Explorez tous les épisodes du podcast Beyond Survival - The Therapy Podcast with Katie McKenna

Are you mad at me?  Did I do something wrong?

If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, your body learned to scan everything.

The shift in tone, the sigh, the silence that means you’re in trouble. 

You got very good at spotting it, because your survival depended on it.

This week I’m joined by my friend Kristen Carter, host of the I Have ADHD podcast, and author of the new book You’re Not in Trouble: The ADHD Guide to Building Healthy, Connected Relationships. 

To me, Kristen’s book speaks to something deeper than ADHD. It speaks to the relational wound so many of us carry from childhood: the belief that being in trouble is the default, and connection has to be earned.

If you’ve ever lived braced for the next “what did you do?”, this conversation is for you. 

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You're fluent in everyone's emotional language except your own.

If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, you probably have a PhD in reading other people. You can spot a shift in their mood, anticipate what they need, and know exactly which version of yourself keeps the peace.

But what about your own thesis? What do you feel, want and need?

The clench of your jaw when a friend cancels again. The lump you swallow down when a comment lands. The sting of resentment after yet another yes you didn't mean. Your body has been speaking all along. In this episode, we start listening.

This isn't about overanalysing yourself. It's about getting curious, trusting what your body tells you, and slowly building a relationship with the person you were never allowed to be.

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"It really made me feel like it was a kind of Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde kind of life."

For two weeks of every month, Dr. Shubhangi Karmakar was thriving: studying medicine, completing a master's, and researching PMDD. 

The other two weeks of the month, they wanted to crawl out of their skin, and wondered what the point of it all was.

In this episode, we talk about PMDD – premenstrual dysphoric disorder – a severe hormonal mood disorder. 

Dr. Shubhangi is a practising clinician, psychiatry researcher, and barrister in Ireland, and they brings both their clinical expertise and their lived experience to the conversation.

We explore what PMDD can look like, from depression, hopelessness, and anxiety to sudden rage, exhaustion, sleep and appetite changes, and difficulty concentrating. 

We also talk about how it affects relationships and your sense of self, the relief that comes when symptoms lift, and why every person's experience is different. 

Whether you suspect you have PMDD, have a diagnosis, or want to support a friend, sister, partner, or daughter, this conversation offers understanding, validation, and practical next steps.

Resources mentioned, including a free, evidence-based PMDD self-assessment you can bring to your clinician, are linked in the show notes.

Form:

Gold Standard - Severity of Symptoms

Websites:

IAPMD.org

Clinics / Services:

Marblearchhealth.com

Drummartin Clinic

Kingsbridge Private Hospital

The Menopause hub

Well Woman Centre

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A narcissistic parent hands their child a mirror. 

The child job is to hold it up and reflect back whatever the parent needs to see. 

Beside it, the parent paints a canvas and says: this is you. Selfish. Difficult. Ungrateful. Cold. Unlovable.

None of that was ever you.

In this episode, I pull apart what it means to grow up invisible. Behind the mirror and behind that ugly painted canvas, there's a blank one. 

It isn't blank because there's nothing there. It's blank because you were never allowed to find out.

I explore why:

• You don't know what you actually feel, only what's "allowed"
• You mistake self-erasure for being "easygoing" or "low-maintenance"
• You confuse being needed with being loved
• You can't trust what happened until someone else confirms it.

You get to exist. Not for anyone else's benefit. For yours.

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Have you ever found yourself wondering, “Why is he doing this?”

You replay the argument. Question what you said. 

Apologise when you’re not even sure what you’ve done wrong. 

You explain away the silence, the accusations, the sudden shifts in mood.

He was stressed. He had a bad day. I could have said it differently.

But what happens when you stop looking at each moment on its own — and start looking at the pattern?

In this week’s episode of Beyond Survival, I’m joined by Lundy Bancroft, who has spent more than 30 years working with abusive men and their families and is the author of 'Why Does He Do That? - Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men'

Lundy describes an abusive man as operating a little like a magician. The trick isn’t necessarily what he’s doing — it’s where he gets you to look.

While you’re focused on his feelings, his anger, his wounds and what you might have done to cause them, you can lose sight of what’s actually happening.

This conversation is about stepping back from the confusion of individual moments and noticing what happens when you look at them together.

Because sometimes, the things that are hardest to see are the things we’ve been living with for so long that they simply feel normal.

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In this solo episode I tackle the complex topic of grief. 

If you grew up in a narcissistic or dysfunctional family
system, the first roadblock to this grief is often minimising it. 

“It wasn't that bad”

“Other people had it worse” 

“I've nothing to complain about"

We say this so automatically, that we never even get to the feeling underneath it.

In the episode, I use an example that might surprise you —
Ireland's colonization, and what happened when we were denied our own language.

I know that sounds like a strange place to start a therapy podcast, but stay with me, because the parallel is exact: a narcissistic parent does the same thing to a child. 

They deny you the language of yourself — your own feelings, wants, preferences, boundaries — until you're so disconnected from them that you don't even know they were ever yours to have. 

And it's hard to grieve something you never knew you were missing.

This episode goes deeper into the invisible child, the cruelty of the inner critic, and how to start giving yourself the compassion you never got.

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In this episode, I speak with Irish psychologist and author A.J. Cosgrave about her deeply personal book, If You Knew Me Would You Love Me?, and her experience of living with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder.

