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Why do some people constantly put others first, struggle to say no, worry excessively about upsetting people, or feel guilty for prioritising themselves?

In this episode of Healing for Love, Dr. Gemma Gladstone explores the deeper psychology behind people pleasing through a schema therapy lens.

This is not simply about being “too nice.” People pleasing is often a learned survival strategy rooted in early relational experiences, attachment dynamics, fear, guilt, conditional acceptance and coping styles developed in childhood.

Gemma unpacks:

•  What people pleasing actually is 
•  Why it develops 
•  The difference between self-sacrifice, subjugation and approval-seeking 
•  Why guilt and fear often drive people pleasing behaviours 
•  How early family dynamics shape self-suppression 
•  Why some women struggle to set boundaries or speak up in relationships 
•  The connection between people pleasing and emotionally unavailable or narcissistic partners 
•  How schemas influence dating, relationships and self-trust 
•  Why people pleasing is often linked to survival, safety and connection 
•  Small practical steps to begin changing these patterns 

This episode also explores:

•  Self-sacrifice schema 
•  Subjugation schema 
•  Approval-seeking schema 
•  Abandonment dynamics 
•  Conditional parenting 
•  Coping modes and “dating personas” 
•  The importance of reconnecting with your own needs, preferences and authenticity 

If you often:

•  Put other people’s needs ahead of your own 
•  Feel guilty saying no 
•  Worry excessively about upsetting others 
•  Need reassurance before making decisions 
•  Stay quiet to avoid conflict 
•  Feel anxious expressing yourself 
•  Struggle with boundaries in dating or relationships 

…this episode will likely resonate deeply.

Mentioned in this episode

Gemma also shares details about her upcoming self-study program:
Love Wisely Foundations (coming soon!) - a schema-informed relationship program designed to help women understand and rewrite unhealthy relationship patterns and “love template.”

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🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

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Send Gemma a message

Dating apps can feel like a bit of a horror show at times.

But underneath the frustration, the confusion and the endless swiping… there’s something much deeper going on.

In this episode, I explore how your schemas - particularly abandonment, defectiveness, emotional deprivation and people-pleasing patterns - can shape:

•  Who you feel drawn to 
•  What you tolerate 
•  And why you might ignore your own instincts 

I also walk you through a more grounded, intentional way to approach dating apps - not as “dating platforms,” but simply as introduction tools.

Because real dating doesn’t happen on the app.
 It happens in real life.

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Send Gemma a message

In today’s episode, I answer a short but powerful question that came in anonymously:

If you’ve ever stared at a dating app wondering why nothing is happening and quietly concluded “it must be me”, this episode is for you.

I'll look at three key areas:

• The reality of modern dating apps – why they create a distorted, “smorgasbord” environment where incredible, emotionally available people are often overlooked.
• Other people’s issues – how emotional immaturity, avoidance and misaligned intentions show up on the apps (and why you can’t control that).
• Your schemas and your “type” – how schema chemistry and rigid “type” criteria might be leading you towards emotionally unavailable partners and away from people who could actually be good for you.

I’ll invite you to:

• Re-examine how you’re presenting yourself on the apps (without becoming a slave to what you think men want).
• Widen the pool by giving a chance to the “6 or 7 out of 10” guys (ie, the level of chemistry you feel! I'm not rating people!) who feel kind, calm and safe – rather than only chasing the intense 10/10 chemistry.
• Remember that your worth, lovability and desirability are not measured in matches.

If you’re feeling discouraged or asking “what’s wrong with me?”, I want you to know: you are not the problem. Dating apps are hard and your current results say nothing about your deeper value or your capacity for a healthy, loving relationship.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why so many wonderful women and emotionally available men get passed over on dating apps
• How our throwaway, dopamine-driven culture affects the way people swipe
• Why leading with highly sexualised photos can accidentally screen out good men
• How schema chemistry pulls you towards what’s “familiar” rather than what’s healthy
• How to gently expand beyond your usual “type”
• Practical ways to pace yourself and protect your emotional wellbeing while dating

Resources mentioned:

• Free guide: Dating with Insight – download via the link in the show notes.
• Love Wisely – my 12-week online group program for women who want to break their pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable, narcissistic or avoidant partners. Doors open again in March – join the priority waitlist via the link in the show notes.
• Episode 130 – on cultivating a new dating mindset (recommended companion episode).

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

Parenting is not easy. It is even harder for those raised by narcissistic parents because that is a particularly toxic way to rear a child. 

In this episode, Gemma and Justine answer a mailbox question from a listener brought up by a mother with narcissistic traits. Even though the listener acknowledges that her mother loved her, and did her best, some of what she said and did still impacted her life and mental health. As a result, she sometimes lacks empathy for her children and finds herself saying or doing the same things her mother would have done. She feels a lot of guilt and shame because of that.

In this episode, we dive into what you need to do as a parent if you were raised by someone with narcissistic traits and want to avoid rearing your children in the same way. We take a close look at the things you have to be mindful of and do that narcissistic parents struggle with or tend not to do.  Stay tuned to find out what to do and how to cope if you were under-parented or had narcissistic parents, and then become a parent yourself.
 
For confidential information, counseling, and support service go to  https://1800respect.org.au.

Additional resource: John Gottman’s Emotional Coaching

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

In our last podcast, we spoke about what an abandonment schema might look like generally when dating someone. In this episode, we follow that by taking a more specific look at the different coping styles people tend to use when their abandonment schema gets triggered in a dating situation. 

Our schemas get triggered when certain things happen. When triggered, strong emotions arise, and we feel compelled to respond in a certain way to cope. Schema therapy clearly explains three common responses people have after getting triggered. One of them falls into the broad category of avoidance. Another is surrendering or resigning to what happened. The third is overcompensating, sometimes also referred to as counterattack. 

In this episode, we discuss the three different ways people cope with the intense feelings that surface when their abandonment schema gets activated. We give some examples of what each response might look like, focusing particularly on those that come up when an abandonment schema gets triggered. We discuss ways to change your response patterns, explain the importance of learning to understand how you react and talk about the potential consequences of the different coping styles. Stay tuned for more!

