Explorez tous les épisodes du podcast Desperately Seeking

First and foremost - the first episode with Lee is RAPIDLY climbing my ‘most popular’ list, and when you consider it’s a MEMBERS ONLY, that’s bonkers! I created a little group chat on insta, for listeners to weigh on on future episodes and MAYBE even talk among themselves (it’s early days.. nobody wants to make the first move) and the poll in that group was pretty heavily weighted towards another one with Lee.

Now, I left it all a bit late (not like me at all) and so instead of the topic I had planned (listen to the end for that ironic twist) we started on Lee’s hatred for a certain style of sandals (a ‘boner killer’ - his words) and that took us on a journey down, ‘what should we be wearing now we’re 40?’.

I think a lot of people our age are under the illusion that we’re ageing in reverse of somehow freezing time, but I have a theory.. and it’s more about what we’re wearing that anything else.

I promise we’ll get back on topic for next week, but enjoy this haphazard in-care episode in the meantime.

Welcome back to Desperately Seeking and to a brand new *MAYBE* series, ‘couples therapy’. The idea is to cover hot relationship topics with my husband of 14 years, answer questions you guys send in ..and will we talk about the importance of reality television as pseudo psychology and a way to open up conversation about inter-personal issues? PROBABLY!

YESTERDAY, I asked instagram,

‘what question do you wish you could ask another couple?’

Almost immediately, it became apparent that the NUMBER ONE question was going to be about their sex life. Understandable! I think we’re all a little curious about what goes on behind closed doors, right? But I wasn’t sure how to organise the variety of questions in to something worth listening to.

I also realised the conversation NEEDED more voices. While we can answer for us, we can’t answer for all. So, we’re going to dip our toe for episode one, see how we go, then I’ll bring in some other perspectives for a deeper dive.

I also had so many questions about finances, chores and arguing and they feel like episodes within themselves. So, drop me a DM if you’re shy or leave a comment, if you aren’t. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this one and whether you’d like us to make it a series.

Here are the questions we cover in this one:

Someone just reached out to me on instagram, thanking me for sharing my own journey with sobriety and recommending a great mocktail syrup I should try. Every time someone DMs me or leaves a comment to say they’re trying it for themselves, I feel a little swell of pride - for both of us.

But that pride is often followed by a pang of guilt, because if I’m praising you for something, I must be condemning those who aren’t following suit, right?

read more at mikhila.com

I’m Mikhila, and I’m a rage-oholic. I didn’t recognise this trait in myself until a few years ago, because it’s not even a little but the case in my real life. I’m not an angry person, I don’t shout or argue people down. I’ll debate, don’t get me wrong.. I don’t agree with everyone, but I’m not aggressive when irritated and I have never felt the urge to punch a wall, or a person. So then, why am I so easily baited online?

find more on substack at mikhila.com

I’ve been consuming A LOT of money mindset content recently. I want to hear from people who’ve turned their finances around and are sharing their journey. It’s inspiring to know what motivates change and I always learn more from someone who’s struggled than a natural savant.

read more at https://mikhila.substack.com/

Today’s bonus episode is audio AND visual. Once again coming at you from my car with a rant about how women are raised to feel like they should be less.

Check out mikhila.com to watch the video on Substack

This year, I’ve been sharing my monthly spending on YouTube, with the larger goal to finally getting my financial s**t together. Turning 40, I had a bit of an ‘enough is enough’ epiphany and decided to start no only limiting my spending, but really scrutinising it.

One question I received was from someone who truly did not get it (or me) and wanted to know what my longterm plan was. Surely I wasn’t going to have these rules for myself forever. That was interesting, I hadn’t thought of it but, yes! I probably will.

In the same way that you can’t build muscle and then you’re fit forever, I can’t just ‘fix’ my impulsive, dopamine hunting brain and never worry about it again. I am someone who will likely always have to work on these things, medication or not.

This came up in the second half of April’s budget chat and I decided to put it out as an audio episode for people who would’t have watched that, but who I think would benefit from either, hearing someone explain what they themselves experience, or who need to understand the other side because that’s not at all how their mind works.

Not to be a Russel Brand about it but, I think we can all learn something from my past mistakes here.

Today’s episode touches on some ‘sensitive’ ground but I don’t think it should be. We’ve always been on different sides but NOW, if you’re not on my side, you’re my enemy. That shouldn’t be the case and it’s no way to change hearts and minds. It just keeps us further apart - and you know SOMEONE is benefitting …

This was inspired by a previous episode, a conversation with Lee and THIS fantastic interview between Lena Dunham and Drew Barrymore. I’d highly recommend you give that a watch, if this is your thing.

I was a bad first wife to my first husband. Almost 20 years later, I can see why.

dipping back in to the archives today, I thought this chat was relevant to a conversation I had last week. It was originally recorded as a YouTube video - apologies for the spotty audio - but I didn’t think I could re-record it and capture the same energy so.. here we are.

My first Substack VLOG. I wanted to document my feelings before and after my ADHD assessment and it felt like a good time to try video along with audio.

Since giving up alcohol (originally temporarily) at the end of 2024, I really haven’t missed it at all. I thought I would. I assumed I had a budding dependence (part of why I stopped) and genuinely thought it would be a struggle. It turns out, once my brain decides on something, it’s VERY easy. A similar thing happened with my lucozade habit. I craved it, I couldn’t consider getting through the day without a couple of bottles of that liquid energy. Then one day I decided it had to stop and I have never wanted it since. Weird.

Back to drinking. The only times I’ve felt a little tempted by alcohol is in the company of others. I have no need for social lubricant, I’m very happy to stay out late, dance and karaoke sober. The issue isn’t my want for the drink so much as I feel like I’m letting the side down.

Today’s episode is from the archives. A no longer available YouTube video, now in audio form. Not everything is your job, so Milo tell me.

We watched SNL UK at the weekend and, as huge SNL fans, we were hopeful but nervous. Would it translate? Would the inevitable critical reviews kill it immediately? Would it even find an audience over here? I think they did a great job on their debut, some of the cast members are definitely future stars and Lee and I both agreed it was better than we’d imagined it would be.

But he said something specific, “I thought it would be more cringe.” And this feels uniquely British.

I have always leaned towards American TV. In recent years my mum has commented on it and how she doesn’t enjoy American shows, but (as I pointed out to her) she created this monster! I was raised on Roseanne and Laverne and Shirley. My mum took me to a private dentist as a child and said she wanted me to have an “all-American smile.” As it turned out, that was too expensive so I stuck with the crooked English smile, but the point is—I grew up on American comedy.

Of course I watched English telly too, but between what my mum was watching and the surge in US pop culture in my teens, it’s no wonder that’s where I feel most at home, entertainment-wise.

As an adult, I watched a lot of late night interviews and listened to podcasts where guests would make reference to adverts or snacks, or just phrases that we didn’t use here. Over time, my speech became more American. The words I used, it was as if I was filling in the years of growing up in Doncaster with other people’s memories and now? It’s as if I was there all along.

So I feel comfortable in that space, but it also feels foreign to me. It’s a bit supernatural. The people don’t feel real, because those voices and places live in my television. When I watch an American competing on a show and make an absolute fool of himself, I’m not worried about what people back home will say. I’m not thinking about his job, or his high school girlfriend seeing that. He doesn’t have a job or a high school girlfriend. He’s an NPC who just popped in for this scene and ceases to exist after it ends.

It’s more like a virtual reality show.

When I watch an English girl get her kit off on Naked Attraction, I am mortified. What will her mum think? She is going to have to go back to her telesales job and everyone has seen her naked!! That’s not fun. That’s stressful and it’s—like Lee said—cringe.

Don’t get me wrong, I have zero judgement about anyone taking a job on one of these shows OR taking their clothes off for money, I just can’t detach myself from the real life consequences of that when they’re from here. Our tabloids are vicious, I don’t know why anyone would want to put themselves in a situation where you could be front page news and mocked relentlessly. If they’re from Atlanta, I can’t imagine their newsstands. I don’t know what the backlash looks like for their day-to-day. I do know how it would feel rocking up to work on Wednesday if everyone saw my boobs on TV on Saturday night.

I know I’m focusing too much on the naked stuff but it’s top of mind because there was a contestant on that show from around here. I also knew someone who went on Come Dine With Me and that was equally devastating.

