gonna share this information and share what the House of Ruth does. So welcome Leona. Speaker 2: (00:28) Thank you. Thank you for having me, Christy. Speaker 1: (00:31) Yes. Thank you for being here. So we'll just dive right in. What is the house of Ruth's mission? First, we'll start there . Speaker 2: (00:39) Sure, sure. So the House of Ruth, we were founded in 1976 by a Georgetown University professor named Veronica Madz. Um, she noticed in teaching her students and taking them out in DC to do volunteer work, she noticed that she walked past a homeless man laying on the street in DC mm-hmm. how she felt passing him by. Speaker 1: (01:03) Yeah. Speaker 2: (01:03) And really understanding there are major issues and challenges that can need to be met when it comes to the unhoused homelessness. Um, and particularly for women. Um, and especially for women who are leaving domestic violence situations. Um, so our mission essentially is to empower women, children, and families to rebuild their lives and heal from trauma and abuse and homelessness. You know, our services include support enriched housing for families and for single women. Mm-hmm. Also, trauma-informed care via our developmental daycare, kids space and free counseling at the D V S C or domestic violence support center where I work. Um, and that's designed to empower anyone regardless of gender, who are survivors of trauma and abuse. Speaker 1: (01:50) That, that's awesome. I love that. And just before we continue, what specific area of people are looking for this resource? One of the many that you offer, which, you know, I didn't even know the childcare aspect until I talked to you previously. So there's just, there's a lot of stuff you guys do, but specifically what area do you serve if someone is looking for this? What are the, I guess, limitations geographically? Speaker 2: (02:14) Definitely. So for housing, um, the main eligibility requirement is to be a DC resident. Okay. Um, we're grant funded for our housing programs and also for our, um, counseling services. So we have different stipulations for housing. That's one of 'em. You have to have, uh, DC residency established mm-hmm. and you work with the team from there for counseling. There isn't a, uh, residential, uh, requirement. It's just to, if you're interested in counseling and you've experienced any form of trauma or abuse, um, especially in, in regards to interpersonal relationships, it doesn't have to be a romantic relationship. A lot of times our clients, um, who seek services here have had difficult family experiences that have been emotionally, physically, financially abusive. Um, that has either led to homelessness or, or periods of homelessness or just really dysfunction or dysregulation in the day-to-day life. That's for the counseling service and for the developmental daycare. Makes sense. You have to be in DC Um, it is located in southeast DC and so it's really servicing and providing that support for the community there. But people drive their children across DC to get there. Um, cause it is such a support enriched program. Speaker 1: (03:33) Right. And so as far as the housing, what is the setup for that pre discounted? I know you have mentioned HUD vouchers when we were talking, so just trying to give an idea to those in DC that could use it, what to expect Speaker 2: (03:48) For sure. So we do have a really great intake process that works with each individual in, in looking at their particular situation. Um, cuz we do have individuals who are currently working and needing that support to have affordable housing. And so we do, you know, do kind of a subsidized, uh, rental assistance program there and helping people to connect with, uh, safe and clean housing. Yes. And if you have challenges or any issues, those barriers with being able to get a lease because there've been issues with your rental history. Mm-hmm. That's where House of Ruth helps out with that too. That's great. We also have transitional housing on in that are kind of dormitory style for folks who are experiencing like crisis housing and needing some crisis support. And so for single women, we have programs where you're at a location, a secured and safe location for, could be 12 to 18 months before you transition to permanent supportive housing or independent housing. Again, all of our programs are support and enrich. So that means that you'll have some case management support. You'll have a person who's gonna help you walk through all of the resources and benefits that you're eligible for to help establish that foundation for independence. Speaker 1: (05:07) Yes. And I know there is such a great need for this type of resource, which means there can sometimes be a wait mm-hmm. . Yes. At this time or in general, is there a wait list? Is there a general time people wait and if so, where do you kind of direct them or what do you advise them to do in that situation? Speaker 2: (05:27) So when I receive callers, um, asking more questions about housing, I do direct them to our intake line. Mm-hmm. , because we have seven programs for single women and six programs for women and children. Yeah. It varies and depending upon each individual's particular situation, you might be able to be placed within the week or might be a few weeks. Mm-hmm. , there might be some additional things to kind of work through first. So our intake line is really helpful. Uh, they know all of our programs and they're really, they're better versed than I am in the kind of steps to take. So that's where I direct people essentially. We receive all of the calls essentially, or it feels like all of the calls Yes. Um, to our main line here. And so I, I do direct people that way so they can get the specific information for their specific situation. Speaker 1: (06:19) Yeah. It's great to have such a variety cover all bases. And that's great to know that they could actually get in quicker than one would maybe think because of the, of the demand, you know, the unfortunate demand, right. That there is a demand for this. Speaker 2: (06:34) Yeah. And it has gone up. It has gone up because of the pandemic. Speaker 1: (06:38) So with the counseling and you said it's kind of the eligibility's pretty open, what, what is offered? Is there anything resources that, just to give another idea of, I know there's emotional support mm-hmm. , but gaining access to certain other resources like education or, um, childcare outside of, if, you know, like I said, if there is, you know, not space at that time or legal issues, thing like that. Speaker 2: (07:06) Gotcha. Gotcha. So the biggest thing we run into is, you know, because of the demand at times we do have a bit of a wait for, uh, therapy and being matched with a counselor after you do your intake for counseling mm-hmm. . Um, so I let people know on the front end if it's gonna be four weeks, six weeks, things like that. And at intake, every client is provided with a list of resources and that we walk through and talk through and also safety planning tips to really help the set the stage for what they can expect in terms of the support from our program. So my team, we're all licensed mental health counselors. And so our first, first and foremost, our first uh, kind of focus is on trauma and healing. Mm. Right. Yes. So we, we do a lot of talk therapy, a lot of, uh, skills building with the focus on, you know, helping our clients identify their goals that really contribute to their life worth living. Speaker 2: (08:02) Now, understandably, it's not just, I wanna feel better, I want to live better. There's all these other pieces that contribute to that course. Like my housing stability, financial stress and strain, childcare. Mm-hmm. . And so in having, I guess this will be less of a case manager, we do help clients connect with case management and find a, a good program that fits them. But having that person to meet with and talk through your plan and have like that support and encouragement as you're calling these numbers and maybe getting a little bit of a runaround and feeling frustrated, having a safe place to land with that is, is it's super helpful from the feedback I get from clients. So I like to let people know we're traumatologists mm-hmm. . So we really focus on helping our clients learn the skills they need to really advance and move forward in their life. And understanding that additional resources beyond the scope of counseling can be needed at times. And so you just have that additional support to navigate , the wide system that we have in DC Yes. To really put those pieces in place one, one piece at a time. Speaker 1: (09:09) That's great because I, you know, I can imagine coming out of a abusive situation and even if you're just on the other side of it, but having to feel so overwhelmed with all the things that come along besides traumas, like you said, that's first and foremost you wanna work on that. But all these other things that are just almost seem like such a hard task to someone who has just gone through something traumatic. Mm-hmm. , I mean, even getting up in the morning or taking a shower can be hard . So yeah, it's really great to have that support there right away, even if you can't get to the counseling part right away. Which is, it's just nice. And I did wanna kind of touch on that cuz I remember you did say that you guys do offer a list and resources right away. So my podcast is mostly focused on after people are out of a situation, a toxic situation. Like you said, it could be romantic, it could be family. And I do know you and I wanted to just make this clear, you all do help people with exit strategies cuz some people come to me and I don't really work on that. Right. So if you could just, I guess, touch on what you do as far as that. Are you dealing with people who come and say, Hey, I, I don't even know where to start. I'm still in a situation mm-hmm. Speaker 2: (10:26) . Yeah. Okay. Yes. When we have clients who are still living in a abusive or unsafe situation and then kind of unsure about if and how to leave, our big focus at that juncture is, is working on identifying those steps that they would feel safe taking. It's kind of thinking through your therapist, right? Your therapist isn't or shouldn't mm-hmm tell you exactly what to do. Right. Speaker 2: (10:57) We can't kind of prescribe to our clients this is what you need to do. What we are able to focus on are the safety steps that can help other or have helped other people. Mm-hmm. and giving our clients the ideas. So considering, you know, where, how do you save things in your phone, how would you save these resources in a way if you're concerned that your partner or the person that you're living with would have access to it or see that you don't want them to. Right. What are safe ways to save and keep resources? How do you kind of strategize around where you would go, you know? Mm-hmm. , let's consider the different options in your natural support system. And then we look at the options within the city. So planning where to go, who to call, and how to keep that information as safe and secure as possible is really that kind of early on. Speaker 2: (11:55) Like, let's consider some options, also strategies to leave with children. Cause that can look a little bit different as well. Yes. Um, so I really work with my clients, especially my mom's, on identifying what are the steps that you feel the most comfortable and safe with doing first, what is plan B, C, and D . Right? Right. Worst case scenario. Right. So we think through these things and for clients it's also great to have a place that you're coming to where I can write it down and save it and keep it and we could come back to it if you don't feel comfortable taking that with you. Cuz again, that fear is there of what would the person figure out what I'm trying to do. Right. Um, so you really consider all of these elements of safety, of feeling, feelings of security to make this very big leap in change. Speaker 1: (12:46) Yes. Yes. Uh, I love that you guys do that and support them through that earlier stage. And like you said, it's gonna look different for everybody. And you know, with my podcast, yes I have advice on a specific niche, but you know, with that comes, everyone's story's different and there are real fears. Mm-hmm. , especially in this type of situation, you have violent people that can be evolved. There's some real fears there. So you've gotta stay within someone's comfort zone and keeping them safe obviously is, you know, top priority. So that being said, what advice do you have for women who are finally getting out of an abusive or toxic situation? Mm-hmm. Speaker 2: (13:30) , I would say first and foremost, connecting as early as possible with support programs like House of Ruth. I think that really makes a difference because when we're in the most difficult times in our lives, it can be really isolating. Hmm. When we're experiencing really the worst kinds of abuse, the worst kinds of, of neglect from the people who are closest to us. Whether it's recent or it's well in the past, there can be a lot of emotions that come up from that as you're trying to build your life. We work with folks who, you know, are actively working on changing their lives, whether it's via employment, whether it's via, you know, education or just reestablishing a fully independent life on your own with or without kids. There's so many emotions that come up through that. And as you're navigating going to school or going to work the day-to-day grind of, of, of whatever your life situation looks like, being able to have a, again, a safe place to land a support system around you, it's just invaluable. Speaker 2: (14:46) And it does help in reducing severity of crises at times too. Right. Because again, not being by yourself and not feeling totally isolated, you're more likely to be able to kind of think through and work through what you would wanna do and strategize a little bit earlier in the, in the, in the game. Mm-hmm. . Um, so no matter where you are in your process, if you're just considering like, Hmm, maybe this could be better or maybe I want things to be different, connecting with a support program. I big advocate for House of Ruth and, and calling us and, and at least having someone help you kind of navigate, uh, the vast social service system that we have here. You may talk with multiple programs and organizations before you find the right one before you feel that level of support. But starting that early, I would definitely recommend it. I would also say having a plan pre and post exit, you know, that can be helpful too. Just an idea in mind so you don't have to just headli it and kind of take things as they come. It can make leaving feel a little bit more doable. Speaker 1: (15:57) Yes. Speaker 2: (15:57) You know, if you're thinking it through and you have a support behind you, and even if you've left in the past and you're like, man, I've done this before and I've come back and I've come back, this could be the time that it makes the most difference and that it actually sticks. Right. This can be the time where this change is lasting. So I encourage people to give yourself, give yourself grace and space to, to make these big changes. And knowing that it's not all or nothing, it might not look perfect. Mm-hmm. it may not be the best and the most comfortable situation. Um, but having support makes it even better to like be able to achieve it. Right. We have some new success stories from our programs and, and people who've come from really dark times. Yeah. And so we see that with the right support you can achieve the better life that you want for yourself. I would also recommend starting counseling early. I'm a big proponent for therapy. Speaker 1: (16:54) Me too. . Absolutely. Speaker 2: (16:56) I think it's so important no matter where you are in life, to take time to slow down and, and really have that therapeutic open environment and safe space to explore, to unpack and uncover maybe things that you hadn't before. And learning how to deal with it, be with it self-soothe. Um, I think we all could use that, especially after the years, couple years we've had, you know, to be able to set healthy boundaries for yourself and for others while you're trying to create a new normal. All of these things we aren't taught in school. So having therapy gives you a space to really learn it and incorporate it into your life. Speaker 1: (17:38) Yes. That's a whole other, uh, podcast where I, I think I talked to you about that. I just would love to see more of this taught in school, proactive avoidance of getting into these situations, right? Mm-hmm. , because it starts so young, it can start really young. So that's something I'm passionate about as well and, you know, gonna tap into that in the future. So yes, I totally agree that, and I think it's important for us to, you know, send that message out that it's never too early to come to you guys. It's never too early to start with the questions. Even if you're not sure this is how you can decide you get support, right? Mm-hmm. mm-hmm. . And another thing I did wanna mention, because I have had people, you know, clients of mine say, well, you know, he doesn't hit me or something. Speaker 1: (18:27) Right. I just wanna reiterate, and maybe you can speak to it, a little of abuse is just not physical. And I know that like the back of my hand now, but when I was younger and going through things that I did, I was in it and didn't realize how much the emotional and other, other things could have a toll take a toll. And I think that's more common than we realize with people in abusive situations, even if it is physical dis well he, he only hit me once or he, you know, there's just this idea of kind of dismissing it. So I guess if you could speak to any of that before we, um, get going here just popped up and I thought we'd touch it real quick. Speaker 2: (19:07) And that's really important and that's a big thing that, you know, we teach as we do, we do a lot of, uh, community presentations, especially around domestic violence awareness month. That's when we have our busiest time. Mm-hmm. and I talk a lot about this dynamic that in relationships, especially intimate partner relationships, it doesn't start off as physical. You know, we, we educate and learn about the red flags internally and externally that can come up in a relationship and how to read those early sign, you know, if I set up a boundary or say no to something, the person's response to it is really important. It's really telling. And so we're gathering information and, and helping our clients and the folks that we connect with in the community know what those early warning signs look like. Know what that power and control dynamic, how that can come up early in a relationship or over time. Speaker 2: (20:08) And really being able to hear those internal red flags because we hear about like, oh, that's a red flag. This is something that someone is doing that isn't good. Right. But what about those internal ones that come up? If I express myself and the person I'm speaking to says something negative or derogatory, that makes me feel bad about what I'm saying. That is speaking to me. That is telling me something about how this dynamic can make me feel. And if I address that with the person and I still feel unheard or hurt by their response, those internal feelings are really important to Q into and to listen to. Speaker 1: (20:45) Absolutely. I always say, listen to your body. If you really get quiet enough and you let your thoughts escape. I'm big on meditation and prayer because in those moments you can check in even if you're outside of the actual moment where you know it does sting or, or you feel dismissed or undervalued mm-hmm. when you sit in silence. And for me that can be prayer, meditation, whatever. You really can ask yourself questions and essentially quote, listen to your body. You know, like mm-hmm. , our body, our heart, our, I mean it's, we're always communicating to ourselves. It's just a matter of listening. Right. Speaker 2: (21:19) . Exactly. And learning how to listen. Cause it's not automatic. No. There's so many thoughts that come through your mind at one point in time that it can be hard to slow down a little bit. Speaker 1: (21:31) Totally. Especially when you're kind of in survival mode. I mean, so that's a whole other situation, right. So it's like surviving and trying to listen and, and do all that can be tricky. But you know, Speaker 2: (21:45) I also wanna mention how relationships, especially in the beginning, they tend to feel great. Mm-hmm. , we call it as like the honeymoon stage. Yes. Right. And, and everything is awesome and exciting. You know, I have a number of clients who've been in therapy with me for some time and they're in a new relationship and it's so great and so exciting and they're a little bit afraid because they kind of know of what's happened before mm-hmm. , you know, so a little bit of that historical, you know, information is, is coming to the forefront, but even still in the moment, it's so great and it's so exciting and that's the most, that's the loudest message. Yes. That this person likes me, I feel good, I feel great. And so even then we work on and we talk about, let's consider what your boundaries are and and see safe ways in, in early ways to kind of throw them out there to learn this person. Yes. And give yourself the opportunity to hear what would come up for you if you set a boundary or if you asked for something or you said no to something, what would that look like and how would you feel? So understanding that those early stages, especially of dating, no matter what age you are, you are a detective and you're learning Yes, absolutely. You're wanting to know who this person is and how they make you feel. And in addition to all the great feels in the beginning mm-hmm. Speaker 1: (23:06) . Right. Great point. And on the heels of that, when people have gotten out of the situations and you're looking back, even in my own situation, a lot of times we kind of forget like well the bad kind of sinks down and we are clutching onto those good moments. Mm-hmm. . And so we can, that's where you can get kind of pulled back in and if, you know, a lot of abusers can do the power control and manipulation and tug on your heartstrings, they know what buttons to push. So that's just another thing kind of similar even on the other end where I'm sure you guys, you know, help with that on the post leaving, trying not to get sucked back in because that's, that can be common as well. Speaker 2: (23:46) Well for me I could, because again I'm totally respectful of my client's choices. Mm-hmm. , I have had clients who've resumed a relationship and really my focus and goal is supporting them and doing it in a healthy way to make choices in a healthy way. Right. To continue to build their self-confidence, their inner dialogue and keeping it going. Yes. Um, because whew, it, it can be difficult to, especially when families are involved, it can really be difficult to not have a relationship with maybe a close family member, maybe a parent. Right. You know, and so navigating how to maintain a relationship you wanna maintain in a way that also maintains your self-respect and your safety. We practice and learn how to do that as well. Speaker 1: (24:39) Yes. And that's like you said, those boundaries like mm-hmm that's setting up the boundaries cuz yes there are situations and even co-parenting that, you know, with an ex mm-hmm , there are situations either, like you said, you want to maintain some sort of contact or you have to. So yes, navigating that balance where you can still feel good in that relationship somehow. And I, I agree that it's, do you know it's doable, it's just work and so support is really important. Well thank you so much. Also, I did wanna talk really quickly. I know you have opportunities for volunteering. I believe there's ways to donate. So if you can touch on that and I will have all of the links to all the information in my show notes for the podcast, but I just want you to give a little synopsis, Speaker 2: (25:27) For sure. So we've had such a great development team, um, led by our development kind of, I call her the president that's probably not her title but call her development president cuz she's so on it. Her name is Elizabeth Kiker and she's easily reached via phone and email, um, which I'll give to you to add to your notes. Yes. Great. Um, and she really does a great job on identifying the, the biggest areas of need in our organization and introducing people to what we do, how we work and, and also connecting many organizations beyond. Like we work with a lot of other organizations within DC and so being able to have just that wealth of knowledge from Elizabeth, she has so much in terms of opportunities with us and also how to support the work we do at large. So I would definitely say to connect with Elizabeth if you're interested in donating your time, donating supplies cuz we do support a lot of, you know, and women and also kids mm-hmm. , you know, a lot of times we don't have fun things for them to do. And so having those just community supports makes such a big difference in just the experience that our, our families have, uh, while they're with our program. Speaker 1: (26:44) Great. Yes. So I will definitely put all those links and I'll try to get the direct links to each, each thing on the website, um, and then her information will provide that. Yeah. And I guess that is it. This is, uh, just thank you for what you do. Um, I'm so excited we got to do this little collaboration and, and get the word out more because Speaker 2: (27:05) It's such a, I appreciate you for spreading the word. I love to talk about House of Ruth and what we do and I'm super appreciative for the opportunity to, to share that with your listeners. Speaker 1: (27:15) Yeah, I'm very excited. So thank you so much and we'd love to have you back on to talk about maybe different topics in more depth and we'll love to talk to you soon. Speaker 2: (27:25) Definitely would love to come back. Thank you Speaker 1: (27:27) Christie. All right. Yes. Thank you, Leanna. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com  

 

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Does trying to co-parent with a toxic person drive you up the wall and you feel like you don't know how much more you can take? In today's episode I discuss what NOT to do when co-parenting with a narcissist.

