In this bonus minisode, we take a moment to catch our breath after escaping After Years land. Mike is quizzed on moons. After Years factoids are issued as a deterrent.

At long last, the end of our Final Fantasy IV: The After Years series! In this special jumbo-sized two-part finale, Mike and Remy work through the extremely long final chapter, The Crystal: The Planet Eater.

In After Years II, we battle our way through the gauntlet of bosses on the alien lunar surface. Finally, we add one more creator god to our podcast's kill count.

Ursula and Yang have daddy-daughter drama. A monk in the bar knocks back kava dranks while a drag king shows us how it's done. Kain returns and he's changed his mind again. Adamantoise strikes back. Red Souls are especially noxious because they contain Red Dye 40. We blast House of Pain at the Impact Crater like it's a gd Pringles commercial, then trek, trudge, and traipse our way through the 'gator-infested Flashback Forest.

Hey, palm oil is a complicated situation in our world. It's not all hand harvested from a natural palm grove by a tortoise-punching baddie. Here's some links about that:

• https://apnews.com/article/palm-oil-abuse-investigation-cosmetics-2a209d60c42bf0e8fcc6f8ea6daa11c7
• https://www.counterpunch.org/2023/10/09/palm-oil-the-ingredient-behind-human-rights-abuses-and-eco-destruction-thats-probably-in-your-home-right-now/
• https://wwf.panda.org/discover/our_focus/food_practice/sustainable_production/palm_oil/responsible_purchasing/
• https://www.worldwildlife.org/resources/facts/endangered-species-threatened-by-unsustainable-palm-oil-production/ 

We're back! All our old pals are back, too. Dwarf Princess Luca has a new look – now with 100% more facial visibility. Calca and Brina are also back to battle on our side mostly. Hey, did you know that sometimes dollbots can combine into one big baby doll megazord thing? Sometimes big creepy baby megazords can shoot missiles. In those times, it's great to have one on your team. Plus you can repair the dollbots with junk you find in a cave and I'm pretty sure that's called upcycling.

Maybe Rydia can summon this goblin instead of summoning absolutely nothing. Goblin summons for everyone! Everyone got a goblin summon, right? Did anyone not get their goblin summon? Anyone?

Back to the underworld. Back to the Sylph Cave. Back to the Sealed Cave, which should be called the Not Sealed Enough Cave. If these walls could talk, they could probably coordinate their attacks a little better.

Getting punched by a big buff man doesn't often feel like winning – but sometimes it is winning sort of.

Remy's going on a big trip so the podcast will be in vacation mode until November 21st. If you want to help us out in the meantime, please send us some quiz questions we can use to stump Mike when we return.

Email: contact@finalfancast.com

Bluesky: finalfancast.bsky.social

Or hit us up on the discord. :)

Thanks, everyone, for listening! We're at nearly 30 episodes now but there's lots more Final Fantasy to come. See you in November!

Oh boy, Final Fantasy IV -Interlude- and the first chapter of The After Years were both much longer than we expected so get comfy because it's gonna be another extra long episode. Was Final Fantasy IV -Interlude- more like Final Fantasy: The After Thought? Is The After Years kind of good, actually? How many times is this big honkin' tower going to start glowing? I'm talking… dang ol' light pollution, man. Giant robots that combine into an even more gigantic robot are pretty cool, though. There is a little complaining about backtracking and surely this is the last we'll say on the matter for the rest of this series. The developer's room contains an UNSOLVED MYSTERY. Mike references Lord of the Rings again. Remy manages to reference the Dragon Ball franchise thrice. Can you spot them all? We say quite a few positive things about The After Years so far but don't worry – there's plenty to complain about later.

We kill SO MANY big scary moon critters. I'm talking behemoths, dark bahamut, a monster's breath, ogopogo himself. Ghosts and far-away friends send spiritual aid along the way. Some enemies stop being bad, which is nice. Some dead friends stop being dead, which is also nice. We unsubscribe from Kain's christmas card updates. Gamer Science returns with boss battle tips, like Zeromus is tough and may warrant a little grinding, but if you hit level 80, you've gone too far. Shout out to Maddy Morphosis and her ginormous hair. Shout out to Sweetums the Muppet for being ginormous hair.