DID is a condition that is often misunderstood, sensationalised, or reduced to the way it is portrayed in films and television. A.J.’s story offers something very different: an honest, thoughtful and remarkably accessible insight into what living with DID can actually look like.

We talk about her own journey, the realities and challenges of living with dissociation, the process of integration and recovery, and the importance of approaching the condition — and the people who live with it — with empathy rather than fear or stigma.

This conversation about identity, trauma, understanding ourselves and others, and ultimately learning to meet complexity with kindness and courage.

Buy - 'If You Knew Me Would You Love Me? - click here

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Guilt is a natural emotional response. It can tell us when we've done something that doesn't align with our values and prompt us to repair, take responsibility and make things right.

But when guilt becomes excessive, it can become a heavy burden — creating an overwhelming sense of expectation and responsibility that isn't actually yours to carry.

In this final episode of the FOG — Fear, Obligation and Guilt — I look at what happens when guilt becomes the driving force behind your decisions.

You feel obligated to do something, and when you consider saying no, the guilt arrives before you've even made a decision.

You assume you've done something wrong.

You worry you've hurt someone.

You feel guilty for having needs, setting boundaries, disappointing someone or even thinking about saying no.

And so you give in.

Not because you want to — but because the fear of feeling guilty becomes more powerful than your own wants, needs or judgement.

If you grew up in an emotionally immature or emotionally abusive family, you may have learned to take responsibility for other people's feelings while questioning your own.

In this episode, I explore why guilt can become so powerful, how it gets tangled up with obligation and people-pleasing, and how to recognise when guilt is giving you useful information — and when it's controlling your choices.

Because feeling guilty doesn't always mean you've done something wrong.

Sometimes, it simply means you're doing something differently.

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Why saying no can feel selfish, even when you're exhausted from putting everyone else first.

If you grew up with an emotionally immature, narcissistic, or emotionally abusive parent, you may have learned early that other people's needs come before your own.

That learned sense of obligation can follow you into adulthood — shaping your relationships, parenting, boundaries and decisions. And obligation and guilt often go hand in hand: you feel you should do something, and when you consider saying no, your inner critic tells you you're selfish, difficult or letting someone down.

In this episode, I explore people-pleasing, guilt, obligation and the fear of conflict, and why you may find yourself over-explaining, justifying your needs or taking responsibility for other people's feelings.

Because having a need doesn't make you selfish.

And saying no doesn't make you a bad person.

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For anyone who experienced a childhood in which emotional safely or physical safety weren't consistent, stable and predictable, Fear, Obligation and Guilt — will be the dominant emotions controlling their behaviour and decision making.

In this episode, I focus on Fear and how The FOG keeps adult children stuck in survival mode, and why fight, flight, freeze and fawn becomes our automatic responses.

I look at what happens when these survival responses are still running the show in your adult relationships — from shutting down in the middle of an argument, to lashing out, giving in, apologising when you don't need to, or putting everyone else's needs before your own.

Most importantly, I look at how to recognise these patterns in real time, rather than only understanding them intellectually or seeing them once the moment has passed.

Because the goal isn't simply to understand why you react the way you do.

It's learning that you have a choice now.

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What happens when you realise your relationship with your mother has been shaped by emotional parentification, enmeshment, and emotional abuse?

In this week’s letter, a 48-year-old woman shares how much of her identity and behaviour was shaped around managing her mother’s needs. After setting boundaries and working through childhood trauma in therapy, she begins to recognise the familiar cycle of guilt, gaslighting, victimhood, emotional manipulation, and rewriting history.

Now she faces a question many adult children of toxic parents wrestle with: “Am I the cold, heartless bitch for not wanting to fly to her side and become her caregiver if she needs help?”

This episode explores narcissistic mothers, emotionally immature parents, parentification, enmeshment, toxic family dynamics, boundaries, estrangement, caregiver guilt, and complicated grief—and offers reassurance to anyone who has spent a lifetime questioning whether protecting themselves makes them a bad person.

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A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing – When Your Mother Won't Protect You 

"I always thought my mom was the softer, kind parent."

"She would tell me to just ignore it, or apologise"

After finally setting boundaries with her abusive stepfather, this weeks listener faces a painful new reality: her mother still refuses to acknowledge the harm she experienced and instead pressures her to forgive, reconnect, and keep the peace.

As she struggles with guilt, grief, family exclusion, and the possibility of going low contact or no contact with her mother, she asks a deeply painful question: How do you navigate a relationship with a mother who didn't protect you—and how do you manage the guilt if you choose to walk away?

This episode explores childhood emotional abuse, family trauma, maternal invalidation, toxic family dynamics, setting boundaries with parents, estrangement, guilt, and the difficult journey of healing from an abusive childhood.

When Your Mother Won’t Protect You: Setting Boundaries After Childhood Abuse

Book: If You Knew Me, Would You Love Me? 

Author: A.J. Cosgrave

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How do I build and maintain a boundaried relationship with narcissistic parents?

Or am I mad for even wanting to try?

This week, a listener asks: What happens when the parents who hurt you are finally trying — but still fall back into the same old patterns?

After years of being parentified, emotionally manipulated, and punished whenever she tried to assert her independence – this weeks listener went no contact and it gave her the space she needed to heal. She's learned to regulate herself, break old patterns, and show up differently in her own relationships and as a parent.

But now comes the hard part.