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After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

Transcript

Speaker 1: (00:00) One of the most important things when co-parenting with a narcissist is the obvious. You want to protect your children and it may be hard to protect them. A narcissist is not so fun and can manipulate, can drag them into it. There's a lot of tough things. But stay tuned for four ways to protect your kids. Speaker 1: (00:26) Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course, Speaker 1: (01:46) You do have somewhat of a lack of control when you are co-parenting with a narcissist. So we have to focus on what you can control. Number one, talk to your child. And this is a very fine line, so I want you to be discerning when you are talking with your child. Um, it's, you know, you're trying to help them understand their other parent's behavior. If it's that bad that you feel the need to talk about it, make it age appropriate. Teach them that their parent's behavior is about that parent. I can't stress this enough and without totally trash talking, cuz we just talked about in the last last week's episode, we don't wanna trash talk the narcissist to our child. We don't wanna involve in get in all the drama, right? If the child brings up something like, why doesn't daddy X, Y, z? Why is mommy talk like this? Speaker 1: (02:39) Whatever The thing is that as they bring things up, it's important to respond in a very factual, emotionless way and say, you know, not everyone has the kindness and not everyone has the compassion that you and I do. While they don't have it, they do love you. They're, you know, if it's something about how they're treating the child and if it's abusive, obviously you wanna go to the authorities, but just, you know, if there's a disconnect or if they're dismissive of their feelings, things that they can't lose custody over but can still sting, you can just say, you know, they may not have compassion the way that you and I do and it means nothing about you. It's so important to let them know it has nothing to do with you and it's a them problem, you know, so be, again, very careful walking that fine line of trash talking versus simply explaining in a logical, very simple kind of flat, emotionless way, which can be hard. Speaker 1: (03:42) So you might need to take a breath and say, you'll explain later. If it's in the middle of something or you're having, you know, sympathy, empathy for your child and your emotions are coming up, you are allowed to say, okay, you know, let's talk about this in a couple hours, da da da. And kind of if you have to decompress or whatever before you address it, because it's very important to not pull your emotions into it if possible. These kids go through enough with a narcissist as a parent. Number two is not to take it personally, and this is something even with my own parents, they were divorced and you know, it was, my dad was like the fun parent. He was the every other weekend, gave me McDonald's, maybe took me fun places. My mom was the disciplinarian, the one who was working crazy hours trying to just feed us and keep the lights on. Speaker 1: (04:35) And there was a lot of background stuff I had no idea was going on that, you know, my dad was doing. And I wouldn't know that till adulthood in the last episode I mentioned, um, my mom did not trash talk and wanted to keep things separate for us, which I so appreciate. So it can be hard to not take things personally like, you know, I found a note once from my childhood. It was a picture of me and my dad and my brother, and it said, I love dad more. He takes me to McDonald's, right? And you may be familiar with that. If you are with a narcissist, they can be awful, but they can also be very charming. They can be very fun and sometimes they don't have to be a narcissist to do those things. It's just they're trying to make up for the time that they're not around. Speaker 1: (05:18) So we have to not take these personally as the parent that is more of the disciplinarian. You know, the one who has to be a little more serious and make sure things are rolling smoothly. When the children respond to a narcissistic parent first they could be in fear of that parent. Or like I said, that parent may put on the fun face and be the fun parent and try not to take it personally because it's not. It's your child trying to connect to both parents and that's absolutely normal as a child, right? You want to have the two parents in your life be very stable and you want that, that connection. You want to feel loved if they have a narcissistic parent. It's very common that that narcissistic parent, though they may be fun still may make the child feel not important or valued. Many times it could be the bulk of the time, but they still, you know, make it fun. Speaker 1: (06:14) But that child will still be seeking something. They're not getting filled by the parent. So they're seeking their approval and they want, they like desperately wanna connect because the narcissist makes it hard to connect. Whereas you, the healthy parent, you don't make it hard to connect, it's easy. They know they have you, right? So it's, they take you for granted. And this is, this is normal. That's childhood. Children are selfish by nature. Their brains don't fully develop till they're like 26. So we got a while , we got a while till they really get it and even maybe till their parents themselves. So alongside of it just being hard to parent children because they can be selfish. If you have a narcissist in the picture, it can be easy to be like, you know, well, why do they gravitate toward them or why do they see nice things in them when they're so horrible? Speaker 1: (07:09) It's just unfortunately part of the package and really try hard to not take it personally. I am telling you, eventually the child sees the narcissistic parent for what they are. It may take a year, it may take decades. We don't, it just depends on the child, the situation. But eventually the children will see the truth and as their adults get to make their own decisions and what they do with that relationship, this may seem obvious, but I gotta throw it in there. Watch for signs of abuse. Look for anything that crosses the line. Physical, sexual, emotional abuse, anything. If you see any signs immediately report it to the authorities. Keep your child away and of course, document everything. Always document everything. I can't say that enough. That should be my tagline in my show. Document everything, all right, last, be a healthy parent. We're not gonna be perfect, right? Speaker 1: (08:05) We're just not. No one's perfect, no one's a hundred percent healthy. We all have our faults, but you can't choose how your partner parents, your child, but you can offset it with healthy parenting. So be a good role model. Coach your child through the rough patches. The antidote to your partner's narcissism is acceptance, stability, uplifting comments, and unconditional love. We don't need to flip to the other extreme of letting the child take over the house and letting guilt kind of guide our decisions and spoiling our children rotten. That can be damaging too, right? But there is a balance and you are going to have to compensate for the damage that they can do on the children. And that is, it's part of what, what we're signing up for here as co-parenting. This is probably not what you expected out of life, but here we are. Speaker 1: (09:02) So we have to manage it the best way we can. And you're the person, you're here. So obviously you're the healthier person looking to do better and be better and grow and thrive and you want your children to do the same. So you have to really not get sucked into the drama, not get sucked into the emotions, especially around your children, right? If you need a moment to cry or punch a pillow, go do the thing. But not in front of your kids. Don't talk about the situation to your girlfriend at volume 11 on the phone in the kitchen when your kid is right there in the living room next to you, kids hear everything. Let this be a reminder. So save those conversations for your private hour. I don't know what that is. That sounds, that sounds like a whole other podcast, but you know what I mean. Speaker 1: (09:49) When you have time without your child where they cannot hear you, they are not an earshot, then you have those conversations. So that is also healthy parenting kids only need one healthy parent. That's my view. Honestly. I think they need one healthy role model in their life. It's great to have obviously healthy friends and family to help support and be there to lean on for you and your child, of course. But I have seen amazing children come out of one parent households, very, very healthy children and many kids don't even get that, right? There are families that have two parents that are really messed up. So I know sometimes it feels lonely as the only healthy parent, but know that it's good enough. You are good enough. Be that healthy role model so they have a chance because that narc parent, it's not an easy road, but you are there to compensate for it and you're doing a great job and none of this is easy, but it's doable. Speaker 1: (11:00) And then we have to take care of our mind and body with, you know, all my other episodes going into rebalancing your nervous system, all that stuff is really important too. So make sure while you're going through this, you're also taking care of yourself. All right, so remember, you are amazing. You are beautiful. You are a queen co-parent. Check that out, okay? You're a queen co-parent now. See you soon. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade, fun.

*Top 5% in podcasts globally

Does trying to co-parent with a toxic person drive you up the wall and you feel like you don't know how much more you can take? In today's episode I discuss what NOT to do when co-parenting with a narcissist.

Mentioned Episode:

The Grey Rock Method:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-5-how-to-handle-narcissistic-abusers-the-grey-rock/id1662241353?i=1000594909977

Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!

My 4 MINUTE meditation:

https://christyjade.ck.page/insider

EMAIL ME TO FILL THE LAST SPOT in my coaching for limited pricing of $50 (normal price $200): fiercemamac@gmail.com

Join my free facebook group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?! My client's fav meditation I created:

https://christyjade.podia.com/4minutemeditation

WORK WITH ME:

https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching

Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?

Grab my E-Course here:

https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse

And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 

https://www.christyjade.com/

Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!

fiercemamac@gmail.com  

Let's connect on social media!

https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/

https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy

After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

Transcript

Speaker 1: (00:00) Look, being a parent is hard enough, but when you have to co-parent with a narcissist, ooh, mm-hmm. , it is downright impossible. Rather than being selfless about parenting, co-parenting with a narcissist means both parents have to take responsibility for themselves and their child's wellbeing. And while we know this is nearly impossible for narcissist, it's not for you. Lucky you, your child's wellness falls basically on you as the healthy parent. But good news, you got this. Stay tuned for five things not to do when co-parenting with a narcissist. Speaker 1: (00:40) Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind f girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (02:02) So it seems like you cannot co-parent with a narcissist, let me be frank. It just seems that way. And technically you cannot totally win in co-parenting with a narcissist, but you can manage it a lot better and learn the ways to deal with them so that you can raise the healthiest child possible and try to keep yourself healthy as well. So before we dive into what not to do, we're gonna talk a little about the things that they will be doing as narcissistic co-parents. Okay? So, so you can be prepared if you're not already in the weeds with them, or you can validate your own suspicions now. So there are some things they'll do. They will try to manipulate you. They will try to make you feel guilty. Any chance they get, they will try to make you feel sorry for them. Pull on the old heartstrings. Speaker 1: (02:52) They may try to make you feel like they are the victim. Actually, usually they will, let's be honest. And they will try to triangulate and use other people, including your own children. Hopefully not, but they may against you. So these are things to be aware of, and as always, they will never stop trying to gain control of you, your child or any situation. And that is in the last couple of episodes, cover a lot of that whole control situation and why they do that, all of that stuff. So let's dive into what not to do. Number one, this is one of my top suggestions. Don't take the bait. Don't argue. They make it very hard to win an argument. They often talk in circles to confuse you and overwhelm you, make you think you're crazy, keep your answers clear and short without emotion. Again, the last couple of episodes we go dig really deeper into that. Speaker 1: (03:52) So don't explain yourself or give too much information. This is also called the Gray Rock Method, and that is another previous episode I will link below in the show notes. It's all about Gray rock method and how you can do that. Number two, do not be afraid of them. Okay, I'm gonna put a little side note, of course, if they are dangerous, um, violent, financially abusing you, all of that, I hope you're already in touch with the authorities and attorneys. You need to be. This is kind of just in general with narcissists where they want you to be afraid of them because they're gonna take the power. The thing is, you don't have to be afraid of them. If you can take your control back, and this whole podcast is a lot of that taking your power back, right? In general, all of my episodes, so narcissists love when people are afraid of them as it fills their power bucket. Speaker 1: (04:44) Well f that, mm-hmm. no time for that. But there is no reason to fear them. If you keep control and stay in your truth, you know the truth, get out of your emotions and really just keep it down to the basics and you will have a lot easier of a time staying in control and not feeling like they have the control, which is where the fear comes, right? When they have the control over you, over your emotions, over situations. Number three, don't have conversations on the phone. Document everything via email or they have these nice new fancy apps. Now f specifically for co-parenting, and this is so important, I thank God I did it in my situation for two reasons. One, they tend to behave better when it's in writing because it can be used against them in court if you show it to somebody, right? Speaker 1: (05:39) So if they are forced to only be able to communicate via email or app in written form, I think you're gonna be a lot better off. Sometimes when they are in the heat of the moment, they may still pop off on email. And I have a client of mine where she actually gained custody because her ex couldn't control himself and on email wrote something, a big threat literally where he lost custody of the child completely. So that's why I feel like it's, I'm so passionate about getting everything in writing in general in life. I come from a family of lawyers, so we're big on having stuff written down. Also, number two, with this, you can look back and remind yourself very easily if you have it in writing about how awful they are when they're trying to guilt you or pull you in your heartstrings. Speaker 1: (06:30) Um, with one of my exes, I literally starred emails that he had written that were nasty because I had a struggle with, you know, with breaking up and disconnecting. You sometimes remember the good or they come back and try to pull on your heartstrings. They come crying, I got poetry, I got love letters, I got chocolate chip cookies, right? So I would go back to those starred emails to remind myself, it's like proof and a reminder that they are abusive and putting on a show, right? When they're acting like that, the true self is the abusive self. There are co-parenting apps out there. Like I said, ask your attorney for more information on which one, I don't know. I didn't use the apps. Um, so I don't know specifically what they, you know which ones are the best. Um, so you can definitely ask your attorney or you know, there's divorce groups out there that co-parenting groups, stuff like that. Speaker 1: (07:22) You can get more information. Number four, don't try to control everything. Unfortunately, you can only control what's going on in your home with your children. If your children are safe, fed and happy when they come home from your exes, you're doing okay, right? If they are not document everything, take it to your attorney and authorities. If your child is in any danger emotionally or physically, I would say a lot of states, um, they're all about the child and they want the child to be healthy and happy and safe. So if there is proof of otherwise, that's why I say get everything in writing. You don't know. It's almost like a build upon, right? You stack things together to get more and more proof to build your case. If you are trying to get custody at any point, like full custody, if their, their parent is safe and they're just a narcissistic, selfish person who manipulates, will that hold up in court? Speaker 1: (08:19) Probably not. It takes more than that unfortunately. Um, and all you can do is be the healthy parent and role model and you know, we'll do the next episode, we'll go a little deeper into how to protect your kids. So, um, we'll cover more of that there. We'll go to the next. Here we go. Don't use your child, okay? Your partner may use your child to get what they want. They might even have them report back on private information you may have shared with them. You may be tempted to do it too, but it is really best not to. So don't lower to your ex's behavior. Be the healthy parent. If you wanna raise a healthy child, I will say my mom could have truly smeared my father's name. I'm not saying my father's a narcissist, I'm just saying they had an ugly marriage and divorce, but I did not even know that she did a great job of keeping that separate. Speaker 1: (09:15) And as an adult, the more I found out, as, you know, as an older adult, she opened up more about things because she felt it was okay at that point, which I agree. Um, but she did not drag me and my brother into the drama. And I'm sure it was hard not to, to see us, you know, uh, looking at this person who really hurt her as this great person and, and she probably felt jealous or like she really wanted to tell truth to us that she felt were important and she couldn't. And I do think that's important because it's hard enough being a kid going through divorce. Like you don't need to be dragged into the drama of it. So it can be tempting, but don't do it. Remember, they're just kids. Let's keep the innocence alive for as long as we can, right? Speaker 1: (10:04) So to recap, do not get sucked into arguing with them. Do not be afraid of them. Although if you're in danger, again, good reason to be afraid, go to the authorities, only speak with them via email or a co-parenting app and release control as long as your children are safe. And never get your child involved and avoid the trash. Talk about your narc. I know it's tough. I get it. I love a good trash. Talk about a narc. They're awful. Okay? It's hard, but it's also damaging to your child. And as a child of a narc, they will have a challenging journey as it is. Can I get a what? What? Yeah. So I'll be addressing this in the next week's episode, so be sure to subscribe so you get notified when a pop out on the episodes. And I will talk to you soon. Speaker 1: (10:50) By the way, don't forget, okay? You are amazing. You are extremely gorgeous. If nobody's told you lately and you are very, very worthy of a beautiful life and you deserve some pink sprinkled donuts, if you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade, fun.

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It drove me nuts not understanding why narcissists did what they did. Then I figured out and it changed the game! Listen to this week's episode to find out the one reason they do what they do!

Mentioned Episode:

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After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1: (00:00) I have had so many clients say, why do they do this? Why do they do this? The surprisingly simple answer is coming up very shortly, Speaker 1: (00:13) Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.Com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:34) Part of what blew my mind and confused me for so long was not knowing why narcissists behaved the way they did. Was it just something I was doing that caused it? Were they just evil? Were they afraid of rejection? Was it one of those weird self-sabotage things? What was it? After my own experience, education and research, I found out that there's one, one answer and when I unpacked it, it changed everything. I started understanding every single conversation we had, every request they demanded every angry outburst and found real relief that it was never about me doing anything wrong. What was it about drum roll? It was all about control. There are literally two things a narcissist is doing in any conversation with you, especially one with conflict, which let's be honest, that can be majority of the conversation they are trying to gain or keep control of you or the situation or both. Speaker 1: (02:42) Or if you're finally standing up for yourself or even getting to the point you are ready to leave or gone, they are then checking to see if they still have control. Let's give a couple examples. There's like the blatant control threats to control you. Like if you leave the house looking like that, I will not be here when you get back. Hmm, something like that. Sound familiar? Then there's the less obvious control maybe in the form of a guilt trip. Like, well, everyone's girlfriend will be there. I know you have a big test tomorrow, but if you are really supportive, you would come, you would support me, right? Or like I said, after the fact or when you are, you know, setting boundaries with them, testing to see if they still have control and man, do they freak out if they don't? Um, an example of that is, let's say you're disconnecting, they will send you something they know you will have trouble resisting. Speaker 1: (03:40) Like your old song, let's say it's an ex your old wedding song or a funny meme that they know you'll think is hilarious, right? And those little things that you may think are like, oh, he cares, he's thoughtful. He knows I would like that. Yeah, he does know and he is using it against you to gain control or checking if they have control. So they might check first, and if they don't, they might come on even stronger to gain, regain that control. One of my exes would send me random texts even a year after we broke up with things like, Hey, just reminiscing about our trip to Mexico. Speaking of which, I still have that shirt that I got you there. Do you wanna come get it? Okay. That's all about control and seeing if he still quote had me, he did not, spoiler alert, , I did not take the bait. Speaker 1: (04:34) And he then would come on stronger, right? That's when you have to really disconnect, block whatever you gotta do. You probably know the deal. You're probably familiar with some of these actions. You know the cycle, but now you know the reason to that. It's all about control. Again, I will repeat it. It is trying to gain or keep control of you or the situation or checking to see if they still have control. So what is the key? Don't let them have that control . But knowing that every single action out of narcissist is basically seeking or trying to maintain control helped me a lot to react with less emotion. It was like I figured out this puzzle piece that made everything make more sense and gave me more peace. I would ask myself, are they trying to gain control? Yes. Well, I'm not gonna give them that control. Speaker 1: (05:27) I, it just got very almost like logical and tactical and kind of took some of the emotion out of it. If you haven't listened to episode 14, you can go check that out and listen to the ways to navigate a conversation with them effectively, and so you can stay in control. I'll link that in the show notes, a k a podcast description, and that wraps this episode up. This week's homework You ask, take a sigh of relief , knowing why they do what they do, and listen to that episode to navigate those dreaded conversations. But as always, if you can avoid a narcissist, that is always my number one recommendation, the no contact method. So you are beautiful. We know this, you're worthy and you are in control. So go slay this, stay queen. See you in the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.Com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christie Jade, fun.

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Squash those negative thoughts that abuse has caused! These thoughts are BS, and we have no time for them! Let's replace them and build ourselves up!

RELATED LINKS:

Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!

My 4 MINUTE meditation:

https://christyjade.ck.page/insider

EMAIL ME TO FILL THE LAST SPOT in my coaching for limited pricing of $50 (normal price $200): fiercemamac@gmail.com

Join my free facebook group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?! My client's fav meditation I created:

https://christyjade.podia.com/4minutemeditation

WORK WITH ME:

https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching

Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?

Grab my E-Course here:

https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse

And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 

https://www.christyjade.com/

Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!

fiercemamac@gmail.com  

Let's connect on social media!

https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/

https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy

After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1: (00:00) After abuse, you may notice that you have negative thoughts about yourself. You might believe you're not good enough or you can't trust anyone. The good news is it's possible to stop these negative thoughts after abuse, but it takes work and patience. In today's episode, we'll talk about how to recognize those negative self-perceptions and what you can do about them. Speaker 1: (00:22) Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind f-Ed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find alt fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:43) First of all, I want you to repeat after me. That's not my. If you don't wanna say, say stuff, but not your. Do not let the abuser define who you are. You are so much more than the negative comments and actions of this abuser, and it's important for you to remember this. Instead of focusing on the abuser's, negative comments and actions, focus on yourself. Look at what you have achieved in life so far, the good things about you, and how far along the road to recovery from abuse has taken you. Even if you're kind of baby stepping out, you are getting onto the other side of that abuse, right? It's important not only for your mental health, but also for your self-esteem. Number two, write down those negative thoughts. If you've been following me a while, you know I love to write down feelings, so write them down. Speaker 1: (02:32) It's important to identify what your negative thoughts are first and how they can impact you. So when you write them down, it gives you an opportunity to really think about them in detail. You may be surprised at how often these negative thoughts actually pop up in that little brain of yours. I mean, big brain, you got a big beautiful brain. So write down the positive counter-argument. This is one of my favorite things to do with my clients when we're working through the earlier stuff and getting through these thoughts, is reversing this damage that has been done reversing these thoughts that someone else put in your head that are not true. We are going to get to the truth, right? You don't feel worthy because someone else said that. It's not because it's true. So take for example, you feel worthless. Try writing out an alternative viewpoint on the same topic. Speaker 1: (03:22) I am valuable. This will help shift your perspective and provide some balance in your life by reminding you of all the good things about yourself instead of focusing on this be us that someone else put in your brain and someone else tried to make you believe for their own narrative, their own life, their own. Again, that's not your, okay? So once you've written that down and you've turned it around, you can keep this handy nearby. Look at it. Maybe you wanna do one or two to start and just kind of start reminding yourself and replacing those negative thoughts is actually does work over time. It can take practice. That's where we say it's work. Yeah, it's work, it's practice, whatever you wanna call it. And it is a form of self-care, right? Number three, practicing good self-care. Woohoo. I'm the queen of self-care. Speaker 1: (04:13) I love it. First, find time to be alone. It's great to go out with your friends, with your family, people that lift you up. That's great, but you do need time alone to do your own work. You know that inside work that you can't really do when you have a lot of distractions. So take time to relax, unwind, meditate, do yoga, take a bath, things that you enjoy, going for a walk, reading a book. Write down even a list of things. So when you have some free time, when you've carved that out for yourself, make sure you carve it out every week. You can even go to your list and say what sounds really good? Write about. Now, if you follow me on Instagram, you know one of my favorite things to do is dance. I haven't danced as much lately, but we need to. Speaker 1: (04:53) We need to do some more dancing. I did do one this week, so if you're not following me on Instagram, by the way, go find me Fierce Christy Jade , and say hello. Alright, let's get to the next one, which is number four. Don't compare yourself to other people and don't beat yourself up. Sometimes when we're on this journey after abuse, we can compare ourselves to people in other situations and it's just kind of a useless thing. No person is on the same path, okay? Everybody has a different story. Everybody has a different timeline and trying to match someone else's timeline or their life in ways or wishing this or wanting that, we've just gotta let that go. We are on our own timeline. All you can do is learn from what you've gone through and apply what you learn your, you know, tools like this, getting support, anything you can do to help put your life in a different direction and learn from the past, but don't beat yourself up about the past either. Speaker 1: (05:54) It's gone, the past is gone. It has molded you who you are. I'm a big advocate of actually having pride, not in my pain, but in what I do with that pain, with that experience. Now, I would not be where I am today without what I have gone through. Was it like on my top 10 of how I wanna live my life? Maybe not right, but it is what it is. It happened. Some of it was devastating, some of it was horrible. But I would not be where I am today if I did not go through that. I wouldn't appreciate things the same way I do now, and I wouldn't be helping the people I am today. So I am a big advocate of not really looking at and trying to regret or beat myself up over decisions I made. Or why was I so weak? Speaker 1: (06:44) I couldn't get out of this like earlier than I did. Let's bs. Let's stop it. Okay? Life is too short for that. That's, that goes in that whole negative self-talk bin. We need to trash it and reverse it, shrimper and reverse it. Remember that , I don't know the the lyrics and I don't think you do either. Okay, let's move on. Number five is very important to me and has helped me a lot in my journey, and that is surrounding yourself with uplifting people. Bottom line, other people's energy affects our own energy. Can I get a what? What? You know exactly what I'm talking about, right? There's some people that when you're around them, you feel like you are on the top of the world and it's not inconsistent, right? Like, I mean, we could go down that narc path. Sometimes you could feel on top of the world with them, but then they will drop you real low. Speaker 1: (07:36) So that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about people who are just joyful people, peaceful people. They're not into all the drama. They just, they might, you know, everyone has their days, but in general, they're consistently a joy to be around and we gravitate toward them for a reason, right? Same goes for the opposite. There are people that are draining and will suck your energy and will use you and we'll take advantage of you. And even if they're not intentionally doing it, they'll use you as a dumping ground for just all their drama or their negativity and their complaining and their gossip. You don't need that in your life, especially after abuse. Never really, okay? Let's be honest. But especially when you have gone through something yourself and you are looking for peace, ask yourself, is this person in alignment for me in my journey to peace? Speaker 1: (08:26) Are they adding peace to my life? Are they adding joy or are they just sucking my energy, which is y? You probably don't have that energy to give, let's be honest, right? So surround yourselves, even if it's only a couple of close friends that you have, it's important to surround yourselves with happiness and peace and calm. People who talk about exciting things and life and activities and growth. Maybe they're doing their little self-growth themselves, right? Not people who talk about other people in dramatic situations. That's how it feels inside, right? We don't like that. So don't take on all this negative energy that you just have no business taking on right now. And if you don't have those people, go find them. Get yourself out there. I know you're doing all this healing work and everything, but it is a really nice thing to have a support system. Speaker 1: (09:18) You can always look on like Facebook groups or meetup.com. There's all sorts of resources. You can always reach out to me, I can help you out finding those things. I love doing that sort of thing. You can always email me in all my information is down in the show notes, aka the podcast description. Also, don't forget, I have one more spot open. So if you want an hour long phone call with a two week blueprint to piece that we can work on, I'm working on a framework for a course I'm doing, so I'm taking on a few clients right now at a very discounted price. So it's $50 instead of my normal 200 for this. So if you are interested, email me. I have one more spot left fierce mama, M A m A c gmail.com. Or you can find ways to connect with me in my show notes. Speaker 1: (10:07) But yes, I would love to, I'm gonna try to tie that up this week. So reach out if you are interested like asap so we can get going and I would love to help you. So to wrap this up, these mofos did some damage to your brain, okay? It is not irreversible, it is not going to identify you. We're not gonna let it. Okay? So number one, what are we gonna do to help focusing on yourself and remembering this is their, okay? This is their stuff. You write those negative thoughts down. That's number two. Write them down, turn them around. Woo, can make a song out of it. Number three, practice your good old self-care. Number four, don't compare yourself to other people. Give yourself grace for the past. And number five, surround yourself with positive mofos instead of negative mofos. You know what I mean? Speaker 1: (10:58) We need some cheerleaders around us right now. All right, so, so be comforted in the fact it's possible to stop the negative thoughts, but it may take a little time, a little practice like I said, but it's okay to have these negative thoughts. It's totally normal to have this after abuse. So if you're like, why can't I stop thinking because you have had a narcissist. Who are the worst people in the world that can scramble your brains up real good, but we are gonna unscramble them, okay? So between the self-care of meditation, yoga, and the rewriting of these negative thoughts, flipping them into positives, you can start to rewire your brain and your nervous system. Again, it takes time and there are more ways. So if you work with me, like you grab one of those calls, we can work on more customized ways and we will do that. Speaker 1: (11:44) I love doing that with my clients. So know that there is a way to stop these thoughts. I know they can get obsessive and overwhelming. So breathe, and part of, for me, part of knowing there is going to be a way out with something that helped me with having faith and seeing someone else on the other side. So I'm here to tell you, I'm on the other side. Is life perfect with no hiccups? No, but I can't tell you the amount of growth I had in actually a pretty quick time. So if you're willing to put the effort in and get support, it's a lot quicker, . So I will see you in the next episode, and as always, don't forget how wonderful you are. You deserve to be loved. You didn't deserve what happened to you. You are stepping up and healing and it's a beautiful thing. I'm so proud of you. Talk to you soon. Smooches and dos. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com, and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade fun.

