Explorez tous les épisodes du podcast NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationship

If you can’t seem to let go—even when you know they’re wrong for you—you might not be in love… you might be trauma bonded. In this episode, we break down 5 clear signs you’re stuck in a trauma bond and why it feels so intense, confusing, and hard to walk away. This is about clarity, not shame—so you can finally start breaking free.

💖 Work With Christy

✨ Ready for real-time transformation? Step into your power with Christy 1:1. Her 3-Month Transformational Coaching + Somatic Healing package helps you regulate your nervous system, rebuild self-trust, and feel safe in your own skin again. 👉 https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

🎁 Fun Queen Resources

💌 Join the Free Private Facebook Community — connect with other Queens rebuilding after narcissistic abuse. 👉 https://www.facebook.com/groups/narcissisticabuserecoverypodcast

👑 Grab Your Free Boundaries Pocket Guide — learn how to say nope without guilt. 👉 https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

💬 Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts — ready-made boundary phrases that protect your peace. 👉 https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/

TRANSCRIPTS Speaker 1 (00:00):

If you ever said, "I know they're bad for me, so why can't I let them go? " This episode might change everything because what if it's not really love at all? Welcome to your Thursday Thrive In Five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to. Take a breath queen, this one's for you. Hello, hello my queens. How are you? It has been, I don't know, let's look at the date. Over two months, I believe, since I've had a new fresh episode. I got COVID for the first time ever and it reactivated my mono that I had in my twenties that just stays there looking cute in your body for decades. I'm 46, sorry. I also had a birthday during this horrendous time. I ended up in the hospital. I had heart issues. I am now on a ... This is all TMI, but you know who I am.

(01:15) I'm like queen of TMI. I have to take a heart medicine, hopefully not forever, a beta blocker because my heart rate just would not settle. Basically it threw my nervous system into chaos and even the queen of somatoculin couldn't comment the hell down and I couldn't sleep so I am on a little sleep sedative. And again, hopefully I can come off of all these, but for now they're keeping me in check, but I was almost like bedridden other than a few things here and there for two months. So my body, I'm like just crawling out of a deep ... It's like I've been in a bunker, but it feels like it was for a year. The body atrophies quicker than you fucking think. That's what I've learned here.

(02:11) So that being said, I have les energy. I am fatigued still, not like to the extent I was and it's hard knowing what is recovery and what's just like reconditioning my body. So I will spare the rest of the details, but I'm crawling out of the hole and I know some of you checked on me. Thank you very much. Sorry if I didn't get back to all of you on messages and stuff. It's been a wild ride, but I've missed doing my podcast. So here we are and before all this happened, I planned on doing a series basically on trauma, trauma bonding, stuff like that. So today we're starting this new series and we're talking about something that keeps so many women stuck longer than they need to be, these trauma bonds. And before you go, "Oh yeah, heard that term." Right? It's kind of like a buzzword.

(03:10) I want you to stay with me because most people do not fully understand what this actually feels like in real life because it doesn't feel like just straight trauma. It can feel like love, like chemistry, like connection. It feels like, but we had something special, right? So today I'm going to walk you through five signs. You are trauma bonded, not in love. And I want you to gently notice what resonates with you. No shame, no judgment, no kicking yourself.This happens to a lot of people with narcissists because they're really good at what they do. Okay? Just be aware. So sign one. You can't let go even when you know better. Okay This is a big one. Logically you know this person hurt you or continues to hurt you. This relationship was unhealthy. You deserve better. Maybe you don't think you do. Some people aren't there, but maybe you do.

(04:18) And yet you still miss them. You still think about them. You still feel pulled back or get pulled back into their shit, into their chaos, right? That is not you being weak. That is your nervous system being conditioned. So a trauma bond is literally created through cycles of emotional highs and lows. Your brain gets hooked on the relief after the pain. Hear that again. Yo brain gets hooked on the relief it feels after the pain. So you're not like ... Some people are like, "Oh, you're addicted to chaos. You're addicted to the abuse." You hear all these things, right? Like you're addicted to bad boys who actually have been conditioned and are addicted to the relief after the bad things that they put you through or the hurt, which is a cycle, right? The abuse cycle. It is a cycle. So you're not crazy. You're conditioned.

(05:22) Number two, sign two, the highs felt addictive. So let's talk about those good moments and this really reminds me of a relationship I had long ago with a narcissist and I always joked, but ha ha, not so funny. It was like Eminem and Kim. And I don't think it was to that extent, thank God. But those highs were so high and this is what keeps the bond alive. When it was good, girl, it felt really good. They're charming. They can be attentive and loving. Maybe everything you wanted or dreamed of. Maybe you wrote down what you wanted and they were it in those high moments. And your brain goes, see, that's who they are. It's in there. I saw it. But here's the truth. That version of them is just part of the cycle. The high only exists because of the low and your brain gets addicted to chasing that high again.

(06:34) Okay.

(06:37) Sign number three, you find yourself blaming yourself more than them. This one hits deep. You find yourself thinking, well, maybe I overreacted or maybe I'm sensitive because they probably have told you you're sensitive or you overreact or you're just crazy. Or maybe I pushed them away. Maybe it was how I dealt with relationships. Maybe I'm not seeing it. Or maybe if I just handled things better, it would've worked or they would've been better to me or they wouldn't have hurt me or they wouldn't have had to be how they were because I was how I was. No. They were the ones causing the chaos. This is just what happens when you've been gaslit, right? Yo brain starts turning inward instead of seeing clearly outward like a healthy brain does. So instead of saying they hurt me, you say, "What's wrong with me? " Does that sound familiar?

(07:45) Instead of saying, "They hurt me. " Saying that out loud. You say, "What's wrong with me? " Or, "What did I do? " Or, "Why did I do this? " It starts to go inward. Okay? Sign number four.

(08:06) We can all relate to this one. You feel anxiety more than peace. Real love, the healthy kind that I now have with my husband and you can get as well for just 1999 on QVC. No, but you can. Don't worry. There's still hope. Okay. There is healthy laveta there. It feels steady. Trauma bonding feels like this. Walking on eggshells. Waiting for the next shift up or down. Overanalyzing text messages or what they said or what they didn't say. Feeling relief, then dread, then relief again. Is that familiar? The emotional whiplash and your body knows it. That tight chest, the short breath, you're spinning mind ruminating all the time. Get stuck thinking, thinking, thinking. That is not healthy love. That is your nervous system in what we call survival mode. Whether you are going through physical, emotional, spiritual, financial abuse, any, all of the above, your nervous system is reacting.

(09:45) Sign number five. You confuse intensity with connection. This one is important. They're all important. But man, that intensity can take over. This one's huge. Huge, huge. Okay. You think we had something so deep, something like I've never had before, something I'll never get again. By the way, that's actually a good thing. I remember thinking that with that relationship like, "Oh, I'll never have these highs again. I don't want those highs again because guess what? With those highs come very low lows." But what you actually had was intensity, not intimacy and there is a difference, right? Intensity is fast bonding, right? They love bomb you right away. They adore you. They say everything you wish you would've heard from everyone always. Oh my gosh, there's finally this man or woman who knows how to show love and they're not afraid to show it. And I feel special.

(11:03) Big emotions. Intensity is big emotions, right? And very high highs, but what? Class, what comes with those highs? Low lows. Yes. Intimacy is what? And this is what you need to really hear. This is what I have with my husband. Safety. Consistency. I think I'll bold that one in my mind. Consistency. I will tell you right now there are no narcissists out there that are consistent and I can put my stamp on that. Okay? And intimacy is calm. Are you going to have a thousand percent agreement all of the time? No. But overall, if you're zoomed out looking at a pattern of a healthy relationship and love, you are going to feel safe. You're going to feel like you're on the same team. You're going to feel consistent energy and emotion. And overall, you're going to feel a calm, a comfort in this relationship like I do.

(12:26) I feel like I'm so certain of my relationship. There's never any question. It's just like it's stable. That's a good word for it too. Stable. I can lean on my relationship. I know it's there. I know it's not going anywhere. I know that I'm safe, emotionally safe in it, physically safe in it, mentally safe in it, financially safe in it. Unless I go play some blackjack. Just kidding. All right. If it didn't feel calm, it wasn't secure. If you're listening to this, you're probably in a very insecure relationship or maybe still are and you know my advice. Listen to the other apps and get out. You deserve so much better and there is so much better out there. Sometimes we may ... I did feel like I deserved more at a point when I was with that ex that was a narky narc.

(13:26) I kind of knew I deserved more. He'd make me question myself, of course. But part of me was more like, "But then why does it feel so good when it's good? Like that can't be normal. I'll never find that again." And I'm telling you, that type of good is not the good you want. And I'm not saying I don't have high highs with my husband. We have extra fun times or we laugh a lot together, but there's a difference between that crazy almost out of this world high that is unfortunately balanced with the very low lows.

(14:13) So you don't need more willpower to pull out of this situation to either not get pulled back or just you're struggling just moving forward, even if you're not going back to them or in touch with them, just emotionally and healing and going back to your thoughts, right? They can still have you mentally, even if you're not with them physically or emotionally. They can still have your fucking brain. I know, honey. I've been there. Okay? You don't need more willpower. You need nervous system support. You need clear boundaries and you need the truth over and over and over again, because your truth has been unraveled.

(15:04) And once you see the real of the pattern, you can start breaking it. Okay? So if this episode hit you and you're realizing, oh, this is deeper than I thought, you don't have to do this alone. This is exactly what I help women do. Break trauma bonds, regulate their emotions, and finally feel free again. And all the ways to work with me are in the show notes. So pick your poison. Just kidding. Let's chat. And if you're in a place and this is for not the women who are trying to get out of these situations, the women who I work with are disconnected. That is a requirement and you must be disconnected from the relationship. Okay? So you've got to be disconnected already. You can't be living with your narcissist person. You are on the other side, you're seeing the patterns and you're going, "Okay, I know I can do this.

(16:12) I want to do this. I want to move on with my life. I've already made steps to be away from them, but I feel stuck mentally. So Christie, I need your help." That is the women that work with me so we can step forward and up and out and fly like fly. Okay? So next we're going to talk about why trauma bonds feel like an addiction and how to actually start breaking them. So definitely hit the follow button or whatever. I don't even know what it says on there, whatever podcast platform you are on to follow my podcast so you start getting all of my lovely episodes again because this is going to be a very epic series if I don't say so myself. I'm not biased at all. All right. Thank you so much for joining. I have missed you guys and you can always feel free to email me.

(17:20) My email is always in the show notes and just say hello or tell me about your situation, just whatever. I love talking to my people. So send me a little note and I hope you all have a fabulous day and you deserve healthy love and a healthy mind that can get unstuck from this boo shit because that's all it is. It's just a little bullshit. All right. I'll see you in the next episode on Thursday. Bye.

Still replaying every convo, text, or mind game—trying to make sense of the narcissist? In this 5-minute reset, Christy Jade shows you how to break the brain loop that keeps you obsessed with understanding them and finally reclaim your peace. Learn how trauma trains your mind to overanalyze—and the simple somatic shift that ends the cycle for good.

💖 Work With Christy

✨ Ready for real-time transformation? Step into your power with Christy 1:1. Her 3-Month Transformational Coaching + Somatic Healing package helps you regulate your nervous system, rebuild self-trust, and feel safe in your own skin again. 👉 https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

🎁 Fun Queen Resources

💌 Join the Free Private Facebook Community — connect with other Queens rebuilding after narcissistic abuse. 👉 https://www.facebook.com/groups/narcissisticabuserecoverypodcast

👑 Grab Your Free Boundaries Pocket Guide — learn how to say nope without guilt. 👉 https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

💬 Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts — ready-made boundary phrases that protect your peace. 👉 https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/

 

Speaker 1 (00:03):

Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to take a breath Queen. This one's for you. All right, take a deep breath today, queen. Happy Thursday. This thrive in five is for the woman who cannot stop replaying all the conversations, the manipulations, every, why did he do that? Why is he doing that? Whether it's your past or current situation that you are having to deal with a narcissist. Maybe you're, maybe it's a family member, maybe it's your boss, but understanding the narcissist will not bring you peace, and we think it will, right? We try to understand to relieve something in us, but your brain keeps dragging you back, even though deep down you probably know, you'll never fully understand and comprehend a narcissist because they don't make sense in the same way we do.

(01:18) They don't think the same way we do. They're not healthy people. So let's shift that today. So here's the thing, your brain is not broken. It's doing what it was actually trained to do, to analyze danger, to stay safe by being in the situations. So when you lived in a narcissistic environment, you became a detective. You were constantly decoding, tone, expression, hidden meanings. Are you shaking your head yet? Because your survival basically depended on it. So now that you're free, your brain doesn't realize it can stop working overtime. That's the loop. The body's addiction to this vigilance disguised as logic. It's not logic, it's vigilance. It's over vigilance, right? So let's get to today's practice. It's a calming quick one, and we are going to calm that beautiful brain of yours that deserves every piece. So wherever you are, gently place one hand on your heart and one on your belly. You're going to inhale through your nose for 4, 3, 2, 1. Hold for one, two, and exhale, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Now you can repeat after me. I am safe.

(03:17) I don't need to understand them to be free. How's that feel? So as you exhale, imagine the thoughts spinning in your head, melting down into your body and out through your feet. So we're going to inhale, 1, 2, 3, hold it. And as you exhale, imagine those thoughts that just whine and whine melting down your body and out your feet. Let your body carry what your mind can't. So if you want to repeat that a couple times, you can always pause this. Do it as many times as you need to, and each time, remind yourself, I choose peace over answers.

(04:24) You get to choose, and it might seem hard, but every time you do this, you get closer. Every time you do anything somatic, you really get closer to it so you don't heal by finding new information about them. That's what we think. You heal by giving your nervous system proof that the danger is over. I'm going to say that again. You heal by giving your nervous system proof that this danger is over. And I know everyone's situation is different, but most of you are on the other side getting out of the situation. You've left your co-parenting or you're not living with the person every day like you once were. That could be a parent, a sibling, an ex, right? So this is really for you that knowing you are out of imminent danger and you need your nervous system to come on board with that. So every time you redirect from analyzing them to soothing yourself, you're rewiring your brain for peace. And that is the power they never want you to have, right?

(05:56) Ugh. It would just kill them to know you're at peace. They want you all up in the chaos with them. They want the control of your peace. They want to hold your peace and never let you have it. And we're not here for that. Are we Queens? No. So if you're ready to learn the deeper somatic tools, this is just the tiny tip, right? This is what I can do on these podcasts. I can give you as much as I can give you and I try. But to really do the deeper transformation and use those tools that really go in deep and are longer lasting to stop those mental spirals and actually feel safe in your own body. You can do that by working one-on-one with me, and that is where the real rewiring happens. I always have the link in my show notes of the podcast.

(06:50) So if you're on Apple, you go to my main page there, or this episode description, I'll have it there as well. It's all over my podcast. And that is where the magic happens. And if you're not there yet, keep taking these five minutes for you. Your piece is rebuilding itself every single time you choose it. Saying out loud, like I'm serious, saying things out loud is so helpful for our brains and bodies to connect, to catch up with each other saying, I'm choosing peace. Or what is the most peaceful choice I can make right now? When you're in those situations where you're like, I don't know what to do, what is the most peaceful choice for me? What's the most peaceful choice for my child if you have a child, right? I get it, I get it. That also it can swing the other way where we just, we want to show them or we want to, they're acting crazy and we feel like we need to meet them where they're at. No, we need to be the peace.

(07:59) I get the justice part, trust me, my middle name, my whole life was seeking justice all around. And then once I realized what a narcissist was and how manipulative they were, and I had one in my life, I was like, oh, I'm going to show them that I'm onto them and this and that, and I did. And I learned the hard way. That's not actually how you win with narcissist. Winning is having peace and doing the work that you are no longer affected by them. It's not overnight, but it can happen and it can happen quicker than you think, which is beautiful. Ask my clients. Okay? So take one more deep breath queen. Inhale and release. And remember, your freedom doesn't live in their story and their narrative and their bullshit. It lives in your body that you get to choose, you get control of to say, I'm going to do X, Y, Z.

(09:05) What's that? X, Y, Z. I hope it's peace. You look way better in peace than you do in chaos. Okay? Alright, so don't forget to follow this podcast. Share it if you think it would help someone else. Of course, if you want that deep transformation, I do have two spots open for the next three months, I believe. So grab a spot if you want one. And remember it's every Tuesday and Thursday we have Tuesday are the longer episodes. We dive deep talking about doing the talkie talk, and then the Thursdays are thrive in five where we try to do a little more of the somatic stuff, little exercises and tools that you can take with you. Alright, I'll see you in the next video. Smooches love yous and keep cleaning.

Empowered Boundaries Course

https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/   EMAIL ME! fiercemamac@gmail.com   TRANSCRIPT: Speaker 1: (00:00) Huh, that's me being creepy, but also me introducing what we are going to talk about today, which is breath work. What are the benefits of breath work for people who are looking to heal? Stay close and you will find out, Speaker 1: (00:18) Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you, I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and embody more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Speaker 1: (01:15) I was introduced to breath work during the global pandemic of 2020 when I think we all needed some breath work. Uh, it was good timing. Yes, I was introduced to that and it really can be life changing and there's so much more to it than you would think. There's all sorts of types of practices. That was all a lot of words to say. Different practices for breath work, just different patterns, different ways you can use it from physical healing to mental and emotional and spiritual healing. There's just a lot of jam pack goodness up in the breath work world. I have done some breath work with my clients and I am getting certified to not only do breath work but all sorts of fun somatic healing therapies. So I'll be talking about that more. But I also wanna get to the point of this episode and dive in. Speaker 1: (02:13) So what does breath work do? Breath work refers to various practices that involve conscious control and manipulation of our breath, right? And we do this to achieve specific outcomes, like I said, that can be physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. So while individual experience can vary, these are five ways in general which breath work can potentially contribute to your healing on this lovely healing journey you are on. Number one, stress reduction. And this is big. This is a big one. We want stress reduction when we're going through the healing journey. We don't need extra stress, we need a lot less. So this is a great way. So deep and rhythmic breathing activates what is called, and you may have heard of this I've mentioned a couple times in some of my episodes. But parasympathetic nervous system, right? And this promotes relaxation and reduces the effects of the body stress response, which is normal in our everyday lives. Speaker 1: (03:17) But we can use this breathing to activate the parasympathetic nervous system. And this can lead to lower levels of cortisol. I've heard that word thrown around a lot. It is the stress hormone and this can help lower it and get you to a calmer state of mind, which will help alleviate all the symptoms with stress related crap, right? We, we know all the feelings, the racing heart, the sweating, the nervousness, the worry, all of that can totally be helped just by deep and rhythmic breathing. That's why they do it during labor. Number two, improved mental clarity. This was like the icing on the cake for me. So focused and intentional breathing can enhance mental clarity and concentration. So increasing this flow of oxygen to the brain with, again, there's different patterns we can use for different things, but increasing that flow of oxygen can improve the cognitive function and help all of us gain better control over our thoughts and reduce that mental fog. Speaker 1: (04:30) Can I get a what? What for the perimenopause women of the world right now? Or a menopausal mental fog is a thing. I'm starting to get it. I'm not loving it so I'm gonna start doing a little more breath work around that. But it enhances the overall mental wellbeing. So I am loving this benefit. Number three, emotional release breath work can provide a very cathartic release of those pent up emotions. Certain techniques encourage the expression and release of those stored emotions letting us process and let go of the burdens we carry, right? This can be particularly beneficial for those dealing with trauma. We know about trauma if we're in that narcissistic world, which if you're on here, you may be anxiety in general or grief And grief is a huge one. And around the holidays it can be really, really hard if you have been grieving someone or you just grieve have had to grieve anyone or a loss of a relationship, even that can be considered a grief, right? Speaker 1: (05:40) So it's releasing all of these things and breath work can kind of release that, you know? And it's just like that bottled up. Like you feel like you're gonna explode and you hold it in and this is a way to let it out without screaming and crying and punching a pillow. , you just gotta breathe girl. Um, no, but I do like this one. This is like a great way to, when you're kind of just feeling overwhelmed with emotions, it's a really good way to release it in a healthy way. Not saying that screaming a punching a pillow is not healthy. I mean that is a way you can do it too. Just don't punch anybody or something that could hurt your hand. Okay, number four, enhanced mind and body connection. So breath work often emphasizes that connection between the mind and the body. I am big on this. Speaker 1: (06:35) I'm always saying get out of your mind and into your body because they are connected. But sometimes we have to know when to lean into which one. As humans, especially as women, especially as women who have gone through some shunt, we can get so stuck in our mind and our thoughts. So through this mindful breathing, we can become more aware of the physical sensations, our emotions, and our thought patterns. And this increases our awareness for a greater sense of self-awareness, knowing what's going on with all parts of us and a deeper connection between that mental and the physical, right? So why I was talking about the whole leaning on one side versus the other is the more self-aware you are of where your thoughts are, right? Like, oh wow, I'm really in my head right now. Maybe I need to glide over into my body focusing on that breath. Speaker 1: (07:38) Maybe you start doing, there's other somatic practices you can do like grounding or just tracking different things going on with your physical body. You can start rubbing your hands together, getting out of your head and into your body will change how you are, you know, basically functioning because you're going from inside of those thoughts and the mind racing and putting it into the the physical body, which is a great place to be when you're trying to calm your nervous system down. Last but not least, regulation of the autonomic nervous system. So again, these various breath work techniques such as diaphragmatic breathing, which is through your diaphragm, very focused on breathing in and out of the diaphragm and paced breathing. I do a lot of that with my clients can influence that part of the nervous system. And this can lead to a better balance between this sympathetic, which is that fight or flight. Speaker 1: (08:40) You know what I mean? I'm always the fight person. Unfortunately if something's coming at me, I'm going right back at it, right? But there's also that flight side. I have a friend they actually used to call us fight and flight. I was always like, what is it? I'll take care of it. I'll protect y'all. Little scrappy do as my husband calls me and my friend was flight, like she just doesn't like anything that's just not totally calm. It freaks her out and she shuts down. So she just disappear. Like you'd be like, where did she go? Where did that woman go? And then I'm there with my scrappy dupal, right? But that's the sympathetic part of the system. And then the S parasympathetic is the rest and digest. So these are the branches of that nervous system. So this balance is crucial for your overall health. Speaker 1: (09:34) So you've got to be having a balance of both of these helping to reduce, get this, y'all get this helps reduce chronic inflammation, which is one of the biggest part of our modern world as like as far as health goes, there's so much inflammation from diet, from stress. That nervous system, when it is all crazy and chaotic, it throws our system off and it causes chronic inflammation. So this can help promote the healing process within the body. And I think that's freaking epic and I love it. And I love this work. I'm so excited to be getting deeper into this myself as I go through my certification. So I can definitely touch on this stuff I do with my clients. Like I said, if you want to work with me, do some coaching, do some breath breathwork, do other modalities of energy healing, please look at the different packages I have in my show notes. Speaker 1: (10:36) And also you can always email me at fierce Mama C at Gmail, that is in my show notes as well. And breathwork really is a great supplement if you're in therapy, if you're doing coaching, if you're just on a healing journey trying out different things to see what works best for you, it's a great thing to explore. And with like talk therapy coaching, it's really a good, good supplement to get the healing from the body out. Almost that sounded weird like where we we're a weird transformer, but all the talking and coaching and motivation, like there is a lot of great things happening there. I see it with my own clients, but I wanted to start adding this deeper layer so we can also in parallel be really going deep and heal from the inside out while we are doing a little of the coaching therapy. Speaker 1: (11:25) So I'm so excited to be kind of doing the shift. So any feedback from you guys on things you would like to see me cover on here on this podcast, please email me again in the show notes. Um, and a reminder, if you have health concerns, please consult with your doctor before incorporating breath work into your practice just to make sure you're all good. If you're a typical healthy person, obviously you wanna go in slow and you don't wanna do the, the really deep fast breaths like right away. In my experience, I did that right away. 'cause I'm always like, look at me, I'm gonna jump in everything I do. I like to like really dive in and I did a little too fast. I didn't like pass out or anything, but I was like, I think that I feel a little bit lightheaded. So definitely go in slow, work your way up. Speaker 1: (12:16) If you're a typical healthy individual, if you do have health issues, talk to your doctor about how you can make breath work, work for you. There's definitely ways to do it. It's just gonna probably be slower, the pacing, maybe building up very slowly, but that is not my specialty. So I would like you to check in with your doctor if you do have those special health conditions. Okie dokie. Anyway, I love you guys. I'm so excited for, I don't know, life . No, I'm excited to introduce you to this modality. If you have not heard of it before. Most most of us have heard of breathing. That's a thing. But breath work as in really being a healing tool. I'm just, I'm just so excited and fascinated by how beneficial it can be. So I will talk to you in the next episode of, but still Sheath Rises. Let's Hands to Heart It. We're gonna do a couple affirmations here. If you're on the road, do not put your hands on your heart, please keep 'em on the wheel unless you're in an Uber . All right, let's take a deep breath in through the nose and out one more through the nose and out. Speaker 1: (13:36) I can heal myself. Repeat after me. I am healing every day. Last one, KA, I'm a queen. Alright, Queens, I love you. Keep that chin up. You are doing an amazing job. It is holiday season if you're listening to this live, and the narcissists come out full-blown. So be prepared. Let me know if you need my support, message me or sign up for one of my packages and I'll talk to you soon. Smooches Andes.

5-Minute Reset for When You Feel Pulled Back Into the Trauma Bond

If you’ve ever felt that magnetic pull to check their page… or that instant surge of anxiety when their name pops up — this quick episode is for you.

In this Thrive in 5, Christy Jade guides you through a powerful five-minute reset to help calm your nervous system, stop the obsessive thoughts, and get your peace back — fast.

Because you don’t need to text, check, or fix. You just need to breathe, reset, and remember your crown. 👑

 Your Next Step in Healing

✨ Ready to rebuild your peace, power, and self-trust after narcissistic abuse? Explore Christy’s most transformative programs below:

🌸 Empowered Boundaries Course Learn how to set boundaries that actually stick — without the guilt spiral. Includes 10 video modules, a meditation bundle, and lifetime access. → https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

💖 1:1 Coaching + Somatic Healing Reclaim your peace, power, and clarity in a private, guided journey with Christy. This is where REAL customized transformation is made! Save money when you sign up for 6 and 12 month! 3-Month Coaching Container → https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/ 6-Month Coaching Container → https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/ 12-Month Coaching Container → https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/

💌 Resources for Your Healing Journey

✨ Grab your FREE Boundaries Pocket Guide → https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250 ✨ Join the FREE Facebook Community for daily support + sisterhood → https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade ✨ Snag your Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts for boundary convos that actually work → https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-fast-37/

 

Speaker 1 (00:00):

Queen, are you feeling that magnetic pull to check their page, getting that spike of anxiety when their name pops up? Whatever it is, you're not regressing, okay? Your nervous system is just having a little flare up in this Thrivent five, I'm going to walk you through a quick emotional reset to get you back to calm, clear, and crowned. Of course, shine it up. Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to take a breath queen. This one's for you.

(00:45) Alright? You're not crazy for still feeling that pull. Okay? Whether that looks like you're questioning things that happened, wondering if you made a mistake, wondering why you even did this. What did you feeling like guilt around it? All right? What happened to me? How did this happen? How did I even get here? And get there and get everywhere? Okay? Your brain built highways to respond to their chaos and healing means building detours, right? So today we're going to walk one of those detours together, okay? So stop what you're doing. If you're driving, you might want to save this for later and go back to it when you get to your destination, when you have a few minutes of quiet. So if you are in a quiet space, stop what you're doing. Take a breath. All right? Now focus on where your feet are grounded. You can stand up, sit down, but try to ground your feet on whatever floor you have beneath you. Okay? Take one. Slow inhale through your nose, 1, 2, 3, 4, and exhale through your mouth, six counts, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. And repeat after me out loud. I am safe in this moment.

(02:21) Okay? That one sentence tells your body, we are not in danger anymore or we're not in danger right now. So now move something. You can shake out your hands and your arms. You can roll your shoulders back. I love that. I love a good neck roll. Stretch your neck, side to side. Whatever feels best to you. This is your body reset, queen. It's your time to decide, right? It's time for you to get some decisions in this life. Alright? Now imagine the leftover tension leaving your body with every exhale. Okay? So let's say you're rolling your shoulders, just roll back and every time you reach a certain spot, imagine just releasing tension, releasing that tension out of your body, okay?

(03:18) Are actually releasing the chemical residue of the trauma bond, the cortisol, the hyper vigilance you're very familiar with, right? So you can always pause this if you want, feel like you need a little extra or just go through the rest of the exercise with all of us, okay? So you've shaken at your hands, rolled your shoulders, your neck, whatever. Felt good. Now we're going to reframe, okay? So repeat after me again. And if you are someone who is missing this person, this is for you. And if not, we'll get to you. Don't worry. Okay? Missing them doesn't mean I made a mistake. Missing them doesn't mean I made a mistake. You're repeating after me, okay? Now, if you're wondering why you still are getting sucked in by them, why you're still responding, even when you know shouldn't, doesn't mean you want to be with them or you miss them. This can mean that you're still craving the chaos. Okay? So repeat after me. I'm craving the chaos, not the person. Let's make that clear. I'm craving the chaos, not the person.

(04:42) Okay? Now, this will be basically for everybody. We're covering everyone here, okay? Because if you listen to Tuesday's episode, if not, you need to listen to that. But if you did already, we talked about peace not being as exciting as the chaos, right? Those ups and downs, highs and lows, dopamine hits. Peace is a little more consistent, which is great. Stable, which is great, but it can feel boring, especially when you are used to those spikes. So it might feel boring. But boring is when you know you're healing. You need this, okay? So remind yourself, repeat after me. Peace might feel boring, but boring is healing. Peace might be boring, but boring is healing. So every time you reframe it like that, you weaken that old wiring, that chaos is love. That this addiction to the dopamine is fun and great. It's not. It's stanky.

(05:52) Okay? Now let's get a little sparkle return. Okay? Close your eyes. Picture your gold shiny crown. Okay? That glowing reminder that you belong to yourself. Now you're not under the thumb of that narcissist. Inhale golden light. Exhale the residue of their energy. Ugh. Get it away. Get it away. Inhale your light. If you're a God person, that can be God's light. Exhale, the negative energy that is no longer yours doesn't serve you. Goodbye. Okay, now smile. Even if it's a tiny one, even if it's a little bitty smile, that's your nervous system, remembering joy, remembering peace.

(06:53) Let yourself sit in that for a second with that crown, that beautiful golden light. It's yours. You have control of it. You can tap into it at any time. Save this or any of my thrives and fives for easy access to tapping into yourself. Okay? So you just took back a little piece of your power in five minutes. If you want more tools like this to stay grounded, you can grab my boundaries Pocket guide, right? If you need to set some boundaries or the Empowered Boundaries course for deeper healing, and if you want insane transformation, you are ready. You are over this, done with it, and you're ready to actually take an hour, hour a week. I am holding you to that. It is, this is weekly work with me and you get access in between. So if you're someone who's ready to show up and glow up, go check out my three month one-on-one program.

(07:58) It is epic. It is transformational. You're already a queen. You're going to be a double queen, okay? So go check out those ways to work with me and I will see you in the next, not see you. I will talk to you. You can imagine what I look like, but I won't be there. Should I do these on video? I did a few of 'em. Tell me if you would like these on video or if you are a podcast person in the Facebook group. Yes, speaking of which, join my free Facebook group. That's where all the magic happens. Can you imagine? There's more magic that is always in the show notes too. So yes, tell me in there if you would like video or you like audio is good for you. Alright? And don't forget to follow my podcast on the main page of wherever you are listening to this. You go to my main page on whatever platform and just hit the follow button so you can follow my podcast. See? So you don't miss of this magic glitter. Okay? All right, I love you. I will see you in the next, I'm just going to, maybe it's God saying you need to do video. Maybe I'll see you in a video soon, huh? Smooches deuces later.

You finally broke free — but why does it still feel so hard to breathe? In this episode, Christy Jade breaks down what no one tells you about life after the trauma bond.

If you’ve ever caught yourself craving the chaos, feeling pulled to respond to that text, or getting triggered by their name — even though you know they’re toxic — this one’s for you.

You’re not weak. You’re not “going backward.” You’re experiencing what Christy calls the trauma bond hangover — that emotional, mental, and physical crash that happens when your body is detoxing from dysfunction.

👑 Your Next Step in Healing

✨ Ready to rebuild your peace, power, and self-trust after narcissistic abuse? Explore Christy’s most transformative programs below:

🌸 Empowered Boundaries Course Learn how to set boundaries that actually stick — without the guilt spiral. Includes 10 video modules, a meditation bundle, and lifetime access. → https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

💖 1:1 Coaching + Somatic Healing Reclaim your peace, power, and clarity in a private, guided journey with Christy. This is where REAL customized transformation is made! → https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

💌 Resources for Your Healing Journey

✨ Grab your FREE Boundaries Pocket Guide → https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250 ✨ Join the FREE Facebook Community for daily support + sisterhood → https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade ✨ Snag your Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts for boundary convos that actually work → https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-fast-37/

💬 Episode Highlights

• Why guilt spikes when a toxic parent gets older or sick

• The truth about “honoring your parents” — and what that really looks like in abuse recovery

• How to stop confusing compassion with obligation

• Nervous system tools to stay grounded when guilt-tripping starts

• Christy’s personal reflection on balancing empathy with self-care

🩷 Let’s Connect

Instagram : https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/

Email me!

fiercemamac@gmail.com

 

TRANSCRIPT Speaker 1 (00:00):

Alright, so you finally got out, you blocked, deleted. Maybe you even changed your number. So why does it still feel like you've been hit by a damn emotional freight train? Today we're going to talk about the part no one really warns you about the trauma bond hangover, the weird, awful mix of craving the chaos, feeling that pull to check their page or getting instantly triggered when their name pops up on your phone. I know that one, even when you know they're toxic, your body's still wired to respond like it is life or death. So you're not weak, you're healing from an emotional addiction. So we're going to talk about what is really going on underneath and how to help calm that nervous system so you can finally actually start to feel free.

(00:53) Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear. Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice and how to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there and let's cue your royal glow up.

(01:51) Okay, queen, let's be honest, nobody really talks about this part. Everyone cheers you on when you're finally leaving the narcissist. You did it, you're free. I hated that mofo. But what happens when freedom doesn't just immediately feel peaceful? You may think you're going to get this huge relief and you may get some, but you expected more and it could be years later and you could still be stuck in feeling that lack of peace. So what happens when your brain keeps checking for danger or your body jolts every time you see their name, you're out of the relationship technically, but it still feels like they are living rent free in your damn head. That is the trauma bond hangover. And if you're in it, oh honey, I get it. I have been there. It is not a fun place. It is not a fun carnival and we want to help you get out.

(02:42) Okay, so I first, what is the trauma bond hangover? It is what happens when your body is still addicted to the roller coaster even though you've stepped off the ride. That's what we talk about somatic healing that I do with my clients. That's why we do that body work because your body is still stuck. So your brain was trained literally to associate chaos with connection, okay? Every love bomb, every cruel text, every silent treatment created these chemical spikes and crashes all about the rollercoaster, the dopamine, cortisol, all of it out of balance. So now when you try to rest, your nervous system doesn't know what to do. It's like what? Where's the next hit? Where's the next crisis? It's not that you miss them. Technically you miss the chemical storm or you get pulled in because it's so familiar. So it's not like, yes, you're not laying there going, God, I miss being sucked in the drama and I miss those highs and lows.

(03:53) You're not like consciously sitting there thinking about that, but your body is responding and it responds to what's comfortable. So if you get that jolt and your body goes, oh, this is comfortable, I'm getting that pang of fear that I see when I see this person's name, because when you lived with them and let's say they were physically abusive to you, even mentally abusive, it's all abuse. When you were dealing with it on a more intimate level, your body responded in a way, kind of like a survival mode way, and now your body is still stuck in that. It's having that same trigger and the same addiction technically. So your body, I don't want to say you miss the chemical storm, but your body misses. It became dependent on it, and your brain mistakes that storm for love because that's what it learned. I want to go say that's what it was conditioned for by your lovely narc.

(04:54) Okay, so let's be real. Trauma bonds do not dissolve the moment you block someone. That's just not how it works. Your body has to unlearn survival mode, and that's why we love somatic healing. But why does the healing feel harder than the leaving? So leaving takes adrenaline, okay, you're in action mode. You pack your things, you make a plan, you move. Healing is when you're away, maybe not completely away, but you're physically away in that daily sense, right? The more frequent being with this person, and that's when the silence hits. So that adrenaline fades and emotions rush in. It kind of reminds me of if you're, let's say caring for a very sick parent and you have adrenaline, you're taking them to the doctors, you are having a lot of immediate emotions worrying. Are they going to get so sick they pass, or is this the time I've gone through this myself?

(06:04) So I'm just comparing something that feels a little similar to me, right? It's all this adrenaline, it's what your body does in survival mode and to focus. You're talking to doctors, you're making things happen, getting the images from the hospital, doing all this. You're in go, go, go mode. And when they pass, there is a span of time where yes, that adrenaline continues. You're making the calls, you're talking people, you're hosting people, you're arranging, making all the arrangements. And then they say, always check on your friends. A few weeks after someone, a parent or someone close, whatever has passed, because that's when the silence trickles in. That's when the people aren't around as much and the adrenaline calms and you are with your thoughts and your fears and everything in silence, and the emotions can really rush in. Then so you start feeling everything you stuff down to basically survive, and that's when the cravings come.

(07:17) So the urge is to text, to peek at their profile even if you don't want to be back with them, and maybe you do, maybe you're in a place where you're questioning, did I make a mistake? I know that that can happen especially immediately after, but let's say you're further down the journey and you're like, hell no, I don't want to go back to that. But you still find yourself rereading their text messages, analyzing, talking to your friends about it, and even if you know they're baiting you, even if you know they haven't changed, you still do these things. Your body is saying, this silence feels unsafe. So you are at war. Your heart, your brain, your body, they're having different stories. Go on because for so long, chaos felt like home chaos felt like home, and I'm so glad it's not your home baby girl.

(08:13) But your body's still feeling like that. It's still comfortable with that. You might get triggered by the tiniest things, a song, a smell, a message, and this could be a nostalgic feeling or it could trigger you, and you get mad when you think about that person. I'm not saying it has to be one specific emotion, but it can trigger any emotions. Maybe you feel a buzzing under your skin like you're waiting for something bad to happen, right? That's not weakness. That is your nervous system trying to find the new normal. Like I said, it does not happen overnight. So how do we get through this hangover without taking their bait, without texting them back or losing our damn marbles? So we have to talk a little strategy. It can feel impossible if you don't understand what's happening. Your brain can just fire all over with all the different ideas and let me try to be the nice guy.

(09:17) Let me yell back at them, right? There's all these different ideas that spiral and you spiral and you spiral. So step one, don't spiral. Don't ground, okay? When the urge hits to take any kind, ofit, any kind of debate, I don't think that was good English there, but right to respond, to check, to fix, pause and breathe. Look around the room. You might've heard me talk about this before, but it's a simple thing you can do with your kindergartners so you can do it. We keep these things simple because when your brain's in overdrive like that, you need simple. Okay? So you might be like, Christie, you sound like you're talking to a five-year-old. I have to, okay, so you name five things you can see, just look around. Okay, I'm going to do it right now. So I'm pumped up. Even just from talking on podcast, getting passionate, thinking about right.

(10:13) Watch me calm down in a few seconds. Okay? I see a beautiful pearl necklace, I see beautiful roses. Oh, I see my palm tree bag. That immediately gives me peace. I am a palm tree obsessed woman. My rose gold brush that makes me happy and oh, a fuzzy flamingo pen. Now you know what weird shit I have on my house, but I feel my body already, just my nervous systems rebalancing. So that's what you do. Look around, name five things and then say, I'm safe right now. It sounds simple, but it tells your body you are not in danger anymore. All right? Now step two, move the energy out. You can shake your body, right? Shake your legs, shake your arms, shake your body line. I have a flamingo theme going on today. I have a flamingo, I don't know, stuffed animal thing that you press a button and it dances and sings and it sings that.

(11:24) Shake your body line, work, work, do it all the time. Something like that, and it just reminds me of that. Alright? I'm having a lot of a DD moments today. So you shake your body line, you walk, you stretch, whatever helps your body release those chemicals that are pumping from the stress cycle, okay? You're not just healing from your heart, you are retraining your nervous system. It's a whole system, okay? It's got a lot involved in step three, create a response plan for your triggers, right? I talked about those triggers that pop up. Write out what you'll do. I'm a pen to paper, girl, forget digital. Get yourself a planner or not planner a journal, do a planner too. I'm big on paper planners, but for this, a journal where you start writing some stuff down your affirmations, all the good stuff, but you could write down what you'll do when that text comes through or when you feel tempted to peek at something or a trigger comes just in general.

(12:32) So you can write it down. If they text me, I will screenshot it. Block and walk outside because you want to have evidence. I will say that keep all your evidence so you can screenshot it, block it, say I'll deal with it later and don't deal with it later. If you don't have to, you can block them momentarily. I know with co-parenting it's tough if you are allowed to block them permanently, block 'em permanently. If not, block it for a few moments. Go take a walk, and then if I get triggered, I'll do my grounding routine instead of reacting. So we're training ourselves, right? We're training ourselves. So we're writing pen to paper. If this happens, I'm doing this. We have a plan. We have to have a plan because you are just floating out there like a crazy old balloon in the wind and you need to get grounded.

(13:24) You need a plan to get grounded. So whatever works for you, you're creating a pause between trigger and action. We don't want that initial action to happen taking the bait and it will just not just affect you, but it will get them to engage with you more and more. You know how it works. You've been doing this. They love you to engage, they love you to take the bait and they thrive off the chaos. Don't give it to 'em. Another question, you can write down, what is the most peaceful thing I could do right now? Guess what? It's not responding. It's not spiraling, right? It's going and taking a walk. It's looking for five things in the room. It's making a lovely chocolate milkshake you deserve. And step four, fill the void with real connection. You cannot detox from chaos and isolation. You were probably in a very isolated place while you, you're with them.

(14:24) Most are very controlling. Try to keep you from the people that matter in your life. So you are free from that now, right? And you were wired for survival and you did whatever it took to stay alive in that relationship, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. And now you're learning what peace feels like. And it may feel weird at first me, it did. Hell yeah, it did. It's quiet, it's steady, it's predictable. If you make it that way, I'm a God person. So now to me, peace and joy is predictable because God wants me to have that every day. That's a whole other episode, but it's not exciting, like chaos. You miss the excitement. Your body may miss all those dopamine hits, but it's safe. And our goal is peace and safety now. So every time you choose not to respond, not to check, not to spiral, you're teaching your body that peace is the new normal and we love that it looks way better on you.

(15:30) I'll be honest than your chaos face. Nobody wants a chaos face. Should I make T-shirts with that? You're rewiring your heart from this fake love to true safety. So when that ache hits that urge to reach out or the trigger that just that visceral reaction it causes, remind yourself this is not a sign to go back, it's a sign. I'm just healing. My body's getting used to the new normal. It's not going to feel peace overnight. It's not going to feel calm overnight, but with some tools and I got plenty more tools and if you do one-on-one work with me. I always put the links, how to work with me in the show notes, one-on-one work we do. Customized definitely more than just looking around at five objects though that can help. We do a lot of deep, deep inner work to undo the damage and to retrain your brain and God's there with you in the stillness, right?

(16:28) Helping you rewire for real love, real peace and the real stuff, right? And freedom. Imagine what it would feel like if three months from now you barely remember what it was like to feel triggered every time you saw the phone ring, every time that you didn't know what to do or how to respond. You didn't know why they were doing this, saying this. You were terrified that your kids think you're the devil. Imagine if you could have a calm nervous system, what that would feel like. So I have a three month program. There is I think one opening left for ongoing three month, my three month program. I can only take a certain amount of those. That's some intense she is. We do mindset and somatic healing and that you got to show up to. I am not taking clients who are not committed to doing once a week work.

(17:34) That's a waste of time because if you're spending the money that you spend to do three months, you need to be showing up and that's where the transformation happens. Not showing up once and then a month and a half later like, Hey, oh, I signed up for my next, no, we do weekly calls and you get me on Voxer, which is like a walkie talkie app. Once a day I will chat with you, answer any questions, give you motivation, whatever you need in between those other calls. So you get this really fun feature when you sign up for three month. Okay? So check that out in my show notes. And if you're in this hangover phase, you feel in the pull the triggers. I also have Empowered Boundaries course. That's like a self-led thing. I will say the transformation you get on the three month one-on-one is much deeper, much longer lasting.

(18:32) But the Empowered Boundaries course is great for people who maybe aren't ready for that level yet, but want to start setting boundaries and doing a little of that energetic work. So that I will also put in my show notes and there is the Free Boundaries Pocket guide, which if you have not grabbed that, that's always there too. Alright? And remember, Thursday is Thrive in five. So that's always related to my Tuesday episode. So we will have a usually the somatic type thing or even maybe a motivational mini episode directly correlated to Tuesday's episode. So this week it will be related to this lovely trauma bond hangover. Okay? All right, and you guys have a great day, great week. You look amazing today. Go look at yourself. I want you to look in the mirror today. I want you to say I'm a damn queen and I look good.

(19:35) Yeah, you got to say it just like that too, because it's half the meaning. If you don't give it that sassy azzy, you are, you're a damn queen. I will see you in the next one on Thursday. Don't forget to make sure you're following my podcast wherever you're listening, just go to my main show and hit follow or subscribe. I don't know what it says. Some little button somewhere so that you don't miss me. I'm here twice a week just waiting to hang out. So you don't want to miss that, do you? No. All right. Love you Smooches Bye.

In this Thrive in 5, Christy Jade guides you through a simple five-minute process that helps you protect your child’s emotional safety when dealing with a narcissistic parent. Instead of reacting from fear, conditioning, or pressure to “keep things smooth,” you’ll learn how to regulate your body, detach from the narcissist’s hooks, and model calm authority your child can immediately feel.

This micro-training focuses on one small but powerful shift: stabilizing your own nervous system so your child learns emotional safety, discernment, and self-trust — even when the other parent continues their chaos. These five minutes will change how you show up in high-conflict moments.

Feeling stuck in the mental loop of the narcissist? Let’s reset it.

If you’re tired of the obsessive thoughts, emotional triggers, or constantly replaying what happened, my Calm & Clarity Reset Call is designed to help you shift out of that spiral quickly.

In this focused 1:1 session we’ll calm your nervous system, untangle what’s actually keeping you stuck, and create clear next steps so you can move forward with confidence.

Book your Reset Call here: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/calm-and-clarity-reset-call/

3-Month Coaching Container: Reclaim Your Peace

This container is designed for women who are ready to stabilize their nervous system, rebuild self-trust, and start creating real emotional freedom after narcissistic abuse.

Apply here: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

6-Month Coaching Container: Queens of Peace

For deeper healing and long-term transformation. Together we work through trauma patterns, boundaries, nervous system regulation, and rebuilding the life you want after abuse.

Apply here: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/

12-Month Coaching Container

This is the highest level of support for women ready to fully reclaim their power and build a life that feels peaceful, confident, and aligned.

Apply here: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/

Additional Support & Resources

Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free) https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-fast-37/

Empowered Boundaries Course https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

Free Facebook Community https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:03):

Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to take a breath Queen. This one's for you. Today's Thrive in five is all about your energy and moments when the narcissistic parent creates tension because your kids absorb your state more than the actual words that are spoken, right? They're little sponges. So you're going to teach your child safety by regulating yourself first, right in the moment. So we're going to give you this advice. You can save this if you're feeling it right now. You can use it now, but you can listen to know what to do. And then definitely save this episode. So in the moment you can refer to it and maybe you can even take little notes. But this is definitely a saver episode. Alright, so you're going to set your timer for five minutes, okay?

(01:06) Get yourself a little timer. It can be on your phone. One of those cute ones you have in the kitchen, the little kitchen timers. I have one that's a little mushroom. It's so cute. Alright, squirrel. Okay, so five minutes. Minute one, you're going to notice your body's alarm system. So think of that last text demand or surprise request from the narcissistic parent, right? And your body probably does one of these things. The chest tightens, the stomach drop. I know that one. The shoulders rise all the way up to your ears and your breath gets shallow, right? One of those two of those, all of those. So first, in that first minute, notice it name the sensation out loud like my chest feels tight. Naming it out loud equals calming it. Okay? True, true facts, only true facts here on the Queen's show. Alright, minute two, you're going to then slow the pace for your child.

(02:11) Kids mirror your nervous system. Okay? Remember that? So you can repeat this three breath pattern and you can do it silently or with your child if they're present to teach them, right? We're role modeling and teaching our children what to do when stress comes about. So one, you're going to inhale through your nose. Two, you're going to hold it for two seconds, and three, you're going to exhale a little longer than that. Inhale. And this tells your child and yourself, we handle intensity with calm, not chaos. Opposite of the lovely narc, right? We want to be opposite. So we handle intensity with calm, not chaos. Minute three, detach from that narcs hook. Okay? Ask yourself, what is the fact here? Not the feeling. I get it. We are all up in our feelings. We're empaths. We're good hearted people, we've been mind ed, right? I get it.

(03:22) But we need to role model and give ourselves peace. So what is the fact? So what's an example of that? The feeling is he's trying to control me again and getting triggered. The fact is pickup is at four. That's all I need to address. Whatever he's trying to do, we don't need to worry about. It's good to know that, right? That's very helpful when you're learning about the narcissist. But we know that already now at this point. Yeah, but our focus is the fact, whatever the deal is, pickup, set for whatever facts are safe, that's our safety feelings. That is the narcissist playground, right? They want to see and feel and hear all your feelings. That's you taking their bait. So this reduces your reactivity and models discernment for your kid, no matter how old they are, if they're two or they are 18. Alright, minute four, we're going to choose one sentence of calm authority.

(04:32) So pick one neutral boundaried line, like per the order pickup remains at four o'clock. Or I'll refer to the agreement or I'm not available for additional changes. Short and steady to the point. I always say, don't take the bait, don't get emotional, keep it short. And that equals emotional safety for your child too. Okay? So this is the piece that those kids internalize for life. How are you responding? Calm and authoritative, right? Per the order. Pickup remains at four. It's just the facts. People. We're queens. We don't have time for all these big emotions. Okay? Number five, we're minute five. Sorry. Teach your children one mini skill, okay? And again, refer back to Tuesday's episode. If you have not listened to that, please go listen to that. That's going to really dig into the best ways to deal with the entire situation with a narcissist, dealing with the kids and all of the toxic things you don't want to do yourself.

(05:52) And how to keep the peace, but in a way that isn't what you normally would do with someone who's not toxic. So please watch. Listen to that episode if you haven't. So right after contact with the narcissistic parent, you're not going to trash talk them, right? You're going to do the mature adult thing that will keep peace for you and your child. You can't control the narc, okay? Do this one grounding micro practice with your child. And this one, you get to even call it a fun little cute child thing. The butterfly hug. And it's 30 seconds and anyone can learn this and it is good for you. It's good for a 2-year-old. It's good for that 15-year-old who's going to roll their I. So you just cross your arms over your chest. You tap the left side right on the top of your arm tap.

(06:46) I'm doing it right now if you can hear, I'm giving myself a good old butterfly hug. And then tap the right, tap the left. Tap the right while you are slowing your breathing in through the nose, out through the mouth. Tap left, tap right. Okay. So cross arms over chest tap left tap right, tap left, tap right. Slow breathing until you feel your nervous system calm. But 30 seconds is a good amount of time and you can say your body knows how to keep you safe. So this teaches them to trust the intuition that therapists, some therapists tell them to ignore that. Tell them to push through and to keep the peace. That's the keeping the peace that I'm not here for. We're not bypassing feelings. We are honoring our intuition, their intuition and teaching them your body knows how to keep you safe. And doing the butterfly hugs.

(07:54) There's other examples too, but that's a good one is very important to me. So you don't change a narcissist, you're not going to change the narcissist, but you can change the energetic environment that your child grows up in while they're in your care. And they can do these things. And I know a narc is very controlling, so maybe they can't do it right in the middle of an interaction with their narc parent. But you can tell them if you ever have a tense situation at narc, parents, don't call 'em narc, but narc parents home and there's an interaction that makes you sad or upset, just don't take the bait. You can teach them in children's terms of not taking the bait, just kind of gray rocking a. And when they get a chance to be in private, to go to their room or whatever, teach them the grounding skills they will need because they will need them.

(09:05) And again, I say not everyone wants to really say all this out loud. If your child is a child of a narcissist, they need to be prepared. That's okay. We are where we are here. We can't change the past, we can't change what happened. All we can do is do the best with where we are. And your child can still be an amazing, healthy individual. They have you as a parent that is getting healthy, that's learning these tools that cares immensely for them. So they're ahead of a lot of people. Look, there are people with two parents that nobody really teaches them any tools or how to do X, Y, Z. So you are prepared, you're getting prepared and you're helping them prepare for what they need to do to cope with these situations. So this can be little, just five minutes at a time things.

(10:02) We have the five minute situation and then we have just the butterfly hug alone. They can do that easy peasy lemon squeezy in 30 seconds that can just calm them down and help their nervous system. And they get to also say to themselves, your body knows how to keep you safe during those times. So save this episode already. And don't forget if you didn't listen to Tuesday's episode, definitely, definitely listen to that. It's a great episode. I may be biased, but it's amazing. Just kidding. So if you're not following my podcast, go find the follow button so you don't miss any episodes because we got some good shit up in here. Okay? Yeah, we do. And as always, all the information is in the show notes as far as how to work with me. If you want transformational kick ass customized help, there's a couple different ways you can check the links out.

(11:07) But I have monthly and I have a three month really transformational, crazy, amazing epic work. And both I do coaching with you and somatic healing, which is through the body. We are healing deep stuff, but we don't have to do this super sad. Let's lay on a couch and cry about it for five hours, right? We're not going to bypass feelings, but we are going to have some magic happen. We're going to GoFund places, I call 'em Soul Cas. We go on little locations. We help our nervous system regulate. There's so many beautiful things in somatic healing. So you can read more about that in the links in my show notes. And I have a free private Facebook page, so definitely go join that to be around more women who understand what you're going through. It's a women only private Facebook group for narcissistic abuse recovery.

(12:08) So jump on and there. And I have, if you haven't grabbed them yet, there is my pocket boundaries. What's it? Boundaries Pocket guide is the official term. And that's just some helpful boundaries that you can set just a little free before you. And I also have my Boundaries course, which is self-paced if you just want something more like that. So obviously the one-on work with me is where you're going to get the deepest, most beneficial work. But there are other options out there. If you're not ready for that or can't the investment, you can't make that investment. So definitely check all of that out and I will see you in the next video. It's not a video, not, I keep calling it a video. I was a YouTuber once, a big bad YouTuber. I still have my YouTube actually should go check it out. There's all sorts of crazy weird videos on there.

(13:09) Steal a Kiss 33 on YouTube. I barely do videos there anymore. But yes, that was my life, my old life. I did makeup tutorials, I did vlogs, all sorts of fun. And I should be putting videos up there, but I'm very focused on my podcast and my book I'm writing. Once I finish my book, I might start doing more videos again just for funsies. But yes, you guys, I'm also writing a book about narcissistic abuse recovery and it's going to be awesome. I'm so excited. All this stuff I'm working on right now is just very, very exciting. So I can't wait to get that completed. I hope I'm writing that. I'm on chapter seven out of 12, but I'm going to go over it a couple more times. And I have a couple people waiting in the wings that are going to read it as beta readers. And then I do have an editor in New York City that I'm going to work with to edit it and the publishing. And I think she may be helping me with that too. But it's going to be unlike any other narcissistic abuse recovery book that is out there of that, I am sure. Right? I think if you know me, that's not a surprise. This is not going to be boring, old, stale facts. There's some queening going on in it. So stay tuned for that. Alright, I will see you in the next audio in the next podcast, not video and chin up. Shine that crown. You look amazing, okay? And you are so valuable and so, so special, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Okay? Okay. Bye.

Ready to stop feeling like a doormat in your own life? Snag your FREE copy of “Bye, Guilt. Hello, Boundaries! Guide to Boundaries That Stick (Without the Guilt Spiral)” https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

This isn’t your typical fluffy PDF. You’ll learn how to: 💥 Ditch guilt for good 💥 Set boundaries that actually hold up (even with narcissists) 💥 Protect your peace like the queen you are

This guide is your first step to saying nope with confidence—and meaning it.

—

🎧 EPISODE BREAKDOWN:

Let’s be honest—co-parenting with a narcissist is next-level. You’re not just managing a schedule… you’re managing chaos, manipulation, and emotional landmines.

In this episode, I’m breaking down:

• The #1 mindset shift that will change the game

• Boundaries that actually work with a narcissistic co-parent

• Scripts and strategies to stay calm, clear, and in control

• Why traditional co-parenting advice fails (and what to do instead)

This is your permission slip to stop playing nice and start protecting your peace.

—

💬 Join my private FREE Facebook group for support + healing:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989

—

💥 Want to go deeper with boundaries at podcast listener's VIP pricing?! Check out my Empowered Boundaries Course—a self-paced journey to help you stop people-pleasing and start standing tall in your truth. 👉 https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/?coupon=QUEEN50

—

Let’s connect: 💖 Instagram: @fiercechristyjade 💬 Email support & coaching: fiercemamac@gmail.com

  

👉 Book your private session → https://christyjade.com/somatichealing

 

:  

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Speaker 1 (00:00):

Tired of feeling like your narcissistic ex is still controlling your life somewhat, even after the breakup you're trying to co-parent. But it feels more like combat. Let's be real, right? Boundaries should help. So why do they not seem to work with them today? We're getting into y narcissists are different beasts when it comes to co-parenting and some boundary strategies that actually work. Let's go clean. Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back while you're in the right place. Queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry ice, and had to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck, and find healing methods that actually lasted.

(01:03) Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself. Again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there. And let's cue your royal glow up. Hello, it is Christa. Today we're diving into one of the most exhausting post abuse challenges, co-parenting with a narcissist. Let's be real. This is not normal. This is parallel parenting with a manipulative, self-serving adult child who uses the kids as pawns and the drama as fuel. They love that drama and that's why, oh, just communicate better or take the high road advice from well-meaning people doesn't work here. It doesn't work. And so let's break it down. Why are they different? Right? First, they don't want peace.

(02:10) Some healthy minded individuals after a divorce may be hurt, but they really do want peace in the end. So they might disagree with you, but they actually want the resolution a narcissist. They want what control. We know that chaos, they actually want chaos and a reaction. You're feeding them even if it's a negative reaction. So if your boundaries are focused on keeping the peace, you're already playing their game. Okay? Number two, they weaponize everything. So information, your tone, the kid's schedule, anything can be twisted. This means your boundaries have to be so tight, minimal. And my part of what I teach in my boundaries course and elsewhere is emotionless. And that's hard. That's hard for a lot of you, and it was hard for me, but there's ways to do it, okay? And number three, they see boundaries as attacks. They're not seeing, you're protecting yourself.

(03:19) They're seeing you attacking them. So it's a rejection. And we all know that narcissists cannot handle rejection. So they'll either push back on it, they'll guilt trip you, or one of the worst things, especially when you're dealing with co-parenting and children, they will punish you through the kids. So that's why setting the boundary isn't enough. You need a backup plan for the backlash because there inevitably will be backlash with a narcissist when you set a boundary. So some boundaries that actually work with narcissistic co-parents or parallel parents, we'll call 'em Number one, like I said, I love the no emotion rule. Use a no emotion, no explanation policy. So think of it like a business email energy. So I'm not available to swap weekends. Please refer to the agreement, not I can't this weekend I have a family event and I've been really overwhelmed. No, save all that noise.

(04:27) The unnecessary information that they can use to turn on you, they use it against you later. They'll twist it, whatever, no extra info, very to the point. They love when you overexplain. Keep it short, clear, no room for debate or conversation. Number two, communicate only through a parallel parenting app. So our family wizard is the one I have heard great things about, or talking parents. I don't know someone personally who uses that, but I've seen that also talked about. And they document everything and reduce that real time interaction. Why? Because narcissists specifically are less likely to manipulate when the receipts are permanent. They might still do it, but then it's documented and you have it against them, right? But they are a little less likely to, especially when they're not up in a rage to do that because they can be very calculated. So they're like, oh yeah, I don't want that outside of this circle with my ex.

(05:37) So it will help them and help you. So the bonuses, you won't be tempted to respond to their nonsense at midnight. You're on this app, it helps you too. So I just love technology in situations like this. Number three, set emotional boundaries with you yourself. Okay? This is the one no one really talks about. You are not just setting boundaries with them. You're setting them with yourself. Okay? So here's an example. I will not engage with my parallel parent after 6:00 PM whatever it is. Maybe that's not your time, maybe it's eight. Whatever suits your schedule and your peace of mind, let yourself have those nights where you can just relax and say, I'm not even going to acknowledge them. Number two, I will not read texts more than once. Don't get into that monkey mind where you read things over and over and try to analyze and figure out. Read it just once. And then to the third point, I will pause before responding so I don't go into trigger mode. And there's more on this in my boundaries course. But if you don't go into trigger mode, you help yourself keep that piece, you're helping yourself.

(07:06) They're going to keep coming at you. You can't control them. You can't control what you're doing. So you can control when you, you're accepting their texts, looking at them, you can control how many times you're looking at them. And you can control, even though it's a little hard saying, I'm going to go count to 30, right? Do something like that. And once you get to 30, your body has already calmed down a bit, and you can go into something else and then have a second point of, okay, now that I'm calm, I'm going to just leave that and I'm going to go do this. Maybe to take your mind off it. Put on some funny animal videos. Go throw some laundry in. Whatever you got to do to kind of get out of that triggered emotional response because you do not want to take their bait and respond while you were feeling that way.

(07:59) And we want to keep it short and simple, like I said. And when you're in trigger mode, you can't do that. So this though, a bonus of emotional boundaries with yourself is this builds that self-trust. We've talked about that. You have trouble trying to get back. You don't know if you can trust yourself anymore. This help builds that. Setting boundaries with yourself. You're making agreements with you and you're protecting yourself. And when you trust you, their chaos cannot pull you back in. When you get to that point where you start saying, okay, I've got me, I'm going to protect me. I know what I'm doing. They can't get you back in. I love that. So let's recap. Narcissists don't want peace. They want power. We know that regular co-parenting tips do not work on dynamics. They just don't. Number three, your boundaries need to be airtight.

(09:02) The biggest thing, emotion free, if you take anything from this podcast, emotion free and backed by emotional self-protection, right? So take the emotions out it, step away. Do not respond when you are triggered. Final thoughts here. You're not powerless, okay? You're not difficult or bitter for setting limits at all. They'll make you think you are, but you're not. I'm the queen. Be a boundaries. I know, okay, you're not. You're a mom. Reclaiming her peace in the middle of a damn storm. That is crazy. But do you know that's actually your superpower? That you are here saying, I'm going to show up for my kids. I'm going to show up for myself. I'm not doing this anymore. That's not bitter, that's not mean. That's smart as hell.

(10:02) So if you're ready to create boundaries that actually stick, even with the most manipulative X, you can download my free guide called Buy Guilt, hello Boundaries. I love it. And that is packed with guilt-free scripts starter steps to help you say no with zero apology. And you can go from there. I do have a course too, but check out that free guide first, and I will put the link as always in the podcast description area, the notes area, whatever you want to call it, and make sure you're subscribed to the podcast so you get all my goodies. But I'm so excited. This is a brand new free guide. This Buy Guilt, hello Boundaries. It's going to help you out. It's brand new. So it's got all sorts of good stuff that I have learned through the years and polished up. So go grab that. That is your homework for this day. Go grab that. It's, I'll have the link like I said in the description, and I will see you in the next episode. Don't forget, Thursdays are my quicker episodes that are more like hands-on healing from the body visualizations, meditations. Sometimes we'll do like a script, so they're shorter, little bite sized episodes that you can save and go back to over and over again. So make sure to follow the podcast so you get the notifications, and I will see you on Thursday. Bye, queen.

Breaking the Trauma Bond: What Keeps You Hooked (And How to Finally Break Free)

Episode Description (Show Notes):

You left… but you still feel hooked. You blocked them… but you still think about them. You know they were toxic… so why does part of you miss them?

Welcome to the trauma bond.

In this episode, Christy breaks down: What a trauma bond really is Why you feel addicted to someone who hurt you

The exact steps to finally unhook and come back to YOU

If you’ve ever felt confused, ashamed, or obsessed after narcissistic abuse—this is your wake-up call (and your soft place to land). 💕

Free Gift: The Boundaries Pocket Guide

Want to stop second-guessing yourself and finally set boundaries that stick without the guilt spiral? Download Christy’s free Boundaries Pocket Guide — designed to help you reclaim your peace and protect your power after narcissistic abuse. Grab it here → https://christyjade.kit.com/ce79ea9250

Ready to Go Deeper in Your Healing?

Whether you’re newly out or years into recovery, support changes everything. Here are 3 powerful ways to work with Christy:

Reclaiming You: 1:1 Clarity & Intake Session This 90-minute session is for the woman who’s serious about healing and wants to explore working together in a deeper way. It’s not designed as a one-off quick fix—but rather a powerful first step for those considering the monthly or 3-month coaching containers. If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure which path to take next, this session is for you. Book here: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/

3-Month Transformational Coaching Package This is the most supportive and spacious container I offer. We’ll dive deep into emotional healing, nervous system support, boundary work, and personal empowerment so you can rise fully in your peace and power. Learn more: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

 Related Episodes You’ll Love:

Still Attached to the Narcissist? This Deep Cord Cutting Practice Can Help https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/still-attached-to-the-narcissist-this-deep-cord/id1662241353?i=1000708306120

Thrive in 5: Still Energetically Tied to the Narcissist? Cut the Cord With This Quick Practice https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/still-energetically-tied-to-the-narcissist-cut-the/id1662241353?i=1000706789155

Stay Connected:

email: fiercemamac@gmail.com

Follow Christy on Instagram →

https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:00):

So you block them, you want no contact, whatever it is, they're toxic. So why does part of you still miss them or just obsess over them? Why do you feel guilty or worse even tempted to go back? I've been getting some messages lately with listeners who really are trying to stay away and out of the life and not take the bait, but it is hard for them. So let's go into it. If you've ever felt like you're addicted to the narcissist, this episode is for you. We're talking about the trauma bond, what it is, why it's so hard to break, and how to finally unhook and come back to you because you're the queen, right?

(00:46) Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice, and had to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck, and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there. And let's cue your royal glow up.

