Explorez tous les épisodes du podcast BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS

Almost everything will work again if you unplug for a few mintues inclduing you.

-Anne Lemott

Hey, it’s Carissa, and this is Bad at Keeping Secrets. Today, we’re diving into something I think we all feel but struggle to name: digital exhaustion. You know that feeling when you’ve been switching between instagram, tictok, email, and three different tabs, and suddenly you’re just... depleted?

My guest Paul Leonardi wrote a book called Digital Exhaustion, and we’re going to talk about what he calls the Exhaustion Triad (the real reasons our devices are wearing us down). It’s not just screen time. It’s about attention switching, the cognitive load of constantly deciding which tool to use next, and the emotional weight and anxiety of carrying all this information in our pockets.

We’ll also get into practical strategies for digital resilience, how to think about AI, and what it means to be “here, not elsewhere” - especially when you’re juggling worklaod, social ties, and parenting.

Check out more of Paul’s research at:

www.paulleonardi.com

If you are like me and days go by feeling overwhelmingly busy, and yet you get nothing done or the first thing you do when you wake up is look at your phone, and suddenly feel a sense of dread for the day and still cant kick the habit, this podcast is for you.

Send yourself some love and compassion this holiday. This has been a hard year. For everyone.

XO, Carissa

ALSO, the amazing Sophie Odira found me on IG and we both posted almost the same text at the same time! The universe is telling us we all are so tired… Check her out on https://soundcloud.com/sophie-odira-hansing. Her music is beautiful and SO relatable.

Send this to your tired friends…

PS This podcast is edited and mixed by Mark McDonald, the music is by my very own sister, Officially Quigley, and funded by me (cuz, I like doing this). If you want to support us, and need a last min gift for someone, visit check out our website www.peopleiveloved.com.

30% OFF SALE ENDS WEDNESDAY

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is super happy you found me (carissa) right now…

In celebration of darkness, this week I want to revisit my chat with Katherine May, a best-selling author and podcast host, of whom I adore in so many ways. I first heard about her with her book, Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times during the height of the lockdown in 2020. In so many ways, this book helped me let go of control and step back. That there is comfort in resting. I don’t know about you, but I needed permission to use rest as a way to keep going.

When I saw she had a new book coming out, I had to talk to her. I do these interviews because I love meeting people and I love sharing ideas that I feel are helpful in defining what it means to be alive in these times. And wow, Katherine does that. First, let me explain the title. For those of you who thought of rainbows and unicorns with this title, sadly, there are not any featured in this book. However, the elements here, are no less filled with wonder and magic. The book is organized around connecting with the Earth, Water, Fire, and Air - giving into the cyclical nature of being.

Western culture so often has us working against the seasons, nature, and each other. This leaves us feeling disconnected and often like we are swimming upstream (maybe this is just me? IDK) working against forces that naturally offer soothing moments.

I also pretend Katherine is a dictionary, and ask her how she would define terms that I feel like I don’t really have a grasp on even though I have spent my life using them freely. For what seems like forever, I have been trying to make a structure for meaning that reflects the world I have experienced. Perhaps you are doing this too? It feels like a longing for understanding and connection, a search for some truth (all the while knowing there probably is none…).

We re-define Enchantment, Rituals, Resilience, and how Katherine sees God in this moment. She, however, pushes back on the idea of fixed definitions altogether. And why it might feel good to feel small sometimes.

Sending softness and care your way, love always, Carissa

PS This podcast is self-funded by me. Because I love talking to people who I believe in, I am so lucky they say yes. With help from Stephanie Tsou (you rock!!!), Mark McDonald (he helps make people’s podcast dreams a reality) and my lovely sister/soulmate, Officially Quigley did the music.

If you like this, it would mean the world if you subscribed. I appreciate you.

Hi, it’s Carissa, and this is Bad at Keeping Secrets.

For the past few months, when people have asked what I am reading, I have replied a book about a mommune. I swear, everyone I told was interested in hearing more.

I’m sitting down with writer Domenica Ruta, author of All the Mothers—a stunning, raw, and deeply human novel about women whose lives intersect in unconventional ways. She created a mommune—mothers raising children, supporting each other, redefining what family, beauty and support can look like inspired by her own life.

We talk about what it actually means when we say things will “work out”—and what to do when they don’t.

This is about the myths we’ve been sold about the boundaries of friendships and romantic relationships. All The Mothers gives you the agency to expand what is possible for connection and community.

Get the book here:

If you want to support this podcast, and shop small this holiday season, check out our website peopleiveloved.com. We have cards, journals, and our best-selling ONLY GOOD THINGS Calendar is back in stock.

IN OTHER NEWS:

* FAMILY UPDATE: We found out that M doesn’t need insulin yet! So we are enjoying our days before that comes into play for us… Diabetes is super common in people who have Cystic Fibrosis. Feeling less depressed about health stuff today. BUT also, she likes shoes. I was never into shoes… but we went shopping for the first time alone together and she wanted to try on all the fancy stuff…

* I just finished a mural at a local house in Berkeley. I love it so much I had to share it here:

OH my gosh. Thank you so much for listening. And I would love to hear about your ideal way to feel less alone in motherhood:

Love, Carissa

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is so glad you are here. We would love to continue the conversation.

Today I’m joined by Jessica Baum, a psychotherapist and the author of Safe: A New Way of Looking at Attachment. Her book comes out next week! I promise you will love it. Or I hope you like it as much as I did.

How to Know When to Leave - Part 2 of my conversation with Jessica Baum

Lately, it feels like everyone is talking about attachment theory. I scroll online through articles and essays about attachment sometimes, curious, half-amused, half-heartbroken. There’s something oddly comforting about realizing how many of us are just trying to make sense of our patterns - to understand why connection can feel both like safety and danger at once. You guessed it, I am an anxious attachment most of the time. Asking myself the question, can I be anxious and worried and feel safe in my relationships?

And what it means to actually feel safe in a relationship - not just secure in theory, but calm in the body. Therapist Jessica Baum writes beautifully about this in her book, offering a roadmap for those of us who have spent a lifetime in survival mode. She talks about how attachment wounds - those early, invisible imprints - can shape the way we move through the world. How we seek love, and how we sometimes run from it.

What struck me most was her invitation to notice when our nervous systems are leading the way - when we’re in fight, flight, or freeze - and to find small, grounded ways back to trust. It’s not about fixing ourselves or finding the “right” partner. It’s about learning to recognize the moments when something inside us says: this isn’t safe anymore.

And maybe that’s the hardest part - knowing when to stay and when to leave.

Because secure love isn’t supposed to feel like walking on eggshells or constantly trying to earn your place. It’s supposed to feel like warmth, like ease, like a deep breath. Sometimes, the bravest thing we can do is to stop running from the ache inside us long enough to listen to it.

Healing, it turns out, is less about perfection and more about noticing - the small shifts, the moments of calm, the people who make your nervous system sigh in relief. Making a space between the stimuli and our actions.

Maybe that’s what we’re all looking for. Not just to be loved, but to feel safe enough to stay - or safe enough to go.

This is such a rich conversation, and the second part is my favorite. And a bonus - Jessica has also created some free gifts for you, including a resource on attachment beyond labels and a video conversation with her mentor, Bonnie Badenoch.

See you next time.Let’s love, Carissa

PS You can find Jessica Baum on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn.

PPS Our 2026 ONLY GOOD THINGS Calendar is almost sold out! If you want one, here is the link. We are holding out hope for the future and celebrating the cyclical nature of life with our new Only Good Things 2026 Calendar made in collaboration with Goods for the Study.

This calendar collects our favorite things for each month, plus moon phases and space for hand-written notes.

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a newsletter and podcast where we talk about things. If you found me, maybe it is for a reason? We will probably never know…

More Than Love: A Conversation on Grief, Legacy, and Becoming Ourselves

There are some stories that never stop unfolding, they just shift shape as we move through life. This week, I am talking with Natasha Gregson Wagner about her memoir More Than Love.

QUESTION: Who expanded your understanding of love? Margaret did for me. Why, I think it was entirely biological/magical.

Natasha writes about her mother, Natalie Wood, with such sensory tenderness: the scent of gardenia, the lullabies sung at night, the way love imprints itself through small, ordinary gestures. Listening to her describe those early memories, I kept thinking about how memory is a kind of architecture, built from scent, sound, and touch. It’s how we carry the people we lose.

In our conversation, Natasha spoke openly about the long silence that followed her mother’s death, and the slow, private decision to finally tell her story. The memoir isn’t just about setting the record straight, though it does that, but about reclaiming her mother as a whole person: complex, luminous, flawed, human. Writing became a way of making peace with all the versions of Natalie Wood that exist - it could only happen in our current moment of holding all the complexities of personhood.

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS (me, Carissa Potter) wants you to be here:

We talked about how grief evolves, how as children, we absorb loss without language, and as adults, we circle back to it with new understanding. For Natasha, motherhood reshaped that journey. She spoke about seeing echoes of her own mother in the way she parents her daughter, and how that reflection brings both ache and comfort. It’s one of the paradoxes of love: the deeper it runs, the more it insists on making room for both presence and absence. What I mean by this is that humans understand and make meaning through contrast - the knowing and not knowing, the living with and living without.

There’s a moment in our conversation, where Natasha says she’s learned to hold love and loss together without needing one to cancel the other. That feels like the heart of her story. Whether through writing, filmmaking, or simply living, she’s found ways to let memory breathe, not as something that defines her, but as something that continues to expand her.

We also talked about fairness, or rather, the absence of it. Natasha described how, as a child, she believed life was supposed to make sense, and how she’s since learned to live within its mystery instead. Her spiritual path, not unlike my own, reflects a search for grace in a world that doesn’t always offer answers.

As we ended our conversation, Natasha spoke about finding her own voice, apart from the legacy she was born into. “I used to think I had to live up to something,” she said. “Now I just want to live from something, from truth, from love, from my own story.”

It struck me that More Than Love isn’t only a title, or a feeling, it’s a direction. A way of saying there’s always something beyond what we think love is. Something that carries us forward, even when we think we’ve reached the end and understand it all.

Next week, Natasha and I will host a workshop on grief and resilience in Marin with Happy Women Dinners. It’s a gathering for anyone walking through loss or transformation, or just wants to hang out and talk about hard stuff. We’ll share our own stories, hold space for others, and explore what it means to live fully while holding the weight of what’s been lost.

Share this with someone who is navigating the loss and love of a parent or child who might relate and feel less alone…

I am not going to pretend to know what healing is, but it could be: not erasing the past, but learning how to walk with it, gently, openly, and with love. To wake up each morning, connect with other humans and go to bed each night. To seek out the people who push your understanding of love to be more than what it once was.

XO, Carissa

PS I break down a few times during this podcast over M’s health issues - I am not the best interviewer but Natasha was so kind and offered me the support of a good friend, for which I am so grateful.

PPS RSVP for our day event Oct 19th from 10-4pm to jill@happywomendinners.com

Today I’m joined by Jessica Baum, a psychotherapist and the author of Safe: A New Way of Looking at Attachment.

In our conversation, Jessica opens up about her own journey from anxious attachment to a place of safety, and she helps us explore the deeper forces that shape our relationships: from the hemispheres of the brain and implicit memories, to the ways our bodies hold trauma and longing. Together, we look at how “little me” (the younger parts of ourselves) influence patterns we repeat, and how becoming conscious of those patterns can transform not only our relationships but the way we show up in the world.