Her parents went to family therapy for 9 months – and the picture is mixed. She can now see the manipulation as it happens, rather than weeks later. There are signs of genuine effort, but the old patterns still emerge when they feel challenged or don't get what they want. 

In this episode, Ruth and I explore the complexities of reconnecting after estrangement, how to distinguish genuine change from attempts to regain access, and what it means to maintain boundaries when someone is making an effort but still isn't able to fully take accountability.

We also explore neurodivergence, intergenerational trauma, parentification, and the difficult question at the heart of this letter: How do I build and maintain a boundaried relationship with narcissistic parents that includes my children?

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"I feel stupid for tolerating it for so long"

This week's listener grew up in a narcissistic evangelical family where religion was used to justify fear, control and abuse. 

As the eldest child, she became a high-achiever, believing that self-sacrifice and obedience were the keys to love and acceptance.

Decades later, after her sister disclosed childhood sexual abuse by their father, everything changed. 

Therapy, reporting her own abuse and finally leaving her own coercive and abusive marriage brought freedom—but also devastating loss when another sister chose to defend the perpetrator instead.

Katie and Ruth explore why some siblings remain loyal to abusive parents.

How narcissistic family systems operate like cults. 

And why so many survivors unknowingly repeat abusive patterns in adulthood. 

You're not alone — and this episode explains why.

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SERVE  – My Lost Years At The Heart of Opus Dei – by Anne Marie Allen 

Uncultured – A memoir of growing up in a Cult – by Daniella Mestyanek Young

MonteMader on Instagram - Platform on deconstructing Christian Nationalism

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When you finally find the strength to go no contact with abusive parents, it can feel like the hardest decision you'll ever make. 

But what when of those parents becomes seriously ill?

This week we hear from a listener who spent decades trying to make sense of life with a covertly narcissistic mother and an enabling father before choosing to protect herself and her own family through estrangement. 

Over time, things have quietened, but the attempts to provoke contact have never fully stopped.

And then a brief letter arrives revealing her father's diagnosis, bringing with it an unexpected wave of grief, guilt and emotional conflict.

Together, Ruth and I explore one of the most painful questions adult children of narcissistic families face: 

Does a parent's illness change anything? 

Are boundaries possible?

Can you hold compassion for someone's suffering while still protecting yourself from further harm? 

If you've ever questioned your decision to remain no contact, worried that illness means you "should" go back, or struggled with the guilt that can surface when an abusive parent becomes vulnerable, this episode offers understanding, validation, and a compassionate framework for navigating one of the most emotionally complex situations adult survivors can face.

www.callaghancounselling.ie

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What happens when the behaviours that hurt you look similar to traits associated with autism or ADHD?

Where is the line between someone struggling because they're neurodivergent and someone causing harm through narcissistic patterns?

In this episode, we explore the important differences between intention, impact, empathy, accountability, and "own agenda" behaviour. 

We also talk about why understanding someone's neurodivergence doesn't require you to minimise your own experience or abandon the boundaries you've worked so hard to build.

If you've ever found yourself questioning whether the person who hurt you was narcissistic, neurodivergent, or both, this conversation will help you bring more clarity to a topic that is often misunderstood.

www.callaghancounselling.ie

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For many children raised by narcissistic parents, their body becomes another battleground where they learn that who they are is never quite acceptable. 

Too thin? There's a problem.

Too heavy? There's a problem.

Trying to improve yourself? That's a problem too.

" I always felt that I disappointed my parents and they didn't like me."

"I always went from chunky to super skinny and kept moving back and forth with my weight."

"As an adult now, I'm an emotional eater. Food is my comfort."

"I don't drink or use any substances but when it comes to eating I just struggle." 

"When I feel even a bit hungry I start to panic like the food will not be there later." 

If you've spent years blaming yourself for emotional eating, binge eating, constantly thinking about food, or feeling out of control around eating, this episode may help you understand something important:

What if your relationship with food isn't really about food at all?

Many adult children of narcissistic, emotionally immature, or dysfunctional parents grow up believing they have a lack of willpower. They tell themselves they're lazy, undisciplined, or simply incapable of maintaining healthy habits.

But often, what looks like a food problem is actually a nervous system problem.  

In this week's episode Dr. Ruth Callaghan and I, dive deep into this weeks letter of a listener of growing up with a narcissistic mother, an enabling father, family alcoholism, religious dysfunction, and a childhood where food became tangled up with love, safety, criticism, and survival.

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www.Bodywhys.ie

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In this episode, Katie & Ruth hear from a listener in the "raw stages of estrangement" – navigating the grief, fear, and disorientation that can come when the reality of a dysfunctional family system finally comes into focus.

After years of minimising and carrying the impact of her father's emotional abuse, aggression, and physical violence – everything changed when that same behaviour was directed towards their young child. 

Faced with a choice between protecting family relationships or protecting her child – she chose to break a cycle that had been running for generations.

If you're currently navigating the painful early stages of estrangement, or questioning whether you're doing the right thing by choosing distance from harmful family dynamics, this conversation offers validation, understanding, and a reminder that protecting your children often begins with protecting yourself.

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What happens when the parent who always refused accountability finally agrees to therapy?

In this episode, Ruth and Katie explore the complex realities of dysfunctional family systems, the difference between reconciliation and repair, the risks and potential benefits of family therapy with a narcissistic or emotionally immature parent, and we delve deep into the pressure many adult children face to "keep the peace" from extended family – at the expense of their own wellbeing.