(01:44) Hello, beautiful soul. Welcome back to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Podcast where we were clean that peace, protect our power, and rebuild self-trust after narcissistic abuse. I'm Christy Jade, and today we are going deep into something most survivors wrestle with. I'd probably say all of them, even after they leave it is the trauma bond. That soul tie feeling, the obsessive loop that goes round and round in your mind, that craving for someone you know is harmful. And we can get shame about this, right? Kick that shit to the curb. We don't have time for your shame. Alright? So you're not crazy. You are trauma bonded and we're going to talk about it. So what is a trauma bond? It is a psychological and physiological attachment. These are real things, okay? Science that forms through repeated cycles of abuse and the intermittent reinforcement. So basically they hurt you.

(02:49) They love bomb you, so you feel relief, right? Then what do they do? They pull away again. It's like, yo-yo, right? And your nervous system actually does become addicted to this cycle. The ups and downs, it becomes attached to it. It's the cycle. It's familiar, and you want that relief, right? Even after they hurt you, you're waiting, okay, well, I'm just holding onto that high. So kind of like a slot machine. You don't really know what you're going to get each day. You keep pulling the lever, hoping this time they're going to love you, right? They're going to treat you right? You're going to change them. Maybe this is all stuff I've heard about in my own life, of course, and then heard from you guys and working with clients. So the more unpredictable the behavior, the stronger bond.

(03:48) That's why narcissists are masters at trauma bonding you so signs that you're still hooked even after going no contact or low contact. These trauma bonds can still linger. So here's some signs to know if you are still bonded, you miss them more than you want to admit. You might keep it on the dl. You fantasize them about them changing. Maybe even after you are broken up completely could be after you're divorced, these things happen, right? You doubt yourself or feel guilty for leaving. You have those moments. Maybe it's not all the time you feel anxious, empty or depressed without them. And again, this can be one or all of these. You don't have to necessarily feel all of these, but these are different versions. You minimize what they did. Oh, it wasn't that bad, right? Or look, we had good times though, right? That's minimizing the bad too.

(04:51) Or you feel pulled to contact them even when you know it's basically self-sabotage. You still have that pull. This isn't weakness. And I know we can feel weak when we're in this, I get it, but it's a physiological, psychological and emotional loop. And until you interrupt it, it's going to keep looping. So why is it so hard to break? We're going to break down why you're still hooked. Even when your logical mind, you know that guy, there's like on the left shoulder, his logic says run. There is brain chemistry involved in this. So take a sigh of relief, maybe hug yourself. Like, Hey, this is actually a real condition in my brain.

(05:39) So give yourself grace, please. So each high you got after a discard or mistreatment abuse, the hoover, the love bomb. That's the cycle. Discard Hoover love bomb released dopamine. You literally became chemically addicted to those tiny hits of validation and relief. And it's a cycle of knowing, oh, well, you know the pattern. You've been around this person long enough to know what the pattern is. So that can look like, oh, there's this abuse. I know what comes after it. That dopamine hit, it's going to feel better after. So I'm going to stick around for that dopamine. Okay?

(06:26) Also, you attach during crisis. So that's another reason you are hooked, right? So you brain bonded during trauma. This is a primal survival strategy. Primal. It says stay close to danger so you can control it. And this is a big one in my past. Predict it. You feel like, okay, at least I know I can predict what's going to happen. Spoiler, you cannot control it, but your brain keeps trying. It wants to, which makes sense. And then there's the low self-worth equals an easier hook. So another reason it's hard to break when someone makes you feel like only they can love you the way they love you. Or maybe you're not worthy of love, right? These abusers often will make you feel like shit, knock you down, crush any confidence you have so they can have control over you and hook you more, right? It can tap into your childhood wounds, unmet needs you had, whether it was childhood are grown and fears, just even based on fears that you can lower your self-worth. They become your source of value. Really, you're dependent on them in those dopamine hits and those love bombs to feel valuable. So when they pull away, you panic because your sense of self, which is not from this point on, that's not going to be our sense of self anymore. We're going to do this work, but because that sense of self is tied to them. So how do you break free? That's all Great. Christie, how do you break free?

(08:13) Let's flip the script here, Rick. Rick, here's how you start cutting the cord for real. First, label it as trauma bond. Naming it really out loud. Say it out loud. I'm a big advocate of saying shit out loud. Name it. This is trauma bond. It is not love. It is not a soulmate. It is a trauma bond. Say it. This is a trauma bond. Go ahead, queen. And then we're going to rename it from love toon. So that is going to reframe it in your mind and you might have to repeat that. You can repeat as much as you want. Put it on a beautiful old sticky note on your mirror. Number two, here we are my favorite going no contact. I know it's not as easy as it is for some as others, and some situations are hard to do. Do that in obviously co-parenting littles, but as limited as possible.

(09:17) Okay? So that's blocking on socials. Even if you just check their page or you're not following them necessarily, no, every exposure is another dopamine hit. Okay? Think about it. I want you to suck that up. Why do you check their socials? It's actually a dopamine hit. It's reinforcing your cycle of what the shitty shit and the dopamine hit. We want to get rid of the cycle. Cold Turkey is hard, but it is clean. We love a good clean break and it works faster than the slow trying to pull away from that dopamine ripping off the bandaid. And by the way, if you need help doing this and support, that's what I'm here for. So check out the ways to work with me in my show notes always there and my emails there. If you have any questions about what I think you need, you can always email me too.

(10:14) Alright. Number three, flood your nervous system with safety. We can't think our way out of this. This is a body thing. This is where the somatic work comes in. And I do somatic work with most of my clients. We need to feel safe in our bodies. That's where all of the somatic energy healing comes. So this, and it's like, oh, somatic. We're not going to get crazy going into somatic healing today. I'm going to give you a few examples of what you can do. Getting a walk in nature, grounding with your bare feet. Yes, go hippie on me. Okay, orienting practice. I think I've talked about this one, but you're looking around, you're naming what you see often. I will tell myself, prompt myself, okay, find four aqua things in the room. Aqua is a little harder than red, right? So I like a little challenge or find four different patterns.

(11:10) Find what are two smells I can smell? What are three sounds? I can hear the birds chirping, right? The air filter that's blowing the TV two rooms away. It makes you present. Breath work, even cold water. I don't mess with cold water. I don't care. I don't care how much work I need. I'm never doing the cold water plunge. Okay? But you do, you boo boo. So you calm your body, you clear your mind. And yes, those might be momentary, but hey, they all add up. If you want to do deeper work, hit me up. Number four, rewire the belief that you need them. Let's say it for the people in the back, in the way, way back, rewire the belief that you need them. Start affirming. Have you heard of affirmations? Yeah. Love shouldn't hurt.

(12:04) And maybe save this episode or write these down. You can repeat 'em. Love shouldn't hurt. I don't chase chaos. I choose peace. And this one, okay, I was taught conditioned that this was love. It is not. And I get to learn a new way, the real way, by the way. So you're not just detoxing from them. I'm going to repeat this. I really feel this in my heart that you need to hear it. You're not just detoxing from them. You're detoxing from the belief that love equals pain. Okay? You're so used to that. It was just part of the bargain, part of the deal. No, no ma'am.

(13:04) So detox from that belief, and you can keep those affirmations so you don't really miss them. I know it feels like that. You miss the illusion, the validation, the love bombing, the dopamine, the feeling special when they would put you in those moments. And the good news is you can give yourself everything you were chasing in them. Do you know that? Work with me, queen. You're going to be a confident as queen. Upgrade. We're upgrading our confidence here. If this episode hit home, go share it. Is there someone else who could use this that that's feeling hooked? Okay, save it. Let's normalize this part of the healing journey, because shame has no seat at our table or our throne, whatever you want to call it. If you want more help unwinding trauma from your nervous system, let's grab your intake call and start our journey.

(14:11) The intake call, it's about an hour and a half, an hour to an hour and a half, depending how far we go in your story. It's really me getting a background. We usually have time to do a little somatic exercise together, and then that sets you up and sets me up with the information so that we can start our really deep work together, like lasting work. And I say that because Somatic Healing was a life changer for me. I did therapy for years. I love therapy. I love all the shit, but the somatic healing, and I do both. We do a little therapy, but we also, we really focus on feeling better and safe in the body too, right? Because the body remembers everything. That's where it sits. That's where we upset. Stomach, stress, shoulders, all these symptoms that we get can be so related to our nervous system being so jacked up from all the years of dealing with this crap, right?

(15:18) Yeah. We work on the brain stuff too, the mind stuff. How to deal with the narcs in your life if you're still involved with them at all that. But we do both so that you can have a complete healing and really a healing that not just the foundation, but then afterwards you actually get to thrive, right? You're getting this, I almost picture it like a, what's it? A vault? You've run what? Jump on that vault and then you're limitless. You might feel like that's not even attainable right now. So I won't go too deep into that. I know it can feel far away, but I'm telling you, I've been there. I have gone through a lot of shit in my life and I am an amazing peace bubble in my life. I'm unshakeable. I know my truth. I don't take the bait of any freaking narcissist anymore.

(16:16) I have way more confidence and self-trust. Even more important than confidence is my self trust. You can get there. If I can get there, you can get there. Okay? So if you're interested in doing this work, one-on-one links are in the show notes or email me. Alright? Felt some passion up in here, but you are not alone. You're not broken. You're finally freeing yourself, right? This was a trauma bond and we're taking the scissors and we're cutting them, by the way. Ooh. I also want you to go in the show notes. There's also an energetic cord cutting episode I have. I think I actually have two of 'em. There's a longer one and a Thrive in five. If you don't know, I do thrive in fives on Thursdays. They're five minutes around. Five minutes. I'm chatty. So maybe 10 somatic healing exercises every single Thursday to get that hands-on ship. Okay? So I'll put those two episodes in the show notes as well. All right, see you in the next step. Love you. Bye.

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Why You Don’t Trust Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse (And 3 Ways to Rebuild It)

If you’ve ever left a narcissistic relationship and thought, “How did I not see that?” or “Why don’t I trust my judgment anymore?” you’re not alone. One of the most damaging effects of narcissistic abuse is the way it erodes your self-trust.

Gaslighting, manipulation, and emotional conditioning slowly train you to question your own reality. Over time, you start doubting your instincts, your memories, and even your smallest decisions.

In this episode, Christy Jade explains why narcissistic abuse breaks your ability to trust yourself and shares three powerful ways to start rebuilding that trust so you can reclaim your peace, confidence, and inner authority.

Calm & Clarity Reset Call

Feeling overwhelmed, stuck in obsessive thoughts, or unsure what to do next in your healing journey?

This focused 60-minute session is designed to help you calm your nervous system, gain clarity on what you're experiencing, and walk away with clear next steps to protect your peace.

Book your Calm & Clarity Reset Call: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/calm-and-clarity-reset-call/

Transformational Coaching (3-Month Deep Dive)

This container is designed for women ready to break free from trauma bonds, rebuild self-trust, and create strong boundaries after narcissistic abuse. Together we work through mindset, somatic healing, emotional regulation, and practical boundary tools.

Apply for the 3-Month Deep Dive: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

6-Month Queens of Peace Coaching Container

For deeper healing and long-term transformation. This container supports women who want sustained guidance while rebuilding their identity, peace, and personal power after abuse.

Learn more: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/

12-Month Queens of Peace Coaching Container

For women who want full support while completely rebuilding their life after narcissistic abuse. This container provides long-term guidance, accountability, and deep healing work.

Learn more: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/

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Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free) https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

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Empowered Boundaries Course https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

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Contact: 00:00):

Good morning, Queens. It is Christie and we are diving right into it. I am sick, almost getting over this thing. So if my voice sounds a little froggy, you hear a lozenge tapping around my teeth, that's why. And maybe why this is a little late today. Usually I post it by 6:00 AM and it is now 9:15. So sorry for the delay, but hey, better late than ever? All right. So if you've ever left a narcissistic relationship and thought, how did I not see that? How did I stay so long? How did I do this to myself? How did I do this to my children? Why didn't I trust my gut? There were maybe some red flags. Why didn't I pay attention to them? And maybe now you find yourself second guessing everything. Your memories, your instincts, even small decisions like what to get at the store, what to eat, what to say in a text message.

(01:00) If this is happening to you, I want you to hear this. You are not broken. Narcissistic abuse doesn't just hurt your heart. It erodes your ability to trust yourself. So today we're going to talk about why that happens and three ways to start rebuilding your self-trust. All right. So I'm your host, Christie Jade. Welcome if you are new here. Say hello. Follow my podcast so you get every episode. It's Tuesdays and Thursdays. And join the Facebook group. It's private and there's women just like you in there that are going through what you're going through and you can chatty chatsky and I post some quotes, sometimes the links to my podcast, and I'm going to start trying to do some mini videos in there. So definitely join that. That is in the description notes. So if you're here, you're probably someone who has experienced manipulation, gaslighting, emotional abuse, maybe physical abuse, maybe financial abuse from a narcissistic person.

(02:07) And hold on. I'm going to spit out my laws and you get to hear this lovely. I didn't do video this week because no one needs to see what's happening. All right. So one of the most painful things that happens after a relationship with a narcissist is something people don't really talk about enough. You don't just lose the relationship. You lose trust in yourself. And often we lose a relationship and think, "Oh, I'm going to find this freedom. I'm going to feel so good. This is so hard, but at least I'm going to be free." But that freedom has a little price tag with it. And that is that often we have lost our trust in ourselves and maybe other people, right? But today we're talking about the self-trust that we do lose. And I hear it from clients all the time. I've been through it.

(02:59) They say things like, "I don't trust my judgment anymore. I feel like I missed all the flags." Or maybe they saw a sliver, but all the good stuff kind of overrode it and they tried to rationalize it. Then they wonder, "What if I fall for this again?" That's a big question, right? And so I want to unpack why this happens and how to begin rebuilding that trust in yourself because here's the truth. Your intuition was not broken. It was buried under manipulation. Okay? So let's start with why this happens. Because once you understand the mechanism, it becomes much easier to stop blaming yourself because I really ... None of us look good in the blame crown. We want that shiny, gold, empowering crown that we deserve. So narcissistic relationships slowly train you to doubt your reality, right? This often happens through something called gaslighting, which many of you have probably heard of if you're in this narcissistic realm now.

(04:08) Some of you may not, but it's when someone repeatedly denies your experience or they twist reality so you start questioning yourself. You might say something like, "That hurts my feelings." And they say, "You're too sensitive," or, "That never happened," or, "You're remembering it wrong. You're crazy. You're way too much." And when this happens over and over again, something very important starts to happen inside your brain. It's a real thing. Your brain begins to think, "Maybe I am wrong." And eventually you start doing something that feels safer in the moment. You start doubting yourself before they can even doubt you. Your brain learns that trusting yourself leads to conflict. Okay? I want to repeat that again. This is something we don't really know when we're in it. Your brain learns that trusting yourself, which you're supposed to do, but it is conditioned to think, which is your reality in the situation, that it leads to conflict.

(05:19) And narcissists design that way on purpose. But questioning yourself keeps the peace. It keeps you safe in your situation. So you begin overriding your instincts. You ignore the gut feeling. You explain away the red flags. You tell yourself, "Oh, you're overreacting. You're just sensitive." And over time, this creates a deep wound to your self-trust. So when that relationship ends, you're left thinking, "How did I miss this? " But the truth is you didn't miss it. You were trained to override it. Okay? You didn't miss it. It was there, but you've been conditioned. And that conditioning takes some time to undo, but it can be done. Okay? So the three self-trust wounds survivors experience. We'll talk about those before we get into, let's fix this junk. All right? Most survivors experience three common self-trust wounds after narcissistic abuse. So the first is constant second guessing, right?

(06:30) You question your memories, you replay conversations. You wonder if you're being too harsh or too forgiving. Even simple decisions can feel overwhelming because you're afraid of making the wrong choice. And the second wound is decision paralysis. I'm sure you're familiar with this one. When your confidence in your judgment has been shaken, your brain starts trying to avoid mistakes. So instead of choosing, you freeze. You ask 10 people for advice. You research endlessly. You overthink constantly because part of you is still afraid that trusting yourself will lead to danger as it did in the past, as we mentioned.

(07:18) And the third wound is outsourcing your intuition. Instead of really getting calm with yourself, and that's why I'm such a big advocate of prayer and meditation, right? Spending time with yourself and relearning, retrusting yourself. But instead of checking in, you look to others for validation because you don't trust yourself. So what do you think I should do? Am I being unreasonable? Is this normal? And while support is sometimes helpful, healing means eventually coming back to the most important voice, which is your own. And I'm a God person. You don't have to be, but I am going to talk about God here on my podcast because I'm a God person and I relate that your own voice, your intuition to me is the Holy Spirit. So getting connected enough with yourself so that you are open to hearing God's voice.

(08:20) So what are the three ways to rebuild that self-trust? The good news is this. You don't rebuild it through huge life decisions first. Okay? We do baby sparkle steps, small daily evidence. Okay? So number one, start with tiny decisions, tiny decisions. And I've done this on some of the somatic healing journeys we go through. I've had a couple people where we go through, we literally envision going shopping together and just choosing things you like because some people are so conditioned. They say they can't even go to a store and pick out a piece of artwork or a new coffee table because they second guess themselves so much because they've been conditioned this way. So somatic healing is an amazing way to recover from this. But anyway, so start with simple questions like, "What do I want to eat this morning? Like what do I really want to eat?

(09:22) What would really make me happy to eat right now? Or what actually sounds fun right now?

(09:30) Or what would feel good for my body today?" They seem like tiny things, especially to people who haven't gone through this, right? But every time you make a choice based on your own voice, you're sending your brain a powerful message. You're saying, "My preference matters. My voice matters." Self-trust is built through hundreds of small decisions, not one huge one, which is the good news because you can do tiny decisions. You can start with that. So as I mentioned, meditation, prayer goes under the umbrella of number two, reconnecting with your body. So after narcissistic abuse, many people live almost entirely in your head, right? You analyze everything. You think everything through, but your body is actually where a lot of wisdom is held. Your nervous system sends signals like a tight feeling in your chest, a sinking feeling in your stomach, or a sense of calm and expansion, right?

(10:43) So learning to notice these signals, right? Stopping and getting in touch with your body. Again, prayer and meditation can be very similar. You're in quiet. You're with yourself. You have no distractions. It's just you and the big man upstairs, right?

(11:04) I like to pray first, kind of like, "Dear God, please let me relax and help me not be distracted right now and shine the light on what you would like me to feel and know in this moment." And if there's specific things, you get into that, either in prayer or meditation and notice what's happening to your body. Sometimes your body knows the truth before your mind is ready to accept it. That can happen, right? That's why this somatic work, grounding exercises or simply pausing to ask, "How does this feel in my body?" Can be powerful. I do that a lot. I go, "Okay, if my brain is like, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. " Which I had actually a big situation like that recently. Guilt was coming up of saying no to something. And I said, "All right, body, it's time.

(12:04) What is my body saying?" And immediately I knew my throat was tight, my shoulders were up to my damn ears. My body was saying, "No, I can't and I don't want to do this. " You have to listen to your body, all right? The body is very, very powerful. We just need to tap into it. All right? So the third thing, keep small promises to yourself.

(12:35) Self-trust grows through follow through. Okay? So you make huge commitments or huge, "I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that. " You can set yourself up for a letdown and to worsen the self-trust, right? So a smaller promise could be going for a walk you said you take, right? That self-care. So saying, "You know what? This week, Thursday at four o'clock, no matter what, I'm going for a 10 minute walk. We're talking small commitments. Okay? Next week you can make a 20, a 10 minute walk just to be with myself, to clear my head, to feel my body. It could be speaking up about something small or saying no when something doesn't feel right. Maybe that doesn't have to be a big decision this week, but maybe someone asks you to do a favor and say, Oh, hey, can you meet me up at the church to put together the cupcake, whatever, I don't know, before the bake sale.

(13:49) And you are really spread thin and you're realizing you need some more time for you, which is okay. You don't have to be everywhere for everyone. You could say, "You know what? I don't have time for that, but thank you for asking and I'd love to help in the future." Okay? No committing to anything else right now or you're committing to yourself right now or setting a boundary and sticking to it. This could be even with your kids. Maybe you are someone who has some guilt from staying in a bad situation and you feel bad and so you let your kids get away with the lot of stuff and they've been pushing more boundaries lately. And this week your teen is really upset and they think you're the worst because you don't let them do X, Y, Z. Everyone else does this and that, and you always cave.

(14:52) This week, maybe you don't cave. Maybe you say, "I love you. I need to do what I think is right for you. " And you can't go to that party when you have a test the next day, whatever it is, setting the boundary and sticking to it. You've got to stick to it. So each time you do that, you're telling your nervous system, "I've got you, baby. I've got you. " And over time, those small moments stack up until one day you realize something amazing. You're not asking everyone else what to do anymore. You're checking in with you first.

(15:37) And it's not going to be overnight, but it can happen. Just practice these little sparkle steps, do some somatic healing with me, right? If you take one thing from this episode, I want it to be this, okay? The narcissist did not destroy your intuition. It is not kaboom, boom, bow, gone. They simply taught you to ignore it. They did. They conditioned you. They did it on purpose and screw them, but that's another episode. Okay? Healing is the process of remembering your inner voice was always there. It was always there and it's still there. I always say, right? It's like I have a book called Solid Gold Mama. It's the same kind of idea. We have this solid gold inside of us, right? That's our intuition. That's our Holy Spirit. That's God's word. It's there. It does not go anywhere. You cannot damage or undo solid gold.

(16:41) You just can't. It's there. It's beautiful. It gets covered up by dirt. It gets covered up by mud. It might get dinks that pop right back out though. They will pop back out, but you cannot destroy that beautiful solid gold inside of you. And the more you listen to your intuition, the more solid it stays. The more when someone tries to kick it, it can't even get dinked. Okay? Is dink a word? I want to stop saying dink right now. All right? But if rebuilding self-trust is something you're working on, this is the work we do inside my coaching containers, right? Helping women reclaim their peace, protect your power, and rebuild trust in yourself after this abuse. And you can find all the links in the show notes. I do have three programs that are three, six, and 12 months. If you would like to get a taste of this amazing work, there is a one-off call you can do so we can chat, see if it's a good fit, and do maybe a little tapping.

(17:59) If you don't know what tapping is, it's so fun.

(18:04) We can work on that, depending on how the call goes. Sometimes it's mostly talking. We'll try to fit something in at the end. If it's not a lot of talking, we can have a longer session. It's whatever you need will happen. And you have to trust that. I know that's hard for us, but trust that that will happen. No session is the same. No one session is the same for all my clients and even within one of my clients. I have clients that have been with me for years and none of their sessions are ever the same. And it is amazing work. So when you sign on, we do long-term. In the beginning, it might be a little more talking and some somatic. Some clients come in and where they are, they talk a little and most of the session can be somatic. Or it might be one session, they're really drained and just want to have a quiet somatic session, or they feel really chatty and they want to talk and get out their stuff and then navigate how to work with their co-parent.

(19:11) And then the next week we'll calm their nervous system with the beautiful joy ride soul cation. There is so much magic in this work. I just love it. I love it. I love it. Obviously, that's why I do it. So if you're interested in doing one of those calls, whether it's a one-off call or diving right into one of the programs where you do save money, the longer you commit, that's just how these things work, right? All those options are in the show notes. And again, join the Facebook group. There's a boundaries, little freebie pocket guide. If you're not the best at boundaries, there is actually an empowered boundaries course. That's there if you want to check that out. All my stuff's always in the show notes. Okay? And if you have any questions, my email's always there too. FiercemamaC@gmail and you can write me, just say hello.

(20:05) I answer every single email myself, which won't be forever. I am getting more emails and more clients and all of that, but while it's there, take advantage of it and say hello and I will write you back directly. All right. I hope you guys have a beautiful Tuesday, Wednesday, whenever you listen to this. And don't forget, Thursday is our Thrive in Five, and that will be a beautiful and related to today's episode, Somatic Healing Experience. So I hope you all can join me for that. So definitely, again, follow the podcast. This is an ongoing journey that every episode builds on the last one. So it's like this stacked journey of joy. All right? I love you guys. I'll see you in the next one. Bye.

Seeing the narcissist appear happy, thriving, or “better off without you” can trigger a wave of anger, sadness, and self-doubt. Many survivors of narcissistic abuse find themselves measuring their healing by what the narcissist’s life looks like now.

In this Thrive in 5 episode, Christy Jade walks you through a short EFT tapping practice to help calm your nervous system and break the mental loop of comparing your life to theirs.

Because the truth is this: your healing has nothing to do with whether the narcissist seems to be winning. Your healing is about reclaiming your peace, your power, and your focus.

If you’ve been stuck checking their social media, wondering if they’re happier, or feeling triggered when it looks like they’ve moved on quickly, this episode will help you shift your energy back where it belongs — on your life.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why your brain keeps tracking what the narcissist is doing after the relationship • The nervous system pattern that keeps survivors focused on the narcissist • How EFT tapping can interrupt obsessive thinking and emotional triggers • A guided tapping sequence to release the need to monitor their life

Feeling stuck in the mental loop of the narcissist? Let’s reset it.

If you’re tired of the obsessive thoughts, emotional triggers, or constantly replaying what happened, my Calm & Clarity Reset Call is designed to help you shift out of that spiral quickly.

In this focused 1:1 session we’ll calm your nervous system, untangle what’s actually keeping you stuck, and create clear next steps so you can move forward with confidence.

Book your Reset Call here: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/calm-and-clarity-reset-call/

3-Month Coaching Container: Reclaim Your Peace

This container is designed for women who are ready to stabilize their nervous system, rebuild self-trust, and start creating real emotional freedom after narcissistic abuse.

Apply here: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

6-Month Coaching Container: Queens of Peace

For deeper healing and long-term transformation. Together we work through trauma patterns, boundaries, nervous system regulation, and rebuilding the life you want after abuse.

Apply here: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/

12-Month Coaching Container

This is the highest level of support for women ready to fully reclaim their power and build a life that feels peaceful, confident, and aligned.

Apply here: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/

Additional Support & Resources

Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free) https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts https://christyjade.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/

Empowered Boundaries Course https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

Free Facebook Community https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

Contact: 00:00):

Hello. I have to do some intro music because I don't have time to do the whole thing this week. So we're going to go. I forgot my music. Welcome back to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery with me. How's that? Should that be my new diddy? All right. So you guys, yes, it's been a crazy week, kind of a tough week. If I'll be honest, we all have our weeks. A kind of tough week for me. I know I want to talk about stuff more, so maybe I'll take that opportunity. So also connect in the Facebook group, you guys. Don't forget. Don't forget. It's always in the show notes. You can join there. It's a private group. So it's not public. No one can see it. And there's questions to make sure no sketchies or bots get in there. You have to provide your email, all of that good stuff so we know it's like a safe place to chat.

(00:56) That being said, yeah, there's been some shifts and I am very excited to really focus on my business and just really concentrating on my book. I've been working on my book, if you guys don't know that, which is related to narcissistic abuse recovery. Very excited about it. And I have some really cool leads where hopefully it will be able to get seen and impact more people than I hoped even. So cross your fingers and pray for that. You know my goal is to help as many women as I can deal with ... And men. I've had men write me too that listen to this podcast. So thank you. Thank you. This advice is not just for women. That's true. I just happened to specialize in working with women because I'm a woman and I know the woman things. But also if you hear it, I don't know if I'm getting sick or it's the crazy weather here in the DMV.

(02:00) I live right outside of Washington DC. And right now it's dropping dramatically to 30 something degrees when it was 84 degrees yesterday. It's wild. It's been absolutely wild weather here. So hold on to your seats where you are too. I heard there's some weird shifting in Colorado or Utah too, just some weird weather patterns. So here we are. Anyway, but I wanted to connect about ... I'm on this journey and sometimes we have to pivot and people like us who have gone through a lot sometimes are afraid to say no or afraid to make decisions that may impact other people and stay stuck because we have a tendency to people please. And we kind of have that, "Oh, I want people to like me and whatever." It's like this conditioning when you've gone through abusive situations where you feel like, "Yeah, I really don't want to upset anyone." And that's a great goal.

(03:30) We never want to upset anyone, right? But sometimes when things are not aligned in whatever way, you do have to make decisions and you have to do what is right for you, which usually, let's be honest, is right for everyone because you're not going to be the best you if you stay in a relationship and whatever situation, if you're staying out of fear. So if you're in any situation right now where you're staying out of fear of either letting someone down, which is, that's my biggest thing. I do not like to let people down. It will eat at me and that's something I've worked on. And so my body, look, my somatic body's still catching up with that a little bit. I know it's okay to do and that we're not going to make everyone a thousand percent happy all of the time. However, my body still is a little stuck going, "Oh, but it still feels bad a little bit." So that's why we do these certain things like tapping we're going to do today.

(04:50) It's an example to show you this is like life doesn't stop lifeing. Your feelings don't stop. When you're quote healing, that doesn't mean you don't feel things or you don't get triggered or you don't have certain reactions. It's having the tools with, well, how do you deal with it when it comes up? So yes, this week I've had triggers, I've had guilty feelings, all sorts of stuff come out and I have the tools that I have so my body and nervous system can go, "You're still safe. It's not the end of the world. Your brain knows that, but this body over here is having a little trouble." So you're going to have reactions. Today we're going to do tapping around watching them move on. This is a theme that has come up with multiple clients of mine. So like recently, so I noticed a pattern and was like, maybe this is God telling me I need to do a tapping session in general.

(05:51) And I was first just going to put it on like YouTube, like do a short on YouTube or Instagram and maybe I'll still do that. But I felt like, well, where's my real audience? Where are my peeps? And you're here. So even though we're on audio, I'm going to walk you through and tell you what to do with the tapping. I'm doing a video. I look like trash because I'm not feeling very well, but I'm going to put the video on YouTube. So I will link that in the show notes so you are able to get the visual if you want it and just don't mind my trash look. Today, what is it? Thursday? Thursday's trash look like Christie. All right. So watching them move on. First we're going to talk about it real quick. Watching them move on is never easy. Even if let's say you're the one who decided to end the relationship, you're the one who decided to walk away or just you know it wasn't right and that they were mistreating you, all of this.

(06:51) And you're like, "Well, why do I still care? Why am I still looking at their social media? Why am I still upset when I see my ex, let's say it's co-parenting." When I see him now dating someone and logically you get upset with yourself going, "Why do I care? I know he's not good for me. I don't want to be with him. He's awful. Why do I care?" But that is a part of this. It's because you've been so conditioned by this type of person and that's a whole other episode in and of itself. Part of that can be worse tying to comparison. They have moved on and maybe you haven't or they move on and you look at this new person thinking, "Oh my God, is she better than me? " Do they think she's nicer? Are they going to treat her so good?

(07:50) Thinking that this partner's going to change, which no, they'll treat her like trash eventually too. They will love Bomb like they did with you in the beginning, right? But a leopard's a leper, right? Those spots don't change with narcissist usually. Also, what do we call that 0.0060147% that change? Maybe, but let's not hold our breath for that. So you get my point, right? You often want to look at yourself and have that strength to say, "I don't care. I don't care." But you're human and you've been conditioned and there are worth issues for you that have stemmed from being in a relationship like this where you are now trying to figure out your worth by what they're doing. And so we're going to end that. We're going to end that today. So with tapping, you tap certain points. Now I got to put ... Where am I going to put my microphone?

(08:54) I didn't think about this. I'm holding my microphone because I'm in my bed today. It's a lazy day. I usually have it on a desk, so I'm going to have to figure out what to do with that. But the tapping points, when you tap them, you do this karate chop point in the beginning. That's to activate. I call them like the energy channels, right? Where this stuff really gets more embodied in your body rather than just words. Words are great too. Repetition. There's all sorts of things that can help rewire the brain. Tapping it in your body is another level where you're doing these points and your body's starting to viscerally feel and accept, right? Kind of digest what you're saying with your brain now that's signaling your body once you're opening these channels. So it's finally working in parallel rather than just the brain going, "Oh yeah, I know logically I shouldn't care." But your body's like, "But I care." Right?

(09:46) Does that make sense? Good. All right. So this practice will help release the habit of measuring your healing by what a former partner, friend, boss, whatever, parent is doing with their life. Maybe it's after you have cut them off, maybe you're co-parenting. This is the one that's come up a lot in the last couple of weeks for my clients, seeing that they really are having trouble with seeing their exes move on and questioning themselves because of it. So it's bringing focus back to you, your body, your nervous system, and your own healing, because that's what matters. What they're doing really has nothing to do with you, but I know sometimes that's hard for us to ... We can hear it, but to process it is a very different thing, right? All right. So that being said, let's start. So it's good with tapping, so you just get a sense.

(10:51) You first will rate zero to 10. You will ask, when you think about what their life looks like compared to yours in general, or with this person, a new person, or just in general, maybe they got this amazing job or they got the gorgeous house or the race car or the donuts. Okay. Notice how activated your body is, right? How do you feel? Not your thoughts, but really like, how's your body feeling? Rate it from zero to 10, the intensity of that anxiousness or annoyance or whatever comes up. We don't need to label the feeling. We're labeling the intensity of that feeling, zero to 10. So I'm going to zoom back on my own life. I had broken up with a narcissist, and I will tell you it was my choice.

(11:54) At that point, finally, I had gone back to him and broken up, but when I really ended it the last time, I was very, very sure. When I ran into him, how many years later I had that visceral reaction. I had it in my body of, A, just him moving on. He was with someone else. I was like, all these thoughts of, "Oh, what if she's more this? What if she's more that? " Even though I didn't want to be with him, it was just how this kind of works. I'm trying to think viscerally what that would've been like then. Probably an eight and I wasn't even ... I mean, that was a couple years after. So that intensity, what is that, zero to 10? Just remember that number. And now we're going to go into the actual tapping. So of course, get settled and take a good halo breath through your nose and now at your mouth.

(12:52) Let your body just settle a little bit. And all right. So the karate chop point. I guess it's good I'm holding my microphone because I'm going to have to describe it without doing it for you audio people. But no, I do need to find something. Hold on. Let me see.

(13:14) Okay. So karate chop is halfway between the bottom of your pinky and the bottom of your palm on the side. So it's the sides of your hands in the middle there, in the meaty part, each hand. And if you're watching, you can see me. Okay? If you're not, you basically put those in a cross position like perpendicular. So those spots are meeting and you're just bouncing, right? One, two, three. You just, you're karate chopping your hands together, opening the channel. This part you only have to do once when you are starting the rounds. We're going to do three rounds today. Yeah. Okay? So got your karate chop point. I got my little script. I made a beautiful script for you guys. All right. So you're going to repeat after me while you're just doing the karate chop point. As we're opening up, just listen to these words and repeat after me.

(14:20) Even though I keep measuring my healing by what their life looks like, I deeply and completely accept myself.

(14:37) Okay. Next. Even though part of me keeps checking, whether they're doing well or not, my nervous system learned to watch them to stay safe. Okay. Last one here. Even though my mind keeps going back to their life, I'm open to bringing my attention back to myself. All right. So now we're getting to the regular tapping part here. Okay? So we're going to have three rounds. Round one is acknowledging the pain. So let me tell you the points. As we go in round one, I'll tell you where to put your fingers. We're going to use your first, middle and ring finger, keep them together, right? Like they're little buddies, their cousins hanging out. And on the eyebrow, we're going to start right in the center, like where your eyebrow starts essentially, right? And you're just going to tap there and repeat everything after me. I'm not going to say it every time.

(15:48) So anything I say, I'm giving you space to repeat. All right. So this is acknowledging the pain, round one.

(15:55) So we're on that eyebrow point. I keep thinking about what their life looks like. Side of the eye on the temple, same three fingers. My mind keeps checking on them. Under the eye, that orbital bone right there. Are they happy? Are they struggling? Now under the nose, this is halfway between the nose and the upper lip. It feels like that somehow means something about me. Chin, just in the middle of the chin. My brain learned to monitor them. Then we go to the collarbone. I kind of spread my fingers out a little bit here. That's what helped me survive the relationship.

(17:04) You can do underarm where the bra strap would lay on the side of your body. My nervous system got used to tracking them. They were going to bring it to the top of the head, right in the center, so that your three fingers are like in a line front to back. And that habit is still there. Round two, we're doing understanding the nervous system here. Okay? Back to the eyebrow. My brain still thinks I need to watch them. Side of the eye, temple, as if their life determines my healing. Under the eye. But that's an old survival pattern.

(18:10) Under the nose. My body was trained to stay focused on them. Now the chin, but I don't have to live there anymore. Collarbone. I can start bringing the focus back to me. Underarm. My healing lives in my body. That's right, Queen. Back to top of the head. Not in what their life looks like. Okay. For round three, reclaiming focus. Okay, go back to that eyebrow. I'm allowed to stop measuring my healing by them. Side eye. I can measure healing by my peace. Yes. It's the good stuff. Round three is always the best. Under the eye, by my calm, under the nose, by my boundaries.

(19:42) The chin. My ability to choose myself. Collarbone. My nervous system learning safety again. Underarm. My life getting bigger. Top of the head. And them becoming less important. All right. Now place a hand on your heart. Take a nice, slow inhale through the nose and release. Notice your body. Ask yourself what feels different in my body right now. Not your emotions, what feels different? Small shifts in your breath. Your shoulders, tension, your chest. All signs that your nervous system is healing. That shift is actual healing. So going back to that zero to 10 scale, we started where maybe it was a seven or an eight. What is it now?

(21:14) I imagine it's dropped. That's why we do this, right? And that is proof that your body absolutely can heal through this type of work, right? Through rewiring plus coding it through the body with methods like tapping. There are many more, but tapping is always a fun intro one. So if you want more, if you want more, if you want one-on-one somatic healing like this with the coaching and navigating like we do all of it, I will have all of my offers listed. I do have ... Let's see. Let me look. I think I have two more openings for the month of March for my special calm and clarity reset calls. And I can tell you what is included in that. So that is one call. It's 60 minutes. It's a Zoom. It's to help calm the emotional overwhelm quickly, to feel grounded instead of reactive, a safe space to talk through what's happening, and then personalized boundary or response guidance.

(22:35) And then a clear next step, plan. What do you need to do next? And then options for continued support. So ongoing support is what makes true transformation, obviously. So this can be a lead into that. This can be a, "Oh, I'm curious about this work. Let me try it. " And if you like it, you can have ongoing support with me once a week and work on not just the mindset, not just navigating. And we do that and that's great, but also this mind-blowing body work, this somatic healing that to me was the missing piece of the puzzle for so many years. So you'll walk away with a calmer nervous system, right? Not just talking it out. Sometimes we can talk it out and feel worse or just heavy. And then the clearest next step for your situation. And then if you want to work on a script, a boundary, a response plan, if you're in a situation made with a co-parent or a parent, your own parent, whatever the situation is so that you can just have some clarity and calm because those are a big part of peace.

(23:54) And you know, I'm the queen of peace over here. So I hope you enjoyed this. And definitely look at, go check out the Calm and Clarity Reset call, sign up for that. And then if you know you want ongoing work, which some people just jump into, I have three, six, and 12 month options. Everything's listed in my description box. Okay? So definitely come, do the one-on-one work. You deserve it. There is so much transformation that you can have that you have no idea the joy and peace you can feel until you do this work, especially if you're someone who went through a lot of childhood stuff. You may not know what it feels like to be at peace and to be clearheaded and to trust yourself. And we do all of that work, but that is, you got to show up. And that is the ongoing work to do that level of transformation.

(24:56) So if what you want to do right now is just a one-off call to just get a little nervous system calm and a little direction, great. If you want to see about ongoing work but want to test it out, that call's great for that too. And if you just want to dive the hell in, like some of my clients do, they skip that call and they're like, "I know I need to do this. " There are all those options too. And with those calls also, the longer you sign up, there are different pricing tiers you do save if you sign up for a little longer term and you get the benefits of getting access to me every day, not all day, every day. I got a life guys, but on an app called Voxer. So you can text or leave voice message for me between the weekly calls, which my clients love this bonus.

(25:54) And this is only with the ongoing packages, but it's great for when you're just spinning out and you need a little either talk it out or a little, I give customized even like tappings or affirmations, customized different little somatic methods I can give through the app. And or if someone's asking, right? I have co-parents ask advice like, "Oh my gosh, he just wrote me this. What should I respond?" Stuff like that. Okay? So it is a great, great bonus you have when you do ongoing work with me. But either way, sign up. If you have not done somatic healing, let's do it. Can we please do this together? It's amazing. So sign up there and don't forget to follow. Like I said, this is an ongoing thing. So you want to get as many of these episodes in as you can. Thursdays are the Thrive in Five.

(26:52) So that's the ones you want to save and you can use at your leisure when things come up to help your body chill, your mind chill. So don't forget to follow on whatever platform you're on so you don't miss any of these episodes. Okay? All right. You are queens. I love you guys so much. I will let you go and I will see you in the next one. Bye.

 

Have you ever noticed that just when you start moving on… the narcissist suddenly becomes kind again? Sweet messages. Apologies. Promises to change. It can make you question everything.

In this episode, Christy explains the manipulation tactic known as hoovering—why narcissists suddenly act nice when they feel you pulling away, how this behavior fits into the narcissistic abuse cycle, and what you can do to protect your peace. If you've ever wondered whether their sudden kindness means they've truly changed, this episode will give you clarity.

🎧 Listen to the episode: https://www.podbean.com/eas/pb-fh2h2-1945389

Your Next Step in Healing

If you're dealing with hoovering, emotional manipulation, or the lingering effects of narcissistic abuse, you don't have to navigate it alone. These patterns can be confusing and exhausting—but clarity and peace are possible.

Working together can help you break trauma bonds, rebuild self-trust, and confidently protect your boundaries.

1:1 Coaching Support

3-Month Transformational Coaching Container This container is designed for women who want focused support breaking free from narcissistic abuse patterns, strengthening boundaries, and reclaiming their peace.

https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

6-Month Queens of Peace Coaching Container For deeper transformation, this program helps you fully rebuild self-trust, emotional stability, and confidence after narcissistic abuse.

https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/

12-Month Queens of Peace Coaching Container The most comprehensive option for women who want sustained support while rebuilding their life, identity, and relationships after narcissistic abuse.

https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/

Additional Support & Resources

Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free) Learn how to set boundaries without guilt. https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts Exact scripts to handle narcissistic texts and manipulation. https://christyjade.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/

Empowered Boundaries Course Build strong boundaries that actually stick. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

Join the Free Facebook Community Connect with other women healing after narcissistic abuse. https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

Related Episode

How to Spot a Narcissist in 60 Seconds One of the most popular episodes of the show. Learn the fast red flags that reveal narcissistic behavior early. https://www.podbean.com/eas/pb-4sj92-15e6a4b

Contact

Email: 00:00):

Ever notice this? You finally start pulling away from the narcissist, you get strong, you get fierce and queeny, and suddenly they're nice again, overly nice. Sweet texts, apologies, promises. Today, we're talking about why narcissists suddenly act nice and the manipulation tactic called hoovering that pulls so many people back in. Welcome to your Thursday Thrive In Five, your five-minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to. Take a breath queen, this one's for you. All right, queens. It is Christie with the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Podcast. Welcome back or welcome if you are a newbie, a newbie queen. Welcome to the show. Today, we're talking about something that confuses almost everyone who has dealt with a narcissist. You start getting your power back, right? You stop chasing them. You stop overexplaining yourself or explaining yourself at all. And out of nowhere, they're nice again.

(01:10) And you're like, "What just happened? What's happening?" And this usually shows up right when you start detaching. So maybe you stop texting back so fast because you are losing the conditioning that everything is urgent when it's not. Maybe you set a boundary and say, "I'm not going to let you talk to me like X, Y, Z anymore." Maybe you emotionally checked out. Maybe it's been a while, you are burnt out from their nasty, sticky, ugly spiderweb and you're just disconnected. And suddenly they miss you. They appreciate you. They're sorry. I have quotes up if you can't see me in the video. If you're just on audio, I'm putting a little quotation over that, sorry, because they're fake apologies. Okay? Or our personal favorite here, "I've been doing a lot of thinking." And your brain goes, "Wait, maybe they are really changing." But what you may be experiencing is called hoovering.

(02:19) So what is hoovering? It is named after yes, the vacuum brand, because the narcissist is trying to suck you back in. When they feel you pulling away, they switch strategies. Instead of criticism, they'll give charm. Instead of distance, they will give you and shower you maybe even with attention. Instead of blaming you, they will give apologies. But the goal usually is not healing. The goal is regaining access to you. I'm going to repeat that again. Their goal is not healing, which it would be lovely if it was, but it is regaining access to you and control over you. In case you're new here, all narcissists seek really is control and that feeds them. So why do they suddenly act nice? There's a few reasons this happens. First, they feel that control slipping. When you stop reacting, it changes the whole dynamic. They love a good reaction.

(03:29) It shows them that you're under their control, that you are affected by them and they love it. It feeds them. It literally feeds them. So the narcissists rely heavily on emotional reactions. So when that supply, as we call it in this world, narcissistic supply, when that supply disappears, they try to get it back. Second, they want to reset the cycle. So narcissistic relationships usually move through phases. We have the love bombing, right? And that's like right when you meet them, they love bomb you to get you. And then that comes back. There are these cycles. So love bombing, devaluing. That's when they start treating you poorly. Even they can start out slow sometimes where just like little dismissive comments that just kind of like beat you down a little by little emotionally, maybe physically, right? They're devaluing you. And then the discard where they really are treating you almost like trash.

(04:35) And then comes the hoovering. That's the cycle reset. So if they can pull you back in, the pattern starts again. So they will do that love bombing. The hoover you in, love bomb you, go back to devaluing and discard, push you to that edge again, bring you back in. It is a hideous, hideous cycle. Why it is so confusing. Here's the tricky part. Sometimes during hoovering, they really do seem different. They're good at what they do usually. They're kinder, more thoughtful. One of my recent clients, an ongoing client of mine, during one of these cycles, he was buying her all of a sudden, and this is years into it. She had really pulled away a lot, set major boundaries, left him. He hoovered her back in. And what happened? He love bombed her with trips, beautiful gifts. Let's do this to the house, whatever you want, baby.

(05:47) Start being more thoughtful. Let me bring you coffee in the morning. This is such a perfect example of love bombing after Hoovering. And it will and can make you question everything. You start wondering, maybe I misunderstood them. The most common one I see is maybe they've changed. Something like ... They realize what they lost and now they're going to change. But what's important to look at is patterns over time. So real change does not show up as a few nice texts or even a couple trips, right? It shows up as consistency, accountability, respect for boundaries. So if you are in a phase, and I hope you're not, and I hope you don't get Hoover back in, but if you're in the midst of it right now and you've been Hoovered and you're back in and like, wait, he is acting, he or she is acting different.

(06:48) You've got to maybe even test things, set a boundary, see their reaction, right? Do a couple boundaries. Really test for that accountability and not just lip service on things that matter, not just a nice gift, not the things that are easy emotionally, right? A little easier than actually emotionally having to show up. And most importantly, which this is the hard part, right? Is does it last? And unfortunately, if you're in it right now, you may not know that until you've been in this cycle a little longer. But if you know the cycle goes back and forth and back and forth like this, that should be enough clarity for you to say, "Oh, this is a big pattern. We've done this three times. We've done this eight times. We've done this 90 times. It's time for me to pick up and go. " So the question that changes everything, instead of asking, are they finally changing?

(07:57) Try asking, does this match their long-term pattern?

(08:03) Because narcissists often become the nicest version of themselves right when they feel they're losing you. Not because they've transformed, right? That's not why, but because they want the connection and the control back. They want that cycle back. So if the narcissist in your life suddenly becomes nice when you start to pull away, or even if you're co-parenting, right? And you'll probably go through this. And this is what really mind F's everybody in these situations because you'll be like, "But he was so nice. Wait." And then now he's acting whatever again. And it's like you can even forget sometimes in the midst of their niceness, just how awful they've been because you're swooped up in their niceness. So this can happen whether you are currently with someone or if you are having to deal with someone like an ex that you're co-parenting with, or maybe your parent that you are maybe a little distanced with, but you have to deal with them and you're confused because you're like, "Well, they're nice to me the last couple weeks." And then next week you don't know what's going to happen.

(09:21) But secret is you do know. If there's all these narcissistic traits, and you can go through my episodes to find those episodes, I'll try to remember to link one of them, the traits of narcissism. You can figure out what and who they are and look for the patterns. So if they're nice to you when you start pulling away, when you start creating boundaries, when you're like, "I'm not doing this anymore," pause, breathe, breathe, do that halo breath in through the nose, out through the mouth and remember kindness during hoovering is often part of the cycle, right? Not the end of it, it's part of the cycle. It never ends at kindness. It never ends at love bombing. A cycle never ends.

(10:19) The worst case scenario cycle is it ends when you have got the real short end of the stick in many ways, right? We don't want you getting there. We don't want you to get to that point. We want you to get out of this cycle, right? So your job is not to decode them, not to figure out, have they changed? You've seen the patterns. You know what's coming next. This is a cycle. It's a cycle. Cycles doesn't have an end, right? Your job isn't to figure that out. We figured it out for you. You're in a cycle and your job is to protect your peace, however you can do that. I know it's very hard if you are in a co-parenting situation, but there are ways to do that. Obviously, I would say right now, 90, 95% of my clients are co-parents, maybe a little less right now.

(11:31) It goes up and down, but generally, it's usually at least 80% of my clients, right? Our co-parents in crazy situations, and we are able to, one, navigate them.

(11:44) I help with that. And then two, help your nervous system. So no matter what situation you're in, the beauty of the somatic healing we do, that's the body, healing through the body, no matter what you're going through, we can help heal your body in any situation. So that's the beauty of this work, right? We can help you navigate. We can't control other people. We can't control what they say or do, but you can control and start to alter through healing, through the body healing, be able to start at a higher vibe, essentially, and be able to deal with more and navigate easier and start to know yourself, trust yourself, and be built strong like a bull with a queen's crown on, so that you can find more peace. Your job is to protect your peace. Your job is not to control them or to change them or to figure them out.

(12:48) Your job is to protect yourself and your children, if that's the case.

(12:57) So if you're dealing with any sort of narcissistic or toxic situation right now, and you want to have a one-on-one customized session with me, I will link my information in the show notes. It should be in the little description box. There's always my links to work with me, and you can email me with any questions. I read every single email, and just know that you're not alone. There's a Facebook community just waiting for you to join, and it's private. So I will link that in the show notes as well. So check out all the things in the show notes, and don't forget to follow, because this is a long term journey, right? Narcissistic abuse, and it ain't easy going through it. So in solidarity, be with your people, be with us, come listen to these. Thursdays are my shorter somatic healing little methods, tips, and tricks, and tools, little bite-size episodes that you can save for when you're having a moment, when you're spiraling, when you're questioning yourself.

(14:08) So those are on Thursdays. So make sure you do follow my podcast so you get notifications, so you'd know when I'm like, "Hey girl, hey, it's time." Yes, Queen, it's time. So Tuesdays and Thursdays, and yes, if you have any questions at all, feel free to email me at fiercemamase@gmail. It's also in the description, and I hope you are having a beautiful day. Don't let the narcs keep you down. All right, shine your crown. I'll see you in the next one. Bye.

Narcissists love sending ‘urgent’ texts to hijack your peace. In this episode, Christy explains why they do it and how to shut it down fast—so you can stay calm, confident, and in control

📥 Free Gift: The Boundaries Pocket Guide Want to stop second-guessing yourself and finally set boundaries that stick without the guilt spiral? Download Christy’s free Boundaries Pocket Guide — designed to help you reclaim your peace and protect your power after narcissistic abuse. ✨ Grab it here → https://christyjade.kit.com/ce79ea9250

🛠️ Ready to Go Deeper in Your Healing? Whether you’re newly out or years into recovery, support changes everything. Here are 3 powerful ways to work with Christy:

✅ Reclaiming You: 1:1 Clarity & Intake Session 💻 Book here: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/

✅ 1-Month Private Coaching Container 💻 Apply here: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/

✅ 3-Month Transformational Coaching Package 💻 Learn more: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

🔗 Related Episodes You’ll Love:

🎧 Still Attached to the Narcissist? This Deep Cord Cutting Practice Can Help 👉 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/still-attached-to-the-narcissist-this-deep-cord/id1662241353?i=1000708306120

🎧 Thrive in 5: Still Energetically Tied to the Narcissist? Cut the Cord With This Quick Practice 👉 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/still-energetically-tied-to-the-narcissist-cut-the/id1662241353?i=1000706789155

✨ Follow Christy on Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/

 

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:03):

Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to take a breath Queen. This one's for you. All right, queen, let's talk about that moment. Your phone dings and suddenly your peace is gone. It's the narcissist and the message is urgent. Or at least they say it is. Maybe it's call me now or it's an emergency, or it's important answer or even as low as the kids need. You sound familiar? Well, here's what you need to know. Those out of nowhere or urgent type texts are rarely about real emergencies. They're about control. A narcs favorite word. Alright? So a narcissist wants you to yank out of your calm, especially if you're doing well, you're moving on. Ooh, that irks them, right? They want to spike your anxiety and test if they still have access to you, if you're still going to take the bait, if you're still going to respond.

(01:22) I always say, don't take the bait, keep it very simple. Gray rock method. We talked about that on Tuesday's episode, speaking of which, this episode is related to Tuesday's episode, which was all about these texts, and today is just a quick tool to handle them, basically handling those fake emergency texts. So step one, pause. Do not reply instantly. And we mentioned this in Tuesdays, but that's a quick note, right? Just pause. The pause puts you back in the driver's seat. So when you feel like stressed out, when you read it, take a breath and pause. Two, check the facts. Is it truly urgent? If it's not about your kid's safety or something, life or death, it can wait. Step three, respond and don't react. Keep it short, neutral and business-like that. Gray rock method. So an example, and I go over this all more in depth than Tuesday's episode if you didn't listen, so that will be in the show notes.

(02:37) Example is noted. I'll handle it when I'm able to, period. Okay? No overexplaining anything. No getting emotional. Keep it to the basics. To the facts. Okay? So the next time your phone lights up with a fake emergency from your least favorite narc, remember, you are not at their beck and call, okay? Your piece is what's important. Your piece is what's urgent, and you decide when and how you engage. Girl, you got your damn power back, right? That's what we're doing here. Shining our crowns, getting our power right? So if you want more scripts or strategies, how to navigate all this stuff, grab my free Boundaries pocket guide as a start, and then if you want to work one-on-one and do customize scripts, customize strategies, that's where the real transformations happen. I always have the ways to work with me one-on-one in my show notes, so check it out.

(03:46) And you can also join my free Facebook community with other ladies like you. I drop some truth bombs out there and I always put the podcast episodes. Sometimes I'll do some videos. So definitely go join that community. What else? I guess that's it. That's it. It's pretty, this might be my shortest episode ever. How crazy. Wow. Under four minutes. All right, give me a high five through the screen. Give yourself a little queen hug and I'll see you in the next episode. Don't forget to follow this podcast too, and help me help more people. Love.

In this episode, I read the letter I’ll never send — and share what it taught me about self-trust after narcissistic abuse. If you’ve ever felt paralyzed in conversations, questioned your own reactions, or normalized what your body knew wasn’t safe, this one is for you.Your Next Step in Healing

If this episode hit close to home, you may be in the stage where understanding isn’t the problem anymore — your nervous system just needs support integrating safety and clarity.

✨ Calm & Clarity Reset Call A focused, private session designed to help you regulate, gain perspective, and leave with clear next steps when emotions feel overwhelming or confusing.

https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/calm-and-clarity-reset-call/

 

3-Month Deep-Dive Container Focused support to break trauma bonds, rebuild self-trust, and create emotional stability after narcissistic abuse. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

6-Month Queens of Peace Program For women ready for deeper identity rebuilding, boundary mastery, and long-term nervous system healing. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/

12-Month Queens of Peace Mastery High-level mentorship and integration for lasting transformation and full life reclamation. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/

Additional Support & Resources

Free Boundaries Pocket Guide https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts https://christyjade.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/

Empowered Boundaries Course https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

Free Private Community https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:00):

Have you ever felt paralyzed in a conversation like no matter what you said, it was going to be wrong? Like your body was braced even when things were quote fine. Today's episode is different. I'm going to read something I've never read before. And if you've ever loved someone who slowly made you smaller, this is for you. Welcome to your Thursday Thrive In Five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to. Take a breath queen, this one's for you. Okay. So this episode is going to be a little different. I'm not teaching first, I'm going to read something and it's not about one specific person exactly. It's about a pattern. And if you see yourself in it, I want you to listen all the way through. All right? Here we go. Dear narcissist. I didn't see you at first and that's the part that still gets me.

(01:12) I didn't see anything that felt overly dangerous. I saw intensity. I saw big emotions. I saw someone who reacted strongly and I told myself that just meant you cared deeply. You told me that meant you cared deeply. I thought the chaos meant passion. I thought the tension meant connection. I thought if I could just communicate better, it will calm down.

(01:48) What I didn't see was how I was changing. I started feeling paralyzed in conversations and I mean any conversation, not just fights or conflicts. I would rehearse what I was going to say in my head before saying it out loud because somehow I already knew it would be wrong. No matter what I said, it would get twisted. And eventually I stopped trusting my own reactions. I started questioning whether I was even justified in feeling like you were overreacting. Maybe I was too sensitive, like you said. Maybe I did misunderstand like you said. Did I even provoke it?

(02:40) All things you conditioned me to believe. So instead of holding my ground, I backed off or I overexplained. I took responsibility for things I did not do. I avoided topics that might set you off. Fixing it, fixing us became my role and keeping the peace became my job. And my body was keeping score the whole time. My tight chest, my tight jaw, the constant exhaustion, pure exhaustion, feeling drained all the time. This low grade brace in my nervous system that really never went away, even when I white knuckled through. Even when things were quote fine, especially when things were fine. And to the outside world, to people who maybe got glimpses, "I protected you. I joked about it. I minimized it for myself and for them.

(04:02) I made it sound dramatic, but normal. I didn't want people to see what I wasn't fully admitting to myself, that this was not just conflict. It was dangerous unpredictability. And that unpredictability, that constant unpredictability does something not just to your mind, but your body. There were moments that did cross lines. Moments my body knew were not safe. And instead of leaving, I normalized them. That's the part that is sometimes hardest to say out loud, that the shame and the guilt, that's where those come from. I normalized what my nervous system was screaming about. And the moment I couldn't unsee it, it wasn't dramatic. It was clarity.

(05:12) It was realizing that this was not just emotional intensity. It was escalation. That my health mattered, that my peace mattered, that my safety actually mattered. And that protecting you was costing me myself. I didn't cut you out because I hated you. I cut you out because I finally loved myself more than I feared the fallout. I couldn't do it anymore. And once I saw it clearly, I couldn't go back to pretending it was just complicated. You were turmoil. You were chaos, but I am not. And now I don't live braced anymore. I don't twist myself to survive conversations. I don't minimize volatility to keep anyone's peace. And I don't and will not protect people who harm me emotionally or physically.

(06:48) You don't get to live inside my brain anymore. You don't get to control me. You don't get to control my thoughts. You don't get to control my actions. You have lost that control and I have gained it. And that is freedom. So let me step out of the letter for a minute because if you resonated with that, I want you to understand something. This isn't just my story. That's why I saved some of the specific details. It's a pattern I see in so many women healing from narcissistic abuse. And here's what I want you to hear. If you feel paralyzed in conversations, that is information. Healthy relationships don't make you rehearse basic sentences. If you feel like no matter what you say, it's going to be wrong. That isn't a communication issue. It's a power imbalance.

(08:00) If you constantly question whether you're justified in your feelings, that's conditioning. And when your words get twisted enough times, you stop trusting your own perception. You start thinking, "Maybe I am too sensitive. Maybe I am overreacting." That self-doubt did not appear out of nowhere. It was trained into you. And your body? Your body's not dramatic. It's a tool we have, right? It's a tool. You get the tight chest, you get the clenched jaw, the exhaustion that I talked about. After simple conversations, daily conversations, repeated daily, weekly conversations that are usually conflict. Your nervous system doesn't lie. So if your body feels unsafe, even if you can't logically prove why, that matters.

(09:05) And protecting someone who harms you is not loyalty, it's survival. Many of us were taught to smooth things over, minimize, joke about it, protect the other person's image. But the day you stop protecting someone who is hurting you is the day you start protecting yourself. And that's where the healing actually begins. Clarity can feel like grief at first. Once you see it, you can't unsee it, right? But it is also freedom. And if you're in the stage right now where you're starting to see patterns clearly and you feel that mix of grief and strength, it can really be confusing. You don't have to navigate it alone. That is exactly the kind of work that we do inside my Calm and Clarity Reset call. This is my new offer I've been talking about last episode or two. It's just one focused hour to untangle what's happening, regulate your nervous system and get clear on your next step.

(10:27) It's a soft place to start because you deserve peace that doesn't require survival skills. And it starts with regaining trust in yourself again, which can feel far right now. I get it. I've been there, right? But it is possible. I work with tons of women who start where you are and have amazing transformations. If you want to just jump feet first in, I have three, six, and 12 month programs as well. Or if you want to just take a little nibble and do that calm and clarity reset call, it's a great place to start. Okay? So I hope this helps in some way, maybe just a solidarity, maybe clarity in your own journey.

(11:32) And maybe it's the push to say, "I want to get unstuck and I deserve more." So if you have any questions too, you can always email me my email and all the links to my programs or working with me one-on-one and a boundaries course. I have all sorts of goodies in my description notes. And the show notes of the podcast should be on the episode descriptions themselves and the main page. And don't forget to follow because this is a long game. It's not as long as you think. I will say that. It's hard to explain, but this healing journey can be quicker than you think, but it's not overnight. We have to be realistic here. We have to go through the process. But one-on-one, my clients will tell you we can have some tears, but we can have some laughs and some good times. And we get great sessions that are mind blowing, really mind-blowing work.

(12:38) Somatic healing is amazing. If you don't know what it is, it is healing through the body. So we do coaching, narcissistic recovery coaching. Obviously we're doing that kind of talk therapy, et cetera. And then we do these beautiful methods of somatic healing, which is healing through the body because the body often is a little step behind of the brain. You might think something, but your body's still stuck. So we get unstuck in magical ways. Yes. I'm not talking fairy magical. Just to me, it's God magic. I'm a big man upstairs follower. So if you're on that journey too, that is helpful and we can always implement that into it as well. Sometimes we pray. If you are a God person, if you're not, we don't. If you are and we get on that topic, we can infuse a little bit of that Holy Spirit activation in there.

(13:38) See, there you go. There's the magic. Holy Spirit magic. That'll be my next course. All right. Well, thank you for listening. Thank you for letting me share. I may share more details of my own experience on this podcast, but right now this moment is really for you and this is for just knowing that you're not alone and that there are these patterns and that you do deserve to feel better and to heal better. All right. Don't forget on Thursday, I have Thrive in Five, so we will do a little quicker episode, somatic healing episode or little quick TED Talk or something, whatever comes out of my body. And those are on Thursday. So again, don't forget to follow. And there is a Facebook group. Please join that with women, like- minded women like you. It's a private group, so you don't have to worry about bots and spammers in there, peeping on our stuff.

(14:42) And yeah, I'm just so excited for you that you landed on my podcast. So welcome if you're new and if you are an oldie book Goodie, thank you for supporting and sticking around and hanging out. And always feel free again to email me with just a hello or any questions or if you want to suggest a topic. All right. Look for all the information in the show notes and I'll see you in the next episode. Bye.

Still Missing Them Today? Do This Instead (Thrive in 5)

You thought once you left, the missing would stop. But instead, certain moments still hit — a memory, a song, a quiet night — and suddenly you question yourself again.

In this Thrive in 5 episode, Christy Jade explains why missing a narcissistic partner does not mean you made the wrong decision. What you’re actually grieving isn’t the person — it’s the version of you that existed inside the trauma bond and the future you believed was coming.

You’ll learn how to reinterpret that feeling in real time and use it as a signal to reconnect with yourself instead of looking backward.

If you’ve been caught in obsessive thoughts, emotional pullbacks, or sudden waves of longing after leaving, this episode gives you a grounded, nervous-system-safe way to move through it.

Your Next Step in Healing

 

✨ Calm & Clarity Reset Call A focused, private session designed to help you regulate, gain perspective, and leave with clear next steps when emotions feel overwhelming or confusing.

https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/calm-and-clarity-reset-call/

 

3-Month Deep-Dive Container Focused support to break trauma bonds, rebuild self-trust, and create emotional stability after narcissistic abuse. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

6-Month Queens of Peace Program For women ready for deeper identity rebuilding, boundary mastery, and long-term nervous system healing. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

Free Private Community 00:03):

Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to Take a Breath Queen. This one's for you. Hello queens. If you caught yourself missing them again today or yesterday, hopefully not both. This episode is going to change how you interpret that feeling in the next five minutes. Alright, so quick reset moment. If you listen to my last episode from Tuesday, we talked about how you're not actually missing the narcissist, you're missing something a little deeper. So today I want to give you one powerful practice to use in the exact moment that missing feeling hits, because here is what happens. Your brain labels the feeling as I miss them, but your nervous system is actually saying, I miss familiarity. I miss certainty. I miss who I thought I was becoming. So instead of reaching for the memories, try this pause and ask yourself, what version of me feels far away right now? Not them you.

(01:30) Maybe it's the hopeful person. Maybe it's the secure version. You remember the woman who felt chosen, the woman who believed life was about to open up there was more coming. That is who your system is grieving. I just had a conversation with a client yesterday about this. You're grieving and here's the reframe that changes everything. Okay? You didn't lose her. Okay? She's not gone. That queen is still in there. She just hasn't fully met the safer environment yet. So when the missing shows up today, don't interpret it as a sign to look backward. Interpret it as a signal to reconnect inward.

(02:35) A lot of times we look back at these memories and the what ifs and why did I do that? This living in our head, spinning in circles, replaying, wondering, confused all the feelings and the thoughts are exploding in our minds at once. It's time to go inward right into the heart and then take one small action that supports your stability. You need stability right now. We're missing stability, right? So text somebody that you feel safe with, okay? Nobody that has any relation to this person that you don't feel safe with that connection there. Okay? So let's not text their sister today A safe friend. Maybe it's your sibling, maybe it's a coworker that you're very close with. You can go outside, right? Stability. Physically. You can get stability from grounding. There's grounding techniques you can do or just walking. There's something about grounding your body, right?

(03:59) Regulate your body in some way. Exercise even. I mean, like I said, walking, but even just something simple. Dancing, right? Putting on some fun tunes, shaking a tail feather. Maybe two, do they have two? Tail feather? We're getting weird now. Let's keep going. But regulating your body in some way, moving your body very beneficial and reminding yourself, I'm not going back. I'm coming back to myself. The authentic self. I refer to this as that solid gold block we're all born with and no matter who we are, narcissistic abuse or not, a lot of shit kind of covers up that solid gold block. That's the authentic us. That's in a way our higher self, our highest self that we can be and not trying to be like, oh, let's achieve this. I'm not in that way. It is our unique golden, beautiful self that we desire to feel like that loves ourself, that feels confident, that feels secure, feels safe, all of those things.

