Explorez tous les épisodes du podcast Dear Men: How to Rock Sex, Dating, and Relationships With Women

Ever feel like your body has stopped cooperating in the one place you most need it to? Or it's totally hit-or-miss -- in one man's words: "I never knew whether I was going to ejaculate at all. I had no control over it."

Erectile dysfunction (ED), premature ejaculation (PE), and/or delayed ejaculation (DE) can have a devastating impact on a man's sense of self-esteem, as well as on sexual satisfaction in relationships. And we don't talk about this enough. These issues come up in my sex research constantly, and are a daily reality for hundreds of millions of men globally. Yet even in men's work spaces like men's groups, performance anxiety and sexual health is like the last frontier -- it's just hard to talk about how your d*ck is functioning.

But we need to ... because men out there are suffering. For example, did you know that according to an article in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, 1 in 4 men seeking help for new-onset erectile dysfunction these days are 40 or younger? ED is not just an older man's game -- and it turns out that for some men (more than we might think), taking drugs like Viagra or Cialis doesn't even work.

But don't worry -- there's way more possible here than you've been led to believe.

Whether you can't get hard without porn first, you lose your erection halfway through, premature ejaculation robs you of enjoying the experience fully (as well as your partner), or delayed ejaculation prevents you from finishing at all, cock trouble is common. And for some, the fear of it happening again has you wondering what the point of dating or sex even is.

Here, pelvic floor educator Jana Danielson BRINGS THE HOPE. We get into why your erections may have more to do with how you breathe than with your penis, why Kegels might be making things worse, and the story of a 24-year-old athlete who was about to fill an ED prescription, but who Jana thankfully got her hands on. A month later, he was waking up with morning wood for the first time in years!

If you've been quietly white-knuckling your way through sex, or avoiding it altogether, this one's for you.

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A live launch event for my upcoming new course, The Man She Craves, this class will outline the #1 pattern I've seen after coaching men for over a decade. It's what I see separates the men who stay stuck in their love lives to transitioning into sexually and emotionally satisfying relationships.

The class will run from 10a-12p PT / 1p-3p ET on October 17. It's $55, but if you use code DEARMEN it'll drop to $33. To save your spot, email dearmenpodcast@gmail.com. If you're in the US, you can also text BACKSTAGE to 33777.

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• The Man She Craves (Melanie's new course; Jana is part of the Sexual Confidence upgrade)
• The Cooch Ball: www.coochball.com
• Jana on Instagram & TikTok: @jana.danielson

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Memorable quotes from this episode:

• "I'm not sure my marriage is going to survive."
• "When he did achieve an erection, it was really hard for him to maintain it."
• "Your body is not broken; it's just misunderstood."
• "'Within a month, I was waking up with morning wood!'"
• "Clarity creates confidence."
• "'Why would I give him a jail sentence of a wife?'"
• "We were searching for that elusive, fill-in-the-blank diagnosis."
• "Within 30 seconds I thought, 'Well, sh*t.'"
• "When I started talking about the pelvic floor, sh*t got weird."
• "'I wanted to match my ejaculation with her to make sure I was taking care of her needs.'"
• "He started being able to squat deeper."
• "I am having the best orgasms of my life, and I have no plan on stopping."

“I know I’m a good guy - I’m kind and compassionate and caring … so why don't girls want me??”

This was one of Scott's main concerns in middle and high school. It felt like it was happening for everyone around him, but not him.

Fast forward a few decades and now he's got overflow in his love life -- he's married and experiences affection, sex, closeness, and emotional availability on the daily. So what changed?

Here we talk about the excruciating phone call in 6th grade that kicked everything off; the confusion of having close women friends who say they want a nice guy but then don't seem to want the nice guy that's right in front of them; what it actually means to feel SEEN after feeling overlooked; and the intriguing question Scott finally asked himself on a walk through a park in Madrid.

You'll also hear about a client who looked great on paper, but who was stuck in first-date purgatory for years. A couple of months into the work, he said something he'd never said before: "She's actually chasing me!"

If you've ever felt stuck in a pattern of first dates that never become second dates, years of swiping with nothing to show for it, or a marriage where you reach for her and keep hearing, "No" -- this one's for you.

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The Man She Craves 101 is coming in October. Text BACKSTAGE to 33777 (U.S. only) to get on the list, or email dearmenpodcast@gmail.com if you're outside the U.S.

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• "I see what I have to offer in a relationship; I don't see what I have to offer that gets me into a relationship."
• "I think I honestly felt that just being friendly to a girl was showing her that I liked her."
• "Me! Me! I am emotionally available to you right now."
• "You went from alone in the desert to overflow."
• “If you get a few rejections early on, it starts the cycle down that path.”
• “I didn’t really learn to flirt until college, and even then ... it was iffy.”
• “My community helped me find myself more.”
• “I have to get it RIGHT; I have to choose the RIGHT person.”
• “I felt desired. I felt seen.”
• “I’ve gotta show women that I‘m a good man!”
• “How do I learn more about healthy masculinity?”
• “I started to get to direct statements of desire from women.”
• “It’s not like my appearance changed a lot.”
• “Once you get in that flow, it is WONDERFUL.”

Do you want women to feel deeply safe with you? Do you want your partner to feel not just satisfied physically and emotionally, but able to truly surrender with you -- let go of her inhibitions and experience IMMENSE PLEASURE on every level?

Then she needs to trust you.

Here we share our personal experiences of trust -- when a man has earned it and we've been able to really lean in ... and when we've been let down and felt the lack of trust.

The truth is that a woman must trust you at a deep level if she's to feel safe with you. Sadly, as things stand we still inhabit a world where a lot of women feel unsafe with many men.

So what does it take to be deeply trustable? Here, we each reveal what it takes for a man to be trusted by us on a personal level. We share intimate stories of times we interacted with an un-trustable man (and what made him un-trustable), as well as the times we felt deep trust, safety, and connection.

Want a woman to fully surrender to you? Listen on -- whether you're newly dating, long-married, or in any other kind of love relationship, you're sure to get something out of this vulnerable, raw discussion of love, safety, trust, intimacy, and sexuality.

Mentioned on this episode:

• The Man She Craves 101: My upcoming masterclass leading into my new course. Email me at dearmenpodcast at gmail dot com to register.

“Who’s taking up space in the relationship?”

“If I don’t have any boundaries, I’ll often attract someone who doesn’t honor boundaries.”

“Partners like this can be really smart.”

“Because you’re the closest to them, you get all the wild crazy.”

“I hear a new rule, I try to do that, and I still lose.”

“It’s pretty hard to do alone.”

“It really feels like, ‘There is no way out.’”

“It can be comfortable but not very alive.”

“Our guys don’t just want sex - they want closeness.”

“Why do you need that? Isn’t this enough?”

You've probably heard of penis rings. Maybe you've even tried one!? But there's a another tool almost nobody talks about — the men who've actually explored it say nothing else compares, and yet most guys never even consider it, because of one thing: shame.

Whether it's a marriage that's quietly gone sexless, an erection that isn't cooperating the way it used to, or just curiosity about what's actually out there beyond what you already know, midlife brings up a lot of questions men don't feel safe asking anyone — not their partner, not their doctor, not even their friends.

Karen Bigman gets it. A certified sex educator at 60, she's got 3 fun categories of sex toys she recommends for men. We get into things like: How does a penis pump actually work in real life with a partner — do you pause mid-makeout to grab it, or does it happen before you even get to the bedroom?

And we go somewhere most men never go: the prostate. What's it actually like? Why do the men who've explored it describe it like "watching in high def"? And how do you even start, solo or with a partner?

One stat that stuck with me: according to Mayo Clinic, erectile dysfunction can show up 3-5 years before any other symptoms of heart disease appear. Your body may be trying to tell you something before anything else does.

If you've ever been curious about exploring more but didn't know where to start — or didn't think it was "allowed" — this one's for you.

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

• Karen's site: TabooToTruth.com
• Please Her In Bed (Melanie's streaming course on how to talk about sex): www.pleaseherinbed.com
• MyHixel — penis rings, and a premature-ejaculation training system
• FirmTech — clip-on penis rings, including the Tech Ring (tracks nocturnal erections)
• O-Nut — stackable comfort/bumper rings
• MV Health (formerly Mystery Vibe) — vibrating prostate massagers
• Aneros — prostate massagers
• Maude (Shine) — lube I recommend

• "I think the sexiest thing a man can do is ask."
• "Your penis health is a barometer of your overall health."
• "It's like watching a show in high def."
• "The two hardest conversations in relationships are sex and money."
• "This is a guy that's actually, like, cares. This is a guy that wants to talk to me. He doesn't just want to get in my pants."
• "'I don't care if I ever have sex again.'"
• "60 is the new 60."

Edge City is one of the most exciting, fun, engaging, dynamic communities of which I'm a part -- and here I get to interview one of the founders! (This is very exciting for me.)

Edge City runs month-long "pop-up villages" — 500 to 1,000 people from tech, science, culture, and art, gathered in one small, walkable town, building things together. In Timour's words, "It's got the dynamism of a city, with the vibe of a village — that's kind of a design principle for us."

In my words: It's like summer camp meets a tech conference ... and it's also a hotbed of attraction. :)

But what happens when you meet someone in an environment where you absolutely will run into them again? What if you don't want to make her uncomfortable by asking her out? How do organizers think about this?

As Timour puts it, "We are in a weird time when it comes to dating.” But don't worry -- we discuss the anonymous "crush" feature that could change everything.

We also get into the dating dynamics at the village specifically, including my feeling of being surrounded by attractive men and yet noticeably under-approached. We cover the couple whose second date really was an entire month-long event, and the strange twist where Timour says this is actually the opposite of Burning Man's infamous "playa romance" phenomenon.

If you've ever wondered whether there's a real-world alternative to the apps — something that isn't just another platform — this one's worth your full attention.

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The next Edge City is in Goa, India from Oct 11–Nov 1. Plus there's a smaller, 30-person trip to Bhutan from Nov 11–19. Use code DEARMEN for 20% off Goa tickets. Details at edgecity.live.

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• Edge City: upcoming events in Goa, India (Oct 11–Nov 1) and Bhutan (Nov 11–19)
• Questions about Edge City? Email DearMenPodcast@gmail.com

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• "I felt like there were all these attractive men, and no one was approaching me."
• "We've even had a few kids conceived at or because of Edge."
• "I don't want to be the weird guy who's approaching... what if that makes them uncomfortable?"
• “It was about how alive I felt in that environment.”
• “It’s exponentially more meaningful than a one- or two-day conference.”
• “There is the serendipity of running into people that feels magical.”
• “We’re pushing ourselves forward both personally as well as society.”
•  “It’s the dynamism of a city with the vibe of a village.”
• “Why doesn’t your neighborhood feel communal?”
• “We needed from the beginning to have the architecture and DNA that would be welcoming to children.”
•  “We grow up and we’re taught to find The One.”
• “You need to go through the crucible of, ‘Is this the right person for me?’”

She's successful. She's put together. She seems like she doesn't need anyone. So why does dating still feel impossible for her — and why does she seem so hard to get close to?

