A talk about the state of the world for girls and women, growing up in a patriarchy, messages we absorb from the water we’re swimming in, male violence, assault, misogyny, sexual harassment, the male gaze, objectification, sexism - and the frustration of having to hurry and say “not all men” because of course not all men. But way too many of them. And we need them in the conversation.

Thanks for reading and listening to Come As You Are! Your comments and shares mean the world to me, thank you. And thanks for spending some time with me.

A talk about grief, loss, child loss, school shootings, gun violence, violence generally, the cancer of rampant self-interest, the pain, rage and despair of having school-age children in this environment, vulnerability, mortality, the patriarchy, intersectional feminism, democracy - and how we can try to make this world a more compassionate, sane, peaceful place with the 80-100 years we’ve got. Not small talk.

This is a talk about the relief that comes with seeing things as they are, instead of clinging to a version of reality we wish was unfolding. Sometimes we work really hard not to see the truth of our own feelings, or the truth of someone else’s feelings or the situation we’re in, because if we see it, things will have to change or we will have to change, or maybe we’re walking straight into heartbreak. It’s also a talk about words and their definitions, and how sometimes we use the same words, but we mean very different things.

A talk about grief, loss, panic attacks, the illusion of control, traveling into the future, past and present all at once, the space time continuum, and how sometimes letting go is the only way to ride the ride.

A talk about endings, abandonment issues, attachment styles, not asking other people to carry our baggage, and why it’s okay to hate goodbyes as long as you work on the rest of it!

This is a talk about the big transitions in life. We can all get focused on the destination, but sometimes the shore in front of us isn’t clear, and the task is to swim in the waters of uncertainty for a while. You can tread water, swim against the current and exhaust yourself, or move with it and let things flow, trusting you’ll land on solid ground eventually. Asking yourself the right questions is one of the best ways to find more ease and strength when the weather changes and the current starts pulling you in a direction you didn’t expect. This is also a talk about the quality of your inner voice and why it matters so much, motherhood, the sandwich generation, empty nest syndrome, divorce, post-divorce dating, and trying to keep it together for your kids. It’s not a talk that’s just for parents, it’s for anyone who struggles with change.

A talk about those “nothing” moments that are really everything, meeting love wherever you find it, allowing yourself to feel joy, grief, longing, gratitude, vulnerability, and fragility all at once, and recognizing if you want steadiness in life, you have to find it inside yourself.

A talk about empathy -which, by definition - flows freely in all directions. A conversation about binary thinking, the danger of dehumanizing those who disagree with us, and where we might be at war within ourselves, since outward violence is a reflection of inward pain.

Thank you for listening to Come As You Are. This post is public so feel free to share it.

A talk about the high cost of "othering" people, and the pain and exhaustion of swimming in rage-filled water, which is daily life right now.

A talk about cognitive dissonance and the painful toll it takes. When we feel one way but act another for any number of reasons, when we know something is very wrong but are asked to go about our days like everything is normal, when we can no longer have nuanced conversation or express our heartache openly, the result is despair, confusion, depression, anxiety, overwhelm and loneliness. What's the answer? Have a listen.

Today’s talk is for anyone who’s ever been in a relationship where you had to walk on eggshells, read the room, and make yourself small. It’s for anyone who ever hated themselves for not leaving, or not leaving sooner. It’s about the root cause of what makes us stay when we know we should go. It’s also for anyone with complicated maternal bonds who might feel the reverberations around Mother’s Day, and it’s for all of us who miss our moms beyond belief, flaws and all.

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Today's talk is about relationships, intimacy, trust, abandonment, betrayal, communication, ghosting, and the importance of the empty cup.

Do you ever go to the wrong people looking for things you know they can’t or won’t give you? Things like approval, affection, acknowledgement - or an apology if the situation warrants one? That’s called “going to the hardware store for apples” - a phrase I heard in an Al-Anon meeting when I was seventeen. It’s a fruitless endeavor to seek compassion from people who don’t feel empathy, whatever the reason. It’s painful to love people who are in the grip of addiction, suffering from a personality disorder or dealing with any affliction that causes them to struggle with accountability. This episode is about when it makes sense to try to have a conversation with someone who sees the world from a very different vantage point, even if it feels exhausting or hopeless.