(05:23) And you're coming back to that. And healing isn't about forgetting them. It's not about them. I want to reiterate that it's not about forgetting them, it's about remembering you and who you truly are. And you may I get it. I can hear you from here. Some of you saying, I don't even know who that is. I don't remember who she is. That's where I come in. Or your therapist comes in. You can do work on your own. There's a lot of different methodologies that you can use. Somatic healing is amazing. If you didn't, here, I have a couple of spots open. Now I'm going to start opening these for two people every month I'm going to do one-off sessions. Usually I don't do one-off sessions really anymore unless someone pops up from an old episode where I did offer them, or now, right now I am offering some really special one-off sessions.

(06:42) They're my clarity and calm sessions. If you need a nervous system, wind down, kind of feel like you even just need a next step. Maybe it's the next step in. How do I even try to figure out who I am? What does that even look like? If you find yourself saying, what does that look like? That's where we can work together and we have one session zoom call. We'll do a little coaching, maybe a little somatic healing in that body and get you ready for that next step and then that if you want to, you can continue with me into one of my programs that are three, six, or 12 months. And those are deep transformative programs. But even just that one session will give you some clarity and some calm. That's why I call it that because I'm a basic B, because I know some people, maybe you don't have it in you to commit. Maybe you don't have the finances to commit. That's okay. Just getting a little clarity can go a long way and help you feel better right now and know what direction to head in. So if you're interested in that at any of my programs, including the calm, clarity and calm call, say that five times fast. That is always in my show notes. Any of my offers are in there. I have a boundaries course. That's amazing. Really good.

(08:22) Well, it drips every week and then you have it for the rest of your life. You can look at my face for the rest of your life. Yes, it's videos. So that's 10 videos. It's really good stuff. I'm very biased and I have a couple freebies too. I have a little boundaries pocket guide. It's adorable and fun and I don't know, I don't remember what's listed as far as the freebies. And there's the Facebook community, which is, it's getting more engagement in there. So join now while people are talking to each other because you guys leaning on each other. First of all, it makes me so happy to peep in there and be like, oh, they're talking to each other and encouraging each other and going like, girl, me too. I love that. We need that when we're in the situation. So look for that support.

(09:12) It's a private group, so not going to have any creep opioids in there. Everyone, you got to answer questions too. So yes, you do have to answer questions and give me your email so I know you're a real human. And so it is a women's only Facebook group. It's private, and you get to chat with other women that have gone through or are going through what you are, right? It's always nice to have that support. So definitely look in the show notes for all the information. You can email me too if you have any questions about my programs. My email is in there as well. And yeah, that's about it. It's nine 15. Here it is, nine 15. You know what? I'm a tired little lady. I don't know why I love recording my podcasts at night. Sometimes I've time during the day and I'm like, Hmm, I'll do it tonight.

(10:09) I'm very much a night owl. Do I have any night owls out there? Is that trauma? Do we have trauma night owl syndrome? No. That, I swear it runs in my family. My mom is a super night owl. She now naps during the day, but she's always been a night owl. I will say while she was single parenting us, sometimes she'd pass out on the couch though after dinner because that woman did a lot. Shout out to the single moms of the world. You are super, super people, super moms. And then my grandma was very much a night owl. I remember in my twenties, this is when I don't know how, I know my audience ranges in age. So this is going to age us older women here. But when the Kylie Jenners, not Kylie, what was the other one? What's the, oh my gosh, I can't even remember now.

(11:11) Kylie is so big. I can't even, she's overshadowing her sister. But all the Kardashians, yes, whatever K word, Kardashian. The Kardashians show I think had just started or something. But I remember being up with my grandma. I live outside of DC and I would go up to New York to visit my grandma at Christmas time. I'd stay there a little extra. My mom would come home here and sometimes I'd stay. So I was staying with my grandma and she loved tea and s m's, coffee cake and rest in peace. My grandma passed in 2020. I just adored her. So we would sit up every night so late. I loved it. Let me have caffeinated tea in the middle of the night. Well, I was having an monds caffeinated tea. No wonder she was a night owl. And we would stay up till like three. I remember once it was four in the morning and I was like, my grandma's such a badass.

(12:15) And we were watching this, I think it was the Kardashians, and I feel like Donna Versace was on it. She didn't know who the Kardashians are. She's like, what is this shit? And then she's like, is that Donatella? She knew her. I don't know. Crazy weird memories just popping through my head and I'm sharing it with you. I feel like I need to connect with you guys more on a more real level too. I'm always just so excited and I don't want to make my episodes too long, so I try to just keep it very focused, but I feel like I'm not very focused, and I want you to see that A, and also share a little bit about me so you can get a little more familiar with who I am. And then I would love to know more about you pop in. I have people say hi in my emails.

(13:05) Say hello, introduce yourself. I get emails sometimes that make me so happy that are just people saying, Hey, I binged your podcast episodes and they've helped me so much, X, Y, Z, and tell me their stories. And I love that stuff, you guys. So if you just ever want to share, I appreciate it so much because it helps me know that I'm truly impacting and helping people, which is obviously my purpose here. And it's just so cool to get to know all of you. Sometimes we'll have a couple back and forth emails. So I read every single email. That might not be the case forever as I get more and more and my numbers grow, which is very exciting and I love that. But that does mean eventually I won't be able to keep up with the volume. But right now I can and I love it.

(14:02) So yeah, I guess that's it. I'm really excited for spring to come. I am a warm weather person, so I'm really, really excited for that. DC has been way colder than usual. It's been a snowy ass cold winter, which I mean that should be, but I'm not here for it. So I'm so excited. It's going to be 60 whole degrees later this week, and you would think that means it's like 80. I'm like, oh my God, it's the best. So excited. I'm going to cry outside and just dance naked. That'd be weird. Neighbors might not like it. So I guess it, I'll end on that cutesy note, right? And you guys take these words today, right? Remember, first of all, everything's going to be okay. I know it. Don't feel that way. Can I just put that out there? Just hear me. Everything's going to be okay.

(14:57) It might take time. You might need to do a little work, but you're a capable queen, so of course you're going to be able to do that, okay? And you're not going back. You're coming back to your self, that solid gold piece of hunk, of chunk of burning love gold inside your body. We're just dusting off all the crap that I think I forgot to finish the sentence back earlier, now that I think of it. When I was saying we have this solid gold block, I side tangent, but I always view it as society. Other people, no matter what abuse or not, we get all this stuff that just covers up and causes us insecurities, or especially with social media, there's so much and they become a little different version of ourselves. So we're trying to get back to that solid gold, authentic block of gorgeousness that deserves the world and deserves to feel confident and good about yourself and deserves love and to feel worthy. So I want you to say, repeat after me if you so dare. I am worthy.

(16:11) I am loved. I'm a queen. Yeah, you are. You look good in that gold crown. Girl. You look so good. All right. I'm going to stop being creepy myself over here and don't forget to follow. So you get all my episodes. I mean, how much more fun is life with my podcast, huh? It's fun, right guys? I mean, not fun stuff we have to deal with, but I try to make it as fun as I can for you and I do. Honestly, joking aside, please reach out if you just want to share your story or have a question. Okay? I will see you in the next episode. Have a fabulous rest of your week. Bye.

If you’ve left a narcissistic or emotionally abusive relationship but still find yourself thinking about them, questioning your progress, or feeling pulled backward emotionally — this episode will bring powerful clarity.

You’re not actually missing the narcissist. In this episode, Christy explains why calm can feel uncomfortable after narcissistic abuse, how trauma bonding conditions the brain and body, and what’s really happening when memories or longing resurface.

This conversation will help you release shame, understand your healing process, and begin retraining your body to feel safe in peace again.

Your Next Step in Healing

If this episode hit close to home, you may be in the stage where understanding isn’t the problem anymore — your nervous system just needs support integrating safety and clarity.

✨ Calm & Clarity Reset Call A focused, private session designed to help you regulate, gain perspective, and leave with clear next steps when emotions feel overwhelming or confusing.

https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/calm-and-clarity-reset-call/

 

3-Month Deep-Dive Container Focused support to break trauma bonds, rebuild self-trust, and create emotional stability after narcissistic abuse. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

6-Month Queens of Peace Program For women ready for deeper identity rebuilding, boundary mastery, and long-term nervous system healing. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

Free Private Community 00:00):

Hello Queens. Have you ever caught yourself thinking about them and then immediately getting mad at yourself afterwards? Why am I still thinking about this person I left? I know who they are, I know what they did. So why does part of me still feel pulled back today? I want to gently flip something upside down for you because you're not actually missing the narcissist, you're missing something else. And once you understand this, a lot of shame is going to go, we don't like shame in this room. No we don't. Welcome to your Thursday. Thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting and that text you knew better than to reply to Take a breath Queen. This one's for you.

(00:53) Alright, so welcome back to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery. I'm Christie, as many of you know, if not welcome, thanks for showing up. And if you're here today, I already know something about you. You're not where you used to be, right? You've learned, you've woken up, maybe you left. Maybe you're emotionally detaching, maybe and trying to stay grounded, but there's still this confusing moment that happens sometimes, right? You're doing better and out of nowhere a memory hits or you wonder what they're doing. Or your body feels heavy, chest tight, maybe you feel a little nostalgia, right? And then the second wave after that is guilt or shame around that. What is wrong with me? Why do I still miss them? This doesn't make sense. So what we're going to talk about today is what's actually happening because this moment right here is one of the most misunderstood parts of healing.

(02:00) Alright? So here's the truth. Most people never explain. You're not missing the narcissist. I repeat. You are not missing the narcissist. Isn't that? That's like a relief, but you're not so sure yet are you are missing what your nervous system learned to expect while you were surviving them. They're two very, very different things. So when you were in that relationship, your brain and your body, that's the somatic healing we talk about. Adapted. In order to keep you safe, you learn to scan their moods. Remember that Not so fun. You learn to anticipate their reactions. You learned how to fix any fixers out there? Yeah, I see you, I see all of you. You learn to soften to manage them if you know and to do whatever you could to prevent the explosions before they happened. So your body was constantly on alert. So here's the part that surprises people.

(03:10) That constant emotional intensity created chemistry. So high stress, that high, high, high chaos followed by relief. The conflict followed by moments of calm or reflection, maybe even got fake apologies or flowers or just calm. It could have just been calm where it wasn't chaos. And that's good enough for us, not really, or fear followed by reassurance. So that cycle releases powerful, neurochemicals, adrenaline, cortisol. You've probably heard all the things about cortisol, dopamine probably heard that. These are like buzzwords nowadays, right? But they're real. And that cycle releases them. It's like the storm before the calm. So even though it was painful, it became very familiar. I would almost call it comfortable because it was so familiar. And the nervous system loves familiarity more than it loves happiness. Do you know that? I'm going to repeat that one again. Your nervous system actually loves familiarity more than happiness.

(04:31) Okay? Your nervous system chooses familiar before it chooses peace. We're going to break that cycle though. We're going to break it. We don't like that. We want peace. Who wants peace? Can I get an amen? Yes. Okay, good. So when you actually leave or when you detach emotionally, something strange happens. Life gets quieter and logically that's good. You're like, yeah, this is what's supposed to happen. But your body is going, wait, why is it so calm here? Are we actually safe? I don't feel safe because calm used to mean something bad was about to happen. Let that one sink in. Calm used to mean something bad was about to happen. Calm before the storm. Silence used to mean tension was building. You knew when it was silent. It's like when there's a toddler and it's way too quiet. And then you go in the room and it's like there's marker all over the wall and glue on the seat, right?

(05:39) Silence with a arc. When the intention was building, there's a cycle. There is the abuse cycle. And during that cycle, what happens before it's the calm, before the storm there's love bombing or there's convincing you everything's fine. Maybe there's some quiet and then maybe boom. So peace to you feels unfamiliar. And unfamiliar can feel very unsafe in our bodies. So your brain tries to solve that discomfort. The only way it knows how, it brings your attention back to the person connected to that old pattern. And that's not because you want them and miss them in the way you're thinking. That's why you're missing is confusing because it's not how you actually miss maybe someone you have in your life that is a healthy connection. Your body is trying to return to what it recognizes. That's all what it's been conditioned, right? What confusingly felt familiar slash safe, but not safe in the sense of the word as we really know it and want it to be.

(06:51) So this is where so many women judge themselves, they think missing thoughts mean they made the wrong decision. They think healing should feel like just instant freedom. But what's actually happening is it's a detox. You are detoxing from survival mode. You're teaching a nervous system that learned chaos, how to live in peace. It takes time. This is not a little switch flip, so let's reframe it a little bit. You're not craving the relationship in the way that a normal relationship would be craved or if you break up and there were lots of great qualities and this and that, and you miss the person. This is different. You're grieving the familiarity. You're releasing a role that you had to play for a long time. This was part of your identity, right? The fixer, the peacemaker, the emotional manager. You were busy girl, you were really busy and oh, I do want to say, and boy and man, I have found out I have more men followers than I thought I did.

(08:09) So shout out to all of you too. And it sucks just as much for you guys and you can be my kings, okay? But when that role disappears, king or queen, there is space. A space can feel really uncomfortable before it feels freeing. Okay? And that doesn't mean you're going backward. I just had this conversation with one of my clients actually, it doesn't mean you're going backward, it means your healing is actually working. Okay? So that's the good news. That is the good news. That discomfort just means you're recalibrating. So here's something you can do the next time, a memory or longing hits. Instead of asking why do I miss them? Pause and ask, what does my body need right now? And then orient yourself. Do you guys know Orient yet? If you've been a long time follower, you probably do. If not, you are about to learn a little tool that elementary kids can learn. My daughter does it herself. It's a great, great way to calm your nervous system and it's easy and it's fast and it's fabulous. Okay, look around the room slowly. Name three things you can see. I love to do examples. So what's in my home? The gnome in the corner, of course I have a gnome, the basket with my dog's leash in it and my smart water to make me smart.

(09:46) So you name three things. Feel your feet on the ground. If they're not on the ground, put 'em on the ground. Or I kindly ask you to place your feet on the ground if it's comfortable for you. Lexie, I'm being gentle. Alright? And then let your shoulders drop just a little. So we're looking around, we're grounding ourselves with our feet, letting our shoulders drop and just taking a nice inhale through the nose and out the mouth. My favorite halo breath, it's called, you're teaching your nervous system a new message. I am safe without chaos. And every time you do this, you weaken that old attachment. Not through force, but real safety, not the fake safety that it has with that narc. Okay, that was fake news, safety. So if this episode hit you today, I want you to know something very important. This stage, this confusing middle ground is where the real healing happens.

(10:55) Not when you realize the truth, not when you first leave, which we would love it to be that way, believe me. But when your body starts learning, that peace is allowed. Now it's huge and it's also a stage we're where support can make a very, very big difference because understanding is powerful, but regulation is what creates that lasting change. So I actually am offering new one-off sessions. I'm only doing a couple this month. I'm going to do a couple every month just for those of you who need quick support are not looking for ongoing and really want to just get the next step and a somatic tool to go a little to go package. Let's talk about it that way. A little to go package something that we will have an hour long zoom call one-on-one with yours truly. And I will hear you out for a few minutes.

(12:00) See what we're working with. We'll do a little somatic exercise depending on what it is, and a little coaching with a next step and knowing what you need to do next. So if ongoing support is not what you're looking for or can afford right now, this might be a good solution for you to just feel a little better, get a little settled. This my clarity and calm sessions, my resets. So that link along with my ongoing support will all be in the show notes. And if you want to email me, ask me any questions, my email is in there as well. And until next time, remember, you're not broken, you're not weak, okay? You're not missing them. No ma'am. You're learning how to feel safe before being yourself again, basically, until it all comes together. And it takes a minute. So don't forget to follow wherever you are on the podcast, whatever podcast platform.

(13:10) Follow me. Say you don't miss my episodes. I have two a week. Tuesdays and Thursdays and Thursdays are my thrive in fives, I call 'em. And they are just a little somatic fun. Five to 10 minutes, little bits that you can save for moments where you're feeling a little want, want not at peace, which we all have. They're useful really to anybody. And what else? Oh, you can join my Facebook group for Queens just like you, just you going through what you're going through. So join that group and that is also in the show notes, the link to sign up for that. It's private. So don't worry about that. Don't worry about all the narcs coming in and spying on us, okay? They can't get in. It's a narc free zone. Alright, you guys have a great rest of your week until Thursday, because come back Thursday for some more goodies and yeah, love you. Bye.

Contact: fiercemamac@gmail.com

You can understand narcissistic abuse intellectually and still feel your body react instantly when they reach out. That doesn’t mean you’re stuck — it means your nervous system hasn’t learned safety yet.

In this Thrive in 5, Christy shares a simple, powerful reset you can use in real time when you feel triggered, flooded, or pulled back into old emotional patterns. This short practice helps interrupt the automatic reaction cycle and teaches your body that you don’t have to perform, explain, or fix anything to stay safe.

If you’ve been looking for a small but powerful shift to help your healing actually stick, this episode gives you one you can start using today.

Your Next Step in Healing

If you’re ready to move beyond awareness and start creating real emotional freedom, deeper support can help you practice these shifts in real life — not just understand them.

Work With Me — Coaching Containers

3-Month Transformational Coaching (Deep Reset & Momentum) https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

6-Month Queens of Peace Program (Deep Pattern Healing & Rebuild) https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/

12-Month Queens of Peace Program (Full Identity & Life Transformation) https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/

Get My Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts Scripts that help you shut down manipulation, stop JADE-ing, and communicate with confidence. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-fast-37/

Grab the Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free!) Your quick-start guide to setting boundaries without guilt. https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Join the Facebook Community Connect with other women healing from narcissistic abuse https://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989

Speaker 1 (00:03):

Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text, you knew better than to reply to take a breath Queen, this one's for you. Have you ever walked away from an interaction thinking, I stayed calm. I didn't take the bait. As Christie Jade always says, so why do I still feel shaken? Like your body's buzzing. Your mind won't stop replaying it, and somehow they're still in your head. Maybe hours later today I want to talk about why that happens, because it's not a lack of healing. So a lot of women think if I were really healed, I wouldn't react anymore. But healing from narcissistic abuse specifically doesn't start in your thoughts. It starts in your nervous system, all the fun. So your nervous system learned survival long before you learned boundaries, right? That's why you ended up having to learn about boundaries and hopefully setting some at this point, but maybe still not quite knowing how or knowing how to stick to them or handle backlash from them, all of that, right?

(01:25) But here's what's really happening. So when you were in that dynamic with the narcissist, you body was trained to stay on alert. Unpredictability teaches your brain what? Stay ready, fix it fast, prevent the explosion. We know all about that escalation. So now, even when you may logically understand what they're doing, logically, I say that because, and let's be honest, even logically it doesn't always make sense, but logically, you can kind of explain it away. Your body still reads them as a threat. So that reaction you feel, it's not emotional weakness, it's conditioning. It's what you have been conditioned to feel by the entire situation. So this is why you can prepare the perfect response. Tell yourself, I'm not going to engage. And then one text comes in, and suddenly you have that sinking heart feeling, right? I know you know that feeling right? That heart drops, and it's not even exactly like, oh, you care what they think. Maybe anymore, maybe you used to. But even if you've stretched away from that feeling, it's because your body remembers what used to happen next.

(03:01) Let that sink in. Your body remembers what used to happen next when you were closer with them, when you were living with them. And I know some of you may be listening that you're still in the situation. Most of my followers, most of my clients are away from the situation, or they may not live with the person if it's someone in their family, like a parent. But you could look at that. If it's a parent, right? When you live with them as a child, you're now still your body, still remembering what used to happen after you. Whatever way you weren't good enough or didn't do it right, or didn't do exactly what they wanted, how they wanted, even though it wasn't reasonable. Same thing if you were in a romantic situation with someone living with them. Same thing where your body is remembering what used to happen next.

(04:02) So here's the shift. I would love you to try this week. Stop trying to win the interaction. We often can go to the other side of the pendulum. We feel like we've lost for so long that we just want to get these wins. What you need to do is start, which is a win, but it doesn't feel as satisfactory as a full win. But I'm going to tell you in the end what wins is peace. So start regulating yourself instead. You're not going to win as far as getting them to say what you want or do what you want, especially all the time, right? Occasionally, if they're desperate for something, they might give you a little carrot. But talking about for true healing, you have to stop trying to control them and trying to control the situation. Because really what you need to do is control yourself. Regulate yourself instead. So when you feel that surge, that heart, drop that spiraling out in the brain, any of that pause, and then put your feet on the ground. Take one slow breath. I love my halo breath. So in through the nose and out through the mouth. So you're inhaling. Two seconds, exhaling three to four seconds. Always exhaling a little more than you're inhaling. Please don't turn blue and pass out on me. Okay? If you need to just do two and two, that's fine.

(05:47) We want this to be a calmer, not a passer outer. So you take in one exhale, one many seconds that looks to you, that's comfortable, and let your shoulders drop. Let your jaw loosen. So in those moments, and this takes a little training, you don't get it right the first time. That's fine. Look, we're all still growing. We're all still learning this. This is not an overnight shift, but the next time you catch yourself where you're able to do it, say, oh, yay, I get a gold coin to match my gold ground. Alright? So you're cheating your nervous something, nervous system, something new now, which is I don't have to react to stay safe anymore, right before to stay safe. What did that look like? That looked like, I mean, first of all, even I'm just picturing our body language, just like the hunch. You know what I'm talking about, that sinking into yourself, you feel that heart sink, your body collapses into itself. You're like maybe a dog between the tail, between its legs, this kind of, okay, oh no, I got to shrink because I don't want the explosion.

(07:10) What else could that overexplaining ourselves? Right? So there's that. Oh, no, but I didn't mean to, no, that's not what I meant to do. That's not what I was saying, right? All of that, that urgency to fix, that urgency to make everything right, that weight on your shoulders, it is your responsibility to fix this because they have conditioned you that way. We actually are out of that situation. Now, if you are, I hope you are. If not, we got to get out of that. We got to get out of that situation. No one should let you feel like that, right? But I don't have to react to stay safe anymore, and that's where that detachment actually begins. And you could write that on a post-it note. Put it on your mirror, put it on your forehead, wherever you'll see it. I don't have to react to stay safe anymore. We've been conditioned to react in some way, whether that reaction could be very submissive, that reaction could be fighting for our lives.

(08:27) So you're not behind in healing. I know a lot of you, so many of my clients are like, oh, no, it had an effect on me. It's a transition time. It's not overnight that it's not going to have an effect. This is the transition to I'm of, Hey, something has maybe triggered me or given me that visceral reaction, and you know what I'm going to do with that? I'm going to not sucked into it. I'm going to talk to myself and remind myself I don't have to react. I don't have to do what they want just because I'm conditioned to do what they want.

(09:11) I don't have to react to stay safe anymore. I am safe. I am safe. I'm safe. I feel like screaming it on the mountaintop. Okay? So you are unwinding survival patterns that took years to build, right? So once you have this light bulb and it's like, oh, they're a narcissist. You kind of figure that out. You understand that more. Then you start to go, okay, well, I shouldn't react to this. I'm out of this situation, and why can't I just move on? Why can't I get unstuck? Why can't I look like him in his happy little bubble life? First of all, he's full of shit. He's not happy. Or whoever your narc is, they're not happy. That's a whole other episode. Actually, that's a good episode. I should dive into that. And I have this conversation with my clients a lot, right? Because it's almost like, not a jealousy, but a, how are they so fine?

(10:10) Let's say if it's your ex, how are they doing so well? Why are they so happy? Why are they having no problem? Their whole life is a problem. Again, that's another episode I definitely will be doing because I love that topic now, but your job isn't to worry about them or compare yourself to realize you are human. And this took a long time, most likely for some longer than others, meaning you've been in it longer. It probably didn't take super long. I mean, they're good at what they do, so they get you in. Didn't take 'em super long to love bomb you and get you under their spell. But it did take a while, right? They slowly got into your head, manipulated, confused, you, deflected onto you, lied to you, maybe cheated on you, maybe abused you emotionally, mentally, financially. There's a lot here. So you're not going to look at your post-it and repeat it three times and be like, I'm healed, mama.

(11:24) No, but it can be a quicker process than you think once you actually do that deeper healing. And of course, that's what I'm here to handhold you through. The one-on-one sessions that are so important, this work, this somatic healing. If you don't know what somatic is it, it's the body, right? So we do the coaching, right? Some clients want to understand narcissism more and how they got there and how to trust. Again, all of that stuff, all the mind stuff, the logical stuff, the situational stuff, the customized coaching on that level. And then there's the somatic healing, which I mean, it's all great to me. I love all this work. But the somatic healing, there is something truly magical about it where your body remembers everything. Your body holds onto this stuff. Your body's a little behind the brain and the mind and your nervous system is going, I'm still not feeling safe.

(12:30) I'm stuck. So your mind may not be completely stuck, but your nervous system is. So that can then trigger the mind to feel stuck and start replaying because it's going, wait, but my body's saying I'm not safe, so something's wrong, so I'm going to start spiraling. So it's this awful cycle. So we need to help the body too. In parallel. The body is this important piece that a lot of people really don't give enough credit to in healing. So that's my job to help both of those pieces of you. And we have the spiritual part too. I am a God person. I will always ask permission, but we can bring God in. We can bring prayer in if you're a God person too. But the somatic healing is mind blowing work. And what does that look like? We go on, I call 'em Soul Cas, okay?

(13:26) We go on little Soul Cas in our one-on-one sessions. We do these once a week, and I have three programs. Please go check them out in the show notes, and you can read more in depth about them. But this is mind blowing work that will change your life, right? It's transformational. All my clients who have done it have had improvement in their life, some who have been with me a year. It is unrecognizable in a good way. I mean, they're them, but even more confident, they finally trust themselves. They're dating again, people who came in saying, I will never date again. I have no idea how I would ever trust anyone are out there now dating, feeling freedom, feeling confident, having a whole new career. I can't tell you just the impact that all of this stuff, when someone conditions you in these ways and smacks you down how it affects your entire life.

(14:29) So it is so cool for me to help people through that transformation. It's just mind blowing, all of it, all of it. So sorry, I get so excited about it. So if you're interested in working, this is for somebody, the people, the women who are ready, who are ready to say, yeah, I am ready to do this work. I don't want to feel this way. I want to get unstuck, and I would love to carve out an hour a week. This is for people who aren't great, also at the self-care, at the carving, the timeout that do everything for everybody else, or they're used to that. People pleasers moms who just, it's hard to get even an hour away this hour. There's so much built into this hour that it feels like you get hours work worth of work. I'll say that. That's a good way to put it in one hour, but we try and make it fun too.

(15:34) I mean, I'm Christie, so it's also fun. It's a little bit fun. I mean, I think it's a lot bit fun. I hate that it's related to this stuff, obviously, that we have to heal from. But yes, I do, of course, try to make it also light. You're not going to go out of the session weeping. We are going to make sure I am trained with trauma informed, which means I have been certified and trained how to make sure we're not going to re-trigger you and send you into some black abyss. You're in good hands, and we're going to help you at the end of the session. You will feel better and delighter and have definitely done some healing. So I'm excited about you being able to start this new chapter in your life. So if you are on board, if you are ready, again, all the information is in the show notes.

(16:32) You can email me. My email is in there. If you have any questions at all, it's fierce Mama C at Gmail. What else? We have a Facebook group. Yes, we do. Queens Little Queen Facebook group for women just like you. And there are questions you have to answer because I want to make sure you're not a bot and that it is a sacred, safe place for all of you. So please answer those, or I will not let you in. That's just one of the rules. So what else? I guess that's it. If you didn't hear my episode on Tuesday, there's a full rundown on this topic, so you can listen to that or watch it on YouTube. I'm going to post both of these probably tonight on YouTube. Sometimes I'm a little later posting on YouTube, so sometimes they'll go up on Thursdays. But yes, I have a little YouTube channel.

(17:23) If you want to see my face today. I don't think I have a, Nope, not a stitch of makeup on. So it's naked baby face today, but maybe you've seen worse. Maybe not. I don't know. You'll have to look and see. But if you are just on audio, I love you. Let's end with some beautiful affirmations. All right. Repeat after me. Hands over your heart unless you're driving. Then please keep them on the wheel and just listen. Don't close your eyes. All right? But those of you who are in a safe space to do so, close your eyes, hands on heart. Let's take a nice inhale through the nose, that halo breath breathing out. All right, I am safe. I am ready because I'm a queen. That's right. Yes, you are queen. All right, I will see you in the next episode next Tuesday. Don't forget to follow also on whatever platform you are listening or watching this. Make sure to follow so you don't miss any episodes because there's tons of 'em. Alright, have a great one. Love you. Bye.

The 3 Reasons You Still React to a Narcissist (Even When You Know Better)

You’ve learned the patterns. You understand narcissistic behavior. And yet — you still find yourself reacting, explaining, defending, or feeling emotionally pulled back in. This episode breaks down why that happens and why it has nothing to do with weakness or lack of healing. Christy explains the nervous-system and psychological reasons survivors continue to react, and how awareness alone isn’t enough to change the pattern. If you’ve ever left an interaction thinking, “Why did that still affect me?” — this episode will bring clarity and relief.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why trauma bonding keeps your brain hooked even after separation

• How nervous system conditioning overrides logic in real time

• The hidden emotional triggers narcissists activate — often without words

• The shift that helps you move from reaction → regulation → response

Your Next Step in Healing If you’re ready to stop overthinking interactions and start feeling calm, clear, and grounded again, deeper support can help you retrain both mindset and nervous system responses.

3-Month Transformational Coaching (Deep-Dive Support) https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/ Focused, high-support coaching to help you stabilize emotionally, implement boundaries, and break reactive patterns.

6-Month Queens of Peace Coaching Container https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/ For women ready to fully rebuild self-trust, confidence, and emotional safety.

12-Month Queens of Peace Coaching Container https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/ Long-term transformation and identity rebuilding after narcissistic abuse.

Additional Support & Resources Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free): https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250 Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-fast-37/ Empowered Boundaries Course: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/ Free Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

Contact: https://christyjade.podbean.com/e/ep-5-the-grey-rock-method-how-to-disconnect-from-narcissistic-abusers/

 

TRANSCRIPT:

Speaker 1 (00:00):

So you understand narcissistic behavior now or at least way more than you used to. You see the manipulation, you see the patterns you promised yourself, you will not get pulled in again. And then one message shows up and suddenly your heart is racing. You're explaining yourself again, and afterward you're wondering, why am I still reacting like this? Today we're going to talk about why that happens and why it does not mean you are failing at healing. Okay? Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to take a breath Queen. This one's for you.

(00:51) Hello queen. Welcome back to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery with Christy Jade. Alright, so I want to start first with something that I hear constantly, and maybe you've said this to yourself too. I know what they're doing. So why does it still affect me? Because there's this strange phase in healing where your awareness wakes up, but your nervous system is still lagging. It's still not caught up, and this is very, very normal. So I want you to know that first of all, right, your mind understands what happened, but your body, that nervous system, all the things still reacts like it is happening now. Basically it's stuck, and I get that word so much from my clients, I feel stuck. So the text comes in, your stomach drops, you feel pressure to respond immediately. That urgency, oh, I'm familiar, I remember that guy. Do not miss urgency. And you start mentally defending yourself before you've even unlocked your phone and afterwards, then comes the shame.

(02:04) I should be past this. So today I want to walk you through something very gently, well, as queen gently as I can be, right? Because there are really three things happening underneath these reactions, and once you see them, you will stop blaming yourself. Well, that is my goal here. Okay, so reason one, your body still thinks you are in danger. When you lived inside these narcissistic dynamics, your nervous system adapted to survive the unpredictability. This is something that is not normal. It's not what most people have to go through in life, this unpredictable, unsafe feeling all the time. So you learn to respond quickly, explain fast, fix tension before it actually escalated. Not you were weak, but because your brain was protecting you, right? Your subconscious. So now when that person reaches out, your body reacts before logic has time to step in. Your heart speeds up your thoughts, race desperately trying to figure out what to do, even though a lot of times we've been through this over and over and you feel that urgency again, urgency is my enemy.

(03:32) I still have some residual, and this is just a little side note, I'll get back in a second, but my a DD creeps in a side note of urgency that can be created even though I have healed so much and comes so far, and I don't feel that urgency to, especially those people that I know longer have relationship with or other similar toxic personalities that come along that treat people like that can try to condition you to feel like everything's urgent even though I don't have that. When you've been conditioned like that for a long time, especially if you grew up with it in your family, childhood, it's a long-term thing. You can develop just an urgency in general, which I've gotten rid of, but not totally all the way. So when I say we're still healing, we're always healing. No one in the world is always ever healed.

(04:28) We're all on our different paths. I want to be very transparent. I have come so far and I am a completely different person in a fabulous way of who I used to be as far as narcissistic abuse recovery goes, but there's still some things in life that we still have to work on, and sometimes I'll get these little dings of this just urgency because it was so conditioned in my nature. So anyway, we're going to go back to what we're talking about here, but you might be able to relate to that, and I just want to be honest with you guys, so it's not like I know a lot of you will say you feel behind. Well, guess what? There is no behind. We're all always healing. So this urgency creates reaction and you're not reacting to this specific moment. Your nervous system is reacting to what it remembers, everything it remembers. And healing begins when the moment that you realize this is not a character flaw, it's just conditioning. So sometimes the most powerful change is simply pausing and shining a light on it, not answering right away, letting your body catch up to reality before your fingers start typing and you start explaining Overexplaining, can we be real?

(06:04) I mean, there's so many different reactions we have with narcissists that we've been conditioned to do the overexplaining and just this trying to get the right word because you don't want to escalate and then you're like, well, maybe I shouldn't. There's back and forth in your own head and then it's too late. You already sent this message. So a lot of power comes in pausing and not answering right away, if at all. Do you have to answer? It depends right? With someone. You have to, and there's so many episodes I have on this type of stuff. Gray Rock Method episode is a really good place to start, but don't take the bait, don't get emotional. Keep it simple, keep it short, keep it factual. These are all tips in there. So not answering right away and also go listen to that episode and let your body catch up with reality before you actually start responding.

(07:06) It is a great, fantastic idea when you get, first of all, you don't even need to read it right away unless it's like they have your child for the weekend. It could be an emergency, right? If not, you don't have to read it right away. Even the urgency is made up. It's bullshit. They conditioned us to feel, okay? So unless it's involving your child in the moment, it's not an emergency. They can wait and you can get your thoughts together to think of how you can stay in your power and your peace and respond with no emotion and no extra information for them either. That is a big tip. Don't let them have extra information that they can use against you. Okay? So reason two, you're still communicating. This is a healthy relationship. Most survivors keep reacting because they're still trying to communicate normally. So you're trying to clarify, you're trying to be fair as you would with anyone.

(08:07) You're trying to be the bigger person in a way. We talked about this a little bit last week. You're trying to be understood. Can I tell you one of our biggest triggers as narcissist, abuse, recover, or survivors is being misunderstood. Anyone out there? Yeah. Is that true? I know it's true For me, one of my Achilles was being misunderstood. Now you misunderstand me. That's on you. B, bye-bye. Not my shit. Hashtag not my shit. Okay? But that is something that can definitely be a trigger. So when we feel like we're being misunderstood, which they'll purposely misunderstand you or pretend they are misunderstanding you, we go into, oh no, I have to make sure. So now I have to what? Over. Explain. Okay.

(08:58) Healthy relationships resolve through communication. So we think, oh, if I communicate I can make this better. That's what we should think. If we're in a healthy relationship, we should think, oh, well I need to talk about this. We need to work through this. We can get through this together, but we're not in a healthy relationship even if we're outside the relationship, we are technically in relationship with this person. If we're in communication with them, which I know a lot of you are, especially when you are co-parenting or trying to figure out what to do in a relationship or getting out of it. Sometimes we're out of it, but we still have a little strings attached and if you're there, run, no, I'm just kidding. Alright, but narcissistic dynamics, they don't calm through understanding. They continue through engagement. So what does that mean? They don't get calmer through understanding.

(09:59) Why? Because again, this isn't a healthy individual who's receiving your information like a healthy individual would, right? So it's just continuing engagement and that's what they want, and they want you to take the bait so they can gain more control of you and confuse you and manipulate you more. So then every explanation gives more material for them, right? I was saying you don't want them to have more material, more ammo against you. Every defense keeps that emotional loop alive and they love that. They love to get emotions out of you, good or bad, they don't care. And this realization can be freeing and heartbreaking at the same time. When you realize all this stuff, I was just talking to a client this week about this, it can be devastating that all of this is going on, but once you accept it, so the hard part is realizing it. Let's put it this way, the hard part is realizing it. The freeing part is accepting it.

(11:11) Okay? Should I say that again? The hard part is realizing it very difficult. You might not even be able to do it overnight. It might be a couple weeks to really soak in when you start to really understand the mind of a narcissist, but the freedom in it, the power in it comes from accepting that it's all true, right? Because you start to see it through a very different lens. So you were not failing to communicate well enough. You're trying to solve something that wasn't designed to be solved. They don't want it to get that sucks, right? It sucks to realize that. But the faster you accept that knowing, they actually don't want to resolve this, they don't want to have peace. And if they say they do, they're bullshitting you. I know you want peace. You're the only one who can get it for yourself.

(12:17) They will not give that to you. They're not giving peace out on any kind of silver, gold or rose gold platter. So when responses become shorter, simpler, focused on only what actually matters, you get out of that emotional area. And we're not doing this to punish them. You don't have to be vindictive, you don't have to be mean. You be neutral, baby. That gray rock method is called gray rock for reason. What's gray? Neutral blend in neutral. We're not going to be sparkly. They don't get our sparkle and they don't get our dark because dark is not our natural state. Sparkle, of course it is. We're queens. They don't deserve all the sparkles so they can have our leftover neutral, okay? Actually my neutral is leopard print. So where do we go from there? I don't know. Okay, so you're not doing it though to punish them, okay?

(13:15) So any guilt you have, spit it out. Just spit it out. It's gross. We don't like the taste of guilt, okay? We're going to just protect our peace. You're protecting your peace. And I've heard this so many times in different phrasing, but boundaries are not made to hurt others or control others, but to protect yourself. So anytime you have that guilt creep up, remember that part that did help me? I remember the first time I heard that years ago about boundaries. We've been conditioned by narcissists that boundaries are selfish. No, no ma'am. They're not selfish. No, they're protecting yourself, which is absolutely normal. You're not trying to control them. You're not telling them what to do. You are maybe telling them what you'll do if they do something, but that's not controlling them. That's a response, right? Here's an example, quick example.

(14:15) If you continue to talk to me that way, I'm going to hang up the phone. You're not saying they can't talk to you that way. There's just a consequence, a natural consequence to them being a jackass. All right, get it. Okay, moving on. Reason three, oh my gosh, I'm so thirsty. I had pizza today. Do you guys get thirsty when you pizza? Hold on, I'm taking a swig. I feel like I get so thirsty. Maybe there's extra sodium in there. Is that a me thing? Alright, so reason three, part of you is still waiting for closure. Ah, it's true. So this one is a little quieter, but maybe deeper. Maybe it's deeper. Maybe we don't want to think about it, but maybe it's true. So ears open. Listen to Christy Jade. So many reactions happen because part of you still hopes that one interaction will feel different.

(15:20) Maybe they'll finally understand. You can be a big tough ass bee. Like myself, I was always kind of tough. I wasn't as tough as I am now probably, but I was at a little tough side, maybe not with certain people, but even that tough girl who was like, I don't care, whatever. Was there a little hope, a little sliver that narc would hear me or not misunderstand me the trigger? Or maybe I'd be special enough to change them. Maybe they take accountability because they love me so much. By the way, PS, another heartbreaker is they don't really know what true love feels like. They don't love the same way as us. I don't know what to call it, but I don't want to call it anything right now. We're not going to talk about their love other than that can mess with your mind. So I'm slipping that in there. It's just a note. Just a little side note that they don't love the same way I get that question a lot, you guys, well, if he loved me, how could he do this? They don't love in the same way that we know how to love.

(16:42) But back to the reactions I'm trying to hold on. Lemme look at my notes here happened because part of, yes, still the hope, still the hope that they will maybe show you kindness, that they'll soften, they'll have a wake up call, any of that. And there's nothing wrong with wanting that. It means you loved sincerely. And I don't want you to regret loving anything. Anyone in this world we're beautiful humans with beautiful love, beautiful hearts. Most of us are empaths that get taken advantage of by people like this, right? We have a lot to give. I am a wild, passionate Italian woman. I got a lot of love. I got a lot of spice. I will tell you how I think, especially now, but we have a lot of love and I don't want anyone to go, man, I wish I never, I wish I never, I believe we all had a path. We don't know all the reasons, but what do you do now? You learn lessons. Yes, but regretting love. No, it means you love sincerely. That's okay.

(18:06) The healing accelerates though. When the closure stops being something that you want to receive, it doesn't come from the conversation going differently. Closure comes from you no longer needing that conversation to feel. Okay? That's when the actual shift starts happening. And I've had that in my own journey where I really, even though I didn't seek it deep down, there was this hope of this sliver of hope. I say didn't really know if it was there, but there was always a little hope. Well, maybe one day I'll get that, sorry or that call. And then I had another day where I woke up and said, I don't even want that call. I don't need that call. I don't care about that call anymore. I don't need that anymore because I had been on my healing journey. I had done the inside work, especially the somatic healing.

(19:30) Blew all my healing out of the water. Hashtag somatic healing is the bomb. I don't know why I'm doing hashtags in the bomb. I'm really just regressing today. So welcome to my regression show. But I, in my journey, that moment of it was a new truth that was truly from the inside. I felt it deep and I know who I am. I don't need to be affirmed by other people anymore. I don't need a conversation for closure anymore. I know who I am. I know I loved hard. I love hard in general. I'm a good person. I'm a good wife. I'm a good sister, I'm a good mother, I'm a good daughter. And I'm not trying to be like, ooh, toot too. But at a point you finally get enough confidence, it doesn't mean you're cocky. It means you're saying, I am good enough. I'm finally good enough.

(20:43) And if you've been conditioned by a narcissist bottom line, you believe you're not good enough. At some point, probably ongoing. And I never felt good enough because this narcissist, well, there's a couple in my life, but one started out and I didn't feel good enough because of how they messed with my mind and my beliefs about myself and to do all this beautiful somatic work and come out of that being like I'm not questioning myself anymore and gaining the self trust, not just confidence, right? I'm good enough, but I trust myself to know X, Y, z moving forward. That is huge. That's the hugest thing that I feel I can help guide you through in working with me. That is a gift. Not saying it's my gift. I'm just saying this work is a gift. I think it's a gift from God. I love that he placed it in my life and I've had such impact from it, and I love even more that I got to experience it, know how amazing it is, and immediately be like, okay, I need to put this into my work because now we are talking more than, I mean, it was great enough with the narcissistic abuse, recovery, coaching, now you're going to go sprinkle in the somatic stuff and lives are exploding in amazing ways.

(22:19) I know that's a weird word to say, but it is just because it's mind blowing work. It's mind blowing. That's all I can say. It's really awesome. So I got totally sidetracked there, but I love it. So let's go back, wind this up, that closure, the shift starts happening once you let go of needing that closure, but there's a gap there. You need it probably right now if you're agreeing with this. So you need to do some healing before you can close that gap. And that's whether it's with your therapist, whether it's with me, whatever you can do to close that gap. So what does healing actually look like?

(23:06) It's not the moment you never feel triggered again in your life, okay? It's actually kind of quieter than that. It's like pausing before responding, right? Take your little fingers away from that text message. Go put that phone in a drawer. Go back to it later and listen to the Gray Rock Method episode. I'll try to put that in the show notes. By the way, it looks like we're recovering faster, which is huge with somatic healing. It looks like noticing the reaction without being controlled by it. So you might get even a visceral response for a while. That might not be overnight that that leaves you. But instead of letting that marinate and take over and control your body and then your mind, you go, wow, I feel my body getting real tense about this. Let's say it's just a text message and you go, okay, I'm going to do some breathing.

(24:09) We got some somatic tools from Christie Jade up in here. That's by the way, thrive in five on Thursdays are all about those tools. How can I take myself into the present moment, shift from away from being triggered and telling my body, guess what? Calm down. We're safe. We're good. Take a breath. Go take a walk. Go listen to some fun music. Go eat some bon bonds, okay? Get out of that moment. Don't be controlled by their shit anymore. And the day you realize something small, but life changing, the message comes in and your whole day doesn't collapse. It doesn't affect you the rest of the day. You don't have to go call your girlfriends. You don't have to cry and eat too many bond bonds. We got to moderate our bond bonds. And that's when your nervous system finally understands, I am safe. Now I just put my hands in my heart. Oh, I was feeling that. It's my favorite little phrase. I'm safe now.

(25:21) So if you're still reacting, sometimes you're not behind. First of all, you're in very good company. I know a lot of you guys, you can actually join my Facebook page and chat together. That's in the show notes too, right? You're not broken. You're in the middle of your body learning a new definition of safety. You're in a transition. That's all it is. So just breathe. Not everything can happen overnight, and you're not going to win healing by never being triggered. We all want that. I hope to never be triggered again. I can still get triggered, but it's what I can now do with it because of my healing. I got to take another swig, man.

(26:13) I'm sure it's lovely to listen to out there. You like it my gulps. So you actually win when their behavior stops. Like deciding your emotional state. Take your power back, queen. Don't let them do that. You're letting them do that. They're not doing it. No one can control your emotions and that's not fun. We love to blame everybody else, and I'm not trying to put blame on you, not adding to guilt or shame, but saying we do get to heal and we get to shift that power and it's beautiful. This is empowerment. And then it shifts slowly and then all at once. I do feel like there's this click moment where just like a lot changes, you go through these motions and it's like boom. And you're like, whoa. And you look back, you're like, I get here. This is amazing and it's coming for you.

(27:09) You're listening to this podcast. So obviously you're one step closer to freedom. So if this episode resonated, share it with someone who needs the reminder that healing isn't about perfection, it's just about progress. And if you, like I said, you want some deeper support, I basically do coaching and somatic healing wrapped up into one. And we do one hour sessions once a week, and I have three programs we could do three months, six month and 12 month. And you can read about them in the show notes if you want more details or you can always email me. My email will be in the show notes too. You can ask me more about them or we set up a fun little call and start if you're ready. Yeah, I know I want this. I'm in. You can start with three months, six month, 12 month. They all have Voxer access, which is a fun walkie talkie app.

(28:12) So you can either just text normal people or do voice messaging, which I say like normal people because some of my friends hate voice messaging. I like it, I'm fine with it. But you can do that. It's on Voxer and I can explain details of that. But generally I check that once or twice a day and I'll get back to you within 24 hours during Monday through Friday. So that's a fun thing my clients love taking advantage of. And it's in between our weekly calls. They get to be like, Hey, I was just thinking about this. Someone might be, I've got spinning out calls. You can't leave. 80 minute messages says, okay guys, but you get my point. I mean, I've had people kind of spinning out and like, oh, this thought's resonated. And then I get to come back and remind them what a queen they are, and I give them tools.

(29:06) Maybe in the moment, go do X, Y, Z. And it's beautiful. They get this in-between support. So I don't know. I love my programs, but I'm very biased. No, I'm just kidding. If you do have questions, seriously, please email me or read the more detailed descriptions on the links. You can click the links and read more and sign up because I want to work with you because I want to help more people because f these narcs that think they can get away with this, know we are going to heal and we are going to take over the damn world. World, yes, Queens. All right, let's end with I feel like we need to some affirmations. Take a nice breath through your nose, out your mouth, and repeat after me. All right. Let's see what's a good one for this week? I separate my energy from their dark energy. Okay, I am no longer in danger because I am a queen. Yes, you are. Shine that crown. Go sign up to work with me. Make sure to follow so you don't miss any episodes on whatever platform you're on. And I will see you in the next episode on Thursday. Love you. Bye.

 

Short Description Narcissistic co-parents are masters at twisting boundaries—but you don’t have to fall for their traps. In this Thrive in 5, I break down 3 sneaky tactics they use and exactly how to outsmart them so you can protect your peace and power. 👑✨

💻 Courses & Coaching

👑 Empowered Boundaries Course → https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

✨ Work 1:1 With Me (current 1:1 programs) → 

3-Month Coaching Container Focused, high-touch support to stabilize your nervous system, strengthen boundaries, and stop being emotionally hijacked by co-parenting dynamics. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

6-Month Coaching Container Deeper healing and integration for women ready to fully rebuild self-trust, emotional safety, and confidence after narcissistic abuse. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/

12-Month Coaching Container A long-term, transformational container for women ready to fully reclaim their power, peace, and identity — and create a steady, regulated life beyond survival mode. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/

🌟 Connect & Resources

👑 Join the Private Facebook Community → https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

🎁 Free Boundaries Pocket Guide → https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

🎤 Subscribe to the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Podcast → https://www.podbean.com/podcast-detail/f7vsi-208d1a/Narcissistic-Abuse-Recovery-Podcast

🎧 Related Podcast Episode

🪨 The Grey Rock Method: How to Deal with a Narcissist if You Cannot Go No Contact https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-grey-rock-method-how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist/id1662241353?i=1000648879776

TRANSCRIPTS

Speaker 1 (00:03):

Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting and that text you knew better than to reply to take a breath Queen. This one's for you. Today we are breaking down the three biggest boundary traps that narcissists use in co-parenting. They are sneaky little ways. They try to keep you off balance, steal your peace and rope you into their chaos. No thank you. So here's the best part. I'm not just going to tell you what the traps are. I'm going to give you the exact tools to outsmart them every single time. Queen Edge. Alright, so the first is the infamous guilt trip. You're probably familiar with that, right? They'll say things like, if you really cared about the kids, you'd switch weekends or you're being so selfish by not helping me out. And what is their goal to make you feel like a bad mom or a bad co-parent?

(01:09) Bad parent, period. Unless you cave, right? They're trying to get whatever fits into what benefits them. So how do you outsmart it? First you stick to the plan and then literally repeat the boundary without defending it. Remember this part without defending it? So that could look like, nope, we're going to stick to the parenting schedule and then pause. Zip it. Do not explain. Okay? We have a tendency when we are people pleasers or empaths or don't want to be misunderstood. That was a big trigger for me just in my life being misunderstood. So over explaining can make us feel like maybe we'll be understood or just giving reasons, right? Don't explain, don't argue, don't get emotional. None of those things are going to help, okay? You want to outsmart them. Remember that the silence is actually the strength, okay? Remember, silence is strength. Silence is strength.

(02:18) Don't take the bait. Okay? So number two, the endless negotiator, okay, you say no and they immediately push back. Well what about just this one time? Or well if we switch next week instead, or what if I pick them up later instead of earlier? What if all the different things to try to get their way somehow and getting their way equals what? Control. That's what they're trying to get. We're not going to give it to 'em, okay? They keep changing the terms to wear you down. So this is actually calculated, manipulative. When they're doing this. They figure if they can drag you into the back and forth, they then already have your energy. They're already gaining the power over you. So how do we outsmart it? Again, don't take the bait. My favorite phrase of life, restate once, then disengage. So it's very similar. So something like, no, we'll be sticking to the plan.

(03:27) If they keep pushing, don't respond. I would maybe say it twice. If they have a first negotiation party coming out of their mouth, say, Nope, we'll be sticking to the plan. Nope, we'll be sticking the plan and then don't respond. Or maybe on the third time you say, I've already answered and move on your time, energy and sanity are what is not up for negotiation. And if you let them repeatedly suck you into where you're responding over and over and over, they are gaining that power and feeling like they're getting you closer and closer to giving them what they want. And they probably are half the time, okay? So don't get sucked in. Alright? So trap three, the victim act, okay? They'll say something like, you're making my life harder or You're the reason I can't see my kids as much as I want. They play the poor me card to twist the narrative and put you back in caretaker mode.

(04:44) They know at this point that you have a big heart. They know that. Know your soft spots, they know your buttons so they know even more specifically what they can say in these situations to get you to feel sorry for them. So how do you outsmart this? Don't step into the role they are assigning you. Okay? I want you to hear that one. Don't step into the role they are assigning you. It's not your role, baby. Okay? It ain't your role. It doesn't look good on you anymore. Nope, we're moving on. So a simple firm statement like I'm not responsible for your feelings. We're following the parenting plan. And then again, if they come push back, you repeat again, we're following the parenting plan. And then you say, I've already answered, move on. If you give it that much, I'm saying three max, three responses max.

(05:49) It's not your job to rescue them. I know we love rescuing. Gosh, I mean, I adopted a child, I adopted a dog. I'm all about that rescue life. I get it, girl. No, but I know you probably have a beautiful heart. You understand? You feel like, oh, maybe they had a hard childhood or this and that, all the things, or oh, they lost their job. There's so many things and feelings, I get it. But it is your job to protect your peace and your child's emotional safety above everything else. If you're a God person, it is God, you and your kid. It is not your job to save a narcissist. It's not your job to save a toxic person. It's not your job to save anyone, your child hell yeah, save that child and saving your own sanity for yourself, but also for your child.

(06:52) Your child needs the most stable, healthy minded parent they can, especially because they have another parent who is so unhealthy. Okay? So keep that in mind when you're feeling guilty or second guessing your role, that's your role. Your role is to be a peaceful parent and that does not mean that you cave to the narcissist. Okay? So here's your thriving five challenge for the week. You like that? Alright? You're going to watch for these traps, the guilt trip, the negotiator, the victim, and the next time one of them shows up, practice outsmarting it by keeping your responses short, firm and free of over-explaining. And again, I've mentioned a lot recently, I feel like my Gray Rock Method episodes, so if I forget to link them, I hope I don't, I might. And just look up Gray Rock Method in my podcast or with my name and it should come up.

(08:00) I think there's two episodes on the Gray Rock method that is all about going a little more deeply into this stuff. But if you want even more tools to help you hold boundaries that actually stick, I mean it is a whole, my course is epic. You will never ever regret purchasing it. It has changed people's lives just from the course. Obviously the one-on-one work is super transformational and customized because I'm there with you every step of the way. The second best thing, if you really want to have transformational experience with not just the co-parent, but anyone else you come into contact with that is controlling, toxic, any of that unhealthy, and you aren't so great at keeping boundaries or maintaining them or what to do in the conversations if they push back or if they do not respect your boundaries. All of that is in that it is a 10 video course and it's one dripped out every week.

(09:12) These have been selling like little cute pancakes, hotcakes sound like the hotcakes because it's really, really important as a foundation to thrive. In order to thrive, you need to be confident and set boundaries. It is the foundation of moving on into this kind of thriving mentality, which you can do by the way, no matter who you are, what you've been through, you can, there's 10 modules. There's a meditation bundle that goes along with it. If you're into the namaste, calm your body and it's designed to help you step out of survival mode and into peace. Because if you're feeling stuck, one of the problems that is keeping you stuck a big major problem is that you're not feeling strong enough, confident enough, and self trusting enough to set boundaries. And we talk about that in the boundary scores. So it's the energetics, it's the confidence, it's building that and setting the boundaries, evaluating what boundaries you need to have, having the conversations if you need to have them.

(10:32) And again, going from there, okay, Queens need boundaries and you're a damn queen. Look at you. Go look in the mirror. Would you take a second? Go check her out. She's super hot and she looks like she needs a boundary course called Empowered Boundaries. So I'll put the link in the show notes if you want to do one-on-one. Those of you listening who have signed up with me recently, one-on-one, my coaching, my hours are getting crammed and crammed and I have less space and I'm feeling bad because I'm booking up. It's a great thing for me, but I really want to help everyone I can. So if you are considering working with me, jump in there. Let's get a one-on-one session. I have one-on-one. There's a one-off, which this is not a one-off work, this is not, oh, let's do one and done. This is you're doing your intake call with me to get to know each other and obviously we can feel it out and go from there.

(11:37) And if you're just like, I just want in on this, I want a huge transformation. There is a package for one month and there's a package for three months. The three months you get a bonus of Voxer in between all our calls. So you get once a week calls. So a lot of fun little options. I'll put them in the show notes. But this boundaries course, right now we're talking about boundaries. That's why I was really focusing on that. And it is a less expensive way if you are tight on funds right now, it's really inexpensive for what you get and you get it for lifetime access. So you can go back to it, refer to it over and over again. It's amazing. Yes, I'm biased, but it's the hottest shit you'll ever, ever see in your life. Okay? All right, so that is your thriving five. Keep your crown high, protect that sparkle, and remember, you can outsmart the traps and reclaim your peace. Okay? You can trust me. I've done it and now you're going to do it. So look, these little tips, they can help. You want to go deeper, you want to really transform, you have to actually invest in that. And is it is priceless by doing a course or doing one-on-one work, whether it's with me or someone else.

(13:14) That is how you make change. If you're feeling stuck, that's how you get unstuck. Okay? So I would love you to sign up for either the course or one-on-one work. Let's do this. You are worth it. Peace is truly priceless. I'm not just saying this right? I'm not just like, oh yeah, here's this course I'm telling you, you deserve to be able to feel confident and comfortable setting boundaries in your life and having peace and showing your children what they should and should not accept in their life. And that's what boundaries do. Not controlling other people, controlling our peace and what happens to us and what we do with that. So I could go on and on, but I will not because you got stuff to do. I got stuff to do. I'm going to go put my coconut oil on. I just got coconut oil for my face.

(14:10) Raw Coconut oil by coco and Company. Nope, it's not a commercial, it's just me blabbing because I'm staring at it excited. It smells delicious. I want to eat it, but I won't eat it when it's on my face. Cause that be extra weird? Okay, so on that note, I'll let you go. And if you also have not joined my Facebook group, private Facebook group, get in there. That link is also always in the show notes. So go just have a field day in the show notes, see what's there. It's fun. This is 14 minutes and probably 10 minutes of me just rambling. But that's what you get on the Christie Jade show. Should I change the title? Alright, you guys have a great weekend and I'll be back on Tuesday with the regular episodes. And Thursdays are Thrive in five because we can thrive in five, or in this case, 15. All right, smooches deuces. See you in the next one. Love you. 

 

If co-parenting feels harder now than it did when you were in the relationship, you’re not imagining it. Many women experience intense anxiety, emotional exhaustion, and self-doubt long after separation — even when they’re doing everything “right.”

In this episode, we unpack why co-parenting with a narcissist or high-conflict parent often feels like emotional whiplash, and why traditional advice like “just communicate better” can actually keep you stuck in a cycle of dysregulation. You’ll learn what’s really happening beneath the surface, why your nervous system reacts so strongly, and what shift actually creates steadiness and relief.

This conversation is about naming what others miss — and giving you language, clarity, and direction when co-parenting feels impossible.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode

• Why co-parenting can feel worse after the relationship ends

• How intermittent emotional reinforcement keeps your nervous system on edge

• Why “healthy communication” backfires with narcissistic personalities

• The real goal of co-parenting in high-conflict dynamics

• How reducing emotional access restores calm and clarity

Your Next Step in Healing

If this episode named something you’ve been feeling but couldn’t explain, this is the exact work I do inside my private coaching containers — helping women move from emotional whiplash to emotional containment so they can protect their peace and show up grounded for their kids.

Work With Me 1:1

3-Month Coaching Container Focused, high-touch support to stabilize your nervous system, strengthen boundaries, and stop being emotionally hijacked by co-parenting dynamics. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

6-Month Coaching Container Deeper healing and integration for women ready to fully rebuild self-trust, emotional safety, and confidence after narcissistic abuse. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/

12-Month Coaching Container A long-term, transformational container for women ready to fully reclaim their power, peace, and identity — and create a steady, regulated life beyond survival mode. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/

Additional Support & Resources

Free Boundaries Pocket Guide https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts https://christyjade.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/

Empowered Boundaries Course https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

Free Facebook Community https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

📩 Contact: 00:00):

Hello, hello everybody. How are you? I hope you are doing well. It has been super cold, super cold here in the DC area. We got lots of snow/ice. They were calling it, now I forget, some mix between ice and concrete. Ice create. That sounds like ice cream, but I don't think that was it. Anyway, it has been quite a wild ride over here and I want to do a special nervous system reset on Thursday. So make sure to follow this podcast on my main page. Just make sure to hit follow so you can get all my episodes, all my fancy stuff. But today we're talking about co-parenting because I know most of my clients are going through that. A lot of you listeners are going through that. And today I'm going to talk about why it feels like emotional whiplash more than co-parenting and why "good communication" can actually make it worse.

(00:58) Sometimes we're not given the best advice.

(01:04) Welcome to your Thursday Thrive In Five, your five-minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to. Take a breath queen, this one's for you. So welcome back. I'm Christie Jade. If you are co-parenting with a narcissist or high conflict, toxic, whatever buzzword you want to insert there, and you're feeling anxious, dysregulated, needing that namaste like myself right now. But it might be right after you're coming out or soon out of a relationship, or it could be you're years out and you're still feeling this, then you are in the right place today. This is one I've been wanting to record a while because it addresses something so many people feel, but don't really have the language for. So why does co-parenting feel harder than the marriage did in ways? Some of us who come out go, "Wait a second.

(02:17) Why does this feel harder? Should I have just stayed?" It can get even to that point. Why does a two-sentence text knock you out emotionally for hours or have you spinning, your mind spinning and trying to analyze, or you're just uptight on those eggshells you were when you were with them and you're still walking on the eggshells in different ways now. Why does all the advice about, "Oh, just be the bigger person, have good communication, seem to actually make things worse instead of better." I'm going to answer all of it. That's why Queen Christ is here. We're all queens in this together, right? So put your little shiny crown on and we'll have a little chatsky. Drink your beverage, your favorite beverage. Get cozy for this one. Mom's got a lot to say. All right. So first, let's start here. If co-parenting feels like emotional whiplash, one minute they're calm, maybe even cooperative.

(03:20) I've heard that from many of clients. Sometimes they act totally cooperative, but then boom, you turn around and it's back to the old shit. And then you're flooded with the anxiety, anger at them or even self-doubt, right? Going, wait, did I do this? Did I cause this? Or having guilty feelings or doubting yourself or almost guilt or ashamed, being ashamed or feeling shame around any and all of the past or present things going on. So it's not necessarily a sign you're totally unhealed. That experience has a name. It's intermittent emotional reinforcement. Okay? So here's what almost no one explains clearly enough. Co-parenting with a narcissist is not primarily about parenting. Obviously, I mean, there's more to this, right? But I want to first say, of course, that's not saying it's not the focus.

(04:27) The focus is always being the best we can for our kid, but I'll get to that. But it's about the continued emotional access. So the relationship ended, but the access didn't end. First of all, it feels like it can't because you're still tied by the children, right? And that is somewhat true. But every text, every quick clarification, every schedule issue becomes their opportunity to reassert control. And what do we know about narcissists? They're always trying to either gain control or see if they still have control. It's always about power and control. It also gives them opportunity to create confusion. That is one of their favorite things to do is confuse or pull you back into self-doubt. That's why it feels so destabilizing. So why the good communication backfires? Most co-parenting advice assumes two emotionally safe adults who want resolution. So when you see all this, "Oh, co-parenting," and you're like, "My friends over there, Dick and Susie know how to do it.

(05:44) Why can't we do it? " Well, one of them's probably not a narcissist or the other one knows how to navigate narcissists, right? If there is a narcissist involved, which is not common. But narcissists or high conflict, the toxic people, personalities, whatever you want to call it, they don't want resolution. So that's the difference too between you have two healthy adults co-parenting. They both want resolution. They want what's best for the kid. A narcissist wants what's best for the narcissist. Okay? That's a very, very different game you're playing. They want engagement with you even. I'm talking about with you. They want a reaction and they want relevance. So when you're told, "Just communicate clearly. Oh, just be calm. Just keep it about the kids." Mind you, do I say this in some of my coaching? Yes, but it's mixed with other things. Just keep it about the kids.

(06:56) In that case, I would say when you're responding to them, you do only have to answer things that are pertinent to the children. That's an example. But sometimes people just say in general, "Oh, it's some easy thing to just keep about the kids, just be calm." When you're actually, what you're actually being asked to do is to stay emotionally available. And that's the very thing that can keep that cycle alive, which we don't want to do. So the somatic piece of this, which if you don't know, I do a lot of somatic work with my coaching. All the information my coaching can get more details is in the show notes, the description. Click on any of the links of my ... I have three programs. This is the part that matters deeply because if you're sensitive, intuitive, highly empathetic, like yours truly, which can be a blessing and a curse in some situations it feels like, right?

(07:56) But your nervous system, learn this person before your mind could explain them. So when you get a message from this person, you get the tight chest, you get the racing, spinning thoughts I was talking about, the sinking feeling in your stomach, that's not weakness. It's not you being irrationally afraid, right? It's pattern recognition. So I want you to kind of soak that in.

(08:31) It's your body knowing what unpredictability costs, because you've experienced it already with this person. This also, if you may notice in other situations, right? If something's similar, it's kind of like what we call a trigger. And in some situations where PTSD can trigger things, right? You can have that same feeling with somebody else because it's the same pattern. So it's pattern recognition. In this case, it's double whammy because it's the same person, same pattern, very, very familiar. Yeah? So here's the reframe that I want you to hold onto. The goal is not healthy communication. It's emotional containment, right? You're not co-parenting for connection. It would be great. Yes. How great would it be if we could be BFFs with our exes and co-parent together, or even FFs, or even just F, friends, right? But with a narcissist, there's a reason you're here listening to this and it's not, "Oh, let's navigate how to be friends with a narcissist." It's how to navigate dealing with emotional manipulation.

(10:04) Somebody who has already done damage and you're trying to heal and navigate co-parenting with them, it's not easy. You do not need to be friends with them. You don't need to be ... I don't want to say don't be kind, but you can be civil, but that is different with an unhealthy versus a healthy person. When you're in a civil situation where you don't want to be friends, but they're not necessarily abusive or narcissistic or toxic, you just don't want to be friends, you can have more of a civil kinder relationship. With narcissists, you really have to keep things limited.

(10:48) There's not peace talks, not mutual understanding because they will never understand you because they don't want to. Again, they don't want resolution. They don't want the same things you do. Even if they say they do, it is a lip service. There's not emotional resolution. That's again, why we're here. You really cannot have emotional resolution with a narcissist. And that is something, once you realize, can make things a little easier for yourself. Going, "I am going to no longer try to connect to this narcissist in a normal, functioning, healthy way." They don't work like us. And sometimes that's a lot to process, a lot to digest. I have a client right now, we're going through the earlier phase. She has been out of the situation, but the earlier phase where she's having a hard time just processing that she's been with someone a very long time and that they're this person and that there's been a lot of lip service.

(12:01) There's been a lot of pretending, a big mask has been worn by this narcissist, as you all know. Excuse me. Listen to my little alarm beeping over there.

(12:13) So what actually works? Because we're told, let's say from therapists, I had a therapist years ago. I only went to him once because his advice I knew made no sense with the narcissist. So I walked out of there halfway through, I left. I had to pay, unfortunately. But I'm telling this person it's a narcissist and people dismiss it and think, "Oh, you're crazy. You call everyone a narcissist probably." No. Little did they know that I'd be a narc specialist. But he said, "Oh, just write a nice letter. That would be great if it was so unhealthy and kind that wanted resolution." We know narcs. I do, at least. If you don't know, I'm telling you narcissists, there's not a clean, nice way to have a relationship with them.