You might be wondering how this differs from YouTube, and I’m kind of wondering that myself.

I don’t ever mention what I do online when I meet someone. Often they find out from someone else—in fact a manager was talking to me last week about how his boy had spoken publicly about the state of some facilities and it had been picked up by the press. He showed me some cruel comment someone had made about his appearance and what he’d written in response. I mean, this was a kid—totally out of order—but he said to me, “I don’t know how you do it.” And that’s how I knew he knew. It is slightly uncomfortable, but it’s not national TV.

I’m also using Naked Attraction as the example because often it’s more behaviour based, and I feel pretty confident that I wouldn’t call someone names or use a racist slur. In fact, when Lee and I were discussing this, I came to the conclusion that the worst thing people would say about me were I to go on a reality show would be, “God, she’s annoying.” Not nice but I think I could weather it. I’ve had a lot of practice.

When someone behaves badly in a foreign country, it’s entertaining, but I’m not worried about their mum being ashamed of them. They don’t have a mum, remember?

I would say, the halfway point for me is Australians. They feel familiar enough to have lives outside of the project while also far away enough to be watchable. We watch Married at First Sight and the behaviour of some of those contestants this year has been diabolical. It must be the worst year yet. Jacqui last year was totally bonkers but this year they feel authentically cruel. I’m sure there’s an element of “making good TV” but it’s becoming difficult to watch, when some of them seem so genuine and kind and they’re being ripped apart by… I mean, animals. Truly.

That’s where it starts to fall apart for me. I think, “Well, she’s ruined her life. Why would you volunteer to do this and then behave in a way that you just cannot recover from publicly?” I understand the 15 minutes of fame and maybe going on a show like MAFS to raise your profile and try to become an influencer, but who’s going to pay you to promote their product when you’re hated internationally? I heard a couple of them had lost their jobs as a result of the show airing. I will never understand the logic—and had they been Americans, I’d never have tried.

You know when celebrities say, “I’m a real person, I’m a human, I have feelings.” My brain says, “nah!”. If they’re American and they’re in my TV, they’re just characters in the play. It’s much easier to detach myself from the reality of their wider world and enjoy the toxicity for its entertainment value. I can’t do the same when they’re too close to home—literally.

Is it just me?

I’ve realised I like to seek out advice from people who live HERE and are living LIKE ME but I like my entertainment from across the pond.

If you haven’t already, don’t forget to subscribe on Substack to receive my weekly newsletter straight in your inbox, and follow me wherever you’re listening to this podcast. Don’t forget to leave me a review, it helps that platform know it’s worth recommending to other people—not that it is, but we have to play the algorithm game, and I’ll be back on Wednesday for a members only bonus episode.

Today’s episode is a chat with my friend, Karen, who suffered her own annus horribilis back in 2021. She found dark humour saw her through adjusting to her new normal and that’s how we first bonded.. because I too enjoy laughing through pain.

But not everybody gets it.. and that’s what we’re talking about today.

I asked on instagram for some questions for an agony aunt episode and I didn’t get quite enough to separate them in to themed episodes so we’ll kick off with my favourites in this mixed episode and hopefully you’ll send in some more for next time. You can DM me on instagram @mikhilamcdaid or email me at hello@mikhila.com

In 2024, at the age of 38, I was diagnosed with ADHD. I had been wrestling with the idea of private assessments for a long time. I had some amount of guilt based in my privilege at having access to that service where others do not, I also felt like a private diagnosis would be less valid. The real issue there was, valid to who? I had already discussed the idea with my GP who agreed they would accept it, as and when the time came, so who did I need to believe me? I hate to tell you this but I think you know - strangers on the internet.

Whenever I mentioned my (as yet undiagnosed ADHD) I was met with criticism for claiming a condition and therefor minimising the experience of others. I once jokingly referred to it as ‘peer reviewed’ in a post and one person took that very badly indeed!

Welcome back to the newly renamed Desperately Seeking

This week I was seeking clarity, I wanted to know why people pick up gardening in midlife who’ve never shown much interest previously and along the way I realised it’s exactly the same reason people who’ve previously been somewhat messy with money will decide to get a handle on their person finances.

I was talking with a friend recently about gardening. She too is in her 40s and finding herself suddenly taken with the idea of bulbs and seeds and planting things in general. We were debating the reason this seems to happen in middle age. I come from, what I’d describe as, a garden heavy family, but when did my Dad really pick it up? He probably wasn’t in the greenhouse with him Mum in his 20s, was he?

Lee and I have often laughed about the generic gifts for men being football, beer or garden related, when he’s interested in none of the above. All jokes aside, if you search for a ‘Grandad’ card, it’s probably going to have a shed or a wheelbarrow on the front of it.

For the longest time, I assumed the retired community just had more time, and they do.. just not in the way I thought.

When you’re young, you look at the back of a seed packet and thing, ‘6 months? thats ages!. When you’re 40, you think, ‘oh that’s not time at all’. The older you get, the longer you’ve lived, the shorter the years feel. Planting a sapling, knowing you may not see flowers or fruit for 5 years, is ridiculous in your 20s. You don’t know where you’ll be in 5 years, that’s a lifetime away. I realised recently that we’ve lived in our home for almost 10.. how can that be? I’ve been making YouTube videos for 16… but I’m only 25!!!

So it’s not so strange that we pick up gardening in midlife really. It’s not just that we’re boring and old, it’s that we see time differently.

But how does this relate to money? I’m so glad you asked.

We saw someone in a flash car yesterday and Lee said, ‘as you get older, a car payment on that makes less and less sense.’ - same logic, but in reverse. When you’re young, you’re living for the moment. Savings and pensions are something for your adult self to think about, you’re still just a kid - but now you have access to money, sometimes money you don’t even have.

Taking out 5 year finance on something is not just easy, it's not just instant gratification, you have no frame of reference for what they really means. 5 years is a social construct.. time isn’t real. You don’t know how it will feel to have a payment taken from you for SIXTY MONTHS. I got myself in some sticky situations as a kid. When I turned 18, I said yes to every line of credit that was offered and I wasn’t earning a great deal. This was pre-2008, when banks were even less scrupulous about lending .. but that was a problem for another day, it would be fine.

I ended up with an £8000 consolidation loan at 20, and absolutely nothing to show for it.

You’d think I’d learn.. but no. I kept repeating the cycle of getting in debt, working hard to pay it off, getting in debt.. etc etc..

Once I was diagnosed with ADHD, a little switch flipped in me. I had been operating at a deficit. I didn’t have the same tools as everyone else. I wasn’t a failure, I was set up to struggle. Something about that helped me to see things more clearly. Once you know the problem, its easier to imagine a solution.

Beyond that, I was in my late 30s and I was just sick of myself. I didn’t want to keep doing what I’d been doing.. it was miserable to feel like I couldn’t just get my s**t together like everyone else. I decided I wanted to get a handle on my finances and I started looking through everything I was spending. Now, this is a long game, I’m still very much a work in progress, but this is how it began.

I recognised some patterns, set myself some goals and challenges myself to spend less. I started looking through previous years and kicking myself for the money I’d wasted. ‘If I had that money now’ I thought. Where did it all go? At the time, it felt fluid and free, it felt like I had infinite years to earn money so, who cares? Turns out, it was me.. just later.

Now, I look at the money coming in, the money I’m wasting on interest, the money I’m paying in to my pension at work… I’m realising what it cost me in the long term to never consider the future. My mindset is completely different. I don’t want to live in my overdraft anymore. I don’t want to have to work forever. I don’t want to have to always be worrying about making payments. Now 5 years doesn’t feel so long away.

I didn’t see the point in saving money for a rainy day because I hadn’t experienced enough of them. Now I stop myself from picking up those cute pillows or that lamp because it’s not just £50, it’s £50 every time you go in that shop and that’s £200 a month, and that’s £2,400 a year… and it’s probably all on a credit card.

I am struggling with the yolo on experiences right now, because I told myself to do more with this big birthday year, but I’ve checked myself and reigned it in. Checking my budget every month and where my money is going has made me want to see that number going down more that I want to get that dopamine hit from the impulse buy.