If you've ever wondered whether attending one final conversation is an act of self-respect or self-betrayal, this episode is for you.

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"Do as I say and you can stay. Piss me off and you are out."

That was the message our listener received throughout her childhood.

In this powerful letter, she reflects on growing up with a mother who repeatedly used the threat of abandonment to maintain control — leaving her with severe anxiety, a deep fear of rejection, and the sense that love could be withdrawn at any moment.

Now a parent herself, she finds herself facing a different challenge. As she sets boundaries to protect her children, her mother accuses her of being angry, difficult to love, and responsible for breaking up the family. At the same time, she appears increasingly focused on building relationships with her grandchildren while refusing to address the hurt in her relationship with her daughter.

In this episode, we explore abandonment as a form of narcissistic abuse, the impact of growing up with conditional love, and why protecting your children can sometimes bring old family dynamics into sharp focus. We also discuss the grief of accepting that some parents are more invested in access than accountability — and what healing can look like when repair isn't possible.

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In this week episode, I’m joined by Michelle from ADAPT Domestic Abuse Services for a vital conversation about domestic abuse and coercive control:

• How it can look in real life
• Why it can be so hard to recognise when you’re inside it
• and what support can make possible.

Michelle brings years of frontline experience supporting women experiencing domestic abuse through outreach, education, family law court support, and recovery groups across Limerick. 

Together, we talk about the patterns of coercive control, the impact abuse can have on your sense of self and safety, and some of the reasons people can feel trapped, confused, or unable to name what’s happening.

This episode is for anyone wanting a clearer picture of how coercive control works behind closed doors. We also explore the importance of community awareness and the role support can play in helping someone move from survival toward safety and recovery.

www.adaptservices.ie 

Phone ADAPT - 1 800 200 504

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If you’ve ever wondered, “Am I overreacting, or was that not okay?” — this episode is for you.

For many survivors of narcissistic abuse, the question “Can I trust my own perception?” sits quietly at the centre of healing — shaping how you think, feel, and relate to yourself and others.

In this episode, I shift the focus away from analysing the narcissist and bring it back to you — your internal world. Because while understanding the abuse is essential, staying stuck in that analysis can keep you disconnected from the very thing that was taken from you: trust in yourself.

In this solo episode, I talk about 4 ways your body and nervous system send you signals: chronic confusion, the “ick,” the physical sensation of feeling small or put down, and the urge to fawn or appease.

This episode is an invitation to begin moving your internal compass back where it belongs — inside you.

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In this solo episode, I dive deep into the fear so many people carry after narcissistic abuse: Is it me – Am I The problem? 

When you’ve spent years being blamed, criticised, or made responsible for someone else’s behaviour, it’s so common to question yourself deeply. But there’s a huge difference between being human and being narcissistic.

In this episode I'll explore how many survivors swing the pendulum completely the other way — becoming so afraid of being selfish, demanding, or “too much” that they stop taking up space altogether. They struggle to say no, change their mind, express needs, or even protest hurtful sarcasm because they fear centring themselves in the way the narcissist did.

This episode is about reclaiming healthy space. Learning that you are allowed to have boundaries, opinions, needs, and limits without it making you narcissistic.

 You have the right to say no, to change your mind, to speak up when something hurts, and to exist fully in your relationships — not through dominance & control, but through self-respect and emotional health.

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ADHD is something many people have heard of. You may know someone who has been diagnosed. You may already have a diagnosis, or maybe you’ve quietly wondered if it could explain parts of your life that have always felt harder than they should.

For a lot of people, the story sounds like this: “This is just me. I’m scattered. I’m forgetful. I start things and don’t finish them. I’m bad at routines.”
And over time, those patterns can become identity.

In this episode, I’m joined by Dr. Sarah Carthy, who specialises in ADHD, to unpack what ADHD can actually look like in real life — especially in girls and women, where it so often goes unseen and misunderstood.

Because ADHD doesn’t always look like the stereotype.

It can look like being high-functioning on the outside but overwhelmed on the inside.
It can look like chronic procrastination, emotional intensity, people-pleasing, or burnout.
It can look like constantly trying to “keep up” with a world that feels just slightly out of sync with how your brain works.

And for many women, it goes undiagnosed for years.

Instead, it gets labelled as anxiety.
Or sensitivity.
Or “just the way you are.”

In this conversation, we explore:

• The different ways ADHD presents, particularly beyond the hyperactive stereotype
• Why so many girls and women are missed or misdiagnosed
• The emotional impact of living without answers
• How ADHD can shape self-worth, relationships, and daily functioning

I also share my own personal journey with ADHD — what led me to explore it, what shifted when I began to understand it, and my experience with medication.

Because this isn’t just about diagnosis.
It’s about knowledge.
It’s about context.
It’s about recognising that some of the things you’ve been blaming yourself for, have never been character flaws to begin with.

Dr Sarah Carthy: www.adhddoc.ie

www.irelandadhd.ie

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Adult children of narcissists parents often struggle to name what happened to them.

In this episode, I’m joined again by Dr. Rachna Buxani, and we’re exploring the different faces of narcissism — and why it can be so hard to recognise. 

While many people can spot the grandiose narcissist — the constant need to be the centre of attention, the arrogance, the lack of empathy — it’s the other, quieter forms of narcissism, that often go unnoticed and can be most confusing.

In this episode we explore more covert (or vulnerable) narcissism—the “poor me” dynamic, where someone positions themselves as the victim, appearing sensitive or misunderstood, while quietly centring everything around their own needs. 