We also talk about the importance of community, the power of rupture and repair in intimacy, and how building emotional anchors can help us feel held and supported - even in the hardest moments. Jessica shares so much wisdom, from neuroscience to lived experience, all with the invitation to see ourselves as evolving, spiraling beings who are always capable of deeper safety and connection.

This is such a rich conversation, we actually decided to release it in two parts. And a bonus - Jessica has also created some free gifts for you, including a resource on attachment beyond labels and a video conversation with her mentor, Bonnie Badenoch.

Find Jessica on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn.

Thanks for being here with me. Sending love, Carissa

Before we start I just wanted to invite you to come hang with Ruthie Ackerman and I at Womb House Books on Wednesday, September 24 · 6:30 - 8:30pm PDT.

It is a small gathering where we will do some exercises from my book, and have some time to explore motherhood and ambivalence, together.

Space is limited, sign up here! It’s free. We just want to make a space to talk about these things if they are lingering on your mind too.

For the longest time, I believed I’d just know whether I wanted to be a mom. Like a bolt of clarity would strike. But the truth is, I didn’t know. Not really. And for a long time, I thought I had to choose—between being an artist and being a mother. But here’s the thing:

I’m greedy. I want both.

And I think I’m not alone.

The world doesn’t make much space for the in-between—the questions, the ambivalence, the complexity of redefining what motherhood can look like. There's pressure to decide, to know, to fit within timelines and expectations. But what happens when we don’t? What happens when we still don’t know, even as time presses on? At 42 I am still trying to reconcile what the “right” thing is for my life and have come to terms with I will probably never really know.

This week, I sat down with the writer Ruthie Ackerman to talk about her new book, The Mother Code. Reading it was like having someone reach into my head and put my most private, unspoken thoughts onto the page. Ruthie names the tension so many of us feel—the biological clock ticking louder with each year, the internal tug-of-war between art and family, freedom and rootedness.

We talked about:

* Maternal ambivalence, the not being 100% sure if you want kids—how common it is, and how rarely we talk about it

* Redefining family narratives and how the women who raised us shape what we imagine for ourselves

* The desire to do life/motherhood differently—even when we don’t know what “different” looks like

* What is enoughness in life? Specifically, how delusional we are in romantic relationships.

Ruthie’s honesty cracked something open for me, and I think it will for you too. Whether you’re a parent, never want kids, feel unsure, or just love real conversations about the messiness of personhood, this episode is for you.

I’m so excited to share this one with you. I hope it resonates as deeply with you as it did with me.

If you know someone who is feeling ambivalent about life, motherhood, and art, I would be delighted if you shared this with them…

With love and curiosity,Carissa

PS Grab a copy of The Mother Code here. And I am a die-hard fan of Ruthie’s substack here:

PPS Bad At Keeping Secrets is a podcast by Carissa Potter (me). The audio was produced by Officially Quigley, and the sound editing was done by Mark McDonald. Mark helps people start podcasts, and I highly recommend him if you have been thinking about starting one. You can sign up for a free meeting with him here.

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a podcast I do because I love doing it. Thanks for finding it. And getting up this morning. You rock.

What if you had a magic 8 ball… but it actually knew you? And instead of spitting out “Ask again later,” it handed you a question so sharp, or so tender, that you couldn’t help but see yourself differently.

Today, I’m talking with designer and author Vicki Tan about her new book, Ask This Book a Question. It’s part fortune-teller, part behavioral science, and part mischievous friend who calls you out just enough.

We talk about how she decided which questions made the cut, the biases and stories that shape how we see the world, and how to make decisions that actually line up with your values. We’ll get into psychic moments, Google searches, and whether a question itself can be a comfort, or even a kind of prayer.

If you’ve ever wished for a guide to help you choose, change, or just sit with the uncertainty, you might find it here. And don’t worry - this book won’t tell your secrets. It’ll just ask you better ones.

Sending love, Carissa

Get your copy of ASK THIS BOOK A QUESTION at your favorite bookstore or here.

PS I’m doing a brunch with Happy Women Dinners next month! Sunday, September 7th, noon to 2pm at a private home in the Oakland Hills.

To reserve a seat, email jill@happywomendinners.com. The ticket ($150) includes a signed copy of Breathe Through It, a delicious brunch, a Q&A with me and Tara Schuster, and some hang time with other women.

PPS Bad At Keeping Secrets is a podcast by Carissa Potter (me). The audio was produced by Officially Quigley, and the sound editing was done by Mark McDonald. Mark helps people start podcasts, and I highly recommend him if you have been thinking about starting one. You can sign up for a free meeting with him here.

Hi. It’s Carissa and this is bad at keeping secrets. How do you feel sad? What does grief look like? This week I have the pleasure sit down with Carla Fernandez to talk about something we all carry but don’t really know how to hold: grief. Her book, Renegade Greif, demands space for loss, offering tools, rituals, and language for navigating our sadness in a world that too often tells us to move on. If you’re yearning for a way to work with your sorrow, or just need permission to feel, this conversationis for you.

Grief isn’t something we get over. It’s something we move with, slowly, awkwardly, and sometimes beautifully. In today’s conversation, I sit down with Carla, co-founder of The Dinner Party and a renegade in the world of grief work. Together, we explore the ways grief shapes us, not just emotionally, but biologically. We talk about the awkwardness of support, the quiet power of altars, the strange rituals that help us stay human, and the long, looping journey (I hate this word but it is what came to mind) of learning to live with loss.

This episode is for anyone who's ever wondered if they're grieving the “right” way, anyone who’s been asked to show up for someone else when they were breaking inside, and anyone trying to find meaning in the mess.

Grief isn’t linear. But community, ritual, and honest conversation? They help.

What do you do that helps you get through the day?

Carla has so lovingly rallied this ritual collection for you. In case you need a place to start. Her book, Renegade Grief, is a much more expansive version…

With love, Carissa

PS I’m doing a series of events with Happy Women Dinners in the Fall— one in the SF Bay Area and one in Los Angeles.

To reserve a seat, email jill@happywomendinners.com. The ticket ($150) includes a signed copy of Breathe Through It, dinner/brunch, a Q&A with me and Tara Schuster, and some hang time with other women.

SAN FRANCISCO: Sunday, September 7th, 12pm-2:00pm (private home in the Oakland Hills)

LOS ANGELES: Thursday, October 23rd, 6:30pm-8:30pm (private home in Encino)

There will be other events to come!

PPS Bad At Keeping Secrets is a podcast by Carissa Potter (me). The audio was produced by Officially Quigley, and the sound editing was done by Mark McDonald. Mark helps people start podcasts, and I highly recommend him if you have been thinking about starting one. You can sign up for a free meeting with him here.

Need permission to share your story? This episode is for you.

This week, I talk with psychologist and author Dr. Jessica Zucker about grief, vulnerability, and her new book Normalize It.

Got something you’re spiraling on? If you’re human, you probably do. In Normalize It, Dr. Zucker makes a powerful case for speaking up, and offers a framework for how to actually do it. I first found her work when I was navigating pregnancy loss, her book I Had a Miscarriage talked me through it, gently. Since then I have gifted it to all the people in my life dealing with this weird loss that often goes unspoken.

Jessica shares her own story of pregnancy loss, and how it shaped her career and her capacity for truth-telling. We both believe in the power of vulnerability, and in creating things that help people feel less alone.

What is something you are wanting to talk about? I will be here with you…

The audio is in the post. Listen when you’re walking, folding laundry, or hiding in the bathroom from your children.

With love & scraps of hope,Carissa

PS

PPS I’m doing a series of events with Happy Women Dinners in the Fall— one in the SF Bay Area and one in Los Angeles. To reserve a seat, email jill@happywomendinners.com. The ticket ($150) includes a signed copy of Breathe Through It, dinner/brunch, a Q&A with me and Tara Schuster, and some hang time with other women.

SAN FRANCISCO: Sunday, September 7th, 12pm-2:00pm (private home in the Oakland Hills)

LOS ANGELES: Thursday, October 23rd, 6:30pm-8:30pm (private home in Encino)

There will be other events to come!

PPPS Bad At Keeping Secrets is a podcast by Carissa Potter (me). The audio was produced by Officially Quigley, and the sound editing was done by Mark McDonald. Mark helps people start podcasts, and I highly recommend him if you have been thinking about starting one. You can sign up for a free meeting with him here.

Proof of Life. Proof of Enough.This week, I had the joy of talking with Jennifer Pastiloff, bestselling author of On Being Human, about her powerful new book Proof of Life — and wow.

This book is a reminder that being messy, tender, and still here is more than enough. It’s a kind of miracle.

Lately, I’ve been giving small bundles — fresh food, flowers, a handwritten note — and realizing they’re really just that: proof of life. A way to say, “I see you. You’re already enough.”

Jennifer’s book is that, too. Honest, funny, raw, and deeply alive.

👉 Pre-order Proof of Life here or check out her upcoming book events here.Trust me — you’ll want to read it. It made me just feel good. I hope it makes you feel something, anything, and let that be enough.

With love, Carissa

Hi, it’s Carissa, and this is Bad at Keeping Secrets. Are you an anxious person? I am. So when I saw the headline “This book is for anxious women,” I had to get it.

I feel oddly calmed and understood by the complex social dynamics of Curtis Sittenfeld. It is almost like she is in my head in the moments of cringe when I find myself saying the exact wrong thing for the moment I am in. In our conversation, we talk about the actual equation for being a creative success, the role of luck in our lives, and how to navigate complex social dynamics. Her new collection of short stories focuses on exploring mid-life through overturning our beliefs about ourselves and the events that define us. Show Don’t Tell is a celebration of enduring friendship. It made me think about how the friends in my life show up for me and how I want to show up for them. You know, the people who you can be yourself all the time? The friends who show up when you get a difficult diagnosis. Or have a bad day. After reading, I felt the desire to reach out to the people in my life. To dig into each other’s lives becuase there is nothing else more interesting (to me atleast).

Share this post with your bestie…

I felt this weird pull towards Curtis in this interview, almost like I longed to be in her life, and I didn’t want our conversation to end. She is a master storyteller. When I re-listened to our interview, I felt this giddy joy, the joy that comes from almost a crush.

There are lots of secrets—I hope you enjoy.

Sending love, Carissa

PS Both Curtis and I have direct ties to Minnesota. My heart goes out to everyone there in their shock and grief. I just don’t understand. Something I will say, is that I am taking comfort in lowering the “horizon line.” I am reaching out to the people close to me, calling my congress members, going to small gatherings, and smiling as often as I can. When I feel overwhelmed with the terror and horror of the world as I understand it, I recommend this portal for hope.

PPS Bad At Keeping Secrets is a podcast by Carissa Potter (me). The audio was produced by Officially Quigley, and the sound editing was done by Mark McDonald. Mark helps people start podcasts, and I highly recommend him if you have been thinking about starting one. You can sign up for a free meeting with him here.

PPPS My book is OUT. Get your copy here. Or from your local bookstore. I am so grateful to be able to do things that make me feel like I have a purpose in this life.

Wanting Both: Motherhood, Art, and the Questions That Linger

Hi, it's Carissa, and this is Bad at Keeping Secrets.

For the longest time, I believed I’d just know whether I wanted to be a mom. Like a bolt of clarity would strike. But the truth is, I didn’t know. Not really. And for a long time, I thought I had to choose—between being an artist and being a mother. But here’s the thing:

I’m greedy. I want both.