For confidential information, counselling, and support service go to  https://1800respect.org.au.

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Welcome to the first episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast for 2022!
 
When making new year resolutions, most of us tend to think about things we can improve in our lives and the patterns we would like to change. One of those patterns usually relates to relationships. Justine has already had several sessions this year with people who want to break their relationship patterns so that they can finally meet someone emotionally available and have a proper relationship.

Our schemas tend to hinder our relationship radar and keep us doing the same thing over and over. If you have an abandonment schema and would like to meet someone available, you have to take responsibility for the choices you make and look at how your schema impacts your choices. If you want to avoid becoming a victim, you also need to be accountable for the role you play in your relationships. 

The abandonment schema is the oldest and most primal schema you could have. In this episode, Gemma and Justine dive into the abandonment schema and discuss how it affects people when they date. They explain how an abandonment schema develops, what it feels like, and what tends to activate it. Justine also talks about what she does to help her clients prevent their abandonment schemas from getting triggered when dating. Listen in today to learn how to take responsibility for your abandonment schema and find out how your abandonment schema could trip you up when dating.

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Welcome back! 

2022 will be a great year!

Today Gemma discusses what it's like having a narcissistic parent and presents one of our older episodes (our most popular episode yet).

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

Some of the ways we behave and think are known as schemas. Schemas could be described as a filter through which we view the world, and they are closely linked to our deeply entrenched core beliefs.

Recently, Justine and Gemma received emails from various listeners experiencing similar problems. One of the emails was from Harry, who explained that he has an empathetic personality and suffered from being in a relationship with someone narcissistic, which probably means he has a self-sacrifice schema and possibly some other issues as well. Sally also wrote in to say that she has a friend who is a big self-sacrificer, and it gets in the way of her life. 

In this episode, Gemma and Justine look at Harry and Sally's situations and discuss schemas. They describe the self-sacrifice schema. They also describe the subjugation schema, which is different but often gets correlated with the self-sacrifice schema clinically. They discuss what those schemas feel like, what brings them up, and the kinds of problems they cause for people. They also give several tips for breaking out of self-sacrifice and subjugation schema patterns. Stay tuned for more!

Book mentioned in the show: When the Body Says No, by Gabor Mat

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

Some of the ways we think and some of our behavioral tendencies are called schemas. Schemas could be described as the lens through which we see the world. They are closely related to our ingrained core beliefs but tend to be a little broader than those. 

Schema therapy makes things very clear and gives us some easy-to-understand labels to describe our behavior. Justine and Gemma have found schema therapy useful for problem-solving and understanding what is going on beneath the surface in relationships. 

In this episode, they dive into the area of relationships and look at how early schemas can overlap with people’s attachment styles to form the antagonistic push-pull relationships in which so many of us seem to find ourselves. They describe the anxious and avoidant styles of attachment and discuss some general terms that could help us think in terms of schemas rather than larger categories of behavior. Stay tuned for more!

For confidential information, counseling, and support service go to  https://1800respect.org.au.

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

Most people have an inner critic. Some are aware of it and acknowledge it, while others do not seem to notice the disparaging voice talking to them inside their head. The inner critic does not have to be a constant and deliberate internal narrative. It could also be a cluster of automatic thoughts or things you say out loud to yourself. 

Gemma enjoys looking through the lens of schema therapy when she works with people because it provides a helpful language for learning to understand the inner critic. Schema therapy assists her in pulling the critical voice apart. That allows her to take a closer look at all the different types of critics and assess the various functions they might perform. It helps to know what triggers the critical voice, whether or not its messages are useful, and if it comes from anyone in particular. 

In this episode, Gemma explores the inner critic by breaking it down, examining how the different elements play out, and discussing how to shift them, change them or shape them into something useful. Stay tuned for more!

For confidential information, counseling, and support service go to  https://1800respect.org.au.

Book mentioned: Reinventing Your Life, by Jeffrey E. Young

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

In this mailbox episode, Gemma and Justine address two questions submitted by two different listeners. One of the questions is about co-parenting children with a narcissistic ex-partner and how to protect them from the negative influences of their narcissistic parent. The other question is about supporting a partner while they have schema therapy. 

Like any other personality trait, type, or disorder, narcissism falls on a continuum, so every case is different and comes with its own level of difficulty. People can fall anywhere on the spectrum, from having a few narcissistic traits to being an extremely toxic pathological and malignant narcissist. Some people with narcissistic traits could also have some healthy traits. So you might be able to communicate with them rationally in their healthy moments, while others may have more extreme traits and can be more difficult to deal with as a co-parent.

Narcissism is a complicated topic, and co-parenting your children with a narcissistic ex-partner can be very tricky. You can go back and listen to episodes 14, 17, 20, and 22 to gain a deeper understanding of narcissism and learn how to deal with the narcissist in your life. Those episodes also cover how to manage your narcissistic parents when you are an adult.

For confidential information, counseling, and support service go to  https://1800respect.org.au.
Free webinar on co-parenting with a narcissist: https://susanstif
Emotion Coaching information
Books: Disarming the Narcissist, by Wendy Behary

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

Some distinct red flags tend to show up in the very early stages of dating that indicate that the person you are dating is likely to become emotionally unavailable, controlling, or toxic in a relationship. When you are in that situation, it can be hard to understand what is going on, and if you really want the relationship to work out, you could even become resistant and fail to recognize your schemas when they come up.

In this episode, Gemma and Justine continue with their series on the indicators of coerciveness or control in the early stages of dating. In the last episode, they did a therapist/client role-play to help you identify some early markers of controlling behaviors, understand what they mean, and recognize the feelings that tend to arise when that happens. In this episode, they refer to that role-play and take a deeper dive into the topic. They focus on schemas that might come up for the client and analyze what could be going on with her internally after being triggered by the guy she is dating. Stay tuned today to find out about the schemas that could make you vulnerable to control and learn how to avoid the possibility of landing up in a toxic relationship.

