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After an extended strike-related hiatus, we’re back! And luckily, if you’ve forgotten where we were in the story, we’re easing you back in with a no-consequence, one-off episode. This week, Teal’c gets stung by a big ol’ gross bug, which as a result, starts turning him into more bugs. It’s a tale as old as time. So while he’s dying, he runs into a streetwise young girl who quotes movies she should NOT have seen at her age and at that point of the 1990s, while our buddy Maybourne (from the Tollan episode) is looking for him for evil dissection purposes. But most importantly, we spend an inordinate amouunt of time discussing street toughs picking fights against huge guys, candy bars (again!), and Super Soaker models. We also take a brief detour into discussing the instrumentalisation of black bodies, and genetics, two topics we are nowhere near experts on but damn if our hearts aren’t in the right place. Send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord!

Time for some exposition! Please be aware that in solidarity with the ongoing SAG-AFTRA strike, and following a request from the union, this podcast will go on hiatus until the strike is resolved so as to not promote the Stargate franchise for Amazon. Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord! Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord!

This week! Just… just listen to it. We couldn’t record a regular episode this week-end so M did a quick thing. We’re sorry. Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord!

We get back to the main plot and Cimmeria when they yeet that Sagan box back at us through the stargate and we realize that a new mean goa’uld has invaded the place and it’s possibly our fault. So SG-1 goes there with basically no plan other than “win”, they get up to some forest guerrilla warfare, Carter finds herself a couple toys she might be able to use in the future, and Gairwyn tells us Thor left them a place possibly full of advanced alien goodies they can use. They split up, and while Jack and Teal’c (and one-episode wonder Olaf the Enthusiastic Viking) blow a ton of jaffa up, Daniel and Sam go with Gairwyn and stumble upon a shrine where they must subdue these trials two. One of courage, one of wisdom, and the trial of power is currently out of order due to the unas getting shot to death a year ago. At the end, they get an orb, which they can use four of to trade for life or stamina. Wait no, actually they meet Thor. For real this time. Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord!

It’s a Daniel episode! We’re on a planet where Danny-boy’s unfortunate tendency to die lands him in the wrong sarcophagus, and also in the grip of an impressively toxic woman. While the rest of SG-1 is put to slavery in the naquadah mines, Daniel realizes that taking a sarcophagus nap feels good. Maybe a little… too good? Oh no, this is a very special episode about drugs! We’ve been Beer Badded! Yeah so this is a pretty thin plot. Daniel gets addicted, SG-1 is mining, then the plot sorta resolves itself and Daniel goes into withdrawal. Michael Shanks does take the opportunity to put some footage in his Emmy nomination roll (unsuccessfully, as it would turn out), and gives us some good addict acting. And facial contortions to sell the pain of withdrawal. Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or chat with us on the Audio Entropy Discord!

Have you ever known this guy, who was just so annoying but was convinced he was a creative genius? Who had this game he came up with and would NEVER shut up about, and kept forcing all his friends to play, and which was just miserable? Clearly he was the only guy around the table having any fun while everyone else was at best just humoring him and at worst openly hostile, because his campaign was just terrible? This guy is the villain this week. We get a little more backstory for Jack and Daniel this week, as we get to see a botched black op O’Neill was involved in in the 80s, which gives us a surprise appearance by our buddy Kawalsky who died a year ago of Goa’uld-related complications. Or at least, a convincingly creepy AI-generated deepfake of him. On the Daniel side, we see his Batman origin story, as his parents get repeatedly crushed by an Egyptian temple ceiling. Nobody likes any of it, and we get this giggling asshole trying to convince everyone they’re actually having fun. Also, Teal’c gets a magnificent wig. Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord!

SG-1, high on its streak of good episodes that advance the plot, trips and falls face-first into one of the standard stock cliché sci-fi plots of the week: they break an alien law without realizing it and end up in alien prison. Whoops! This episode is at least Stargate-flavored, as said alien prison is an entire planet that is only accessed through an underground, one-way stargate, with the wardens not even showing their faces once. They just like, hose some gross goop through the stargate and let the inmates sort it out amongst themselves. So O’Neill immediately recognizes all the prison tropes he sees and decides he’s an expert in whatever’s going on here, whether it conforms to Earth prison clichés or not. Meanwhile, they meet a nice, sweet old lady who has all kinds of magical elixirs she does science-magic with, and whom all the convicts are clearly deathly afraid of. I’m sure there’s nothing to it, she must be on the level, we can have her break out with us and it’ll be fine! Narrator voice: it was not. Also: kawoosh disintegration is finally canon, and Hammond finally steps through the gate. Milestones! Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send us an e-mail at jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord!