I started my first every regular saver last year that I actually stuck to, and at the end of the year I had a large chunk to put towards my tax bill - which I paid on time for maybe the first time.

I’ve started putting random sums in a different saver this year, because we have a big holiday coming and I don’t want to be scrambling for cash.. I want to already have it. I don’t want to be relying on my overdraft, I want to have planned ahead.

I am sowing seeds because I know that 6 months is no time at all. If it’s no time at all, I can afford to tighten the purse strings for that long, and I will see those savings come to fruition on the other side of the summer.

The Summer holidays used to be LONG, now they feel like, blink and you’ll miss them.

So, it’s not just that we’re getting boring in our older age, it’s that we can play this tape to the end. ‘Later’ comes around sooner than you think.

Today’s episode is on the heels of a particularly rude run of interactions on social media this week, some of the conversations that followed and how I am (and I wish I was) dealing with criticism of my life and the way I show up online.

Nobody’s voice should be louder than yours in your own head.

Today we’re talking about why comparing yourself to the school gate mums (or worst still ONLINE mums) is not only pointless, but also not fair to anyone. We’re all parenting selfishly, you just have to recognise it and LET GO of your guilt for not doing the things you hate.

Today we’re talking about the difference between wanting to be seen and wanting to be HEARD and why women are raised to think attention seeking is a negative trait while men are encouraged to be bold and assertive.

I am not above enjoying some internet commentary. I like to see someone who’s manipulating their audience be called out for their deception, but has it gone too far? It feels like everyone’s an influencer in 2026. Anyone can access affiliate marketing, every brand has some kind of ‘refer a friend’ scheme and there’s no way you don’t know someone in an MLM.

So when I see whole channels dedicated to denouncing the ‘influencer industry’ my one and only question is, WHO ARE THEY? Because someone with an audience who is creating content about influencers, is themselves also an influencer.. are they not? If you share an opinion online and have a substantial number of eyes on you, aren’t you influencing their opinions?

I’m pre-determined to be irritated, having just accepted that what was once a blogger is now an influencer, only to be told I’m the worst kind of person. I’ve waxed on about my disdain for TikTok and how that platform became a marketplace overnight and changed the culture of social media.. so I am not surprised by the harsh take, more trying to determine whether there’s any way to escape from the building before it collapses with me inside.

Today’s episode was triggered by Hilary Duff’s new album. She has a few songs about family estrangement and, having a lot of experience in this area myself, I thought it was worth talking about.

It’s often talked about as a ‘trend’ since it’s picked up on social media but is it? Or is it just more socially acceptable to talk about it than it once was?

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Today, we’re talking about MONEY. So uncomfortable, right? Whether you have it or not, it’s not something we love to chat about but we should. When something’s a dirty little secret, it starts to feel shameful, and if you have struggled with your finances, it discourages you from facing the problem to fix it. Additionally, women hear messaging about men being ‘better with money’ from such an early age and it’s just not true. It’s personality based at best and environmental at worst. We can choose to change that mindset, but we have to start talking first.

Have I spoken about this already? Once I started, I felt like we’d already done an episode on it but IF I HAVEN’T, I’ll do a full follow up with a ‘guest’ because I LOVE the topic of the Law of Attraction and I think it’s better demonstrated in conversation than anything else.

If you have any of your own examples or questions, send them over and I’ll include them in that episode

This was a particularly low energy episode.. but that was kind of the point. It’s hard to see it in yourself but vlogging every day this month has forced me to see myself in my life every day. The lack of motivation and convincing myself it was just too cold to get ‘dressed’ has to end with February.

I cant control many things but I can force some change…

Parenting is SO hard at the best of times, but when you feel like the decisions you’re making will have a longer impact, when you have no time to fix things.. that’s when it can feel impossible.

Today I’m talking about counselling your kids through the teenage years, choices at school, helping them decide what they want to be when they grow up. We will never know how much or how little our kids need us to push or whether we did the right thing. Going through this from the other side also helped me give my own parents some grace . We’re all just living for the first time, after all.

I want to be clear.. I don’t hate how I look, I’ve always had a pretty healthy body image. I obviously don’t always LOVE how I look, but I' don’t feel awful about myself by any means. That said, sometimes something gets in my psyche and plants a seed. This week, that seed was Sydney Sweeney.

I’m on a bit of a mission this year. From my home to my mind, I want to feel lighter and more organised by the end of it.. so I’m digging through the rubbish. What can stay and what can go? Can I live with this or do I need to move it on?

I have my fair share of undesirable personality traits but a lot of them, I’ve realised, make me who I am.. hopefully balanced out with some more positive elements. Deciding what’s truly a flaw I need to work on can be tricky at 40. I know myself best now and some of the things I would have changed 10 years ago, I quite like now.

Today I’m talking about ‘oversharing’. Very apt for this heart-on-my-sleeve podcast. Is oversharing something I absolutely need to get a handle on or can it actually serve a purpose? Can it help you find your people while weeding out the ones you really don’t want around?

Today’s episode it just for my paid members because it feels a little safer sharing vulnerable, personal stories behind a paywall. That makes absolutely no sense.. but trust me, this is a WHISPER in my mind

Sometimes, when you’re still thinking about something that happened 20 years go, it means the relationship has lasted far longer than it should have.…

The main takeaway from this episode is that ALL THOSE HOURS I spent trying to painstakingly level our voices when we used to remotely record podcasts together was POINTLESS because this was recorded on my phone and we were equidistant from the mic. I am just LOUD!

Second to that, I think it IS true that we care less about perception as we age, but maybe in different ways. And the people pleasing is still something you have to actively decide to work on. Overall, I’m only excited to get older (inside) but am yet to loosen my grasp on that outer youth that I can feel (and see) slipping away from me already.

Thanks to Emma for joining me for this one. She’s recently joined substack so go and follow her to see what she posts - It’s Em Channel

This episode is entirely inspired by a chapter in Amy Poehler’s book, Yes, Please! Call your parents today and ask them to tell you about the day you were born.

Today’s episode is a run through of items I wish I could go back and tell my 30 year old self on my 40th birthday.

I was putting this one off so here’s the off the cuff version.. possibly to be updated when the pressure is off

This episode was wholly inspired by Cass from Clutter Bug - check her out here - and the final nail in my overwhelm coffin. I cannot tell you how much lighter I feel for doing this and, for those of you who I’ve encouraged to watch that documentary - BUY NOW on Netflix - know that there’s a BALANCE to be found!

This episode was inspired by a DM exchange I had with someone who also struggles with ADHD and the emotional dysregulation side of things. She asked how to be better, be more compassionate and be more open (less negative) when her partner does feel like sharing with her. I thought it was a great jumping off point for a chat today.

For the longest time, I avoided this practice. The closest I came was ‘gratitude journalling’ because acknowledging your highlights on dark days is helpful in pulling you out of of a funk. Reminding yourself of what you have is always a good thing.. but writing a ‘dear diary, here’s how I’m feeling’ was off putting to me for two reasons. 1. it felt very self indulgent (I mean really, what’s wrong with that anyway?) but also 2. anything you write is likely vulnerable and not something you’d want someone else to read. A risky practice.

In today’s chat, I’m talking about how I’ve accidentally been journalling to work though my problems for years and how you may benefit from the method I’ve been using too.

you can find out how to subscribe here: https://mikhila.substack.com/about

A bit of accidental journalling did me good today. If I can’t ask for what I want, I can’t blame anyone else for not being able to read my mind.

Today’s episode ticks off my ‘see a brand new show’ item and discusses the frisson of emotion some of us feel strongly when experiencing a liver performance.

And if you see this… let me know! 😂

On my 40 By 40 bucket list, I had ‘put washer fluid in my car.’ Had I known where the year would take me, I’d have made loftier goals.

This year, I’ve had a car hit me, head on, while I was driving - and then drive away. That was a nice bill and a little some to kick off 2025. My car then refused to go in to second gear and a mechanic said it needed a new clutch - which didn’t fix it, so now it still won’t go in to second gear AND I had to pay for a new clutch. And finally, I went on a death defying solo journey to Dorset and came home with a fear of night driving.

I still haven’t put washer fluid in my car but I know what it is and where it goes and when I tell you my oil change story, I’m sure you’ll agree that I’m more than capable.