And I think I’m not alone.

The world doesn’t make much space for the in-between—the questions, the ambivalence, the complexity of redefining what motherhood can look like. There's pressure to decide, to know, to fit within timelines and expectations. But what happens when we don’t? What happens when we still don’t know, even as time presses on? At 42 I am still trying to reconcile what the “right” thing is for my life and have come to terms with I will probably never really know.

This week, I sat down with the writer Ruthie Ackerman to talk about her new book, The Mother Code. Reading it was like having someone reach into my head and put my most private, unspoken thoughts onto the page. Ruthie names the tension so many of us feel—the biological clock ticking louder with each year, the internal tug-of-war between art and family, freedom and rootedness.

We talked about:

* Maternal ambivalence, the not being 100% sure if you want kids—how common it is, and how rarely we talk about it

* Redefining family narratives and how the women who raised us shape what we imagine for ourselves

* The desire to do life/motherhood differently—even when we don’t know what “different” looks like

* What is enoughness in life? Specifically, how delusional we are in romantic relationships.

Ruthie’s honesty cracked something open for me, and I think it will for you too. Whether you’re a parent, never want kids, feel unsure, or just love real conversations about the messiness of personhood, this episode is for you.

I’m so excited to share this one with you. I hope it resonates as deeply with you as it did with me.

If you know someone who is feeling ambivalent about life, motherhood, and art, I would be delighted if you shared this with them…

With love and curiosity,Carissa

PS Grab a copy of The Mother Code here. And I am a die-hard fan of her substack here:

PPS Bad At Keeping Secrets is a podcast by Carissa Potter (me). The audio was produced by Officially Quigley, and the sound editing was done by Mark McDonald. Mark helps people start podcasts, and I highly recommend him if you have been thinking about starting one. You can sign up for a free meeting with him here.

PPPS I have a book that is coming out SO SOON. Pre-order sales are crucial for helping us understand if there's interest in the book. If you’re able, please consider preordering your copy here.

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a podcast I do because I love doing it. Thanks for finding it. And getting up this morning. You rock.

Hi, it's Carissa, and this is Bad at Keeping Secrets. Before I had a kid, my garden was my holy place. Still is, just things are a little more wild now.

This week, I talk with Debbie Millman from Design Matters about her book Love Letter to a Garden—a quiet, beautiful reflection on what it means to grow something, and to be changed by it. That gardening offers us relief and connection in the face of uncertainty.

We talk about love, partnership, the cross-country move she made to be with Roxane Gay during the pandemic.

It’s a conversation about abundance, attention, and learning to choose what truly matters. I hope you find something, anything really that helps connect you in this moment.

“I’m so very lucky; I get to watch things live and grow and fade away. When I fail, I get to try again.” -Debbie Millman

A Love Letter to a Garden is the perfect gift for someone you love, offering a meditation of patience, trust, and the hope of something beautiful. Get a copy here.

Debbie Millman (born 1961) is an American writer, educator, artist, curator, and designer who is best known as the host of the podcast Design Matters.[1] She is the chair and co-founder of the Masters in Branding Program at the School of Visual Arts in New York City, with Steven Heller and President Emeritus of the American Institute of Graphic Arts (AIGA) and chair.[2]

Millman has authored seven books. She is a co-owner and editorial director of Print magazine.[3] Her writing and illustrations have appeared in many major publications, including the New York Times, the Washington Post, the Philadelphia Inquirer, New York Magazine, The Baffler, and Fast Company and more. Her artwork has been included in many museums and institutes including the Design Museum of Chicago and the Boston Biennale.[2]

As always, I have not given up on you. Or hoping. Just grateful to be with you in this moment. Love, Carissa

PS. I have a show opening in Santa Cruz on May 3rd. It is with Sydney who I love in her new space called And Friends.

PPS Bad At Keeping Secrets is a podcast by Carissa Potter (me). The audio was produced by Officially Quigley, and the sound editing was done by Mark McDonald. Mark helps people start podcasts, and I highly recommend him if you have been thinking about starting one. You can sign up for a free meeting with him here.

Hey everyone, it is Carissa and this is Bad at Keeping Secrets. What to do when you get dumped? There is no real guide, telling you how to actually just be. Today I am talking to mother/daughter collaborators Suzy Hopkins and Hallie Bateman about finding meaning and connection in difficult experiences. There is something so universal in our heartbreak that connects us all, this is truly a guide in unbreaking your heart. I hope you enjoy it.

Get a copy of the book here.

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a random newsletter talking about life stuff. It’s so cool that somehow you found your way here…

Got a friend dealing with heartbreak? They might need this post…

In case you don’t have the time to listen or get the book, we discussed Hallie and Suzy’s collaboration process, personal experiences with generational trauma, and the impact of heartbreak on their lives. We also explored the concept of finding meaning in difficult experiences and the importance of open communication in dealing with such issues. Our conversation ended with a discussion on the universality of emotions in the aftermath of heartbreak. We think we are alone, but we are so not alone.

Follow Hallie here:

Love to everyone. Including you. And those little things your heart desires. Those too.

Suzy and Hallie sent a copy of their book to give away to you! Comment here if you need this (people in the usa only, sorry I can’t ship worldwide, even though heartbreak is a global thing).

XO, Carissa

PS. Bad At Keeping Secrets is a podcast by Carissa Potter (me). The audio was produced by Officially Quigley, and the sound editing was done by Mark McDonald. Mark helps people start podcasts, and I highly recommend him if you have been thinking about starting one. You can sign up for a free meeting with him here.

PPS Just a last reminder that my new book Breathe Through It is available for preorder here. In case you are a highly anxious person and you want to start a meditation practice but don’t know where to start…

I am what they call a runner. I felt a connection with Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride—the idea that if you don’t like your situation in life, you can just leave. If you get fired from a job, there’s always a better one out there. If you’re not in love with your partner, you’re doing them a favor by calling it quits. Are you unhappy now? There’s something better out there—you’re just missing out…

But why, then, is my happy life so hard? We find ourselves stuck in a culture that tells us there is always something better than what we have right now. Yet, that leaves us with the sinking feeling that who we are is not enough.

This week, I’m talking to Lydia Sohn about her new book, Here. It’s a Christian book—I should start there. As someone who grew up in a very atheist household, I’ve seen firsthand how religious trauma can leave lasting scars. My father, for example, spent his life rebelling against Christmas because of the shame he felt growing up in a church that made him feel unworthy for not speaking in tongues. But something shifted this past holiday season. He said out loud, “Christmas can be enjoyable. I love the music and the food, and I just don’t have to think about it in terms of God or consumerism.” We all thought, WOW. What had changed in him that suddenly allowed him to take delight in the season, after spending most of his adult life rejecting it in favor of its pagan roots and the solstice?

If you have felt a little less alone when you are here, consider subscribing :)

Reading Here felt like a relief—like the weight of constantly searching for something better had been lifted off my shoulders. It introduces a few key concepts that truly resonated with me. And you don’t have to believe in God to feel them in your bones:

* You can trust yourself.

* You have to stay somewhere long enough to develop roots.

* You can’t change other people. (This is my struggle.)

* You have everything you need inside of you right now.

Lydia also shared her belief that great pain and great joy often go hand in hand—that experiencing pain can lead to experiencing joy. That sometimes, we get overwhelmed by endless possibilities, and in those moments, containment can be liberating.

For me, it always comes back to the question: How do you know when to stay and when to leave?

Ever thought of asking nature? Lydia suggests this, along with practices to help you learn to trust yourself.

When I picked up Lydia’s book, I was admittedly scrolling through Zillow, looking at homes in San Francisco, Minneapolis, and Orinda. I had been daydreaming about how much better my life would be if I were just somewhere else—somewhere I didn’t have to worry about being attacked every time I left the house or about M getting into a school that could meet her medical needs. And I know—we have to leave the house I love, the community I love. But I also recognize that leaving is a privilege. That’s a reality that should be part of the conversation too.

Lydia and I also discuss the word toxic and how we often use it to describe situations and people. She questions this term for two good reasons:

* No situation is entirely horrible or entirely great.

* Labeling someone as toxic removes the ownership and agency we have in any given situation. Most people, after all, are a mix of both stellar and not-so-stellar traits.

We end with something really special. I ask Lydia for a favor, and she delivers. I needed to ground myself in the moment—to take stock of all the good things in my life without the constant urge to move forward. So, I asked for a meditation—some comforting thoughts in a world that feels like it’s falling apart.

Fast forward to the end if you need some reassurance. You’ll find it in Lydia’s words. I promise.

Even though I am only culturally Christian, I found so much in the practices in this book. Thanks so much for letting me explore topics that connect us with me. You are so loved, and you are so not alone. XOXO, Carissa

PS. Bad At Keeping Secrets, the podcast is Carissa Potter (me). Audio by Officially Quigley. Sound editing by Mark McDonald. Mark is helping people start their podcasts, if you have been thinking about starting one, I would highly recommend him. Sign up for a free meeting with him here.

PPS You can find Lydia’s book, Here. (ha ha)

PPS I do this substack because I LOVE IT. I love talking to people. I love thinking about hard stuff. I love being here with you. If you want to support me and are having a hard time making decisions and trusting yourself, we made a deck for you with the world famous Annie Duke. Get a copy here. It also makes a great gift for all the people in your life who are feeling stuck right now…

PPPS Lydia Sohn is a mom, minister, and writer whose writings have appeared in The New York Times, The Atlantic, and The Christian Century, among others. One of her very first essays, "What Do 90-Somethings Regret Most" received over 700K views, leading it to be one of the top ten most-read essays on Medium. As an Asian American female minister, her voice is unique, fresh, and needed for today’s transient age.As a daughter of immigrants who moved to America in search of the American dream (and achieved it), she saw with her own eyes that all can be burned down to begin afresh at any time. But it wasn't until her adult years, after multiple moves and a life of chasing greener pastures, that she began to realize the power of stability and commitment and our miraculous abilities to transform our circumstances from the inside out.She lives in Claremont, California with her husband and three children.

We can control whether we merely endure our days or experience and enjoy them. We can control whether we arrive on our deathbeds feeling like we've wasted our time or end up satisfied with how we've spent our brief moment in the sun.

-Catherine Price

During my darkest moments in the pandemic, my therapist told me that I had to find joy to keep going. These days, I feel deeply hollow inside. I am not sure when it started exactly, but I feel trapped in trying to figure out how to dig myself back to feeling alive again.

“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.”― Simone Weil

I first found out about Catherine Price’s work with her book, “How To Break Up With Your Phone.” To celebrate the publication of the revised edition, Catherine is running a "February Phone Breakup Challenge" on her "How to Feel Alive" Substack for any readers who want to go through the book's four-week plan together. As an added bonus, she’s also offering her paid subscribers access to a private "Phone Breakup Support Group" Substack chat for February where they can ask questions, share experiences, and get advice—both from her and from the other participants.

It all started for me with the idea that I don’t have control over my happiness and my addiction to my phone for well-being has just gotten really bad. My phone is the first thing I check in the morning and the last thing in the evening. I think that the thing that really got to me was the idea that I keep wanting to go to this phone over doing anything else. I am working to fill some void and then when I get it (time on the phone) I actually feel worse. I don’t want to live my life only looking forward to spending time digitally. Something feels deeply wrong about this.