The men we work with are almost always intensely curious about what life is like on the "other side." What do single women contend with? What are their biggest dating, sex, and relationship challenges? Here, Violet breaks down 3 top issues frequently faced by single women — the ones most men never clock, because women have gotten so good at hiding them.

We get into why the most "together," successful women are often the most terrified of being seen, and what that has to do with whether she actually notices you making eye contact across the room.

We dig into the hot-and-cold thing — why it happens, why it almost never has anything to do with you, and why the woman across from you at dinner may be carrying more than she's ever said out loud.

And we unpack the unconscious dating pattern nearly every long-single woman is repeating without knowing it — the one Violet says she couldn't see either, until someone lovingly pointed it out.

Plus: the bar story about the guy who approached a whole circle of women, and what has changed in Violet's own marriage after over a decade together.

If you've ever felt like you couldn't figure out how to "get in" with a woman who seems to have it all together — or you're partnered with a woman who runs hot and cold — this one could fundamentally change how you see her.

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• Love Harmonics (Violet's 6-week, $69 program on breaking unconscious dating patterns; open to all genders): [https://violetlange.com/loveharmonics/?affiliate_code=5b90a8]
• Episode 153: Her Sexual Healing: How to Support Her and Get Your Needs Met (ft. Violet Lange)

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• "The flower opens and the bee appears. Not, the bee comes by knocking on the door, and then the flower decides to open."
• "I want to be seen for all of who I am, and not just in my need."
• "It fucking works! It really works!"
• "I now have soul-shaking sex with my husband... and we've been together 11 years."
• "Your happily ever after starts with you — it's not up to fate, it's not up to some meet-cute. It's really an inside job."

Let's be real: Modern dating culture can suck. Between ghosting, confusion over when to have sex, the commodification of our love lives, and people throwing up old photos on Tinder, Feeld, or Bumble, it's not always clear how to make it work.

But Freya isn't playing by the rules anymore. Instead of sticking with the apps, which can leave both men and women feeling dejected, she's running a full-blown, 3-month public campaign to find a boyfriend ... and she's inviting her entire audience along for the ride.

What's equally as cool is that she's challenging herself on an essentially daily basis to approach men in the wild. We get all up into how this is going for her (how do you approach a guy at the grocery store? What if he's got headphones in? What if he's taken? How does she handle rejection?), and her strong and well-made points about how we could all "do" dating better.

We also dig into the wildest event she's said yes to (hint: 250 people were watching); what happened on her fourth lap around a park after 3 failed attempts to talk to a cute guy walking his dog; and why the little note cards she's been handing out to strangers might be the most old-school-meets-radical dating move going right now.

And a distinction we both come back to: the difference between dominating, being passive, and leading (and why "leading" is the one that actually works).

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• Please Her In Bed (Melanie's streaming course on how to talk about sex with women in a way that actually helps them to open up): www.pleaseherinbed.com
• Find Freya a Fella (Freya's crowdsourced-boyfriend campaign): freyagraf.com
• The Labia Lounge (Freya's podcast on sex and dating, for all genders)
• The Man Cave (the org where Freya facilitates workshops for teenage boys on healthy masculinity, emotional literacy, boundaries, and consent)

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• "This is not an empowering place to be that we find ourselves in."
• "The bar is very low. It's very close to the ground."
• "'No one's ever done that. Like, good on you.'"
• "I literally massage vaginas for a living."
• "That's basically a precursor to being in a relationship with a man who doesn't make effort."
• "97% of women did not mention anything about how hard a man got, or how long he lasted. And 0% mentioned him having a six-pack."
• "I want love, I love love, I'm not ashamed to admit it."
• "Don't be afraid to write a note -- it's adorable."

"Is your dick going to be synced to porn?"

That's not hypothetical — it's already on the market. Here, intimacy expert Susan Bratton walks me through "weird" phenomena at the frontier of sex tech and AI, including synchronized strokers, tele-dildonics (I'll bet that's a word you've never come across before), role-player game (RPG) worlds where you can get down and dirty with an Aztec warrior woman, and adaptive AI that learns what gets you off and gives you more of it.

But where does this genuinely help? And where can it quietly wreck your dopamine system and/or real-world relationships? We delve into all of it, including the exact device suite that Susan and her boyfriend use for long-distance sex. Imagine being thousands of miles apart, still having synchronized orgasms on video. (I did not expect the "hard-boiled egg" comparison, but you'll get it once you hear it.)

Plus:

• How a woman can regnerate her vaginal tissue (YES, this helps if she's dry after/during perimenopause/menopause)
• The 96% statistic about what most porn is actually showing you
• The ancient technique that separates orgasm from ejaculation
• Why penis pumps are not the cheesy novelty you think they are

And a fundamental truth that Susan and I agree on: The best sex tech in the world means nothing without the communication skills underneath it. Plus what I consider the quote of the episode: "I want to live forever and fuck till I die!"

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As of this recording, we have 4 spots left for our Labor Day weekend retreat! Sept 3-7th in Northern California (about 2 hrs north of SF). We work hard to keep it financially accessible, and payment plans are available.

As one man says, "If you're thinking about going, you're already there."

https://evolutionary.men/retreat/

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• Please Her In Bed (Melanie's streaming course on how to talk about sex with women in a way that actually helps them to open up): www.pleaseherinbed.com
• Drive Desire (Susan's full toy/device library): www.drivedesire.com

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• "No one's ever given her these types of strokes before."
• "They don't want you addicted to the yoni. They want you addicted to the screens."
• "Your dick is a tongue, not a piston."
• "You don't owe me an ejaculation."
• "How's your hoo-ha doing?"
• "When you are a turned-on woman or a turned-on man, you're turned on to life."
• "Your sexual vitality and your vitality are two sides of the same coin."

“I was nervous as hell.”

So shares one of the men in this episode about how he felt stepping onto the land of our in-person retreat. In another's words, “I went into a panic because I’m having flashbacks of summer camp.”

What's it really like to do live men's work?

The truth is, most men that come to live retreats are intimidated in one way or another. Rates of bullying are astronomically high, and you don't always know what to expect. As another put it, “There’s a shared understanding of the brutality between men.” And, “When I was a boy, there was never any spiritual or deep, emotional holding by men in my life.”

But you can write -- and experience -- a different story. You can have a new experience of brotherhood ... and what that makes possible may be something you've never even considered.

In one man's words, “The dynamic within my whole family has changed.” Another said, “There’s now a level of connection now with my wife that I can’t even describe.”

If you'e ever felt like you didn't fit in as a kid, or you're just plain curious about how our retreat has impacted other men, listen on. There can be kind and loving experiences of masculine love.

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As of this recording, we have 4 spots left! It's over Labor Day weekend, Sept 3-7th in Northern California (about 2 hours north of SF). We work hard to keep it financially accessible, and payment plans are available.

Or as one man said, “If you’re thinking about going, you’re already there.”

https://evolutionary.men/retreat/

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Want to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.

To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• "I wanted to be vulnerable and open, but I didn’t know how, and I wasn’t sure I could.”
• “I was deathly afraid to become a terrible father.”
• “I cried tears of joy for the first time in my life.”
• “I realized — through all the work I’ve been doing, therapy, self-reflection, etc. — how much love I have for myself (finally).”
• “If we’re gonna talk about this trauma, we might as well do it in the hot tub!”
• “There was racism even within my own church.”
• “I can accept other men’s unconditional love, and it helped me know how to provide unconditional love to other men.”
• “I came into the first retreat a very tough nut to crack.”
• “There is hope with change.”
• “You’ll make friends.”
• “Come for the food; stay for the healing.”
• “You WILL experience a transformation.”
• “Just get there.”

Have you ever felt like your woman was routinely frustrated, resentful, or annoyed with you? Like you can't get anything right, and then on top of that, when it comes to sex or physical intimacy, FORGET about it. Not happening.

If so, you may be contending with reverse polarity. This can happen in either direction, but we find that with our clients, it's illuminating to explore the flavor when a man is more in omega (his feminine) and a woman more in her alpha (her masculine).

Here, we delve into the different stages of relationship as they relate to polarity (original concept by author and thought leader David Deida.) We also get into what to DO about reverse polarity. How do you re-polarize a relationship if you haven't been very polarized lately?

The focus, as always, is how we can grow into sexier, more fulfilling relationships on both sides.

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We've still got 7 spots left as of this episode dropping! Sept 3-7th, NorCal. www.evolutionary.men/retreat

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast? Our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, is where it all happens. You can join anytime -- book a call at www.evolutionary.men/apply.

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• No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover

Ever feel like you're doing everything "right" — showing up, being kind, respecting her — but only getting crumbs?

First dates that never turn into second dates. A marriage where you've quietly become roommates; no matter what you do, there's no sex, and there's not even very much affection. That feeling of putting in a ton of effort and still spinning your wheels.

If any of that lands, you're likely living out some version of Nice Guy Syndrome.

Outgrowing being a Nice Guy doesn't mean becoming a jerk. It does mean that you learn some skills or make some shifts you've maybe never even thought of before.

Here, Jason and I break down the 3 specific things that support men in graduating from being a Nice Guy — the ones that take them from stuck to, "Wait, this actually works now?"

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Join us live in Boonville, CA (near Napa) in early September. As of this episode dropping, we've got 8 spots left. www.evolutionary.men/retreat

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Ready to go deeper? Our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, is where men transform. Book a call at www.evolutionary.men/apply.

—

• No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover

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• "I'm trying really fucking hard and I'm not winning anywhere in it."
• "No woman can trust your yes if you do not have the capacity to say no."
• "You can't get better at community without being in community."
• "If shame is getting in the way of that, she doesn't have a chance to shine."

How much does a woman's sexual satisfaction depend on the size, shape, or other physical details of your cock?

According to research out of the UK, this question is on the hearts of a lot of men. To quote this study: "Men showed significant dissatisfaction with penile size, despite perceiving themselves to be of average size."

In other words, it's common, if you're a man, to wonder (or worry) about whether size matters.

Now here's the real question: Do women that sleep with men track this, and if so, how much?

The truth is that there's as much diversity in the world of penises as there is in the world of human beings. And as women who have sex with men, we've seen a whole bunch! Here, we get real about sex, relationships, hookups, play, and cock size.

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We've got a few spots left at our live, in-person retreat, September 3rd–7th — five days of embodiment, brotherhood, and doing the work that will actually move the needle. Get in here: https://evolutionary.men/retreat

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• Please Her In Bed, my streaming course: www.pleaseherinbed.com

Do you want to establish a new, healthier habit, but so far you just ... haven't? For example: eat more veggies; exercise; have a meditation practice; be bolder with women/your woman; or a big one: cease watching porn.

According to a meta-analysis on this exact questions, intentions only account for ~30% of whether someone actually changes behavior — meaning you can be fully committed and clear on what you want to do, and that commitment still barely predicts whether you’ll do it.

The good news? Change is possible; it just doesn’t happen the way you think it does.

We get into the real gap — between knowing and embodying — and cover why some of the smartest, most self-aware men we work with can describe their patterns with PhD-level precision, but still be stuck in the exact same loop years later.

We also talk about the guy who showed up to the work feeling stuck and hopeless ... and who's now having the most fulfilling sex of his life with the healthiest partner with whom he has ever been.