This can show up as guilt-tripping, emotional withdrawal, stonewalling and blame-shifting that leaves you feeling responsible for their pain.

We also look at communal narcissism — where the narcissist is widely seen as generous and selfless. They can be deeply admired in their community, yet behind closed doors it's a complexity different story. There is a constant need for admiration, validation and control. This makes the relationship confusing and one-sided — and you doubt yourself, especially when your experience doesn’t match how the world sees them.

This conversation about making sense of what you’ve lived through — so you can begin to rebuild self-trust, set boundaries, and reconnect with your voice.

Unseen - A Therapist's Reflection on a Daughter's Journey Through a Narcissistic Father's Shadow

Dr. Rachna Buxani-Mirpuri

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Becoming a mother is often spoken about as a time of softness. A time where a mother is held, supported, celebrated. Where care naturally gathers around her.

But for many adult children of narcissistic parents, pregnancy and having their own children can feel like the exact opposite.

Instead of support, there can be intrusion.
Instead of care, there can be control.
Instead of being seen, there can be a sudden and overwhelming sense of being claimed.

In this week’s episode of Beyond Survival – The Therapy Podcast, I’m joined by Kristin Morgan, who brings over a decade of experience in maternal mental health and reproductive psychology. Together, we explore the emotional complexity that can arise when an adult child steps into motherhood while still navigating a relationship with a narcissistic parent.

Because for many, pregnancy doesn’t just mark the beginning of a new life — it marks the re-emergence of old patterns.

Contact Kristin: www.morgancounsel.com 

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When you’re raised by a narcissistic parent, the harm doesn’t come labelled as abuse.

 It comes wrapped in concern, protection, closeness, and sacrifice. “This is for your own good.” “I’m only saying this because I love you.” 

Over time, these messages don’t just justify the behaviour — they shape how you understand yourself.

In this episode, I unpack one of the most confusing and painful questions for adult children: How did I not know it was abuse? 

The reason you didn’t see it wasn’t because you missed something. It’s because it was never meant to be seen.

Through real-life examples, this episode breaks down the subtle ways narcissistic abuse hides in plain sight — from criticism framed as care, to control framed as protection, to emotional enmeshment disguised as closeness. I also look at why, even in adulthood, so many adults continue to turn the blame inward — and why that response makes sense.

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There is such a thing as Healthy Anger — but if you grew up around narcissistic rage, that can feel hard to believe.

In this solo episode, I untangle the belief many adult children of narcissistic parents carry: the learned belief that anger is dangerous, destructive, or something to fear within yourself. 

When anger was only ever modelled as explosive outbursts or cold withdrawal, it makes sense that your system learned to shut it down entirely — or to associate it with shame.

I explore the crucial difference between anger, aggression, and rage. My hope is that you’ll begin to see anger —  not as something that turns you into “them” — but as a clean, protective signal from your nervous system. A signal that something matters. That something isn’t right. That something is wrong or unfair or unjustified. 

Our Healthy Anger signals to us that we deserve care, respect, and boundaries. That we exist. That we matter.

I also look at narcissistic rage — what drives it, why it feels so destabilising, and why it was never actually about you.

This is a steady, clarifying conversation about reclaiming anger as something safe, informative, and deeply self-respecting. Not something to act out — but something you’re allowed to feel.

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Anyone listening to an abusive parent in action can easily interpret the other parent’s silence as safety. Because they don’t join in, they can appear to be “the good parent” — the one who feels more trustworthy, more stable, more protective.

But silence in these dynamics is rarely neutral.

In this episode, I explore the often-overlooked role of the passive or non-abusive parent — and how their inaction, minimisation, or inability to protect can shape a child’s experience just as deeply. I discuss the confusion this creates, the loyalty binds it reinforces, and the long-term impact it can have on how safety, trust, and relationships are understood in adulthood.

This is a compassionate, nuanced conversation — not about blame, but about seeing clearly what was missing, so you can begin to make sense of your experience with more honesty and self-trust.

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When you grow up in a narcissistic family, you don’t get the space to become yourself. Your wants are dismissed, your needs are overlooked, and your boundaries are annihilated. So in healing, we’re not just recovering — we’re learning who we are for the first time.

One part of identity that often gets left out of this conversation is sexuality and desire.

For many people, this area is deeply impacted. A narcissistic parent can blur boundaries, sexualise, shame and create confusion around sex, sexuality and desire. And that can leave you feeling disconnected from your body, your desires, and your sense of agency.

In this episode, I’m joined by sex educator and intimacy coach Grace Alice OShea to explore sexuality in a way that feels safe, grounded, and shame-free. 

We talk about how early experiences shape our relationship with sex and intimacy, and how to begin reconnecting with yourself—at your own pace, in your own way.

This is a gentle, honest conversation to help you release shame, understand your experience, and begin to reclaim this part of yourself.

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When raised in a narcissistic system, sibling bonds can become both a lifeline and a source of deep emotional strain. 

In todays letter, we discuss the often unspoken dynamic of sibling abuse, trauma bonding, family roles, addiction, and the emotional toll of being the cycle breaker. 

Ruth and I explore what happens when one sibling begins the healing journey — setting boundaries, going no contact, and breaking generational cycles — while others remain caught in addiction, mental health struggles, and unresolved trauma. 