Reinventing Your Life by Janet S. Klosko and Jeffrey Young
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson
See What You Made Me Do by Jess Hill
The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker
In Control by Jane Monckton Smith

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Send Gemma a message

Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

Managing all the uncertainty surrounding the pandemic can be tough and make it hard for many of us to remain grounded during these challenging times. That’s why we need to talk openly with our kids about anything that could be worrying them and spend some extra time on our self-care right now.

Gemma and Justine are passionate about helping women make better choices in their relationships. In this new series of episodes, they will be focusing on helping women to identify the red flags that tend to show up very early on when dating, or in relationships, that could potentially lead to emotional unavailability in a partner, a partner being controlling, or a more dangerous outcome.

In the past, Justine and Gemma have both been in relationships with unavailable partners. Many of their clients have also experienced problematic relationship patterns. In this episode, they will be talking about some of the markers that might show up soon after you meet someone that could give away a tendency for them to become controlling and toxic in a relationship. Stay tuned today to learn about coercive control and how to spot some of the darker red flags that might show up early on when you are dating someone.

Reinventing Your Life by Janet S. Klosko and Jeffrey Young
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson
See What You Made Me Do by Jess Hill
The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker
 In Control by Jane Monckton Smith

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🎁 Dating With Insight - FREE Guide

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We hear the term “emotionally unavailable” all the time, yet many women are not sure what the opposite actually looks like in real life. In this episode, Gemma breaks down emotional availability in clear, practical terms, so you can recognise it early, feel safer in your body and stop settling for relationships that leave you guessing.

Gemma also explores how schemas like Emotional Deprivation and Abandonment shape what feels “normal” in love, why emotionally safe partners can feel boring or suspicious at first, and how you can slowly retrain your nervous system to relax into healthy connection.

In this episode, you will learn:

• What the Emotional Deprivation schema is
  • How it forms in childhood
  • Why it makes it hard to identify and express your needs
• Why you can consciously want an emotionally available partner yet keep feeling pulled toward distance, inconsistency, or intensity
• How schemas and your unconscious “love template” drive partner choice and keep you in familiar but unfulfilling patterns
• Ten signs of an emotionally available partner, including someone who:
  1. Takes an active interest in you, asks thoughtful questions, remembers details, and wants to know your inner world
  2. Has actions that match their words, shows up consistently, and follows through
  3. Is emotionally responsive, listens when you are vulnerable, validates your feelings, and attempts repair after conflict
  4. Is predictable rather than chaotic, so your nervous system can settle instead of living on high alert
  5. Is willing to talk about the relationship and co create something with you instead of avoiding emotional conversations
  6. Has emotional self awareness, can name their feelings, take responsibility, and does not shame you for having emotions
  7. Shows care through steady, thoughtful actions that leave you feeling valued and appreciated
  8. Allows closeness without pulling away or going hot and cold after intimacy
  9. Makes room for your needs and respects your boundaries, instead of calling you “too needy” when you ask for contact or reassurance
  10. Is kind in a felt way - gentle with your vulnerabilities, respectful in conflict, and emotionally generous
• Why emotional availability can feel “boring” or even suspicious if you grew up with chaos, distance, or inconsistency
• A real life example from a Love Wisely client who noticed her physical tension drop when she finally dated someone emotionally available
• How to start looking at your own relationship history through the lens of schemas and emotional availability so you can choose differently next time

Gemma

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

Some people find it very hard to cope if their best friend goes out with another friend or starts a new friendship with someone else. They might find themselves feeling cut off, needy, jealous, or even angry. Abandonment triggers in a friendship can be just as strong as those in a romantic relationship. Especially if that friendship is a special one and the friend is someone important to you. In those situations, the same feelings could come up as they would in a romantic relationship. That can be quite confusing.

In this episode, Gemma and Justine answer a mailbox question they received from a therapist who wrote in asking for tips for some of her clients struggling with an abandonment schema and friendships. Those clients were finding it very hard to cope with the problems they experienced in their platonic relationships. Stay tuned today to hear about the triggers that can come up in your friendships when you have an abandonment schema and learn what to do to create healthier relationships.

Reinventing Your Life By Janet S. Klosko and Jeffrey Young
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson
Podcast Justine mentioned: https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/the-peter-attia-drive/id1400828889?i=1000484615115

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!
 
Gemma and Justine have another conversation in their series on breakups and schemas in this episode. 

If you have ever experienced a breakup when you have an abandonment schema, you know how traumatic it is. So it is understandable if you would want to avoid going through that pain again. In this episode, Justine and Gemma share a mailbox segment. They answer a question sent in by a client of Justine, who is in the process of addressing her abandonment schema. Although she is doing well and has started experimenting with finding a relationship, she has become aware of a strong urge to avoid looking for a partner because she fears the feelings that might arise if things fail to work out. 

In trying to care for herself in the longer term, Justine’s client is struggling to deal with her fears around the possibility of having to feel the feelings of abandonment again.  Be sure to stay tuned today to find out what to do and how to cope if you are in that situation.

Books:
Reinventing Your Life
Reinventing Your Life By Janet S. Klosko and Jeffrey Young       
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

The break up of a romantic relationship causes so much angst and heartache for so many of us. Some people can’t stop thinking about their ex, and regardless of whether they did the breaking up or someone broke up with them, they cannot get that person out of their mind. They remain emotionally invested and find it hard to stop ruminating, even if they were with the person only for a few dates or a short-term relationship.

In this episode, Gemma and Justine continue with their conversation on the theme of romantic break-ups. They talk about some of the ways that schemas can trip you up during a break-up. You might become distressed and confused when you cannot stop thinking about the person with whom you have broken up. You might dream about your ex-partner, and it could even reach a point where your friends and family start becoming frustrated with you for not moving on. Yet, you still find yourself trapped in a continuous loop from which you feel unable to break free. When a schema gets activated, it adds another layer of emotional suffering to something that is already hard, so be sure to stay tuned today to find out what to do when you cannot get over your ex after breaking up.