Fair warning: this one might make you rethink how you've been trying to change -- and you might start taking the actions that'll ACTUALLY get you what you want.

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We've got a few spots left at our live, in-person retreat, September 3rd–7th — five days of embodiment, brotherhood, and doing the work that will actually move the needle. Get in here: https://evolutionary.men/retreat

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• "You don't know how deep the pond is till you get in there."
• "It's the difference between information and transformation."
• "Healing your relationship with other men sets you up for success with women."
• "Courage is not, 'I know everything's gonna be fine.' Courage is, 'I'm scared and I'm doing it anyway.'"
• "There is no replacement for the group."
• "The payoff is so grand — but you gotta take some risks, you gotta do the damn thing."
• "That guy's got fucking balls and fire ... and he feels so safe to be around."
• "Shame is healed in community."

When it comes to sex, dating, and relationships, what is AI good for? And where can it potentially cause damage?

Here, Jason and I go point-for-point — one way AI can support your love life, one way it can harm it — and get into the nuances most people aren't talking about.

We cover what AI is actually good for: crafting the message you can feel but can't quite say; getting unstuck when you're in your head at midnight; brainstorming date ideas that generate real dopamine for the couple; handling the "shit work" of logistics so you can show up more present.

We share the real story of one client whose fight with his wife got a little unstuck through an unexpected AI assist — and the "family assistant" moment that changed everything for a friend struggling to ask for help.

We also delve into in which ways AI can be like emotional porn; what MIT research shows about how heavy AI use impacts mental health and relationships; and why people literally grieved when OpenAI turned down the sycophancy dial.

The deepest cut? AI has no needs. It will never trigger you, never require repair, never push back. And if you spend enough time in that dynamic... you might start to forget that friction is what actually creates intimacy. But real negotiation between two different humans — that's not the obstacle to love. That IS love.

If you're curious about AI and want to use it wisely — without letting it quietly erode the very capacities that make you magnetic — this one's for you.

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• "There's a risk she's gonna figure it out."
• "What's our agreement or understanding about AI in our relationship?"
• "You've got to make sure you're working it, and it's not working you."
• "AI can give us the fake sugar version of relationship."
• "It doesn't have any needs. It doesn't have any triggers. There's no need to negotiate."
• "The friction of relationship is what we learn to work — and it's what makes it meaningful."
• "Get really good at friction. If you can be the one in the room who can hang in conflict — that is only going to become more valuable."
• "It can be part of your team. It can't be your whole team."
• "Safety and trust is built in person with human beings — and most of what we're gauging is how they are being with us, not what they are saying."

"Is this in my head, or is this real?"

Millions of women ask themselves this question -- about their sleep, their mood, their body suddenly working differently than it used to. They can't tell if they can't sleep as well as they used to because they've got two young children ... or whether it's perimenopause.

If you want to be an awesome partner (either now or in the future), listen on! This is the hormonal literacy class you never got that could help with everything.

Here I sit down with Morgan Miller, midwife and co-author of The Cycle Book (with her best friend, sex therapist Laura Federico), to decode what's actually happening in a woman's body as she's in different phases.

We go deep on perimenopause: sleep disruption, night sweats, heart palpitations, ER scares no one warns you about; the anxiety and PMDD that can be a hormonal sensitivity, not an imbalance. There's also the easy, often-missed fix for vaginal dryness, recurrent UTIs, and painful sex (a targeted topical instead of antibiotics).

We also cover why a single blood draw is just "her estrogen at 2pm on a Tuesday" — and why tracking biomarkers (which is actually pretty simple) over a few cycles tells you a LOT more.

Plus a stat that floored me: period-tracking apps are only ~20% accurate at predicting ovulation — wrong roughly 80% of the time.

If your woman has ever been told "everything's fine" while her body said otherwise, and you've felt helpless watching it — this one's for you.

—

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

• The Love Field: Hot Love Summer → www.violetlange.com/thelovefield
• The Cycle Book: An Interactive Step-by-Step Guide to Tracking Hormones and Knowing Your Body by Laura Federico, LCSW & Morgan Miller, CPM, LM
• Work with Morgan & Laura (virtual; they also train providers): www.itslauraandmorgan.com

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• "I feel loved when the men in my life know things about a woman's body."
• "Men have a 24-hour cycle, too."
• "Vaginas are so smart — they're self-cleaning systems."
• "Don't get pigeonholed into the algorithms; you're not every human."
• "It's like learning a new language. Once you learn it, you can't unlearn it."
• "Is this my body adjusting? Is this my body asking for support? Or should I be getting a divorce?"
• "There's no amount of hormones you can pump your body full of that's going to make your libido crank up if you're not into it."
• "We are patient zero. We are figuring this out for ourselves."

A 2022 dating survey showed that a whopping 69% of American men say that fear of being labeled "creepy" impacts how they interact with women. And 44% said it diminishes how much they interact with women at all, romantically or otherwise.

In other words, the fear of being creepy can hold you back from all connection with women, not just in the realm of dating/relationships.

But let's talk about sex and dating for a moment. The cruel irony is that this kind of fear usually means you've got a good heart — but left unchecked, it can make you shrink, go invisible, and tuck your sexuality away entirely ... which kills polarity.

Here, Jason and I count down the top 3 ways to make sure you're NOT coming off as creepy. We get practical as well as emotional. I share the "library story" I still think about; Jason gets honest about the years he spent frozen and numb — and we get into why whoever is breathing more deeply in the room ... is holding alpha.

We also share the simple thing you can say out loud that turns an awkward, high-stakes context with a woman into one where she actually feels safe enough to say yes — including the exact line that helped one man ask out a longtime friend and land in the healthiest relationship either of them had ever had.

plus a breakthrough that took one client from scared-and-small to making out outside a restaurant with a woman he thought was "out of his league" — plus the married man who finally said six words to his wife he'd never dared say in their whole marriage, and how she responded.

Whether you've frozen, over-corrected, or held your fire because you were terrified of being "that guy" — single or married — this one's for you. You can move beyond creepy and reclaim this part of yourself ... and everyone benefits when you do.

—

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• "'Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.'"
• "There's an inverse relationship between safety and creepy."
• "Head evokes head, heart evokes heart, body evokes body."
• "And she said, 'It's not that I don't want that — it's not like this, right now.'"
• "The problem isn't always the context — it's whether you set a container and can speak to it."
• "There's nothing wrong with our sexuality. It's what we do with it."
• "Whether you say yes or no, I'm going to be okay."
• "'I find it really hot when you wear a short skirt and boots!'"
• "Shame is healed in community."

Who doesn't have trust issues? Let's be real.

Whether it shows up as "I don't trust her to handle my anger," or "I'm afraid I'll just be treated like an ATM" or, "I can't relax until I know the person really, really well," — almost all of carry some version of trust concerns into our dating and relationships.

Here, my dear friend and co-facilitator Violet Lange and I do something we don't often get to: We put our worlds side by side. I work primarily with men who are attracted to women; she works primarily with women who are attractd to men.

Here we map out the top 3 trust issues we see in our clients -- in other words, how trust issues show up differently across men and women that are attracted to the opposite sex. And, encouragingly, we outline how the path to healing them is remarkably similar.

We also get practical about the 3 things required to actually rebuild trust — and none of them is blind trust. As Violet puts it, the goal isn't to trust everyone; it's to trust trustable people, and to feel good about staying closed when you need to.

If you want the relationship but dread the dating part; if you're tired of being on dating apps; if you keep wondering "why do I keep ending up here?" — this one's for you. Trust can be repaired. People come, they grow, they flourish.

—

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

• The Love Field: Hot Love Summer — Violet's and my new 3-month program (constellations, embodiment, polarity, and the brave conversations we were never taught to have,). Starts June 18th; early bird ends Monday, June 8th. Enroll at www.violetlange.com/thelovefield
• Documentary: The Mask You Live In — on how our culture socializes boys and men; this is a great way to open dialogue if you have a young man in your life
• DM 114: Bullying, resilience, and relationships — on reclaiming a healthy relationship to the masculine after being bullied as a kid, teen, or adult

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• "I'm so sick of being on the apps."
• "I feel like I can't have sex with someone until I know them really, really, really well."
• "We feel unsafe to be in our bodies."
• "Wow, that was really healing to experience something different."
• "The concern is: In my most vulnerable moments, I will be left."
• "Women fear, 'I won't be chosen.'"
• "I've been loyal to myself throughout."
• "I'm not afraid to start over."
• "A lot of it is about recognizing the patterns that we've inherited."
• "Now I feel a little more relaxed in my body, so that I can be open to men that are safe for me."
• "I want the relationships but I don't really want to go through the dating part."

You love your partner. You're committed. But the sex has slowed to a trickle — once a month, once every six months, maybe not in years — and you're starting to wonder: "Is this just what long-term partnership is?"

No -- it doesn't have to be. Unfortunately, if this is happening and you're feeling lonely in your marriage, you're not alone. And it can be hard to know what to do; millions of men feel ill-equipped to address the issue because either a) whenever they do, it becomes a fight; or b) they're scared of coming off as demanding or a jerk.

Here, Jason and I count down the 5 root causes we see most often behind sexless relationships, ranked from least to most common, drawing on our work with hundreds of men.

We cover how much changes when you have kids (including the partner that just can't relax when the kids are in the house); resentment and quiet breaches of trust; mental load; what kind of sex actually feels good for women; and how to engage on the topic skillfully. As Jason says: “Neither men nor women do well when sex is connected to pressure.”

We also share story after story of men whose "spines got straighter," who stopped using sex to discharge stress, and whose wives initiated for the first time in a decade!

If you've been the higher-desire partner wondering, "Is this just how it is now?" -- this one's for you. It can come back online, and when it does, it's often even more glorious than ever.

—

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

—

• The Love Field -- our new co-gendered course www.violetlange.com/thelovefield
• DM 222: Are you using your woman for sex?
• DM 103: Reverse polarity can kill your sex life as a couple -- unless you do this
• My streaming course Please Her In Bed — which includes how a man can lead sexual communication (www.pleaseherinbed.com)
• DM 172: Revealing my sex research, one stat at a time (ft. Robbie Kramer)
• DM 1: Pain in Pleasure, Pleasure in Pain -- episode with my friend Z, who took a Tantra course and went on her own journey of sexual healing within her marriage

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• “Instead of being on the same team, suddenly we’re against each other.”
• “This is the challenge most couples aren’t prepared for.”
• "'I enjoyed that he enjoyed it.' ... That's not the same thing as, 'I enjoyed it.'"
• “How do we actually create desire in the relationship? That's polarity.”
• "If there are unresolved tensions between the two of you, there's no room for erotic tension."
• "'My wife initiated with me for the first time in, I swear to God, a decade.'"
• “After retreat these guys are CHARGED UP with masculine energy.”
• “Spending deep, quality time with other men is a big part of this.”
• “‘I want you to take me!’”
• "It can change."
• "Good sex is like lubricant for the relationship itself."

Ever been told you're a "great guy!" but she's "just not feeling it"? Or felt like you're endlessly chasing women but never being pursued yourself?

Here, we dig into what's actually happening when women consistently report not feeling attracted to you -- and what you can do about it.

