Thank you so much for every listen throughout the years. Change isn't easy. We love all of you and have loved every moment of making this silly, wonderful, obnoxious show.

Every time you read a funny review in the wild, hear an out of context kazoo, or find yourself laughing at the inevitable heat death of the universe, let it remind you of us.

Take care of each other, make each other laugh.

J and J

In today's episode, a cohost yawns at her cohost, a boy kicks a cow too hard, and Barbie goes mutton busting.

If you like the show, PLEASE TELL A FRIEND? That's our advertising for the moment. 

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Hello world!

That face when the highlight reel of your life is cringy AF, am I right? No? Just me? 

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Our favorite music in one messy (awesome) pile-up: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0uPjDIPt5PuItK7SzTeiUE?si=d7b3827f642341d4

https://tidal.com/browse/playlist/588a3c9d-cf2f-42fc-9663-5448730033b9

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I did really hug Tommy Wiseau once. 

In today's show, we read reviews for a toy *everybody* forgot, and we take a magical trip to the Enchanted Forest, Oregon.

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I did really hug Tommy Wiseau once. 

In today's radically unhinged show, I bring reviews for Chiles, and Jess brings more booknook. Gotta hit the hits before the school year starts, y'all.

Also, a big shout-out to all my girls named Bruce.

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I did really hug Tommy Wiseau once. 

In today's show, Jess brings some delightful reviews for airport cheeseburgers, and I suck up the airwaves with a single trip report from TripAdvisor.

Additional music credits: Whoever did the trailer for Roland Emmerich's 2009 disaster film 2012. Probably Todd. Fucking Todd.

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I did really hug Tommy Wiseau once. 

In today's show, we learn some ol' folk wisdom about horseback riding, Wendy's orders, and comical shotgun noises.

Home-made trivia this Friday! This time it's 80s-themed (for no good reason). Twitch.tv/criticeveryone, 7:00 PST. Get it while it's hot!

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I did really hug Tommy Wiseau once. 

On today's show, giant cassowaries eat our Triscuits, Nebraskans eat unseasoned hot pockets, and Stacey blows our tiny minds.

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I did really hug Tommy Wiseau once. 

In today's show, Jess FINALLY brings reviews for the last Blockbuster in Bend, OR. It only took 155 episodes, am I right?

We also have reviews for candy cigarettes. 

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I did really hug Tommy Wiseau once. 

TONIGHT! We celebrate the best humanity's got to offer, with reviews for plastic totes on Amazon and reviews for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Later, a crowd favorite gives Jonathan a jingle!

Genuinely one of our better eps.

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I did really hug Tommy Wiseau once. 

TONIGHT! Brother of the show Oliver joins us for a wild evening of genetic testing, active volcanoes, and biblical films starring Jude Law.

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I did really hug Tommy Wiseau once. 

In today's show, Jess celebrates indoor dining by Eating Bad in the Neighborhad, and I bring reviews for British trash dumps. Literally.

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I did really hug Tommy Wiseau once. 

In today's show, a new character joins the cast, we celebrate TWO birthdays, and the entire city melts around us.

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Good luck in the heat folks. We all gonna float on okay, as they say.

OOOOOOH MAN. AAAAAAAH yiss. Giant sticky hands.

Also in today's show, we look at tips for making chalupas, listener Chris kills it, and we give away 50 free trials of MAX. Just MAX.

If you like the show, PLEASE TELL A FRIEND? That's our advertising for the moment. 

Our favorite music in one messy (awesome) pile-up: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0uPjDIPt5PuItK7SzTeiUE?si=d7b3827f642341d4

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I did really hug Tommy Wiseau once. 

This episode was recorded under extreme duress.

Freon! Turn it on once and live forever. 

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Good luck in the heat folks. We all gonna float on okay, as they say.

Y'know, for when you're trying to have one.

In today's show, Jess celebrates every scholar with beer that tastes like "overripe peach nectar" and "wet wheat bread." Meanwhile, we take a trip to the only town named Peabody that has a pronunciation guide on Wikipedia.

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See y'all next Wednesday!

You know what, sometimes we ARE a movie reviews podcast.

And yes I know and no don't @ me.

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See y'all next Wednesday!

In which Jess brings reviews the Amazon's easiest to lose product, and I bring reviews for Liquid Death.

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We're moving this weekend, yet you're getting another episode next Wednesday? Wild.

Hi! Today's episode was recorded in a birdhouse.

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We're moving in two weeks. The fact that y'all aren't going to miss an episode is fucking legendary.

Tonight, a grapefruit eater tries to get into heaven, yelpers review the DC metro, and thousands of theater kids remember sporks.

And at less than an hour long, we all have time to remember sporks.

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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy of The Room: "be goods."

TONIGHT: We test Jess' ability to turn down cigarettes, read reviews about whole cities, and rebrand a very old segment.