Books:
Reinventing Your Life By Janet S. Klosko and Jeffrey Young
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!
 
It is not uncommon early on in a relationship to realise deep down that your emotional needs will not be met, yet you find you are unable to leave. Things might have started hopefully, and you crave the connection and want things to work out, but you see a red flag. Or there may have been an accumulation of things that have added up over time. Either way, it is painful to be in a position where you know it is in your best interest to break things off, but you cannot do it. 

In this episode, Gemma and Justine follow on from their last conversation in the area of breakups. In this episode, they talk about what happens in the early stage of a relationship, or a newly established relationship, when part of you knows that things are not working, or something is not right, but you cannot get out of it. Be sure to stay tuned today to learn how to start moving away from toxic patterns when you find your schemas getting in the way of calling it quits with a relationship. 

Recommended Book: Reinventing Your Life

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

Some people struggle a lot with the intensity of their feelings when they are in the throes of a break-up of a romantic relationship, particularly when they have an abandonment schema as well. The pain of the break-up and the schema becoming activated simultaneously presents a unique situation that leaves those individuals fraught with painful feelings.

In this episode, Gemma and Justine discuss why that kind of break-up feels so painful. They talk about what a normal break-up might feel like and explain how an abandonment schema adds extra suffering and a particularly unpleasant element to the break-up of a relationship. If you have an abandonment schema, be sure to listen in today to find out why you might be having such intense feelings and emotions after a break-up with someone you only met recently. You will also learn how an abandonment schema could lead to depression and how to make sense of that kind of situation in the future.

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Welcome to another episode of the Good Mood Clinic podcast!

Meeting people is hard and dating can be tricky business. Almost everyone is using dating apps these days, regardless of  age. However, navigating your way through those apps can be a daunting experience. It is often fraught with problems, especially in the beginning.

Many of us grapple with issues associated with online dating. Today, Gemma and Justine talk about the early stages of meeting and communicating with someone online, which is often a challenge with which many of their clients struggle.  Be sure to tune in today to learn how to make it easier to find a loving partner.

Study Justine Referred to:  https://theconversation.com/men-are-from-mars-women-are-from-mars-how-people-choose-partners-is-surprisingly-similar-but-depends-on-age-161081

Recommended books:
Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young
Love Me Don’t Leave Me by Michelle Skeen
Breaking Negative Relationship Patterns by Bruce A. Stevens and Eckhard Roediger

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Welcome to another episode of the Good Mood Clinic podcast!

In this episode, Gemma Gladstone follows on with the theme of red flags. 

A short while ago, Gemma and Justine introduced their course called The Red Flag Project. The Red Flag Project course stems from their experience working with a niche group of women going to therapy to work on a consistent pattern they observed in their lives where relationships became unsustainable. Or they kept on getting romantically involved with partners who were avoidant or had difficulty forming secure relationships. Those patterns could play out in any relationship. Because our schemas, how we were raised, and our attachment history and patterns tend to influence our partner choice and the push-pull dynamic in our relationships. 

There is a sub-group of women who seem to get involved with narcissistic men who could be very controlling or even dangerous, and some women find it hard to notice and act upon the early warning signs. Today, Gemma talks about the difference between caring and controlling behavior within relationships and the red flags that show up as early boundary violations. Be sure to listen in to learn about the red flags that could alert you to patterns of coercive control in your relationship.

For women seeking counseling, support, or guidance, contact 1800 737 732
For men seeking counseling, support, or guidance, contact the men’s helpline 1300 78 99 78

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Welcome back to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

Gemma and Justine are back after a short hiatus due to some ups and downs and a lot going on in their lives recently. They have been having some interesting conversations with their clients and one another lately about odd things that set them off.  In this episode, they discuss a few of the psychological quirks and issues that some people may experience.

Gemma has a problem with feeling disgusted by some of the noises made by the people she is close to when they eat or slurp a drink. It is actually a thing, and it is called misophonia. In this episode, Gemma and Justine share some information about misophonia, mirror-touch synaesthesia, trypophobia, and Alice in Wonderland Syndrome. Be sure to join them today to learn about those conditions and to find out if your thing might be some type of condition or psychological syndrome.

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

In this episode, Gemma shares her experience and impressions of working with clients who have had the unfortunate experience of being 'diagnosed' with "treatment-resistant depression".  Gemma believes this is a dangerous and disempowering label which does nothing to help people get to the bottom of what's driving their depression. 

Gemma has been doing therapy with people in a clinical practice setting since 2001. In 2005, she finished  an eleven-year association with a tertiary referral clinic for mood disorders, where she worked in various positions in a clinical research capacity.   During those eleven years, Gemma came in contact with hundreds of people referred for depression. Many of those patients had some type of mood disorder, like major depressive or bipolar disorder, and they were often referred to as treatment-resistant.

In this episode, she shares her thoughts centering around people coming to therapy when they have been spending years struggling with a mood disorder like chronic depression or recurrent bouts of a major depressive episodes. She talks mainly about the psychological nature/risk factors and the psycho-social aspects of depression.

Recommended books: Reinventing Your Life  by Jeffrey Young and Complex PTSD by Pete Walker

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

In this episode, Jen Hoey joins us as our guest on the podcast. This episode is the first in a series where we will be discussing the dangers that our kids face online. In the series, we will be highlighting some pertinent things that we need to think about and look out for in that area.

Over the years, Jen has developed a passionate interest in the topic of kids online. And she has become knowledgeable about how to protect kids in the online space. Unfortunately, her interest stems from a personal experience with her daughter. In this episode, Jen will tell us the story of that experience to highlight what goes on with kids online. 

In response to what happened with her daughter, Jen started a Facebook group called Not My Kid, where she shares lots of information about the problems with our children and their online experiences and how to protect them. Be sure to stay tuned today to hear Jen’s story and learn how to protect your kids in the online space.