The truth is, attraction only has a little to do with what you look like physically. For example, one client came into our program good-looking by every conventional standard: broad shoulders, nice body, the whole thing.

But he wasn't having success with women. He was frustrated and stuck. He felt like if he kept going in the same vein, he'd never get the partnership he craved. In this episode we reveal how he got to a breakthrough; after 8-10 weeks of doing what we talk about ... he was being chased for the first time in his life.

Plus, Jason shares a personal story — a date that fizzled, a year of doing the men's work, and then reconnecting with the same woman and completely changing the dynamic -- including having sexy time! Not because he looked different. Because he showed up differently.

Spoiler: "A man's looks account for 20% of attraction. The consciousness that animates a man is 80% of it." And the good news — that 80% is workable.

—

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• "If I'm in the friend zone with a woman, can I change it?"
• "I would freeze when it would be time to bring attraction forward."
• "We know pretty fast whether we're interested in someone."
• "There are a lot of guys that know they were attracted to a woman they're friends with from the moment they met."
• "Rejection wears you down."
• "I don't want to make her uncomfortable, so I'm going to hold that back."
• "We ended up changing it to a sexual relationship."
• "By being direct, you're leading."
• "I can't always tell whether I'm attracted to a man until he comes towards me."
• "You're just the same man with a nicer car."
• "I'd never had a woman chase me before."

You know the feeling. You've been holding a vision — for the partner, the family, the sex life you actually want — for months. Maybe years. Maybe decades. And it's still not here.

And underneath the longing, there's a quieter, scarier question: Is there something wrong with me that it hasn't happened yet?

Here, my dear friend and co-facilitator Violet Lang and I have an honest conversation about what it actually takes to hold a long-term vision without collapsing or giving up. We speak vulnerably from experiences in our own lives, as well as the lives of hundreds of clients with whom we've worked.

Violet walks us through her fertility journey (including two devastating miscarriages, failed IVF, and ultimately the path of donor embryo) — which she never would have chosen without being brought to her knees first. She also shares her journey from dissociating during sex and fearing that maybe she was broken — to a genuinely thriving sex life.

I share my own stretch — over a year of unstable housing while trying to co-found a group house, watching teams fall apart, deals fall through, and feeling a good amount of despair. And my 10-year vision of a conscious romantic partner that's still unfolding.

We dig into what actually moves the needle; why the closer you get, the harder it sometimes feels; what Violet calls "initiation" — and why you cannot do this alone.

Plus, a client story: a woman who, 8 years post-divorce, went on barely 2-3 dates and completely shut down after a shady situation. And then, within a few months of doing the work, met her partner at a coffee shop when he held the door open for her. They've been together since 2017.

And a note for the men listening: conscious men who do personal growth work stand out! There are fewer of you than you think, and it matters.

If you've been working toward something for a long time and the question keeps arising — is this ever gonna happen for me? — this one's for you.

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• Violet's summer group program, with which I'm involved: The Love Field: Hot Love Summer — 12 weeks of shadow work (constellations), polarity practice, embodiment, and live dares. Open to men, women, non-binary folks, singles and couples. Starting June. Enrollment open now at www.violetlange.com/thelovefield
• DM 265: What if she's got a sexual trauma background? How do you help? -- Violet covers the jade egg and other modalities that can help a woman overcome sexual trauma and go from not wanting sex to feeling back in her sexy, radiant power (whether she's partnered or not)

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• "I had never masturbated until I was 27."
• “I had to decide whether I was going to lean in and keep going, or give up.”
• “When I was trying to find my beloved, I was with someone who looked great on paper, but who wasn’t right.”
• "Your past doesn't have to dictate your future — but you have to call yourself in."
• "The longings on our hearts are sacred."
• "Love is an art, and it's meant to be practiced."
• “I had to give myself permission to have crazy-ass fantasies!”
• “When I invest in what I want, big shifts happen.”
• “There’s something that is calling me forward.”

She used to want it. Now she doesn't. And you're not sure if it's you, the kids, the stress — or something that's quietly shifted inside her.

A lot of the time, it's her hormones. Specifically, perimenopause or menopause.

Here's what most people don't know: perimenopause doesn't start at 45 years old. Dr. Debra Durst — an MD who left traditional medicine to specialize in hormone optimization and sexual wellness — is seeing it in women in their 30s, and sometimes even their 20s.

And the first hormones to drop aren't estrogen -- they're progesterone and testosterone. Which means your partner may be dealing with sleep disruption, anxiety, a shorter fuse, brain fog, low libido, and body composition changes — while her doctor keeps saying her labs look "normal."

Here, Dr. Durst breaks down what perimenopause actually is (it can last a decade or more), why most gynecologists aren't trained to address it, and what comprehensive hormone optimization actually looks like. We get into why testosterone is, surprisingly, the most abundant hormone circulating in a woman's body — and what happens to a couple's sex life when it's properly restored (hint: sometimes you're back to doing it twice a day!).

Plus, we talk about solutions to dryness. There are now cutting-edge tissue regeneration treatments — laser rejuvenation and PRP O-Shots — that can bring arousal, sensitivity, and orgasmic strength back after menopause causes physical changes. And we talk about why Dr. Durst's office coined the phrase "no man left behind" — because when a woman gets optimized, her husband sometimes can't keep up. ;)

If your partner has gone quiet in the bedroom and you don't know why — or she's been told everything looks fine but something clearly isn't — this one's for you. And if she's listening: this one's for you, too.

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• Dr. Debra Durst's practice: RevitalizeMD — https://www.revitalyzemd.com — also does remote consultations
• SexMD Podcast and Dr. Debra Durst on YouTube
• A4M (Anti-Aging Academy) provider directory: A4M.com — search by zip code to find a hormone specialist near you
• O-Shot and P-Shot official provider directories (oshot.info/members/directory/; https://pshot.info/homepage/)
• GAINSWave provider network — for men's sexual wellness (https://gainswave.com/directory/)

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• "If you don't feel like yourself, then you need to start thinking hormones."
• "Progesterone is your feel-good hormone — sleep and mood, if I was to simplify it."
• "Leaving problems unaddressed is not sustainable for couples."
• "These women get tearful because it's the first time they felt like they actually were listened to."
• "When we get you optimized, he won't be able to keep up."
• "No man left behind."
• "A lot of men will say, 'I didn't know I had an issue until you optimized her.'"
• "Women on testosterone — it is life-changing."
• "Sex does not have to be different if you don't want it to be."
• "I want my life back. My sex life back."

It’s one of the top questions in Dr. Kelly’s men’s health practice. 

And it’s not just coming from older men — it’s guys in their 20s and 30s. We're talking 27-year-old chiseled Marine sergeants walking in saying, "I can't get motivated. I rarely wake up with erections anymore. I haven't had sex with my girlfriend in two weeks." And their buddies are reporting the same thing.

It's not all in their heads, either. According to Dr. Kelly, the average 22-year-old man today often has the testosterone of a 70-year-old. 

And get this: This is a global trend.

Here, Dr. Kelly takes us through the data, including a 2025 meta-analysis of over a million men, which shows roughly a 50% drop in average T since the 1970s. We talk through what’s behind this insanely precipitous drop, as well as what a man can do about it. 

Plus, we cover why just reaching for a vial of testosterone isn't the move most men think it is. Spoiler: exogenous T can shut down your natural production, shrink your testicles, and tank your fertility.

We also get into a success story where a patient went from a testosterone level of 400 to 650 in just 12 weeks, and how he blew Kelly away with his transformation (or as she put it, “When he walked in it was like, ‘Who the f*** is this guy?”). Plus a frank word on what Western medicine has become, and the "free testosterone check" clinics she wants you to be careful of.

If you've ever wondered about your testosterone levels and whether they might be low, or your drive has quietly gone missing and you don't know why — this one's for you.

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• Dr. Kelly Morgan's practice: morganmenshealth.com — free intro men's health webinar in May, 4-part series in June

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• "Your 22-year-old today often has the testosterone of a 70-year-old in the 1970s."
• "It's your get up and go anything. And it's your get up and get your dick up."
• "There's actually no food in the grocery store anymore."
• "We doctors have become body mechanics to the nth degree. We're not healers anymore. We are mechanics employed by large corporations."
• "We're an I-want-it-now generation."
• "These are all things all men can be doing on their own."
• "Every aspect of your life improves when you have community."
• "My libido's back!"
• "Oh my god, my dick works again!"

You know the moment. She comes at you with heat — frustrated, hurt, disappointed, or just a lot — and something inside you freezes.

Maybe you start minimizing her experience ("It's not that bad"; "You're exaggerating"). Or you lawyer up ("Well but you also said ____" or "That's not what I meant; if you'd just listen while I explained..."). Or you look present, but you're not.

It's one of the most common patterns we see in hetero relationships. And the story we've been told about why it happens is mostly wrong.

Here, Jason and I dig into what's actually going on when her intensity floods you — and surprising research on this. For example, we still, as a culture, have a story that boys are "strong" and girls are "sensitive," but the Still Face Experiment found that baby boys are actually more emotionally reactive than baby girls, and more dependent on maternal attunement to come back to regulation.

Add in the fact that boys receive less comforting touch than girls — more functional, directive touch, less "I've got you" — and by the time you're a grown man, you often don't quite know what it feels like to be truly held. Which means you don't quite know how to hold her. Plus, the Gottman Institute has found that it actually takes a flooded man 20 minutes to come back into presence.

Then we get into what actually works. Spoiler: it's not white-knuckling your way through.

We also name something critical: none of this is about tolerating emotional abuse. If your partner's intensity is off the charts and the pattern never shifts no matter how present you get — it's time to listen to our episodes on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

If you've ever looked at your partner mid-conflict and thought I don't know what to do right now or This isn't working; it's just escalating— this one's for you.

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• Our Generating Polarity in Dating! masterclass coming up on May 29th. Register at: www.melaniecurtin.com/masterclass
• Our Borderline Personality Disorder episodes: 128 (start here), 313, 345, 354 & 373 (a 2-part series)

• "Receiving comfort is actually often a struggle for me."
• "Sometimes the body is activated while the mind suppresses awareness of it."
• "What are you grounding into?"
• "It's better to tell her you can't be present right now than pretend like you can."
• "'I'm flooded. I can't receive you the way I want to right now. I need a 20-minute timeout. And then I want to come back.'"
• "It's not about becoming an invulnerable robot that can handle intensity forever."
• "The more held you are, the more you can hold her."
• "Investing in other men is the single best investment you can make in your life."
• "It's like plugging into a source of clean energy you didn't even know was available."
• "'I had never experienced safe love in that way before.'"

Has it always been clear to you where you fit into the world? -- what your purpose is, what you contribute, what your "worth" or "value" is, as a man.

If so, you're in the minority these days.

A modern young man has no official initiation into adulthood -- no rite of passage. So he often ends up "adrift on a sea of shame," as story weaver and healthy masculinity educator Djeli Celestia, puts it.

That line alone stopped me cold, because I've seen it so many times in the men I work with: They know what they don't want to be (i.e. like their dad), but no map for how to become who they do want to be. No elder handed them a compass. No ritual marked the threshold. And adrift youth frequently grow up into adrift adults — older, but still lost.