Why I decided it was smart to set off on this journey at 6pm on a Friday night, I don’t know. In hindsight, I should have done a 5am Saturday start instead. It was NOT FUN. Half an hour in, the check oil light comes on. This is the first I’m hearing of it but it’s a long drive so I think it’s probably smart to pull over and check it out. Thinking I’m savvy, I find a garage, google the oil my car needs, buy said oil and sit in the car, watching a YouTube video, wondering where I can find a funnel.

My candle making skills turned out to be transferrable here. I knew I could use my thermometer to train oil in to a bottle, so what’s to stop me using the dip stick to sub in as a funnel? Nothing - worked perfectly, felt like a genius. Before some smart Alec pipes up, I did put the oil in the engine, not the dip stick hole. I scared a man at Screwfix with that very story so just getting ahead of it.

I’d checked the oil level and it appeared to be low. I had no idea how much oil a car could take so I conservatively added around 200ml. The next dip stick check was a bit of a shock, it showed twice as much oil as the car needed. GREAT. By this time, it’s getting dark, I’ve barely begun and google is telling me it’s more dangerous to drive with too much oil than too little. A normal person may have turned around and gone home at that point - not me. I decided to continue and put myself through 4 and a half hours of driving in the dark and torrential rain, constantly worried my car was about to blow up.

Also, I don’t know if you’ve driven through Bath recently but it’s pretty hilly. Difficult without that second gear.

So I finally get to my destination and discover that there’s no such thing as next day prime delivery in the arse end of Mordor, so I decide to head off to a garage the next morning to find something to remove some of this oil. Of course, nothing is open in the countryside.. everywhere closed by the time I got round to it and I was left with screw fix and a plastic syringe kit.

Would that pipe reach the oil? Would it chuff.

This took up a large amount of my weekend - for which I had risked life and limb to attend.

A friend of my friend even came to help. He had a pump and appeared to know what he was doing but he too was getting mixed messages from the dip stick. Apparently I hadn’t put nearly enough oil in to cause it to be over or cause a problem but nobody wanted to add any more - just in case.

The next day I drove the 5 hours home, with the light on, again waiting to explode before I reached the M18.

Thankfully, we have a local mechanic who looked at it and and confirmed I had never added too much oil, he did me an oil change and all has been well ever since. He also told me people wait weeks to deal with oil lights so I needn’t have panicked. WELL THAT’S NOT WHAT GOOGLE SAID, MATT!

I refrained from telling him the story of the time I changed the battery in my own car and set a small fire in the engine. That was one of my greatest accomplishments but every time I went over a bump, the engine cut out. Eventually I had to seek professional help then too. For the car, not for me, although both were needed.

Turned out I hadn’t replaced every nut and bolt and it was just a little bit of a loose connection - but come on! I considered that a win.

So, I can’t drive at night anymore because the horrors persist, but I feel like I’ve made great strides in the car maintenance world. Next year I’m going to learn how to put air in the tyres.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but I’m planning a themed 40th year, the theme is, ‘Death Becomes Her’. I love that movie, I love Meryl and Goldie, I love the message - did you ever see the interview where Goldie Hawn talked about the original ending? It would have been so much better - and this year I saw the Broadway show in New York with the full cast.

It was well known that this particular show regularly had the understudies in the mix because the cast was older and the performances were taxing. I actually had an email letting us know that Megan Hilty wouldn’t be at our performance a few months after booking, with the offer of a full refund if we chose. I didn’t because I wanted to see the show regardless but then she was there!! That felt like a little bit of magic.

Not to dismiss the understudies AT ALL, I’m certain they’re phenomenal, but I’d been listening to the soundtrack all year and it would have been more like going to watch a tribute act vs the real thing.

As I previously mentioned - I cry at everything - and I cried basically the whole way through that show. I was so amped up to be there, the theatre was beautiful, the sets were incredible and I think they actually won a Tony for the costumes. I have this frisson with live events and music in general, I could cry at the thought of it, honestly. It’s like a heightened sensitivity to it all, I think.

The movie made its mark on me in adolescence. Looking back, there’s one clear thread that was missing from most movies of that time that this had in spades - no pun intended. Something you may not have put your finger on but it passes something called, ‘The Bechdel Test’. The test is whether you have 2 female characters (who must have names) talking about anything other than a man. Once you’re aware of it, you’ll be surprised how often a movie or TV show can’t pass that, basic as it seems. Both of these women were so self involved that the men were secondary characters, Ernest was a pawn throughout, but still - they passed with flying colours.

Seeing strong, vengeful women was appealing to my teenage self and, while on paper the messaging seemed to fit in with the 90s beauty standard, in reality it was mocking the vanity of women and reminding us how minor it is in the grand scheme of life.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m plenty vain. If there’s an anti ageing device or product to try, I probably have it, but I’ve drawn the line at cosmetic intervention because I know I’m the kind of person for whom it would be a slippery slope. I see my face more than the average and have received enough criticism of my appearance from strangers on the internet to be tempted to have just a little more.. just a little more.

The song I think speaks to every 40+ woman from the musical is, ‘Siempre Viva’

Michelle Williams - of Destiny's Child, not Dawsons Creek - sings,

For gravity’s kiss is pulling you down, you’re losing your youth, it’s unfair, it’s a b***h, it’s crime’

We don’t necessarily want to LIVE forever but watching your face collapse is feels like a punishment, while we can all agree, it’s a blessing to keep living when so many don’t get that chance. The movies message is ‘be careful what you wish for’ in a YOLO world.

If I haven’t already (I’m not sure which order I will post these episodes) but I will be sharing the painting I commissioned from Kenzi Taylor (who I’ll link in the show notes) and the pottery I made - both within this theme. I thought it would be fun, a little 90s throw back but also have a deeper message for my 40 year old, potentially more-tempted-than-ever, self. Healthy and alive is preferable to a youthful appearance. That and, I do consider myself to be somewhat of a role model, not just to my children but to my peers online.

I absolutely understand why more people like me, who see themselves a lot and have strangers pick them apart, are more susceptible to having a little tweak here and there, but I want to follow people who are ageing without that and I want to be that person for others. That keeps me more accountable that you know. There are many dark sides to sharing myself online for 15 years but there are some great silver linings too!

Anywho, the show - incredible. Experiencing something like that in a crowd is special, isn’t it? I want to make the effort to see more live theatre next year. For a long time, I avoided it because it wasn’t something I couldn’t re-experience easily. I didn’t want to fall in love with something and never be able to see it again. A live performance is a one off and something in my brain says, ‘don’t do it, you’ll be sad’. It’s true, but I have the album and it made it to the very top of my Apple Music wrapped so - it clearly made the same impression the movie did.

Some things are special because of when and how you first consumed them. They brand themselves on your heart forever because you were young or you were going through a break up or you just needed it in that moment. Death Becomes Her has that place for me, so when I get a tattoo of the potion bottle, don’t think I’m having a mid-life crisis. I’m just letting you see the brand that’s been there on the inside for decades, on the outside.

Super quick one today, I made some printable planner pages this time last year and had them as a free download on my blog. That blog is no more but I wanted to reshare with those of you who missed them then. I’ve put them up on smokeandmatches.com, and if you want to see how I used the, the video below is an hour long livestream session I did with some viewers last year.

HAPPY PLANNING!

New York is my favourite city in the world (she says, not being at all well travelled) and I’ve visited so many times I’ve lost count at this point, so how can it be that when talking about this favourite city of mine, I’m always faced with a, ‘oh have you been to - insert famous landmark here’ and almost always haven’t.

I think it’s the baseline assumption that there will always be more time.

I’m pretty hardcore about planning city trips. I make a list of places we want to visit, see and restaurants we want to eat in and then group them by area. I make a schedule with maps and make sure we hit all the local spots and are maximising our time. It’s not like I’m a blasé, ‘see what happens on the day’ kind of traveller, so why was it my *counts in head* 12th or so trip to New York before I made it to Katz Deli?

Once I knew New York would be a regular destination, once I knew I’d be back again and again, it became less important to tick off the iconic locations. When you know something is available, you don’t worry about putting it in your diary or making plans to experience it, it will always just be there, right?

This applies to so many things.