(13:18) How should I put this? Because I feel like I can never, in public, I could get backlash. So I will say never say never. There's 0.000145 chance that a narcissist can be self-aware, actually go to therapy, actually do the work that will take years to get to a place where they can actually maybe have somewhat of a healthy relationship. Ain't nobody got time for that. So we're moving on. So what works with most narcissists, fewer words, not necessarily better words. Keep it very, very simple. You consolidate, consolidate, consolidate. You're sitting there writing that text out and you're like this and that. Well, what if I did this and oh, what do you absolutely have to say? They could say, "Oh, there you go. Saying I'm a bad guy again when you didn't say he's a bad guy." But he's twisting everything. He's going on manipulating, writing this whole big text, and then you're going to write back a defensive text.

(14:25) "I never said that. Whoa, bring it all back, sister. "You don't have to respond to anything unless at the end of that text or somewhere he's saying," Can I pick up Sally at four o'clock Sunday? "And you say," Yes. "Or," No, please stick to the plan that we agreed upon. You can pick her up Saturday at 3:00, whatever it is.

(14:52) Stick to your legal stuff. That's a whole other episode. "But this whole them throwing out their line and you taking that bait makes everything worse. More words, worse. Please listen to my Gray Rock Method episode. I'll try to remember to link in the, I'm going to say below because when I'm on YouTube, I say below. Link in the description, the show notes. Written communication. This saves me in daily life just in it's saved me in jobs. It has saved me with home renovation stuff where someone lied and then I got to bring it out and say," Nope, I got the proof right here. "I come from a family of lawyers, people. If anything, always have it written. If words are not recorded, you can also use Family Wizard. There's other apps too. Family Wizard is one. One of my clients swears by it and it has saved her because she had audio recordings of conversations that later she got to use to prove something.

(16:09) It was proof. We love proof. I love proof to you. So written communications whenever possible. Even if you have a phone conversation, which maybe you wished it would've been written, follow up just write after it, text and say," Just to reiterate, I'll be picking up Janessa at 4:00 PM tomorrow, or whatever it is. Get it in writing, send it in writing. "No emotional language. This is a big one too. They want your emotions. They want your emotions good or bad. It's kind of like a toddler. They just want the attention.

(16:54) For them, it's different than a toddler. Toddlers are just learning their little babies in the world. They want attention and they're just figuring life out. Narcissists want a reaction because it shows them they have control. And what did they love the most in life? Girls and boys, are we listening? Yes, control. Okay? So no emotional language. No explaining. Here's the hard part, and I know this is hard, but gosh, I have conquered this and I love it. No explaining, no defending or clarifying yourself. And this is in general in life. As women, we can be major overexplainers. It's just like in our culture, at least in America here, where we just have to explain away everything. Why we're not coming to a party and we give 50 reasons.

(17:54) When you're with a narcissist, then of course you are really conditioned because you will get punished. You'll get punished no matter what usually, right? But you try to get less of a punishment if you can explain and try to reason out of something when really there shouldn't even have to be an exclamation, an explahation. So no more overexplaining, no more defending. Just think of the facts. What do you absolutely have to say in response? Get very almost like legal about it. If they're asking a question, and this is stuff, if you have a lawyer, obviously talk to them about what you are required to respond to. But we as women will overexplain. And even as men, especially dealing with narcissists, this is equal for men and women if you're in the narcissistic situation. The men will definitely have to explain because they're afraid if they don't explain what will happen.

(18:59) Okay?

(19:02) This way, there's less room for interpretation, less room for them to twist your words. You use three factual words rather than a paragraph of fluffy words that they can just twist and turn and make a mess with. Yeah, you'll be much happier. So they can also, it's less of an opportunity to hook you and less access to you. The less information you give them, the better. You know narcissists use anything you give them as ... What's it called? Why can't I think of words? Words. Where are you? Like ammo. That was it. Ammo for ... They save it in a little bin. So you say something, they might use it right back then, or they might take it out several months later and use either your vulnerability or just information. Maybe you're upset and you're just kind of like vomiting words and something comes out.

(20:03) They could use that against you later. So the key in conversation with them is in writing as much as possible and as little as possible, unemotional as possible. Okay? So I want to pause here first because I get so worked up about these peeps. It's like I don't, in my own situations or whatever, I can navigate and handle, but I still, this is why I do this because I get so passionate about like, I hate that these people get away with this stuff. And that's why I want to help you guys so much. I really do. But let's acknowledge something here. Okay? It is deeply unfair that you have to do this. You're in a really tough situation. So give yourself grace, first of all. You didn't choose a high conflict co-parent. I get that you chose to be with this person, but you didn't know, usually you didn't know what you were getting into or your body was in self-preservation, which it's not your fault.

(21:12) Yes, you learn the lessons and now you learn the lessons. If you're dating around, you use these as lessons. You teach your kids what not to or what to look for in a partner as you learn maybe yourself, what is a good partner. But you may have grown up in a situation in a family that was toxic or you had low self-esteem for X, Y, Z reason, and you ended up with somebody because you were vulnerable. It's not your fault someone took advantage of a good person. So it's kind of a little sidetrack there, but I want you to understand why I'm saying you didn't choose it because people are like, "Well, I chose..." No, you're just probably a really good-hearted, empathetic person, which is, I guess, a narcissist dream in a way, right? But that doesn't make it bad that you are that way.

(22:19) I want you to stay empathetic. Now we just learn the tools, how to deal with them, how to not get in that situation again. So I want you to shake any of that guilt off. Shake it with me. Woo. All right. You didn't sign up to become an expert in boundaries and nervous system regulation. Neither did I. And here I am, right? This is my whole life now, but I will say this is part of my purpose. So it is what it is. Do I look back sometimes like, "Gosh, why did she ... The younger version of me have to go through that? That sucks." Yeah, I do. But I'm also like, now I can help people. So that's my job here. But what I had to learn, because I was so conditioned to act as if, even in my family, sorry, mom, if I'm throwing anyone under buses, but in my family dynamic, and there was some old school, and I say to my mom, this isn't about her, but just I know she don't like when I talk family stuff just in general.

(23:35) This is not, just to be clear, this is not about my mother, but I have an old school Italian family and there were members, maybe extended, maybe whatever, different people in the family that cater to ... It's like old school Italian where even they might cater to the males of a family, right? That can be in some of these older minded cultures, right? I'm trying to say this without saying too much, where we grow up kind of tiptoeing around the males in the family and they can put you down or belittle you or whatever, especially the girls or maybe the younger children. It depends on the family or dynamic, but you grow up feeling like you're not allowed to protect yourself, your peace. You're not allowed to stand up for yourself, right? You're kind of conditioned in this way. So that can also make you enter into unhealthy relationships because you view them as what's normal, because that's what you know.

(24:47) But I want to let you know, no matter what kind of toxic shit you had to grow up with or toxic relationship you had or are in right now, protecting your peace, saying, "I don't want to be mistreated. I don't want to be dismissed. I don't want to feel like shit. I don't want to question myself. I don't want to be confused all the fucking time." It's not selfish. You're not being selfish by protecting yourself.

(25:23) There is a huge difference. You're not trying to control anyone. You're not trying to be mean to anyone. You are literally protecting your mental health. And I get so mad I could just scream because it's so hard to watch so many people get really, really mind-fed by narcissists and made to think that requiring peace for yourself is selfish. That's what your condition. When you say, "No, I want peace. I don't want to be verbally abused. I don't want to be physically abused. I don't want to be manipulated. I don't want to be so confused because somebody has just twisted my mind up and I don't even know who I am anymore." That's not okay. And you're conditioned to think that that is selfish and I'm here to just remind you it's not. Okay? Major tangent was not on my little outline here. All right.

(26:50) And this is a reminder in my notes here because I did get sidetracked eyed to go, "Wait, where was I? " This is also for your kids. So we're talking about co-parenting here. So you want to say, "Well, what about the kids?" And I want to have peace with the kids. The best thing in the world for your children is to watch you as a role model, because we know the other one probably isn't doing a great job as a role model. So yes, you have to step up. Does that mean be the bigger person and be overly charming and kiss a narc's ass? No.

(27:36) It means find peace yourself in yourself. Find a way to not take the bait, to not be emotional, not because you're trying to appease them, but because you're trying to get your own peace. I mean, right in general, the best revenge is a happy life, a happy, peaceful life. Best revenge on anyone, but this isn't about revenge. This is about you recreating a life for yourself and your kids. They are watching you and you want children who are watching you and saying she wasn't mean, but she had peace and was happy and demanded peace around her. You can demand peace. I know you're not used to that word probably. Get used to it, baby. It looks good on you. Demand peace. That doesn't mean you're controlling anyone else. That doesn't mean you're telling someone even how to speak to you. It's telling someone, "If you speak to me like this, I'm going to walk the fuck out.

(28:56) I'm going to hang up the phone." Other people can do what they want, but you're not going to allow it into your life. You're not going to allow their toxic energy. Picture it. All right. I want to picture yourself. I want you to picture yourself in a beautiful, glowing yellow bubble of peace. Okay? Just imagine that. And then you see that toxic Ema 10 feet away in a big cloud of black, smelly, stinky, pig pen-ass smoke coming off them. And you see them. Are you going to pop your bubble and let them in or are you going to keep that bubble up? That's your boundary. That's setting boundaries. You say, "You can come near me all you want. You can come as close as my boundary is, but you're not getting in here. And if you tried again in here, I'm going to walk away.

<rest of transcript unavailable>

If you’ve ever wondered why you feel overwhelmed, reactive, emotional, or exhausted after dealing with a narcissist — this episode is for you.

So many women come out of narcissistic abuse believing something is wrong with them. That they’re “too sensitive,” “too emotional,” or “too much.” But what you’re experiencing isn’t a personality flaw — it’s a nervous system response.

In this episode, I explain why your body may still be on high alert long after the narcissist is gone, how emotional conditioning keeps you stuck in self-doubt, and why logic alone doesn’t stop these reactions. Most importantly, we talk about how to begin restoring safety inside your body so you can stop blaming yourself and start trusting yourself again.

You are not broken. Your body learned how to survive.

Your Next Step in Healing

If your body still feels stuck in fight-or-flight — even when you know the narcissist was the problem — deeper support can make all the difference.

I offer three private coaching containers depending on the level of support you’re ready for:

Transformational Coaching – 3-Month Deep-Dive A focused container to stabilize your nervous system, reduce emotional reactivity, and rebuild self-trust. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

Queens of Peace – 6-Month Coaching Container For deeper nervous system healing, boundary integration, and identity rebuilding after narcissistic abuse. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/

Queens of Peace – 12-Month Coaching Container For women ready to fully reclaim their peace, power, and sense of self long-term. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/

Questions or not sure where to start? Email me directly at https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

• Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts https://christyjade.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/

• Empowered Boundaries Course https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

• Free Facebook Community https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

If you’ve ever wondered why your body still panics—even when you know better—this episode is for you. Narcissists don’t just manipulate conversations; they manipulate states like fear, urgency, guilt, and confusion. And once your nervous system is activated, logic goes offline.

In this episode, Christy breaks down three specific ways narcissists hijack your nervous system, why your reactions are not a failure, and how to begin calming your body so you can respond with clarity instead of spiraling. This is especially important for anyone co-parenting, navigating post-separation abuse, or dealing with a narcissistic parent or ex.

You’ll learn how nervous system hijacking actually works—and why healing isn’t about “being stronger,” but about safety, regulation, and self-trust.

Your Next Step in Healing If interactions with a narcissist still send your body into panic or shutdown, 1:1 coaching offers personalized nervous-system-aware support, communication strategy, and boundary clarity—especially for high-conflict or co-parenting situations. Email: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

6-Month Coaching Container Deep nervous system work, boundary integration, and identity rebuilding so you stop second-guessing yourself and start living from calm authority. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/

12-Month Coaching Container Long-term healing for complex trauma, co-parenting, family narcissism, and post-separation abuse—supporting true, lasting regulation and peace. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/

Additional Support & Resources

Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free) https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts https://christyjade.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/

Empowered Boundaries Course https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

Free Facebook Community https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:00):

If you've ever thought, why am I still panicking when I know better? This episode is for you. Today, I'm going to break down three very specific ways narcissists hijack your nervous system so you can stop blaming yourself and start calming your body again. Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to take a breath, queen. This one's for you. Alright, so welcome back. Let me say this clearly right out of the gates, if your body still reacts even after therapy, after setting your lovely boundaries and doing everything right, you are not failing. Your nervous system has been trained. So narcissists don't just manipulate conversations, right? They manipulate states. So states of fear, urgency, God, I hate that one. Guilt and confusion. So today we're not talking about just, oh, just ignore 'em or be stronger, right?

(01:19) We're talking about how the hijacking actually happens and what helps you come back to safety. Alright? So the first way they use urgency to bypass your regulation, this one is very, very important and one that I didn't really learn about till later in my research. Education, knowledge, all of them, right? This urgency is something we all get conditioned to have. So it can be sneaky, it can be sudden texts, last minute demands, fake emergencies. I remember having some of those, like this needs to be handled right now or call me immediately. I've literally had a narcissist say, this is an emergency you need to pick up when I wouldn't pick up. And then it goes, you go, oh, okay. And then you find out it's not really an emergency, right? So urgency shuts down your thinking brain and activates what we are familiar with survival mode.

(02:33) So your body doesn't ask, is this real? It asks, am I in danger? And once you respond from that place, the narcissist feels power again. So what do we do with all this, right? I can just, sorry, I'm just thinking back to that urgency feeling and how disruptive is right. So I just want to, I guess for solidarity sake right now, say I see you and I feel you in this space of urgency. And it's this just constant stress in your body that is feeling like everything's urgent and this fear of if you don't respond right away, if you don't do what they say, it's this tight chest tight neck. It literally changes your body, not just your mentally, but your body, your physiology. So one way to reframe it is that urgency does not mean importance. So what can help with this is before responding pause and orient, because you have to pull yourself out of this urgency.

(03:55) You have to retrain, reframe your brain so that you don't feel stuck in this cycle. So orienting, I've talked about this on here before, but this really helps in these situations. So you can just pause wherever you are. This is great. You can do this tool anywhere. Name three things you can see. So I'll do an example right now that you don't have to think about it. This is non-thinking work. This is get in your body work. Okay, Queens, we need to get in our bodies way more. So how do we do that? Orienting is one step. So I'm looking at my beautiful floral picture. It always helps. I like to my eyes organically kind of gravitate towards the prettiest things in the room. So this beautiful, beautiful bouquet of flowers. So automatically I'm looking at that and remember to just kind of focus on the details, even if it's one detail.

(04:57) There's just this one kind of magenta flower against the rest of the pastel. So I'm kind of just letting my gaze set on that and just observing that for a minute. And not even a whole minute, but a few seconds, 30 seconds. A second thing right now I'm looking at my flamingo. She's beautiful too, but what really crotches my eye is her glittering gold crown. Yes, I have a flamingo with a crown because how crispy is that, right? So I'm just letting my gaze settle on her crown and enjoying the reflecting light on the glitter as glitter is my favorite color all. And just kind of letting myself be present looking at that. And then I'm going to look another direction and I'm seeing a beautiful piece of artwork again, it's a different piece of artwork. I have a lot of artwork. I love art.

(06:00) If you don't know that about me, now you do. And it's got some really beautiful teal shades in the background. And this also is a nice little cozy feeling because me and my stepsister and my daughter created this artwork together and it's just beautiful. So that's like an extra icing on the cake. If it is something beautiful or that has a nice story with it, but it doesn't have to be, it could just be like a couch cushion and you're just looking a little deeper into it, like the texture. So those are three things you can see, and you can name them out loud. You can say beautiful flowers, crazy old flamingo with the crown, gorgeous teal background of the painting, right? Then you put your feet on the floor, okay? Because this is, you want to get grounded. So you're getting present, you're getting grounded, noticing you're right here in this moment. Your feet are here on the ground, you are here.

(07:12) And slow your breath. Inhale through your nose, exhale through your mouth. That's called a halo breath. Inhale through your nose and out your mouth, okay? And then ask, is this truly urgent or just activating? Now my example where that person said this is an emergency. Of course, when we have children, let's say your child is at their house, you are of course, no matter what, that's going to feel urgent, be urgent until the true story, whether it is or not. So you do have to respond to something like that. But there's a lot of examples, and you probably can already think of some that aren't truly based on urgency, right? So if they're saying, I want to know if blah, blah, blah, but it's really not that urgent, but they make it feel urgent. They have a tendency to get that control and that power over you. And you go, is this really urgent or is it activating? Or is it just what I've been taught to respond like this? Alright, so number two, another way is they weaponize tone not content. So here's why their message messages mess with you even when they're reasonable.

(08:45) And that other people, I feel like we're always like, oh, other people don't see it, of things like that where it seems reasonable, but you know that you can see the difference or hear the difference. So it's not what they say, it's how they often say it. But that sarcasm, a kind of cold politeness. If you know subtle digs, maybe not so subtle digs, but we're talking about the more subtle things and concern that feels threatening. So your nervous system remembers who you are and how they make you feel, how it makes your body feel with their tone, with their actions, all of that, your body remembers, right? That's why we do somatic work, which I'll talk about in a little bit. Not just the words. It's not just the words, it's the whole energy around it. So that's why you reread their messages over and over.

(09:54) I know you've done that. That's why your chest tightens that neck. Like oh, it's just everything the muscles contract in your body and that's why you spiral. The mental spiral is real. So you're not dramatic, you're conditioned. Okay, so with this one, what helps read the message once and identify the category, not the emotion. Okay, is it logistics? Is it information, useful information? Maybe, maybe not. Is it bait? Are they baiting you? Right? And so you respond only to the category, not the tone. Is it logistics with picking up your child? Don't take the bait part of it, just respond with an answer if you need to yet two o'clock, whatever time you agreed upon whatever it is, or is it just bait? Often it can just be bait. Now why would you do X, Y, Z? There's no real question in there. That is a bait question.

(11:21) If it's something they do not need to know. And those are very common bait questions or bait guilt trips. Oh, so I'm the bad guy, I try to help you out. Look what you do. There's no need to respond to that at all, right? So you're responding to the category, yes, you're going to respond if it's some information that you need to give or obviously something that information needs to be figured out or whatever, if it's about your child or something like that. So way number three, they pull you into self-doubt. Not my favorite either. None of these are, this is the most damaging one. I will say that. I mean that urgency can be so triggering, but the self-doubt one is where that longer term damage really, it really does happen from this, right? So they'll provoke you, react as many people would, and then you'll beat yourself up maybe about it, right? Why did I respond? Why am I still affected? I get this question so much from my clients, why am I still affected? Am I ruining this for my kids? So there's a shame loop there and it keeps your nervous system stuck. But here's the truth, your reaction is not a character flaw, it's a protective response that hasn't been updated yet.

(13:12) It's still working back there. It's a protection that needs a little refresh. So what helps in this situation, after any interaction, you can say this, my body reacted because it learned this pattern for survival. I'm safe now. My body reacted because it learned this pattern for survival. I'm safe now and often with my clients in this somatic world, when we go on our little somatic journeys together, this stuff will come up and we will rewire that part, part of the brain that's thinking, oh, I'm still not safe. I'm still not safe. We go into that world and rewire so that we can feel safe again. So after that, you can do something regulating like take a walk, stretch. Oh, the power of YouTube. Do you know how many stretches Pilates, yoga, dance is on there? Unlimited. So there's no excuse. You can't literally, you don't have to do a 30 minute video.

(14:29) Just move your body. Move your body. I'm telling you, moving your body really is so healing. Okay, another one, and I just did this with my client the other day. She messaged me on Voxer. If you don't know what Voxer is, it's like a walkie-talkie app and we can walkie-talkie or text back and forth through the app. And my long-term ongoing clients get this bonus with their packages where in between calls we get to walkie-talkie, we get to Voxer. It's so fun. One of my favorite things and she was just like having a moment and I said, okay, for this specific thing, and there's different things and you also, there's many methods and tools. We can talk about that in another episode. So for this specific client and what was going on, I knew that the cold water would be a really good one, cold water on the wrists.

(15:31) So I said, go run your wrist under really cold water and tell me how you feel after. And she felt better. It worked. So now she can use that as a tool. That's something that worked for her and it works for a lot of people, but maybe it won't work exactly for you. There's plenty of other tools. So if you aren't a big fan of cold water, we'll find something else. And then there's always breath work. We call it breath work, but really it's just breathing, slow breathing. There's so many different ways. I actually am certified in breath work, so I know all the different breathing patterns and breathwork patterns and my favorite is the halo in through the nose, out through the mouth. I just love that one to regulate the nervous system. But you do what feels best for you. I always use my favorites with clients or even on these podcasts, but this is about learning what works for you too. You get to say, I'm more comfortable just breathing in and out my mouth or in and out just my nose or taking super long inhale and just a little inhale. Is that a new word? Exhale.

(16:46) So just don't forget that this work has to work for you. You have to be comfortable. So just a little reminder. But yeah, so doing any of those regulating actions, walking, stretching, cold water, breath work, even just popping on some Britney Spears, I don't know if that's maybe not one of her videos right now where she's doing crazy things with knives, but you get my drift. Something that brings you joy and where you can move your body. So an important little reminder, your kids don't need a perfect unbothered parent. They need emotional honesty and safety, showing them how to calm their bodies after stress and being a role model, being a role model for them, saying, I'm taking the time to heal and take care of myself. Obviously they don't need to know all the ins and outs of what's happened with your ex and all of that, but showing them in general when you are in a dysregulated space saying, you know what? There's tools for this. I'm not going to ignore it and try to be a hero. I'm going to be a hero by actually saying, oh, my body's dysregulated, so I'm going to take a few moments to myself, right? This is teaching them resilience, not weakness.

(18:23) You absolutely have to take care of yourself to keep moving forward, get burnt, crispy, fried. That can happen after narcissistic abuse especially. We are resilient ERs. Can I get a what in the back? Yes. Okay, good. Thank you. Alright, so you're not failing, you're not weak, you're not too sensitive. I know you've been told that by that lovely narcissist. I'm sure you're not. You are unlearning a nervous system pattern that was not your fault. It was someone else. Controlling and manipulating and conditioning you and healing doesn't mean that you'll never ever react again. It means you come back to yourself faster. We were born with emotions. We're supposed to have emotions. We have them, right? I'm like, yeah, God said, let there be anger, let there be joy. Let there be all the feelings.

(19:26) He could have tucked a couple of those back in his pocket. But here we are with all of them and we're supposed to have them. And a lot of them help us to know, well, let's say fear, right? We have fear to protect us. We have anger to be able to express ourselves, but it is being able to get back to the grounded part of us way more quickly than when we have been through abuse and we are triggered and we are scared and we are still in survival mode. We have to be more regulated. We've got to get that back. And that's when you start to feel the joy, the peace, the calm again, if you can even imagine.

(20:19) And with less shame, less guilt. We don't like those words around here. We're going to stomp 'em. Okay? So if co-parenting or dealing with a narcissist keeps hijacking your piece, my one-on-one coaching is for nervous system aware support and strategy. So if you are somebody, I have a lot of co-parents, I have people who have narcissists in their family and they have to deal with them, but they're not living with them actively. Usually it's someone that they can keep a space with because I really work with people who are ready to regulate their nervous system and not be really intertwined with the narcissist, if that makes sense. If we're co-parenting, that's a different story. Many of my clients are because they are forced to, but they are on the journey to really getting not entangled other than what they absolutely have to. And that's where a part of my specialty lies, how to navigate that.

(21:31) So there's that. There's the copy paste piece scripts, and if words are your biggest trigger, you have trouble with knowing what to say. I have those and my Empowered Boundaries course for the full boundaries system covering all your boundaries. If you get nervous about setting boundaries or you don't know how to keep them or you're nervous about what to do if someone pushes back, it's all in there. And there is a free boundaries pocket guide. If you're just starting, this is a great place to start. But the one-on-one coaching, if you know want to sign up, I have three, six, and 12 month options for you. I do occasionally do one-off calls, so you can email me if you're interested in that. I don't promote that as much anymore. That's like if you really just don't understand and you want to get a better idea of what's involved with the coaching and the somatic healing.

(22:37) And so I can tell you briefly, the coaching obviously is how to navigate all of this on a logistical way and I will give tips and methods and whatever. And the somatic healing part is we actually go on little somatic journeys. And that can be, I mean it's more than meditation, it is nervous system calibration and balancing, rewiring the brain, going to childhood stuff where we go back and into the childhood vortex. We're not going and going into very long elaborate triggering traumatic sessions here. This is usually at the most a half hour, usually less. It's a whole hour long call, but usually it is less than a half hour of the actual journeying. And it can involve so much and that's why we could have a call if you want to get more details. But it's really recalibrating your nervous system through different methods, right?

(23:56) It's through the body. Somatic means body. So we are healing your body. It's remembered everything. The body is kind of not caught up with the brain. You might say, I know that I shouldn't worry about this. Why is my body still viscerally reacting when I see a text message from this person? So we get to go in and heal that part on a somatic level, a deeper level. I mean the mind is a deep place too, but on a deeper level as far as the body and the cells and regeneration and rewiring, it's amazing work. It's mind blowing. That's why I do it. My favorite thing. Alright, so if you're interested in that, either signup, if you know you want to do that, there are signup links for all three packages, check them out. You can read more details in there too. Or if you'd like to jump on a one-on-one call, it's like an intake call.

(24:56) So that's like if you're pretty sure you want to do it, but you just want more information. And that's where I can take more of your information to get your story and share about in more detail what we would do together. So there's also that you can email me if you're interested in that. My email and those links are always in the show notes. So the show notes are always in the episodes. And I believe on the main page of whatever podcast, you're listening to this as well, but if you go right to the episode page, everything will be in that description box. Okay? So remember, Thursdays are Thrivent five always related to Tuesday's episode, and they're shorter episodes. We do little somatic healing tools and all of that fun. So those are great to save and use later too. You can always go back to them.

(25:51) So they're a good resource. This is an ongoing journey healing. It's not like a one and done. There has been some damage, but guess what? That doesn't mean you are damaged. That doesn't mean you cannot heal, which so many people come to me feeling like that. And I love why I do this work is watching them come in feeling helpless and being done, whether it's 3, 6, 12 months. The transformation is obviously more and more the longer you do the program. But even after three months, the transformation, the transitions, the healings that people have is just incredible and it's just beautiful work. So obviously I'm a big fan, but I will also follow, so you get my episodes right? Look at the, it should say follow, I believe wherever you are on whatever platform, follow or subscribe or something you don't miss my next episode, which will be Thursday and all of the fun episodes.

(26:58) And I'd love you to email me with episode ideas that you have. I'm here for you. What would you like to learn more of? I know there's a lot of information already. I don't even know, 200 episodes or something. Two 50. And I just reached 200,000 downloads, which thank you. I'm so glad. See, it's hard. I'm not glad it resonates because that means a lot of people go through this stuff, which is hell. But I'm so glad that I'm able to help that many people. That's just insane to me. And I'm so grateful that I get to do this work. I really am. So thank you for supporting and listening and being a part of that. I recently hit 200,000 downloads, so it's awesome. So yes, reach out with any questions or just introduce yourself. I love to hear from you guys. So send an email, say hello, ask a question, suggest an episode, topic, whatever. I'm there. And also join my Facebook group. It's a private group for women and it's women who have gone through this abuse and are just like you. There's unfortunately a lot of us out there, but we can kind of be in solidarity together in the Facebook world. And so join that, and I will talk to you in the next episode. All right, love you. Bye.

Sometimes healing doesn’t start with heavy insight — it starts with a laugh.

In today’s Thrive in Five, Christy shares a light, humor-filled episode inspired by a conversation with her daughter about how dogs can surprisingly mirror narcissistic behavior. While this episode is playful, the patterns it highlights are very real — and often the same ones survivors were conditioned to normalize in toxic relationships.

This episode offers a nervous-system-friendly way to recognize narcissistic traits without shame, overwhelm, or self-blame. If you’ve ever laughed at something and then thought, “Wait… why does that feel familiar?” — this one’s for you.

In this short episode, you’ll notice:

• Why constant attention is not the same as connection

• How selective listening shows up in narcissistic dynamics

• What boundary violations really signal (and why they’re not your fault)

• Why love-bombing feels confusing but familiar

• How emotional regulation often gets unfairly placed on you

This episode is meant to be a collective exhale — because awareness doesn’t always have to come from pain.

Your Next Step in Healing If humor helps you see patterns, boundaries help you change them. Download the Boundaries Pocket Guide to learn how to protect your peace without guilt or over-explaining. 👉 https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Work With Christy 1:1

3-Month Coaching Container Ideal for unraveling confusion, breaking trauma bonds, and stabilizing your nervous system. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

6-Month Coaching Container For rebuilding self-trust, boundaries, and identity after narcissistic abuse. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/

12-Month Coaching Container Deep integration, long-term support, and lasting transformation. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/

Additional Support & Resources

• Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts: https://christyjade.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/

• Empowered Boundaries Course: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

• Free Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

Contact: 00:03):

Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to Take a Breath Queen. This one's for you. Okay, so I was joking the other day about how my dog is such a narcissist and my daughter was like, you should totally do an episode on how dogs are like narcissists. And I thought it was funny, but then I was like, you know what? Things are pretty heavy in the world right now. There's a lot going on. We could all use a little chuckle. So here it is, a little Christy humor today, but there is some real nuggets you can also take away from today's episode. So to be clear, this is a jokey episode, but stay with me because humor is sometimes the safest way to see patterns we've been trained to ignore.

(01:01) Alright, so sign number one that the dog is maybe a narcissist. The constant need for attention, your dog will stare at you, not blink, just stare until you acknowledge them. The translation is narcissists need constant attention, validation, reassurance, and emotional energy. Or they get very dysregulated like our little pups. A reminder though, the attention isn't connection, real connection does not require you to perform on the in the narc sense of things, right? In the human narc sense of things. Sign number two, selective listening. So your dog can hear a cheese wrapper from, I don't know, three rooms away, but come here, come here. I just had this happen two days ago with mine. Come here. I have a little Maltese cutest thing ever, but that guy doesn't listen unless he wants cheese, but nothing. I called him four times. Little guy was like, Nope. Because he knew I didn't have anything for him that he wanted at the moment, right? Translation, narcissists, hear what benefits them and ignore what doesn't. Especially your needs, feelings or boundaries. And the reminder for this consistently not hearing you isn't confusion. It's prioritization, right? All right, sign three zero. Respect for boundaries. Okay, bathroom time. Anyone, this is kind of like toddlers too, but dogs, your lap, there's your bed. Also theirs. The translation is narcissists feel entitled to your space, your time, your energy and access. Because boundaries feel like rejection to them.

(03:04) Do you know that? It's always about them. So if you have boundary for yourself, they're going to make it about them anyway. So the reminder, someone reacting badly to a boundary doesn't mean the boundary is wrong. Sign number four, love bombing. Your dog ignores you all day, then suddenly you grab your keys and they're obsessed with you and no, no, mommy, don't go. Does that sound familiar? The translation narcissists turn on affection when they sense distance or loss of control, not because they've changed narcissists, don't change. Reminder, consistency is the green flag. Intensity is not. We need our people, our partners, to show up consistently. Not just like, ooh, they just have that passionate fire and then it's just gone. They also punish us with that silent treatment. Abuse, the regular. Alright, sign number five. You are expected to regulate their emotions. Your dog is anxious, overstimulated, reactive. Somehow it's your job to manage that

(04:34) Translation. With narcissist. You end up soothing, explaining, fixing, calming while they avoid accountability. Be with a dog. It's kind of okay. And all these things might be okay with the dog, but we're talking about comparing it to the narcissist. Human reminder. In this case, you are not required to regulate someone else's emotions to be loved unless they're furry and eight pounds and cued as a button. So obviously dogs are innocent, narcissists are not. But humor helps us notice the patterns without the shame. So if this made you laugh and go, oh wow, hey, that's some awareness. And awareness is where healing actually starts. All right, so happy thrive in five Thursday. I hope you enjoyed this. Just fun little escape. I dunno, I felt like we needed to just have a little pivot of silliness. If you don't know me very well, you will find I am a silly one.

(05:42) A little wild, little outspoken. And I love dogs. But do I love narcissists? No I don't. So are dogs really narcissists? No. But if they were humans, they maybe would be good thing they're dogs. Alright, so I hope you enjoyed this episode. And don't forget to join my Facebook fam. I have a private Facebook group of women with women just like you that are members and it is private. There are questions to get in. Please fill those out. That is to make sure we are all nice and safe and there's no bots or crazy people, narcissists, furry dogs in our group. And also if you want to work on it, I do make healing fun in many ways. Ask my clients, we can have fun and we also get some major healing done. And if you want that, go check out my show notes. I have the ways to work one-on-one with me and there's my boundaries course.

(06:45) If you're a little more hands off right now and you just want to do an at your own pace course, that is a great option as well. And then there's a couple freebies always listed in there that you can do like my Pocket Boundaries, I can't even think of the name of it, but it's beautiful, it's fun and it's free. So that's in there. And as always, don't forget to follow and subscribe on whatever platform you're listening to this. Go to my main page and hit follow so you don't miss another episode because there's so many, they're not all off topic talking about dogs and crazy stuff. So dig into some more serious ones and get some more healing. This is a long game. I always say it's so weird because it's a long game, but we get so much done so quickly because there is a lot of healing to do when you have the damage done from a narcissist.

(07:45) So there's a lot, but we get so much done so quickly, especially obviously in my one-on-ones sessions. Those are weekly. By the way, someone did ask me the other day how frequently the calls are. We have one-on-one calls once a week. It's great. And that's a mix of coaching and somatic healing, which is healing from the body because our body stores everything it does, it keeps it in there. So this is a way to heal. But just even the podcasts, I have tons of emails every week coming in saying how the podcasts alone when they have binged them, have helped them get out of relationships or start to see things they never saw before. And also in parallel or and heal from that start really healing their body and getting these tools to use in everyday life. So that's the thrive in fives those tools.

(08:43) And then obviously Tuesdays are my longer episodes. We dive into more of the meat, we get a little deeper and really on the why's, the how's the why did this happen? We got a lot of those questions. Why did this happen? How do I navigate co-parenting? My parents this? All of those are in the Tuesdays and then we do little somatic healings on Thursdays, which that ongoing getting that knowledge mixed with the tools is going to set you up for healing with or without that one-on-one. Obviously the one-on-one is like you want transformation even faster and you want it customized, that's your jam, right? So find the healing that is best for you. There are literally options for any space you are in. Any financial situation you are in there is something for you. And if you have questions on anything, you can email me. My email is always in the show notes too. So find that or sign up for one-on-one sign for the Facebook page and I'll see you in the next episode.

Feel like you know they’re toxic but still feel emotionally hooked? This deep cord-cutting is your sacred reset. Release the energetic ties, reclaim your peace, and feel lighter—fast.

✨ Press play, Queen. Your freedom starts now.

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https://christyjade.ck.page/insider   Grab your #notmyshit Journal on Amazon https://amzn.to/46dDSYk   Speaker 1 (00:00):

All right, this episode is for saving, and you can go back to it over and over and over and over again. You might need it. Sometimes we do cord cuttings and they do work immediately. A hundred percent. I have had that happen with one of mine, one of my narcissist cord cuttings, another one where it was someone I had known a lot longer and deeper relationship with. It took somewhat longer a few times, and then sometimes it feels good to just do it if you have any sort of feeling like come back, right? Because nothing's foolproof, like, oh my God, you're never going to think about this person or worry about this person again in your life, right? But I promise you, there is energetic entanglement that does get separated when you do these cord cutting. So stay close. Wait for my amazing intro and then you'll be back. And we're going to dive deep into this cord cutting from a narcissist.

(01:07) Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back while you're in the right place. Queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom, and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and drive ice and had to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck, and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you, so steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up.

(02:05) Alright, welcome, queen. I am so excited for this episode because these have helped me so much. Oh my gosh. Let me just describe real quick. One of my favorite cord cuttings was from someone I knew from a very, very long time ago, and I was really worried. I had cut them out of my life and was like, this is going to be so hard. So right away, I'm going to do a cord cutting, and I had done cord cuttings before. That's so I had experience with them, so I knew to just do it right away. And I did a cord cutting. It was very powerful. I had some emotions come up. It was a 20 minute one just like this. And the I don't know, difference. It was really night and day right after. And I can't promise you everyone is going to have exact same results, but I do promise you will have some result and feel a change, even if it's a small one.

(03:09) It also depends on how open you are and what you believe. I always say you got to have faith for things to happen. That's just my personal beliefs about a lot of things. But this worked so well for me, especially with that one person. Other ones, like I said earlier, that it might take a little bit longer or a few times. So it depends. Everyone's different. So give it time, give yourself grace, but you will have some transformation of some sort, and definitely save this, save this, save this. Okay, so let's just take a breath for a second. Okay? This is your sacred space here where we're going to do this cutting. This is your moment to realize what no longer serves you. That doesn't mean you're selfish, just means there's something that it's not even just not serving you. It is doing damage to you.

(04:11) So to cut the energetic cords that have kept you tangled in pain, confusion, the chaos of narcissistic abuse, right? We don't want to stay in that spiderweb of hell. So you are safe here in this moment. You are powerful here. You have the power right here. You are coming home to you. So I invite you to take a deep breath in through your nose and exhale. This is the beginning of your new found freedom. Okay? When you feel ready, close your eyes. We're going to do a little breath work to start. Bring both hands to your heart and make sure you are in a quiet space where you will be uninterrupted. Take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. These are called halo breaths, and they're my favorite. Again, inhale peace.

(05:30) Exhale tension. Feel your body sink. Sink into whatever piece of furniture floor is supporting you, knowing this is your time. Let your shoulders drop. Unclench your jaw, soften your belly. Now breathe into your heart space. Visualize a soft golden light glowing in the center of your chest, expanding gently with every breath. This is your power center, your intuition, your truth. Now, I want you to imagine standing in a wide open space. It's safe, it's sacred, it's protected before you, and I'm here with you. You're not alone. You're safe before you stand. The image of the narcissist you are cutting ties with, they're only here as a symbol. Okay? You're safe. You're in full control here. They cannot hurt you here.

(07:18) Now, look down between you and this narcissist. There is an energetic cord. What does it look like to you? Is it thick, thin, frayed tight? Is it glowing? Is it dark? Just observe this cord without judgment. There's no right or wrong. It just is what it is. Just be with this cord. This cord has been connected through pain, guilt, trauma, obligation, maybe even love of some sort, familial, romantic friendship, love. But now it's time to release this court. Release these things that you've been carrying, not because you hate, but because you love yourself enough to let go. And I'm going to repeat that because you love yourself enough to let go.

(08:47) It's time to let go. Take a moment now to feel into what this connection has cost you. This might bring up some feelings. Just let them rise up. It's okay. Don't push them away. Just let them bubble up and say these affirmations quietly or aloud after me so you can say them in your mind or speak them out loud. Whatever you are comfortable with, I will say them first and give you time to repeat and go on to the next one. I acknowledge the pain this bond has brought. I acknowledge the way I've ded myself to stay connected.

(09:50) I acknowledge the confusion, the fear, and the self-doubt that's lived in this cord. I acknowledge that I am done, done, shrinking, done, doubting, done carrying energy that is not mine. Now we are getting to the cutting of the cord. Visualize yourself holding a powerful tool of your choice. This may be scissors, a golden sword with some diamonds. That's what I'm using, a beam of light, a torch. Whatever feels strong yet sacred to you. Okay, you've got that in your mind's eye. Raise that tool toward the cord. Now we're going to breathe in deeply through the nose. And on your exhale, you're going to swiftly cut the cord.

(11:30) Exhale, cutting the cord. Now watch it. Watch it fall away. Watch the image of that narcissist, dissolve, disintegrate. Feel your energy shift. Feel it. How does that feel? The lightness in your chest, the strength in your belly, that power and the peace that begins to bloom. Sit in this moment. Let yourself really enjoy this. Tears may come up, confidence may come up. Things you have been sitting on and squishing down may rise. There is a shift. There has been a shift in you. Now say aloud, I'll say it. And then you can repeat after me. I release you.

(12:45) I forgive what I need to for my own healing. I do not need closure. I create my own. The cord is cut, the pattern is broken. The cycle ends with me. Beautiful. Now we're going to seal and protect your energy. So when you feel ready, bring your hands back to your heart. Imagine that golden light in your chest expanding again, but now it begins to wrap around you like a cocoon. This is your shield, your golden shield. No one gets access unless you allow it. Right? You're in control. Repeat after me. I reclaim my energy.

(14:18) I call back every piece of me I gave away. I am whole. I am protected. I am safe in my own body, in my own power. Sit and feel that power for a moment. Breathe it in. Feel nice and strong. Balance that crown on your head, queen. Now visualize roots growing from the soles of your feet down into the earth. You can even picture some golden roots. Notice I like gold. You are grounded, you are anchored, yet you are free. Isn't that an amazing feeling? From here, I invite you to picture your future, the embodiment of you in your future. Feel it. You are light, you are free, you are rising.

(15:59) From this moment forward, the cord remains cut. It cannot reattach. You have already shifted. You've chosen by doing this here today. You have chosen your freedom. Repeat after me. I trust the healing has begun. I trust the Holy Spirit God, or maybe just your higher self is guiding me. I walk in peace. I walk in power, and I never look back. Take one more deep breath through your nose. Exhale. And when you're ready, gently bring awareness back to your body. Wiggle your fingers, roll your shoulders. Do some hip swerves, whatever feels good. And when you are ready, slowly open your eyes.

(17:44) You did something truly powerful today. You don't know anyone. Access to your energy, right? You're allowed to walk away without guilt. You are allowed to protect your own peace. You're allowed to be free. If you found this helpful, make sure to definitely follow the podcast for more healing tools. Thursdays, we do thrive. Thrive to five, I almost said that's not it. Five to thrive. So there are shorter healing methods. And generally on Tuesdays, they're my full episodes. This is kind of a rare one where I'm doing a whole episode related to an actual embodied exercise. But I have been asked to do this several times, so I'm finally doing it. So this is that deeper dive. And last week I did put out a shorter version. If you just want to a quick fix, you can always do that. And if you ever need a full personalized cord cutting, definitely email me.

(18:58) All of my information is always in the description notes. Do not forget to go over there if you want to work with me or purchase my boundaries course, which is amazing. I'm a little biased. Yes I am. But I love it. And I have many, many happy clients that have gone through the boundaries course and have told me all of their amazing shifts in their lives where they have gone from people pleasers to loving themselves, drawing boundaries without guilt, and had really amazing results. Right? So I hope you enjoyed this today. You are not alone. You are rising up like the queen you are. And I will see you in the next episode.

 

If guilt hits the second you set a boundary, it’s easy to think you did something wrong. But in narcissistic or emotionally unsafe dynamics, guilt often shows up because you finally did something right: you protected your peace.

In today’s Thrive in Five, we’re talking about why boundaries feel so hard after emotional abuse, how your nervous system connects “saying no” with danger, and the simple mindset shift that makes boundaries easier to hold.

You’ll also learn a 3-part boundary formula you can use immediately — without over-explaining, defending, or getting pulled into a debate.

This episode is for you if you’re ready to stop negotiating your needs and start building real emotional safety in your life.

Your Next Step in Healing

If you’re ready to stop second-guessing yourself and start holding boundaries without spiraling, I can help.

✨ 3-Month Coaching Container Focused support to stabilize your nervous system, strengthen boundaries, and begin rebuilding peace and self-trust. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

✨ 6-Month Coaching Container Extended support to deepen the work, practice boundaries in real life, and integrate new patterns with consistency. https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free): https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts: https://christyjade.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/

Empowered Boundaries Course: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:03):

Welcome to your Thursday Thrive In Five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to. Take a breath queen. This one's for you. What'd you think? That was me doing my sound test. What? And I feel too lazy tonight to edit it out, so you get to hear it. That's my sound test. Oh, my lighting is trash if you're on YouTube. Sorry. Sorry for you. My lighting is trash. I just put all these eyedrops in that probably are making my makeup a mess, but here I am. What do you get with Christie Jade? You get authenticity at its finest. All right. So today in our Thrivent five, we're talking about boundaries. They aren't mean. They're your nervous systems. Safety plan. All right? So if you feel guilty every time you set a boundary, you're not too sensitive, you're not bad at boundaries.

(01:20) You're trained to believe that protecting yourself is wrong. And today we are going to break that programming. Yes, we are. I love a good cycle breakage, right? All right. So here's the truth. A lot of women don't struggle with boundaries because they don't know what to say. They struggle because their body believes that a boundary equals danger. We've been conditioned that way. I hate conditioning, don't you? For the birds. Let the birds go have the conditionedness. What? I'm making up words now. So maybe in your past when you said no, you got punished. This could be childhood. This could be previous relationship, whatever. Maybe you got guilt tripped. I'm all too familiar with the guilt trippings. Maybe you got iced out, the silent treatment or the straight rage, which we know a lot of narcissists do serve as a lovely punishment. Or you got that fine.

(02:26) Do whatever you want. Energy where you're like, "Oh, great. What does that mean? That doesn't really mean fine." Yeah. So your nervous system learned. If I have needs, I lose connection. Let that sink in. We've been conditioned. If I have needs, I lose the connection, the connection you hope to have with somebody. So let me give you a reframe that changes everything. Okay? Hear me out. Maybe get a little notepad, write it down on a little post-it. A boundary isn't a demand. Okay? It's not trying to control someone else. A boundary is simply what you will do to keep yourself safe. And don't we? We all deserve safety. Can I get a what, what? Yes. We all deserve safety. So a boundary is just what you will do to keep yourself safe. It doesn't have to be about controlling somebody else. It's about what you're doing for you.

(03:32) So it's not, you need to respect me. It's, if you speak that way to me, I will end the conversation. It's not you need to stop texting me at night. It's, "Hey, after 7:00 PM, I can't respond or I won't be responding." Okay? It's not, "You need to understand why I feel this way." It's, "I don't need you to understand. I need you to stop.

(04:07) I don't need you to understand." So here's a simple three part boundary that works even with those difficult people. Okay? So the decision, number one, is I'm not available for this. It's the decision. Number two is the limit. This looks like I will not continue this conversation if it becomes disrespectful. So you've decided and you're setting a limit and then the follow through. If it happens again, I'm going to hang up, I'm going to leave, I'm going to mute you physically. No, I'm just kidding. Or ending this. That could be a relationship if it gets to that point. So going through them again, the decision, the limit, and then the follow through. And the magic isn't just in the words, it's in you doing it. I always say with my clients, you've got to stick to your word. You've got to be consistent. Okay? So let's talk about the part nobody prepares you for, which is the guilt wave.

(05:17) We so fun because guilt isn't, it's not proof you're doing something wrong. It's proof you're doing something new. So that guilt, it's like a discomfort. So it can be like a withdrawal. You're detoxing from being the version of you that was easy to control. Remember her?

(05:42) Right? And still might have some strings attached to her. So pulling away from that, it might feel wrong and uncomfortable, right? And you've been conditioned to feel guilty for not doing everything the narcissists want, being at their beck and call, right? All of that. So when this guilt shows up, I want you to say, "This discomfort is the cost of my freedom." This discomfort is the cost of my freedom. You want to be free, you're going to have to get a little uncomfortable because you weren't free, so you're not going to feel comfortable with freedom right away. It sucks. That's kind of how it works. That's why you work with a therapist or a coach, somatic healer, like yours truly somebody who gets narcissism and somebody who can help support you through the transition of being not free to finding that freedom and being able to live comfortably in that freedom.

(06:53) It's a little layered, but you can do it. I promise. Okay? And then you breathe. This discomfort, this is what you should write down if anything, this episode. This discomfort is the cost of my freedom. You want freedom? You getting it, baby. All right? So here's your Thrivent five little boundary practice today. Okay? I want you to pick one sentence and practice it out loud five times. Out loud. Yes. I know. It's awkward. I'm an awkward lady. Welcome. Welcome to Christie Jade. We're going to do it anyway. So you can choose one of these.

(07:34) No, that doesn't work for me. I'm not available for that. I'm going to think about it and get back to you. I'm not discussing this. If this continues, I'm ending the conversation. Okay? Those are some good, solid examples of boundary setting. And our goal isn't to sound nice. And I don't mean that like our goal is to sound mean either, right? But it's just to sound certain because when a narcissist smells the wobbly bobbly that you've been, the uncertainty that you have, the lack of confidence, when they smell that, they know that boundary's bullshit and you're not going to hold to it. You've got to first talk to yourself in the mirror, telling yourself these things, prep in, and then say them in whatever situation you need to this week, I'm not discussing this. You don't have to be mean. You don't have to be nice.

(08:38) You be neutral. Don't get your emotions involved. That's a big part of the Gray Rock method. Go check out that episode of mine if you haven't checked it out. Gray Rock Method is huge here. And this is an example of it. It's a boundary, but it's also not taking the bait, not getting emotional, keeping it simple and clear. And firm, you don't have to be mean. We're not here yelling at people. We're not getting all lamped up. Very, very, excuse me, very calm, very simple. We're not adding anything to these sentences. We're saying, "I'm not available for that, " or, "I'm not discussing this. " Or, and I've used this one myself, plenty. If this continues, I'm going to have to end the conversation. I can even stick and I love you in there. If this is someone in your family, a family member, look, I love you, but if this continues, I'm going to have to hang up the phone.

(09:37) That's it. Not me, not nice, just certain. The uncertainty, it invites the negotiation and we're not here for that. We've got to get away from negotiating with a narcissist. It's awful. Certainty ends that discussion. You're just saying, "This is it. These are the facts." Okay. And here's the little mic drop of the ep. All right? I love this and I've said this on here before, but I'm going to say it again. The people who benefit most from you having no boundaries will call you selfish when you finally get some.

(10:18) They don't like you not having boundaries because it doesn't benefit them anymore, right? Healthy people respect your boundaries. Unhealthy, toxic, narcissists, whatever, abusers, manipulators, they're not going to like your boundaries and they'll flip it on you, call you selfish, you're cold, or demanding. Let them, let them. Okay? Your peace is not up for debate anymore. All right? So if you want support actually holding boundaries without spiraling, check the links in the show notes. There's all the fun little ways to work with me and there's a boundaries course. If you're into courses and you can come hang out with me and other women like you in my Facebook community, that is private. You have to answer some questions to get in there because I want to keep it a safe space. So yes, we're going to make sure you're a real human and all of that good stuff.

(11:18) So it's just a couple questions and then you can join the community and we can have discussions in there. Meet like- minded people. And remember, keep that chin up. Let's do a little affirmation action to close this out. All right, repeat after me.

(11:37) I am amazing at setting boundaries. My peace is not up for debate because I'm a queen. Yeah, you are. Yes, you are. All right. So just a reminder, Tuesday episodes are my longer episodes and whatever topic they are, the following Thursdays are the Thrive in Fives where we do these shorter episodes to kind of support those Tuesday episodes with a little somatic fun or like we did here today, maybe some scripts, just like quick little tips on Thursdays. So definitely do not forget to follow me on whatever platform you're on, whatever podcast platform you're on. Find the follow button and follow so you get notifications.This is like some good stuff we're doing here and it's not like a one-time job, right? This is ongoing maintenance. You are a car that is healing and getting fixed up. You're not broken, but you know what I mean.

(12:47) And so what you consume really helps you. So if you're trying to heal, the more of this you consume, the more tips you get every week. It's like accountability for yourself. So definitely follow me. Other helpful podcasts. Make sure the stuff you're pulling in is healthy, healthy, peaceful stuff that can help you. Okay? So don't forget to follow. And I will see you on Tuesday for our next episode. Love you, bye.

If you’re trying to set boundaries with a narcissist and it keeps turning into an argument, you’re not doing it wrong — you’re just dealing with someone who treats your boundary like a debate.

In this episode, I’m breaking down why explaining yourself often makes things worse with toxic people, how over-explaining becomes emotional ammunition, and what to say instead so your boundary is short, clear, and unshakable.

You’ll learn how to stop trying to be understood by someone committed to misunderstanding you — and start protecting your peace in a way that actually works.

Your Next Step in Healing If you’re ready to stop over-explaining, hold the line without guilt, and build boundaries that actually stick, coaching is where we do this together in real life — with real scripts, real support, and real nervous system safety.

✨ 3-Month Coaching Container Focused support to stabilize your nervous system, strengthen boundaries, and begin rebuilding peace and self-trust. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

✨ 6-Month Coaching Container Extended support to deepen the work, practice boundaries in real life, and integrate new patterns with consistency. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/

✨ 12-Month Coaching Container Long-term mentorship and steady support while you rebuild your identity, raise your standards, and create a life that finally feels like yours. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/

Additional Support & Resources ✨ Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free): https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250 ✨ Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts: https://christyjade.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/ ✨ Empowered Boundaries Course: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/ ✨ Free Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

Contact fiercemamac@gmail.com

Coming Up Next More tools for high-conflict communication, protecting your peace, and staying grounded when toxic people push back.

 

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:00):

Where did I go? I can't see myself. All right, there we go. Hello people, Queens, hope you are doing very well and we're getting into the new year now. It's kind of a crazy place out here in the United States. I'll put a pin on that one and we'll talk about the narcissists of the world. All right, we're going to talk about boundaries today. All right. So if you keep trying to explain your boundary in the perfect way, hoping they'll finally get it, this episode is your wake up call because with a narcissist, more explanation doesn't create more understanding. It actually creates more ammunition. So today I will break down why explaining yourself actually backfires and exactly what to say instead.

(00:54) Welcome to your Thursday Thrive In Five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to. Take a breath queen. This one's for you. All right. So welcome back to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery. I'm Christie Jade. And today we're going to talk about one of the biggest traps women fall into when they're trying to set boundaries with a narcissist. Explaining, overexplaining, clarifying, defending, and oh, the favorite justifying. So basically giving the full TED Talk to someone who already ... He's decided, she or he has decided to misunderstand you. So why explaining yourself actually makes it work? Worse. So what most women believe, if I can just say it the right way, they'll respect it. But with a narcissist, boundaries are not treated like information. They're almost treated like a challenge. So when you explain, they don't hear, "Oh, she's communicating.

(02:09) How lovely." No. They hear, "Oh, good. Time for a negotiation," and they love a good negotiation, don't they? Or even worse, they may think, "Oh, good. A list of the exact emotional buttons to push for this specific individual." You're kind of giving yourself away. So the difference between healthy people and narcissists with a healthy person, an explanation leads to understanding. Clarity leads to connection. A boundary leads to adjusting things in the relationship, right? But with a narcissist, the explanation leads to a debate. Have you had that one happen? Yeah, me too. Clarity leads to them finding loopholes and a boundary leads to punishment. They don't like boundaries, right? So they are going to do what a narcissist loves to do, which is punish anybody who goes against what they want 100%, which when you set a boundary, that's you saying, "I'm not going to just throw myself at everything you tell me to do your way or the highway," and they don't like that.

(03:28) So if you've been feeling like, no matter what I say, it turns into a fight, you're not failing, right? It's not you. You're just using healthy communication to what? An unsafe person.

(03:43) So you are trying to do it the right way. Setting healthy boundaries with a healthy person leads to healthy results. But when you are trying to set healthy boundaries with an unhealthy person, an unsafe person, you don't have those same results, unfortunately. So here are the boundary phrases that can shut it down. So when you're dealing with a narcissist or someone who's toxic, your boundary has to be short, calm, and closed. Okay? So here's three scripts you can use right away. One, that doesn't work for me. No extra details, no defense, no overexplaining, no justifying. That doesn't work for me. It's closed. The end is closed. Doesn't work. We don't need to go in all the nitty-gritty of why and how. Okay? Number two, I'm not available for that. Not rude, not emotional, just final. I'm not available for that. You don't have to say it's seething.

(04:50) You don't have to have a bite to it. I know we like to do that because we're so angry sometimes, right? Don't take the bait. They love a good reaction. I'm not available for that. And number three, this is one of my favorite, personal favorites. I've made my decision. This one is like queen energy, prayer, right? I've made my decision. There's no wiggle room in this. You don't say that. I'm just saying this is so you know this is your truth. This is something you're stating and it's just a fact. You have made your decision and you're owning that power. And if they push, you repeat that same sentence again. I just had this conversation with one of my clients last week. She said, "Well, I said this. " And he kept pushing. I said, "You repeat it. You repeat it again?" And then you get out.

(05:44) I mean, if you're on the phone, they were on the phone. So let's say you're saying, "I've made my decision." And he says, "Well, but I really want another chance. And what if we, can we just meet up for just hear me out for five minutes? I've made my decision." Blah, blah. After that, after the second one, I'm out. You want to give it a third for whatever reason you can, don't do more than three. I'd say two, and then you're out and say, "I need to go now." That's it. It's not rude. They're being rude by pushing your boundaries when you're trying to set boundaries. So repetition can be the actual boundary. So what not to say, even though if it's tempting, and this is the part that can keep you trapped in this cycle with boundary pushers. I'm just trying to help you understand, trying to understand your boundary.

(06:40) These are grown people. They get it. They don't want to get it. You just have to repeat it. Or I feel like you're misunderstanding me because guess what? We hate to be misunderstood. If I could jump through the screen or your little earbuds, that'd be creepy and give you just a hug because this part, man, I can still feel that feeling of just so not wanting to be misunderstood, like the trigger of that, that visceral response when you have been affected by a narcissist in such a deep way that being misunderstood is like this fear that can play out in other parts of your life, but especially with this narcissist, let's say you're co-parenting or it's your parent, and this is someone who has already pushed that sensitive spot over and over again, maybe created it in you, right?

(07:36) That being misunderstood feeling sucks. So I get it. And we try to help them understand us because we can't stand to be looked at how they say they're viewing us, made out to be the bad person, made out to be a person who doesn't care or isn't ... They'll flip it almost like because you're setting a boundary, you're cold and hard and you're not flexible and you're not willing to do this, right? They'll mind F you. So you feel like you need to explain, "Well, no, it's not that. I just write no explaining anymore." And this is a transition, right? This is why we do the one-on-one work to not just get the coaching with me, but also the somatic healing that starts from the body. And that's where you can actually really feel those shifts where it will become comfortable organically through those somatic healing work where you get to feel okay saying nothing, not having to explain yourself, right?

(08:41) Not having to say the next one is, "Let me explain just one more time. Let me explain." No, you're going to get real comfortable with not having to explain shit, okay? So that's the doorway back to chaos. The overexplaining, they know they have you then. That's what they want. They want the control. And when you explain yourself, you justify yourself, you beg for them to just hear you out, to understand you. That is all exactly what they want and it shows that you have lost power and you're a queen, so we're going to get our power back. So the secret, boundaries aren't about convincing. There's no convincing. You're just setting them. What they do with that is up to them, right? Boundaries are not this presentation. They're a position. And the moment you stop trying to be understood by someone committed to misunderstanding you, they're committed to it.

(09:42) They are. And they're not really ... It's a very complex thing, and we go into that more in my one-on-one work, but they're committed to at least putting a front of misunderstanding you, even if they do understand you. They're fabulous at that. But you get your power back then when you stop trying to be understood. So if you are setting boundaries with a narcissist, explaining invites negotiation, and then the negotiation invites the manipulation, which you know they do. And short and final, those little examples I gave you, that is what protects your peace, and that's the goal here. Boundaries are for your protection and for your peace. So next time you feel the urge to write the paragraph on email or text, say this instead. "That doesn't work for me. I'm not available for that or I've made my decision and breathe and it feels powerful.

(10:53) It's very empowering. And the more you do it, the more natural it feels and mixed with the somatic healing, girl, girl, you're on fire. This girl is on fire. "Remember that one? All right. So if you do want help setting boundaries without guilt, without the spiraling, without getting pulled back into the fight, you have options. I have Empowered Boundaries course, which is awesome. That's self-paced. If you want something self-paced, it is 10 videos. They drip out once a week for you and you have them for life. Or if you want to do that customized healing journey that is longer, very transformational. And we have a Zoom call once a week that's one-on-one with yours truly. And that's where you get to say," I'm in this specific situation. Obviously I'm teaching how to set boundaries, and we're also doing the somatic work on top of it.

(11:55) "So it is double the fun, double the power. So that's always in my show notes, the ways to work with me, including the boundaries course. There is a freebie boundaries pocket guide. If you haven't got that, that's in there. And then my three, six, and 12 month options for working one-on-one with me. That's like, you want the pow-pow boo-dow journey of healing. You know what I mean? All right. So check the links in the show notes and I will help you hold the line and keep the peace with your boundaries, right?

(12:36) That's about it. Anything else? I'm trying to think. I have no major updates. Oh, I did start acupuncture. I mentioned that last week that I was going to do it, I believe, right? It was the night before. Yeah. So I did that. First of all, crazy results. My feminine life every month is absolutely horrendous. It's been like that kind of my whole life. And then I went through a leap procedure, my pre-cancer cells, my cervix. This is so fun and TMI, by the way. Queen's talk. But I'm so impressed with what happened. So I got acupuncture.

(13:18) She was just kind of rebalancing my stuff. I don't think there was a specific thing for the monthly, though she knew about it. I'm going to ask her tomorrow I'm going back. But though my period was still not light, I'll say that. I'm trying to be a little not gross about this. The cramps were almost nonexistent. And I'm telling you guys, if you knew the pain I go through every month, that's insane. I was waiting, waiting. I'm like, "What's happening? "Because it was getting heavier and heavier. And I'm like, " Where's the pain? "Because usually as it gets heavier, it gets worse and worse, the pain, right? It was crazy to the point I wasn't even taking my Tylenol. I can't take Advil, which sucks. I wasn't taking my Tylenol. I slept through the night. Usually I have to set an alarm in the middle of the night for two, three nights to help with the pain even overnight, because I'll wake up in pain.

(14:19) That's how bad it is. And I didn't have to take it overnight. In the morning, once there was a slight cramp, it was crazy. So I don't know what freaking magic happened in only one session. I wasn't expecting it. It's not even like placebo, which that would take a lot of placebo effect to not feel the cramps I feel, but I wasn't even expecting that at all because it was more of just like a balance. And they say it takes multiple sessions to improve your period, but she didn't even mention working on my period. So I think just the rebalance, something happened and that's it. So that's the update on acupuncture. If you've ever done it, let me know. You can even email me. I always have my email in the show notes, fearsmamase@gmail. You can write me your experience, good or bad. I'd love to hear it.

(15:23) And what else? These boundaries, they're your weapon. They're your weapon and they are how to get your power back and you deserve that. So if you have any questions ever, email me, please join my Facebook group. I know I have some people waiting in there I have to approve. I go through and look at every single person's to make sure it's safe for everyone. So sometimes there's a little delay. I'm sorry if you applied to get in there or submitted your thing and it's not approved yet. I was a very busy lady this weekend. We had a little holiday weekend and happy MLK day, by the way. And so I was not working this weekend and Monday because it was a long weekend and I just have not been in there. It's been a busy time. So I will try to approve those tomorrow. But if you are not in that group, go check it out.

(16:18) It's a private Facebook group, women like you, and chat it up in there. Chat it on up with your fellow ladies. Let me make sure. Oh my gosh. Can you imagine if this wasn't recording? Okay. I just looked at my screen. By the way, if you don't know, I'm also on YouTube. So that's why I say looking at the screen, this is recorded video. You can see all the fun behind me. My husband's weird movie. What are they? Movie posters. I think there's some Star Wars back there. Got little my daughter's little stuffed animal, squish mellow looking thing. All the fun. And my pink, fuzzy microphone. And I don't have a stitch of makeup on today, which I rarely get on camera like this, but oh well. Oh, I got my hair done this weekend, actually. Look at that. I got it chopped off. I cut it right below my shoulder and it's a little darker for the winter.

(17:20) But yeah, I have no makeup on. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I love makeup. Do you guys love makeup? I love it. I don't like to think I need it. I mean, we all could use it sometimes. It helps me a little bit, but I just like it. It's fun. I like a little color in my face too. I'm pasty. I'm a pasty queen. All right. Well, now that I'm rambling, I guess it's time to go. That's my cue. But I hope you all have a beautiful day. Let's end with some I am affirmations. All right. Inhale through the nose and exhale, hand to heart or wherever. Repeat after me. I am great at creating boundaries. I no longer take the bait because I'm a queen. Yes, queen. Yes. I love it. All right. I will see you in Thursday's episode. We will do a little somatic short thrive in five.

(18:30) That's Thursday. So as always, Tuesdays are the longer episodes. Thursdays are the shorter little bites of somatic healing or whatever. Some little fun that match up with Tuesday's theme, and I will catch you in the next episode. Love you.

I am not feeling too hot so reposting an oldie but goodie! Hope you enjoy it!

Episode Description (Show Notes):

You left… but you still feel hooked. You blocked them… but you still think about them. You know they were toxic… so why does part of you miss them?

Welcome to the trauma bond.

In this episode, Christy breaks down: What a trauma bond really is Why you feel addicted to someone who hurt you

The exact steps to finally unhook and come back to YOU

If you’ve ever felt confused, ashamed, or obsessed after narcissistic abuse—this is your wake-up call (and your soft place to land). 💕

Free Gift: The Boundaries Pocket Guide

Want to stop second-guessing yourself and finally set boundaries that stick without the guilt spiral? Download Christy’s free Boundaries Pocket Guide — designed to help you reclaim your peace and protect your power after narcissistic abuse. Grab it here → https://christyjade.kit.com/ce79ea9250

Ready to Go Deeper in Your Healing?

Whether you’re newly out or years into recovery, support changes everything. Here are 3 powerful ways to work with Christy:

Reclaiming You: 1:1 Clarity & Intake Session This 90-minute session is for the woman who’s serious about healing and wants to explore working together in a deeper way. It’s not designed as a one-off quick fix—but rather a powerful first step for those considering the monthly or 3-month coaching containers. If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure which path to take next, this session is for you. Book here: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/

1-Month Private Coaching Container Includes weekly coaching, somatic tools, and in-between support to help you regulate, reset, and start rebuilding trust with yourself. Apply here: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/

3-Month Transformational Coaching Package This is the most supportive and spacious container I offer. We’ll dive deep into emotional healing, nervous system support, boundary work, and personal empowerment so you can rise fully in your peace and power. Learn more: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

 Related Episodes You’ll Love:

Still Attached to the Narcissist? This Deep Cord Cutting Practice Can Help https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/still-attached-to-the-narcissist-this-deep-cord/id1662241353?i=1000708306120

Thrive in 5: Still Energetically Tied to the Narcissist? Cut the Cord With This Quick Practice https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/still-energetically-tied-to-the-narcissist-cut-the/id1662241353?i=1000706789155

Stay Connected:

email: fiercemamac@gmail.com

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https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:00):

So you block them, you want no contact, whatever it is, they're toxic. So why does part of you still miss them or just obsess over them? Why do you feel guilty or worse even tempted to go back? I've been getting some messages lately with listeners who really are trying to stay away and out of the life and not take the bait, but it is hard for them. So let's go into it. If you've ever felt like you're addicted to the narcissist, this episode is for you. We're talking about the trauma bond, what it is, why it's so hard to break, and how to finally unhook and come back to you because you're the queen, right?