So what's the solution?

Here, healthy masculinity educators Scott and Djeli dig into what rites of passage actually are, why modern culture has nearly lost them, and what happens — to men, to relationships, to family systems — when they're missing. They also share about the beauty and possibility that opens up when we restore these relatively simple but powerful practices.

For example, Djeli shares his own personal story of taking his own son into the woods for a rite of passage at 18 — and what his son left behind with the trees. I'll let him tell you. But I will say: I was deeply moved.

If you're a man who has felt a certain kind of ache — the sense that something important was never handed to you — this one's for you. And if you're in the "sandwich generation," parenting below while navigating aging parents above, there's something in here about how the healing you do ripples in both directions.

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• Scott & Djeli's organization, The Inspiring Men Project: https://improject.co/

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• “I had not entered into adulthood with any rites, and I brought with me a lot of anger.”
• “I’m struggling to find love and passion and that kind of connection, so I’ll find it through pornography.”
• "Who am I to guide anyone?"
• “Initiation isn’t a moment; it’s a process.”
• "There is a real closeness between the secret and the sacred."
• “A lot of men think, 'I caused harm, but I don’t know how to do better.'”
• "He forgave himself."
• "It's not just about what he came back with. It's also about what he left there."
• “We have to have that sense of where we belong in this web of life.”
• "It's when we add wisdom to getting older that we become elders."
• "How can I step up?"
• “When we initiate action, we can invite in change.”

Ever felt like there's something blocking you in love — something you can't quite name, but keeps showing up? Maybe you've got anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment traits, or you've sacrificed your needs for others or struggled to own your sexual attraction.

It's easy to feel like our issues in our sex or loves lives are all our fault, and all ours to fix. But what if something bigger is going on?

Here we explore one of the most fascinating -- and still somewhat underground -- healing modalities out there: Constellations (aka Family Constellations).

Constellations is the practice of looking at the broader system you come from — your family, your lineage, generations back — to understand why you might be stuck in patterns that don't make sense given your own life experience alone.

Here Violet breaks down how blocks to love, intimacy, and connection are often not about you at all, but about grief, trauma, or exclusion that happened long before you arrived. Think: your grandfather came back from war a different man, and somehow, decades later, you can't quite open your heart. Or as one participant put it, "I had no idea that what I was holding onto wasn't even mine."

The really cool part? You don't have to do anything. As the client, you get to watch the healing unfold. We share where this practice comes from (rooted in Zulu tradition, brought to the West by German therapist Bert Hellinger), how it interfaces with epigenetics, and what it actually feels like to receive a constellation. Plus — if you're intrigued, we're doing a live constellations event on April 18th focused on healing your relationship with the feminine. Details below.

"The Field has its own intelligence. There's no one clear leader. And it will show us what we need to see — the next important step for your healing and for your growth."

---

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• Healing Your Relationship With the Feminine: our workshop April 18th 10a-3p

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• "I feel like I have a broken picker!"
• "Survival was dependent on not being seen."
• "We are more than an individual self."
• "The system itself wants to be fully expressed."
• "I leave the grief with you."
• "Trauma is something that happens that our nervous system can't metabolize and then it stays locked in our bodies and locked in the system."
• "Once our suffering is seen, what's left is the love."
• "The blocks are not our own inner system — it's not just 'I have this thing with anger.'"
• "We, as human beings, are part of a greater story."
• "It's about letting the system reorganize."
• "You lost a child and you closed your heart."
• "Secrets were kept."
• "Systems seek wholeness."
• "Ideally humanity is moving as one, and growing as one."
• "When you bring the light of consciousness to bear on something, it changes that thing. There's no separation between consciousness and change."

Globally, hundreds of millions of men contend with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation. One 2021 US national survey found an overall ED prevalence rate in men of around 24% — that’s nearly one in four.

But even in men’s work spaces (men’s groups, retreats, etc.), one rarely hears these topics discussed. Why?

In a word: shame.

Here, Luke and I debrief our recent course, Sexual Mastery, and what patterns we saw in terms of what it actually takes to heal sexual dysfunction — from ED to delayed ejaculation — in a lasting way.

Spoiler: it's not just a pill or a breathing technique. And it's definitely not about drilling your dick into submission.

We also touch on an unexpected edge that several men had to lean into in order to start having the sex lives they've always wanted, and how your unprocessed grief about your father — yes, really — might have everything to do with your erection.

If you've ever felt like something's off but couldn't name it — or, when it comes to your penis, like you've tried the "logical" fixes and they haven't worked — this one's for you.

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• "You can't drill the dick into obeying. It requires care."
• “Shame is one of the most uncomfortable sensations in the body.”
• “We were going to have to traverse the shadowland.”
• "What is more insulting to a man, with all of that conditioning, than not being able to have control of your penis? Fuck, if that is not painful."
• “As one man took the leap … it was an irresistible magnet to pull the next man in.”
• "I remember thinking: this man's whole life is different now. He cannot go back to the way that things were."
• “It was probably the most transformative, creative artistic experience I’ve ever been a part of.”
• "All an emotion is, is cellular vitality and blood flow. At a physical level. At a spiritual level, it's a raw sense of aliveness — your essence vibrating through you."

Do you ever wish you were more grounded, had stronger boundaries, felt more clear and aligned in your purpose, and could powerfully ask for what you want and need?

If so, then you might resonate with Nice Guy Synrdome, and you probably want stronger YANG energy (as opposed to YIN energy). Here, Luke breaks down the mind-body connection through the lens of traditional Chinese medicine (TCM). explaining how unspoken resentment, chronic worry, and swallowed boundaries don't just affect your relationships — they show up in your immune system, your gut, and your posture.

Meanwhile, we get real about what women actually feel in the presence of a man who's either checked out of his power or swinging it around like a wrecking ball (spoiler: neither feels safe or sexy).

The good news? Yang energy can be rebuilt — and faster than you think, especially in community. We dig into why breathwork and meditation are such powerful tools for men ready to stop walking on eggshells and start showing up fully. If you've ever wondered why you're so tired, why you can't seem to ask for what you want, or why something just feels stuck — this one's for you.

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• "The yuckiness that I'm not stating, I will produce and absorb. I'll swallow it, put it down into my own system, and then I will digest that angst, that resentment, that grief, that sadness."
• "The state of mind that brought on the disease cannot be the state of mind that cures the disease. Don't change who you are — and the disease has no choice but to remain the same."
• "When I — or my women friends — can feel that a man is deeply present, and that he has the capacity to stand up for himself… that is sexy."
• "When you watch another man break through — you feel proud, and you feel: if he could do it, I can do it. Because I relate to him and his pain and his story. I know his story, because it's my story."
• "Let's get on with the business of living! Who knows how much time we have?"

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

The kids are almost out of the house. And there's this quiet, low-grade dread that when they go … you'll both be left staring across the table at someone you believe you love but barely know anymore.

That dread is well-founded. Couples are 40% more likely to divorce after kids leave home. Divorce rates for Americans over 55 have doubled since 1990. And roughly half of all divorces now happen to couples who are 50+ — right in this window. The empty nest isn't just an emotional transition. It's a relationship reckoning.

But there's a surprising and uplifting twist here: research also shows that couples who do the work don't just survive empty nest syndrome — they thrive. Studies show that folks in tended marriages report higher closeness and intimacy after the kids leave. The difference between couples who split and those who catch fire again? Those that see it coming and take action.

Here we speak honestly about what they see in men who sensed flatness in their relationship for years and didn't act. Men in near-sexless marriages telling themselves it's "fine." And men who finally did the work — and found themselves having the best sex of their marriage in their 50s, feeling closer to their wives than they ever have. As one put it, "I didn't even know this was possible. We're having more fun now and being more sexually adventurous than either of us could ever have imagined!"

We also cover a truth that as a culture we don't always like to talk about: The fastest way to reignite your relationship is not always couples therapy.

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• “We haven’t really had a relationship since the kids were born.”
• “We’re close to if not at the border of a sexless relationship.”
• “I can feel my partner slipping away.”
• “I’m not willing to spend my life in something this stuck.”
• "I don't just want it to be good; I want it to be fucking amazing!"
• "She knew I was never going anywhere. But once that changed — she started relating to me differently."
• “This is one of the main places men can step up.”
• “There’s this gap I want to bridge.”
• “Is this it? Is this the rest of my life?”
• “The sooner you get on top of this, the better.”
• “One of the fastest ways to polarize your relationship is to deepen your relationship with healthy men.”
• “Deep brotherhood changes us. We make bolder choices; we recover from challenge faster; we feel more connected to ourselves.”
• “What’s actually happening in my marriage NOW?”

Have you been through some sh*t? Or maybe you’re in it now.

If you feel stuck, or that there’s stagnant energy in your system that needs some unblocking, Breathwork can be a way of getting MOVING.

It can help you to finally let go.

Perhaps you’re not getting what you want in sex and intimacy, or maybe you just feel empty a lot of the time and don’t know what to do about it.

Or maybe you could write a PhD on your “issues” but you know you need to go beyond talking about it.

Whether you’re still knotted up with sexual shame, or you’re married and trying to figure out why it's so hard for you to lead his wife, or you’re dating going into freeze — or you’ve got patterns around money and finance, the root cause is often the same:

Unprocessed "stuff."

Carrying around tension is like walking through life weighed down by a backpack full of rocks. You don't always realize it's there until you're freed from it.

Plus, women are magnetically drawn to men who are relaxed and grounded in their bodies. That relaxed, open state doesn't just happen, and it's not something you're born with. There are things you can do to get there.

When it comes to processing trauma, shame, or just general stuckness, talking has limited efficacy. That's part of why you may not have gotten the results you were looking for through talk therapy or couples counseling. It's usually when we work the body (hi, somatic therapy) that we truly experience breakthroughs. Or as my guest, Luke Adler, puts it:

"The beauty of breathwork is that you add tremendous fuel and bypass the mind."

• "We men have been acculturated to be thickened up."
• "It made clear where things were really working in my life and where they weren’t."
• "Whatever system is stagnant — it’s going to move."
• "People’s pace needs to be honored."

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Ever felt obligated to "take the next step" in a relationship -- for example, becoming exclusive, moving in together, getting married, buying a house, having children, etc.?

Was it what you really wanted, or was it just what your partner or others thought you should be doing at that point?

Millions of people quietly make alternative life choices and relationship choices -- but we rarely talk about them. Enter Amy Gahran and her book, Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator.

In the world of sex, dating, and love relationships, the cultural norm is the "relationship escalator" -- it's the familiar rom-com plotline where you date, become monogamous, put a ring on it, get married, buy a single-family home in the suburbs (don't forget the white picket fence!), have children, and then only "win" at marriage if you stay together until death parts you. You never get to acknowledge attraction to anyone else, and you both avoid questions around emotional closeness with anyone outside your relationship.