Sam gets Goa’ulded! That’s bad! That’s it, that’s what this episode is about. Oh no! Can we possibly save her? Remembering what happened to Kawalsky a year ago? Or could there possibly be more than meets the eye in this situation, perhaps an unforeseen nuance in the Goa’uld condition that gives us a margin for solving this problem without killing off one of the show’s leads on the second episode of the second season? Who’s to say! Meanwhile, we get a short but memorable appearance by an unnamed Goa’uld assassin who correctly predicted the Hitman games, two years before the first one came out. It’s all a lot of fun. We also get to hear first mention of the Tok’ra, a faction of good Goa’uld that will be, let’s say, present in like at least 25% of all the rest of the episodes on this series, so it’s just like, nice to not have to talk around them anymore. Tok’ra Tok’ra Tok’ra. Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord!

As whenever there is a gap in recording schedule and M has a day off, Slidenotes returns. M, Jack and new guest Patch from Us Weirdos Got to Stick Together (@usweirdoscast) come together to talk about the second half of the pilot. We talk about how the writers don’t know anything about communism, the awkward fact that they named the one black man in the show “Brown”, how this episode, despite being aired separately most of the time, does not make any sense without the first one, and M’s Mandela Effect memories of a better episode that is probably just mixing up different episodes. Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord server!

Welcome back! It’s season 2, and SG-1 is still in a tightly jammed hell of a pickle, up in Klorel’s pyramid ship in orbit around Earth. They almost immediately go for plan C-4, then stop themselves upon realizing there’s also a whole second ship out there. Crud. The good news is, Bra’tac is there, along with the entire Jaffa rebellion to assist them. The bad news is, the entire Jaffa rebellion is 4 guys. Including Teal’c and Bra’tac. But good news again, Daniel is willing to go FULL SICKO MODE. So our friends pretty much improvise an entire on-the-fly plan to blow up two spaceships from scratch, and it all kinda goes better than we could’ve expected. Of course, the Goa’uld might want to think about putting a guard or two in their ships’ hallways, that might help them out. Meanwhile, down on the surface, they have a whole plan to deal with this which they’ve actually been cooking all along. Unfortunately, that plan was cooked by Cols. Samuels and off-screen Maybourne, and neither of them has seen Independence Day. Good thing NASA is there in a pinch, to launch an entire rocket into space at a day’s notice. Y’know, as they do. Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord server!

In the late 90s, the US Airforce, using a salvaged alien artifact, opened a portal to another world and discovered definitively that we are not alone in the universe. So naturally they started a war and tried to bury it. Now the war has returned as the Goa’uld, parasitic aliens posing as ancient gods have set their sights on Earth once more. In response we have created SG-1, three elite teams of… random fictional characters. (With apologies to Smash Fiction) M leads Simon, Kawika, Jimmy-Dean and their respective SG teams through challenges based on the first season of Stargate SG-1 and judges them accordingly until one is crowned winner. Why did Simon cast all Keanus? Why did Kawika pick two men from the 1800s as his experts? How does Pauly Shore’s ability to get very high prove to be a valuable asset? Find out in this special holiday bonus episode of Jaffa Takes. Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord!

It’s time. To end this season. With that big old Goa’uld invasion we’ve been promised. SG-1 manages to sneak through the Stargate surprisingly easily for a program that’s supposed to be shut down. In fact, everything at the SGC seems to be running just like normal, with the exception that SG-1 is nominally not allowed to go through the Stargate, causing some confusion and speculation as to what exactly Kinsey shut off. He got people to put sheets over all the computers, mostly. So the “planet” these coordinates Daniel brought back leads to turns out to be a spaceship that is literal minutes away from launching an attack on Earth! It’s a lucky thing space is vast and those ships aren’t too fast, which gives us ample time to deal with the problem before we get to Earth. Said problem manifests itself as Klorel, the Goa’uld now inhabiting Skaara, who turns out to be their host. Also, we’re at Earth already. Like we’re talking trivial travel time, here. Oops. Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord!