(00:46) Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice, and had to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck, and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there. And let's cue your royal glow up.

(01:44) Hello, beautiful soul. Welcome back to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Podcast where we were clean that peace, protect our power, and rebuild self-trust after narcissistic abuse. I'm Christy Jade, and today we are going deep into something most survivors wrestle with. I'd probably say all of them, even after they leave it is the trauma bond. That soul tie feeling, the obsessive loop that goes round and round in your mind, that craving for someone you know is harmful. And we can get shame about this, right? Kick that shit to the curb. We don't have time for your shame. Alright? So you're not crazy. You are trauma bonded and we're going to talk about it. So what is a trauma bond? It is a psychological and physiological attachment. These are real things, okay? Science that forms through repeated cycles of abuse and the intermittent reinforcement. So basically they hurt you.

(02:49) They love bomb you, so you feel relief, right? Then what do they do? They pull away again. It's like, yo-yo, right? And your nervous system actually does become addicted to this cycle. The ups and downs, it becomes attached to it. It's the cycle. It's familiar, and you want that relief, right? Even after they hurt you, you're waiting, okay, well, I'm just holding onto that high. So kind of like a slot machine. You don't really know what you're going to get each day. You keep pulling the lever, hoping this time they're going to love you, right? They're going to treat you right? You're going to change them. Maybe this is all stuff I've heard about in my own life, of course, and then heard from you guys and working with clients. So the more unpredictable the behavior, the stronger bond.

(03:48) That's why narcissists are masters at trauma bonding you so signs that you're still hooked even after going no contact or low contact. These trauma bonds can still linger. So here's some signs to know if you are still bonded, you miss them more than you want to admit. You might keep it on the dl. You fantasize them about them changing. Maybe even after you are broken up completely could be after you're divorced, these things happen, right? You doubt yourself or feel guilty for leaving. You have those moments. Maybe it's not all the time you feel anxious, empty or depressed without them. And again, this can be one or all of these. You don't have to necessarily feel all of these, but these are different versions. You minimize what they did. Oh, it wasn't that bad, right? Or look, we had good times though, right? That's minimizing the bad too.

(04:51) Or you feel pulled to contact them even when you know it's basically self-sabotage. You still have that pull. This isn't weakness. And I know we can feel weak when we're in this, I get it, but it's a physiological, psychological and emotional loop. And until you interrupt it, it's going to keep looping. So why is it so hard to break? We're going to break down why you're still hooked. Even when your logical mind, you know that guy, there's like on the left shoulder, his logic says run. There is brain chemistry involved in this. So take a sigh of relief, maybe hug yourself. Like, Hey, this is actually a real condition in my brain.

(05:39) So give yourself grace, please. So each high you got after a discard or mistreatment abuse, the hoover, the love bomb. That's the cycle. Discard Hoover love bomb released dopamine. You literally became chemically addicted to those tiny hits of validation and relief. And it's a cycle of knowing, oh, well, you know the pattern. You've been around this person long enough to know what the pattern is. So that can look like, oh, there's this abuse. I know what comes after it. That dopamine hit, it's going to feel better after. So I'm going to stick around for that dopamine. Okay?

(06:26) Also, you attach during crisis. So that's another reason you are hooked, right? So you brain bonded during trauma. This is a primal survival strategy. Primal. It says stay close to danger so you can control it. And this is a big one in my past. Predict it. You feel like, okay, at least I know I can predict what's going to happen. Spoiler, you cannot control it, but your brain keeps trying. It wants to, which makes sense. And then there's the low self-worth equals an easier hook. So another reason it's hard to break when someone makes you feel like only they can love you the way they love you. Or maybe you're not worthy of love, right? These abusers often will make you feel like shit, knock you down, crush any confidence you have so they can have control over you and hook you more, right? It can tap into your childhood wounds, unmet needs you had, whether it was childhood are grown and fears, just even based on fears that you can lower your self-worth. They become your source of value. Really, you're dependent on them in those dopamine hits and those love bombs to feel valuable. So when they pull away, you panic because your sense of self, which is not from this point on, that's not going to be our sense of self anymore. We're going to do this work, but because that sense of self is tied to them. So how do you break free? That's all Great. Christie, how do you break free?

(08:13) Let's flip the script here, Rick. Rick, here's how you start cutting the cord for real. First, label it as trauma bond. Naming it really out loud. Say it out loud. I'm a big advocate of saying shit out loud. Name it. This is trauma bond. It is not love. It is not a soulmate. It is a trauma bond. Say it. This is a trauma bond. Go ahead, queen. And then we're going to rename it from love toon. So that is going to reframe it in your mind and you might have to repeat that. You can repeat as much as you want. Put it on a beautiful old sticky note on your mirror. Number two, here we are my favorite going no contact. I know it's not as easy as it is for some as others, and some situations are hard to do. Do that in obviously co-parenting littles, but as limited as possible.

(09:17) Okay? So that's blocking on socials. Even if you just check their page or you're not following them necessarily, no, every exposure is another dopamine hit. Okay? Think about it. I want you to suck that up. Why do you check their socials? It's actually a dopamine hit. It's reinforcing your cycle of what the shitty shit and the dopamine hit. We want to get rid of the cycle. Cold Turkey is hard, but it is clean. We love a good clean break and it works faster than the slow trying to pull away from that dopamine ripping off the bandaid. And by the way, if you need help doing this and support, that's what I'm here for. So check out the ways to work with me in my show notes always there and my emails there. If you have any questions about what I think you need, you can always email me too.

(10:14) Alright. Number three, flood your nervous system with safety. We can't think our way out of this. This is a body thing. This is where the somatic work comes in. And I do somatic work with most of my clients. We need to feel safe in our bodies. That's where all of the somatic energy healing comes. So this, and it's like, oh, somatic. We're not going to get crazy going into somatic healing today. I'm going to give you a few examples of what you can do. Getting a walk in nature, grounding with your bare feet. Yes, go hippie on me. Okay, orienting practice. I think I've talked about this one, but you're looking around, you're naming what you see often. I will tell myself, prompt myself, okay, find four aqua things in the room. Aqua is a little harder than red, right? So I like a little challenge or find four different patterns.

(11:10) Find what are two smells I can smell? What are three sounds? I can hear the birds chirping, right? The air filter that's blowing the TV two rooms away. It makes you present. Breath work, even cold water. I don't mess with cold water. I don't care. I don't care how much work I need. I'm never doing the cold water plunge. Okay? But you do, you boo boo. So you calm your body, you clear your mind. And yes, those might be momentary, but hey, they all add up. If you want to do deeper work, hit me up. Number four, rewire the belief that you need them. Let's say it for the people in the back, in the way, way back, rewire the belief that you need them. Start affirming. Have you heard of affirmations? Yeah. Love shouldn't hurt.

(12:04) And maybe save this episode or write these down. You can repeat 'em. Love shouldn't hurt. I don't chase chaos. I choose peace. And this one, okay, I was taught conditioned that this was love. It is not. And I get to learn a new way, the real way, by the way. So you're not just detoxing from them. I'm going to repeat this. I really feel this in my heart that you need to hear it. You're not just detoxing from them. You're detoxing from the belief that love equals pain. Okay? You're so used to that. It was just part of the bargain, part of the deal. No, no ma'am.

(13:04) So detox from that belief, and you can keep those affirmations so you don't really miss them. I know it feels like that. You miss the illusion, the validation, the love bombing, the dopamine, the feeling special when they would put you in those moments. And the good news is you can give yourself everything you were chasing in them. Do you know that? Work with me, queen. You're going to be a confident as queen. Upgrade. We're upgrading our confidence here. If this episode hit home, go share it. Is there someone else who could use this that that's feeling hooked? Okay, save it. Let's normalize this part of the healing journey, because shame has no seat at our table or our throne, whatever you want to call it. If you want more help unwinding trauma from your nervous system, let's grab your intake call and start our journey.

(14:11) The intake call, it's about an hour and a half, an hour to an hour and a half, depending how far we go in your story. It's really me getting a background. We usually have time to do a little somatic exercise together, and then that sets you up and sets me up with the information so that we can start our really deep work together, like lasting work. And I say that because Somatic Healing was a life changer for me. I did therapy for years. I love therapy. I love all the shit, but the somatic healing, and I do both. We do a little therapy, but we also, we really focus on feeling better and safe in the body too, right? Because the body remembers everything. That's where it sits. That's where we upset. Stomach, stress, shoulders, all these symptoms that we get can be so related to our nervous system being so jacked up from all the years of dealing with this crap, right?

(15:18) Yeah. We work on the brain stuff too, the mind stuff. How to deal with the narcs in your life if you're still involved with them at all that. But we do both so that you can have a complete healing and really a healing that not just the foundation, but then afterwards you actually get to thrive, right? You're getting this, I almost picture it like a, what's it? A vault? You've run what? Jump on that vault and then you're limitless. You might feel like that's not even attainable right now. So I won't go too deep into that. I know it can feel far away, but I'm telling you, I've been there. I have gone through a lot of shit in my life and I am an amazing peace bubble in my life. I'm unshakeable. I know my truth. I don't take the bait of any freaking narcissist anymore.

(16:16) I have way more confidence and self-trust. Even more important than confidence is my self trust. You can get there. If I can get there, you can get there. Okay? So if you're interested in doing this work, one-on-one links are in the show notes or email me. Alright? Felt some passion up in here, but you are not alone. You're not broken. You're finally freeing yourself, right? This was a trauma bond and we're taking the scissors and we're cutting them, by the way. Ooh. I also want you to go in the show notes. There's also an energetic cord cutting episode I have. I think I actually have two of 'em. There's a longer one and a Thrive in five. If you don't know, I do thrive in fives on Thursdays. They're five minutes around. Five minutes. I'm chatty. So maybe 10 somatic healing exercises every single Thursday to get that hands-on ship. Okay? So I'll put those two episodes in the show notes as well. All right, see you in the next step. Love you. Bye.

Highly sensitive people don’t heal by pushing harder, thinking more positively, or forcing themselves to “move on.” If you’ve done the therapy, gained the insight, and understand what happened — but your body still feels tense, on edge, or exhausted — this episode explains why.

In this episode, we talk about why traditional healing advice often fails highly sensitive people, what healing actually means for a sensitive nervous system, and how safety — not mindset — is the missing piece. You’ll learn why insight alone isn’t enough, how your body responds differently than your mind, and what real, sustainable healing looks like when you stop overriding yourself.

This episode is especially for you if you’ve ever thought, “I know better… so why do I still feel like this?”

Your Next Step in Healing

If you’re highly sensitive and want support learning how to heal without pushing, forcing, or abandoning yourself, this is exactly the work I do with my clients.

✨ 3-Month Coaching Container Focused support to stabilize your nervous system, strengthen boundaries, and begin rebuilding peace and self-trust. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

✨ 6-Month Coaching Container Extended support to deepen the work, practice boundaries in real life, and integrate new patterns with consistency. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

• Free Facebook Community: 00:00):

Hello, queens. It's Christie. If you are a highly sensitive person like myself and you've done all the things, the therapy, the journaling, understanding, even that alone, we're good at that, aren't we? But your body still feels tense on edge. You get the visceral reactions and you get the mind spins, right? This episode is for you. Yay. So stay tuned here. Welcome to your Thursday Thrive In Five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to. Take a breath queen. This one's for you. But highly sensitive people, they don't get better by pushing harder. They heal by learning how to feel safe in their bodies, our bodies, because I'm one of them. And when this happens, and that's why I'm so into somatic healing, but when it happens from the body, that is when the transformations truly take place.

(01:09) So welcome back to the podcast. If you are a follower of mine, I think I've told this story how I did acupuncture years ago. I'll tell it again, just in case. But I did acupunctures in my 20s. I am now 45, yes, as many, probably about 20 years ago, almost exactly. And I did it once. I was so excited to do it too. And I had a not great reaction.

(01:38) I have been told since then I should have just stuck with it to move it through. But I was like, "Hell no." Because I got a fever and my mono resurfaced from the year before, who gets mono as a 20 ... Oh, I was 28 and then it came back at 29. So that's how old I was. So 28 to 29. So I was 29 and mono crept back into my life. That was just crazy. But I guess people say, "Oh, they went too fast or whatever." I don't know. I was like, "F that, never want to do it again." But I have heard so many amazing things and you know I'm such a big proponent of healing through the body and my body reacts so well. I do feel like some people are more in tune to body healing. I don't know if it's openness or, I don't know, physiology or what, but I know I react very well to yoga, to somatic healing, to breathwork, to all the energy body healings.

(02:41) So it keeps flashing in me. You know you get nudges. So I've been getting the acupuncture nudge. Well, I got one months and months ago and I wrote to this local lady who has a good reputation and she was like, "Oh, I'm going to be out on leave, baby leave." So I was like, man, she was like, "Oh, this other person can do it. " And I was like, "Nope." Because when I get a nudge, I get specific nudges and it was toward her. I was like, "Nope, I don't want anyone else." So I just went la-da-da-da-da. And then the other day I got another nudge and was like, "Oh, I should see if she's back." And she's been back and there's also a sail and I was like, "Okay, God's going ding, ding-dong, get your needle on. " So needless to say, or needles to say, sorry, I had to, that was so bad.

(03:37) I'm going to try acupuncture again tomorrow, pray for me. And for multiple things, there's so many things I could use it for. Just like nervous system regulation, but also my nerves will go to my stomach, so I can have very sensitive stomach, especially in high stress seasons of life. And I'm going through a remodel. So there we are. That's where we are with that one. And also TMI, but I'm an overshare. My monthly mayhem, I call it, my monthly period is pretty much torture. It's been for a very long time and we're going to give this a go and see if it helps because I can't take certain things or whatever. So I've heard it can help tremendously, so we're going to try it for a few things. And I have seasonal allergies and stuff. So if you have ever had acupuncture, I'd love you to come in the Facebook group and you can even message me in there or just post about it.

(04:42) I'd love to hear your experience with it. All right. Now for the stuff that affects you in your life. Okay. So why does traditional healing advice fail oftentimes for highly sensitive people? First, most healing advice is very mind-based, right? Think positive, reframe the story, affirmations. Forgive. Move on. Understand your patterns. And here's the thing. Highly sensitive people are usually excellent at insight, right? You already understand what happened or you're learning it, right? A lot of times on the narcissistic podcasts and YouTube videos we're learning and light bulb clicks, you understand. You know why it affected you. You learned that. These are the first stages of after you've come through the other side of abuse and you might recognize the patterns. If understanding alone though, healed trauma, we'd all be done, right? We're like, "Oh yeah, okay, that makes sense. Now I can move on. " Wonderful.

(05:56) Well, for especially, especially for ... I mean, it's hard enough with narcissistic situations, but especially for highly sensitive people, it doesn't usually work out that simply, right? So if you've ever thought, "Why do I still feel like this when I know better?" That is such a common thing that I have clients say to me weekly, I would say. There's one client at least a week that's like, "But I know better." Or like, "I know this in my mind, but why do I still feel it? " They're not syncing up. Nothing is wrong with you. You're not broken. Your nervous system just has not caught up to that insight, to what you know. You know it on a brain level, but your body is not there yet in catching up with that. So what does healing then actually mean for us highly sensitive people? It doesn't mean becoming numb or like bypassing or becoming detached or unaffected or drinking a whiskey.

(06:59) Okay? I mean, you can, but it's not going to help. You're not here to get tougher or grow thicker skin. You may have people in your life in the past that have told you, "Oh, stop being so sunset of. Oh, tough it up." I got a lot to say about that. And you're not here to stop feeling deeply because it is a beautiful thing about you. So healing means this. You still heal, feel all these heels and feels you still feel, but your body no longer lives in defense mode. So you stop being overwhelmed with your own sensitivity, right? You're like learning to navigate that. You stop feeling hijacked by other people's emotions. I know you know about that life and you stop living on edge waiting for the next emotional hit.

(07:58) Sensitivity is not the problem. Unsafety is that feeling of unsafe that can come with the sensitivity that arises, right? So what is the real block that not everybody talks about, except yours truly? Here's what I see all the time with my clients, highly sensitive women. You heal mentally long before you heal physically, right? So you might know you're safe, but you don't feel safe. You might have left the relationship, you're completely out, hopefully, but your body doesn't really embody that. It didn't get the memo clear in full yet, right? You've done therapy maybe, but you're still braced. You're still feeling the things that you're trying to get over or not feel or undo the damage, as some people say, right? Your shoulders can be tight, jaw clench, like I said, my stomach, so fun. And the nervous system as a whole is scanning for danger even in calm moments, even though you're out of maybe your daily mess that you were in.

(09:20) I know we have to still deal with them, but often your body still is in this survival mode that it was in when it was actually in more danger and it's because your body doesn't respond to logic, it responds to safety. Until your nervous system feels safe, healing stays incomplete no matter how much insight you have, no matter how many affirmations ... And I'm a big proponent of all that stuff. I think together there's a beautiful toolbox of joy that can help us heal, right? But this somatic healing is so, so important for people like us. So how do we truly, truly heal regulation before reflection? So when the calm ... I can't talk. I didn't go to bed till like one in the morning last night, y'all. All right, let me try again. We calm the nervous system first, not after. Okay? Safety before processing.

(10:30) So no deep emotional work while your body is feeling threatened. So that's why when I do my work with clients, you'll often hear me ask, "Where are we at today?" One client this week, I was like, "I don't think we're going to be doing the somatic work today. Let's just do some coaching." Maybe at the end we'll have a wind down, nice luxury moment, but we're not going to do that deeper work right now because of where she was mentally. So it's my job to judge that and I'm trauma informed, so I get to evaluate before proceeding with the work. So sometimes we'll talk more, sometimes we'll do more somatic healing, little mix of both. So that's really important in the process. And then gentle consistency over intensity. So either small daily practices, which are very small. I actually, one of my clients this week asked, "So should I be doing like this at home?" And I was like, "No." You can be doing little small meditations, you can do some breath work, but the somatic healing at this stage when you're first working with me, you're not able to evaluate in the way I am.

(11:56) And it's good to have a third party there on the outside, especially when you are in those earlier phases where you're more raw. So definitely consistency, like in between sessions, gentle consistency. Not intense, not let's do this. I want to do it three times myself this week. No, ma'am, that's not going to end well. Okay? You have to be safe and permission to slow down. Healing actually accelerates when the pressure is removed. When you don't feel like, "Oh my God, I got to do this. I got to get through this. This is going too slow." I have a lot of clients coming to me. It's like, "It's so slow." And part of that is because you're putting a pressure on yourself for it to go fast. When you release that pressure, you find it will organically go faster. Oh, amazing. And you're not behind, right?

(12:52) You're not doing it wrong and your pace is not the problem. Forcing yourself is that can actually hinder it. So we've talked about orienting. We'll do this little simple somatic practice, something you can do right now, simple, not too deep, just to have a little centering, right? If it feels okay, gently just look around the room you're in and let your eyes land on three things that feel neutral or pleasant. So I'm going to do mine. My eyes always go to the damn flamingo and I'm going to look. I see leopard print. I love leopard print and my daughter's cowboy hat that makes me laugh. So that's an example. You look at three things, no analyzing, no fixing, just noticing.

(14:00) And as you do that, let your breath slow naturally. This is called orienting and it's very simple, right? And what it tells your nervous system is, I'm here, I'm safe, the danger is passed. So if you are in a spin out mode, this is a great thing to try to pull yourself out. I like to do this, to do this, to initiate just becoming present. And then I like to get up, get my shoes on, walk out of the house. And just even if I'm walking around just the cul-de-sac or if I can take a longer walk, getting out in nature, removing yourself, right? When you're stuck in a cycle, it's become present.

(14:55) Do a little curtsy little, a little twirl, whatever makes you feel happy inside. But even just doing the orienting practice where you are, if you got to get back to work or something, if you work from home and you're having a moment, orient, find the three things. Don't think too hard. You're just kind of observing. Take some breaths and get back to what you need to do. So for highly sensitive people, healing happens when your body believes that message, right? The danger's passed. I'm safe. So it's almost like we're proving it by slowing things down, by looking at items, and you're looking around, right? That's part of the orienting is looking at your surroundings. It's showing there's nothing unsafe here. You can look every angle. You can whip that head around, girl. Check it out. Nothing dangerous.

(15:58) Unless, unless you don't like leopard print, right? So your mind gets to see it. There's some proof. There's some present proof. Now, healing without overwhelm. So here's something you do need to hear. You do not have to relive everything to heal it. That is something some people, I don't want to say will go against, but some people really want to dig to every little nook and cranny. You don't have to do that to heal it. And this is proven within somatic healing. You don't have to reopen every wound. You don't have to push yourself past your capacity. It's not a race to heal.

(16:53) And we heal better with softness, not force. So you're allowed to choose ease. It might be uncomfortable, you're not used to it. Get comfy with it. Choosing gentleness and you don't have to prove how strong you are or how far you've come. Those milestones will come, but don't force them. Okay? So healing doesn't make you less sensitive. It makes your sensitivity feel like a gift instead of a burden. Again, you are not broken, you were never broken. Your nervous system adapted brilliantly to what you live through. And now you get to teach it that life doesn't have to hurt anymore, that you are safe.

(17:48) Okay? So if you want support, learning how to heal without overriding yourself, check the show notes for the next steps, whether it's the Boundaries Pocket Guide or working with me one-on-one. I have three different programs you can choose from and they are transformative, amazing, like I said, somatic and coaching together. And it's just my favorite thing in the world. So of course, I'm going to brag about it and tell you to sign up, woman. All right. So if this episode resonated, you're not alone. There's a bunch of us out there and join my Facebook community again so we can have some chatsies in there and yeah, try to engage in there, talk to each other. Feel free to make posts in there or post quotes. I love a good quote. Put a quote up there. I will approve it. And don't forget to follow my podcast if you're not following it.

(18:48) So you get every single stinking podcast episode. Guys, this is not a one and done. This is ongoing, amazing work. This healing is actually ... There's just so much good in this type of somatic healing and these episodes. I give a lot of information on purpose. I know maybe not everyone can do one-on-one work, right? So following these really, really will help you. Every episode has something juicy to take home. Okay? So I will see you in the next one. Love you. Bye.

Have you ever wondered why some people don’t just irritate you — they completely dysregulate you?

In this episode, we explore why highly sensitive people are more deeply affected by emotionally unpredictable or manipulative personalities, and why this has nothing to do with being weak or “too much.” If you’ve been healing from narcissistic or emotional abuse and still find yourself over-explaining, self-blaming, or staying longer than you should, this episode connects the dots with compassion and clarity.

This conversation is about understanding patterns — not judging yourself — so you can finally stop managing other people’s emotions and start protecting your nervous system.

Your Next Step in Healing

If this episode hit close to home and you’re realizing this pattern has repeated — and you’re tired of trying to figure it out alone — you don’t have to.

I work 1:1 with women healing from narcissistic and emotional abuse who are ready to feel calmer, clearer, and more grounded in their relationships and decisions.

✨ 3-Month Coaching Container Focused support to stabilize your nervous system, strengthen boundaries, and begin rebuilding peace and self-trust. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

✨ 6-Month Coaching Container Extended support to deepen the work, practice boundaries in real life, and integrate new patterns with consistency. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/

✨ 12-Month Coaching Container Long-term mentorship and steady support while you rebuild your life at a grounded, sustainable pace. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/

Additional Support & Resources

Join the Free Facebook Community https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

Empowered Boundaries Course https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free) Learn how to set and hold boundaries without spiraling into guilt or over-explaining. https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts https://christyjade.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/

 

📩 Questions or support: 00:00):

Queens, if you are highly sensitive, there is a reason certain people don't just annoy you. They completely dysregulate you. And it's not because you're weak or dramatic or overreacting. It's because your nervous system notices things others were trained to ignore. It's actually a gift. Love it. I've got the gift. Do you? Stay tuned. Welcome to your Thursday Thrive In Five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to. Take a breath queen. This one's for you. All right. So tonight's episode is a continuation of Tuesdays, and there will be one more on next week's Tuesday episode, and then we'll get back to a Thrive in Five on Thursday. But I also just wanted to say hello. I was thinking in this new year, I might share a little more about just myself, even my journey, and just even some of my day-to-day stuff, because I want to feel a little more connected to my audience.

(01:14) And I'd love you to hop over into my Facebook group. If you didn't know, I have a private Facebook group, and it is for all women, and it's private. And I ask questions to make sure no shady people coming in there, except myself. Just kidding. And yeah, but I just want to share more and be a little more engaged on a personal level. So a couple things I have going on to share with you. Number one, I finished my manuscript. I am going to be writing a narcissistic abuse recovery book. I am so excited. Well, I wrote it. Currently, I am going through one more pass and then my editor will be starting to do the developmental editing on it starting in March. And then from there, I'm still working on if I want to self-publish or traditional publish, my gut is saying traditional publishing, and I've got a couple calls lined up to talk with people about that.

(02:17) It's really exciting stuff. This is one of my dreams. I always wrote. This is like we're having a biography. Don't worry, we'll get to the good stuff too, but this is good stuff, right? You know a little more about me? Maybe I can learn a little more about you. So when I was young, I loved, loved to write. I wrote poetry because what? Highly sensitive. Poetry stories. I have written a few novels.

(02:46) I've published poetry book out there. So I've always been in the writing realm. And this is now my baby book because it's like my purpose work mixed with just this dream I had to complete a book that I felt safe sharing with the world and that would help people. So I am so excited. I can't talk about the title or anything yet, obviously, until I'm promoting it. But I am so grateful for you guys to be supporting me through listening to this podcast. It has kept me going, kept me motivated. All of your emails and just even seeing how many listens and though my podcast has grown to top 1.5% in the world makes me feel like it's all worth ... This is heavy stuff to talk about, right? And it's not easy having your own business and starting from zero and building. It's a process, but I've always been called to help women.

(03:57) And then more recently with this abuse stuff, right? And trying to make it not fun, because abuse is never fun, but making it so you know that it doesn't have to define the rest of your life and that you can create a new version and grow and you're not damaged forever and make it as light as we possibly can. Yeah, we went through the hard stuff. So guess what? We're going to make up for some lost time and we go and get sparkly. So anyway, that's a little rant about my book. I also change, so I will be ... Unless there's some little exception somewhere, if you really need it, you can message me. But I am doing either three months, six month, or 12 month containers. I am so excited to do a year longer container. Sorry, it's like coach talk, but that just means ... I was like, oh my gosh, I'm not recording.

(05:03) That would've been awful. It just means the amount of time, right? Like the program. So I have three programs. There's three month, six month, and 12 month. So I'm so excited about that. That will always be in my show notes too. And if you really just want to get a feel for things, but you really do want to commit, we can do a one hour session and then it'll be time to pick if you want three, six or 12 month program. So anyway, I am in love with my one-on-one sessions. We do coaching and we do somatic healing that is, if you don't know, healing from the body through the body, it is mind blowing work. You can click and read more about it in my show notes. So those are two big things. I won't go on and on, which I already did because that's me, right?

(05:56) Now you know who I am. I'm a blubber. I'm a blabberist queen, but I'm so excited for this new year. I just have ... It was a hard year for me. This past year, my father passed away. Oh, this is supposed to be uplifting and I feel the lump in my throat. And that's tough, as many of you know, when you lose a parent. So it's been a tough year for me. I'm always silver lining and keep going and I'll always be that way, but this is one of the hardest years of my life.

(06:32) So we're ready for 2026. Let's get into this episode for these highly sensitive people who are about to cry on her pink furry microphone. All right. So part one of this, we're kind of to talk about the sensitivity, unpredictability, and how that equals dysregulation. A lot of highly sensitive people, we get dysregulated more easily than other people. So we're built for depth, connection, and consistency. Okay? So when you're around people like narcissists who are very hot and cold, or maybe bipolar, manic depress, people who are up and down so much, emotionally inconsistent or intentionally manipulative, the body goes on alert and it's not because you're fragile, it's because this unpredictability feels very unsafe in your system, right? I mean, I think as it should. I love predictability. Can anyone say, "What? Do we get a what? " We love predictability. You like a good plan.

(07:37) So going to part two, why you took it so personally, right? This is where a lot of the highly sensitive people get stuck. We talk about a lot of stuckness with narcissistic abuse. And many of us who have gone through abuse are highly sensitive. There is a correlation and that we'll get to that reason, but you didn't just notice the inconsistency. You tried to fix it because we're usually empaths and fixers and maybe people pleasers. You overexplained, you self-reflected, right? You might turn it on yourself. I did that a lot like, "Well, maybe I caused this, " which by the way, just so you know, and I'm so used to this, it sounds crazy that I have to say this, but I remember being on the side of not realizing how crazy this is, but you can't force someone to abuse you. It's the choice they make and you don't cause it.

(08:39) No one makes someone abusive. They are abusive and you're a victim of it, okay? So just remember that. Play that back if you have to. But wondering, what did we do wrong? What did I do wrong? Because you were taught that harmony was your responsibility. And it could be from your childhood where you kind of play that role of the one, the peacekeeper or trying not to, maybe there was one person, two people, all the people, if you're lucky, in your family that were toxic, very intense in the not good way. You ended up somehow being that person who would try to walk on the eggshells and just try to create as much peace or calm or predictability as you could, which is a lot to carry around on your shoulders. So this is especially common for people who have experienced narcissistic or emotional abuse.

(09:45) Like I said, could be childhood. It could be you had a great childhood and somehow you ended up with a master manipulator, a narcissist who conditioned you to act differently than you typically did.That's common. That's the thing that happens too. Many people though who end up in abusive situations, I'm not saying everybody, no blanket statements here, but did grow up either in an abusive situation or being dismissed or being manipulated or a very toxic family dynamic where you were comfortable with that. That's why you ended up in that relationship. That is not always, but that's a very common thing. From my own experience, from my client's experience, most of my clients did have some sort of toxic relationship dynamic, whether it was a parent, a sibling, even a grandma who lived with them, right? So it could look all different and fun ways. So part three, here is the gentle truth, and this is the confronting part.

(10:56) Okay? Highly sensitive people don't attract unhealthy dynamics because you're sensitive. We are sensitive, right?

(11:09) We stay or we stay longer because we're empathetic, self-aware and hopeful. I just met up with one of my guy friends recently and he was trying to understand the whole abuse thing. And in his mind, he couldn't understand to start with how anyone would tolerate being mistreated like that, right? Because some people, there's just no tolerance for it. So a lot of us, it's not just like only empathetic people, but we're empathetic, we're hopeful. It's like a mix of characteristics that make us stay and make us stay longer, like I said, right? And certain personalities or disorders, they feed off that. It's like, yes, they're staying. Now I know who my warm audience is. Do you know the cold and warm? Warm is like, oh, they're already warmed up and they're easier quote, pray. But it doesn't make you naive or weak. This makes you human, does make you maybe empathetic, highly sensitive if you are relating to any of this, but this is not a bad thing.

(12:34) And I don't want you to view this as a bad characteristic. It's a beautiful part of us and I would not have it any other way. I would not want to be not as sensitive as I am, not as empathetic as I am. It has served me so well in my life too. Yes, it's gotten me hurt 20 times over by multiple people, I'll be honest, but it has really served me in so many beautiful ways and so many beautiful connections. And even in this, right? I'm able to do this work and help people because of that part of me and this job is amazing, right?

(13:22) So let's toot our own horns, okay? Go highly sensitive people. So what actually changes the pattern? The shift isn't becoming colder, right? You don't want to say, "Okay, well now I'm going to throw a wall up." And this might happen naturally when you have left a narcissist. I'll be honest, after my narcissist situation, disconnection, I'll be honest, I went a little extreme to the other side and that can absolutely be part of the process. And I do find that with many, not all, but many of my clients, some do not build a wall and they might even get burned again and they get help and the help helps and they learn how to protect themselves without being cold and hardened and jaded, which for a little bit I was a little cold. I'll say that. I got a little chilly, a little chilly in here.

(14:18) So it's becoming clearer and more embedded in your truth.That's a really important thing because if you don't know your truth, you can't create boundaries for yourself. And boundaries, remember, are not really for other people, they're for yourself. And that's something important. I have a boundaries course. It is amazing. And yes, I am tooting my own horn all over the place tonight, which is not something I normally do, but I am very, very adamant about people setting boundaries. And if you don't know how this is a reasonably priced course that you get 10 videos, they're dripped once a week for 10 weeks. Everything from evaluating your truth, I call it the hell yeses and hell nos, of your life to evaluate what you need to set boundaries with. And then we go into all the hows of boundary setting, the conversations, what to do if you set a boundary and someone comes back, all the boundary stuff for yourself and how to also navigate it by if you do have to have conversations and set them in that way, right?

(15:34) Because some are for yourself that you're doing, you don't even have to tell anybody, right? So that boundaries course is always linked in my show notes. So when you stop managing other people's emotions, you start protecting your nervous system. I love it. And that's when everything changes. So if you're realizing this pattern has repeated and you're tired of all the analyzing and doing it alone, this is where my one-on-one coaching comes in. I do three, six months now because narcissistic abuse, though you can definitely heal, it's not like an overnight take a pill, right? But that being said, three months goes by quick and we do amazing work in three months. And I have had clients stay with me a year. I never had a year program, but they just kept signing on for three months and three months and three months. And their transitions, their transformations, I mean, are just out of this world, just like themselves.

(16:46) But with all the glitter, all the confidence, so many changes, like changing careers, starting their own businesses, entering amazing relationships with healthy people, feeling like they're actually an amazing role model for their kids when they used to feel shame and guilt that they had stayed in something. It's just endless the benefits of doing coaching mixed with the somatic healing.

(17:14) It's the best. I just love it. When I get off of every call, I literally sometimes get a lump in my throat. I'm like, "This work is so amazing." Especially when we do the somatic stuff, it's so powerful, so powerful. Okay, so you know where my links are. Show notes. Everyone say it with me, show notes. And so in the next episode, that will be Tuesday, we're going to talk about how highly sensitive people actually heal, how boundaries become regulating instead of terrifying. Because look, for highly sensitive people, oh, it's terrifying, right? It's terrifying. That is the only word we can use for it sometimes because the unpredictability of what's going to come back and if you're with someone obviously, which we'd love you to get out of that relationship, but if you're still with someone who is not treating you well, or if you're outside of it, but you still have these traits, it's going to continue in your relationships or with friends or whatever, we can't be terrified of boundaries anymore.

(18:28) To live a full life that's authentically you, that's the thing. You have to find that truth. Like I said, evaluating your truth, the hells and knows of your life. So you can say, "What boundaries do I even need and how am I going to set these boundaries?" You might feel lost, overwhelmed, almost like guilt if you do set a boundary. That's why the program I have really talks about that and how you can do it in a way where you are not saying, "You need to not do this anymore exactly." It's more like what I'm going to do. And that's a much better feeling for us, highly sensitive people, isn't it? I'm going to do this. It's not telling someone how to live their life. It's more like, I mean, let me think of a simple example.

(19:21) Someone yelling at me all the time, okay? Let's say that. Let's say that happened. What do I say that you're yelling and you can jush it up. As I've gotten older, I don't have time for the softy sandwich as my BFF calls it. I don't have time for that anymore. So that's where I'm like, I'm a little more direct. So you can always take my words and soften them up and I can help you soften them if you need to in our one-on-one. But I just, in my life, I don't really do that anymore, but I'll just ... So you could say, I would say directly probably, "Look, I'm not going to be talked to like that. So just so you know, if you do choose to be yelling at me like that, I am going to walk out. I am going to leave. I'm going to whatever." You're saying what you are going to do.

(20:13) You're not controlling them.

(20:16) And then you could soften that up and you could do the sandwiches, right? You got the soft bread on each side. So you got like, "I've really, really enjoyed spending time with you. We have so much fun together, but there's times when you're raising your voice and it makes me feel on edge and I don't love that feeling." So the next time that happens for my own body and whatever, mental, whatever you want to call it without sounding dramatic or something. For my own vibe, I'm going to have to take a break and leave or whatever, hang up the phone, I'm going to have to do X, Y, Z. And then you can put that soft bun on the other side, soft buns. What kind of podcast is this? And you can say, "But really, I would love for that not to happen because I really would like to continue this friendship with you, " or whatever it is.

(21:17) Me, I'm like, "You mistreat me ." Okay. All right. So where were we? We were talking about ... Oh yeah, I was saying how terrifying it is and sensitivity can actually become your strength again, right? So we'll talk about that in the next episode and yeah, I guess that's it. Let me see. How long was this mamma jamma? Oh, it doesn't say. So I'm so excited. I just got back y'all from karaoke. So if you don't know, we have a little bit of a musical family and my husband actually sings, and I want to hear about all of your hobbies in my Facebook group, but my husband sings and plays a bunch of different instruments. I sing. I say that lightly because, I mean, I don't know. I wish I had a better voice, but people say I'm a singer. My husband says I'm a singer.

(22:22) He said, "That did really good tonight." I did karaoke. I did Shania Twain. Anyone know that song?

(22:29) Better walk the line. Squeeze. Anyway, and my daughter, she was elite singer in a band. She's 11 now, but when she was like nine and 10, and now she's doing musical theater. And my friend texted me, I was like, "Oh my God, they have karaoke at this place that we go to. " She's like, "Come over." So we were eating dinner. I was like, "You want to go karaoke?" And I said, oh, she said, "Have Kora sing." And I was like, "Do you want to sing? I mean, she got to go to bed." But I was like, "What a cool mom would I be if I just spontaneously was like, all right, dinner's over. Let's go sing." So I was like, "This'll be a fun memory." So we finished up the dishes and she got dressed and we went, we took over the karaoke. There's only one other person who sang before we got there and then it was us because it was like the first night they were doing it.

(23:31) So Kora sang four songs. I sang one. My husband, who actually has been in bands, pretended he was shy. He is shy in real life. He's very shy, but he said he don't like karaoke. He likes being in his band with his familiar and like having practiced a song. So he was too uncomfortable to do one. I was uncomfortable too, but I did it. I even shimmy shaked around a little bit, a little hip action, little head wobble.

(24:02) So that was fun. And can we say US citizens of the world, not to get political, but it's really crazy out there no matter what side you're on. Again, I don't want to get political on this podcast, but our country I feel like is just so crazy right now. There's just a lot. So it was nice to escape to karaoke, but I feel like I feel bad for people who can't escape in that way, right? There's just a lot going on. It's kind of horrifying. And I know other countries are looking in and maybe horrified as well. So I know that's like a little off topic and I really don't like to go there, but I just have to be real. You guys know me. I'm very real. And it's a hard time for a lot of people. No matter what side of the political coin you're on, what race you are, what gender you are, and some have it way worse than others, but it's just a hard time.

(25:14) So I would like to throw out some prayers. I am a God woman, so I want to throw out some prayers just for our country. And if you guys are God people, whoever's out there as God person or a woo-woo universe person, please say some prayers just for our country and our world as a whole, right? Why not throw the whole world in there?

(25:40) And try to focus too on what we do have. There's a lot of hardship, but there's a lot of love and a lot of peacemakers and helpers. They always say what when there's a crisis? Is it crisis? I don't know that, but there's that quote, I'm going to misquote it. If there's a crisis, look for the helpers, like trying to always see the light in the dark. So I'm big on that, but sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's hard. So, and I know with our heavy stuff we talk about, sometimes it's hard too. So if you're in a dark situation, which I know a lot of you are, you're not alone, come join us in the Facebook group and yeah, hear more about your highly sensitive ass in our next episode. Okay? All right. I love you guys. We're in this together. Put your deuces up, smooches, deuces.

(26:39) See you the next time.

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling completely drained — replaying what was said, questioning yourself, or wondering why certain people affect you so deeply?

In this episode, we explore the difference between being highly sensitive and being chronically exhausted from emotional unpredictability. If you’ve been healing from narcissistic or emotional abuse and still wonder why your body reacts so strongly in certain relationships, this episode offers clarity, relief, and a nervous-system-based explanation that finally makes sense.

This isn’t about being “too sensitive.” It’s about understanding how your body adapted — and what it actually needs to heal.

Your Next Step in Healing

If this episode explains you — and you’re realizing you’ve been trying to heal through willpower instead of safety and support — you don’t have to do this alone.

I work 1:1 with women healing from narcissistic and emotional abuse who feel deeply, think deeply, and are ready to feel grounded, clear, and safe in their own bodies again.

✨ 3-Month Coaching Container Focused support to stabilize your nervous system, strengthen boundaries, and begin rebuilding peace and self-trust. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

✨ 6-Month Coaching Container Extended support to deepen the work, practice boundaries in real life, and integrate new patterns with consistency. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/

✨ 12-Month Coaching Container Long-term mentorship and steady support while you rebuild your life at a grounded, sustainable pace. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/

Additional Support & Resources

Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free) Learn how to set and hold boundaries without spiraling into guilt or over-explaining. https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts https://christyjade.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/

Empowered Boundaries Course https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

Join the Free Facebook Community https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

📩 Questions or support: 00:00):

If you are here because you have been healing from narcissistic abuse or emotional abuse, I want you to know this episode is still for you. This isn't me changing direction. It's me adding some context because so many people who were deep or are deeply affected by toxic relationships of any kind are also highly sensitive. Lucky us, we get to be a good old target. So no one really explains why that matters. So we're going to talk about a little bit of this, a little bit of that today. Welcome to your Thursday Thrive In Five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to. Take a breath queen, this one's for you.

(00:52) Okay. So if you've ever wondered why certain people leave you completely drained, why you replay conversations in your head, why you feel things so deep, and maybe you've been told you're too sensitive, or why healing felt kind of linear, this episode might finally explain some of that to you. And more importantly, it might help you stop blaming yourself. I hear a lot of clients with a lot of shame and blame, and we're here to kick that to the curb. Okay. So are you highly sensitive or just attuned? So let's talk about what being highly sensitive actually means. Without the labels or the quizzes, highly sensitive people are not weak. They are deeply perceptive. So your nervous system picks up on the tone shifts in a conversation on emotional undercuts, right? Unspoken things, unspoken tension, and you pick up on inconsistencies. So you don't just hear words, you actually feel energy.

(02:01) So someone could be saying one thing and you're feeling another. So you could sense, maybe you sense lying or deception. So you can be highly sensitive, but also a people pleaser. So that can be a mix of where you may even feel something's off, but you have been told you're too sensitive or you think too much or you're too analytical. So you kind of second guess yourself when you do actually get these kind of intuitive hits. So like I said, you don't just hear the words, you feel the energy. You're just an energy queen. That's all. It's great. So in safe environments, this is actually a gift. So yay, but not all environments are safe as we know. So in an unsafe or emotionally unpredictable environment, that same sensitivity can become very exhausting. So why do some people affect you so much? Here's the part not everyone explains in the narc world, right?

(03:08) But your sensitivity didn't cause this harm. So yes, in a way, we can attract a certain somebody by being seen as someone who is empathetic and has a bleeding heart or whatever. But don't let go of it. Okay? We want to keep that. It's still okay to have, but it actually magnifies the impact. So it doesn't cause the harm, it magnifies the impact. If you grew up around control, a controlling person, maybe a parent, maybe a sibling, emotional volatility, people who made you doubt yourself or you weren't good enough feeling, your nervous system learned to stay alert. So when someone is inconsistent, emotionally manipulative, dismissive, we know that one probably a little too well, or hot and cold, right? Maybe they will be all about you and even controlling, monitoring where you're going. They want to know where you are, they're like that. And then they will punish you with the silent treatment.

(04:20) And I say punish because that's what it is. Even though you don't deserve a punishment, they will punish you if you ... Anything. It's a narcissist, right? So especially in a narcissistic situation, they're going to punish you no matter what in their abuse cycle. So part of that punishment sometimes can look like, yes, the screaming, the yelling, the violence, it can also look like silent treatment. So there's a lot of hot and cold and your body doesn't see that as just a personality. It experiences it as a threat, right? Which makes sense. It's not drama, it's biology. Your body's like, "This isn't okay." The inconsistency, the up and down. This doesn't seem right. So many highly sensitive people don't realize they were in emotionally manipulative or narcissistic dynamics because they were taught to look inward instead of questioning the environment outward, right? So this is where that people pleaser can come in, right?

(05:26) You learn to ask, "What's wrong with me? " Instead of, "Why doesn't this feel safe?" I want you to sit with that. Okay? You learn to ask, "What's wrong with me? " Instead of, "Why doesn't this feel safe?" So that habit alone can keep you stuck, right? If you're constantly just, you've been conditioned to go, "What did I do? It must be me.

(06:00) " Going inward. Okay. So why isn't willpower the answer here? This is why the whole just set boundaries or just stop caring doesn't really work. You know I'm the boundary queen. I love good boundaries, but it doesn't always work. With highly sensitive people, it's not about being like the tough exterior boundary and it's not yapping at that person. It's not going outward, right? You do need to set boundaries for yourself, but you need support, safety, and regulation. So healing doesn't have to be about fixing yourself. It's about teaching your nervous system that it is safe to relax again. Teaching your nervous system, yourself, you're out of this situation, hopefully if you're still in it, let's help you out of there. But if you're on the other side, like most of my clients, on the other side, either on the verge of getting out, getting out, or you've been out, but you're still stuck in many ways, it's teaching your nervous system to go, "I'm safe.

(07:18) I'm safe. I'm safe out of the situation or I'm going to be safe very soon. Hopefully you're in a safe space. If not, always read my show notes for the phone numbers for a resource." We're going to dip into this. I'm going to do a couple more episodes around this topic just because a lot of you have been asking just, I've heard many questions like, "Why did this happen? Why am I like this? Or why did they pick me? " All of these questions, which it's great to question, but there's a difference in asking a question, asking a question, feeling like you're the problem and you're the reason why, right? And like you're at fault.

(08:09) That's what we want to kind of undo and help you understand so you can let go of that guilt or feeling like this is your fault. And if you had just done X, Y, Z, this wouldn't have happened. Okay? We're not going to blame or shame ourselves anymore. Shine your crowns, little ladies. Okay? So if this episode explains you and you're realizing you've been trying to heal through willpower instead of support, because you do need that support and you want to do the somatic deeper work that is mind blowing, you don't have to do it alone. Here I am, Christie Jade, we can do one-on-one work. And this is for women who feel deeply, think deeply and are ready to feel safe in their own bodies again. So if that resonates, I'll always have the link in the description, in the notes, the show notes, they're called in my podcast show notes.

(09:08) For every episode, it has my options for working with me one-on-one. I have three different programs and starting this new year out, empowered, ready for your next chapter, your next book queen. Okay? Let's just do the whole, throw the whole thing away. Start over. No. There's beautiful parts of us from the past. I don't want anyone to feel like you are damaged, that you are ruined. I've heard this stuff from my clients and it breaks my heart. I'm telling you, I've been where you are and I have a freaking amazing, thriving, joyful, peaceful ... Can I say peaceful in capital letters? Because who knew I could have peace at some point in my life? Life, right? I did a lot of work to get here and I have learned so many tools. I have so many certifications and all, especially the somatic healing is my baby.

(10:07) I do the coaching, yes. I do the Reiki or whatever you want. I got it all in my little magic toolbox, but somatic healing is the thing that truly, truly transformed me. And it's just amazing work. I cannot suggest it enough. Obviously, I'm here. I would love to help you. I do have limited spots, but just going through this transformation where you build confidence, self-trust again, and just getting that sparkle back. And I know it sounds like, okay, I get the sparkle back. It's so vague, but I think you guys know. I think you guys know what a narcissistic relationship does to your sparkle, how it dulls you, how sometimes you don't recognize yourself anymore.

(11:02) It changes you, but that doesn't mean you can't find her again, or maybe you never fully knew her because you had a narcissistic parent who told her since you can remember she's in there. You can have peace and joy. So I would love to help you get that in your life. So if you ... Again, the link is always in the show notes and in the next episode, we're going to talk about why highly sensitive people are more impacted by certain personalities. And what finally changes when you stop trying to manage yourself and start protecting your nervous system because sensitivity is not the problem being unsupported is, right? We need a little support, doesn't everybody? But highly sensitive people, we can need a little more. And that's not a bad thing. It's a beautiful thing. So if this resonated, take a breath, let it land, and I will meet you in the next episode.

(12:07) I'm not going to do my thrive in fives until, let's see, next Thursday, because I'm going to do this little mini series. So I'm going to do this little mini series, which will be today, Thursday, and next Tuesday. And the following Thursday will be a thrive in five to kind of seal this series up, zip it on up, and then we'll continue with another topic. All right? So have a fabulous day. You are looking amazing and I hope feeling amazing, because you are amazing. Let's end with it. We haven't done I ams, little affirmations. Let's do a few of those to close out. Let's inhale through our nose and exhale, inhale through the nose and exhale and repeat after me. I am perceptive. I am intuitive because I'm a queen. God, I love that last one. All right. I will see you in the next episode.

(13:22) Love y'all.

If the new year feels confusing, quiet, or emotionally heavy after narcissistic abuse, this episode explains why — and what it actually means.

After narcissistic abuse, healing isn’t about becoming a “new you.” It’s about shedding the survival identity you were forced into and reclaiming a self-led identity rooted in safety, peace, and self-trust.

I offer longer-term 1:1 coaching containers designed to help you stabilize your nervous system, rebuild self-trust, and reclaim your peace in a grounded, sustainable way — especially during emotionally charged seasons.

✨ 3-Month Coaching Container Focused support to stabilize your nervous system, strengthen boundaries, and begin rebuilding peace and self-trust. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

✨ 6-Month Coaching Container Extended support to deepen the work, practice boundaries in real life, and integrate new patterns with consistency. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/

✨ 12-Month Coaching Container Long-term mentorship and steady support while you rebuild your life at a grounded, sustainable pace. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/

Additional Support & Resources

• Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free) Learn how to set and hold boundaries without spiraling into guilt or over-explaining. https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

• Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts https://christyjade.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/

• Empowered Boundaries Course https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

• Join the Free Facebook Community https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

Questions or support: 00:00):

Oh, we are coming up on the New York Queens. It is almost 2026. And if the new year feels strange to you, a little out of the ordinary, maybe you're not rushing into your goals or your vision boards. I love a good vision board, by the way. If you feel quieter like you want to be not so peopley, it's not because you're stuck. It's because the version of you that survived narcissistic abuse is no longer who you are becoming. Today, we're going to talk about identity after narcissistic abuse and who you are when you're no longer being controlled, manipulated, or emotionally hijacked by somebody else.

(00:49) Welcome to your Thursday Thrive In Five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to. Take a breath queen. This one's for you. Let's start here. This part really, really matters. The identity you had to become to survive. Okay? When you are in a narcissistic relationship, you don't have any kind where you are being controlled. You don't just lose time and energy. You lose access to yourself. I call it the solid brick. We're born this beautiful golden brick that has all these amazing things. That's us. That's our authentic self. And as we grow, and this could be in childhood, if it's also society and other people's shoulds and whatever, we've got all this dirt and stuff just covering that shiny, beautiful gold brick. If you are in a toxic or narcissistic relationship, it's basically a bunch of bullshit all over you, right?

(02:00) Until you come onto the other side, grab hands with Christie Jade and we pull you out, wipe you off, shine you up, get your crown back. But you are losing access to that self, that golden version of you. So you may have had glimpses of it. You could have never really known it fully because it was lost also in childhood. You could have had parents and then toxic relationships after you were out of your house, what other situation is. But you become the version of you who stays alert, the version who anticipates others' moods. You know the eggshell walking on them. Yeah. The version who explains, well, over explains, softens, edits what you say adjusts or the version who survives by being easy. The people pleasing can come in there. And here's the truth no one really says out loud, but yours truly will because you know I'm a truth speaker.

(03:05) Women don't leave a narcissist and step into freedom. They leave and they bring the survival identity with them. Okay?

(03:20) That freedom is not something you just walk into immediately. So if you're thinking, why don't I know what I want? Not necessarily just relationship wise and different aspects of life. Why do I still feel on edge? Why doesn't the new year feel exciting? It's because your nervous system has not caught up to the fact that you are safe now. So why does the new year feel weird after narcissistic abuse? The new year brings space. It's a new space and the space can feel terrifying when chaos was familiar. I just had this talk with one of my clients today. You are so familiar with chaos. It's not saying you want it. It's not saying, "Oh, I desire chaos or I thrive off drama or whatever." It's just, especially if you've been going through something like this for years, it can really be terrifying when you now have space, openness, which is the opposite of chaos.

(04:36) You can be scared to even shut your thoughts off because it's too damn quiet in your head. We don't know what to do with that, right?

(04:48) I'm saying we, because I've been there. You know I have been there and I'm on the other side and it's so nice to be able to shut my brain off. I'm not saying I never have little moments, but from what it was to now is insane in a good way. So you're not being pulled anymore. You're not reacting the way you used to. You're not performing. I'm not saying you never do. There's little bits of this we may still have trickles of, but in general, on this like twenty four seven under the thumb of a narcissist, you are always analyzing, waiting, worrying, eggshelling and performing, putting on a facade and being controlled and told what to do, not to do, worried of making the wrong moves, all of that. So instead of excitement, you feel maybe flat, maybe confused, unmotivated, or maybe oddly emotional, different emotions.

(05:50) It doesn't have to just be one specific emotion of anger or sadness. It could be sadness. It could be emotional exhaustion. Again, one of my clients today was talking about that. That's a common thing. After you've gone through such a big transition outside the narcissistic abuse recovery, you're now here, you're already in this other space and now it's a new year. It's a lot. It's a lot to process to take in, even though it seems like it should be exciting and freeing and just a huge amount of relief. Two things can be true at once. There can be relief and there can be pretty much terror, discomfort at the very least. So all of that is not failure on your part. It's what we call identity grief. So you are grieving the woman who held everything together. Sometimes we can take pride in that. The woman who was strong because she had to be.

(06:59) Can we all clap for that one? I know you're familiar with that. And that's why this could be its own whole episode about how we can feel so strong and then so weak at the same time and coming out of something being like, "I thought I was so strong and like, damn, how was I so weak? I stayed in that. " It's very mind blowing, right? But you're grieving that. You're grieving the version of you who knew her role, even if it was killing her, you knew your role. It was specific. So let me say this clearly. If the new year feels quiet, it doesn't mean you're lost. It means you're just no longer being controlled. And this is obviously a great thing, but it doesn't mean it's going to feel a hundred percent great right away. You're going to have mixed emotions. So this new identity is not new you, itself led you.

(08:11) So this is where people can get it wrong. You don't need this major glow up. You don't need a personality overhaul. You don't need a brand new shiny label, though I love shiny things. You need to stop living reactively.

(08:31) The narcissist trained you what? Respond, defend, explain, actually overexplain once again, and earn your peace. Your new identity is self-led. It's not narc reactive anymore. And that's great. That's the good news is it's great, but you've got to get used to this. So that looks like you deciding instead of explaining. So this is putting almost a pressure on you now. You have to decide and make all your own decisions, which can sound amazing and freeing, but it's also maybe uncomfortable or maybe just paralyzing because you don't know exactly what to say, what to do, what you want. What do you want? Maybe you don't even know that after all you've been through. It looks like choosing instead of justifying.

(09:38) God, I don't miss having to justify all the time. It means listening to your body instead of overriding it. How many of you have all of these feelings inside and you have to ignore them and you have to white knuckle through? You have to get through the moments. You have to, you have to, you have to. Your body is screaming, "I had to. " Right? And we're letting go of that. It's a lot to let go of. And it's also letting calm be normal, not suspicious. This is big. Okay? I'm going to say it again. Letting calm be normal, not suspicious because guess what? In healthy relationships, calm, peace, it's normal. Feels normal. It feels good. Feels like love. Calm in a toxic relationship is like, oh shit, something's wrong or something's coming. There's no calm. There's no true calm. It's just the calm before the storm in a toxic narcissistic relationship.

(10:56) Okay. And this one, maybe write this one on down.

(11:04) Your new identity doesn't need to be proven. It needs to be protected. We need to protect her. She's in there already. We're finding her. We're not really creating. I love to say creating because it's empowering to me to say that way, but we're really kind of re-igniting her. She's in there. Might not recognize her. She might be buried under some boo shit, but she's there. But it doesn't need to be proven to anyone. We have this compulsion to prove. We're going to get rid of that compulsion. I'm working on that with several clients right now. The compulsion to prove ourselves, the compulsion to be liked, be good enough, the compulsion to seek approval. Working on all those things with my clients in the somatic sense, healing from the body. And it's amazing work, and we need to protect it. So it's kind of like some rewiring and some protection because you're a damn queen and you need to protect it.

(12:20) You are gold. What do we do with gold? We protect it. All right? So here's three identity anchors for the new year for you. Okay? So forget the whole resolution thing. Forget just becoming better. We're going to choose one identity anchor for you instead. Number one, I don't abandon myself anymore. Not for peace, not for approval, not to keep things smooth.

(12:56) I no longer abandon myself anymore. That can be one an anchor. Another one, I decide before I explain. So you don't owe context to people who misuse access to you. You don't know them that. You decide. You don't have to explain shit to nobody. I remember my husband, I was so conditioned my whole life to overexplain myself. And if you know, you know, it is a compulsion. It is hardwired in there, it feels like, but it's not hardwired. I got rid of it. It's beautiful. And my husband turned to me one day and he said, I was explaining it was an RSVP to a party. And I was like, write in a damn paragraph, this compulsive, just like, "Oh God, I got to write all the reasons that overexplaining why I couldn't come to a damn party because I can't come. We don't need to write an essay." And he said, "Why do you feel the need to explain yourself in that detail?" He felt bad for me.

(14:13) He's like, "That's a lot. That's a lot on you. " And I was like, "I never thought about that. I never thought about it. " And I was like, hmm, why do I? Because I've been conditioned to, because of my life and my past. So I stopped doing that. I actually, I love this book. It's called The Best Yes. I will try to remember to link it in the show notes, but if not, it's by Lisa. I can never think of her last name, but it's L-Y-S-A, I believe. But the best yes, I haven't read it in a while, but when I read it, it was really great. It was when I noticed that I was overexplaining and overbooking and just like that people pleasery side of me of trying to be good enough for everybody all the time. And it was a good book.

(15:09) It's the best yes. It's like putting you, your family, and God basically first, but it's a good read. Okay? Anchor number three, peace is my baseline, not something I earn. I think this might be the big mama jama that you might want to cling to. Others are good too. I mean, I write some good shit. What am I going to say? Just kidding. But number three, I know peace is one of, because look, I've done all the market research with you guys. I talked to you guys. I have you fill out things when you get my Facebook group, things you desire. So many people just want peace. I just want peace. That is one of the biggest words. Is this peaceful for me? Is this person ... Do I feel peaceful when I'm around them? Do I leave them feeling at peace? So when I'm making new friends, when I'm deciding on things to do, oh, this party, am I going to feel at peace going?

(16:07) It doesn't mean it has to be calm and like we're all zenned out. I can go party it up and dance and still be at peace or feel peaceful, right? But I know that is a buzzword for my audience. So I think this will probably be one of your favorites to hold onto. Peace is my baseline, not something I earn. So the second part of that is let's stop trying to earn our place, to earn our good enough, to earn our success by doing, doing, doing, being somebody else, doing for other people just because we have to abandon ourself. We said not to do that, right? You don't hustle for calm anymore. We're not going to hustle for calm because how crazy does that sound? Yet so many of us do it.

(17:03) You're hustling to get to what? Our goal really should be peace and calm and joy. For me, that's not hustled. That's not proving myself anxiously awaiting other people's approvals and all of that that we might have done, but we're not now because this is 2026, baby. All right? So you protect it. Again, you've got to protect your peace. I mean, how many times can I say it on this podcast? Peace bubbles up, baby. Put your golden peace bubble up around you. Just imagine it. When someone's coming into your space, just put that bubble up and say, no, you cannot pass go. You cannot collect $200 from my peace bubble. Okay? So pick one of those. I'm a big fan of number three and let it guide your choices this year. Right? You could just use peace as your word. Does this give me peace? And not everything, obviously.

(18:12) Some things like, I mean, does brushing ... Actually, brushing my teeth does bring me peace because then I don't have expensive dental bills, right? But you know what I mean. Okay? So what not to do this January? Quick button port. Don't rush your healing. We are not in a race. We're here for the long haul and that's how you're going to get the results that actually stick. There's no magic pill, but there is magic somatic healing. If you talk to my clients, it is. It's some good stuff. All right? And if you want to sign up, I have three, six and ... Wait, I can't even remember now. Geez, three months, six month, and one year programs. So I will put all of those in the show notes so you can check them out and sign up for which one feels good to you. Obviously, with each package, if you are committing to a longer time, I give you a reward by giving you a little lower price overall because I love committers.

(19:26) I love people who are like, "I'm here for it. I'm here for the transformation." I love it. Okay. So don't recreate the chaos because calm feels unfamiliar. This can be a tough one. Start to feel the need like, "Oh my God, it's too calm. It's too calm." That's good. Remind yourself. That's why where the somatic healing does really come in very, very handy. When you're in this in between, right? When you're like, your body is not caught up with your mind. It's like, "I need chaos. What's happening? It's too quiet in here." So you're either going to do the thoughts or you're going to do just the go, go, go, or the throw yourself into work or the intense workouts or whatever. Don't force motivation. Build your safety first. Okay? So healing after narcissistic abuse isn't about doing more. It's about stopping the patterns that require you to disappear.

(20:30) Okay? Stopping the patterns that require you to disappear. I mean, the authentic you disappears. The real you is here. We want her. We want her back. So before I wrap, not wrap like Eminem rap, but wrap it up, wrap. I want you to do this with me. Put one hand on your heart. Focus on the support under you. Chair, couch, wherever you are, ground. I don't know where you are. You in a bush and quietly say. You can repeat after me. Okay. I am no longer who I had to be. I am choosing who I get to be.

(21:24) Now let your body feel that. Not your mind. I'm choosing who I get to be and I'm releasing this person I had to be. Oh, let her go. Let your shoulders feel that and say like, "That's okay.That's what I'm supposed to feel like. I'm supposed to feel like that. " Okay? So if this episode resonated, here's what I want you to know. You don't rebuild identity alone, right?This is heavy stuff, it's hard stuff, but if you work with me, we can have fun doing it. And I got some tools and tricks up my sleeve if you didn't know. And you can reclaim your sense of self, regulate your nervous system, right? Because your body is screaming probably and stop living in reaction mode. And I have these one-on-one coaching sessions. We do coaching. I help you understand some things about narcissists. If you want to go into that a little bit, some do.

(22:34) Some are kind of past that. Understand things about yourself, why you may have done certain things, why in this situation, any guilt you have. We're releasing all of this stuff, understanding and releasing, understand the narcissist. If you're co-parenting, dealing with that, I am going to coach you on dealing with the co-parent. Or if you do have a mother or a sibling, someone you absolutely feel like you have to have some sort of contact with or you're trying to get out of contact with them, we work on all that stuff. But then the other beautiful part that is missing from a lot of coaching is this somatic healing side that is healing from the body that is missing from so much in the world because our bodies remember, they save, they store everything. You get sick, you get cancer, you get ... And I'm not trying to be all woo-woo and weird, but we know this, right?

(23:28) You know stress causes a lot of stuff in your body and you get to build self-trust and self-confidence again through releasing these old stories through your body, these stories that these conditions, right? You've been conditioned, you've been controlled. You get to release all of this. Okay? So if you're interested in that, like I said, I will put the links in my little description area in whatever podcast you are watching. Go click away, read about it, sign up for one that feels good to you. And if you want a self ... That's that one-on-one huge transformation. If you want a self-paced, lower ticket item, empowered boundaries course is amazing if you really suck at setting boundaries or sticking to boundaries. I'll put it plainly. So that's there. And I have a couple freebies, my Facebook group, women like you up in there. I'm going to be doing more lives this year and there and stuff, maybe some group calls.

(24:34) So make sure to sign up for the Facebook community. It's private, all women, and there's questions to make sure that there's no bots or anybody creepy hanging out in there. Okay? And that's why you have to fill out the questions too, to get in. So everything's in the show notes. You were never broken, baby. You were solid gold. You're still solid gold. That brick is still in there, right? So we just got to sweep all that nasty crap off of you and help you shine again. You get to decide who you are without anyone controlling your life. And that might feel weird. It might feel uncomfortable, but if you keep healing, you keep doing the work, you will get to release that and be ... You will find that joy. I feel like a lot of people feel like, "Oh, I'll never be joyful or how I used to be.

(25:30) " It's not true. So let's cut that shit out.

(25:36) Beauty happens when you believe and when you receive. So we work on all those things in my coaching. So also Thursday, well, it'll be literally New Year's, right? And I will be doing a Thrive In Five quickie if you don't know if you don't follow me. Hello, welcome. We have our regular longer episodes on Tuesdays and our Thrives in Fives, which is a little somatic healing sesh in five minutes or less or sometimes a little longer because I'm chatty if you don't know, but no more than 10 for sure, I don't think, on Thursdays. Okay? So also make sure you're following my podcast so you get the notification that says, "Yo, bitches, I'm back." Of course you want that. So make sure you hit the follow. I am on YouTube now if you like to see people when they talk. I don't know why you'd want to see this, but some people say, "Do video." So I'm doing video on the YouTube.

(26:41) So I will try to put that link. I always forget to put that link in there, but I am on YouTube. It's Christie Jade there too. You can find me even if you just Google it up. And yeah, that's it, I think. Happy new year and not happy new you, but happy finding that amazing golden brick inside of you, bringing that back out. I'm here for it. Are you here for it? You in? All right. Come sign up so we can do some amazing one-on-one work. All right. Smooches and deuces!

Christmas is supposed to feel joyful — but for many women healing from narcissistic abuse, it feels heavy, tense, and emotionally exhausting.

If you notice anxiety creeping in, your body staying on high alert, or old wounds resurfacing at Christmas — even if you’re no longer in the relationship — this episode will help you understand why.

In this Christmas special, we’re breaking down why narcissists often get worse during the holidays, how Christmas activates trauma stored in the nervous system, and what you can do to protect your peace without forcing yourself to feel festive.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why narcissists are especially triggered by Christmas and family-centered events

• How holiday expectations create the perfect environment for manipulation and control

• Why your nervous system reacts before your mind can explain it

• Common ways narcissists sabotage Christmas, both subtly and overtly

• How to create a more regulated, emotionally safe holiday experience

Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free) Learn how to set and hold boundaries without spiraling into guilt or over-explaining. https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

If you’re ready for deeper, supported healing — especially during emotionally charged seasons like the holidays — I offer longer-term 1:1 containers designed to help you stabilize, rebuild, and reclaim your peace over time.