Here, we talk about what it looks like to get OFF the relationship escalator.Here are a few concrete examples:

• You want kids, and your partner doesn't. Instead of breaking up, your partner and their close friend become co-parents. You all cohabitate.
• You've gotten divorced, but you're still close friends with your ex-spouse. They buy the house across the street and you hang out all the time. You've become close with their new dating partner.
• After living alone and realizing you feel lonely and isolated, you choose to move back in with housemates -- and you're happier than you've been in a long time

Amy Gahran has interviewed hundreds of people who are off the escalator and are engaging in creative relationships of all kinds. If you've ever wondered what else was possible, listen to this.

• "More is possible."
• "You have options. And even if you want to keep doing what you're doing, make it a conscious choice."
• "Cultivate the skill to re-negotiate because I can guarantee that at some point you're going to need to."

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Amy's site: https://offescalator.com/

“A common pattern we see is that the sex has dried up.”

In millions of marriages around the globe, one partner is starving for intimacy, and the other feels confused, frightened, frozen, or all three. The sexually guarded partner doesn't know how to open, and their partner feels stuck, unhappy and alone.

So what can they do?

Here we explore exactly that, with a focus on a woman partner who may be terrified of engaging in sexual healing. We explore the origins and root causes of this pattern, as well as sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy, love, commitment, and connection.

We talk about the phenomenon of: “I’m so flooded now that we have kids that it’s really hard for me to have the bandwidth to connect physically with anyone.” And: “Our lack of physical intimacy started bleeding into a lack of emotional intimacy."

\We also talk about the prevalence of sexual trauma, whether from childhood or adulthood or both, as well as how to heal from it.

Hint: One of the best ways to move through it is as a woman is not with a love relationship partner, but with other women.

Sisterhood is powerful medicine.

• Violet's program for women: Love Integrated (https://loveandlegacy.circle.so/LoveIntegrated)
• Violet & Jason & Luke's program for women: Heart of Shadow for Women (https://heartofshadow.com/women/)
• DM 1: Pain in Pleasure, Pleasure in Pain
• DM 348: ‘I wish we had sex more.’ (ft. Violet Lange)
• DM 325: What if *every* woman had a self-pleasure practice? 
• DM 265: What if she's got a sexual trauma background? How do you help? (ft. Violet Lange) 
• DM 227: How a woman can reclaim her erotic essence (ft. Violet Lange)

• “It can be very easy for a woman to avoid these conversations.”
• “Couples are complex systems.”
• “If you can’t talk about sex and what’s coming up there, you start to close off other conversational doors.”
• “He’s starving for intimacy, and I don’t just mean physical sex.”
• “There’s a deeper layer of healing and connection that wants to come forth.”
• “‘The closer we got, the less interested in sex I became; it was easy to just focus on planning the wedding.’”
• “I funneled all my energy into work ... and if I’d had kids, I would’ve funneled it into them.”
• “There’s a leaning in so that you, as a unit, — you and your partner — are generating energy.”
• “I can’t live a full life and exclude this part of myself.”
• “I’m ready, and I’m scared.”
• “It’s about having a partner who expresses herself so that you really trust her.”
• “We, as humans, and especially women, are incredibly capable of change and healing and growth and renewal.”
• “Here I am; I’m alive!”

Have you ever felt like you've done everything right — therapy, journaling, the inner work — and yet you were still kind of... stuck? Like you intellectually understood your pain but couldn't actually move it?

That's where Sara found herself after a 10-year marriage ended; a year of talk therapy later, she still wasn't where she wanted to be. She felt alone in a battle with the voice inside her that said she was a failure, unlovable, and destined to repeat the past.

So she did something most people would never, ever do — and it changed everything.

It involved the kink world — but not in the way you might think. Here, we get into how she set it all up, why she chose to do it the way she did, what it felt like in the room, and — most importantly — what shifted as a result.

This episode is a reminder that healing doesn't always look the way we expect, and that sometimes the bravest thing we can do is feel it all, all the way through ... in community.

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• Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• "It had been about a year of talk therapy, and I was thinking, 'Why am I not where I want to be?'"
• “What if I meet someone horrible and think they’re amazing?”
• "These were thoughts like, 'You’re not good enough. You’re not special. You’re never going to find love. Nobody’s ever going to love you. You don’t deserve to find the perfect partner for you.'" 
• "I wanted to be pushed. I wanted to be a bawling mess."
• "I want to feel like I was letting go to a new extent."
• "Is this really the idea?? Do I really want to do this?"
• "I did this thing, and I survived, and I was in control."
• “I chose that pain and I chose to let go of that pain.” 
• "Things just became a little easier — of forgiving myself. Not having to be as perfect. Not having to be completely ready."

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• DM 231: Her journey from vanilla marriage to BDSM and kink! (ft. Sara)
• Want to get in touch with Sara? Email me: dearmenpodcast at gmail dot com

Ever been in a relationship where you felt like it started off GREAT, but over time it became really hard? Ever felt like you had electric sex with someone, especially at the beginning, but then you were often put in the doghouse for doing something “wrong,” and that eventually you ended up constantly walking on eggshells to try not to trigger your partner? Then you’ll likely resonate with this episode.

If you’re someone who struggles with setting healthy boundaries, you may have noticed a certain pattern in terms of the dating and relationship partners you’ve ended up with.

In our work with men we’ve often seen a certain kind of polarity where men with Nice Guy tendencies attract women with traits of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). These women are often brilliant, funny, engaging, witty, exciting to be around … and volatile. Romantic relationships with them can be a rollercoaster with precipitous highs and lows.

Fortunately, we’ve also seen countless men overcome this pattern and grow beyond it. Here we delve into the pattern itself, reasons behind it, and what to do about it.

• “One of the hallmark traits of Nice Guys is overextending.”
• “It’s often the volatile person’s nervous system that gets centered.”
• “If you don’t see reality their way, you’re the enemy.”
• “There’s a fear that if I end this, I’m going to be alone.”
• “At an early age, the Nice Guy had to regulate one of his parents, or the family system itself.”
• “Maybe me speaking up isn’t aggressive.”

—

• Dear Men episode 239: Just realized I’m a nice guy. Now what?
• Dear Men episode 128: Feel like you’re walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder

Do you ever find yourself minimizing your own needs, and/or feeling responsible for others' emotions?

Do you tend to stay quiet to keep the peace, or freeze during conflict?

Have you ever struggled with boundaries or wondered why standing up for yourself feels so hard?

Here we explore a family dynamic that can be just as damaging for what doesn’t happen as for what does. If there was a volatile parent in your house and a more passive one (or if that's the dynamic you're in as a parent right now, with your own children), you'll want to hear this.

This conversation goes beyond obvious abuse and into the invisible wounds: the confusion of not knowing who will protect you, the way your body learns to brace, appease, or disappear, and how those early patterns quietly follow you into adult relationships.

We also explore what healing can look like — not through blame, but through awareness. How do you grieve the protection you didn’t receive? What does it take to stop replaying the bully–bystander dynamic in your partnerships, friendships, or inner world? If you’ve ever felt caught between harm and silence, this episode invites you to name the experience — and begin choosing something different.

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Mentioned on this episode:

• One Million Rising (pro-democracy training): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4496VWDjwS0&t=19s
• violetlange.com/root -- to sign up & get Zoom link (or replay after Feb 12th). If you have questions, just email violet@violetlange.com. You can also check out her program for women directly at: Love, Integrated 

“This is not something I ever thought I would do.”

So begins Kubir's story of moving from a spacious one-bedroom apartment in SF to Radish, a 13-person cohousing community in the East Bay.

“As I was getting older, my friends were getting partnered off,” he shared, and talked about his dating experiences before living in community as, in part, a way of experiencing companionship.

His is a unique perspective because he never thought he'd end up not only living in community, but dating while recently moving in, and having to answer questions to his new love partner about his motivations.

Now his wife is more than just on board -- she's in partnership with him around collaborating with others to create another cohousing community.

So what's it like dating in community, getting married in community, and then having a baby? Listen for all that and more!

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• Supernuclear Substack
• CoHoUS (The Cohousing Association of the United States)
• The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life With Friendship at the Center -- book by Rhaina Cohen
• Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and Life -- book by Amy Gahran
• DM 242: Stepping off the Relationship Escalator (with Amy Gahran)
• LiveNearFriends.com -- You've thought about it. What's stopping you?

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• “Even with your best friend, you schedule dinner three weeks out.”
• “It was like, ‘Cool, that’s for you, but that’s not for people like me.’”
• “We buy our own loneliness.”
• “I moved in in the middle of Covid and it… was… awesome.”
• “I can’t think of any other decision that has impacted my day-to-day happiness in a positive way than moving into Radish.”
• “The things I was afraid of happening — I wouldn’t have any privacy; I wouldn’t have enough personal space — didn’t happen.”
• “I’m constantly meeting new people.”
• “Being in orbit with other people is such a healthy thing from a relational standpoint.”
• “You get to see yourself reflected in other people.”

“The gym can be a very scary place.”

Ever been intimidated by the idea of working out -- and in particular, lifting weights? Then you're in very good company. Fortunately, as fitness expert Mike Bledsoe puts it, "95% of people in the gym are also insecure."

Here we delve right into both the insecurity (and how to overcome it), as well as why Bledsoe, who has trained professional athletes, Navy SEALs, and other fitness experts, prefers to work with beginners.

We talk about how to naturally boost your T levels (easier than you think!), the specific way our physical bodies store our "stuff" (and how to move it), and how to get started if you're not sure what to do first.

We also touch on questions like:

• Is keto really worth it? (What should you actually pay attention to in nutrition trends?)
• How do you safely start lifting weights (without injuring yourself), especially if you're over 50?
• How do you best integrate from deep emotional release work (including psychedelics) in a physical way?
• What kind of stretches are best?

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• The ELDOA method (stretching and myofascial release)
• 
  

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• "I started asking, 'Why did I get injured?'
• “If I’m really fit, then I’ll finally feel loved.”
• “[My clients] would hide their pain from me.”
• “If you want to increase your testosterone, squat heavy once a week and get in a cold plunge.”
• “If you have tightness in your body, you have emotional stuff going on.”
• “About half of my time spent on my body is stretching … and I don’t get hurt anymore.”
• “No matter where you’re at, you require mentorship and guidance.”
• “Pay attention to every single win.”

Do any of these apply to you?:

• You used to have a good sex life with your partner, but now it has flatlined
• You're in a sexless marriage but at a loss with respect to how to even bring this up with your woman (or you've tried in the past and it went poorly)
• You fear never having passionate, connected sex again

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These are all common patterns we see in our practice.

Here we outline the 5 most common reasons we've seen for this pattern, and some stories of men who've done the work and now have vibrant, thriving sex lives. Passion is possible!

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• DM 222: Are you using your woman for sex?
• DM 217: When sex is about more than just the sex
• DM 358: Do you trust men?
• DM 103: Reverse polarity can kill your sex life as a couple -- you need to know about this
• DM 262: Are you lonely?
• DM 1: What if sex hurts for your partner or she doesn't want it? A woman opens up about her experience

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• “Your relationship is flat.”
• “I’m gonna ask in a way I can’t be rejected.”
• “‘I tend to wait for the signal.’”
• “I’ve neglected my partner before.”
• “For a lot of guys, ejaculation is how they deal with tension in their bodies.”
• “One of the most painful ways we’ve seen this show up is when this wasn’t clear when they got married.”
• “'I want to feel your desire to be close to me, to know my heart, to know my feelings.'”
• “This is her strongest aphrodisiac!”
• “I’m getting off all the feelings I don’t want to feel.”
• “It’s not so much what we’re doing, but how we’re being.”
• “The pathway to the change you want comes from being honest.”
• “It can change — that’s the good news.”