This is a talk about things that are so ingrained we don’t question them. Maybe it’s the way you’re going about your day, the process by which you get things done, or stories you have about yourself or other people that are so old, they feel like “the way things are” and not like something that needs examination. It’s just the water we swim in, until one day, we realize maybe we’ve been swimming against the current for a very long time.

Come As You Are is a reader/listener-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Today's talk is about the value in doing the wild and unexpected thing sometimes. It's about our tendency to make plans, to stick to our schedules and set alerts in our phones, even as we know all our careful plans can be turned upside down at any moment. It's about motherhood and remembering who you were before small people started calling you Mom, and it's about getting to know yourself again when those small people grow taller than you. It's about perimenopause, uncertainty and embracing adventure when it comes your way. Thanks for spending some time with me.

This episode is about the pendulum of the mind and how it swings into the past with longing and regret, and into the future with fear and anxiety, skipping over the present moment which is the only place where peace is available. It's about longing, insecurity, comparing and contrasting, obsessing, intrusive thoughts, our crazy culture, and how to break the cycle. Sometimes you have to break the cycle several times a day, but it's a worthwhile undertaking because there's so much beauty in the world, and it would be such a shame to miss it.

This episode is for people who struggle to ask for help, and/or the people who love them. Why is it so tough for some of us to admit we're struggling and could use some support? What's the fear? I dug into it.

This episode is about the things we lose along the way, like sets of keys, childhood toys, beloved pets, and most painfully, people. It's also about attachment, non-attachment, vulnerability, loss, and the insight gained by letting go.

This episode is about loss, grief, uncertainty and time. It's about the idea that time is folding in on itself and every version of you that has ever existed is still running through the hallways of your mind and heart. Sometimes you catch glimpses of your younger selves when the light is just right. And sometimes letting go is the key to opening and surprising yourself so you can ride the waves with joy and curiosity instead of fear.

This episode highlights the difference between loving people and trying to save them. If you've ever tried to save another person from their own internal demons, you know it can't be done. Love, support, kindness, rooting on and showing up certainly help, but if you start to think you can make everything okay for another person, you're in trouble, too.

This episode is about attachment styles, relationships, communication, and the particular pain that ensues when an anxiously attached person is chasing after a person who finds intimacy terrifying. It's a conversation about times when we've betrayed ourselves by accepting treatment that doesn't feel okay, or convinced ourselves to stay even when we know we have to leave. It's also about understanding yourself, and developing a relationship with all the younger versions of you that are still running through the halls.

This episode is about our collective state of fight or flight and the way it shows up on the internet. It's a conversation about the actions that help make the world a more peaceful place, and the actions that contribute to feelings of utter hopelessness and depression. And it's about the power of starting with the world that exists within each one of us, creating more peace, tolerance and compassion there, and turning all of that outward.

This episode is about the stories we tell ourselves. Sometimes we have a story about why we are the way we are, why things are the way they are or why someone else is the way they are ... and our stories are wrong. Or maybe they aren't wrong, but they're old, they're a narrative we're carrying around that might have been useful at one time but no longer is. Sometimes people are casting us as the villain in their story or we're casting ourselves as the hero or victim. We're wired for stories, but sometimes it's good to take a look at the stories we carry.

A talk about perspective. We all see the world from our own personal vantage point, based on our own frame of reference. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking what’s obvious to me will be obvious to anyone else looking out at the world. When I get in my car after my son has driven it, I have to move the seat forward and adjust all the mirrors because he’s a lot taller than I am, and literally sees things from a different angle. It would help if we remembered that’s everyone - we all need to be adjusting for our own blind spots, and everyone else’s. This is also a talk about communication, and the value of speaking from your heart even if you have to move through some fear and anxiety to do that. It’s about your relationship with mistakes (yes, you have one) kindness, and the way grief can knock you sideways at any time at all, even while you’re recording a podcast.

This episode is about goodbyes. They aren't easy, but they're part of life. We lose people through death, or because we come to a fork in the road and one person goes one way, the other, another. It hurts. If you have fear of abandonment or struggle with goodbyes, if you're dealing with grief due to the loss of a loved one for any reason, maybe this will help.

This episode is about how far back you in time you have to travel to find the moment when you first doubted whether you were worthy of love, or wondered if something essential was broken inside you. It's about how you heal if the break began in your mother and was passed down to you, along with genes. It's about mother loss and mother rage and the pain of heading out into the world as a girl if your mother cannot or does not have your back, whatever the reason. It's also about predatory men, finding your voice and learning how to be a wild woman in this world. It's about forgiveness, healing, and finding your pack. It's about raising all daughters to roar.