I don’t always go out of my way to spend quality time with my kids because I live with them, I see them every day. I don’t have a weekly - or even monthly - date night with my husband because, we’ll get around to it. I can go weeks without seeing my parents or my brother or niece, because they live so close, I can see them anytime - and then I just don’t.

Those limited edition burgers McDonalds release are always more appealing than a new item on the menu.. because that’ll be around forever, I’ll get to it.

The perceived access and availability of something makes it less important and less of a priority - but nothing’s guaranteed.

A friend of mine is no longer able to travel long distance because of an illness. I assume I’ll only be more able to hop on a plane to New York as I get older. My time and money freedom will allow me endless trips to the states, to get to those things I haven’t done yet. Restaurants close, people get ill, family moves away. We assume we have all the time in the world but we don’t.

I did finally get to Katz Deli this summer and (although I may not make a special trip back) I’m glad I went. It gave me the old school New York vibes and looked exactly the same as it did in When Harry Met Sally. They even had the sign hanging above the table they sat at in the movie. It was special and definitely a bucket list item.

One of the reasons I made my 40 by 40 birthday list was because I knew I wouldn’t do anything with this year if I didn’t. I knew that not only did I need to make the list but I needed to tell you I’d made the list. I needed to record myself checking things off it and commit to creating these episodes to share with you. Now, granted, I did thing they’d be weekly updates and I’ve been much more fair-weather about this than planned - but even if I complete HALF of what I set out to, I’ll have done more in 2025 and made a conscious choice to try more new things than I have in previous years.

They say life is long and I do believe that but it doesn’t always feel it, does it? The last 20 years have felt like 40 and 5 all at once. I mentioned in a recent video that I’d been dreaming of our next house being the vision board house that my kids would come back home to, the one they remember their childhoods in, until one day I realised, they’d already grown up in this house. This is their childhood home and that ship has sailed.

Time passed but in my mind, I was still chasing an old idea of what my life would be. I’ve pivoted and our next house, our last house, will be my Grandma house. The magical, witchy house my grandkids will visit and they will remember growing up in. We can’t stop time and some dreams aren’t meant to be but all this is to say, it’s going by every day, don’t skip opportunities, assuming they will come back around.

I know I have lots of life left and could meet countless more versions of myself, discovering new wants and fears all the time, but I never want to look back and wish I’d got on that train.

I want to do all the things, as Mrs Maisel said, ‘I want a big life’, and that doesn’t come from leaving things for tomorrow.

I had a conversation with my daughter recently about family. I told her why I make allowances for some relatives and that I felt a weight lift once I realised they were never going to change. She asked why I wouldn’t hold them accountable and I haven’t been able to stop replaying this answer in my head since.

I explained that my choice to forgive and move on, without any closure or apology, was based in my want for a relationship with those people. There comes a point where you recognise you will never get that ‘sorry’ or that explanation you need and you have to make a choice. Either you cut that person off or you let it go. The latter is harder than it sounds and it doesn’t work as long as you’re holding on to hope that the person will change - I know this from experience.

If you want to keep that connection, the only side you have control of is yours. I say this as someone who does have family she no longer sees. I am not averse to no-contact, but I know my line and where my regrets would lie later. I’ve been guilty of saying, ‘this is everyone’s first time on earth’ to excuse poor behaviour and justify things I have forgiven, but what message does that send to my children?

I’m very open with my kids so we aren’t privately pretending all is well, but am I teaching them to accept toxic relationships?

I saw something online the other day, where the poster was asking why there was a sudden surge in kids cutting off their parents. I don’t believe that’s the case at all. I think it’s always been common but nobody talked about it. My husband, mother and best friend all have immediate family members they haven’t spoken to in years (some, decades) but they didn’t raise the topic in conversation because the automatic response is always, ‘oh but it’s your family’. Now it seems to be more socially acceptable to say you no longer speak to your Mum or Dad or Sister - whatever your reason.

One of the items on my bucket list for this year was to go and see a motivational speaker. I’m very in to self development and have analysed myself - along with some external counselling - to death over the years. It felt like the next logical step was to watch someone tell me how to improve my life on a stage.

I was beyond excited to get tickets to see Mel Robbins in London with Emma. When we got there, Mel asked the audience how many had come alone and the number of hands that shot up made me cry immediately. That’s another story, I cry all the time, but the idea that so many people - mostly women - wanted to be there so much they came alone really touched me. We truly are all seeking something, I really believe that.

Her best-selling book is based on her ‘Let Them’ theory and I’ve seen this lauded and picked apart online in equal measure. At face value, it does appear that you are accepting poor behaviour and letting people treat you badly but that really isn’t the thought behind it. It’s more about letting go of the weight you’re carrying. How many of us feel responsible for other people? I’m not talking about your children, your adult friends and family.

I’m planning a little dinner party at the moment and now that I no longer drink, I recognise the amount of time I spent making sure every possible cocktail combination was available for my guests in the past. I would spend countless hours squeezing lemons and making garnishes because I wanted the full bar experience. I truly don’t think anyone ever appreciated it. Who was I doing it for? I was trying to control the perception and the enjoyment of people who were absolutely happy bringing their own bottles of prosecco.

There are two things at play here.

1. Let them bring the drink they want

and 2. Let them not care about the effort you’ve made.

I don’t mean to say they were ungrateful - far from it - but when you choose to put in a lot of time to something, you are not owed an equal response. Gift giving season is approaching and this is a very good lesson to remember. I have given gifts in the past that were so thoughtful and considered and the person just never used them. They were grateful, of course! They thanked me.. but I know they didn’t receive them with the same energy they were gifted.

AND THAT’S OKAY!

If I’m at a family event, I’m always on edge, waiting to balance conversations or catch arguments before them occur. My kids used to get on at me for this one. They’d be playing and I’d cut them short - because I knew the patterns, it was 5 minutes away from a fight - but why? I am not responsible for everyone else’s comfort, I am not responsible for everyone else’s emotions, I do not have to control every situation I’m in - I can just be there.

That should be my daily affirmation.

These are minor examples, of course, but this is what I took away from the ‘let them’ theory.

Let people behave however they choose and from there, you can decide who you spend your limited energy on. It doesn’t mean you have to let people treat you badly but, in my personal situation, there are people who have done things I wish they hadn’t and I have accepted that they do not see it that way. We will never agree and so either we part ways or I let it go. Some people are not worth holding on to but, as I said to my daughter, I am choosing to close the door on the issue rather than the person. In this case, let them be wrong.

Ultimately, it comes down to which will cause more sleepless nights. Is it the closure you never received or the person you don’t see anymore. Having lived both sides of that coin, neither is fun but removing the weight of that responsibility, letting that person be - whatever your choice was - is the healing element. I’m not religious but always liked, ‘let go and let god’. It’s the universes problem now.

I have always told my kids that if I’ve upset them, I want to know. I don’t want them replaying things I said in their heads til they’re 40. I will always apologise. Even if you didn’t mean to hurt someone, denying a conversation or reframing an event to put you in a better light never helped anyone. You know, they know, that’s unnecessary tension. A lot can be fixed with sorry, even if you didn’t think you did anything wrong. But if it’s not coming from that person in your life, you have to make a choice. It’s freeing either way.

One of my ‘to dos’ this year was to finally read a physical book. That sounds like such a nothing goal, I realise, but carving out that kind of focused time felt impossible - before getting to the question of whether I actually had the attention span anymore.

I used to be a voracious reader. I would read walking to work. When I commuted I had loads of time to read and before I had my daughter I remember reading a whole series over the summer. I loved to read.. but then I discovered audio books. Someone could read to me while I did other things? I never looked back.

Unfortunately, I discovered that I really only enjoyed listening to autobiographies and self help, so unintentionally, over the past decade, I phased out fiction. There were a couple that slipped through, mostly because the voice actors were fantastic, or they were performed in the style of a play but I’d say 90% of my adult reading has been non-fiction.

A couple of years ago I decided I wanted to write a book of my own. I’d written one once before, under the guidance of a publisher but that was self-help and an extension of what I was already doing online. I wanted to challenge myself to write a mystery. I pride myself on pattern recognition and can usually guess a whodunnit 10 minutes in but a new show (only murders in the building) sparked something. Each season I would take copious notes and come up with elaborate ideas that were almost never the actual murder. I started to wonder if I had the imaginative chops to create a story from scratch.