We've got close to 400 episodes, and with the new year, I felt inspired to categorize Dear Men in order to help you get the most out of it!

I've broken it down into six buckets, then listed episodes in an order I believe would be supportive to listen to:

1. Do you identify as a Nice Guy?

If you already know about Nice Guy Syndrome (perhaps you've even read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover), you'll love these. If you've not yet heard about it but your spidey sense is going off, it's probably a good time to learn more:

• 374: The 3 main archetypes of men. Which one are you? (ft. Jason Lange)
• 239: Realized I’m a "Nice Guy." Now what do I do about it? (ft. Jason Lange)
• 367: 'For some reason, I tend to attract "projects."' (ft. Jason Lange)
• 289: Do Nice Guys tend to attract volatile women? (ft. Jason Lange)
• 235: 'I see a beautiful woman and immediately get triggered. Why?' (ft. Jason Lange)
• 340: Top 3 traits we've seen Nice Guys develop to get what they want! (ft. Jason Lange)
• 295: Ever 'fallen into' a relationship? (ft. Jason Lange)
• 284: Is cheating (including emotional affairs) correlated with Nice Guy Syndrome? (ft. Jason Lange)
• 296: What does it actually mean to step into your power? (ft. Jason Lange)
• 315: What happens once you’ve recovered from Nice Guy Syndrome? (ft. Dr. Robert Glover)

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2. Ever been with an emotionally volatile partner?

If you've ever been with a partner who scared you, who had a lot of emotional intensity, and around whom you felt you were walking on eggshells, then it's time to understand Borderline Personality Disorder. (This could rock your world!)

• 319: 'My relationship is war.' (What do I do?) (Ft. Jason Lange)
• 128: Feel like you're walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder (ft. Violet Lange)
• 313: GuyTalk: Life after being with a BPD partner (Borderline Personality Disorder)
• 354: What’s it like treating Borderline Personality Disorder? (Pt. 1) Ft. Setareh Vatan
• 373: What's it like treating Borderline Personality Disorder (pt. 2) (ft. Setareh Vatan)
• 345: The 4 male "types" who partner with Borderline women (Borderline Personality Disorder) (ft. Violet Lange)
• 163: Ever had red-hot sex with someone who's bad for you? (ft. Jason Lange)
• 221: What's her feminine storm, and what's abuse? (ft. Violet & Jason Lange)
• 386: GuyTalk: How do you co-parent with a challenging partner? (including Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder)

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3. Are you curious about sexy time?

We have tons of fun episodes on this! Everything from sexual fantasies to episodes with erotica writers. Here's just a taste:

• 37: Secrets of a Sex Researcher (ft. me!)
• 388: GirlTalk: The reddest, hottest sex we've ever had (as women)
• 318: GirlTalk: Role play in sex. What's it like!?
• 152: GirlTalk: How to go down on a woman so she *loves* it
• 189: GirlTalk: Does size matter?
• 282: Anal sex! Yep, we’re talkin’ about it. (ft. Sara)
• 245: What's it like to be swingers? (ft. John & Jackie Melfi)
• 119: GirlTalk: Blowjobs! What we like and don't like in oral sex on men
• 384: What's the impact of circumcision on a man? (ft. Michael Smith, Intactivist Educator)
• 390: What is foreskin restoration? (ft. Bob Werner)

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4. Are you dating/wanting to date?

Whether you're wanting to "date better," or you're getting back out onto the scene after a major relationship has ended, you'll find a gem in here:

• 186: GirlTalk: Approaching us in the wild (the "cold approach")
• 220: How do I tell if she likes me? (ft. Jason Lange)
• 136: GuyTalk: Dating after divorce
• 387: GirlTalk: What inspires a woman to deeply trust a man?
• 360: GirlTalk: Striking while the iron is hot!
• 358: Do you trust men? (ft. Jason Lange)
• 335: Ever felt like women had a 'list' in dating & relationships? (ft. Violet Lange)
• 344: 3 dating myths to let go of immediately (ft. Jason Lange)
• 337: GirlTalk: Ever felt like she’s testing you?
• 341: GirlTalk: The most important relationship skill of them all
• 324: What does it mean to open a woman? (ft. Jason Lange)
• 291: Want to get better at dating? Here are 3 ways to practice with women (ft. Violet Lange)
• 138: GirlTalk! When should you text her vs. call her?

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5. Want to know more about trauma healing?

Eventually we all come to realize how messed up we are. ;) It is at that point that it's helpful to learn more about how to un-learn damaging patterns.

The good news is that it's never too late, and major breakthroughs are more than just possible when you put in the right effort and get the right support -- they're probable.

• 320: From breakdown to breakthrough: how to recover from trauma (ft. Jason Lange)
• 123: What exactly IS somatic therapy, and how does it differ from talk therapy? (ft. Z Zoccolante)
• 379: Can ketamine really treat depression (and PTSD and ADHD)? (ft. Sam Mandel)
• 314: Can microdosing help you develop better relationships? (ft. David Romero)
• 300: What's it like to do MDMA therapy with your wife? (ft. Lucas)
• 278: Need a breakthrough? Try breathwork. (ft. Luke Adler)
• 371: GuyTalk: What's it like doing in-person men's work?
• 150: Want a happy, healthy relationship? Ancestral trauma healing. (ft. Ben Goresky & Mark Wolynn)
• 166: Can psychedelics help heal you? (ft. Jason Lange)
• 159: It happens to boys, too. Somatic therapies to heal from sexual abuse (ft. Rahi Chun)
• 155: Overcome anxious/avoidant attachment with somatic therapy modality Network Spinal Analysis (ft. Dr. Matt Kreinheder)
• 223: Sexological bodywork, somatic sex education, and overcoming trauma (ft. Chris Muse & Alyssa Morin)
• 199: Want to overcome trauma quickly? De-armoring can help (ft. Sunny Ju)

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6. Are you in partnership? Learn about polarity!

If you've ever been in a sexless marriage, or a love relationship where you wished there was more sexy time happening, polarity is likely a big part of what's going on. Or even if your relationship is good and you want to take it to GREAT, this is the topic for you.

Polarity is a key concept in our work, and it is the balance between masculine and feminine energies, which we often talk about as "alpha" and "omega" energies.

• 380: What exactly IS polarity? (ft. Violet Lange)
• 394: Why is polarity so critical for attraction? (ft. Jason Lange)
• 292: Sex life with your wife not where you want it to be? Reverse polarity could be the culprit (ft. Violet & Jason Lange)
• 360: GirlTalk: Striking while the iron is hot!
• 357: GirlTalk: What does it mean to “claim” her (and why does she love it)?
• 297: The problems with polarity (ft. Jason Lange)
• 293: Give it to me whining! (Ft. Jason & Violet Lange)
• 277: Want to maximize polarity? Learn to do this well. (ft. Jason Lange)
• 66: GirlTalk: When men do this, we get wet.
• 342: Are you scared of her big feelings? This may help. (ft. Jason Lange) [replay]
• 250: How do you re-polarize a relationship (bring back the spark)? ft. Jason Lange
• 322: 5 ways to polarize a powerful woman (ft. Jason Lange) [Replay]

Have you ever been in a relationship where it felt like the spark had died? There's no chemistry but you're going through the motions, wishing there was more heat, more aliveness, more oomph.

If so, you might have been bumping up against the principle of polarity.

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• DM 380: What exactly IS polarity?
• DM 103: Reverse polarity can kill your sex life as a couple
• Dear Men 297: The problems with polarity

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“I become a bit of a depresso-goblin when I live alone.”

So shares one of my housemates -- an eloquent interpretation, perhaps, of the loneliness episode we're living through, according to the US Surgeon General.

We all know that loneliness sucks. Among other things, it elevates risk of heart disease, stroke, dementia, depression, and anxiety (among other health concerns).

So what do we do about it? According to the Pew Research Center, around 40% of adults are un-partnered, and a recent CNN article states that close to 30% of all US households are folks living on their own. Add to this the gig economy and an increased prevalence of workplaces that are entirely online, and you've got a major societal issue.

Living in community is one way of coming together, having more fun, getting more practical support, and strengthening the overall social fabric of your life.

Here, I get personal. I myself live in a coliving situation with six other friends. In this episode we delve into questions like:

• What was your life like before living in community, and what motivated you to seek out a community living situation?
• Anything you were hesitant about when it came to living in community?
• What needs of yours are met by living in community? What challenges have you found in it?
• How has living in community impacted your love relationship (if you’re in one)? 
• What advice do you have for others who are considering living in community?

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• “It seemed like a good healthy risk.”
• “I don’t have coworkers, so the vast majority of my sustaining social connection comes from this house.”
• “It's special to have built-in friends.”
• “One hesitation for me was that everything wasn’t going to be accessible to me 100% of the time in exactly the way I’d want.”
• “Living with people helps me with being open to receiving.”
• “It’s more isolating when you’re living in a home with just your partner.”
• “It's great having that space to be received and seen by others.”
• “It requires vulnerability and communication.”
• “It’s very lively!”
• “A better version of me lives when I live in community.” 

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• Nesterly: Share a home with someone you can trust for over 1 month stays. Renters can lend a hand for discounted rent.
• CoHoUS (The Cohousing Institute of the United States): A resource with courses as well as online social gatherings for those interested in cohousing and coliving

How do you know if you're addicted to porn?

Instead of addiction language, some mental health specialists use the term Problematic Porn Use to discuss this. The heart of it is the same, however: How do I stop watching porn? (and why is it so freakin' hard to stop using porn??)

Here we delve into the topic, but not from a shame-based point of view. Instead we look at the underlying needs that are met by porn use -- and how to move beyond it.

The truth is that this is a complex and intricate subject. It's not as simple or easy as "just stop" -- and whether it's an outside force or your own inner critic saying this, it's simply not helpful (and often damaging).

As with many things in life, the truth is, as Jason puts it: “You CAN do this. You just can’t do it alone.”

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• Dear Men 358: Do you trust men?
• Dear Men 262: Are you lonely?

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• “When we don’t know how to share what’s inside of us, most men will default to is ejaculating it out.”
• “Porn is a subset of the attention-hijacking we’re all in the middle of right now.”
• “It was very disempowering to feel like I didn’t have control.”
• “You get exactly what you want and you can’t be rejected.”
• “As our system gets larger, we don’t need certain crutches anymore.”
• “I hit a certain level of stress, and my body does this.”
• “I changed my life so I wasn’t hitting that trigger switch.”
• “You CAN do this. You just can’t do it alone.”

ATTRIBUTION NOTE: This is NOT an original episode. This is a complete episode of The Ezra Klein Show that I'm posting here, with a note from me at the beginning.

Original episode can be found here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/what-relationships-would-you-want-if-you-believed-they/id1548604447?i=1000644331040

What follows is my own reasons for posting this:

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We are at a crossroads in our cultures and societies worldwide.