This episode is about why I dislike the phrase "everything happens for a reason" or any other sayings that have the potential to make someone who is suffering feel alienated on top of it. We really love to make everything make sense, and sometimes we contort ourselves to try to cram everything that befalls us into the gratitude column. Spiritual bypassing, toxic positivity, religious or spiritual beliefs that create division and pain rather than tolerance and compassion are all discussed. Ultimately it's good to consider what we think is happening here on earth and what we think happens next, but to do that with a healthy dose of humility, and maybe even humor. All are welcome.

This episode is about change, and particularly change you didn't ask for or didn't see coming. It's also about the nature of life and its constant fluctuations, it's about all the loss we face as we enter the middle years or the middle of the story, and how to ride the ride without gripping the wheel. It's about letting yourself feel your feelings, and how best to navigate times of groundlessness and uncertainty.

This episode is about communication, and particularly, how to communicate with people who don't make it easy. Maybe you have someone in your life who can never be wrong, who can never say they're sorry. Maybe you love an addict or you have someone in your sphere who doesn't seem to feel empathy or is more attached to their narrative than they are to resolving conflict. If you've ever spent time trying to make a person "see the light" by writing the perfect email or saying just the right thing, if you've banged your head against the wall or cried yourself to sleep about it, this episode is for you.

This episode is about the gift of meditation and how it can be so helpful in bringing to the surface the feelings that might really need our kind attention. Sometimes those feelings are physical and sometimes they're emotional, but understanding yourself and having compassion for yourself are two ways to make the journey easier. This episode is also about the middle years, the Sandwich Generation, peri-menopause and hormones and vulnerability and loss ... and how all of this can be a gift if you open to it.

This episode is about the tendency to try to make everything okay for everyone else all the time, and about how futile, exhausting and sometimes annoying it can be. It's about overcoming that tendency and learning how to shift the focus back onto our own feelings, which are the only feelings we can truly manage. It's about trusting our loved ones to be able to handle some of the more uncomfortable feelings like disappointment, anxiety, etc, and learning how to be there without trying to fix everything or save anyone. It's also about parenting!

This episode is all about relationships. Intimate relationships, those we have with our closest friends, but also our relationship with time, with our own work, with people we meet in passing, and the one we're having with ourselves. It's a conversation about shifting the way we think about relationships so that there's less fear and more freedom.

This episode is about relationships, dating, post-divorce dating with kids in the mix, overcoming the tendency to try to make everything okay for everyone else all the time, boundaries, holidays, dysfunctional family dynamics and more.

This episode is about longing and childhood wounds, and how they can wreak havoc in our adult relationships. Sometimes we tolerate love that hurts because it feels like home. If you've ever been in a soul-crushing relationship where you struggled to leave, or watched someone else grapple with that painful experience, this is for you.

A talk about intense pain, but also the feeling of incredible, joyous relief when pain releases its grip on us. This topic was brought on by a migraine, but it also applies to heartbreak, grief and rage. It’s exhausting to be in a conversation about a woman’s worth in 2024. It’s enraging to see women and girls in so many states having their lives put in peril. It is not right that we’re having to fight for an equal amount of respect and dignity, still. This episode is about the boiling waters we’re swimming in right now, but it’s also about the relief of calling things what they are, and demanding a lot better than this.

Is time linear or is it folding in on itself? What happens when you're pulled out of the normal timeline of your life due to tragedy? What tethers you? This episode is about trauma, loss and grief, but it's also about time.

This episode is about complicated familial relationships and the complicated grief that can follow when you lose someone who wasn't always easy to have in your life, but whom you loved nonetheless.

If the holidays are hard, this episode is all about the different ways to be gentle with yourself, and create boundaries and your own traditions when needed.

A talk about growing up as a girl and then a woman in a culture where violence against girls and women is so prevalent it’s normalized, and perpetrators are often given more consideration than the people they’ve hurt.

“It Doesn’t Matter” is my answer to the questions:

What was she wearing?

How much had she had to drink?

What was her sexual history?

and also -

What about his promising future?

This is not an episode to listen to with small children in the background.

Thanks for listening to Come As You Are! This podcast is public so feel free to share it.