“I reached for my phone to soothe myself, but I often crossed the line from feeling soothed to going numb.”

— Catherine Price

Catherine is not anti-tech - she is just about exposing the ways that tech hi-jacks our brains into spending time on them to sell our data. She calls this “fake fun.” Fake fun is the kind of mind-numbing state that we somehow long to be in while doom-scrolling.

In her most recent book, “The Power of Fun,” she breaks down what fun is and why it is important in feeling alive. Having fun is actually one of the most important priorities that humans have in composing well-being. Her book is life-affirming on so many levels and is an actionable guide on finding fun and making fun. The kind of fun that gives you energy, not drains you.

Having fun helps us feel awake and present for our super brief time on this planet.

Listen here to our very first really real podcast. I am so very proud of it. It would mean the world to me if you shared it with someone right now who needs to hear it, to have a little more fun in their lives.

Before you go, Catherine also has a Substack that you need to check out.

Bad At Keeping Secrets, the podcast is Carissa Potter. Audio by Officially Quigley. Sound editing by Mark McDonald. Mark is helping people start their podcasts, if you have been thinking about starting one, I would highly recommend him. Sign up for a free meeting with him here.

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Hi, it’s Carissa, and welcome to Bad at Keeping Secrets! Today, I’m chatting with Liana Finck, an amazing cartoonist, author, and regular contributor to The New Yorker. Liana’s known for her sharp, thoughtful work, including her graphic memoir Passing for Human, and I found her on instagram ages ago - her work is SO relatable, and funny, and just real.

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a newsletter that tackles emotional messes. We love having you here.

In this episode, we explore her journey as a storyteller, her perspective on art and communication, and even how she balances creativity with motherhood. It is a weird feeling to meet someone and have so many life parallels. Always feeling like you were different, our art actually argues that we are normal humans. We talk about feeling shy, what that actually means, why we make things, how we identify (artist, writer, cartoonist, etc.), and what it means to feel like an outsider.

Her most recent book, Mixed Feelings came out last week, and let me tell you it is great. For kids. For adults. For plants and possibly aliens.

If you are one of those people who is like why would an adult be interested in a kids book about feelings? Let me share a few spreads that are so relatable to EVERY age:

Who has not felt this way on the daily?

Or this one:

Here are a few places you can order or buy Mixed Feelings:

* Bookshop

* Books Are Magic

* Lofty Pigeon

* Amazon

* Barnes + Noble

If you like my work, chances are you will LOVE Liana. She is so much smarter and raw than I am. Check out her substack here:

As a person who is perpetually lonely in crowded rooms…

I really hope you enjoy this conversation as much as I did. Wishing you the ability to find moments of joy within this s**t show called life. Very grateful for you.

XO, Carissa

PS This music for this podcast is by Casey Goode (my sister). The podcast was edited by Mark McDonald who makes me feel like I am a natural podcaster (even tho I am clearly not…).

PPS I am 41 years old and I still forget that hanger is a thing and that might just be why I am so crabby… how about you?

What is your stress telling you? Just curious… Mine is that I need to change my expectations for myself…

Before we got sick, and then my business shapeshifted, and the globe felt increasingly less safe, I recorded this podcast with Dr. Aditi Nerukar, stress expert and author of The Five Resets: Rewire Your Brain and Body for Less Stress and More Resilience.

I swear I was not always this way, so stressed. There were times in my life when I was a free-flowing lover of time and people and the usefulness of worry was only for major life events. And yet, somehow over the past few years, my shoulders have become tense, I now take drugs to be able to sleep through the night, and every time my daughter coughs I wonder if we should go to the hospital.

Share this post with someone who could use some help with their stress.

The question of when stress becomes unhealthy is a tricky one. No one really invites stress in, some might argue that a little stress here and there is good for motivation. Maybe. But what about when your face goes numb? And you can’t seem to leave the house? the pressure of worry just takes up all of the space where joy used to live?

We have everything we need. We are definitely in the camp of people who have enough to eat and a house and love, so why can’t we enjoy it? And why are all these weird health issues coming up?

The 5 Resets has been literally on my bedside table since I got it. In this interview, we talk about the five universal truths about stress, toxic resilience, the relationship between stress and biology (newsflash: everything is connected), and science-backed super easy ways to help without major life changes.

I am literally still working on this. But I found this book super helpful. SO SO helpful I begged Dr. Nerukar to come talk to me about it. Ha.

I hope you get some peace today. And every day, with gratitude, Carissa

Get a copy of her book here.

Two final thoughts:

* The music in BAKS is by my sister, Casey Goode.

* The audio is edited by:

* This interview and writing was not touched by AI. I am going to end by saying that. I am not against AI, I think it is an effective tool. I am just interested in humans. How we think and feel outside of AI. That’s all. Perhaps I am just getting old and I am ok with that, sort of.

* We just came out with some new birthday cards at People I’ve Loved. If you want to support BAKS AND need a card, visit www.peopleiveloved.com

“Inside our words and actions, the people we love live on through us.”

-Lissa Soep, Other People’s Words

What makes us… well us? What makes our ideas our own? I learned when I grew up that I was a unique person and the origins of my ideas were somewhere in my mind. They came from a “soul” of sorts. These ideas and words were ownable by me. Whatever I did and said it came from this place, this soul that somehow was shaped by forces that I didn’t understand and yet still very much present.

A very unstatisfactory understanding that comes from psycologists is: the mind. The things that we call ideas are electrical impulses connecting the dots from information storied in the brain.

I felt upset when people “took” my ideas as their own. Not offering them the grace that they were also entitled to feel and think what their brains/bodies came up with. I remember so many conversations about the “theft” of an idea or word as being stolen or a violation of sorts. That ideas and words were like paintings or any unique physical object, they could be sold and traded. That there was indeed a physical form to each.

However, as I age, my understanding of where ideas come from and how identities form has shifted from static and innate in origin to something learned through mirroring and exposure.

In her book, Other People’s Words, Lissa Soep (who I loved almost at, “hello”) grapples with the loss of two good friends. She revisits the theories of 20th-century Russian linguist and literary critic Mikhail Bakhtin whose idea of how language works offers a life for the people she loves beyond death as we traditionally understand it. Mikhail Bakhtin frees language from a single context - divested from the idea that we possess our speech and creativity becomes anonymous.

“The way in which I create myself is by means of a quest. I go out into the world in order to come back with a self.”― M.M. Bakhtin

Just imagine for a moment that your words, actions, and self are all literally made up of the people you love. Ever catch yourself saying something your mother did without warning? Or using a phrase that someone you admire did? This is how the people we love ripple and echo through us. And how they live on.

Where do you find comfort in loss? (I REALLY WANT TO KNOW!!!)

In a moment where we are trying to make sense of the grief of losing someone without the guarantee of some afterlife, there is a comfort to be found in how our sense of self is composed by the interactions we have had. That the friends we have spent time with, become a literal part of us because of how language and creativity work inside our brains.

“...Truth is not born nor is it to be found inside the head of an individual person, it is born between people collectively searching for truth, in the process of their dialogic interaction.”― Bakhtin M.M.

In some ways, by talking about our own loss, by using the words we have learned through others, we honor their existence.

The specialness of existence is pretty mind blowing.

Thanks for being here.

Bad At Keeping Secrets, the podcast is Stephanie Tsou and Carissa Potter. Audio by Officially Quigley. Sound editing by Mark McDonald. Mark is helping people start their podcasts, if you have been thinking about starting one, I would highly recommend him. Sign up for a free meeting with him here.

“[Friendship] is a relationship that has no formal shape, there are no rules or obligations or bonds as in marriage or the family, it is held together by neither law nor property nor blood, there is no glue in it but mutual liking. It is therefore rare.”― Wallace Stegner, Crossing to Safety

Recently, I read something somewhere that admitting you were lonely was one of the most shameful things someone could do. And yet, I do it all the time. Without shame. I am lonely. Yes. What is weird is that I also crave alone time. Which I don’t have and seems so luxurious after having a kid.

What does feeling lonely mean then? I thought it was a longing to be around people but really, it is not that at all. Lonely for me is a hunger to feel seen, safe, and cared for.

This week I got the honor and it was a true pleasure to talk to Priya Parker about how to create rituals that matter. Priya works to help people create collective meaning in their lives through gatherings. She is a master facilitator, strategic advisor, acclaimed author of The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why it Matters, and the host and executive producer of the New York Times podcast, Together Apart.

Being inclusive can also mean everyone is not invited.

One thing that I was kinda shocked by, in the interview was the concept of Generous Exclusion. I come from a family and community where everyone is invited. The goal of this is to have everyone know they are welcome and wanted. Priya says that this is often done because people want to be inclusive, but inclusivity needs to match the purpose of the gathering. By curating our gatherings around the purpose, Priya says that we can feel held. That more people is not always the answer to creating more collective meaning. It is being intentional about who you invite and why.

How are you making meaning right now?

So I test-drove some of Priya’s advice for Easter this year. I am culturally Judeo-Christian, but not practicing. I wanted to create a ritual for finding hope and possibility in the spring. To make time to look at the buds on the trees and imagine the beauty about to blossom right around the corner. The flowers and sweet smells promised by the change in season. I hosted an egg-dying gathering with two other families from M’s school.

In the past, Easter has not been a thing I thought too much about. Since I was raised Unitarian, we had baskets with candy arrive on Sunday am. We knew it was our parents, but that didn’t really take the fun or magic out of a basket filled with pastel colors and candy. It was the default. It was nice.

For this egg party, I wanted to invite everyone, but Priya’s (and Josh’s voice) said to keep it small. It was still chaos. We started with a meditation where we used our five senses to see a lemon, finishing with taste and holding there for a few moments. I bet you can feel it now in your mouth starting to salivate and your jaw tightening. It’s risky to eat sour food. But a little risk is often invigorating and exciting.

Who do you gather with? Share this so you can create something together… if you want.

After holding the lemon in our mouths, we contrasted it with a cube of sugar (yes my teeth are rotting out of my mouth. Sorry dentists). I was hoping to create a feeling in our bodies of relief. That was coming with the change in seasons. That we had all been through so much, that something good was coming. And just, what if everything worked out?

The party was fun. Or I had fun. I got to feel grateful to be around people and learn about how we all contain so many versions of ourselves. It was a gathering I wanted to be at. I wanted to feel grounded in the fact that time was moving forward, and I had very little if any control, but at least I didn’t feel alone.

If you want a quick FREE guide for creating meaningful gatherings, Priya made one just for Bad At Keeping Secrets: Priya Parker x People I've Loved

In the guide, you’ll find 5 ways to QUICKLY build belonging, a feeling I am desperate for. And why introverts make good hosts. Surprise. Who knew?

If you are interested in more than a quick guide, here is where you can find more information:

* The Art of Gathering Digital Course

* The Art of Gathering book 

* The Art of Gathering newsletter

Lastly, thanks for reading and being here. I got so many sweet notes about the decision to change the People I’ve Loved. It made me feel so supported in one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made. I am grateful for you. Just so you know.

ALSO, Take 25% off anything you want through April on People I've Loved. Get your mom a card in which you tell her how you feel about her. Or not. But it helps us clean out the studio and you are supporting a small business.

USE CODE: FORMOM25

xo, Carissa

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

We are in this amazing moment where we are trying to make a more equitable future by the ways that we structure our time and resources. We have never had more freedom to create meaning and systems that serve us. But cis women in hetero-relationships are still doing more of the work and feeling burnt out as the default parent even when they are also the breadwinners.