There’s often the guilt of leaving. The pressure to rescue. The cost of being cast as “the strong one.” And the heartbreak of watching siblings suffer while trying to protect your own peace.

Growing up in a home marked by alcoholism, narcissistic parenting, domestic violence, neglect, and abuse, today’s story reflects what many adult children of dysfunctional families quietly carry. 

It also speaks to the reality of holding compassion without self-abandonment, especially when your own healing, your children, and your nervous system need to come first.

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “How do I support my siblings without losing myself?”—this conversation offers a grounded, trauma-aware space to reflect on that question.

Because healing doesn’t mean you stop caring.
But it does ask you to choose where your responsibility begins — and ends.

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This week a listener describes what it was like to grow up largely invisible and also scapegoated, while their older sister held the role of the golden child. 

With a covertly narcissistic mother and an overtly narcissistic father, achievements, independence, and curiosity were mocked rather than celebrated, while approval always seemed just out of reach. Praise was offered to strangers, but rarely, if ever, directly to the child who longed to hear it.

The story also touches on boundary violations, body shaming, and the subtle but powerful ways children learn to survive within dysfunctional systems — becoming the “good child,” the high achiever, the one who stays quiet and contained in order to maintain stability.

But the dynamics didn’t stay in childhood. When this listener became a parent and began setting boundaries, the family system escalated in ways that will feel painfully familiar to many who grew up in similar environments.

If you grew up in a family where love felt conditional, where roles were rigid, or where your reality was often dismissed, this story may resonate deeply.

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Did I do the right thing? Am I being unreasonable?

This week we hear from a listener who grew up with a controlling father who monitored finances, belittled her mother, mocked her intelligence, and ruled the house with, “If you live under my roof, you do as I say.” 

She became the responsible daughter. The fixer. The emotional support system. The one who stayed close.

After decades of being pulled into her parents’ toxic marriage, she set a boundary: Don’t involve me in your disputes anymore. 

Her mother apologised. Her father stopped speaking to her. 

In this episode, we explore:

• Growing up with a narcissistic or controlling father
• Being the scapegoat vs. the golden child
• Parentification and becoming the family therapist
• Setting boundaries with narcissistic parents
• The silent treatment as punishment
• Breaking generational trauma when you become a parent
• The grief of unavailable grandparents

If you were the “responsible one.”
If you were triangulated into your parents’ conflict.
If you’ve ever been punished for having boundaries.
If becoming a mum or dad made you realise just how unhealthy your childhood was.

This conversation will feel painfully familiar — and deeply validating.

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In this episode, we’re exploring The Fawn response through the experience of a listener who grew up in a home shaped by addiction, conflict and emotional unpredictability.

With siblings who needed significant care, he learned very early that the safest way to exist was to be low maintenance. Mature. Independent. No trouble. 

He became highly attuned to other people’s moods — scanning faces, tracking tone shifts, apologising first, and doing whatever was needed to prevent arguments.

What looked like kindness was survival.

As a child, it made sense. If he didn’t add pressure, maybe things wouldn’t escalate. If he helped enough, maybe everyone would be okay. But that strategy followed him into adulthood — struggling to say no, feeling responsible for other people’s reactions, being taken advantage of in friendships, and experiencing intense guilt whenever he tries to put himself first.

Even after years of practising boundaries, saying no still brings anxiety and a powerful urge to go back and fix things when someone is disappointed. Choosing himself doesn’t feel freeing — it feels wrong.

In this episode, we unpack people pleasing, the nervous system roots of the fawn response, and why guilt often intensifies when you stop self-abandoning. We explore why boundaries can initially feel unsafe — and how healing this pattern isn’t about becoming selfish, but about building safety within yourself.

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If you grew up with a parent who rewrote history, denied conversations that clearly happened and turned every attempt at repair into an explosion… this episode is for you.

In this episode of Beyond Survival – The Therapy Podcast, I read a listener’s story about going low contact, then no contact, after years of gaslighting, DARVO, and emotional manipulation. 

We explore the role of the enabling parent (deflection, minimising, suggests you’re “misremembering” or "mentally unwell") and the physical toll of being disbelieved. And when you finally step away — why does the doubt get louder, not quieter?

We also address the haunting question so many adult children of narcissists carry: “Am I overreacting?” 

If you’ve ever second-guessed your own memory… if you’ve been told you’re too sensitive, mentally unwell, or the problem… if going no contact brought both relief and guilt — this conversation may help you feel less alone.

You’re not crazy for wanting honesty. 

And you’re not cruel for choosing safety.

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A listener writes in with a question that many people carry quietly (and can often feel ashamed for even thinking)

Does life get more peaceful when they die?

This listener was adopted into a family where love was conditional and pain was reframed as devotion. A father who minimised abuse as “loving too much.” A mother whose behaviour ruined milestones. Public humiliation at her wedding. Health crises used as leverage. 

And finally, a breaking point — being told to “fuck off” in front of her eight-year-old daughter, leading her from low contact to no contact.

After years of therapy, anxiety, depression, and recurring dreams about her parents, she asks the question so many adult children of abusive families wonder but rarely say out loud:

Does life get more peaceful when they die?

In this episode, we explore the reality beneath that question — grief without safety, guilt without repair, and what peace actually comes from (and what it doesn’t). 

This is an honest conversation about the trauma of adoption, endings, longing, and reclaiming your nervous system when the relationship was never safe to begin with.