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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy of The Room: "be goods."

In today's Oscars-themed episode, we've got reviews for trash bags AND a trash can. We also have the HOTTEST of takes on McDonald's in the UK. 

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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy of The Room: "be goods."

In today's episode, Jess brings delusional reviews for Ferrero Roche, and I bring a seminal, show-defining segment about Chipotle's numerous plagues.

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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy of The Room: "be goods."

Alternative titles for today's episode include:

• Yoga Bones
• Stretching to Joy Division
• The Case of the Wandering Toothbrush
• A Tale of Two Pinkberries
• It's Not Defamation if You Have 400 Listeners

If you like the show, PLEASE TELL A FRIEND? You're our only hope to get our numbers going up again.

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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy of The Room: "be goods."

Did you know hot tub boats are a thing?

Yep, that's all I've got.

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Our favorite music in one messy (awesome) pile-up: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0uPjDIPt5PuItK7SzTeiUE?si=d7b3827f642341d4

https://tidal.com/browse/playlist/588a3c9d-cf2f-42fc-9663-5448730033b9

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I did really hug Tommy Wiseau once. 

In today's episode, we take a sip of the flattest of whites, and we learn about the phone game that ruined my life.

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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy of The Room: "be goods."

In today's episode, Jess brings reviews for the world's largest rotating globe. We quickly learn that when some folks look up, they see the stars. Others, the space between them, and nothing more. 

We also learn that Garmin is still turning a profit, which is cool.

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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy of The Room: "be goods."

In today's episode, Jess explores the seedy underground market of DIY tattoos. And by seedy underground, I mean you can just buy a tattoo gun on Amazon. Later, Toni gets a call from a very special friend.

It seems like a decent chunk of our new listeners are sticking around. Thanks! Also, PLEASE TELL A FRIEND? Our advertising is done for the foreseeable future.

Otherwise, drop us a review or reach out! We love to hear from folks.

Join other listeners for TRIVIA BY TINA, this Friday (April 2nd): twitch.tv/criticeveryone

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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy of The Room: "be goods."

In today's show, Jess takes us back to the capital 'D' Denny's, and I say some very incendiary things about seminal and beloved rock opera The Wall.

Hey if you're new to the show and sticking around, please tell a friend? Our advertising is done for the foreseeable future.

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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy of The Room: "be goods."

JUST TO BE CLEAR, we did do a theme song for today's Getting Hot with the Dogs, but I cut the whole thing because it was truly horrible to the human ear. GROWTH CAN STILL HAPPEN, PEOPLE.

Today's episode also features Potato Head and the wooden shoe-tying practice shoe SOME OF US had to use as children. 

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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy of The Room: "be goods."

In today's show, Jess explores Creationist museums in the UK, and we hear a post-apocalyptic love story every bit as good as Twilight.

Hey if you're new to the show and sticking around, please tell a friend? Our advertising is done for the foreseeable future.

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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy of The Room: "be goods."

Struggled with a title on this one. Something about DNA testing your cats (don't do that) and breastfeeding your baby in the Jordan's Furniture (do that). 

That's right, this one's got the Jordan's Furniture complex of Reading, MA. A place that some of our listeners, we've recently learned, know all too well.

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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy of The Room: "be goods."

Well folks, when I realized today's episode was 7 minutes too long, I took another pass through the audio. Trimmed the pauses. Clipped the follow-ups. Made the episode super late for our east coast friends. Aaaand now it's 6:30 too long. You're welcome!

This one's about Applebees and the US economy. 

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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy of The Room: "be goods."

Hello to our newest of new listeners! On today's show, we explore the AllRecipes gender binary, we read thirsty reviews for Chicken Run, and we bury AllRecipes in the *fucking ground*.

Also, this episode was uploaded from my phone. We're lucky to have power, and we hope y'all are hangin' in there.

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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy of The Room: "be goods"

This one's about cleaning gak, quick-ship mattresses, and keyboards you can eat your dinner off of.

I also make many unfortunate jokes about Dorito crumbs and ... worse things.

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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy of The Room: "be goods."

We've got a fantastic listener special for ya' today, with reviews from the Ikea cafeteria and the billigerent, anti-suffrage book nook.

If you like the show, PLEASE TELL A FRIEND? That's our advertising for the moment. 

Our favorite music in one messy (awesome) pile-up: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0uPjDIPt5PuItK7SzTeiUE?si=d7b3827f642341d4

https://tidal.com/browse/playlist/588a3c9d-cf2f-42fc-9663-5448730033b9

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I did really hug Tommy Wiseau once. 

Cube Steaks with Frog69

This show's got it all. Appalling college professors. Karens on the march. And so many people getting cultured cream out of spicket.

It's the best episode we've done in a while, and we've been pumped to put it up. 