This is what you want, isn’t it you sickos. Join our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord!

We pick up right from where we left off last week! Daniel is back from the worst timeline, he’s here to warn us about Apophis’ upcoming invasion, we’re good to go, let’s go, it’s time for a budget audit by a very grumpy Republican senator arguing in bad faith and trying to get the SGC shut down. Y-yayyy? Even better news, this is a clip show! A significant amount of this episode’s runtime is made up of previous episodes, so you know what that means: a significant amount of this podcast is made up of previous podcasts, too. Enjoy the memories of the exquisite selection of episodes they pick. I had to see O’Neill’s old-man make-up again. Follow us on Twitter at @jaffatakes, send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord!

Poor little Daniel can’t catch a break. He’s found a cool mirror on a planet, puts his greasy archaeologist hand on it, and whoops, ends up in a parallel universe where things are going sideways in a hurry. O’Neill’s a general, Hammond’s a mere colonel, Sam isn’t in the military and Teal’c has just the most incredible hair. Also, he’s a bad guy, and is currently in the process of annihilating human civilization, because this is the universe where Daniel told Catherine to get bent and walked out of her car. And also other things. We’ll talk about Alternate Clinton and the brief tenure of President Gore, Goa’uld motherships and what counts as a landing platform exactly, General O’Neill and his lack of character development, tossing your whole planet away to help some guy from an alternate universe, Catherine being so nice and good and awesome and pure, and we finally, FINALLY, get someone sending a nuke through the Stargate. Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord!

Comtraya friends, and welcome to an unusually industrial episode of Stargate, where the only person on this planet is super friendly, everything is fine, you’re better than before, and you can never leave now don’t worry about it! Isn’t it great that you’re immortal now and don’t need glasses anymore, and also that your job for all eternity now is to do emergency industrial maintenance on the facility that’s keeping you alive, because if you don’t, you’ll die? Comtraya! We talk a little bit about how this episode kinda reminds me of Red Dwarf, briefly wonder if maybe Harlan is some kind of neurodivergent, which would explain a lot, we learn a lot about lubrication and burritos, and we spot how the facility they shot this episode in has definitely been used to shoot a bunch of other Vancouver-based TV shows. Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send us an e-mail at jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord!

This week, Jack O’Neill and Samantha Carter get stranded on an ice planet. Or is it… a nice planet? The answer is yes! So we have a very straightforward, internal character episode on our hands here, as on the surface level we concern ourselves with survival in a frigid cave with a grievously wounded colonel to take care of, and on the other level we come up with strategies as to how to find our missing friends. On a between-the-lines level though, we deal with the fact that this episode pretty much kickstarted the Jack/Sam ship that would go on to define a vocal portion of the fanbase. And it’s all a lot thanks to acting choices and an ad libbed boner joke! We also wonder, what DOES happen when you dial your own number now? And we deal with technical issues through the unfathomable power of AI. And we peek into the past and witness how they did have so much fun shooting their silly little space show. Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord server!

This week! We briefly visit Planet Tollan, home of the Tollans, who make up for their lack of creativity in naming things by being really advanced technologically, we’re talking Star Trek level here. We don’t stay there long though, as the planet is currently undergoing a cataclysmic volcanic eruption, and so we have to skedaddle out of there with a handful of survivors. Of those survivors, one of them is Literally the Jigsaw Killer, and he’s none too thrilled at these Earth goobers acting all friendly while staring sweatily at his tricorder-type stuff, as it turns out these are literally the Federation, in that they also have a Prime Directive, and on this show it’s the protagonists playing the role of the pre-warp civilization. The other guy is friendlier, though! Unfortunately, he’s the kind of Ph. D that doesn’t understand concepts like “bird” or “bed sheets”. But what his mind doesn’t know, his heart makes up for it, god bless that himbo. Good enough for Sam, anyway. Also Maybourne is here! God we hate Maybourne. I hate little punchable Harry so much and I’m really happy he’s finally showed up. Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send us e-mails at jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord!