3-Month Container Focused support to stabilize your nervous system, strengthen boundaries, and begin rebuilding peace and self-trust. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

6-Month Container Extended support to deepen the work, practice boundaries in real life, and integrate new patterns with consistency. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/6-month-queens-of-peace-program/

12-Month Container Long-term mentorship and steady support while you rebuild your life at a grounded, sustainable pace. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/12-month-queens-of-peace-program/

Additional Support & Resources

• Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts: https://christyjade.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/

• Empowered Boundaries Course: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/

• Free Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

Questions or support: https://christyjade.podbean.com/e/ep-5-the-grey-rock-method-how-to-disconnect-from-narcissistic-abusers/

 

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:00):

Hello, queens. If you have ever found yourself thinking, why does Christmas feel so heavy? Or why am I on edge when everyone else seems excited? This episode is for you because when you've dealt with a narcissist, Christmas doesn't really feel festive. It feels like pressure, performance, and emotional landmines. So today we're going to talk about why narcissists get worse at Christmas and why your body reacts before your mind even knows what's happening. Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back? Well, you're in the right place, Queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom, and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dried ice, and had a come to Jesus moment to get me here. To feel free, I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck, and find healing methods that actually lasted.

(01:07):

Now, I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun, because I'm sparkly in fun, so of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep that chamomile tea, silence all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up. Okay. So welcome back. I'm Christie Jade. If you are new here, welcome, welcome. This is Narcissistic Abuse Recovery. All the fun things about understanding the narcissist, recovering from the narcissist, starting your new life maybe without the narcissist or how to navigate if you do have to keep in touch with the narcissist, right? But the holidays can be so tricky in all of those ways. So if you're listening to this wall wrapping presents, sitting in your car, hiding in the bathroom, maybe with the chocolate, or trying to hold it together while everyone else is talking about how magical the season is, I want you to know something.

(02:11):

Nothing is wrong with you. If Christmas brings up dread instead of joy, if your chest feels tight, if you feel on edge, emotional or maybe numb and disconnected, this episode is going to help you. All right? So why do narcissists get worse at Christmas? You may have guessed this or felt like they do, but why would they? Let's start there. Christmas is emotionally loaded. A lot of expectations, as we all know, traditions, family pressure, kids making memories, performance, right? There's a lot of performing going on and narcissists thrive in environments like this. Christmas gives them built-in attention, right? Built in guilt, built in control, the big runner of their life, and built in audience. I say this because it's especially true here. The holidays are like a narcissist Super Bowl. Okay? They don't experience Christmas as connection like we do. They experience it as an opportunity.

(03:19):

So this could be an opportunity to control the mood, to play the victim, to be the hero. That's often a big one around holidays. Or quietly sabotage joy without looking like the bad guy. And if kids are involved, which I know a lot of you are co-parenting, Christmas becomes leverage, schedules, gifts, plans, traditions. It's all emotionally charged and it's easy to manipulate. And who's really good at manipulating? Yes, yes. Leonard. So if you ever thought, why is he or she so much worse at Christmas, you're not imagining it. There is a pattern. Okay? This goes also for other holidays and birthdays, especially yours. So you can use some of this stuff also in relation to those. So what are some common ways they ruin Christmas? We're going to name this clearly because clarity is coming for our pretty little nervous systems. So narcissists often ruin Christmas by creating last minute chaos.

(04:31):

You have a plan, you've maybe created that plan with them. They're going to maybe burn it to the ground just because, nothing like a little last Christmas chaos, last minute chaos. Picking fights right before events, right? Right before, maybe it's the kid trade-off. Maybe if you do kind of co-parent and have meals together, I don't know if that's possible with some, even though you're not comfortable, you may do it anyway because you have done some people pleasing in your life. Maybe you do it for the kids. They will pick fights right before or even during these events.

(05:11):

They can ruin it by withholding affection, cooperation or money like they do in a relationship. So if you are still in a relationship with them, or even if you are not, they can use especially the money thing during times where there's gift giving. They can play the victim when boundaries are set, like your boundaries or some awful weapon when it's just protecting you and your peace, maybe your child's peace, and making everything about their feelings or quietly draining the joy with tension, size, passive comments. It depends on what type of narcissist they are. It's not always loud. It can be somewhat subtle sometimes you have to look for it. And that subtlety is what can make you doubt yourself though, right? Those specific type of narcissists. You're like, "Am I being too sensitive? Maybe I'm reading into this. Why can't I just enjoy this? It's Christmas." But your nervous system knows something your mind keeps trying to override.

(06:21):

Your nervous system knows something. Your mind is trying to just kind of dismiss. Okay? So why Christmas triggers you even if you're out?

(06:37):

This is the part I really want you to hear. Christmas doesn't just trigger memories, which you can. It triggers stored survival responses. Your body remembers the walking on eggshells. It remembers managing moods, someone's specific moods. It remembers performing happiness. It remembers trying to keep the peace. It remembers bracing for something to go wrong. I want you to feel that one, okay? You feel that in your nervous system? I know you do. The body remembers that feeling. Bracing for something to go wrong, just waiting on pins and needles for something to go wrong because it always does. Even if the narcissist isn't physically present in your daily life anymore, your nervous system learned Christmas equals vigilance. And here's the grief aspect. There's grief for the family hoped for, the Christmas you wanted, hoped for, the version of joy that never felt safe.

(07:55):

It's like you became comfortable with a joy that was not safe, if that makes sense. And society makes this harder because everyone says, "But it's Christmas," which can make you in turn feel broken or like something's wrong with you or not feeling the same elated joy that others are, but you're not broken. You're responding normally to abnormal experiences. I'll say that again. You're responding normally to abnormal experiences that have taken place. So a quick somatic reset. Let's give your nervous system a moment of safety here. Okay? Wherever you are, just pause. And if you're driving, save this for later. But if you're not and you're in a place you can do this, look around and find one thing your eyes naturally want to rest on. Mine obviously, again, want to rest on a flamingo, because why not? They're so fun and pink and gorgeous and just make me happy.

(09:10):

All right? But don't analyze it. Just notice it.

(09:15):

This gaze. Now name three things you can see. Two things you can physically feel. I've got a little fuzzy blanket next to me, like pay attention to the texture. And then one thing that feels even slightly comforting right now. Okay. Once you've done that, you can slow, slowly breathe in through your nose, long exhale through your mouth. Nothing to fix. Nothing to force. Reminding your body, I am safe in this moment. Okay? And how do you protect your piece this Christmas? It's not about creating the perfect Christmas. Okay? I don't know if any of us really have that. It's about creating a regulated one. So a few things that can actually help. First, lowering your expectations strategically. So not as defeat, but as a protection, right? Not saying, "Oh, all that. " Not making it so heavy, but more like, "You know what? I'm going to try to enjoy myself as much as I can, might not be perfect, and I'm going to place my boundaries up.

(11:04):

I'm going to lower my expectations." Giving permission to have lower expectations, right? Giving permission. It's okay. I'm in a situation where I might not have that elated joy right now. Maybe that'll change in the future, but right now I'm not there. So I'm going to lower my expectations so I actually can have a little more joy. It sounds weird, but that is how it works.

(11:33):

As a protection for yourself. Next, shorten visits and conversations. Gray rock method the heck out of the narcissist if you can. If you don't know what that is, I'll try to remember to put the link in my description box for the Gray Rock Method episode. Create new neutral traditions instead of forcing old ones. Create something new, right? Decide one boundary you will not negotiate with in relation to this and give yourself permission to opt out of something that costs too much energetically for you. Or maybe it's monetary too. All of these things can wreak havoc on our nervous systems. Spending too much money, too much energy on top of dealing with the trauma you may be dealing with. So we don't need to add the layers on. We don't need to perform. We don't need to have the best thing or the most presence for our kids or the matching pajamas.

(12:55):

I mean, if I have them, great. I mean, they're cute, but this is not a need here.

(13:02):

You just need to protect yourself enough to get through it, to get through it. And I do believe the more you do these things and the expectations when you lower and give yourself permission, like, "I'm going to enjoy it in my way," you actually will end up feeling a little more joyful than you may have thought. So your next step, if you're navigating guilt, family pressure, or boundary conversations, I have a free boundaries pocket guide. If you don't have it, it's always in the description box. It's free and it walks you through how to set and hold boundaries without the guilt.

(13:47):

There's also a boundaries course. If you are like, "I really need help with boundaries," majorly I will put that in there. You can click the link, read about it. And of course, if you want transformational, we are not messing around. I cannot do this anymore energy and you're ready to do the work. And I was just talking to a client about this today. I say the work in quotes because yes, there's certain actions you have to take, but a lot of the work when you work with me is the somatic healing, the body healing where it's like you get a break from really overthinking. And I know a lot of you overthink, including myself, people who've gone through narcissistic abuse, we get all sorts of fun in our head. So we go on journeys together. Think of it as it's healing journeys, visualizations, meditations, all different methods, but you are receiving.

(14:57):

Instead of doing, you are receiving and you are healing through your body. And it's just refreshing to have that release rather than working and thinking and writing in the journal and all those things have their place. But somatic healing is just something so amazing that you don't really get exactly until you do it. So I try to explain it the best I can and you can click and look at the description further to see if it's a match for what you need right now. I have three month, six month and one year long programs.

(15:39):

You're going to get transformation no matter what. I actually just now changed. I used to do monthly. I no longer do monthlies because it's just the insane transformation you get at three months, six months to ... It's for something like narcissistic abuse, it's not an overnight fix. Can I do one session and help you? Yeah. Can I do a month? And you'd be like, wow, that was really helpful. Yeah. But I have found the most beneficial for my clients that sweet spot of three months or more is just overwhelmingly transformational. That's the only word I can really use. It's epic, mind-blowing stuff that happens in these sessions, the somatic. And of course, we do coaching and some talk therapy type stuff as well. Depending on where you are in your journey, we may do half a session kind of coaching, the next half hour doing somatic.

(16:54):

It depends on where you are in your journey and also what that week looks like for you. For example, I had a client this week that there was a lot going on with her ex. And so there was a lot of dialogue between them. So it was kind of thinking about, okay, he did this, talking at logistical and what should I do here? So there was a lot of talking and a lot of what do we do moving forward? Sometimes there's legal stuff involved that I will ... I'm not a lawyer. I will never claim to be a lawyer, but I can help in creating questions for your lawyer and just advising, but never without an attorney stamp. But there's all sorts of stuff we can talk about and sometimes it's talkier. But then I have another client this week that she just was so overwhelmed this week and just she's healing.

(17:57):

She's much more empowered, but with that empowerment comes the narcissist can sometimes come up a little harder and you feel more empowered, but it's like, woo, okay, I did that. I'm so excited. I was able to do that and set that boundary and stick with that boundary, but I'd love a release. So we did an epic hour long somatic journey where she was just like, "Oh my gosh, this is better than any therapy I've ever had. This is mind blowing." So every session is going to look different for every person. And even for each person, every session won't be exactly the same. Might be 10 minutes of talk, 40 of somatic, might be 40 of somatic, 10 of talk. So I just want to give you a better idea and you can always email me and ask me if you want to jump on a quick call to get more clarity on what the work we do looks like.

(19:03):

And if you don't know, with the three month and above, which is all my programs that I'm doing right now, they have the bonus of Voxer, which is a walkie-talkie app. You can either leave a voice message. Most my clients just text on it, but in between sessions, you are allowed to text me. And I just got, someone texted just two really big wins they had after our session related to that. So that was cool. And then people will ask questions or, "Hey, I just need a little guidance. What do you think I should do? " Or, "Hey, I just need a little pep talk." Whatever you need between sessions, you get to have that space there. So that's the bonuses. And now that there's no monthly, I didn't have that with monthly. I have that with, it's called the Voxer is the app. I forget if I said that, but I have that with the three month and above.

(20:04):

So whatever program you choose, you're going to get that as a bonus. Like, what? It's the hotness. It's the hot queen level shit. All right. So sorry I blabbed on about that, but I feel like it's hard to convey in just a couple seconds what sessions are like. Maybe I should do an episode just describing what sessions are like. So if someone's interested, they could just listen to that. All right. So if Christmas does feel heavy, it doesn't mean you are failing at healing or you're damaged or broken. It means your body is telling the truth about what it's been through. Remember, our body stores everything and our mind is up here going over here and our body's still storing stuff. And so we're still going to feel it. So be gentle with yourself, okay? Protect your peace. That's like my motto. Protect your peace with your golden peace bubble.

(21:05):

Put it on. Everybody strap it on for the holidays. And remember, you don't owe anyone a performance. You don't have to get sucked into all the things all the people are doing out there. You be you, you listen to your body and what you can and can't do, what capacity you have. Can we really normalize that? We all have different capacities and that's okay.

(21:36):

And some people you see out there that are doing all the things and you're like, "Man, they're Superwoman." You know they're far past their capacity and they're having a damn mental breakdown inside. So everything isn't what it seems either. Okay? I just want to make that really clear. Capacity, it's a thing. We all have different capacities. That's okay. Let's normalize that. It's okay if you don't have the capacity to make ... I don't know. I don't make anything. I don't have the capacity to bake all these. My daughter does. She's the baker in this house. Gosh, all these people baking 50 million cookies and doing all the things, that's their thing. It brings them joy. Good. But the pressure to do all the things around the holidays on top of dealing with what your triggers or if you have to co-parent with a narc, I mean, there's a lot.

(22:35):

Give yourself a break. This is your holiday season too. Do joy your way at your capacity. All right? All right. So Thursday. Oh my gosh. I don't think I'm going to do ... Am I going to do a Thursday show? Is that Christmas Day? It is. Christmas Eve. Am I going to ... Gosh, will you even listen? Do you even want one? I feel like I'm ... I know I should listen to myself right now. I should be like, do I have the capacity? I guess if I have the capacity to do a Christmas Eve show, I will. I will see if I have ... I am taking off. Technically, I'm not working starting tomorrow through the rest of the week. I have no clients. Today we're my last few clients for this week. I only had a few today. And then I'm going to start.

(23:30):

I'm going to have more next week again, but I took off Tuesday through Friday. So if I have extra capacity and I want to jump on and do a little mini Thrivent five, I will, but I'm not putting the pressure on myself. That's going to be my Christmas present to myself because I love my work. So it doesn't always feel like work and I love doing it and I want you guys to just be happy and thrive in all this. So I feel like this compulsion at the same time to do the things, even if it's a little past my capacity. But I'm going to honor my capacity since I'm preaching that today. All right? So everyone, this holiday week, I solemnly swear I will not push past my capacity at the end. All right. So I will either see you Thursday or Tuesday and you have a Merry, Merry Christmas or Hanukkah if you had just celebrated Hanukkah.

(24:37):

Kwanzaa, all the holidays. Whatever you celebrate, I hope you can find your type of joy at your capacity this holiday season, and I will see you in the next episode. Move to.

When your child is stressed or dysregulated — especially after time with a narcissistic, high-conflict, or toxic person — you don’t need the perfect words.

In this Thrive in Five, I share a simple 5-minute co-regulation practice you can do with your child to help their nervous system settle and feel safe again.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why you don’t need to fix or explain in these moments

• A step-by-step 5-minute regulation tool

• How to help your child feel safe without forcing conversation

This tool works after exchanges, during anxiety or shutdowns, and with any stressed or anxious child — not just in narcissistic co-parenting situations.

Your Next Step in Healing If co-parenting with a narcissist is impacting your peace or your child’s emotional safety, my 3-Month Transformational Coaching Deep-Dive provides grounded support, boundaries, and nervous-system regulation.

https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

Free Support

• Boundaries Pocket Guide: https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

• Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/peaceloveandboundaries

Questions? Email me at https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

Free Support

• Boundaries Pocket Guide: https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

• Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/peaceloveandboundaries

📧 Questions? Email me at fiercemamac@gmail.com

Episode Summary When you’re co-parenting with a narcissist, your child often absorbs stress they don’t have words for yet. Meltdowns, shutdowns, anxiety, and emotional overwhelm aren’t misbehavior — they’re nervous system responses to chaos.

In this episode, Christy shares simple coping tools you can do with your child — not lectures, not fixing, not “calm down” energy — but practical nervous-system supports that create safety, connection, and regulation for both of you.

These tools are especially helpful for parents navigating high-conflict co-parenting, post-separation abuse, or emotional manipulation from the other parent.

What You’ll Learn

• Why kids feel narcissistic chaos in their bodies before they can explain it

• How to help your child regulate without talking badly about the other parent

• Simple nervous-system tools you can do together

• Why regulating yourself first is the most powerful parenting move

• How repair builds more safety than perfection ever could

Your Next Step in Healing If you’re trying to support your child while also holding yourself together in a high-conflict co-parenting dynamic, you don’t have to do this alone.

I offer 1:1 coaching and somatic support to help you regulate your nervous system, set grounded boundaries, and show up as the calm anchor your child needs — even when the other parent creates chaos.

👉 Transformational Coaching Monthly https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

Additional Support & Resources

• Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts (for high-conflict communication): 00:00):

  Hello, hello Queens. It's your other queen. Are we queening today? Are we full of queen energy? Good. I have got a special episode for you today that actually one of my clients asked if I would do a podcast dedicated to this. And when you guys want me to do something, I say how, hi, because I'm here for you baby. Alright. In all seriousness, if you are co-parenting with a narcissist, your child is likely absorbing stress that they do not have language for yet, maybe depending on their age, even if they're teens though, it's hard to navigate this stuff as an adult, let alone a teenager or a child, right? So in this episode, I am sharing coping tools you can do with your child, not lectures, not fixing, not calm down energy, which of course I don't want that, right? But simple nervous system tools that build safety together.

  (01:01) Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christy wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dried ice, and had a come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up.

  (01:59) Okay? So when a narcissist creates chaos, which they do, kids feel it in their bodies first. They may not say I'm dysregulated, but they say it with meltdowns, withdrawal, irritability, stomach aches. And here's the part I want you to hear. Clearly, your child does not need you to explain the narcissist. They need you to help their body feel safe with you. And I say this to a lot of my clients, I've said it on here, one of your best weapons against the narcissist is being an amazing role model, a calm energy, the peace for your child, no matter what the narcissist is doing, no matter how your child is acting toward you, that's another episode, right? I'm not saying you don't discipline your child and guide them and lead them and teach them, but you stay calm, peaceful energy, right? It's a hard job, but someone's got to do it and it ain't the narc.

  (03:04) So today, these are tools you can do together side by side that help your child regulate and it helps you stay grounded too. So it two birds with one stone baby. Okay? So tool number one, name what you see without fixing. So instead of you are okay, which that's such a common thing I feel like even in my own upbringing, which is fine, love you, mama, but even generationally, that's something, you're fine. You're okay. And I'm not what we're talking about, but saying, you're okay, it's not a big deal. Instead of that try, I see your shoulders are really tense or looks like something feels heavy right now, then pause. This tells your child, my experience makes sense, right? They know they're feeling off. They may not really think it through as much, but I think saying your shoulders are, you look like something's weighing on you, however you want to put that in child terms, okay?

  (04:20) So just even that, just naming what you see without fixing it. Because often as parents, we want to, and even my personality, okay? I am a fixer by nature. I want to fix everything, all the things, save the world. Actually right now, I'm waiting to see if my husband will take me to go try to find a lost dog, okay? It's story of my life. I just, whatever. I'm a problem solver, fixer. Many of you're like that. We're empaths, we're sensitive. So we want to fix problems and make everything happy. Happy. We can't, by the way, spoiler alert, we cannot save the world, but we can do the best damn job we can with our kids and ourselves. So just helping them feel like, sorry, if you're watching them on YouTube, I have this hair that's stuck. It's really pissing me off all. But if you are just naming something to the child, they are able to first feel validated and seen, which is important, especially if you have a narc other parent.

  (05:29) So that's really important. And then just so they even kind of know, oh yeah, that's true, just observing. And you're dealing with a somatic healer right here. So observation is a very big in the somatic world, we don't always have to fix everything right away, obviously we want to heal and learn those tools too. But just observing is a great start. Tool number two, orient together. I've definitely mentioned this one orienting, but it's like a visual safety. So you can say, let's look around and name three things we like seeing, right? We're keeping it very positive. And you can name colors, cozy things, palm trees, flamingos. I'm looking at a flamingo right now. Basically, I think I have a flamingo in every room. That's my happy place. The beach, all things Resorty, palmy, flamingo. Favorite objects, if you're in their room, if you could name their little bunny they sleep with, maybe the pet, the pet's nearby, right?

  (06:39) Oh my little cute little Scooby-Doo over there. Holiday lights. It's that time of year right now, something that is positive. And this brings the nervous system out of the fight or flight and back into the present moment. And you can do it with them, not as a command. So let's look around and name three things we like seeing and you can alternate or you go first and then they go, especially the first time you're giving them a little example. Tool number three, move the stress out together. So stress gets stuck in kids' bodies just like it does ours, right? So you can try shaking the arms and legs together and making it fun. Just say, let's be a shaky spider. I just made that up. Wasn't that great? The shaky spider dance, right? And just, yeah, I'm a little cuckoo, but hey, it makes for fun.

  (07:43) My daughter has a blast. I mean, we do silly things like that, especially she's getting a little older now. She's a little t twining here. So now she might look at me, roll her eyes, but she's still doing it. In another year, she's probably going to just be rolling her eyes at me jumping for 10 seconds. Again, you can make it fun. One thing I actually have done with my daughter, just as I have tools just for any nervousness before tests or she had a little perfectionism. So after tests, if she didn't get an A, oh my gosh, to kind of get rid of that energy often I would take her outside too that she said, because now she's gotten better. She goes, it really helped when I was younger, you taking me out of the house, cutting that little cycle. So that's another thing is changing your space.

  (08:37) And if you can't go outside, you just go to another room. But changing where you are, the environment. But if you can go outside, get the fresh air, maybe get those toes in the dirt, old dirty toes, that can definitely shift the mind and get you out of that. You could do for younger kids, maybe not your tweens or teens. Stretching like animals. That's always fun, right? Oh, I'm a cat. You could do cat cow, like the yoga poses. And another thing that sets off certain good chemicals in the brain is slow, exaggerated neons. It's making me on, I have a great, actually this is for you guys. You can do this with kids too. This is kind of like a side note of just how to just relax. It takes the attention away. And you'll notice. So if you are on just audio, I'm going to put my YouTube link in the description so you can watch this.

  (09:43) This is awesome, but I'll try to describe it as best I can for those who are just listening, and I can't even really do it. I'm holding my microphone. Let me see if I can put my microphone up in a sec so I don't have to. Okay? Yeah. So you put both your hands behind your head, right? You're like, dang, sex, you look good like clasp behind your head and you put your eyes to the right all the way as far as you can. You're looking at your right elbow until you yawn. It will happen. It actually will happen. See it happen. Then you look all the way to the left until you yawn. It always takes me more time on the left. I have no idea why I'm not going to wait for it. You guys might fall asleep by the time I get there.

  (10:40) No, usually it takes like three seconds if that on my right and then takes me 30 seconds on my left. Okay? It's crazy. It's crazy town work. But then your neck and everything is a little looser. It is a real thing. You can test it. So before you actually do it, you kind of slowly turn your head to the right, to the left to see how tense it is. When you notice your neck is tense, then you do that move. Look to the right, look to the left, do your yawning, and you will see the magical result that you actually, it's not as stiff proven scientific mayhem that I cannot explain because I don't like all the science stuff. Someone else who's sciencey can tell you more about it. Go look it up. I'm just kidding. I should find out so I can tell you. All right. So anyway, hey, you can do that with any child who can follow directions. So that's another thing. So getting into the physical body to move the stress out. Tool number four, give the feeling a job. I like this one. So instead of asking kids to stop feeling, give the feelings somewhere to go, okay, you can draw it, right? That's good. Old therapy 1 0 1, paint your feelings.

  (12:05) I had to draw my feelings. I remember in kindergarten, and I remember, I literally remember having to do it. I had separation anxiety with my mom. I did not want to let go of her leg when I started kindergarten, but my parents had just separated. It was a hard time. And so I would not let her go every day. And finally they took me to the school guidance counselor. And I remember, I still can remember in kindergarten, drawing my little family, and it was so sad. I drew my dad far away. We had just separated. I still saw him, but there he was all by himself in the corner. So there you go. You can draw it, draw it. You can squeeze a pillow, you can stomp it out. You can wrap up in a blanket. Maybe you could play burrito. Roll 'em up and just let 'em feel nice and cozy and safe.

  (13:03) But ask 'em what feeling you have. Maybe it's sad. You could say, Hmm, you want to draw it. You give 'em options, right? Something that is very important in my work I do with you guys, is getting you to make choices for yourself again, for you to build your confidence. Your self trust is so important. It's for most of you has been lost. If you ever had it, depending at the start in childhood, you may have never trusted yourself. And often that can come later to be people pleaser tendencies can be out of that. So this is what I build with my clients. But also if your kids have a narcissist parent, they may also get scrutinized for certain choices or words or whatever. So they may like you. Be careful, walk on eggshells. Just nervous to say or do the wrong thing. So letting them choose.

  (14:10) Here's this feeling you're saying you have anger. Would you like to scribble it out or would you like to stomp it out, or would you like to run it out? I worked with a lot of a DHD kids and we would do similar things, right? It's getting feelings, getting these energies out because they need somewhere to go. So they don't come out in unhealthy ways. I'm trying to think of another, let's say for withdrawal. That one could be along the lines of, let's wrap you up like a burrito. And just because withdrawal, they're withdrawing, they don't feel safe. So wrapping up a burrito and just letting them observe, how do you feel? What can you do When you don't feel safe, you can hug yourself. So they could give themselves a hug. They could draw something that makes them feel safe. Even when they're not feeling safe, they can draw a picture of that bunny they're sleeping with or whatever.

  (15:15) You get the vibe I'm going for. So in this work too, this is also stuff I work with you as your soul self when we work together. But I also, a lot of parents do ask for more specific tools they can work on with their kids. So it's more customized. Obviously, if we're doing one-on-one work, check the description for ways to work with me. And starting in January, which is right around the corner, we will be doing either three, six or 3, 6, 3 months, six months or 12 packages only. There will be no more monthly. So if you want to get in a one-off, get in there quick because otherwise you are committed to mid bay for three whole months. But we're having a lot of fun. In my one-on-one sessions, amazing work is happening. I'm really excited about just this upcoming year, all the things.

  (16:17) But these tools teach emotional safety without the shame. We don't want to shame anybody for having their feelings. Tool number five, regulate yourself out loud. So you can say, I notice my body feels tense, so I'm taking a slow breath. No lecture, no teaching moment, just modeling. You're just observing what you are doing. Kids learn, right? Their eyes are always watching. They're always watching us. They're sponges, right? These are sayings we have because they're true. They learn regulation by watching, not by being told what to do. Sometimes that might stick, but kids, they're observing, they're learning how to live. They're learning how to cope. They're learning, and they're learning by watching you. That's why I say you be that steady, peaceful love bubble for them as much as you can. Again, I'm not saying you coddle. You don't coddle. I'm not a big fan of the coddling. We need to teach them how to cope in healthy ways. And the world is not going to hold them in the big burrito all the time. So they need to learn how to regulate themselves. Okay? And you guys need to remember too, you don't have to be calm all the time.

  (17:51) And healing is not perfection. I'm talking for yourself, for your kids. We're always going to be healing. No one reaches as, oh, I'm totally healed. Am I like centuries past where I was even five years ago, 10 years ago? Yes. But it is a journey. It is not like, oh, I wish I was healed. And I hear that from my clients, God, it's been this long. The funny part is some people say, oh, it's been two months already. And I'm some say, oh, it's been five years, it's been 10 years. So there's this moving bar. No, just with grief. Just like with grief, there is no timeline of exactly when you're supposed to be quote over it. And we'll never be exactly over it. I'm not trying to say that to be negative. To me that's positive because it means I don't have pressure to get to a certain spot by any point.

  (18:54) But there are ways to accelerate this healing and somatic healing is one of the many ways, but somatic healing is, it is mind blowing work. The work I've been doing just today, I had a client tell me that she has been doing therapy for years. And she said, but now I'm doing the actual work like this somatic healing. We do coaching too. So with her, I generally do a half hour of coaching, talking, figuring out the narcissist mind in a way, how to navigate, how to have conversation with this person, et cetera. And then the other half is the somatic work. We go on ation. You know what I mean? You don't know what I mean. Maybe we do somatic work. If you don't know, you've come this far. Now you get a little speech at the end. No, but it's healing from the body.

  (19:53) So the mindset work is great, but without the body work, because your body remembers everything and is not always caught up, it's mostly not caught up with the mind. So it's very important to be doing both phases of healing and the somatic stuff for me and my experience. And like my client said, today it is this accelerated version of healing, but it doesn't feel overwhelming, it doesn't feel heavy. We go slowly. And she said, it's like these small steps, but then there's these big results. So it's amazing work. If you want more information, you can always email me. My email will be in the show notes as well. Alright, so if this episode did help you, it's because these tools are not just for kids. They're for who. Never had someone help their nervous system feel safe.

  (20:53) Did I hit something there? Did I hit something right? We maybe didn't get that from our parent or someone else. Generationally, a lot of us probably did not. If you were one of the lucky ones that did congratulations, good job for your parent. But when you support your child in this way, you are also healing something in yourself. And you are stopping the cycle. You're stopping this cycle so that then your child is how many steps ahead for their child that they can teach them tools, they can teach them how to cope in healthy ways. So you're doing way better than you think. I know from experience, a lot of my clients are you right? You are my clients. Think that you're not doing enough or you're maybe not parenting perfectly and you're very hard on yourselves and you're very worried. And I get it.

  (21:56) We worry about our children, but we can't give any child a perfect childhood. We can't guard them from all the things that happen in the world. What we can do is give them the tools to be able to regulate themselves, help their own minds, help their own bodies. And not only does that help them protect them, that bleeds out into the world. And I love a good domino effect. Can I get a what One? Yes. Yay. Alright, so if you like this episode so much, you want to scream it from the rooftops, go share it anywhere with anyone. I mean, really, most people could stand to use some nervous system settlers. So even if you just have a friend that has an overwhelmed kid, these tools could be helpful. So please share this episode and of course, follow the podcast if you're not already following it.

  (22:58) So you get notified whenever I post, which is two times a week. It's Tuesdays and Thursdays. So Tuesdays are the full episodes. And then we have our Thrive in five on Thursdays, which are a little somatic fun's, like a little bite-size, somatic healing tool of the week. That is always related to Tuesday's episode. So on this Thursday, I might go maybe a little more deeply into one of these tools. So if you have a favorite, join my Facebook private group. Go in there and you can post and tell me which tool you liked, and if you want me to go deeper into it to give more examples or whatever, I love to just work from your feedback, right? So thank you guys for listening. See you in the next episode. Love.

Triggered by a narcissist? In today’s 5-minute reset, I’m giving you the exact process to stop the spiral, calm your nervous system, and shut down the bait before you get pulled into the chaos.

If you freeze, overthink, or feel your body react instantly when they say something snarky, passive-aggressive, or manipulative — this quick reset will help you stay grounded, clear, and in your power.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• What’s really happening in your body when a narcissist triggers you

• The fastest way to interrupt the emotional hijack

• A simple somatic grounding tool you can use anytime, anywhere

• How to shift from reacting → responding

• Why staying calm is your strongest boundary

Take five minutes with me today. Your nervous system will thank you. 💛

Your Next Step in Healing

If this episode resonated, your next level of support is here:

✨ Transformational Coaching (1:1 Support)

Private, deep healing containers for women rebuilding after narcissistic abuse. Release the trauma patterns, regulate your nervous system, and reclaim your peace. Monthly or 3-Month Deep-Dive options: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/ https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

Copy-Paste Peace Scripts (Most Popular!)

Struggling with what to text back? Get clear, firm, emotionally safe responses you can use immediately with toxic or narcissistic people. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/

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A self-paced program to help you set, hold, and ENFORCE boundaries without guilt. https://christyjade.co/empowered-boundaries

Free Resources

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✨ Abuse Recovery Affirmations https://christyjade.ck.page/affirmations

Join the Community

Connect with women healing alongside you: https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:03):

Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five. Your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting and that text you knew better than to reply to take a breath queen. This one's for you queens. Have you ever felt that sting in your body? When the narcissist tries to bait you today, we're going to do a five minute reset to shut down that reaction. So their chaos doesn't get to run your nervous system anymore. You in? Alright, so you know when the narcissist throws bait, they love to do it right? The snarky text, the guilt trip, the twist of the truth. Familiar with that one? Yeah. Your body reacts before your brain even has time to catch up, right? There's that spike in your chest, the heat behind your eyes and your head like you just are so frustrated, angry, confused, and then you can even get the urge to fire back.

(01:06) Or maybe you have fired back. That's not you being too much or sensitive. It is your nervous system trying to protect you from their fire, right? Their chaos. So today we're going to do a five minute reset that helps you stay unbeatable no matter what they throw at you, right? You get to be in control. So first we're going to step one for, this is the name it Tam it Body check. So you can say out loud like me because I'm a loud mouth, I like to say everything out loud. All my thoughts say out loud or just silently to yourself. My body is reacting, but I'm safe in this moment. And then observe and somatic healing. We do a lot of observing. So observe, where is the tightness? Where is that heat? Where did your breath go? And you're not fixing anything. You are locating the activation.

(02:06) And the moment you name it, the amygdala chills out by about 30%. Isn't that amazing? I love that. So that's one of the tools you're getting, I think five today. So step two, the stone spine posture shift. So this one stops the spiraling really fast. So you can sit or stand tall and imagine a stone column running up your spine. Ancient but sexy. That's weird. Why did I just call it column sexy? I don't know. Ancient. I didn't want it to feel ancient. I wanted it to just be golden and unbreakable and heavy in a good way. Grounded. So imagine that going up your spine and say, I am rooted. I am not moving with their chaos. You're unshakeable. Okay? And your body then receives the signal. We don't chase the bait. No, no, we don't defend. We don't perform and we don't sink ourselves to their level.

(03:15) Okay, step three, the four, two exhale drop. So we do a lot of breath work in working with me, right? My clients, we're going to practice a little one. You inhale for four through the nose and then you exhale for two seconds longer than the inhale could just be four, six, but this is what it's called. So inhale through the nose. Four, you're exhaling. Six seconds, you're expelling. And why does that work? Because the longer exhales actually flip your body from flight or fight, fight or flight to rest and respond, which is exactly the state that you need to stay in to stay out of their traps. Okay? Step four, the micro boundary mantra. So you can choose one of these phrases and say it slowly. I don't respond from activation. If you're on my YouTube right now, I talk with my hands and all these little hands are popping up. Thumbs up and waving. Okay? Yes, I'm on YouTube too now. Okay, I don't respond from activation. Silence is a strategy. I love this next one. Their urgency is not my urgency. We have been conditioned, conditioned to feel everything is urgent because they've conditioned us that way. Their urgency is not your urgency.

(05:01) And last I can choose the timing that protects my piece. It's not all about them anymore. So you can choose one of those phrases for a little boundary moment. Okay? And step five, the future flash. Picture yourself an hour from now. Proud, grounded, and peaceful. I know you love that word. I know you want to get there. So imagine yourself, proud, grounded, peaceful, because you didn't take the bait. What does it feel like to be like, Ooh, I didn't go there with them. They can invite you to their fight. You do not have to join it. They can invite you to their chaos. You don't have to join it. You don't explain. You didn't have to defend yourself. You didn't get pulled into their crazy circus.

(06:04) And for that little mantra, I lead with peace, not panic. You don't have to panic anymore. You don't have to have the urgency anymore. We are freeing ourselves from that. You get to say, I didn't take the bait. What would that feel like? I didn't take the bait. Oh, that's true. Freedom right there. Okay, so that's it. Five minutes nervous system reset with, and you can just do a couple of them if you have two minutes, but five minutes, you can do all those things and reset your nervous system. Calm everything down, get everything peaceful and learn these tools and practice them. The more you repeat these tools, the more you use them, the more they become second nature. So it's important to implement them into your daily life. So save this episode, write these down. Get a little cute little pad of paper, write 'em down so they're in plain sight for you to see.

(07:10) Carry 'em around in your little pocketbook. Does anyone say pocketbook anymore? I don't think so. In your handbag, in your bag. And yeah, if you want to go deeper with all of this, if you truly want to reset your nervous system in a way that is transformational and you want to kind of accelerate that, that is what you do. Working with me. We do coaching. We get into the narcissist mind. We understand them better. We talk about certain situations. If you are co-parenting or you're a mother or father or sibling, somebody in the family you feel like you are stuck with, we get to navigate all of that. And in parallel work on the somatic side of things, doing this work to heal while we are using these tools to reset, to balance. So we get the mindset work and we get the body work.

(08:10) And I love it. I love it. I love doing it. So if you want to work one-on-one with me, always in the show notes, come January, I'm only going to be doing three month, six month, and 12 packages. This will be a shift. There's lots of reasons I'm doing it because we want true transformation. We can do a lot in a month and we've done a lot in a month, but I'm here for the long haulers. We go through seasons. So I want to take you through at least three months. So you really get that huge transformation. Huge. My three monthers, woo, double queen work. Okay? So don't forget to follow my podcast, share it, share it with anyone you think could use it. Some of this stuff is just good for anyone in toxic situations. Not necessarily narcissistic, right? Toxic family environments, toxic relationships, not necessarily even abusive, but if you're dealing with someone who's manipulative or someone who's stressed out all the time or whatever, some of these thrive in fives can be useful for those people too.

(09:23) So feel free to share this with anyone who could use a little reset and hit follow on whatever platform You're listening to me. If you are watching me on YouTube, welcome. Hello, here's my face. I probably am going to start doing my podcast on video as well. This started out kind of a long story, but I'll try to make it shorter, but I'm a long story person, but we are having our home remodeled, not our entire home bathroom remodeled. And my setup was upstairs in my bedroom just with my phone and my little microphone. And that was just kind of the setup I've been doing. I've been so busy. I was like, if I have to take out the computer and the, it's just like extra steps and I'm a DD, so the less steps, the more likely it's going to happen and it's worked out beautifully.

(10:12) My podcast has really grown a lot the last year since I've been doing this. And now, I mean it's great, but I feel like I want to be on video. I love video. If you don't know, I had a YouTube channel for years, kind of different content, but I want to get back on video. I want to get back on YouTube, so I'm going to see how this goes. And if one night I don't feel like doing it on YouTube and I'm being lazy in the bed on my phone, then I won't do it. I'm not going to put pressure on myself, but let me know on YouTube if you guys do enjoy the video and anyone who's on the podcast, you can feel free to pop over there and see if you like video better. I like both. It depends on my mood as far as watching.

(11:01) I listen to a lot of stuff when I'm doing other things like laundry or just can't be staring at a screen. But some people are only video people, so it's another reason I want to get back in the YouTube world. I have had people who are like, I missed you being on YouTube. I don't really do podcasts. So now we can have the best of both worlds. Okay, so I will see you on Tuesday and definitely check out my links to work and you can always email me. Just say hi, introduce yourself, ask questions at Fierce Mama. See at Gmail, that is also in the show notes. Alright, I will see you in the next one. Nos.

In this episode: Narcissists use “baiting” to pull you into reactions, defensiveness, or emotional chaos. Today you’ll learn the three most common types of bait they use—and the simple, powerful Pause, Pivot, Protect method to keep yourself grounded, calm, and unhooked. You’ll walk away with practical responses, somatic regulation tools, and a clearer understanding of how to protect your peace in conversations, texts, and co-parenting dynamics.Your Next Step in Healing

Work 1:1 with Christy — Coaching + Somatic Healing For survivors navigating high-conflict co-parenting, emotional chaos, or holiday-triggered anxiety, get personalized support, strategy, and nervous system regulation tools.

1-Month Private Coaching https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly

3-Month Transformational Coaching + Somatic Healing https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly

Get My Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts Scripts that help you shut down manipulation, stop JADE-ing, and communicate with confidence. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-fast-37/

Grab the Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free!) Your quick-start guide to setting boundaries without guilt. https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Join the Facebook Community Connect with other women healing from narcissistic abuse https://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989

GREY ROCK METHOD EPISODE:

https://www.podbean.com/eas/pb-r2z4f-1365d55

Email me! fiercemamac@gmail.com

Speaker 1 (00:04):

Hello? Hello. Let me check my audio real quick. Let me check it. This is going to be not the best maybe recording we ever had. However, it'll be good content. I have all sorts of fun stuff. I have a bathroom remodel where they found some extensive mold, not black mold. They're going to be able to take care of it, but it's been quite a little journey. So happy holidays. Happy holidays. My house is going to be in, well, not my house, but my master bath. We're not even sleeping in there. It's just so much demolition and bleach and dust. So I'm currently recording in the basement away from the noise. Hopefully you don't hear any of it. And it's been so crazy. I literally forgot to do my podcast last night. I usually record on Monday nights and then post Tuesday morning. But here we are.

(01:05) Here we are on Tuesday and you guys don't have a podcast, so let's go. So we're not going to have the intro music, all the fun. We're just going to get straight to it today. And I was sitting thinking about what a lot of my clients, what they say to me, what they're like, oh, I wish I could just, whatever. And a huge one recently has been, they know they're not supposed to take the bait. They know they're not supposed to. They know the narcissist wants them to react, but it's really just hard in the moment. So we're going to address that, talking about not taking the bait and how to stay unshakeable when the narcissist tries to hook you. Right? Okay, so if you don't know, you're on here, but I'm Christie Jade, host of Narcissistic Abuse Recovery podcast, and we're going to dive into one of the most powerful skills you can master on your healing journey, not taking the bait.

(02:09) And if you've been following me, I say it all the time, don't take the bait. Don't take the bait. I really am considering getting T-shirts just as a little fun mantra for us to rock bright pink gold. What do you think? Tell me. And my Facebook group, by the way, go join my Facebook group. If you're not part of it, it's always in the show notes. It's free and it is private. We like that privacy part, okay? But when you stop reacting, you stop feeding that chaos. And when you stop feeding the chaos, the narcissist loses their favorite thing in the world, their power. And that's part of my goal. Look, my big goal is to live peacefully. But gosh, if I have to deal with a narcissist, one of my favorite things is to get, help them get rid of their power. Okay? So first name the game baiting is a strategy.

(03:09) So if you've ever wondered why do they always know exactly what to say to set me off, this is not by accident. This is not just something they're doing without knowing it. And they will always manipulate and say, I didn't mean it. My intention wasn't that blah, blah, blah, right? Narcissist ba. Because your reaction is actually their reward, your spark, your emotion. They love to get emotion out of you, your energy. They love to drain your energy. It's like a little crispy snack that they're after. And you don't want to be their snack, right? So if you don't bite, they don't eat. Maybe we should have that as a tagline. Don't take the bait. If you don't bite, they don't eat. So when you can see their comment, their text, whatever, in conversation as bait, just knowing, and it takes some training in the mind, but as not truth, you instantly gain the power.

(04:14) You're like, you know what they're doing. And it does, I promise. It becomes like second nature, it becomes a science. It goes, you become an observer. And a huge part of somatic healing, by the way, is being able to become the observer even of your own feelings. And that's a whole other show. But if you want to do somatic healing and heal from the body, girl, jump in the show notes. Let's work together. But in the situation with the narcissist, you move from, I have to defend myself, right? I have a client recently that was talking about this, just the smear campaigns, the painting you in a picture that is not accurate, that is bad, that, oh, you're the bad parent, you're the problem. They all do it. So you feel like you have to defend yourself, and you can change this into, I see what you're doing.

(05:13) And I know some of you can't get there yet. That's why we have to do the one-on-one work to, from our body. Get to that point. You may not even be able to imagine being able to say so what? Right now. But I promise you, when you heal and you do the deeper work, you absolutely can get to that place. You stop caring what everyone else thinks, what they think, and you know that the truth comes out the truth. The people that matter will know the truth, right? And you can't control others. So just a little side note. Alright, so two, the three most common baits that you need to spot. I want you to hear these and think, yeah, then there. Because awareness is everything. So knowing what you're dealing with, again, so bait number one, the insult bait. That could just be as simple as, wow, calm down.

(06:11) Or You're so dramatic, you're so sensitive. It was just a joke. I'm literally saying this, and it is bringing me back, and I peeled a lot, so I'm not getting that visceral feeling I used to. But now I look at it, I'm like, oh, what? Oh, it was so slimy, so calculated, so arrogant, so narcissistic. But these are designed to make you feel like they know you have to defend yourself after that, right? So it's on purpose to make you defend yourself, to explain, or as most of us have done over, explain yourself or even get louder, baiting you to be the crazy one, the loud one, the overdramatic one who's now yelling, right? All of which feed them. So imagine their big old head with their big old mouth just waiting to be fed. You're taking the bait, you're feeding them, you're feeding them, you're reasoning, you're explaining your energy, your emotions.

(07:23) You're literally just giving them everything they freaking want. No more sis. Okay? The bait. Number two, the guilt bait. I know you're familiar with this one too, but we're calling it all out here. This is like a mic drop episode today, alright? After everything I've done for you, wah. Or I guess I'm just the bad guy. Oh, I love that one. I'm trying to think specifically. I remember a word, one of the narcs in my life. There's been a couple, but, oh, I guess I'm just the worst, I guess I'm just horrible. I guess I'm a horrible blah, blah, blah, because I'm a horrible boyfriend. Yeah, you fucking are. First of all, I Or oh, oh, so I'm the problem or I'm the problem now. Yeah. First of all, yeah, can we start saying just, yeah, and answering their questions. But these pull you into over-explaining and apologizing, right?

(08:25) Because when you're in it, and even now, you might be out of the situation, but still can fall for these tactics sometimes, because we were created as empaths, as sweet people with big hearts, we were created to not want to make people feel bad. So if a healthy person said something to you that might make you feel guilty, you would turn inward and say, oh, well, maybe I did something wrong. But these are unhealthy people. So knowing they're unhealthy and knowing these are specific lines and things, they say, oh, I'm the problem now. I guess I'm the bad guy, right? Healthy people don't do that. Healthy people come to you and say, look, I have a problem. How can we get through this? And they talk it out like adults. I'm not saying people don't have, there are occasional moments where they may not know the exact right thing to say, but if you're with a narcissist or you're dealing with a narcissist or questioning if they're a narcissist, they have a pattern of unhealthy guilt trips.

(09:34) So they're making you carry something that is not yours. And then the third bait is the chaos bait. How about when everything is fine? Things seem to be like, wow, this is the best we've ever been in a relationship. Or oh man, it's been nice and peaceful for a couple days probably because they can't really last super long. Boom, a fight over nothing, maybe anything, nothing. It isn't random. It's all about control, attention and emotional domination. When they feel like it's too quiet, they need the chaos. They need to be fed, they're hungry little animals with that mouth wide open, and they're just waiting for you to feed them that energy, that emotion, the defenses, the overexplaining. So once you can name these three baits, they actually lose a lot of their power. Okay, so now what number three is the tool? Pause, pivot, protect, pause, pivot, protect.

(10:50) Maybe write that down. This is your new queen level nervous system armor, pause. All right. This is where the magic happens. And yes, it can take a little time. I don't want you to get upset if you can't do these tools overnight, okay? But work on them before you respond. You get a text or even you're at drop off with your co-parenting, or they're your boss, or they're your parent. No one says you need to respond immediately. Even if you're in person, send to yourself. Take a breath, three seconds. Let your nervous system just have a moment to not take that bait. Okay? Let the spike settle. It's really a spike, right? Your response, that visceral response, then pivot. Pivot away from their intention, which we just discussed as chaos and toward your intention. Okay? What's your intention? Say it with me. Class, peace, boundaries, clarity, all of the above. And ask yourself. So you're taking a few seconds, ask yourself, does responding to this serve my peace?

(12:18) Sometimes you don't have to respond and you definitely don't have to respond or overexplain or give them emotion. You can walk away. I know with legal stuff, I have a lot. I mean, I think all my clients right now literally are dealing with co-parenting and exes. So if they're asking where drop off is, obviously there's things you need to respond to, but we're not talking about those things. We're talking about the situations where they are trying to get under your skin. They are guilt tripping you. They're saying, well, you didn't answer when I called. You don't even have to respond to that.

(13:08) Does responding to this serve my peace? Then you protect. Where's your golden bubble? This is where you respond or you choose not to from a grounded place. So here's where we go into scripts. I actually have some scripts I'll put in the show notes for you too, but examples of protective responses, I'm not available for this. Tone. Simple. Eat that, shove that whopper down your throat, or we can continue this when the conversation is respectful. Chew on those fries. By the way, guys, hold on if you're on video, I'm going to put this on YouTube. So I am wearing my Grinch socks from McDonald's. Did you see McDonald's? They have an adult happy meal that brought me so much joy, and it has. I love my a DD, don't you? It's a Grinch box it. And they have, I think it's a large fry in there.

(14:16) And then they have this packet of dill pickle seasoning, salt. It's Grinch salt. It's the whole Grinch theme. And you put it in a bag with the fries, shake it up. Holy cannoli. It is so delicious. I could scream. Oh, whoops. I keep forgetting. There's people in my house, the remodeler guys, they're right upstairs to eating lunch. They're probably like, why is that lady screaming about grinches? Anyway, the meal comes with a pair of socks, and I was so excited. I was hoping for the green pear because Grinch, and guess what? I got a green pear. That's favor. That's the favor of the Lord. All right, let's get back to it. We need a little break. This is heavy stuff. Okay, so where was I? Oh, yes, continuing when the conversation is respectful. Okay, another nice little response that's respectful, but direct, not emotional, right? Take your emotion out. Gray rock method people. If you haven't heard that episode of mine, it's gold. I will try to link that too. This isn't productive. Let's revisit later.

(15:26) Simple. Let's give them the naked old beans in their mouth. Okay? I don't even know what that meant, but I liked it. And then last, but definitely not least, silence. Yeah, silence is a very complete sentence, especially in the eyes of a narcissist. You're standing in front of a narcissist. That's a good answer. Silence. They might hate it. They use it as a weapon. Why can't you? All right. I'm not saying use it. I am going to bear again, a reminder, if in a legal situation you need to respond about a specific thing that has to do with your child, your mutual child, obviously you're going to have to not give them the silent treatment, but only on that specific area. If you get an email and they say, when are you dropping Olivia off at my house? And then they go on to say, you know this and that and the other, and you did this.

(16:30) And then I'll never forget how you did it. Just who knows? Do you know what they do? They bring up all sorts of trash to get a response. They can't just be human about it. So you respond to that email with 4:00 PM at the circle, whatever, facts, people. Facts. No drama, no excess information. They will, oh God, they want to eat information too. Okay? Their dessert is information from you, private information, any information that you do not have to give them legally do not give them. They will suck that cherry down real fast. Okay, where are we here? Oh, co-parent. Another co-parenting specific. I will only be responding to child related information. That should be upfront. I've talked about this to all of my clients. I will only be responding to child related information. Very important. And if you break it 40, what is that saying?

(17:42) My old substitute teacher used to say, 30 lashes with a wet noodle. It was Catholic school, I dunno. But you'll get 30 lashes of wet noodle from Mrs. Mancini. I think that was really her name. Wow, look at that. The a, DD. It doesn't stop me from remembering things from 1991. Alright, so make sure you're sticking to your own boundaries. If you're not, give yourself grace, you're human and you just went through hell. Or maybe it was a while ago, but you have PTSD from narcissism. So give yourself a little break. And last one, I'll review and reply within 24 hours, unless you have otherwise an apparent agreement, parental agreement, divorce, decree, whatever. If you have something that says you have to reply within 12 hours, you can't go against it. So whatever legally is binding. But if not, I'll review and reply within 24 hours.

(18:45) Instant deescalation tool brought to you by yours. Truly, you don't need to respond. We are conditioned by them to feel like we have to respond right away, or they're going to, who knows? What are they really going to do? If you're in a violent situation, that's a whole different story. If you're afraid of them violently, you need to deal with an attorney with that, the police with that restraining order with that. But if you're not, we are conditioned to be so hyper scared and fearing them so much that sometimes we lose the logical thought of the world's not going to end. If you don't fucking respond right now, I'll review it in 24 hours. You'll get something back. Won't be much though. Keep it simple, short.

(19:43) Now let's wrap it up here. Well, we're almost done. Let's see how much I have a little more. But this section here, your calm is actually the one thing they cannot control. And that calm will drive them mad. But that's a good thing I've found in my time. Okay? Dealing with narcissists, yes, initial the first time or times that you are calm and you don't take their bait, they can come harder. They can come louder. That's why I say if they're violent, obviously it's a different story and you need to deal with that legally. But if they're just being a tantrum baby, baby tantrum, I don't know. That's okay. You don't fold the longer you stick to it. My point is, long-term, you're going to be much better off.

(20:43) They never fully give up. Usually narcs, okay? But when it's too much of a fight, they can be very lazy. A lot of narcs are actually very freaking lazy. So eventually when they see you are, if you don't budge, and I'm a stubborn bull, so I got an upper hand on y'all, I'm sorry, but if you're a Taurus, what you can probably be as stubborn as me when you don't budge, eventually they do back off more, okay? The more you give, the more they're going to know that they can get that from you. And they're going to be like, oh, feet, miss S feed me. Okay? So you staying steady, it's not weak. You can think, oh, well, especially right after you're like, well, when you're in the start of your healing journey, it's like you almost can go the other side of the pendulum where it's like, well, I'm not going to stand for this and I'm going to stand up for myself now.

(21:42) Right? There can be that. It doesn't work with nurses. So you staying steady and calm, that is the strength, it's the strategy. And you get to choose your piece over their bullshit. This is all about your piece. And if you have a child, your child's peace, okay? So when a narcissist cannot bait you anymore, they will. I'm telling you, they will get louder, meaner, more dramatic, not because you're doing anything wrong and it might feel weird or like, wait, this isn't working. It will, it will work. But they're old tools. Stop working. So they're going, okay, what do I need to do? Oh shit, I need to get louder. I need to get scarier. I need to get more manipulative. I need to do a bigger smear campaign. Go smear mother. Ever. Go smear all you want. Do you know the smear campaigns that I had on my back? My own family?

(22:42) I mean, I had cousins. I had all sorts of crazy stuff being said about me. And I was like, well, the true ones will be here when I get out of this muddy freaking mess. And they were. And guess what? All those people that were told certain things and didn't know, like, oh, is that true? Guess who is super close with them now? This girl with her shiny ground, okay, you'll win in the end narcs. Don't win in the end. Trust me. Okay? So every time you choose that pause a boundary or silence, we love good silent treatment. You are rewiring your nervous system and breaking the trauma bond that the conditioning you've learned and that codependence and those strings, you may still have a couple tied that's trauma bonding, and we're going to sever the tie. But that's how you become unshakeable. That's how you get power back.

(23:46) How you stop feeding that big narc mouth who was never going to love you the way you deserved in the first place. Am I right? Am I right? Yes. Okay. So if today hit home for you, make sure you share this with a friend. Maybe they're in the thick of dealing with a toxic person. Even if there's not a narc, there's things here that are very relevant just to anyone in a relationship with somebody who's controlling or toxic. And if you want to go deeper into that nervous system healing that I talked about, boundaries that actually stick, getting rid of the guilt that comes with those boundaries and emotional freedom. You know where to find me, always in my show notes, all the links to all the things that are in there. I've different packages and it's really important for you coming up. The holidays are crazy, and then it's a new year, a new start, and you don't need to feel like this anymore.

(24:55) So if you're ready to step out of this and I got your hand, girl, we going to, I'm going to take you out of that mud, definitely. Let's do some one-on-one work all. You're not here to take the bait. Don't take the bait. We're going to make shirts. You are here to rise and shine your beautiful little crown, okay? And you're doing a great job already. So check out the show notes. You can also, if you have questions about working with me or anything else in this episode, or I forgot to put a link, you can email me. My email will always be there. It's fierce Mama C at gmail. Alright, I will see you in Thursday's episode, which will be a somatic healing exercise related to today's episode because all the magic needs to happen in that body. Okay, see you the next one. Bye.

Episode Summary

If the narcissist is gone but your thoughts are still stuck on replay, you are not alone. After narcissistic abuse, your nervous system can stay stuck in hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, and mental loops — even long after the relationship ends.

In this Thrive in 5, Christy Jade guides you through a fast, somatic reset you can use any time those obsessive thoughts flare up. You'll learn how to interrupt the loop, ground your nervous system, and bring your mind back into the present moment where you are safe. These tools take less than a minute and help retrain your brain to stop reacting as if the narcissist is still in your life.

Your Next Step in Healing

Work 1:1 with Christy — Coaching + Somatic Healing For survivors navigating intrusive thoughts, trauma bonds, co-parenting chaos, or emotional aftershocks of narcissistic abuse, get personalized support, strategy, and nervous system regulation tools.

1-Month Private Coaching https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly

3-Month Transformational Coaching + Somatic Healing https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly

Get My Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts Scripts that help you shut down manipulation, stop JADE-ing, and communicate with confidence. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-fast-37/

Grab the Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free!) Your quick-start guide to setting boundaries without guilt. https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Join the Facebook Community Connect with other women healing from narcissistic abuse https://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989

 

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:03):

Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to take a breath Queen. This one's for you, you guys. I'm in my basement, I'm in my pajamas, no makeup, hair, freshly washed and air dried, and we're ready to go. Hopefully you can hear me okay. So yes, we're doing a little video today. I'm proud. I'm trying out my old way where I used to do video too with my fuzzy pink mike. Ooh, matches my outfit. I feel like I'm like a candy cane over here if you can see me and that's something special. If not, it's something special. All right, so today we are doing a Thrive in five related to Tuesday's episode, which is why you're still thinking about the narcissist 24 7. If you have not watched that episode, go check it out.

(01:08) Today we're doing a somatic reset for when you can't stop thinking about them. So first of all, you are not broken if you're still thinking about them. I know it's not fun, but even when narcissists are outside of our life or if we're no contact or we've pulled back, whatever, if your co-parenting, your nervous system is still unwinding from the chaos, the intensity and the constant emotional curve balls, right? So today I'm going to give you five somatic tools that you can use in the moment your mind starts looping. Okay? Alright. Number one, the thought to body check-in. So when a thought pops up, one of those, questioning yourself, questioning why something happened. Just agitation, anything that puts your nervous system into that like not okay mode. Notice where specifically am I feeling this in my body? Is it tension in the chest? Is it a knot in your throat?

(02:23) Is it a sick stomach, butterfly? Kind of not in a good way. Feeling in the stomach, locating the sensation shifts you out of the story and into the present moment into reality. And the first step is breaking that loop. The second we're going to talk about a jaw and tongue release, and this is like an instant deescalation. So drop your tongue from the roof of your mouth. A lot of times it's held up there, you don't even notice, right? Drop it all the way down. Don't even let the tip, the tip off and we'll try to hang onto to the back of your teeth. That's called trauma, baby. You got trauma mouth. Alright, we're going to release the tongue all the way. Unc unclench your jaw. Let it relax. Look, I'm doing it now. You can't understand me. Then gently open and close it two to three times. Then let out a verbal sigh. Okay? So open, I'm going to do it and if you can see, it's going to be the best thing you ever saw today. All right, gently open and close three times. So go.

(03:49) I know that was not my best look, it's not going to be yours either, but here we are. Okay. This though tells your brain the danger is not here anymore. You're out of danger and your thoughts soften almost immediately. If you got to go for a round two, do it. But one round of that, you should notice an immediate difference. Okay? Number three, the squeeze and melt pattern. Interrupt. If you've been in any of my yoga classes, anything like that, I love a good melt session. So make gentle fists. Squeeze your hands, your arms or your legs. I generally like to do hands and arms and you squeeze them for five seconds, like Mississippi seconds, not 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, like one Mississippi, two, right? You're tensing as best as you can release.

(04:54) Repeat this twice, three times if you're feeling edgy. Okay? This is, it completes the stress response cycle and gives your nervous system a nice clean grounding reset. Number four, orienting, which we've done a lot of on this podcast, it's good, it's good, easy, simple work. You can teach it to your kindergartner, right? They can do it, you can do it and it works. My daughter just said she used it like two days ago. She said she was getting a little stressed out about something. It happens. We're tweeting now. And she said, and I did that thing you do. She didn't remember the name, but here's an example of it. Pick a color, blue, green, yellow, whatever. I'm going to go purple and find five things in your space that match the color. So I'd say purple. Of course I have barely anything purple here. It's going to take a while.

(05:58) I'm really going to have to get present there. I found one. There's a stripe on the clock that's purple. There's a little ball that's purple. There's a basket that's purple. So this pulls your brain out of the trauma time and it's pulling it into the present, into the right now where you are safe. So it's pulling your body back from the unsafe place where your body still thinks it is clearly and it's saying, Hey, you're here with all this purple shit and you're safe, right? Number five, which you can do this one alone at any time, it's an easy one. But paired all of these paired together are a swell team. All right, number five, the I'm here. They're not breath. So you inhale through your nose in this is called a halo breath in through the nose, we're going to do four seconds. So in 4, 3, 2, 1, exhale, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

(07:17) And on that exhale, you're going to say internally or out loud, if you're a loud ass like me and you're going to say, I'm here. It's kind of hard to, I'm here as you're exhaling, but it's possible. Now you can say, breathe, exhale out and then say, I'm here. So through the nose, four out through the mouth, six internally saying, I'm here. Pause. Then there not, okay, obviously if they're right there, this isn't going to work. This is one of those, they can't be right next to you. This anchors your system though into the truth. The narcissist is no longer the context you're living in. Technically they could be right next to you. You can still do it not as effective, but as a representation of they're no longer if you're out of the situation, but you're still not there in the way they used to be where you lived under the same roof and you had to be on eggshells 24 7.

(08:32) You're not in that situation anymore. But this is more effective if they're not sitting right next to, it's a good reminder. You're in a safe space. You're away from them. They are not here. I'm not under their thumb. Namaste, mofo. Okay? So use any and all of these tools. Anytime you start the loop, the spiral, okay? You're not obsessing, you are healing. If you were still in the same situation, you, you wouldn't be able to do this even this much. So I want you to remember that. Give yourself grace. I have a lot of clients currently having a theme I've noticed of beating themselves up and saying questioning, why am I like this when it's even some of my clients are pretty fresh out of these situations and they're asking, why do I feel stuck? If you were stuck, you would still be in this situation you were in and you wouldn't be able to even do any of these tools or use any of these tools.

(09:44) You wouldn't be here with me now. So it shows your growth. It doesn't feel like it or it feels like it's taking a long time because it's painful. This isn't like jump overnight, but when we do one-on-one work, and you can ask any of my clients, there are major shifts. There are major shifts. And when we do the somatic healing, that's that body work healing through the body so that the body can catch up with the mind. Because remember, the body remembers everything. The body can get stuck. So we have to let it catch up and that's where the somatic healing comes in. So if you want to sign up, I have monthly and three month sessions right now, three months, your whole world is going to blast open. It's going to be freaking amazing. By the end of three months, you're going to not going to recognize yourself in a good way. Not saying you're bad, but guess what? You are. You're a queen and you're going to be a double queen. And you don't even know what that feels like. You haven't tasted the life of a double queen, but it's amazing, super peaceful, super confident, knowing who you are, finding that truth of who you really are. That person maybe you miss or you never really met that is inside of you. It is an amazing feeling to live this way.

(11:17) And then we have monthly, which obviously is you pay for a month of sessions and you can always keep going, add on. But that is also very transformational. That is for someone who is ready to do this is all you're ready to do the work, right? This is like, I am so tired of feeling like this. I am sick of feeling guilty. I'm sick of feeling confused like why this happened or how am I affecting my kid? Is it my fault that some of this happened? All of these questions you need answered, I'm here to help answer them. And I'm here to also help shift the inside turmoil.

(12:13) We are here, we go on journeys together, magical little journeys. I call 'em soul. Call 'em soul cas because they're actually, it's like a massage for the soul. It is. You come out of it and you feel amazing. So I know I'm blabbing on, but it's hard to describe it in a sentence what it's like, right? If you want to read more about it, there is the link in the show notes. Go ahead and click over there and then you can read more details on each option. And what else? My free Facebook group, come join other women just like you. It's private. So I go through all the questions making sure no creepy people slip into our group. It is a women empowerment group for narcissistic abuse victims. And yes, definitely join that and always check out the show notes for any information I talk about.

(13:14) And don't forget to follow the podcast so you can get the next episode, because who would want to Ms. Christian or pajamas? Not you? Look, if you're listening right now, go peep over to my YouTube channel. I'll put the link that I have to remember the link to my YouTube channel so you're able to see it. All right? Catch you on the flippy. How is it? December already? Are you ready for the holidays? If you're co-parenting with the narc or you've got a close narc, you probably are not because you know the narcs come out like crazy during the holiday season because they do not want you to enjoy it. Okay? Let's be real. I will probably do another episode on that. I just did one about Thanksgiving, how the narcs act up even more around Thanksgiving. But I'll probably do one closer to Hanukkah and Christmas as well.

(14:14) So look out for that. I'll see you in the next episode. And remember, I got you, I see you, I understand what you are going through and I know how to help you. So if you want my help, you know where to find me in the lovely little show notes, and I promise I won't wear my pajamas to our sessions, okay? Unless you put a special request in, I should start doing that. You want me to wear a crown? You want me to wear some pajamas? Just let me know. Alright? I also always have my email address so you can write. Say hello, introduce yourself, ask a question. I love getting emails from you guys. All right, so keep 'em coming. All right, see you in the next episode. Love u. Bye.

Episode Summary If the narcissist is no longer in your life but your mind still won’t let them go — replaying memories, overanalyzing past conversations, or bracing for a blow that isn’t coming — you are not alone. Obsessive thinking after narcissistic abuse is a normal trauma response, not a sign that you miss them or that something is wrong with you.

In this episode, Christy Jade breaks down exactly why your brain keeps looping back to the narcissist 24/7, what your nervous system is trying to protect you from, and how trauma bonds + hypervigilance get wired into your body. You’ll learn the steps to interrupt the loop, calm your system, and finally start reclaiming your peace and mental space.

This is your guide to taking your mind back — one breath, one shift, one moment of safety at a time.

Your Next Step in Healing

Work 1:1 with Christy — Coaching + Somatic Healing For survivors navigating high-conflict co-parenting, emotional chaos, or holiday-triggered anxiety, get personalized support, strategy, and nervous system regulation tools.

1-Month Private Coaching https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly

3-Month Transformational Coaching + Somatic Healing https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly

Get My Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts Scripts that help you shut down manipulation, stop JADE-ing, and communicate with confidence. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-fast-37/

Grab the Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free!) Your quick-start guide to setting boundaries without guilt. https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Join the Facebook Community Connect with other women healing from narcissistic abuse https://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989

 

TRANSCRIPT Speaker 1 (00:00):

Girl, if the narcissist is long gone, but your brain is still acting like they're standing in your kitchen judging the way you slice strawberries. This episode is for you because today we're talking about why your mind won't shut up about them, even though you know they're toxic, they're gone, they're blocked, whatever, and hopefully living their best, irrelevant life. Alright, let's get your peace and your brain back online. Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear. Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom, and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice, and had to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck, and find healing methods that actually lasted.