Links and resources:

Jen's Story:-
Online predators: Brave mums shares her true story | North Shore Mums
https://www.facebook.com/groups/NotMyKid.parentgroup/

The Cyber Safety lady:-
https://thecybersafetylady.com.au/

Gabe Deem, Reboot Nation (discussion around pornography)
https://www.rebootnation.org/

General Recommended Books:
Glow Kids, Nicholas Kardaras, PhD
Breaking the Trance, George Lynn with Cynthia Johnson
The Collapse of Parenting, Leonard Sax, MD, PhD
Ten-Ager, Madonna King

Dateline, Digital Predators:-
https://www.sbs

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Dating can stir up every schema you have. If you have a history of emotionally unavailable partners, narcissistic relationships or spending years in situationships that never really went anywhere, getting back out there can feel both hopeful and terrifying.

In this episode I walk you through ten grounded mindset shifts that help you stay in Healthy Adult mode while you date so you can notice red flags, take in green flags and stop abandoning yourself in the process.

I talk about:

• Why dating is data
• How to shift the goal from “finding the one” to “showing up grounded and observant”
• How to stay open to experience and still be discerning
• What it means to embrace ambiguity without losing yourself, especially if you have an abandonment schema
• Why you need to replace “stay positive” with “stay real” so you do not slide into the “super easygoing, no needs” people pleasing role
• The power of focusing on internal milestones, not external outcomes
• How to normalise the emotional rollercoaster of dating when schemas and old attachment wounds get activated
• What it looks like to cultivate self trust over outcome obsession
• How to reframe rejection as clarity, especially when ghosting or avoidant behaviour shows you who someone really is
• Why breaking the pattern of fantasy thinking is essential if you tend to fall for potential rather than reality
• The protective power of letting people reveal themselves over time

This episode is for you if:

• You have a history of choosing emotionally unavailable or narcissistic partners
• You find it very hard to tolerate uncertainty in early dating
• You often override your needs because you do not want to be “too much” or “difficult”
• You get attached quickly and then feel anxious, preoccupied and on edge
• You want a practical, compassionate framework for dating differently

1:1 coaching
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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

We have been getting some comments, queries, and questions in our mailbox recently. So in this episode, we will be introducing a new mailbox segment that we will have on the podcast from time to time. 

With this podcast, we strive to raise awareness about some common topics that many of us have to deal with. So, if you are struggling with something or have an issue, the chances are that many others will be in the same boat. One of the things we received in our mailbox was an email from someone who listened to our podcast about narcissistic parents. In her email, she reflected on what that podcast meant for her regarding her narcissistic parent. She has kindly permitted us to read her email out on the show today and talk about it. Be sure to stay tuned to find out what our listener had to say.

Recommended reading:

Reinventing Your Life (A self-help book for schema therapy) by Jeffrey E. Young and Janet S. Klosko

Children of the Self-Absorbed by Nina W. Brown

Disarming the Narcissist by Wendy Behary

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

Last week, our Red Flag Project went out, and what we talk about in this episode of the podcast is related to that. We will be talking about the pleasures and pitfalls of online dating today. The dating process can be hard for some women to live through. It can be quite an emotional rollercoaster, and it can also trigger lots of schemas.

The world of online dating is the way to go right now. However, people looking for partners are doing something hard because they have to maintain a state of hopefulness and willingness. And they need to face date after date, week after week, trying to find what feels like a needle in a haystack because it is not easy to find a guy who is a good match and who can give a woman what she wants. Some women come across all kinds of problems and difficulties in themselves, and the guys they meet could also make it difficult for various reasons. That makes it very hard at times to maintain your emotional equilibrium. Be sure to stay tuned today to learn how to avoid some of the pitfalls in the current world of online dating.

Much of what we talk about in this episode pertains to both men and women. However, this podcast is geared mainly towards women to follow our Red Flag course.

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

We have been talking a lot about narcissism on the podcast recently because we have found that one of the main themes that people come to therapy with falls within the realm of narcissism. Coming to terms with narcissistic parents is a big issue that many people face, and it can be hard to do.

In our last episode, we spoke about the nature of the different dynamics of relationships with a narcissistic parent. In this episode, we will be talking about getting to the point of seeing your narcissistic parents for who they are and accepting them just as they are. Acceptance does not mean approval, however. Nor does it mean condoning someone’s unacceptable behavior or letting them off the hook. Acceptance is about accepting the reality of what is. And that can be very hard to do because it brings up many emotions around grief and loss. Listen in today to learn about coming to terms with having a narcissistic parent and the process you need to go through around that.

Books mentioned:
Will I ever Be Good Enough by Caroline McBride
Disarming the Narcissist by Wendy Behary
Children of Self-Absorbed by Nina Brown

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

From the annoying to the serious, Justine and Gemma focus on Red Flags in the world of dating and relationships. 

In this episode Gemma and Justine introduce their new online course.  A short, affordable course for women who want to sharpen their radar for detecting early signs of emotional unavailability, relationship disinterest , narcissism and even more pathological or potentially dangerous signs in a new or potential partner.  

When getting into a new relationship, there are many signs that indicate whether it is going to work. In today’s episode, we share the most common red flags you will see when entering into a new relationship with a partner who many be not good for you.  We tend to see many women getting stuck in these relationships. Prevention is better than cure!

Some of the most common flags we see in emotionally unavailable men is ghosting or love-bombing. While both on different ends of the spectrum, both indicate the need for control and the lack of commitment. Many of these relationships have signs such as space invaders or suffocating attention in the beginning. Due to the nature of these relationships, they are often not sustainable, and can lead to physical or emotional abuse. We are very passionate about helping women avoid these cycles, and that’s why we started the Red Flag Project. The Red Flag Project is a course designed to help you improve your relationships and avoid toxic interactions. If you find yourself struggling with any of these issues, join us in this episode for more information.

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

We have another podcast in our series on narcissism for you. For this episode we will stay with the topic of the narcissistic parent and discuss the types of relationships you might be having with your narcissistic parent and the kind of dynamics you might find within that relationship. Clinically, we tend to see four categories of those kinds of relationship dynamics. In this episode, we will go into some detail about each of those categories. Stay tuned for more.