Well, this was bound to happen sooner or later: SG-1 dials to a planet that remembers Teal’c, and not in a good, fun-times way. In fact, the inhabitants of this confusingly medieval-themed planet immediately point crossbows at him and then put him on trial for war crimes. Uh-oh! So in this very TNG-feeling episode, we have O’Neill cast in the role of the pragmatic realist, who instantly realizes that these people have no interest in giving Teal’c a fair trial and every interest in quickly condemning him, Daniel in the role of the well-meaning liberal who believes that playing by their rules will make them realize that there’s been a mistake, and Teal’c in the role of the repentant accused who insists that yeah, he DID kill that guy, and he DOES deserve to die for it, actually. Uh-oh! We also get Hammond absolutely washing his hands of this entire affair in a real disgusting way, because America, babyyyyy. Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord server!

Welcome back, glad to see you’re still with us after last episode. This one is better! We’re already at, by my count, the 4th Carter-centric episode, as well as the second one in a row, and they finally made a good one. The title and cold open makes you think this episode is about a black hole, but as it turns out, they pretty much forget about it immediately, and the titular singularity is, in fact, a cute, traumatized little girl whom Sam immediately takes a liking to. Of course all is not as it seems, as the planet- and SG-7-ending plague that kicks this episode off turns out not to be an accidental contamination coming from our side, but a deliberate act of biological warfare from an unseen Goa’uld. And that’s only step 1 of her plan! Nirrti is a name you should keep in mind going forward, for the record. That’s right, we tricked you, this planet of the week is actually a secret arc episode. I love Stargate. Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord server!

Why? God, why? This episode is a mess! Here we have a big ol’ poop of a script, where an evil but sexy temptress in a terrible wig comes into the SGC with a bullhorn and a neon sign that scream “I am a Goa’uld”, and the boys just kinda let it happen. Emphasis on boys, because this is 1997, and this is a very heteronormative SGC that employs a grand total of four women, plus or minus a Teal’c. So her royal highness Hathor easily finds her way into their pants and, most importantly, their hot tub, she has her way with Daniel’s, ahem, juices (no seriously), she turns O’Neill into a Jaffa but it doesn’t stick, she catches on fire (???) but then she’s fine anyway (???) and, god, I can feel my brain leaking out of my ears. We don’t even go to another planet this week. She goes to Chulak! Chulak! Where Apophis’ Jaffa live! What why just wh Send in questions on Twitter at @jaffatakes, e-mail at jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord!

Underwater Kree to all you… tadpoles (?) and welcome to this wholly inconsequential episode where first we think Daniel’s dead, and then a fish yells at him for half an hour. While 75% of SG-1 is suffering from pretty severe PTSD after being made to believe their friend died tragically, he has to figure out what fate Omoroca. They have a military funeral with full honors, but what fate Omoroca? Jack holds a pretty well-catered wake in his honor, but again I must ask, WHAT FATE OMOROCA? We’ll ask some questions of our own, such as: why is Hammond so heartless? How much beer is in that can? Who are these people at the wake? Can a hockey stick smash a car window? Does hypnosis even work anyway, and if so, how? And most importantly of all, what fate Omoroca? Daniel Jackson death count: 3 Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel in the Audio Entropy Discord!

No but for real kree in this one, y’all, and furthermore, kel shak tek’ma’te, because we have a big damn Jaffa episode, featuring the introduction of the biggest and damnest Jaffa of them all, master Bra’tac! There is no end to the love we have for this old man, he of the skull cap, dad jokes and staff volleys. So it turns out Teal’c had a wife and son back on Chulak he neglected to mention at all until now, and it turns out they kinda need to go save the boy from prim’ta right the eff now. We have plenty of words concerning throwing away perfectly good disguises , bringing only one Goa’uld thermos, the exact mechanics of how is Jaffa made, Oops All War Crimes, and it being yet another episode where they come home empty-handed. But could it be that the real treasure is the friends we made along the way? Especially when the friend in question is a bo master and also the bo shoots lasers? Who can say! Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send in e-mails to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel in the Audio Entropy Discord!