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Abuse can wreck your motivation during and even after! The 5 second rule helped me and helps many. Here is how to use it in general, and specifically after you have gone through narcissistic abuse.

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And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 

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After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

 

Speaker 1: (00:00) , is your motivation non-existent after years of abuse? Do you have ideas of who you wanna be but feel paralyzed to start, stay tuned for a trick I learned years ago that helped me drag my big old butt out of bed and finally be the person I wanted to be. Speaker 1: (00:18) Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me. Whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:39) After disconnecting from a narcissist, the damage does not end. I felt such confusing emotions and was so overwhelmed that I had no motivation in my body. I literally felt paralyzed to make decisions to get my butt out of bed to the gym, or to put myself out there in relationships. One quote I heard that supports this trick I'm about to share is better done than perfect. This has helped me so much in my journey due to lack of confidence from abuse. I question and still do at times myself all the time. Back then also, depression is a thing and it can come immediately after disconnecting from narcissist. I mean, if you're already not down in the dumps, disconnect from one and it does. It does not help the situation other than getting away from them. But the depression can get worse and just the feeling of chaos in your mind can can be worse. Speaker 1: (02:35) So that will impact the motivation you have in your everyday life, right? So after I disconnected from monarchy, I landed upon motivational speaker and author Mel Robbins. If you don't know her, she's amazing. Go check her out. And she is known for this five second rule. It is simple but effective in a nutshell. Here it is. In her own words. If you have an instinct to act on a goal, you must physically move within five seconds or your brain will kill it. So you start counting backwards to yourself from five. So it's obviously 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. As soon as you hit one, you have to physically push yourself to move. You have to take physical action as you count down from five to one, you'll be distracting your brain from coming up with all the reasons why you either should do something else. If it's like you're gonna go to the gym or you're gonna go eat that healthy salad or whatever. Speaker 1: (03:33) Or in a lot of my case, it was just getting out of my head, right? And physically getting up and getting out of that cycle helped. So I would sometimes take it a step further. If you're really ruminating, get out of the room you're in, even start to clean, get out of the house, pick up the phone, call a friend, but physically do something in another space. Also, counting down from five to one is a starting ritual. It will interrupt old behavior patterns and trigger new ones. So the more you do this, the easier it becomes, right? So it can take a while to retrain the brain in general, but the more you do it, the easier getting motivated becomes. And if all goes well over time, you won't need to countdown. You will have enough experience to have rewritten your pattern of whatever it is, the blocks, the letting the thoughts take over and paralyzing you. Speaker 1: (04:29) And we don't wanna be paralyzed. We don't want our brains to be paralyzed. We have a big life to live. We wanna thrive, right? That's the name of the show. We gotta thrive. So write down, better done than perfect. And five second rule on piece of paper, a post-it, whatever, slap it on your mirror. I want you have post-its all over that Say this until you get it and go get or done. So don't forget, you deserve love. You are beautiful, and you deserve to be treated like a queen. Can I get a namen? Say it. I didn't hear you. Amen. All righty, see you in the next episode. If you are not subscribed, go hit the subscribe button so you can catch me next time. Smooches and deuces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com, and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, aka the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade Fun.

Is your brain still stuck in survival mode after narcissistic abuse? 👑 In this episode, I’m breaking down how abuse secretly rewires your brain — and how you can start healing it today. Plus, grab my free affirmation list and check out the links for somatic healing sessions and private recovery coaching if you're ready to go deeper. Healing is possible, Queen — and it starts now. 💖

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https://christyjade.ck.page/insider   Grab your #notmyshit Journal on Amazon https://amzn.to/46dDSYk   Speaker 1 (00:00):

Hello Queens and welcome back to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery with Christy Jade. Today we're diving into something that literally changes everything once you know it. The hidden ways narcissistic abuse rewires your brain and how to heal it because what fun is it if we don't fix it, right? So if you've ever wondered why you sometimes feel stuck, scared, or even addicted to toxic patterns, it's not just in your head, well, it's actually in your head, in your brain wiring, and today I'm breaking it all down in a way that is hopefully empowering, not overwhelming. Let's jump in.

(00:42) Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear. Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice, and had a come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up.

(01:40) So first, quick brain science 1 0 1. Our brains are constantly adapting. It's called neuroplasticity. And when we go through narcissistic abuse, especially over long periods, our brain adapts, but it's in this survival mode way, right? Well ways. So here's what that can often look like. This first one I knew I always had, but I really didn't understand why until I really did my own education and research and really dove into the narcissistic world. But hyper vigilance, this is always scanning for danger. Even subconsciously, you may not even notice you do it because if you kind of had this going on since childhood, then that's something that may have mostly been there because you've always been doing it. So you really don't know any different. But subconsciously you are always scanning for something to go wrong even when you're safe now. And even if this isn't just in emotional relationship wise, it can go into other parts of your life.

(02:59) You can even be in a parking lot and be really looking around and anxious thinking that something's going to happen because of a totally unrelated situation. But you have that hypervigilance that just bleeds into all areas of your life, which is what did happen to me. So I'm very familiar with that one, and you may be too. Another one is people pleasing and fawning. So this is a very common one with a lot of my clients. I myself was not a people pleaser in general, but with certain, I would say in my family, I people pleased in a lot of situations due to this. So your brain has learned to be agreeable to keep you safer, right? Because if you are in a narcissistic, abusive situation, you get manipulated, you get gaslit, you get tricked, you get mind ed, whatever you want to call it.

(04:01) So your brain wants to protect itself and it knows if you are not agreeable, you can get hurt, and that could be emotionally, physically, in whatever ways. So your brain's trying to keep you safe. Then there's the self-doubt and the gaslighting loops. And this one is what drives us batty, right? It has driven us. If you've been through narcissistic abuse specifically or you're wondering if you are, this is a good sign, right? With narcissists, there is no doubt you have been gaslit. So you start to question your own instincts and memories while you're in the situation. And even if you are out of the situation for years, that can still definitely be there if you have not healed it and done the work, right? So you question your own thoughts, your own feelings. Did that even happen that way? Because that's kind of how your brain was trained.

(05:03) And the last one we're going to talk about today is the addiction to validation. And I just know everyone basically listening right here can really relate to this. You chase these crumbs of approval because your brain was trained to seek safety through what those external love bombs. So you're chasing these little crumbs because it feels a lot better when you finally get those love bombs. It's like this weird addiction to saying, oh, okay, I am safe in this moment. In between the unsafe moments, we become addicted to the love bombs, to the feeling special, to all the manipulation. So none of this is your fault. I want to throw that out there. So can you just take a moment and breathe? Take a nice breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. This is not your fault, none of this. Your brain was trying to protect you because something was happening bad to you.

(06:22) You did not do this. This is not your fault. But the beautiful part is if it rewired once, right? This has been wired, all of this, it can rewire again. So a lot of people think, oh, the damage is done, this is done. No, we can rewire this in your favor. So now to the good start, the good start, the good stuff, how to start healing and rewire your brain. So the good news is the neuroplasticity is not just how the damage happened. Like I said, it's how you heal too. So what has been done can be undone. So I'm excited about that part. Yay, we love that. And I am proof. I have had a lot of rewiring done. It is amazing. And I remember in the beginning kind of being skeptical and I think it even works faster the more you agree to believe from the get go.

(07:26) So maybe you can move faster than I did, but I still move pretty quickly with my rewiring. So we're going to talk about four powerful ways to start healing and retraining that beautiful queen brain of yours. Alright? Number one is, if you don't know if you are new here, I am a somatic healing facilitator. So this is one of my favorite things in the world, somatic work. This is getting out of your head and into your body. I want any time, first, I'm just going to throw this before I go into it, throw this in there. If you could take anything from this podcast episode, when you are feeling stressed out, anxiety, questioning yourself, looking over your shoulder, waiting for that shoe to drop any of these outcomes of being abused, I want you to think to yourself, get out of your head and into your body.

(08:24) Get out of your head and into your body. This is crucial, and I'm just saying that as a little tip, but the big work is deeper work, right? It's ongoing work. It's really creating and carving out the time to do this work, this somatic work. So this can be breath work, this can be grounding, this can be meditation, visualizations. I teach in yoga. That's a great way too. Shaking it out. Screaming into a pillow is literally somatic work that can be done. And all of this getting out of your head and into your body sends an I am safe message to your nervous system, okay? It is sending your nervous system a message. It is getting closer to safety. It might take some time. The first time you do breath work, you're not going to be magically healed. That's just not how it works. Rewiring can take some time, but it does not have to take as much time as you probably think.

(09:32) So I actually offer personalized somatic healing sessions if you want deeper support. They are magical. I have plenty of very happy clients and testimonials if you want, but I will link my somatic sessions. I call 'em sparkle sessions in the description box so you can check that out and see if that's an option for you. Alright, going into the next one, affirmations and new dialogue. It's a similar thing as far as the repetition part of it, right? The brain listens to repetition. That's why daily affirmations, and I did these in the beginning. I still do daily affirmations, but I did a long list of them and I did them very frequently in the beginning. And you don't have to overwhelm yourself, but I definitely recommend when you wake up and right before you go to sleep. And what I did in the beginning was recorded myself on my voice memos on my phone.

(10:35) I recorded, it was about, I think then I think it was 20 minutes. It was a long one, and you don't have to do that. If that overwhelms, you start with a 10 minute one and you can build up if you want, if you want. But mine was, I really dove in and I did a 20 minute affirmation. I have a list of affirmations actually that I can also link. It's free that you can start using or you can create your own. I'll put that in the description box. But daily affirmations are one of the most powerful healing tools. You've probably heard about them because it's cliche, but I always say, well, cliches are cliche for a reason because they work. So I really, really highly recommend daily affirmations. Like I said, in the morning when you wake up and right before bed is when your brain is most open to receiving and rewiring.

(11:33) So it's a beautiful time. Also, if you do hypnotherapy, which I am going to try for the first time, I'm doing hypnotherapy and a couple of weeks and I am so excited, I will report back. I will do an episode about it. Actually, maybe I can interview her on here. Oh, that would be fun. So squirrel. I have a squirrel brain, you guys, okay, keep up with me. So affirmations, new dialogue, and really doing those when your brain is most open, but you can do 'em. I set timers even for myself at lunchtime and then like an afternoon one, and I do prayer and affirmations. Boom, boom. Shakalaka. Let's go to number three. My favorite word in the world, what is it? Boundaries. Boundaries as healing tools. Ironically, I did not set it up this way. I also have a boundaries course for you guys.

(12:30) It's like every one of these lines up with what I have as far as offers. That's cool. I did not plan it. It sounds like I did. But every boundary you hold reinforces to your brain. It's saying, I am safe. I am protecting myself. Now here's the news, fresh, no one's going to protect us. We protect ourselves, but you have to protect yourself. That's the key there, right? That's something that, I know it sounds silly and I'm kind of laughing at myself saying it because it sounds silly, but that is a truth and it's an unfortunate truth. But really, people aren't going to protect us like we protect ourselves.

(13:17) And especially if you have a history of abuse, you may not trust anyone too at this point anyway, right? It's great to trust people, but you might not be there and that's okay. So your best way to protect your peace, that gold bubble, we like to talk about that golden peace bubble pictured around you. I love her. Okay? That's your boundary bubble, and that's how you keep yourself safe. And in turn, you keep your family safe, your kids safe. It is a domino effect. So every boundary, every time you set a new boundary, that golden bubble is getting stronger and stronger and more indestructible. God, I love boundaries. All right, number four, self validation, practice validation. We all need that. I mean, coming out of narcissistic abuse, that is a word I hear over and over. I want to feel validated. It's like you have been so invalidated going through what you've been through and even after, sometimes even when you're out of a situation, you still question yourself.

(14:30) So it's like, God, it feels so good to be validated, and it's great to get that external validation from someone like me, a coach, a narcissistic abuse coach cheering you on, validating you. That's great. A therapist is great. That really good BF of yours, that was like I told you to get out of that relationship and I'm going to validate the shit out of you. She's great too. But guess what? You have to validate your own feelings and experiences without waiting for others to agree. You got to get to that point and build your brain strength and resilience. And again, this might not be overnight, okay? Do not feel bad. Give yourself grace. Give yourself time. But you look in that mirror and you say you know the truth. You know what happened, your feelings are valid, your memory is correct. You could do affirmations with self validation, but that self validation, that is something when you get there, it's huge.

(15:39) It's a huge healing. So healing is not about doing everything perfectly, but it is about consistent tiny wins that stack up. I always say sparkle by sparkle, right? People say brick by brick, I prefer sparkles. And those rewired patterns, they become your new normal. And it's amazing. I can't tell you the difference in my life. I mean, even five years ago, you guys, I wish I could draw a visual of it because it is insane how it's affected my entire life where I didn't realize, I didn't realize how much it affected even my work, how it affected just how I view myself, friendships, motherhood. I mean, this stuff affects every part of us. So the more you heal, it's like this beautiful unlayering of a lotus flower petals. Yeah, I'm getting woo woo here, just layer after layer. It's like, oh my gosh, look at, and it happens quickly because like I said, you're healing one thing.

(17:05) It has that domino effect of healing where it's going into other parts and you're just like, oh my gosh, wow, this is, I start making more money. That's a true thing. I started making more money. I started just magnetizing a much more quality level of friends. I mean, it's a whole other episode I could do, but just when you shift and you get healthier, your life gets healthier all the way around. So I know it's kind of a side tangent because I'm a squirrel squirrel, but it will become your new normal and it will be a beautiful new normal. Okay, so what time is it? How long? 17 minutes. Let's do a little visualization, a real quick one. Okay. So if you're in a spot where you can close your eyes, close your eyes. If you are driving, just soak this in. Do not close your eyes.

(18:02) And do not get distracted by me. You could even turn me down or turn me off, or pause me because I don't want to distract you from driving. If you're in a place where you can be in the quiet, snuggle up with a little blinky, take some breaths, let's do a little visualization. Okay? So imagine a warm golden bubble surrounding your entire body, just this glowing golden light and a sphere around your whole body encompassing everything from your top of your head to your feet. Or if you're sitting down just wrapping around your spine, your legs, all the way under you, feel it seeping into every cell, breathing in, rewiring you with peace.

(19:06) Imagine that peace traveling all around you, that calm, neutralizing, and just calming everything down. Then imagine the power. Maybe you feel you've lost power. It's time for that power to come back, that power seeping through all of your cells and now a protection, a strength, traveling around that bubble through every cell of your body. You've got peace, power, protection. You are safe in this bubble. You are strong in this bubble, you are free. Breathe that truth in. You are safe, you are strong, you are free, and know you are healing. Even now, right in this moment, right in this one minute exercise, you are healing. Isn't that amazing?

(20:27) Okay, so that's it for today's episode. If this spoke to your heart, do not forget to follow the show. It's so important. Follow me, follow me. And if you could leave a quick review on Apple, it helps this message reach even more incredible women who deserve this healing too. So please take 30 seconds to go click the little five star. If you scroll down on my main page of my podcast, you scroll all the way down. I dunno if it's all the way down, but if you scroll down, you'll see five stars. Just click that fifth star because I deserve five stars. I mean, we just did a fun little thing. Come on. Come on. I'm Christie. I'm just kidding. And if you're ready to go deeper, I do offer private one-on-one narcissistic abuse recovery coaching. I have gotten questions recently. Is it actually me and not a team of coaches?

(21:17) Yes. I like to keep this intimate as long as I can. So I'm going to, and so yes, I work, I do some group coaching. So we can customize your healing journey together in that one-on-one coaching. And you can find all the info linked in the description box below. Remember, there's that also Empowered Boundaries course. There's affirmations. They're all the goods. So make sure to check out that. And there's a Facebook page, a private free Facebook group that you can join as well. So go check the description box out. And remember, healing is not just possible. It's inevitable when you keep showing up, right? It's that consistency. So keep showing up to my podcast. Keep showing up for yourself, sign up for somatic session, whatever it is, and until next time, protect your peace girl. Okay? Get in that bubble. You look so good in gold.

 

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Feeling like the damage is done and  not sure how or if you will ever get that sparkle back? On today's episode, I share 5 ways to build your confidence after the damage of abuse!

RELATED LINKS:

Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!

My 4 MINUTE meditation:

https://christyjade.ck.page/insider

Join my free facebook group here:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?! My client's fav meditation I created:

https://christyjade.podia.com/4minutemeditation

WORK WITH ME:

https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching

Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?

Grab my E-Course here:

https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse

And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 

https://www.christyjade.com/

Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!

fiercemamac@gmail.com  

Let's connect on social media!

https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/

https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy

After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

TRANSCRIPT:

Speaker 1: (00:00) Feeling like the damage is done and you have no idea how to get your sparkle back, or maybe you never had a chance to sparkle, then this episode is for you. I will give you five ways to rebuild your confidence after any kind of abuse. Speaker 1: (00:17) Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'mChristy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:37) All right, so today we're talking about confidence. I have an interesting relationship to confidence. Maybe some of you can relate to this. I was a class clown. I was energetic. I'm loud, I'm outgoing. And I think a lot of people take that as like, oh, she's so confident, right? I will tell you this, I had very low self-esteem in many parts of my life. Maybe not every single one, but many parts of my life growing up. And that can often be a result of living in some sort of abusive environment where you are maybe dismissed or don't feel good enough, or to the deeper level of emotional physical abuse. So it was a just very interesting relationship I had with it. As I've gotten older and gone through therapy, I've developed what we call real confidence, where I'm not cocky, but I've realized I am worthy just like everybody else in this world. Speaker 1: (02:30) So we'll have a whole other episode on confidence in general. But these are five ways to build confidence. So let's dig in. Number one, self-care, no matter what that made you feel about yourself, and maybe they made you feel like you do not deserve to care for yourself or put yourself first, that's bs. So no matter what you feel like you deserve, you have to start prioritizing yourself. That means positive self-talk, giving yourself grace, eating healthier, not gobbling down bottles of wine and brownies. Maybe I did that at one point. , how we treat our bodies completely affects our minds and vice versa, right? So we've gotta do the physical and the mind body parts as well. That is the physical mind, body, spirit. You know what I'm saying? So after I knocked out abusive people out of my life and started working out four times a week, just that alone, I felt like a new person. Speaker 1: (03:28) So if you don't, you feel like you don't have the motivation like that sounds great, Christy. That's cool. I don't have the motivation to work out four days a week. Well, you need to do the five second rule, which will be my next episode. It's a mini episode. I'm actually sneaking a little bonus episode in this week. So look out for it. If you are not subscribed, that is the way to be notified of my episodes. So as they come out. So go hit the subscribe button if you're not subscribed. So you'll get notification for that later this week. Number two, let yourself finally be you. When you have lived walking on eggshells and trying to please that person or those people, you never even had your, your chance to have your true identity, like your true self. Like what do you want? You know, what is your path you've been living for other people? Speaker 1: (04:14) Or if, let's say you had a honky dory upbringing and then entered a relationship with someone abusive, maybe you lost it. You lost your identity, you lost who you were, you lost your sparkle, right? So either way, it's you 2.0 now, like you back, you're a queen. Let's do this. What lights you up? Try different things. Take classes. Build new friendships with like-minded people. I found a completely new me that resulted in the icing on the cake of attracting like a whole new tribe. And that was just by organically doing the things that I was really interested and setting boundaries and all of that stuff. So I naturally built a more positive community around me by doing that. Speaking of boundaries, number three, set boundaries without guilt. I'm the queen of this. Now, I used to set boundaries, but I would feel really guilty after that is no longer the case, which is an amazing feeling, and you will get there. Speaker 1: (05:13) But finally, give yourself permission to say no or what I like to think of it as saying yes to the things that are meant for me in my path, right? So you gotta evaluate and set your priorities, which is what I do with my clients. Like first thing. So then you know, what are my priorities? And when you say no, it's, it's not full of guilt because you're, you know, you're doing what is your priority, and in my case, God's priority as well. So you can write a list of things you desire and prioritize them and build your boundaries that keep the things and people that you do not want in your life out. So check out my show notes that's in the little podcast description and Apple or whatever platform you're listening on. There should be a description underneath each episode, and there will be a link to my course that can help you with setting boundaries, keeping them, all of that without guilt. Speaker 1: (06:02) Number four, get support. Whether it is a therapist or a life coach like me that truly understands what a deep effect, essentially abuse has, some people just don't get it. You know, they may read it in a book. I highly suggest someone, whether it's me or someone else, somebody who has actually gone through abuse themselves to really like empathize with you because they've been through it. So definitely look for that. When you are seeking support, I mean, you've been through hell, okay? And there are people out there that understand it. You're not alone. You are not alone. It's, it's way more common than it should be. So you're not alone and somebody that you can trust, you can build a relationship, can help you walk through that fire, right? That you might still be, you're kind of walking out of, but you're still feeling the heat. Speaker 1: (06:55) Get to the other side so then you can truly thrive. And there, I promise you can thrive even if you do not feel like it right now. So today, get yourself a nice little notebook, a cute little pen, and write out what you desire. Anything from hobbies you wanna try to the type of friendships you want in your life to dying, your hair a new color, booking a vacation, write it all down and start working toward one of those things today. Think what can I do today to add a little bit of light into my life? Baby steps, right? It's through the small steps that we create entirely new and thriving lives. So I'd love to know what you're working on. You can join my free Facebook group. Again, they're in those little show notes. My link to my Facebook is always there and go in the group, introduce yourself, whatever, and post what you think would be a great addition to you 2.0. Speaker 1: (07:50) That's the new fabulous queen you. If you aren't subscribed to this podcast, once again, hit the subscribe button and then I will see you in the next episode. And don't forget, you are amazing. You are worthy, and you should be treated like a queen. Smooches induces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com , and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade. Fun.