Unfortunately, my ADHD will only allow me to create when the stars align and so that idea sat on the back burner until last September. I was at work and I cannot tell you what inspired me but the entire story played out in my mind.

Small town America..

A town called Magic (named for its lake) is a tourist trap because of the rumoured supernatural occurrences

Main character works in a curio shop selling crystals and incense to travellers but is, herself, a sceptic

Her colleague is an older woman who claims to be a witch.

She’s gifted a crystal by this colleague and things start to happen .. she almost believes that she’s controlling events - and then her boyfriend dies and she’s the main suspect

Name - “murder by magic”

I rushed out at lunch to buy a notebook (because of course) and write out as many details as I could before I lost them. I thought, ‘the moment I get home I will start writing’.. and then.. I didn’t. I told people about my idea and each time I added a little extra flare to the story, a twist or turn, an unexpected character, an evil twin?? But that, ‘okay - now write it’ never came.

It’s frustrating to explain this block I have in my brain to people who don’t have it. It’s the same thing that has me working out in jeans because I have to reduce the number of steps between me and doing the thing once the impetus strikes.

A huge block I’ve had is that I don’t feel smart enough to write a book. My writing structure is informal, at best, and I have a built-in audience, some of whom will jump at a chance to criticise. I received the expected negative reviews when I wrote my first book but they were easy to dismiss because it felt like a bound version of my blog. I was used to those trolls. I also had an editor. This time around I’d be going it alone and my slapdash typing errors would only have me to catch them.

I started this substack to force me to practice writing but I only ever write in my conversational ‘blog’ style so.. I’ve learned nothing. Do I take a class? Is that a thing? Creative writing? That feels like a retired divorcee hobby from a Nancy Meyers movie, doesn’t it? ‘Self indulgent’, I imagine they’d say. I have enough on already. I shouldn’t be writing a flipping book!

And I hadn’t read a book in 10 years!! How could I write my own?

So back to that goal. I finally finished the book. I had started reading a fantasy novel. I didn’t want to revert to the rom com of my youth so thought, ‘these are popular.. I’ll give it a go.’ - what a slog. I abandoned it 70% in, after 8 months. I really thought I’d lost the skill entirely but I ended up finishing the second book, ‘The Husbands’ by Holly Gramazio, in 6 weeks. Two lessons to be had from that.

* Don’t force it, some things just aren’t for you.

* Life’s too short to read bad books.

While I was on a roll, I picked out one of the murder mysteries I bought when I was feeling positive I’d breeze through the first. ‘Buried in a Good Book’ by Tamara Berry. By the end of the first chapter, that itch came back. Maybe it was the mystery, maybe it was her easy writing style, maybe it was that the setting felt so similar to the idea I’d had? Who cares? I spent that evening really pinning down my outline, my character descriptions, casting them to give me a visual in my mind and creating pinterest boards to flesh out the world I was creating.

Whether this book will ever be written remains to be seen (and if I ever publish, it may well be under the cover of darkness) but my little self-improvement goals feel like they’re all pushing my towards a larger, better me. I know I keep banging on about it but the whole point of this substack was to record my steps to starting my next decade feeling like my best possible self and this past week has really felt like big steps.

I’ve been taking guilt-free time for myself on projects around the house and hobbies that I can’t monetise. I’m all about that hustle culture but there has to be a balance where you’re enjoying the hustle you’re in and not only working towards an imaginary future. I feel like I’m finding that balance and things like reading don’t feel selfish. As the evil Alan Rickman suggested in the saddest movie of all time, Love Actually, I’m continuing my emotional education.

* SIDE NOTE. Should I post some sample chapters here, if I actually get to writing this thing?

When I wrote my birthday bucket list I cheated a little. There were some things I already had planned that I added, knowing they’d be easy wins.. but others, though possible, I felt I might need a push to complete. This was one.

In 2021 we visited New York at Christmas for the first time, we went to see the tree and it was truly magic. Absolutely lived up to the decades of movie-magic but you couldn’t get very close because there were (what felt like) hundreds of people in one tiny area. Note, this was peak covid time.. we had to test to get on the flight and be temperature checked to enter restaurants while people were body to body at Rockerfeller Plaza.

On our final night, everyone else was asleep while I was sitting by the window, taking in the city when Home Alone 2 came on the TV. MAGIC. I couldn’t believe I was watching the movie, in the city and just a couple of blocks away from that famous tree. Something sparked in me and I wondered, ‘is it always lit? could I go out right now and see it?’. Turns out, the lights are turned on at 5am each morning, so I decided I was going to go out and see the tree lighting alone on our last day.

It really was close by so I only needed to leave 10 minutes before to make sure I was there for the hour. When I arrived, there were maybe 5 or 6 other people with the same idea and as I walked towards the front.. LIGHTS. I’m over-using it but truly there’s no other word. MAGIC. To see that tree with so few people go from darkness to it’s famous multi-coloured glow was a bucket list moment I didn’t know to write down. If you’re ever in the city at that time of year, I can’t recommend it enough.

Once I’d had my fill, I decided to make the most of my early morning and find somewhere to watch the sunrise. I stopped by Starbucks and headed towards the park, where I found another group of like-minded people scattered across a large rock. I set up my camera to capture the scene and enjoyed the collective experience in my favourite place, while my family still slept.

As a middle-aged woman, it’s easy to lose yourself to the day-to-day routine of your commitments but allowing yourself to do something just for you can remind you of who you are, outside of everything else. I’ve seen so many posts recently saying, ‘your mother’s just a girl experiencing life for the first time too’ and while that message isn’t always well received, it’s true. Sometimes we put ourselves in boxes because life is easier to manage that way. I’m in a phase of parenting, marriage, working on this project, building this career. If we only have to worry about what’s in the box, we don’t have to think too far ahead or look beyond ourselves. I understand that more than most, I am easily overwhelmed and the box is comfortable but every now and then, take yourself out and do something different.

Last month we visited New York again and I told my husband I planned to go out and see the sunrise. He wasn’t happy, it didn’t feel safe. Maybe I should have considered him more, maybe it wasn’t fair to choose myself in that moment over his comfort but I did. I took a subway 70 blocks north and watched the sunrise over the reservoir, by the running track. It was exhilarating and walking back through the city, as it was waking up, as people were starting their days, I felt a sense of achievement. I’m not sure why, maybe because it would have been easy to stay in bed and say, ‘next time’ but I needed to show up for myself and say, ‘remember you’re a person living for the first time too’. The moments of madness are always my favourite and while this particular adventure may not be for you, there’s something that would light your fire in that same way, you just have to let yourself out of the box for long enough to find it.

It’s been a minute since I updated the 40by40 but I’m back and with a bit of a rant, apologies. I also decided to record these episodes as videos because I realised I’m more comfortable in front of a camera than a faceless mic.. so if you’d rather watch, that will be an option for these posts moving forward.

I have no idea whether this transcript is any good but I’m playing with the feature. Also, I had in my AirPods while I was recording I think they ended up being my mic which isn’t great - but hey, it’s all a learning curve