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In this episode, we hear from a 44-year-old listener whose role as “the strong one” began far too early. Raised in the 80s as the eldest of four children to unmarried parents, she grew up learning to stay quiet, stay alert, and stay responsible. With a hard-working, emotionally absent, father and a mother she had to tiptoe around, she was placed into the role of parent long before she had the chance to be a child.

Labelled, blamed, and isolated from friends, she became the family scapegoat — the one everything landed on. That early conditioning followed her into adulthood, where she found herself repeating familiar dynamics in an abusive relationship, feeling like a pawn caught between her partner and her mother.

After finding the courage to leave, circumstances led her back into her mother’s home — and today, as she navigates court proceedings, she names the most frightening reality not as the legal battle, but as continued proximity to her mother.

This episode explores scapegoating, parentification, narcissistic abuse, projection, and the deep nervous-system impact of growing up unsafe — as well as what it means to begin reclaiming choice, agency, and self-trust later in life.

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In this episode, we read a letter from a listener who has spent her life being criticised by her mother — called “stupid,” shamed about her body, and told she was a mistake. When she shared the news of her engagement, her mother ignored her for a week. When she tried to express how hurt she felt, she was accused of “looking for trouble” and acting as if she thought she was better than everyone else.

She’s now considering taking a break from the relationship and is asking a question many adult children quietly carry: Is it okay to step back, even when it’s your mother?
We explore what chronic criticism does to the nervous system, why attempts at repair often get turned back on the child, and how to think about distance or no contact in a way that centres safety, self-trust, and emotional reality — not guilt or obligation.

This episode is for anyone navigating the painful space between longing for a different parent and choosing themselves anyway.

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In this episode we hear from a listener who has navigated years of emotional turmoil within her blended family.

After a life-threatening childbirth, she faced ongoing manipulation, smear campaigns, and boundary violations from her mother-in-law, who sided with her husband’s ex and sought to control their family. 

This powerful story explores the exhaustion of protecting your marriage and family while maintaining your own sense of self, and the ongoing challenge of living your truth in the face of disbelief and manipulation.

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When you leave a narcissistic family system, the separation rarely ends with you. Often, it comes with a quiet guilt for the sibling left behind - and for the children who loved the version of the family you worked so hard to preserve.

In this week’s episode, we reflect on a letter from a listener who shares the painful complexity of this experience. For ten years, she helped her children see the good in her parents - explaining that love could look different, facilitating online contact, and enduring occasional visits that were deeply upsetting for her. She believed she could hold the pain so her children wouldn’t have to.

Now, with no contact in place, her children are grieving grandparents they experienced as kind, and an uncle they experienced as funny. She writes about how hard it is to explain boundaries when you’re still trying to understand them yourself - and the heartbreak of knowing that safety and protecting you kids, doesn’t always feel that way to a child.

This episode explores the layered grief of leaving, the guilt that follows, and the slow, careful work of helping children understand emotional safety - not through blame or character assassination, but through truth, regulation, and compassion.

If you’ve ever questioned whether you did the right thing, or felt torn between protecting your children and breaking their hearts, this conversation is for you.

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Perfectionism can look like competence, control, or high standards, but what often hides underneath is a survival strategy.

In this conversation, I’m joined by,  Podcast Host & Mindset Coach, Claire Fealy to explore how perfectionism hides in plain sight - in our work, relationships, bodies, and inner worlds. We talk about how perfectionism develops as protection, how it keeps us stuck in self-monitoring and self-pressure, and why it can feel so hard to let go of.

Together, we explore what it actually takes to heal and gently disrupt perfectionistic patterns - without forcing change, shaming ourselves, or trying to “fix” who we are. 

This is a conversation about understanding, softening, and creating safety beyond survival.

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Looking Forward 2026

I’m excited to announce that I’ll be running another 6-Week C.A.L.M. Parent Method in February - Doors open January 26th -  Join the Waitlist today.

Here's what some of the parents who completed the course last year have shared:

“Doing The Calmer Parent course was absolutely invaluable” Nicola

“This has been the most impactful course I’ve ever taken” Steph

“I’m sincere when I say my husband and I have repeatedly said this is the best parenting course we’ve ever paid for” Annalisa

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In this episode, I’m joined by psychologist and author Dr Rachna Buxani, whose book Unseen: A Therapist’s Reflection on a Daughter’s Journey Through a Narcissistic Father’s Shadow.

Together, we explore what happens when a father’s love feels more like control than care?

We discuss the impact of growing up in emotional silence, the silent erosion of self-trust, and how a child learns to survive by disconnecting from her own voice. Dr Buxani shares reflections on memory, self-doubt, and the invisible grief of never feeling truly seen by a narcissistic father.

If you’ve ever questioned your own experiences, apologised for having needs, or felt like love was something you had to earn, this episode is for you!

Looking Forward 2026

I’m excited to announce that I’ll be running another 6-Week C.A.L.M. Parent Method in February - Doors open January 26th -  Join the Waitlist today.

Here's what some of the parents who completed the course last year have shared:

“Doing The Calmer Parent course was absolutely invaluable” Nicola

“This has been the most impactful course I’ve ever taken” Steph

“I’m sincere when I say my husband and I have repeatedly said this is the best parenting course we’ve ever paid for” Annalisa

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In this episode, I’m joined by Dr. Natalie Fabert to explore a question I often return to: What if a narcissistic family system operates like a cult?