Lunar Whale to the moon! Let's beat up behemoths, bahamuts, and one iron giant who enjoys being a gun. Meet our new friend, a beard with claws. Meet our old frenemy, Kain, who can't make up his mind about anything. We scheme to keep him as our pet mini pig-frog. You might assume CPU stands for "central processing unit" but no, it's definitely something else. Transporters are scary.

Special music for coffee shop scene:
"Happy Afternoon - Lopkerjo Jazz 902 by LOPKERJO"
https://freemusicarchive.org/music/john-lopker/happy-day-usa/happy-afternoon-lopkerjo-jazz-902/

CC BY 4.0
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Edge's parents meet a terrible fate. Can ninjas walk through walls? We get a sweet new hovercraft grabber for our airship. Dwarves are incredibly generous and possibly don't know about lying. Who spilled all this lava and acid on the floor? Remy finds a new vocational calling. How did Leviathan and Asura meet? Why are these doors so mean? We do a little escapism. Stops at the Adamant Grotto, Eblan Castle, Cave of Summons, the Feymarch, Sylph Cave, Sealed Cave, and the swear zone 'cause we're not bleeping those cusses anymore. Sorry, cool babies.

This episode takes us from Troya to the Magnetic Cave to Mithril to Agart and, finally, straight into a battle between dwarf tanks and flying airships full of monsters. Luckily the only people who die are the ones closest to us with the most to live for. Aw heck.

You better not bring any of that metal crap into MY magnet cave, bro. Edward knows a song dark elves hate. Please stop feasting on my blood, Zubats. If I had a quarter for every time I ran into a high tech tower in this episode, I would have two quarters -- which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice in one episode. This episode's swear jar, on the other hand, overflows.

At the beginning of this episode we describe the twins doing an act of heroic self-sacrifice in the last leg a la Minwu as a "Min-two" when "Twinwu" was right there and we're so mad at ourselves for not seeing it.

Rydia works through her aversion to fire. Mom Bomb blows up. Edward teaches us the power of music. We fail to protect a castle. A few children are lost – but only one of them has been eaten by a sea monster. Shiver me timbers!

Water vapor attacks! A ring commits war crimes. Cecil follows orders until he doesn't. A dancer has something special to show us. A bug bogarts treasure medicine. Disney Princess powers are tested. Excrescence is collected. A fish person crashes Edward's night time sad song sesh. We are all spoony bards on this blessed day. Hi, Brian.

At long last, the end of our Final Fantasy IV: The After Years series! In this special jumbo-sized two-part finale, Mike and Remy work through the extremely long final chapter, The Crystal: The Planet Eater.

In After Years I, we play until we leave the planet and head for the moon. Wish us luck!

Final Fantasy Legend II is hard. We liked it though. Let's take a trip across the multiverse to find our deadbeat dad. Then we'll compete in a dragon race, solve banana crimes, and beat up any deities that look at us sideways.

WARNING: DO NOT CONSUME MAGI. DO NOT PUT IN MOUTH.

Receipts

Interview referenced:
https://shmuplations.com/saga2/ 

Banana facts:
https://legendsoflocalization.com/articles/ffl2-opium-bananas/  

Pack your bags – we're off on a Final Fantasy Adventure! Got enough keys? No, you don't have enough keys. Bring more keys. Go back and get more keys. See the majestic and incredibly brief ocean! Enjoy a relaxing night staying at a discount Hotel Transylvania type situation where surely nothing fishy ever happens. Fight a monster that's just a face. It's just a face. That's pretty creepy, right? Just a face? Also, how do magic trees reproduce? What are the Medusa contagion rules? Which character should Keanu Reeves play in a movie adaptation? None of that matters! You know what matters? Keys! Keys matter! You can never have enough! Stock up. I'm telling you! For real. Get so many keys. More keys than you think you need. Way more.