I became a fan of Eve Rodsky when I saw her documentary. She is a Harvard-trained lawyer who works with families (like the one in Succession) to mediate wealth management and distribution. What does that mean? I only have TV and movie reference points.

Eve had a day where she broke down over not getting the correct blueberries for her husband’s smoothies. Why should she be responsible for household management, family and social planning, and finance?

The data is in – women actually do more work. And as a culture, we value their time less. Take for example, the idea that breastfeeding is free. Have you heard that? I sure have. I even thought it during the super brief week I was able to do it. BUT it’s not. It costs time. And we live in a culture where time is money.

We need to start by uncoupling money with time.

In her book, Fair Play, Eve helps us actually do the thing – make the work we do visible to our partners, have the hard conversations, and ask for what we need to create a more equitable and sustainable partnership.

This is good for everyone. Bringing to light unspoken assumptions about who should do what and whose time is valuable. I hope you enjoy. Visit Eve’s website for TONS of free resources.

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

“To witness one life's miserable devastation and see her reach, instead, for joy. Let your life rest on what is already good. It's just another day in the good-bad, bad-good earth machine.”

Kate Baer is a poet who I love. I found out about her work when What Kind of Woman her first collection of poems came out. It was raw and true and I loved every moment in it - not because it was perfect - but because it reflected my experience. Kate is not into easy. There is something with ease that seems boring, or not representative of what makes life dynamic.

Kate just says it, how she is feeling, because as she says: “It will feel good.” We talk about our personal dealings with mental illness, how God shows up in her work, and having faith that you are right where you need to be.

For years now, I have personally been turning to poetry to explain and make me feel understood through the hard moments. Kate’s writing is where I turn for comfort and someone to sit with me through it.

I hope you enjoy. To see more from Kate, visit here:

And finally, a poem from Kate’s book:

Thanks for being here with me.

I grew up thinking that addiction was not something that ran in my family. So I didn’t have to worry about it. My parents were both not really into drinking. My grandparents had been raised in the Depression and had seen the damage that alcohol could do on families and were so scared of it that they didn’t drink.

When I came of age, I was not interested in it. I tried it. I have been drunk. I think the first time was when I was traveling abroad at 16. I don’t remember the details of the event, but I do remember slamming my head on the floor over and over and asking to have sex (even though I had never before) with a guy I had just met. He said no. I was lucky. I didn’t feel that way at the time. I woke up feeling rejected and physically ill.

This could have gone so many ways, but when I returned home to the States, and no longer had access to alcohol, I just didn’t drink. I thought I was free from that and hard drugs, due to the times I had had painkillers. I was not crazy about them because I enjoyed pooping. And on them, basic body functions shut down.

But I am dealing with addiction. To my phone.

And I wanted to understand why. And what I could do about it. Anna Lembke is a psychiatrist who studies addiction at Stanford University. Her book, Dopamine Nation changed my life. I say that in the respect that it altered the framework in which I understand how pleasure and pain work. We need both for balance in our brains.

Thank you for reading BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS. This post is public so feel free to share it.

We are all living in an age where we have immediate access to high reward and high dopamine stimuli. It might be drugs, it might be romance novels, gambling, it might be social media, or news feeds. Whatever it is, it is something that is accessible and lurking within your reach, providing little (or big) hits of dopamine. These drug-ified stimuli keep us ever in need of more to return to a balanced state.

Dopamine was first discovered in the 1950s as an important neurotransmitter for motivation and reward processing. Mice that were not able to produce it stopped eating. No longer taking enjoyment in food. Depression is a state in which we are in chronic dopamine depletion. There are more neurotransmitters involved, but most people agree that dopamine is important in processing pleasure.

Are you finding yourself checking your phone as the first thing and last thing that you do each day? Are you taking less pleasure in things that you thought you valued? I am. And I don’t like it.

Anna takes the science of desire and the wisdom of recovery programs to find balance in the brain. She believes that to take pleasure again, we need to balance it with healthy pain. For example, exercise, intermittent fasting, or cold plunges. Or dopamine fasting for 30 days. She doesn’t think that more pleasure is the answer to our ever-pain-avoidant culture.

“Mutual honesty precludes shame and presages an intimacy explosion, a rush of emotional warmth that comes from feeling deeply connected to others when we’re accepted despite our flaws. It is not our perfection but our willingness to work together to remedy our mistakes that create the intimacy we crave.”

The first step, is being honest. Truth-telling and lying are both contagious. Having a place where you can go and be totally honest and still be accepted is important. Radical honesty is a path to your authentic self. Lies are a lot of work, and telling the truth helps free up your cognitive load. It also helps you feel closer to people.

We are all in recovery. How can we see each other with more compassion and empathy within our increasingly black and white, right and wrong world? By seeking to understand each other, we naturally tend to care for each other. I don’t want to change your mind, I am just curious why you are the way you are.

Run towards the hard stuff – find ways to immerse yourself in the life you have been given. There is something so profound in our experience of the spectrum of emotions. Something human, that we are longing for, can be re-discovered.

Love, Carissa

PS This podcast is self-funded by me. Because I love talking to people who I believe in, I am so lucky they say yes. With help from Stephanie Tsou (you rock!!!), Mark McDonald (he helps make people’s podcast dreams a reality) and my lovely sister/soulmate, Officially Quigley did the music.

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

I have known Ashley Neese for years. We met when we gave a talk together in the winter of 2019. I have been obsessed with her ever since. Her new book, Permission to Rest insists that we need rest for ourselves, for healing, for repair, and yes, for our communities. And then, Permission to Rest shows you how to do the work of resting.

“There are a million reasons not to rest,” says our culture. Prioritizing rest is hard, but necessary. I don’t know about you, but I was raised with the notion that in order to have worth, I had to be doing something productive for society. I had to clean, practice something, and help others. If I took time to rest, I was lazy, hopeless, and worthless. For years, I ignored what was going on by working on something else.

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Rest is hard because it makes space for us to confront what is going on in our bodies. Instead of running from our feelings, we are forced to tend to them. Ashley will teach you to find strength in your body.

Transformation, a word that I have been hearing and using a lot as of late, I feel is something we assume happens in one major moment. It can, but also, it can happen with the accumulation of lots of small moments, mundane moments, the micro moments. We can start small – by starting small and not taking on the capital “T” trauma we can make transformation sustainable.

Ashley also has a substack that you should definitely check out:

PS This podcast is self-funded by me. Because I love talking to people who I believe in, I am so lucky they say yes. With help from Stephanie Tsou (you rock!!!), Mark McDonald (he helps make people’s podcast dreams a reality) and my lovely sister/soulmate, Officially Quigley did the music.

PPS More about Ashley:

Ashley Neese is a renowned breathwork teacher, somatic practitioner, author, parent, and land steward. She has spent over a decade working at the intersections of embodiment, transformation, and renewal. Ashley is host of The Deeper Call podcast, where she shares restorative conversations with people who move and inspire her –  intended to contextualize our experiences and re-establish our interconnectedness. She lives with her family in a valley of wise old oak trees in California.

Thank you for reading BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS. This post is public so feel free to share it.

“It's startling to realize how narrowly we avoid, or miss, living radically different lives.” - Rachel Aviv

Have you ever wondered why your life worked out the way it did? Yes. You have. We all have. Why are some people a success? Other’s not so much? Why do some people with similar diagnoses, DNA, and environments have such different life outcomes?

I have wondered this throughout my life. It comes in waves. I asked a mentor once in art grad school if she could tell me who would become a famous artist. After 30 years of teaching, she still said she had no idea who would be able to make it in the art world. That she was always surprised. I think this is honest. I am dubious of people who think that they know things like this. Often, when we can account for our own bias, lack of knowledge, and mood, there are too many open variables to guess with any accuracy. (I know that Annie Duke would disagree with this. She argues that we have more information then we think we do.)

I grew up in a house where it was okay to be sad. At least those words were said out loud. I think that our house promoted other feelings in actions: for example, positively rewarding happy moods something very common in my generation, perhaps it still is. People in the family who were more beautiful, outgoing, and smart were met with interest. In some ways, you could argue this is a normal thing, that the feelings we put out attract like feelings, happy people attract happy people. But what about the people who are sad? Don’t they need love too? What can pull a person out of a sad spiral?

At the age of 10 I started seeing a therapist, at 15 I started on an SSRI. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. To this day, I am kinda unsure where they each end and begin. As I now understand it, I think I have anxiety that turns into guilt, which turns into depression. And it could pop up, or manifest like a chronic illness at any time. Being turned on almost by stimuli that I can never really fully understand.

And I am lucky. I somehow was able to keep living. Through processing all these uncomfortable emotions, and make it through the hard parts of my “illness.” That with a flip of a coin, things could have been so different. I know this. And if I think too hard about it, I falter. That dark area gets closer. There is always some amount of active avoidance of the pointlessness of it all that I need to function.

In Rachel Aviv’s book, Strangers to Ourselves, Rachel meets a woman who is seemingly on a parallel path to her. They are both young, from similar backgrounds, and are being treated in an inpatient program for anorexia. Rachel's institutional moment becomes an anomaly and for some unknown reason, Hava’s becomes chronic. After years go by, Rachel seeks out Hava only to find out she is no longer living. Hava has spent most of her life battling her anorexia. The mystery of their tangled lives and possibilities is poetic.

Context is everything. Each situation is different. There is not a catch-all. There is not one solid definition of mental health that everyone agrees on. At a time when most people I know have some experience with anti-depressants, without creating a false nostalgia, is life that much harder now? That we have to drug ourselves to get through each day? (I do.)

I pathologize stories of mental illness that are deeply personal and situational. I am human and I like simple explanations. I contort my mind into shapes that it can fit in within an “evidence-based” medical system. One answer or explanation feels so good when opposed to the truth that we don’t have any answers. And all systems of understanding have some truth to them.

But what if mental illness is also a reflection of our community? The good, the bad and the ugly?

We are afraid to talk about these things because they might become contagious, and we should be afraid to an extent. I feel it when I am with someone who is deeply in pain. But what if we need to talk about it as a community to feel better? To repair the pain that we have caused. I don’t have any answers. But I am searching for some real feeling even while being aware that realness can never really exist.

Sending softness and care your way, love always, Carissa

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a reader-supported publication. We love having you here.

PS This podcast is self-funded by me. Because I love talking to people who I believe in, I am so lucky they say yes. With help from Stephanie Tsou (you rock!!!), Mark McDonald (he helps make people’s podcast dreams a reality) and my lovely sister/soulmate, Officially Quigley did the music.

“The philosopher Ian Hacking uses the term “looping effect” to describe the way that people get caught in self-fulfilling stories about illness. A new diagnosis can change “the space of possibilities for personhood,” he writes. “We make ourselves in our own scientific image of the kinds of people it is possible to be.”

— Rachel Aviv

In celebration of darkness, this week I want to revisit my chat with Katherine May, a best-selling author and podcast host, of whom I adore in so many ways. I first heard about her with her book, Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times during the height of the lockdown in 2020. In so many ways, this book helped me let go of control and step back. That there is comfort in resting. I don’t know about you, but I needed permission to use rest as a way to keep going.