Hello friends welcome back. No intro music this week because I'm actually on my lunch break we didn't want that that wasn't the intra music I was looking for uh I'm actually on my lunch break from work and I thought it' probably a good time to give this voice memo thing on my new phone a whirl. So if you didn't know, if you've got an Apple, I feel like it's only the newer ones, but if you've got an apple iPhone that has the Apple intelligence on it, um now transcribes is the word I'm looking for. I'm just going to say translates. It now transcribes voice memos for you, whether it be ones that people have sent to you or the ones that you are sending to someone else. I thought I wonder if this works the same way if you are recording a voicem memo I use voice memo all the time from loads of stuff sometimes just reminding myself of things sometimes for things like recording the podcast on the go lots of stuff and now I'll get a full transcription at the end of this that I can post and uh use as the optional text version of this audio episode. I'm sure this is a thing that you can do elsewhere but I'm I'm just kind of playing with a new feature anyway hello welcome back. It is uh my four seat x 40 audio kind of almost weekly episode. There will be at least 40 episodes um and in this show in the series I am basically documenting myself trying to get through my list of 40 things that I decided I want to do before I turned 40. in February 2026, uh, which is time is going so quickly. I stole something the other day. I can't remember where it might have been on a podcast actually. I heard something the other day and someone said the reason that we get into gardening in middle age is that time goes so much quicker. So for an 18 year old, you plant something in the garden, the idea of not seeing that come to fruition for another six months is just mind boggling. Like why would I plant something now six months is in eternity? When you all pushing forty, you know six months is like a a blip. I get to this weird feeling and I know I'm not alone in this. I can't be. It's actually this weird feeling like I've been really looking forward to something at the moment it's my holiday. We're going on holiday about. He's about three weeks time, which is crazy but I've been really looking forward to it and then it gets to be a few weeks away and I start to get sad and I can't really explain it. We haven't even had the holiday yet. It's I should still be in the anticipation stage. I should still be really looking forward to it, but I'm almost like presub that it's over. Do you know what I mean? I don't know why and I it's crazy. I also remember the last time we went to Florida. I felt like two weeks was too long. We've never been in our two weeks right before and I felt like two weeks was was too many weeks so this time we've we've got 10 days. I don't know if I'll feel differently but I don't know I feel like I'm pretty sad. I feel like I've got the holiday blues before the holiday, which is crazy but I do think that part of that is the whole thing of time is going so quickly also the whole thing of time going so quickly going back to what I was actually saying is um I'll be 14 before I know it and so there was 40 things on my list need to start moving need to start getting done. I am very happy to announce that this week I did do one of the things on my list one of the things on my list was give blood so I did talk about this and Iugged this week but I was at my son's football match or it wasn't his football match. It was his football training where I just sit and I sit in my car and attempt to read my book because one of the things on my list is read a physical book this year. I have gone on to buy several more physical books. I haven't even finished the first one yet. I'm reading lightark. I couldn't tell you who wrote it. I don't have it in front of me currently driving, but the book is called lightark. I'm really enjoying it but I think I may be made a mistake in choosing fun to see. I should have gone. I definitely wanted to move away from Brom Gums. I used to exclusively exclusively like I really burned myself out on it read drumcoms and it's just become so predictable for me now that I can't even enjoy them so I kind of dicted my toe into fantasy in audiobook and I just couldn't really get into the idea of these books because the ones that are like real proper fantasy, the one that I listened to last year that I really did enjoy was called uh bewitches by come on, just like myself into work. The bellwitches by Lindsay Celt, who usually traditionally a rom-com all effect. She's also from the same time as being we've met and she's lovely. Anyway, the traditionally, she is a rom-com author and I was like this this is probably a good segue into a new genre and I would say that it was. I really enjoyed that. I did the voice out saying I didn't find it difficult to to get into that at all. However, I've tried to listen to things like a courtornoses and it's all just a little bit too I don't know. I don't know. I decided that the reason I couldn't get into it was the voice acting and it's all right that's enough car. I decided that the reason I was struggling with it was a fantasy book like that I had to hear it in my own voice and so that's why when I decided to read a physical book I went straight in with fantasy and I think that was a wrong turn. It's been a bit of a grind. I'm enjoying it, but I'm finding it hard to it's not a speed read for me and it's it's YA as well, which I won't say it's shameful because it's not what I did think it would be easier going when it has been. um anyway, so I'm listening I'm listening. I'm uh reading that and I've been taking my hour I have each week where I'm sitting outside my son's football training to read that book. uh I had already made an appointment to give blood because it was on my list. I'd registered and I made an appointment for like, I think it was for a few weeks time. And then I rocked up at this place. It's like a it's like a kind of working men's club with a field behind it. And the blood fan was there. So I thought well why would I not do this? So here we are. I have given blood. I've also already made an appointment to do it again in July. Apparently you can go every 16 weeks if you're a woman, every 12 weeks if you're a man, um I'm I'm not like a real hardcore pain person. I don't have like a really high tolerance for pain. uh and I have really bad veins. Apologies I should have given you a trigger warning people that don't like veins. My daughter and my son, my daughter more so a terrible. My mom is the worst. My mom has to make like a special appointment and she has to like lie down, go behind a thing. It's horrific. And then if I've ever taken my daughter for any kind of blood test, she once fainted four times four separate times as we were leaving, she fainted again, and they never even managed to do the blood draw. Some people have a really, really hard time with that and I totally get that, but with that in mind, because you've got the people who actually can't give blood for some reason, then you've got the people who can't give blood because they've got this real serious fear of it. I mean it doesn't even have to be like serious phobia level. It's just the idea of it. They can't even imagine. And there are so many people that I know in my immediate family that are like that. But I think those of us who do not have that fear should be doing it. So I just want to tell you it was not painful. I rocked up, not prepared at all. I haven't eaten or drunk anywhere near as much as I should have next time when I've got my appointment, I will be a lot more hydrated and I will have had a full meal just before hunt because I was a little bit nervous of that when I'm when I'm literally laying in the bed, someone behind me fainted while they were leaving and I was like no, that that particular day we had planned after football training I was taking Milo to see the Minecraft moving. I thought, I got to get in the car. Pretty sharpish after this and drive us to the cinema and I was getting a little bit nervous after the fact I might be woozy. Thankfully I wasn't at all. They do give you like a drink and a snack and stuff before you leave, but I was actually completely fine, even though I was not hydrated that day um but if you want to do this, I would say get yourself registered, look at places near you that you can go. It took a total of eight minutes half of it is like pre-screening but once you've been screened, that will be a much quicker process in the future. So like that a lot of that stuff that we did was like it's because it was the first time I'd given blood since being a registered donor. In the past, I've only ever done it like I hot when there's been a van somewhere like there used to be a van that came to work and I used to always give, but you know, that's just not a thing anymore. And so what actually triggered this, although it was already on my list at the beginning of the year, it actually triggered me to do this was my friend's dad died recently and he was able to be um an was an O an organ donor and after that she learned a lot about organ donation and how it's actually almost impossible. Like you pretty much have to be on live support to donate your organs so many people aren't able to donate their organs because their body isn't in a fit state to do that at the time that they die. um And so she was looking at like how needed this was and how rare it was and we got into the conversation about blood and I started looking up stuff to do with blood donations. At this point I hadn't registered and made my appointment and they are so in need that I'm just kind of putting it out there. It's very, very difficult to share something like this because it's not a it literally a lay on a bad in like a a hall while my son did football training. The entire time that I was there was he was just out there. It was just completely dead time. It's completely wasted time. If I'd prepared more out of taking my book with me, it was not painful at all. They did have to get one of the heavy hitters. They did have to get, you know, one of the women that had been there for a really long time to come and find my vein. She told me my left is better. It was a whole thing. But the first person that saw me was like, I'm not going to be able to do this. So bear that your mind. I don't have good veins and I did not find this painful. It was like ever so slightly uncomfortable when they put a needle in from there, not I didn't feel the thing. And eight minutes was how long I was actually giving blood. It's no time. It's no time at all. I was also really, really impressed by how many people were in that room. But yeah, it's really hard to to share a story of something that you did the in theory is altruistic without it coming across as that you signaling like, oh, I did this amazing thing. Check me out. But we need more people to talk about it and to make it known how easy it is and how needed it is so that more people will go and do it. If nobody like if you're like me and you're like oh yeah, I've always thought about, but I just never got around to it. And then all of a sudden three of your friends do it and say, oh, come with us like this is so easy then you'll go and do it. It's not a big deal. It's not a big deal at all, but it's something that could save someone's life so just putting it out there that was my thing that was my tick on my list so I feel better about ticking it off my list than I do about actually giving blood. This is not like a check me out how great I am so much as we need to talk more about it because if you are