And hey, if you enjoy it, please tell us a friend, or drop us a review. The first one especially.

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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy of The Room: "be goods."

In today's season premiere, Jess decides to Yelp It on a Mountain, while I take us on a much needed trip, JUST LIKE THE OLD DAYS. :'(

If you're new to the show, welcome! If you enjoy the show and decide to stay, please share it! We love that stuff, and we love to hear from folks, too: 

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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy of The Room: "be goods."

Join us for a wild season finale, where Jess brings reviews for everyone's favorite hot dog stand with a membership, and I drop some spicy thoughts on hot mushroom cocoa. 

It'll make sense eventually. See y'all in SEASON 2! (aka NEXT WEEK AS USUAL!)

Hey if you've got friends, please tell them about the show! We love it like mad when you do that.

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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy of The Room: "be goods."

What I brought for today's show was meant to blow down the house, but Jess's $300 smart toaster/affront to humanity steals the show.

Hey if you've got friends, please tell them about the show! We love it like mad when you do that.

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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy of The Room: "be goods."

An extra long episode for an extra long winter. 

Please tell a friend about the show?! We *love* it when you do. And continued thanks to those who have helped contribute to the ad-fund. It's been very strange and humbling. Please stop now.

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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy of The Room: "be goods."

In today's show, Jess brings reviews for midwestern Applebees with 0 game plan, and I bring Music for Cats with every game plan. 

A huge thanks to everyone who chipped into our ad-drive! It went far better than we ever expected, and the ad buy is already in the works. If you haven't chipped in yet and would like to, we're leaving everything open for a few more days.

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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy of The Room: "be goods."

Hey, it's the holidays! We've got great, holiday-adjacent stuff for you today.

And we've made it possible for you to give, if you'd like to, a one-time gift to the show, so we can buy some advertising. 

Venmo: @CriticEveryone

Thanks for sticking with us y'all, and we're gonna do our best to make this a real thing in the new year.

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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy of The Room: "be goods."

I want to get out ahead of this one and say that our holiday special, which we already recorded, is our best work in months of quarantine. This one is uh, oh boy. It's been a tough month folks.

And yeah we're aware of the static in the second half.

Hey folks, we need help growing. We want this thing to be good! Spread the word, reach out, we'll take any and all help. 

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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy of The Room: "be goods."

In today's show, Jess hunts for rare and exotic beans, and I get a call from an old friend. 

Hey folks, we need help growing. We want this thing to be... good. Spread the word, reach out, we'll take any and all ... help. My plans for advertising have maybe fallen through, so *throws a ream of paper*. Anyway, we love y'all, and thanks for bein' you.

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As Tommy Wiseau once signed my copy of The Room: "be goods."

In today's show, Jess ushers in the holidays with reviews for bad tokens of good friendships, and I make a new segment when I could've simply phoned it in.

Hey, please let someone know about the show? It'd sure be great if ya did!

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You'll always be my Weirdo #2.

Today's episode is *littered* with inaccuracies. To be clear, the Juicy Salif is not poison when you juice on it. The instructions say it tastes bad when you juice on it. Aluminum being bad for you is somewhat debunked. 

But at least when we lie, it's about juicers.

If you like the show, PLEASE TELL A FRIEND? That's our advertising for the moment. 

Our favorite music in one messy (awesome) pile-up: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0uPjDIPt5PuItK7SzTeiUE?si=d7b3827f642341d4

https://tidal.com/browse/playlist/588a3c9d-cf2f-42fc-9663-5448730033b9

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I did really hug Tommy Wiseau once. 

This episode features one of the funniest reviews I've ever found. It's lived with me and haunted me since recording. (It's the tomato one, for the record.)

Meanwhile, Jess has a bounty of reviews for foods pretending to be other foods, including and up to hamburger cookies.

We're proud of this one, and we hope you enjoy it and find some comfort this holiday, whatever that looks like for you.

Of the many new traditions for Second Halloween, one is giving where possible to indigenous/first nation causes. We've included a few options below, but local is a good way to go as well.

Women Empowering Women for Indigenous Nations

http://www.wewin04.org/

American Indian College Fund

https://collegefund.org/

Native American Rights Fund

https://www.narf.org/

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Hold your jugulars close, folks. 

In today's episode, Jess brings a Hollow Earth edition of Go Yelp It on a Mountain, and a reviewer uses four exclamation marks and four question marks, interspersed evenly.

We LOVE to hear from people. Also, PLEASE spread the word about the show! It really helps.

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Much love to you all!

Woof, kind of a long one today! Sorry about that, huge oversight over on this end. Hungry eyes and all that.

This one has reviews for cat feeders and their demon rulers, and we find some tums that AREN'T made of deadly chemicals.

See a funny review in the wild? Send it our way!

foreveracritic@gmail.com

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WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN DO WE THINK