(01:01) Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there. And let's cue your royal glow up. All right, Queens, welcome back to the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Podcast. It's Christy Jade, your coach, your hype woman, your peace protecting partner, most importantly. And today we are going deep into one of the biggest things I hear from survivors. Christie, why am I still thinking about them all the time? I don't even want to. You are not crazy. You're not weak. I'm going to repeat that again. You are not weak. You are not stuck in the past. Even your brain is literally doing exactly what it was trained to do under trauma.

(02:02) Today, you're going to understand why this happens. And more importantly, how to stop the obsessive loop so you can reclaim that big, beautiful queen brain of yours. Alright? So the truth that you have never really been told here is the wildest part. Your brain isn't thinking about the narcissist, it's thinking about danger. But because the narcissist was the danger, your brain glued the two together. So during the narcissistic abuse, your nervous system learns, if I don't predict their behavior, I might get hurt. If I don't stay hyper aware, I won't see the next explosion coming. Or if I miss a signal, chaos will hit. So your brain starts scanning, monitoring, remembering, analyzing. Also, you can, it's trying to help you out, sister, okay? But guess what? Your nervous system doesn't just magically unlearn that pattern just because the narcissist is gone. It's like firing a horrible employee.

(03:14) But your security alarm still go off every time the wind blows, right? The thread is gone, but the wiring is still on. It's still there. All right? So the three reasons your brain won't let go first, your body is still in survival mode. So hyper vigilance is actually a physical state, not an intellectual decision. So even if you know the narcissist is gone, your nervous system, your body basically has not caught up with that yet. Okay? Two, your brain got addicted to predicting the unpredictable. Say that five times best. Alright, I call this the mental Olympics. You trained your brain and it's not your fault, right? But you did it. It was a thing for a safety trained your brain to analyze every micro expression, every text tone, every sigh they made, your brain became a full-time detective. Now it's retired, but it's still pacing around with its magnifying glass saying, what do I do now?

(04:28) What do I do now because it's addicted? And number three, trauma bonds are real chemicals. They are not choices. Dopamine plus cortisol plus intermittent reinforcement equals your brain learned to chase clarity from someone who never gave it. Okay, I'll say that again. Your brain learned to chase clarity from someone who never gave it. It really wanted that clarity, didn't it? You know what I'm talking about, girl? So those loops don't shut off overnight. And again, it is not your fault. It is not your fault at all. Take a deep breath, release that shit. It's not your fault. So here's the shift time why you can finally let them go. Here's the good news. We want good news in this, right? Your brain can be rewired, it can learn safety again. It can learn peace again. It can learn you again. I love that part. It can learn you again.

(05:39) You are not condemned to think about them forever. You just haven't given your nervous system the okay to stop doing the job it was forced into or it hasn't totally processed it. And healing isn't about forgetting them. It's about retraining your system to stop anticipating danger. I'm going to say that again. It's about retraining your system to stop anticipating the danger. And that's what we're going to do next. The break the loop blueprint. Let's do it. Here are the exact three practices that help myself. Some of my clients stop the obsessive thought cycles fast and for real. Okay? So first, you ground your body before you try to fix your thoughts. We are in our heads, right? Survivors are in their heads all the time, but the thoughts live in the mind. The trauma loop lives in your body and your body has to feel safe before your mind can actually let go.

(06:53) So it's kind of like we try to do it reversed, right? Do this, put your hand on your chest. Inhale for four seconds and exhale for six. You always want to exhale a little longer during these sessions. Inhale 4, 3, 2, 1, and exhale, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Feel your feet on the floor. Say, I am safe in this moment. Okay? This is telling your brain we're not in danger anymore. Now, you can interrupt the loop with curiosity, not criticism. So instead of, oh, why am I still thinking about them, which I have heard more than I can even count, try, what is my brain trying to protect me from right now? What is my brain trying to protect me from? This flips the script from shame to self-understanding. What is my brain trying to protect me from?

(08:00) And then you replace the survival job with a new one. Your brain's very busy. She's go-getter. She's an amazing queen. She got a queen brain, got to keep her shiny. She's got jobs to do. She needs a new job. So what are some jobs we could do here? Noticing pleasure, noticing your breath, noticing stillness, noticing what feels good, noticing you who you are, your truth, your beliefs. This is why this somatic work changes everything. I've been doing so much somatic work with my clients recently. And girl, if you want that deep somatic healing, I'm talking that body shift where the body just gets to rewrite, release, truly shift so that the mind can let go too. You need to do somatic work with me. You need to. It's you got to go sign up right now. Pause this, go to my show notes and sign up for one of my packages.

(09:10) They're always there in the show notes. Anyway, somatic healing is mind blowing. If you want to find out more too, click on the link and it will give you a little more description than I'm giving you right now. But when your body learns that safety, your brain can start to slow down. That scanning eventually stop. That's the goal. To stop all the scanning, the living and hypervigilance is exhausting. I know I've been there. Okay, so your obsessive thoughts do not mean you actually miss them. They don't mean you're weak. I'm going to repeat that 80 times in today's episode. They don't mean you're weak. They don't mean you're failing at healing. They mean your brain is loyal. It's protected you for a long time. This could be from the person you have in mind right now. Could also be someone, a parent, a sibling, someone in your childhood.

(10:13) It could be stacked together, multiple people, but your brain has been protecting you. And now we have to teach at peace. And you don't have to do that alone, right? This is why I help women do what we do every single day. Let's get your life back. Let's get your mind back. Let's get you back. The real you that you deserve to have hosting this life, right? Not living in this constant obsessive thoughts in general, the anxieties of the hypervigilance, and then the thoughts about them. So definitely sign up in my show notes. I have limited availability, but I am taking, probably can squeeze in one or two clients. And when you sign up, we will figure out a schedule that works for you. Don't worry. So if you sign up, don't worry, I have enough space in my calendar. I do this on purpose where I leave space for you guys, so I can really, really give my all to each of you. Okay?

(11:25) That's it for this week on, not this week for today, Thursday, later this week, we'll do a little extra somatic exercise related to this. And don't forget to follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow my podcast on my main page. Hit the follow button of wherever you're listening so you don't miss an episode, and you can join my free Facebook private group. Okay? It's private. It is not public. I go through every single, this is one of the pains in my asses of what I do. One of those backend of business things they call it. I go through everyone's questions. I make sure you are legit people. That's why you have to give your email address. I'm very, we're keeping you people safe and private, okay? So it a safe, private space where women like you are there and we can chat and share stories, and I'll do little live videos. So go join that sign up for somatic Healing with me. If you want true transformation, if you feel like your brain is all over the place and you just feel ready to heal, but don't know what to do, you have these obsessive thoughts. I'm your queen master. We're going to master this together. Okay? So love you guys. See you in the next episode.

Episode Summary If Thanksgiving brings up anxiety, dread, or that tight feeling in your chest because a toxic or narcissistic family member might be there… you are not alone. Holiday gatherings can activate old wounds, emotional landmines, and survival instincts you didn’t ask for.

In this episode, Christy Jade breaks down exactly how to stay grounded, calm, and in your power — even if the room is dripping with passive-aggressive comments, guilt trips, or classic narcissistic behavior. You’ll learn how to prepare your energy ahead of time, protect your emotional space in the moment, and end the night without absorbing anyone’s chaos.

This is your 5-Step Sanity Saver for the holidays.

Your Next Step in Healing Work 1:1 with Christy — Coaching + Somatic Healing For survivors navigating high-conflict co-parenting, emotional chaos, or holiday-triggered anxiety, get personalized support, strategy, and nervous system regulation tools.

1-Month Private Coaching https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly

3-Month Transformational Coaching + Somatic Healing https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly

Get My Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts Scripts that help you shut down manipulation, stop JADE-ing, and communicate with confidence. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-fast-37/

Grab the Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free!) Your quick-start guide to setting boundaries without guilt. https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Join the Facebook Community Connect with other women healing from narcissistic abuse https://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:00):

Hello Queens. This is your Thrive in five, a special episode for the holidays coming up. Whether it's Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanza, whatever you are celebrating, the narc, I'm sure will not want you to be happy. So they are going to cause you distress in whatever way they can. We know that's true. If you haven't listened to Monday's episode, I posted a little early this week because of the holiday. Make sure to check that out. That is more specific to even helping if they're trying to change plans and whatever. And you can use some of these tips for that situation. But also these tips for if there is someone at the place you're going to, if you co-parent, maybe you parallel parent and they're going to be there, or maybe it's just a toxic family member, whatever it is. I got you covered for this holiday piece.

(00:52) Reset. So Thanksgiving is supposed to be this feeling of warmth, grounding, connectedness. But when there's a narcissist or any toxic person in the mix, your nervous system is already on guard before the Turkey even hits that table. Queen, we know that, right? You go in like, oh gosh, I'm going to have to deal with this. And you already go in stressed out. So I'm going to give you some five steps, sanity, savers for the holiday season. Number one, pre decide your energy. This is where people don't like, always love this. But you get to make choices and decide. So before you walk in to whatever situation, or even if you're answering a text about your ex trying to change plans, you choose the vibe you're going to bring into that conversation, into that room. You're going to bring what? Anybody? Anybody? Yes. The one in the crown.

(01:57) Good, yes. Calm, neutral, and unshakeable. Okay? No one gets to hijack that. Number two, set your internal boundary. So a simple mindset shift, like their behavior is about them. My piece is about me. It keeps their chaos out of your body. So really differentiate. I like to zoom out. I'm very visual. If you're a visual person, this will help kind of having a zoomed out observation kind of mode going on where you're picturing you and them, your separate entities, they have a bunch of dark, crazy, chaotic energy that they can bring all they want you are going to envision. You are in a golden globe of calm and joy, and you're not going to let their dark energy penetrate yours. So if you're visual, that'll help. If not, just think in your mind, their behaviors about them. My piece is about me, and if you have a child, you're a child as well.

(03:02) Alright, number three, keep a grounding anchor nearby. This could be a bracelet, a ring, a cold drink, something you can touch to reset your nervous system. When tension rises. I prefer a bracelet. I don't know why. Just like that. And I don't really need that hack anymore. But when I was first going through a lot of toxicity separation and I would start to get in my head, or if I had to be around the person, I would use that. I liked the kind of just moving that bracelet around, fidgeting with it, whatever, and kind of just focusing on that and breathing and getting through it. So anchoring on something tangible that you can touch to just kind of reset your nervous system. Number four, take micro breaks. You're allowed to step out, step outside, go to the bathroom, take some breaths, pretend to check a message.

(04:00) You don't need permission to protect your peace. If let's say it is even just someone toxic at your Thanksgiving, uncle, uncle Charlie, he's at it again, talking politics, screaming around. You can say, oh, I've got to take this call. That's imaginary. Okay? Step outside. You can just go to the bathroom, take a few breaths. Remember, it's them. It's their chaos. Don't let it go into your glorious love bubble. Okay? And number five, end the night with the nervous system. Exhale. So stretch, breathe, journal, take a nice shower or bubble bath. Anything that tells your body it's over. I'm safe now. And it might just be this whole week. Maybe you were fighting with your ex over the holidays and who gets what, right? Or not who gets what, but what? Visitation rights. You already have a plan and they're trying to change it last minute.

(05:01) All of this stuff I've heard from my clients. A lot of stuff going on with holiday drama. So even if it's just been a rough week altogether, give yourself time for you to kind of rejuvenate and remind yourself, look, it's over. Take a breath. I'm safe now. That's important. Just that I'm safe, right? You are safe. Even if your body is triggered and having PTSD, that might feel like it's not safe. So you don't have to fix anybody. You don't have to match anyone's energy. Be like, well, if they're going to be like this, I'm going to be like, that's your choice. But that sucks. You don't want to match their nasty energy. It's the whole point. You don't want to be around them and you just have to stay connected to you, okay? And your child of course, if you have a child with you.

(05:51) So if you want to, in between now and Christmas, if you're a little worried about Christmas and holiday season, I do have openings for one-on-one. I will always have that in the show notes. If you want to check out how to work with me and really customize this journey. I mean, I love all my podcasts and my tips. I know they're helpful. I get emails from you guys saying how helpful they are, and that makes me so, so happy. But if you want true, transformational, long lasting, deeper healing, you really do need to have somebody there with you, whether it's me or somebody else. If you have a great therapist that really knows narcissism, congratulations. That's amazing. I have a lot of clients come in to me that say, I just can't find a therapist that really gets it. And they know I get it.

(06:45) Obviously I get this stuff. So I would love to work with anyone who is not currently living. If you are in a situation and you're currently still married, living with the narcissist, I do not take clients on that are still in an unsafe situation. But if you have removed yourself and you are now on that cycle to healing that beautiful journey, congratulations and I do have openings. So we can, if you have any questions, feel free to email me. My email is always in the show notes as well. Alright, you guys have a safe and happy and peaceful Thanksgiving and holiday season. And don't forget to follow my podcast. So you get every episode it. Everyone needs a little queeny podcast. All right, love you guys. See you in the next one.

Episode Summary Thanksgiving with a narcissistic co-parent can feel like a minefield of last-minute schedule changes, emotional manipulation, and attempts to destabilize your peace. In this episode, Christy Jade breaks down exactly how to stay calm, stick to the plan, support your kids, and shut down the holiday chaos narcissists love to create. You’ll learn the top manipulation tactics used during Thanksgiving, how to respond without feeding the drama, and how to regulate your nervous system when the co-parent tries to throw you off balance.

Your Next Step in Healing Work 1:1 with Christy — Coaching + Somatic Healing For survivors navigating high-conflict co-parenting, emotional chaos, or holiday-triggered anxiety, get personalized support, strategy, and nervous system regulation tools.

1-Month Private Coaching https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly

3-Month Transformational Coaching + Somatic Healing https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly

What You’ll Learn This Episode • Why narcissistic co-parents create chaos around holidays • The most common Thanksgiving manipulation tactics • Scripts for shutting down last-minute changes and guilt trips • How to keep the kids emotionally safe during the holiday • A 60-second somatic grounding tool you can use anywhere • How to stay centered even when the co-parent is unpredictable

Get My Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts Scripts that help you shut down manipulation, stop JADE-ing, and communicate with confidence. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-fast-37/

Grab the Boundaries Pocket Guide (Free!) Your quick-start guide to setting boundaries without guilt. https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Join the Facebook Community Connect with other women healing from narcissistic abuse https://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:00):

If Thanksgiving with your narcissistic co-parent feels like waiting for a bomb to go off the last minute schedule changes, the guilt trips, just the chaos in general, this episode is your comb before the storm plan. I'm going to give you the exact tools to help you keep your peace, your power, and those little kiddos protected no matter what. They try this holiday, have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear. Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the  place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice, and had to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted.

(01:00) Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there. And let's cue your royal glow up. Hello, gorgeous. It's Christie. And today we are diving into the biggest stress point for so many of my listeners around this time of year Thanksgiving with a narcissistic. They come out when it is holiday season, so Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, all the major holidays around here. It'll be kind of relevant to all of them, but we'll definitely do another episode as Christmas and Hanukkah approach. But listen, the Turkey isn't the only thing that gets roasted this time of year. So do your nerves if you've got a narc in your life, am I ?

(02:01) Am I ? See what I did there? Al, so every November I get that he changed the pickup time again. He wants to switch days without asking. He's using the holiday to get to me. He's guilt tripping the kids about who they love more. This all comes up because it's holiday time, So if this is you, you are not alone, you're not crazy, and you are not powerless. Today we are going to break down how to handle the last minute chaos, the emotional manipulation, and the holiday drama that narcissistic co-parents love to create without sacrificing your mental health or your peace. So let's get into it. So why do narcissists love the holiday drama? If you've noticed that the narcissist to co-parent gets worse around Thanksgiving, you are not imagining that. See the holidays amplify the things narcissists crave most. Are you ready? What do we know They love Attention.

(03:07) Yes. Control power. Double up a stage to play the victim or the hero and opportunities to create conflict. Thanksgiving gives them the perfect setup for the manipulative behavior because it has all of these parts. It's got schedules, expectations, family dynamics, your kids' emotions, traditions, logistics and deadlines. So these are tools in their little crappy toolbox and they create chaos to throw you off those schedules, those expectations they know you lean on. Ooh, they want you to not have the power to throw you off. They love confusing you, same sort of thing. And they also want to test your boundaries. And they love nothing more than what Getting an emotional reaction. You guys know that. They also do it to feel important. They're like, Ooh, look at all the chaos. It just helps them feel better in a sick way and it keeps you in panic mode and they love all those things.

(04:25) So understanding this is that first step to taking your control back again. Okay, so what are three of the most common Thanksgiving manipulation tactics? The last minute schedule change. They'll say, I need an extra hour. I'm running late. Actually I want them in the morning. Instead, plans are changed. Just deal with it. This is not poor planning. This is power. It's always power, ? The second one is the guilt trip or hero complex combo. So they'll try, if you cared about the kids, you'd let me, blah, blah, blah. I'm just trying to make Thanksgiving special. Or you are being difficult. They love a good flip around translation. I need to be the hero. So let me control the day. And the third common Thanksgiving manipulation is the kids as messengers move, this one gets under my skin. You too. They'll send emotional bombs through the children.

(05:32) So something like daddy's so sad he can't see you all day, but mommy wouldn't let you stay or daddy wishes that he didn't have to share, ? If you're doing this, by the way at all, any of this, don't do it. Okay? I know we can have our moments as well. So make sure, and I know you're not a narcissist, but don't pick up. It's hard. I won't get into this in this episode, but it is a good episode. I should probably do about just almost like the getting back at or tit for tatting never fall into their trap, but any guilt trip to the kids, never, ever, ever do this. So something like daddy wishes he didn't have to share, but I do. Okay? It's not healthy, but they do it and they do it a lot. So this puts the kids in the emotional crossfire, which is not okay, but you can respond without adding fuel and we'll get there too.

(06:34) So then the calm confidence response plan. So we have some scripts included in this. You love a good script. I do. Good. Stick around. Stick with Christie here. Al, so boundary. Skip for a last minute schedule. Change something like this. Thanks for letting me know. We'll stick to the parenting agreement. I'll see you at 11 o'clock or whatever the scheduled time is. You can say the scheduled time. 11:00 AM ? Put it in writing. If you guys have not gotten this in your heads yet, put everything in writing. Everything in writing. Preferably use Family wizard or some third party app that your attorney or anyone else, the courts, if they need access, everything is recorded in one place. But anyway, keep it short, neutral, no emotions. If you get anything out of all my podcast, keep your emotions out of it and no openings for them to counter, ?

(07:35) It's just like, oh, thanks for letting me know, but we're going to stick to the plan, the parenting agreement. See you at 11, no opening. We're not negotiating. Not with the terrorist. Al? And a boundary script. If they push again, because we know our arcs, the plan is already set. I'll see you at the agreed time. A boundary script for guilt trips. I'm not discussing this. Please keep communication to logistics only boundary script for kids as messengers, which we again say a big hell no response for that. I'll communicate directly with you. Please don't give the kids messages meant for adults. Okay? And again, put these all in writing if possible. If you're face-to-face, you also can use them verbally. But these send a clear message. I'm not playing your holiday games. Okay, Rudolph, stay in your lane, stay in your damn lane. Okay? So let's add a little 62nd nervous system reset for holiday moments.

(08:44) And I'll probably be doing the Thrive five along these lines, but maybe you're not going to have time to watch, to have time to listen to Thursday's show because it'll be Thanksgiving. I'll probably post it Wednesday night. Maybe I will actually post it that night. That's a good idea. So then if you do have time Wednesday, you can listen to it before the big Turkey day. I'll do a thrive in five for that. Okay? So that's the plan for you guys. Okay? Change of plans on my end. I'm like a narc on Thanksgiving. Changing plans last minute. Al? So if you start to feel your chest tighten in these moments, your stomach drop or your brain spinning, do this. Okay, let's call it a holiday grounding reset. Shall we give it a little fun? Tinsel first, plant your feet and feel the floor. If you can take your shoes off, really feel grounded, then exhale longer than you inhale.

(09:45) So you're inhaling maybe two seconds in, two, one out, 4, 3, 2, 1. Then we do the five visual things around you name 'em. So you're looking around palm tree fan curtain, red shirt, chipped nails. I got to get a manicure. Okay? That keeps you in the present. Then you're going to place your hand on your heart and you're going to tell you all sexy old body, you are safe. I am here. You are not alone, okay? You're never alone. You got the big GOD with you. And if you're not a God believer, whatever, whoever, however, I'm a big God person, so I love having God with me at all times. You could be like, I got Christy Jade and her queen ass crown with me. Okay? You are safe. I'm here. You're not alone. You always got yourself and either God or creepy Christy with her crown.

(10:53) I don't know why I'm there with you. Things just got weird. Al? So this works because you're bringing your nervous system out of the threat mode, which is exactly where narcissists tried to push you, ? They want you there feeling just rattled. And you are going to be, believe me, you will work with me. You're going, you're going to get real close to getting unrattled barely ever. And then maybe never. Yay. We love that. All ? And then the kids need one regulated parent. So this has to be you. It can and it will. Even if that's not  this second, that's fine. Okay? You have time. We'll get there. Even if the co-parent acts up, even if the schedule changes, even if they try to guilt trip the kids, you can and should be the emotional anchor in your home. And it sucks being the bigger person.

(11:53) But here we are, you have been chosen, okay, speaking of that big man upstairs, thanks God for choosing us to be the bigger people. Such an easy job, al? But when you stay steady, your kids feel steady. When you regulate yourself, the kids regulate faster, they learn from you. When you refuse to take the bait from that narc, the drama fizzles out quicker. And that's good for everybody. And you cannot control the narcissist behavior, but you can control your energy, your boundaries, and your peace. And that is what changes the entire holiday. So if the holidays are brutal with a narcissistic, this is exactly the work I do with my one-on-one clients. The nervous system support the scripts, the strategy, the healing, all the goodness. So my spots are very limited, and that means that's because emotionally I put everything into my clients. If you're a client of mine, you're probably like, yep, that's true.

(13:06) I will go above and beyond. So I put a lot of myself into this coaching and somatic healing. So I do open spots in my schedule, but I only take on a certain amount of clients at a time.  now, I have had an influx, a lot of ongoing clients, so three month clients. So that means that I have a couple spots open. And in January, I think in January, one spot opens up unless they continue on, which often my clients do after the three months. But just saying, if you're interested in working with me in December, let me know. Some of you, I had someone reach out asking about January already. You can do that too though. If you want to sign up, but you feel like the holidays, it's too chaotic, whatever, email me, let me know. We will figure out a little plan and put you on.

(14:06) We can not put you on the schedule in January, but we can talk and leave it open. So I will let you know when time opens up and we can put you on the schedule that way. So really, if you want that nervous system support and the scripts that are personalized to you in your situation and just trying to understand the narcissist, some of you are still kind of working that out. But then the somatic healing is where this magic, epic, crazy mind blowing work comes I every single time, which is almost every, I would say 98% of my calls, I do some sort of somatic healing. It is just indescribable amazing work. It's why I do what I do now because the shifts that come so quickly in people is beautiful and it feels like magic. I mean, that sounds hokey. And I'm not saying magic in the woo woo magic which way I'm saying magic in a God way, a spiritual way.

(15:14) It's magic because, and our bodies are magic. The body remembers trauma and your brain and your body are not always in sync. So you can mentally even kind of rewrite some things and be like, I know that. I know that it wasn't my fault and I've pushed the guilt away. But deep down, you still are carrying guilt that is physically weighing your shoulders down or has you in knots in your stomach, or anytime you see their name, it triggers you as if you're still living with that person. These are the things we work on. And if you want more information, there's always information in my show notes. So you can click on the links there to get more information. If you want to sign up, you can sign up. But if you want to just read more about it before you sign up, it goes into more detail.

(16:06) And you can always email me and my emails in the show notes too. Fierce Mama C at Gmail. That's , I'm fierce, I'm a mama and I'm C and I'm ready to work with you. Let's go change some lives. And you guys, I have news for you. I've got news and I'll tell you my news. Are you ready for it? Are you still waiting? Are you still here on the edge of your seat? I have finished the first pass of my book, which is going to be about yes, narcissistic abuse recovery because duh, ? But it's going to have my queen flavor in it. This won't be a boring book. This is going to be a sassy educational but glittery empowering book. And I'm so excited, so excited. I am going to add a little more flavor to it. I was focusing on the content.

(17:06) My first pass, it has a little of me of course naturally, but I'm going to try to stylize it just a touch more. And then I am going to, I've been in touch with a couple editors, reach out to a couple more. I'm trying to go big mama's going, big mama's reaching out to editors that are maybe out of my league. But I believe God wants this book to impact a lot of people. And I believe in my work and you guys are so amazing and I want more people like you to be able to be helped and make it in not such a stale. I want it to be not fun, but we have fun, don't we? Clients out there. We have some fun a little bit.

(17:56) This is really empowering work and I want it to be uplifting and I want this book to be. It is uplifting and making women feel empowered and sparkly and knowing their truth and re-identifying themselves. It's going to be a great book. And so I'm really excited. And if you know an editor that's amazing and you want to recommend anyone, I never know what contacts I have on here, please email me. So I am looking for a developmental editor first to just make sure all the loose ends are tied up. And I'd really love to get it published in 2026. I don't know if that's over aspirational, but I'm a quick lady. They don't call me a bunny for no reason, okay? I'm bunny with a crown. So that's just something really exciting I wanted to share with you guys and I hope that you will all enjoy reading it.

(18:59) I think you will. I can't wait till it's just printed and in my hands and bookstores. It's just going to be amazing. Al, so look, Thanksgiving back to the content at hand here. Thanksgiving does not have to be a battlefield with an arc. It seems like it does, ? But it's not going to ever be perfect and flowy like you're dealing with a healthy human. But you are allowed to keep things simple. Stick to the plan, protect your peace and your children's peace. Refuse their manipulation. Have a nice holiday and choose the calm over the chaos. You got to really start seeing the chaos for what it is from a zoomed out lens. Say that's chaos. How can I avoid being in the chaos? Don't take the bait, don't be emotional. Do a 92nd, even a ten second body, calm down. Reminding yourself, this is always motivation for me.

(19:58) I want my daughter to have peace. So calm the F down. You little crazy Italian woman inside in there. Okay? Do you have a little crazy Italian in you too? Al, so this here, your mantra is their chaos is not my responsibility. It doesn't have to have anything to do with you. And if it gets too chaotic, you can walk the hell out, whatever you got to do or walk away, ? You've got this and I am here.  here cheering you on. Okay? So I will see you in the next episode. I will post that Wednesday. I don't know exactly what time, but I will try to do it maybe on the earlier side. Maybe I can post it Tuesday night. Yeah, that sounds like a plan. So sparkle, sparkle up. Okay, enjoy your Turkey and your mashed potatoes and your stuffing. My favorite, I think, I don't know.

(20:57) I don't even care about the Turkey. Don't hurt me. It's that stuffing in the mashed potatoes for me. I love them both. It equally. Maybe stuffing a hair more. I have potatoes so much more throughout the year, so it's kind of like stuffings a little special. I should do an episode on stuffing. No, but email me and tell me your favorite side on Thanksgiving, acquiring wines mines. Want to know? I also make my own cranberry sauce is delectable. So also come join my private Facebook group with all of us sexy and narc abuse survivors. Yes, we bring it there. So that's a private group. It's private, which I love. So you can join that. That link is also in the show notes and if you want to share it there, maybe I'll do a little post and say what side do you love? And people will be like, what does this have to do with narcissistic abuse? And I'll say absolutely nothing. This is my a DD squirrel brain thinking about stepping. I'm going to go do it now so I don't forget. Okay? Al, love you guys. See you on Wednesday rather than Thursday this week for a special Thrive in five. Don't forget to follow my podcast. Love you. Bye.

 

Episode Summary If you’re stuck in obsessive or intrusive thoughts after dealing with a narcissist, you’re not broken — your nervous system is reacting to past trauma and ongoing triggers. In this short somatic episode, you’ll learn a simple 90-second reset that interrupts the mental loop, calms your body, and brings you back into the present.

Designed specifically for survivors who can’t fully go no contact or who are dealing with co-parenting, post-separation abuse, or unpredictable communication.

What You’ll Learn

• Why narcissist-triggered thoughts become obsessive

• How trauma-bond withdrawal and hypervigilance fuel spirals

• The 90-second grounding method that stops the loop

• A fast orienting technique that pulls you out of overthinking

• How to reduce reactivity and calm your nervous system in real time

Your Next Step in Healing Work 1:1 with Christy — Coaching & Somatic Healing

1-Month Private Coaching (Nervous System Reset & Support) https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly

3-Month Transformational Coaching (Deep Healing + Identity Rebuild) Weekly sessions + Voxer support. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly

Empowered Boundaries Course 10 video modules + meditation bundle. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries

Paid Resource: Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts Instant responses that stop panic and overthinking. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/

Free Resource: Boundaries Pocket Guide https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Join the Free Facebook Community https://facebook.com/groups/christyjade

TRANSCRIPT:

Speaker 1 (00:03):

Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to take a breath queen. This one's for you Queen. If you're brain has been running like a hamster on Red Bull since Tuesday's episode, today's Thrive in five is your reset button. And if you did not listen to Tuesday's episode, you may want to also go listen to that, that goes into this way deeper and we'll be very, very helpful to you. Alright, so today though, we have a mini practice that takes under five minutes. So no excuses why you can't use it. And it uses the same loop breaking tools from the full episode Tuesday, but it's condensed into a little tiny, repeatable nervous system ritual you can use. Anytime those thoughts start spiraling. Okay, so let's get you back into your peace bubble. Alright, so step one, the statement that stops the spiral. Okay, say this out loud or in your mind, I'm a big speaker, but you know that I have a podcast, I like to talk out loud. Alright? But you can say it in your mind if you'd like repeat after me. This thought is not a warning, it's a leftover survival response.

(01:34) So this is a great episode by the way, to save. So you have this and or also write this down in a journal on a sticky note. But with this specific sentence statement, you're letting your brain know this is old danger, not now. Our body is holding something onto something that it feels is reality. Okay? So we're kind of rewiring here. Step two, this is the 92nd reset. So you can place your hand on your heart and you're going to inhale through the nose for four seconds. Practice if you'd like 4, 3, 2, 1, then exhale, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. And you repeat this for a full minute and a half, okay? And this lengthened exhale tells your nervous system we are safe. Stand down, stand down, everybody, we are safe. Okay, now step three, the orienting practice. If you've been following me, you may have heard of this already, but we're stacking this alongside the breathing and the statement, right?

(02:56) So this is about 30 seconds. You're going to look around and name five things that you can see. Okay? You're going to check out, oh, that's me in the mirror. I have a mirror in my room. There I am, boom, looking like a queen. My ballerina statue, a picture of me and my husband. Makes my heart all warm and fuzzy. My pineapple pillow. Who else likes pineapples? And let's see what else we got my palm tree painting. So look around for five items in your room. It could even just be your wall and you're just looking at the texture. Whatever is going to pull you into the present moment, your safety present moment, right? So step four, stop the future fantasy. So when your brain jumps to what if they use this line, because I know we do that cycling in our brains. What if they do this? What if they do that? What if they say this? You've got to be able to know you can handle it and you are going to repeat after me. Of course you can write this down, but we're just practicing. We're saying it out loud. We're in our mind because it helps. Alright, I'll handle it if it happens.

(04:20) Right now I'm here. This ends the mental rehearsal. Your system is stuck in. And step five, the post contact detox, right? Because you know when you have contact with them, you need to just shed that shiz out the door. So after any contact, whether it be text, email, a drop off, seeing their name, do one tiny detox. You can pick one of these. You can shake out your arms, you can take a 10 minute walk, you can put on some Britney Spears or brain dump, just two sentences into your little notes app or somewhere, somewhere private. And this prevents their energy from marinating up in your body all day. Nobody needs that narky energy. Gross. Okay? So I hope that you enjoyed this and are getting value. If you are getting value from these episodes, can you share them with someone who could also use the value?

(05:33) That's always fun. And make sure you're following along on the podcast. Whatever platform you're on, make sure you hit that follow button on my main page, you just go right to my main page and there should be a follow. So you can't always go no contact, right? But you can go no access. This is emotionally, mentally, spiritually. You can still have control of that. The more of this type of work you do, every time you interrupt that loop, you're teaching your body, this is not an emergency anymore. Isn't that great? This is not an emergency we have, oh that sense of urgency. This is not an emergency anymore, this is not urgent anymore. And that's when your peace starts expanding and you get that golden bubble just burst in with joy. Alright? So if you want to learn not just how to deal with a narcissist, of course that is where my coaching comes in.

(06:33) But we also do the somatic healing parallel to that. And what does that look like? That is healing from the inside. Like I said, that body remembers everything and stores it. So even when your mind may understand something, your body can get stuck. And PTSD is a good example of that with veterans. They know they're not at war anymore, but their body thinks they are similar mechanism. So if you want help either with the tangible things I deal with a lot, I've been dealing with a lot of co-parenting situations, currently divorces all of that. Or I have a client who just needs help navigating her mother who is narcissistic. They come in all shapes and sizes and relationships. So how do you deal with them if you cannot go no contact? That's my specialty. And then even if you aren't in contact with them anymore, whether you are for co-parenting or they're kind of in your life a little bit, or you have not spoken to them in a year, but you still have thoughts or you still just feel like you have that urgency in general, there's a lot of effects that narcissistic abuse can have on you even after you have left.

(07:56) So we work on that somatic healing, you might get more of that somatic healing. So these are all programs customized to your needs. And I have a monthly program and I have a three month program and both are amazing of course. But the three month is, there's a little more support in between. You can do a walkie talkie app called Voxer if you haven't heard of it, where you can text or leave voice messages and I'll check that daily. I get back to you within usually like 12 hours. Might be up to 24 depending on my schedule. So you can have a little support in between. So that's kind of the bonus of doing the three month and that's really transformational, okay? Because a queen, but we want you to be a double queen. We're going to be double queen energy, alright? Because you deserve that joy and to feel free from all of this and I can help you. So check out the show notes for more information on that and I will see you in the next episode. Love you. Bye

Episode Summary

If your mind keeps replaying every conversation, argument, or manipulation, you’re not broken — your nervous system is stuck in protection mode. In this episode, Christy Jade explains why obsessive thoughts happen after narcissistic abuse and the exact steps to interrupt the loop so you can finally reclaim your mental space.

If you feel mentally hijacked, constantly analyzing them, or exhausted from thoughts you don’t want, this episode will show you how to break the cycle and come back to yourself.

What You’ll Learn

• Why obsessive thinking is a normal trauma response

• How trauma bonding and hypervigilance keep the loop alive

• What your brain is trying to protect you from

• How to interrupt intrusive thoughts without relying on willpower

• Somatic tools to regulate your nervous system

• How to restore clarity and stop overthinking

Your Next Step in Healing Work 1:1 with Christy — Coaching and Somatic Healing

For survivors who are stuck in loops, overwhelmed, or ready to finally rebuild peace and self-trust with real support and structure.

1-Month Coaching (Private Support & Nervous System Reset) https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly

3-Month Coaching (Deep Healing, Identity Rebuild, Full Transformation) https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly

Paid Resource: Copy-Paste-Peace Scripts

If overthinking or panic about how to respond is feeding your mental spiral, these scripts stop it instantly. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/

Empowered Boundaries Course

10 video modules, meditation bundle, and lifetime access. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries

Free Resource: Boundaries Pocket Guide

https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Join the Free Facebook Community

https://facebook.com/groups/christyjade

 

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:00):

Mama, if you've tried journaling, blocking, deleting, praying, meditating, and you still cannot stop thinking about the narcissist, especially when you can't go no contact because of the kids, court, family, or finances, this episode is going to be a little lifeline for you. Okay? I'm going to break down why your brain won't let go, and the steps to stop the obsessive thoughts. Calm that cute little nervous system of yours and reclaim your peace. Remember your peace bubble. You know about that? Yeah. We want to get your peace bubble on, okay? Even if you're still in contact like frequently. Okay, here we go.

(00:46) Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear. Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice, and had to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck, and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up.

(01:44) All right, Queens, let's go there. Alright, you're not obsessed, you're not weak, you're not crazy. Well, maybe a little crazy, but the good crazy, like my kind of crazy. I like your crazy. Okay, alright. Your brain is actually doing exactly what a brain does when it's been trapped in a cycle of trauma plus unpredictability. Okay? So here's what's happening. We're going to do the queen breakdown. Number one, the threat detector part of your brain. It's still on patrol, it's still out there with its shield, with its sword, it's ready. So when you have to share a child, a house, a calendar school event, your brain is scanning, what will their mood be like today? Will they explode? Will they pull something? This is hypervigilance, and it's not like your character flaw, it's just survival mode, what you've been conditioned to do. Number two, your nervous system is addicted to the pattern, so it's not addicted to them.

(02:51) This is a misconception. You're not really addicted to them. You have been, again, kind of conditioned to be addicted to the cycle, the anticipation, the crash, the tiny breadcrumbs of calm that can happen here and there. Your body learned to stay ready. So that leads us to number three, this lack of closure that keeps that loop spinning, right? That addictive loop. So narcissists don't give real endings. They don't give apologies, especially legit ones. They might really fake it. They don't give ownership accountability, and they sure as hell don't give the truth. So your brain keeps searching for what it never got and it is still not getting. Number four, if you cannot go no contact, that loop resets every single time they pop up One email, one we need to talk, one school event where they walk in like a ghost of drama past. Oh, you feel that?

(04:13) Feel the holidays coming. Yeah, you're going to feel 'em big time. You got a narc. We'll definitely do an episode about that. But then boom, the cycle restarts. You are not imagining this. This is a biological reason that you can't shut it off F. So why just ignoring them doesn't really work for you. A lot of advice online is for people who get to go no contact. I've even shared episodes at that, right? It's a great thing if you can do that. But for most survivors, I would say at least 90% of my clients now, maybe more now, actually, you are living with them while separating. Maybe you're dealing with maybe a narcissistic parent. So even if you're not co-parenting, there could be this reason you can't disconnect. Totally. Maybe you're stuck in the same town, the same friendship circle, the same court system, the same school.

(05:26) Let me say this clearly, you cannot regulate your nervous system by pretending danger is not danger. You regulate it by understanding what's happening inside of you and giving your body a different experience. Which brings us to drum roll. That's my really sad attempt at a drum roll. Can you hear it? Okay, how to stop the obsessive thoughts, the brain loop breakers. So, alright, loop breaker number one, give your brain a script. Your brain like mine hates uncertainty. So what are we going to do? We're going to give it certainty, ladies, okay? Try this phrase. This thought is not a warning, it's a leftover survival response. This thought is not a warning. It's not like a reality warning, right? It's a leftover survival response. And so you can repeat that every time the intrusive thought hits and you're teaching your brain, this is old danger, not current danger.

(06:40) This isn't my current reality, right? Loop breaker number two, the 92nd nervous system reset, baby. This is quick, right? 90 seconds, we all have 90 seconds. It's gentle and it works. Okay? So number one, put your hand to your heart. Two exhale longer than you inhale, right? You inhale four seconds in, and then you're going to exhale six seconds out. So you're really expelling that breath. And then three, look around the room and name five things you can see. Look at my beautiful palm tree. Look at my beautiful palm tree pajamas. Do you notice a pattern? I like palm trees. Oh, palm tree comforter. I'm not lying, you guys. Alright, so you get the idea though. You're looking around finding five things and this tells your brain we are not with the narcissist right now. We're safe.

(07:42) We're in Palm Beach, baby. Okay, now, loop breaker number three. This is the micro no contact method. So even when you can't go full, no contact, you can create these little predictable micro boundaries. These kind of like rules. Boundaries only respond at certain times, only respond through one channel. Many of my clients, if you're listening, you're like, yeah, here Christie is, we've heard these before, right? Keep it simple. Only use short factual sentences. Do not take the bait, do not get emotional. Do not fall into their traps of oversharing your information. They don't need it. Short, factual sentences, no emotional explanations. Let's highlight that. They want your emotions. They can use them against you later. It's one of their favorite pastimes and present times if you let it be. Don't. And no jade is in this so beautiful, but this is my name, right? Christy Jade, huh?

(08:51) And it can stand for no justifying JA for arguing. No arguing. D, for defending. Do not defend yourself. You have no reason to and no explaining. You don't need to explain shizz. Okay? So Jade, justify, argue, defend, explain. Don't do none of 'em. So this cuts down the emotional activation and the mental replay. Isn't that beautiful? So beautiful. Alright, in our last loop breaker number four. Last but not least, interrupt the fantasy. We don't just obsess over what happened. We obsess over what might happen, what they could do next, what we should have said, right? I do all those things. I've done all those things. I currently don't do them. I'm not saying I never do. Look, we're never perfect, okay? We are never fully a thousand percent healed. I'm going to throw that out there. So we all have our moments, but this is something, it can be literally night and day still.

(09:58) Okay? So we want to get rid of these constantly worrying about what might happen and what I could have done or what could happen next. When you catch your brain running all these future episodes, use this line. We'll handle that. If it happens right now I'm here. It's kind of like cross the bridge, baby, cross that golden bridge. We'll handle it if it happens, and you know I'm going to bring God into this, right? Let's have a God moment together. God's handling it and God will help me handle it if and when it needs to be handled. Right now, I'm here in the present in my truth, right this second. It brings you back into that present moment and that's where your power actually is. So how to calm your nervous system when you still have to deal with them. Well, here are your real world Christie approved tools.

(11:05) Number one, we're going to create a pre-contract ritual. So before you respond to a message or see them in person, do one grounding exercise. It trains your brain and your body not to panic at the sound of their name. You'll see over time, the more you do it that the more you won't have that visceral reaction. Okay? One grounding. I have a bunch of episodes with all sorts of grounding techniques, but you can always email me if you'd like. Help with that. My email's always in the show notes. And two, create a post contact detox. Okay? Yeah, you want to shake that nasty dark energy off of your queen body. Okay? So something little. It doesn't have to be crazy. You could take a 10 minute walk, a warm shower, shake out your arms. I love a good arm shake. Okay? I might look crazy, but I feel good music, right?

(12:04) Your favorite jams a brain dump note if you're like to write stuff down, okay? Otherwise, all that toxic crap stays in your body for hours, maybe years, and you do not look cute in toxicity. Okay? I am sorry you don't, nobody does. Don't take offense. Alright? And then three, limit their access. Even if they don't know it, you decide when you read the messages. This is the training that can be hard to redo this. And this is where my work with you one-on-one really comes into play, right? We are going to rewire that so you can do this work so you can decide and stick to your boundaries. When you read messages, when you reply, what you reply, how much space you give, this is where you get your power back, getting that control back. So you get to say, I'm only going to read their messages at 3:00 PM every day.

(13:02) Obviously if they have your kid, you might want to just read it to make sure everything's okay. But when you have your kid in your possession, you don't need to be checking if they're sending 50 messages a day about bs. No thank you. And you get to decide when you reply. If you have court papers that say you must reply within 24 hours, okay, there you go. But outside of legalities, you get to decide. Okay? And then finally, build a safety identity. Start telling yourself, I'm a woman who protects her peace every day as every boundary, every calm response, you become the version of you who's no longer reactive, you're grounded, you're clear, and not available for the chaos. Can you say, I'm not available for the chaos? Please tell me, come on. That's right, you're not. Okay, so we're getting wrapped up here. I know this is kind of longer episode. Oh, it's actually not. It feels so long. I guess I'm jamming a lot in here. Wow, it's only 13 minutes so far, you guys, you could listen to it twice. Alright, so the truth you need to hear, the goal is not to become immune to them overnight.

(14:23) It's to become less reactive, less activated, less available. I love that one. Less attached. You're still attached if you're having these issues and less mentally occupied. I know that's a huge one for you guys and I've been there. You want them out of your dang brain and every little shift is healing. And when you train your brain and your body to stop treating them like an emergency, can we say that again? When you train your brain and your body to stop treating them like an emergency, that's the problem here, right? That's the big holdup. The obsession fades and your peace expands soon. You might not even need that golden peace bubble around you. You'd be like, I am peace Emma. Okay? And you finally become the version of you that the narcissist never wanted you to meet. And they don't want to meet her either.

(15:28) That's right. Come at me, bro. Okay, comment. Christie, I need to use a grounding tool. Alright? So if this episode felt like someone finally is explaining what's happening in your body and your brain, you're not alone. And you are very capable of breaking these cycles. So don't listen to anyone saying you're damaged forever or Oh, I don't want to hear it. We are queens and we are absolutely capable of breaking these cycles and yes, more quickly than you think. It's with some slow titrated work, but the transformations that my clients have are insane. So again, you want to do one-on-one work. Go to my show notes, click the different ways we can work together one-on-one. The most transformational epic shit that will happen in your life. Yeah, I'm getting excited. Yeah, I'm biased. Is my three month transformational coaching? It's not just coaching, it is coaching mixed with.

(16:35) And that's really like we are going through how to deal with the narcissist themselves, how to deal with you, your nervous system, what tools, it's all the tangibles and methods. And then we have the somatic healing aspect, which is it's mind blowing work that you can't really explain until you've done it. You can try. I have tried, but the level of depth and how amazing it is is really hard to describe. But it is healing from the body are sometimes I call 'em soul cas. We go on just a beautiful calm little soul cas. Other times if you're having pain or tension, we will sit with that and we will resolve that. I mean, I can tell you anytime I've had a client coming in with pain that can be manifested from emotional things, we have always lessened it, if not completely gone because everything is tied together.

(17:39) So I'm just telling you, it is amazing work. And these are tools, both the more tangible things and the energetic somatic things we do are tools you can use yourself, you can take with you and you can teach your children. You are breaking cycles and passing along tools that are going to change the world. Yep, I said it. They're going to change. Now if everyone did this, oh there would be no war. Everyone would hold hands and smile and have rainbows and bunnies all day. Yep. Alright. That means it's Christie's overtired time. I am recording this at night and I am a little tired and when I'm tired sometimes I sing weird songs. Alright, so you get the point here, right? You want to work one-on-one, really transform, sign up for the three month transformational coaching. I also have a monthly option. Both are going to get you epic results with the three month.

(18:45) There is the bonus of you get to have video, not video. That'd be a lot. I love you guys. Not that much. No, I'm just kidding. In between, you can do audio recordings or text on the Voxer app. It's like a walkie-talkie app. It is free. It's kind of like WhatsApp I guess. And you get that in between calls so you get the support. So this is for people who really are ready for this work, ready to do this and just want to take their life back. So if that's you, sign on up. I'm so excited to help any of you. This is why I'm here. So that it is my baby. I have a course, a boundaries course, you can buy that too. My baby is my one-on-one transformational three month shit that just I get so excited for because the work we do is sacred.

(19:46) So yes, come hit or I do not have tons of spots open. So if you want that, there are limited spots because I have limited time, obviously it takes a lot of time. And these are hour long video calls every week. And then I email you and sometimes we have plans or different, sometimes I will look at your divorce documents. I'm there for that kind of support too. I'm not an attorney, but I will give advice and I will tell you what to ask your attorney. Stuff like that. So it runs the gamut. Alright? So check out those things in the show notes and join my Facebook community for that little daily support. You can talk to each other in there. And your piece is not only possible, it's inevitable when you learn how to protect it with your little golden bubble. Alright? So I will see you in the next episode. Remember, Thursdays episodes are always related to Tuesdays, but they're just these little bite-sized somatic healing episodes. And don't forget to follow the podcast, whatever platform you're listening so you don't miss out on any of my episodes because there is so much fun here. I mean, who knew you could have fun healing from narcissistic abuse? This guy did. This girl. Excuse me. All right, love you guys. See you the next one.

Episode Summary

If your partner is healing from narcissistic abuse and you want to support her without triggering past trauma, this episode gives you the essential steps to show up as the safe, steady partner she needs. Today, I’m breaking down what survivors carry into new relationships, the communication shifts that help her feel secure, and the practical ways to be a grounded, supportive partner — especially if her past involved narcissistic or toxic relationships.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode

• Why loving a survivor can feel different (and why it’s not your fault)

• The nervous system patterns survivors often bring into new relationships

• How the wrong type of “space” can trigger abandonment fears

• The power of time-stamped reassurance (and how to use it)

• Validation vs. problem-solving — and why survivors need both in the right order

• What NOT to do when she shuts down, spirals, or becomes hypervigilant

• How healthy, steady love rewires her sense of safety

Your Next Step in Healing

If this episode helped you understand your partner — or helped you feel seen in your own healing — and you want deeper support, I offer private 1:1 coaching to help women rebuild emotional safety, boundaries, peace, and self-trust after narcissistic abuse.

You’re not meant to navigate this alone. You deserve support built for your nervous system and your season of healing.

Work With Christy Monthly Coaching and Somatic Healing

A powerful month of private support to help you break patterns, rebuild self-trust, regulate your nervous system, and make real movement in your healing. Includes: weekly 1:1 sessions, tailored tools, and coaching support between calls. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/

Quarterly Coaching and Somatic Healing

Three months of deep transformation designed to help you rise, rebuild, and create lasting internal safety. Includes: weekly 1:1 sessions + unlimited Voxer support between calls for ongoing guidance, integration, and nervous system co-regulation. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

 

"Copy.Paste.Peace." Scripts

Get the exact boundary, communication, and nervous-system-safe scripts you need for co-parenting, texting, conflict, and more. https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/copy-paste-peace-scripts/

Free Resources Boundaries Pocket Guide 

Quick-reference boundary scripts, grounding tools, and communication lines you can use today. https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Join the Private Facebook Community

Connect with other women healing from narcissistic abuse in a safe, supportive space. https://www.facebook.com/groups/2420729361374989

Listener Request

If you want a Part 2 specifically for partners — or an episode on how women can learn to receive healthy love after abuse — send me a message and let me know. I’d love to create exactly what you need.

 

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:00):

Hello. This episode is for Queens and Kings, and if you are a regular listener, it could get some insight into you and what you need for you. But this was created specifically for partners of someone who has gone through narcissistic abuse or just toxic relationships in general, right? So thank you to the listener who wrote in, I don't know if he is a listener, but he knows of me somehow and wrote in asking for information on how to support his partner. That is someone who is recovering and healing from narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships. So hats off just the fact he wrote in shows so much. So thank you for all the super supportive partners out there, right? So if you are that partner after the narcissist or a friend or someone who just wants to know how to help people who have gone through this abuse, you're the safe one, the steady one, the one that they can finally breathe around or maybe should be able to finally breathe around, right? This episode is for you loving a woman who's healing from toxic relationships. It is different. I don't want to go say it's, oh, it's so much harder, but it is different and there are specific ways to deal with it. Just like everything else. Everyone has their stuff, so I'd like to call it not harder, but different. And if you want to support her without triggering those old wounds, like I said, you're already a rare kind of person. So let's talk about how to show up for them the right way.

(01:50) Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom, and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice and how to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now, I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up.

(02:48) Alright, Kings and queens, because this can be, if you are just a normal listener of mine, this could be beneficial to you to just understand yourself and what you need a little more too, and what you can relay to your partner. And then if you are a partner, then this is definitely for you. So thank you for taking the time to listen to this. If you are a partner, you get a super king or a queen crown on that lovely nugget of yours. Alright, so this person that wrote in said, how do I support my partner in her healing journey and stating that their ex was in other relationships that were toxic and struggling with triggers and open communication. So how do I support her? So yes, thank you for existing and we appreciate you, but here is the real truth. When you love a woman or a man, I'm going to put this kind of generally out there today because men and women will be listening to this who has survived narcissistic abuse.

(03:53) You're not just dating her, you're dating her nervous system. She has developed a nervous system in survival mode. So it is going to be different. So today I'm going to give you a foundation, what she's carrying, what accidentally may trigger her, what helps and how to show up as that safe, steady partner that she probably has not had in her life. So this is not going to be a deep dive that deserves its own series. So let me know, please email me if you want this to go deeper, if there is a big need for it, I will do more bonus episodes on this, but this is the starting point. So first, why loving her is different. She doesn't walk into the relationship as a blank slate. I mean no one really does, but she really doesn't, right? She has got hypervigilance, a fear of getting in trouble.

(04:55) So imagine living like that all the time. Chronic overexplaining herself, apologizing just for existing, basically fear of conflict, fear of disappointing you and fear that safety is temporary, right? Because she went through love bombing. She went through ups and downs of a narcissist. So even when it felt better, it never lasted. Okay? In her last past relationships, she learned love can turn on you. Affection is unpredictable. You're not always going to get it, and it will be actually kept from you as punishment. Being honest gets you punished. Just stating facts, even if you're not coming at someone in attacking way, will get you punished. And staying quiet is what keeps the peace. Spoiler alert, there's no peace with a narcissist. But at moments, if you stay quiet, that can keep them happy momentarily. There's only moments with narcissists, it's a roller coaster. So when she gets triggered in your relationship, she's not exactly reacting to you.

(06:16) I don't want you to be holding this burden of that part of it. She's reacting to that ghost of a person who has trained her nervous system to be and react how it is. So first, you didn't cause the wound. I don't want you to have to have any guilt, any doubts about yourself, okay? Because your peace and your joy is just as important as hers. So you do need to remember that. And there should be no abuse going on to you just because she went through abuse. So if she's carrying abusive behaviors because she's angry because of what she went through, then that's something she needs to heal. And you should not accept that behavior. But your closeness means you stand where it does get activated. She can get triggered because you in your space and when you guys are having conversations or conflicts.

(07:13) So what does she need most from you after the narcissist? And these are the core pieces that will help her rebuild that trust and safety over time, over time. This is not overnight. I know that's not fun. We want everything yesterday, especially in 2025, but that's just not going to happen here. So you do have to decide, do I have the patience for this? That is something you have to decide, right? This is a long-term thing, and if you're in it, beautiful, you're amazing. Thank you. And if you feel like you want it to be done in a week from now, you should probably evaluate the relationship. Alright? So number one, what she needs, consistency over hero moves. Okay? She doesn't need fixing, she needs predictable. So your calm, steady presence, being there for her when she needs you. And again, you're not sacrificing your whole life for this person and everything, all your interest and your friends.

(08:21) You're not going to isolate yourself like a narcissist does to someone to accommodate. But reassuring goes so far, and we'll get to more of that, but your calm, steady presence heals more than big gestures ever could. Number two, clear and gentle communication. Okay? Ambiguity was used against her in her past relationships. So clarity is so important. You guys, she needs clarity that feels very calm and grounded. So, hey, I'm not upset, I just need to decompress. And by the way, in the next one we're going to talk about getting specific with that, but letting her know, being clear, I'm not upset, I'm not mad at you, I just need to decompress or whatever. Or I want to talk about this. I'm just not regulated right now. Or whatever word you want to use. I know I use therapy wording all the time, but you get me.

(09:23) Okay? So clarity prevents spiraling, and I'm saying she, but obviously this is used for narcissistic abuse victims that can be male as well, or any of those pronouns out there, but I'm so used to saying she for my podcast. That's what I'm sticking to. Alright, number three, here we go. The timestamped reassurance. This is huge, huge for survivors. This is one of the most healing things a partner can offer. So survivors do not just need reassurance, they need certainty tied to a time. And I know that could be a shift for you, but that doesn't have to be a hard shift. I don't think that a sacrifice that that's a compromise. So because when you walk away or pause a conversation without a clear return point, her brain can go into old programming immediately. That can be a trigger too. Oh God, I'm in trouble.

(10:25) Oh God, he's mad at me. Oh god, he's going to leave me. Oh God, I messed everything up. Not because of you or what you're doing, I don't know what accent that was, but because of what she survived, what she went through before, and the fix is pretty simple and very, very healing, it's definitely worth it. Okay? Trust me, instead of I need space, right? That can be a very normal thing. And to someone who doesn't carry this weight from their past, that might be like, okay, fine, I need space too. Whatever, but try this instead. Look, I'm not upset with you. I just need 20 minutes to reset. I'll come back and around four o'clock, okay? Or I'll give you a call at four if you're not together or whatever, right? No, just hanging up. No, not answering her call because you're annoyed, right?

(11:28) They really, really need that reassurance. Even if you pick up and say, look, I really can't talk about this. And even if you are upset, maybe let's say she did do something that did annoy you, you are allowed to have your feelings. So if you are actually upset, you can say, look, I'm upset with this situation, but don't worry, we'll talk about it. I just need to reset. Use the word reset. I just need 20 minutes to reset. I will call you back. Or, alright, let's take a break and talk in an hour. I'm here. We're all right. Even saying we're okay, go so far, or I love you, right? Sticking that in there goes really far too. Look, I love you. I don't want to talk while I'm stressed out, so give me a half hour and then we can talk. But I just want to talk when I'm in a better head space.

(12:30) And again, if you are upset, you can say, I care about us too much to talk from the state. I just don't want to say the wrong thing while I'm in this head space. Okay, let's reconnect it. Three. Okay? So it actually is a very easy fix to get specific, but a lot of people just don't know to do that. And some survivors don't know they do need that until it's shown to them. I have clients that I said, what would it feel like if next time he said, I don't want to talk about this. What if he said that he would call you at 10? She's like, oh, that would feel better. She didn't even know she needed that, right? So the timestamped reassurance gives her predictability, clear expectations, that emotional safety, and most importantly, I think in my opinion, and going through what I have, that connection still feeling connected.

(13:29) When we lose that, when we feel or fear that we have lost connection, just emotional connection that we have, it really freaks us out. And I don't have this anymore. I have gone through the healing and I don't have that trigger anymore, but I definitely did, I'd say with a couple of relationships after my biggest narcissistic relationship, there was definitely that trigger, but that can calm her nervous system instantly because she's like, oh, they're not leaving, I'm not being punished. The conversation isn't just going to disappear and then resentment's going to build and he's going to, I'm out and the relationship is still intact. So this one tool prevents about 80% of survivor spirals. Okay? So alright onto the next, the fourth one, validate first and problem solve later. Okay? They do need validation. So she lived in relationships where her feelings were dismissed, minimized and mocked.

(14:40) Okay? So validation is almost like a medicine, right? I hear you. That makes total sense. Thank you for telling me even if you don't agree with something, thank you for sharing that. Thank you for telling me. Validation doesn't have to mean you agree, it means you care about her experience and she should care about yours as well. Okay? The fifth one, patience with triggers. So I know this can be tough, I get it, but triggers are not, they're not personal. They're survival responses. So really not just knowing that and saying, oh yeah, I know that actually embodying that. You will have to embody that and really deeply accept it. Accepting this is a survival response and it's not personal. It's not personal. So a helpful question is what came up for you just now? Not, I'm not your ex. Why are you acting like I'm your ex? It's not helpful. Sorry guys. It's not helpful. What came up for you just now?

(15:59) You both know it's not about you. And that will soften the conversation. Okay? Number six, space for autonomy. She lived under control, severe control, probably her and encouraging decision making power is very healing. She may be very, depending where she is in her journey, she could be very uncomfortable with making decisions still. So encouraging her and say, Hey, why don't you pick the movie tonight? I trust you. I trust your judgment. Try that. And you got to be patient. It's frustrating, okay? I mean, I love my husband to death. My husband in general is just so laid back. It can be indecisive where I'm like, oh, well, where do you want to go? He's like, oh, I don't really care. And I mean, sometimes he does, he'll be like, oh, I want tacos tonight. But sometimes I feel like I want to make sure he's getting what he wants all the time.

(17:03) So I will say like, oh, what do you want? And he's like, I don't know, whatever. And he's so easygoing and accommodating, and his isn't from trauma past, but it's just his personality. But the same goes here where it's good to encourage anyone to have a voice and let them know that you trust, because some of it can come from insecurity. Someone might be like, I don't want to make the wrong decision, so I'm not going to make any decision. So I trust your judgment. We're going to have fun no matter whatever language, let her decide and be patient because they may sit there and stare at the wall for 10 minutes because they're that paralyzed and that's their trauma. But the more you do that, the more comfortable they get and the more self-trust they build, it's going to go way faster, easier, and it's a beautiful thing.

(18:02) You definitely want it. So you want to have a partner that feels comfortable making decisions. So she may not say it out loud, but inside that sentence, you get to choose and I trust your judgment. Something like that, that is going to really rebuild her. I love it. I love it. So that's a big one. And number seven, slow trust. No pressure. You might, and I am guilty of this just in general with people of being like, oh my God, because you want them to be empowered so much. I have friends that have been in some past, previous past situations and in the earlier points of their healing journey, and sometimes I'm like, oh, don't worry about that. I'm such an empowerment queen, but I have to check myself because their pace isn't a problem. It's protection and healthy love, healthy trust. It doesn't rush.

(19:11) It invites and waits. So we have to say even with friends, but whatever, whoever you're trying to encourage when they've gone through something like this, it is a slow burn. They can speed it up a little with Somatic Healing by Christie, Jade, ever heard of it? It's amazing. But counseling, therapy, coaching with me, somatic healing with me, any of that, you guys will help accelerate the journey, but we don't want to put pressure on these people who are already dealing with a lot. So here we go, what not to do, even if you mean, well, here we go. These are some mistakes supportive partners accidentally make even with good intention.

(20:04) And you wouldn't say just get over it, but there's some people who will say, oh, you just have to move on. Even if you say it nicely. Trauma does not respond to logic. It doesn't respond to, oh, you just got to do X, Y, Z. It's done, right? It's a process. Taking her triggers personally, it's rarely about you. It's about her past trying to fix or rescue her, okay? You are her partner. It's not your job to fix her. There's therapy and me for that, okay? You can recommend a therapist, you can recommend my podcast, recommend working with me to help this along. But it's not your job and it shouldn't be your job for your sake. You need to keep your piece too. So yes, if you want to be a supportive partner, cool. You are not the person who needs to be her therapist and fixer, okay?

(20:56) There's a difference. And then comparing yourself to her ex, it adds pressure and it fuels the shame she already has. So no mentioning of the Xs, okay? And then this one, ah, I just hate this. It has been a huge trigger for me in the past minimizing what happened, right? Just like, oh, don't worry about it. He is not here anymore. You're not with him. Just forget about it. That whole energy, even if you're trying to be helpful, she can't just forget it. That's not something you can just forget. Her body remembers, right? If you guys don't know, I do somatic healing. I heal the body through the body from the body, the body, body. Because the body remembers even when her mind wants to move on, or even when the mind has actually done some healing, the body still doesn't always catch up with the mind.

(21:55) So you can't just forget. Just move on. It is not that simple. Okay? So your role is not to erase her past, it happened, but the beautiful thing you get to do is create a new experience of safety and stability and love and peace for her. And it's not your job. I want to add this. I'm not trying to put all of this stuff on you guys. She has to do her healing journey herself. It's not your responsibility, but if you want to support, these are tips, but you also cannot lose yourself or your peace at the expense of somebody that is very important. So if she's not doing the work or just like, this is just how I am, or there's any abuse going on, that's a different story. And you shouldn't be a part of a toxic situation like that. Okay? All right.

(22:55) So what healthy love does for a survivor, okay? I haven't my husband, I did not know someone like him existed. I will be very honest. I in the beginning felt like I didn't even deserve him. Now I know I'm a great queen. No, but waited for the shoe to drop. I was like, there's no way. There's some person who's this good and this kind and this loving. What's the secret? So we'll talk about what that healthy love does do. So when you love a survivor in a healthy way and show it, you become her nervous systems first experience of peace. And maybe the first time she's really experienced peace, and that is beautiful and it's scary and uncomfortable. I'm thinking back to when I first was with my husband, I almost felt it was boring because those highs and lows were not there. I knew I liked him a lot, but I was like, is this enough for me?

(24:01) It was amazing and steady rather than Eminem and Kim, crazy roller coaster, which now obviously I know that was not healthy, but it might be uncomfortable even for us in the beginning. But you're becoming that peaceful experience. You're teaching her that calm is real, not a trap. The shoe doesn't have to fall off the other foot. It's not love bombing. It's not a mask. You are showing her that love does not punish love doesn't punish. We as survivors have been punished for things we didn't even ever do. We've been punished in horrible ways and we associated that as a normal thing, right? So you're showing her that's not love. You're helping her unlearn fear. You become evidence that safety exists, right? Like I said about my husband, oh my goodness, he's a safe person. I don't have to worry about him flipping out or bashing my head into a wall or strangling me with a telephone wire.

(25:19) That's nice. Is my Barlow okay? And then the last one for that, you help her rebuild a version of herself that the narcissist tried to destroy. This part's so important too. I feel like it deserves its own episode. You helping her, well, supporting her, I don't want to say helping her, you're supporting her. Create her new identity, which is really her oldest identity before the world or the narcissist muddled her all up. The true her, the person she deserves to be, right? You get to support her creation of that. So you don't need to be perfect, okay? You're not going to get all of these, especially at first, but the most important, you need to be a safe place for her to land consistent, safe patient. Okay? So for the women listening, I mean the women survivors, if you're healing from abuse and worry, your trauma makes you too much. Take a breath. Okay? You are not too much. You are not broken. If you're broken, I'm broken and this bitch ain't broke. Okay? Your triggers do not make you unlovable. Can you say that out loud? I need to hear you all the way in the back. Need to hear your triggers do No, you said repeat after me. Let's do it. My triggers don't make me unlovable.

(26:57) Okay? You are learning safety again. And the right partner will not run from that. And I'm not saying if someone feels like they don't have the capacity because of their own stuff, that doesn't make them a bad person either. So I am not shaming anyone who feels like they just don't have the capacity to have someone who's been through a lifetime of abuse. That's okay. But the right person will come and they'll lean in gently with compassion and steadiness the listen to podcast. And you'll be gold, baby gold, just like your crown, right? So like I said, this was a foundation, the starting point. If you want me to do like a miniseries specifically for partners or anything, please give me feedback. Email me always. If you have things you want to hear on my podcast, even if you don't think it fits perfectly in what I normally do, let me know. I love doing this stuff. I love helping anyone.

(28:02) So we can go deeper on this. And if you are a woman healing from a narcissistic relationship and want support, rebuilding that piece, your boundaries, that lovely nervous system that can be shaken back into the straight and narrow, my one-on-one coaching spaces are always linked in the show notes. So you guys, you are not alone. Whether you have been in a bad situation and you're recovering or you're someone supporting that person, you're not alone. And you should find support through therapists, counseling, support groups, listening to these podcasts. And you deserve the kind of love that feels like exhaling.

(28:51) That's what it feels like. You hear that kind of creepy. Now I'm going to stop doing that. Okay? So always go to my show notes to see the ways to work with me. I have an Empowered Boundaries course that is epic amazing. Go check that out. And then there's a couple freebies in there, including my Facebook, which is, it is Women only for there that is a private Facebook page for survivors. So yes, I will see you in the next episode and maybe we'll be doing more of these bonus EPS in between. And as always, I love you and give you Smooches Chin up crown up.