Mike & Remy play through the entirety of The Final Fantasy Legend, a Gameboy game that beats us up, gives us swirlies, and pushes us inside our lockers. We'll learn to RTFM, discover the importance of a proper diet for monsters, and commit the podcast's very first act of deicide. Will it be our last? Stay tuned. But probably no.

Mike & Remy set the controllers down and get literary AF. How many books and manga have been written about Final Fantasy I, II, and III? This many. All of these. We'll talk about all of them but especially Final Fantasy I * II * III: Memory of Heroes.

Books & Manga Covered

• Komikku-Ban Final Fantasy (Final Fantasy Comic Version), by Yuu Kaimeiji; manga, 12/1/1989, pub.: Takarajimasha, Inc.
• Final Fantasy II Shōri e no Tabidachi (Final Fantasy II: Journey to Victory), by Naoko Uehara; gamebook, pub.: 12/31/1988, Tokuma Shoten
• Final Fantasy II Muma no Meikyū (Final Fantasy II: Labyrinth of Nightmares), by Kenji Terada; novel, pub.: 4/1/1989, Kadokawa Shoten
• Final Fantasy II Shōgun Bōgen to no Shitō! (Final Fantasy II: Battle to the Death with General Borghen!), by Ryūji Kōsaku and Hiroyuki Fukuda; gamebook, pub.: 1/13/1988, Tairuku Shobō Publishing Co.
• Final Fantasy II Hihō no Doragon (Final Fantasy II: Dragon of the Hidden Treasure), by Naomi Inoue; gamebook, pub.: 12/1/1988, Futabasha Publishers Ltd.
• Yūkyū no Kaze Densetsu Final Fantasy III Yori (Legend of the Eternal Wind: from Final Fantasy III), by Kenji Terada and Yuu Kunitani; manga, pub.: 1991-1993, Kadokawa Shoten
• Final Fantasy I * I * III: Memory of Heroes, by Takashi Umemura; novella collection, pub.: 10/25/2012, Square Enix (JP); 8/18/2020, Yen On (EN)

Special music this episode

Monastery by Joseph R. Lilore (CC BY 4.0)

Let's power through this Crystal Tower and finish Final Fantasy III. These final dungeons do go on a bit, don't they? Unei offers unsettling dream interpretation. Xande pulls a classic villain move. Force Ghost Doga returns to feed elderly men to dragons. We lose a fight with nasty weather and mash that snooze button on the cosmic alarm clock. Apologies to Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

Benny Hill "Yackety Sax" Style Alternative
https://toolofgod.com/my-music/royalty-free-benny-hill-theme-style-alternative/

Onward to the Labyrinth of Ancients and Syrcus Tower! We fight a Titan made up of four Gastlies then touch another crystal and are imbued with exciting new vocational skills. Remy timeloops back to Eureka. Talking weapons are cool. The knight job is okay I guess. Does the ranger have wilderness survival skills or…?

Mike acquires some summon monsters. We get a rad new airship that comes with guns and a free bed – but who services the Invincible's vending machines? How does Unei use dream mastery to clean up some rock mess? How precious is human mortality actually? I wonder how the Hecatoncheir feels about his precious mortality after we kill him dead. Mike spills some tea about the development of FF3. Along the way we'll visit the Temple of Time, the Ancient Ruins, Falgabard, and the Cave of Shadows.

Music used for Gutsco Protein Powder segment:
"P R E S I D E N T A T O R" by Anonymous420 (CC BY 4.0)

Thanks, Anonymous420! Sorry, Anonymous420. -_-

Four geezers save us from exploding shoes then trick us with shrooms. Goldor, who likes gold, throws his evilest money at us. Bards sing some tunes. We get shot down in Saronia for interrupting a heated shirts vs. skins staring contest. Remy stumbles upon one weird trick Odins hate. Mike gets quizzed on colors. Stops at Goldor Manor, the Circle Cave, the Sunken Cavern, and the Saronia catacombs.