The first dynamic that we see quite often is where you get stuck in constantly clashing with your parent. In the second category, you don’t fight very much with your parent, you tend to accept things as they are, and you do a lot of internalizing. The third category is the estrangement category, where we see those who have deliberately chosen to cut themselves off from their narcissistic parent. And the fourth category is where you attempt to manage your narcissistic parent. Sometimes, some of those categories tend to overlap. Be sure to listen in today to find out more detail about each of the four different categories of relationship dynamics that you might find yourself in with your narcissistic parent. 

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

We are continuing with our theme of narcissism, and in this episode we are focusing on relationships with narcissistic parents. People who were raised by narcissistic parents struggle with guilt. They have trouble expressing what they think and feel about things because they worry about how people will respond to them, and whether or not people will listen to what they say, and take them seriously without judging them. 

Narcissists gaslight, invalidate and dismiss people. And they are also overly critical and often play the victim. Those are things that tend to create a subjugated response from people, and as a result, narcissistic parents cause a lot of schemas in their children. In this episode, we will be looking at how your relationship with a narcissistic parent could be affecting you. We will talk about why narcissists cannot take criticism, how you would know that you got parented by a narcissist, understanding how your schemas and coping styles got shaped by a narcissistic parent, and the traumatic effects of being loved conditionally. Be sure to stay tuned today to find out how narcissistic parents operate and learn how to deal with the consequences of having grown up in a narcissistic situation. 

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

In this episode, we’re talking about an issue related to grief and loss. Grief is a multifaceted process, and it can be influenced by many different factors. Suffering the loss of someone we love can be a life-changing experience, and after going through that, it is quite normal to feel like a completely different person. In this episode, we discuss the process of grief, and we talk about how unique it is and how much it differs for every one of us.

Grief is a complex process that we all deal with in our own way. Sometimes, however, the people in our lives don’t quite understand our process of grieving and they expect us to be able to recover and move on far more quickly than we can. They could become frustrated or irritated with us when we don’t progress according to the timeline they have in mind, and that could make us worry or become concerned that we are not doing our grieving in the right way. Stay tuned today to learn the truth about the process of grieving, and learn how to show up for someone who is grieving and lean into their loss. You will also find out why you should never compare your experience of loss with that of anyone else. 

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

As promised, we are continuing with the theme of narcissism. Some of us have no choice but to live with a narcissist or be around one at certain times. That is usually not very easy to do, so, today we will be talking about ways you can manage the narcissist in your life when you cannot escape having to spend time around them. It could be a parent, a sibling, a relative, an in-law, a boss, or even a work colleague. 

Christmas tends to be one of those times when we find ourselves having to sit around a table with someone whose company we would normally prefer to avoid. A narcissist is someone who is at the core of it, very self-absorbed, and their behavior can be challenging and difficult to deal with. Interacting with a narcissist is likely to trigger all of your schemas, so it is helpful to know what you can do to manage the situation. Be sure to stay tuned today to get some tips and find out the best course of action to take when you cannot avoid spending some time with the narcissist in your life.

Books mentioned:

Children of the Self-Absorbed by Nina W Brown

Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy T Behary

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

In the last few years, mainstream psychology has had a lot of focus on self-compassion. About a thousand research papers have been published on the areas of self-compassion, mental health, and the benefits of shifting our internal world and monologue to a more self-compassionate stance, to help us overcome mental health issues like anxiety and depression.

We all need as much compassion as we can get towards ourselves and others. We particularly need it now, when so many of us will not be able to share the holiday season with the ones we love. As humans, we often struggle to show ourselves any care or positive, warm regard because we have been programmed to multitask, survive, take care of others, and be aware of what could go wrong. In our quiet moments, we tend to go to the negative about things that have happened to us in the past and what the future might have in store for us. That makes it hard for us to stay in the zone of a mindful brain.

In this episode, Gemma talks about self-compassion. She explains what it is, the barriers you might have against it, and she gives some tips for bringing self-compassion into your life. Be sure to stay tuned to find out why self-compassion is so important.

Recommended Reading:
The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

We’re talking about something very interesting today. We’re starting a series discussion on narcissism, a topic that has come up a lot for us as clinicians over the years. Many of our clients have also nominated narcissism as a topic that they would like us to talk about.

In our practices, we see many people whose lives are affected by narcissism, and those relationships are often very preoccupying and distressing. Some people have parents, partners, friends, or even bosses who are narcissists. Today, in our first episode of this series, we will be covering what narcissism is, exactly. We will discuss the particulars in-depth, and we will also give you some examples. Going forward, we will be following on with some more specific episodes on the topic of narcissism. Be sure to stay tuned today to find out what narcissism is and the kind of impact it could have on your life.

Recommended Reading:
Disarming the Narcissist by Wendy Behary

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In this episode, Gemma unpacks The Sorry Reflex - the automatic urge to apologise, even when we’ve done nothing wrong. Rooted in the subjugation schema, this coping behaviour often begins in childhood, where expressing needs or disagreeing felt unsafe. When our nervous system equates disapproval with danger, “sorry” becomes a way to stay safe and connected.

Gemma explains how this pattern shows up in dating, relationships, and everyday interactions - especially for women conditioned to be accommodating. You’ll learn to identify your triggers (tone changes, sighs, silence), notice the body’s reaction, and experiment with opposite action to retrain your nervous system.

You’ll also hear a real-life success story from one of Gemma’s Love Wisely group members, plus guidance on combining schema therapy and EMDR to heal the deeper beliefs beneath chronic apologising.

If you’re tired of shrinking yourself, over-explaining or feeling guilty for taking up space, this episode will help you shift from “sorry” to self-trust.

Takeaways

• Over-apologising is a safety response, not good manners.
• Driven by subjugation, approval-seeking, and self-sacrifice schemas.
• Triggers: subtle signs of disapproval—tone, delay, sigh, silence.
• Body cues: chest tightness, racing heart, hyper-empathy.
• Short-term relief, long-term self-erasure.
• Opposite action = growth and rewiring.
• You can disappoint someone and still be safe and loved.