When we hear the word cult, it can conjure images of something extreme, distant, or dramatic, something that happens to other people. But what if a cult simply describes a system. A system where one person’s reality becomes the only acceptable reality. Where it’s “my way or the highway.” Where you’re trained to question yourself, but never the person in charge.

We’ll talk about how these systems are upheld through conditional love, inconsistent rules, and roles that determine your worth based on how well you perform. While education often focuses on the narcissist’s behaviour, this conversation looks beyond the individual to the wider system that protects and maintains the dynamic.

Using real-life examples, we explore how the psychological dynamics of cults and narcissistic families can be strikingly similar.

Dr. Natalie Fabert joins us from the Lalich Center on Cults and Coercion, where she serves on the board of directors and oversees continuing education for clinicians. She is an associate teaching professor of psychology at Arizona State University and a licensed psychologist in private practice, specialising in work with survivors of cultic abuse, spiritual and religious abuse, and coercive control.

If you grew up in a family where love felt conditional and you became hyper-vigilant, constantly monitoring and managing your narcissistic parent’s moods. Where you learned not to trust your own mind, and self-doubt became second nature, where obedience felt like survival in a home that trained you to question yourself but never the person in charge! Then this episode offers a powerful new lens for understanding what you lived through, and why it was never your fault.

Dr. Natalie Fabert

Lalich Center on Cults and Coercion

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In this episode, I explore the trauma responses many of us developed just to survive childhood and why they still show up in our adult lives. 

I’ll break down the main trauma responses, the core wounds they originate from, and how these patterns are shaped by growing up with narcissistic parents.

I’ll also walk you through the four types of narcissistic parents and how each one impacts a child’s nervous system, sense of self, and relationships, and why your responses were never flaws, they were there survival responses!

Most importantly, we’ll talk about healing: how to begin meeting the wounds underneath your trauma responses with compassion, safety, and choice, rather than shame. This episode is for anyone who has ever asked, “Why do I react this way?” and is ready to move beyond survival and into self-trust and emotional freedom

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This week, I'm unpacking one of the most common yet misunderstood experiences for adult children of narcissistic abuse: Narcissistic Parentification. 

I’ll walk through the different roles the children are cast into; Scapegoat Child, Golden Child, Enmeshed / Gilded Child, The Invisible Child, and how these roles profoundly shape your relationships, boundaries, identity, and sense of self today.

By understanding the dynamics behind the role you were assigned, you can finally challenge the narratives that kept you small and start healing on your own terms.

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In today’s episode, I'm diving into Instrumental Parentification — a dynamic where a child becomes the household’s “mini Cinderella.” They’re the ones cooking, cleaning, managing bills and appointments, caring for siblings, or even being conditioned into the role of caregiver for an ill family member.

We’ll explore how these adult-sized responsibilities shape a child’s sense of self, and how the impact often follows them into adulthood, influencing their relationships - especially with their siblings.

Listen to understand how this pattern develops, why it’s so damaging, and what healing can look like.

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In this solo episode, I’m diving into the topic of parentification — what it looks like, how to recognise it, and why naming your experience is the essential first step toward healing.

Before we can deconstruct and dismantle the roles and patterns we grew up with, we need the language to understand what truly happened to us. I’ll be sharing real, relatable examples to help you spot the subtle and not-so-subtle signs of parentification in your own family system and explore how these dynamics may have shaped your sense of self, relationships, and emotional world.

This episode will help you recognise the signs of parentification - for you or your siblings - and begin making sense of your story with clarity and compassion.

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In today’s episode, we dive deep into the complex topic of enmeshment—what it is, how it forms, and what healthyfamily patterns actually look like. We explore the journey of emancipation: how to recognise the conditioned roles you were assigned in childhood and, most importantly, how to break free from them.

Joining us is Dr. Ken Adams, renowned national lecturer, workshop leader, and consultant specializing in child abuse, dysfunctional family systems, and sex addiction. Dr. Adams is the acclaimed author of Silently Seduced, When He’s Married to Mom, and A Light in the Dark.
Together, we unpack the dynamics of enmeshment and offer insights on reclaiming your autonomy and emotional freedom.

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“I started this work at the age of 19. I was a child abuse advocate, a sexual abuse advocate, a domestic violence advocate, a therapist — and yet, I didn’t know it was happening to me.”

Dr. Christine Cocchiola is a leading expert on the experience of adult and child victims of coercive control. But even with all her knowledge and training, she found herself living inside the very dynamic she’d dedicated her life to understanding and preventing.

In this powerful and deeply personal conversation, Dr. Cocchiola shares her own story — the signs she missed, the psychological grip of coercive control, the impact on children, and how to recognise it in your own relationship. She also offers essential guidance on how to protect children from a coercively controlling parent.

This episode is a must-listen for anyone seeking to understand the hidden dynamics of control and reclaim their sense of safety and self.

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Solo Episode - This week on Beyond Survival – The Therapy Podcast, I’m unpacking the truth behind people pleasing. 

So often we think of it as a habit or personality trait - but in reality, it’s a deeply ingrained survival response. 

When a child grows up in dysfunction, their nervous system learns that safety comes from centering others and erasing themselves. This fawning response isn’t about being “too nice” - it’s about self-abandonment learned in an environment where needs, emotions, and authenticity weren’t safe.

Join me as I explore how this pattern forms, how it shows up in adulthood, and what healing looks like when we start to reclaim our right to exist, take up space, and be seen.

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