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Do you feel like your mind body and dang soul are just a wreck after being in a narcissistic abusive situation?  Here are 5 ways that helped me recalibrate my nervous system so I could live a life of more joy! They will be total game changers for you, too!

MENTIONED LINKS:

After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner 

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https://christyjade.ck.page/insider

WORK WITH ME:

https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching

Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?

Grab my E-Course here:

https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse

And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 

https://www.christyjade.com/

Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!

fiercemamac@gmail.com  

Let's connect on social media!

https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/

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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

TRANSCRIPT:

Speaker 1: (00:00) Do you feel like your mind, body, and even your dang soul or just a wreck after being in a narcissistic, abusive situation? Stay tuned for five ways to help you recalibrate your nervous system so you can live a life full of more joy. Speaker 1: (00:16) Hey Queens, welcome to, but Still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had a disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www dot christy jade, that's christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:36) Let's be honest, just because the abuse has ended doesn't mean the damage is over. Unfortunately. You have to recalibrate, rebalance all the things, which it is possible. We're gonna start today with five ways to get your nervous system rebalanced after narcissistic abuse. So when I got out of my situation, I still felt like I was in this state of constant, almost just preparing for the worst. Like everything was always just tight and stressed out. And so I was either like distracting myself and go, go, go doing the work, overachiever mode, all the things running around, cleaning my house just like this super, super hyper focused energy. Or I was like completely depleted. I felt like there was no in between. And I was like, I need to fix this. I need to get a hold of myself, my brain, my body, everything felt spent. And I was like, I want to get balance. Speaker 1: (02:33) So here are some things I did to recalibrate this. Suck it bad. All right? You know what I'm saying? Okay, number one, this is like basics. We're doing 1 0 1 right here. This is like drinking your water, eating the bright, shiny, colorful foods. I was not eating enough veggies, I'll be honest. I'm just not. When you're stressed out all the time, you tend to not take care of your basic needs, right? And good sleep, which I know it can take time. You might need a little therapy to get some better sleep or pop in one of those lovely hills. Not the hard stuff, okay, I'm talking about some melatonin . Number two, get that vitamin D not in a pill form. Get outside, get your butt outside. Not only is vitamin D good for you, but your brain literally changes when you step out into nature. It is an automatic mood boost. Speaker 1: (03:22) And side note, by the way, if you have kids, you can totally use this. I use it to get my daughter out of her cranky cycle. It's like the first thing I do. If she gets cranky, I'm like, we're going outside. Even if it's for two minutes, it works every time. And if I have a little squabble with my hubby, I throw his out the door and in the sunlight too. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Okay, number three, meditate every single day. I don't care. I don't care. If you don't meditate, you're going to Now the big boss is here. Here I am, queen. Oh my gosh, this, seriously, you guys is a life changer. If you can do it every day, great. I really want you to try it, even if it's just five minutes. But I, I mean I dove in, I dove in. Speaker 1: (04:05) I started probably 20, 30 minutes. And when you start meditating, you're gonna wanna do it more cuz you realize how effective it is. It is a life changer, I promise. So if you're not doing it, incorporate it into your morning routine. Um, you can do it at night. But I find the best effect is doing it right in the morning. I have a four minute mood boost, which is my client's favorite meditation ever cuz it's four minutes, but it will shift your mood. So if you wanna start out like simple, I will put that in the show notes, like the description and the podcast. So check that out and yes, you'll love it. You will love it. Number four is yoga. Kind of the same idea. And you have the added benefit of getting stretchier, which let's face it, we are getting a little older and have less stretchiness. Speaker 1: (04:55) The elasticity is going, so we need to work at it harder. So I don't know about you, but I was creaking when I got up after a movie in the movie theater. I mean, I don't know, it started years ago. I just, it was creaky creaks. And when I keep up with my yin yoga especially, that really gets in like the fascia and the deep tissue. Like it's amazing. My body does not make the noises that compete with the popcorn crunching. So it's a extra bonus. Seriously. I really, really recommend yoga. It's awesome. You can do the hot yoga, you can be baller. I do the yin yoga. It's just so relaxing and it makes you just really stop and be in the moment. I just love it. Number five. All right, you big hippies. Let's end with a bang here. You are going to walk barefoot outside. Speaker 1: (05:44) Yeah, you may hate me for this one, but if you actually do it, you will thank me. This is what we call grounding. Oh, the magical things it does for your body. You may end up with neighbors gossiping about you, but you won't care cuz you'll be so excited and just running around like a magical unicorn. And maybe you will attract a like-minded neighbor that wants to run around like a magical unicorn. Unicorn. Oh my gosh, it's getting crazy over here. unicorn feet, naked wind in the hair. You just never know people, okay? So you never know, you'll find your tribe by running around with your naked feet. Seriously. Grounding is really awesome. You can hide, you can do it in your backyard where no one can see you. But connecting your body to the earth is a thing that is just, it's you gotta do it to, to understand. Speaker 1: (06:37) Okay, now these are just five tools. We have all sorts of things. We'll have more episodes about this. Write me your questions at fierce mama, M A M A c@gmail.com sending specific questions. And I hope these five tools have helped you today. So go start resetting that BS that that toxic, nasty caused you. I'm so mad at them. Okay? I promise we can undo this, catch you in the next episode of, but still she thrives. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www dot christy jade, christyjade.com, and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade fun.

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Not trusting yourself to choose wisely? In today's episode, I will discuss the ways to create healthy relationships after narcissistic abuse.

MENTIONED LINKS:

Grab my planner here

Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!

My 4 MINUTE meditation:

https://christyjade.ck.page/insider

WORK WITH ME:

Life Changing Weekly 1:1 Coaching with me

Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?

Grab my E-Course here:

https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse

And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 

https://www.christyjade.com/

Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!

fiercemamac@gmail.com  

Let's connect on social media!

My Instagram

My TikTok

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

TRANSCRIPT: Speaker 1: (00:00) Are you worried you'll end up in another toxic relationship in your life? This could be a romantic partner or even a friendship. Today we're gonna talk about 10 ways to have healthy relationships after letting go of toxic people. Speaker 1: (00:16) Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? And you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had a disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com , That's christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course. Speaker 1: (01:36) Okay? Story time for me. When I started to really set boundaries in my life, it was not just romantic relationships, but friendships as well. I had not realized what I had put up with and wondered if I even knew what a normal relationship or close friendship looked like. I had some controlling as$ people in my life, and maybe developed some co-dependency, ugh. But now I have an amazing husband and only awesome, uplifting, supportive friends, and I don't tolerate from anybody. It's so peaceful. So there is hope. Let's dive in. Number one, take the time to heal. That could be meditation. It doesn't have to be an hour long meditation, just a few minutes in the morning to start your day. Yoga, journaling time with just you to sort stuff out. It is a process. It's just really letting your body, your mind, your heart, all that stuff kind of sort through. Speaker 1: (02:34) What the heck just happened. All right. This doesn't mean you can't date or go hang out with new people, but make sure you are carving out time for just you to heal on a weekly basis. Number two, forgive yourself. A lot of us carry guilt after we leave an abusive situation. We're in survival mode while we're in it. And don't evaluate and see things like we do when we finally get out. You may think, hell on earth, did I put up with this? Or how did I let my kids see this? There will be a lot of questioning going on, and that is normal, but you did the best you could with what you knew inside of that relationship. So give yourself grace. You're here now climbing out of an ugly dark hole, and you have to focus on the climb up into the light, not looking back, making it harder on yourself. Speaker 1: (03:20) So be proud of where you are now and let that guilt go. Three, evaluate what you want in a relationship, how you wanna feel. Literally write a list of what you want in a relationship. You are probably never asked this before, so it could take a minute. What do you want? How do you wanna feel? What's a deal breaker for you? Now, what are characteristics you want in a partner? Make it fun. I did this years before I met my husband and he hit about 95% of the wants I had. He was an introvert though. I thought I wanted an extrovert. Guess what? I probably didn't want an extrovert. Two extroverts, two wild extroverts in one place can get a little crazy. So sometimes we also think we might want something and that changes. So that's okay too. But I found an amazing guy with a lot of check marks on my list. Speaker 1: (04:11) So there is hope. Number four, take things slow. You may have co-dependency tendencies, just a thing. So this may be tough, but trust that the right person will take it slow with you. You need to go slow to be able to go in cautiously and protect your heart as you start to navigate new relationships of any kind. Number five, slowly try to trust. Again, not blindly, right? You don't wanna go in like just trust in everybody. But by setting expectations, you can trust yourself more than you think. So knowing that yes, you missed some red flags or you stepped over some red flags, you're on the other side. You know what it feels like you have that experience to start to build trust with yourself. Number six, don't punish your new person for your old one's mistakes. While it's great to look out for red flags, don't create problems that do not exist. Speaker 1: (05:05) But if you're open about your past with your new partner, uh, don't go doing that on the first date, okay? But once you feel comfortable enough, talk about your history and let them in on that and be vulnerable. So if things do come up, you can talk it out. Listen to your intuition. Most people that were in abusive relationships did get warning signs, but ignored them or excuse them. This is where you have a chit chat with yourself and promise you will not overlook signs this time. Once you're on the other side, it is easier, like I said, to see them and you now know the damage toxic relationships can cause. So you are more likely to back away with the red flags before you are already sucked in deep. Number eight, prioritize self-care. If you know me, you know, I could preach on this all day. Speaker 1: (05:55) I actually have a planner. It's a planner pad. It's awesome. I have it for sale. It'll be in the description notes or you can email me at fiercemamac@gmail. But this planner makes you prioritize self-care every day at the top. And then it has an hourly planner and on the back it's got a space for gratitude and for to-dos all the fun. So check that out in the show notes. But self-care is so important. That's why I created it. And especially when you've been through abuse, your body has been through heck, your body, mind, spirit, everything, right? So you have to prioritize yourself for once. Do the things that light you up, all of them. Take fun classes, get a massage. Leave your room messy and curl up with a good book. But take care of you. Number nine, keep your heart open. Speaker 1: (06:46) I promise. There are amazing people in this world that's romantic partners, that's friends. They're out there, and I know you might feel like your heart is hardened, but it will soften with time and if you allow it to. So I encourage you to keep your heart open and you will find loving, supportive people that will fill those deep dark holes full of narcissistic jack asses. Oh, sorry. Okay, here we go. Number 10, get support for helping with your triggers and your processing. All of the stuff that your mind, body, and soul are going through. You need support. It's important. This could be a therapist, this could be a life coach specializing in narcissistic abuse like me. So whatever it is, get some support. Surround yourself with supportive people and start your healing journey. I am so proud of you for getting out of your toxic situation, and I hope that this helps you on your journey. Speaker 1: (07:44) Now it's time to feel free and live a life of peace. You are amazing. You are important. Really important, okay? And you deserve happiness. So see you in the next episode, smooches and Deuces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com , And go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade Fun.

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Hey Queens!

One of the most difficult (and somewhat unexpected) things about going no contact with a narcissist is the others that they pull in to guilt trip you! In today's episode I will talk about the ways to deal with this triangulation.  It isn't your fault, and just because others join in on the blame game, doesn't make it the truth. You know your truth, queen! 

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---------

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Have trouble setting boundaries in your life? Grab my E-Course here:

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And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 

https://www.christyjade.com/

 

Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!

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Let's connect on social media!

My Instagram

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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

TRANSCRIPT:

Speaker 1: (00:00) Hello, hello. Today we are going to talk about something that is not talked about so much in regards to dealing with narcissism. As if the wrath of the narcissist after you cut them off is not enough, the guilt others may place on you can be devastating. In today's episode, I will discuss ways to help deal with those guilt trips because ain't nobody got time for that. Speaker 1: (00:27) Hey friends, welcome to the but still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I gotcha. I wanna help you. That is what I am here for. It is my specialty and I am giving $20 off your first call for limited time. Um, it's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there and you can sign up over at https://bit.ly/FIRSTCOACHINGCALL call. I would love to help you. Speaker 1: (01:37) When I disconnected from the narcissist in my life, other family members came at me telling me I was ruining the family. I did question myself but knew logically. Of course, the person who actually ruined the family was the one who was, I don't know, physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive. Not me. But when you have gone through narcissistic abuse, your mind has been so tattered and twisted and messed up that you go back and forth believing the truth and the narcissist truth. Those are two different things. Spoiler alert. So guilt trips can absolutely work on you. You're an easy target for guilt trips. But I got therapy, which I highly recommend and I worked through that fake news story and created some solid ways to temper the guilt trips. So let's dig into the five ways to deal with it, to navigate all of the lovely guilt trips that may be coming your way. Speaker 1: (02:33) Alright, number one, have a short and simple phrase for when anyone comes at you with. Mine was because I don't mince words. That's. This other person is abusive and that is not my fault. You can do your own lovely little version of it. You don't have to have a curse word in there. I highly recommend it. I love a good and just make it short and simple and always go back to that and repeat it. That is is your, you don't get emotional, you don't fluff away with other words or well, this and that. No, just stick to the basics. Did I mess that up sometimes? Yeah, I'm human. Did I give myself grace? Yes, we need a lot of grace. Okay, number two, hang up, hang up the phone, walk away, leave. Get away from anyone trying to place blame on you for not tolerating abuse cuz that's what it is. Speaker 1: (03:26) I want you to let that sink in. We're actually gonna repeat it. I'm a good repeater. I'm like a parrot. Do not stick around anyone that is placing blame on you for not tolerating abuse. That's what it comes down to. Don't let them twist it into something. It's not. It's plain and simple. You decided to protect your peace. You walked away. You're not tolerating abuse that is healthy. You are the healthy one. Remember that? So you have full permission to say, I'm, I've gotta go. You can be polite about it or you don't have to be polite about it. They're not being polite to you. You can hang up the phone. You can say in a nice language, Hey, I've gotta run. Catch you later when you're not guilt tripping me. Hang up, walk away. Always be in a place. If you know these people are guilt tripper types, make sure when you're with them you have a way to get out without you know their car. Speaker 1: (04:17) Like you have your own car or whatever it is. Set your situations up and it might sound like that's a lot of planning. You'll get used to it. You know who you can trust and who you can or who you feel comfortable around in these situations as you navigate getting out of a narcissistic situation, always have a plan to get out because it can get uncomfortable. And then you have the control and can leave if you need to leave, if it's on the phone, that's an easy hangup button, but don't tolerate it. Okay, number three, ask them not to mention said person's name anymore. I did this in my life. I will say it's something I'm still navigating, um, still dealing with. I still have my moments where I take the bait. We're human so I want you to give yourself grace in this. But it is a very good habit to develop to not have their name mentioned and talked about if possible. Speaker 1: (05:06) I know with co-parenting that's trickier, but if there's someone in your life that you have been able to fully disconnect from, you can ask anyone that may be related or you have mutual friends, just I'd prefer if you don't talk about them in my presence, I'm, you know, I'm trying to heal and move on. It can bring it back up and I just like to avoid it. And you can mention that it will benefit both of you or all of you. If there's more than one, this will benefit everybody because it will keep the drama at bay and keep the peace. Number four, get support. A therapist, a life coach like me. Someone who truly understands narcissism. That is the important part. There are many people who do not get it. So shop around. It's like dating. Find somebody who truly gets it. I, I literally asked my therapist, have you been through narcissistic abuse? Speaker 1: (06:01) She opened up and told me she did. She told me a little of her experience. So I felt like okay, she's been through it. She knows how to navigate better than somebody who hasn't. Life experience is a thing. I believe it can go further than words in a book that people study. I respect that. I think it's great. The combination is the best way you can heal is if you have somebody who has the education and has also been through the experience. So getting support is huge. You're going to need it if you have someone coming at you guilt tripping you on the heels of disconnecting from a narcissist where you have the wrath of that narcissist and you're in a vulnerable space, you are going to need support again, always in the show notes is the phone number for the domestic abuse hotline where you can call them even if you don't have physical abuse going on. Speaker 1: (06:49) I wanna reiterate that you can call them for support and get counseling, all of that good stuff. So check that out in the show notes. Number five, expect it to continue. This is not the fun part. I shouldn't have ended on this. The narcissist will keep triangulating and that's when they bring someone else in to kind of do their dirty work or um, you know, cause problems basically and bugging that person or people which causes them to try to make you fix things, right? Them as in the people they're triangulating, then they will try to get you to fix the situation or make it better because they're getting it on their end from the narcissist. They are usually very fearful of the narcissist as many are. So instead of asking the narcissist to drop it or going against the narcissist, they will continue to guilt trip you to reconnect with the narcissist. Speaker 1: (07:39) So trying to get you to reconnect so that they can get rid of the narcissist pressure on them. Tough. Protect your peace people, okay? This is not okay. This is what the narcissist sets up on purpose to triangulate to try to cause more problems. And you have to just know this is going to happen and I've gotta be strong and do those other four things to get through it. So you have to set boundaries with these people in your life that give you guilt trips. There's no other way around that You're going to have to, in some cases you may have to disconnect from them if they will not leave well enough alone. Unfortunately, when someone's in the web of a narcissist, you know how it is. You've been through it, you know it's hard to get out of. And I at times have compassion for these people because I know what it's like to be under the thumb of a narcissist. Speaker 1: (08:32) It's not easy and you're scared of them. Maybe you're terrified of them, but I'm gonna tell you that is not your. You need to heal you and protect your peace. You can always give advice. I always say give advice once, right? So you can give your advice to these people but their is not your. And if they're on you and making you feel guilty and they're not stopping when you're asking them to, then you can can absolutely remove yourself or you know, make a dis more of a distant relationship with that person. Whatever you have to do to protect your peace, your peace is really important. As much stuff as I've gone through, I am the most at peace and happiest I've ever been in my life. And I would not be here without setting very strong boundaries that were very hard not just to set but to keep. Speaker 1: (09:19) Because people don't always make it easy, especially if a narcissist is involved because they're in the web of the narcissist and they're under their trance, they're under their spell and it can make for a lot of difficulty. But I am here to tell you there is hope and some of these people will absolutely respect your wishes if they value your relationship enough, right? So you have to, like I said, have a short phrase so you can just shut it down. That's. They're an abuser, not my fault. Okay? Hang up, leave the situation. If they're trying to guilt trip you just get out, get away from it. Three, ask them not to mention their name anymore that it will benefit you both and getting that support and then expecting it. And I don't say that to to be like womp womp expect it, but I think it helps us kind of just set the expectations and like, okay, this is gonna happen but I can handle it and everything's gonna be okay. Speaker 1: (10:15) I got this, you got this queen, right? You deserve to not be guilt tripped. You don't deserve that. It is not your fault. None of this is your fault and I want you to really, really hear that and feel validated because we do not get validated that it's not our fault. So this is a safe place where I see you and I know what you're going through and you're going to be okay and you have to keep believing it's not your fault. And don't get sucked into the guilt trips, okay? You are a queen bee, so don't forget that queen bees not your fault. Something else might be your fault. , I got, I got my own share of fault, right? We all got faults, we all have stuff we've done. We're not perfect. But someone being abusive to you is never ever your fault. You not tolerating it. Speaker 1: (11:07) You aren't breaking up a family that's not of your doing, that's you saying, I'm not dealing with this anymore and I'm walking away. And that's strength and that's beautiful and I love you for it. I'm proud of you and as always, smooches and deuces girl, if you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love. And I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over athttps://bit.ly/FIRSTCOACHINGCALL to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving to thriving cuz you deserve to be the queen you have always been. Let's chat.

*Top 5% in podcasts globally

Hey Queens!

Did Bob the abuser have a tough childhood? WELL, maybe...but so did a lot of people. They aren't all out there abusing others. There is no excuse for people treating you like crap. Period. Let's go ahead and look at some of the top excuses we make for toxic people and debunk those excuses. 

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!

My 4 MINUTE meditation:

https://christyjade.ck.page/insider

Join me and other like-minded women on my free private Facebook Group Page at:

https://bit.ly/ChristyJade

---------

GRAB $20 off your first 60 minute coaching call with me:

https://bit.ly/FIRSTCOACHINGCALL

 

Have trouble setting boundaries in your life? Grab my E-Course here:

https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse

 

And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 

https://www.christyjade.com/

 

Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!

fiercemamac@gmail.com  

Let's connect on social media!

My Instagram

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---------TRANSCRIPT----------

Speaker 1: (00:00) In today's episode, we are going to talk about all the excuses that we give abusers. I've been there, I've done it. My clients have done it. You are listening here. If you have been the victim of abuse, I'm sure you have given your abuser excuses, you've excused them in your mind to yourself, maybe to other people. And we're here today to talk about what those excuses can look like and let's go ahead and debunk 'em cuz nobody's got time for that. She yet. Speaker 1: (00:35) Hey friends, welcome to the but still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I got you. I wanna help you. That is what I am here for. It is my specialty and I am giving $20 off your first call for a limited time. Um, it's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there and you can sign up over@ bitlybt.ly/firstcoachingcall. I would love to help you. Speaker 1: (01:44) So here are the excuses we give abusers. Number one, he had a hard life, he had a rough childhood, whatever. Guess what guys? A lot of people go through a lot of stuff in this world and they're not all out there abusing others. It's unacceptable. It isn't okay no matter what you have been through. It is not an excuse. Number two, it was my fault. I, I got him mad. Okay? No you didn't. You might have said something that he had an emotional response to, but guess what? He gets to control what he does without emotional response. If he is out of control and can't do that, he should seek help and not be in a relationship. It is never your fault. You cannot cause someone else to do something. People need to take accountability for their own actions. Never an excuse. Number three, they apologize. Speaker 1: (02:37) They said it wouldn't ever happen again. They promised newsflash, this is part of the cycle of abuse from the last episode. It is on repeat and it will happen again and most likely it will get worse. Number four, it doesn't happen all the time. Once is enough, it should not not happen more than one time. It shouldn't happen at all one time. But if it happens one time, you should get out. It usually, like I just said, gets worse and it will get more frequent as time goes on. But it doesn't matter. It shouldn't even happen once. And if it does, it's time to remove yourself from the situation. Number five, I know they love me and I love them, okay? People who truly love you do not abuse you. Again, people who truly love you do not abuse you. They may convince you that they do. Speaker 1: (03:31) They may have you believe that this is just, you know, part of them and they're gonna do better. But they love you. They love you, they love you, okay? Love does not look like pain. Love does not look like pain despite what some of those sad songs talk about. Maybe breakups look like pain when you are in love and you are in a healthy relationship that is functioning as it should, it is not a painful relationship. Sure you may have some conflict or disagreements, but it is not abuse and there's a difference. Number six, we have a lot of great times together. You would have even more if he wasn't abusing you. You deserve to have great times together without abuse. That's it. There is no excuse for abuse. I know it's very easy to clutch onto the fun memories and they will pull at your heartstrings to make you remember those. Speaker 1: (04:24) But it does not make up for abuse ever. Number seven, I don't want to because of the children, I can tell you this, children are going to be a lot more damaged if they stay in the home that has domestic abuse going on. They see it and the cycle will then continue with them where they will be used to it and think it's okay. They could go on into abusive relationships themselves, friendships, all of the above. So you're not only hurting yourself, you are actually hurting your children. You are not helping them by staying at all nine. Nobody else wants me Queen. Better shake that off. Look in the mirror. Yes they will. Right now though you need to focus on making sure you are out of the relationship are completely untied to this person. And this is where I can come in with helping you truly get separated where you are not connected to the person. Speaker 1: (05:25) Even after you are away, you can still be connected. So getting disconnected so that you can heal and you can be healthy enough to attract the right type of person who will love you, who will see you and hear you and value you and love you and trust you and not have you walk on eggshells for the rest of your life. You deserve more and you are worthy of it and you can get it. Absolutely. Now there are more reasons that are scarier reasons like you are afraid they will will hurt or kill you. Like you don't have enough money, you literally have zero money to your name. They have all control, or you have nowhere to go in these dire, more dire situations. I encourage you to call the domestic abuse hotline at 807 9 9 7 2 3 3 and they can help you with a plan. So we have the nine typical excuses and then we have more that someone on that hotline can help you with. Speaker 1: (06:28) And I will, like I said, I'll be having guests on here to talk about these things too. But in the meantime you can call 807 9 9 7 2 3 3 for support. I wanna leave you knowing there is hope. There are tons of people who get out of these situations successfully. I am one of them. I know a lot of them are my clients. There's a lot of domestic violence unfortunately in this world. But there's a lot of hope and a lot of people that do get out successfully and go on to thrive. And that is what I want to help you with. So if you are out of a situation and trying to figure out how to navigate, stay tuned for more episodes. And remember, you deserve to be happy. You deserve to thrive, you deserve to be loved. You're awesome, you're a queen. See you in the next episode, smooches and deuces. Speaker 1: (07:25) Girl. If you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love. And I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over @ bitlybt.ly/firstcoachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving to thriving cuz you deserve to be the queen you have always been. Let's chat.