 

The 5-Minute Reset to Protect Your Kids From a Narcissistic Parent (Without Escalating Anything) Episode Summary

In this Thrive in 5, Christy Jade guides you through a simple five-minute process that helps you protect your child’s emotional safety when dealing with a narcissistic parent. Instead of reacting from fear, conditioning, or pressure to “keep things smooth,” you’ll learn how to regulate your body, detach from the narcissist’s hooks, and model calm authority your child can immediately feel.

This micro-training focuses on one small but powerful shift: stabilizing your own nervous system so your child learns emotional safety, discernment, and self-trust — even when the other parent continues their chaos. These five minutes will change how you show up in high-conflict moments.

What You’ll Learn

• How to identify your body’s early alarm signals during narcissistic tension

• A simple three-breath pattern to instantly calm your nervous system

• How to shift out of emotional reactivity and into factual, steady communication

• One-sentence boundary responses that model calm authority for your child

• A grounding tool your child can use after visits, calls, or stressful interactions

• How to reinforce safety without escalating the conflict or feeding the drama

Your Next Step in Healing

3-Month Coaching: Deep-Dive Transformational Journey Platinum Coaching (3 months – includes Voxer support) https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

1-Month Coaching: Focused Support + Somatic Healing Gold Coaching (1 month) https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/

The Empowered Boundaries Course 10 training modules, meditation bundle, and lifetime access https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries

Free Resource: The Boundaries Pocket Guide https://christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Join the Free Facebook Community Private support for women recovering from narcissistic abuse https://facebook.com/groups/christyjade

 

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:03):

Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to take a breath Queen. This one's for you. Today's Thrive in five is all about your energy and moments when the narcissistic parent creates tension because your kids absorb your state more than the actual words that are spoken, right? They're little sponges. So you're going to teach your child safety by regulating yourself first, right in the moment. So we're going to give you this advice. You can save this if you're feeling it right now. You can use it now, but you can listen to know what to do. And then definitely save this episode. So in the moment you can refer to it and maybe you can even take little notes. But this is definitely a saver episode. Alright, so you're going to set your timer for five minutes, okay?

(01:06) Get yourself a little timer. It can be on your phone. One of those cute ones you have in the kitchen, the little kitchen timers. I have one that's a little mushroom. It's so cute. Alright, squirrel. Okay, so five minutes. Minute one, you're going to notice your body's alarm system. So think of that last text demand or surprise request from the narcissistic parent, right? And your body probably does one of these things. The chest tightens, the stomach drop. I know that one. The shoulders rise all the way up to your ears and your breath gets shallow, right? One of those two of those, all of those. So first, in that first minute, notice it name the sensation out loud like my chest feels tight. Naming it out loud equals calming it. Okay? True, true facts, only true facts here on the Queen's show. Alright, minute two, you're going to then slow the pace for your child.

(02:11) Kids mirror your nervous system. Okay? Remember that? So you can repeat this three breath pattern and you can do it silently or with your child if they're present to teach them, right? We're role modeling and teaching our children what to do when stress comes about. So one, you're going to inhale through your nose. Two, you're going to hold it for two seconds, and three, you're going to exhale a little longer than that. Inhale. And this tells your child and yourself, we handle intensity with calm, not chaos. Opposite of the lovely narc, right? We want to be opposite. So we handle intensity with calm, not chaos. Minute three, detach from that narcs hook. Okay? Ask yourself, what is the fact here? Not the feeling. I get it. We are all up in our feelings. We're empaths. We're good hearted people, we've been mind ed, right? I get it.

(03:22) But we need to role model and give ourselves peace. So what is the fact? So what's an example of that? The feeling is he's trying to control me again and getting triggered. The fact is pickup is at four. That's all I need to address. Whatever he's trying to do, we don't need to worry about. It's good to know that, right? That's very helpful when you're learning about the narcissist. But we know that already now at this point. Yeah, but our focus is the fact, whatever the deal is, pickup, set for whatever facts are safe, that's our safety feelings. That is the narcissist playground, right? They want to see and feel and hear all your feelings. That's you taking their bait. So this reduces your reactivity and models discernment for your kid, no matter how old they are, if they're two or they are 18. Alright, minute four, we're going to choose one sentence of calm authority.

(04:32) So pick one neutral boundaried line, like per the order pickup remains at four o'clock. Or I'll refer to the agreement or I'm not available for additional changes. Short and steady to the point. I always say, don't take the bait, don't get emotional, keep it short. And that equals emotional safety for your child too. Okay? So this is the piece that those kids internalize for life. How are you responding? Calm and authoritative, right? Per the order. Pickup remains at four. It's just the facts. People. We're queens. We don't have time for all these big emotions. Okay? Number five, we're minute five. Sorry. Teach your children one mini skill, okay? And again, refer back to Tuesday's episode. If you have not listened to that, please go listen to that. That's going to really dig into the best ways to deal with the entire situation with a narcissist, dealing with the kids and all of the toxic things you don't want to do yourself.

(05:52) And how to keep the peace, but in a way that isn't what you normally would do with someone who's not toxic. So please watch. Listen to that episode if you haven't. So right after contact with the narcissistic parent, you're not going to trash talk them, right? You're going to do the mature adult thing that will keep peace for you and your child. You can't control the narc, okay? Do this one grounding micro practice with your child. And this one, you get to even call it a fun little cute child thing. The butterfly hug. And it's 30 seconds and anyone can learn this and it is good for you. It's good for a 2-year-old. It's good for that 15-year-old who's going to roll their I. So you just cross your arms over your chest. You tap the left side right on the top of your arm tap.

(06:46) I'm doing it right now if you can hear, I'm giving myself a good old butterfly hug. And then tap the right, tap the left. Tap the right while you are slowing your breathing in through the nose, out through the mouth. Tap left, tap right. Okay. So cross arms over chest tap left tap right, tap left, tap right. Slow breathing until you feel your nervous system calm. But 30 seconds is a good amount of time and you can say your body knows how to keep you safe. So this teaches them to trust the intuition that therapists, some therapists tell them to ignore that. Tell them to push through and to keep the peace. That's the keeping the peace that I'm not here for. We're not bypassing feelings. We are honoring our intuition, their intuition and teaching them your body knows how to keep you safe. And doing the butterfly hugs.

(07:54) There's other examples too, but that's a good one is very important to me. So you don't change a narcissist, you're not going to change the narcissist, but you can change the energetic environment that your child grows up in while they're in your care. And they can do these things. And I know a narc is very controlling, so maybe they can't do it right in the middle of an interaction with their narc parent. But you can tell them if you ever have a tense situation at narc, parents, don't call 'em narc, but narc parents home and there's an interaction that makes you sad or upset, just don't take the bait. You can teach them in children's terms of not taking the bait, just kind of gray rocking a. And when they get a chance to be in private, to go to their room or whatever, teach them the grounding skills they will need because they will need them.

(09:05) And again, I say not everyone wants to really say all this out loud. If your child is a child of a narcissist, they need to be prepared. That's okay. We are where we are here. We can't change the past, we can't change what happened. All we can do is do the best with where we are. And your child can still be an amazing, healthy individual. They have you as a parent that is getting healthy, that's learning these tools that cares immensely for them. So they're ahead of a lot of people. Look, there are people with two parents that nobody really teaches them any tools or how to do X, Y, Z. So you are prepared, you're getting prepared and you're helping them prepare for what they need to do to cope with these situations. So this can be little, just five minutes at a time things.

(10:02) We have the five minute situation and then we have just the butterfly hug alone. They can do that easy peasy lemon squeezy in 30 seconds that can just calm them down and help their nervous system. And they get to also say to themselves, your body knows how to keep you safe during those times. So save this episode already. And don't forget if you didn't listen to Tuesday's episode, definitely, definitely listen to that. It's a great episode. I may be biased, but it's amazing. Just kidding. So if you're not following my podcast, go find the follow button so you don't miss any episodes because we got some good shit up in here. Okay? Yeah, we do. And as always, all the information is in the show notes as far as how to work with me. If you want transformational kick ass customized help, there's a couple different ways you can check the links out.

(11:07) But I have monthly and I have a three month really transformational, crazy, amazing epic work. And both I do coaching with you and somatic healing, which is through the body. We are healing deep stuff, but we don't have to do this super sad. Let's lay on a couch and cry about it for five hours, right? We're not going to bypass feelings, but we are going to have some magic happen. We're going to GoFund places, I call 'em Soul Cas. We go on little locations. We help our nervous system regulate. There's so many beautiful things in somatic healing. So you can read more about that in the links in my show notes. And I have a free private Facebook page, so definitely go join that to be around more women who understand what you're going through. It's a women only private Facebook group for narcissistic abuse recovery.

(12:08) So jump on and there. And I have, if you haven't grabbed them yet, there is my pocket boundaries. What's it? Boundaries Pocket guide is the official term. And that's just some helpful boundaries that you can set just a little free before you. And I also have my Boundaries course, which is self-paced if you just want something more like that. So obviously the one-on work with me is where you're going to get the deepest, most beneficial work. But there are other options out there. If you're not ready for that or can't the investment, you can't make that investment. So definitely check all of that out and I will see you in the next video. It's not a video, not, I keep calling it a video. I was a YouTuber once, a big bad YouTuber. I still have my YouTube actually should go check it out. There's all sorts of crazy weird videos on there.

(13:09) Steal a Kiss 33 on YouTube. I barely do videos there anymore. But yes, that was my life, my old life. I did makeup tutorials, I did vlogs, all sorts of fun. And I should be putting videos up there, but I'm very focused on my podcast and my book I'm writing. Once I finish my book, I might start doing more videos again just for funsies. But yes, you guys, I'm also writing a book about narcissistic abuse recovery and it's going to be awesome. I'm so excited. All this stuff I'm working on right now is just very, very exciting. So I can't wait to get that completed. I hope I'm writing that. I'm on chapter seven out of 12, but I'm going to go over it a couple more times. And I have a couple people waiting in the wings that are going to read it as beta readers. And then I do have an editor in New York City that I'm going to work with to edit it and the publishing. And I think she may be helping me with that too. But it's going to be unlike any other narcissistic abuse recovery book that is out there of that, I am sure. Right? I think if you know me, that's not a surprise. This is not going to be boring, old, stale facts. There's some queening going on in it. So stay tuned for that. Alright, I will see you in the next audio in the next podcast, not video and chin up. Shine that crown. You look amazing, okay? And you are so valuable and so, so special, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Okay? Okay. Bye.

The Truth Therapists Don’t Tell You: How to Protect Your Kids From a Narcissistic Parent (Without Fueling More Drama)

Episode Summary

You’ve been told to “keep the peace for the kids.” But what if that advice — the one therapists and co-parenting experts keep repeating — is actually teaching your child to ignore their own intuition?

In this episode, Christy Jade breaks down the truth most professionals avoid: you cannot co-parent with a narcissist. You’ll learn how to stop over-accommodating, document every interaction, and teach your child emotional safety without turning them into your confidant. It’s time to protect both your peace and your child’s nervous system while modeling real, grounded strength.

If you’ve ever felt stuck trying to “stay civil” while your ex keeps creating chaos, this episode will help you see what real peace looks like — and how to hold it.

What You’ll Learn

• Why traditional co-parenting advice doesn’t work with narcissists

• How old conditioning keeps you accommodating — and how to stop

• The importance of documenting every interaction and using third-party apps

• How to model calm authority and emotional safety for your kids

Your Next Step in Healing

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TRANSCRIPT:

Speaker 1 (00:00):

Queens. I am so excited for this episode. This actually was created because a client of mine and I were talking about this topic and she said, you need to make this an episode. So when y'all speak, I listen. Alright, so you've been told to keep the peace for the kids, right? I'm sure many of you have heard that, but what if that very advice, the ones, many therapists and co-parenting experts keep repeating, is actually quietly teaching your child to ignore their own intuition. So today I'm going to break down the real truth about how to protect your kids from a narc co-parent without losing your sanity or ending up back in court. So let's talk about the advice. Most professionals are too afraid to give you.

(00:54) Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom, and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice and how to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now, I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up.

(01:52) All right, it's Christie Jade. Today's episode might ruffle a few feathers. We're talking about something I see every single week with my clients, the pressure to keep things smooth with a narcissistic co-parent, even when it's slowly destroying your peace and your child's sense of safety. So yes, obviously we don't want to trigger narcissists into pop-off mode, okay? That's not my point here. But here's the hard truth. Most parenting advice out there does not apply when the other parent is a narcissist. You cannot co-parent with someone who loves chaos, control and manipulation. You can parallel parent, and even then you need to do it with strong ass boundaries and rock solid documentation, which I've talked about on this podcast, right? But today we're going to cut through the guilt, the conditioning, and the miss, okay? You're going to walk away knowing what it looks like to protect your child and yourself legally, emotionally, and energetically without ending up back in court.

(03:02) But no guarantees. I'm not a lawyer, okay? I am just your favorite little truth telling queen with a mic. But we're going to do our best here together. Okay? So first of all, the lie you've been sold, you've been told that kids need both parents equally. You've been told to be flexible. Take the high road, keep communication fully open. But when one parent is toxic or narcissistic in our cases, the advice is actually dangerous because flexibility becomes a weapon. So keeping the peace becomes another way of saying keep walking on eggshells, and you'll see what I'm saying here. But yes, we want to keep the peace in the way of, we want our peace to be protected, but keeping the peace in the general way that many experts will tell you how to do will not work in our situation. Okay? So the truth is, you were conditioned to accommodate the narcissist.

(04:08) They conditioned you to accommodate them, right? Even after court orders are in place, you may still feel that conditioning. You may still have it even after the chaos nearly broke you. You were trained to minimize their reactions, but that conditioning doesn't just affect you. Your kids feel it and then suffer from it. So your kids are learning from your energy. Kids are intuitive, right? They feel what's happening in the room before they can fully grasp it, even the younger ones. So when you tense up every time a message comes through from your ex, when you overexplain or give in just to keep the peace, they learn that love or relationship means shrinking yourself to stay safe. They don't know the complexities of your relationship with this person. So they're watching you shrink to stay safe, but you were given that mama energy, that protective mama bear energy for a reason. You were chosen to break this pattern, right? Your kids do not need a perfect parent. They need a calm, grounded one who teaches them what real safety feels like because they're not going to get that from little narky narc. Okay? So that starts with one powerful shift. Are you ready? Write it down. Write on your forehead. Stop accommodating dysfunction in the name of peace.

(05:53) Okay? Stop accommodating dysfunction in the name of peace. True peace is not built on fear. That's performative peace. Okay? We want true peace for you and your child. So you've got to cut these cords that are still attached to your ex. Okay? I'm going to say this with a little love and a little holy fire. You need to hear it straight. And you know I'm a straight shooter. The narcissist conditioned you to accommodate, right? They trained you to make yourself small, to over explain, to be nice, to keep them calm, maybe even when it was costing you your sanity. And here's the truth, you might've left the relationship, but the programming, it's still running the show. You broke free physically, you're out of the home with them, but emotionally, you're still doing the dance. So let me ask you, why are you still accommodating them?

(07:00) Why are you bending, explaining, overthinking every reply like you owe them something you don't. You owe you something. You owe your child something. You owe them the version of you that doesn't flinch at chaos anymore. You've done the hardest part, you got out. Now it's time to cut the final chords. So stop letting their energy dictate your piece. Stop modeling compliance as cooperation, okay? When you keep accommodating the narcissist, all of their little, even if you have the legal papers and they add this and that into it and make you go a little above or you feel a little bad, oh, it's their father, it's this. You're teaching your child the same survival pattern you are trying to unlearn.

(07:53) Okay? So here's the mic drop moment here for you, okay? Do not condition your child to do what you did. You got out for a reason. Do not condition your child to do what you did. They deserve to see what calm power looks like. They deserve to see you walk in your authority, not your fear. You're a queen, right? Put on your authority crown. All right? I got to calm down after that one. Woo. It's getting hot in here. So what does that non accommodation actually look like? You're like, that's great, Christie, how do I do that? Well, I'm going to tell you, alright, so without giving the narcissist ammo to drag you back in court, right? And again, I'm not a lawyer, but there's things we can do and documenting everything is very important. So we'll get there. So non accommodation does not mean being rude or reactive, right?

(08:55) I'm not saying yell at them, curse at them, call them names. It means being firm consistent. I'm going to say that for the people in the back. I know a lot of you lost consistency because of how you're conditioned. Consistent. That means if you set a boundary, you stick to it, you heard and detached, which I know that can be hard, but if you want the peace you say you're begging for and the peace for your child, then you need to listen. Okay? You stick to the agreements, you stop explaining. You let their discomfort be their problem. So let's do a few examples what that actually looks like. Let's say there's a video call. You have a court order. It says you have one regular call per week, right? You just have a call per week. It doesn't save it's audio, video it just as a call.

(09:48) He's demanding video calls because the child owes him FaceTime. Here's your reply. Per our agreement, calls are scheduled once a week by phone. So if it's not listed as video, you're safe. If it is, you might have to accommodate that because it's through the legal system, but often they will add little things. That's my point here. They will add nuances to have control. That's it though. No emotion, no apology, no justification. There needs to be no explanation of well, blah, blah, blah, blah. Per our agreement, calls are scheduled once a week by phone. That's it. Then the guilt trip, extra time request. I know many who have had this, he suddenly demands extra time for a family birthday that isn't scheduled. If you want to let them do that, go ahead. But if you're dealing with a narc, you probably don't and you want to take your power back, then you respond. That's not part of our current schedule. We'll follow the plan. He threatens court. Okay, well, you're documenting everything now. You're on a third party app, you stay calm, you follow the order.

(11:04) So what about when your child doesn't want to talk or go? And this is tough because legally they have to, right? They're required if they have the required visits or talks, and this is when your heart probably aches the most, but it's also your biggest teaching moment. When you get those pangs, I want you to start viewing them as, oh, I need to do the right thing. This is a big teaching moment for my child, okay? Validate your child first and foremost. It's okay. It's understandable that you feel uncomfortable. That is the first thing you say to them. It's understandable and that you feel uncomfortable. And then you teach them grounding, even for little ones. Deep breaths. When you feel like this and you take your breaths, I could do a whole other episode probably on this, how to teach children, grounding young children, hand on chest, deep breath, name what they're feeling.

(12:11) I'm feeling it could be even my brain feels chaotic. Well, they might not say chaotic, but dizzy or I feel sad, or I have my chest feels tight, right? Don't force them to override their own body to appease a toxic adult. Don't say, oh, it's fine, it's fine, right? That's the old generation. I love ya mama. But that was what I got, right? Oh, it's fine. Everything's fine. It's not fine. It's okay. And understandable. They feel this way because they're dealing with a narcissist. You don't have to tell them they're a narcissist. We'll get to that. But you teach them, and that's something you may have lost along the way. And then condition to throw out the window to the benefit of the narcissist. And the narcissist will never model for them. They won't teach them that this is your job, okay? You teach them and being okay with having feelings. So here's the part.

(13:23) Not everybody, not every therapist, not every coach will tell you about documenting and detaching. A lot of lawyers, I guess will, but not everyone thinks of all of it. So here's where we move from emotional to strategic, because when you're dealing with an arc, documentation, is your armor okay? It's very important. I know it's a pain in the butt. Too bad. Mama's getting real here. You don't just keep your boundaries, you have to keep the receipts with them. Every single interaction, right? That's why I'm saying third party app, family wizard or talking parents document any texts, they send any email, you don't respond to those. You only respond via the third party app. If you can. Hopefully that's in your decrees. If not, maybe you can add it to that. It is very important to use third party apps if possible. Okay? But either way, document all the texts, emails, quick questions, pick up issue, screenshot it then, right?

(14:22) If you don't have it on the third party yet, date it, save it. Have a little folder on your phone, okay? And the third party apps, timestamp everything and make it impossible for them to twist your words. Here's one that may be difficult for you guys. Some of you do not text or call casually. This is where the danger truly happens. This is where they bait you and gaslight you. Okay? We do everything in writing so it can be seen, documented, no casual calls, no talking about anything but your child and your child's needs. Or it will be used against you if you're dealing with a narcissist, it will be used against you. It's a matter of time if it hasn't already, okay? Keep it short and factual per the agreement. Child X will call at 7:00 PM or pickup is at 4:00 PM as stated, or I'll refer to the court order.

(15:27) No emotional language, no, I feel no, please, just clarity every word, every extra word. Actually we want to stick to the facts. Anything over that, any extra wording is an opening for them to manipulate. I want you to think about that. Get that in your head. Imagine all the facts there, right? Pick up at four. If you say pick up at four because X, y, z, and this happened and all of that, they take, they store, they use against you. Don't give them anything extra that's so important. You guys and your child is watching you model in a calm power. Even if they don't know the details exactly what's going on. When you work this way and function this way, you are calmer and they will feel that you're teaching them that boundaries don't have to mean conflict, they mean safety. Your child and you both need safety.

(16:31) Alright? So then protecting your child's beautiful nervous system. Look, they have a parent that's a narcissist. They're going to have to learn this. And this is a part I think people don't want to talk about. We feel guilty. We say, oh, how did I put them in this situation? Okay, let's move off the guilt train guys. Let's get in the now we're here. It happened, you got out. Great job. Your child is the child of a narcissist. So your job is to help protect their nervous system. One of the best things you can do, and this is the piece, not all therapists, not everyone talks about right? When your child interacts with a narcissistic parent, their nervous system will go into fight, flight, freeze or fawn. And you can't control what happens at their house, at your ex's house. But you can teach regulation for your child, what they can do with how their body feels, paying attention to how their body feels. You're setting them up with tools that will be lifelong help, whether it's with their narc parent or someone else in their future. So show them how to take deep breaths when they feel scared. Name what feels off. Let them name it. Teach them you can love someone and still have limits. And then reassure them. They don't have to fix anyone's feelings. Not even a parent truth bomb, not even yours.

(18:18) This is a good segue for what I also want to talk about because first of all, you're not best friends. I get it. We want to be close with our kids. That's great. It's not their job to take on our damn feelings and all the details of what your ex has done. That is toxic shit. And I'm not here for it. And you shouldn't either. You shouldn't be here for it. Talk to a friend, go have a martini and talk about it. But you do not talk trash about the other parent to your child or share adult details of what's happening.

(18:54) They're not your friend. They're a child who needs guidance, not your gossip. I know it's hard. I get it. I do get it. I get it. We want to tell the whole world about the awful narcs. I get it. But saying your dad's a narcissist doesn't protect them, especially when they're young. It can confuse them and burden them. But instead, and I get it, you want to set them up, but that's to the next point. Instead, teach them to notice behaviors and trust their inner compass. So if dad does start guilt tripping or love bombing, right? But they'll tell you about it. This is where you say, how did that make you feel? What do you think you need right now? Help them become a little therapist. I love therapy and I want anything I've said about some therapists don't know. That's my experience, that not all therapists want to talk about certain things. And I think they work for establishments that have certain rules and so they have certain things they may or may not get into, but I'm free to get into whatever the hell I want. So here I am. But anyway, yes, you're creating little therapists asking the open-ended questions. How did that make you feel? What did you think you need right now? And you can teach them to ask themselves this in those moments. So when you're not there, this is very important. You can't always be there.

(20:32) You're not going to be at the narcs house. You're not going to be with them when they're out with their friends, when they're 18 years old, when they're off to college. So teaching them to ask themselves these questions as well. Guide them toward emotional awareness, not judgment. How am I feeling? What do I need? Maybe I need to take a few breaths and then maybe I need to just walk outside for a few minutes. And maybe they want to have opportunities to do every single thing they want to do when they're in the narcs control because the narcs controlling, they might not let them walk outside, but maybe they can go sit and journal, keep it, have a locked journal.

(21:18) They can take the deep breaths. That's how you help them build discernment without shame. We do not want to shame them for their feelings. It's discerning. So you're not teaching them to disrespect their parent or ignore their parent. It's discerning. And then being able to self-manage and cope with having a narcissistic parent. And that lesson will protect them for life. I do feel like I need to go more into this. I need an episode. Let me know in my Facebook group if you'd like that episode or you can email me. So let's wrap it up here. This is a long 21 minutes. Woo. We're doing it. So you were not called to raise a peacekeeper. Exactly, yes, we want peace, but not in a people pleasing way.

(22:19) You want to raise a truth teller and a truth teller, it doesn't have to be a mean disrespectful calling out truth teller, but it's someone who knows their truth. The truth is self-aware and also can self-soothe, can help their own nervous system. And the way you model these things is by being one yourself. Yay. Look at all that work full circle. So when you stop accommodating toxicity and you're showing them that, so when they are older, they see that my 11-year-old daughter, she's a narc professional. I mean, she knows the work I do. So she knows it's narcissistic and she's older and understands more, not about specific people, but just how to deal with certain behaviors. That's the most important thing. She recognizing what manipulation is, she recognizes what gaslighting is. She recognizes when it's even just a toxic, not a two-way street. She dumped a friend because they would never compromise just with playing games at recess. It was always what they wanted, what they wanted. And she said, you know what? I don't want to be friends with someone who doesn't compromise. She literally said that to them and that was the end. And now she has a very, very sweet, best friend that it's all give and take. Very thoughtful. So not exactly narc related, but showing you what you do. They see, they see and they hear and they feel everything. They were sponges, right?

(24:06) So when you accommodate this toxicity, or stop, I guess I'll say, when you stop accommodating it, you're not starting a war, but you're ending the cycle. Your kids will thank you because not because you kept everyone happy, because you can't do that, not with a narc, but because you showed them what healthy actually feels like. You're not going to have complete peace all the time, but you can have peace inside of yourself and you can teach your child to learn to have peace inside of themself. And you don't make peace by bending over backwards when you've already got rules in place, right? Let's uncondition that. How do you do that? I don't know. Have you ever heard of Christie Jade? She does some coaching, she does some somatic healing.

(25:09) I will choke in my spit. That's what I'll do. Excuse me. I got so excited about working with you now. I'll always put in my show notes the ways to work with me. I have such amazing clients and right now we are doing really powerful work. I've got some clients who are heavier on the coaching and a little somatic, and then I've got some who are heavier on the somatic, depending where you are in your journey. And the somatic is that's healing from the body. And that is the deeper internal work that is really that long lasting healing because it's your body remembers and you are retraining all of what we're talking about here, uncondition, what's been done. And it is mind blowing until you really do it. You don't totally get it. But please come sign up for a session with me. I have very limited spaces.

(26:04) I will say that I actually still, I have to write back to someone who wrote, there was no spots in the next coming weeks. But, so I will open up a couple spots because I know it's holiday time and the narcs come out wild, so I know you all need it. So I'll open up a couple extra spots and I have monthly and a three month transformation coaching and somatic healing, which is, that is for the people who are here to just rise up out of where you are and completely your life. So I'll put all of that information there in the show notes. And I also have a, which is really relevant for this, if you just want to check out something simple, I have My Empowered Boundaries course. So you want to talk about boundaries that goes deep into how to have the energy around that, what to say and do, how to have the conversations.

(27:10) It is really epic. So you can purchase My Empowered Boundaries course too. I'll put that in the show notes. Alright, and then like I said, join my free Facebook community. It's private full of women just like you. And come in there, say hi. Tell me if you want that all about Kids Grounding Podcast episode. And there's also a Boundaries Pocket Guide that's free, that'll be in the notes. And I will see you on Thursday. We will do a little Somatic Healing on Thursday's episodes. Don't forget to follow my podcast wherever you are listening and I'll see you on Thursday. Love you, bye.

A 5-Minute Reset for When You Start Blaming Yourself for Their Cheating

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TRANSCRIPT:

Speaker 1 (00:03):

Welcome to your Thursday, thrive in five. Your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting and that text you knew better than to reply to take a breath queen. This one's for you. If your brain keeps going back to what did I do wrong or what's wrong with me, this is your five minute reset today, especially after Tuesday's episode, all about why narcissists cheat, right? And not having any guilt. We're going to get rid of that. So the part of you that is still taking responsibility for their betrayal, can we say that again? There's part of you that is taking responsibility for their betrayal is the part we're going to release right now. Alright, so step one, we need to interrupt that mental chaos going on. So say this out loud or in your head, repeat after me. Their cheating was a reflection of their emptiness, not my worth.

(01:20) Right? We are not allowing your brand to keep making their behavior means something about you anymore. We're done. Okay, step two, we're going to ground that nervous system. So let's take a minute here. If you're in a place, you can, if not save this episode or this part for later and place one hand on your chest and one on your belly and you're going to breathe in for four seconds in 1, 2, 3, 4. Hold for two seconds. One, two, and exhale. 4, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Yes. Get it all out. Okay. And as you continue your regular breaths, tell your body, I am safe from their chaos. Now I am safe from their chaos. Now the body needs to receive that message from you, not from them. We want it from them. We want to get validation and answers all the things. No ma'am. We're not going to seek it from them anymore. Alright, now step three, the identity statement. So you are not someone who got cheated on. That's not going to be your identity. You are someone who survived a professional manipulator and more. But we'll keep it just in the basics here, right? That's a very different identity, isn't it? So with that, you can have a mantra of I was never lacking. They were, we're not going to take ownership for their lacking. I was never lacking. They were.

(03:23) All right. Step four, the forward focus. When your brain tries to replay the cheating or compare you to someone else, I want you to pause and say, I don't recycle pain to understand it. There's no more recycling that needs to go on here. There is no new meaning hiding in your old wounds. So we stop going backward to decode people who were not operating in real love the way we think of love and we think about connection is not the way a narcissist does. Okay? So trying to decode why or how, I mean I gave you some reasons why on Tuesday's episode, but playing it all back recycling, it is not how Queen's going to spend their life. No. We can learn it and heal from it. So the power is not an analyzing their betrayal. The power is in protecting your heart going forward.

(04:48) And that's doing some healing. Yes, but it's also protecting it moving forward. And if that means boundaries, distance, silence, the gray rock method. I'll try to remember to put that episode. If you don't know what the gray rock method is, girl, you're in for a fun one. I have one or two episodes, I forget if it's one or two, I do have at least one episode on the Gray Rock Method, okay? But that's exactly where your peace lives. Next in the protection mode, in the it is time to take care of me mode. This is your queen era. Did you not get the memo queen? Better get used to be called queen. Okay? Hold your power. You've earned it, you have earned it, and you are deserving of peace and of power and you can will get it. You can just show up doing right now, just watching these podcasts or listening to these podcasts, if you want to do some really transformational mind blowing shit, you are there and you are like, I want to change my life and I'm ready.

(06:17) I have an insane program. It's customized to you. It is three months that is literally priceless. And guess who you get to talk to once a week? Yours truly. Okay. I mean in that a bonus, no, I'm just kidding. So my Queens of Peace program, which guys, I have literally one spot left and this is individual work, but to maintain my schedule and I've had people that could not sign up. My schedule is so tight right now, people couldn't when I sent the link and if they didn't sign up right away when we did it, their spot did get filled. So they have to be pushed to next week. I don't like that. So I'm going to have to see what I can do to add a little space in. But so that's why I only have one spot right now.

(07:18) If you are a queen, even if you don't feel like a queen right now, if you are queening, you are wanting to be queening. No. If you have been in a toxic relationship and you are coming out of it, out of it, I do require that you do not live with the narcissist. If this is your partner, your marriage partner, I do not work with people who are currently in that situation. You must be separated out of the house. Most my clients are divorced. If it's someone in your family that's a different situation and we can talk about that.

(07:59) Your mother-in-law or someone you're dealing with, that's a whole different story. But most of my clients do seem to be co-parenting and the not just navigating a narcissist and how to deal with them, but healing what trauma you have gone through and the damage that has been done. We do coaching and we do somatic healing. And both of those things together, you will have insane transformation in three months. And that sounds like a lot. I'm going to tell you it goes by quick. But there are epic results. So if you're really ready and you're going to show up every week and you're going to sign up and make sure you get a spot, it's once a week. It's one hour. We do everything from coaching to somatic healing, which is healing from the body. If you don't know today, I had some amazing magical journeys. I call 'em soul locations because really we get to go on these beautiful kind of mind journeys like deep meditations, but they're so specific to you and every single time we do these clients have mind blowing results. I mean these journeys are epic. And that's why I love, I keep saying epic, I sound like such a nerd, but I, that's the only word I can use for myself, for my clients.

(09:35) That's why I got certified. I did it myself and was like, this shit's epic. It was. You come out of it and you get clarity on your own. You have more self-trust, more self-confidence. It's just so beautiful. So if you are ready, if you are that woman that has been like, yeah, maybe I should do this or this is brand new, you just popped up in here, but you're ready to actually have lasting change to understand narcissists, be able to navigate them and have that inner calm, right? Like fuck the frazzle, can that be a t-shirt? I make? Fuck the frazzle. We don't need to be frazzled the rest of our lives. Okay? You deserve more here. A queen of peace. It's why it's called Queens of Peace program. Okay? So check the show notes on the ways to work with me one-on-one for this program that there will be a link.

(10:38) It is the three month journey with me and you get Voxer in between. So once a day you can leave a message on my Voxer and I'll get back to you within 24 hours. It's Monday through Friday and I mean if there's an emergency you can try on the weekend and if I can, I'll get back to you. I do try to check even on the weekends so it's more support. So a lot of people earlier on in their journey do that. And then there's people that have maybe even been divorced for years, but there's just so much. They're going through a lot mentally, physically, and need a little extra support in between calls. So that's an extra fun thing in the three month journey as opposed to the monthly option. Both will be listed there. Check 'em out. You can read all about the three month one in that link. And then you can email me with any questions. My email's already always in the show notes too. And come join the free Facebook. It's a private Facebook page.

(11:51) Yeah, so I know that was a lot of little babble at the end, but I'm telling you guys this work, it excites me every time I get off the phone with a client, I'm like, I'm so glad that I heard the calling from God that he needed me to do this podcast and what it's led to. It's amazing. And I want to share what I have learned, all the tools I have and take people on these awesome journeys to back to yourself. Is that what you're looking for? That's how to sum it up. I know we have these, there's peace, there's this, but it's getting back to you and yourself and at the core, your home inside yourself, which is the most comfortable, peaceful, joyful, amazing place to be. That's where God wants you to be. That's where you belong. So we need to get you back there.

(12:55) So if you want to get back there and you will show up for yourself once a week. And I'm not crazy strict, obviously if you're sick or something, we have to skip a week, okay? We extend it. But I do want people who are committed to this, I am committed to you. This is my life's work. I'm real serious about it, okay? This is my purpose. My purpose is to help every single woman I can, the most I can. So you deserve to find that self. She's in there and she's beautiful and glittery and she's wearing an amazing gold crown. Let's go find her. If you're ready to find her, go click that link. Sign up. I do have one spot left and soon I will have zero. So get on it. If you are really wanting to make a transformation for yourself that lasts and get to hang out with me again. So fun. Alright, love you guys. See you the next, I keep saying see you. I don't see you. Maybe in my mind I feel like I don't know what to say. Seeing the next video, it's not a video. I used to do YouTube videos all the time, so I always say that. But thanks for listening. I'll see you in the next episode in my mind. Okay, love you, deuces.

Why Narcissists Cheat And the 3 Lies They Tell You (So You Keep Blaming Yourself)

Today, I’m breaking down the REAL reasons narcissists cheat, how they use infidelity as a weapon, and the 3 most common lies they tell you to keep you confused, self-blaming, and emotionally destabilized.

This episode will help you stop internalizing their betrayal — and start turning your power inward.

Your Next Step in Healing

✨ Ready to set boundaries that actually stick — without the guilt spiral? My Empowered Boundaries Course will walk you step-by-step through how to protect your peace, voice, and energy (without losing your heart).

🎓 10 video modules + meditation bundle + lifetime access 💻 Enroll here → https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries

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FREE Ways to Connect!

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TRANSCRIPT:

Speaker 1 (00:00):

You think the pain was that other person, but the real pain was how it made you question your worth. And I want that to end today. Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back while you're in the right place. Queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and drive ice and had a come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you, so steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there and let's cue your royal glow up.

(01:12) Alright, queen, deep breath in through the nose, out through the mouth. I love a good halo breath. Before we dive into something a little crazy, it's a hot topic. A lot of questions come in about cheating the lying, why they do it, all sorts of questions. So today we're just going to basically address why they cheat and the three lies they tell you, which there is always manipulation and calculation going into what they do. So we'll cover that as well. So I want to start by saying this clearly directly, very queen styley, right? With the most unshakeable conviction, if a narcissist cheated on you, it had absolutely nothing to do with you not being enough or you being who you are. Okay? Their cheating is not a mirror of your worth. It's actually a mirror of their emptiness. We know narcissists are a big black hole and this is a mirror of that evidence of that.

(02:29) So today we're going to break this down in a way that makes you stop blaming or questioning yourself once and for all. We don't have time for that, right? We got queen lives to live. So first of all, let's start with the real reasons that narcissists cheat, right? People cheat that aren't narcissists. That's very true, but we're talking about narcissists today, so we're going to talk about their reasons so they don't cheat because they're unhappy in the relationship and that can be a thing that other people do, but narcissists actually cheat because they are so addicted to supply. You've probably heard me say this a million times, but this is very, very important in this topic. They are addicted to supply, so really envision what that's like, right? You're not like that so you don't get it. But try to imagine a person that is addicted to basically feeding their ego and it's again this big black hole, so it's never truly filled.

(03:37) You can't fill it so nobody can news, spoiler alert. So cheating gives them that ego fuel, novelty power, and they love power and even a sense of superiority and those things are what they are chasing. They're not chasing what we chase or desire the connection into intimacy. That came out weird for some reason. Intimacy partnership, they're not seeking those things. They're essentially seeking supply. So another reason, and a lot of women don't talk about this enough, is they cheat to punish you. Say that again. They cheat to punish you, especially when you start getting stronger, and I guarantee if you look back at when you maybe thought maybe they were cheating or there was evidence of cheating, or they give you a timeline, sometimes they'll tell you they have cheated to show that power to hurt you. So they may tell you when it started, whatever it is, if you actually take a close look, you can tell you were maybe getting stronger or they're shifting in their life some way, but a lot of times it's really you are getting stronger.

(05:13) So this can look like when you start questioning their behavior, they don't like that when you start setting boundaries. That is what I would say. Number one, you start setting any boundary with a narcissist. Absolutely. Then they feel out of control. They got to gain their control. Again, when you're setting a boundary, you're showing that you're not just there to feed their ego, you're looking out for you for once or you're really just hit rock bottom with it. So you're making your boundaries like, okay, I really freaking mean it this time. So when you stop bending over backwards for them, when you start calling things out, in my experience, that is another top contender start calling things out and saying, you know what? I'm not okay with this. I'm not going to put up with this. So that is an injury. It's called narcissistic injury actually.

(06:14) But that is an injury to their ego. And so what do they do? They do many things right? They will come harder at you, they will have more anger. They will manipulate gaslight, do all those things, but another lovely thing they do is cheating on you. It can become their revenge, their retaliation, a slap in the face that says, oh, you think you can't be controlled if you're acting almost like you're indifferent being with them anymore. So burned out by them, and this happened with so many of my clients, that's why I'm doing this episode. I have had a couple clients recently that told me stories about they had reached a point where they were indifferent and just in there trying to figure out maybe a plan to get out. It's tough. Probably 98% of my clients are co-parenting with narcissists. So you have children with these people, so you're trying to figure out how you can do this and they think, oh, you can't be controlled. Let me show you how quickly I can replace you.

(07:29) Not romantic, not emotional, not deep. It truly is, like I said, a punishment, a weapon. You could even think of it that way, right? It's a weapon so they can gain their control, feed their ego while you're trying to figure out why am I here? Should I leave any of that? This can happen, right? They don't cop feelings about cheating. Like typical people, and this can be very confusing. A normal person has empathy. A normal person might cheat and maybe have those feelings for someone else, and then they get the guilt. They might feel sick about it, a narcissist. They don't have feelings like we have feelings, so they don't even really have feelings for this other person. It's just who is the closest and easiest target to become my new source? And this is where it gets kind of dark as if it's not dark enough.

(08:34) They can literally watch you crying, devastated, shattered, and feel nothing. We know they don't have empathy. They may mask. Masking is kind of like pretending wearing a mask. They can mask and say certain things or try to make a sad face and pretend, but depending on the situation, they may not even do that. But your pain, it is sick and it actually is validation to them. It proves their power. It actually proves to themselves like, oh see, good. They want that reaction. They want you crying. They want you destroyed because they punished you for that very reason. And it's devastating if you don't know this stuff. I know some of you know it to a degree, but sitting here and if it really hits you and you're like, I do believe this, it is hard to digest. So give yourself some grace. Give yourself some chocolate. First and foremost, you deserve a hunk, a chunk of chocolate right now. This is really tough stuff to digest, to think this person that you were or are in love with, shared life with, have kids with whatever to sit there and think they're this calculated, this dark, this unfeeling.

(10:11) And it tore me up when I realized all that a narcissist was and oh my goodness, it's devastating. So give yourself space after this, if this is hitting you kind of for the first time at the depths of what it really means. This is not easy to digest, and I'm here too. You can always email me if you need someone to talk about. If you don't have somebody to talk about this stuff with, if you don't have emotional support, please reach out to me. Okay? My email is always in the show notes. It's tough. So we want you to know I'm also, I have a Facebook page. Go in there. There's other women just like you in there. So that link is also in the show notes. So they're proven their power. So what about the other woman? And I want to include this for any women listening who had them manipulated into being the other one because this could happen too.

(11:10) Okay? I was once the other one, but I had no idea I was the other one. That's a whole fun layer too. So hear this, you were used too. So narcissists recruit women, like they're building this army of validation. They triangulate, they lie, they tell different stories to different people. So keep that in mind. Like I said, I was the other woman and had zero clue. So sometimes keep that in mind when you may see or run into that lovely lady someday they may not even know or the narcissist also. Well, I didn't actually date this guy. I was told there's an example of another guy. Yeah, I've had some winners in the past. Luckily I landed on a good one, but I actually got together, I'll use those words with this guy, and he told me that he had been separated a long time. The divorce was in the making.

(12:21) Then I found out, I mean we had just gone out once and then I found out actually through a mutual friend that he was going to counseling with her. So when I addressed that to him and said, go f yourself, you dirty, dirty man. He told me, well, I mean we haven't been sleeping in the same bed. I give a fuck. I was like, and he's like, well, I mean I don't think that it's going to really work out, but she wants me to go, so I'm going to do it just to show that I'm giving it one last shot, which is a very narky thing. I don't know that this guy totally was a complete narcissist, but there were some traits there.

(13:12) So there's lies, people to obviously I didn't fall for it and I said, get the fuck out of here. But definitely different stories to different people to keep each woman insecure, competing, confused, right? I heard a quote today that was so good about, let me think if I can think of it. Oh, it was about the confusion. Something like the narcissist keeps you confused to keep you something like that. That's how they keep you anyway. So whether you were the primary partner or side partner, nobody is being loved here, okay? Everyone's being used narcissists, don't know how to love the same way we know how to love. So that's the why. I hope that makes sense, right? Obviously there's different layers and it goes a little deeper, and if you want to know on a different level with your specific case, you can always sign up for one-on-one with me.

(14:12) Those links are always in the show notes too. It's very customized work. So we do coaching and somatic healing. If you don't know what somatic healing is, that is healing from the body, that is life altering, insane in a good way, healing from within and we do epic work. You can go click a link to read more about it or always, as always, you can always email me with questions. But let's get through this. So the lies, there's three lies I put here. There's more, but three lies that keep you laming yourself that they tell, right? So let's talk about this mental poison. They feed you, right? I really want you to understand this is not you. This is not on you, okay? This behavior, even when I'm saying, oh, they're doing it for retaliation, that's not because you did something bad. That's because they're not getting fed, but you're not supposed to feed them.

(15:11) Love is not feeding somebody like we feed narcissists, okay? That is not love. It's unhealthy, so they want to feed you this poison so you don't leave, right? So lie number one might sound unfamiliar if you were more blank, I wouldn't have cheated. I wouldn't need to cheat, I wouldn't have cheated. It could be more affectionate, more sexual, more supportive, more loving, more forgiving, more chill. Okay? Any of this is a manipulation tactic to make you take responsibility for their lack of integrity, right? There is no reason anyone should cheat, ever. I don't care what you do. There's reasons people can leave you and if something's not aligned and they want to leave, they know where the freaking door is, okay? There is no reason for abuse, name calling, gaslighting, any of that emotional or physical abuse or cheating. No reason, no good reason. Okay?

(16:24) So the manipulation tactics, right? It's very manipulative and it keeps you in this self-improvement mode. They know how to keep saying no, if you did this, if you did this, so you're being brainwashed that you need the help and you need to improve yourself, you need to fix you instead of in self protection mode, which is where you're supposed to be putting a big old bubble and getting the F out of there. Okay? I'm trying not to say the F word. I think I said it once. I was trying not to say it this episode, okay, so lie number two, here's one, nothing happened. You're being dramatic. This is for the deniers, the denying manipulator, narcissist, gaslighting, right? Nothing happened. You're nuts, you're dramatic, you're just dreaming all this. Then they can even turn around, oh, are you cheating, right? They minimize, deny, erase the facts, and they're not trying to protect you my love bear.

(17:27) No, no, but what are they going to protect? That big old supply line. That's so tasty, okay? They're protecting their supply, they need your supply so they know that they have to deny everything and then another lie, lie three, we were basically done. Okay? This one is so common, you guys. We were basically done. It's not really cheating translation. I'm going to rewrite history so I don't have to take accountability. We know they never do. They will reinvent the timeline, the story, the relationship, and they will really double down on we've been done. I mean you were checked out, blah, blah, blah, and they'll be dismissive about because it's not a big deal if they make it not a big deal. Yeah, I mean we've been done. Listen, we were done. Haven't been in this, I haven't been in this, right? Just so they can avoid saying the truth, which is I betray you, I took our marriage vows.

(18:47) Or if you're just in a partnership without marriage, the unsaid promises and spit all over. So what's the truth? What is the truth here? The narcissist does not cheat because they found any better. I want you to just tattoo it on your forehead. They did not cheat because they found better. First of all, look at yourself. You are damn queen. No one can get better than your sexy ass, okay? They cheat. Why? Because they need so much attention, so much supply to function. So if they have beaten you down mentally, physically, spiritually, if they have beaten all that out of you to the point that you are checked out, they are not getting the supply they need. They did it to themselves. I don't want you to feel bad about it for a damn second and get this. They don't even prefer these people. Any of the people they've cheated with, there might be multiple.

(20:00) They don't actually prefer any of them. It's not about the people. They prefer the feeling of power, that feeling inside. They need that. That's what they need. You're not competing with this other woman or women. You are merely competing with their ego. You are competing just with their ego and you will never, ever win that battle. Like I said, that is a deep dark hole. It's bottomless. You're never going to win. You don't want to win. You don't want to be any part of this. So if you are in the situation, here is your pass to run, please run full permission run. I know it's easier said than done. And if you need help with an exit plan, well there is the abuse hotline. I can put that in the show notes or email me and I can see if I can find resources in your area specifically. However I can help, I will. But guys, I know a lot of you are listening to this after you're already out of the situation and have been cheated on and still have questions or uncertainty. So I want to leave you all though with this. This is the reality. The cheating was not a reflection of your worth, okay? It's just not.

(21:37) It's honestly a reflection of your nervous system being hijacked by someone who values attention more than integrity. You were never lacking. You got the patience, beat the shit out of you again. Even if it was emotionally you were a meal to someone who only knows how to consume. They don't know how to connect. We do guys, they don't. And now that you see the game or you just don't want to put up with it or whatever, you want to start to get your power back and now you're going to, because say, I finally see this and I don't want any part of it.

(22:28) Once you get it, it's easier. Even though it's so hard to digest, once you've digested it, which may take a minute, you're going to feel amazing. You're going to say, okay, that's crazy, that's hurtful, but I'm so glad I see that and now I'm ready to get that power back and you don't have to prove you're better. That comes from fear-based, weak shit. Oh, let me look good and better and whatever. I'll be honest, I did that for a hot minute. Those are my younger years, and I actually ended things with the narc and I still wanted him to be like, oh, look what I lost out on which he was. Of course I got all these letters and I mean they're all bullshit, but back then I didn't know they were bullshit. I was like, oh, good, it worked. No, he probably just ended things with whoever, and they go through spells.

(23:26) Well, they'll come back to try to get you if they stop dating someone, they need to be fed. But you don't want to have to prove that you're better. You don't want to be the chosen one or like, oh, I'm the one who can fix him. I thought that while we're in it, I was like, oh, I know he is this way, but I can help him and I know through me we can do this and he'll be a better guy. No bullshit. He never did. So look, I can save anyone that time. If you're in it, you're not going to be that person. Move on and don't get your power back by getting them to pick you or come back to you. You don't want that. That's not how you get your power back. They're not your power. They are not your power. You are your power. You don't need a dysfunctional person to validate your value. Think about that.

(24:17) That's ass backwards. But you've been conditioned, so I'm not trying to yell at you. I've gone through it too, but sorry, I have a dry throat today. The moment you stop trying to win their approval, you cut off their entire source of control. Can you imagine what that feels like when you've been under the thumb? Even if you've been broken up, you still are tied to them in ways emotionally, you're still replaced up in your head or have questions or can't figure out, oh my gosh, right? It's a mess in that brain after they're done with us. But when you stop trying to win their approval, you release giving them that power and that's your power moment. That's your liberation, right? It's like, ah, I get my control back. I get my freedom now.

(25:13) So good. So if you are ready to step back into your power, I have my Empowered Boundaries course, and that's just all around. So this can be for yes, that person you're with, but I'm going to guess if you've been like this with them, there might be other people in your family, parents, siblings, whatever that you might have boundaries issues with. And this course is, it is epic and it is crazy that it is the price it's at. I have lowered the price because I want more and more women to be able to afford this. It used to be $500, I think it's 200 now. I lowered it a lot. It would sell here and there, and I was like, this is the thing I want people to have easy access to if they can't work one-on-one because that's ongoing, right? If you want more really customized stuff and to do the somatic healing, sign up for the one-on-one if you have that budget.

(26:15) But if you don't, this Empowered Boundaries course you have for life, you can go back to it. And it is for all walks of life to help you with so many situations. It's 10 video modules and there's a meditation bundle that comes with it to help in that energetic part. And this is going to help support you in rebuilding the strongest version of you. So you're going to step by step, go through how to create, how communicate, and how to hold the boundaries without the guilt and without the second guessing. And even talks about the conversations you have if they come back as far as the conversation, because a lot of narcissists don't end there. So that's a really good way to get some transformation quickly and have that for the rest of your little life. That is something you always have. Some coaches will say, oh, you have this for three months.

(27:18) I want you to be able to go back to it if you need to refresh your memory, because like I said, this is not just for the narcissist. This can be for anybody in your life who is not good at respecting boundaries or just you feel like you need to create boundaries and hold to them. It's even good for your kids. So check that out in the show notes. Don't forget to follow this podcast so you don't miss any episodes. And Thursdays are my Thrive in fives, which are always related to Tuesday's show, but they're like a little mini episode of Somatic Healing. Maybe a little pep talk, maybe some breath work, meditation. All the fun. So make sure you're following me and I will see you in the next episode. Love you, bye.

Thrive in 5: The Boundary Reframe Every Empath Needs

Episode Summary: If you’ve ever felt guilty for setting boundaries or worried that saying “no” makes you cold, this quick episode is your reminder that boundaries are not walls — they’re filters. In just five minutes, Christy shares a powerful reframe for empaths who give, love, and feel deeply… sometimes at their own expense. You’ll walk away with a grounding practice and a mindset shift to help you protect your peace without losing your warmth.

In This Episode: • Why saying “no” isn’t rejection — it’s redirection • How to stop confusing peacekeeping with people-pleasing • A 3-breath somatic practice to anchor self-respect in your body • The truth about what healthy boundaries really mean for empaths

💖 Your Next Step in Healing

Book a 1:1 Coaching Session →

GOLD PACKAGE: Coaching and Somatic Healing Session  👉 shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint

SILVER PACKAGE: SAVE when you purchase a month of sessions 👉 shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly

PLATINUM PACKAGE: TRANSFORM and get BONUSES when you go on a deep 3-month journey 👉 shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly

💌 More Ways to Connect

Grab your FREE Boundaries Pocket Guide → christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250

Join the Free Facebook Community → facebook.com/groups/christyjade

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:00):

Hello, beautiful souls. Today's Thrive in five is for my tender hearted empaths who have been told they're too nice, too sensitive, or that setting a boundary means you're being called or a biatch, right? Let's reframe that in five minutes flat because it's thriving. Five baby. Welcome to your Thursday. Thrive in five, your five minute pause from the chaos, the gaslighting, and that text you knew better than to reply to take a breath, queen. This one's for you. All right, so here's the truth. Boundaries aren't walls. They are filters. Can we start picturing that queen screen? Ooh, did you like that? I didn't even plan that y'all. That's some true organic criming. Okay, so boundaries don't block love. That's not the point of them. They do. They block drain, right? They don't want to encourage what happens when you are around people who drain you. So if you've ever said yes to keeping the peace only to feel resentful or exhausted later, that's your little baby spirit whispering to you.

(01:26) This isn't peace, this is people pleasing, dressed up as kindness. So when you're an empath, which I am, and we don't want to lose that empathy, we don't want to go the other end, but when you are an empath, your instinct is to nurture, to fix. But the twist is real. True. Nurturing needs to include you too. Yes. Right? You cannot pour. This is one of my favorite quotes, by the way, is you cannot pour from an empty cup, right? So you can't pour love from an empty cup and call it compassion. It's just not going to work. It's not going to work for anybody. So here is your reframe for the week. Every time you say no, imagine it instead as a yes to your peace, your purpose, your healing, whatever it's saying yes to for you. So boundaries are not rejection, they are redirection.

(02:34) That sounds like something I could say to a class of fifth graders. Boundaries aren't rejection, they're redirection. Everybody now, but your time, your energy and your heart, it's redirecting that toward what truly matters while protecting yourself and your peace. Okay? So what's a little somatic anchor? We can, you can ground the truth in your body through this little exercise. Yay. It's exercise time. All right. Take one hand to your heart and one to your belly. Now, breathe in through that nose. My favorite halo breath, inhale. As you inhale, my peace matters. Exhale and think it's safe to protect my energy in my peace matters out. It's safe to protect my energy, especially before saying yes to something that doesn't feel aligned. Check in with yourself first and remind yourself with this little tiny exercise one more time, and you can write this down on a little sticky note.

(03:48) Put it on your mirror, put on your car. Inhale, my peace matters. Exhale it safe to protect my energy. Okay? You're not being cold, you are being clear. That's okay. You're not being a jerk because you're being firm even, okay? Even if you have to get firm, you're not being a jerk. You're being clear. You're being truthful, you're being honest. That doesn't equal cold, that doesn't equal mean. And if you didn't watch or listen to Tuesday's episode, go check that out. We dive deeply into this stuff and you're getting clear, right? The clearer, the more you practice this, basically, the clearer you're going to get on what you want, what you desire, what you need, and that's not selfish. That's about damn time. Okay? Can we quote that? So if this hit home, go back and listen to Tuesday's full episode. If you didn't, it's called Why Empath Struggle with Boundaries and How to fix it Without Becoming Colder Mean, right?

(05:00) For that deeper healing. And of course, I will tell you my schedule is getting very, very, very smaller. Smaller. It's a great thing. It's wonderful that I'm getting to reach more people, but if you want to do the deeper transformation, you need to jump in because my schedule's very, very tight. So you go ahead, find the links in my show notes. I have two offers right now. I have the monthly offer, and that does have two payment options, and then there's the three month I am. This is like you are ready to dive in and see a whole new world. Three months of this face right here, this voice, right? Three months of transformation. We're talking coaching, and we're talking somatic healing. And in between, you get the bonus of Voxer all access to Christie all the time. No, not all the time. I have boundaries too, but once a day, you can leave me a message and I'll get back to you within the 24 hours.

(06:08) Usually it is that day. If just something comes up, you need to vent, you need advice, whatever it is that is in between our weekly calls, the monthly is weekly calls, and you do have to stay up on your weekly calls. This isn't like, Hey, we're going to have one session here, and then three months later we're going to have a session. If you want to work with me. I am very serious about layering on, it's like stacking right? You do it week after week. If you miss a week here and there, that's fine, right? I'm not like crazy rigid, but we do want to keep consistent because that is where the deep work happens. And I want transformation, and you want transformation. So if you're going to invest in yourself, show the fog up for yourself, okay? All right. So I love you guys, and I will see you in the next episode.

Why Empaths Struggle With Boundaries (And How to Fix It Without Becoming ‘Cold’ or ‘Mean’)

If you’ve ever tried to set a boundary and instantly felt guilty — this episode is your wake-up call. Christy breaks down why empaths struggle to say no, how childhood conditioning wires you to overgive, and the exact mindset shifts that help you protect your peace without losing your warmth.

You’ll learn why your nervous system panics when you speak up, how to rewire that fear, and how to find that sweet spot between kindness and self-abandonment.

Because boundaries don’t make you cold — they make your love sustainable. 💖

✨ In This Episode, You’ll Learn:

• Why empaths confuse love with self-sacrifice

• The “nice girl” myth that keeps women stuck in burnout

• How to tell if you’re saying yes out of love or fear

• The nervous-system reason boundaries feel “wrong”

• How to set limits without guilt, shame, or freezing up

👑 Your Next Step in Healing

✨ Ready to set boundaries that actually stick — without the guilt spiral? My Empowered Boundaries Course will walk you step-by-step through how to protect your peace, voice, and energy (without losing your heart).

🎓 10 video modules + meditation bundle + lifetime access 💻 Enroll here → shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries

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💌 More Ways to Connect

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TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:00):

Hello Queens. Have you ever tried to set a boundary and immediately felt like you were the villain? Let's talk about why that happens and how to protect your peace without losing that beautiful, gorgeous heart of yours. Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom, and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice, and how to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now, I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun.

(00:58) So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up. All right, so you've probably been called maybe too sensitive, too nice or too much at some point. I've been called all of those at one point or another in my life. And as an empath, you've learned to read the room, anticipate people's needs, and we love to fix. So maybe fix all the vibes even when it costs you your own piece, right? So here's the truth though. You don't necessarily have a boundaries problem that might be more of a symptom of a different problem, which not everyone talks about, but I'm here to talk about the things we don't talk about. You have a fear of being misunderstood, problem.

(02:04) You have a fear of being misunderstood. So deep down, you may not actually be afraid of saying no. You more are afraid of being seen and perceived as someone who does not care or who is not empathetic because you in fact, do care and you don't want to be seen as something you are not. So you're afraid, not of the boundary itself, but what the reaction to the boundary will be. So this episode is your permission slip to finally say, I can be kind and still protect my peace. So let's get into it. Why empaths struggle? So first of all, you were conditioned to prioritize connection over comfort. And that could be from your childhood. You could have earlier family dynamics where you were rewarded for self-sacrifice. So like, oh, you're such a good girl when you help, right? And yes, we want to instill that in our kids, but it could go to an unhealthy level where it's always based around you pushing outside of yourself to do something for others.

(03:30) Or you could also have been punished for any self-assertion or calling things out that didn't seem right. Even if you did it in a nice kind way, or when you saw something wasn't fair and you vocalized it, you could have been punished for that, right? So your nervous system equates someone else's comfort with safety due to that. So setting boundaries can feel dangerous in your body associated with if you do set a boundary, if you do call the thing out or want to have a conversation about something and it didn't go well as a child, or maybe it won your first relationships, romantic or friendship, anything, wherever this came from, it feels like danger. When you go to that place of, oh, maybe I will address this. It's like, oh, no, nevermind. Right? That started somewhere. So your nervous system doesn't know you're setting a boundary.

(04:33) It really thinks you're about to lose love, because that at some point is probably what it felt like. And again, that could be any part of life, any person where that did start somewhere. And then we've got the nice girl myth. So society glamorizes being endlessly accommodating, especially for women. Can I get a what? Thank you. So you were taught that nice means agreeable, not authentic. When you think of authentic or unapologetic, it has this kind of negative connotation in our society, except in the women empowerment circles like here, but in general, nice is agreeable, and that does not necessarily go hand in hand. And narcissists love this because they sense who will bend for them before they even ask, right before they even really have to figure it out. So you've been praised for being easygoing or accommodating when you are actually probably just emotionally exhausted.

(05:54) Okay? So what is the fix here without becoming the cold one that you don't want to have. By the way, since I've built boundaries, I definitely have been called cold, but I also, I got to a point where I first did boundaries in kind of a softer, more loving way, which you can. And then the more I got confidence and trust in myself and realized how jacked up so many people had treated me and what I accepted and realized like, wait, that's not cool. And turned around. I did get a little more hard and people called me cold. But also, some might call you cold, even if you are coming at a boundary with love because they're not used to it and they don't want it to happen. So especially a narcissist will make it a negative thing that you're standing up or even trying to have a conversation about anything because it's not going their way when you're actually standing up for yourself or even just wanting a normal, rational discussion. So they're going to flip it, gaslight you, call you cold, all that stuff. You're not cold, you warm and hot baby. No, but you are just standing up for yourself. So what is the fix without becoming this cold person? We don't want to be so boundaries. Remember this, and I've said it before, I'll say it again. They're not walls, okay? They're doors with locks. And you get to choose who comes in and when. Okay? So remember that.

(07:41) Two, you don't need to swing from one extreme to the other, from super people pleaser to ice queen. There is a middle ground. And as long as your intention is good and about protecting you, it's not trying to control someone else. That's a big difference. You're not trying to control anybody or be mean to anybody. You're trying to control what's happening to you, and you are wanting to have peace in your life, and that is not cold. That is not mean. You're not mean for wanting peace and to protect yourself, okay? I want you to maybe write that down. I am not mean or cold for wanting peace and protection, okay? There's a middle ground there. So you don't have to be a huge, I mean, I've done it a couple times and I'm not even mad at that. It was certain situations I feel like it was, I was pushed, and I'm not saying I did anything crazy, but I might've had an attitude.

(08:47) Maybe there was a little curse word. I know. All right, so here's some shifts you can do. There's three we can start with. There's a bunch of different things in the somatic healing. I do totally helps with all of this stuff. So if you want to sign up for sessions with me, always look in the show notes and you can find out how to sign up for sessions. So the three shifts, number one, pause before you answer, and you have to regulate in some way. And I've talked about some of these ways already many times in my podcast, especially the Thrive in Fives on Thursdays, those shorter episodes, and there's a lot of regulation, somatic healing, all of that good stuff, little bits, fast things you can do to regulate before you respond. Two, check your motive. Are you saying yes to something out of love or fear? I'm going to guarantee 98% of the time it's probably out of fear, especially if you're dealing with a narky.

(09:53) So if it's out of fear, heck no, queen, you're a queen. You don't do stuff out of fear. No way you can say no. You can say it with love. You can protect yourself without being cold or an a-hole. You can say, I'm trying to think of a quick example here. And by the way, I have scripts that I will put in the show notes too that are awesome for dealing with narcissists. I'm trying to think off the top of my head. Someone comes at you, and let's say you're, I know that's a lot, and someone says, we're switching your ex, or whatever, we're switching weekends and you're really shitty if you won't do it because this is going to hurt me and the kids. And then if you won't switch the weekend because Baba, X, Y, Z, all the reasons, and you say, I'm sorry you feel that, that's going to hurt you, but I'm not able to switch this weekend and they're going to come back.

(10:59) They always do. Well, fuck you, and you know what else? And guilt you and whatever. And you're going to say, okay, again, I'm not able to do that this weekend. Have a nice day. You don't even have to be that nice, but if you want to, I know a lot of you want to save your face out there, so you want to stay sparkly, okay? And three, use gentle honesty, right? That's exactly what I'm saying. So I got a little ahead of myself, but if this is someone you do love, if this is, let's say a mother, you have to be a little more gentle if you want to maintain a relationship, a distant relationship maybe, or a very boundaried relationship. I love you, but I need to say no to this right now. Okay, I love you, but I need to say no, or I love you.

(11:48) But other example, I can't do X, Y, Z. And you don't have to take the and give a million reasons either. And my husband actually taught me that. I remember one day this was in our old house, and I was sitting there late at night all in my head about, oh gosh, I have to say no to this RSVP. It wasn't like a big boundary, but it proves a point. And he's the nicest, sweetest guy out there. But I'm sitting there and I'm like, well, there's all these reasons. I said, they're going to think I'm making this up at this point. There's three different reasons that I can't go.

(12:25) And he said, why do you have to give reasons? And I was like, I don't know. And he was like, can't you just say that you can't make it? And I was like, oh, well, I guess I could say that. But it felt so weird and foreign to me. I was so used to because of narcissists in my life, having to explain myself all the time, you don't have to. Don't take the bait. Say, you know what? I am unable to go have a great time. That's for an RSVP, RSVP. Did I say that right? But the gentle honesty, I'm going to have to say no to this, or I can't switch weekends, whatever it is. So true. Kindness doesn't drain you, right? So it's not kindness, it's condition. We've been conditioned for certain things, so we're unconditioning ourselves and we're going to be true to ourselves while still being fair.

(13:33) Nice. You can still be nice if it's someone you want to keep a relationship with, it can still be loving. I love you, but I'm going to have to say no to this. That's it. And the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Like anything, right? It's kind of like a muscle. You're not used to it and it feels bad to you because of how you've been conditioned. But believe me, it gets much easier. I've definitely walked the boundary line where I started kind of terrified of setting boundaries, especially with specific people. And now I am a boundary queen, and you can be one too. Yay. So if this episode hit home, there's also My Empowered Boundaries course. This is an epic, epic course. It's 10 prerecorded videos that you want. If you have trouble setting boundaries this, and you can go click on it and read about the details of it, it's a lot for me to spit out right now that I'm telling you, it is a life changer game changer.

(14:39) If you can't commit or have the time, the investment to work one-on-one with me, and you're looking for boundary help, this is an amazing, amazing course. And yes, I'm biased, but I'm also awesome. I'm just kidding. And if you want to do one-on-one, that's where, yes, we do boundaries, but we do so much more. The one-on-one work, the somatic healing, the healing from the body, truly like deep ingrained healing, lasting healing, it's something that you just can't quite understand until you do it. So if you want to sign up for sessions, again, everything is always in the show notes. And also make sure you're following me on the podcast so you don't miss my episodes. Thursdays, I have Thrive in Five. They're shorter like mini episodes, and they're always related to the previous Tuesday episode. So yeah, they kind of go hand in hand every week and they're fun. Yay. So make sure you're following so you don't miss any episodes. So what is it? What are we talking about here? Boundaries. They're not cold. They're how you actually keep your warmth from being wasted on the wrong people. So set those boundaries with the people that need them. And what's, oh, I love that quote. Can I think of it? One of my favorite quotes? Oh, man. It's like the only, or the people shoot something about the people who have a problem with your boundaries are the ones that need them the most or something. I don't think that's it, but you get the gist. Okay? So protect your peace queen. The world needs your heart, right? I will catch you in the next episode. Smooches.