The mystery of the gysahl greens is revealed! A piano is played. We bask in our sheer confusion re: fundamental aspects of these player characters' identities. Which of these lil dudes gets invited back to Princess Sarah's castle after the adventure concludes? Desch's girlfriend needs a pep talk. A blue lady is a key. A generosity challenge is undertaken and one of us is shooting for extra credit on the assignment. Goldor hatches a questionable plan. We question his questionable plan. Somebody tells us to get shoes from a sewer. Smarter podcasts discuss literary themes and influences in these games while we're stuck simply trying to make sense of what's happening.

You know what? Let's keep playing this game and nab that fire crystal. Experiments are conducted to answer questions from last episode. Lali-ho! Dwarves have more hats. We bought a bunch of Gutsco Protein Powder and became our own bosses. But what's going on with that snake around Gutsco? The mystery of the missing Glass Tower is not that big of a mystery. How does thievery work? Should we steal from demons? Books are the weapons of scholars and therefore should be unbannable if that's how the 2nd amendment works. We end up being tree doctors and then call it a day.

It's the FuSoYa chapter starring Golbez. Is Golbez's first name Theodore or Selena? Counts rule counties; Count Malboros rule Big Mean Jerkface County. FuSoYa, the powerful Lunarian archmage, seems to have roughly six and a half MP at any given moment. How do the moon phases work when we're actually on a moon? Is osmose secretly useful? Flashbacks to FF4 ensue. Lunarian nesting dolls are a thing. We shimmy and shake along with Zeromus's Bonus.

This definitely shouldn't be your very first Final Fantasy game. Right? It seems like maybe it shouldn't be.

First we cast toad. Now we become the toads. Plus, honeys, we shrunk ourselves! Hey, what's in this gnomish bread? Also a snake attacked. It hurt us. It hurt us real bad. Can we hurt it real bad? Probably not, right? This dungeon has a serious rodent problem. Remy learns about double negatives the hard way. A chocobo travel dare is undertaken.

Original Chocobo Art: https://gamerant.com/final-fantasy-chocobo-facts-trivia/

Exiting the cave: https://finalfancast.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/PXL_20240507_043023416-scaled.jpg

Final Fancast is  produced by and for Final Fantasy fans for purposes of commentary and criticism. We are not affiliated with, nor authorized or endorsed by Square Enix Holdings Co., Ltd. If you love Final Fantasy like we do, support the creators and buy the games. All of them. Preferably using the links on our website.

The CRYSTALS speak! The podcast has
begun a new game,
a Fantasy so FINAL that it
can only be undertaken by four brave
ONION KNIGHTS (whatever they are).

MIKE offers the most revolting description
of the BASILISK you could possibly imagine,
while REMY, the last hope for decency and decorum,
enlists the help of four retirees
from the fabled city of MIAMI.

Meanwhile, the Dragon King
BAHAMUT squaws and screeches,
djinn and land turtles stalk the countryside,
and the GOLDEN GIRLS rise to defend
their cheesecake from the growing darkness....

Note: Apologies to anyone who was notified twice for this episode. There was an error in the orignal audio file that necessitated its replacement. We promise to do our very best to avoid this in the future.

Final Fancast is  produced by and for Final Fantasy fans for purposes of commentary and criticism. We are not affiliated with, nor authorized or endorsed by Square Enix Holdings Co., Ltd. If you love Final Fantasy like we do, support the creators and buy the games. All of them. Preferably using the links on our website.