Where to even start with this one? There are three entire plots running through this episode, and each one of them is significant. They also, appropriately, all have to do with secrets. Secret the First: Sha’re is pregnant with a goa’uld baby, and we need to find out a way to keep him out of both Apophis’ and Heru’ur’s hands without them knowing we have him. Secret the Second: somebody’s a snitch! This one nosy reporter tracks down Jack and starts asking him extremely pointed questions about how exactly he’s spending all his time over in Colorado. Secret the Third: we meet Sam’s dad, he’s a full-on general and friend of Hammond’s, and while he’s not exactly in the loop for all things gate-related, he immediately zones in on the cover story being bullshit. So this story feels like our protagonists trying to hold water in their hands and they’re spilling it in all directions. There’s also a running theme of nepotism, as both Apophis and Jacob Carter have apparently decided exactly what their children should be doing with their lives, and in both cases our heroes aren’t happy with it. Finally, we get the best version of high-stakes Washington DC espionage you can shoot in Vancouver, as some unseen puppetmaster decides to close the lid on the upcoming scandal. It’s a lot, and virtually all of it leads to further episodes down the line! Very little of it is decidedly resolved by the end of it! Drama! Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord!

Kree to all of you cool jazz cats (?), and welcome to this slightly 40s-infused Stargate episode. This week, remember Catherine? From the movie? We check up on her and her old boyfriend, whom it turns out oops, we may have possibly stranded on an alien planet 50 years ago. Our bad. So we head there and what do we find? Lore! Piles and piles of lore! More lore than you could possibly absorb in a lifetime, not that it’s gonna stop Daniel from attempting the archive binge to end them all. Literally, as it turns out, as everybody’s favorite humanities experts starts to err on the side of fuck my life if I can just get to all this content. Out of this adventure, we get a slight consolidation of two separate plot threads from past episodes (not that you’d know this yet), the first allusion to a BIG plot thread for later down the line, and we learn literally everything we’re ever gonna know about the Furlings. Except their name. Which I just told you. You’re welcome. Send questions to our Twitter at @jaffatakes, or e-mail us at jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com

Kree, mortals, and see the mighty Thor smite the enemies of Midgard! This week, Daniel comes up with a theory that has some, PROBLEMS, regarding which gods are good and which are bad, but then it turns out to be 100% accurate. Oops. So Teal’c knows about this one planet the Goa’uld are afraid of, which the team immediately decides is worth a visit. Turns out, oops. We’ll talk about the Asgard and the Unas, the weird blind spot this security system has for Jaffa, James Earl Jones’ stunning but short performance, thunder on a nice sunny day, Daniel and his wife guy energy, and we’ll court SEO by giving you our impressions of the recently released Thor: Love And Thunder. Also, we ran into some audio sync issues in this podcast, so you might hear some overlapping talk or awkward silences, apologies about that. Send questions on Twitter at @jaffatakes, or e-mail at jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com

Kree everyone, and let me tell ya, it’s really hard to talk around the fact that O’Neill fucks a baby in this one. Just gonna put my cards on the table right now about this. Someone went hey, we should have Colonel Jack O’Neill eat a roofie flower pizza and then accidentally have sex with a baby. Then he turns into a prospector and they spend 40-something minutes talking about it. Over the course of this terrible episode, we’ll also discuss the fact that Dan-El sounds like a kryptonian name, we’ll question how the Argosians can possibly learn anything or have a functioning society in the short lifespans they have, we’ll also notice how quickly they are to turn their entire belief system upside-down as soon as an angry colonel tells them to, and we’ll point out that Pelops is Lovin’ It. Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, or send questions to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com

Kree with us, SG-1 and Apophis to a magical forested fairyland where everyone’s favorite Ferengi will tell everyone that he would really like if they all just got along already and stopped it with all the fighting. Please leave our planet. Please stop dying and killing us and just leave. For the love of— LEAVE, SG-1, GOD DAMN IT. We’ll also talk about the frankly unreasonable secretary of defense, Shak’l’s lovable shittiness, the Air Force’s advanced level 3 fletchery training regimen, the Nox’s frustrating and confusing principles, their mysterious technological level, how Teal’c can possibly not know about Apophis’ personal shield, and how Apophis straight up tortures a child to death in this episode. Daniel Jackson death count: 2 Find our Twitter at @jaffatakes, or send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com

M, Jimmy-Dean and special guest Jack take over the show to talk about the first episode of everybody’s favourite Vancouver filmed 90s Sci-Fi tv show about Wormholes. That’s right, Sliders (1995). We talk about Jerry O'Connell’s surprisingly extensive career, bad physics and the physicists who take no responsibility, the friendzone, why more sci-fi needs washed up Motown singers, half remembered plots of other Sliders episodes, systemic societal problems that have not changed since the 90s and CONTROVERSIAL OPINIONS. They left three very digressive people in charge of the show, I don’t remember everything we said. Slide into our DMs at @jaffatakes, or send an e-mial to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com