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

Many different reasons cause us to develop abandonment schemas, and two other schemas tend to co-occur alongside an abandonment schema. They are the self-sacrifice schema and the subjugation schema. Those can cause a lot of distress, so you need to become aware of them and the way they could affect you.

With both the self-sacrifice and subjugation schemas, you tend to become preoccupied with other people’s thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, and desires. And with both of them, you end up putting yourself aside, either to make the other person happy or to keep them connected to you. In today’s episode, we will be talking about the primary emotions that drive the self-sacrifice and subjugation schemas, how those schemas differ, how they affect your relationships, and what you can do to transform them so that they no longer affect you as much as before. Be sure to stay tuned to find out all you need to know about the self-sacrifice and subjugation schemas and how to lessen the negative impact they could be having on your life.

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An extended version of the Loving Kindness meditation 


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The loving kindness (or metta) meditation –  is a type of Buddhist meditation which focuses on sending love, care and good will to yourself as well as others.  The old name for this meditation is the  metta bhavana.  In this adaptation of the metta bhavana, I focus on the first stage - sending metta (or love) to ourselves.

These types of meditations are particularly good for helping you cultivate a deep sense of compassion for yourself and others and can help with calming down negative self-talk and negative emotional states.

The loving kindness meditation can also help with developing greater acceptance around situations over which you have no control and helping you accept reality, including other people for who they are.

These kinds of compassions focused meditations also have neurological underpinning and help us change the way we view ourselves, other people and the world in which we live.  With a regular practice we can learn to better handle the ups and downs of everyday life and to develop more positive emotional states and more prosocial or compassion based behaviours.  Research teaches us that a regular mediation practice whether that be mindfulness-based, insight-based or compassion-based, can actually change our brains for the better and can contribute to a healthier life.
 
Dr Gemma Gladstone
www.goodmood.com.au

Visit our podcast page
https://www.goodmood.com.au/a-psychology-and-schema-therapy-podcast/


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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

In this episode, Gemma and Justine discuss how the abandonment schema can prevent someone from ending or leaving an unhealthy romantic relationship.  Being able to walk away from a relationship that is not good for you can be a very difficult and daunting experience.

There are some relationships which seem so familiar on a sub-conscious level because the dynamics match or replicate aspects of our earliest attachments - that is our relationships with our parents or care-givers when we were young children.  These relationships are often with partners who cannot commit, are unstable in some way and unavailable in some way.  The flavour of these relationships is that they are inconsistent, with a tenuous or insecure connection.

The 'abandoned child' part of us, feels a sense of "sameness" and stays in these relationships, hoping and longing that the unavailable partner will one day become available.

We also discuss in some detail, why it is especially hard for some people to walk away from an affair that they are having with a married person (ie, an extremely unavailable person). 

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

The third in the series of our discussions on the abandonment schema and its role in romantic relationships.

In this episode we discuss the ways that an abandonment schema can play out in an otherwise stable and secure relationship and cause havoc for you and your partner. 

What are some of the ways that an unchecked or largely unhealed abandonment schema can sabotage your relationship? How can you begin to notice your abandonment triggers in this contents and use your "healthy adult" mode to help you navigate through the maze of abandonment feelings.  It's not easy but you can get there over time!

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

In the last few years, mainstream psychology has had a lot of focus on self-compassion. About a thousand research papers have been published on the areas of self-compassion, mental health, and the benefits of shifting our internal world and monologue to a more self-compassionate stance, to help us overcome mental health issues like anxiety and depression.

We all need as much compassion as we can get towards ourselves and others. We particularly need it now, when so many of us will not be able to share the holiday season with the ones we love. As humans, we often struggle to show ourselves any care or positive, warm regard because we have been programmed to multitask, survive, take care of others, and be aware of what could go wrong. In our quiet moments, we tend to go to the negative about things that have happened to us in the past and what the future might have in store for us. That makes it hard for us to stay in the zone of a mindful brain.

In this episode, Gemma talks about self-compassion. She explains what it is, the barriers you might have against it, and she gives some tips for bringing self-compassion into your life. Be sure to stay tuned to find out why self-compassion is so important.

Recommended Reading:
The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

In this episode, Justine and Gemma discuss a very common issue they see in their practice.  Many of us have a pattern of being attracted to and staying with romantic partners who are emotionally unavailable.  What exactly is Unavailability anyway?

In this episode we focus at depth on this type of relationship dynamic, we give common examples and discuss the schema involved and how they are commonly triggered.  We then discuss how people can begin to change this pattern and what they need to do to start seeing their relationships more clearly and make different choices.

It's a meaty episode.  Stay tuned for further episode related to this important relationship dynamic!

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

Are you a People Pleaser?  If so this episode is for you.

The Self-Sacrifice schema falls into the "other-directed" domain in schema therapy.  With this schema you are inclined to attend to the needs of others over and above your own needs.  Failure to do so often results in you feeling guilty about having let people down.   Self-sacrifice can be a form of severe self-suppression and left unchecked it can dominate your life and result in depression down the track.
 
Gemma discusses 6 key signs that suggests you have a major self-sacrifice schema; she discusses the typical family of origin circumstances which produce the schema and also gives advice about how to begin to change and confront this schema.  

The 6 tell-tale signs discussed are:
1. You can't say No.
2. You often feel Guilty.
3. You get validation needs met from being a self-sacrificer.
4. You attract and stay with Narcissists in relationships.
5. You carry a lot of resentment.
6. You are burnt out, feel exhausted and have various health complaints. 

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

In this episode, Justine and Gemma dive deep into what a schema is in the context of Schema Therapy.  They discuss the role of parenting, temperament and life experience in the development of early maladaptive schemas (EMS).