*Top 5% in podcasts globally

Hey Queens!

Are you just realizing that roller coaster of hell you went through may have been a true abusive cycle? In today's episode, find out the 4 stages of abuse and how to avoid getting sucked back in to a similar situation again. You deserve the world, beauty! Listen up and take notes!

Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!

My 4 MINUTE meditation:

https://christyjade.ck.page/insider

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

Join me and other like-minded women on my free private Facebook Group Page at:

https://bit.ly/ChristyJade

---------

GRAB $20 off your first 60 minute coaching call with me:

https://bit.ly/FIRSTCOACHINGCALL

 

Have trouble setting boundaries in your life? Grab my E-Course here:

https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse

 

And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 

https://www.christyjade.com/

 

Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!

fiercemamac@gmail.com  

Let's connect on social media!

My Instagram

My TikTok

---------TRANSCRIPT----------

Speaker 1: (00:00) Hello friends. In today's episode, we are going to talk about the actual cycle of abuse and what to do to avoid getting into an abusive relationship again. Speaker 1: (00:14) Hey friends, welcome to the but still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christy, Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I got you. I wanna help you. That is what I am here for. It is my specialty and I am giving $20 off your first call for a limited time. Um, it's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there and you can sign up over bitly.com/firstcoachingcall. I would love to help you. Speaker 1: (01:23) So first we're gonna talk about the actual cycle of abuse. There is a actual diagram with a cycle. And when I saw this for the first time in my therapy office, many, many moons ago, I felt overwhelmed with emotions because I thought I was kind of crazy. And seeing this diagram made me feel validated and seen and like this is a real thing. And I felt like I kind of had proof now of the cycle. So let's dive into this cycle. Maybe you already know about it, maybe you don't. And you hear this and you're like, that's me. That happened, that happened, that happened. Oh my gosh. And it will be kind of a mind blow for you. I'm here for you, I'm here to support you. Let's go through those stages. I also first want to remind you, an abusive relationship can be not, it doesn't have to be romantic relationship. Speaker 1: (02:16) It, it often is, but it can be a parent, it can be a sibling, it can be a friendship, it can be your Aunt Tilly, it can be a boss, it can be a gerbil. I had a gerbil to bit my nose. Hey, it's a real thing. Okay, so let's get into the cycle of abuse, but keep that in mind because a lot of us who um, have gone through abuse as a child or choose, you know, abusive relationships, there's something in us that may, that may be a pattern. And we choose abusive, friendships, relationships, et cetera, et cetera. So we can kind of somewhat what they say attract. I don't like to put it that way, but we can attract certain types of people or tolerate certain things because we are comfortable and used to them. So let's dig in. The first phase usually is the calm, okay? Speaker 1: (03:02) That's what starts it off. Usually you meet someone and it's that honeymoon feeling. They're calm, they're on their best behavior, and the relationship is relatively calm and it's peaceful. So, you know, this is where you can kind of get tricked. Okay? This is the honeymoon phase, which most relationships go through. The difference is the extremes and what comes after. So after the calm comes the tension building phase. This is where tensions increase. There's lack of communication and the victim starts to feel fearful or second guessing themselves starts to feel somewhat maybe uncomfortable. And then this can lead to an incident. And why is that? Because the abuser, the controller senses that tension. So they're gonna cause the drama and they're going to make the victim pay for having any emotion or any reaction to whatever has caused the tension, right? So the incident can be verbal, it can be emotional, and it can be physical. Speaker 1: (04:07) I want to remind you, physical abuse is not the only type of abuse that is there. I still have clients that come to me and say, well, I, well they didn't hit me. And that doesn't mean it's not abuse. It is very much still abuse. Okay? So verbal, emotional and physical abuse is the actual incident. That is the next stage. Then comes the reconciliation. This is what really got me when I was younger. They reconciliation flowers, poetry, donuts, I got donut. I love donuts. You know, they got me back with the donuts. This is where the abuser apologizes sometimes, sometimes they won't. If they're desperate, they will. But sometimes they will have apologies with a butt on the end, which is a sign of an insincere apology. But sometimes they can fake it really well, right? Apologizes gives excuses, blames the victim, right? They may say, I'm sorry, but when you did this, I just said da, da, da, right? Speaker 1: (05:05) It's that flipping it around. Denies the abuse occurred. This can happen too. I don't know what you're talking about. I think you're just really sensitive or, uh, that is not what happened. You're remembering inaccurately. They literally, and we've talked about this, but gaslight, you make you feel crazy. There is a plethora of things, of tactics, strategies they will use to try to win you back, reconcile and they'll try different things and see what works best for you. They learn what works and then they will use it over and over. Okay? Then we go back, right? It's a cycle. This is the cycle of abuse. It does not end there. It's not flowers and a beautiful day. And the rest of our lives are magical. Not with an abuser. With an abuser. It could be a day later, it could be a month later. The calm comes and then what happens? Speaker 1: (05:54) We go back to the tension building. As you get more and more comfortable through the years, if you are with someone for multiple years, you get more comfortable with them, you may start to speak up more. You may get really sick of this abuse, you may still be afraid of them, of course. But you start saying, you know, I don't like when you do that or whatever. You start speaking up more and that can build more tension. So then the tension building is even more, the incident can then become more severe, and then the reconciliation may have to be a little bigger on their end too, right? It might be a grander gesture. So the cycle continues, continues, continues, and a lot of us have held on to the hope that it will end in the calm. I am here to tell you, this cycle never ends at the calm. Speaker 1: (06:44) Okay? I want you to hear that again. This cycle doesn't end at the calm. This is a cycle that continues and continues and continues. And the only way out of this circle, picture it as a circle, it's a cycle, right? The only way out is to break it. That's the only way out of this. So I highly encourage you to think about this cycle, evaluate if your relationship is representative of this cycle of abuse, and let's continue on to really thinking about how you can avoid getting in these situations in the future. If you are out of a toxic relationship, how do you end up not back in one? Whether that's a romantic partner, a friend, even just surrounding yourself with a new quote family, right? Like we can create families of our own that aren't blood related. How do you fill your life with healthy people? Speaker 1: (07:39) We're gonna go through a little list of five of them. One way is to look for the unhealthy perfectionists. They might come off as perfectionist, but it's really control and they expect you to fulfill their needs, maybe all of their needs. So they will isolate you and say, oh, I need you. And it makes you feel good. But then they're also really just controlling you. That leads to codependence, which is what? What got you in a toxic situation in the first place. It can also look like someone who's easily angered or frustrated. They may call it perfection. Oh, I'm just a perfectionist. But if every little thing is frustrating them, that is also a red flag. Number two, Hmm, mood swings. Do they flip out at you? You're like in Whole Foods and they flip out cuz you forgot to grab their organic ketchup, . Or are they one minute loving all over you and then the next you have a different opinion than them and they're really up in their feelings and angry about it. Speaker 1: (08:35) Are they like Mr. Charisma around everyone else, but you get the dark set of the moon? Mm-hmm . That is not fun. We don't like that rational people. They get up at days, right? We all got moods, I got PMs, mood once a month. Steer clear. Okay? But when there is a clear pattern of anger control or general like extreme up and downs, it is time to flee. Okay? Number three, watch out for those who do not take responsibility, this is a huge one, and not just when they're desperate to get you back. When they have the flowers in their hand, okay, I'm talking every day nitty gritty, something a little conflict comes up or whatever. Even paying attention to how they talk about other people, how they deal with other people. If they're talking about a conflict note, do they ever take responsibility in that conflict? Speaker 1: (09:27) Or are they always blaming everyone else for everything? Another sign to stay away. Number four, ugh. I know this is such a trigger for a lot of my clients. Making sure you feel seen and heard. This is huge. Pay very close attention how this person makes you feel inside, right? You gotta get in touch with your body, girl. Are they listening? Are they truly hearing? Not just listening, not just pretending and looking at you and like uhhuh, , uhhuh, . Are they truly hearing and actually responding in a way that makes you feel like they hear you and you feel seen? Most importantly, are their actions actually showing that they see and hear you and they care about you and your opinions? If not, we're queens here. You are worth more than that. It's time to find someone who lets you be you and loves you for it, right? Speaker 1: (10:18) Your opinions and all they value you. Don't stick around someone who does not value you for the love of Jesus. Okay? Number five, look for signs of jealousy. Sometimes we can confuse jealousy with love and care. Did I kind of think it was cute on my ex-boyfriend years ago? Got a little jealous when we were out at the bar and some guy came up to me and he got real mad and crazy for a second. I kind of did. I'm not gonna lie, it was not cute. He was controlling, right? He was controlling and then it went further than that for me too, right? They start, they look at your phone, they might break into your email. Um, you're wearing a cute outfit, they're asking where you're going, who are you going with? And you can see in their body they are stressed out and they feel outta control. Speaker 1: (11:08) That's why they're acting like that. It's not because, oh, I love you so much. That is not showing love. That's showing control. That's showing suspicion. And often on a side note, a lot of people who actually we should be suspicious of, there are a lot of abusers that are cheaters as well, are often suspicious because of their own actions. That's a whole nother episode. But do you feel like you're walking on eggshells afraid your words or actions may get them jealous when there is nothing to be jealous about? Do they tell you what to wear? Do they in general do this control thing to try to keep you isolated? Another sign of jealousy can show up that way, right? They wanna keep you away from your friends, your single friends. They don't want you going out, your single friends. They might even keep you from your family. Speaker 1: (11:57) That's a whole other episode too. We got a lot of content we're gonna cover in here. But isolation's, another thing we'll add on to the jealousy side of things, but if you feel like they are constantly, if they are frequently, if there's a pattern of jealousy, I'm everyone, maybe everyone can have their one day they got a little jealous, okay? But you know what I'm saying. If there's a pattern of jealousy, squash it. Squash it by running. Now in general, the question is, do you feel free at the end of the day in a healthy relationship, you feel free. I mean, let's be honest, okay? Do I feel as free as I did when I was 23 with no husband or kid? Not exactly. I was like a bird flying way too high and way too far . But you know what I'm saying. You can feel free in a relationship where you feel free to be yourself. Speaker 1: (12:42) You feel free to have your own opinions to speak up. You feel free. And when you are with someone abusive, you don't feel that way. You feel trapped. You feel like a caged bird. You're like, I, I was a bird. I think I'm a bird, but I'm not flying like a bird. That is definitely a sign. It is time to get out before it gets worse. It will get worse. And we will do another episode about that. Giving you all the peeps, all the peeps shows, all right, we are gonna talk about that in a very important episode. It gets worse, okay? So I love these signs because it shows you what you can do to avoid getting sucked back into a toxic relationship again. Again, it can be romantic, it can be platonic, it can be a work situation. Whatever it is, you get to choose to be in healthy relationships. Speaker 1: (13:34) And hopefully those little signs of what to look out for helped you. Now, don't forget if you are a victim of any kind of abuse, emotional or physical call, 807 9 9 7 2 3 3 4 support. And obviously I will catch you in the next episode. Smooches and deuces. Girl, if you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love and I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over at bitly.com/firstcoachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving the thriving because you deserve to be the queen you have always been. Let's chat.

 

*Top 5% in podcasts globally

Hey Queens!

In a situation with a Narcissist and can't seem to navigate how to handle the situation? If you cannot go no contact with this abusive person, the next best thing is what is called, "The Grey Rock Method" and this episode is dedicated entirely to it. Because it is that good and effective! Make sure to save this episode, as you surely refer back to it.

Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!

My 4 MINUTE meditation:

https://christyjade.ck.page/insider

--------

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

Grab the Not My Shit Journal mentioned here

Join me and other like-minded women on my free private Facebook Group Page at:

https://bit.ly/ChristyJade

---------

GRAB $20 off your first 60 minute coaching call with me:

https://bit.ly/FIRSTCOACHINGCALL

 

Have trouble setting boundaries in your life? Grab my E-Course here:

https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse

 

And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 

https://www.christyjade.com/

 

Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!

fiercemamac@gmail.com  

Let's connect on social media!

My Instagram

My TikTok

---------TRANSCRIPT----------

Speaker 1: (00:00) Hello Queens. So you've tried everything from being sticky, sweet, and kind to yelling back at a toxic person in your life. Nothing seems to work at keeping them away or stopping their horrible behaviors. Well, in today's episode, we're going to talk about my second favorite technique to use against the toxic and narcissistic abusers called the Grey Rock Method. My first favorite is No Contact . We talked about that in episode four. If you wanna refer back to that one, if you haven't already, and for this episode, trust me, you're going to want to save it and go back to it again and again. Speaker 1: (00:41) Hey friends, welcome to the But Still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christty, Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say now, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I gotcha. I wanna help you. That is what I am here for. It is my specialty and I am giving $20 off your first call for a limited time. Um, it's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there and you can sign up over at Bit.ly/firstcoachingcalll. I would love to help you. Speaker 1: (01:50) So I can say from experience, this is the second most successful tool I used against a narcissist in my life. I will not say it was easy, especially at first, but whoa, the results were amazing and continue to be amazing. So, you know, my favorite tool is called Run the F Away Fast. But if you cannot go no contact, if you have shared custody, maybe it's your boss and you need the job desperately, uh, maybe you have adult children that you can't let go of elderly parents, this one is for you. So what is the Gray Rock method? It is exactly that. A gray rock is boring, right? It blends in with everything. It's just kind of there. Nothing can be as boring as a gray rock. The result is being ignored. So you are engaging in no or very minimal response to the toxic person. Speaker 1: (02:45) Not explaining yourself, not defending yourself, not arguing, just, just not, not taking the bait. And you become boring to them. Eventually, I say eventually and no longer a source of narcissistic supply, right? They always need that supply. And over time when you do this, they are not getting what they literally need from you. They want to argue, they want to have conflict with you. So in a normal relationship, it is normal for you to engage. Let's say you're in conflict, it's normal to engage question to pry even to defend your point of view. All of that is very normal when you're having discussions, maybe arguments and anything like that in normal relationship. But when you do that with a narcissist, you will feel the wrath. Do you know the wrath? I think we're all familiar with the wrath of a narcissist. So all of the things we talked about in the past episodes will come up. Speaker 1: (03:42) The gas lighting, you know, all the, the hoovering, all of those things will come up after you have had conflict with them and they feel out of control. Okay? So this gray rock doesn't come from defeat though, but power, and that's what I love about it. It doesn't come from this just, gosh, I'm so just, ugh, I just can't do this anymore. I'm wrecked, I'm tired, which you probably will be, but take your power back and decide I am going to be a grey rock and get that power back. It's intentional. You're not going to play their game anymore. You are choosing to not play. So to avoid being treated poorly over and over and over, you are choosing peace for yourself. When you become uninterested in playing the game, therefore you become uninteresting to them and won't give them the supply they seek, that's when it gets good. Speaker 1: (04:41) It can take time to get there. At first, they typically will get angry. That will be the response. They feel like they're being ignored or they're not getting what they often seek, right? They're not getting that emotional response from you. They're not getting these long drawn out fights that they crave. You are basically cutting the oxygen off to a fire. So they may threaten you, they may bait you more, come at you harder, et cetera. Keep gray rocking. And that's the hardest part is the beginning. Because they will come harder, they will come louder. But the key here is eventually they will give up and find a new source or try to find a new source. And this can take time but is obviously very worth it. So be strong. This part is very important to hold on to those boundaries. Acting like the gray rock and just really, really being very strong and grounded in this. Speaker 1: (05:40) Okay? When you first gray rock, they will feel you have moved on and they'll feel out of control because keep in mind they're always seeking control of you or they are trying to check if they still have control. Always those two things, okay? So when they feel like they do not have control or, or they are losing control of their victim, they get very, very insecure and you have to not care about their reactions. They're gonna have loud reactions. Uh, they will do the gaslighting. They will say things like, oh, you're too good for me now. All of those things, okay? They will dismiss you, be condescending, they'll try whatever they need to. They're desperate. You have to be strong again, you may start to even feel guilt that they are actually finally uncomfortable and they seem outta control. And they may cry, they may put on the tears, they might be kind of out of their minds. Speaker 1: (06:30) And you might as an empath, as uh, someone with a big heart who they usually prey on. I'm assuming you may have a couple of those traits. You may feel guilty or bad. This is where it's hard. This is where you have to be very, very strong. So do not appease them. Keep on the track to avoid the drama and keep your peace. Protect your peace, protect your peace. When you stick to it, you will see them start to lose interest. Slowly. It takes some time and they will back away. Even though this is good, if you've been with them especially for years, or they're part of your family, parts of you will feel uncomfortable and possibly seek that need for you to be interesting to them, right? Cuz you've always craved their approval or whatever. Even if it's a toxic relationship, there's often a codependency or this desire to impress them or for them to need you to feel special. Speaker 1: (07:27) Okay? So this can shake that up and be confusing. You want validation, but find validation and love from the healthier people in your lives or open up space for new people that will treat you well. I promise they will come. You do not need this abusive person's validation. I repeat, you do not need this abusive person's validation. Once you find this strength and hold on tight, they will discard you. They will be able to separate from you for a while. That leads us too . Our next thing, will they come back around? Usually at some point, yes. But I have hope for you. It isn't usually as hard for you to be as strong cuz you know you've done it and you ha you're kind of prepared this time also, they will more quickly leave you if you stick to gray rocking. It tends to be a shock to their system the first time. Speaker 1: (08:23) The second time they know you may be capable, right? So don't let them back in. They'll more and more know that it is not possible to break through you. They will leave more quickly, they'll leave you alone more quickly. So gray work, gray work, work, work. That's not what I was trying to say. grey rock works well in really a lot of situations in relationships. You had to end and leave. They can work very well. Even if you're co-parenting. They can work very well in family situations because you can still be around them at the weddings, the parties, but not have to get sucked in. And again, I spoke to this in past episodes. You may have other family members who enable the abuser and perhaps blame you for the break of the relationship. You know, they may excuse abuse or experience themselves, so are more tolerant. Speaker 1: (09:19) Whatever the case, they may kind of put the blame on you. So they may be upset with you. Grey rocking that is okay, let them let them over time. They will have to get used to it. They will have to accept it, right? You are taking your power back and that's okay. It's actually more than okay. It's a beautiful dang thing queen. So own it and if they have feelings about it, that's their. If you don't know, I have a journal, it's on Amazon, I will link it in the show notes. It is called hashtag not my journal. And it is, it is glorious and it's great for this stuff that we often take on as our own stuff or we worry about. That's just not ours to worry about or carry. So if you're interested in that, I'll put that in the show notes. Speaker 1: (10:02) In a professional setting, this can work. Well. Grey Rock method works very well in a professional setting. As long as you are doing your job and being pleasant enough, right? There won't be much ammo to go against you from a narcissist that is your boss, a coworker, whatever. But do not forget to document everything. And that's kind of a pain. So I hope you're looking for another job if this is the case. But in the meantime, document what you are working on. Save everything, uh, maybe multiple times. I don't know if people have access to your computers, but make sure you track everything. Track your hours, how many hours you're working. So there's no dispute with that. Any conflict situations that arise with this person. Document the date, document what happened, keep those off of your office computer and keep that on your personal stuff. Speaker 1: (10:53) Do not write any of that in your office where they have access. Even if you don't know it, they, if it's their property, their computer, they can have access to it. They can see anything you write. So do not keep any information that you are tracking to go against them if anything happens on your work computer or any other device related to work. Okay? So hold on to all those documents at home just in case this person comes for you in some way. Goes to HR, says you're not pulling your weight around the office. Whatever it is, be prepared. And like I said, please try to find a new job. If you are in a toxic environment at work, the hardest part of Gray Rock Method is controlling yourself. . It can take time. Give yourself grace. This was really, it was tough for me, the gray rock method. Speaker 1: (11:46) First of all, I'm emotional, I'm an emotional being and if you are gonna sass me, I'm gonna sass you back twice. I will protect myself. I will stand up for myself, especially as I've gotten more healed. Um, so it's hard for me to almost, in the beginning I felt like, I feel like I'm just being walked on. Like here, this person is saying nasty things to me and I'm not biting back. That is actually strength. Showing that control is actually strength. Think about it as if they are coming at you with nastiness. Don't stoop to their level. You're not like that. That's not your nature. That is not who you are or who you wanna be. Be the gray rock because the goal here is to protect your peace and your safety. That's more important than anything. Okay? You can stand up for yourself in other ways than taking the bait and getting sucked into the drama. Speaker 1: (12:39) So basically we're gonna turn our emotions into a flat line around this person. Not even be overly happy, not pretend, oh, my life is great. Sometimes we try to overcompensate. No, none of that. Even a gray rock is not happy, it's not sad, it's not defensive, it is just a gray rock. And that is what you have to be. And eventually I'm at a point, this comes naturally. If I go head to head with a toxic person, I am a gray rock. I, I recognize it. I'm like, Ooh, alert, okay. Hmm, I don't wanna engage in this. And it's kind of like an automatic shutoff and I love it. So trust me, it's worth it. It takes time to get there. But give yourself grace and be patient with yourself. And if you slip, that's okay. We're human and we're, we're on this journey. I'm here with you. Speaker 1: (13:27) Reach out if you need any help with any of this, I'm at a point. I got my power back from using this method. I finally got my power back and I want you to do the same. So I want you to just take a minute, take a breath. Remember who you are, who the hell you are. You are an amazing queen. Am I right? Can I get a whatlet? And you deserve happiness. You deserve to not have to walk on eggshells. You deserve to live a joyful life with healthy people surrounding you. And I love you. I see you. And don't forget your smooches and deuces girl. If you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love. And I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over at Bit/ly/firstcoachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving the thriving cuz you deserve to be the queen you are.