This episode is so sad! Seriously, it wrecks me every single time. This week, Stargate SG-1 tackles grief, and deals with some real heavy, complicated human emotions, relationships being torn apart by tragedy, guilt, and hiding your emotions behind a sense of humor as a man who’s been raised not to show weakness. It’s a lot! But fear not, we also get Carter and Daniel being some total nerds who spend their weekend at the office doing science, Teal’c really desperately wanting to see the sights and sorta getting his wish (and his first funny hat), we discuss the distance between Chicago and Cheyenne Mountain and O’Neill’s frequent flyer status, and Jimmy-Dean mentions The Boys and I hear The Voice and go on a nonsensical tangent. I was pretty tired towards the end there. Big week-end. Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, or send e-mails to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com

And lo the Lord spake, Kree my children, and welcome to Stargate’s very blatant, let’s say homage, to the classic war novel Heart of Darkness. Meet SG-9, or what’s left of it, after their leader has gone absolutely bugnuts, killed their Daniel, had their Carter go along with it, and had their Teal’c just barely manage to call for SG-1 to come bail them out of both their Jonas Hanson problem and their Bad Sun problem. We’ll get to see the sky turn orange, enjoy a lot of scenery-chewing, see Teal’c try and fail to seem friendly, and in a question-raising first, see a horizontal Stargate. Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, or send any questions to comments to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com

Ooga booga kree, cavespeople, and wonder as our heroes once again bring something dangerous back home through the gate! It won’t be the last time. This week, we also meet Dr. Fraiser, see an interesting astronomical phenomenon they don’t do anything interesting with, and Daniel gets really into the bulls, phrenology, and getting his face mauled in repeatedly. Plus, please stop calling Teal’c Lucy, that is plainly and evidently not his name. Please. Follow our Twitter on @jaffatakes or send any questions to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com

Kree, I’m gonna level with y’all, it’s a real bad one. An absolute dogturd of an episode. We got Mongols and they’re sexist as hell and it’s even worse than you think. But we have a good time dissecting this particular pile of puke, in large part because Shang Tsung is in it. But so’s a lot of assumptions about non-white people and the threat they pose to white women, Daniel being a real shithead in the name of anthropology, bad gender assumptions copy-pasted on a culture it didn’t fit, good cute puppers being dubbed over with angry dog noises, honor fight to the death genre blindness, and Teal’c asking what an Oprah is. Follow us on Twitter at @jaffatakes, or send any questions to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com

Kree! (means Listen, and is not the name of this Goa’uld) This week, we conclude the opening run of arc episodes leading us to the show’s initial status quo, with a very sad, grim episode. Everything kinda sucks right now. The Goa’uld are mean, the Pentagon is mean, everyone is mean. Teal’c is good though, even though this week he might have good reason to wonder if maybe joining with these Tauri was such a good idea. Topics will include 90s CG computer scanners, the startling lack of security in the control room, the now weekly So Just How Do Stargates Even Work Anyway, Daniel being a so very sleepy sleepy boy, and we’ll treat you to our very good Bill Clinton impressions, lucky you. Follow us on Twitter at @jaffatakes, or send any questions to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com

The plot thickens, as Teal’c interrogates Epona’s First Prime to try to figure out just what is going on here, exactly. Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord!

Kree as we conclude Children of the Gods and very nearly reach the first status quo that will lead us to our first batch of regular episodes, ish! We’ll discuss Teal’c’s progressively sadder face, Capital P Problems, Daniel’s 18-hour coma, Major Samuels and his all-too-gleeful disposition towards stranding SGs 1 and 2 on an alien planet forever, O’Neill’s cottagecore huge wooden utensils, that one memorable caveman prisoner, the surprising running theme with people losing their wives after taking a Stargate to Earth, planetary refugee policy, and end the episode with Oops All Goa’ulds. Follow the podcast’s Twitter at @jaffatakes, or send any questions or feedback to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com for us to answer!