Cyclone devastation! "Everyone is dead." How many father figures can one game kill off? Let's finish Final Fantasy II before it gives us the depressions. Mirrors summon dragons. We kill the Emperor. (He gets better.) Then we dance for a very long time. Afters, we'll treat ourselves to a little headcanon. EPIC REVEAL: Leon is a jerk. Cid gifts you an early Xmas present then gifts himself a nice lie-down. Was Lil Nas X's "Montero (Call Me By Your Name)" music video about the Emperor? Zombie Borghen, what are you doing in that box? Were you waiting to hear our FF2 Final Fancast final fancast? Okay, Zombie Borghen. If you insist.

Hey, check out this cool Yoshitaka Amano art we mention on the show: 
https://finalfantasy.fandom.com/wiki/Final_Fantasy_II_concept_art

Remy's upset about something. Not sure what. The podcast ends, but then it keeps going anyway.
Mike is attacked by a wild quiz. The toad spell becomes Remy's entire way of life. The Red Soul is back – but not for long. The Basilisk is also back but it's okay actually. Cyclone fortresses are cool but how do they work? Joe Rogan's not gonna see this episode coming.

We play until we defeat Gottos in Fynn then drop by the Tower of Mysidia. Garland sasses us on mic. We celebrate our first chocobo sighting then face our greatest challenge yet: pronunciation. Mike and Remy steal a sacred artifact and kill a member of an endangered species. Gosh, what else happened? Enter Layla the pirate. Exit the king. We break out of the prison in our mind. Plus, move over flat Earth theory -- the toroid globe is here to explain the world map.

Mike & Remy say goodbye to Josef, say hello to Pancake Josef, snowcraft into the icy Snow Cave, and finally blow up the Dreadnaught. Now we have questions. Is the Adamantoise actually a turtle or a tortoise? Why the Red Soul gotta be so nasty? Why is gold stuff better than mythril stuff? What happens if we blow up the dreadnought before saving Princess Hilda? Can Were-Panthers turn into humans or…?  Why so many empty rooms? Can there be fewer empty rooms? Please?

We play until the Dreadnaught takes off. Actually we still like this game a lot. Airships are cool. Dreadnoughts are very cool. But then Palamecia does war crimes. Let's talk about what makes FFII unique so far. New mechanics, new ways of interacting. Remy gets wrecked by werewolves and vampires. Will other Universal Monsters join in later? This game tells you what areas you're supposed to wait to enter by ruthlessly killing you when you step out of line. Plus: Purple Pajama Wizard betrayal

First episode of Final Fantasy II. We played until we rescued the miners and Josef's daughter, Nelly, from the Mythril mine and return to Altair. We got a full FF game under our belt now and we're feeling ourselves. One step closer to FF podcasting legitimacy. Mike gets a super legit Final Fantasy pop quiz! Enter Minwu, a favorite character to whom nothing bad shall ever happen. Final Fantasy II's keyword system and unique skill development. Hey wait, there's writing and characters and stuff in this game. Hey, why is the inn charging me based on my desperation for healing? What kind of hospitality/healthcare system is this?

We finished Final Fantasy I! Time loops are literally the worst. How do they even work? Aesthetics of a fallen civilization: always be robed. Did they originally try to call it Fighting Fantasy? Really? BUT FOR REAL, THOUGH? Plus listen in to our very first Final Fancast "Final Fancast" where we discuss which character Awkwafina should play in the movie version.

One Last Thing

Here's that old Nintendo Power bit Mike was talking about.

Credits

• "Air" by Lolique (CC BY 4.0)
• "Time" by Kirk Osamayo (CC BY 4.0)
• SFX - Robotic - I Am Experiencing Technical Difficulties.ogg (CC BY 3.0)

Let's play the Cave of Trials through defeating the Kraken. Mike vents his spleen about FF16. Remy vents their spleen about memorization puzzles. Mike encounters his very first time loop and has to replay the first game thus far. We have our first airship sighting in the series, our characters evolve like Pokemon, and we chill with our new bestie, Bahamut. What do the Black Mage and the Invisible Man from Hotel Transylvania have in common? Let's think too hard about what oxy-ale is and how it works. Fairy slavery is very bad, actually. Don't do it. Mike attains a surprising new credentials after being quizzed on dia-bility. Then we'll get our James Cameron on and take this submarine for a spin. Finally, Remy forgets an important step in completing the Sunken Temple and Mike as attakced by Harry Potter slash fic.