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Hey Queens!

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

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Are you technically 'out' of a toxic situation / relationship but not able to fully disconnect or keep getting dragged back in? In today's episode, we will talk about 5 Things Toxic People Do to Win You Back and How to Stay Strong.

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TRANSCRIPTION

Hello queens, are you technically out of a relationship with a toxic person that could be a spouse? It could be a romantic partner in general friendship. Maybe it's a family member, are you out of that relationship, but not feeling totally disconnected? Maybe they won't let you. Here are five ways abusers keep connected, and how to mitigate them, drawing you back in. All right. So you were an object to them, something that they initially desired. So now they believe you belong to them. Okay. It's you probably know a lot of abusers are possessive over their victims. And they don't want anyone else to have you. They don't want you to move on. So even if you're technically away, they'll still try to have you connected to them in some way, they need that for their own power. Right? It's not about you. I know. No one wants to hear that. But I'm not here to fluff it up, as you know, right. It's not about how special you are. It's about them having control, then validating themselves, then getting admiration and love or any type of googoo and gaga over them and reassurance it's all about them. So don't forget that as we head into going over all of the lovely ways they tried to keep you and what you can do to mitigate that hey friends welcome to the but still she thrives podcast I'm Christie date adoring wife, adoptive mama empowerment coach and Queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you're sick of feeling not good enough questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no. And the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You want to feel confident take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that Venti Mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I gotcha. I want to help you that is what I am here for it is my specialty. And I am giving $20 off your first call for limited time. It's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there. And you can sign up over at bit.ly/first coachingcall. I would love to help you. Okay, so let's dive in number one hoovering. It is just what it sounds like it is vacuuming, you back up in these ways. So first love bombing, okay, so that's one of their go to things. It's, you know, it works on a lot of victims who are empathetic, who are loving and nurturing. Because when they feel love, they give love, right? If you're one of those people, you know, and they can suck you in, by showering you with love with presence with all the good feelings and suck you back in. Part of hoovering can also be this is a tougher one. But feigning crisis, basically, faking a crisis may be really causing a crisis. And that can go as deep and as dark as suicide attempts, or faking suicide attempts can be a tactic. Another is smear campaigns, smear campaigns is when you have gotten away from them. And they have no control over you anymore, you've really released. And so they are going to try to smear your name to other people, they will lie about you, they will expose things about you you didn't want exposed. And this is all in order to suck up all of your time, energy and attention. So the trick, which is a hard thing, and for me in the beginning was very hard for me, because I'm a good person. And let's say with the smear campaign, which actually happened that turned into me being like, like, oh goodness, I have to defend my name right? Like I have to defend my name this stuff isn't true. And that does take up time and energy. So I've gotten to a point in general where you have to let it go and trust that the people that love you and know you will not believe the smear campaign. So that's just in reference to that and the other things, obviously are a little harder with things such as the faking crisis and love bombing, but we'll get to mitigating at the end of this episode. Number two telling you you are soulmates meant to be together. They just make you feel so special and that's so sweet. No, it's bullshit is what it is okay. They will make broken promises, which you've probably already experienced, but somehow they brainwash you into forgetting those broken promises, and you somehow still have hope that they will keep their promises. They've come around, they'll change, right? But they will make you feel needed. And here's the kicker, guys, when you are someone like us who has probably become codependent on an abuser, you want to feel needed by them. And yes, that's not healthy, kind of twisted. But let's all be very, very transparent here. We're very transparent here on this podcast. Okay? So we want to feel needed to a lot of people want to feel needed, you know, to a point, we might have a little unhealthier version of that where with this specific person, especially, we want to feel needed, and we want to feel special, and they know how to turn it over. And yeah, they'll abuse you make you feel like crap, but they're gonna switch that over and make you feel real good and real special as well. Right. So that's part of the codependency, which we will tap into in another episode. So you're attracted to feeling important and needed. And in a healthy relationship. Let's make this very crystal clear. Okay, I'm in one now. So I know the difference. Okay. You will feel true love and nice treatment during the relationship consistently. Okay? Not when the narcissist or abuser needs their fill, not when they need the attention, not when they're just desperate to get you back under their control. Okay, a healthy relationship does not look like that a healthy relationship, whether it is a friendship, whether it is like I'm talking about with me and my husband, it feels loving, it feels uplifting, you might have your shit, nobody's perfect. But you are consistently reassured and feel good about your relationship and feel loved. And don't have to walk on eggshells. If you have not listened to episode two, you can refer back to that to see the different signs of a toxic person. If you haven't checked that out, go check it out after this one. Number three, they will tell you you can't do this on your own. You need me they kind of go back to that knowledge of knowing you want to feel needed and loved right. And they will get into that vulnerable spot and dance around in it. Oh, let me be here for you. Right, they're going to kind of twist it into this, maybe let me be helpful. You can lean on me, they may say, Oh, I'm just gonna be here for you as a friend I understand. Right. So they can drag you back in by playing with your heartstrings in that way, knowing that you are in a very vulnerable place. They know exactly what to say and do okay, these people, I don't know if I want to call them as smart. But they're calculated right? So they know exactly how to get you in, they know those soft spots you have they've already brainwashed you while you were in the relationship. And they are trying to regain that control again. Again, it's not about them truly wanting to be with you. It is always about their need for control. Can we take a minute right there because when you realize that it's tough, it's hard. No one wants to think that. But it does eventually make it easier to get out of their grip knowing that number four, they will blame you and try convincing you that you cause them caused them to act a certain way. Okay, I'm sure you're familiar with this, if you have been through abuse, I would say 99.9% have been blamed. Okay, we're gonna throw it in 100% and if you could just be less sensitive, right? Does this sound familiar? If you could just be more understanding or patient? If you just weren't so crazy, your relationship would be fine. You guys would be fine. This is you. Right? So they are going to point their finger at you and say look, if you can get your shit together I'll take you back we can make this work I want it to work I know we're meant to be can go back to that right by the way, a lot of these reasons are stacked together in their in their plan to get you back right. So this is a big part of it. The blaming, you know the they blame you during the relationship but they will still blame you after and spin it in a way to try to steal convince you that you're at fault. So if you can just fix you and work on you, they'll even take you back and that's sweet of them. So sweet. So sweet. Okay, number five. They will check if they can gain control by sending what we call breadcrumbs that they can customize to your liking. Okay, so you're probably familiar with this if you're on the other side. Then throwing some little breadcrumbs at you. These include funny inside joke, little memes GIFs. If you're are a funny person, they're gonna throw in the funny stuff you love donuts, maybe you'll see a nice fresh box of Krispy Kremes on your doorstep with a little heart on it. So sweet. Not so sweet and the donuts are sweet. I'll say that. But the intentions behind the donuts are not sweet again, they are selfish and controlling. Do you guys have a little love song? Don't be surprised if that shows up in your text message, a little link to your song with maybe a little sad face or a little heart, they are going to get in to your vulnerable spots your emotions because odds are your sweet person, you're an empath. You have a big heart and they know that. So now these things are appearing on your text tugging at your little empathetic heartstrings and it's all a not good motivation that is leading that it is not because they value you. It's because they are trying to control you. Okay, so what do we do with all this? There's no, actually I think there is one one answer. However, it's not always that cut and dry. As you know, when you're dealing with abusers, especially anyone who's violent, it goes deep. So please send in any questions. Again, fierce mama see@gmail.com If you have specific questions, because this is always going to be an over arching general, you know, tips and answers on how to deal with the abusive situations. But sometimes we can get into more specifics if you write to me yourself with a question. So there are ways to mitigate these things. I will always scream from the mountaintops, the number one way to avoid getting sucked in is to completely cut them off, you're out of the situation, cut them off. I know. Again, I will go back to if you are somebody who has children together your co parenting, not as easy okay? This though is the long run easiest way listen to episode two again for more information on that. So another very successful mitigation against all of these is what we call the gray rock method. I will go into this method in detail. I think I'll probably have its own little cute episode tied up with a little red bow because it's one of my favorite things that I learned through my own journey. What is it? What's a gray rock method? It is exactly what it sounds for. I love it Hoover and Greg rock, it's not rocket science. You sit there like a damn rock, you don't respond you do not take the bait. You don't soak it in, that's probably the hardest part to not let it in. But most importantly first step is ignoring don't let them get to you Don't take the bait This is a harder long term because they do not give up quickly. These are some very stubborn mofos out here and they can beat you down you can get beaten down manipulated mine screwed. And next thing you know you're just meeting them as friends for coffee. No, don't meet them for coffee. If you can't completely cut them off ignore whatever you can if you are in a legal situation co parenting you make it a written statement they are only to contact you regarding the children you know have a history you can get restraining orders with specifics I believe I will have experts on here to discuss this stuff further. But there needs to be boundaries in place. Okay. Again, my suggestion is run do not walk to the nearest emotional exit and regain your peace if you do not have that option. I mean legally or whatever if there is truly no other option than cutting off because that's my number one then the gray rock method is what you do you ignore anything that let's say again isn't relative to you know, swapping the kids on the weekend or whatever you have to do. If this is just somebody you're having a hard time disconnecting to really sit with this episode, maybe listen to it a couple of times and write out what is hard and what you can do during that time. Let's say you're having trouble because they are smear campaigning you how can you get support, right? Tell someone close to ignore their smear block them. If they have people on let's say your social media, and they're contacting you I know this stuff actually happens I have clients who are bombarded by family members who have been lied to block them you've got to not let all the crazy in you have to put a block on it and protect yourself you know your truth the people who are important in your life who love you and know you are going to believe you and I get that can be hard. But I will say from my own experience all the people even people who were lied to even just convinced that I was the one in the wrong I was breaking up the family which makes zero sense. Even those people came around essentially. So have faith and trust. That's another thing Being I know God person if you're a god person, pray and have faith and ask God for guidance. If not, if you're like you how the moon at night cool I love a good wolf Full Moon there was just one the other night. Beautiful you can you can talk to your moon, your Moon Shadow all your spirit guides and say I need some help. Or you can just talk to human, your bestie a therapist, a life coach like myself, find support. This is a very, very hard road but you're on it. If you're listening to this podcast, you're doing something about it. And that's the first step and I'm very proud of you. And don't forget that you deserve love. You deserve a happy life and not just skating by not just getting by not surviving but you deserve to thrive. I will leave you with that. I love you. I see you and don't forget your Smooches and deuces girl, if you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling competent, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do. This is my specialty. It's what I love and I can help you more quickly than you think. If you want to grab a call with me I am offering $20 off of the first call. And there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested. And you can find me over at bit.ly/first coachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving to thriving because you deserve to be the queen you have always been let's chat.

 

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Hey Queens!

In today's episode, we will talk about 5 things that helped me heal more quickly in my narcissistic abuse recovery. 

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TRANSCRIPTION

Speaker 1: (00:00) Hello Queens. I'm so excited you are here. Today we're gonna talk about five things to do at the start of your healing from abuse journey. So whether you are in it and trying to claw your way out, or you are kind of on the other side and starting to heal, or you've been on the outside for a little bit, but still feeling like you just have a lot of work to do. These are some of the things, some tips that I myself did at the beginning of my journey and wanna share with you all. Speaker 1: (00:38) Hey friends, welcome to the, but still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I gotcha. I wanna help you. That is what I am here for. It is my specialty and I am giving $20 off your first call for a limited time. Speaker 1: (01:31) Um, it's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there and you can sign up over at bit.ly/firstcoachingcall. I would love to help you. So we're touching on some basic tips today. Sometimes when we're in abusive situations or even after leaving them, we don't really see just how abusive they were or are and just what a huge effect they can have on us. We're so used to having the finger pointed at us, can I get a amen? Can I get a what, what ? That? We sometimes do the same thing to ourselves so we can blame ourselves. Think we aren't worthy, feel hopeless in the end, right? But I have good news. It's not your fault. You're not crazy. You are valuable, you're worthy, you're loved, and there is hope. So when I was still in my abusive situation, it, I just didn't realize it was actually even abuse. Speaker 1: (02:29) Like I wouldn't even say that word. I was kind of in denial about it. Uh, it was kind of all I knew and I thought it was just how life was. It actually took a friend of mine who saw it with her own eyes. It took her letting me know that this was like not normal at all. Her reaction finally shook me into being like, oh, this ain't right, . So it still took years for me to get brave enough to remove this person from my life and a while after that, just to see how deep the damage was. And during the abuse, I felt crazy, right? You're questioning yourself and I'm sure a lot of you can relate to that. And afterwards, I continued to question myself. That is something that I didn't expect. I kind of, once I got out of the situation, felt relief. Speaker 1: (03:22) But something I realized that could happen was questioning myself, getting guilt and harassed by the abuser, which I eventually totally cut off and then guilted by other people. Okay? And that was tough, and I hope you cannot relate to that, but I know many of you will be able to, and I'm going to do an entire episode on this because this was heart wrenching and like blew my world up when it happened because it felt just so isolating and just I finally felt relief and then immediately was getting guilt from family members, uh, multiple, multiple family members, aka a his enablers, um, told me I was ruining the family. I needed to fix things. And that basically I, I was the problem, right? I had to fix this problem and it was on me. Not that he was abusive, right? That was just him. That's still, that's just him, right? Speaker 1: (04:21) Very dismissive. So again, we're getting into the whole dismissive part we talked about in this last episode, and it can run in families. These traits can run in family members and you might see those patterns. So we won't get too far into that, but I wanted to mention that to you just because that is part of the healing journey you may have to deal with as well. I remember, I mean, ugly crying, like nobody needs to see that face, that mascara running, that just the ugly cry, ugly crying on the bathroom floor. One day after I told one family member that I was going to get a restraining order on the abuser and they said I could not do that to him. That's where we need a whole episode, because that is so backwards and messed up. And we are the ones, the victims who should be protected. Speaker 1: (05:13) And when the abuser is protected, it really is heart-wrenching. And unless you experience it, you don't know. But if you know, you know, and you're with me and you're feeling it, and it, it's not a good feeling, but we're gonna touch all that. So after that, I, I went straight to therapy. I was like laying on the couch, hand me the tissues because I've gotta be strong and I need support. So I got some help and started, you know, going in the right direction, being strong. And here's just some of the things that, the tools that I got from my therapist and just kind of doing my own research and my own coping mechanisms, if you will, . But there were five things, there were a lot of things, but the five things that I wanted to share today that I, I did in the beginning of my healing journey was first recognizing the bigness of it because it was way bigger than I realized. Speaker 1: (06:06) Not just the the actual abuse, but the actual healing and the damage that had been done. So you might need to take a minute to really recognize like this is a big deal and validate yourself. Get validation from someone you trust close to you. Like with my husband, I had to talk to him about it, um, and my best friend and I had a good support system. And I also, like I said, I got a therapist, um, because not even my husband or my best friend had been through what I had and my therapist did go through abuse herself. So I felt like she could really get it. And giving yourself grace, knowing this is huge and this, it might take me some time and, and I might take a step back or I might have really hard days, but you're going to keep moving forward. Speaker 1: (06:54) You just keep strong. Number two, journaling the out of my experience, basically, which was tough. This is not fun. This is not for the fan of heart, but actually pen to paper, I take it back, no pen to paper. I put it in my computer where I could lock it up and nobody could see it, where I just journaled my experience and what happened. And that was truly therapeutic for me. I did shed some tears. It was hard to write it out, to say it out loud to even though it was to myself saying things out loud that I never really reflected on, I didn't wanna think about. Um, and that's something you can do in therapy if you feel like you need more support. I did a lot of it on my own, but I also talked to my therapist about some of it. Speaker 1: (07:41) But with her, I focused on, I like to go forward and, and, you know, start from now. So I did a lot of the other work that digging work myself, but it's up to you how you handle and what you can deal with. Everybody's totally different. So journaling though is very therapeutic, so I highly suggest that. Number three, yoga. Funny story. I did hip hop dance my whole life. Yep. I'm gangsta. Me and Snoop doing it up. Um, I hated anything slow. I I quit ballet. It was too slow. I did yoga little I tried in my twenties and was just like, this is slow. I'm bored. But I knew that I had to kind of reset my nervous system. Your nervous system after abuse gets shook. I'm telling you, if you give yoga a chance, and part of it is I think we're just not used to that much calm and it's freaky give yoga a chance. Speaker 1: (08:42) They do have hot yoga and faster yoga. I was like, I'm going for the slowest yoga I can do. I did yin yoga, I still danced, so it's not like I gave that up. I did dance, but I also knew I need something really calming. Asa did meditation. So the yoga was called yin yoga. Now I loved it so much. I teach it and it is amazing. It takes some getting used to, to slow down that much if you're not used to it, but it truly calms your nervous system. So give it a chance. Let, don't just try it once or twice. Really try to do it for a month and you'll, you'll see the benefits and you'll wanna continue. And like I said, meditation as well. Something calming. Alright, surrounding yourself, sorry. Number four, surrounding yourself with healthy, positive people. Okay, this one's huge. Speaker 1: (09:37) A lot of us who have dramatic upbringings or just, you know, kind of chaotic environments or we used to fast paced this and that and, you know, some abusive chaos, whatever you wanna call it, also tend to attract people that are dramatic or are in similar situations. Um, we can attract each other. I found that I had chosen some friends that I had to walk on eggshells around or were controlling, right? So I had to really evaluate who I was hanging out with, surrounding myself with and adjust accordingly. Basically, I did remove a couple of friends from my life after realizing that I wasn't being treated as well as I would like. I'm not saying you gotta go hack off all your friendships. Um, I had specific situations where it became prominent that it just wasn't a good fit for friendship anymore and good luck. Speaker 1: (10:41) No bad feelings, but I just had to distance myself hopefully. And I also had some great friends that I had and I still have, and hopefully you have some great people to surround yourself with, but let's go through what healthy positive people look like. And this did leave more room in my life for those people. So people that are not gossipers, that are not always talking about other people, that's, that's healthy, right? Talking about growth and happy things. And I mean, it could be a surface level of just talking about, you know, fun things like what movies you're watching are going shopping together. And then there are the people that you can lean on each other, but it's not always so heavy or gossipy, right? So it needs to be a good balanced person that you have in your life. Multiple people and people that really lift you up, right? Speaker 1: (11:35) The cheerleader types. I have a couple people in my life that I mean are, are really like cheerleaders for me. And it felt really weird at first because I wasn't used to that. I was used to being criticized a lot and it was so refreshing but also felt almost uncomfortable because I wasn't used to it. Definitely surround yourself with uplifting cheerleader type people that are going to make you feel good about yourself. Cuz it, we deserve it. this last one. Super simple, but that's okay. Like we need simple guys. We need simple. After all the we've been through, we deserve simple, positive affirmations. You've probably heard it, maybe it sounds hokey. I don't care. It's simple and it actually works. This is something I did right away on my journey. I actually recorded my own voice saying, I mean I probably had 25 positive affirmations going on in the beginning of all this. Speaker 1: (12:39) Um, and if you need help setting up some affirmations or you want some of mine, I have some I can send to you. So write me at fierce mama. See gmail.com. Fierce mama see gmail.com. This is all in the show notes, always, um, all my information. So positive affirmations, it really does help you rewire your brain. Yes, you, you know, doing the other work and the therapy and all the things helps, but I found they really, really did help me every morning and every night I would play on, it was just on my iPhone, on my memo notes there, whatever you call 'em, the little voice recording. And I would listen to it right when I woke up and then right before I went to sleep every night, sometimes I'd fall asleep. I'd put it like on a loop and it really did have an impact because the first thing you do when you wake up, you can start going into negative thoughts, right? Speaker 1: (13:34) So replacing that with positive thoughts. And then same thing, your mind could be spinning at night, right? You have all these swirling to-do lists on top of this negative self-talk you may have from the abuse. And replacing that, being forced to listen to positive affirmations really help me and I know it'll help you too. Another thing, if you're a God person, which I am, praise him, go jc. prayer really helped, it's helped me on this journey. It's helped me in everything in my life. I always say like the, the closer I am to God, I've had phases or I've always been close and pray. And, but when I'm like really talking to God here and there throughout the day, having my little side note prayers and morning and night maybe, um, doing devotionals. When I'm in those like really heavy God seasons of my life, which should be always, I get it, but you know, I'm human. Speaker 1: (14:32) That is when I feel the best and I thrive even more in my life. So big props to the big g o d. If you're a God person, if you're a universe person, whatever, I don't, I don't care what it is. Your higher power that you believe in, lean on, lean on that it is there for that reason. And I, I couldn't have gotten through that journey without not just God, but also having faith. Just having faith that yes, I've been through this, but I'm strong enough to get through this and I'm going to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and walk this path and believe that this is where I'm supposed to be, like it or not. And I'm gonna be in a better place soon. So those are my little tips for you that I, as you know, some of the things like I said that I did to help myself and got me through. Speaker 1: (15:31) And if you have questions or comments, like I said, you can email me fiercemamac@gmail.com And I will see you in the next episode. Smooches and dueces. Girl, if you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love. And I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over at bit.ly/firstcoachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving the thriving cuz you deserve to be the queen you have always been. Let's chat.

 

 

*Top 5% in podcasts globally

Hey Queens!

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

---------

In today's episode, we will talk about the tell-tale signs of a toxic person and how to end toxic relationships. Spoiler alert: you don't owe abusers ANYTHING! 

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https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse

 

And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 

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Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!