Kree (coughs and sneezes), Jaffa, and welcome to a slightly sick Simon covering the start of the start of Stargate SG-1! Bear with my voice on this one as I was fighting a cold while recording. Sit with us and we’ll discuss the surprisingly cheap start of this show, talking about cringey lines, funny kleenex jokes, General Hammond and his all-purpose bluff-calling nuke, the pros and cons of Jaffa gear, How Does The Iris Work Anyway?, and did we mention the writers being absolutely unable to deal with a girl being in the cast with any kind of tact or dignity? ‘Cause Carter sure literally refers to her uterus in this one. Follow the podcast’s Twitter at @jaffatakes, or send any questions or feedback to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com for us to answer!

Kree to all you Gateheads, and welcome to the end of the beginning, as we finish our coverage of 1994’s pre-eminent space desert movie, Roland Emmerich’s Stargate! Topics covered include confusing cuts away from battle scenes, quickly rebounding PTSD meltdowns, convenient point of origin reveals, failed fast-walk stealth gambits, and Ra just being a shitty little idiot. We also say goodbye to Kurt Russell and James Spader as they’re about to be recast, and introduce our new watchers to Michael Shanks and his haircuts. Follow the podcast’s Twitter at @jaffatakes, or send any questions or feedback to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com for future listener question segments!

Kree to all the boys and goa’ulds, good to have you back with us as we cover the middle third of Roland Emmerich’s 1994 space desert movie, Stargate! This week we’ll talk a lot about the joys of eating chocolate in the blazing Abydonian sun, O’Neil’s newfound Abydonian son, we’ll discuss the road not taken with regards to lighter brands, witness Spader taking a peek but restraining his urges, and of course, CHICKEN BAWK BAWK BAWK. Oh also there’s evil aliens in a pyramid ship or something. Daniel Jackson death count: 1 Follow the podcast’s Twitter at @jaffatakes, or send any questions or feedback to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com for future listener question segments!

Kree to y’all, and welcome to episode 1 of Jaffa Takes, where we’ll cover the first 40 minutes of Stargate (1994), the questionably but mostly canonical movie that first opened the gate. On the way there, we’ll discuss O’Neil’s truly depressing backstory, the myriad tiny ways you have to pretend the words you see are other words, The Ancient Aliens Problem, Richard Kind and the dark future that awaits his character, and of course, James Spader’s truly bizarre board-writing skills. Follow the podcast’s Twitter at @jaffatakes, or send any questions or feedback to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com for future listener question segments!

It’s your kid, Teal’c! Something’s gotta be done about your kid! That’s the gist of the news Bra’tac brings to the SGC this week. First of all, Apophis is alive (which the viewers knew but the characters only now learn), and second of all, he’s kidnapped Rya’c! This is all clearly a trap, but what are we gonna do, not save a kid? And maybe kill 9 or 10 of the very few serpent guards left in Apophis’ employ? Let’s go! So we find that Drey’auc has moved up in the world, from a tent in the village of outcasts all the way to a lavish villa in the nice part of town. And Teal’c’s old friend, old trustworthy reliable Fro’tak, is living with her! Which is a whole situation Bra’tac has apparently heard absolutely nothing about! Anyway, Teal’c takes the news somehow even worse than you would think, nearly kills the guy, and then spends the whole rest of the episode insisting that the very obvious trap they’re falling into is not a trap at all. He’s having a bad day. Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel in the Audio Entropy Discord!

Somehow we’ve found ourselves having to explain metal casting extreme body mod to a horse. Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord!

The ponies from My Little Pony: famously fans of the US Air Force? Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord!

We come back with this extremely cheap episode, where the SGC is stuck with a hell of a predicament when they find a cool alien ball which, instead of allowing Samus to turn into a ball herself, turns out to just sprout spikes and generally become a nuisance. And by nuisance I mean “stabs O’Neill straight through his entire shoulder, pins him to the wall and infects him with an alien supervirus”. None of this stops Daniel from engaging in some hot office gossip concerning a young lieutenant who has a certain captain on his mind, and an unfortunate allergy to antibiotics. All this turns into an excuse to turn a bucket of UV paint and the regular sets and cast into 43 minutes of TV. In the grand old tradition of cheap TV sci-fi, they just talk about the problem until they stumble on the solution, which is obviously, Some Star Trek Shit. Plus, Teal’c tells a joke! We love Teal’c. Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord!

I have to hand it to ‘em, I didn’t think I’d ever hear the phrase “Jaffa horse dogfight”. Follow our Twitter at @jaffatakes, send an e-mail to jaffatakespodcast@gmail.com, or join our channel on the Audio Entropy Discord!