When I saw she had a new book coming out, I had to talk to her. I do these interviews because I love meeting people and I love sharing ideas that I feel are helpful in defining what it means to be alive in these times. And wow, Katherine does that. First, let me explain the title. For those of you who thought of rainbows and unicorns with this title, sadly, there are not any featured in this book. However, the elements here, are no less filled with wonder and magic. The book is organized around connecting with the Earth, Water, Fire, and Air - giving into the cyclical nature of being.

Western culture so often has us working against the seasons, nature, and each other. This leaves us feeling disconnected and often like we are swimming upstream (maybe this is just me? IDK) working against forces that naturally offer soothing moments.

I also pretend Katherine is a dictionary, and ask her how she would define terms that I feel like I don’t really have a grasp on even though I have spent my life using them freely. For what seems like forever, I have been trying to make a structure for meaning that reflects the world I have experienced. Perhaps you are doing this too? It feels like a longing for understanding and connection, a search for some truth (all the while knowing there probably is none…).

We re-define Enchantment, Rituals, Resilience, and how Katherine sees God in this moment. She, however, pushes back on the idea of fixed definitions altogether. And why it might feel good to feel small sometimes.

Sending softness and care your way, love always, Carissa

PS This podcast is self-funded by me. Because I love talking to people who I believe in, I am so lucky they say yes. With help from Stephanie Tsou (you rock!!!), Mark McDonald (he helps make people’s podcast dreams a reality) and my lovely sister/soulmate, Officially Quigley did the music.

One last thing, we just got more 12-month planners in at People I’ve Loved. If you want one in time for the new year, order here.

If you like this, it would mean the world if you subscribed. I appreciate you.

“...sometimes, when something is such an integral part of your life, it's hard to see where the raw material ends, and the inspiration begins.”

Sarah Viren, author of To Name the Bigger Lie, tackles big questions such as the location of truth, the value/curse of doubt, the pliability of personal narratives, and the allure of conspiracy theories. I first read about her story “The Accusations Were Lies, But Could We Prove it?” in the New York Times magazine here. It was a thriller.

I have been longing for a collective truth. Something that I feel like in the past 15 years or so has been slowly disappearing. Perhaps it never existed? To work together, to understand each other, to love, we need to agree on something called a fact and truth, right? I want to have things like, we both saw the same news, or read the same books, or listened to the same random country song on the radio because there was nothing else but commercials on. I miss feeling grounded in facts.

For Sarah, there are events in her life that make her question, I mean really question reality. In high school, her idol, a teacher named Dr. Whiles turns out to be a holocaust denier. What happens when you love and trust someone, someone who has helped you shape your personhood, but then no longer shares your reality? The second story that the book focuses on is that of a series of lies that a fellow academic says about her partner sexually harassing their students.

Thank you for reading BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS. This post is public so feel free to share it.

Sarah has been trained in the classics, with the idea of doubt playing out in her own life in ways that start to dismantle her reality. Is her partner not the person she knows? Is there life to a lie?

Lies, active lies, and big lies create distance between people. We can use truth to come together, to understand and to relate, to heal and repair together. Lies also create a space to be creative, to test out different realities, and to solve problems. Is lying inherently wrong? I don’t think so. I think delusions can be useful and informative. I am not saying that we should lie. On the contrary, I think the ability to tell the truth, is a luxury of comfort and acceptance that I have the privilege of. I don’t need to lie to be loved. I don’t need to be something other than what I am to have worth.

These are the facts: life is messy. There are no easy narratives. We are all complex creatures in a dark moment. How can we hold each other with love, understanding, and tenderness as we are stuck in this waiting room? I hope you enjoy this conversation.

Something else beautiful and complex for you – Ocean Voung’s A Letter to My Mother That She Will Never Read.

Bad At Keeping Secrets, the podcast is Stephanie Tsou and Carissa Potter. Audio by Officially Quigley. Sound editing by Mark McDonald. Mark is helping people start their podcasts, if you have been thinking about starting one, I would highly recommend him. Sign up for a free meeting with him here

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

We can control whether we merely endure our days or experience and enjoy them. We can control whether we arrive on our deathbeds feeling like we've wasted our time or end up satisfied with how we've spent our brief moment in the sun.

-Catherine Price

During my darkest moments in the pandemic, my therapist told me that I had to find joy to keep going. These days, I feel deeply hollow inside. I am not sure when it started exactly, but I feel trapped in trying to figure out how to dig myself back to feeling alive again.

“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.”― Simone Weil

I first found out about Catherine Price’s work with her book, “How To Break Up With Your Phone.” It all started for me with the idea that I don’t have control over my happiness and my addiction to my phone for well-being has just gotten really bad. My phone is the first thing I check in the morning and the last thing in the evening. I think that the thing that really got to me was the idea that I keep wanting to go to this phone over doing anything else. I am working to fill some void and then when I get it (time on the phone) I actually feel worse. I don’t want to live my life only looking forward to spending time digitally. Something feels deeply wrong about this.

“I reached for my phone to soothe myself, but I often crossed the line from feeling soothed to going numb.”

— Catherine Price

Catherine is not anti-tech - she is just about exposing the ways that tech hi-jacks our brains into spending time on them to sell our data. She calls this “fake fun.” Fake fun is the kind of mind-numbing state that we somehow long to be in while doom-scrolling.

In her most recent book, “The Power of Fun,” she breaks down what fun is and why it is important in feeling alive. Having fun is actually one of the most important priorities that humans have in composing well-being. Her book is life-affirming on so many levels and is an actionable guide on finding fun and making fun. The kind of fun that gives you energy, not drains you.

Having fun helps us feel awake and present for our super brief time on this planet.

Listen here to our very first really real podcast. I am so very proud of it. It would mean the world to me if you shared it with someone right now who needs to hear it, to have a little more fun in their lives.

Before you go, Catherine also has a Substack that you need to check out.

She also is teaching a Find Your Fun Course - and she is offering people 15% off with the code BADATSECRETS. Click here for more info.

If you want a copy of her book, we have one for a US-based subscriber! Comment here.

Bad At Keeping Secrets, the podcast is Stephanie Tsou and Carissa Potter. Audio by Officially Quigley. Sound editing by Mark McDonald. Mark is helping people start their podcasts, if you have been thinking about starting one, I would highly recommend him. Sign up for a free meeting with him here.

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

This week, I’m revisiting a topic that is a little scary but also extremely hopeful. A few months ago, I had the pleasure of talking with Grace Chang – she is the co-founder and CEO of Kintsugi, a tech start-up developing ways that AI can recognize biomarkers to help clinicians in diagnosing mental health issues.

I met Grace last summer at the SF Art Book Fair, and when I asked her what she spent her time doing, I got extremely excited when I heard her response. As someone, like Grace, who found the mental health system super difficult to navigate, I spent years trying to find a therapist that could help me alter my meds. I was told several times that all good therapists don’t take health insurance. That made everything cost prohibitive. And I am lucky.

For most, access to mental health services is a battle. This is not new news. But with the work that Kintsugi is doing, the AI takes speech biomarkers such as pitch, speed, and frequency from voice samples, compares them to a robust data set, and can detect depression. It doesn’t matter what you are talking about, or what language you are speaking, which is so amazing. I am super grateful to people like Grace who are working on new ways to serve people in their darkest hours.

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Lately I have been feeling under the weather without actually being sick with a fever - does that ever happen to you? I have a sneaking suspicion it is from the fluctuating weather we’ve been having. And I am not a doctor, but as a person who has a hard time with transitions and seems to get sick every time the weather changes, I am interested in alternative ways of healing/being in addition to my Western traditions.

Today I am revisiting my conversation I had with Susan Weis-Bohlen on Ayurveda, the connections between our health and wellness and the seasons, and her book Seasonal Self-Care Rituals. According to ancient texts of Ayurveda, “all diseases begin at the junction of the seasons,” and Susan offers some interesting insights on creating balance through each season.

A few topics in this video that I find really mind-boggling, that should have been kinda obvious to me:

* Our food cravings are telling us something.

* Eating seasonally is good for the planet, but also for your body on more levels than I understood.

* A new understanding of moods can predict what your body is needing.

* We need to live with the seasons, not against them.

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

The idea that the universe is ultimately meaningless is something that I have been sifting through all of my life. Meaning is super sexy, offering an understanding for suffering, and a way to connect. Today I want to revisit my conversation with Wendy Syfret, and the comfort meaningless can provide.

Nihilism gets a bad rep. For sure. The problem I think people run up against is the question – if there is no greater meaning to life (“Basic ideas of good and evil are constructs of context, history, and social conditioning”), why not become hedonists? Why don’t we stay in bed or chase pleasure? If we start to question the systems that govern society, how will we be safe? Also, Nihilism has been used by groups to justify some bad things throughout history. Wendy Syfret talks about in her book The Sunny Nihilist how actually, Friedrich Nietzsche never thought we should be full-time nihilists, just part-time, that it is a helpful tool to critically look at how we are spending our time and what our time is worth.

The Sunny Nihilist is about how we are consumed with meaning, and so much meaning can make us miserable. Taking a step back, and understanding that all this pressure is self-imposed can actually be an enjoyable act. It lets go of expectations that hold us in patterns of unmet expectations.

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

The older I get the more dubious I am of how much control we actually have over our lives. And question if the systems of knowledge familiar to us are actually serving us. This is depressing on some level because feeling a sense of agency and control is somewhat equivocal to having hope. I think the reason I am drawn to behavioral psychology is because it offers some form of science-backed understanding of the ways things are that makes sense to me.

This week, I want to share my interview with Ayelet Fishbach, the Jeffrey Breakenridge Keller Professor of Behavioral Science and Marketing at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business. She is an expert on motivation and decision-making and the author of Get It Done: Surprising Lessons from the Science of Motivation.

From my understanding, people are out there seriously questioning if it is actually possible to change our behavior and patterns without changing our environment. The idea that one day you might just wake up and be able to resist temptation is in serious question.

We talk about how there is actually a lot of data that suggests that to make our goals happen, we need to make changes in our environment. We need to make the things that help us move towards our goals exciting, easy, and fun, and the things that move us away from our goals out of our minds.

I really hope you enjoy the interview. Sending love and appreciation.

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

This week, I am super excited to revisit and share Whitney Goodman’s work with you. As someone who is drawn to the beauty inherent in sadness, I have been on a crusade against silver linings since the pandemic started. It is not that I want to deny that we can and do learn from things, but do they always have to make us stronger/better?

People tend to have strong reactions when I say that I am not sure about silver linings, and if they make you feel better, please keep finding them. But for me, sometimes things just suck. And there is a reality in that that I feel is denied when I have to sometimes force myself to see the “good” in every situation - even the most horrible.

Whitney’s book helps us locate our authentic selves by taking the labels of “good” and “bad” off of emotions. Emotions are not inherently negative and they can be used however we want to. We talk about productive ways to complain and also ways that you can support people without forcing everything to be positive.

Whitney started as a therapist because she loved giving out advice, and she’s learned over the years that what a therapist really does is listen. This book will help you listen - to yourself and others - in a more genuine, reality-based way.

Thank you for reading BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS. This post is public so feel free to share it.

So, you came here for help. I am guessing. You want to know if you should leave your partner, quit your job, unfriend someone, leave the city you grew up in, etc. This feels like a transitional moment for everyone right now. I feel it. This week, I am revisiting a very exciting conversation I had with Annie Duke last year on quitting.