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TRANSCRIPTION

Speaker 1: (00:00) Hey Queens. I am so excited you're here today. I'm gonna talk about the top five signs of a toxic person and how to get rid of them. Cuz guess what? We don't like 'em. We don't want toxic people around. Newsflash. That's why we're here, right? Okay. Toxic people are most likely abusive, okay? That is a majority of them are abusive and emotional abuse is often dismissed because there isn't that physical proof like there is with physical abuse. However, it can be just as damaging as physical abuse. And many of you know this, some of you are just figuring this out, and we're gonna dive in to those signs of toxic people and how to get rid of them. Speaker 1: (00:44) Welcome to the, but still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. If you need help healing from an abusive situation or even leaving an abusive situation, you can grab a call with me. It's $20 off your first empowerment coaching call with me over at Bitly, that's bit.ly/firstcoachingcall. I would love to help. Speaker 1: (01:42) Okay, so let's dive in. The five signs of emotional abuse from these toxic people. First of all, they criticize and judge you. They can even pass it off as joking or turn it around and tell you, you are just sensitive, right? I'm here to tell you it is not normal behavior to be constantly criticized and judged by anyone. These people do it as a power play. And if you feel like you have to even ask, are these people always critical of me? The answer's probably yes, and that is a very good sign, right? So you're not too sensitive, you're not crazy, you're a human being with normal emotions and they're messing with you. So we're gonna, we're gonna say a big note of that one, okay? The next sign, they do not respect your boundaries. And you might notice they don't respect other people's boundaries as well, or privacy. Speaker 1: (02:39) So these people are very entitled and really don't give a rat's about what you want. Plain and simple. Often abusers are very controlling. They care about themselves and their needs over everyone else. They often really target people pleasers, people who are very over accommodating so that it is easier to control you so they can cross your boundaries without losing you. Okay? So if you feel like you tell them your feelings or you ask them not to do something and they keep on doing it, or they invade your privacy, that is definitely a red flag. Next, they are controlling and possessive, okay? Everything has to be their way. You literally fear speaking up to them or doing things your way because of the wrath that will come. I know when I went through my abusive situation, I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells. Speaker 1: (03:42) I was scared to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing at all times because I had that constant fear of if I did that, what is to come? Usually emotional abuse for me, there was physical abuse as well, right? So if you are feeling like you are afraid to speak up because of what their reaction will be, that's another telltale sign that you are being emotionally abused. Another sign is they are manipulative and gaslight you. If you don't know what gaslighting is, and an upcoming episode, I am going to be covering all the narcissistic tendencies and gaslighting all of this verbiage for you guys. Um, but plain and simple gaslighting in a nutshell is kind of making you feel crazy and like you're the crazy one. You're at fault making you believe things that aren't true. Switching things around, there's, it's, it's kind of a layered, a layered behavior that they do. Speaker 1: (04:42) But in the end, they manipulate and turn things to look not as they are. And in turn, you feel like you are going crazy, but you're not the crazy one, okay? They know how to get you, these people know you. They know how to push your buttons. They know how to get in, you know, play with your heartstrings and get in there. They know how to persuade you and make you think you're nuts. Again, you're not right. So that is a definite sign. If you feel like you're questioning yourself because you could have sworn X, y, Z happened and they say it went this way and they're believable. That's where it can get tricky because you question yourself. So a lot of these traits will add up together and you'll realize you have been the victim of emotional abuse. And so the last one we're gonna talk about today, these are not all of them, but just five big ones, is that they dismiss your feeling. Speaker 1: (05:38) This is one of my own triggers from my years of being abused, is if I feel dismissed Now, even though I'm on kind of this other side and healed a lot, there's still a little trigger in me that feels like, oh, I just, I feel dismissed and like I don't matter. And it kind of pokes at that wound, okay? At the end of the day, again, they care about one person themselves, not you, not your feelings, not your desires. They will dismiss you and your feelings and they don't feel bad about it. This can get tricky and we'll do another episode about it, but where especially narcissists and just controlling abusers will be able to fake apologies if they are desperate. Usually they won't own up or be self-aware, but if they're in a desperate situation where they need to fill their own need to either keep you in a relationship or have you not, you know, tell anyone and not they don't wanna look in a bad light, they care what other people think of them, then they may do an apology and pretend to care about your feelings. Speaker 1: (06:42) But overall, you get the feeling they don't really care about your feelings unless it is of a benefit to them. Okay, so you've evaluated, maybe you've checked all those lovely boxes, , and you're like, yeah, this is where I'm at, or this is where I was and now I'm recovering and we'll get into that in, in this podcast as a whole. But this is, you know, for everyone to just kind of validate because we often aren't validated. So these signs are for our own validation or to evaluate if you're currently in a situation. So if you have not gotten out of your situation and you're in it, we're gonna talk about how to, you know, get rid of the toxic person. If you're on the other side, sometimes we're still somewhat connected to the person or they're, they still have somewhat of a hold on us. Speaker 1: (07:32) I know it can be very complicated. So let's just dive into the general ways to get rid of this, these toxic people. And if you have any further questions or you want me to cover something specific, you can always email me at fiercemamac@gmail.com . Okay? Keep in mind this will depend on who the person is, your situation, are you living with them? Is it a spouse, is it a family member? Maybe there's younger viewers that are living with someone. So it can get complicated. That's why, again, I'd love you to send me emails with specific questions I can touch on. And uh, we can go from there. So this is kind of a generalized view and tip, okay? So if it's someone you live with and is urgent or risky, abusive situation, okay? Where you have fear for yourself, for your livelihood, I do encourage you to call the domestic abuse hotline at 1 800 7 9 9 7 2 3 3. Speaker 1: (08:30) Okay? I wanna first put that out there because you're in a situation like that, it's more urgent and you may need some deeper support and you can get free support. So I wanna offer that there, okay? If you are in a less risky, risky situation, this could be, you know, it may be someone you live with, but they're not violent. Um, you know, and you're not fearing for your life or anything like that. Or it could be a friendship, it could be, you know, your aunt, it could be one of your parents, one of your siblings. These are some general tips and they're kind of simple, but sometimes it doesn't feel so simple when you're in it. So I understand that. All right, so number one, evaluate if you need to have a conversation or can just bolt baby bolt , because some people we know will not respond well. Speaker 1: (09:17) They just, especially if it's an abusive person, let's be honest, they don't normally hear your side. They make excuses, you know, they're either going to deflect, turn it around, they're going to be abusive, yell, get themselves out of the situation, ignore you, dismiss your feelings. All the things we kind of talked about, why are you're here in the first place, right? And in those situations it's, it's best to just go quietly and quickly. You don't have to have a conversation. And this leads me to a very important sentence. Write it in like bright pink, sparkly marker across your forehead on a mirror somewhere. Okay? I need you to hear this. You do not owe abusers anything. I don't care who they are, I don't care who they are. Someone who is abusive to you, you do not owe them anything. Even a conversation. They have hurt you most likely, intentionally, most likely over and over. Speaker 1: (10:17) You don't owe them anything. So they often come after people pleasers or get away with abuse because they are with someone who is more passive and they know this and people pleasers accept, right? We've kind of accepted things as we go. There's through this abuse and we often are tricked to feeling like we do owe them something somehow, or we're, we are in fear, but we don't owe them anything. Okay? So shake that people pleaser, guilt, shake it, shake it like a Polaroid picture, whatever you gotta do and run fast. Now on the other side of things, if it is, let's say a friend that maybe, you know, they just don't treat you totally right? You feel like maybe they're toxic, maybe a couple of those things are checked on the list, the signs, then you can evaluate whether you wanna have a conversation. I would, if it's a toxic person, I wouldn't, I wouldn't get together in person, honestly. Speaker 1: (11:12) I would keep it to a phone conversation where you have a little more control, it's easier to just hang up. If you have to hang up. You can, you can script it out if you need to. You can just have one sentence. You wanna say like, look, I care about you and everything, but this friendship just isn't working out for me. Sometimes you have to be blunt. Maybe if it's too hard for you to be blunt, I've always been able to be a little more blunt than others. So these conversations tend to be a little easier for me. I am going to have a special guest that is going to help us have these conversations in a much more, um, soft and nice manner, but still to the point and in a, a safe way that you can get out of the situation and out of the conversation. Speaker 1: (11:57) Um, so I will have her on because my specialty is not sugarcoating . So that being said, you don't have to have the conversation at all. If you're not comfortable and someone's been abusive to you, you do not owe them anything. Okay? And some may disagree with that, but that's probably because they're on the end of the spectrum of being a people pleaser and probably been kind of wired that way by someone in their life where they feel like they have to be at someone's beck and call. They have to explain everything and overexplain everything. And that's just not the situation. And if you need support, again, I am here for that. So let's go to the next one. This is really hard for some people. Block them on social media, on the phone, the text, the phone, whatever communication you have, block it. This can be hard even if they are toxic af, right? Speaker 1: (12:53) If this person is emotionally abusive, again, they know how to work you and them having access to contacting you, they'll find a reason to pry that can open with a little can opener. That's how I always picture it. Like it just got this little space and they pry and you think, oh, it's just a little contact. Cuz they had to ask if they could get their jacket back, okay? Mm-hmm. , because they will stick that can open in and pop it right open and dive in. And we're trying to get their little paws off you, okay? Far, far away. So you have to block access to you. Th don't think this is a mean thing to them, right? Because that's where our brains can go. No, this is about protecting yourself. You say you want peace in your life and you don't block them. That doesn't align, right? Speaker 1: (13:39) Think about that. If you want peace in your life and you're allowing an abusive person to have contact with you, that does not make sense. It doesn't. They, those two can't live together in the same space. If you are someone who has to have contact because you have children together, you co-parent something of that sort, yes. Obviously that's a different situation and that's something more customized where I can talk to you about that. Either if you write me an email or, or we do coaching together. So there are different, obviously extenuating circumstances, but in general, blocking is the best way to keep protection around you and keep the peace. Now the other thing is seeking help. There is no shame in the healing from abuse game. Okay? It is, it's one of the things we can go through. It's awful, right? So you deserve support. Speaker 1: (14:29) I recommend a therapist or a coach like myself of course, and one of which who has had experience with abuse themselves. I don't know if all will be open to discuss that, but you are welcome to ask therapists, ask life coach. I'm an open book, obviously, you know, I've been through it because I've found even with my own therapy, my own life coaches in my life, that nobody really gets it unless they've been through it. That has been my experience. So it's my preference to work with somebody who has absolutely gone through similar abuse so they can understand the ins and outs of it. All right? And finally, stay strong, right? Hold onto your boundaries, stay strong. You got this. Build the support system around you. If you need it to stay strong and give yourself grace, you will have hiccups. You might have step backwards, steps backwards, some kind of backwards, okay? , Speaker 1: (15:26) Give yourself grace because it's tough, but you're tougher. So stay strong, give yourself grace and you got this. Remember, you deserve a happy life. You deserve to thrive. Not just get by, but actually thrive and be happy and full of joy. And if you're not there, we will get you there together. And on the next episode, I'm going to talk about some things that I did in the beginning of my healing journey. Once I was out of the situation, some things that helped me kind of get over that hump and into a new beautiful life. So tune in next week, Speaker 1: (16:07) Girl. If you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love. And I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and they're only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested. And you can find me over bit.ly/firstcoachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving to thriving cuz you deserve to be the queen you have always been. Let's chat.

You can still love them… and still need distance. In this 5-minute guided meditation, we gently release the guilt, grief, and “should-haves” that come with estranged or toxic relationships—especially those involving narcissistic parents, siblings, or partners.

This is your moment to reconnect with peace, honor your heart, and remember that walking away doesn’t mean you didn’t love—it means you finally started loving you.

Press play, take a breath, and let go with grace, Queen. 💛

Wanna take your boundary game to the next level?

Grab my Empowered Boundaries Course https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

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💌 Questions? Email me anytime — I got you: FierceMamaC@gmail.com

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*Top 5% in podcasts globally

Hey Queens!

I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

 

In today's introductory episode, I share a little about me and what you can expect in the But Still, She Thrives Podcast. 

 

I know many of you who have (or are going through) an abusive situation feel not good enough, don't feel loved, and maybe you feel like you are running on empty or lost.

 

As a narcissistic abuse victim, I have been through it and done the leg work so I can help accelerate your healing journey. This is my purpose and my specialty with women...taking them from surviving to thriving.

 

You will find tools, resources, support groups, expert chats and my  wild and no BS self lifting you up along the journey! You are amazing and deserve to feel that way. You got this, queen!

 

Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!

My 4 MINUTE meditation:

https://christyjade.ck.page/insider

 

Join me and other like-minded women on my free private Facebook Group Page at:

https://bit.ly/ChristyJade

 

GRAB $20 off your first 60 minute coaching call with me:

https://bit.ly/FIRSTCOACHINGCALL

 

Have trouble setting boundaries in your life? Grab my E-Course here:

https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse

 

And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;) 

https://www.christyjade.com/

 

Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!

fiercemamac@gmail.com  

Let's connect on social media!

My Instagram

My TikTok

---------------------------------------

TRANSCRIPTION:

(00:03):

Hey friends, welcome to the, But Still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christy, Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in.

(00:43):

Welcome to my first episode of, but Still She Thrives. I'm so excited, so excited. If you don't know me, I get excited easily, but I'm super excited about this. All right, so I know you're like, well, we're talking about abuse. Don't get too excited. But I'm excited because I get to help women every day in my coaching and I'm hyper focusing on women who have been through abuse, some who are actively in an abusive situation. Um, so I wanted to come on here, tell you a little about myself, about what to expect in this podcast, and I'm just thrilled that you are listening. So I just wanna dive in a little bit about me. My name is Christy. I am 42. How did that even happen? I don't know. . And I am an adoring wife of an awesome, awesome husband. Surprised with all the crap I went through.

(01:34):

I picked a good one. So there is hope out there. Okay, . And then I have a beautiful, amazing daughter that I adapted at birth and she's eight years old now. And I have, as far as career, I worked in television production, which was awesome. I taught kids. I am obsessed with kids. I love them, they're so fun. And I have now landed to empowering women through life coaching. I'm specifically an empowerment coach for women, focusing mostly on women who have been through abusive situations and are trying to heal, get through, get coping mechanisms, get their confidence and their power back, live in peace. And sometimes we think we have to settle because we've been through a lot. Um, and we don't have to. And I can promise you, you can go from feeling like you're surviving or just on the other end of surviving to thriving.

(02:33):

And I myself can relate to this journey. I went through years of abuse. Um, I won't be getting into all those nitty gritty details on today's story, but I will say, um, I was a victim of narcissistic abuse, which I will talk a lot about and a lot of you will be able to relate to that. I know I have an audience that has been through or are going through narcissistic, abusive situations, so I will definitely be tapping into all of that and having some experts on to discuss that more in depth too. The hard part about abuse is sometimes we don't even realize we're we're really being abused or how bad it is because our minds get so twisted up and we are told by the abuser that we're crazy or we caused it or deserve it. There's so much backward stuff that happens with abuse that hopefully, you know, but some people don't.

(03:32):

Maybe one of these episodes will just grab them and they'll listen and, and realize what's happening. So, um, if you know anyone who is going through something you might think is abusive, you can certainly pass any of these episodes along to them to help out. So on this podcast, I will be addressing especially how to deal with abuse after the fact. I will talk about signs of abuse and we will get into that evaluating if you're in an abusive relationship. And a lot of my focus will be on after you are out of a situation. What now? Because it does not end the, the damage is not over. When you leave the abusive situation, yes, you're out of it, that's great, but there is still a a long way to go and I think it can be overwhelming for a lot of people. I myself felt great relief, but there was a lot that came afterwards.

(04:26):

There was a lot of things I had to uncover. There was shame, there was guilt, there was still dealing with the lack of confidence and questioning myself. There was just, there's so much to unpack. It's a lot. It can be very overwhelming. You know, after I got out of my abusive situation, there was, well, there was a lot of wine. First of all, and I get an amen. Um, and there was a lot of soul searching. There was some therapy reversing negative, just negative beliefs about myself. There was just a lot of rewiring I kind of had to do and tools I had to learn and actively decide to use. So yes, it can be overwhelming, but there are so many great things and there are awesome people in the world that can help you along the journey. And when you remove abuse from your life, you make space so much more space for beautiful people and beautiful things.

(05:23):

So it is really tough, but it's doable. And I did a lot of the legwork and that's why I want to help women move more quickly over to the other side of the fence, right? We're not gonna heal overnight. It's not a magic wand, but it can go way more quickly than you think when you have somebody who has already done the work like myself, that can walk you through a lot of this stuff. So I'm super excited to help you guys and share more of my journey in these coming episodes. I am so glad this podcast is finally here. It has been like months in the making, so I'm so excited and we're gonna have some fun. And that might sound crazy cuz I know abuse isn't fun. It was one of the hardest things in my entire life, but it led me to here to help other people, which I'm grateful for.

(06:11):

And I also know that just because we've gone through a lot doesn't make us have to settle. It doesn't make it that we can't have a beautiful, thriving life. And you deserve to feel good. You deserve a happy life. You deserve better than mediocre, just like skating through the day. That's a low bar. We're not gonna do that here, . Okay? We're gonna, we're gonna raise your bar, we're going to help heal. We're going to have tools, we're gonna learn, we're gonna have fun. And you're gonna be a badass queen, okay? At the end of this, that's what this podcast is. I don't care where you've been, you're gonna be a badass queen and I'm gonna be right here lifting you up along the way. All right? I'm so excited. Once again, if you have any questions, fierce mama c gmail.com. I'd love to hear from you. Just say hello and if you wanna join my free Facebook group that's gonna be filled with women just like you, come find us at Bitly, that's bit.ly/christyjade . Come find us. We're gonna hang out. I'm gonna have little videos and all the fun and v i p pricing for my coaching. So go over there. Once again, Bitly bit.ly/christyJade , thank you so much for listening and I will talk to you in the next episode.

(07:37):

Girl, if you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love. And I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over@ bit.ly/firstcoachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving the thriving cuz you deserve to be the queen you have always been. Let's chat.

Ever get a “Nobody gets me like you” text from a narcissist you tried to keep away from? Or the ol’ “I had a dream about you…” 🙄 Don’t fall for the bait, babe — it’s called hoovering, and it’s a manipulative mind game meant to suck you back in.

In this juicy, no-fluff episode, I'm breaking down exactly what narcissistic hoovering looks like (spoiler: it's NOT about love — it's about control). You'll learn:

• Why they come back just when you’re glowing up 🌟

• What “supply” really means (and why they’re desperate for yours)

• How to handle hoovering like a boundary-setting queen 👑

• My 3 Queen Rules to stay blocked, blessed, and unbothered 💅

• Plus: Affirmations to protect your energy + your peace

You are not a vending machine for their broken ego. You're a whole QUEEN. Let’s armor up, get savvy, and stay unshakably in our peace bubble. 🫧

"Grey Rock Method " Episode mentioned:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-grey-rock-method-how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist/id1662241353?i=1000648879776

Wanna take your boundary game to the next level?

Grab my Empowered Boundaries Course https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

Want to work 1:1 with Christy?

https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/

💌 Questions? Email me anytime — I got you. FierceMamaC@gmail.com

Join my free PRIVATE FACEBOOK page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989  

Free 4 Minute Mood Boost Meditation

https://christyjade.ck.page/insider   Grab your #notmyshit Journal on Amazon https://amzn.to/46dDSYk  

 

TRANSCRIPT Speaker 1 (00:00):

Hello Queens. Welcome back to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery with me, your host, Christie Jade. It is my birthday, so I'm feeling all sorts of grateful and sparkly today. So I wanted to just shout out to all of you listeners and clients, thank you. Thank you so much for being on this journey and supporting me and being a part of my peace bubble. So I hope that I've helped you maintain your peace bubble and learn how to stay in your peace bubble and spread your peace bubble. We're all about peace bubbling today. Alright, so first of all, what is that? Just checking in that I miss you. The weird birthday text. Speaking of birthdays, out of nowhere, if you have been no contact or even low contact and you feel like that narcissist is trying to wiggle their way back in, that is Hoovering. It is called Hoovering. That is the name. So we're going to break it down and make sure that you are blocked, blessed, and unbothered by their hoovering. So stay close and we will dive right in.

(01:12) Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear. Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back while you're in the right place. Queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice and how to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now, I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up.

(02:11) Okay, so if you don't know what hoovering is, some of you may, some of you may not. If you don't know what exactly it is, it comes from the Hoover vacuum. Yeah, the actual vacuum, because the narcissist is trying to suck you back in after a discard or a period of silence. They usually go through these rotations of behaviors. So they will often build you up, discard you, suck you back in. It's somewhat of an abusive cycle. They may say things like, I've been thinking about you or I can't, can't stop dreaming about you. Or I had a dream about you. I've changed. Let's talk this out. Or Hey, you good, right? These little things that may seem innocent, but when you're dealing with a narcissist, there is no innocence and they all have a manipulation, some string attacked, right? There's all meaning and intention behind everything they do, and they might even go dramatic, and I've definitely had this in my past.

(03:20) The showing up unannounced, sending flowers, my flowers all came after poor treatment. That's part of the regular abuse cycle. Then you had a narcissist in all sorts of fun, pretending to be sick to get your attention or suddenly becoming spiritual or like, oh, I'm going to go to therapy, and it just is very sudden and there's a reason for that. It is because they are trying desperately to get control of you again, because if you haven't listened to all my podcasts, here's a giveaway, not a giveaway like here's some money and some flowers giveaway. But a giveaway of something that narcissists always are doing is either trying to gain control or get control back checking if they have control. It's all about control. So whenever these things happen, even if they have discarded you, they want to know they have control of you. So they're going to do all of these hoovering techniques to check and to see if they have control or if not, they're going to try to get it back through the same techniques.

(04:34) So it's not about love. It's not about really wanting you back. I'm sorry you are special, but you don't need this narcissist to make you feel that way because it's BS coming from them and it's about control. They're not actually seeking connection with you. They are seeking access. I'm going to repeat that again. They aren't seeking connection and it can be tricky. I get it. I've been there, but they are just seeking access to you, and if you let them in again, they will just restart the same manipulation cycle over and over. So don't let that shiny sparkle bait fool you. Right? What do I always say? Don't take the bait. I think I'll make t-shirts. Don't take the bait because the fish hook, it's still there. So why do they hoover? So let's say you've moved on, which most of you listening, most of who I work with are people who have moved on from an actual relationship or have moved on and are getting sucked back in and are trying to stay out.

(05:45) So you have moved on and they feel it and they hate losing their supply. If you don't know what supply is, these are energy vampires and they need supply to build their egos and to get that control. We talked about the more healed and distant you are, which they feel, they can feel that, right? They sense it, whether it's just obviously in a physical way, you're not around them, you're not answering their calls or emotionally or energetically. They can feel you going further and further. The more desperate they become. They sense that you are getting healthier. They sense that you are growing, they sense you are self caring, all of those things, and it makes their ego panic. So that's one reason why another, they are testing your boundaries. You're starting to show boundary setting. It's one of my favorite words, but it is not their favorite word.

(06:48) It is their least favorite word. They want to see if you will bite though, if they can still reel you in and know that they still have that power over you. That's a game. It is a game to them, and it ends up being a deep wound to you. You have these wounds to them, it is a game. Do not play their game, homie. Don't play that. We're not going to play their game. Okay? Number three, they're bored or they need a hit of validation. This is just slimy feeling, but it's true. So they're low on their narcissistic supply and you have been a reliable source before they go to the easiest targets. If they've already had you and they know they can have that power over, that's a lot easier than starting with someone new. So they'll come sniffing back around and it is gross and a tb gbs and we're not here for it.

(07:46) And you're better than that, right? You are not a vending machine for their broken self-worth. You are a queen. Okay? So how do you respond like this queen? What do you do? Here are my three queen rules to handle this like the powerful goddess who are all right. Number one, no response is a response. I know some of you still have that guilt where you feel like, oh, if I don't respond, no respond, I'm a bad feeling, a bad person. Or they may feel bad even though you know they're rotten. You still don't want to make anyone feel bad. They just have this pull over you. But silence is a full sentence. You do not owe them closure. You don't owe them anything. You don't owe them a response. You don't owe them kindness. You owe yourself peace. If you're in a situation where you can block them, delete them, do all of that, do it.