able to give, I am of the opinion that you should because so many people for whatever reason are not able um yeah, and apparently I was talking about the other day and someone told me that you find out where the blood went, which is that's fun. That's fun. And you get a little iron test while you're there. It's all good stuff. um so yeah, I got that done. What else did I do this week? I was so maxed out. I I know I spoke about this last week feeling like I was stretching myself too thin, but this week, particularly, I felt so rough. Oh my God, I' Tuesday. Tuesday is usually the day that we take myoain on Tuesday. They had a football game that ended up being rescheduled. Now, this team, this team only plays for a brand new team, most of them have played football before. This is their first season. We're coming to the end of the season on the players, their parents, everyone turns up with all of their matches and we all know they aren't going to win. They are not a winning team. They are just learning how to be a team together and so no one is devastated when they lose each week. We're just kind of like all just there. um so we went on a random Tuesday afternoon slash evening. The kids had been at school all day. We'd all been at work all day and it was a bit of a like, oh, this is going to be terrible. Like why why would we do this? Every other game we have seen as swear the weather has been really terrible like just poor Sunday mornings, even in May it is it's not May yet it's April, even in April, it is absolutely freezing and just miserable. Nobody wants to be. nobody wants to be there on a Sunday morning watching your kids just get absolutely decimated at football in the freezing cold but we do it and we all thought this was all going to be a terrible thing. We're going to an away game which was like an hour away at the end of a Tuesday these kids I don't know where it came from, but they beat the other team. This is I think their first win of the season. Definitely the first win that I've been it and I don't think I've missed it much. That first win. It was absolutely incredible. I was saying to my husband on the way home because we're not football fans at all. We don't watch football outside of this even he doesn't. I am starting to understand like I feel at this point so invested in this team, obviously my child plays for this team, but I feel so invested in the team in spite of the fact that they are constantly losing. But when they finally won, it was an incredible feeling. Now, that day I had felt rough all day and it's now Friday. No, it's not it's Thursday. I'm so confused because it's the bunk holiday so my my my week is truncated and I think that's part of the reason that I felt so stretched this week because I'm losing a day, although I'm gaining a day, I'm losing a day both in my actual day job and in my other staff. For all intents and purposes, yeah, you get Friday off, but when everyone's home, I don't get stuff done and we end up making plans and going out and I basically losing a day excuse me, but where were we even going with this? Oh, I felt terrible. I think, honestly, it's because I had my coil removed a couple of weeks ago and I've been like waiting for like the the bomb. I've been waiting for the like, ah, the first period. And I've been so many years since I've had a period. I've been on some method of contraception that reduces or completely removed my period from my life for 20 years off and on. And um oh my husbands just messaged me something about paint. Okay. must remember talk to him about paint after this. um what was I even saying what was I even saying this is the problem I'm literally just talking to you in my car outside work absolutely no guidelines and so getting back on track is going to be hard. Oh yeah so I've been waiting to to get off those periods and be like oh, it's going to be terrible. I haven't had to deal with this for so long. What am I going to do? And I think that the nausea and the headaches that I've had for the past three days are that I think it's part of the cycle. I asked on Instagram, like tell me what your weirdest symptoms are so that I can be prepared because I feel like morning sickness level nausea. I just feel terrible. I've been like going to bed early, which is unheard of for me. I literally just went out to Ara lunchtime because I didn't know why I wanted to eat. I ended up with a crap, like a massive share bag of pun cockil crisps um some hobnobs, just regular hobnobs, not chocolate ones, just regular hobnobs are the best, and mybrofen. Oh, and an ended drink. I just wasn't like I don't even know what I want to eat. And this is what I ended up with. I'll probably live to regret this. I'd like to eat something proper, but you know, I'm at work. I can't cook for myself. Anyway, all that is to say. I feel like garbage. So if anyone has any suggestions as to like things that I need to be aware of for these are things. So I don't think I'm ill and I just know listen, this is just part of my life now. Then please let me know. But while we were at football, like I thought it was going to throw up when I got there, a little car ride and I'm not good. Going to a seaside tomorrow to see Lee's dad and I'm not looking forward to it to all the because any kind of windy road driving and I could throw up. I'm so easily travelsick. I do have some I've got some quell. I've got some Averen. I've got a few different travelsick with pills. I' that I'm going to take with me but still. But while we were watching them play football, it all dissipated. It was such a fantastic distraction. I felt amazing. I was shouting. I was like, oh my God, this is amazing. I got videos of the kids hugging the coaches and stuff. Oh, it was just like everyone needed this so much their morale has been so low. It's it was just an incredible, incredible feeling and then the minute I got back in the car, I felt sick again. But isn't that funny? Like sometimes you do need to distract yourself, uh, but it was a very welcome distraction and a very welcome win. It was amazing. It was amazing. Truly and starting to understand sports. I was starting to understand the appeal of sports in general. Another thing that I did this week, which was I suppose it's kind of relevant to turning 40 because so many people think you should grow out of this as you get older. I pre-ordered the Nintendo switched to. I didn't think I was going to do this. I thought I was not bothered. I I got the steam deck for Christmas, which is basically a handheld gaming PC. and it's incredible. It is if someone said to me I'm thinking about getting a console, what should I get? I would say that. Like if you're only going to get one thing because so many games, I know it's going to be like exclusive to certain platforms, but for the most part apart from Nintendo, so many games are available on steam and they're always cheaper or onher or whatever rather than on other devices, on other console. They're always going to be cheaper on steam. You can duck it. You can play it on the TV. You can also play at onld which is amazing. um and it plays games you would never imagine. You can play the Sims on it handheld hand held. There's a game called Inzo that I'm playing at the moment, which is kind of like the Sims. It's it's missing something. It's missing like it's it's kind of the Sims, but like with incredible graphics on paper, but it's missing the the real heart of it all. um the like fullness of the lives of the of the zoos. But that came you can play on hand held and I just can't believe I've lived to see it honestly. I can't. But I was listening to some stuff the other day um and initially I felt good about my decision to not buy the switch to. I was like, I got the steam deck. What can the switch to possibly bring me and then this person started talking about Zelda and then they started talking about like the potential of new animal crossings and different cozy games and they just thought no I have to get it. I have to get ited because I'm going to regret it otherwise. There's a whole thing with tariffs in America of whether or not it's going to be available and what the price will be. But since that's not affecting us, um right now anyway, I thought I'm going to get it pre-ordered and so I did and it might be something that I choose to discuss more in future episodes or maybe like write something about it because it's such a huge part of my hobby life is gaming always has been I've loved to escape into a video game and it's also something that I lean on when I'm trying to save money um which is not always great because video games cost money but if I'm on my fail if I'm on social media and I'm scrolling it's very very likely that I'm going to see something that makes me want to spend money. It just is. I'm probably going to see something that like triggers, ooh, I love that top that she's wearing or I love that whatever. And then I'm quickly going down the rabbit hole of how much is that. And although I'm not doing the spending at the moment, I'm being really good about saving and being careful, which by the way, I did do I did post a couple of videos this week. One of them was a decotter. I have been in an OG realm of YouTube recently. I've been posting twice weekly on my Miss Budget Beauty Channel. I've been posting every single day. Oh my gaming channel. Well, I've just I've been feeling a real like love for it again, which is really fun. Um, but yeah, back to veans. I find that I can kind of sit in front of the TV at night we're watching whatever we're watching and I'm playing a game. I'm not it that I'm just in that world. I'm just living in that world of that game and I'm not at all considering what I want to be buying or I'm not I'm not thinking about anything that's outside in the real world. I'm just thinking about the tasks and the goals within that game. And so it's really good to keep me off social media, but it's also great as a bit of escapism. And I don't think there is an age where you need to stop doing that. I don't think that there is any age where that's inappropriate or you should feel like you're too old to do this anymore. I don't I feel like that about all hobbies really. I mean, adult coloring books came back in such a huge way. I have friends that will use adult coloring books, but would still kind of, you know, not in a mean way, but kind of turn up their nose at video games as a child's plaything and I don't know. I just I just never felt that way. I've never felt like a there's going to come a time where I feel like I'm too old to do this. I really can't recommend it enough as a hobby, especially in in today's world where escapeism feels more needed than ever. But yeah, I have literally there's I just absolutely no guidance this week. So apologies. I'm here there everywhere. That is who I am as a person so I suppose I shouldn't apologize. This is just who I am. I'm going to go back to work now and eat my skips and my hobnobs. um and hope that I feel a little bit better because I feel like arbit right now and this is if this is truly something that it's going to, I'm going to feel like this every single month. I'm not, I'm not into it honestly. I would consider putting the coil back in no, not really, but I was talking to some people yesterday who said that their symptoms were about enough for them to go back on birth control. So maybe something to look forward to. Let me know let me know what else I have to look forward to. Check out giving blood. check out registering and where you can go and perhaps with that if if you are even a little bit interested and I will speak to you next week. Maybe with another thing off my list who knows?