Most of the schemas are reviewed and explained with examples to get you thinking.  There is also a meaty discussion of the "other-directed" schemas - such as subjugation & self-sacrifice.  The concept of schema triggering is broken down into an easy to digest explanation of trigger - urge - response (or coping style) to help you make sense of your own strong emotional triggers.  With a special mention of the abandonment schema and how it typically plays out as a relationship saboteur. 

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

You are not alone, hang in there.  In this episode Gemma discusses some of the psychological consequences of the pandemic and how to take care of ourselves during this difficult period of time.  

With several suburbs in Melbourne Victoria (July 3, 2020) having to go back into Lock-down, anxiety and uncertainty is again on the rise.  Covid-19 has meant that humanity is again facing large-scale collective anxiety and trauma.

This episode gets into some practical tips for coping with isolation and lock-down and asks the question "what does covid-19 trigger for you?".  Stay with this episode for some helpful ways to cope and support around how to care for yourself amidst the chaos. 

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If you are asking can this improve, this episode gives you a simple lens. Gemma unpacks two essential capacities that predict whether change is possible in a relationship. You will hear why the brain repeats what is familiar, how schemas drive loops and how to assess real readiness for growth in yourself and in someone you are dating.

In this episode

• Why patterns repeat even when you want something different
• The role of schemas in attraction, conflict and coping
• Two essentials that predict change
• Why avoidance blocks growth
• Dating as data, plus a new way to date with self awareness

Are you ready to join Love Wisely? Doors open again in Feb 26. 

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Welcome to another episode of The Good Mood Clinic Podcast!

In this episode Gemma discusses the importance of having our core emotional needs met adequately in early life.  What are these needs and what can happen if our parents/primary attachment figures do not meet our needs on a regular basis.

Gemma discusses some of the psychological consequences and Schemas that can develop as a result.  

●safety, stability & predictability
●secure, loving, nurturing bond (warmth, validation, ‘being seen’)
●autonomy & growing independence
●expression of emotions, needs, thoughts (allowance of authenticity)
●spontaneity, creativity & play 
●realistic limits, self-discipline, impulse control

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What limerence really is, why it hooks into our deepest unmet needs and how to gently unhook using a schema-therapy lens.

In Part 2, Gemma explores limerence as a preoccupying, often intoxicating state that’s fueled by unmet needs - with abandonment and emotional deprivation schemas usually at the core. She explains why the brain’s reward systems (hello, dopamine) and a quieted prefrontal cortex can hijack rationality, making red flags easy to miss. You’ll learn practical, compassionate ways to reduce rumination, interrupt mental loops and begin reparenting the vulnerable parts that long for consistent care. Gemma also speaks to when limerence turns into a relationship (and why those tend to be high “schema chemistry”) and offers realistic hope for moving toward grounded, secure love.

Key takeaways

• Limerence = unmet needs + brain rewards. It’s human, common, and often temporary; shame isn’t helpful.
• Schemas under the hood: Abandonment (primary) and emotional deprivation are frequent drivers; attachment style can be a clue, but schemas give the nuance.
• “Schema chemistry” alert: Relationships born from intense limerence often trigger old wounds on both sides.
• Stop feeding the loop: Reduce cues (no social stalking, no photo scrolling). Notice → name → turn your mind.
• Circuit breakers that help: Mindfulness, imagery/rumination interruption, exercise, novelty/learning, supportive people, flow-state activities.
• Reparenting matters: Daily, gentle practices to meet needs consistently will dilute schemas over time.
• When to get help: If limerence becomes distressing, incapacitating or escalates into harmful behaviours, seek professional support.

Practical steps you can try

1. Name it: “This is the limerence loop.”
2. Reduce reinforcement: Unfollow/mute; remove reminders.
3. Shift attention: Choose a grounding task (walk, call a friend, learn something new).
4. Reparenting micro-rituals: Daily check-ins with your vulnerable part; write a brief caring letter to yourself.
5. Track triggers: Note what sparks rumination and plan alternatives.
6. Therapeutic support: Look for schema-informed, experiential work.

Mentioned in this episode

• Coaching spaces now open with Gemma (limited).
• Love Wisely group coaching: next intake planned for late Feb '26 (waitlist in links).
• Reviews really help. Please rate on your podcast app.
• Contact: hello@drgemmagladstone.com

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If you’ve ever been mentally and emotionally stuck on someone - checking for “signs,” fantasising a future and riding waves of hope and anxiety, then you may have experienced limerence.  In Part 1, Gemma explains what limerence is (and isn’t), why uncertainty and fantasy make it so sticky and why the real issue isn’t the person (the “limerent object”) but your unmet emotional needs.  You’ll also hear where the concept came from and why it’s often confused with attachment or “true love.”

In this episode, you’ll learn

• A plain-English definition of limerence and how it differs from attraction or love
• The two core fuels: uncertainty and intermittent reward (via fantasies and mixed signals)
• How imagery, rumination, and dopamine loops keep the crush alive
• Why limerence can last months or years and why it often doesn’t lead to healthy, secure relationships
• The link with schemas and unmet needs (preview for Part 2)
• Gentle first steps to reduce the hijack (without shaming yourself)

Key takeaways

• Limerence is an internal state - more about your needs than about them.
• Fantasy offers temporary relief but reinforces the loop.
• Clarity ends limerence (rejection, genuine mutuality, or transferring the preoccupation) - but self-understanding is what prevents the next loop.

Try this (starter steps)

• Notice and name: “This is limerence, not reality.”
• Pause the imagery: limit cues, put boundaries around fantasising/daydreaming.
• Reality-check: list what you actually know vs what you’re imagining.
• Re-invest in life: micro-wins, movement, sleep, friend time, creative focus.
• Journal prompt: “What core need am I trying to meet through this fantasy (safety, worth, belonging, soothing)? How else can I meet it today?”

Teaser for Part 2
How schemas (abandonment, emotional deprivation, defectiveness, approval-seeking) wire us for limerence and a step-by-step plan to unwind it, rebuild self-trust, and stop repeating the pattern.

Resources mentioned

• The early research on limerence (originating in the late 20th century)
• Attachment theory (context), schema therapy (dee

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