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Final Analysis and Audacity rating

TW: eating disorders

It’s about a girl who’s half sushi! Just cum already!

PEOPLE FEEL WEIRD ABOUT MEGAN FOX.

This week Stephanie and Carleigh see how The Cell measures up! Guest starring: JLo’s butt cheeks a horny ghost!

Vince Vaughn: Listen JLo, I know that as a professional in the field of psychology you think it’s a bad idea to enter the mind of a comatose serial killer, but some other completely unrelated thing happened where a guy killed a little girl this one time and it really bothered me, so do it anyway. — The Cell (2000)

It’s time to discuss The Cell! This movie-length music video (basically) from the year 2000 features such things as JLo, MULTIPLE people named Vince, a dog, and weird horn music, but is it feminist? Stephanie and Carleigh fought off their headaches to answer this very important question for you ...

Listen to this episode if you want to know about the DAGGER-DICK BEARCLAW.

It’s snack time!!! In this episode, Carleigh and Stephanie discuss how Mercury Retrograde and Joss Whedon both super duper suck, and apologize for the fact that they didn’t keep their new release schedule going for even like, a little bit.

Stephanie and Carleigh head back to Travis to hang out with their pal, Clovis. They answer their questions and give the film its audacity rating (spoiler alert: it doesn’t score well).

Surprise! Charles’ mom is STILL hungry and STILL horny! In this episode, Carleigh and Stephanie discuss the conclusion of Sleepwalkers ... Spoiler alert: It involves Ron Perlman and the world’s most dangerous ear of corn.

“SLEEPWALKERS (n): A film that came out in 1992 but still manages to seem like it’s from the 80’s. Join our hosts as they sharpen their claws on this inappropriately horny Stephen King movie; there’s werecats, regular cats, the patriarchy misinforming women about their own body parts, and a debate about the color of Stephanie’s first car.” 

Carleigh and Stephanie stumble back into the fires of Silent Hill They discuss the problematic demographics of the town; fandom; and the strange career of Aubrey Graham AKA Drake. There might be singing, and there’s definitely yelling.

Carleigh and Stephanie are BACK and heading to (almost heaven) West Virginia to explore Silent Hill. The town the movie is based on may be fictitious, but the fact that there is a man named "Tommy Gucci" in this film is 100% true. 

Put on your pinkest peep-toe pumps and practice your bend and snap! Carleigh, Stephanie, and their feline co-hosts take a break from horror and discuss Legally Blonde (2001) and lady love in its myriad forms.

Carleigh and Stephanie have dinner at the Firefly's place, and definitely don't get upset when Baby sits on their laps. In this episode, they discuss the many transgressions of Rob Zombie;  the different depictions of trauma and its apparent effect on the audience; and whether Otis is woke. Tiny Firefly deserved better. 

Stephanie and Carleigh take a detour at Captain Spaulding's Museum of Monsters and Madmen and aggressively critique his Albert Fish exhibit. They discuss problematic crushes; kink-shaming; one-dimensional scream queens; and consider that, sometimes, the only solution is to kiss your killer. Carleigh does an uncanny Baby Firefly impression and, of course, Jason Derulo is involved...again.

Carleigh and Stephanie discuss the "crazy lady" trope, JK Rowling, parmesan cheese, and fascism in the conclusion of their discussion of Suspiria (2019). 

In this episode, Carleigh and Stephanie take a break from horror cinema and discuss their experiences in a real life haunted house. They interview a former resident of the house; discuss whether a taser is proper ghost hunting equipment; and still find time to scream about the patriarchy. 

Stephanie and Carleigh discuss Suspiria (2019), a film starring Tilda Swinton, Tilda Swinton, and Tilda Swinton. Join them as they discuss unnecessary backstories; erect nipples; urine trouble; and sex diagrams. Stephanie sings, Carleigh cries, and Dakota Johnson blinks. 

Carleigh and Stephanie RSVP’d “yes” to the cat birthday party, and are ready to eat cake... again. In part two, they discuss why disabled people are not demons; the erasure of middle-aged women in cinema and in real life; and why it’s never okay to trust a woman in a Derby hat. ** Domestic Violence Resource Center (24/7 crisis line: 1-866-469-8600 TANF — Temporary Assistance for Needy Families National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or text “LOVEIS” to 22522).

Carleigh and Stephanie meander into hell: a brownstone in Queens sometime in the year 1977. We discuss Alison, the most gaslit woman in 70's cinema; geriatric orgies; and Jeff Goldblum's perpetually unbuttoned shirt. Let's have some "black-and-white cake for a black-and-white cat" and take a nap on some satin throw pillows together. 

In part two, Carleigh and Stephanie get stuck inside the gloopy Gravity Drive on the Event Horizon and see Hell. We discuss the toxicity of #momlife; boners in Hell; so-called sexy suicide; and justice for Lt. Starck. 

Take a trip back to 1997 and climb aboard the very phallic-shaped Event Horizon with Stephanie and Carleigh as we discuss such things as the dumbest captain’s chair in cinematic history, and also swoon over Dr. Wiener and DJ Trauma.

 We formally introduce ourselves and continue our feminist critique of Ari Aster's Midsommar. 

Stephanie and Carleigh discuss Midsommar (2019), their favorite (albeit somewhat problematic) horror film.