In many places, social networks are in tatters. Mental health is abysmal in spots without tight-knit communities -- which, let's face it, is a growing number of places. The nuclear family paradigm has dominated over the past 50-75 years, but does it work?

Evidence suggests otherwise.

Single adults living alone are so lonely they often experience significant anxiety & depression. Parents are stressed and overwhelmed, with children taking up so much energy and attention that it's hard to connect as a couple (including sex! and other kinds of intimacy). And older adults are either aging alone, or in environments that sap their vitality.

Studies show that trends around social isolation hit men particularly hard. According to Gallup, for example, "[Young men in the US] are significantly more likely than their female peers to experience deaths of despair."

And: "Americans who experience daily loneliness are significantly less likely to report smiling or laughing ... They are also half as likely to be classified as 'thriving' in life."

Let's review that: Lonely people are HALF as likely to be classified as thriving. And what happens when you're not thriving? You're almost always not having great sex, wonderful intimate relationships, or a satisfying love life.

So what do we do about this? How do we "fix" the loneliness epidemic?

This is the first episode in a series that I will be doing on creative solutions and innovative ideas around not just how we think about relationships, but how we think about living. I don't mean that metaphorically, either; I mean our literal living environments.

We've lived separately for too long. I believe it's time to bring the generations back together in meaningful ways, and have more FUN at home.

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life With Friendship at the Center by Rhaina Cohen

Why do you need to know about this?

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• “It’s a journey of healing; it’s a journey of growth; it’s a journey of restoration.”
• “Everyone ends up better … in so many different ways.”
• “Life truly is better with a foreskin!”
• “It’s a wonderful sense of wellbeing.”
• “The glans is an internal organ — it’s not designed to be exposed to nature, and when it is exposed 24/7, it has to protect itself.”
• “Some people report having whole-body orgasms!”
• “Once you have the foreskin, during intercourse that foreskin goes back and forth across the head of the penis and it makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD. There’s no more working so hard to get to orgasm.”
• “It turns intercourse into beauty.”
• “There are no surgical options because the skin on the penis is unique.”
• “There’s more sensitivity, so you’re not straining and working hard to get to orgasm.”
• “It really doesn’t take very much tension to do this.”
• “Every millimeter of skin you grow is going to bring you relief.”
• “It doesn’t matter what level you’re starting from; the benefits start accruing from the moment you reach down and start gently tugging.”
• “‘Welcome to the community and to your restoration journey.’”
• “When I told my urologist I was restoring my foreskin, I got this blank look.”
• “There is a way to fix this.”

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• DM 384: What's the impact of circumcision on a man? (ft. Michael Smith, Intactivist Educator)
• 
  

Have you ever felt stuck in a love relationship that wasn't working? Maybe you were straining and striving to make it work. Maybe you felt like it was all on your shoulders -- all your responsibility to "fix" it. Or maybe you were afraid of what would happen if it went away. Would she make it? Would you?

There are concrete reasons why it's hard for men in particular to let go of romantic relationships (whether marriages or other long-term committed relationships) that are no longer fulfilling.

Here we delve into 8 specific reasons why it's hard for men to answer questions like:

• "Why do I feel so stuck in my marriage?"
• "How do I fix my marriage?"
• "What do I do if I'm unhappy but feel obligated to stay?"
• "What can I do to make my marriage better?"
• "How do I get my wife to want me again?"

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• DM 377: How do you overcome the fear of being alone?
• DM 144: Are you staying together for the kids?
• My streaming sex course! Please Her In Bed: www.pleaseherinbed.com

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• “Often relationships that are hard to get out of have some element of codependence.”
• “What happens if I leave her? How will she survive?”
• “What if I break up with her and she’s mad at me?”
• “If the relationship fails, I fail.”
• “Maybe this is the best I’m ever going to get, and if I leave it, I’ll regret it.”
• “There’s a type of safety there, and not having to confront the fear of being alone.”
• “It’s really about not excluding oneself.”
• “If I don’t believe I’m worth it, I’m not going to ask for it.”
• “Other men are dangerous so the only safe place is your feminine partner.”
• “A relationship doesn’t have to last forever to be successful!”
• “I was living on scraps before, and I didn’t even realize it.”
• “This would have been impossible for me to do without my men’s group.”
• “As you let go into community, you can discover yourself in a totally different way.”

How many hundreds of miles would you travel for great sex?

Some of the hottest sexual experiences are some of the least-expected. Sometimes that has to do with location, and sometimes it has to do with ropes and corsets. Often it involves anticipation, and it's frequently NOT about what you think (i.e. perfect "performance").

Here, four of us women friends bring you behind the curtain when it comes to the best sex we've ever had. Some of what we say may surprise you! And some may be things you've always wondered about. Included topics: going down on her, blow jobs for him, domination play, and jumping off (this is not what you think but definitely worth hearing about!).

When it comes to dating and relationships, stand-out sex is a big part of it -- but what that looks like is sometimes unanticipated.

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Work with us

Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• My streaming sex course! Please Her In Bed: www.pleaseherinbed.com

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• "He had me blindfolded so he was like, 'I'm going to take care of you, and I'm going to do all the work.'" ;)
• "You know when you meet up with an ex and it's like, 'Do we or don't we?'"
• "He was very curious and made sure to know what I liked and what I didn't like."

Most men we work with long to be trusted. They yearn to satisfy their partners on every level: physically, emotionally, and sexually. Above all, they want their woman partners to feel safe with them.

The fact is, those two things are inextricably linked: If you want a woman to feel safe with you, she needs to trust you. Yet we still live in a world where a lot of women feel unsafe with a lot of men.

So what does it take to be deeply trustable? Here, we each reveal what it takes for a man to be trusted by us on a personal level. We share intimate stories of times we interacted with an un-trustable man (and what made him un-trustable), as well as the times we felt deep trust, safety, and connection.

Want a woman to fully surrender to you? Listen on -- whether you're newly dating, long-married, or in any other kind of love relationship, you're sure to get something out of this vulnerable, raw discussion of love, safety, trust, intimacy, and sexuality.

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

When you've got kids with someone, you need to be able to cooperate. But what do you do if your ex is emotionally unstable/volatile, physically or emotionally abusive, or otherwise difficult?

Most partners don't start out that way, of course. As one man put it, it felt more like "the ground could be kind of unstable" in the relationship. Another said, "I was hyper-aware of her emotions all the time, and trying to minimize her upheaval."

Maybe the two of you have even tried seeing a couple's counselor. But it didn't work -- or in some cases, even seemed to make things worse. Says one man, "Even in therapy, a lot of it was, ‘You’re the cause of this.’"

Here, three men share their personal experiences of co-parenting with challenging partners -- women who often have traits of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

They go into what it was like being in the relationship, the progression from being a childless couple to having children together, and then the journey out. They share both practical and emotional tips about co-parenting, and offer what they've learned along the way.

If you're in this situation, may this help to light the way.

• “She said things like, ‘You have ruined my life, and caused me more trauma.’”
• “It’s hard to see that stuff when you’re in it.”
• “In reality, we just had wounds that sort of fit well together at the time.”
• “I told myself I had a loyalty to her.”
• “I had so much fear of, 'What’s gonna happen if I actually follow through?'”
• “At some point I didn’t feel safe; I felt threatened.”
• “What made things better for everyone, including my ex, was strong, healthy boundaries.”

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• Dear Men 128: Feel like you’re walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder (ft. Violet Lange)
• Book: Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder, by Paul T. Mason & Randi Kreger
• Book: Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Y. Manning, PhD
• Book: Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy, Randi Kreger, et al
• Book: Parallel Parenting -- The Only Way to Co-parent with a Narcissist: Managing a Counter Parent, Setting Boundaries, and Protecting Your Child From Parental Alienation by Wendy Carter
• Article: 25 Fictional Characters People With Borderline Personality Disorder Relate To (https://themighty.com/topic/borderline-personality-disorder/bpd-borderline-personality-disorder-fictional-characters/)

Some experts estimate that ~15% of marriages are sexless, while others put the number as high as 33% ("sexless relationship" defined as a couple having sex 10 times a year or fewer).

That's a lot of people.

Now let's talk about the stakes:

Does a sexless marriage generally mean a less fulfilling one? In a word, yes. According to researcher and associate professor Denis Donnelly in the New York Times, "Happy couples have more sex, and the more sex a couple has, the happier they report being."

Plus, her research showed that folks in sexless marriages were more likely to have considered divorce than those in sexually active ones.

So what do you do if you're in this position? How do you handle being in a sexless relationship or sexless marriage? Can you bring the sex back in -- repolarize the relationship?

Here, we work on answering questions like: "How do I bring up sex with my wife?" -- in Jason's words, “A lot of guys don’t know where to start because they don’t know where it’s coming from.”

And, "What do I do if my wife doesn't want to have sex with me?" -- or how to handle the sense that when she does, it's more of her feeling like "this is a thing I have to do for you to get you off my back."

It's a tender, vulnerable, and important subject. Let's dive in.

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• “It’s not just about the frequency of sex.”
• “My wife does give me her body, but that’s it. It’s a duty.”
• “For guys, the experience is, ‘Well, why don’t I just use a sex doll?’”
• “Men just shut down and become resentful.”
• “Sex is really just a form of communication.”
• “‘I want to feel her wanting me, wanting sex.’”
• “The more sex we’re having, the more sex we want to have.”
• “Sex is deeply entwined with our ability to open and feel connected.”

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• DM 1: What if sex hurts for her? (her insider view on being closed off sexually)
• DM 196: The "invisible" relationship pattern that can impact everything (emotional neglect)
• DM 250: How do you re-polarize a relationship?
• DM 222: Are you using your woman for sex?

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In North America, we tend to think of circumcision as "normal" and "widespread." But did you know that circumcision as a practice only became widespread in the US in the mid 1900s?

So what's the deal? Why did it originate as a practice and why has it persisted? And perhaps most importantly, what is the impact on a man -- both physiologically as well as psychologically?

The answers may surprise you -- I know they did me. I was unaware, for example, of the extent to which intact foreskin helps a man with sexual pleasure. I also didn't realize that foreskin restoration is a thing -- that if you've been circumcised, there's actually a way to re-grow foreskin.

There's a lot of intensity and sensitivity around this subject, and for good reason: It matters deeply. If you yourself are circumcised, you have loved ones who are, and especially if you're a parent-to-be, please listen. It's important.

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Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

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• “Much of the history is murky.”
• “I acutely felt the feeling of being different.”
• “Dollars per hour, circumcision is the most lucrative thing a doctor can do.”
• “Circumcision is estimated to be a $5B/year industry in the US.”
• “Men don’t like to feel like victims.”
• “Most responses are silence.”
• “There’s an unconscious desire to control the sexuality of children.”
• “‘OK, something really bad happened to me.’”
• “It ends with me.”
• "This can be a story of resilience and triumph."

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• Book rec: Circumcision: The Hidden Trauma -- How an American Cultural Practice Affects Infants and Ultimately Us All
• Documentary on Netflix: American Circumcision
• Subreddit dedicated to foreskin restoration: www.reddit.com/r/foreskin_restoration/
• For more on our upcoming course, Sexual Mastery, go to melaniecurtin.com/sexualmastery