For all our complaining about The After Years, Kain's Tale mostly worked for us. In fact, according to Mike, this was the "high point of the After Years so far." He even liked Cid in this bit -- which is huge!

Castle guards won't let you through. Kain's mission is in the throne room. Edward becomes Gigachad. The Twingers are never relevant. Mirrors are weird. We apologize to Dan. Sorry, Dan.

We're playing from the Lich's defeat up 'til we nab the Fire and Ice Crystals. Lessons are learned along the way, like instant death spells sound metal AF but are bad actually. Plus, we'll take our first Mythology Minute (or five) to talk about dwarves and elves. Can we get some therapy for the guy who's sleeping against a gravestone? What does any of this have to do with Mr. Bucket? Plus Mike and Remy take sensory damage.

The journey of a thousand games begins with a single save file. Mike and Remy start from Square(-Enix) one: the very beginning of FFI. Mike outlines his storied relationship with the Final Fantasy series. Remy recites what they know, which isn't very much and also isn't very accurate. Valuable lessons are learned about life, death, and one key difference between churches in Final Fantasy and churches in real life... as far as we know.

The English translation of Final Fantasy IV lied to us. Damcyan is economically fudged up but Edward is so hot everyone cuts him slack with being a bad monarch. Hey, what happened to the hovercraft from FF4? Whisperweed has so many world-building implications. Is the chancellor running the biggest economic espionage game in history?

Rubicante F Kennedy Jr drops by to share some health and wellness tips.

PS: Guys, autism isn't caused by vaccines or Tyenol or basilisk milk pasteurization. I can't believe this needs to be said.

The dragon is crying. Porom is a parentified child. Edge is spotted lurking in the bushes wearing a t-shirt that says "sicko" and rubbing his hands together.

We really lay into Kain this time, folks. We really let him have it.

Name a more iconic team of four ninjas. Oh. Yeah, I guess the Ninja Turtles. Well. Here are four other ninjas. They aren't turtles. One of them is a kite sort of.

We go to a brothel for plot reasons. Our invitations to the Hall of Prayer meeting seem to have been misplaced. We become a toad also for plot reasons. We steal some vegetables -- not for plot reasons, though. Just for the thrill of it.

So yeah. That's Edge's Tale, basically. We also talk about Crystal Chronicles for like 10 minutes.

Maybe every Final Fantasy is actually just a story told by that one guy at the bar in Troia. Probably not, but there's still probably enough meat on that bone for a good 20 minute YouTube theory video.

Sometimes you get stuck with a timeloop curse. Sometimes you gotta replay part of the game. Spoiler alert: sometimes you have to do it again later. I hope you like cold opens, mid-credits scenes, and extra dramatic goofiness. I was up way too late finishing up this one and I'm very tired now. (Episode 27, by the way – just in case you're trying to remember why the mid-credits beginning bit sounds familiar.) Anyway, this time we talk about Final Fantasy IV: The After Years - Palom's Tale.

Special thanks to Remy's wife for lending her vocal talents for this episode. Special thanks to Unei for the coffees.

We asked our listeners for Mike-stumpers and they sure delivered. Now let's barrage Mike with questions about the first four Final Fantasy games and see what happens.

Thanks so much to everyone who sent in questions!

Music Credits

• "P R E S I D E N T A T O R" by Anonymous420 (CC BY 4.0)
  https://freemusicarchive.org/music/Anonymous420/___1389/Anonymous420_-____-_06_/
• "NPC Theme" by HoliznaCC0 (CC0 1.0)
  https://freemusicarchive.org/music/holiznacc0/chiptunes/npc-theme/
• "Legends" by HoliznaCC0 (CC0 1.0)
  https://freemusicarchive.org/music/holiznacc0/gamer-beats/legends/