I was so excited when I heard about Annie Duke’s new book, Quit. I have been a fan of her for years - I love hearing her talk about how she was able to use biases against her as a woman to win 4 million dollars in poker. (Side note: I ask everyone before I interview them what they don’t want me to ask them about - Annie said poker. This is funny because we end up talking about poker for a good 15 min. BUT THE POKER bit is sooo good. You don’t have to like poker, I promise.)

Thank you for reading BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS. This post is public so feel free to share it.

“Everything that needs to be said has already been said. But since no one was listening, everything must be said again.”

―André Gide

I’ve been spending time thinking about originality lately. Is anything that we create really original? Or maybe as Austin Kleon writes in Steal Like An Artist, a good artist understands that nothing just comes from nowhere. All art is a remix. Even we are a remix, a perfect fruit salad of our parents’ and ancestors’ genetics. Do you believe in originality?

This week’s episode is a juicy one. I am talking with Austin Kleon – New York Times bestselling author-artist. We talk about Steal Like An Artist, if geniuses exist, marrying the right person, and Austin shares a fascinating secret.

Instead of finding the idea that nothing is original to be depressing, Austin finds hope. When we free ourselves from the burden of needing to be completely original, we can finally give space to embracing influence. So does Austin believe in the concept of genius? Did he marry the right person? And what is his secret? (Hint: it’s about an emotional state.) Give this post a listen to find out!

Thank you for reading BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS. This post is public so feel free to share it.

p.s. If you like these conversations, and I hope you do, please considering supporting this endeavor by upgrading your subscription. It means the world to me and quite literally helps me keep the lights on. Thanks so much for being here today, and everyday.

A few months ago, I wrote about resources for people who were on the fence about if they wanted to have kids or not. Perhaps it is something that you are ruminating on? In this weird age of perceived expansion of choice, the question itself seems daunting. We are told that we can do everything, and have it all, but can we?

I reached out to Sheila Heti a while back with zero expectations on if she would write back to me. When I read her work, it feels like she is speaking about my personal life experience. About me, about her life, and about humanity all in the same moment. You could say that I am a fan. Or just her work makes me feel uniquely understood.

It’s perhaps disrespectful to start a review of sorts with the headline that Heti says she doesn’t like her work being reduced to - the question, “Should I have a baby?” Because it is so much more than that. And I agree - but I also want to take a moment to sit with the idea that this question is inherently reductive. I am not sure I know why. And it is too late to ask. I assume it is because the themes in the book can be translated and applied far beyond the concept of “motherhood.” Maybe there is an opposition to the perceived limitations of the term. I feel it, but I don’t know if I have the words for it. Heti’s opposition is important.

I choose to start with it because it is currently a topic that I am sorting through. And because you might be too.

Thank you for reading BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS. This post is public so feel free to share it.

We talk about several of her projects - for she seems like a scientist trying to get to the core truth of existence. Heti enjoys fiction because there are fewer rules, and one can be free to explore topics that go beyond reality. There is a different sense of accountability. She says she has a bad memory. I try to argue that the weight of her memory might be located in an alternative form of reality. But yes, I concede they are different forms of reality and in this moment, we do need a distinction between them.

Pure Colour is a book that circles ideas of grief, loss, and comfort. It directly confronts choice and expectations. This book is for you if you have experienced unrequited love. Parental love. Loss of a loved one. This book longs to reclaim the narrative of life and death as beautiful. As one in the same. It does so naturally, and the narrator, Mira, makes a choice to move away from despair and towards a different spectrum of colour.

After the interview, I wrote to her because there were lots of questions I “forgot” while I fumbled nervously through my brief time with her. One was, is there a good reason to have a child?

I don't know if there are good reasons to have a child, or good reasons not to. It's not very helpful to say but a person should just do what they want to do. I'm teaching a course called Fate and Chance now and so all these things are in my mind, but essentially I think whatever life we choose for ourselves winds up being the right one. Unless it's a total disaster. But it's usually okay even if it is.

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Where do we draw the line between inspiration and copying someone else’s original idea? Do any of us ever have original ideas? I had the chance to speak with Danielle Krysa (aka The Jealous Curator) about all of the grey area in the concept of the “original idea.”

About 11 or so years ago, someone accused me of copying them. It was a performance artwork where I stood in front of San Francisco City Hall in a wedding dress with a candle, small alter, and asked to marry strangers.

See the below image:

A few days after I posted some project images online, I got a random email from someone telling me that I had ripped off this other woman’s art. That I had stolen her idea, and that people would find out that I was a fraud. That this other artist was in the MOMA collection and was a promising artist who was collected around the globe. This person was writing on the artist’s behalf.

I obsessed over this email.

I read it over and over. I looked for every meaning that could be behind so few sets of words. At first, I was convinced that I did copy her. She was right. I was wrong. I had taken something from her that was worse than money—credit. I had seen her work before and really enjoyed it. She had work where she got married in Central Park. I think she did it with strangers or friends, I cannot remember and I can not find a record of the work online (I also am trying not to mention her name, I want to respect her privacy). If you can trust my memory, she wore a white dress and took portraits with people in different places holding hands in the park.

The entire topic is a mess of a grey area that Danielle and I only scratched the surface of, but a couple things I’ve been thinking about: in a world where we are exposed to so many of the same things, do any of us really have any original ideas? And isn’t it also possible that two people can come up with the same idea from things they have seen and experiences they have both had. They’re both just making things they are inspired by. There is no wrongdoing in that, I think.

I guess, what I’m trying to ask is, what would it feel like if we were just inherently worthy? That we could all be valued and taken care of? I am in a position of extreme privilege as I write this. But I am no more creative, no more talented, and no more worthy to live than you.

Thank you for reading BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS. This post is public so feel free to share it.

Sara Manning Peskin takes on the idea of "madness" in her book A Molecule Away From Madness: Tales of the Hijacked Brain. It reads like a detective novel and is basically impossible to put down.

On the one hand, the mind is shockingly vulnerable. When you think about the smallness of molecules and then think about how they may be holding together our sanity (!)—it’s harrowing. On the other hand, as Sarah puts it, it’s amazing that most of us are actually doing okay. The mind is fragile. Genetic mutations and inherited illness can put it at risk. But Sarah takes us through it with a kindness and straightforwardness that put me at ease. And she gives us some tips for preventing Alzheimer’s, which I found comforting. Thanks for seeing the hope and joy in at all, Sara. Can’t wait to read your next book.

Sara Manning Peskin, MD, MS, is an assistant professor of clinical neurology at the University of Pennsylvania. She received her undergraduate degree in biochemistry from Harvard University, where she graduated magna cum laude prior to moving to Philadelphia. She attended medical school and received a master’s degree in cellular and molecular biology at the University of Pennsylvania, where she also completed her neurology residency and a fellowship in cognitive and behavioral neurology. Her writing has appeared in the New York Times, the Washington Post, and Boston Globe Magazine, among other publications.

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

What would it mean to think outside of your brain? I am fascinated by the idea that we can think with our bodies, our surroundings, and our relationships—and that thought is so much more interconnected than we might think. It defies an individualism that we often rely on, and recalls the intelligence of the body and how our thought processes vibrate against one another, shaping new thought.

Today, I’m sharing my conversation with Annie Murphy Paul, who is the author of the brilliant work The Extended Mind, a book that challenges our understanding of where thinking occurs and how it happens. In this interview, she also tells us a secret that has to do with imposter syndrome. So, if you have ever thought to yourself “I am a fraud!”, you should give it a watch. Thank you so much, Annie!

Thank you for reading BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS. This post is public so feel free to share it.

Annie Murphy Paul is an acclaimed science writer whose work has appeared in the New York Times, the Boston Globe, Scientific American, Slate, Time magazine, and The Best American Science Writing, among many other publications. She is the author of Origins, reviewed on the cover of The New York Times Book Review and selected by that publication as a "Notable Book," and The Cult of Personality, hailed by Malcolm Gladwell in the New Yorker as a “fascinating new book.” Paul has spoken to audiences around the world about learning and cognition; her TED Talk has been viewed by more than 2.6 million people. A graduate of Yale University and the Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism, she has served as a lecturer at Yale University and as a senior advisor at the Yale University Poorvu Center for Teaching and Learning.

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

This week I am talking to Aamina Ahmad, author of The Return of Faraz Ali. Her book is about a murder, but it is like no other “murder mystery” I have ever read. It is quietly human, compassionate, deeply observed. Under the layers of the crime are layers of generational trauma, power, and psychological distress.

Pain and love are riddled with grief for the characters in Aamina’s book, a brilliant work of noir fiction. Their grief is ordinary, and yet, all grief is extraordinary to some degree, isn’t it?

Aamina holds her characters’ psyches in her two hands with such care—they are vivid, feeling, and complex. As we all are. Above all, this book made me rethink what love is, at its core. Is the freedom to love a performance of privilege, or is it an essential part of being human? I was staying up late to read this book. I hope you will run and grab a copy at your local bookstore. Thank you for the wonderful chat, Aamina!

Thank you for reading BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS. This post is public so feel free to share it.

Take good care, Carissa

Hi friends, hi,

I hope this week treated you gently and with care. And if it didn’t, well, then I am extra glad for us that it is the weekend.

I have SUCH A TREAT for us today. I got to chat with Julie Menanno of The Secure Relationship and it was exactly what I needed. Maybe you will too. I just think it’s such a hard time to be a human in relationships. Romantic or otherwise. Everyone is feeling a little extra something—hurt, wounded, tired, daunted—in their relationships right now because of the pandemic. It is just a hard time.

Julie helps us make sense of what a “secure” relationship even means, how to turn on our inner felt experience, and why secure attachment is so foundational. If you’re not familiar with her work, go check it out here. She has a book out now!!

Now, I hope you enjoy this juicy secret that somehow manages to include Las Vegas, Sir Mix-A-Lot, her mentor, and the joy of kids laughing. At the end, we attempt to rap together. You will love it. Or hate it. In any case, I hope you laugh at us.

Sending you lots of love,

Carissa

I spend a lot of time thinking about how to make sense of this world that we live in - holding multiple truths, reconciling feeling like we know nothing and everything all at the same time. So does my guest this week, Simran Jeet Singh, the Executive Director of the Aspen Institute’s Religion & Society Program.

We are talking about his book The Light We Give - How Sikh Wisdom Can Transform Your Life. The Light We Give is a memoir of lived experience with the connective thread of Sikh teaching.

The Light We Give is a story of the evolution of faith and of using love as a guiding principle. It is often hard to ignore the disconnect between what we believe and what we do, and through the teaching of Sikh gurus, Simran looks at his life and how he wants to be in the world. And using the wisdom to help bridge the gap between the two.

He describes his memoir as a time to “reflect on all of the mistakes I made.” Super relatable. Anyone who has made no mistakes in life has a certain delusion that I am not sure is healthy. Or at least not for me. Laughing at himself is not a weakness, but a tool for being self-aware and becoming a better human. As well as to connect and empathize with other people.

This is a beautiful, generous read for anyone who has experienced otherness before. It is also a guide of sorts for breaking cycles of anger and injustice. The Light We Give recognizes the humanity in all of us, reminding us that we are all worthy of love. I very much enjoyed this read. I don’t always get through the books, but this one made me want to be a better person, and also made me believe it was possible.

As always, thanks for being curious about stuff with me. I am so lucky to do this with you.

Sending love and care, Carissa

Thank you for reading BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS. This post is public so feel free to share it.