(08:49) That is my recommendation. If you need to work with me to get there, please reach out to me. I will put information in the show notes. Email me if the link, for some reason, a link. Last week, someone wrote me and said, my link did not work. I don't know why I have to check on that. Always email me if something doesn't work, email me. But they're usually good. I don't know what happened. So make sure, I'm so glad that they still reached out via email, so now we can work together. So I'm sorry about that. If anyone else tried to sign up and couldn't, but working one-on-one with me, we can work through a lot of this stuff that is hard to do on your own. I get it. So you need to protect your space. You deserve that. Now, number two, expect the Hoover and prepare.

(09:36) You could even keep a little Hoover folder on your phone. You could put a little vacuum emoji. Do they have a vacuum emoji? I hope so. And put screenshots of lies. They said any of their toxic behavior, chaos. You could write in your little notes section on your phone, just write notes. Things that I used to do this with an ex I had that was horrendous. I had back in my day when this was going on, I didn't really have notes and everything on my phone. Our phones weren't as efficient as they are now, and I kept a piece of paper. I remember it had 33 things on it. I still remember the number. 33 things that I could read whenever I felt like whenever he'd read. He would show up in the middle of the night with flowers. He would leave stuff on my car.

(10:24) He'd cry and leave messages and poetry, everything. So I would take this paper out and just read over and over to not get sucked back in because he had that power over me until he didn't. So that's a way to do it. Now, you don't have to carry it around in your purse. You can put it on your phone. And when you start to feel shaky, you're going to pull back into the web. Nostalgic, you remember the truth. What is the truth? It is easy for it to slip. I get it. So keep notes, screenshots. Have a little folder on your phone and just either put a spider web or a Hoover vacuum right on there. Number three, energetically shut it down. You can do affirmations. You can do somatic healing with me. But even starting with some affirmations that you repeat every day, especially in the beginning, multiple times a day, have them on your phone in that folder, right?

(11:25) I am unavailable for manipulation. My piece is protected. My energy is sacred. Say it. Feel it, believe it. Part of it is really getting those things down, and it's not overnight, but the more you do this stuff and the more hand to heart, and I know other people have gone through this and gone to the other side and gotten away, gotten out, haven't got pulled back in. It's possible. It's possible for you. If I can do it, you can do it. Trust me. It's not easy for anybody. And if you are still in contact, this is for co-parents or shared responsibilities, if you're still in contact, because you have to be, you can still do the Gray Rock Method. Some of this stuff you can use as well. But the Gray Rock Method is your bff. I will put that in the podcast notes, the description, be boring, be dry, give them nothing emotionally.

(12:33) Do not take their bait. The Great Rock method is brilliant. We love it. We love it. But that's where the power is, right? And it's hard, and you might mess up and you start over. That's okay. Don't beat yourself up. We're not perfect. But the more you practice it, the more you become that gray rock. It is one of the best tactics for narcissists because eventually they get bored. Will they come try to Hoover again? Yeah, gray rock. Gray rock, gray rock as much as you possibly can. It should be a hundred percent of the time. But again, we're not perfect. So that is a really important method here. If some of these things you can't do, if you can't totally block, which I always want to say this to my co-parents, depending on your situation, talk to your lawyer about getting on a third party app where that's the only way you communicate that should be allowed. You can add that to the addendum of your divorce decree.

(13:40) Some of my clients do email only, but there's third party apps that you can have, I think your lawyer on, and don't quote me on this, I am not a legal person. I just hear things and I pass them on. In this situation, if you want to ask me questions or you want to ask me about the apps, I can check in with other people I know for specific app names. Maybe I'll do actually an episode on that. But I am not here for legal advice. Okay? I'm throwing that out there. But I do believe if you talk to your lawyer, you can figure out a way where you do not have to have, I feel like texts are worse. People get more emotional in texts. They feel like they have more access to you. Email can be more formal. And then if you put a third party on an app, then they know they're being watched by somebody else and they either behave better or if they don't, it's right there and your lawyers see it and it's there for the courts.

(14:42) Everything's documented and saved on this app, and it's a beautiful thing. So that's just a little tip. Yeah, and tell me, you guys in my Facebook group, if you're not in it, go join it. By the way, that'll be in the description as always. Come join my Facebook group. It's private and free, but tell me in there, you can always message me on Facebook or Instagram or just write a post and tell me if you guys want more information on divorce tips, if you need that. Okay, so I know how tempting it can be to peek at the messages, wonder if they've changed or even just respond out of habit or guilt, right? But let this be your reminder. You are not who you were when they last had true access to you. You are healing, you are rising, you are glowing like a damn queen.

(15:42) You're reclaiming and it scares them, and that's good. You can let it scare them. But that's why they are grabbing back. They feel a lack of control. They feel you are stretching away from them, and it's all about the power. So if you want extra help setting powerful boundaries that stick, grab My Empowered Boundaries course. This is it's good stuff and it's packed with everything you need to keep these narcissists out. And your piece in. I'll put that link in the description. If this episode hit home, share it with the fellow queen who needs that Hoover proof armor, because we got to keep each other safe on these streets. No, let's keep each other strong. I want to help as many women as I can and men too. If there's men out there listening, great, share it with your brothers, your sisters, anybody out there?

(16:48) I would just want to help as many people as I can, be able to stay away from these toxic people and toxic relationships. You deserve so much better. So let's be before we go, let's go back to that affirmation from earlier. There's going to be three. I'm going to add the fourth because I always have to have my special one at the end. So if you're in a space where you can hands to heart, shut your eyes. Don't shut your eyes. If you're driving, take a couple deep breaths in through your nose, out through your mouth. That's called a halo breath. And breathwork is part of Somatic Healing, which I am a facilitator for. If you're interested in that, breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth, and repeat after me. I am unavailable for manipulation.

(17:48) My is protected. My energy is sacred. I'm a queen. Yes, queen, yes, queen. I love it. All right, so I want you to just let this episode really set in Hoovering. It's mind boggling, it's confusing, but remember that you are stronger than their games and they're tricks. You're seeing them now. And I'm not saying that it makes it easy, but it does make it easier. Once you see what they do more clearly and more clearly, you'll get so much smarter and stronger with this. Okay, so the little check-ins, the I miss you, the, oh, remember, here's our song. Or, oh, you're the only person I remember those texts. You're the only person who gets me, or you're the only person who would understand this. It worked okay. It worked on me many, many moons ago. Now I see right through it, but it took time. So give yourself a break. If you get pulled back and you've gone back and forth, don't beat yourself up. But you're here now. You are doing the work. I'm so proud of you and I'm here for you if you want to work one-on-one together, or if you want my boundaries course. And if you have any questions, feel free to email me. I will talk to you in the next episode. Have a beautiful week, smooches.

Ever wonder why you keep attracting narcissists, control freaks, or just plain toxic people — even after doing all the healing things?

Spoiler alert: It’s not your fault... but it is your time to break the cycle. 👑

In this juicy episode, I’m spilling the truth about:

• Why chaos can feel like chemistry 💣
• How childhood wounds + nervous system wiring keep you stuck
• The surprising reason you confuse anxiety for butterflies
• And the exact tools to shift your energy, raise your standards, and finally attract what you deserve — peace, safety, and healthy love 🙌

If you’re ready to stop calling crumbs a meal and start walking in your QUEEN energy… this one’s for you.

Press play, babe. Let’s break this pattern together. 💥✨

Join my free private facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989  

Grab your Narcissist Abuse Recovery Journey to Peace Call and Blueprint with Christy:

https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/

Somatic Healing Session with Christy

https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/somatic-sparkle-healing-sessions/

My Empowered Boundaries Course:

https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

Free 4 Minute Mood Boost Meditation

https://christyjade.ck.page/insider   EMAIL ME! fiercemamac@gmail.com   Grab your #notmyshit Journal on Amazon https://amzn.to/46dDSYk   BOOK MENTIONED: https://a.co/d/8er9jzd   TRANSCRIPT Speaker 1 (00:00):

Welcome to, but rewind reverse. It's not, but still she thrives. Not anymore. Christie's throwing a fast one. Yes, I have changed my title. If you didn't see in the podcast artwork or on the title, it is now called Narcissistic Abuse Recovery. We are getting very clear, very straightforward, so more people will know what my title means so they know how I help people so I can help more people. Makes sense, right? So when I first started this podcast, I didn't know if I wanted to just have it be narcissistic abuse. I thought maybe I want to branch out. And the more I do it, the more I just love helping you guys specifically with narcissistic abuse recovery. I know there are some episodes that will help people still in the mix, but my specialty is helping people who are out of narcissistic toxic relationships, right?

(01:05) I have a lot of people co-parenting with narcissists, or you have disconnected from a family member and you're dealing with the aftermath of that. Or maybe you are on the verge of deciding what to do and you need a little boost. We're here to catch you and do the journey with you. So the brand as a whole, just not to confuse you, everything will still be narcissistic abuse. I am going to get really into the recovery, really focusing on the recovery, how you can break the patterns we're talking about today, how you can help your nervous system, how you can trust yourself again and rebuild the life you want. So that is the general idea. There's going to be obviously so much more, but really we're focusing mostly on the recovery. So today's episode is why you're still attracted to narcissists and how to break the pattern. So stay close.

(02:05) Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you want to stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal. Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace.

(03:03) All right? So have you ever felt like a freaking magnet in your heart has only attracted narcissists or control freaks, manipulators, people that you have to walk on eggshells? This could be romantic relationships, friendships, Donald down the street. I don't know anybody. It just seems like you seem to attract energy. Vampires, manipulators, gaslight or whatever. You're like, why does this keep happening? So there is a reason that this does happen, but it's nothing wrong with you, okay? It's a truth bomb, but the good news, it's nothing wrong with you. But there are reasons this happens. And first of all, childhood conditioning is a thing that is when because of your environment growing up, which I would say a large part of you who have been in narcissistic relationships that were chosen probably had some stuff going on in childhood that could have led you that way.

(04:13) There is a small percentage that it could be people pleasing personality, but oftentimes that can be caused over people. Pleasers can be caused by something that has happened or a dynamic in a family in childhood. But either way, most, I would say most have unmet emotional needs during childhood, which creates this familiarity with emotionally distant or even abusive partners that we experience. You've either got people who dismiss you or could take or leave you, or you're always last place in the family unit. And then there are the abusive partners, obviously the narcissistic partners, and you really have just this familiarity with and accept that because of the familiarity, it could be, I don't really know any better. It could be like, well, subconsciously this feels safe and familiar to me and it's not your fault. So that's the good news. So the other thing, there's a couple other things.

(05:18) Repetition, compulsion. So this is where you actually subconsciously are creating, you recreate the old dynamics that you used to have. Let's say you get out of a toxic relationship, your body subconsciously will almost seek out those similar situations hoping to fix it, to rewrite it, to rewire. Our body is amazing and layered. So luckily we don't have to go through it time and time again to fix it. That's where all of our little coping and healing methods and methodologies come into play. And then there's nervous system addiction. This one is huge. This one you may have heard of before, even if you didn't know what it was called. It's where chaos can feel like chemistry, right? Those big highs. It's actually chaos. When you fight, you fight hard. And it's like, I feel like I always mention Eminem and Kim Eminem, if you're old enough to know Eminem, do younger kids know Eminem?

(06:23) Now, I don't even know Marshall Mathers, but it's those high highs and low lows, and just that chaos is you view it as a chemistry when you've been wired for dysfunction, whether that be earlier in your childhood or even let's say you had a long dysfunctional relationship, a very codependent relationship, and then you break out of it. But there's an addiction to that drama, to that chaos. You've heard people addicted to drama. That's what it is. Okay? So what feels like love is often just your nervous system recognizing it's old dance partner drama. Well, ain't that some shit? You're like, well, that's great. Well don't worry. Don't worry. We'll get help. That's why we're here. So let's talk energy because it's not just about seeing the red flags that you ignored in other relationships, friendships or red flags that were there in your family, but you couldn't do much about because you were living under their roof, whatever.

(07:31) It's, it's also about your frequency. So trauma actually lowers your energetic frequency. I'm going to say that again. Trauma lowers your energetic frequency, making you a match for who? People who feed off pain, they always say like narcissists generally have a type. It's people they can feed off of and it's off of the pain, not the peace. When you have a narcissist, they have no fun with people who are really feeling healthy and peaceful and confident. That's not a match, right? That's not going to work because that confident, peaceful person is going to feel that wrath of a narcissist and never be okay with it. And again, this isn't your fault that you've been okay with it or you've been this energetic match, right? But it can come from childhood stuff like we talked about trauma, lack of self-worth, and that leads you to accept crumbs.

(08:40) Can we talk about the damn crumbs, these narcissists drop? I'm going to give you a little crumb here and there and beat your body, mind and soul in between. Yeah, that was fun. Let's not do that again, right? But that's from that lack of self worth. So there's also the intuition versus fear where sometimes we mistake anxiety instead of anxiety. We're viewing it as butterflies because first of all, do you know that you actually have very similar energetic frequencies when you have anxiety versus when you have butterflies and excitement? So the body itself can get a little confused. But when you have trauma and all of the stuff that we have gone through, no one has taught us that difference, and we haven't had good healthy environments or relationships to go by where it's like the good butterflies. So we are mistaking anxiety, the walking on eggshells, that fear for butterflies because that is what we're used to, kind of goes back to what you're familiar with, but also no one was there to teach us that difference, and I'm here to teach you that difference. So stay tuned. There will be more episodes about that.

(10:02) So this is where you have to tap into that inner sparkle, right? Getting reconnected to yourself. This is one of my hugest things I talk about in my coaching. We start out every coaching, I don't care if you've already done it with somebody else in therapy, whatever we do, a hell yes, hell no system that will knock your socks off. It's going to re-identify you get down to what is a yes in your no, a no in your life. You're going to get to really know yourself on a deeper level and connect with yourself. Again, it's your inner sparkle, I call it, right? You can call it intuition, you can call it holy spirit, activate whatever you want, but I call it inner sparkle. And when you don't feel safe within you will confuse chaos for connection. But when you reconnect to you that inner sparkle, God, intuition, whatever you want to call it, truth to me, it's truth to it's your truth.

(11:06) It's God's truth, the truth that is you. When you connect to that and you can, I know you're like, but I don't even know where to start. I'm going to help you. You start acting entirely different. And when you act different, you think different. What else? You attract differently. You attract differently, okay, this is science. Science, yay. All right, so that's all great. How do we break the patterns? So now we empower her, that inner sparkle inside of you. We're going to give her some tools and say, let's do this. We're going to put her crown on because she's a queen. And like I said, we start with this. Hell yes, hell no list, revisit. This is a zoomed outlook. Obviously when you work with me, this is very detailed and it will be transformational. It will be life-changing. But I'm going to zoom out.

(12:07) You can start somewhere. This is your homework. If you want to work with me, we'll get to that in a second. The hell yes, hell no list. Revisit what actually feels good in relationships. And you're using this as your internal compass. So when we do this, this is something you do on your own, but then we also come back together and I help guide you. And if you need help relearning some of these things, I listen to what your inner dialogue is and we kind of evaluate, go back and forth, and I ask questions to get you to come to your own truth, your inner truth, that inner sparkle, right? Then the self-trust rebuild. I get it. If you're just out of a relationship for even years out and haven't done the work, you're like, I don't trust myself. Are you kidding? Look what I put up with.

(12:56) Look what I let my kids go through. Whatever. I've heard it all. So you're doing some intuitive journaling, re-parenting yourself. Maybe you didn't get parented how you should have. You've got affirmations. I see you, I hear you, I got you to yourself. Do you know how powerful that is to just hold yourself and say, I got you. You were not held and got you. Weren't that the way you should have been? So I got you. Now, showing up for yourself builds that self-trust. There's a lot that goes into that somatic healing. One of my favorite things to do. Your body holds the blueprint to ever rethink. Your body remembers. There's a great book called the Bobby. The body remembers. Maybe Bobby does too. I don't know who he is. I have a cousin, Bobby, maybe it's him. No, but the body remembers. I will try to think to link that in my description.

(13:58) If not, it's an easy title. Remember, go look on Amazon, the body remembers it's a great book, but your body holds the blueprint. We use breathwork, we use grounding. My meditation bundle that you get free with a lot of my programs is amazing. My four minute start today, I give that free to everybody who joins my email list or my Facebook group. You guys have probably gotten that if you've joined either of those things. It's a four minute start your day meditation. I am huge into meditation. It has changed my life. Don't poo poo it till you do it. And that starts to regulate and recognize true safety. And for anyone who says, oh, meditation, I don't have the time for that. Do you have the time for this? I don't think so. Do you have time for bullshit? No. Let's do a little meditating.

(14:52) Anyway. So you want to regulate and recognize true safety. True safety. Imagine what that you get to feel that again. Or if you never felt it at all since you were born, since you were a kid, you get to know what safety is. Yes, please sign me up. All right. One of my favorite words in the world is boundaries. I have a whole freaking course on this, A 10 video course. I'll put that in the description box. But boundaries as protection and magnetism, right? We know boundaries is protection. Everyone talks about it. Oh, boundary up, right? Boundaries. Keep your peace protected. Protect your peace with the big bubble. I always talk about the damn peace bubble, but when you own your power inside of that bubble, when you're finally like, yep, I got this. I've got my walls up. It doesn't have to be perfect for it to be successful, let me tell you that too.

(15:56) Okay? I've had my slip ups of boundaries, but overall successful as hell, the wrong people fall off when you are owning your power, period. Ex point, maybe a no, drop the question mark. We'll not question ourselves. We've got self-trust boundaries. I love that as a magnet to the right ones coming into your life. This is new friendships. These are very healthy people in relationships that want to build you up and want to hold you and say, I got you too. Yeah, you got to get yourself. But guess what? It is icing on top to have a partner that you don't have to walk on eggshells. That you don't have to wonder, do they even have my back? You don't have to wonder if I say this. Are they going to do this right? I mean, we all have our shit. We're all going to have minor conflicts or we're people, people in the world, we're human.

(17:04) But if there's patterns of just not feeling good enough for your partner, imagine what that would feel like to have a partner you feel safe with and they are attracted to you because you know who you are. That's when you find true love. And I will say that about when I found my husband. I really was very strong in who I was. I had a lot more confidence than even five years prior. And it was kind of like when I finally was comfortable, maybe it's more comfortable, I felt more comfortable and sure of myself. I feel like when I actually attracted my husband, the healthiest human in the world, I still pinch myself. And I'm like, is this real life? But I did a lot of work to get there. I did. I had a couple nutty ass exes. Sorry, exes. If you're listening, you probably know you're nutty a little bit, don't you?

(18:10) Definite. I can think of one who dev land, some major narcissistic traits, and it was always about him, very dismissive, not very nice with the words. Sometimes I would say emotionally abusive. Luckily I wasn't physically abusive because I would've cry. He chopped his face. But I'm telling you the difference of after I got out of the relationship and I went to more therapy and I started just working on my self-esteem more. And even though I didn't know it was narcissism at the time, really, I wrote a lot. I journaled a lot. I did a lot of work. And I hate to call it work because I actually enjoy doing it, but it's what it's called. Soul work. Does that sound better? Soul work? But I journaled. I went deep. What is it about him? What is he really bringing me? And it was almost nothing, right?

(19:11) I mean, even our good moments, they were always followed by a very steep hill down. So I'm getting way off topic here, but I'm trying to just convey to you that when you magnetize a healthy person, and I think this is what's hard, sometimes you can't see over that hill because all is this side of the hill. And I'm trying to scream from up here. I promise you, the peace you feel is worth the work, the soul work. It's worth the pain and hardships that do come with being strong, cutting off toxic people, whatever you need to do. It's not always easy work to build a bubble and protect yourself and do what's right for you and for let's say your kids or whatever it is. Your correct, yes, the right, yes in your life, your purpose. If you're a God person, I can speak from the God point of view.

(20:14) I'm a God person. I walk in God's purpose every day, and I know damn well what is not a part of that purpose. And it's not pain. It's not saying we never have pain, but it is not knowingly going into pain day after day, walking on eggshells, accepting abuse. That's not it. That's not love. And I am up on this mountain up here, this hill, because you can get up here with me. I'm going to reach down and pull you the hell up with me. I'm up here. It is so peaceful and it is so worth the journey. So if you want to walk in this journey, you need someone there with you. I will put the different ways to work with me in the description. If you want to email me and ask more about working with me, I do somatic healing, I do just coaching.

(21:14) I can do little mix of both. And I have my boundaries course that I've sold a lot of lately, and people are writing and loving it. It is empowered boundaries. So I'll link that and I will put my somatic healing link in there as well. And we can start off with just a touchpoint session. And if you just want to talk and have a free chat, I'll put in a link there too to see if you are a match for what I do, to see where we could go in this journey together. Because I'm telling you, the piece on this side is I didn't know it existed. I feel like it's the same thing as my husband. I always say I didn't know someone like him really actually existed. And I'm not joking or being cutesy and romantic when I say that. Because of that frequency I was at, I attracted some low dudes, some low energy dudes.

(22:19) And like I said, I got my frequency up. I attracted him, and I almost sabotaged that. That's the story for another episode. If you all want that, let me know in the Facebook community group, go join that. If you're not in it, I'll link that. All the links, all the fun. But because I was like, it was almost like I felt like this is too good to be true. And I was terrified. It felt very unfamiliar. Obviously I'd never had anyone like him and I almost sabotaged it, but I got smart and I fixed it. I'm smarter and I look anyway. I'm so passionate. I'm running out of vocal chords here, so I will end this episode. But yes, I'll put the ways to work with me, my boundaries, courses in there. That is, it drips out every week, one episode or video, whatever, every week so you don't overwhelm yourself.

(23:25) And it's really, really good information if you suck at boundaries there, it's lemme speak frankly. And if you want to work in more of a customized way, then we can grab a free call. Or if you want to just jump in and jump on a somatic healing coaching call, we can do that. And if you just want to say, hi, I am always available on email and you can hit me up on Instagram and have you noticed a pattern in the kind of people you attract, hit me up, share that with me. And I am fierce. Christie, Jade on Instagram. If you are on Instagram, go follow me over there and say hello. And yeah, let me know. Is there a pattern that you feel like there's a specific type of person you attract? I'd love to hear. Alright, so you guys, thank you so much for being my support on this podcast.

(24:20) I'm so excited for the name change and I feel like there's also this uplevel energetic boost with it. So let's go rah rah Mbba. Before we have our three outgoing, what is it called? Affirmations. Is that it? Yeah. All right, let's have some affirmations. Take a deep breath. If you're new here, you just breathe in through the nose, out the mouth. That's called a halo breath. My favorite breath. Whoever knew one day I'd say I have a favorite breath. 10-year-old man. Did not know that. But here I am. All right, you're going to start with, let's do I attract. Alright, we'll do repeat after me. I attract healthy individuals. Our next one. My frequency is higher every day. And last but never least because I'm a queen. Yes, shine that crown, baby. I will see you in the next episode. Have eight. Beautiful day.