Emma Straub’s paperback release of her NY Times Bestseller This Time Tomorrow is coming to us soon on May 16! She kicks off her book tour very soon too, and today I want to celebrate by revisiting my conversation with Emma from last year.

I wore red lipstick the entire week leading up to talking to Emma Straub about the full mess of life. The interview is long and fragmented and also the audio cuts in and out. But I have to share it anyway because, and I am completely embarrassed to say, I am in love with Emma.

Emma Straub is an American author and bookstore owner. She and her husband run the store Books Are Magic (an amazing name for a store and totally true statement). Her fourth bestselling novel, This Time Tomorrow is a semi-autobiographical novel involving time travel. For Emma, she doesn’t choose to do anything differently in the past or visit the big sort of moments we all imagine shaped us. This Time Tomorrow revisits the small moments, that often go underrepresented that also make up a big part of who we are as people. It is also a tale of longing for normalcy and comfort.

My favorite parts of the interview are talking about perfectionism. I don’t know if I meet as many people like her who are as ok with openly talking about how perfectionism is not their thing. As you might have guessed, I totally relate to this. “I have never edited anything before I sent it.” She talks about running forward without fear (I am sure she has fear, it just seems to be tempered by the foundation of her friends and family). It is so interesting how all of my life, I have been told that the real creative process is in the editing and refining. And for my friend Nina LaCour, that is where the magic happens. It is nice to know that whatever works for you, go with that.

Thank you for reading BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS. This post is public so feel free to share it.

Perfection is the death of all good things, perfection is the death of pleasure, it’s the death of productivity, it’s the death of efficiency, it’s the death of joy.

-Elizabeth Gilbert

We also explore the topic of having kids, and Emma talks about having kids as being an enriching experience for her. By having access to diverse relationships her understanding of everything expands. Although, she does have time envy, she admits, about her friends without kids. There is really no clear answer on the topic, but for me, having kids is an experience, even when it is hard (and oh it is SOOOOO hard) that I am glad I did. I crave intense feelings and meaning, and having a child for me highlights the fragile, precious nature of being alive. Not to mention the lack of control and uncertainty. If you want to have control and be certain about things, I would not recommend it.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy this interview as much as I do. I have never interviewed someone who I felt like my life had paralleled, whose outlook could have been my own, who I couldn’t find a single thing to contradict. I know I know, I only talked to her for an hour, and I know that I am a fan. But you will see there is something about the way she talks in circles and how she is open and honest and present but also somewhere else.

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Regrets… I have some experience in this area because: a) I am a highly sensitive person, and b) I am always looking backwards. Always. I am a person who lives in the past tense. It is not something I am proud of. I have this annoying habit of ending the day by lying in bed thinking about all of the things that I said to people that day and wondering what the heck I was thinking.

But I also look back farther. I wonder about people I used to love and the choices I made, and I more or less languish in the past. Some people call this melancholic. Or nostalgic. Most of the terms associated with this kind of regret-filled thinking are negative. But then there’s Daniel Pink. He gives us a new way to think about “regret” that reframes our regrets as information that can actually help us…

If I regret something, what can that help me know about myself? Or what I value? Or what will constitute a good life?

I am fascinated by this, because I agree with him that feelings are information. Sometimes we feel things before we “know” them with any conscious certainty. Humans are so complicated. Dan Pink talked to 21,000 people around the world and found that there are basically four different kinds of regrets, which is helpful to me in making sense of what I’ve felt when I say “I regret” something. Plus, he has some notes for us about kindness (the type that we can send inward, to ourselves).

What an honor to talk to one of the authors I most admire writing today. Thank you, Dan!

Share this post with someone you know who may be navigating feelings of regret.

Have you ever considered yourself a lazy person? I would say I do, when I walk past the sink of dirty dishes, telling myself I will do it later when it’s already been a bunch of laters already. Or when I jump into bed with a to-do list still left unfinished, wracked with the guilt that I could have done more if I just tried harder. But according to Dr. Devon Price maybe that’s not the case. Maybe I’m not actually lazy?

Last year, I had the chance to chat with Devon on his book Laziness Does Not Exist, where he explains how we may be victims of “the Laziness Lie,” something that teaches us from a young age to associate hard work with moral goodness. Devon breaks down what he’s coined as the “laziness lie” and the three main tenets that put us in this perpetual trap of feeling like we’re not doing enough.

It was truly illuminating for me, and I’m just in awe of his research. And holy smokes, Devon also shared SUCH a juicy story with us for this secret conversation, that basically left me feeling like they are a total badass.

Today’s episode is a shorter one, and the audio is a little funky, but it’s a really good one. I promise.

Thank you for reading BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS. This post is public so feel free to share it.

Have you ever felt unconditionally loved? I guess I should start by defining what I mean when I say, Unconditional Love.

I grew up with the understanding that this term meant that no matter what I did, or who I was, I was loved by my parents. Both of them made my sister and me aware of this fact by telling us and by showing up for us. Of course, they still got mad at our actions and praised us when we met their expectations, however, the underlying understanding was that we were loved for who we were and not what we did. This form of love, parental, I feel like is the best illustration of the type of love I am talking about.

Today, I am revisiting my conversation with Alfie Kohn on intrinsic motivation. Alfie is an author and lecturer, and he writes and speaks widely on human behavior, education, and parenting. He has been described in Time magazine as “perhaps the country’s most outspoken critic of education’s fixation on grades [and] test scores.”

I don’t know about you, but I was raised on positive feedback. And I feel really grateful for it. I do things so that I will get praise. I have no way to evaluate if something is good or bad beyond what other people tell me it is. This was the trend when I was young - we got gold stars for sharing, we got graded on a curve for us to evaluate ourselves within our peers, and prizes were held in condition for good behavior.

Alfie Kohn argues that these things are not good for fostering intrinsic motivation. They only offer temporary compliance and overtime doesn’t create the things we really value - like care, compassion, and genuine interest.

Thank you for reading BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS. This post is public so feel free to share it.

If you are interested in why you feel that feeling of meaninglessness when you don’t have external benchmarks to compare yourself to, Mr. Kohn’s research will break down why that might be. In addition, he offers suggestions on how to create your own path - in your workplace, with your children, and with yourself.

If you want to find out more, he has dozens of free articles on his website. A personal favorite of mine is Can Everyone Be Excellent?

I am personally super fascinated by how our relationships with tech have changed the course of human friendships, romance, and family. How the community is evolving with and around our phones and the internet and everything else.

In the zeitgeist of this moment, I feel like we are often using the term “alignment” to describe when situations, and interests are fueled by the same motivation. When I was complaining about not having enough sex, my therapist told me that she sees that sex rates all around are going down, we are just not talking about it. I asked her why she thought that was, she replied, “phones.” The following day I picked up, Out of Touch by Michelle Drouin and was met by an in-depth exploration echoing the exact words said to me the previous day.

Dr. Michelle Drouin is a psychology professor, forensic consultant, expert witness, and internationally-recognized researcher and speaker on issues related to technology, relationships, couples, and sexuality, and the author of Out of Touch: How to Survive an Intimacy Famine - a detailed account of the state of human loneliness. How can we cultivate meaningful connections and intimacy in a world where technology lets us have physical distance? Michelle fearlessly takes the complexities of this question on.

BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

It was an honor to get to interview her for this book, which is totally reflective of my lived experience with technology and human relationships. She talks about how having more choices doesn’t always make us happy, the chemicals that make us feel close to each other in our brains, and how texting has changed the depth of our close relationships (making relationships disposable in some instances). She also will make a SUPER compelling argument for 20-second hugs with other mammals (there is research on how this helps us even have stronger immune systems). Does she see a future where AI can serve as a proxy for human-to-human/animal connections? Yes. It is not here yet, but maybe soon… I hope you enjoy this conversation as much as I did.

Thank you for being here. This post is public so feel free to share it with someone you feel would resonate with it.

Can you accept yourself as you are? Do you ever feeling like shame is running the show?

Today, we revisit my conversation with Lisa Olivera, a writer and therapist who shares work centered around radical acceptance, cultivating compassion, and integrating our stories and full humanity.

“…Listening to ourselves and noticing some of those fears that come up, and asking if the fears that we have are worth holding for the outcome we’ll receive by moving through it.”

In her book, Already Enough, Lisa writes about how to identify the stories we’ve been telling ourselves—so often based on shame or fear and so often necessary to our survival—and to maybe start telling ourselves some new ones. From her own experience being adopted (and learning later in life that she was abandoned at birth), Lisa’s book helps us unravel the unhelpful narratives that we build, and gives us the courage to practice constructing new ones. Already Enough is the kind of book that you clutch tight to your chest. If you’ve ever questioned your own worth or struggled to believe in yourself (and I think most humans have at one point or another), this book will give you some strength and guidance to rewrite the story.

Lisa also shares a secret! And inside it is buried a question: How do you let go of a part of yourself that has mattered to you? Thank you, Lisa. xo

Thank you for reading BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS. This post is public so feel free to share it.

“Longing itself is a creative and spiritual state.” —Susan Cain

Recently, I have been spending a lot of time trying to define (and find meaning in) this moment, with my current understanding of reality. Why is life so hard? If hard things don’t always make us better/stronger, what is the point?

There are so many ways to reframe pain in the positive. But I keep finding holes. Ways in which the theories don’t add up. Perhaps it is my depression or upbringing. Perhaps it is years of critical studies. Who knows. I was reading an interview with Fr. Mike Schmitz from the podcast, The Bible in a Year. He said he confidently teaches the Bible because it makes sense to him and he believes it is the truth. He hopes the truth will help other people understand and make meaning in life. I long for his certainty. I am still looking, desperately for what feels true. And just when I think I have found the answer, something seismic shifts, and I change my mind. The competing truths wrestle on.

If pain and suffering don’t always make us stronger, how can we reframe the hard stuff in life to keep going? To heal? Or move through?

The heart of Susan Cain’s new book Bittersweet is “transforming pain into creativity, transcendence, and love.” This makes sense to me. It is the silver lining that I have been looking for. Pain and longing help us empathize with others, know what we want, and make peace with our brokenness.

Thank you for reading BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS. This post is public so feel free to share it.

We talk about letting go of the concept of flawless love and Alan de Botton’s article, Why You Will Marry The Wrong Person. I reference this a million times. But if you have not read it yet, go for it. Susan David comes up a lot. I talked about her before on the importance of emotional granularity. Cain references David’s work several times in Bittersweet. From a quote from Susan David’s TedTalk—“research on emotional suppression shows that when emotions are pushed aside or ignored, they get stronger”—to the idea of accepting sadness and sorrow as a part of life, without judgment.

We also talk about “emotional labor”—how putting on a happy face for others is a whole heck of a ton of mental energy. This expanded the way I view emotional labor. I am constantly torn between states of being—true to myself or true to my perception of what other people need. Plagued by the question: Is it bad to share my pain in a world that is already so full of suffering? The answer, I think, is sometimes it is ok to share your pain. I am not going to say all the time because I don’t know if that is true.

But sharing might sometimes be ok. It is connective. Listening to someone I love’s story, bad and ugly, can be frustrating when I can’t solve all their problems, but at the same time, the act of listening makes me feel closer to them. I am sad that they are going through hard times, I wish they were not, but something inside of me feels less alone in my sorrow. The act of sharing that we are having a hard time is somehow transformed into part of the process of healing, for both people. A repair that in the end, could actually make us stronger, because we are in this together.

Wishing you light and love on this first day of daylight savings, xo Carissa.